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Everything was so iffy! It was awesome and yucky and everything this show has been promising, in both the yucky and iffy departments. Do we need Peter or Eli (or Jordan or Eslbeth)? NO! We are just gross by ourselves, thank you so very much. Do we need Will and Diane fighting each other? NO! But for the three seconds they do, we get David Lee literally pretend-whining about Mommy and Daddy fighting. Do we need Kalinda having creepster sex with her various creep sex people? NO! She's got a whole new problem that is hilarious.
In short, it was an hour of totally creepy things, that felt sweeter than a lifetime of actual creepy things, with continual callbacks to the things that would normally make us feel creeped right out. Everybody managed to act totally in character, while also somehow being their goateed dystopian selves. Except Cary, of course, who -- in his first real episode since his dad showed up -- managed to make "bemused horny awful" a whole new fashionable look.
An hour of Lemond Bishop, yes. That means five dead witnesses and four threatened witnesses and three people already indicted and two people that don't exist and six milkmaids a-milking and five golden rings. But since his personal counsel has been replaced by adorable fucking Wallace Shawn, that means that we -- and Alicia -- just keep randomly hearing about these witnesses recanting and milkmaids a-milking, and even when the camera walks right up alongside adorable Wallace Shawn and he looks in the actual face of Lemond Bishop's sister and says to her face "Would you mind if I came in for a second to explain that you are about to be murdered unless you do what I say," the weird final result is that everybody wins! And even Alicia is so gross at this point that fuck it!
People actually looking St. Alicia in the face and being like, "Are you going to judge me right now, or do we need to talk about your best friend Colin Sweeney?" And Alicia being like, "Yeah, fuck it. I don't even care." AND SHE DOESN'T. And the beauty of the episode is, YOU BARELY DO. And it's not just because her nemesis from law school -- a well-used but always underused Audra MacDonald -- is playing the other side: You legitimately feel screwed when new evidence turns up in that whole car-trunk gym-employee motorcycle case from earlier this season. We -- like Alicia -- just want to explain to Judge Lilith, "I spent all day chilling with him and his kid, please stop pinning all these crimes on him." Which is, of course, the point.
In other news, Alicia fights as a partner to not get Kalinda replaced -- because she loves her -- but then Kalinda gets a lieutenant -- who is adorable and fantastic -- that is now her pet person. She starts a fight with Will about it, and he's like, "Alicia already started shit about this and you're getting a pet person, promise it won't be Blake again," and Diane is like "Trust us, this little girl is not Blake again." (Secretly I hope she's Blake again, but so far she seems like Nancy Crozier crossed with Kalinda's magical powers, so we're cool.) (But who is this girl? Because she is amazing, and I won't hear otherwise.)
Anyway, the body of the episode is those two stories -- Alicia defending some indefensible shit Wallace Shawn does for Bishop, while Cary randomly continues his revolution against everybody, while Kalinda learns to take care of a pet girl -- and on top of it, a thick fucking layer of Diane (hasn't been this cool all season) and Will (relieved enough this week to actually be funny) fiddling while Rome burns in some way they don't know about yet. And the whole time, suspicious Alicia learns more and more to enjoy her new position, even as it calcifies around her.
All in all, a great start to the final third of the season, and an absolutely brilliant "state of the union" for the characters -- Alicia included -- we've most been waiting to declare themselves. Turns out a world without Peter or Eli or Elsbeth is -- lacking, of course, in some ways -- a world that is focused on fucking some shit up. Just right the hell up. What's the opposite of a bottle episode? A Klein Bottle episode. That's what this was. Popcorn on the outside, ethical salad-spinner on the inside. Yeah.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
The show only does its own Previouslies when it's Lemond Bishop, but it makes sense because whenever -- say -- Colin Sweeney turns up, it's because he's done something completely new and crazy, whereas with Bishop it's all the same story in little chunks: How he finally went to jail, ironically on the legit-business side L/G handles, for the murder of a CI whom he swears he didn't kill. Remember the one, Kalinda found her body in the trunk of her own car and then Alicia had to wait with his kid while they tossed the house and took him out, and it was grosssssss.
BACK IN THE BLACK
Over a fun little montage of everybody getting spruced-up office furnishings and whatnot, we join the Lockhart/Gardner Steering Committee just now beginning their meeting by welcoming equity partner Alicia Florrick with what else but a round of the applause she keeps getting everywhere she goes.
Item One: David Lee wants to talk about reacquiring the 27th and 29th floors, which we know would have appealed to Diane before she went to war with the idea of Nathan Lane, but now maybe less so.
For: "It's time we look like a real law firm again, and not some Burmese tent city."
Against: "Stay lean, or risk retracing our steps into ruin."
Will's Position: "But the economy! There are dangers in being too conservative with money!"
Alicia: (Wrong. Trust me.)
Diane's position: "Uh, and those would be?"
Alicia: (Yep, you tell 'im.)
David Lee's position: "Oh no, Mommy and Daddy are fighting. Once again. Move to lease them again while we still can..."
Diane: "And when that fails, we can start a subcommittee to study the economic impact?"
It's a tie -- David Lee browbeats someone named "Debbie" to stop sucking up to Diane, but Alicia feels no such pressure -- so Diane nominates Will to head the subcommittee.
Item Two: We need a new investigator to work with Kalinda.
Pro: Kalinda is great and deserves help, although who knows how you help Kalinda.
Con: Blake Effing Calamar.
Alicia: Like, the sole abstaining person because she doesn't want anybody crowding Kalinda even though she is great and deserves help.
After David Lee makes fun of her and everybody leaves, Alicia asks Diane if she can be on that subcommittee, and after the whole Cary Thing -- and apparently thinking they are back to being best buds -- Diane finds it necessary to rather gently point out that Alicia is an equity partner, which means total fairness which obviously you're getting with Alicia, but also she has to lie to Kalinda's face until they work this all out, which obviously is going to make her crawl out of her skin.
