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Was that maybe the best episode of the season? I feel like it might have been.
While everybody presses flesh at the Shamrock Dinner we were heading to last week, Alicia gets a visit from the cops: It seems one of her clients has been murdered, and there's reason to believe the killer is on the loose. While everybody gets into place for the episode, Alicia spends the first act remembering the guy -- John Noble, who I guess talks like Michael Caine sometimes, here as a paranoid crank -- in a brightly rendered and emotional, funny way reminiscent of the beginning of Up.
(Which I realize is a big statement to make, but an hour later, when you realize he was probably killed for one of the lamer nuisance lawsuits he came up with -- and she remembers that he blatantly told her he was only suing everybody on earth because he liked hanging out with her, which she blew off because everybody is in love with her all the time -- it's an altogether more valid comparison. You don't cast John Noble unless you're about to commit some form of emotional terrorism.)
The cops tell her that the perp's car's GPS was set to go to her place , so Alicia gets her mother Veronica to take the kids elsewhere. She gets as far as the bar across the street, and then tells them all kinds of horrible true shit (Alicia was knocked up with Zach when they got married; Grace was unplanned) while getting faced for St. Patrick's Day. She's much more human and less of a plot device than last time, which is hilarious because she is still a total cartoon trainwreck of a woman, but it's worth it just to see the kids affectionately/hatefully deal with her particularly un-Jackie form of crazy.
Laura Hellinger shows up at the (gorgeous) precinct to hang out with Alicia and work the SA's side of things, so we get to see how Alicia and Hellinger are doing these days, which is great... Up until Laura admits she's been flirting with Will Gardner, and asks for Alicia's advice. John Noble's relationship with Alicia twines elegantly with the historical Will Affair, which means she's in a sexy reverie for much of the time, but once Will shows up and Alicia firmly and directly breaks his heart for him, things settle into a new shape with Laura. I can't remember the last time I felt sorry for old Will Gardner, but damn was it hard to watch him fall apart like that. Here's hoping Alicia can stay out of it like she wants to, because Laura is fun and smart and Will deserves like one second of non-misery in his whole stupid life.
Speaking of interesting couples, Kalinda drops everything to come to Alicia's aid, scaring Cary with the seriousness of the situation once they realize a corrupt cop might be involved, and he grabs at her hand at one point in a darling way, but still who knows what's going on with them. Kalinda figures out that the cops lied about the danger to Alicia, allowing her to head back to the party and solving the case for 'em in like three seconds.
Back at the party, Alicia has a great moment with Eli where he giggles filling her in on current events: After Mike Kresteva intimated to a tone-setting Cardinal that Zach had a drug history, Peter one-upped him by punching him in the face, then leading everyone to imagine he'd fallen off the wagon. (This after Alicia and Eli have both taken memorable shots at him earlier in the night, including an acid encounter in which Alicia not only compares him to Hitler, but suggests that he "die choking on his own blood.")
Did I mention Cary Agos in a tux? Anyway, in the end the Cardinal seemed to take both men equally seriously as candidates, which Eli calls a win -- and more importantly, the death of Judge Ludwig last week leads Peter to offer Diane a seat on the Illinois Supreme Court, which would involve leaving L/G -- and Will -- behind, should Peter win. (And while it's hard to think about Will having to go on without Diane, frankly I'm more focused on hoping Diane's run for the bench goes a little less soul-crushingly this time.)
So you've got Will being deserted by his two ladies in fundamental, life-changing ways, and then Laura Hellinger riding in wearing the other team's colors, which is by itself a really interesting and complex dynamic. You've got Alicia declaring her love for and commitment to Peter in front of everybody, from her kids to her boyfriend to even her insane mother, and calling Kalinda for BFF-type help for the first time in years. You've got Kresteva on the defensive, which we didn't even know he had one of those, and Peter impressing everybody with his sudden awesomeness. Pretty much the only person who didn't have a life-changing event at this party is Cary Agos, which presumably leaves him more time to take advantage of everybody else's personal upheavals.
For an episode that took less than three hours realtime, and stayed contained in basically three locations, it sure did cover a lot of ground. Not only factually, of course, but also the emotional highs and lows. John Noble's heartbreaker crush, Will's absolute misery, Alicia's intense focus on actually making decisions and forcing consequences for once -- while somehow retaining both her compassion and her not giving a fuck thing she's been working on all year -- added up to a story that expanded itself in time, unfolding and unpacking moments with a giddy sense of its own history. It would've been a technical marvel for any show, but coming in this string of good-to-great episodes, after a season full of narrative uncertainty, it's as reassuring as it was satisfying.
Week: Has there ever been a Colin Sweeney episode that didn't rank among the best of the series? I predict this excellence streak will continue, when he returns. What do you suppose he's gonna think of the New Alicia? I could see it going both ways. Mostly I just want to hear what comes out of her mouth when he tries to blow her mind with how freaky he is, because you know this year's girl isn't having it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
A bunch of things were going on! But it didn't matter, because everybody had to get all dressed up and go to the Shamrock Dinner -- quite the shindig, judging by Alicia's gorgeous red dress -- even though there is such drama: Peter just became the DNC's guber, invited both L & G in order to stir up a bunch of shit, Eli Gold finally got ridda my dear sweet Jordan Karahalios, Kalinda got burned for choosing L/G over her own troubling life, and Cary Agos is steadily imploding on himself like an adorable dying star.
