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Oh my God, what an hour of television. Definitely the best episode of the year, and quite an emotional ride as well.
Eli takes his David Lee fight to the level, commandeering his niece Caitlin into performing scut work while he tries to get a job working for a Chicago gay defamation league. Of course, Caitlin uses blogs and twitter and whatever to figure out the whole deal, and gets on his good side -- but not before Eli and Amy Sedaris's Stacie Hall find themselves in a hilarious Postman Always Rings Twice game of sexual chicken that ends with some seriously effed up-looking hair and a new revelation: Stacie is going to be running Eli's ex-wife's campaign for governor. So that's a bunch of shoes dropping at once.
Meanwhile, it's Indictment Day. Wendy brings in some of the major players for the Grand Jury -- whom we know, and are reminded several times, always indict -- but, thanks to the long-term strategies of Will and Kalinda that you knew had to be going on, Wendy eventually goes shit-nuts. It's stuff like, the emails in the file Kalinda slipped Dana were falsified to give them false leads in questioning -- which earns Kalinda a hard slap in the face from Dana -- and another setup where Andrew Wiley photographs Will handing Judge Parks an envelope full of money... For UNICEF.
Anyway, Wendy effectively loses her mind and calls Alicia to testify to the various stuff Cary has told her about Alicia and Will. It's damning... But not as damning as the conversation Peter has with Alicia where she basically asks him to call this off, he admits that it's totally personal and he just wants to hurt Will, and then -- worst of all -- Alicia confesses to having always turned a blind eye to Peter's shit because she was selfish. Like she actually says, "The problem wasn't that you were doing terrible things, it was that you did them in a way that hurt our family." It's a gut-punch, especially with the impression you get that she didn't really know that about herself, either, until she said it.
After some really gross questioning about her sexual morals, Alicia tells Wendy (and, tacitly, poor Cary) to go fuck themselves, and wanders off in contempt of court. Realizing that the indictment will make the transcripts -- in which she just admitting to sleeping with Will -- public, she rushes home to confess her sins to the kids.
...But the Grand Jury, confused by a brilliant Elsbeth strategy of tossing Peter's name around so often and with regard to every question, begins to think that somehow the State's Attorney is the guilty one, and tries to indict him instead. It's pretty adorable. So just in time, Kalinda calls Alicia and tells her the indictment is off, everything's going to be fine, and Alicia gives her just the tiniest bit of love in return. It's sweet, Will and Diane dance together, Elsbeth is adorable, and even Kalinda cracks a fraction of a smile.
But in the State's Attorney's office, things are not so rosy. Between Dana's fuck-up with Kalinda and the fake McDermott file, the conversation with Alicia about the real facts of this case, Cary's total shame at being used against Alicia, and the fact that ultimately Wendy crossed a line by even calling her, Peter fires Wendy and that's the end of that.
All good? Not really, considering that Wendy Scott-Carr is still out of her goddamn mind and will now be reporting Will to the Bar Association in hopes that they'll Lifeguard him to death to protect their judges. It's a master stroke, and one that we'll see play out in three weeks, February 19, when the show comes back and Will must stop practicing law... And start playing baseball with some fools' heads, from what the trailers suggest.
I am, even more than usual, profoundly grateful to have this story in my life. I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did, and we'll see you in three weeks.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Assistant US Attorney and Special Prosecutor Wendy Scott-Carr was, and ever is, the worst. She's after Will, possibly all of Lockhart, Gardner, possibly Peter Florrick, possibly she aims to bring about the Apocalypse, or what some call Ragnarok, the Twilight Of The Gods. Today, her Grand Jury is finally empanelled.
Peter's good wife and Wendy's opposite number, Alicia Florrick, broke up with her boyfriend and worried ceaselessly about how sucky her daughter is. Oh, and Amy Sedaris drew Eli Cummings's ire in a high-stakes competition for the love of Corn, resulting in a Gnome Battle the likes of which we haven't seen since Elsbeth Tascioni last went looking for an intern.
NOW
Grand Jurors grandly sketch a variety of things while Wendy Scott-Carr tells them how to indict a ham sandwich named William Hall Gardner, because nobody knows how a Grand Jury works: There's no defense, just the presentation of evidence, after which the Grand Jurors will grandly indict him, because that's how the world works, and in fact the only person in history to slip the ham sandwich indictment is the cunning Kalinda Sharma.
LOCKHART
Diane: "Alicia, I have some stuff to tell you about the indictment coming up."
Alicia: "Judicial bribery? I don't know anything about this storyline."
Diane: "Let me explain it to you for a long time. Basketball games, felony bribery."
Alicia: "This is coming from Wendy? Or from Peter? Because either it's totally my fault, or mostly my fault."
Diane, verbatim: "Both, I should think."
Alicia: "Then that means it's entirely my fault? I hate guilt."
Diane: "Don't feel guilty or responsible for this. Actually, responsibility is the wrong word because it implies an accountability we've never actually put on you. To be completely honest, we don't consider you as somebody related to the SA's office and you don't act like one, so do whatever you're going to do. That was code."
