I'd just like to say that I am quite jealous of deborah for having any closed captioning at all, because my typing at times looks like it was done by a drunken lemur with two broken paws and a speech impediment.
The episode opens at the firm, where we see Rebecca and Ellenor preparing for court. Rebecca "Bee Up Her Bonnet" Washington is hustling Ellenor, who asks, "Is this a coffee thing or an ex-boyfriend thing?" "Ellenor!" Rebecca whines as the two of them start to make their way out of the office. Bobby "The Man" Donnell crosses their paths on the way out as he's on his way over to Lindsay "The Woman" Doyle, asking about "Pinkner vs. Williams Braelyn Tobacco Company." Lindsay "The Woman" retorts, while insidiously shuffling the papers on her desk, "Oh, yeah, uh, she's a friend of mine." "You actually took this case?" he snarls in his most attractive way. "It'll be a winner, Bobby, maybe not a lot of money --" Bobby interrupts her: "You're suing a tobacco company for breaking up a marriage?" He marches aggressively toward her desk with file in hand as Jimmy "Summer of Sam" Berluti echoes, "What?" The Bobby Bickersons continue to argue the merits of the case and everyone else in the room decides to get in on the action. All attention is focused on The Woman right now as Ellenor and Rebecca stop by Lindsay's desk on the way out and Lucy pokes her head in from the board room. Jimmy says that he thought the partners were supposed to approve all new cases. Lindsay snaps back, "It's two days of discovery, tops, and you're not a partner." Way to kick a man all the way down, Lindsay. Jimmy says, "Thanks for reminding me." Ellenor, who is thoroughly pissing Rebecca off by stalling some more, says that she is a partner and would really like to know what's going on. The Woman, quick to her own defense, snaps, "Aren't you late for trial?" So everyone's ganging up on poor Lindsay, who fires back a response as only she with the burnt tongue can: "Thank you all very much for your support, maybe one day in your life you people will have friends you want to support and when you do, I'll remember this." Hey, nothing says anger like the term "you people," and can anyone guess what's up with Lindsay? Lucy "The Intuitive" says, "Definitely wedding stress." Lindsay gives her The Lucy Glare that should have its own patent, and the poor girl backpeddles, "My first instinct was to say nothing. Totally." The stage is set and the snappy credits roll.
Whoosh over to the boardroom at the firm, where Lindsay is deposing her friend Rachel. She's apparently the woman suing the tobacco company for breaking up her marriage. The scene opens with her describing how the cigars caused problems in her marriage. At first they fought about the smell, then about how unhealthy cigars are, then about how she was afraid of her husband developing lung cancer. Apparently, Mr. Rachel started frequenting cigar clubs just to get away from her and spending a lot of money they didn't have: "He started spending more and more time there. Our relationship started to deteriorate." Rachel looks mournfully at the lawyer for the cigar manufacturer, Grey Guy In Grey Suit. "Did you ever go for counseling?" His Greyness asks. "Yes," Rachel responds. "The therapist said his cigar smoking was an issue and that he should stop. But he couldn't. He was addicted." With her early-nineties hair cut and fuzzy sweater, I'd start smoking cigars to get away from her too.
We cut to just Lindsay and the Grey Guy speaking one-on-one. "Are you serious?" he says. Lindsay, "If I establish addiction --" "You won't," The Grey Guy smirks. Lindsay, for the twentieth time already in the show, starts blowing some smoke (see, see how that's the title of the episode, blowing smoke?) about how a trial will cost so much more than if the cigar manufacturer would just settle the case out of court. Grey Guy says there's no way he's going to recommend that his client pay out on this case, and he threatens Lindsay with some counter-suit mumbo-jumbo about costs and attorney's fees should she continue. Now what fun is it if the cigar company won't play too?