SHAMROCK DINNER
Peter: "Whoa, you look amazing."
Alicia: "Lol. You also look amazing."
Eli, suddenly: "One might even say Presidential, if one wanted to buy me a summer home on the Moon one of these days."
Alicia: "Eli, you look so great in a tux..."
Eli: "Are you making fun of me?"
Alicia: "...Only insofar as a Beanie Baby in a tux would be super cute."
Eli: "Are you going to get all drunk and atheist on me again?"
Alicia: "One of those two. The fun is deciding which."
Eli: "You're on board for the mission tonight, right?"
Alicia: "To have fun!"
Eli: "Oh no, girl. It is to manipulate the affections of Cardinal James, who is played by Holling Vincoeur from Northern Exposure. At the end of the night, he will shake one candidate's hand and hug the other. Guess which guy we want to be?"
Alicia: "The guy who doesn't kiss the ass of anybody involved in a child sex ring?"
Eli: "He's a perfectly nice man!"
Alicia: "May well be, but it's like the Boy Scouts thing. If you don't want to be associated with a group, don't associate with that group. Pretty simple shit, Eli."
Eli: "Does not compute. Catholics vote."
Peter: "So I won't talk about abortion. Like I usually do."
Alicia: "You're pretty awesome this episode."
Peter: "I know, it's weird!"
Eli: "I know you hate the St. Alicia thing, but you need to work that tonight. In an awkward segue -- especially notable for the unparalleled quality of this episode overall -- I will now pivot to how that is all about your wifely faithfulness, a thing it only became about like three episodes ago..."
Will: "-- So I can suddenly appear! Making Eli's eyebrows crawl up his head and down the back of it."
Peter: "Thanks for coming. I invited you mostly to start shit, but nominally to thank you for making Alicia an undeserved equity partner."
Will: "I came almost entirely to start shit."
Alicia: "Fair warning, I am going to go get drunk now."
THE BAR
Alicia: "Please serve me all the alcohol."
Mike Kresteva: "Alicia Florrick! How nice to slime all over you at this fun party. I thought I'd find you at the bar."
Alicia: "Firing blindly as usual, I see. Hey, how's your alcoholism going?"
Mike: "I dunno, let's talk about it all episode so it becomes a huge plotpoint."
Alicia: "What the fuck do you want."
Mike: "Just to be awful some more. You seem very sassy."
Alicia: "S4 Alicia doesn't give a fuck. I'm just honest now, all the time. Like the opposite of you."
Mike: "Cool! What is your husband's strategy?"
Alicia: "To use me. My beauty, my reputation, etc. Which I'm cool with, because fuck you."
Mike: "What about me are you most worried about?"
Alicia: "Your suckiness, your psychopathic ability to lie and pretend it's the truth..."
She compares him to Hitler, which is grody, and he points out how grody that was. Skip.
Alicia: "You know the problem with bad people is, they use the arguments of good people."
Mike: "The problem with good people is, they think of themselves as good people."
Truer words. You just summed up forty-something recaps in thirteen words.
Cops: "Alicia, can we talk to you about a dead murdered person?"
Alicia: "I wish that was you, Mike Kresteva. Choking on your own blood at this Shamrock Dinner."
Kresteva: "Your Eminence, did you know that Alicia Florrick's son is a convicted drug person?"
His Eminence: "That's not even very interesting."
THE STATION
This part was so neat. I compared it to the hallowed beginning of Up, and I stand by it. John Noble is so heartrending -- even talking like Michael Caine -- and of course, Alicia always nails it, but man. The downside is that the beauty of it is so much about the staging, the direction, the music, the editing, that I couldn't even get it across if I tried. Go find it on the same internet you are on as you are reading this, so you can see it. It is beautiful.
Alicia's client Matthew Ashbaugh has been murdered: A dude just walked right up to him, shanked him in the neck, and got back in his car. She can't identify the car or the guy, in the grainy security video, but they're telling her he's maybe still out killing folks tonight, so she's gotta help. The detective in charge is a nice-looking, seemly open-handed fella named Doug; the precinct is gorgeous and almost completely full to the brim of drunk Irish stereotypes, which luckily it's St. Patrick's Day.
Detective Doug: "So can you tell us what cases you worked on with him?"
Alicia: "There were like eighteen."
Detective Doug: "What? Wow, and how many ongoing?"
Alicia: "Like eighteen?"
Detective Doug: "Can you write down anybody that would kill him?"
Alicia: "I'm just gonna write Everybody, okay?"
We flash back through their entire legal relationship, and it's so beautiful. In one interaction, he was suing because the neighbor's dog wouldn't stop barking, stuff like that. Her indulgent, sassy annoyance is closer to Brother Owen Cavanaugh than anybody else I can think of, but she feels safe enough with him to laugh in his face whenever he's acting crazy, which is all the time.
She can see, but doesn't think about, how much he likes it when she does that.