Alicia: "Always with the code talk from this one."
Caitlin: "Mrs. Florrick, can I stay far away from this bullshit?"
Alicia: "Yeah, go help Eli with his incoming Sedaris problem. I don't want anybody to see the creepster shit I am about to pull."
STATE'S ATTY
Alicia: "That empty chair where my husband usually is... Hmm. I better get the fuck out of here, actually."
Peter: "...Alicia! Are you maybe here about my vicious dog going after your boyfriend?"
Alicia: "No, it was about your loudmouthed old bitch of a mother, I can come back."
Peter: "And yet."
COURTROOM LOBBY
Elsbeth: "I dyed my hair even crazier red this week. Like True Blood amounts. I look awesome, and I'm additionally dressed like autistic hacker Lisbeth Salander, the Woman Who Hates Men Who Hate Women."
Will: "Alicia, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about this storyline. But rest assured it's not your fault."
Alicia: "No, everything is my fault. All the time. Have we met? Anyway, I'd like to offer my services, did you know I'm an attorney?"
Elsbeth: "Alicia! I saw you in my scrying pool. Isn't it funny how we're always at Grand Jury proceedings for people that are in love with you?"
Alicia: "I'd like to help."
Elsbeth: "In what fashion?"
WILEY TESTIMONY
Andrew Wiley: "I am here wearing a Moe wig to tell you that this show grants L/G wins like they were going out of style. I'm talkin' early-season Ally McBeal amounts of verdicts."
Cary: "I'm looking particularly delectable today, the Grand Jury will note. Now Wiley, I want you to tell me some numbers."
Wiley: "95% of the time, those three judges we always talk about handed it to Will's firm. And all three of them were at the basketball games."
Elsbeth: "Ms. Lockhart! Nice to see you. Mrs. Florrick, come out of that dark corner where you're inexplicably lurking so I can remind everybody that Grand Juries always indict. They would indict a hamburger!"
Will: "Ham sandwich. In our country of Muggles we say it like that."
Elsbeth: "-- Great, so you're getting indicted. Also, Diane, I love your broach. Also, we can get Peter to pull the plug on this, so we need to focus on your boyfriend Cary Agos. This is my strategy, is that you don't worry about WSC because she doesn't defer to Peter, and Cary does... Wait, is that right?"
Will & Diane: (Stare at a magic freak.)
Elsbeth: "-- Yeah, she's her own person. Anyway..."
Diane, silently: "This bitch is crazy. Why is she your lawyer? Why are you wasting my time? What will I do if you go to jail because you hired a fairy space lawyer?"
Will, silently: "No, she's magic. Just watch her do awesome shit, okay?"
Alicia: "So then Cary will go to Peter..."
Elsbeth: "-- Right! Just keep everybody talking about Peter and that'll happen. If it looks like these proceedings will hurt him, he'll flip."
Diane: "I am calmed. For the nonce."
GLAC
Eli calls Alicia from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Of Chicago, where he has found Caitlin and not Alicia, which pisses him off. And how come? Not because she's an amazing lawyer or the only friend he has, but because Alicia is... A gay icon! Apparently. She thinks that's funnier than anybody.
Eli: "The gay blogosphere is all about your operatic romantic destruction, and they want to give me a lot of money to campaign against DOMA, and you are my spurned white lady in the hole. I can't be having some cute little blonde..."
Anna Camp, Total Gay Icon: "-- Uh..."
Alicia: "I'd love to sit there with you signing gay autographs, but trust me on this. You are a vicious monster of a PR agent, and you haven't considered the fact that Caitlin is David Lee's niece..."
Eli: "Are we finally admitting that David Lee is gay?"
Alicia: "No, just that he's the head of family law and you're talking about marriage..."
Eli: "We need to talk more, but right now I have to head-butt a tiny little Sedaris."
Gay Icon Amy Sedaris: "I! Am! Adorable!"
Eli: "Stop trying to be my friend, with your silly rounded little lapels."
Stacie Hall: "Let's have lunch! You have so much to teach me!"
Eli: "Even though you are the only person on this planet shorter than me, it would not be satisfying. Stop trying to get my job."
Stacie: "Okay, instead of lunch let's have drinks. Hot drinks! Mulled wine!"
Eli: "Whatever."
Cute Gay Receptionist: "GLAC."
Eli: "Hey, this is Stacie Hall's assistant and I was just calling to tell you that she needs to change her meeting with you around because she is meeting with Rush Limbaugh."
CGR: "Gurrrrrl..."
Eli: "I know, bitch!"
LOCKHART TESTIMONY
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Ms. Lockhart, you're aware that your partner is a scoundrel, yes?"
Diane: "Tell me what you are talking about."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Like, before you became his partner you were aware that he stole $45 grand from a client's account to pay off his Lisa Cuddy gambling debts?"
Diane, awesome: "The sum total of things of which I am aware comes from the time that you questioned me in my office, implying that State's Attorney and future governor Peter Florrick didn't have enough information to proceed with this sham."
