There is no "previously on The Practice" this week and the episode jumps right into the story. Oh joy. Oh bliss. This means they aren't continuing any of the other storylines but starting anew.
Sirens are moaning. Lights are flashing. Cars are overturned. Firefighters are busy. One has an industrial flashlight and is looking inside a car sitting on its side. For an instant, I think I've been transported to Monday night and I'm actually watching Third Watch. I half expect Eddie Cibrian to come bouncing out with a power saw and an attitude. A sedan pulls up beside the scene. Then a police officer pulls back a blanket covering the victim of the accident. Detective Mike looks at the body. As he walks away, Helen walks toward him from her car. She's wearing a camel-coloured coat and swinging her arms wide. Her scarf is the same colour as her coat and is tied very fashionably in one of those knots they teach you how to do on Oprah. Mike tells Helen the accident is the result of a car-jack gone horribly wrong. The victim tried to fight off the perpetrator, and then she was dragged alongside her car as it sped away. Then the car hit the pick-up truck. Mike points to an older man and says, "That's the driver of the pick-up." The entire scene is orchestrated. As we wallow in the terrible tragedy of the scene, the wailing violins and annoying oboes do not comfort us. A man who looks surprisingly similar to the pick-up driver jumps the police line and starts shouting, "Honey? Honey? No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! No-o-o-o-o-o-o!" Detective Mike yells at an officer, "Keep that man back." Helen scrunches up her face like she actually cares. She asks Mike where the "jacking" took place. He says the crime took place at a supermarket/convenience store around the corner. There are no suspects and no witnesses. Oh, and what the heck is Helen doing there anyway? Well, she picked the accident up on the police scanner. Because she sits around the damn thing at night for entertainment; she's trolling for cases. Yeah, and all the people milling about came around after the accident. From over where the man burst through the police line, we hear, "Where's Justin? WHERE'S MY S-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-N??" A uniform cop comes running over: "There's a three-year-old boy trapped in the car." About nineteen previously sedate firefighters rush the car like it's a linebacker on the opposite team during state finals. One climbs on top of the vehicle, which is still lying on its side, with a stepladder, while another flashes his light into the car, exclaiming: "There he is! We see him now! There's no movement." Mike says, "Oh my god." Helen, always practical but totally useless, asks, "Do you hear anything?" No one wonders who the hell she is and what the heck she's doing at the scene of the crime, but the firefighter politely answers, "No ma'am." Mike tries to shield her from the horror of the crime; she brushes him off. One firefighter climbs into the car. A second breaks the back window. The father holds his head in fear. The third revs up the power saw. A fourth looks into the car from atop the ladder. Sparks fly. The DA looks concerned. Detective Mike looks on with the steadfast demeanour needed in situations such as these. The Piano Of Probable Yet Awful Tragedy plunks away to keep everyone comfortable. A fifth firefighter pulls off the roof of the car with the third man who has sawed it off in the first place, and a sixth firefighter takes the young boy from the third and asks, "Are you okay, son?" The boy, not knowing he's a victim of David E. Kelley's terribly contrived little mind, inquires in his sweet innocent's voice: "Where's Mommy?" The boy is handed over to his Grieving Father while still mumbling, "Where's Mommy? Where's Mommy? Where's Mommy?" Well, kid, your mom's been dragged by a car and is lying dead under a tarp. And I'm sure you're going to be damaged for life. Helen's glossy lips part as she stares at the scene. As the child mumbles for the hundredth time, "Where's Mommy?" Helen turns and looks poignantly at the motionless body under the white sheet on a wet Boston street.
If someone were to pull out all the hair on my head one by one, it would be less painful then watching and/or listening to these credits.