Quick cut to inside the law firm, after the deposition. "Nothing?" Bobby says as Lindsay "3.9" trails along behind. They end up standing right in front of Jimmy’s desk. "3.9" tries to convince "1.6" that she still has a chance at some payola if she can get the cigar company to admit to nuisance. 1.6 responds, "Cigarette companies don't pay nuisance, there's no way a cigar company's --" 3.9 interrupts by stating that Bobby doesn't know that for certain, which prompts Jimmy to interrupt, "With the precedent alone," but 3.9 interrupts back, "Jimmy, this case doesn't involve you." Jimmy thinks to himself, "You bitch," and if it didn't concern him, why the heck would they stand right in front of his desk talking about it in the first place, and he hisses at Lindsay and threatens to sic his talking dog on her. Okay, he doesn't. But I really want him to. 1.6 steps in before the fist fight and finally agrees to another deposition -- in this case, a cigar company exec. Lindsay says that the case would be stronger if she had a second chair, but Bobby's busy, so they both look at Jimmy, who says, "You just said it didn't involve me." Word, Jimmy. Lindsay starts sweet-talking: "One depo, Jimmy, you just have to sit there like a big lump, you think you can do that?" And if this is Lindsay being enticing, it's no wonder she's not getting laid. ["Big honkin' word." -- deborah] "She's hostile," Jimmy points out. Maybe because she needs to get laid? Bobby says it's just one deposition and forces Jimmy's hand, so Jimmy's on board against his will and 1.6 and 3.9 walk away from his desk. Poor, poor Jimmy.
We're back in the courtroom where Helen "Stone Cold" Gamble is examining Mr. Kufo, the owner of the store where Cop Armstrong shot the kid. The store owner explains that the kid looked about seventeen, and he entered the store, and just as the store owner turned to get a better look at this customer, Cop Armstrong busted into the store yelling, "Freeze!" Helen walks toward the witness box: "What happened ?" Mr. Kufo explains that he thought he was about to be robbed and began to reach under the counter for his pistol. It was at that instant that Cop Armstrong opened fire. Stone Cold asks, "Mr. Kufo, did you know that Mr. Armstrong was a police officer when he entered the store?" "No." Stone Cold hammers her point home: "Did he ever identify himself as a police officer?" "No," he responds. Helen takes a step back, takes a good look at the jury, and then asks whether Will Bradley, the victim, ever made a move toward the shopkeeper or the defendant before Cop Armstrong blew him away. The shopkeeper maintains that the victim didn't have a gun. Stone Cold takes a good, long look at Cop Armstrong and his merry band of lawyers, thanks the witness, and walks back to her table. Rebecca is on her feet for the cross, and she opens by asking Mr. Kufo about what he was looking at when the shooting occurred, going about establishing reasonable doubt (and here we're all surprised that she doesn't examine the poor fellow to death or bring to light some evil sexual fantasy to discredit him, but I digress). The shopkeeper keeps insisting that he didn't see the gun. Hey, maybe he didn't SEE the gun. We get it.
An outside panning shot of some buildings in Boston that ends up focusing on a large brass teapot. Some very sad, melodramatic music is playing as we see Rebecca, Cop Armstrong, and Ellenor enter a client room in the courthouse. They don't look very happy. Ellenor closes the door and begins to summarize what's happening in legal talk for the defendant. In her professional opinion, the shopkeeper has irrevocably hurt their case. "Why?" Cop Armstrong asks. Essentially, the shopkeeper should have corroborated Cop Armstrong's story independently -- that is, said that he felt he was about to be robbed. But Mr. Kufo only thought there was a crime happening because the cop came barreling into his store. Ellenor goes on to say that the defense has "nothing to validate" his suspicion that there was a crime taking place. Cop Armstrong is indignant -- again -- and starts yammering on about how he's spent nine years on the force and his instincts told him a crime was about to be committed, and if he hadn't saved the day, well, we don't know what might have happened. Ellenor keeps at him, stating that it's a problem that the shopkeeper didn't see the gun in the victim's hand. "What are you, the DA?" Cop Armstrong accuses Ellenor. "No," she responds. "I am your lawyer, trying to make you understand the severity of the charges." Again, Cop Armstrong states that he's not going to go to jail for doing his job. Well, that remains to be seen, doesn't it?
