Ah, Boston at night. It's peaceful, relatively quiet, and yet the monotonous "we're in big trouble, Charlie Brown" music indicates that all is perhaps not well. Flying quietly over to Senator Ellison's manor -- the house has an ominous Teaching Mrs. Tingle feeling. As the camera pans inside, the Senator himself is sitting on his couch in his silk shorts, panting and sort of staring off into space. He's all sweaty, which is kind of gross. Dylan Baker gets major kudos for baring it all -- paunch and everything -- on national television. ["Compared to the role he had to play in Happiness, I'm sure this was a walk in the park for Baker." -- Sars] We pan over to a downstairs bathroom, where a young girl is throwing up into the sink. The wallpaper in the bathroom is quite nice. Pan up the stairs and fade into the bathroom shower, where the water is running over a very sedate Virginia Madsen kneeling and clutching her chest. Finally, we pan into the bedroom, over some oak furniture, along a beige carpet and thankfully to the conclusion, a very gruesome corpse, who has obviously been shot and is still bleeding all over the four-post bed.
A doorbell rings. Dylan Baker is still staring at the wall; the doorbell rings again. This time he gets up to answer it, still in his boxers. Ellenor is at the door. She's thinking, "Not a-freaking-gain." Because all of her friends seem to get in these "oh, by the way, I murdered someone" jams. "Keith?" Ellenor asks. Dylan Baker stumbles around. Ellenor asks where Marsha is, and he explains she's in the shower. "Why aren't you dressed?" He stares at her and responds, "My clothes are in the washer." Marsha "Sister of Michael Madsen, God on Earth" Ellison comes down the stairs in her dressing gown and hands her husband some clothes. They stand together. Marsha greets Ellenor, who replies with a guarded, "Hello." Then Marsha says, "The master bedroom. Just go look." And if this were a horror film, they'd all already be dead, and there's no way Ellenor would be looking in any master bedroom, especially by herself. But, because this isn't a horror film, just a horrible DEK production, Ellenor makes her way up the stairs while being serenaded by the Symphony of Sticky Situations. Oh, and Keith's still holding his clothes in his hands.
Cut to Ellenor, who places her hand on the knob of the bedroom door and gasps at the ghastly and horrific site of the Dead Man. As Ellenor comes back down the stairs, Keith and Marsha are arguing. He wants to do all the talking. She thinks he's done enough for now. He whisper-barks something about her wanting to lay "all this" at his door. The shot opens up and Ellenor asks, "Have you called an ambulance?" Marsha quips, "He seems a little dead for that." What about the police? Well, Keith was worried about becoming a suspect, so he called his attorney first. Because you know, having a Dead Man in your bed doesn't make you enough of a suspect? Ellenor: "So, the police haven't been called at all?" No. The lawyer asks if they know who the victim is, and yes, they do -- his name is James McNown and he was a business associate of Marsha's. Ellenor is flabbergasted. She asks what happened. Blah knowing the truth would prevent you from protecting me blah. Dance to the left, dance to the right, deny, deny, and deny some more. Let's draw this out As Long As Humanly Possible. Allison Ellison, Barfing Daughter, joins her parents. They have to call the police. Keith wants to say that no one saw what happened, that none of them had anything to do with the crime. Ellenor: "He just showed up in your bed dead?" Yes. Ellenor doesn't think that sounds very convincing. Neither do I. He steps forward and says, "Ellen-ner, I'm placing myself in your hands now. I'll tell you as much or as little as you want to know. It's up to you." He pauses for dramatic effect: "But I don't want to say anything that will keep you from representing me." Wow, I am always amazed at how calmly these people call their lawyers before they do anything else when faced with an unimaginable tragedy. He asks Ellenor to tell him what she thinks he should do. She pauses. Lets the music wash over her until she's down with the sound. Everyone makes big tragedy eyes. She tells Keith he has blood splattered all over him; he should take a shower. She's going to call the police in ten minutes.