Cary: "Did she just say my boss's name? Better stop doodling."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "You're being pretty defensive..."
Diane: "-- Uh, no. I was being clear."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "What are the basketball games like?"
Diane: "I don't go. Never been."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Aha! Why not?"
Diane: "Because I don't play basketball, you supercilious demon."
Grand Jury: "Gay icon Christine Baranski! You are awesome."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "But he has invited you, yes?"
Diane: "Yeah. He said it was a good idea so that I could meet prosecutors and judges that would matter in the long run. For example, State's Attorney and future governor Peter Florrick. Who was in those games."
Cary & Dana: "Oh shit."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Can we just say that you didn't go to the regular Wednesday game because it was a seething hotbed of corruption and malfeasance?"
Diane: "No, you jackass, it was because I don't play basketball? Like I just said?"
Grand Jurors: "We kind of hate Wendy Scott-Carr, like any rational human would."
Diane: "I think judges and lawyers playing sports is a good way to unwind. I think that State's Attorney and future governor Peter Florrick would agree, right? Or else State's Attorney and future governor Peter Florrick wouldn't have been attending the games?"
Cary & Dana: "Since we don't know that Wendy is coming after Peter, this game of Elsbeth's is making us tremendously nervous."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Okay. The McDermott case. A kid died from peanut taint? One of your clients originally, as I recall, and then Will took it over from you? But only after the case was moved to Judge Parks -- who is apparently the judge for all cases involving minors and hospital rooms in Chicago -- because he has a better relationship with that judge?"
Diane: "Oh, fuck. Yeah."
OUTSIDE, A LITTLE LATER
Diane: "Will, we need to fucking talk. What's the deal on the McDermott case? Why was she up my ass about that case exclusively? Why did we win it?"
Will: "We're good lawyers?"
Diane: "Will -- in that last scene, after we cut to this conversation -- they asked me questions about my conversations with the associates. Why would they even know about that?"
Will: "Because... Kalinda fucked me. Oh boy."
Scariest credits ever!
PARKING GARAGE
Dana: "Soooo. I don't want Alicia to get prosecuted for that waiver. I need even more from you than you've already unwisely done. The McDermott file apparently doesn't connect the dots well enough."
Kalinda: "Son of a bitch."
Dana: "It's not me, baby. It's WSC. Give me more and we'll tear up the evidence itself."
Kalinda: "Oh man."
UPSTAIRS
Elsbeth: "David Lee, you gotta smile. You're hostile and mean and awful, right? So don't make the Grand Jurors think you're how you are."
David Lee: "How creepy it would be, if I smiled and acted nice."
Elsbeth: "Hi Will, hi Kalinda. Can you guys tell me why we're suddenly getting grilled about that one specific case we were worried about? Because they seem to be very familiar with that case, like somebody was talking to them or maybe like some spurned bisexual lady was slipping information to her fake girlfriend or something so that her best friend would stop hating her?"
Kalinda: "Yeah, that sounds like something an asshole might do. I will get to the bottom of this, mark my words."
Elsbeth: "Kalinda's great!"
Will: "Sometimes."
GOLD & ASSOC
Eli: "Caitlin, keep running around so you stay out of my hair while I fight with Alicia about you."
Alicia: "Eli, are you running Caitlin around on shitty errands instead of using her, in order to act out because I hurt your feelings?"
Eli: "I am sometimes the Tracy Jordan."
Alicia, verbatim: "So who are we acting out against, Eli?"
(Nailed it! I love when that happens. I have a little Elsbeth going, I think.)
Alicia: "Are we mad at David Lee? He's pretty awful. Mad at me? The very concept of a first-year associate?"
Eli: "All of those!"
Alicia: "So get a paralegal."
Eli: "I prefer to use Caitlin in that pursuit. Now let's talk about your 'tude."
Alicia, bouncing hilariously: "Later, Eli."
Eli: "-- Alicia, I am your superior. And you are treating me the way you did when I was Peter's campaign advisor. Like an equal. And that is incorrect -- operating off wrong, outdated information -- and I think we need to reevaluate our working relationship."
Alicia, flipping the script: "Eli, you are so right. What do you need from me?"
Eli, taken aback: "...Um, I need you to help me impress Spencer Roth, head of GLAC."
Alicia: "Sure thing! Let's get started."
Holy hell, she is the best. Just the best fucking person on earth. Normally when you talk about Bad-Ass you're talking about Kalinda or whatever, but that was the most bad-ass thing. That's so Alicia. Nice As A Weapon is the spectrum that can take you to Wendy Scott-Carr, but add Completely Reasonable and you'll win every time.
DAVID LEE TESTIMONY
David Lee: Smarming it up!
Dana: "Through your creepy sweet smile, please tell me the origin of this quote we got from some profile where you said that you love Will Gardner for being as sneaky as you are."
David Lee: "Sneakily charming, is what I meant. Because I am so charming!"
Grand Jurors: Laugh nervously; goosebumps and crawling flesh.
