Previously on The Practice: William Hinks freaks everyone out by being obsessed with Lindsay. The Emperor Rod decides to take the law into his own hands and sends known murderer Alan Neal over to "talk" to Hinks. William ends up dead. Very, very dead -- put-his-severed-head-in-the-freezer dead. Detective Mike rounds up Neal, shows him they've got him on audiotape, and forces him into taking a deal. Consequently, Neal rats out Robert Donnell, who is subsequently charged for the murder of the serial killer. The DA's office is out for "payback." In a moment of what can only be described as weakness, Bobby anoints Eugene faux Emperor as they charge ahead with Rod's case. The DA's office throws Bobby a bone, but he refuses to plead out. The Emperor is going to trial.
The Fake Courthouse. Reeking of Scott Wallace, the Emperor stands mournfully in an empty courtroom. It's snowing outside. Those big, fake snowflakes that refuse to melt when they end up in someone's hair or on someone's clothes are tumbling down outside. Eugene slowly approaches Bobby, who asks, "How did you know I was here?" With his winter coat slung over his arm, Eugene replies, "You always used to come here. Me too for that matter." The Emperor waxes on about the past, and then waxes off about his current predicament. Oh, the wasted dreams of youthful lawyers. Oh, who cares, it was tired when we went through it with Scott Wallace, and it's tired when we're going through it here. He's the star of the damn show; he's not going to be convicted. And if he is convicted, I'll eat my boyfriend's shoes. They really, really stink, too. Eugene goes over the strategy for Bobby's trial. He doesn't think it's a good idea for Rod to testify. If they introduce character evidence, the whole sordid mess about the drug bust where the police officers got killed would be brought into evidence. Bobby wants to know what he's missing: "It's my word against Neal's. He's a felon." Good point. Ole Blue Eyes But Without The Charm prattles on about having to make reasonable doubt. Eugene intones, "They have the audio tape." It incriminates Bobby. The mere mention of the word "audio" summons the Melody of Miserable Miscreants. "Can we win, Eugene?" The fact that Bobby is a lawyer stops him from being able to figure out his own freaking case. Eugene doesn't know. Twinkle, twinkle goes the piano. "Their offer is still on the table." With the force of a thousand winds from Florida behind him, Rod states, "No." He's not pleading, no matter how many people beg him just to throw in the towel and take the DA's offer.
The theme song sounds like something Ross would play on his synthesizer at the coffee shop. It makes my fillings hurt.
The Firm. Helen is briefing the defense about DA Toome. She explains that he stays very neutral. Is this ethical? One team ratting out a member of the other team? Helen advises the lawyers not to try getting emotional; it won't work. Toome also doesn't object too much: "If he doesn't need to preserve something for appeal, he stays quiet." Lindsay "There's No Business Like Woe Business" Dole looks like she's about to burst into tears. Ellenor grumbles, "Great." And Eugene rallies the troops: "Come on, let's go." It's Day One of The Emperor's Final, Very Last, This Is The End Of The Line, How Many Times Can One Man Get Arrested, He's Really Innocent, Trial. Everyone pushes their chairs back and heads out of the conference room. Eugene asks Lucy if all of their bags are packed. Yes! Captain, sir! She inquires whether or not being on call for her rape crisis center will be a problem. Two sets of eyes roll: Bobby's and Eugene's. Rebecca pipes up: "I thought you were just in training?" The Emperor thought she was just working nights. Well, she finished training and she is volunteering nights. This is a one-time occurrence because a counselor came down with a mysterious illness. Ellenor rests her hand on her hip and drones, "We need you on call here." Lucy doesn't think it's a big deal: "They probably won't be calling me anyway." Which loosely translates to: They'll be calling in the hour. See, DEK can't leave a hint like that open-ended, because that would be television travesty. Then the schmarm starts: Rebecca hugs Bobby and wishes him the best; Jimmy tells the Emperor he'd rather be there too. Eugene tells them they can't have an army. They need some lawyers back at The Firm earning the money to pay for the fancy lifestyles everyone has become accustomed to living. A humble Emperor appreciates everyone's support. Then Team Defense rushes out to court.
