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Five minutes before a vote on the company Eli and Alicia are helping Colin Sweeney win back, Morena Baccarin shows up, claiming sexual harassment and with a child she claims is his -- but since Colin Sweeney is a weirdo that prefers lying and acting weird to conducting himself in a normal way, getting to the bottom of things is a lot more complicated -- both logistically and ethically -- than it needs to be. And of course, by the end of things, also way weirder. Turns out the woman was working for Colin's rival in the company, there's this whole thing about blowjobs and turkey basters, and the point is she impregnated herself with his semen. But then, because it's Colin Sweeney, he decides that's awesome, and they run off to raise the kid together.
Opting for family life, the return to hearth and home, is something of a theme for Alicia this week, once her apartment goes condo and she realizes they'll have to move again. The Highland Park house where the Florricks lived until everything went to shit is back on the market, which the kids love no end but Alicia's worried about money and unsure how to play her move, financially. In the end of the episode, she sneaks off to take in a tour of the open house and, confronted with fifteen years of memories, pretty much wigs.
And the financial bits are just the part you can see. Alicia's got herself so freaked out -- about money, about the kids, about the usual stuff she's freaked about -- that she lets the intense office politics get to her, finally going after Caitlin for "undercutting" her and pretty much doing everything exactly wrong. Which, to her credit, she figures out almost immediately, but then it turns out it doesn't really matter, because there is no secret and there is no agenda and it has nothing to do with Alicia or Will or even Diane: Caitlin's leaving the firm to get married and have a baby. A story Alicia knows pretty well, and a stinging reminder that turning on Caitlin is exactly what they want you to do.
It's actually the neatest part of the episode, the conversations Alicia has with her own mentor and mentee, in turn, about whether or not it's politically or personally acceptable for Caitlin to Mommy Track herself. Diane speaks for her generation when she says the cracks in the glass ceiling weren't put there for this, that the personal is political and Caitlin will end up as disappointed as Alicia was. Both of which Alicia correctly answers in the negative, because she's wrong on both counts, and it's not betraying anyone to have a child. And then finally, Caitlin speaks for my generation when she tries to explain she has nothing to prove: That the first question you have to ask is who you're trying to impress.
Powerful stuff. Searching, without being either cloying or cliched and without getting even passively vitriolic. I love the way Diane and Alicia immediately close ranks, like, "We have to talk her out of making this all-or-nothing choice," and the way Caitlin sweetly tells them to go to hell. I just love the idea that all this time Caitlin's agenda was the opposite of an agenda, and it's Alicia who's been connecting every one of those dots. She was a real asshole this week, to be honest, but A) It's Alicia, and B) She knows it. Plus C) Any week with Colin Sweeney, you get a pass.
There was some interesting business developing about minorities getting screwed over at the Florrick State's Attorney's office -- a couple of dudes had sex in Peter's office, for some reason, so one of them gets fired, and Geneva Pine rips Cary a new one about his white privilege -- so then he tries to get Peter to fire or censure him out of some desperate need for the SA to actually follow the rules they're constantly setting and espousing. However, like Alicia's salary concerns, this shift is left on the table at the end of the episode.
We'll miss Caitlin, but the fact that so many characters seem to be in financial straits or dissatisfying places with their careers makes me wonder exactly how tectonic the coming changes are going to be -- especially with Louis Canning set to reappear week, along with Tammy dropping back into Will's life. Without Caitlin or Kalinda to worry about, and feeling the credit crunch, I wonder if this stuff might end up with Alicia questioning her own loyalty, to Will and Diane, and to the firm as a whole. From last week's snakepit to this week's oddly quaint storyline about bathroom blowjobs and miraculous semen, it seems like she might just need a break period. Or at least a nap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!HERALD EQUITY STOCKHOLDERS MTG
Gerald Drescher: "Stockholders of Herald Equity, I am here to make my rival -- former CEO Colin Sweeney -- look bad. Since he is the most fucked up person that ever lived, this should go pretty smoothly."
Eli, backstage: "He's right. You are a total trainwreck of a person."
Colin: "What if he asks me about how I keep killing people and having weird sex all the time?"
Eli: "...Yeah, he's going to do that."
Colin: "I wasn't asking you, I was asking my legal consultant."
Alicia: "Right, sorry. Forgot where I was. Okay, so just say you didn't kill your wife."
Colin: "Which is true. I killed that other lady I was paying to stalk me, and got away with it."
Alicia: "Well. Don't bring that up?"
There is something so beautiful about the fact that Lockhart & Assoc. sent Colin a team consisting of an associate and a crisis consultant -- and even better that it's Alicia and Eli, for about a million reasons -- but one wonders what else they could have added. Somebody with a taser, maybe. Armed guards with that rolling stand-up face-mask Clarice Starling rig. Definitely a priest.
Alicia: "Right, remember the truth? That thing you hate because you are perverse? Think about saying that. You know, how you are trying to get back the company that was stolen from you, and which has taken a 30% drop since Drescher took over. Facts."
Other Fact #1: Lockhart is going from mutual fund to mutual fund getting their individual proxies together, one by one, so we're getting continually updated on which Whiteguy-Hedgewealth fund is flipping sides at any given time.
Other Fact #2: When this works out, Alicia will have brought Lockhart a 5% stake in the company. Which is exactly what she needs to do in the wake of Gardner's hiatus, and of course in the wake of Caitlin's total onslaught and full-force attempt to ruin Alicia's life and sanity using her blonde wiles and genetic evil and intuitive understanding of how basic internet things work.
Colin: "So that's probably a good thing for you, huh? I do like to help you with your career, Mrs. Faustus."
Alicia: "Frankly I'm just happy to see you."
Colin: "The more cynical you get, the closer you get to becoming my underworld bride."
