We open this week's episode in the kitchen of the Big House, where Sandy emerges from the refrigerator to be shot from behind by a giant, streamer-bedecked arrow. Kirsten wields the bow; she enthuses over Valentine's Day, and says that Sandy has just been shot by Cupid. I haven't seen Kirsten this excited since there was bacon. Sandy is not amused as he points out that Valentine's Day is the day. Kirsten can't believe he's not excited, but Sandy's still thinking about what could have happened with Oliver and the gun. Kirsten narrates that nothing bad happened, and that since Dr. Kim lifted Ryan's suspension, the best thing for everyone involved is a return to normal. That means celebrating the holidays! Sandy scoffs at Valentine's Day: "Rosh Hashanah? That's a holiday. Memorial Day? Yes! A holiday!" He asks if Kirsten knows who invented Valentine's Day, and she defensively responds, "St. Valentine." Sandy holds with the more standard "Hershey's and Hallmark." He complains that the holiday makes single people depressed, and forces couples to pay for chocolate, flowers, and lingerie. When Kirsten points out that Sandy never bought her lingerie, he's all, "And see how upset you are?"
Sandy yelps, "I hate this holiday!," just as Seth enters the kitchen; Seth concludes, "Dad must be talking about Valentine's Day." As Seth reaches into the cupboard for a glass, Kirsten shoots him in the back with another arrow. Aw, Kirsten makes cute, squinched-up faces when she shoots. Seth flatly responds, "Hey. You got me." When Kirsten goes on with the whole "Cupid's arrow" thing again, Seth suggests that she's going overboard. She responds that he's one to talk, given Chrismukkah, and Sandy joins in to argue that at least that's a real holiday. Seth corrects that it's technically two holidays. Hee. They all commence talking at once as people are prone to do on television shows but not so much in real life because real people realize no one's listening and it's futile. As Kirsten is going on about how Seth made Chrismukkah up when he was six, while Sandy is talking about how Chrismukkah is the most important holiday on the Judeo-Christian calendar. Huh? Their chaotic conversation comes to a screeching halt (albeit without the bizarre accompanying sound effects) as Ryan enters the kitchen. Sandy kindly asks how he's doing, and Ryan says he guesses he's fine. Kirsten chirps that he's about to be great, because tomorrow is the big Valentine's Day Singles Gala -- a benefit for the local hospital's cardiac department, with a big party. If that's how Kirsten's trying to sell it, she hasn't learned very much at all about Ryan in the past six months he's lived with them. As Kirsten attempts to rally their enthusiasm with wild gestures, the men just stare at her blankly. She resignedly tells them, "I'm gonna go."
California! California! Here we come!
Harbor School. Man. When this show gets some real, high-school-aged extras, it highlights just how old the cast of this show looks sometimes. Ryan and Marissa hug in the hallway; Marissa goes for the lips and gets the cheek. Burn! They small-talk over their mutual inability to sleep, and Marissa laments that she just keeps going over it all in her head. Ryan suggests that since Oliver is now hospitalized, he may get better. When Marissa says she's just ready for everything to return to normal, Ryan can't muster a response. She hopefully brings up Valentine's Day, asking about his plans; he explains that he's committed to Kirsten's event. Marissa says, "For the hospital!" in what may be the most awkward, unlikely line delivery Mischa Barton has yet put forth on this show. Ryan mutters that he told Kirsten he'd go because he didn't know about Marissa's plans. Marissa announces that she'll go too, and then jokes that maybe they'll each meet someone there. The bell rings, and Ryan and Marissa head awkwardly away from each other down the hallway, making perplexed faces as they go.
In the Student Disunion, Summer plays Galaga in the same squatting stance in which Marisa Joy sings. When Seth approaches, she whines that she was going for the high score and that he made her mess up, to which he's all, "Good to see you, too!" He mentions Valentine's Day, and Summer snottily thanks him for the reminder, telling him to have fun with Anna. And while she may be able to maintain some measure of cool to her voice, the Galaga machine suffers mightily. Seth reveals that Anna is Pittsburgh, and Summer snits at the lack of commitment demonstrated by the couple's separation on Valentine's Day. Seth finally tells Summer about the breakup, and we hear the sound effects of Summer losing her game. I don't know Galaga, but its defeated sounds are exactly like when a ghost catches poor Pac-Man. When Seth asks what Summer is doing the day, she bitterly asks why he would possibly think she'd go out with him after Anna dumped him. With the perfect combination of vitriol and uncertainty, Summer snits, "I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface." And that's what's called a line delivery, Mischa Barton. Take note. Summer adds that she's busy the night with the Valentine's Day dance, anyway. When Seth announces that he's also going, they go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth with the insults until Summer caps it off with the always stinging "Not if I see you first." Seth proposes that they both might meet someone special, and Summer responds, "Oh yeah, maybe. As long as his name isn't 'Cohen'!" As she stomps away in her cute red outfit, Seth groans, "Oh, oh. Snap." This sentiment is accompanied by an oversized air snap. Hee.
