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Downstairs, Ozzy watches the History Channel catatonically, listening about serpents and gods and Israel. Upstairs, Sharon tells Jack to clean up the shit, and Jack says he'll do it when he's done getting ready. Jack starts singing "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and Sharon tells him immediately to shut up. I wish someone had told that to the Baha Men when they first came up with the song. Sharon walks away from him, telling him to clean the shit up now. Jack says she's doing the "Hoochie Mama" and starts wiggling his neck. Jack then goes and tries to clean up the shit but abandons it, saying, "That's tough."
Downstairs. Hey, it's Elijah Wood! Jack introduces Elijah to Ozzy, and Elijah starts to explain that he's Hannah's brother, but Ozzy's already walked away. Hee. They tell him that they're going to go see Billy Corgan's new band. They have to explain to Ozzy who that is. (Oh man, the best episode ever would be if they brought Billy Corgan over to the house and saw what happens. Do it, MTV! Do it!) Finally Ozzy makes the Corgan/Pumpkins connection and makes a face.
The kids. Later. Frodo asks how a dog who looks like that could be named Lola, and Kelly whines that it's a cute name. They report to an eager-to-hear Sharon that the music was "poppy." Kelly thought it sucked, but Sharon tells her that she's just prejudiced. Kelly goes on that it was boring, like elevator music. Suddenly, Sharon starts screaming, having discovered that Lola just pissed on the couch. She yells that she can't take this anymore, as Lola stands on the coffee table licking an US Magazine. Jack laughs, and Elijah says that it doesn't smell that bad. They all start cleaning, including Hannah Wood. Jack says that Lola is a puppy, and they all balk at that. Then Elijah gets into the fun and starts cleaning piss cushions, whistling while he cleans. Hee. Commercials.
Ozzy holds the gay dog. Dog montage. Barking and biting. Lola keeps chasing every dog. More dog montage. Kelly plays with the little seal dog, and then one of the dogs sneezes in her hand.
Now Sharon and Kelly sit on the stairs, and Sharon camera-talks that last night they'd made the decision that Lola had to go. Kelly says, "No!" Sharon continues that last night Lola shat in two rooms. She says it was like an alien on the floor. Kelly mocks her mom as she repeats, "She has got to go." But then Sharon says Ozzy was walking down the stairs and said, "Don't get rid of Lola. I love her." Kelly can't understand how you can just get rid of a dog you love. Sharon tries to explain. "She shits aliens." (That's the name of my fourth album.) She goes on that Lola eats everything. "But she's so cute," says Kelly. Suddenly, Minnie, sitting on Sharon's lap, starts barking possessively at Kelly. Kelly says that Minnie is an evil cow who just likes all the attention. They have a stand-off as Sharon tells Kelly that the dog is about to make a leap for her nose. Minnie barks some more. Man, I hate little dogs.
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