He takes the stage to boos -- "How gauche!" -- and Eli just stares at Alicia, in her simultaneous equanimity and full-body wiggins.
Eli: "He's ... weird with you."
Alicia: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, he is."
GRACE CALLS - NEVER GOOD
Grace: "We're getting evicted! We'll be homeless! I may turn to the church, or tribadism, for emotional succor! The world is ending!"
Zach: "Oh my God, no we're not. We're going condo, and we have 90 days to decide. It happens all the time. The guy is standing right here. Jesus, Grace."
Mr. Pedrono: "I own the building, I'm selling it, and I am super sleazy. Allow me to re-spin the eviction conversation into a wonderful opportunity for you to get in over your head with a mortgage! Your husband agrees!"
Alicia: "Uh..."
Mr. Pedrono: "Home ownership is not a scam!"
Alicia: "You talked to Peter?"
Mr. Pedrono: "Yeah, like a total year ago. Anyway, buy your apartment in 90 days or you're out on your ass! Isn't that marvelous?"
Alicia: "Get the hell out of my house and stop scaring my kids, and I will call you later, okay?"
Mr. Pedrono: "My coke dealer won't wait all day, Mrs. Florrick!"
Kalinda: "Will you talk to me today?"
Alicia: "Only because I'm distracted. What's going on?"
Kalinda: "I was spying on Drescher's legal team and they said they just moved 36,800 shares to Drescher's side of the ledger, which is weird because I thought we had everybody on lock."
Alicia: "That figure doesn't ring any bells for me either."
LOCKHART & ASSOC WAR ROOM, 10 MINS TO VOTE
Caitlin: "Guys, hold up. Who's got 36,800 shares? Nobody can remember that one."
Alicia: "I can't either. I think it's okay for you to ask Will about this particular thing."
Richard Gilmore: "Will, let's recap your sabbatical storyline until Caitlin comes in."
Will: "Sounds good. So I can only involve myself in matters of business, past strategy in ongoing cases, and..."
Caitlin: "Excuse me, I have a question about the proxy fight?"
Will: "Can I answer that question, Lionel?"
Lionel: "I don't know, let's talk about it for one million years."
(They do, with Caitlin doing a pee dance the whole time, but really it's just an awkward and not very sophisticated setup for Caitlin to show us her brilliance, ability to properly walk ethical lines, value to the firm, etc. But since the question is fairly straightforward it's more a narrative shell game than anything else -- and without the charm of a "look at all this paper!" to give it the triumphant punch it needs. This episode is solid in a lot of ways -- very internal and emotional, with some grand arcs and real surprises -- but the Sorkinium is not flowing the way the show seems to think it is, so they all just come off kind of dumb in these scenes.)
Caitlin: "...Anyway, I'll just ask on behalf of Eli's side of this, since the proxy vote is his entire reason for engaging with this storyline. Due to Colin Sweeney being the personification of crisis and damage and all the things Eli contains by being even worse than them."
Will: "Oh, that was easier than we made it seem. They're talking about Tenley Mutual."
Caitlin: "Where Diane just happens to be, having locked them down a second ago. Got it."
TENLEY MUTUAL
Diane: "Great meeting, you guys! Glad I can count on your votes, and I'll see myself out... Oh hey, Caitlin. What's that you say? They fuckin' what?"
Diane subsequently: Regulates. We don't even need to see her do it, just a smash cut from her going, "Did you lie to me, Mr. Tensley?" and that's it. Although I wonder if this too weren't intended to play into the overall story with Caitlin-Alicia-Diane, that even for stern patrician Diane, who can work the Boys' Club in her sleep, there are still ways in which she gets underrated or underestimated, just like they do... And then that thought, too, becomes part of the story: Did I just think that because she was a woman, in a room full of gross old white guys? Did I just think that because they lied to her face, which somehow implies weakness on her side that she didn't notice? Or because she had to walk back into that room and shrug and be like, "This is not how we do business"? What made me go there?
This is a story about that, that thought right there. The thought we train ourselves to think around, because it makes things too complicated. It's the centipede that thought about his feet too much, when you do that, because when you're in a fight for survival the last thing you can think is, Feminism and paranoia are not mutually exclusive, because if they catch you thinking that, they'll destroy you. So you can't think about that. But if you don't think about that, you race to the bottom, and then you make things worse for everybody. Injudicious feminism that can do more damage than the misogyny, if you try hard enough. So you have to think about that: Am I being selfish or playing the card, or is this really happening. And if you think about that, it paralyzes you, so you can't think about it. And that's what this episode is really about.
HERALD EQUITY SHAREHOLDERS MTG
Peter: "He told you he talked to me about this?"
Alicia: "Yeah. He's establishing a timeline so he can evict us faster. Would you sign an affidavit to that effect?"
Peter: "Sure, but why don't you just buy it?"
Alicia: "That's a lot of debt, in an ugly market..."
Peter: "I thought you were making the big bucks over there!"
Alicia: "Yes. Gentle ribbing. About my career."
They sign off amicably; Eli's glad to see it -- it's nice, actually -- and calls Peter immediately after.
Eli: "I was going to call you anyway, because we've got trouble, but can I just say how cute you guys are on the phone?"
Peter: "Eli, stop scheming. What's the deal?"
Eli: "The Cook Countienne [No.] blog says a couple of ASAs fucked on your office couch three nights ago."
Peter: "Gross me out, Eli..."
Eli: "Nope. Sexual corruption in Peter Florrick's State's Attorney's office is the number one kryptonite of a campaign that is dying on the vine. Fix this. Hard."
Diane: "Tenley update. They'll come back to us if he gives them another seat on the board..."
Alicia: "No problem."
Diane: "...And no more drama. Drescher got them playing the Colin Sweeney Is A High-Maintenance Crazy Person card."
Alicia: "I'm sorry, you're asking me to guarantee he won't act nutty or do something awful?"