The Accident Scene Of Immeasurable Pain. The doors on the ambulance close as we see Grieving Father and Where's Mommy tucked nicely into place. They are presumably being rushed to the hospital. Helen and Mike are interviewing the pick-up driver. He saw someone run away from the car after they collided. The driver couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman. Mike wants to know how far away "he" was running. The driver doesn't know. And he also didn't know seconds ago if it was a man or a woman. Why do they assume that it's a man? Anyhow, Helen wants to know if he saw his face. And now, he's a believer; he couldn't leave her if he tried. Oh, sorry -- for an instant there, I hoped we flashed back and were actually watching The Monkees. No, the driver didn't see his face. A uniform calls Detective Mike over from his patrol car. The officer explains, "We picked him up about a half mile south. Out of breath, bruises, he tried to run as soon as he saw us." Hey! It's J.B! You know, Danny's junkie friend from last season on NYPD Blue. Mike asks if J.B. has said anything. Nope, only that he didn't do it. Mike turns back to the uniform and orders that he "read him his rights." Done! Oh, this uniform is an eager beaver. "Get him back to interrogation and I'll meet you there." J.B. stares out over the scene of the accident with a glassy look on his face, his mouth wide open like he's setting a trap for one unsuspecting fly.
The Firm Where They Deal With Pain. Jimmy "The Lump" Berluti is complaining about working late. Wah. He promised Ellenor he'd be by with dinner a half hour ago. Lump wants to know why Rebecca can't work late. Um, because she's a set decoration and they don't ever work late. They are part of a union. Ragdoll wants to know why they don't hire more lawyers. Lucy, adding phone hostess to her ever-increasing résumé, tells Jimmy the food is waiting for him at pick-up. Slamming a file down on Rebecca's desk, Lump turns to his co-worker and says, "I'm just saying it's you and me every night, Eugene. Plus, I've got to bring Ellenor her food." Wow, Ellenor must really be swamped with the baby if she can't even call for take-out her own damn self. You know Jimmy's not going over there when the door opens and a woman rushes in, exclaiming, "Jimmy!" Like he's her long-lost brother or something. This woman has a porno voice; it's all husky and whispery. She needs some help. It's Eddie. But it isn't drugs this time. He may have killed somebody. Oh, great -- J.B. is a client of Jimmy's. Let the circus begin. It's Helen vs. the Firm, Part 845,908.
Interrogation Room Of Pain. J.B. is literally twiddling his thumbs. His mouth is still wide open. Helen peers through the glass. Mike says, "He must have been wearing gloves. None of the prints matched." They dusted the whole car already? No, just a single door. And not a single witness? Mike shakes his head: "Not yet." Helen asks, "What happened anyway? Do we know?" Insert plot background filler here: the husband went into buy diapers. The victim noticed that her husband left his wallet on the seat, and she ran into to give it to him and ran back out. The thing, the husband hears screaming and sees his wife caught in the door and the car speeding away. We peer inside at J.B., who is still playing with his thumbs. They are providing him with hours of amusement. Helen asks, "And this guy?" I hate how we can see her reflection in the two-way mirror. It creeps me out. Like Helen is in a funhouse, only she's so skinny that the funny mirror makes her look relatively normal. Mike checks his police notepad and tells her J.B.'s got a string of drug-related arrests, but they found the victim's purse on the road near the place where the uniforms nabbed him. "What's his story?" Mike tries to contain his disgust: "Out jogging." Helen smirks. She doesn't believe that line for a second. Then she walks around Mike and puts her hand on the door: "Let me give it a shot. Alone."
She steps into the room and introduces herself. J.B. announces, "I didn't kill anybody." She asks if he's been read his rights. His answer: "I didn't do anything." She snarks, "I think you should let me speak for a second and then you can respond, okay?" He closes his mouth for a second, pouts, and then lets it fall open again. Helen lies about there being witnesses at the store who saw him get into the car. Eddie denies this. Helen lies again and says the driver of the other car also made out that it was Eddie. The DA trots out the party line, blah dee blah you were just trying to steal the car, blah dee blah we know this was an accident, blah dee blah if you cooperate, we can help you, blah bullshit blah. Eddie simply stares at Helen and says, "It wasn't me." The Toccata Of Terrible Liars swells up as Helen asks, "Who did you vote for, Eddie?" He just stares at her and I want to reach into the scene and snap his freaking mouth shut. "Did you vote for George W. Bush?" Because Dubya is Eddie's worst nightmare. Hey, he's everyone's worst nightmare. He proposed legislation to bring back the death penalty in every state. Helen doesn't blink her heavily mascara-coated lashes: "And it's about three weeks from passing here in Massachusetts." J.B.'s mouth: still wide open. She continues, "And I can tell you my office is just chomping for that first chance." Pause. Mouth shot. Unpause. "Here we have a carjacking, every citizen's biggest fear [whatever, Helen], a dead mother with a three-year-old child, the husband is a city councilman [yeah, right]." Insert toccata tide here. Pause. Pause. Pause. "You're going to die, Eddie." I can't believe he's falling for Helen's crap.