The way the memories are placed, throughout the first half of the episode, tell a certain story all their own -- a sequence that shows you they're adversarial first, and then why she liked him. Why this particular death matters. Why the lies the cops are telling her will, eventually, make themselves useless.
Alicia: "...Intent on making enemies! You can't sue the phone company."
Matthew: "This is America, you can sue anybody!"
Alicia: "But we're not done with your other two lawsuits!"
Matthew: "Right I'm talking to you, and simultaneously designing the architecture for new encryption software. Multitasking, man."
Alicia: "Yeah, well you're much smarter than me."
Matthew: "Well, maybe I should look for another lawyer..."
Alicia: "PLEASE!"
She puts her hands together, under her chin; like a saint. They can't stop smiling.
It was Will that introduced them, that handed over the head of BaughTech to a third-year associate. Maybe he knew.
Alicia: "Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you."
Matthew: "Why?"
Alicia: "Um, why is it a pleasure to meet you? Because you're a wealthy new client, and I want to make a good impression."
I think that's when it happened. When it happens it happens so fast you'd never notice, unless you were looking for it. Unless you were listening. I think that's when it happened.
Once they got into a fight about the tiny Jawbone speaker he used to bring everywhere with him, playing the same Bach concerto over and over and over...
Alicia: "My problem isn't the music, my problem is the music over and over."
Matthew: "You don't like Bach?"
Alicia: "I love Bach, whatever. I don't love the same Bach song over and over."
Matthew: "Song? It's a Concerto. Why do the smartest people hide their learning?"
The highest praise he could give, and she lets it slide. The best advice, and she doesn't hear it.
Alicia: "To compensate for those who show off their learning."
Matthew: "It's so They will get bored, and stop listening to me."
Alicia: "Oh, so you're a crazy person."
Matthew: "The bliss of the unparanoid."
She liked him, so much. But he was such a force that it just melded together, faded into the background, like Bach. More of Matthew, over and over. She never saw him liking back; she never noticed the way he saw her. Red, in a monochrome world.
PRECINCT
Detective Doug: "So you just wrote Everybody? Did they ever fight?"
(One guy in particular, with a Fetch-Far: One of those dog lacrosse things you use to fling balls. Holding it to Matthew's throat.)
Detective Doug: "Yeah but did anybody actually ever threaten him?"
They did. She didn't believe him because she wasn't paying attention to the story.
Matthew: "You laugh now..."
Alicia: "I do! I do laugh now."
Matthew: "One day you'll be identifying my body in a morgue. And you'll know."
of kin. She wasn't listening. Maybe it was the Bach, over and over: So they'd get bored.
Alicia: "I mean, he said Mossad was out for him. Who knows."
Detective Doug: "One of his ongoing cases was against Chicago PD for harassment, correct? I'm just askin' questions here."
Alicia: "I need to make a phone call."
Detective Doug: "How come?"
(Say it with her. You knew what she'd say.)
Alicia: "I need to make a phone call."
SHAMROCK
Diane: "Whoa, our Matthew Ashbaugh? Or I mean, Alicia's? That's fucked up. To say nothing of the loss in revenue. Put her on speaker. How you holdin' up, kid?"
Alicia: "I didn't really know him. I knew him better than anybody else on Earth, but since I didn't know that and still don't, it doesn't count. I'm weirded out. Listen, they want to talk about cases..."
Diane: "Attorney-client privilege. Yeah. Listen, that's sticky when they're dead."
Will: "I don't think this merits it. Maybe if the survivors give the okay."
Diane: "In the meantime, be circumspect..."
Eli: "-- Diane, can Peter and I talk to you a minute? It is about the hugest thing."
Diane: "Got a whale on the line, TTYL."
When Laura Hellinger -- whom we've last seen going up against L/G, as Peter's ASA, but who's come out looking okay and in Will's case pretty flirtatious -- arrives, she gapes at Alicia's gorgeous self. They laugh, immediately dispelling any adversarial nonsense outside the courtroom. Alicia rescued her from an entirely other planet and brought her here, set her up with a job and no strings attached. They kind of have to love each other; they met on the battlefield of women vs. women, they have to love each other forever.
Peter: "First of all, thanks for pretending to be Maddie Hayward that time, it was great."
Diane: "I'm not nearly creepy enough to sub for Kresteva, I'm afraid..."
Peter: "Remember when that slut Justice Ludwig died in a car accident?"
Diane: "[A sound of some sort.]"
Peter: "Did you know he was an Illinois Supreme Court Judge? Like as his job?"
Diane: "[Bites her lip until it bleeds a little bit, nodding.]"
Peter: "Do you know who nominates his replacement?"
Diane: "[Sparks come out of her hairdo.]"
Peter: "Any thoughts on this?"
Diane: "If you are asking me for a list of names, I will slap the tall out of you."
Peter: "No, I wouldn't do that."
Diane: "Then how long do I have to decide?"
Peter: "End of the dinner, actually. DNC is insane as usual."
Diane: "So like three hours?"
Eli: "More like two and a half."
Diane: "[Such sounds.]"