So the question is, does she want to safeguard Kalinda's interests badly enough to risk that ugly feeling and -- knowing Kalinda's magic powers -- possibly pissing K-Sharm off in the short term? Yes, of course. Yes, this whole episode and this whole season are about that question -- and the other half of this episode is going to turn even that concept on its head by the end, making it more important than ever -- so yes, of course.
This show has always been about watching Alicia take steps -- first shaky, then proud -- into new worlds and new areas of sunlight, you know, places she's afraid of, places where she sets her cap and stiffens her lip and eventually learns to be that shape too. So yeah, Dark Knight is going to be a little wobbly. Most real-life people can't really handle that one -- a disturbing amount of viewers are starting to talk about her like she's this Nancy Botwin monstrosity lately, but to be honest that's probably just Cary fans for the most part; I've been doing this job a long time and I know how this shit eventually shakes out -- and most real-life people aren't half as Nice as Alicia either, which makes it even tougher. But she's Kinder than most real-life people, too, which is why you can trust she'll always get there, eventually. And hopefully drag the rest of us along.
BISHOP CASE
Liz Lawrence (the always impressive Audra McDonald) is a former classmate of Alicia's from law school, who brings with her that extra twelve years in a courtroom that used to be such a big deal and now hardly registers, but who also brings a sharp little pang of competition that we rarely get out of Alicia. It's interesting, because the people you generally think of as bringing out this side have been the kittens and the babies -- Nancy Crozier and folks like that; Cary from day one; the immense pride she gets out of beating Louis Canning even though her limbs are reliable -- and now it's the bitches she went to school with. Neat.
Cary: "Who were you just talking to?"
Alicia: "Liz Lawrence, my Actual Nemesis from law school."
Cary: "Is she good?"
Alicia: "At working my fucking last nerve, yes."
ibid.: "...Also at being a lawyer. To be fair."
Alicia: "This isn't about Mr. Bishop's comfort level, Your Honor, it's about his kid. Whom he hasn't seen since the arrest."
Liz: "Then he shouldn't have killed one of our confidential informants!"
Alicia: "Rude. And also, her boyfriend beat her like a million times."
Liz: "Prove it? We've been hearing about this 'boyfriend' for months."
Alicia: "Um, he drove a motorcycle. I mean, come on. But yeah, we have evidence and we'll present it. I want to get back to how AUSA Lawrence is using this custody thing to be mean to my client..."
Liz: "He's a flight risk. Fuck him, yes, but also that."
Judge Bebe Neuwirth: "Fine. Two hours a week, in the presence of a US Marshal, at the prison. Chung-chung."
Liz: "Even in law school, I always let you win one!"
Alicia: "Gross."
Cary: "Upside, Kalinda found the Noah the boyfriend. Downside, it was in the morgue she found him. Apparently he shot himself in the head when he learned about the manhunt for him."
Alicia: "Suicide note?"
Cary: "Not sure yet."
Alicia: "These abusive motorcycle-riding boyfriends, they don't seem like the type to leave suicide notes. Either because they were murdered by Lemond Bishop, or just because they are discourteous, as a rule. Seems like it's always one or the other."
Cary: "It would be nice to pin this on the dead man, though. Kind of a win/win."
OUR TWO HOURS
Lemond's Sister Judy (Tracie Thoms, whom I'll always love because of Wonderfalls, where she gave beautiful, hilarious voice to a lot of the more sophisticated psychology and philosophical ideas of the show) hangs out while they have their little meeting -- remember, she was the judgy one he sent his kid to live with that terrible day, after much agonizing because of their relationship -- and at some point he takes Alicia aside.
Alicia: "We still have testimony backing up your alibi..."
Bishop: "Yeah, from my sister. Whom they're obviously going to think would lie. I need you to meet with a guy."
Alicia: "I already hate this."
Bishop: "No, he's adorable. Charles Lester, a lawyer..."
Alicia: "Hey, if you're unhappy with your representation I would be thrilled to..."
Bishop: "Stop. I want you. And I want you to meet with the guy. Okay?"
Alicia: "Fine. I'm sure I'll end up dead, but whatever. You make Colin Sweeney feel like a walk in the park, you really do."
Bishop, verbatim: "Can you believe it? They might convict me for the one thing I didn't do!"
Alicia: "Brrrr. See, that's exactly the shit I'm talking about."
L/G
Will tosses himself down in Diane's client chair, like a pissed-off little kid in timeout, and she's just like, "Here we go."
Will: "Thanks for volunteering me for a subcommittee on the thing I already said I wanted."
Diane: "It's all good, man. Deadlock, this is how we do it."
Will, who is not wrong: "No, you're filibustering."
Diane: "One of has to be the chill one."
Will: "Says the lady who wanted to destroy Canning so bad you started talking about expanding to New York..."
Diane: "Yeah, well. I was angry."
Will: "So get angry! Stay angry! I love that!"
Diane: "As much as you don't want to hear this, we are not rebels. We are not even gamblers. We are business owners, responsible for the livelihoods of 300 people. Look, Stern always said when you're fighting your partner, you gotta look at the mission statement. So let's write a new mission statement together, and define who we are. And then we can look at it."
CARY & KALINDA (!)
Watch a video wherein Lemond Bishop toasts their inflated membership sales at a staff meeting -- and where poor dead Christina Diaz can clearly be seen, despite Bishop's claims he never even met the girl. Somehow the amount of fun and flirty and awesome they are being in this scene is only heightened by the gruesome sociopathic shit they are saying while they do it. Or I just missed this as much we all did.
Cary: "Um, okay. So clearly she was sitting right there, drinking champagne. Do they know about this tape?"
Kalinda: "It's just a copy."
Cary: "No, I know. But we don't need to bring it up or anything."