Cut to Lindsay and Jimmy walking through the office. Jimmy "The Lump" is confused, saying, "That had nothing to do with anything!" and flailing his arms around like a flightless bird. Crack goes the 3.9 whip: "I know what I'm doing, Jimmy." Once again, Jimmy's back in line and they end up talking in front of Lucy's desk, except now they're talking to Bobby. Jimmy insists there's no case and that Lindsay is wasting valuable time; Lindsay bickers that she has her reasons, and Bobby breaks it up. "What the hell is your problem?" she snaps at Jimmy, and he strangles her -- metaphorically, of course. She storms into Bobby's office and slams the door. "Is there something I am not getting here?" Jimmy says quietly. Don't worry, Jimmy -- you might not be getting it, but we sure are. Lucy pipes up, "It's Lindsay who's not getting it -- from Bobby." The trademark "Lucy!" comes from Bobby as he goes into his office, leaving Jimmy with a lovely look of final understanding on his usually dumbfounded face.
The camera moves inside as Bobby enters his office. "I have a plan, okay? It's not just about...these people don't want to go to trial. I have a plan." Lindsay whines. The Man takes a very deep breath and looks sternly at The Woman.
The camera swirls and we're back in court. Rebecca is standing in front of the witness box where Cop Armstrong is seated. He's explaining what happened from his perspective. Very calmly, he states that he saw a flash of metal through the window and hustled up to get a better look. At that time, he saw the victim reaching inside his coat for a weapon, the weapon he's already seen flashing in the window. There's a great shot of Stone Cold Gamble as the camera slices its way around the room, and we see Ellenor, Cop Armstrong, and finally we're back to Rebecca. "What did you do then?" she asks. "I went into the store and ordered him to drop it. His arm was still inside his coat. I saw what looked like a gun. I thought he was pulling it out on me and I shot," Cop Armstrong finishes and looks at the jury. He's convincing. Hell, even I believe him at this moment. He maintains his cool, says that he truly thought his life was in danger and that's why he fired. Stone Cold's at bat, up and gesturing with a pen for some reason: "You were off duty and you had a gun?" "Yes," Cool-Hand Cop responds. "Why was that?" Apparently, a six-foot-something, hard-as-a-rock police officer carries his gun for protection. The streets are bad, remember. "Oh," Helen responds. "You said you were suspicious of Mr. Bradley before you came into the store. Why was that?" Cop Armstrong mentions again that he saw the reflection of what he thought might be a gun. Helen starts in with racial profiling and asks if the cop suspected the victim because of the colour of his skin. "If you look closely, you'll see that I'm black," he says dryly in response to Helen's strange line of questioning. She starts in on him about his feelings toward different ethnic and racial groups, and she wonders if he has ever made derogatory remarks about people -- even people of his own race? Cop Armstrong says that he hasn't; Stone Cold asks if he's sure, and he says that he is. She turns away and thunders, "Your Honour, at this time the Commonwealth would like to call a rebuttal witness." Rebecca and Ellenor shoot each other some good startled looks.
More of those fast whirling shots as we're back in a side room at the courthouse, where Cop Armstrong, Ellenor, and Rebecca are: A) trying to figure out what the heck Helen is doing or B) strategizing about what they're going to do or C) kicking themselves for not objecting when they had the chance? How about D) all of the above? Apparently, the rebuttal witness is Hillary Pope, another ex-girlfriend of the cop's. Again, Ellenor "Grill It Like It Is" Frutt is at him about whether or not he knows what Hillary will say. "No," Cop Armstrong says, and adds that he hasn't said anything about the racial profiling, and no, he doesn't know what she'll say, and no, he didn't just shoot a kid point-blank and expect to get away with it. He turns to Rebecca and asks her what's going on; she doesn't know, she says, but they'll find out soon enough.