Diane: "Yes. For the five minutes."
Alicia: "You say that like it's not still a huge gamble."
Colin: "[Charming podium talk.]"
Alicia: "Yeah, he's good at this. I'd probably vote for him, even."
Diane: "You're doing a great job. And thanks for dealing with him. I know your ambivalence toward him is generally a sign that you're going to lose your shit at some point in the episode, because he's a living embodiment of your existential terror that there is no compass, moral or otherwise..."
Alicia: "Yeah, it's fine. I like him. Hey, though. Can we talk about giving me a raise? I'm getting evicted, and you lied to me at the end of last season that I was on the partner track thanks to my crumbling political marriage..."
Diane: "I know you're uncomfortable with situations like this, because you were raised a proper woman who is terrified of being rude or discussing money, so I'll let it slide this time, but the fact is that it's actually inappropriate for you to bring it up right this second. Ironically enough."
Alicia: "As if I wasn't already worried about our dubious relationship. Come on, Alicia! Keep it together."
Random Morena Baccarin Sighting: "I am Isobel Swift, an executive event planner and former softcore porn star..."
Alicia: "Here we go. Drama. Three..."
Swift: "... Whom you've been sexually harassing forever..."
Colin: "Two..."
Swift: "...AND THIS IS YOUR BABY!"
Kal-El: "There it is."
CREDITS; LOCKHART & ASSOC
Alicia: "So $1.2M for the place, fine. And now that I'm already woozy, what about the extra shit you're going to gouge me on?"
Mr. Pedrano: "What are you talking about? Just kidding. You can expect to pay $35,000 for a parking space, and $2000 a month on the HOA."
Alicia: "Cool, so I'm just going to vomit real quick and then I'll call you back."
Okay, obviously Colin lost the proxy vote, and by the law he has to liquidate his Herald shares in 72 hours. So we have to get an injunction in that time against the results, which means proving that Swift is lying, and that the whole thing was about throwing off the vote.
David Lee: "Proving that the sexual harrassment is a lie, specifically, the only proof for which is paternity, so I'm getting a paternity test."
Caitlin: "And then if we can prove Drescher was behind this nefarious plot, they'll re-run the CEO vote without him, and Colin will win. I'm going to court today..."
Will: "-- Not offering legal advice or anything, but I thought I heard that Alicia was going with you?"
Alicia: "Yup. Thanks."
Caitlin: "Aw, nuts."
David Lee: "Sweetheart, you're doing great."
Diane: "Let's talk again about the rules of Will's suspension some more, and if the constant exhaustive conversations about it in this episode -- hilarious, considering he was gone for about a third of an episode in total -- don't cover it, come to me and I'll clear you to talk to him. Meantime, Caitlin my dear, what does Sweeney say about all this?"
Caitlin: "He only talks to Alicia. They're like besties..."
Alicia: "-- I'll field this one, youngster. These kids today, with their not knowing things they don't know. I tell ya. Anyway, he says he never touched her."
Diane: "We believe him?"
Alicia: "I mean, she popped up at this..."
Diane: "True. Okay, go for it ladies."
Caitlin: "How will I gain the trust and admiration of that authority figure, when my mentor keeps hounding me like this?"
Alicia: "How can I get Caitlin under control before she screws me over with Diane? I've got to find a home for my kids."
Caitlin: "It's just so hard to prove what a hard worker you are, when they keep doing the hard work for you!"
Alicia: "I'll be goddamned if I let somebody with my exact same advantages use them the way I did."
Kalinda: "I'll track down the connection, but Alicia? Watch out for her. My nose for secrets tells me she's got secrets."
Alicia: "Please don't feed into my paranoia. She's just hungry."
Kalinda: "Like pirahna hungry. You can't trust women. Only me. You need friends. Friends that are women. Not her."
Alicia: "I'll act super sketchy and paranoid around her, then. I was going to anyway."
It's hurtful to characterize it that way, but knowing what we know by the end -- how the Danger Of Caitlin has been a collection of red herrings and shadows from the start that say more about Alicia, and us, than they do about Caitlin -- this scene is only there as another red herring. More grist for the case we're building against her, because Kalinda is infallible; never moreso than when it's about survival. And that's the tricky part:
It could be anybody saying it, but it's Kalinda, which -- in the overarching theory that this entire episode is about the mistrust of other women -- seems telling. She's an opportunist, and maybe she doesn't even know it. She's probably just being protective as usual, but the mystique of being Kalinda is that you can never do anything simply out of kindness. And as painful as that is, it's also true: The agenda's there regardless. Less trust for Caitlin, regrettably, means more trust for Kalinda -- and so using this setup, this lady/girl misogynistic setup, does that make Kalinda a misogynist? Feminism is a lot harder, and a lot more rewarding, when you hold women accountable as adults.
STATE'S ATTY DEPT HEADS
Peter: "Find out who fucked on my couch. The rules are very clear about fraternization."
Cary: "I'll be coordinating the witch hunt."
Forgotten ASA of Color Geneva Pine: "Um, you're investigating fraternization? You?"
Cary: "If you've got something to say..."
Forgotten ASA of Color Geneva Pine: "Just said it, you ridiculous underwear model."
SWEENEY TESTIMONY
Colin Sweeney: "Well of course I love sex, don't you?"
Judge Bebe Neuwirth: "That thing you do where you're unbelievably gross all the time? Don't do that."
Alicia: "Did you sleep with that lady?"
Colin, verbatim: "No. She's not to my taste. Much too obvious."
Colin: "Essentially, I hired Isobel as a Fredo/Geisha, to entertain clients, and then when Drescher took over I fired her -- cleaning house, the gentlemanly thing to do -- but Drescher re-hired her as a contractor..."