Kalinda: "So, just hope they don't find the moment and connect the people. That'll work, at least until I do a Kalindering somehow. Or he scares our star witness off once she recants and becomes theirs, which is already pretty clearly what's going to happen."
L/G LOBBY
Alicia: "What do you think Charles Lester is going to be like?"
Cary: "I'm picturing Annabella Sciorra crossed with like, a power lifter. Who only has one eye. Or the bottom of his face is just metal. What was that Mickey Rourke movie where he looked all..."
Wallace Shawn: "It is me! The only leprechaun renaissance genius this show had not yet employed to date!"
(N.B. Literally every show I have ever recapped, he eventually guest-starred in. I love him, you love him, we all love him, but I ran out of Princess Bride jokes in like Season Two of Gossip Girl -- and you know I kind of hate referential, quote-along gag humor anyway -- so you'll forgive me I hope. Unless something comes up, I guess. What I feel is more important about Wallace Shawn, personally, is that he's one of those, like, Stephen Fry/Steve Martin levels of Good At Everything There Is. Like he's this brilliant actor, today, only because he doesn't feel like being an astronaut or an ambassador or an architect, today -- and let me point out that's just a sampling of the first letter of the alphabet of things he could be, today, just if he randomly felt like it -- which is one hell of a lot sexier than bare nostalgia, which I generally think of as a form of mental cancer anyway.)
Lester: "So you're... clearly Alicia Florrick, and you must be ... Cary Agos. You're not what I expected."
The Both: "The hell you say."
Lester: "You both look a lot younger, for starters!"
Alicia: "Good start, good start."
Cary: "...Yeah, I'll take it."
There's a bit of business as they try to figure him out and he fumbles and bumbles and manages to invoke both the delightful Elsbeth Tascioni and one of the menacing Lesser Barons of Hell, somehow both at the same time, but he locates the address of their first witness to interview, and they head out.
WITNESS #1: IKE KRAMER
Kramer: "No thank you, I don't feel like chatting today."
Us Guys: "Why don't you just tell us whatever you told the Feds, before."
Kramer: "I'm not trying to hurt Mr. Bishop, just tell the truth. He told us in a meeting that if he caught anyone skimming, he would kill them."
Us Guys: "Specifically kill? Not maybe 'get rid of' like as in fire, terminate their employ, but actually 'kill'?"
Kramer: "Nobody, including Bishop, knew Christina was a CI. But some people, including Bishop, knew she was skimming. Which I'm pretty sure was the whole point of the meeting. And now she's dead, so."
Us Guys: "Was it all maybe a hilarious joke?"
Kramer: "Well, nobody laughed. We all understand Mr. Bishop's style of humor, which is that he doesn't have a sense of humor about basically anything."
To lull us into a false sense of not being terrified of him, Lester soft-shoes around for a while asking nonsense questions about nothing at all, and Cary and Alicia look at each other like they're almost ready to not watch him like a hawk even though clearly he is a killer or a tormenter of some kind.
L/G
Diane: "Kalinda, we got a problem with Seth DeLuca, the restaurateur."
Will: "He paid his bill, in full, on time. Down to the cent. For the first time in eight years."
Kalinda: "So, go see who he's dealing with. Got it. Later!"
Diane: "Hey, wait. Apropos of nothing, do you know any other investigators who are looking for work at an all-service law firm? I'm just asking for no reason at all."
Like she literally says that: "Oh, no reason." Why would you do that, Diane? Kalinda is the smartest person on like, all of the earth.
BISHOP PRELIM HEARING
Defense: "We don't think there's enough evidence for a trial, honestly..."
AUSA: "They're trying to argue the case before they argue the case! It's two at-bats!"
Defense: "Your Honor, Liz Lawrence is a dick."
AUSA: "Judge, I will swear on a Bible that Alicia Florrick and Lemond Bishop eat puppies together each Wednesday afternoon at a local fern bar and grille."
Judge Bebe: "I'm so sure. Just question your witness."
Alicia, with a comforting hand: "We are going to lose this one, but it'll be better for the trial, okay? Just trust me."
Kramer from before: "I did hear Mr. Bishop talk about skimming in one of his meetings. He felt negatively about it."
AUSA: "To the degree that he said he would murder people?"
Kramer: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
AUSA: "Really, because I'm pretty sure you told us that."
Kramer: "Nope, sorry. I remember he said 'get rid of,' as in fire, as in terminate their employ..."
Alicia: "Hmm. I maybe personally fucked this one up, but oh well. Call to dismiss."
There's quite a throwdown there, with Liz pointing out that he's clearly recanting because of outside pressure and Alicia doing her job of relating this all back to the question of the hearing and Cary running interference and everybody screaming, but the testimony is the testimony, so shut up everybody.
FLORRICK & AGOS
Cary: "I guess maybe he felt intimidated by us?"
Alicia: "LOL."
Cary: "I mean, it was just us..."
Lester, out of nowhere: "-- HEY GUYS! You wanna show me that tape I've heard about that Kalinda found? And also all of your other evidence? And also the names and addresses of every witness for the prosecution? And their children's names? And a list of their greatest individual fears, if you've got that handy?"
INVESTIGATOR SUBCOMMITTEE APPLICANT #1: GOOD OLD WALT
The first guy is a former Sergeant who retired after 22 years to be an investigator. Good Old Walt, he calls himself. He seems affable and whatever, not stupid, just grimy like an investigator, but then Alicia's like, "How would you feel about working with a woman investigator?"
Good Old Walt: "No complaints here. I love the ladies, and the ladies love me."
Alicia & Diane: "And you're done. Even if you mean that in the best possible way, there is still no way you're working for us. Or, frankly, with Kalinda, who would find you unacceptable. And PS, the ladies love her, too. You're lookin' at two of 'em. Ciao."