Dana: "Aren't you just. So that's why the thing you said was The sneaky thing is to cross the ethical line, and not lose track of your client, yes?"
David Lee: "Good one, Dana. Yeah, I meant 'charming' in that way, sure. That clearly makes sense."
Dana: "And you also created Judge Parks's will and a trust for his kids, right?"
David Lee: "Freelance."
Dana: "At a discount. Maybe that's a payoff for Parks's predisposition toward L/G?"
David Lee: "Yeah, one of those real sneaky payoffs where he paid me currency in exchange for my work on his family's behalf."
Dana: "But he paid you at a discount?"
David Lee: "No, he paid me the same amount as State's Attorney and future governor Peter Florrick, I think..."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Stop doing that shit!"
OUTSIDE
David Lee: "I am awesome. But yeah, it's all about you and Judge Parks in bed together."
Steely-eyed Will heads across the hall, past Wiley's wig and into Parks's office; Wiley comes in and talks to the receptionist about his baby while taking a photo of... Will Gardner slipping Parks an envelope? What the fuck, Gardner.
HOT DRINKS
Stacie fills up their hot drinks with whipped cream and you have to watch Amy Sedaris eat, which is always unsettling.
Stacie: "So you told GLAC that I was meeting Rush Limbaugh. Nice one! I told them that our meeting was about me starting a fight with him about DOMA."
Eli: "Clever."
Stacie: "Also, I stopped swearing. Just when you think I'm going to zig, I flip it and say something like, I desire you! Everything about you, your eyes and hair, I want to take you on the floor of this restaurant."
Eli: "You know what, go for it. Chicks been freaking my brain out all day. Come at me."
Stacie: "You come at me, bro."
Eli: "No way, I'm going to sit here and you're going to come at me."
Stacie: "I can't even remember if this is real life right now."
Eli: "You're trying to pull a Sun Tzu. You know, how in The Art Of War there's apparently that chapter about giving leprechauns handjobs over a hot toddy. But Sun Tzu never fought with a Jew! I'm talking Masada. We don't play."
Stacie: "Wait, you're Jewish?"
Eli: "Nice. That was a good one."
Stacie: "I'm going to keep being weird, okay?"
Eli: "No, like with all the giggling and your weird little grandma Chanel suits and whatnot. I'm so sure."
Stacie squirts whipped cream into his palm and starts sucking it off like a Doberman Pinscher. I was wrong! Turns out there are plenty of things more unsettling than watching Amy Sedaris drink a beverage.
Eli: "Um, this is lacking in subtlety..."
Stacie, eyes crossed with furious lust, licking away: "Ooooh, tell me about Masada! Big strong Jewish warriors..."
Boner: Achieved. What a gloriously uncomfortable situation we are all in now. We are all sons of bitches now.
THE NOT-SO-GOOD WIFE
Peter: "Alicia, let's have a glass of wine and talk about how Jackie needs to quit it. What else is going on, are you doing all right?"
Alicia: "Moderately okay. I'll tell ya, though, work is pretty stressful. You know, because of the Grand Jury investigation."
Peter: "Talk about lacking in subtlety."
Alicia: "This is literally the first time I have ever tried this shit in my life, cut me a break."
Peter: "I can't talk to you about this..."
Alicia: "We need to talk about this, actually."
Peter: "This is why I brought in Wendy Scott-Carr."
Alicia: "To keep your hands clean! At the expense of..."
Peter: "Your boss Will Gardner that you are fucking?"
Alicia: "I was going to say My firm, actually. But if that's the issue, we can talk about..."
Peter, verbatim and scary: "-- OF COURSE THAT'S THE ISSUE!"
Oh my God it is all happening.
Alicia, basically honestly: "There's nothing between us."
Peter: "I used to be able to tell when you were lying. You really have changed."
Alicia: "I am not lying! Technically."
Peter: "You're manipulating the truth like a pro..."
Alicia, verbatim: "-- You'd know all about pros."
They are so hurt! They are so angry and hurt and wonderful! No wonder this season seemed like it was going so slow! This is going to be the longest break ever!
Peter: "Good one. What do you want?"
Alicia: "Stop this investigation."
Peter: "No. That's the old Peter that would make things go away in a wrong fashion."
Alicia: "Your problem was not that you did things that were wrong, your problem was doing wrong things against your family."
Say what?
Peter: "Well, Will Gardner ain't my family."
He bounces, and Alicia's like, "I can't believe I just tried that shit. I feel like when I bought that Bitcoin, only I'm the Bitcoin."
Is it weird that my first response to this is just sadness? It hurts my feelings. It's good, growing up is defined by the ability to handle complexity and the tension of opposites and to look at yourself and see and love what you really are without compromise or denial. You want that for her. This should be a happy moment, really. But without St. Alicia, like, what the fuck happens then?
Because she just said two separate things. First, the tacit admission that comes directly from having this conversation at all, which is that she's willing to leverage him and lie to him and throw Season One in his face to stop this from happening. That's pretty bad. Mayor Sheeit caught it; Cary Agos caught it. "Real's gonna change," they said. "Just watch." And she never saw it coming.