Outside of The Interrogation Room Of Pain. Jimmy comes into the police station with Karen Larson, Eddie's sister, in tow. Phones are ringing, and the office is extremely busy for so late at night. The Lump introduces himself to a nameless detective and explains that the cop shop is holding one of his clients and he'd like to see him.
Inside. Eddie: "And why would you help me?" That's the smartest thing he's said all night. Before she can answer, Detective Mike interrupts, walks toward Helen, and whispers in her ear. She looks up to him and says, "Now? He's right out there?" Now, we know she's talking about Jimmy, but she turns to Eddie and says, "Do you know who Paul Salucci is?" Eddie stares dumbly ahead, still, with his mouth agape as though he's about to munch on a very large sandwich with lots of cold cuts, lettuce, and covered in mustard. Well, he's the governor of Massachusetts and he's waiting outside. He's a friend of Dubya's. Huh? Helen excuses herself and gets up to leave the room. Eddie resumes playing with his thumbs.
Outside. Helen struts up to the Lump and chastises him: "You were supposed to bring Ellenor her dinner!" He had Lucy do it. Oops, that's another occupation: restaurant delivery service. Jimmy tells Helen he represents Eddie Larson and then introduces his sister. Helen says, "Hello." But she's not very sincere; you can tell by the way she's got her arms wrapped around her teeny little midriff. Lump wants all questioning to stop. Helen shrugs, "Fine. We already finished actually. He's been taken to booking." How long until he's brought back up? Oh, they're not bringing him back up; Jimmy will have to wait until arraignment. Why? "Because that's the procedure. You know that. You can see him before he goes into court tomorrow." Jimmy nods and then says, "No more questioning." Like that's going to stop Helen -- police investigation is her heroin; she just can't ever seem to get enough. Then, Helen flat out lies to Jimmy and gives him her word that they won't continue to question Eddie, and as she walks back toward the interrogation room, she turns back and says, "She better have gotten her food." The Lump spits, "She did!" After Helen walks away, Jimmy explains the situation to Karen, and then the two of them leave.
Inside. Helen tells Eddie that Governor Salucci saw the news. He's not just Dubya's friend, but also Councilman Reid's. Damn. Eddie certainly believes he's gotten himself into a world of trouble. Helen continues, "You asked why I would want to help you." She looks down at him. "For me to be able to answer that I have to be able to trust you. Because what I am about to tell you could get me in trouble." I half expect Eddie to whisper under his hand while coughing, "Bullshit." You know that trick? Only he doesn't. He never tells Helen she's half cracked, never asks to see Governor Salucci if he's standing outside, never wants to know if Helen's full of crap; he just sits there with his mouth open, listening. The Wailing Wall Of Regret creeps up as Helen sits down and explains that she has a personal relationship with Eddie's lawyer. Blah dee blah friend of a friend of a friend, blah dee blah favour of a friend of a favour of a friend, blah dee blah does Eddie understand? Hell, I don't quite understand what Helen thinks she accomplishing, so how the heck could Eddie? She leans right in: "I'm the only person who can save your life." Pause. Pause. "Tell me what happened." Eddie shakes his head and then tells her what she wants to hear: "I only meant to steal the car. Somehow her jacket." His Wailing Wall continues to wail. "I never meant to kill her." Snot drips from his nose. Helen: "I know you didn't, Eddie." And she's got her man. She lied, she cheated, but she got her man.
There are many words to describe the dancing Gap commercials: "annoying" and "irritating" are a couple. Now it's your turn. I'll bet you can do better than I can.
