In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
When a paralegal brings sexual harassment charges against pretty much the entire cast of the show, Viola Walsh is able to vent her spleen about Diane's impending Judgeship. The case of the week is funny and weird -- Cary's jerkoff gesture becomes an imposing sexual assault, Howard Lyman is disgusting in amazing new ways -- but eventually Elsbeth Tascioni (!) is able to take the whole case apart, when we learn that the only person who's actually had inappropriate contact with her was Kalinda, and it wasn't actually "inappropriate" so much as it was Sex Christmas, because it's Kalinda so of course that's how that case would end.
But it occasions a sweetly cheeky conversation about Will and Alicia's sexual history, which increases our feeling of foreboding just as much as it soothes Alicia's wracked nerves, because you know any time Will is allowed to be happy something horrible is about to happen. And it does: By episode's end, Diane is forced to tell him exactly what is about to happen with Florrick/Agos, breaking his heart and leaving him with absolutely nobody he can count on.
How did she get there, when nobody else has despite David Lee's Cassandra-like wailing about it all season? Well, she starts the day celebrating her freedom with Kurt McVeigh at an outdoor shooting range and they are perfect together, obviously; some of her uber-liberal friends surprise them at lunch and are immediately horrified by his Palin-worshipping, gun-nut ways, causing a well-meaning intervention later in the day. While she blows them off, of course, one piece of advice sticks with her: That romance is all well and good, but you never know the truth about love until it's tested outside the eponymous bubble.
She demands a night out with his friends, to broaden their circle, and while she's expecting honky-tonk good ol' boys she's shocked to find herself in the company of Kurt's usual bevy of sexy, conservative co-eds. While she momentarily wavers about their quick-turnaround wedding, in the end she does show up -- looking like a fashion spread, of course, and handed two perfect lilies -- and they are married at the courthouse. And all through these proceedings, she has to keep showing up at her former firm in order to testify (fiercely, awesomely) in this bullshitty harassment suit.
After a client -- played by Kima from The Wire -- tips her hand, Diane has to actually process the part about Alicia being part of the mutiny, and when Will gives her several of her shorter-term clients as a good-faith gesture, she gets proof of the entire plot, as well as Alicia's part in it.
(Meanwhile, Jackie and Eli are back on each other's nerves, which ends up creating problems that solve themselves when a labor dispute over Peter's nominal support for Scott Walker's bullshit means Jackie has to use her wiles on Dan Lauria.)
After putting together all the clues -- including some shenanigans by one of the fourth-years, intent on sabotaging the firm on his sleazy way out -- Diane catches Alicia in the act of stealing files, and reports the whole ugly mess to Will Gardner. Which is devastating, obviously -- and what a crazy way to end the episode! I love this season so, so much.
Week: Josh Charles will make you cry within the first two minutes. Trust me. Do not miss it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
The fourth-years are on their way out, with about a week to go before they start their new firm. A drastic misstep in Diane's campaign to lock down her State Supreme Court judgeship led to a hostile exit and some surprisingly desperate moves from her former partner will. Also, way back in Season One, Kima from The Wire played a lady whose babysitter got murdered and Cary, who was on shrooms at the time, helped Diane and Kalinda sort it out.
CHRISSY THE PARALEGAL
Walks through the office, weathering the slings and arrows of the characteristically aggressive David Lee, the technologically helpless (and always horrible) Howard Lyman, the curt but fair-minded leadership of Will Gardner, and the typically dismissive thanks of Cary Agos, who takes the coffees out of her hands and shuts the door in her face in one elegant move. By the time she gets to Alicia, in her trip down the hall, she'd be grateful for a little advice, but Alicia is on her way to the secret Florrick/Agos meeting she just left, and has no time for anything but a generally tender and vague expression of concern.
Chrissy: "What's wrong? I guess nothing, I'm just... It's hard!"
Alicia: "I know, but it's good experience, and when you pass the Bar you'll have so many connections... Anyway, I'll be free later if you need more Alicia Time."
Chrissy: "Nope, I figured it out."
Alicia: "Figured what out?"
Chrissy: "Don't worry about it."
Alicia: "Okay, that was my plan anyway."
FLORRICK/AGOS
Rando: "We can't get the files we need!"
Alicia: "You should button that lip anyways. Why are we talking here?"
Cary: "Just pretend we're discussing the Zimbalist deposition."