But the second thing -- the more momentous, more vertiginous, more transformative thing -- that she just said is, "I just realized that I've always been complicit." That her innocence, in retrospect, was just as leveraged as anything else. That she turned around and looked at herself and saw a liar, a good wife, somebody accountable for Peter's legal indiscretions. That she cosigned his corruption, down through the years, and that she wants him to go back to that, and never knew any of it until he came after L/G.
It's a tremendously beautiful moment; it is a sickening moment too.
PARKS TESTIMONY
Parks: (Introduces himself.)
Cary: "Thank you, sir."
Parks: "Your Honor."
Cary: "Ha! Right, Your Honor. Can we say you're a reluctant witness today?"
Parks: "Um, it's a witch hunt. You're trying to criminalize the concept of friendship."
Cary, verbatim: "Did the attorney Will Gardner ever offer you a bribe, Your Honor?"
Parks, verbatim: "...Upon the advice of counsel I am here today to assert my right under the Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination."
Cary: "Did you ever make illegal bets with Will's bookie Jonathan Meade?"
Parks, verbatim: "...Upon the advice of counsel my answer to this question, and all your questions, will be to assert my right under the Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination."
Cary: "I understand..."
Parks: "-- You don't understand a thing. You're implying something nefarious when you know damned well any judge coming in here would take the Fifth."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Your Honor, you either take the Fifth and stick to it, or leave yourself open to questions."
Cary: "Did you meet with Will Gardner yesterday?"
Parks: "...Upon the advice of counsel I continue to assert my right under the Fifth Amendment."
Cary produces a picture of Will in his office, but not I think the one with the envelope? Doesn't matter anyway, because you just guess what Parks does.
OUTSIDE
Parks: "Are you setting me up? They have a photo from yesterday! You totally led them there! If you are setting me up, that is fucked. Parks out!"
Will & Kalinda: (Trade complicit, scared looks; obviously this is all one of their Willinda Games we'll learn about later. Thank God.)
Elsbeth: "Um, this is clearly some kind of Willinda Game I don't know about."
Will & Kalinda: "Can't talk about it, but it's not illegal what we're doing."
Elsbeth: "Great! That's very comforting. You two behave!"
Alicia: "Will, I'm phoning you on the phone to ask if you're okay."
Will: "I'm fine, thanks."
Alicia: "Are you pleading the Fifth?"
Will: "Elsbeth says to."
Alicia: "Good. And I'm sorry."
Will: "Thanks, but don't. Be sorry it's happening, not for any other reason. Like how you broke up with me and broke my heart and it didn't help and now your Frankenstein husband is ruining my entire life."
Alicia: "Good talk."
GOLD & ASSOC
Eli: "David Lee! What an unpleasant surprise."
David Lee: (Swipes some shit off Eli's desk first thing. Heh.)
Eli: "I'm just going to get Caitlin in here to clean that up."
David Lee: "That's not happening."
Eli: "Nepotism is a double-edged sword, isn't it? Uncle gets you the job, and you end up cleaning up the poop your uncle is throwing around."
David Lee: "Did you just say the word 'poop' to me?"
Eli: "I seem to have caught a virus of some kind from Amy Sedaris."
David Lee: "How's Peter Florrick's campaign going? Because Alicia is going to divorce his ass, by the way."
Caitlin: "Uncle David Lee! Hey there."
David Lee: "Hey, honey! Eli doesn't need you after all. So anyway, Eli, I want to lecture you about not shitting on my niece, because she is awesome. Stop dicking around."
GARDNER TESTIMONY
Wendy Scott-Carr: "You met with Judge Parks yesterday?"
Will, against the advice of counsel: "Yes."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Thanks for not taking the Fifth, bro. So this is you in the picture handing Parks an envelope? Of what, exactly?"
Will: "It was chock full of money, Wendy Scott-Carr."
Dana & Cary: "Hmmm."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Everything's comin' up Wendy! I am not suspicious of this at all. So when you say money, would that be having to do with a payoff of some kind?"
Will: "Yeah. The arrangement ... Was for him to send that cash to benefit UNICEF in Uganda. Boom"
Cary: "♥."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Two grand for UNICEF, huh? That's a lot of cash."
Will: "Immunization of children in Uganda is a pressing need."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Kind of a coincidence, right? That this happened yesterday?"
Will: "I guess so. Want to see the receipt?"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "I am uncharacteristically rattled as fuck. How about this email you sent Parks about a settlement..."
Will: "-- For real? Where'd you get that, exactly?"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Ask me at my Grand Jury, motherfucker. Who wrote these?"
Will: "No idea. I'm guessing somebody altered these emails."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Who would do that?"
Will: "No idea, you're the one that handed them to me just now. But I happen to have the originals in my briefcase -- from when Kalinda obviously decided to fuck over Dana and not her only two friends on this planet and falsified the documents she gave you -- if you want to see those."