Diane's had a tough year and I know this is going to stir up all the shit at once and make everybody miserable. But by the same token we haven't seen her happy in a long, long time. Occasional Bond-villain drink-clinking aside, I mean. And those were all about escaping death, taking a breath, pouring one out for the homies. There is a completely different flavor to the joy of recognition; it's a different emotion entirely.
Your life's work has been performed admirably, and you deserve to become even more than an officer of the court: You deserve to be its head. Your relationship with justice is stronger, more loving, more clear-headed, than anyone else I can think of. All those pieces you dropped -- walked on without, didn't need -- don't matter. This is your life wrenching straight: You deserve to represent the justice of the people. You are strong enough, and right enough, ethical and moral enough, to hold their lives in your hands.
It's why the Lifeguard thing still bothers me so much more than any other sleazy ratfuck scenario on this whole show: If the Constitution is your church, if the courtroom is your home, you have no higher honor. Take that brilliant, clear, puzzle-solving mind and stop it gnawing on bankruptcy puzzles, Maddie Hayward puzzles. Give it the greatest honor you can think of: Puzzles of humanity and justice and law and precedent and the very basic fabric of our world. No lawyer I know would ever want to be a judge, but I believe Diane Lockhart would, and does. And deserves it.
PRECINCT
Alicia: "So the SA wants to keep from falling back on privilege, and you're here to..."
Laura: "Be your friend and talk you out of that. I brought a whole brief on how you can't even use privilege anyway..."
Alicia: "I mean, I want to help with this murder -- which it's funny isn't it just how much the PD and SA want this to go away -- but my firm and I agree I need to be circumspect."
Laura: "Gotcha. Okay, I won't hammer you with it then. But can you tell me anything about a person named Edward Lomax, or Eddie Lomax? Just one lead among many."
Once Matthew was attacked by a cop -- whose name, because she is Alicia, Alicia remembers in a hilarious zoom to his flashback nametag -- named Nozowitz. (A name I myself would not have been able to recall in a million years, mostly because it's too close to Dan Nosowitz, who is like my biggest crush/favorite writer in the universe right now -- besides, of course, Caity Weaver -- but also because I am not magical.) He crushed Matthew up against the wall and shouted, "You bring up Lomax again, and I'll kill you! You hear me?"
Alicia: "...I can't do that one."
Laura: "Okay. One more question?"
Alicia: "...Okay."
Laura: "Are you okay? And do you need a ride back to the party when we're done?"
Alicia: "You are seriously the best."
Laura: "I need some advice about a thing I don't know is going to really bother you, also."
SHAMROCK
Peter: "Sorry about your dead guy or whatever. Hey, I have to talk to the Cardinal now, sorry. See you soon!"
His Eminence: "Look, I'm really sorry about your drug addict son. Where is your awesome wife?"
Peter: "First of all, what? And second of all, she's on her way."
Bagpipes start playing, in the middle of this whole Kresteva-started confusion, causing one of the many, many wonderful Eli WTF faces sprinkled throughout the episode like magic sparkle dust.
PRECINCT
Laura: "Are you gonna be okay riding a motorcycle in that party dress?"
Alicia: "What?"
Laura: "Just kidding, but wouldn't that be awesome?"
Detective Doug: "...Hey, can I tell you some huge lies for a second? The car of the attacker has been found and in that car is a GPS and in that GPS is ... your address!"
Lol. GPS. I bet the people on this show actually do use GPS. That's adorable.
BACK HOME
Alicia: "Hey, Grace? Actually, can you put anybody else on the phone? This is important."
Grace: "I look amazing in this episode, by the way, but you're probably right."
Veronica: "I am just randomly at your house! Playing with radio-controlled cars, creating much chaos! As is my wont!"
Alicia: "Could you listen the fuck up real quick? There are killers coming to the house so I need you to get my kids and go to your hotel."
Veronica: "Your life is so thrilling!"
Alicia: "Everything you say annoys me on a deep level. Put my son on the phone."
Zach: "Are we really going to be murdered?"
Alicia: "Yeah, but that's moved to priority two now that I know your grandmother is there. Zach, listen to me very carefully. That bitch is crazy."
Zach: "I know, right? But she's being pretty cool."
Alicia: "Just know that when the worm turns -- and it will -- I trust your judgment over hers. Okay? You can override her authority and assume control of the bridge at any point, without risk of reprisal or court-martial. Copy?"
PRECINCT
Alicia: "...Right, if my life is in danger that trumps attorney-client privilege, got it. But I really, really don't want to talk about Edward Lomax or Officer Nozowitz."
Laura: "So you think there's a scam here? Having to do with your suit against CPD...?"
Alicia: "Not saying that. I'm saying to you that I witnessed Nozowitz throwing my client against the wall, and threatening to kill him if he ever mentioned Eddie Lomax again."
BACK HOME
While Diane nervously/giddily informs Will of the State Supreme Court offer -- and what that means for their life and practice together -- Veronica walks the kids down to the car.
Veronica: "So when did you get religious?"
Grace: "Is that weird?"
Veronica: "No, it's the only interesting thing you've ever done. But mostly I don't get it, in our family. Is this because of your dad finding Jesus in jail?"
Zach: "Nah. She's just like this."
Veronica: "...Because it's always the philanderers who go to Jesus..."