There we see Eugene, Ellenor, and Bobby walking down the hall. Eugene is briefing Rod as the gang walks toward the elevator. He tells Bobby that there are lots of reporters on the sixth floor, and Rod should simply walk through them, looking humble but like a winner. Huh? As if Bobby could manage "humble" any day. Call it "haughty" and we've got a winning expression. As the three of them are headed up in the elevator, Detective Mike stops the closing doors and wrestles his way onto the car. The silence is cutting. Eugene and Bobby give him a simultaneous stink-eye. Traitor! Mike stands with his back to the crew. He can feel the Emperor's steely blue eyes boring their way into his back. It's the knife I bet Rod wished he had handy. Oh, wait, right, it's Neal who goes around killing people, not Bobby. Channeling a grade-three schoolyard brawl, Bobby growls, "Thanks a lot, Mike." Eugene chastises him, but that doesn't stop a Rod on a roll: "We're friends." This time it's Ellenor who begs him to stop. A painful silence surrounds the group as the elevator climbs steadily upwards.
Detective Mike is on the stand. DA Toome is questioning him. Could they have picked a worse name for the DA? Any. Way. Mike explains to the jury how Lindsay believed she was being stalked. How many times did Mike detain Hinks at the request of the defendant or the defendant's wife? It was three times. The camera pauses for an instant on Lindsay "When Opportunity Sobs" Dole. She looks like someone who just lanced an open wound with a soldering iron. "For the record," Toome says, because nothing in open court is, um, RECORDED by a stenographer or anything, "Bobby Donnell and Lindsay Dole are friends of yours, is that correct?" Mike replies that they've always been on friendly terms. Toome thinks it's not easy for Mike to be sitting there accusing his friend of murder. Eugene objects. The judge sustains. Apparently, Toome is being a bit too cheeky. Walking forward toward the witness box, the DA asks Mike to recount the last conversation he had with "the defendant" regarding William Hinks. There's a shot of Bobby holding his jaw so tight that he's about to shatter all of his pearly white teeth. The detective explains that Rod was very upset that day. He explains how both Bobby and his wife were agitated and in fear. Mike claims that Bobby said, "Get this guy." Toome: "What was your response?" We see the Emperor sigh and shift in his chair. You can tell he's dying to jump up and cross-examine Detective Mike himself; he just can't stand to have to sit there and be quiet. Mike finally gets to the point. When Bobby said, "Get him!" that didn't mean, "Arrest him!" but "Go and whack the shit out of him." We pause again to catch a glimpse of Lindsay "A Simple Whine" Dole peer sadly down at her feet. Toome thanks Detective Mike and sits back down at his table. As intimidating as ever, Eugene starts his questioning from his chair: "Well, what did you read it as?" Mike wasn't sure. The lawyer continues, "Are you in the business of roughing people up, Detective?" Mike says no. "Killing them?" No. "Arresting them." Yes. Eugene gets up from his chair and walks toward the witness box. Could Bobby have just been suggesting that Mike should "do what he does?" Had Bobby ever asked Mike to do anything illegal? No. Then for the love of Pete, what was the problem? It is possible that when Bobby said, "Get this guy?" he actually meant, "Arrest the guy"? Mike concurs. Ragdoll wishes they would move the hell on. Detective Mike is so totally irrelevant to this case. Blah dee blah serial killers, blah dee blah Lindsay was in trouble, blah dee freaking blah. Enough.
The Fearsome Four are having lunch in a side room at the courthouse. There is a lovely can of Coke waiting for me to reach in and grab it. Well, maybe if I liked Coke. Maybe if I even liked pop, for that matter. Hell, if it would mean I'd crackle the tape so this episode was forever ruined, I'd drink anything anyone asked me too. Okay, maybe not anything, but certainly lots of things. Moving on. Ellenor doesn't know why they called Mike. Ditto. Rod interjects that it was because they need to throw some credibility toward Neal. Smart on the DA's part. A cop is usually pretty darn credible. Maguire made the jury predisposed to believe Neal. Lindsay pipes up, freed of her usual bondage of ever-present tears: "And he's , right?" Eugene agrees. The slimiest of all slimeballs slithers into the witness box after lunch. Make sure you've all got your airsick bags handy. You might need them.