Credits. Wow, after a glorious summer vacation, these credits are three times as crappy as they were last season. And the season before that, oh, and the season before that, and the one before that too. You know why? Because the damn thing never changes. I would rather be fed to a boa constrictor whole then have to listen to this theme song again this season. Sigh -- thank goodness for fast-forward. Oh, and welcome, dear, sweet Ron Livingston, Hunky DA, to the show.
Ten Minutes Later in the Senator's Pit of Personal Hell. Cop cars with their lights flashing fill up the driveway. All of the outside lights are on. There are massive numbers of uniform cops bagging and tagging evidence. Detective Mike has broken out a new grey suit for this season. The Emperor Rod makes his first appearance. And, glory to the heavens on high, he's not screaming -- he's whispering, "What happened?" Ellenor doesn't exactly know. Rod squares his shoulders and wonders if Keith told her anything. She responds, "Only that I don't want to know." Her educated guess is that the Senator shot Dead Man. Bam. The family, all dressed now, is seated on a lovely couch and looking very upset. Helen "The Bile Also Rises" Gamble approaches the defense attorney and asks if they can take a walk. Blah walking dee talking blah. Helen: They are refusing to give statements. Ellenor: They are choosing not to give statements. Helen: Kind of makes them look suspicious. Blah constitutional dee rights blah. Helen interrupts because she can. "Ellenor. I can't accept anyone's version of the events if no one gives me one." Her bony arms are crossed over her bony boobs. Where her bony elbows stick out like right-angle rulers. Ping: Ellenor says the burden is on the state to figure out what happened this fateful night. Pong: Helen thinks that because Keith is the Senator, he might want to help them along. Ping: Ellenor thinks she's wrong. Pong: Helen tries to make Ellenor think she's got a conflict of interest. Ping: The defense attorney doesn't fall for that one. Ellenor is Venus and Helen is Serena. It's a bloody battle to the end. Helen: "You're not going to let any of them talk to us?" Correct. Detective Mike wanders up and asks how everyone is "doin.'" Because he thinks he wandered back into his regular paying gig off the set of The Sopranos. Helen sighs. Then she tells him to arrest the Senator and take his wife into custody. Ellenor wants to know why they're taking both husband and wife if they're only arresting Ellison.
Judge Finkle's Chambers. The judge looks like Sydney Pollack. "As a material witness?" He sits down in his chair. It creaks under his weight. Apparently, under "extraordinary" circumstances, the state can take a witness into custody. Helen postulates that the Senator caught Dead Man in bed with Marsha and blew his head off. The judge snaps, "What are your circumstances for taking Mrs. Ellison into custody?" Helen thinks Marsha's concealing evidence that she's going to destroy the minute she gets out of custody. Both Ellenor and the judge want to know what the hell Helen "Sleepless In Seriousness" Gamble is thinking. Okay, she's after the semen that would be in Marsha, because it's necessary for the state to establish that they were actually in bed together. Ellenor gets snippy: "What exactly are you asking for?" Well, the state wants to do a rape kit. Ellenor snaps, "A vaginal search?" Helen counter-snaps, "A full-body search for hairs and fibers." Huh, that's pretty horrible. Ellenor thinks Helen's being way too sneaky; she's trying to force Marsha to testify against her husband, or else be violated by a medical technician. They bicker over immunity for Marsha. Ellenor slits her eyes at Helen and barks about how she's not making any deals until she's no longer under the threat of coercion by the district attorney. Yeah, and the state has no right to do an invasive search when she's the suspect's wife, who, by all rights, should have spousal privilege. Hum, Helen objects -- apparently, bodily fluids do not count as testimony. Gamble has really sunk to new lows here. This is as pathetic as it is disgusting. The two women start screaming. Blah privacy issues alone are outweighed by the state's need to solve a homicide; blah the evidence expires after tonight; blah. I can't believe that after all my complaining last season, they still haven't fixed Helen's smudgy eyeliner. She looks like a hung-over Bebe Buell on her way to a fashion shoot after partying all night long with Mick Jagger. The judge argues something about Marsha suing Helen for misconduct. Yawn. Helen's a piranha. She wants the fluids. Maybe she'll put them in jars and keep them for posterity. Maybe she'll open a museum dedicated to pathetic ploys of pseudo-justice. The judge caves. Helen gets her search, and even though Ellenor appeals, he won't interfere with the proceedings.