They roll their eyes, awesomely, and that's when they discover that Veronica's car -- and Zach's -- are both blocked in by the St. Patrick's Day traffic. This episode really nails how shitty and horrible St. Patrick's Day -- my least favorite holiday of all holidays -- can be. Of course, since she's Veronica and it's St. Patrick's Day, a day she likes to spend drunk, she immediately drags the kids across the street to a bar.
PRECINCT
The captain is drunk enough to be getting very Irish, or vice versa? I don't know, I didn't really get the whole joke here. It makes for some plot devices down the road, but it seems unnecessarily broad as a joke. Irish drinking people, it's like from the fifties or something.
Laura: "We're bringing Sergeant Nozowitz in for questioning, and some security for you. Can I just hang out with you until then?"
Alicia: "Sure! You can ask me your awkward advice. Go!"
Laura: "You know that guy Will Gardner?"
Alicia: "No! I mean yeah. I mean, whatever."
Laura: "Because are we in love? I feel like we're in love with each other. Should I ask him out? I don't know anything about boys!"
Alicia: "...Does he know we're friends?"
Laura: "That's an odd question. Maybe?"
Alicia: "You know what, go for it. Fuck it. I say go for it. He would be receptive. Fucking look at you, you're Amanda Peet. You're gorgeous and a genius and you're actually nice, which he's never even met one of those. Why don't I call him for you? Why don't I just officiate at your wedding? Why don't you just make me the godmother of your children? I already have names picked out for your children. I can't wait to buy them presents!"
Alicia excuses herself to go to the bathroom and get her shit under control, and overhears Doug trying to get the story straight.
Detective Doug: "But like she actually said your name. Remembered it with her amazing brain."
Nozowitz: "I barely knew the guy. You got to be kidding. She fingered me?"
Detective Doug: "...Heh."
Nozowitz: "Don't, Doug. Just don't."
Detective Doug: "So are you sad he's dead?"
Nozowitz: "No way, that fucker deserved death. Or worse."
Alicia tiptoes silently away from this nightmare of fingering and back to the office with Laura Hellinger. It's excruciating! Everything is happening everywhere!
FERN BAR
Kalinda: "Whether or not I slept with Cary Agos, I sure am hitting on you."
Lady: "I am a massage therapist!"
Kalinda: "I am just horny enough to pretend that's a job... Oh wait, a call from Alicia? Get the hell out of my way, lady!"
Lady: "But we were going to hook up at this fern bar!"
Kalinda: "I'm Kalinda Sharma. I can pull tail anywhere, at any time. But a call from Alicia? You best believe I'm taking care of this shit."
SHAMROCK
Eli: "Did you seriously tell a Cardinal of the Catholic Church lies about your opponent?"
Kresteva: "No! Which means Yes, in Mike Kresteva Language!"
Eli: "Except it was blatant, like, the facts will indict you as a liar. So why?"
Kresteva: "Because the facts are that Zach got out of that fake charge not through the rule of law, but because Peter Florrick went to that guy's office and threatened to beat him up literally and figuratively."
Eli: "The truth ... will not ... set us free."
Bagpipes: (Play "Amazing Grace," because this episode is freaking amazing.)
THE PART WHERE KALINDA FIGURES EVERYTHING OUT IN ONE SECOND
Cary: "Kalinda, I can't talk about SA business now, just like when I left L/G I couldn't tell them anything. I'm Cary Agos, I have like one ethic."
Kalinda: "This isn't about helping L/G. It's about somebody is going to kill Alicia."
Cary: "...Fine. Nozowitz was under investigation for corruption, taking drug money. We helped IAD on it."
Kalinda: "Thank you. And Edward Lomax?"
Cary: "Drug dealer who got shot in the Fifth Ward. Nothing to do with Nozowitz."
Kalinda: "That would be a surprise to him, I think."
Cary: "Be careful with this business, Kalinda. It's scary shit. And I love you sooooo much."
She lets him hold her hand for a moment, which she thinks is cute, but eventually has to go take care of the actual thing that is happening.
Kalinda: "So that's the only time you saw Nozowitz with Ashbaugh? Did Ashbaugh ever mention anything to you about corruption?"
Alicia: "Again, it was Matthew, so it was like, the police connection to Mossad and the Unabomber and whatever. I wasn't listening."
Kalinda: "What about this Fifth Ward murder?"
FLASHBACK
Alicia: "Girl, I ain't Miracle Man up in here. I'm not omnipotent."
Matthew: "But then can you get me the police report? Can you get Kalinda..."
Alicia: "She's already on a lot of things right now. Such as my fuckin' last nerve."
He kept calling and calling, but every time it was interrupting another story. Alicia and Will, finally making love. Alicia and Will, making lovers' jokes.
Matthew: "Alicia, it's life or death!"
Alicia: "Having sex right now, BRB."
(Laura: "You look like you're off in a sexual reverie of loves lost. Just a heads up Sergeant Nozowitz is officially getting questioned, okay?")
Will, in bed: "Why's he want a police report? Are you suing the police again?"
Alicia: "Come on! You're the one that foisted him off on me. You're the foister. Now get me that info so I can calm him down, okay?"
Will: "Okay. For sex."