Some nice exterior scenes, car lights, a pond, a UPS truck turning, so we know it's evening now. We're back at the firm. "You ready? It's quarter to eight?" Bobby asks as he pokes his head into the boardroom. "I'm ready," Lindsay says, and she gathers her things and heads out the door. "Sorry this has been so much trouble -- she's, umm, it's just --" It's a marvel that Lindsay gets a word out when she's talking to Bobby. She too is stunned by his incredible good looks and marvelous taste in men's clothes. Never mind that it's Jimmy she should be apologizing to. "She's a friend; you need sex," Bobby teases her. We all do, Bobby, we all do! Lindsay says, "Please don't make fun of me." Lindsay and Bobby start deconstructing the case -- it’s touching a nerve, is she feeling threatened by it, does marriage really work? "She had a baby, got a little fat, couldn't drop the weight." Started threatening cigar companies with litigation, couldn't bring herself to part with her nineties hair, wore bad fuzzy sweaters. They start throwing around all kinds of double entendres about smoking, forcing some romantic tension between Bobby and Lindsay and making for quite a nice scene between these two. So, Bobby's passion isn't eroding; they share a tender kiss. Lindsay just doesn't want to believe that people simply stop loving each other -- she figures that's her big problem with this case. I want to barf in my popcorn. Thank goodness it's time for them to go home. ["I would have found hot sex on the conference table a lot more convincing, but what do I know?" -- Sars]
Cheesy commercial break. Something about kids, single moms and Hamburger Helper. These are the moments I’m glad to be a vegetarian.
It's morning and we're back in court. Hillary "Rebuttal" Pope is on the stand. Stone Cold looks rough this morning. She's wearing a pale blue suit and black tights, breaking all kinds of fashion rules, while her hair looks like she just pulled it out of a ponytail and walked on camera without using a brush. Ms. Pope is testifying to the fact that, when she lived with the defendant, he used all kind of derogatory language toward people of his own race. Nah, we couldn't see that one coming, could we? Finally, after a couple of words like "nigger" and phrases like "the way the word was originally intended," Rebecca objects on the basis of foundation. Helen states that the foundation is that Hillary lived with the man. Rebecca states that this testimony is inflammatory and prejudicial (not to mention downright offensive and disturbing). The Judge walks out of his window dressing to state that Rebecca will have adequate time for cross and that, for now, he's allowing this testimony. Stone Cold asks Hillary to continue. She goes on to say that when Cop Armstrong would come home from work, he'd start shooting his mouth off about "shiftless niggers" and "welfare Jemimas with their litters of kids." Cop Armstrong jumps to his feet and yells, "That's a lie!" The Judge steps out again and tells him to sit down. Helen completes her questioning by having Ms. Pope admit that Cop Armstrong only spoke about the people of his own race in this way -- and not white people.
In her cross, Rebecca wonders how Hillary responded to such talk: "You never said anything? You didn't say, ‘Please don't use those ugly words when referring to black people’?" "No," the witness responds. If his comments were so offensive, Rebecca asks, why didn't you leave? "He wasn't abusive to me," she says. Piece by piece, Rebecca rebuilds their case by tearing down Hillary’s testimony; essentially, she makes it known to the jury that maybe this Ms. Pope is just another ex-girlfriend looking for revenge. Hillary responds by saying that she talked to the police in this case because she felt that "Craig might be quick to pull the trigger on a black kid he happened to find in a convenience store." Everyone looks mortified, including Rebecca.
Back in the breakout room, Ellenor is lambasting Cop Armstrong about Hillary's testimony. He gets back on the "it's hard to be a cop" blather, talking about how hard it is out there on the streets. The crime. The degradation. Isn't Rebecca disgusted to see a crime committed by a black person? Doesn't that just want to make her strike out and call them names? "I'm in pain," he says. She responds that "it hurts," but she doesn't go around calling people animals. Cop Armstrong says that some people who act like animals deserve to be treated as such. "Did you take one look at Will Bradley and think he was one of those animals?" Rebecca asks. For the hundredth time, he defends himself: "It was a clean shoot, Rebecca." I think he doth protest too much. Cop Armstrong goes on to explain how he and Rebecca have made it out of the neighbourhood. "Look at you," he says, "you're a lawyer." "Yeah, and you turned into one of those white cops we grew up with." Ouch. There's some slow music, and Ellenor steps in to say that they should probably see if Helen will agree to her original deal. Cop Armstrong says nothing; silence is his agreement.