The Firm. A very aptly placed Sky Tel pager buzzes to Lucy's head. Rebecca notices Lucy looking toward the pager but not moving and asks, "Aren't you going to get that?" Little Lucy looks positively stunned. "That's my rape center pager." Well, it seems you have a call. She grabs the pager and just stares at the number in disbelief.
La Hospital. Lucy is standing in the middle of what appears to be a busy emergency room. Perhaps they've used the leftover Chicago Hope set for this scene. A nurse named Caroline walks up and calls, "Lucy Hatcher?" Little Lucy answers, "From the Rape Crisis Center." Caroline explains that the victim is in room three, and her name is Maddie Warner. She's twenty-two years old. Lucy asks whether or not the police brought her in to the hospital. The two start walking down the hallway. After stating she does think that the police brought her in, Caroline explains that Maddie has trauma to her face and neck, and defensive wounds on her hands. As she points down the hall, she lets Lucy know the victim is "in there." Lucy hovers in the hallway for a while before she walks toward the exam room.
Once Little Lucy is inside, she says quietly, "Hi Maddie." She walks deeper into the room and introduces herself by saying that she's from the rape crisis center. The young woman is cowering on the hospital bed. She's curled up in the fetal position, and she's shaking. Lucy explains that she's going to help her through this: "Is there anybody that you'd like me to call? A friend or a family member?" Maddie shivers and nods her head. The "counseling" part of Lucy's job continues as she explains what's going to happen . The procedures the doctor will follow are explained, but Lucy looks, and sounds, extremely uneasy. Maddie is still shaking on the table. Little Lucy moves forward toward the side of the bed where Maddie is curled up. The young woman's face is beaten to a pulp. Honestly, most of her face is the colour of the inside of a blood orange. It is a deep, scary kind of red. One of her eyes is swollen shut like she's George Foreman after the Rumble in the Jungle. Lucy swallows and gasps for air; she hopes the Symphony of the Seriously Injured will hold her up. Maddie's lip is painfully split. Lucy tries to explain that the young woman doesn't have to do the rape kit if she doesn't want to, but that it'll help if she ever wants to prosecute. Maddie is still shaking. Lucy whispers, "Can I get you anything?" A violin masquerading as a siren wallows in the background, begging to be put out of its misery. Again, Lucy asks if she can get Maddie anything, a blanket maybe? As Little Lucy reaches for a blue hospital blanket, she gestures toward Maddie as if to offer up its warmth. Maddie screams and says, "No!" Then she screams some more. And then she screams some more, clutching her hands in front of her face. Poor girl. If DEK weren't so damn heavy-handed, this might actually be a good scene. Sigh -- but serious subject matter always ends up sinking to the bottom of DEK's creative ocean like the Titanic. Lucy apologies. Maddie wails. Then Lucy runs out of the room sobbing and we fade into commercials.