Dr. Ellis Grey, Atty At Law: "Spurious feminist declaration of linguistic oppression, referring to 'Mr. Drescher' and 'Mr. Sweeney' but calling Miss Swift 'Isobel'!"
Alicia: "You old hag, stop trying to play defense with the female authority figure. We're all women here. When you do that, you have to make it count or else you're just whoring us all out. Like prostitutes, or women who use birth control."
Judge Bebe Neuwirth: "I mean, it was a valid point, but do you think you could stop being bitches long enough to get back to this injunction. Is everybody on the rag today, or what?"
Colin: "...I imagine he was impressed by Ms. Swift's tremendous work in softcore movies..."
Everybody: "Jesus Christ! Stop it."
Colin: "...I was surprised that Gerald kept her on. 'Gerald' is, of course, 'Mr. Drescher' over there."
Heh heh. I didn't even notice that whole thing the first time through. Think maybe I'm onto something.
EVANSTON
Kalinda: "So I have these two dinner receipts, of the same amount, for Gerald and Isobel. Meaning they had dinner and split the bill. Proving she is a trollop."
Super Creepy Waitress: "I've seen them together, but I mean, she's a CEO Slut."
Kalinda: "First of all, don't talk about other women that way. And second of all, what the fuck is that even?"
Wicked Creepy Waitress: "She's always hanging on the CEOs... Like that other guy..."
Kalinda: "Don't say it don't say it don't say it..."
Incredibly Creepy Waitress: "Uh, Colin Sweeney! That guy who killed his wife."
Kalinda: "Ugh. Fine. What happened?"
Manic Creepy Waitress: "They fucked in the men's room! What a total whore!"
LOCKHART & ASSOC
Colin: "Fine. She blew me. But it was before I hired her, and I didn't sexually harass her..."
Alicia: "Dude, you perjured yourself. You said you never had sex."
Colin: "It wasn't real sex! Just a blowjob."
Alicia: "Don't you know how damaging it is culturally to privilege penetrative vaginal sex over other forms of sex? Do you not understand that this primary definition of sex was created and perpetuated purely to keep women's sexuality under control until they were sold to their husbands?"
Colin: "Okay, Vassar. I'm just saying I didn't perjure myself. I got five blowjobs, they were nothing special..."
Alicia: "Oh my God, you got her pregnant. That's where this ends. You're going to be weird and gross and scary and eventually you're going to say, 'Oh, Mrs. Florrick, did I forget to mention that I impregnated her' and then I am going to clock you. Just slap your face."
Colin: "No. Yes. No. Maybe!"
GARDNER
Alicia: "Hey Will, you know how you're not allowed to give legal advice?"
Conclusion, after another pale Sorkin conversation that's mostly moving parts: You can't build on the perjured testimony without suborning it, but you can treat it as it is, which is on the record. As long as the opposition doesn't call him back to the stand, because then you're heading into another round which is going to mean eliciting further perjured testimony, unless you pull some gonzo Peter MacNicol move to redirect it, which Alicia would never do for pretty much the same reasons she needed Will to talk this out with her.
STATE'S ATTY
Gay ASA of Color Jeremy: "I didn't go into Peter's office that night!"
Cary: "I have proof that you did."
Gay ASA of Color Jeremy: "Well, we didn't do anything wrong."
Cary: "Other than having gay sex on your boss's couch?"
Gay ASA of Color Jeremy: "Okay, what's going to happen to me?"
Cary: "I don't think anything will, or maybe you'll be fired. Let's pretend I said it's going to be okay, and you give me all the deets."
SWIFT TESTIMONY
Isobel: "We met in eight hotel rooms and had vaginal intercourse. Sometimes in the backdoor, but that doesn't count. This was while I was working for Herald Equity. The last time, I resisted him. Then I got fired."
Dr. Ellis Grey, Esq.: "Thank you, Ms. Swift."
Alicia: "So, Isobel..."
This is, I think, the point in the episode where Alicia Florrick loses her goddamn mind. It's like somebody put the idea of this subtle misogynist agenda into her head, and she thought, "I could win a case with this! In fact, they will never see it coming, so I'm going to use sexism against all my enemies! Gender quisling!"
Alicia: "So, Isobel. As was decided in my last scene with Will Gardner, I will say the following words very specifically. Mr. Sweeney testified that you never had sex."
Ms. Swift: "He's lying."
Alicia: "That's your big argument? He said she said? Women, man..."
Ms. Swift: "No! You're making me look unstable and unsure! He's lying!"
Alicia: "You tell me, you're the porn star."
Dr. Ellis Grey, Esq.: "Uh, can we please have Colin back on the stand?"
Alicia: "Oh, shit. Um, how about I protest that based on the fact that this isn't a full trial, just a request for emergency injunction?"
Judge Bebe Neuwirth: "Sure, but she's just asking for a recall of a witness who's sitting right there. It's fine. See you tomorrow."
And what sucks is that Ms. Swift is lying. But because Colin decided to say things in a certain way, we're going for another round, where Alicia can't ask any questions about this and the opposition is probably going to get him to lie further. Or who knows, say something even more dreadful just out of sheer bloody-minded freakiness.
REAL ESTATE
Incredibly Rude Real Estate Agent: "This is the best I can do, for your budget and in a neighborhood close to that private school David Lee insisted you pay for."
Alicia: "It's pretty steep."
IRREA: "There's more opening up in the summer, but you'll be homeless in 90 days... Although I do have one very fucked up thing on the table."
Alicia: "Great, what is it."
IRREA: "Remember your old house in Highland Park where you raised your children and your husband cheated on you with prostitutes and ruined your entire life?"
Alicia: "No. Weird."
IRREA: "OR IS IT?"
Alicia: "...Yeah, no. That's weird."
IRREA, verbatim: "Maybe we're all like salmon, just trying to swim upstream to get back to our homes again..."