SHAMROCK
Will: "What do I, make David Lee a name partner?"
Diane: "Ha! Fuck no."
Will: "Then who?"
Diane: "I hate this. I feel like I'm cheating on you."
Will: "You found somebody better."
Diane: "You know what, go with Gardner & Assoc. Who needs another name partner?"
Will: "That's a cool idea... Hang on, it's Alicia."
Alicia: "Sooooo they found my address in the killer's list of killings, and..."
Will: "I am coming down there right now!"
Alicia: "No, just tell me if you remember the Fifth Ward conversation we had during our lovemaking one time."
Will: "I'm coming down there right now! Can I tell Peter?"
Alicia: "About a killer who is coming after his children? Why would you do that?"
Peter: "Hang on, I'm just gonna beat the shit out of Mike Kresteva real quick."
Eli: "No, you're not. It's a lie, about Zach, but it contains a bad truth, about you intimidated the Madison County SA. Let's tell an even bigger lie about Mike Kresteva, that seems like the Eli Gold thing to do. Right?"
Peter: "Sure. Listen, I'm just gonna go beat the shit out of Mike Kresteva real quick."
SOME THINGS VERONICA IS OKAY SAYING...
TO HER GRANDCHILDREN...
AT A BAR
"I love Irish songs. I think I'm secretly Irish. You know they have that genetic test that tells you what nationalities are in your background? I think I'm Moroccan, Italian and Irish."
Veronica: "Alicia keep you on a pretty short leash? No, you go off on a lot of adventures, don't you?"
Grace: "I have a boyfriend! A real one this time, not a cult leader on the internet or a horrible Autistic dancing lesbian but an honest to God one."
Zach: "You're dating that dreamboat now? Is this a secret?"
"Have you kissed? Young men are such great kissers! They're so ... anxious. It's like food to them."
Grace: "I don't have to tell Mom everything! You certainly never told her Becca gave you blowjobs while pretending you were Dad and she was a hooker you were paying off with government money..."
Veronica: "Sweet! Have you slept with him?"
Grace: "Uh, no. Jesus."
"Nothing wrong with that. Your mom was pregnant with Zach when she got married -- did you not know this? -- and you were an accident, Grace. How can you not know this stuff?"
Grace: (Just a clicking sound.)
Veronica: "Two months pregnant; they changed the wedding date, after. She called your grandfather all Oh Daddy Daddy, what are we gonna do? And he said, Do you love him?"
"Your mother was very adventurous when she was your age. She liked the bad boys!"
Zach and Grace just stare and stare and stare. That bitch is crazy!
RICHLY APPOINTED SHAMROCK RESTROOM
Mike: "Peter! How's your son?"
Peter: "Thing is, I'm not worried about it. You'll say whatever you want. It makes total sense that the Biggest Bad ever on this show would be a Big Liar as his magic power."
Mike: "I mean, it just seems like everybody has a line you can cross. The kid, or the wife, or the mom... You, maybe all three."
Peter: (Literally giggles with pleasure.)
Mike: "Am I being funny?"
Peter: "Kinda."
Then he just punches the fucker right in the face. He goes flying -- commercial break -- and then slides across the bathroom on his ass, bleeding up against the wall.
Mike: "Whoa, what? What just happened? My nose is bleeding!"
Peter: "Yeah, that's really weird! How could that have happened?"
Mike: "Because you fucking punched me, you psycho ex-con!"
Peter: "No way. That would be crazy for me to have done that. Therefore, there must be another reason for it."
He picks up the scotch glass he was swirling when he came in and -- yes, girl -- he totally smashes it on the floor. Scotch everywhere, and the recovering alcoholic in the corner, bleeding everywhere.
Mike: "I'll sue you!"
Peter: "Please do that. That would be amazing."
DOWNSTAIRS
Peter: "Gentlemen butlers, would you go up and see if Mr. Kresteva is all right? I'm afraid he's had too much to drink and he fell down."
Eli: "That would be the smile of a Cheshire Cat, right there."
Peter: "No, that is the real smile of a very real, very awesome Peter Florrick. You've just never seen it before. Either of those things."
PRECINCT
One of the cops calls Will "James Bond," which is cute. Everybody looks amazing tonight. I didn't even describe Cary Agos in his tuxedo earlier, as a favor to you, because believe me when I say, that mess got out of hand real quick when I tried.
Alicia: "I told you not to come here like seven times."
Will: "I know! But then I did."
Alicia: "Tell me about the Fifth Ward murder, cutie."
Will: "Never found the shooter. Case closed with eight pounds of coke still missing."
Alicia: "How can this not be about Lomax and Nozowitz? Why did Cary think otherwise? Man, it's going to be tough when Kalinda figures everything out in five seconds and everything in this entire episode turns heartbreakingly ironic in retrospect."
Alicia: "In other news, you look hot as hell."
Will: "You too."
Alicia: "And rushing down like you're Kalinda over here? Very hot."
Will: "Being in love with you was like the only thing I ever did."
Alicia: "Here's the thing, though. We're keeping each other from moving on."
Will: "We're fine!"