Sandy enters Kirsten's office at the Newport Group, groaning that he's late because "crusading for the rich and dysfunctional is truly time-consuming." When Kirsten asks for a few minutes to finish working, Sandy moans that he's starving and has been "thinkin' about nothing but crab cakes" for the last hour. As much as I like a good crab cake, I can't imagine thinking about one for sixty seconds straight, never mind sixty minutes. What's there to think about? The crab-to-filler ratio? And besides, if Sandy was so hungry, he shouldn't have been late! When Kirsten asks if he'll be around the day to help set up for the dance, Sandy responds that he's got to work. In fact, he's booked up all weekend and might even be late for the Valentine's Day Gala. Kirsten points out that they're supposed to go together, but Sandy tells her he has restaurant stuff to deal with. She asks whether it needs to be done on a Saturday, and then declares, "No. I forbid it." Sandy's all, "You what?" and Kirsten adds, "With whatever wifely authority I have vested in me on this most holy and romantic of days? No."
Sandy starts in with the "it's not even a real holiday" thing again, which Kirsten says she can't take "on an empty stomach." She grows increasingly agitated as Sandy goes on about other important holidays like Arbor Day and Secretaries' Day and their wedding anniversary. She snaps, "Which we might not make it to!" Sandy wheedles that she'd have more fun at the Valentine's Day dance without him. Why would that be, again? Kirsten insists that he's going because it's important to her, and he rebuts that she fails to do plenty of things that are important to him. She asks him to name one, and he points out that lots of couples go golfing together. Kirsten responds, "Shortly before dying of old age." Sandy then brings up surfing, asking how many times he's tried to get her to go in the ocean. She disbelievingly whines, "With the fish?" Hee. Sandy proclaims himself patient and forgiving, and then goes for the biggie: he puts up with Caleb. Kirsten snits that he'll be eligible for sainthood any day now. Their voices escalate, and the undertone of levity disappears. Sandy announces that he forgives her snoring, and Kirsten claims that she does not snore! He's all, "Oh, yeah. You do. Like a freight train roarin' through the house!" Kirsten yells that she supported Sandy when he went into private practice and bought the restaurant, to which he can only mention Caleb again. She screams that Sandy never wants to do anything she likes, and everything is an argument, and it's always about him! Sandy "yeah, yeah, yeah"s that he's still here, to which Kirsten yells, "Don't do me any favors!" She slams some things around on her desk as he pauses to ask what they're fighting about. She yelps, "I'm not sure. But it's serious!" So Kirsten and her cute red purse stomp out of the office, telling Sandy that he's on his own for lunch. He mockingly calls after her, "Happy Valentine's Day!"
At the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Marissa lies on the couch and reads a book which appears to have stickers on its cover. Is she, like, eight? Jimmy enters, happily announcing that progress is being made at the restaurant. She hands him a heart-shaped box with a big red bow on top, informing him that it was left for him at the door. He holds it to his ear, deducing that since it's not ticking, it can't be from Lady Heather. He reads the note, which says, "Hope you're not too lonely this Valentine's Day. XOXO, your secret admirer." Whoever wrote that note has quite the way with the words. Jimmy concludes that it's a gift from Marissa, but she denies being his secret admirer. Which is a good thing, too, since that would be a little creepy. Jimmy looks perplexed and asks who else "would have left something...nice?" Hee. Marissa agrees that it's a good question, and then changes the subject back to what's important: herself. She explains that she's doing her best to avoid Valentine's Day completely this year. When Jimmy asks about Ryan, Marissa cuts him off to say that neither she nor he wants to talk about it. Jimmy suggests that Valentine's Day calls for "a big romantic gesture," which, he claims, is better than talking. So is Jimmy advocating that Marissa wrap herself up in a bow and get all nekkid for Ryan? Because that's kind of what it sounds like. And what kind of parent tells his kid that talking isn't a viable solution? Anyway, Jimmy takes the lid off the box to reveal that it contains those bland little cookies decorated with Hershey's kisses. I've always hated those cookies. He again refutes the possibility that they could be from Lady Heather because "she doesn't make her disdain a secret from [him], much less her admiration." As Marissa attempts to pop a piece of chocolate into her mouth convincingly, she asks if Jimmy has kissed anyone lately.