Alicia: "Maybe not. Maybe we realize that would be nice, but we're grownups. If you'll excuse me, my phone is ringing."
IRREA: "By all means, answer it. Again."
Diane: "Caitlin already filled me in, so don't bother blathering about it. I just wanted to say I love her idea."
Alicia: "Her idea? What fuckin' idea was that, pray tell?"
Diane: "To prep Sweeney on the ethical line he has to walk to avoid further perjury."
Alicia: "Did she tell you this while you were out shopping for shoes? Are you going to adopt her and call her Justice and make her breakfast every morning?"
Diane: "Very droll. Have her keep me up to date. She's got good instincts for a first-year, huh?"
Alicia: "I bet you don't even remember my good instincts from when I was a first-year. You don't even love me! You never did!"
LOCKHART & ASSOC
Essentially, since it's now his word against hers -- thanks, Alicia -- they specifically cannot advise him to be a bastard on the stand, or do things like disputing her true-but-uncorroborated statements, or attacking her credibility every chance he gets.
Colin: "Yes, I appreciate your not advising me to do those things."
Alicia: "Your ethics ping on the weirdest shit. So then when I redirect, I want you to let me drive, okay? Actually answer my questions honestly and truthfully. That's the only way I can question you. If you can't do that, you will sink us and I will have to leave the case."
Colin: "Well, I certainly won't be doing that. Like I do every time I'm on this show."
David Lee: "This is going to be a shitshow."
ALICIA CONTINUES TO LOSE IT
Alicia: "Caitlin, can I scream at you crazily for a minute?"
Caitlin: "Sure! I really look up to you and appreciate your advice and wise counsel. Just let me hide this secret stuff."
Alicia: "Honey, Sweetie, Darling, are you listening? Because I'm gonna need you to never fuck me over again, okay?"
Caitlin: "Um..."
Alicia: "You told Diane it was your idea to prep Colin Sweeney for the recall and redirect!"
Caitlin: "First of all, that's what we would obviously be doing. Sorkin strikes again -- unless you being hysterical about something small is part of the point. And but also, I didn't even do that. I just told her what was up when she asked."
Alicia: "I know your game, missy. But because I'm Alicia Florrick, I'm going to warn you several more times with an almost indetectable threat in my voice to never, ever undercut me again. Because I will fuck you up, sweetheart."
Caitlin: "Alicia, you are going a really wrong way with this. I know the difference between my innocent act and my actual innocence, and this is a case of the latter..."
Alicia: "-- Bup bup bup. No excuses. Just fall in line, okay?"
Caitlin: "...Sure thing. And thanks for helping me make up my mind about some stuff."
I knew it would be ugly, last week when she deployed Caitlin against Nancy Crozier it was clear Alicia was heading somewhere awful, but man. They put this together so beautifully. Every episode since she showed up there's been at least one questionable glance, one resentful smirk, one little mistake, one quick answer, and it was all leading up to this: The day that Alicia finally figured out sexism isn't a person, it's a force that bears down on all of us.
Because that's what made it clearer, for me at least, once I started worrying about the thought you don't think. If feminism and paranoia aren't mutually exclusive, then how do you know? How do you know what you don't know? First you have to take apart the idea of sexism: It's not men vs. women, it's patriarchy vs. everybody. And the wars that we fight are about the tools we're given to fight with, and whether or not we're allowed to use them in a given case. Getting her head tied up in this, letting her insecurities in other areas and the general instability of the place filter into her dealings with Caitlin, is a perfect example: This is Alicia Florrick, Alicia who is better than this, flexing the wrong muscles, at the wrong time, against the wrong enemy.
She has no way of knowing she's doing any of that, because if Caitlin were the cliche she thinks she is, it would be smart to do. And because there's the generational telescoping effect of mentoring here, women training women to swim with sharks, there's also a very real threat of somebody interrupting that line. If Caitlin betrays it, then all three women lose power, and right now in Alicia's life that can't be allowed to happen. But what made you go there, really? And what if you're wrong? Then you're an agent of sexism.
You let them get in your head.
SWEENEY TESTIMONY #2
Colin: "I also went to that restaurant in Evanston with Ms. Swift, several times, to discuss executive event planning things."
Ellis: "You couldn't find a restaurant in Chicago, you had to drive twenty miles from your office."
Colin: "Don't let the awful waitresses fool you, they do a mean coq au vin."
Ellis: "Okay, did she blow you at the Evanston Tavern?"
Alicia: "STOP! OBJECTION! RELEVANCE!"
Ellis: "Um, it's totally relevant. This is about sexual harrassment. He was her boss, she didn't fuck him, she got fired."
Colin: "I did not engage in oral sex with Ms. Swift."
Even then, maybe he's not perjuring himself. There's a whole subject/verb agreement thing there that might pass muster.
Alicia: "Okay, how about some random facts. Prior to Ms. Swift's allegations, no one had ever accused you of having a sexual relationship with an employee? And at the time, no one ever accused you of having a sexual relationship with Ms. Swift?"
Colin: "True and true."
Alicia: "Good, then we're done here."
Colin: "Nope! I also want to say that I didn't have oral sex with that woman, or any sex, or know what the word is means, or anything like that, because I had a skin condition that prohibited me from getting blowjobs."
Alicia: "Your Honor, pursuant to the Code of Professional Responsibility, I have no further questions at this time. Fuckin' hell."
STATE'S ATTY
Cary: "They feel really bad. One of them is the other's direct supervisor, though."
Peter: "Works under him, you might say."
Cary: "Sir, disciplining two gay men for having gay sex is gonna look bad. Like how we keep firing black people."
Peter: "It's not that they're gay, or that they're having gay sex, or even that it was on my couch. It's because the rules are rules. Zero tolerance for sex in the office, and even zeroer tolerance when it's a supervisory thing."