GARDNER
Kalinda: "So what's up, man? You got three ex-cops out in Reception. Am I getting replaced or do you honestly expect me to deal with those dudes?"
Will: "First of all, how do you know they're..."
Kalinda: "You're filibustering."
Will: "Yeah, okay. No, you're not being replaced. Yes, we're getting a second investigator. Think of it as, we're expanding your department."
Kalinda: "I have no desk. But I have a department? Am I the boss of this department? Shouldn't I be in on the interviews?"
Will: "No. And no. But I'll tell you this, Alicia jumped on in there to be a part of the subcommittee, meaning you're covered. Okay?"
Kalinda: "Sure. Because when has this firm ever fucked me over in precisely this way, except like constantly all the time."
Will: "Don't you have a chef to charm, dude?"
Kalinda: "Yeah, I better go do that job I do so exceedingly well for your firm that you have won every case that ever happened thanks almost entirely to me."
SETH DELUCA
Kalinda: "Whatever, dude. I'm here from L/G, you're acting cagey, tell me you're happy."
DeLuca: "I'm fine."
Kalinda: "Really? Because you have the invoice profile of a person who is not fine. And I wanted you to know that we're giving a five-percent discount [for votes!] for clients who lock in with a retainer..."
DeLuca: "Look, you're cute, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Lately I don't feel beloved."
Kalinda: "Okay. How can we make you feel all special again?"
DeLuca: "In [my experience/the exact words probably of Cary Agos], the larger the firm, the harder it is to change their behavior. It's not about teaching an old dog new tricks, it's about teaching a big dog! To... Whatever the metaphor would be."
Kalinda: "Oh, a smaller dog, huh? Like a tiny little dog? Sexy as all get out, perhaps? With dimples and an ass you could pop a quarter off of, and those piercing blue eyes full of promises and seductions and an ever-present twinkle inviting you into a private joke that only the two of you share?"
DeLuca: "B-I-N-G-O."
WITNESS #2: IN A BOWLING ALLEY FOR SOME REASON
Alicia: "That's cool how we're meeting the witness in this bowling alley where you're just randomly wearing sunglasses. Like a total maniac. Listen, I looked into your background..."
Lester: "That sounds ominous. But for whom."
Alicia, to instant glib freaky answers: "A lawyer for 25 years, but you've never tried a case. Never written a brief. No firm, not even an office. One client for the last ten years. And before Bishop, Anthony Grozzi for twelve, until he got murdered. So like, what do you actually do?"
Lester: "Hang out with my wife. Chill at this bowling alley, take care of Lemond Bishop. It's like Old Dude Nora Roberts. Just quiet and cozy and fun and boring and sweet. One might compare me to Abraham Lincoln, another small-town lawyer with a small-time practice."
Alicia: "You just deliberately stomped on my bullshit detector. Listen, you little creep. I can win this case."
Lester: "I didn't say you couldn't."
Alicia: "He is innocent. I can prove it. Using the law."
Lester: "Sounds swell!"
Alicia: "Brrrr."
Witness: "Hey guys, thanks for meeting me here at this bowling alley where I bring my kids once a week. I didn't see anybody kill anybody, I just saw Mr. Bishop get into this same car where they found the body that time."
Lester: "Your kids are so cute! Do you [mind if I kill them and they never find the bodies so you never know for sure if they are dead] also find them so cute?"
Alicia: "What the FUCK."
Lester: "I wasn't threatening his kids, don't be crazy! And anyway, he's not changing his story so I guess I'm not as scary as you seem to think I am. Later, lady!"
He puffs up in smoke like the Great Gazoo and like, Alicia still doesn't seem to have entirely arrived at the understanding that she is going to die and her kids are going to die and everybody is going to die unless she does exactly as this gnome says, because he does not give a shit.
MISSION STATEMENTS
Diane and Will trying to create a mission statement -- really, watching anybody try to write anything -- is, of course, exasperating and excruciating, but eventually they realize they are driving themselves insane and talk about what they're actually talking about.
Will: "Lockhart/Gardner wants it all, we wanna be the ... biggest, and the best... What. Can we just have a moment when we're not struggling? Please? Just take a breath?"
Diane: "We did. We clinked our glasses and we laughed and we breathed. It was a nice moment, I felt close to you again..."
Will: "No, we didn't. Not really. We're still just as terrified as we were before. Of the fourth-years and the fifth column, Eli's disaster and Encinal Equity, we're afraid of blood in the water..."
Diane: "Then take another vacation, dick. You weren't even here. You didn't dress in chains, you didn't dream of Hayden Clarke, sitting on your chest. Don't tell me what we can handle. I cannot fucking handle that again."
Will: "...Yeah."
WITNESS #2 - BOWLING ALLEY GUY
Fella: "Thing is I'm a huuuuuge fan of oxycodone? So maybe I saw Bishop get in that car, maybe it was the Catbus from My Neighbor Totoro. Who can say? Certainly not me. Not Bowling-Alley Guy. Not Bowling Alley Guy and his guts full of drugs."
Liz: "Um, we have this videotape of Bishop and Diaz at a social gathering..."
Alicia: "Which isn't enough, it's never enough. It's just like last week when Elsbeth kept knocking out Perrotti's guys..."
Liz: "I'm not saying Alicia Florrick is a complete and utter moron who spent twelve years forgetting everything she ever learned, back at school where I was better than her anyway, but the purpose of a preliminary hearing is to determine whether probable cause exists?"
Judge: "Yeah. Also, you've still got that manager, Dexter Roja. He looks pretty persuasive, let's do this."
Liz: "So you're pretty much just knocking them out one at a time, huh? You're a total thug, man. Gross me out, you're gross. You're the gross one."
Alicia: "Look at me. No thug has ever been this effortlessly glamorous. Maybe it is you who are the intimidator! And my awesomeness merely freed them from your terrifying spell?"