We get our first glimpse into Summer's bedroom, which is exactly what I'd expect from Summer -- girlish and purple. She lies on the bed watching television and we faintly hear a "Previously on The Valley." A voice from the television yowls, "I just don't feel like I fit here in Tarzana!" Who would? Do you need to wear a loincloth and swing from a grapevine? What kind of name is that for a town? ["Pipe down, or Tarzana will get screwed out of its P.F. Chang's franchise!" -- Wing Chun] When a knock sounds at the door, we see that Summer's learned at least one thing from Seth; she yells, "I'm busy! Studying! Naked!" Through the door, Seth responds, "Is that supposed to keep me away?" Summer scurries to let him in, and then shortly concludes, "You're at my house." He looks her over and responds, "And you are dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed." When he asks if he may come in, she flatly says he can't, but he pushes past her anyway. She asks what he's doing there, but he's fixated on something on her dresser. He picks up a My Little Pony doll and sweetly asks who it is. When she responds, "No one," he wiggles it at her he says in his best high-pitched My Little Pony voice, "I'm not no one." Aw. Summer's all, "Princess Sparkle. What do you want?" Seth suggests that Princess Sparkle is just Captain Oats's type, and Summer sassily responds, "Well, you tell him to keep his hooves off!" Summer starts to tell Seth the same, but he cuts her off to ask for a second before she kicks him out. He urges her to listen, and then explains that it's not like he's choosing Summer now just because he and Anna broke up. He earnestly says, "'Cause the whole reason that we broke up is...'cause for me? It's always been you, Summer. I've had to fight it, and I've tried to deny it and I can't. I can't do it. You're undeniable." What a perfect speech! How very John Cusack! How very REO Speedwagon! Yay! Summer leaps forward to kiss him, and they fall to the bed together; she unzips her sweat jacket (it's sexier than it sounds) and lies on top of him. Two seconds into the kissing, she asks if he has a condom, except she fumbles toward calling it a "you know." He does have one in his wallet, and then rambles that he was starting to view it as a rabbit's foot for good luck. She clamps a hand over his mouth and says, "You're about to get lucky." She sits up and removes her shirt, and we see her braless back. We also see Seth's aghast expression as the soundtrack pipes in with a male voice enthusing, "Hello, sunshine!" Seth stares at her breasts and mumbles, "Whatever you say, Summer. Yes. Yes." She smiles sweetly, and falls forward to him.
It's dusk as Lady Heather opens her door to find Luke outside. They exchange awkward hellos, and he asks if Marissa brought her Bio textbook home. Lady Heather points out that Marissa doesn't live there anymore, and that Luke knows that. He awkwardly claims that he must have forgotten. She disbelievingly "uh-huh"s him. As she starts to close the door, Luke interrupts to point out that tomorrow is the Valentine's Day dance; he's going, and wondered if she's going, because he thought she might need a ride. After everything with Caleb, she says, she thinks it's best just to avoid the holiday. Luke quickly covers that it's just another day of the week, and hurries to leave, stomping down the steps and rolling his eyes at his own dorkiness. Lady Heather maintains a straight face as he leaves, and then bursts into girlish giggles.
Summer's bedroom, we find out, has eggplant-colored sheets. It's very incongruous with her personality and the rest of the pastel room. Seth and Summer lie on their backs side by side, not touching and looking very uncomfortable. He's all, "So. That was sex," and she's all, "Yup." After more awkward silence, he announces that he's going to leave; she says she is, too. When he points out that she lives there, she explains that she meant she's going downstairs. She then does that thing that only television characters do, wrapping herself up in the bed sheets and pulling them entirely off the bed as she walks away. This leaves Seth lying on the bed naked. He's quite triangular. Oooh, and I see hipbones. And a little mid-chest fur patch! Seth looks down, realizes that he's exposed, and grabs a pillow to cover himself up. He slowly rolls off the bed.
Marissa enters the pool house, bearing a red rose. She pounces on Ryan and the heavy breathing commences. Do they employ special heavy-breathing extras for that? Marissa says she loves him, and then removes her shirt as she says, "We've waited a long time...to...ya know." She thought they could celebrate Valentine's Day this way! He responds to her advances briefly before stopping her. She's all, "What? You don't wanna?" He immediately says that he doesn't. When she looks hurt, Ryan corrects that of course he does, but that it just seems too soon after everything that's happened. Marissa says again that she wishes it hadn't happened, and that they could be like they were before; she just wants to make it up to him. Ryan insists that she doesn't have to "do...this." And maybe Marissa should get herself back into counseling, because the first time she had sex, it was out of spite, and this time she's trying to use it as currency to make Ryan like her. I guess it's not big surprise, considering who her mother is. Marissa finally agrees that Ryan's right; she says she's going to leave, "'cause this is just really..." He cuts her off to finish, "Wrong," and she says, "I was gonna say 'embarrassing,' but I guess 'wrong' works." She spins as she leaves the pool house, leaving Ryan open-shirted and confused.