We're back in court to hear Alan Neal's testimony. He tells everyone that he'd been a client at The Firm for about ten years or so, but then says, "Not lately though, because I've been law-abiding." Toome asks when Bobby last defended him, and Neal responds that it's been about eight years. They go through the litany of Alan's charges. Then Toome wants to know about their "relationship." Blah dee blah they were mostly lawyer/client, blah dee blah but when you "allegedly" kill someone, blah dee blah dude gives you back your freedom, blah dee flipping blah you owe him your life. Well, maybe if he's Tony Freaking Soprano. Oddly, getting people off (so to speak) is Bobby's JOB. Back on topic, Alan moves on to answering questions about the meeting between himself and the Emperor. Toome wants to know what happened. In his oh-so-eloquent manner, Neal says, "Well, he told me he just got married and that he's having a little problem. I figured he just wanted me to kill his wife." This prompts Lindsay to roll her eyes all the way to the North Pole, back down to the South Pole, and rest them somewhere in Fiji on the way back. Neal states that Bobby told him a "psycho was threatening her, that he could harm her, and he wanted me to take care of it." The DA wants to know how Neal interpreted Rod's plea. Neal answers, "Kill him." Did they discuss a price? $50,000. Did he pay you? Not yet. But Neal figured "he was good for it." Jackass. When did he want you to kill him? Immediately. There is fire surging out of the Emperor's nostrils. With his hands securely fixed underneath the defense's table, his anger needs somewhere to go, and Rod is having a hard time concealing his disgust for Alan "Hannibal Faker" Neal. , Neal states point-blank that he got the address for Hinks from Bobby, went over to William's house, and waited patiently for him to come home, then cut his head off and conveniently placed it in the freezer for safe-keeping. The gallery is miserably silent. Bobby shakes his head, and the fire comes out of his ears this time. Lindsay "Fourth and Whine" Dole's tear ducts fill with the immeasurable sadness she feels. Toome plays the tape. Oh, the tape, blah repeatedly blah angry man, blah repetitively blah jokes from Hinks, blah dee over and over again blah it's payback you little weasel, blah dee blah the police are on their way, blah dee again and again blah Hinks has cooties, blah dee please make it stop blah the soon-to-be-decapitated dead man quips, groan, bang, whack, glass crashes, the tape comes to a merciful end. I wish I could say the same for the Waltz of William Hinks. Toome pushes the stop button: "Does this tape represent an accurate account of the events as they happened that night?" Alan nods. Bobby seethes. Ragdoll snores.
The hospital. Caroline, the saintly nurse, comforts Lucy, because she's having a bad day -- never mind the poor girl who has just been raped and almost beaten to death. It's poor, poor Lucy. Caroline: "You should have told me it was your first. The doctor's almost ready for the exam. Are you coming back in?" After swabbing her face with a compress, Lucy makes some sort of inaudible "Argh" sound. The nurse wants to know if she needs to call the crisis center and get another counselor down there. No, she's okay; Caroline gives her the what-for. Lucy won't do anyone any good if she runs out of the room again. Yeah, get over yourself already, Lucy-cakes; it's hard, sure, but the poor thing in the exam room is most certainly having a WORSE day that you are. Lucy intones, "I'm fine." Caroline asks how old she is, and Lucy ignores her question: "Let's go." Only she doesn't look very convinced.
The Emperor's Last Dance. Eugene's cross-examining Neal. He asks Alan if he made a deal with the prosecution in exchange for his testimony. Neal snarks, "We covered that." In a tone all his own, Eugene smarts, "Yes. But it bears repeating." Pause. Step forward. Pause. "In all my years as a criminal attorney. I've never seen a case where a man breaks in, lies in wait, decapitates his victim and then gets off with manslaughter." Toome objects. The judge sustains the objection. After confirming that the police in fact have an audio tape of the killing and a video tape of Neal entering the house, Eugene summarizes, "Basically, they had you." Un-huh. So Neal decides to sell Bobby down the river so that he can save himself. Then Neal outright lies: "Look. I'm telling the truth here." Yeah, and I am the Queen of England. I'm the illegitimate daughter of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles, only cuter and without the funny accent. How many times have you been convicted of murder? Neal says, "Once." Eugene continues, "Armed robbery?" He's not sure. Twice. Assault? The witness quips, "Look. I didn't bring my résumé." Three times. He claims he's telling the truth again. Again, I say: Yeah. Right. And after I claim my throne as the Queen of England, you might as well hand over Monaco too, because I'm also the illegitimate daughter of Princess Grace. Eugene continues, "Rape." Damn, Neal's quite the bad boy. He maintains his innocence on that charge. "Perjury?" Eugene's on a roll, because Neal's been convicted once for perjury too. He rolls of the litany of Neal's crimes: murder, rape, armed robbery, assault, and perjury. Eugene deadpans: "Have we left out anything, Mr. Neal?" Instead of spending every day of the rest of his miserable life in jail by making this deal, Neal gets to be a free man. All this for pointing the finger at the Master Finger Pointer, the Emperor Rod himself? Sweet. Eugene ate up Neal like fried chicken at a summer barbeque.