Rando: "There's some kind of firewall or something blocking us."
Carey: "David Lee, clearly. He always knows what's going on and he is only ever evil."
Alicia: "Look, when we leave they're coming with us, right? So then the files will belong to us, as their lawyers."
Carey: "Think like a jerk, Alicia. L/G will delay that forever and make us look stupid."
Somebody describes it as "stealing clients"; nobody is less interested in that wording than Alicia herself, but they all jump on him like he said Beetlejuice. As if the words matter: Either way, they're going to make enemies of the whole firm.
Carey: "I mean, a partner could get around the firewall..."
Alicia: "Everything you say is always some creepy thing that makes me feel weird about what you're doing! Stop it! I am not stealing files for you."
Rando: "Just the new ones. Diane's cases."
David Lee: "What are you boners doing in here?"
Alicia: "Uh, discussing the Zimbalist depo."
David Lee: "Where's that dumb girl from the beginning of the episode?"
Alicia: "How should I know? Helping Will clear out Diane's office, maybe."
David Lee: "Later, tools. Good luck with your so-called deposition."
VIOLA WALSH
Will: "Gross. Viola, why are you here?"
Viola: "I am here to start a bunch of shit because I'm jealous of Diane's nomination. Did you know we were frenemies in law school?"
Will: "Diane doesn't work here anymore."
She's here to fuck with them anyway, though, because she's still raw they stole a client from her they were only supposed to babysit, which I think is ChumHum but might also be Dylan Stack? I can never keep all that straight. Anyway she's LA and very vengeful and she is here to represent none other than Chrissy the Paralegal, who is suing David Lee -- and Diane, and Cary, and Alicia, and the firm -- for creating a hostile work environment.
David Lee: "That bitch. I'll hostile her environment..."
Will: "Stay frosty. You're making threats in front of her lawyer?"
Viola: "Oh, the shit she's saying is way worse than that, and it involves Diane's rep too."
Will: "So L/G's really just collateral damage of you being a hater?"
Viola: "This is a suit between a firm and a paralegal, and we're all just slaves to the facts."
Will: "Oh right, I forgot how you can't help lying with every word you say."
GUN RANGE
Diane gets pretty close to center on her third shot, and they talk about how sexy it is to be at a gun range with your affianced, and when Will calls she remembers, reveling in it, that she doesn't have to answer. They make out. It is great. Kurt McVeigh is great. But it's also a little silly, because you know Will isn't calling to chat. It's not like he found some new way to make her feel bad -- making her feel bad was never part of the plan anyway. So if he's calling, it's at no small personal cost. And I wonder if that's part of her thought process too: Not just the "I don't have to answer a work call today!" sort of Marlo Thomas thing, this young romance vibe they've got, but also a more hardcore (and very understandable) thing of, "Well, you're the bitches that thought you could do it without me, so you just go right on ahead."
ALICIA'S OFFICE
Has not been redecorated in months! All that stipend money they talked about last season, just sitting in an account, not getting used on art. Hmm.
Eli: "We need to talk about the inauguration!"
Alicia: "No, girl. You need to talk about the inauguration."
Carey flashes six fingers at her, over Eli's shoulder, and she nods.
Eli: "What was that. Six days 'til you leave? Man, I'm gonna miss this office. This old, unreplaced art and everything. Do you really have to go?"
Alicia: "What do you want, Eli. What can I do for you."
Eli: "You told Nora you want the Inaugural Ball moved to the Governor's Mansion, but traditionally it's held at Exposition Hall, and I'm getting some trouble from the unions..."
Alicia: "You... How can you possibly think I would have any goddamn opinion about that? You came all the way to my office to ask me about a thing I would never, ever do?"
Eli: "Nora doesn't make mistakes. She said Mrs. Florrick insisted... Oh."
Alicia: "There it is."
Eli: "Oh God. I don't want to deal with her today."
Alicia: "Good luck, honey."
She pats his back on the way out, which is always so gratifying when they do that stuff with each other -- remember after the election, when they woke up and sweetly watched torture porn together? -- and he swallows his gorge and calls Nora back, and of course Jackie Florrick is standing right there, excited to start whatever stiff-upper-lip shit with him.