The Holding Cell Holding Eddie's Pain. Jimmy screams, "You confessed?" Eddie explains how the DA told him he'd get the death penalty if he didn't cooperate. Jimmy is astonished: "We don't have a death penalty in Massachusetts." Earnest Eddie explains that it's about to pass in three weeks. The Lump steps forward: "Who told you that?" The DA. "What else did she tell you?" Eddie: "That she could help. That she could do you a favour since you were friends with Karen." Jimmy doesn't miss a beat: "How'd she know I was friends with Karen?" He holds Eddie's confession in his hand: "Wait a minute! This says it was signed at 9:35 p.m.!" Oh, the pieces are falling so nicely into place. I love it when Helen lies and then thinks that no one will find out she's lying. That's my favourite part of The Practice. Not. Is that when Eddie signed the papers? Around then, "yeah." And this is when he confessed? Ah duh, that's what the confession says. Jimmy leans towards Earnest Eddie: "Where did that take place?" He shrugs, with his mouth wide open: "At the police station." There is steam barreling from Jimmy's ears. He was at the police station last night at eight. Did he know Jimmy was at the police station? Eddie shakes his head. Oh, this answer is the wrong answer because, wow, is Jimmy ever M.A.D.
The DA's Office Where They Lie About Pain. Why are phones ringing everywhere? Why? Why do sound effects have to accompany every single scene? Jimmy bursts into Helen's office: "You lied to me! You questioned him after I was there. You got his confession at 9:35. You lied to me!" He points his finger toward Helen every time he says "lied." Helen responds, "I'm sorry. I had to do that." Blah dee blah you lied to me point-blank, blah. Helen: "What's the big atrocity, Jimmy? That the truth came out?" He stumbles around some words, but Helen doesn't let him speak; she jumps up and snaps, "I was there last night. I saw a little boy pulled from a wreckage. I saw his eyes go to his dead mother." Blah dee blah this isn't about that, blah dee blah it's about lying, blah dee blah it's about the law. She says she acted within the law. He says, "You think so." She says she knows so. He says let's see what a judge will say, because he's moving to suppress the statement. She says fine. He says have a good look in the mirror. She says you can do everything within the law to free your murderers, but I can't try just as hard to put them away. He says she went outside the law. She says no she didn't and he should look it up. Well, he doesn't like that answer and storms out of the office.
The Firm Where They Alleviate Pain. The Lump is pacing. The Emperor makes a token appearance and tells Jimmy to "slow down." This doesn't mean he doesn't wave his hands around like an idiot, though. Jimmy can't slow down. He's too mad. He's boiling. He's boiling mad. The Lump relates all of Helen's non-truths to Eugene and Rod. Jimmy screams that Mr. Reid is "no city councilor but he's a pharmacist." Eugene can't get past the fact that Helen continued to interrogate Eddie even after Jimmy told her not to. The Lump continues to pace. He explains that Helen says what she did is legal. Rod interjects: "Rebecca." She replies that she's already on it. Lucky for Rod that the minions are right at his fingertips. Eugene thinks Jimmy should try to get the statement suppressed. Jimmy replies, "I'm already on that." Rod's hands float up like he's about to give a sermon and bless the broken children beneath him. He's got the Holy Ghost Power. He points to Jimmy: "Do it before Judge Kittleson." Jimmy explains that Eddie has already been arraigned. "Has this judge assigned it yet?" Bobby steps forward. No? Good. His hand slices the air like cold air on a hot day. Kittleson won't go for Helen's crap. Can lawyers really pick the judges they want to argue their motions in front of? Anyway, Jimmy natters on about Helen lying right to his face, RIGHT TO HIS FACE. Is his ego upset, or is he honestly angered about Helen's apparent lack of ethics? It's your call, but I think Jimmy's more upset about Helen not acting like a friend then he is about Eddie ending up in jail for the rest of his life.
Helen's Office Of Pure Pain. There are more thumb shots. This time, it's Mr. Reid: "How can he get off if he confessed?" Helen assures Grieving Father that Eddie's not "getting off," but she does want him to know that if the defense succeeds in having the confession suppressed, their case becomes extremely thin. Why oh why do they dress all of the non-cast members in beige? Eddie was wearing a beige turtleneck with a really ugly suede vest, and now Grieving Father is wearing a beige Mr. Dressup sweater with beige pants and a beige shirt. And no one is listening to me on the whole eyeliner-smudging-under-the-eyes issue either. I'm very mad at make-up and wardrobe. Helen says she knows the law supports her, she is very sure of that, and then she dismisses Mr. Reid with a little "I think you should be with your son and let me deal with this." He nods. And then sets up the obvious result of the suppression hearing by saying, "Promise me you won't let him go free, Ms. Gamble." Now, you all know that when Helen promises something like this, it means that the D-Fence is going to win, because -- say it with me people -- David E. Kelley's plots are contrived. Correct. The class gets an "A," while DEK gets an "F" for lack of creativity.