Wendy abruptly shits herself and goes running around like a headless chicken. If you don't love Wendy, probably this is the best part of the whole episode. Even for me, her most ardent fan, it is pretty freakin' awesome.
Will: "Don't you want to know where they came..."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Not necessary..."
Will: "Because they were addressed to Diane Lockhart, who after all was the attorney on the case and obviously would be emailing him about..."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "ACK! Stop! Oh my God!"
Dana: "I seem to have been played for a damn fool."
OUTSIDE
Dana walks slowly across the hall to stare at Kalinda and shake with rage and maybe just a little crushed-out heartbreak. I mean, Kalinda did just use her to sink her own career, basically; pretty shitty from Dana's perspective and that's not really unfair of her to feel or think. To be fair, Dana was basically blackmailing her, at least in terms of emotion, but rather than telling her to fuck off, Kalinda used her as a disposable tool, which is kind of sad. I also don't hate Dana, but again: Freakin' awesome.
Dana: "You fooled me?"
Kalinda: "Yup. You wanna hit me, go ahead. That was pretty shitty from your perspective."
Dana: Slaps the shit out of her.
Kalinda: WINS. FOREVER.
BREAK
Will flashes Kalinda thumbs-up from the doorway, and then crosses to her for a surprisingly moving embrace. Those two.
Elsbeth: "Nice work, creeps, but it's not over yet. She's sending out an additional subpoena, and I think it's... Hang on, my magic crystalline brain is working... Okay it's not Kalinda, that's not it... She's pissed, who's the last person she's going to use? Hmm, she could subpoena the whole firm to waste our collective time, but that's not..."
Everybody Who Has Ever Seen This Show, And Probably Anybody Who Hasn't: "It is clearly going to be Alicia Florrick! You are giving me a heart attack!"
Elsbeth: "OMG. You're vulnerable somewhere, right? The file was bait, so she wouldn't go after your real thing?"
Will: "Yeah, for sure."
Elsbeth: "What is your real thing?"
GLAC
(Alicia: "It is I!")
Caitlin: "Listen, am I just really fucking up here? Eli Gold is being a little shit to me, and not in the usual way. Like he has broken the ceiling on being a little shit to people. I have something to tell him about this GLAC meeting and he won't even listen. And I am Caitlin!"
Alicia: "Don't worry about it. He runs psych ops on randoms just to stay horrible."
Eli: "Stacie, stop calling me. What do you want?"
Stacie: "I'm in bed, thinking of you."
Eli: "Gross. Also a lie. You know I'm meeting with GLAC in five."
Stacie, in bed: "Nevertheless, I am in bed thinking of you. I wish you hadn't wimped out on me last night."
I love this. There's Will-They-Or-Won't-They, and then there's this show's version of that, which is like Pascal's Wager On What The Fuck Is Stacie Hall Even Talking About Ever.
Eli: "Later, I have to talk to famous gays and show them Alicia."
Spencer: "Alicia Florrick! You're a gay icon! All gay people are the same!"
Alicia: "Thanks. Listen, give me a sec. Caitlin, tell him your infos."
Caitlin: "I was researching this meeting because I am awesome, and because I couldn't figure out why GLAC would need a crisis management person instead of just their usual national committee campaign people. So -- as a member of the youth today, who understands Facebook and tweeting and blogs -- I was reading gay blogs..."
Eli: "Stop using child words!"
Alicia: "Focus, Eli."
Caitlin: "-- Spencer Roth wrote a letter -- as acting head of GLAC -- supporting the AT&T/T-Mobile merger, and AT&T gave GLAC a $50,000 grant."
Eli: Jaw dropped. Finally gets Caitlin.
Alicia: "So it's about limiting damage on their connection to this telecom merger."
Eli: "Wait, why say it's about DOMA?"
Caitlin: "Because that's all the ever talk about, so nobody would think about whether they were actually looking for crisis management."
Eli: "I am first going to steal you from David Lee and you will be my niece from now on."
Eli: "Okay, what's our new pitch? Let's say that attacking GLAC is legal gay-bashing..."
Alicia: "-- Girl, hold up."
Eli: "Too cynical? Good point."
Alicia: "-- No, you animal! Thank Caitlin."
Nice. So good.
GRAND JURY
Elsbeth calls Alicia to the courthouse to warn her about being subpoenaed.
Alicia: "But I have no connection to the McDermott case or the Sport of Hoops."
Elsbeth: "Riiiiiight...."
Alicia: "But so then what connection could I -- the wife of Peter Florrick and Will Gardner's sometime paramour -- possibly have to Peter Florrick's investigation of Will Gardner?"
Elsbeth: "Keep thinking. Think about how a Grand Jury prosecutor can ask anything, and how she's desperately trying to paint him as ethically or legally questionable, and how maybe you might, um, know anything about that."
Alicia: "What? Fuck that noise. I don't even want to wait for a subpoena. All day long I been waitin' for a motherfucker to push me. Let's do this shit."
FLORRICK TESTIMONY
Alicia, verbatim: "Alicia Florrick, F-L-O-R-R-I-C-K. The same spelling as my husband Peter, the State's Attorney."