LUNCH
Kurt and Diane, as befits a meal after the shooting range, are eating steak and potatoes when they run into Francesca and Lyle Strawman, old liberal friends of Diane's that went to school with her and Viola and are now happily married, thanks to Diane's meddling. They are into NPR, vacationing in Lyon, and being just miserable to be around.
Strawmans: "You guys smell like you were camping."
McVeigh: "It's gunpowder. That's not a joke. We were shooting guns for fun."
Diane: "I am doing this new thing where I blow people's minds. Is it working?"
Strawmans: "Did you know Viola's in town?"
Diane: "No and I don't care. What's this? Oh, a work call. Very important. Please annoy the shit out of my fiancé, Kurt McVeigh."
Strawmans: "Done. You know what your last name reminds me of?"
Diane: "Okay, conference room full of my betraying former partners, what do you want?"
Will: "Viola's suing us via a paralegal."
Diane: "Cool, have fun with that."
Will: "The thing is that she says you sexually harassed her?"
Diane: "Cool, have... Wait, what? Wait. What?"
Lyman: "Didn't hold Justice Clarence Thomas back, kiddo. I wouldn't worry."
Meanwhile, the Strawmans are yelling about Sandy Hook, and it's so dumb because first of all, who are these people that would do this at random lunch to a stranger, much less to their closest friend's fiancé, and also just shut up with your emotional argument that little dead kids are somehow a legal fact on par with the commonly accepted misreading of the Second Amendment. Shut it down, Strawmans. I appreciate the idea of making liberal elites look as stupid as Benghazi Republicans in theory, but the problem with that kind of false equivalency is: They simply aren't. Which is the entire problem in a nutshell. And frankly, if Kurt McVeigh weren't so wonderful, he'd be a total cartoon too.
David Lee: "Fuck all of you. She slimes us, we slime her. Get Kalinda on this."
Diane: "Hang on, who are we even talking about? What is this?"
Alicia: "Um, Chrissy Quinn. She said you asked her to prostitute herself to a client..."
Diane: "Bonkers."
Alicia: "I know. And that Cary showed her his masturbation strategy..."
Diane: "Awesome."
Alicia: "I know. And that Lyman tried to rape her."
Lyman: "I'm so sure. I don't even know who she is, how'm I supposed to know if I tried to rape her or not?"
Alicia: "And I went after her personal life in some prurient way. It's just stupid, Diane."
Will: "This is all Viola Walsh, just being jelly, but you know how she is. This isn't going away."
Diane: "Okay, this is actually my responsibility. What do you need me to do?"
Alicia: "Say we settle for $2M. The insurance will cover two-fifths of that, but the blowback with the clients that you are totally going to want to hold onto..."
Will & David Lee: "Fuck that. Nobody sex-anythinged this lady. Plus Viola Walsh is the worst."
ELSBETH TASCIONI
Has an office like a person would have, mostly, which is new. She's replaced her giant toadstool and the cabbage patch with chairs, but still no desk: Some kind of ornate treadmill with almost as much desk space as any standing situation, and she's just walking a steady pace, looking down on them from a great height, as they consult. She has one of those fitness robot bracelets that is always watching, always judging.
Will: "So Elsbeth, you are the best."
David Lee: "Not that we're automatically hiring you for this..."
Everybody: "Uh, yeah you are. One does not simply 'consider' Elsbeth Tascioni. You just thank the Gods that her home dimension revolved into ours long enough for her to be our friend this week."
Elsbeth: "Okay, how long has this girl been working there?"
L/G: "Like two years. Why?"
Elsbeth: "I don't know. I just keep asking questions until they make sense."
David Lee: "Christ on a cracker."
Elsbeth: "Who's representing her?"
L/G: "Viola Walsh. LA harpy, opening offices here to bother us more often..."
Elsbeth: "How tall is she? It is for a magic spell maybe."
Alicia: "I dunno, like five seven?"
Elsbeth: "Uh huh. Interesting. Think this is because your firm is falling apart, maybe?"
L/G: "Grumble grumble yes."
Elsbeth: "Then let's call this tall chick's bluff. Slime her before she can slime you."
David Lee: "...Oh okay, now I get it."
Alicia & Will: "There it is. Now officially nobody doesn't love her. Diane would be so jealous if she knew we were hanging out with Elsbeth."
GOV OFC
Jackie has decided that, rather than the state seal that has always hung over the foyer reception desk, the first thing everybody should see is a giant portrait of her handsome son. This is both because she is a fascist, and a grandma. Eli tries to explain the two ways at least in which that's offensive, replacing the seal with his face, but she's not having it, because what are you, new? Jackie doesn't have time for sense.