Kittleson's Courtroom Of Legal Pain. Helen and Jimmy are arguing their motion in front of Judge Beautiful. Helen pulls out some obscure case law. The judge responds to Helen's argument by saying, "I understand the opinion, Counselor, but it's the reasoning that troubles me." Tick. Tick. Tick. The time bomb of dramatic irony runs up the clock. Helen argues that everything depends on the suspect's state of mind: "He knew he could have a lawyer, he chose not to ask for one. The fact that a lawyer was asking for him is irrelevant." The Lump pipes up, "That's ridiculous." They do the back-and-forth snark for a bit. Jimmy says that he was intentionally lied to, that Helen gave him her word she wouldn't question Eddie any further and she did so anyway. Again, they bicker back and forth: Helen thinks she's allowed to lie; Jimmy doesn't think she should lie to an officer of the court; Helen thinks that's irrelevant. Jimmy argues that her actions are legal only under the federal Constitution. There's no case under the Massachusetts constitution. She argues that when no case law exists in state legislation, they should listen to the Supreme Court. Blah dee blah the states are divided, blah dee blah the majority of states reject the rule, blah dee blah Florida, California, blah dee blah they all say the same thing, blah dee blah the client should know when his lawyer is trying to reach him. Helen retorts, "That's not the law in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." Kittleson takes the matter under advisement. She'll let them know when she makes a decision; until then, they are adjourned. People mill about in the fake gallery. Eddie sits with his mouth agape. Does he have no other acting skills? His entire repertoire consists of mouth open/mouth closed dumb stares. Eugene comes up behind the DA and whispers, "Come on, Helen." He attempts to read her the riot act. She defends herself brilliantly: "You do what you do, I do what I do." Must have taken DEK a million years to think of that comeback. Not. "Why is it personal every single time?" Jimmy mutters, "Because you lied to me and that is personal." Helen exclaims, "Oh, for God's sake. You accuse people in an open courtroom." Bickering and bedlam ensues as all three lawyers argue their non-existent ethics. Judge Kittleson reins them in and tells them to act like adults. Helen stomps out of the courtroom; Jimmy seethes.
Restaurant Of Nauseous Pain. Surprisingly, Helen's not eating. Richard "The Runt" Bay is chowing right down, but his co-worker is acting a little forlorn: "Do you think I was wrong?" Of course he doesn't think she's wrong. Richard: "Of course we're allowed to lie. That's why I went into law." Ha. Then he rambles on about the disgraceful defense lawyers. Helen admits that she felt a little "greasy." But there was a higher purpose, because without the confession, Eddie will go free. Richard doesn't think she has anything to apologize for. I'm feeling a deep sense of déjà vu as Helen says, "I need the speech." Oh. My. Lord. It's the tsunami speech all over again, and Richard always rises to the bait. A seasoned lounge piano careens away in the background as Richard gathers up his momentum and launches into the "speech." There's no need for me to recap this scene; it's exactly the same as the one from "Checkmates." Helen is convinced. I've taken a nap, had a shower, washed my kitchen floor and finished eight loads of laundry, and Richard is still talking. Finally, he's interrupted by Helen's beeper beeping -- Kittleson's made her decision.