It's now morning, and Ryan looks particularly cute when he's sleepy and his vulnerability is upped. Seth busts in, announcing that he has big news. Ryan ignores him, asking if he's going to go help set up for the party. Seth tells him, "Yeah, it's a whole lot of lifting; it's not really my thing. And I don't know if I just mentioned this, but I have some big news!" Ryan says he heard and asks what's up, to which Seth is all, "Ryan. I'm a Man now. Ands not just like an after-your-Bar Mitzvah man but a Man Man. I had sex...with a Girl!" The capital letters are totally implied by his voice. When Ryan asks how it was, Seth will only responds, "I had sex!" Ryan concludes, "That bad?" and Seth insists that it wasn't bad so much as weird, and not kinky weird, but just "weird awkward." He credits this to his own virginity and Summer's experience, going on about some faces he made in the middle that he wishes he could take back and also "sort of whiney noises that came out toward the end." Hee. He then gets to the point: he sucked. (And not in any good way, obviously.) He explains, "I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home." I wonder what the good folks at Pixar think of that. Ryan grimaces a "too much information" face, and suggests that Seth will get another chance, fraternally patting him on the shoulder. Aw. Seth isn't sure, though, because the situation with Summer is now murkier than it was before the awful "fish sex." Ryan's all, "I wouldn't refer to it as 'fish sex' ever again." Seth concedes that it's a good point, and then explains that he's come to Ryan for advice and "tricks of the trade." He conspiratorially whispers that he thinks Summer is used to "driving a higher-performance vehicle." Ryan suggests that he's not exactly one to talk about romance, since things with Marissa have been so different post-Oliver. Seth asks if Ryan wants to talk about it, but Ryan just says he has to go. Seth hopefully asks for any wisdom Ryan can bestow, and Ryan just tells him to do it again. Seth despairs, "That's what I was afraid of."
At the beach, Marissa and Summer sun as Marissa lies that she and Ryan decided to wait because they were both just so tired. She does a good job of sounding unconvincing, but then, sounding unconvincing is Mischa Barton's strong suit. Summer pauses, and then sadly reveals, "I wish we had waited." Marissa's all with the "What?" and the "Who?," and Summer admits that she and Seth had sex. Marissa can't believe that this didn't come up in the hour she and Summer have been together, but considering she's always going on about herself (and will be again in a matter of seconds), it really shouldn't be that much of a shock. Summer says, "I must have forgotten." Her hair is in long braids, and she looks like Pocahontas. If Pocahontas wore a bikini and expensive sunglasses, that is. Since the conversation has gone on long enough without being about her, Marissa tearfully admits that she lied before, and that things with Ryan were terrible! She thinks he hates her! Summer insists that he doesn't hate her, and Marissa explains that he turned down sex. Summer's all, "He might be on to something." Summer advises Marissa not to beat herself up over it, because who could have known Oliver would "turn out to be Looney Tunes." Marissa points out that Ryan did, and Marissa didn't listen to him! She whimpers that perhaps they weren't meant to be together, and Summer joins in lamenting the possibility that they're just chasing after the wrong boys.
It's now officially Valentine's Day, and Kirsten's wardrobe has progressed from the pre-Valentine's Day pink to full-on red. Sandy enters, delivering the goofiest (and most wonderful) "hello" ever captured on film. He eats lox out of tinfoil, and asks how long Kirsten is going to be angry with him. She whines that he ruined her favorite holiday, so until it's over, they have nothing to talk about. Seth enters, asking if Sandy is busy, because he needs to talk to him. Sandy asks what's going on, and Seth explains that it's "girl stuff." Sandy proudly announces, "Well, you've come to the master," as Kirsten snickers beside him. When Sandy points out that he got her, Kirsten rebuts that she was "young, impressionable, and drunk." Seth's all, "Hey! Only child. Right here." The doorbell interrupts, and Kirsten heads off to get it because she needs some fresh air, leaving Sandy and Seth alone. Seth mumbles that he never thought he'd have to say it, but that he thinks he and Sandy need to have "the talk." He lowers his voice to a whisper at the "the talk" part. An alarmed Sandy asks, "Now?" and Seth's all, "It's gonna be as hard for me as it is for you," instead of the better response: "Yesterday would have been better."
Kirsten, meanwhile, greets Jimmy at the door. He wishes her a happy Valentine's Day, handing over a plate of the mystery cookies. I don't get the sense that he's on a fishing expedition to find out who sent them, so that's just a rude regifting, particularly since it involves anonymously prepared food. Kirsten admires the cookies; she tells him that they're called "Forgotten Kisses," and that Hailey used to make them. Jimmy grunts his surprise at this revelation, and asks how Hailey's doing; has Kirsten heard from her? Kirsten hasn't, and she doesn't expect to, because Hailey left angry and could be anywhere by now. Jimmy presses for more information, and Kirsten reveals that once they thought Hailey was in London, but that it turned out she was right there in the harbor on her friend's boat the whole time. Jimmy's all, "Boat, huh?"