The Hospital. The doctor is in the room now, and he is about to do the pelvic exam. Damn (close your ears boys), pelvic exams are rough at the best of times. I can't imagine what a woman who has been brutally raped must go through. Lucy's brow is furrowed as she stands near the young woman. Maddie doesn't know if she can do the pelvic exam. The doctor trots out the usual "try to relax your muscles" line. Little Lucy leans in toward the victim: "Do you want to hold my hand?" The Beatles swoon. Lucy wants to know if they can get a female doctor once Maddie has trouble, but she declines. She can do it. As the doctor explains the procedure, the March of Maddie starts up to help her through this difficult time. Lucy starts to stutter, and then she breathes in sharply; Caroline notices her obvious discomfort, and tells her to go get some cream. Lucy closes her eyes. She looks like she's going to pass out, but as she goes, Maddie reaches out and grabs onto Lucy's hand, and the two of them are wired together like an electrical bolt of need. After the pelvic is completed, the doctor explains that Caroline will finish the rape kit, but we don't see any of this; all we get to see is the stupid, smug smile on Lucy's pre-pubescent face. Ah, everything will now be okay with the simple clutching of their hands. Pul-ease.
The Firm. Eugene is dictating. Or should I say: Eugene is working through his dictatorship. They've got a decision to make. Does he or does he not testify at his own trial? The Emperor scoffs, "What are you talking about? How do I not testify? I'm the only one to refute Neal's testimony." You know, if I were Bobby, knowing that I was going to ask a known felon to go over and "talk" to Hinks, I would have taped my conversation with him for back-up. They could have avoided all of this mess with a ten-dollar tape recorder from Radio Shack. Ellenor notes that if Bobby does testify, he'll cop to the fact that he did ask Neal to go over there, and under the felony murder law, that's all the evidence they need to convict. Lindsay, who has stopped crying specifically so she could bring her bitchy side to this meeting, argues, "The jury will assume Bobby sent him there. Why -- " Ellenor interrupts, "An assumption isn't proof." Eugene: "But if you say you sent him." Ellenor: "That is proof." Everyone at the table looks at their cuticles. You never saw a batch of more interesting cuticles. Jimmy pipes up, "The question is where you stand now. Was Neal convincing?" Well, Ellenor admits he wasn't terrible. Lindsay wants to know how they explain Neal going to Hinks's house if Bobby doesn't testify. The Emperor's arm slides along the table, around the other side, and clamps down on his wife's shoulder as if to say: "Good one, honey." Eugene thinks that they'll be handing them their case if Bobby gets up there and says he sent him. It could be "case over." Lindsay counters, "We've already lost on that issue. Everyone in that courtroom knows that Bobby sent him." Oh, no they don't know that, Lindsay. She argues, "If Bobby doesn't deny that he sent him there to kill Hinks -- " The Emperor interjects something about breaking and entering. I get up, walk to my kitchen, make a sandwich with the yummy fake meat slices, grab the cucumber, slice some of that up, read my mail, write a novel, read Tolstoy, walk a hundred miles, and come back to the entire Firm STILL ARGUING about whether or not Bobby's going to testify. Jimmy thinks that under the felony murder law, Rod's already lost. He's got to take the stand and make the jury want to set him free. He's got to become the uber-defendant. Point to Lump. Hear-hear from Rebecca and Lindsay. Do I hear a decision finally being made? Does this mean I won't have time to actually eat my sandwich? The Emperor purses his lips and emphatically states, "Okay. I'm testifying." Thank goodness we fade into commercials so that I actually can eat that sandwich.