Eli: "Jackie, I can't do the whole back-and-forth with you, I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the respect. You seem confused by the fact that you have worn out all your credit with me. You wasted it on stupid, petty shit, and now I just think you're stupid."
Jackie: "I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it."
Eli: "Your son is the Governor. Your nickel and dime bullshit could actually affect the state of Illinois. I can't afford, as a political operative, to indulge your bullshit."
Jackie: "I will tattle!"
Eli: "You go right the fuck ahead. But when you want something, you come to me. You don't put it on Alicia, you don't mess around with good old Nora and you don't consult with your hallucinations. You come to me."
Jackie: "You know I'm going to find a way to wreck your life for this, right?"
Eli: "What I know is that I will have Peter call you. In exactly twenty minutes. And the call will last exactly four. And I know that not because I am clairvoyant but because I am in charge now, and I have decided it on a whim, and for no other reason. Let me show you out."
KALINDA
Elsbeth: "Chrissy Quinn, that paralegal."
Kalinda: "Yeah?"
Elsbeth: "Find her work history and sex stuff and where do you get your hair done?"
Kalinda: "I'm Kalinda. I get it cut at a secret salon for spies that has a password."
Elsbeth: "I make do with various kinds of flopping, but I wish it was like yours. Anyway, did you know her? What did you think of her?"
Kalinda: "She's young. Follows your lead. I don't think her accusations are true, exactly, but I think some situations are open to interpretation."
Elsbeth: "Things like sexual harassment? Meaning specifically abuse of power dynamics to create a coercive or abusive work environment?"
Kalinda: "No. Those things are not negotiable, and not true."
Elsbeth: "I have to go for a walk! My bracelet says so."
Kalinda: "What a darling person."
LOCKHART APT!
Strawmans: "Look at this picture of us all that Viola took!"
Diane: "Oh my God, just spit it out."
Strawmans: "We are here to do an intervention. Did you know he likes Sarah Palin?"
Diane: "That part, I think, is a joke. Although he won't admit it."
Strawmans: "Did you know he supports secession or something about guns?"
Diane: "Yeah, we've been through that too. It's part of why we're getting married."
Strawmans: "It's just that we can't manage to have grace or class about this! Because we live in a political bubble that caters only to ourselves."
Diane: "I hate a false equivalency as much as you guys, but the truth is our identities are not as simple as the labels we choose. Your politics are a small part of who you are."
Strawmans: "Your politics are everything!"
Diane: "Only if you're broken. The rest of us are adults, who are capable of relating in varied ways. Who don't define the world, or our capacity to love, purely by our own sense of superiority, or of victimhood. Outrage is the privilege of the peanut gallery, but I've been a participant for a while now. It changes things."
Strawmans: "We love you!"
Diane: "I love you too. Please don't feel entitled to ever pull this shit on me again, okay? It's really tone deaf and it makes me love you less. You come off like college freshmen."
"The best advice you ever gave me, Diane, when I met Lyle was, make sure your love can survive outside the bubble. I give it back to you."
Diane: "Okay that's valid. I do tend to spend time with alone, because we don't get a lot of it and because we hate all of each other's friends. So you've found a chink in the armor but it's not the chink you wanted and in fact you're going to make us stronger, so don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
CHRISSY DEPOS
Elsbeth: "How long have you worked at L/G?"
Viola: "LOL, can we at least say hello first?"
Elsbeth: "Hello, asshole. Chrissy, how long have you worked at L/G?"
Chrissy: "Like two years? As a paralegal I type, research, make copies, etc."
Elsbeth: "Cool and how did you lose your virginity?"
Viola: "Excuse me?"
Elsbeth: "Discovery. She alleges that Alicia asked her that, and I want to set the scene."
Chrissy: "I didn't answer."
Elsbeth: "Were you alone?"
Alicia: "...No, there were like ten people in the room. This little jerk over here, Chrissy, and then me and Cary and like six associates, and the client. The case was about a chick selling her virginity over the internet, and Classy Chrissy was giggling to herself, and I asked if she had anything add."
Elsbeth: "Those were your exact words?"
Alicia: "Yeah. That's the extent of it. Isn't this stupid? Viola and Chrissy, you're stupid."