We rejoin the father-son conversation after Seth has already broken the news. If either one of them ever wants to have another decent meal, perhaps they should have picked a location for this talk other than the dining-room table. Seth sits hunched up in his chair; he visibly recoils as Sandy mumbles about whether Seth used protection. Is "condom" that hard to say? It's just two basic syllables, after all. Say it with me, now. All together. Condom! Seth gasps and covers his ears; he can't believe Sandy just asked him that! Sandy apologizes, and then congratulates Seth for doing so, because if he's going to have sex, he has to be responsible! Seth's all, "Yes. Responsible. And awkward." Sandy says that's to be expected; he thinks Seth was lucky to hang in there "after all that foreplay," to which Seth's all, "Forewhat now?" Sandy looks amazed and repeats "foreplay" to the still blank-faced Seth. I'm sorry, but I find it completely inconceivable that this is a word of which Seth has never once heard. Sandy awkwardly continues, "Massaging, you know? Or, uh, nibbling...the neck." He stops his manic hand-signaling to explain the point: that even if Seth is "ready to go," it doesn't mean his partner is. Seth reveals that he's always ready to go, and Sandy responds, "Well, you're my son! We Cohens are very sexual beings! Virile! Get used to it!" Hee. Seth groans over this disgustingness and covers his eyes. He recovers to ask more about the foreplay, and Sandy tells him "the appetizer is as good as the main course." Seth mumbles that he "just swallowed a little bit of throw-up." He offers to forget that they ever had this conversation, and then thanks Sandy and rises from the table. Sandy asks if Seth minds telling him whom he slept with: "I mean, you got so many girls these days." Hee. He guesses Summer, and confirms from Seth's reaction that it's true. Sandy's all, "Oh, you dog, you!"
At the Valentine's Day Gala set-up, Luke asks Ryan how things are going with Marissa; is she coming to the party? When Ryan says he doesn't know, Luke's all, "What about her mom?" Hee. Ryan says he has no idea, and Luke claims that he's just trying to get a head count for the event. Luke leaves awkwardly, and Ryan nearly takes a crateful of glasses to the head. The crate is lowered to reveal Theresa is holding it, and the two express surprise to see each other. I didn't notice this last time, but Theresa looks just like Marissa would if she dyed her hair black and made a couple of trips to Mystic Tan. She's like the ethnic Precious Moments figure. It's uncanny. Ryan asks if she works there now, and Theresa explains that she figured there was no better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than to "serve pâté to a bunch of rich people." Ryan doesn't react to this statement, but Theresa apologizes anyway for insulting his friends and neighbors. Ryan says it's good to see her. Awkwardness.
Summer -- who apparently wears only sweat suits when she's at home -- lies on her bed. Seth knocks and enters; she expresses surprise again to see him in her bedroom. He sits beside her, urgently insisting that he has to talk to her about what happened: "You remember?" he asks, prompting, "The sex?" She claims she's been trying to forget. Seth announces that that's why he's here: he didn't feel like Summer got her money's worth. Summer responds, "If you make some 'bang for your buck' joke right now, you're gone." Seth insists that he's not joking, and then smarms that there's "nothing funny about what goes on right here." Summer deduces that Seth wants another shot, and he goes in for a kiss just as the music begins again about "Summertime." (But not "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess, because that would just be weird.) Post-kiss, Summer congratulates Seth, because it wasn't as "slobbery" as yesterday. Heartened, Seth scoots behind her on the bed and starts massaging her neck; she wriggles around and asks "what's up with the Vulcan nerve pinch." He goes in for the neck kisses, and she squeals that he's tickling her and should stop. When he doesn't, she throws him an elbow. Undeterred, Seth commences blowing in her ear. Summer spins to ask what the hell he's doing, and he's all, "It's just a little something that I like to call foreplay." She pushes him back on the bed as he rambles on about not listening to his dad in the future, not that he talked to his dad, because he'd never talk to him about stuff like that. Hee. Summer unzips her sweatshirt again and removes her bikini top, and again with the "Hello, sunshine," and again with the "Whatever you say, Summer."
Back at the party setup, Ryan and Theresa sit outside as he tells her about Oliver. When she says she understands why he's pissed off, he insists that he's not. She points out that he must be, since no one believed or trusted him. Theresa realizes that it's not her business, but Ryan admits that it feels good to talk about it with her, since he hasn't with anyone else. Marissa gallops out onto the porch, happy to find Ryan, but not so happy to find Theresa. They greet each other, and Theresa explains that she's helping to cater the event. Ryan's all, "She's a caterer." Hee. Marissa announces that it's great, and then confirms that Ryan will be at the dance tonight. She and Theresa both head back inside at the same time, doing some kind of awkward Three Stooges-type "You first," "No, you first," routine stopping just short of the eye poke and pie-in-the face; ultimately, they both end up squeezing through the door at the same time.
Back from the commercial, we get our second parental-discretion warning of the episode. Evidently, they've chosen to use this particular voice-over guy since the nasal tone of his voice alone is enough to stop all teen sex from happening again ever.
In the pool house, we see that Ryan has learned to knot his own tie. Seth enters, announcing that one day when he's reflecting over this period in his life, he'll remember the chats before the big events as his favorite times. Ryan asks what this particular chat is about, and then notices that Seth is squinting and rubbing his eye. Seth explains that his vision is blurry because "Summer poked [him] in it with her big toe." Ryan asks why she'd do that, and Seth says he doesn't know; he says it was an accident: "there were limbs everywhere," and he's just lucky he can still see. Ryan deduces that they did it again, and Seth's all, "Technically, yes." He adds that it wasn't pretty, and that he might have also suffered a spinal injury. Ryan suggests that he wear a helmet and mouthguard time. Seth worries that there won't be a time after this "latest débacle," which sucks, he says, because he knows he has "so much more to give." Ryan's all, "I don't need to know that." Hee. When Seth asks if Ryan wants to skip the event, Ryan explains that there's "someone" there he wants to see. In response to Seth's raised eyebrow, Ryan tells him it's "an old friend."