The Fake Day. A fake reporter is making his fake report about the Donnell case. He natters on about how Bobby is scheduled to take the stand "any second." Whoopee deedley dee. Jimmy mutters as he turns off the television, "Talk about rush judgments." Lucy is puttering around the office. Rebecca and Jimmy are making small talk. They want to know how it went yesterday at the clinic. Little Lucy explains that she's not allowed to talk about the client. Jimmy asks, "Not even whether you had a client?" No, she says, and then walks away, deep into the bowels of the back room where they keep the files and the unused hockey sticks from the second season.
Oh. Good. Lord. The Emperor takes the stand. Blah dee boring blah Lindsay was increasingly scared, blah dopey blah only a man could protect her from the evil William Hinks. Oh, the big bad serial killer was out to get her, oh, he just couldn't stand by and watch it happen, oh, the harassment. Calling the police didn't work. Getting the district attorney's office involved didn't work. Nothing worked. The police couldn't prove anything. There was nothing they could do. Then Bobby recounts the fact that Hinks allegedly killed Jeannie. Toome rightfully objects. Bobby retorts, "His therapist was murdered." You know, for someone who's supposed to be appearing humble and contrite, Bobby just sounds like an ass. An ass with attitude. Oh, Hinks showed up at the hospital. There's another shot of "Teardrops Keep Falling on" Lindsay "They Keep Falling" Dole looking like someone killed her pet and then tried to ruin her life. Oh wait, they did. Bobby is agitated: "The police, again, said they couldn't do anything." Pause. The words roll off his tongue like water off of the Victoria Falls: "He's out there killing people. He's obsessed with my wife!" Eugene stops him mid-sentence: "What did you do?" We all know: he called Alan Neal. Why? Bobby admits that he needed someone who was capable of scaring Hinks. This was because our fearful Emperor knew that Hinks's abilities to manipulate the police could far outweigh the power of the law. Yeah, and Bobby sending a two-hundred-pound goon over there to "talk" to the serial killer is a much better strategy: "Somebody who could genuinely scare Hinks." Eugene asks point-blank: "What did you say?" Blah dee blah fear of God blah. "Did you ask him to kill him?" Blah dee blah no, blah told him not to, blah scary blah only asked him to scare Hinks blah. Yawn. Is it possible that Neal thought Bobby wanted him to kill Hinks? Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Yadda. Yadda. Blah. Blah. Bobby: "I had a wife seven months pregnant. I didn't know what else -- " Pause for dramatic intent, and so that the Melody of Malcontented Misrepresented Emperors can roll into its natural place on-set. "A man who murdered his own doctor who is now turning all his attention to Lindsay. Was it risky to send a man to confront him? Yes. But I was not going to do nothing." Petulant pause; yet another shot of Lindsay looking mournful. The Emperor seethes, "That's my wife over there. Carrying our baby." And Godzilla's child. And the McCaughey septuplets. Apparently, Bobby was "not going to do nothing" three or four times over. He shakes his head. "But I never, ever asked him to kill anybody." Every single person in the fake jury is riveted. They can't peel their eyes off the Emperor. Now that's a Jedi mind trick. Oh, he is so acquitted. Can't we end this farce of a trial already?
The Firm. Rebecca walks in on Lucy filing. There must be something seriously wrong with our perky little assistant, because she's actually working. Little Lucy tells her co-worker that she can't discuss it -- only she doesn't take her eyes off the files. Oh, there's some acting for you; it's the "pre-occupied means she's really upset about something" school of dramatic arts. Rebecca won't let it drop: "How did it go for you?" Lucy says she's quitting. She's just not cut out for it. Rebecca smarts, "Oh. And you know this after your very first day?" This can of non-whoop non-ass knocks Lucy out, and she spills the beans. She tells Rebecca how horribly she freaked out yesterday at the hospital. How she broke all kinds of rules and essentially alienated the victim in her time of need. Okay, she doesn't use the word "alienate," but if she could say that many syllables she probably would. So much for "rape counselor privilege." Lucy is determined to quit. Rebecca gives her a pep talk. A piano twiddles its thumbs, waiting for a solid gig at Carnegie Hall. After hearing that Lucy ran out of the room and then threw up in the hall, Rebecca asks, "Did you go back in?" Little Lucy nods. But she just wanted to run out again. Come on, this was her very first call. She really needs to give herself a break. Again, she blurts, "I'm just not cut out for it, Rebecca." Pretending to be Oprah, Rebecca intones: "I bet you are." Was that just a Hallmark moment that I missed?