Cary: "...Guess I shoulda gotten dumped by Dana before I was her boss, then."
LOCKHART & ASSOC
Ms. Sharma: "Good news! Gerald's been paying off Ms. Swift from a shell company in the Caymans."
David Lee: "Bad news! It's totally his kid!"
Colin: "For the last time, I did not sleep with that woman!"For The Record: That's now at least two too many Clinton jokes. It's 2012 for God's sake.
Diane: "I cannot sell immaculate conception in court."
David Lee: "No way, this actually happens all the time. Women blow you, and then spit the semen into a turkey baster, and then inseminate themselves immediately after..."
Alicia: "Oh my God. Stop. Please."
Colin: "Well, that's probably what happened then. Women, I tell ya."
Diane: "Okay, team. Let's set back the women's movement fifty years and plead contraceptive fraud. With the payoff from Gerald, that makes Ms. Swift a giant baby-making whore, like all women are, and we won't even need the injunction because they'll just repeat the election without Gerald anyway."
Alicia: "I feel good about the work we do."
David Lee: "Alicia? Sweetie, honey, darling? Are you listening? Because I am about to fuck you up for ruining my niece's life. Your Mean Girl tactics and woman-hating jealousy have finally driven her from the firm."
Alicia: "Plausible deniability!"
David Lee: "Everybody knows women can't get along. They always fight."
Alicia: "That's just a lie they tell us so we won't team up and start a riot."
David Lee: "Nevertheless, we are enemies now."
Alicia: "As opposed to last week, when I fired you for putting me on blast, and you gave me this same speech. Or when we hired Caitlin, and you nearly shattered my office walls giving me this same speech. Or any of the other million times you've been a dick to me since the day that girl showed up."
David Lee: "Women! Crabs in a barrel."
DEPUTY SA'S OFC
Righteous ASA of Color, Geneva Pine: "Let me get this straight. You bitches fired Wendy Scott-Carr, black. Demotes Dana, black, to get an old white guy in here. Fired Jeremy -- black and gay -- just for getting sodomized in his office. Promotes you, a five-year-old white child with a smile that could kill a person, over Matan, black. Over me. Black. I'm talking about three ASAs, each with double or triple your experience and seniority, and just one thing uniting us. The color of our skin."
Cary: "On the one hand, Jacob brought this up last week so clearly there's a pattern developing, even if I can't see it. Second of all, all of the woman I have sex with are women of color, so I think I get a pass on that one. And third of all, paranoia is not mutually exclusive from..."
Completely Correct ASA of Color, Geneva Pine: "No third of all! No second of all, you unbelievable douchebag! You slept with Dana Lodge while you were her supervisor, and then demoted her! You are Patient Zero Minus One of zero tolerance!"
Cary: "Look, just go tell him then. Tell him what I did."
Geneva Pine FTW: "You know what? How about you tell him? Because if you don't, you're disgusting. And if you do, he's not going to do anything, and then you're both disgusting."
Cary: "..."
Pine: "Yeah. That's what I thought. That's who you are now."
QUITE A PICKLE
Kids: "Hey Mom, that realtor brought over the brochure on our old house in Highland Park. I guess just to fuck with you."
Alicia: "Yeah, she sucks. I don't know why I use her. Anyway, put that away."
Grace, pointing: "Do you see they still have the old swing there?"
Alicia's most perfectly delivered line of the night: "You broke your leg on that swing, that swing almost killed you." Just bored and distracted and tired of Grace and tired of their romance of their past life, the whole bit. That divergent place where pleasing them and taking care of them is not the same thing; how hard it is, as a parent, to tell the difference. Their faces are all lit up.
Grace: "I just... I remember Dad pushing me on it."
Alicia: "You remember him being a good dad when you look at that swing, I just see him fucking whores on it."
We're not really talking about a swing anymore, are we.
I broke my leg on that swing. That swing almost killed me.
MOMMY COLD WARS
Alicia joins Caitlin in Diane's office, where she's just given notice. Alicia feels unbelievably gross, but not as gross as she's about to.
Alicia: "Weren't you liking it here? You seemed to be getting along just fucking fine, from where I'm standing."
Caitlin: "Everybody's been great -- even you -- but this isn't really about that. I'm pregnant and I'm getting married."
Alicia and Diane stare across the desk at each other with a very complicated look that you already know what it is.
This idea of the whole thing, women being people, it's still so new. Your grandmother didn't have conversations about Family Leave or family planning -- she didn't even have a job, and abortion was a dirty word. It is a tremendously new world, still shivering, that our mothers got for us. Turn on the TV and you've got people straight-facedly talking about birth control as though it were some just-invented witchcraft. Cents on the dollar is still a reality. It's a glycerine bubble is how new it is. And it is beautiful, and it's delicate and precious. But it's not going away, either.
And then you have the old soldiers who know the world they fought in, not the world they made. If a woman of Diane's age and distinction dropped out to be married, you'd probably say she earned it. When Alicia did it, it was in even younger world. She hates herself now, for it, because of what it retroactively said about her but mostly because of what it meant to start at LSG as a forty-something first-year: This, now, is the world she fought in. She has more reason than a first-waver to see this as a betrayal, because she reinvented the wheel three years ago -- she told the feminist narrative for herself, one step at a time. She was a one-woman army, figuring out all the things this means, always running behind, up against Cary, up against Nancy Crozier. Up against technology, that Caitlin swims in like she was born to it.
The reason for this is that Caitlin was born to it. The hardest thing in the world is explaining to your saviors that you get it, because they will never think you get it. You're standing on the shoulders of giants, and you know it; they just feel somebody stepping on them. But didn't you create this world, just for this? Weren't you the heralds of our equity? Didn't you fight so we could change shape, just like this?
Diane: "I tried to tell her. I explained how supportive the firm can be in situations like these. We have a generous maternity leave package, and child care, telecommuting options..."