The Fake Courthouse Of Feeling All The Pain In The World. Mr. Reid is carrying his now-motherless child as Helen walks toward the courtroom. Helen asks after the boy. Mr. Reid is all about business: "Is this unusual? That the judge would rule so fast?" Helen's hoping it's a good sign; if she were going to depart from the Supreme Court, the DA thinks she would have taken a day or two to consider her decision. Oh. Lord. Now enter The Scene Of Utmost Clichés as Karen Larson approaches Mr. Reid, looking like she's about to burst into tears. She leans in: "I basically raised him myself." Well, you didn't do such a good job, and I wouldn't be touting that as a reason for your humility, lady. "He's had some problems with drugs but he would never intentionally hurt a person." Karen's eyes well up with fake tears as she says she's "so sorry for his loss." Why oh why does the family of the defendants always confront the victims? Why? This episode should really be called "The One Where Nothing Actually Happens But When Something Does Happen, It Is Dramatic, And Boy, Aren't All The Viewers Bored Stiff." ["I don't think that'll fit on the 'Past Episodes' page, but I'll see what I can do." -- Sars]
All rise in The Courtroom Of Pain. Kittleson: "Ms. Gamble, while I understand your gallant pursuit of justice, it is unfortunate you choose to do so at the expense of your own integrity." She holds her hands out in a sweeping gesture: "As well as that of the process." She accepts the Supreme Court's decision and finds that Helen's actions did not violate the Constitution. The motion to suppress the statement on those grounds is denied. Now I get confused, because Kittleson goes on to lecture the room about the state Constitution that, without binding precedent, she is charged to interpret. Okay, so here she finds that, within Massachusetts, the police must inform the defendant when a lawyer is trying to contact them. Helen stands up: "Your Honour." Kittleson smacks her bony ass back down in the chair. Roberta is frustrated with the fact that Helen lied to defense counsel. She points to Helen: "We are the system, Ms. Gamble." And then I half expect the Village People to come dancing on set. Shake your groove thing. Ya. Ya. Ya. "The players have to play honestly." Then she suppresses the statement even though a minute ago she denied the motion to suppress the statement. And while The Symphony Of Seriously Bad Decisions plays up a storm in the background, Helen looks down at her table in defeat. That's all, folks. They have insufficient evidence to hold Eddie, and the case is dismissed without prejudice. After Judge Beautiful adjourns the session, Eddie violently shakes Jimmy's hand in thanks. Then he and his sister embrace. Mr. Reid is astounded. Helen is totally disappointed in herself. Go team D-Fence; kick her back on side once again.
We're only halfway through. Not to worry. I'll bet Helen has something else up her sleeve...if she can fit anything up those skinny sleeves, that is.
Helen's Office Where Her Pain Is Dismissed Without Prejudice. Mr. Reid is pacing: "So it's over?" Helen explains they have no case without the confession. What about the gloves? Well, he obviously learned nothing from the whole O.J. fiasco. Helen explains that the gloves don't tie the defendant to the car. They can't use the gloves anyway, because Eddie told them where to find them in his confession. Wow. Eddie is smart enough to wear gloves to commit the crime, but dumb enough to tell the prosecution where to find the gloves? Whatever. Mr. Reid throws some heady accusations over in Helen's direction: "So doing what you did basically secured this man's freedom?" She admits that what she did has apparently backfired, yes. Wow, a humble Helen; now, that's not something you see very often on this show.
The Firm Where They Explain The Concept Of Pain. Eugene insists that the prosecution can re-file the charges. Eddie just sits there with his mouth wide open, staring blankly ahead. How many ways can you say "mouth wide open"? Mouth looking like a train could run through it? Yes. That would work. Mouth looking like it has lost the muscles used to ensure it actually closes? Sure. That's accurate. Lazy mouth syndrome? Maybe, if such a thing existed. But I'd prefer screaming at the television, "Shut your damn mouth please, Eddie, I'm tired of looking at your cavities." No double jeopardy is attached; does Eddie understand? Well, he complains, "you've said it six times, Mr. Young. Do I seem like an idiot?" Which of course launches Eugene into a tirade that recounts all of Eddie's idiotic behaviour over the last couple of days: he confessed; he believed the DA when she told him they were passing death-penalty legislation in Massachusetts; et cetera. Eddie pipes up in his own defense: "I'm not a lawyer." No, and you're not the brightest bulb on the tree, either. Jimmy says that's why Eddie can't talk to anyone about the crime. As long as Eddie doesn't open his mouth, he is a free man. Karen ensures the lawyers she'll keep Eddie's trap shut. I think she's got her work cut out for her. Eddie insists, once again, that he's not a murderer. Except that when you kill someone, regardless of your intention, you kind of are a murderer. He didn't even know there was a kid in the car, and he didn't hear Mrs. Reid caught in the door either. He didn't hear anything until he was speeding away and heard "a little voice" saying, "Where's Mommy?" Eddie's own Serenade Of Stupid Mistakes drums along beside him as he explains that that's when he thinks he ran the stop sign: "When I got out of the car and saw her lying there, I didn't know what I'd done." There is commotion outside. Lucy is trying to tell some Trench Coats to stay put, but they aren't listening. Jimmy and Eugene get up to investigate: "What's going on?" Lucy says the Coats are FBI, and then one of them explains that they are there to arrest poor Earnest Eddie. The second Coat struts over and charges poor Eddie with the murder of Constance Reid. Not. Enough. Oxygen. Going. To. The. Brain. Eddie looks confused. Eugene screams, "Hold on!" The first Coat announces that they're arresting Eddie pursuant to federal car-jacking, blathers on about some penal code, and reads Larson his rights. The Lump screams at Eddie to not say a word as they drag him out of the office in handcuffs.