Courthouse of Pain. Toome insinuates that he doesn't have a lot of questions. Everyone, including the Emperor, knows this is a bunch of bunk. He has lots of questions, even if they're all rhetorical. The District Attorney's version is a bit more dramatic, but we essentially go over the facts again. Rod states that he didn't tell Neal to kill Hinks. Toome doesn't believe him. Yeah, Neal was a known killer, and yeah, Bobby did send him over there, and, yeah, he did tell him not to kill Hinks, and, yes, it certainly sounds implausible, but that's really what happened. Why didn't Bobby tell the police that he thought Neal had killed Hinks? Well, because he was in shock. That's true. The morning after when we saw Bobby, he wasn't flailing his hands around anywhere; that's a sure sign of shock. Eugene objects. The judge, surprisingly, doesn't say anything. Toome leans in for the kill: "When you refused to tell the police who killed William Hinks, was it because you didn't want to incriminate yourself?" Bobby slants his head to one side: "Partly. Maybe." Toome grates the whole "why didn't you tell anybody what you were doing" issue for a while. I would have objected, because it seems like the DA is testifying. Bobby didn't want Lindsay involved because she was "on the verge of miscarrying." Now, all you doctors out there, correct me if I'm wrong, but when you're seven months pregnant and you give birth, it's not really called "miscarriage" anymore, is it? The baby would be premature, but could survive and be healthy, no? Toome goes in for the kill. Bobby tries to hold on, but he slips further and further into the non-suspenseful, non-shocking fact that he's the freaking star of the show and there's no way he'll end up in jail. Oh, and instead of looking upset this time, Lindsay just looks plain old pissed.
The Firm. And, my oh my, is she ever pissed. Jimmy asks Eugene how the case went this morning. Eugene thinks everything went okay. Lindsay "Battlestar Galactabitch" Dole storms over to scream, "It did not go okay, Eugene! They just put on their case uncontested while you just sat on your hands!" Both Eugene and Ellenor look confused, but that doesn't stop Mrs. Rod: "Both of you! If nothing else you should have at least objected." Ellenor interjects that there was nothing to object to. Lindsay screams, "You do it to break up their momentum, Ellenor!" Because in addition to being Mrs. Rod, she's now a professor of law specializing in courtroom argumentation. Yawn. Then she screams some more. And some more. "It was like you both went to sleep." Ah, now there's a glorious idea. Then the real truth comes out: Lindsay doesn't want to be having "this baby alone." Yawn that cracks my jaw in half. Her chin wobbles. She wants him "in the room with her." And with that, she stomps off to Bobby's office.
Where she throws herself on his couch. He says there was nothing they could do. Toome had an easy cross because he had the facts. Apparently, the truth hurts Rod. Well Bobby, the truth hurts us all. Now, shut up.
And go to commercials.
Jennifer Lopez's love might not cost a thing, but I wonder how much the devil paid for her soul?
The Courthouse of Pain. It's closing time again. The confession tape that exploits William Hinks at his sickest is playing. He's even creepy from beyond the grave. Eugene mounts his defense. They were dealing with a psychotic man who cuts off the heads of women. A man who couldn't be stopped by the police. Blah dee blah she convinced a jury he wasn't guilty, blah dee blah he killed his therapist, blah dee blah then he started stalking Lindsay, blah dee blah he showed up all over the place. The poor dog was strangled. Go Team Rod! Good closing by Eugene. It's a good thing Kelli Williams got pregnant for this season or Eugene wouldn't have any leverage at all. In a nutshell: Fear of God, people. Fear of God. Out trots Neal's record for the millionth time. Neal's word doesn't satisfy reasonable doubt. The fake jury does look convinced. Pause. Toome stands. And then he blathers on about being scared and the lack of justification for becoming a vigilante. Team Rod pulls far ahead. Even with the tape put into evidence, Eugene's closing was more effective. Toome looks like he's holding a grudge. He looks like the grudge is pushed so far up his ass that it hasn't seen the light of day in ten full years.