At the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Summer looks a little hooker-y in a red dress with a black shawl. For once, it looks exactly like a dress a high-schooler might wear to a dance. Hooker-y and all. Marissa is wearing pink, and her bangs have gotten particularly thick. They look fine, but she'll be tired of them in about two seconds. Summer is also contemplating skipping the event, and Marissa says she doesn't want to go either, but Theresa will be there! Summer asks what Marissa plans to do about that -- spy on her and Ryan? Marissa says she doesn't intend to do that, then admits she kind of does. When Marissa continues lamenting the status of her relationship with Ryan, Summer says she needs a hug. She then begins hobbling across the room toward Marissa; Seth kneed her in the leg. Marissa -- who notices only now that Summer is "limpin,'" after they've presumably been together for several minutes -- asks why, and Summer supposes that Seth must have read it in the Kama Sutra. They hug as Summer continues grimacing. Marissa determines that there was more sex, and Summer is all, "If you can call it that." She echoes Seth's "limbs everywhere" line, and the girls agree that love hurts.
Jimmy ambles around the marina before locating s a boat where a drunk women accuses him of being a cop. She must be a friend of Hailey's! She is indeed, and Hailey emerges to greet Jimmy. He commends her on the "interesting company" she's keeping, and she laughs that she's impressed he tracked her down. He blames it on the cookies -- he couldn't let her leave without getting the recipe for his new restaurant. Because fine dining establishments so often serve the cookies. Anyway, Hailey is surprised at Jimmy's new status as restaurateur; he was wondering if she wants to be his first customer, because he's been experimenting with new dishes and thought she could be the guinea pig. Here's a little hint, Jimmy. No girl enjoys being part of a scenario that includes the words "you" and "pig" in the same sentence. Still, Hailey goes for it and heads inside to change while Jimmy waits proudly outside.
The Valentine's Day Gala has begun, and Sandy ambles through the crowd. He spots Kirsten and heads over with a hopeful look on his face; when he sees her stony expression, he turns away with a resigned "All right!" He walks past Ryan and Seth, advising that if he teaches them anything, it's not ever to get married. Seth says he's heard that one from Sandy before, and I could swear we have too, but I can't find it in any of the recaps. Sandy's all, "Oh, and you'll hear it again!" The boys survey the party, Seth concluding that there's "no sign of our opponents." They decide to leave just as Theresa appears bearing a tray. She asks, "You want some of this...uh...oh, actually I have no what this is." Seth jumps in: "Odds are mushroom leek crescent, crab and brie phyllo, usually is." As Ryan introduces Seth to Theresa, the camera pans up to show Summer and Marissa observing from the balcony. Summer proclaims Theresa to be hot, which she qualifies, "For Chino," on Marissa's displeased look. Still, Marissa aggrees that Theresa is not only hot, but also beautiful, nice, smart and funny; not to mention she's been friends with Ryan forever. She whiningly tells Summer that the two were in musicals together and went to "the winter dance." "Not the winter dance!" cries Summer. Except not so much, because why would "the winter dance" mean anything to her. Would it have been more acceptable to Marissa had they gone to the fall or summer or spring dance? Summer can't believe Ryan did musicals, and pouty Marissa explains that Theresa was Peppermint Patty and Ryan was Snoopy.
Lady Heather joins Kirsten, declaring her hatred of Valentine's Day. Kirsten joins in, wondering why they ever bother to celebrate anything. She asks about Caleb, and Lady Heather explains that he didn't show, so she's going to go home, have a warm bath, and either slit her wrists or drink an entire bottle of wine. Kirsten's all, "Wine. Definitely." Lady Heather adds that it's a good thing Caitlyn's at a sleepover, because she'll be blasting Bob Seger tonight. Kirsten's all, "We'll keep our windows closed." Hee. Lady Heather leaves, and the camera pans over to show Luke, rubbing his hands together and watching her go.
Ryan sits at a table, while Marissa blinks and wriggles around in the background of the shot. She bestows upon him her most hopeful smile; his expression is more a grimace than a smile in return. When Marissa asks if they can start over, Ryan looks momentarily hopeful that they can. She extends a hand to introduce herself; he looks at her hand, and his face falls as he says he knows what she's trying to do, but he can't. He leaves, and she slumps into a chair.
Seth, meanwhile, approaches Summer to talk. When she asks if he wants another shot, he cuts her off to say he gets it: clearly something isn't working, and he knows it's his fault. She asks what he's trying to say, and he suggests that in a few years he might be ready for her, but in the meantime he's just going to "bow out." Summer looks tearful as she watches Seth walk away.