Liz: "Bitch, who are you calling a Dementor? We all used to sit around, the Old Gang, and call each other and feel so fucking sorry for you. Oh, her husband fucked hookers. Oh, she might get a divorce. But you know what? You were made for each other."
Alicia: "You know what I've thought about you, since law school?"
Liz: "What."
Alicia: "Nothing, baby."
BISHOP
Alicia: "So we got the video thing going on, I can show that to you, and then there's..."
Lester: "And then there's Dexter Roja. He's , if you know what I mean."
Bishop: "Can I talk to Lester for a sec?"
Alicia: "Uh, gladly. Thanks, actually."
Sister Judy: "And then what? If Dexter doesn't help the Feds, what happens then?"
Alicia: "Hopefully they'll drop the charges, or we can get a motion to dismiss..."
Sister Judy: "Yeah, that's the opposite of what I wanted to hear."
Alicia gets a call, urgent and so horrible, and rushes to the courthouse.
CHAMBERS
Liz is in a state. It's really sad and unnerving because she's been so hardcore; even Alicia shows a bit more emotion than she even would normally with somebody freaking out like this. You can probably guess what happened: Black Escalade followed her home, skidded away when her husband went outside to check, then her kid is like, "Oh and by the way a strange man came up to me at preschool and basically threatened in code to kill you, mommy."
Judge Bebe: "Yeah, that's fucked up. The cops are on it? And the DOJ gave you a security detail?"
Liz: "Yeah but I'm more pissed that he..."
Judge Bebe: "Got it. Alicia, level with me here."
Alicia: "I don't know anything about this stuff. Meticulously."
Liz: "Wow, are you kidding me? You're a mother, you..."
Alicia: "-- What's going on with Liz is awful, and none of us are here getting paid to admire Mr. Bishop, but there's no proof this is him. How many other cases are you working right now?"
Liz: ("Unbelievable.")
Alicia: ("I know. That part about your kid almost fuckin' killed me.")
Bebe: "Look, intimidating witnesses will get you disbarred, we all know that. It's also illegal, so that's no fun. And I'm not saying it's happening. I'm just saying, if you know anything about this, or so much as wink at it, I will throw your ass in jail. We good?"
Liz: "When exactly did you sell your soul?"
Alicia: "(No idea.)"
APPLICANT #? - ROBYN BURDINE
A very good movie that you might want to vet for yourself with some recon before just jumping in on my say-so is called Teeth. It is about what you think it is about, and it's pretty beautiful. And the main character of that movie is played by this actress, so like... Don't think of an elephant.
Robyn Burdine: "[Babbles and is a mess; less Elsbeth insane and more like if Patti Nyholm weren't clearly fucking with you all the time. She is young, baby-faced, babysits in fact on the side, dresses like a college kid. Is adorable at all times.]"
L/G: "So wait, you were a Treasury Enforcement Agent? For two years?"
Robyn Burdine: "I was! The people were so nice! But like, I wasn't having a ton of fun, so. Babysitting and being an investigator."
L/G: "We have a certain tone here, I mean... Not that the standard for investigators is all that high -- Kalinda dresses like that because she's Kalinda, for example -- but maybe a little less baby puke? For a job interview?"
Robyn Burdine: "I can do any tone you want. I do own other clothes, you guys. Cute ones! Or like, dressy ones. Scary ones, like a suit or something. Or I can buy clothes. I have a credit card and stuff. I carry it in a wallet I made out of duct tape or something along those lines. Robyn Burdine!"
L/G: "About the Treasury. First of all, could Bob Balaban be more adorable, and second of all, did you work in teams or alone?"
Robyn Burdine: "Solo usually, but I like teams too. I'm kind of whatever."
L/G: "BA in Crim Justice and a... minor in Ballet? How are you a person?"
Robyn Burdine: "Right? The funny part is, my parents are huge hippies that raised eight kids in an RV, so it was actually the Criminal Justice stuff that piss... That ticked them off. I like figuring out why people do bad things. Or just things, too."
L/G: "Okay, um thanks."
Robyn Burdine: "Robyn Burdine!"
LATER
Diane: "Are you fucking kidding me with this girl?"
Will: "Uh, the Treasury put her on tracking terrorist financing..."
Diane: "Yeah, and then took her off it again..."
Will: "No, she quit. Because she is a crazy person, and it's obvious that she has been designed by God/the Kings to be a character on this show, so just give in. Look, there were five ex-cops in that lobby and one Kalinda."
Diane: "So this is about Kalinda, because it's fuckin' always about Kalinda with you two, because you love Kalinda. We're all well aware."
Will: "It's not because she won't challenge Kalinda, it's because this entire show is about kittens that will fucking murder you. Kalinda confuses them with her aura of sexual mystery and allure. Robyn Burdine confuses them because she is a weird little girl."
Alicia: "Actually I am with her because she won't challenge Kalinda. She's a total top, it'll just work out better. Anybody else, one of those grizzled guys, she's just gonna... I know you think I'm soft and whatever but my success and power and strength should by now demonstrate that there's nothing wrong with picking -- or being -- a more passive person. It's not like Kalinda's going to abuse her. At worst, she'll ignore her, and that was going to happen regardless."
Will: "Take her for a month, give her to Kalinda, see what happens..."
Alicia: "Sorry, there's a gnome in the lobby who is a killer and tormenter of people, I have to go."
LOBBY
Alicia: "You little motherfffff... li'l darlin', did you torture Liz Lawrence and her family?"
Lester: "Inconceivable!"
Alicia: "Seriously, following her kids and stuff is not okay."
Lester: "Don't you totally hate her? She is like a maximum bitch to you."
Alicia: "Yeah I hate her, that doesn't mean I'm gonna kill her kid. And you can't either. I won't stand for it, sir!"
Lester: "Heh. Good for you."
Alicia: "We don't need to play a tough guy's game. There are other ways to win this!"