The Hospital of Marsha's Intrusive Pain. Mrs. Ellison is lying in a hospital gown on an operating-like table. A doctor-cum-medical technician is asking her to hold still. The hair on my arms is standing up. I can't imagine going through the whole someone-got-shot-in-my-bed ordeal and then being subjected to a cavity search. The only thing that might make it worse is having Tom Green film it all for comedy's sake. Marsha says, "And people wonder if we're becoming a police state." Ellenor toughens up; she's going to be all over them on this, she promises Marsha. I half-expect Jan to come tumbling out and have them start to sing a duet called "Oh Happy Day!" or something. Marsha jiggles. The Young But Ever So Irritating Doctor Technician asks her to hold still and tells her "it shouldn't hurt." Yeah, that's because a) he's a MAN and b) he's the one doing the speculum shoving and not the speculum receiving. Marsha sits up and freaks out on the doctor, and then she calls him Dr. Fingers. Heh. Certainly not a painless experience. We're with you on that one, Mrs. Ellison. Maybe you could have your brother cut off his ear.
Helen's Office Where She Deals in Pain. She's on the phone. Then she turns on the 24-hour Boston news station breaking the story. Because all kinds of news breaks in Boston after midnight that just has to be broadcast. Because no television station in Boston is showing David Letterman or Jay freaking Leno at this time -- right. Any. Way. Annoying News Anchor One confirms that there was a shooting at the Senator's house. Unconfirmed reports state that the Senator was, in fact, home at the time. A Bigwig of a District Attorney busts into Helen's news reverie. With him comes Hunky DA. Ah. Welcome, Hunky DA, welcome -- just be sure to show up for all of your scheduled appointments and please, please don't let your cubicle come crashing to the ground. The Fancy Pants DA asks the obvious "I'm the boss around here" question: Where are we? Helen stands up, looks a little suspiciously over at Hunky DA, and tells him that the Senator is in custody, they have the gun, and they're getting the warrants issues to search the house tonight. Ellison is not talking, and that's not likely to change. Then, Boss Man introduces Alan Lowe, and states that he's just come over from Middlesex. Livingston looks kind of like he was in basic training for a couple of months, fell out of an airplane into France somewhere, shot some Germans, cleaned himself up, splashed on some Old Spice, and wandered over to the set of The Practice, and you've got to love him for it. Helen says, "Hello," and "Why does he care?" Well, because he's going to be her Number Two. Blah Mr. Lowe's reputation is that he hates being a Number Two, dee she doesn't need any back-up, dum he gets that Helen is first chair, blah. Then, Boss Man tells him to, um, "use him." Hey, Helen, you could pass him over here; I'm sure we could find a good use for him. Helen sits back down on her chair. She barks, "Don't second-guess. Don't even talk. We'll get along just fine." He leans over her desk. "You can start by overseeing the warrants." Alan: "Can I ask why you made an arrest so quickly?" Helen: "See. You're talking." Heh. Helen does make a very good bitch. He's not second-guessing; he's just asking. The only way Helen could search Mrs. Ellison was to make a showing she's not a suspect. The only way of doing that was to arrest the Senator. "Anything else?" Hunky DA says no. Good. Off he trots to work on the warrants, but not before he does this cute little half-smiling thing in Helen's general direction. Yummy!