Viola: "Okay Chrissy and then what happened?"
Chrissy: "Cary Agos asked me to stay late on a case, and the SA wanted to plead out, and..."
Cary: "And so I performed a fairly common gesture indicating that it was a pointless exercise."
Elsbeth: "Oh so you weren't... You didn't introduce it with any fanfare or anything, like, This is how I masturbate sometimes, nothing like that?"
Cary: "No, obviously not. Because she is still alive and no human could live through that."
Elsbeth: "Do you have any attack that isn't sexual?"
Viola: "No, this chick apparently has some weird ideas about some things. This one is pretty good, though."
They produce an email from Lyman that reads, "Chrissy, I need to discuss something with you. Please come to my office at 1 PM, enter quietly, and sit down at my desk."
Viola: "Even though you had no cases with him. And then what happened?"
Chrissy: "He took off his pants! I saw it!"
Nobody Whatsoever: "That sounds unlikely."
Elsbeth: "We have a problem. Howard Lyman."
Will: "Say no more, and FML."
EXPOSITION HALL
Dan Lauria -- Food Service Union Chief Ronald Erickson -- is keeping the protest going even though Eli moved the Ball back to this place, because Peter showed support for his new and nearby colleague, Wisconsin's labor-busting, gerrymandering, vote-suppressing Governor Scott Walker (R). Eli calls this welching, which it is, and complains to himself that he even got Jackie Florrick to back off... And then Ronald's all ears, because guess whose wiles once entranced him long ago? Good ol' Jackie O.
LYMAN
Is fully pants-free, asleep on his couch, when they go to ask him if he ever takes off his pants in the office.
Elsbeth: "Oh my God."
Kalinda: "I hate you, Howard Lyman."
Elsbeth: "I saw it! Why don't you have underwear on?"
Lyman: "That part I'm not sure."
Elsbeth: "Is this how it happened with Chrissy?"
Lyman: "I didn't like, restrain her! The bitch started screaming, I was scared, I offered her some water. I'm just an old man, I never know what's going on."
C+C BULLSHIT FACTORY
Rando: "Yeah, Cary and Carey just got called into a partner meeting, so maybe today is the day we all get it in the teeth. But either way, go get those files. Download them, violate everything you hold dear. It'll be great."
Diane: "Hey, Alicia."
Alicia: "How's it going, girlfriend?"
Diane: "If I had never started this firm, I am finding out this week, life might have been pretty awesome."
Alicia: "I wish you had told me that several weeks ago."
It turns out that Lyman was not the entrapper, but the bait: Cary and Carey have more than once sent that "come in alone and sit down" email to plenty of paralegals -- male and female -- because what the fuck else is Howard Lyman good for except to be the gross punchline at the end of a fratty hazing joke? Frankly, I'm on their side. "If you're going to work here, you should know exactly how much respect the elder equity partners deserve, and how little they respect you or this office in turn." Although the fact that it was paralegals makes it a little nastier than necessary, I suppose.
GARDNER AND LOCKHART
Diane: "So we still haven't wrapped my exit package..."
Will: "Oh, we negotiated it. We're done with that part. Now you need to accept."
Diane: "Okay, just give me my gun control case, and let me finish out the Sonya "Kima" Rucker contract, and we're good."
Will: "And you'll advise your clients to stay on in good faith? You'll keep them in-house?"
Diane: "Yep. And oh, indemnify me against this case. I don't want my name on this."
Will: "Yeah, why would you. Good luck with, uh, life."
She mutters to herself as she's walking out, "Not with a bang..." But she's wrong. It's a bang so slow you won't hear it coming until the final clap, and then it will move too fast for anyone.
FIREWALL! TREASON!
Diane: "Hey, Alicia? I couldn't help noticing that you were fucking around in my Sonya Rucker contract when I was trying to download it. Why would that be?"
Alicia: "Shit. Uh... I don't know what computers are!"
Diane: "I want you to know that Will just confirmed it's still mine. Okay?"
Alicia: "What's a firewall? Is it dangerous?"
Diane: "Right. Nice to see you, Florrick."
She heads out to tell Kurt she's got a couple hours to get her last things in order, and decides that she wants to meet his best and closest friends.
Kurt: "But that already went so horribly, at lunch."