Lester: "I am getting real bored with this shit. I swear, nothing is going on."
Ooooh, girlfriend does not like it when you do that. Lester, back it down. Do not lie to her face, you will not enjoy the consequences.
Alicia: "I've continued my research into your wizened creepy past. The second you joined the Grozzi defense, it went into total assassination meltdown..."
Lester: "Sure, and the second you ingratiated yourself with Colin Sweeney, bitches started dropping dead in weirder and weirder sex ways. How's your priceless tentacle-rape hentai painting, by the way. Has it kept its value."
Alicia: "Let's do a little experiment where I handle Dexter's interview by myself, taking strict care not to threaten him with torture or death, and we'll see what happens."
Lester: "Uh, that's a dumb move. Mr. Bishop..."
Alicia: "-- Is my client, in this matter."
Lester: "Your client would like me to join you."
Alicia: "Are you telling me I don't have an option?"
Lester: "I'm saying you've been advised to bring me along. Let's be friends. This is happening either way, we might as well be cool with each other."
WITNESS #3 - DEXTER ROJA
Roja: "I don't want to testify, I think he's great, but I have no choice."
Us Guys: "Is Liz pressuring you to testify?"
Roja: "No, they just found my DNA under her nails, so... They said they wouldn't prosecute if I testified against Bishop."
Us Guys: "Your DNA under her fingernails?"
Roja: "Yeah, it's weird. I mean, we were sleeping together for sure. But not in a way where that would have happened. I would remember that, one would think."
TRUE FACT: CANADIAN PASSIVE AGGRESSION IS THE MOST PASSIVE & THE MOST AGGRESSIVE, BOTH AT ONCE
Kalinda: "Seth DeLuca was thinking of leaving us, yes. You nailed it."
L/G: "Did he say with or for whom?"
Kalinda: "He did not."
L/G: "But your Kalinda mind powers tell you he was thinking of..."
Kalinda: "Nope. He didn't say. One-man firms, small startup firms. Small dogs."
Diane: "Chicago doesn't have any of those on our level anymore. Is it..."
Will: "It's one of ours, right? Somebody burning us?"
Kalinda: "...If only you hadn't lied to my face earlier, in such an insulting and obvious way, I might actually tell you. But I'm sticking to the letter on this one."
L/G: "Oh! Good news, you're getting a little partner in crime!"
Kalinda: "Great. So which beer-gutted motherfucker's bratwurst farts am I going to be Febreezing out of my..."
L/G: "Her name is Robyn Burdine, you're going to be outwardly irritated by her but inwardly love it, Alicia's going to be crazy jealous because she's like the Alicia starter kit in terms of wide-eyedness, and the best part is, she is one-fourth American Girl Doll."
Kalinda: "Are you effing kidding me?"
L/G: "We are not! She has just finished the eighth grade and got her braces off last week, so she is like, full of oats. You're going to absolutely hate it."
Kalinda: "Hate what, exactly. Why is she my problem?"
L/G: "Train her."
Kalinda: "In WHAT?"
L/G: "In what you do. The Kalinda Way. Kalindering. You know, like having super powers and stuff."
Kalinda: "This sounds like one thousand percent bullshit."
L/G: "Think of it as a favor. A mandatory one."
LATER
Diane: "Why is fuckin' everybody givin' me fuckin' grief today? I swear to God you assholes all got together and said Hey, Diane looks like she's one cracked nail from going completely fucking berserk, let's see what we can do to really rev up and just shove her off the cliff. Anybody got Maddie Christing Hayward's cell phone number? Perhaps Hayden Clarke's got some ideas..."
Will: "Baby baby baby. Chill, baby. Our family is growing. Let me sing to you the native songs of my people."
He sings the theme song of Growing Pains, but you know I can't handle it when people sing, so I just zoomed right past that nightmare. I'm assuming Diane was indulgently grossed out but let it continue anyway, because she does love being soothed and calmed down. Especially by her best friend in the entire universe.
INVESTIGATRICES ON THE GO
Robyn Burdine: "I'm Robyn Burdine! I can tell by your boots and how you are magical that you are Kalinda Sharma!"
Kalinda: "Holy. Shit."
Robyn Burdine: "I know! What were they thinking?"
Kalinda: "You were a Treasury agent? Not like the Treasurer of your local Amy Poehler fan club but like... The Department Of The?"
Robyn Burdine: "I am outclassed and outmatched in terms of clothing. These lawyers are dressed to the nines! And here I am at sixes and sevens. Literally, in a Garanimals I take a 6-7. I just take a Hippo and match it to another Hippo and I'm good for the day. But I long for more! Take me shopping, Lady! Teach me to drive! Robyn Burdine!"
Cary: "What is this going on now?"
Robyn Burdine: "I'm Robyn Burdine! And I'm here to investigate the shit out of some mysteries! YEAH!"
Kalinda: "Don't start. What's going on."
Cary: "DNA under the fingernails. Liz is holding it over Roja's head, so we need to knock it out."
Kalinda: "Cool."
She then fully leads Robyn Burdine out into the hallway like they're going to go do that, then turns a 180 and comes back, closing the door behind her. Of course we know this is about Seth DeLuca, but anybody else would probably get pretty offended. Almost anybody else, I mean.
Robyn Burdine: "SEE YOU GUYS LATER! OKAY! GOOD TALK!"
Cary: "Aww. You have a little sidekick! A little Robyn, huh. Which makes you..."
Kalinda: "Oh, Calamar found out exactly what that makes me. He -- and his car actually -- got the Bat, the Cat and the Penguin. I suggest you shut up. I also, on another note, need you to cool it, okay?"
Cary: "With my love moves?"
Kalinda: "Kinda, but I'm talking about your moves on folks like Seth DeLuca. Mom and Dad are onto you big time. It's gone past the Scaring Them stage and right into the Firing You stage."