Caitlin: "I get it. You will never understand this, and it's not your job to understand this, but I get it. I want to be..."
Alicia: "What, Caitlin? You can be anything you want to be."
Caitlin: "A mom. I want to be a mom."
Alicia Cavanaugh pulled down more billable hours in her first year as a first-year than any other attorney in her firm. But she changed her name, and she changed shape, and she left for Highland Park. And fifteen years later, she left Highland Park.
The second Caitlin stopped being her enemy, Alicia became her mentor again. The thread isn't unbroken yet. And if I know Alicia, she's going to go to Caitlin, and she's going to talk to her. She's not going to pull out all the stops, she's not going to try her own biography. She's going to talk to her the way Alicia talks to people, which is to say she's going to listen. And if I know Caitlin, she's going to explain it, and they're going to agree. And they'll both change shape again.
DUBIOUS GIFTS
(There ensues a long, perfectly gross discussion of whether ejaculate is a "gift" and whether semen is "abandoned property" and whether -- even if the turkey-baster thing is true, which it seems like it is, which is worse somehow -- contraceptive fraud is at issue. Judge Bebe Neuwirth allows them to make the argument, with disgust noted, and reminds them that the burden of proof remains on Mr. Sweeney for this claim. Which is still a long way from boxing out Gerald Drescher as CEO of Herald Equity.)
SWIFT TESTIMONY #2
Isobel: "Yeah, Gerald paid me for my job. I didn't check the origin of the payments, just cashed the checks."
Caitlin: "Without any expectation of a quid pro quo?"
Isobel: "I'm just a porn star, I don't know your fancy talk."
Caitlin: "Right. No trade-offs, no further expectations?"
Isobel: "Nope."
Caitlin: "And your testimony, Isobel -- Ms. Swift -- has been that you had consensual sex with my client, which resulted in the child."
Ms. Swift: "Yes."
Caitlin: "Okay then how come you took this class on artificial insemination at the Kenwood Learning Center in February 2008, right before the blowjobs started?"
Ms. Swift: "..."
Caitlin: "Do you need a moment, Ms. Swift?"
Alicia: "My God, she's magnificent. Lockhart and Associates desperately needs this litigatory light among our ranks."
Ms. Swift: "Um..."
Caitlin: "And did you ask the teacher of that class how long sperm could survive in a turkey baster?"
Ellis: "Objection! Hearsay!"
Judge Bebe: "No, she did it right. She didn't ask what the teacher said, just whether she asked the question."
Ms. Swift: "I have no idea. I don't remember."
Ellis: "Per Alicia's earlier conversation in this episode, I am going to say these specific words. Ms. Swift, for the record, you never had any quid pro quo with -- or, trade-offs -- with Mr. Drescher?"
Ms. Swift: "No, I never did."
Ellis: "Thank you, moving on..."
Ms. Swift: "...And I gotta say this, now that you're calling me a liar! I never asked nobody about a turkey baster!"
Ellis: "...Oh dear."
Judge Bebe: "Counselor?"
Ellis: "Actually, Your Honor, pursuant to the Code of Professional Responsibility, I have no further questions."
Alicia: "Oh no she didn't! That was amazing!"
Colin & Isobel -- Mr. Sweeney and Ms. Swift -- share a very specific, very creepy, very pleased look. And here I was wondering why they wasted Morena Baccarin on this fairly minor character, but no. They both sunk the testimony in the exact same way, playing their attorneys the way Sweeney always does, and ended up bringing the whole injunction to a halt because neither of their attorneys can ask any more questions. Lockhart's case rested on making Isobel the villain of the piece, but Sweeney and Swift played their way out of it. Because if she's on his side, then she can attest to whatever they want and get Gerald precluded from the vote, within the structure of this case as it's been built, by both sides.
Right? Am I reading this right? Because then that means they don't need the injunction because all Swift has to do is say Gerald paid her to pull this turkey baster nonsense story -- and it doesn't matter if it's true, or whether they had eighty different kinds of sex in every part of the Evanston Tavern, or what happens . Frankly the idea of them returning as a creepster twosome is so delicious -- and you know Morena Baccarin can do anything and sell it, from Sacred Hetaira to Army Wife to Lizard Queen -- that I find myself hoping they can make it work. I'd hate to see him lose another wife or girlfriend or babymama or whatever. Especially now that they're going to be such a successful executive couple.
PROOF
Alicia: "You did great today, Caitlin! Really great."
Caitlin: "You don't have to be nice. I'm fine."
Alicia: "Wow, I really fucked up. Gosh. I don't even know what to say."
Caitlin: "I'm just doing wedding invitations. That's the secret stuff I was hiding from you before. It wasn't Rita Wilson's business card or a list of David Lee's enemies or anything like that."
Alicia: "Listen, I was an asshole to you earlier..."
Caitlin: "Rosy glow in my rear window, sweetie. I actually really like you. Don't stress."
Alicia: "No I mean like I was awful. I just... Being here, at this law firm, at this particular time, without any friends whatsoever except Diane who like barely likes me, finding out I was a Caitlin, questioning everything I'm about... I just lost track. I was one of the barfing, fucking rat people for a second. I thought the thought you don't think."
Caitlin: "Seriously, don't worry about it. You're great!"
Alicia: "Well, I am also here to question your choices."
Caitlin: "Lay it on me, babe."