Diane: "Yeah, but I really want to push it. If I'm giving up this partnership and the only other things that make me happy, I want to know we can survive outside our comfort zone."
Kurt: "As long as you understand that I don't even remember the names of those jagoffs you ran into yesterday. I mean, they didn't register. I think I'll be good."
Diane: "Yeah, I'm sure you will be. Just do it."
CHRISSY
Elsbeth: "You worked at Hoffman/Ross, right? And did you ever... Make these kind of accusations over there?"
Viola: "Is this a fishing expedition?"
Elsbeth: "Basically, but this is a deposition so that's fine. Did you, Chrissy?"
Kalinda: "Hint, yes. Which we know because you texted them from your L/G work phone."
Viola: "But that's blah blah blah!"
Elsbeth: "No, much like every other time this has come up -- which is a lot, stretching back even to last season, when Veronica fell in with those coders -- it's fine."
Chrissy: "I never filed a formal complaint or lodged a..."
Elsbeth: "You accused him of taking off his clothes and trying to seduce you. I mean -- excuse me, Viola, I'm asking a question, please stop screaming -- don't you think it's odd that all of your bosses keep taking their pants off at you?"
UPDATE
Elsbeth: "Almost everything is fixed with Viola's stuff. There's just two things left. Diane prostituting her out..."
Diane: "Literally I have no idea."
Elsbeth: "...And Will sleeping with 'underlings' in his office."
Alicia: "Oh boy."
David Lee: "Funny that the only truly hostile person in this environment is no longer named in the suit about a hostile environment."
Elsbeth: "Less funny is problem number three. A video unrelated to the Cary pranks in which Howard Lyman accidentally filmed himself pulling the pantsless trick on a paralegal."
Lyman: "Hey, why don't you come over here and sit on Daddy's lap, honey?"
Diane: "...Yeah, I don't really miss that aspect of this life."
David Lee: "Does this mean we can finally get rid of Howard Lyman?"
Literally everyone in my living room clapped for that one. Ugh.
Later, Diane points out to Will that -- for who knows what reason -- she was looking at the partners' decorating stipends and noticed that Alicia completely lost interest in her office decorations about a month ago. I don't know why this is a big deal or why Diane would even notice it, but the point is, she's putting it together -- and her Spideys are going off enough that she thinks to mention it to Will before leaving the office. Hmm.
ELI GOLD & JACKIE O
Jackie's at one of those old-people classes where you hold a ball and bend your knees when Eli finally finds her. Groveling, as she snottily laces her stupid old bitch shoes up, he finally admits that he needs her help with somebody. She makes him work for it, for an exceedingly long time, in the hilarious middle of this slow-moving turtle people fitness class, and finally he gives her: Control of the Inauguration, the Ball, and Peter's offices. All of which she gets before even asking what the favor is. And when he mentions the name of the Union Chief in question, she laughs in a lovely way that almost makes you forget she's, you know, a monster.
CHRISSY
"I like Diane a lot," Chrissy says. "I wanted to be like her." But things don't always turn out that way. Mentors are a goal, rarely a result.
Viola: "So that's why you went to her, when this client..."
Chrissy: "I knew Mr. Gainsborough was one of her top clients, but..."
Viola: "Tell us what the bad man did to you."
Chrissy: "He told me I looked hot, and he asked me my bra size. He kept looking at me."
Viola: "And what did Diane say?"
Chrissy: "Not to worry about it. To take it as a compliment. That's when I lost my respect for her."
Diane: "And yet that never happened. She never said she was uncomfortable with it."
Viola: "But she told you about it. And you said to let it go, take it as a compliment?"
Diane: "Uh, yeah. Do you know who we're talking about? From a gay fashion designer, what else are you gonna do?"
Viola: "Oh boy."
Viola: "Wait, but did Chrissy know Mr. Gainsborough was gay?"
Diane: "I don't see the relevance. It was what it was. It wasn't prostitution."
Viola: "I mean should she just... Are we expecting our paralegals to stereotype fashion designers, or... Like anybody that might not fit a certain..."
Elsbeth: "Oh honey, just call it a day. Stop digging the hole."
VIOLA WALSH
But she doesn't! She loves it, and she comes for them again!
L/G: "Are we seriously not done with this?"
Viola: "No! I want one million dollars!"
L/G: "Oh my God, what?"
Viola: "Because of the Will office-sex thing."