Cary: "I didn't go out of my way to..."
Kalinda: "Cary, you and I both know how you operate so don't bullshit me. But they will kill you. Not like Lemond Bishop, just I mean they will terminate your employ."
Cary: "Did you tell them?"
Kalinda: "Fuck no. I'm in a rebellious phase lately myself. But you need to chill. Got it?"
Cary: "Got it. Thank you."
Kalinda: "I'm serious, Cary."
Cary: (Unbelievably cute at this time.)
INVESTIGATRICES, TAKE 2
Robyn Burdine: "Hey can I see what you're workin' on?"
Kalinda: "No, Robyn Burdine. Go away, Robyn Burdine."
(She does this crazy power move where Robyn Burdine reaches for a file, she stomps it down with her hand, and then once Robyn Burdine has relinquished the corner of the file, Kalinda slides it across the desk herself. It's pretty swag.)
Robyn Burdine: "I'm not touching this file! I just touched it by accident! Okay now I just am reading it! It fell open, I didn't mean to!"
Kalinda: "You are a torturer, Robyn Burdine."
Robyn Burdine, after five seconds: "Oh yeah, see? Denatonium, it's a bittering agent women use to stop themselves from biting their nails..."
Instant Investigatrix Mindmeld is GO!
Ladies, both at once: "Right, lots of women use it, in what would end up being this amount we found in the coroner's report after five seconds, because they are nailbiters. Women whose nails don't really get DNA under them..."
Robyn Burdine: "Except theirs, I mean. In their fingers. Fingers got DNA. Of the lady."
Kalinda: "Begrudgingly, Robyn Burdine, I cede you this round."
Robyn Burdine: "YEAH! Robyn Burdine!"
ROJA HEARING
L/G: "Coercion. The ME even said specifically they didn't collect anything under there."
Liz: "Your Honor this report is the height of irrelevancy. The very height!"
L/G: "Uh, no, this is you doing the exact thing you accused us of, but even worse."
Liz: "This defense is based on smears!"
L/G: "So's your mama's underpants!"
Judge Bebe: "It's true. In this case your mama's underpants are totally based on smears. Dismissed."
Liz: "Your Honor, number one the government of the United States of American disagrees with your characterization of our actions. And also, number two is, Sister Judy wants to steal Lemond Bishop's baby and is willing to testify just any old thing we tell her to, until such time as Lester torments and terrifies her."
Which is what happened. I feel like you get the gist. She's like, "Oh, I forgot that on the night of Christina Diaz's death he came home covered in buckets of blood and gore, did I not mention that?" And everybody's like, "No you did not."
Cary: "Judy, during your brother's divorce -- from a woman I feel it would be unbecoming to remind you was recently chopped into a billion pieces for threatening this man's custody of his son, just like you are doing -- you wrote him a glowing reference letter. What happened?"
Judy: "Well, the real answer is I like having a kid. But the fake answer is, I was simply unaware that my brother was the biggest drug kingpin in like, the entire middle half of America."
Alicia: "Judge, this witness is worthless. She is a stealer of babies..."
(They kind of have conversations with each other for a second and it's awkward.)
Judge Bebe: "Nevertheless, we've lost his alibi for that night."
Alicia: "Um, okay. Can I have a recess? I guess?"
A HORSE FARM
Robyn Burdine: "Don't you worry, Kalinda! I will be very quiet and not help or talk."
Kalinda: "I already don't believe you, but I appreciate you at least think that's how you'll behave."
They are approached by a horse man, who has the most ill-advised sideburns of anyone who is not currently starring in a failed backdoor pilot for an Office spinoff. It's awful. It's punchable, like these bright orange landing strips lining either side of his stupid face. I don't even know what you would call that. Punchface Muttonstrips. The Old Ginger Put-'Em-Ups. O'Leary Pugilistos.
Punchface: "Ladies. I sure am interested in whether or not Mr. Bishop gets out of jail, but for reasons we don't need to be dealing with. Like the why of my face problems -- here, and over here on the other side -- it must remain a bitter mystery."
Robyn Burdine: "Obviously your security cameras would be coincidentally inoperative that night, but what about the front gate? That's electronic, right? Somebody buzzes you in?"
BISHOP
Alicia: "Okay, so... You said you were alone at the horse farm, at exactly murder o'clock."
Bishop: "It calms me down to be alone at the horse farm. Specifically alone, with no dipshitty facial hair situations bumming me out."
Alicia: "But like, you buzzed somebody in a half-hour before that? And that would really help us nail down your alibi if you could just..."
Bishop: "Nope. Nerp. Stop. Stop right there. Not an option."
Alicia: "Whoa, okay. Was this a big secret meeting? Like with ... associates from ... another organization? That maybe would murder you for saying their name?"
Bishop: "Uh yeah, for starters, and then if I admit on the stand to meeting with them I'll lose Dylan anyway..."
They stop before they get things so ramped up that you start thinking it's like the Taliban or something, but not by much. I'm gonna say Latin Kings, because that's the one I know of. I would know more, I would be able to name more, except I don't really watch any TV shows about drug dealers. Not even like Cake Boss.
Lester: "So I guess we need to brutally murder your sister then, huh?"
Us Guys: "Whoa, what?"
Bishop: "You mean, terminate her employ. As my son's guardian."
Lester: "Yeah, of course. You guys are so weird! It's funny. It's cute, really. Cute. Anyway, I have to go do something real quick so you guys can just call it a night if you want."
FERN BAR
Cary: "Thanks for Kalindering that whole horse farm thing. That might help, on the marginal chance Judy lives to see another day."
Kalinda: "Sure, cool."
Cary: "Ummmm. Oh, and I talked to Seth DeLuca, shut him up."
Kalinda: "Good, I'm glad."
Cary: "Yeahhhh, so like... I mean, thanks for warning me. Vociferously."
Kalinda: "All in a day's work."