Hellenor's. A token "mom" moment. Ellenor is folding baby blankets. There is baby paraphernalia all around the apartment. Helen brings in a cup of tea and sets it down in front of her roommate. ["Shouldn't Helen have moved out by now? I don't know that I'd want to live with a newborn that wasn't mine when I worked as long hours as a lawyer does." -- Sars] Ellenor asks, "Are you behind this?" Helen's wearing a faded "Irish" sweatshirt that looks miles too big for her. Her jeans make her legs look like piano wires. Helen says she can't talk to Ellenor about the case. The new mom insists that they can speak as roommates, but is rebuked by Helen, who states that as friends they can argue about Scrabble, but she's not about to discuss the case. Ellenor grabs the third blanket: "Can you just tell me why you're pushing it so?" He did kill a woman. Have we all lost sight of that? Ellenor: "Nearly all your cases are homicides, Helen. You're pushing harder on this one." Pause. Drama. Pause. "Why?" Helen saw the mother lying dead on the street and she thought of Lindsay and Ellenor, and their babies, and she couldn't even imagine the horror. There are fake tears. There is glossy lipstick. There is smudged eyeliner. I'd say Helen's trying to be emotional here. Oh, and blah promise to the father blah. Yes. She is behind the whole federal prosecution crap. Good thing Helen's found a new forum for her vendettas.
Dr. Anspaugh's Chamber Of Pain. Reprising his role as Kendall Marcott, the circuit-court judge that Ellenor complained to earlier this season, Dr. Anspaugh makes an appearance. He glares at an open folder in his hands and listens to Eugene make the argument that the federal case is hogwash. Oh, and Sanders, the lawyer for the feds, is Željko Ivanek, the actor who played Devlin on Oz and the prosecutor in Dancer in the Dark, one of the best movies I have seen in years. Anspaugh doesn't see the problem; their client is charged with a federal crime, and that charge should be heard in a federal court. Eugene points out that Kittleson suppressed Eddie's statement. Again, Anspaugh explains they're in federal court, and what the DA did is permissible under federal law. Jimmy splits the state/federal hairs, but it sounds like he's just whining. Anspaugh wonders if Jimmy is suggesting that the confession wasn't voluntary. Correct; Helen coerced poor Earnest Eddie with the threat of a death sentence. Anspaugh ponders. If Team D-Fence wants to move to suppress on the basis that Eddie was coerced, well, he'll hear their arguments. They set a trial time, and then Eugene asks that Eddie be given immunity on the stand because "he's stupid." Sanders objects. Eugene insists they wouldn't "let this idiot take the stand. Not in a million years. But he's the only one who can testify as to what happened in the interrogation room." He wants testimonial immunity. Željko doesn't think they're serious. Eugene convinces the judge, because Eddie just might be stupid enough to give the prosecution new evidence within this hearing. They don't want that to happen. Anything learned from their client can't be used against him; otherwise, the prosecution gets a "potential windfall from a coerced confession." Loath as I am to admit it, DEK has presented an interesting argument here. Sigh. I hate it when he does a good job. It's so much easier to lambaste him. Anspaugh grants the request. Sanders objects: "What, you're granting him special protection on grounds of stupidity?" In short, yes. Then he tells the two teams to go off and work out a deal, but the prosecution is playing Helen's game and Sanders won't go for any deals. He's playing hardball and he has definitely caught Helen "MC Has Been" Gamble's "always have to be busting their balls" disease.
