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Everyone knows that Holly gave A.J. an ultimatum before the new year, so the only question is whether she'll come back to the office single or engaged. Michael prepares for every eventuality except the most likely one -- and the one that ends up happening -- which is that it's neither. No ring, but she backed down. Michael's spiral is predictable, but more on that in a minute.
With Jim inexplicably out of the office for the day, nobody's around to talk Pam out of her stupid, stupid idea to have everyone post their New Year's resolutions on a big board. Dwight and then Andy resolve to "meet a loose woman," which at least gets them out of the office for a while, and Darryl indulges in a secret, shameful purchase at the bookstore: an e-reader.
The thing with resolutions goes south really quick, but it's accelerated by Michael's anger at people "not following through." Even Holly knows that's really about her, and isn't swayed even when Michael apologizes to her through Creed and Kevin, the same way he attacked her through them. But in the end, she follows through after all -- the episode closes with her and A.J. on a break. And she doesn't seem too broken up about it, either.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jim wanders into the office on a weekend, but it's not empty -- Dwight is using the conference room to host a meeting of "Knights of the Night," a group of dorky dudes in black outfits and red knit caps. Which Dwight takes pains to explain in a talking-head is totally different from the Guardian Angels, except maybe not completely. They recently set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. "Mission accomplished. Not by us." Dwight thinks Jim's there to make fun of them, but Jim's just there to look for his BlackBerry and is playing it cool, even when Dwight gets to the part in the meeting's minutes about playing flashlight tag. "Just leaving now," Jim says when Pam calls him from home. And leave he does -- he's not in the rest of the episode. Not that you'll notice until about halfway through.
Michael's doing a newsreel-style intro about how it's January 3, 2011, and Holly is engaged to someone else. But he's only talking to the video camera that Erin's running. Outside, Michael THs that it'll be either the best or worst day of his life, what with Holly having given A.J. an ultimatum to propose to her by New Year's, as we learned during the Christmas episode. And if Holly's engaged, he's going to go crazy and start attacking people, whereas if she's single, he'll probably burn down the building out of happiness. Meaning he's going to need some talking down either way, and nobody does that like himself on a video. Or, you know, Pam. Back to him shooting the sad one, telling his future self that killing himself may seem like a good idea but it's not. And then Erin and he both crack up because, you know, "snot." Oh, it's going to be a long night.
Pam has put together a "Resolution Board" to collect and display everyone's New Year's resolutions. How does she not already know what a bad idea this is? Apparently she's met Sue, Vance Refrigeration's office administrator, who's morale-boosting ways have inspired Pam. And lobotomized her as well, because the Pam we know would already be aware what a lit fuse this whole thing is going to be.
Erin is unpacking a bag of supplies into Michael's "happy" and "sad" boxes, including two bottles of scotch for the sad box. Erin THs that she's excited for Michael either way. "If Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he will be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life." Because of how Erin hates Holly. Still funny.
When Holly shows up for work, Michael rudely (but let's face it, justifiably) interrupts Pam's dorky intro of the Resolution Board to intercept Holly and ask for a high-five. This is so he can see if there's a ring on her hand, as Kelly whispers to Andy from the back of the bullpen, but of course Holly's wearing big white mittens. Michael gropes it all the way back to the door to the annex, followed by almost everyone. Once Holly breaks free of the crowd and gets to her desk, Dwight offers to crank the thermostat to smoke the ring finger out, but after a few seconds, Holly removes the mitten to reveal a naked hand. Holly gets it, and waves her two bare ring fingers at Kelly and Kevin. "Hey, right back at you, bitch!" Kevin says, angrily giving her the real thing. And to think she ever thought he was developmentally challenged.
Michael returns to his office so he and Erin can break open the "happy" box and start his "happy" video, which is basically just Michael partying with himself. Good thing Erin's there to keep things from getting too...okay, no. She doesn't even object to getting sprayed with champagne.
Pam's still collecting resolutions (although Dwight's not participating, of course), and Andy's is "learn to cook for one." Which, the more he explains how it's not sad, the sadder it gets. Angela's is "Make time for romance! (with the Senator)." Oscar does the obligatory "state senator" tweak, and Dwight, seeing how easy this is, posts one for himself after all: "Meet a loose woman." Meredith? Anything? Andy likes that one so much he changes his to that. Darryl suggests that if they want to meet some ladies, they should hit the bookstore. As he explains in a TH, his resolution is to read more, and if someone else drives he can eat his lunch in the car. "2011 is coming up all Darryl," he gloats.
Michael finds Holly messing with her new phone at her desk, and they go into a whole E.T. routine that threatens to go on forever until Kelly yells at them over the cube wall, "Oh, God, please stop!" Michael shows off his own "indestructible" old phone by breaking it on her desk, just before she gets a call from A.J. that starts with a discussion of which movie he's going to see and ends in "I love you, too." Oh, don't look so surprised.
Out in the bullpen, Michael is wondering to Pam what's going on with Holly. Phyllis offers to talk to her, which Michael doesn't think would work until he remembers, "She's really nice, she'd talk to anybody." He suggests bringing Erin, "To balance you out." Whatever that means.
Darryl, Andy, and Dwight arrive at the bookstore and split up into their various zones. "I got that cutie behind the counter," Darryl says amorously, heading for the middle-aged matron at the info desk. She shows him an e-reader, from which he all but recoils. He works for a paper company, after all. But when he learns it can hold 10,000 books, he busts out with a "Holy shit!"