At The Only Other Restaurant in Orange County, Jimmy and Hailey flirt by candlelight, drink wine, and eat cookies. She commends him on the place, and he enthuses over how his life feels like it's coming together for the first time in forever. We see that Hailey felt the need to change, earlier, to keep up with Jimmy's flannel. When he asks why she didn't leave, since she was in such a rush to get out of town, Hailey explains that she realized she had nowhere to go and no one to see. Jimmy goes all Stage Manager on her ass about how she should go, because it's easy to get stuck there and it feels like time isn't passing, but it is. He insists that she owes it to herself to leave and make a life for herself elsewhere. She flirtily asks why she needs to leave, since he's there. Jimmy exclaims that it's exactly why she needs to leave! They can't do this! Hailey asks why not, and Jimmy explains that he feels guilty enough lying to Kirsten about the cookies, never mind about Hailey. He wishes they could; she believes him.
Back at the party, Ryan stands outside with his hands in his pockets while Theresa emerges from the party wearing her jean jacket. Clearly, people in Newport wear jean jackets in a display of fashion irony, while people from Chino wear them in all seriousness. Theresa asks if he's okay, and then happily proffers a cigarette like it's the solution to world peace. Ryan explains that he quit, and she admires the "new Ryan Atwood" -- the clothes, the hair, the dating of the Homecoming queen. He doesn't react, and she asks, "Was dating?" When he admits that he doesn't know, she pats his head and says she likes the haircut. He looks bashful. Aw. Theresa asks if he ever thinks about "coming home," and he admits that he sometimes does -- more so lately. Does she ever think about leaving Chino? All the time, she says, but she doesn't know how. When Ryan prods her about this particular catering job, Theresa defensively says she needed the money, and then admits that she was hoping to run into him. She says that home is lonely these days, and he nods and lowers his head. Soulful glances ensue. When Theresa says she's free until cleanup, Ryan asks if she wants to get out of there.
Inside, Marissa sits at a table and snivels. A horrified-looking Sandy spots her; he approaches and asks if it's okay if he joins her. She looks uncertain as he zestfully proclaims, "Valentine's Day is wonderful, isn't it?" He starts in on "the thing about Ryan," and Marissa cuts him off to insist that it's not about Ryan, and she's fine. Sandy's all, "I know. But the thing about Ryan?" He goes on to say that whenever things have gotten tough, everyone in Ryan's life has abandoned him. Marissa whines that that's exactly what Ryan thinks she did! Sandy suggests that she surprise him and show him that she didn't and won't abandon him. She bleats that Ryan wants her to, though! Kirsten approaches in the background just as Sandy yelps, "It's crazy! Love is crazy! It's always challenging! It's never easy!" I think Sandy recently went to a wedding where they read from Corinthians. Which is just about every wedding, come to think of it. Marissa asks if it's always this hard, and Sandy says that it can be, but that it's ultimately worth it. Hearing this, Kirsten cocks her head sideways and smiles. Sandy asks why Marissa and Ryan should give up now, when they've already been through so much together already. Summer interrupts the conversation to ask if Marissa's ready to go. She greets Sandy awkwardly: "Hey, Mr. Cohen." Hee. I guess having sex with someone's son removes the first-name-basis privileges. Sandy manages to keep his cool -- no "you dog" comment -- and turns his attention back to Marissa. Sandy watches the girls go, and then notices Kirsten watching him. She walks over and perches on his lap, complaining that he sometimes makes it hard to hate him. He's all, "I know! It's all...it's, it's, it's all...part of my charm." Kirsten says sometimes he makes it easy, too, and he's all, "Charming too, no?"
Outside the club, Theresa pulls up in her yellow car, and Ryan hops in. How chivalrous of her. I can't think of a single scenario in which Theresa would play valet for Ryan, except explicitly to give Marissa the chance to witness their departure, which is precisely what happens. Her bangs are thick with sadness.
Pool house. Theresa and Ryan lie in bed together, reminiscing about a time when Ryan tried to jump a fence, but his pants got caught and he face-planted. He mockingly recollects his grace, as Theresa further recalls that they had no ice and had to use a frozen bag of peas. Aw. Ryan looks so completely at ease in this scene, groaning at the "miracle cure" that is frozen peas. Theresa thinks it's amazing that they ran into each other on Valentine's Day; when Ryan doesn't answer, Theresa says she has to go back. She asks if he goes to lots of these events; when he says he does every week, she suggests that she might run into him again. Plus she knows where he lives.