Elsbeth: "Okay, I've got an affidavit signed by Will and Tammy Linnata -- there goes my Bangle, let's wrap it up -- that she never worked here anyways."
Viola: "Are you saying this is the only time you've ever had sex in your office?"
Alicia: "Oh boy."
Will: "...Actually? Yeah."
GARDNER
Alicia: "Will! You lied!"
Will: "Did I?"
Alicia: "Did we not have sex in this office?"
Will: "Did we?"
Alicia: "No matter how you Clinton the definition, that was still the hottest thing that ever happened on this show. It counts."
Will: "I'm not redefining sex. That was totally sex. But I do wonder about the definition of 'office,' considering it was over there in my bathroom."
Alicia: "That's true... Okay, awesome. No conflict."
Will: "Yep. None at all. Everything is the opposite of weird."
Alicia: "I mean..."
Will: "It was two years ago. But yeah, it'll be on my mind for the rest of the day."
Alicia: "Only that long?"
Prepare for impact, you two. It's nice that the last good thing that'll ever happen here is them being cute, and relatively baggage-free, about the Good Timing. It is also deeply horrible, but not quite yet.
LYMAN
Elsbeth: "Guess who's not going away? Viola, who somehow ended up with that gross video of Lyman fully going after that other chick."
Lyman: "I'm so persecuted! In my day you could ride the paralegals around like show ponies and everybody just knew it was a good time! Except the paralegals, of course."
Will: "Is it possible there has been a leak this whole time? Specifically somebody who's worked here as an associate for four years?"
Alicia: "Anything's possible, I guess. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to once again treat my future partners as though they are fucking kindergartners."
OYSTER BAR
For some reason, Diane is surprised that Kurt's friends are all hot Ballistics undergrads, despite hitting that shoal on more than one occasion before. They all look like beer commercial models, they dote on him like the righteous old hottie that he is, and Diane is more flabbergasted by the situation than when she was randomly accused of sexual harassment the other day.
Afterwards she's like, "Was that a mean trick or do you actually not have real friends?" Eventually he gets her to ask the question, and then pulls over so she'll hear him when he says that no, in fact, he has not slept with anybody in this batch, and she needs to calm down with that stuff. But she's rattled enough that she is back to wondering what they're even doing together: Why are they getting married, if this is what's outside that bubble? A bunch of weirdness, and her, suddenly acting super basic about it?
That's not the life, and this is not the kind of woman she imagines herself to be; it's the kind of woman she's always disliked most, because it means betrayal: If you find yourself becoming afraid of women, then only men will ever win.
JACKIE O
Jackie's got Ronnie on his back for a tummy rub within three seconds, reminiscing and being an odd pair indeed; she asks if his wife would mind them going for a drink, and they both know she's already won. It is marvelous on every level; it would be so nice to like her, but that can never happen until she leaves Eli alone. Even fighting Alicia, she's kind of awesome, but the Eli stuff is so, so unattractive. Maybe they'll team up against Marilyn, once Peter notices he wants to fuck her: That would make all four of them pretty fantastic, for a minute.
CARY
Kalinda: "You've got a problem."
Cary: "I have 99 problems, Kalinda."
Kalinda: "This minute, you have one. One of your rebels is breaking the code, handing off firm secrets. To Viola Walsh, who is all of our sworn enemy. I don't even care and I care."
Cary: "Give me an hour to fix it, before you tell Will?"
Kalinda: "You have thirty minutes."
F/A: "What the fuck, Rando?"
Rando: "My name is Tony, and I was being awesome."
Alicia: "You were being a fucknuts. You don't sabotage your own firm!"
Rando: "Lockhart/Gardner isn't my firm, Florrick/Agos is."
Carey: "Even I, the angel of bad ideas, think you are an idiot right now."
Cary: "Look where you're standing! This was idiotic. And they are going to fire you, in about ten minutes. So here's what you do. You take it, get fired, keep your head down."
Rando: "But my bonus!"
Alicia: "Oh my fucking God. You don't get the bonus. You forfeited the bonus when you cheated your own firm for no real reason except that you are a dingus. What, you think they're gonna pop that into your severance package? You are getting whiny about a thing that would never happen anyway, which makes you look like a total asshole."
Rando: "I don't see it that way, because I am the worst! You guys have to share your bonuses with me when we leave!"
Alicia: "Or WHAT."
Rando: "You know or what."