The firm. Lindsay is back in the boardroom with the executive, Grey Guy, Bobby, and "The Lump." The overhead shot is focused on the executive, who’s powerfully stating that he's not going to give this ridiculous lawsuit any more of his time and energy: "Do I look like the idiot of the new millennium to you?" ["You'll do until he comes along." -- deborah] We see smoke funneling out of his ears. Lindsay's response is an incredibly long speech that took me about three hours to transcribe and takes up about a page and a half of written text; essentially, she manufactures a case out of these depositions and threatens to sue the company playing the addiction, addiction, addiction card, and because she's beaten the tobacco companies before, she knows she'll beat them again. She says addiction a couple hundred more times, mentions a whole lot of cancer, talks about the estranged marriage, and leaves every man in the room quaking. When Lindsay scrunches up her face and talks this much, she looks really good. Seriously. As she finishes, there's a panning shot of the executive, his lawyer, and Bobby looking quite astonished. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- she's certainly working her way back into 3.9 territory!
Back in court for closing arguments. Rebecca is up first, making sure the jury knows that Cop Armstrong thought he saw a gun. She makes sure to mention that the shooting was a mistake. Point. Stone Cold explains in her patient yet completely condescending tone that the victim couldn't have grabbed his gun because it was found in his pocket. She plays the racial card. Counterpoint. Rebecca mentions the lack of evidence, says the DA’s office had no real case against her client, and rules out the racial argument by stating that Craig never said those horrible things. Pawn to rook four. "Why would she lie?" Stone Cold asks a rhetorical question, that's a lot of trouble to go through just because Cop Armstrong hurt her feelings. Rook taken by knight. What motive has the Commonwealth presented? Why, none! Why not? Because it was an accident. Plain and simple. This is a police officer, people -- he's a good man. Rebecca pauses for a second to look with the jury at Cop Armstrong; she looks like a deer in headlights, afraid of her own skin. She composes her self and asks the jury to think about why Will Bradley had a gun, and what would have happened if the cop hadn't flown in and blasted the kid, thus freeing the world from his crime. Check. Stone Cold with the bad hair is back up, and with a raised voice, she says, "He shot the man three times! Do we excuse murder because he's a cop? That's your call." Mate.
Lindsay comes into Bobby's office, where Rachel is waiting for the verdict. In complete contrast to Rachel, Lindsay is wearing one of those gorgeous long dress coats; I am loath to admit she looks fabulous. "Two hundred seventy thousand dollars," she says. Both women look giddy. "How?" Rachel asks. "You all but assured me I had no case." "You didn't," Lindsay replies. "That's the thing about this business. Sometimes the merits of the case have nothing to do with the outcome. Congratulations." Rachel makes a desperate attempt at retribution by wanting Lindsay to sue the other woman. She's all out of people to sue, Lindsay says, looking patronizingly at her friend while she wears the big Bobby ring on her finger. A gentle, friendly nudge: "You need to move on." Rachel says, "What am I going to do? Just go home with $175,000?" Yes, that's exactly what you need to do, send your kids to college and get a good make-over; hey, it worked for Linda Tripp. ["Erm. I may have to beg to differ there. I think Linda Tripp looks like a cross-dressing goodfella now. I'm just sayin'." -- deborah] ["Agreed." -- Sars] They hug and Rachel leaves, thanking Lindsay on her way out the door; Lindsay calls out, "You won." The damn melodramatic music is playing again, signaling the end of this scene.
Cut to court where they are all waiting for the jury's decision. Judge Wilcox asks the defendant to rise. The jury has reached a unanimous decision to acquit Cop Armstrong. There is rejoicing! There is dancing! "You did it!" Cop Armstrong is elated. "Thank you!" He shakes Ellenor's hand and turns to Rebecca who holds up a hand of her own so he doesn't touch her: "Congratulations, Craig. You can go." "I can live with myself," he says. "Well, that's the difference between us, I guess." She turns her back on him and leaves the courtroom. Cop Armstrong stands there looking both stoic and defeated. But he won.
The final scene of the episode takes place back at the firm. Bobby comes into his office saying the case is over, their week is over, and they should probably go home. He's on about Lindsay's coupe in the conference room. We're all stunned. Yes, yes, she's great, you're great, you're going to get married, Lindsay's going to get laid and let's just get on with it, shall we? Lindsay worries because a cigar really broke up her friend's marriage, but that doesn't mean that hers won't work, and as Lindsay puts her head on Bobby's shoulder he says he's sure something like that won't break them up because "he's just begun to love her." Ahh, so sickly sweet. Fade to black.