And the thing is, the Mommy Wars conversation has to change shape too, because it doesn't even make sense anymore. Like Diane said, we've all changed shape. And yes, I guess it's a little ouch to see somebody throwing away the thing that you bled and bleed for, I guess that's a sharp pain at privilege that doesn't go away. But what's always struck me about the Mommy Wars conversation is that it's built on the faulty premise that people don't get pregnant -- women do. And I mean, that's obviously what the whole contraceptive-rights bullshit pretend argument this winter has been about, just like gay marriage made me your political football two years ago, but it's still pretty fascinating to think about that:
About a world where Family Leave isn't just this Title IX concession, and it's not that you hire Marthas over Caitlins because of the ROI, and people leave work to have babies and come back to work when they feel like it. Where you don't ever have to look at the unfair cold equations of hiring a man over a woman because never once in history has a man pulled this shit, because pregnancy and parenting are things that happen to everybody, instead of just people who don't count. Imagine that world, where pregnancy and parenthood are a thing that happens. A regular, normal, everyday thing that happens. To people.
Alicia: "You are a tremendous lawyer. One of the most subtle people working, and I love working with you. Your insight and your... And you were so good in court, you really pummelled that woman into admitting what a whore she is..."
Caitlin: "Thank you."
Alicia: "You cannot give this up for a man. He will cheat on you with prostitutes that are getting paid twice in an elaborate frame job by Glen Childs."
Caitlin: "I'm going to say this, and I need you to hear me. Verbatim. I'm not giving it up for my fiancé. I'm giving it up for myself. I like the law, but I love my fiancé."
Alicia: "But you don't need to choose! There's no reason why you can't work, be a wife, and a mother..."
Caitlin: "But I want to choose. Maybe it's different for my generation, but... I don't have to prove anything. Or if I have to, I don't want to."
Truer words. We're just as competitive as you are when it comes to self-labeling, but without the nihilism behind it. Gen X hates things, or loves them ironically; Gen X collects. Gen Y curates. It's all there, everything all the time. And I like especially how she didn't connect the dots about "my generation" and the way Alicia could hear it, in terms of the unbreakable thread or the generational telescoping of mentors or any of that. Just, this is what we are like, and I don't necessarily need to explain to you what that means for you:
"I'm in love."
Caitlin thanks her, and picks up her wedding announcements, and leaves. Off into the new world. Into the new shape.
Alicia: "I'm sorry I wasn't a great mentor, Caitlin..."
Caitlin: "You were a great mentor. Thank you."
And the thing is that she was. But this story -- this show -- isn't about teaching Caitlin. It's about teaching Alicia.
SWEENEY POST-MORTEM
They're sitting at a long table when Colin Sweeney arrives, with his son Stanton in tow. And can I just say, I noticed it at the beginning of the hour, and I'm aware that I am baby crazy at this point in time, but seriously this is maybe the most beautiful child in the entire universe. It's like him, and then the little girl from Raising Hope, and then everybody else. He's like a pint-size Don Grady, I don't know where they got him.
Actually, I know exactly where they got him. They brought the kid into the casting office and whoever was standing there got one look and was like, "Yep. Yeah. Yes, we will be employing that child. Here is some money. Don't go anywhere."
Colin: "So yeah, here's the affidavit my new friend Isobel has signed that says Gerald paid her to steal my blowjob sperm and impregnate herself with this beautiful kid right here, so now we are incredibly rich."
David Lee: "Cool, and meanwhile we have our 5%. A $20 million stake in a publicly offered company. So we're good."
(Are we good? Is that the end of the interminably come-and-go "Lockhart is drying up" story that never seems to count until it does? Because I kind of liked watching Diane scramble on that stuff because she's so good at it.)
Alicia: "And now the two of you are raising a kid? I mean, I'm glad the two of you have reached an amicable arrangement. But are you sure you're ready for this?"
She cares, ha. I mean, she cares always, but I love it when she worries about how far Colin Sweeney is capable of going.
Mr. Sweeney: "What, being a dad? Oh, sure. How hard could it be? I'll call if I need any child-rearing advice, hmm?"
Creepy motherfucker probably would, too.
STATE'S ATTY
Peter: "So, everything's squared away?"
Cary: "Not exactly. Sir, per your request that I notify you of all violations of the anti-fraternization policy, and in the spirit of full disclosure..."
Peter: "Stop right there. We found the witch. Just let it go."
Cary: "Nope! I dated Dana Lodge."
Peter: "Timeframe?"
Cary: "Broke up after I demoted her, by about a millisecond."
Peter: "Okay, well, thanks for telling me."
Cary: "Cool, I'll justnnnngah no, can't do it. Sir, they are onto us. That thing we're not doing? They noticed we're doing it. You have to punish me."
Peter: "Cute. Yeah, you're a good guy. Whatever."
Cary: "No, I mean like you have to. Geneva Pine."
Peter: "Enough said. What do I do? You're not resigning."
Cary: "Temporary leave? Forced hiatus?"
Peter: "Right, like the kind where you just come in to work every day and offer legal advice on matters of public interest and still get paid. Nice."
Cary: "No! What is this, Lockhart & Associates?"
LOCKHART & ASSOCIATES
Alicia: "...No, there wasn't anything she didn't get. She's fine."
Diane: "Come on, was the glass ceiling broken for this?"
Alicia: "With respect, yes. Yes it was."
Diane: "She'll be back. Like you. Give her fifteen years."
Alicia: "No, I really don't think so."
Diane: "Well. You still want to talk salary?"
UPSTREAM
She walks past the tree, past the swing where Grace broke her leg. There's cookies in the oven, or cinnamon on the stove. Open house group touring in the den, to the practiced rhythms of real estate patter. She wanted to talk salary so she wouldn't have to come here; she wanted to talk salary so she could.
Upstairs against the current there's a bedroom that never saw a fight. Hospital corners. It smells clean. In the closet, they're still marked, Grace and Zach, leapfrogging, all the way up the wall. Every year, every surge, every broken leg and skinned knee. And there at the top, Mom. And Dad. She reaches out to touch the names, all that history, and that's when she realizes that she never should have come. Alicia Florrick slams the closet door, crying, and Alicia Florrick leaves home once again.
Quite a day. Still growing.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.