Cary: "No, you think I'm cute."
Kalinda: "Sure, when you're setting fires in your office and pissing in ficuses in front of Mom and Dad I think you're great. Do you not realize how long it's been since you truly reveled in being a little shit?"
Cary: "Cool, so like... Here comes my face!"
Kalinda: "Whoa, bro! Act like you've been there."
Cary: "Is this because I'm a lesbian?"
It sort of deteriorates after that, but in a cute way. Like I mean, he's not even drunk yet, he's just intense and feeling his oats and it's fabulous. He can't tell, but we actually can tell that she's into it, especially once he starts saying Shit Boys Say like, "You know, what's so pretty is your hair. It hangs off your head, downward. I love that."
And then maybe they hook up? She bites her lip, which is like a regular woman crawling around on her hands and knees and growling like a tiger, or whirling her blouse around and around over her head like a helicopter -- or whatever it is ladies do, I'm no expert, but I will say it could give your fella a thrill if you tried it, who knows, sounds like a gas -- and then the morning they're kind of giggly, but it might be the kind of giggly where she had herself what you call a Cary Agos dream at some point during the night.
JUDY'S HOUSE
Lester: "Hey Judy, do you mind if I come in and murder you real quick?"
Judy: "No problem, come on in. But I have to go testify against your client, my brother, pretty soon, so make it snappy."
L + G
Will: "Drink this with me."
Diane: "Fine. To beating bankruptcy."
Will: "And also, because I know you better than anyone on earth, here is the firm's sign from the 27th floor. I know that one really hurt you, so I saved this out of the dumpster because I knew we'd come back one day soon."
Diane: "But also, you know, it was pretty close. Our lives, our careers, everything could easily have ended."
Will: "Well yes."
Diane: "I can't believe I got you to admit that. Can we agree we don't want that again? We'll balance each other out and not let them drive us apart or gang up on us?"
Will: "We've been through it now, too. We're smarter and wilier and stronger. We have zero moral compass, even Alicia is fucking knocking over liquor stores these days."
Diane: "I like to think that will help, but..."
Will: "Trust me, it matters."
Diane: "You know I'm changing my vote, right? We can have all three floors again?"
Will: "Yeah, I could kinda tell when you opened my Will Gardner-level manipulative present."
Diane: "You're supposed to say it wouldn't matter, you heathen. You don't have to if you don't want to."
Will: "Of course. That wouldn't even be a lie. But I'm very glad you did."
Clink. Lockhart & Gardner, forever and ever.
COURTHOUSE
Alicia: "I stayed up all night looking for precedents to knock out Judy's testimony, and I found it! Yeah! And I still look fuckin' flawless! BLADOW! Get ready for me, Liz Lawrence! Because I am about to freak you the..."
Judge Bebe: "Don't bother. Judy recanted her recantment."
Alicia: "But my brief! It was the shizzzzzzzz!"
Judge Bebe: "I'm sure, but listen. Your client is free to go."
Which of course Alicia shits her britches about, because Lester probably beat Judy to death or something, but on the other hand: He was innocent of the crime. She did her job. Lester did his job, which is some bullshit but is not her job. Her job was to get him out of jail, within the law, and that's what she did. She had the brief right there that woulda done it. At every turn, Alicia knew she could use the law to accomplish what Bishop and his organization didn't think they could get out of the system. At every turn, she did the work and it didn't matter, because they got the same result.
Stare Liz Lawrence in the face, sorry about the black Escalade but eff you for being awful. Tell Judy you're sorry, for something that maybe didn't even happen and you just invented it in your scared mind. These things are not your deal. Your deal is, do your job. Did anybody get hurt? Nope. Did she slack off once she figured out that Lester was going to part the seas for her, like Moses, right before every witness? No, quite the opposite -- she doubled down. And so then, did the course of the law change because of anything she did? No. Same people, same circumstances, same outcome. Maybe true, maybe not, but she wouldn't ever think it, because did her best. And that's something only she can know for sure, but it's Alicia we're talking about: Same winning outcome, legally obtained or otherwise.
Trickier: Did the course of law change because of anything she didn't do? Not really. She had no more proof of Lester's actions than Liz did, or -- and this is key, because this is a great episode, in terms of craft, and you should really think about this because they tried really hard to make this central -- we do. Lester did 100 sketchy things, but he touched nobody and he offered not a single threat. What we see, what Alicia sees, what Liz saw, is a string of very obvious coincidences. Luck continuing to go our way.
But what about Perrotti/Gold? What we saw there was Elsbeth being fucking great as usual, and endlessly inventive, but what did Josh see? What did Hamish Linklater see? Josh even specifically accused her of exactly what we heard tonight, but all they saw was: A string of coincidences. Luck continuing to go our way.
And that, I think, is the power of this story: We know exactly what went down, of course we do, but is Alicia lying, about any of it? No. It's nominally our job to sit here and decide, one moment to the , whether Alicia is a "good" person or a "bad" person or if we "like" her or we don't "like" her or if she's too "mean" to Cary or Kalinda, or too "nice" to Peter. That's our job (I guess). But her job is to be a lawyer, and this week I think she was a pretty great one.
WEEK
Some weird Star Trek scenario where they have to ask a dead body three questions or some shit, I guess I'll get it when we get there. Oh, speaking of, did you ever notice the titles on this show? All the first season episodes have one-word titles, and so on. Check it out, it's insane. Also explains some of the weirder stretches once you see it. (I guess that fact doesn't really belong in this section of the recap, but I'm kind of in a hurry to go draw a million pictures of Robyn Burdine in various triumphant poses on like everything I own, so.) Um, Peter punches the shit out of Kresteva at the annual Tuxedo Fistfight Party they always have on this show, so that should be fabulous. And uh, I'll see you then!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bates Motel, Deception, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook, as well as an upcoming column for Tor.com.