Twinkle. Twinkle. Little Star. How I wonder where you are. Up above the sky so high, like a diamond in the, ah, oh, eh, ah, oops, living room? That's right, all the stars are falling down in protest. DEK has even ruined nursery rhymes for me. Damn you, DEK. Damn you.
The Gap ads are not only annoying, but the "Hallelujah" girl can't dance. She can jiggle, but that doesn't count as dancing. She can wiggle but, again, that's not dancing. Either that or the choreographer had too many margaritas the night before he or she came in to shoot the video and did a literal interpretation of the contents of his or her stomach.
The Federal Court Of Pain. Eddie explains how Helen tricked him. Jimmy is leading him down the garden path of testimony. "She looked me right in the eye and told me I was going to die." Was he in actual fear of dying? Yes. Blah dee blah Paul Salucci, blah dee blah Dubya too, blah dee blah thought he had to confess or else he was dead. Sanders questions Eddie. Eddie looks dumb. Like dumber than dumb. Dumb & Dumber dumb. Helen is on the stand. She claims it was the idea that they had witnesses that made an impact on Eddie, not the whole "Dubya's gonna get ya" stuff. In her opinion, what did persuade Larson to confess? "Basically, he knew he was caught, his only shot for leniency was to co-operate." Jimmy attacks Helen's lack of honesty during this whole episode. Yawn. Poor Jimmy, poor baby's feeling were hurt when Helen gave, and then broke, her word. She cries legality. Jimmy puts her credibility at issue. He attacks her again. Are we friends? Sanders objects to Jimmy's use of the familiar. Helen snaps back, "I don't know, are we, Jimmy?" In this battle, I think Jimmy comes out on top. Helen looks cold and calculating --i.e. pretty much how she looks all the time, regardless of whether she has the law on her side. Anspaugh excuses the witness and asks if the D-Fence has anything else. Eugene makes a closing statement. Blah dee blah scare tactics, blah dee blah coercion blah. Željko makes his own closing statements. Blah dee read his rights blah, blah within the bounds of the law blah. I like Željko. I hope he'll become a regular. Now that would be cool. He's got a spark about him.
Break for a friendly message from Wal-Mart.
Federal Courthouse Of Waiting In Pain. Karen asks Jimmy if he thinks the decision will take long to make. The Lump thinks that because the judge asked everyone to "stick around," he might be quick. Karen wants to know what the lawyer thinks. Jimmy doesn't want her to get her hopes up, because judges don't necessarily like putting guilty men back on the streets, regardless of whether or not their confessions were coerced. Karen doesn't want her brother to lose his whole life; yeah, but Constance Reid's entire life is gone, and although it was an accident, Larson should pony up some responsibility for his actions. Eugene walks over and sits down. He explains that the prosecution still won't make a deal: "It's in the judge's hands, Karen." In another part of the hallway, Helen comforts Mr. Reid. He knows how hard she's tried. Helen tries to apologize for making a mistake, but the bailiff busts open the door, letting everyone know Marcott has made his decision.
Federal Courtroom Of Deciding Eddie's Pain. Marcott gives the gallery a lecture about the differences between objectivity and subjectivity. He imports the "reasonable man test" on the side of objectivity and states that a reasonable man would not have felt coerced by Helen's tactics. But the test has a modicum of subjectivity, because most criminals are stupid. In this case, the defendant is really, really, really stupid. Was the confession voluntary? Based on what Marcott has heard in his courtroom, he feels that Larson was coerced, and he's suppressing the confession. Therefore, the case is dismissed and the defendant is free to go. Again, Eddie thanks Jimmy and Eugene, and then embraces his sister. Eugene and Jimmy gather their briefcases and make their way out of the courtroom. But on the way out, Jimmy gives Helen one hell of a stink-eye. Lastly, we see the two D-Fence lawyers making their way toward the elevators with heavy hearts.