Alicia: "I hate you so much, dude. You just made Carey Zepps the third-coolest person in this storyline, and I woke up wanting to choke that little shit. You are never going to be forgiven for this. Of all us mini-mes, you just became the Derrick Bond."
FERN BAR
Sonya Rucker: "[Technologies.]"
Diane: "So you're good with L/G? I'm supposed to talk them up."
Sonya: "...Sure?"
Diane: "I mean, I heard you're leaving for a new firm, maybe."
Sonya: "I get calls all the time..."
Diane: "Sonya, level with me in this fern bar. They already told me they approached you, the youngsters. It's okay."
Sonya: "Whew! I thought it would be weird!"
Diane: "No, Alicia's already been in your files, familiarizing herself with..."
Sonya: "She's great, isn't she? I mean, a firm with the Governor's wife on the letterhead is hard to pass up."
Diane: "...Okay, now I'm making it weird. I gotta go."
GOV OFC
True to her word, and her nasty petty little mindset, Eli returns to see Jackie replacing the state seal with Peter's portrait.
Jackie: "Any suggestions on where to cram it? I dare you."
Eli: "No, ma'am. No ideas at the moment."
Jackie: "How about right in your office? We'll wedge it in there real good."
COOK CTY CLERK'S OFC
Kurt McVeigh, that last post-oyster conversation still ringing in his ears, paces the hall in a nice suit, carrying a single immaculate lily. Everywhere he looks, people are celebrating, kissing, starting new lives together. He's all alone, twitchy as hell.
Just-Married Dude: "I got a sister you can marry...?"
Kurt: "Let's see how this goes? But thanks."
She enters in her giant glamour shades, bathed in light, even more beautiful than usual; he's so relieved he nearly weeps. And then they are married. The new life begins.
VIOLA WALSH
Elsbeth: "Pay the legal fees and we'll drop the whole thing."
Viola: "Uh, I thought I was winning? That rando video of Lyman being an old raper?"
Elsbeth: "Yeah, come here for a second, it's great."
Elsbeth: "So like, Chrissy accused literally every lead character at this firm of something... Except you. Isn't that weird?"
Kalinda: "Not that weird, no. I'm Kalinda?"
Elsbeth: "But Chrissy liked you more than the other ones?"
Kalinda: "Less a difference of degree than kind. Also location. I fucked that chick in every room on this floor."
Elsbeth: "Wait, don't you ladies work in this office?"
Kalinda: "In between the hot girl-and-girl action yeah, we get a little work done."
Elsbeth: "But I thought she was horrified by sex at work! Isn't that what this was..."
Viola: "All right, fine. I picked the wrong pony. Fine. God. But I still hate Diane for no good reason, and that's still gonna burn you time."
DIANE
So that's two triumphs. The firm is going to be okay, without Diane, and Diane's going to be okay without the firm. But she does have one more responsibility.
She makes her way through the halls of the house she built -- "until it wasn't fun anymore, you said" -- and that still bears her name, and she thinks about her luck, and her options. Everywhere they're chatting (Viola flings some last-minute 'tude on her way out, a drive-by), but nobody stops her. She stands in her office, looking at every decision she ever made, when this was her world...
Alicia enters, missing her in the shadows at first, to grab the last of the Chrissy Quinn files. Diane didn't know she'd be so angry, when she saw her; she didn't have time to prepare. She takes a page from St. Florrick's book, and keeps her mouth shut. Just looks at her. This woman she never thought to fear.
Alicia's skin is smoking, peeling, by the time she gears up to react. She smile weakly and ducks her head, makes a run for it. Scuttles.
Through the glass, everything is normal. Will's office is just where it always was. Everything but the sex, they said. It's where it was when they overcame, and overcame again; it's where it was when she sold him to Mandy Post for a handful of silver. It's never been such a long walk, as it has been this last week. Every single time.
It's going to break his heart, she thinks. It's going to end his world.
Good thing she loves him enough to be the one to do it.
WEEK
The Red Wedding begins with the highlights from Josh Charles's Emmy reel, and just... keeps going from there. I would highly recommend watching it live, but at the least take precautions to get every second, from the start to the finish. As much as this season is already making waves for showing the series at its artistic and dramatic peak, Sunday's episode is still something special. And if you don't start crying in the first five minutes, probably see a doctor, also.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, Ravenswood, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.