Alicia: "No, we're miserable. And that's because I am pretending we're not over, and you're my boyfriend in my own head, which means I'm being an asshole and ruining both of us. So you need to stop being my boyfriend in my head, and then on your end you need to go date Laura Hellinger."
Laura Hellinger watches through the interrogation room window and suddenly feels like a total asshole, but also that Alicia Florrick is maybe a slut who sleeps with men, and all of it is really unfortunate because: Bad Timing. They're not having an affair now, but when you tell the story it's all happening at the same time: They "had" an affair becomes "they are people who have affairs." It's a lie with a bad fact inside. It's the wrong half of the story.
Will: "We have a residual something or other, and we're dealing with it..."
Alicia: "Do you not get that even just bringing it up, tonight, I'm being an asshole?"
He doesn't. It's the half of the story he never heard, because he wasn't listening.
Alicia: "I'm back with Peter now. Now this has to end."
Will: "Can you just decide that?"
Alicia: "I can. And even if I can't, I have to. So I will. Alicia Florrick."
(Grace's heinous ringtone. Even disembodied, she ruins everything. Everything!)
Grace: "So you were pregnant before you got married? And I was an accident?"
Alicia: "Oh, Jesus."
"Nothing beats Bali! The water is so clear. Like glass. And the men... so advanced, sexually. It's a Hindu culture..."
Alicia: "Put your goddamned grandmother on the phone. Are you at a bar?"
Veronica: "Oh, here comes the lecture."
Alicia: "You literally brought my babies! To a bar!"
Veronica: "[Crazytalk.]"
Alicia: "Listen up, old lady. You get your drunk ass four blocks up, to the Astor Street Mansion, the Shamrock Dinner. I will meet you there. You will not fuck this up. Copy?"
Veronica: "Are you mad?"
Alicia: "Oh, for... Astor Street Mansion. Say it back to me."
So like, Grace looks great and Zach always looks great, and Veronica is dressed like a crazy old lady -- which we all know is the easiest look to transition from day to night that exists -- but you're still... There's something a little oof about the idea, a little cringy. "Here is my entire family in civvies, hanging out at this party of tuxedos." You know what I mean? Like on the scale of Elsbeth Tascioni to Patti Nyholm.
SOME IMPOUND LOT
Detective Doug: "Go away, Kalinda! We are doing cop things!"
Kalinda: "I can't help feeling like you guys are covering up for Sarge Nozowitz."
Detective Doug: "Actually, I'm going to be honest with you. He was undercover for the DEA. He might be a dick but he didn't do this, and he's not the one hunting your former best friend and one true love..."
Kalinda: "That kind of car doesn't come with GPS."
Detective Doug: "Shit."
PRECINCT
Laura: "I swear to God I didn't know, Alicia. This is some bullshit."
Alicia: "Then who did?"
Will: "Yeah! Whose idea was it to lie about Alicia being in danger?"
Detective Doug: "Look at my striking good looks! I was just trying to solve a murder! The murder of the man who loved you and you didn't know it!"
Alicia: "Okay. Go fuck yourself."
She actually says that. As much as I didn't like the honk-honk trick with bad words in that one case? Remember how much I hated that? That's precisely how much I love it here, with Drunk Irish Captain as the gun on the mantel from the beginning. It doesn't work perfectly, but considering how often I wish Alicia would tell everybody to fuck off, it works quite well enough for me.
SHAMROCK
His Eminence: "That's so sad about how you're a huge drunk that embarrassed himself at this Shamrock Dinner."
Mike: "But I'm not! Peter Florrick punched me!"
His Eminence: "Oh girl."
His Eminence: "Alicia Florrick! I have been wanting to hang out with your flawless self all night, girlfriend!"
Alicia does this whole curtsey thing that is amazing, and then blushingly -- and it's so smooth -- admits she looked it up online. Just a paragon, this chick.
His Eminence: "So either your son got arrested for pot, which basically isn't even a drug, or you helped the cops solve a murder?"
Alicia: "The latter. The former is nonsense invented by a shitty old drunk."
His Eminence: "That's what your mom said."
Alicia: "Oh shit. You know, you really shouldn't talk to her. She is a bunch of bullshit."
His Eminence: "That bitch a straight-up diva!"
(I don't know any Catholic priests, but old gay dudes aplenty have I known.)
Eli: "What happened, what did he say, what was just going on?"
Alicia: "Nothing! He's perfectly nice, as you said. I mean, apart from that whole thing of being personally involved in a conspiracy to hide child sexual abuse going back decades."
Eli: "Great. So Peter punched Kresteva in his stupid face. Bloody nose, the whole thing."
Alicia: "Oh my God that's awesome!"
Eli: "He is telling everybody Mike fell down drunk. Play along."
Alicia: "Eli, did you see it?"
Eli: "Girl, I wish. But based on Peter's face afterwards I think it was epic."
They hold hands and giggle and Eli smiles wider than he ever has in his life and Alicia is more wonderful with him than she's ever been. Just a great, great moment: Their man.
PRECINCT
Detective Doug: "Sure, just use my computer. That's cool."
Kalinda: "Okay see this video of the killing? Sticking out of that car is a Fetch-Far. You fling tennis balls so your dog can chase it. And one of the people our client sued was a dog lover..."