The Fake Cameras of Pain. A nameless, unspectacular non-reporter is speaking to another fake non-anchorwoman named Jenny. She says that "warrants were issued last night" and that "Senator Ellison's office is also being searched." Fake reporters line the hallway of the fake courtroom. The elevator door opens, lights flash, and the media hounds The Emperor as he steps from the elevator. He pushes his way through the particularly rough crowd, screaming, "No comment! No comment!" The door to the courtroom opens and admits Senator Ellison from the non-media door where they keep all the bad guys waiting to be arraigned. Ellenor and Helen announce themselves and their respective sides. The prosecution asks that Senator Ellison be held without bail. The defense states that he has strong and substantial roots in the community. Helen throws the whole "brutal homicide" argument into the mix; then she whines for a bit about how the fact that he is a senator should have nothing to do with inflicting her own particular brand of justice. Ellenor takes offence, obviously. Judge Finkle slams the gavel and rules that Ellison can have some bail, and maybe a little bond. Blah. The defense moves for an immediate trial. The prosecution whines about that for a minute or two. Yawn. Ellenor and Helen start bickering about the beast of burden. Then they bicker about the court date. Then they bicker about each other's intentions. The judge yawns. His jaw cracks, he yawns so wide. The Emperor takes a beauty nap. The Senator grows a beard. Finally, someone with a gavel makes a decision and sets the court date for September 24. Then he tries to adjourn, except of course Helen won't just let it go; of course she has other points to argue; of course her eye make-up still looks like the one-armed man from Twin Peaks applied it while whacked out on Valium.
Helen states she thinks that Ellenor is guilty of witness tampering, or worse, "obstruction of justice." Ellenor's witty response: "What?" Well, the prosecution has been unable to interview key witnesses to the crime, people who have been present at the scene and instructed, by Ellenor, not to talk to police or the district attorney's office. Sounds to me like Ellenor's just doing her job, and doing it well. Ellenor blathers on about how Helen is attempting to try her case in the press. Helen objects. Ellenor and Helen keep talking about each other as if they were not standing in the room beside each other. Blah the prosecution this, dee the defense that, blah blob blah they are roommates for heaven's sake. Oh, the judge hails Helen back into the real courtroom. Then he asks which witnesses they are arguing so vehemently about. Helen: "Mrs. Ellison and Allison Ellison." Has DEK been reading too many nursery rhymes? He couldn't think of another name that might perhaps not be a within a vowel's distance of the surname? Mrs. Ellison enjoys spousal privilege. What about the daughter? The judge threatens Ellenor with action if he "gets wind of tampering." She asserts she's "not doing that." Then he asks if Mrs. Ellison and Allison each have separate attorneys, which they don't, which incites the judge to believing that sarcasm is really the way to go here; it's not. He snarks on and on about accessory charges and asks if Ellenor advised Allison and Marsha that it would be in their best interest to cooperate with the police. Ha! The conversations between Ellenor and the Ellison family are privileged. Pause. The Judge instructs each of the Ellison women to get her own lawyer. And just because Ellenor wants to silence them for the sake of the defendant doesn't mean it's what's best for them. Now, Allison must be made available to the prosecution. Helen never stops. Ever. Each time the judge tries to get up off his bench, she starts yammering again. This time, she wants the deputies to escort Allison Ellison to her office immediately, because, you know, Ellenor's going to poison her mind against Helen or something equally terrible. Blah. The judge goes along with Helen's Police State, especially because it has its own theme song, and Allison is carted off to the prosecution's Chamber of Pain. Before following Allison to the DA's office, Ellenor leans over to Keith: "Do you have any idea what she's going to say?" Keith just looks blankly over toward his daughter. The Emperor walks over to Ellenor, who whispers, "Don't let the media get anywhere near him."