Andy and Dwight are acting like big dorky nerds upstairs when Darryl shows up with a shopping bag, ready to take off. Dwight gets nosy about what Darryl bought, but Darryl isn't about to reveal to his coworkers that he bought paper's mortal enemy, so he claims to have gotten something else. "Porn," he says. "Pornography. Old-lady, nasty porn." And thanks to Google, I just scored a whole new demographic. Unless I didn't, in which case don't tell me.
Phyllis and Erin park themselves to Holly's desk with their lunches, Phyllis telling Erin, "follow my lead," which just results in both of them saying they went to Portugal. Phyllis cuts to the chase, and Holly says she and A.J. are still together, even though he didn't propose. She admits that she shouldn't have given the ultimatum in the first place, and that she and A.J. are going to be "just fine." Phyllis tips a subtle head-shake at Michael, who's been watching creepily through the window. Hard to believe Holly's letting that slip away.
In the car on the way back from the bookstore, Dwight pulls into the parking lot of a place called "Temptation." He's still hoping to fulfill his resolution by making his first visit to a strip club, but Darryl is against it: "The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that." Andy suggests the roller rink across the street, figuring it'll be crawling with MILFs on wheels. But it ends up being just the three of them and a family or two. At least Dwight brought his kneepads.
Pam's holding a meeting about everyone's resolutions, like this is a good use of anyone's time. Not that anything that happens in this office is a good use of anyone's time, so... carry on, I guess. Erin says her resolution to learn a new word every day is going "immensely." I thought that joke was hilarious in the pilot... of Night Court. Pam gives her a Sabre Frisbee as a reward. Creed's space is blank (what else is new), but he admits he wants to do a cartwheel. Pam wants them all to talk about whether they're fudging on their resolutions, and Kevin admits that he hasn't eaten more vegetables like he resolved to. But there's a bright side: "I still have time, since last year I ate none." Pam admits that, contrary to her resolution to reduce her caffeine consumption, she had a sip of coffee, which sends Michael -- who's been seething this whole time -- into a rant about how no one can stick to anything. The subtext doesn't exactly escape Holly. Michael orders Erin to go get some vegetables from the kitchen and yells at Creed to a cartwheel right now. Erin comes back with some raw veggies, like who brings a head of lettuce to work, and Kevin starts eating a stalk of broccoli stem-first. Michael turns it around and all but forces it down Kevin's throat, and even so, Kevin just hides it under his tongue. Holly finally gets up and leaves, while everyone tries to calm Michael down and Kevin spews masticated broccoli in all directions. Oddly, I'm having a similar reaction to this episode.
Michael goes back to the annex, but Holly doesn't want to talk about it, or even goof around with him. Michael takes a hint for once.
Dwight and Andy are alone on the rink while Darryl reads his Kindle on the sidelines. And Dwight skates off the rink and right across the street to the strip club. Those kneepads might come in handy after all.
Michael has Kevin and Creed in his office to apologize, and he wants Holly to "witness" it as the "HR rep." But of course this is one of those things where Michael thinks he's being subtle, although I have to give him credit for trying to repair the damage in the same way he caused it. He explains to "Kevin and Creed" that he wanted them to follow through. "I care about you very much, and you loom so large in my heart that I crossed a line." Kevin suggests Michael get his own life. Michael says he hopes they can still be friends. "I don't think I'm there yet, boss," Creed demurs, but Kevin gets up and engulfs Michael into a hug that goes for so long that Michael is helpless when Holly gets up and leaves for the second time.
Andy skates alone, getting way into the Dave Matthews Band tune that the DJ is playing just for him.
Kevin's editing Ryan's resolution, "Live life like it's an art project!" by putting an "F" in front of "art." He asks Ryan how the "fart project" is going. Unamused, Ryan asks, "Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt-end of a pound of broccoli in my mouth because Michael told me to?" Kevin has to admit that it was him, but that still leaves the question of who brings a pound of broccoli to work. Pam shows up all upset, clutching a can of soda. Kelly calls her on her caffeine use, and Meredith pops out a pack of smokes since no one else is doing theirs. "I could be pregnant," Kelly protests. "Okay, no, "Ryan says, not as panicked as one might expect. This might have something to do with Kelly's resolution, "Get more attention by any means necessary." Kevin makes a fart noise, and then actually farts, and Erin does a cartwheel. "Fuck you, fuck you! God!" Creed screams at her. Really, The Office? A month off and you come back with fart jokes and cursing? Break's over, people. Pam brings the resolution board out to the Dumpster and tells us, "Lesson learned." Slow learner.
At the skating rink, the guys meet up back at the bench. Darryl claims to have gone to the arcade, Andy enjoyed his alone time out on the rink and is looking forward to enjoying more of it, and Dwight's back from the strip club. They're about to head back to the office until the DJ offers to turn the strobe light on for them. Even Darryl can't resist that. Oddly, I can.
After going through the happy/sad boxes again with Erin, Michael THs that his resolution is to never make Holly cry again. "Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully." There might be a little overlap there.
Holly THs of her and A.J., "We're gonna be just fine... You know you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? 'Going to be just fine'... just fine... just fine..." And then we see her calling A.J. and saying they need a break, at least until she gets back to Nashua. Like she's going back to Nashua. We see her leaving the office that night, giving the camera a little smile as she goes. She looks like she's going to be just fine.
Tag: the office is empty but for Michael, holding some instructions he printed off the internet, and Creed, who's working up to a cartwheel. Creed manages to pull off a half-assed monkey-jump, and after a moment of uncertainty, Michael decides to let him get away with it. "That's all I had to do all year," Creed says with satisfaction, standing there smiling and not bothering to even shake Michael's hand. So he meant that literally.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.