Cary: "I love it every single fucking time they do that."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Alicia, have we met before?"
Alicia: "Yeah, during the three-way SA race in Season Two. That you lost. To my husband."
Cary: "Oh snap!"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "How long have you been at L/G? And who hired you?"
Alicia: "2.5 years, and Will Gardner."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "You knew him from Georgetown long ago. How long had it been since you practiced law?"
Alicia: "Thirteen years. I took time off to raise my children?"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Very generous of Will Gardner to employ someone after a thirteen-year layoff."
Alicia: "True enough, bitch."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Listen, did you ever see Will do anything illegal?"
Alicia: "Not that I recall."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "So you guys are fucking, right?"
Alicia, after about ten minutes: "...I don't see how that's relevant?"
Cary, quietly: "Wendy, cut this shit out. Inappropriate."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "It goes to Alicia's motives to protect him."
Cary: "I told you about the nature of their relationship in confidence."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "If you're not cool or edgy enough for this, go suck your thumb. Step out."
Cary seats himself, and Wendy asks if Alicia ever fucked Will while she was at L/G. Alicia and Cary share a complex, painful look. He apologizes; she gets it I think.
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Are you still fucking? And if not, what are the beginning and end dates?"
Alicia: "We started right after Season Two, and ended it a couple months ago."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Okay so during that time, did they move your office to the same floor as the senior partners?"
Alicia: "Uh, yeah?"
Cary: "Sorry this is so gross."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "And during that time were you informed that you were on track to make partner?"
The energy between Cary and Alicia shifts dramatically, because that constellates his actions in a whole new way: Not gossip, not giving Wendy another blind alley, but his own jealousy, their rivalry and his revenge. That's not what it is, but that's how it sounds, and that means it's how it is. Cary hates himself; there's no coming back.
Alicia... Comes down off the stand. The music is like, This shit is going to blow your mind and, as ever on this show, the music surely does not lie.
Wendy, verbatim: "Mrs. Florrick, would you please take your seat?"
Alicia, verbatim: "No."
Wendy, verbatim: "I need to ask you to sit..."
Alicia, verbatim, at the door: "No thank you."
Wendy, verbatim: "The witness has not been excused!"
Alicia, verbatim: "You are out of control."
(And just a little of this: Fuck you, Cary.)
Wendy Scott-Carr: "I will hold you in contempt!"
Alicia, verbatim: "Fine. Arrest me."
And out she goes.
I love that. I love that she, a trained attorney, would just walk out of a Grand Jury like that. And for what reason? Because Wendy is being an asshole. Because of Mission Creep and a creepy mission, and because whether or not Peter is willing to do whatever it takes these days, at least these three dicks still are. And Wendy is out of control, and Alicia will not be a part of it.
The funny thing about figuring out something bad about yourself, the willingness to look it in the eye and admit that nobody's entirely innocent or pure, is that it gives you so much power once you do that; once you can do that. You demonstrate the strength and thereby earn it. The key to the treasure is the treasure. You leap, and you are caught. Mighty forces come to your aid.
I can't imagine what would happen to St. Alicia, to Season One Alicia, in the wake of an attack like this. Being called a whore in front of a jury? In front of a long line of her actual peers? The fact that Cary and Wendy teamed up against her entire life, on Peter's okay? She would have drifted in the wind. She would have snapped in half.
OUTSIDE
Elsbeth chases Alicia down, outside, to debrief her.
Alicia: "The transcript, it'll be released to the public?"
Elsbeth: "It's sealed, unless he's indicted. What the fuck happened?"
Alicia: "I have to talk to my kids."
...Of course that's where her brain goes. Even though they already know, even though they're the ones pushing her into Will's arms, even though Elsbeth has her entire arsenal of witchcraft and wizardry, even though there are Kalinda schemes in play she never even knew about that are designed to save her no matter what, she still can't handle the idea of her kids getting crushed like this twice. Better to sacrifice St. Mommy herself than let them get blindsided again.
HOT DRINKS II: HOT DRUNKS
Stacie: "You're so funny, you're so spontaneous! We're on a date!"
Eli: Spurts whipped cream everywhere, in their drinks and all over the classy bar.
Stacie: "What's going on? This is so fun!"
Eli: "Turns out I desire you also."
Stacie: "You're fucking with me."
Eli: "No! I mean yes, but still."
Stacie: "Fine, let's do this. You're playing chicken."
Eli: "I am, and I'm good at it."
Still safe. I'd hate to think they'd somehow accidentally or not-so-accidentally outmaneuver themselves into having sex just because it's funny. They lean closer, closer. It is unnerving!
Stacie's sing-songy, creepy version of sexy: "You don't seem be swerving off the ro-oad..."
Eli: "Then do-on't..."
Stacie: "We're gonna cra-ash..."
Eli: "Unless you swer-ve..."
They kiss. It looks like tiny people kissing, but it feels like those rats that time. She leans back and smiles... And he reveals that he won the GLAC account. She jumps back, hurt and a little angry.