The Firm. Rebecca hangs up the phone and tells Jimmy and Lucy that the judge has just given instructions. They'll have the decision within the hour. We're on the edge of our seats. Just to add some serious cheese on top of the already crowded serving of macaroni and cheese this episode has piled onto my plate, Maddie, a.k.a. The Rape Victim, comes into the office. She asks if Lucy is Lucy. Of course she is Lucy. Lucy. Maddie just wanted to thank her for yesterday. She couldn't have gotten through the day without Little Lucy. Oh, pul-ease. Way to make even this feel trite and over-manipulated, DEK. The doctors, the nurses, the whole team couldn't have helped Maddie. It was the scrawny, barfing, terrified girl who pulled her through. What. Freaking. Ever.
A side room in the Courthouse of Pain. Bobby gnaws on his fingers. Lucy "O Sweet Wail O Mine" Dole looks glum. The DA knocks on the door and asks for Eugene, but the Emperor won't let him take his lawyers aside. If there's a deal on the table, he wants everyone to hear it. According to Rod, "they're all lawyers." The same deal he was offered last week is offered again. Eugene asks for a second, but I bet it's not to ask the music to shut the hell up. Lindsay gives him the smelliest of all stink-eyes. The tears start streaming. The Emperor again refuses to plead the case out. He just can't cop to something he didn't do. He asks Ellenor's advice. She feels good on felony murder but on conspiracy, well, she just doesn't know. Knock. Knock. Who's there? Banana? Banana who? Oh, hell, you know it is Toome at the door. I can't remember any knock-knock jokes right now. If you know any good ones, email me. Eugene asks for another minute to confer. They haven't got a minute, the jury's back: "Either you take the deal now or we go in there." Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Bobby says in a hushed voice, "We go in there."
The fake jury files in one by one. The Symphony of Second Chances rolls out the barrels and opts for a jolly good time. Helen makes an appearance for the verdict. The judge asks Bobby to stand. Oddly, he's a bit confused by this request, but stands up, looking somewhat discombobulated. The judge opens the verdict and takes a good long look. The fake foreman announces that Bobby is not guilty on all counts. How non-shocking. How non-surprising. How non-thrilling. With each verdict, the fake gallery goes "oh!" and then "ah!" and then "gobble gobble" like the turkeys they are. The judge whacks his gavel and adjourns the session. Toome looks disappointed. Bobby whispers, "Get me out of here!" as Lindsay clutches him tight. They race out of the courtroom, only to be greeted by a wealth of reporters wanting to know what happened. Bobby doesn't say anything. All four members of The Firm scramble into the elevator. Ellenor stutters, "That, ah, that went well." No one else says a word.
The Firm. Lucy and Lindsay are embracing. They knew Bobby would win! They just knew it! There is some inane conversation, and then Rebecca notices a tape recorder sitting on Lucy's desk. It was delivered in the mail today, and it didn't have a card or anything. For want of anything better to do, Rebecca presses play. Up pops William Hinks. He says, "Hello Lindsay. If you're getting this, it's at the instructions of my probate attorney, that means I must be dead. That's unfortunate." Heh. He rambles on about having the last laugh: "This is my insurance policy. See you soon!" Rebecca drops the recorder on the desk and screams, "Get out! Go!" And the two of them are barely able to move ten feet before the recorder explodes. That's right. It explodes in the office, tearing the place to shreds, causing some good old electrical explosions, and dropping fire on everyone's desks. Damn. That's not good.
week on The Practice: Someone from Boston Public sues someone. Ellenor is their lawyer. Yes, it's the crossover event of the season. Yawn.