The Firm. Eugene is very busy becoming dictator. He's assigning roles to the various members of the team who do not have friends presently on trial for murder. Jimmy is charged with the neighbourhood, to see if anyone saw or heard anything. Eugene will take the employees at Mrs. Ellison's firm. Lucy, whose breasts have quadrupled in the last few months -- thankfully, she's entered puberty -- is charged with staying on top of the incident reports. Lindsay has to schedule jury consultants that she needs to hire today. And Rebecca is told to research insanity defenses, heat-of-passion stuff. Then Rebecca complains about being put on research. She hates being put on research. Why can't she do field work? Eugene: "Because Jimmy and I are better at it. Sorry for that answer." Okay. I guess brutal honesty is Eugene's mandate for this season. Lindsay, from behind her desk, points a pencil down to the paper meticulously placed there by some poor prop person in charge of fake files and whines, "Is everyone assigned to this case?" Yes. Eugene's rationale: Like it or not, The Firm will be defined by this one case. Not the eight hundred other high-profile cases they just can't seem to avoid. Yawn. Blah they want to win blah.
Helen's Office That Reeks of Absolute Pain. Allison spreads her story around along with some complete and utter crap. Blah she and her father had just come home from a movie, blah the movie was sold out; blah they got home early, blah she went to her room. A piano dribbles. She had gone to the bathroom and was getting ready to call a friend. Then she heard screaming and yelling. Helen asks if she recognized the voices. Hunky DA gives her a good, straight, hunky kind of look. Helen repeats her question. No. She didn't recognize the voices. After a few seconds, she heard a pop, then more screaming. She ran down the hall. Cue flashback. A black-and-white mother and father are screaming at each other. Then, Allison saw the Dead Man. He was bleeding, and his eyes were still open. Gross. Allison wipes a carefully placed tear from her cheek. The prosecutor asks if Allison heard what her mother and father were screaming about. She didn't. Helen asks if Allison saw blood on her father's clothes. The girl doesn't remember. Oh, Helen's steely resolve is melting, and she's getting kind of testy as she asks after the gun. Allison didn't see the gun. Hunky DA pipes up and asks Allison what she thought happened. Unfortunately for them, she doesn't know. Hunky DA: "If you had to hazard a guess." Ellenor objects; she doesn't have to make guesses. Hunky DA slaps Ellenor around for a bit with his verbal intimidations, and they get into it, and Bobby waves the white towel: "Why don't you just ask her some questions." Yawn. Helen snarks, "Yes. That would be nice." The Symphony of Suspected Senators bleeps on and on in the background. Helen grabs her pencil. They love pencils on this show. Helen starts badgering the girl. Who is way, way under the age of consent and should probably have a parent or two present alongside her lawyers. Did you ask your parents what happened? No. Did you know what happened? No. You didn't know what had happened and you didn't ask. Correct. Helen sighs. Then the DA tries to blame Ellenor and Bobby for the fact that the interview is essentially going nowhere. Bobby tells Allison not to answer. Helen threatens him with tampering. He dares her to try. Hunky DA jumps on the tampering bandwagon. Again, Bobby tells both of them to get off the "did you have a conversation with your lawyer" line of questioning. Allison insists she's told them everything she knows. The Gods of Redundancy can't save me from this scene. Yawn. I do some yoga. Then I figure I have time for a power nap. Then I decide to go for a jog. Then I design a bunch of flyers. Take my cat for a walk. Make a sandwich. And still. They. Are. Not. Finished. With. This. Useless. Frigging. Scene.
Helen's Office For Motivating Plenty of Pain. Detective Mike stumbles in, bringing "sort of" good news to the troops. They can now prove that the gun was his, but there was a negative amount of trace metal and no powder burns. Is there anything to prove the affair? Hunky DA asks about hair in the bed. Well, there were some, but they could be old. It's not looking good for the prosecution, and they know it. Mike reassures Helen that it's early in the game. She doesn't look convinced.