Eli: "Where's your desire now? And don't think I'm lying; I know you were expecting a call an hour ago, which I received."
Stacie: "[Fuck!]"
Eli: "I still desire you... The way a victor desires his spoils."
Stacie, as though that were some kind of pantydropper and not the most unappealing thing a person could ever say, just gets sadder and madder.
Eli: "Get those tiny little wheels turning in your head. How are you going to play this? Pride? Cuteness? Creepy as shit?"
Stacie: "The latter. Let's go. Let's have intercourse."
And they do. Man, when they were calling it a car wreck they weren't joking around. Good Lord!
INDICTMENT
Wendy Scott-Carr: "If there are no further questions, it's ham sandwich time. Two felonies in play, jerks. Go."
Juror: "I have a question?"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Fuckin' what? Ham sandwich, idiot."
Juror: "You said No further questions but I have a further question, which is who the hell was this Peter Florrick everybody kept bringing up every time they opened their mouths?"
Cary: "Oh I got this one, Wendy."
There's my boy.
Female Juror: "Wait, so isn't it weird to bring in his wife?"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "I can only answer questions about the ham sandwich..."
Juror: "I mean, who cares who she sleeps with? If she's getting some, great."
Grand Jury: Yeah! Sex! Hilarious! Alicia's getting laid!
Male Juror: "And how come you're bringing in Will anyway? At least he answered the questions, unlike Judge Plead-The-Fifth..."
Awesome Old Lady Juror: "I know, right?"
Female Juror: "You know what, maybe this judge knows Peter Florrick, and they should both be arrested..."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "-- Oh shit, you guys. Stop this right now..."
Male Juror: "Florrick and the judge are in it together, I think."
Grand Jury: "We weren't listening when you explained how basic laws and things work! We are off the chain!"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "But that's not even how it..."
Grand Jury: "Indict Peter Florrick! Indict Peter Florrick! Indict Peter Florrick!"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "FFFFFFFFFFUUUUU"
Cary, impressed: "And yet somehow I still feel like Kalinda made this happen."
POST-COITAL
Eli's Hair Is: A hot mess after sex, as it turns out.
Stacie: "Could you hand me my housecoat? It's on top of a mockup brochure I did for your ex-wife Parker Posey's campaign against Peter..."
Eli: "You are the most fucked-up person in the universe."
Stacie: "Don't leave! I desire you!"
HOME
Alicia: "Children, we need to talk."
Children: "Oh my God, what did we do now?"
Alicia: "Wellll... Hang on, my phone. Which I now put on vibrate, because Grace's stupid voice kept fucking me over. And causing dogs to attack."
Kalinda: "It's me, Kalinda."
Alicia: "I know that, asshole. Why are you calling me?"
Kalinda: "Because I love you and just wanted to hear your voice. No, actually I was just calling to tell you that the ham sandwich escaped. No indictment."
Alicia: "What? That's crazy."
Kalinda: "And yet fairly foreseeable, because this is a television show and all. But we're looking into the specifics. Listen, L/G is in full party mode and you need to get down here."
Alicia: "I can't, thanks. Oh, and also, Kalinda. Th... Um, thank you for calling me."
Kalinda: "No problem."
PARTY
Kalinda hangs up, and does her best Kalinda dance. You can't see it in her movements or the tiny little twitch of her smile, but if you know Kalinda you know what that did for her. As if there could come a day where her first priority is getting everybody out alive.
A cute girl cover of my favorite childhood song, Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again," plays while Will tries to get Elsbeth to dance and Diane calls him over so they can hold hands and love each other so much. And they dance. They deserve it.
HOME
Zach: "Good news from work?"
Alicia: "Bizarrely awesome news, oddly enough."
Children: "What did you want to talk about?"
Alicia: "Oh, right. Um... Let's say I haven't been a great mom..."
Children: "Patently untrue."
Alicia: "Let's take a week's vacation together."
STATE'S ATTY
Peter: "Mrs. Scott-Carr, thank you so much for failing to do a goddamn thing I asked you to do. Here is your payment. You are excused."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "We can still get him! Never say die!"
Peter: "Die."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "There are other ways..."
Peter, deadly: "Like calling my fucking wife?"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Oh shit, was that out of bounds?"
Peter: "Bye now."
Wendy Scott-Carr: "Then you know what, I'm going to send all this stuff to the Bar Association and they can be the ones."
Peter: "I actually don't give a shit at this point. Get out of my office."
Best episode ever? Definitely of the season, and not just because of the plot turns -- which were so amazing and beautiful -- but because of the beauty of the scenes themselves. The language was so lovely, and the interactions so sophisticated and meaningful. The changes in everybody and their relationships were organic, yet understated. This is a high-water mark.
19 FEB
After an unimaginably long three-week wait, Will goes through disbarment, which means he can't practice law for the foreseeable until they've decided... But what he can do is, something involving a motherfucking baseball bat. So there's that. The man can wear a suit, but never quite so well as when striding through a law firm looking like he's about to put a hole in the faces of all the people there are.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.