Doug: "Do you really think this is about a dog barking?"
Kalinda: "I get that you're not a lesbian, but you've surely at least met a dog lover? Those people do not play."
SHAMROCK
Alicia joins the kids on the stairs for some quick Stop Crying Grace time.
Alicia: "Where is your awful grandmother."
Grace: "Talking to some guy in a dress. Listen, about before..."
Alicia: "Sure, I was pregnant. It happens. I wasn't embarrassed about Zach, I was embarrassed about the timing, so I changed the date of the wedding. It's totally okay."
Grace: "And then there's me, the total accident."
Alicia: "No, girl. I don't know what she was thinking, but you should never know that."
Grace: "I've felt all along that we, I, were the thing keeping you tied down. Like you wanted to be with Will Gardner, but because of..."
Alicia: "-- This isn't about responsibility. This is about love. I loved you before you were born. And I loved Zach before he was born. And I love you even more now."
Grace: "And Dad?"
You're still reading half a love story. You think it's about responsibility, it's not. The ways it is, we don't need to talk about. You're not listening: I'm with your Dad. And I do love him. And I am with him, and I love him. The existence of one story doesn't rule out the others: Its' still half a story, but it's the half that matters right now.
This is the story we're telling. It wasn't always the story, but when you tell the story it all squnches up together like it's now. You can't do that with a life. You just look at now. Facts on the ground.
Or to put it another way: You don't combat a lie with a bigger lie. You combat a lie with the truth. But you choose the truth.
SHAMROCK
His Eminence: "Enjoy this handshake and not a hug."
Veronica: "Hey, guys! What's going on?"
Alicia: "Kids, I am going to have a word with your grandmother. Say goodbye to her, and remember her just this way. Beautiful, full of life."
Veronica: "Oh boy."
Alicia: "Mom."
Veronica: "It's not what you think! We had an adventure. I mean, they are such great kids, they're so funny. They made me laugh. I do think you might be protecting them too much..."
Alicia: "That's up to me!"
Veronica: "I'm not saying otherwise. I'm not Jackie, I don't care enough to smother you like she does. But listen, you are wonderful. I am proud of what I made. So let up on them a little, treat them like I did you. That's all, just a suggestion."
Alicia: "I'm awesome in spite of, not because of, your selfishness."
Veronica: "Probably true. But I feel like you're cutting me off, now that I'm recurring a character on this show I feel like you are already drawing the boundaries. And that, I cannot have. Because they are neat. I like them. They remind me of you, and they remind me of your father. Neither of us believe that I should parent them. I want to be clear that's not what I'm after."
Alicia: "...That was, um, perfect. Well done. I totally get you. I feel like I'm looking at you and I can actually see you."
Veronica: "You're listening to me, so you can hear me."
Peter whisks Alicia away to dance, and they laugh about their wedding.
Alicia: "No hug from the Cardinal? That sucks, bro."
Peter: "If life is about getting a hug, I'm in the wrong business."
Alicia: "Oh yeah! Thank you for punching Kresteva!"
Peter: "Whhhhaaaat? I couldn't have punched Kresteva. It wouldn't make sense for me to punch Kresteva, so I must not have."
Eli: He shook Kresteva's hand! He didn't make a choice, he didn't hug either of you. First time ever! We're in uncharted territory!"
Florricks: "Neat. That clearly makes you very happy, sweetie. Run along."
Eli: "Can I dance with you?"
Florricks: "No, baby. Go have fun."
HALF A LOVE STORY
Alicia: "You have got to settle one of these, Matthew. You're racking up so many enemies I wouldn't be able to enumerate them for the police if called upon to do so."
Matthew: "I made you a CD of that Bach Concerto. For later."
Alicia: "That's actually really sweet, thx. Let's settle, okay? It's just a dog barking. It's not like you need the money..."
Matthew: "Like it was ever about the money. I just enjoy the process."
Alicia: "The process?"
Matthew: "Being with you."
She sees him, for a second. Like red in a monochrome world. But he laughs. Just a joke, he says.
"Suing because I liked being with you? Wouldn't make sense."
And if it didn't make sense, it couldn't possibly be true, so she forgot until just now. But he went through with the lawsuit, didn't he? And it got him killed, didn't it?
Peter: "Are you okay?"
Alicia: "...Just a... Memory."
Peter: "Of what?"
Alicia: "Nothing."
Everything. Half of everything.
TONIGHT
Tonight two women looked Will Gardner in the eye and said they couldn't be together anymore. He couldn't have them anymore. The two central people in his entire, dark, broken life: They chose something better. It's just a joke though, right? It wouldn't make sense for him to take it that way. Nobody kills so casually.
Everybody does. All the time. It's just never the half of the story we can hear.
WEEK
As usual, Colin Sweeney's in last-minute trouble -- this time because of an impending Supreme Court ruling -- so Alicia and Will have to show up totally unprepared. Even more excitingly though than Colin Sweeney (and Morena Baccarin, of course) is the return of Kurt McVeigh! It really is just comin' up Lockhart these days, no?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Bates Motel, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, Facebook, and an upcoming biweekly column, "Geek Love," for Tor.com.