Cut to a shot of Luke's hopeful face, and a door swinging open to reveal a wine-drinking Lady Heather and the faint tune of "Night Moves" in the background. Lady Heather groans that Luke shouldn't be there, and he agrees. Her red satin robe sets off her flippy red hair quite nicely. When Luke explains that she looked so sad when she left and he couldn't bear the thought of her alone on Valentine's Day, Lady Heather is clearly halfway to wooed. She's also halfway to shit-faced, so Luke's odds are looking pretty good right now. Lady Heather jokes that most people would enjoy the thought of her being alone, but Luke's all serious: "Not me." He tells her she's an "amazing girl...er... woman...er....lady." Hee. As Luke insists that Caleb doesn't appreciate her because he's too old to see what he's lucky enough to have, Lady Heather is wide-eyed and listening; Luke goes on about how she's always been the coolest mom, and let them listen to their music in the car pool and watch R-rated movies. He then bashfully starts talking about a game called "Ultimatum," which he explains to her as, "You know? Who of your friends' moms would you rather do?" Lady Heather's voice is rich with amusement as she asks, "That's a game?" When Luke says she always won, Lady Heather's all, "Really? I beat Kirsten?" But it's not so flattering in retrospect, since the name "Ultimatum" implies that none of the choices is exactly desirable. And besides, I don't exactly see Luke and Seth -- even after they became friends -- sitting down to play this game together, so Kirsten wouldn't have ever been an option. In any case, Luke continues that he just thought Lady Heather should know the truth on Valentine's Day. That said, he wishes her goodnight and turns to leave, but she grabs his arm, telling him to wait. They both look at her hand on his arm. She pauses, thinks it over, and chugs her wine as Bob Seger warbles on about being young and restless and bored. Lady Heather thanks Luke, and then steps toward him and kisses him. He doesn't return the kiss at first -- clearly he didn't see this as the likely end result, even if he'd hoped it would be -- and he finally kisses her back. They kiss. Awkward teenage blues. Finally, Lady Heather pulls away and asks if Luke wants to come in. She admits him, and then looks around suspiciously to see if anyone is watching before closing the door. The time to do that would have been before she made out with him on the front porch, though.
Across the street, the Cohens enter The Big House, and Kirsten suggests that Sandy must be happy the day is over as he trails up the steps behind her, a devilish look on his face. She enters the bedroom, and we see that the room is decorated with rose petals, a giant heart-shaped chocolate box, and lit candles. Since one burned-down house was obviously insufficient. She thanks Sandy, and he plays it off by saying that someone has to keep Hershey's and Hallmark in business. Kirsten jumps on the bed and frolics in the chocolate, while Sandy shoots her with an arrow. He asks if she'll be his Valentine, and she says she will, as soon as she has one of her favorite caramel chocolates. He points her toward the square ones and happily adds, "I like the ones with nuts!"
Elsewhere in The Big House, Seth reclines on the bed and tells Captain Oats, "Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle's your type. Yeah, I blew it for us both. What's that? Yeah, are you kidding? Great hooves!" Hee. Summer bursts into the room, and has some trouble deciding whether to sit or stand before working up the courage to tell Seth that the other night when they had sex, he wasn't the only virgin in the room. Seth looks around in alarm and whispers, "There was someone else in the room? Like, like filming us?" Summer's all, "Me, jackass!" Hee. She says she's a virgin, or she was a virgin, which echoes my husband's favorite Short Circuit line. I know it's weird. Anyway, Summer sits to Seth as he asks why she didn't tell him. She says she doesn't know, and then reveals that she thought she had a reputation to uphold, and was worried that he'd think less of her. He asks if she's kidding; he wouldn't have thought less of her! He's just shocked! He adds, "God, never in a million years did I think that you of all people...." She makes a sad, frustrated face, and he catches himself to correct that it's not what's important. Instead, he announces that it was a huge moment in both their lives, and they just blew right past it. She adds, "Really, really quickly," and he's all, "Hey! Not that quickly," and then thinks it over and agrees, "Pretty quickly, yes." He repeats that it was a big deal, and she softly says it should have been special, and they rushed it. He considers, and then sweetly suggests that they slow it down a bit and start from the beginning. She asks what he means, and he walks to his record player; the tinkly music of Ryan Adams's "Wonderwall" cover starts in. Seth stands with his hands in his pockets, and then gestures toward Summer. She laughs that he's "so cheesy, Cohen," but he tells her to come on, because he's about to sweep her off her feet. As he puts his arms around her and they begin to dance in place, Summer says the sad part is that he is kind of is. Aw.
Marissa stomps through the courtyard of The Big House; she pauses outside the pool-house door, and then bursts in, yelling about where Theresa is! She wants her to know that she's not going to lose Ryan or give up on him! Ryan quietly explains that Theresa left, and Marissa rushes toward him; she clutches his wife-beater-clad shoulders, and he rubs her arms. She goes in for the kiss, but he's not having it. As she pleads with him to just forgive her, he asks how? He doesn't know if they should be together, because it was so easy for someone to come into their lives and get between them! How does he know it won't happen again? "Wonderwall" is still playing, and it's distractingly discordant, but it works so well here as Marissa insists that Ryan just has to trust her. He's all, "Like you trusted me?" She pleads with him, and then finally sees that it's futile. She concludes, "So, that's it." He insists that he can't pretend it didn't happen, and she runs out of the room. He follows her to the doorway, watching her go, and then closes the door. The light from The Big House reflects off the pool and casts shimmery light onto the closed doors.
time on The O.C., Summer flirts with other guys while Anna mocks her behavior. Caleb needs Sandy's help; Lady Heather tells Luke they can't do it in the Harbor School hallway; Marissa goes to Theresa's house, and Theresa goes to Ryan's house. Also, Sandy says, "Dios mio."