The Emperor Rod's Office of Pre-Pain Preparation. Marsha insists that the prosecution will never be able to prove the affair. No one ever saw them together. They had a good routine. The Dead Man had his own set of keys to her car. He'd scramble in, duck down, and they'd drive away. Ellenor explains the enormous risk of jury contamination because of the high-profile nature of the case. She asks the Ellisons to tell them what happened. Keith thinks that's dangerous. Ellenor says something about maybe he'll have to get other lawyers. Keith explodes, "No! I want your firm!" The Emperor Rod insists that the prosecution will be able to prove the Senator's wife's affair; couple that with the fact that his gun was used and that he was found at the scene, punctuate it all with a couple of good finger points, and you've got a serious plea from Bobby for them to tell the whole story. It might give them something to go on. Ellenor begs Keith as a friend to trust them, and advises him to tell them what happened. He hangs his head, which cues the music, and the story. He thought that someone was attacking Marsha. He grabbed the gun from his safe. Went upstairs quickly, to the bedroom, saw the stranger on his wife, and squeezed the trigger. It all happened very quickly -- for Ellison that is. For the audience, well, we're subjected to this story over and over and over again. Luckily, we have the black-and-white play-by-play to guide us, in case we couldn't see, hear, or understand the Senator clearly enough. He just didn't realize what had really been going on. Ellenor: "The problem with that -- the gun was wiped clean of prints, your clothes were in the washer. The question will be if you thought you were justified, why did you try to cover your tracks." Marsha pipes up. She was the one cleaning and washing. She was just protecting her husband. Bobby wants to know if Marsha will testify that her husband was acting in defense of her; of course. Bobby says Eureka! They'll argue Mistaken Defense of Others. It's a form of self-defense. Keith insists he'd like to make a statement for himself. Rod shakes his head; it's not a good idea. The Senator insists. He'll keep it short. Bobby repeats, "It's a bad idea."
Just so that Eugene can counter with his own "it's a great idea!" If they tailor what the Senator is going to say, what's the harm? His going before the cameras will influence the same jury the prosecution is trying to get at, and if the Senator talks, even more cameras will be rolling. The Firm argues the merits of going on the elements, changing venues, and some other legal jabberwocky. Self-defense is their best hope, so sayeth Eugene, so sayeth the Lump, so sayeth the rest.
Oh, the Barenaked Ladies. Have I ever been more embarrassed to a) be from Toronto and b) be a supporter of Canadian music?
Ah, Boston. It's morning. Helen is running down their position for the boss. She calls the affair between Mrs. Ellison and the Dead Man "immaculate." Alan Lowe busts into Helen's office, blathering on about "the press conference." He grabs Helen's remote and switches the TV on to a fake news channel.
The Fancy Firm of Press-Conference Pain. The Senator stands awash in flash, looking humble and contrite. He's appearing against the advice of counsel. He tells the whole sordid story because the public has a right to know.
Helen's Office. Alan screams, "Can you believe this?" Helen shushes him. And they all continue to watch the Senator on her television. He relays the same story that he did in Bobby's office. His speech is rehearsed, calm, even confident without being arrogant. He mistook the passion for rage, and shot a man who was committing adultery; he didn't realize this until it was too late. In his mind, he saw a deadly threat of violence against his wife. Crescendo. Cue violins. Keith: "I accept responsibility and I ask for no one's forgiveness." Do you think DEK is jealous of Aaron Sorkin for getting to write about the White House and all kinds of fancy press conferences?
Cue Alan Lowe raging against the press in the other direction. He thinks the Senator is despicable for refusing to talk to the police or the prosecution, choosing instead to win his battles in the press. In fact, he finds it personally disgusting. They expected something desperate: "It's an anemic Hail Mary from a guilty murderer." Hunky DA raises his voice a little too much: "Why was the gun wiped free of fingerprints? Why were his clothes thrown in the washer?" Blah miscarriage of justice, blah what a cover-up, blah Clinton parallels blah. Oh, the DA is honourable. They're going to put the guilty politicians in jail; no favours for "eloquent speakers." If you kill someone, you're going to jail.