Trump is at the American Museum of Natural History, where he says tonight he'll be making his biggest decision all season: Who will become the Celebrity Apprentice. Will it be Joan or Annie? We get shots of sharks and other museum-y stuff. Trump hasn't made a decision, because they're both tough, smart, and hate each other. He wants us to get down to business. He walks into a room of cheering fans. An announcer calls Trump "New York's Number 1 attraction." Take that, Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty! Trump shakes hands (Melissa's) and hugs people (Jim Cramer) as he walks in. He joins Ivanka and Don (with a fresh, non-Trump hair cut) on the stage and tells everyone Happy Mother's Day. Then he says Joan and Annie are two vicious mothers -- so vicious NBC renewed this show yet again. Trump says he loves a good fight, but even he's amazed at what these people have done to each other. Then we get our extended previously. The gist: A bunch of semi-celebrities came together and acted crazy. That's all I'm willing to relive right now, so you'll have to read the weecaps. Announcer guy tells us 14 have been fired, so we're left with Annie and Joan. Annie says she plays a game for a living, so no one's more competitive than her. Joan says she'll do everything she can to win. We get flashbacks to their styles of game play, and everything else that went down. Trump couldn't ignore a final matchup with this much drama. And viewers probably won't be able to either. Tonight: They go head to head. Joan says it's good vs. evil, and she'll kill to win. Annie says it's war, and she's going to crush Joan. Only one will win. Truncated "Money, money, money, money."
We start this week back in last week's boardroom. Trump tells them to get some rest because they have a lot of work ahead of them, and one of them will win. They leave separately, but go to the suite together. Annie tries to talk to Joan about her not liking her. Joan tells her she doesn't want to talk about it. She says they'll be fabulous competition, but they don't need to be friends. Annie just wants to say one thing, but Joan says she doesn't want to hear it, and she also doesn't want America to hear it. The crowd loves that. Annie asks if Joan's met her friends, and tells her she shouldn't have insulted them. Joan keeps saying she's not going there, and ends up walking out. She tells Annie she only deals with her equals, and then leaves. Annie says she guesses she's above that, then calls Joan a bitch after Joan's gone. It's sort of amazing how much they hate each other. I love it.
day, they're lined up in front of Trump and his entourage of Don, Ivanka and some random executive type. He welcomes them to 2 Times Square, and asks Joan how she feels about Annie being her opponent. She ignores the question, and the audience laughs. Joan then says she thinks Annie's smart. Trump says this is a big task, so he's giving them extra help. In walk Brande, Tom, Melissa, Herschel and Clint. And then the dramatic entrance: Dennis. Trump asks him how he's doing, and he says he's feeling good. Both ladies want the first pick, so Trump flips a coin. Annie chooses heads and then chooses Brande. They hug, and Joan chooses Herschel. She says she chose him first because he's smart, a worker, and has connections. Melissa says she's not at all insulted, and then explains she and her mother had a strategy, because they knew Annie would not pick Melissa, so her mom's going to pick her last. Annie chooses Dennis . He tells us he came back to redeem himself and raise money for charity. Joan chooses Clint, because she says you know what you get with him and he can bring in money. Annie chooses Tom, and Melissa goes to her mom.
Trump tells them the task is a VIP auction, with silent auctions, so they need celebrities to donate things for them to auction off. They're going to be working with Kodak and Cirque du Soleil. Trump introduces his entourage: Jeff from Kodak is on his right. He wants them to create a limited-edition Celebrity Apprentice picture frame. He says it should be about the head of the household: mom. Trump says they're also selling tickets to Cirque du Soleil's new show, Wintuk. He says everyone wants to go (so selling shouldn't be hard, right?), and that they'll be selling them at face value to people on the street. Trump says money won't be the sole criteria for winning. He tells Annie if she raises the most money, it will help, but won't be the sole criteria. Ivanka tells them they'll be judged on money raised, Kodak product integration, charity integration, celebrity attendance, and overall guest experience. Trump says it's one giant party split into two sections. And they'll both be using the same event planning company. There are two Kodak double-decker buses waiting for them, because that's where they'll sell their tickets. Live Trump takes us to commercial.
We're back live, as Trump welcomes the first group of celebrities: Andrew Dice Clay, Scott Hamilton, Claudia Jordan, Brian McKnight and Jesse James. Trump asks Dice how he felt about getting fired first, and Dice say he's had the best year of his life. Trump is rushing Dice, and then moves on to Scott. Scott says he's perfect, and it's been great. He praises Trump for what he does with figure skating in Harlem, but that firing him early was the best thing he's ever done. Trump tells Jesse he was very popular on the show. Jesse's all, "Is this live?" Trump calls Jesse a stud, and Jesse says, "You like me that way?" He then says it was great, and he learned a lot. He thinks Dennis was awesome. Trump asks Brian if he had a good time. Brian did. Trump asks Claudia if this beats "Deal No Deal" [sic]. Trump cuts her off and moves on to the final task.
Melissa's happy with Joan's team, but would have rather had Tom or Dennis than Clint. But she thinks it's a strong team. Joan's on the phone telling someone she needs their help to beat Annie. She says you're damn right she's going to duke it out. Pun intended, I'm sure. Annie's team. Tom thinks it's a strong team, and Annie tells Dennis he was unfairly fired. Dennis and Tom are friends, so they all think they'll win. Annie asks the guys to get the ticket stuff done. She also asks them to do the frame. Annie wants to raise a half-million dollars to crush Joan. She says she wants to beat her with an exclamation point. She asks Dennis if he has money to bring in, but he hems and haws. He finally says he's on her team. Not exactly a yes. She's hoping he comes through, because it's a do-or-die task.
Annie's war room. Dennis tells her she picked the right guy. He gives her $20,000 from the Detroit Pistons and the Los Angeles Lakers. Annie's impressed that the first money came from Dennis. Joan's war room: Kodak executive Jeff enters and tells them what the company's philosophy is about. He says it's about pictures and unique events. He wants them to make sure people feel like a celebrity, and have an actual Kodak moment. He tells them they're holding his brand in their hands, so to please be careful with it. Then he's telling Annie's team about the digital frame. He tells Dennis if he has different girlfriends, he can put on different video shows. Tom keeps interrupting the executive, and Annie asks them to please let Jeff finish talking. I would say it seems like Tom's sabotaging Annie, except that this is how he acted originally, too. Annie stops him again, and then Tom says that Annie's style probably wouldn't actually work in the real world because everyone would quit.
Joan's running through the "sections": auctions, straight money, celebrities, pictures. Clint interviews that this task is too much for four people, so he's glad he's not project manager. Joan has Herschel working on raising money. Clint says he can't raise any more, because he wore his donors out on his last go-round. Joan doesn't push. She asks him if there's anyone he can call to come down. He says he has no one in New York in his Rolodex. Herschel says Clint immediately told them he can't get money or celebrity friends, so why is he here. Joan asks if Clint wants to be in charge of getting things for the silent auction, and he's all, "Uh, okay, I can do that." Joan says Clint doesn't want to do anything, so she felt like they were on a three-man team. We go to commercial as the announcer tells us to follow the contestants on Twitter.
Trump's walking through the museum again, talking about teamwork. He says a team's only as strong as its weakest link. Uh-oh. Dennis and Tom are headed out to the streets of Manhattan to sell 80 tickets to Cirque du Soleil. They're shouting from the rooftop of the double-decker bus. Then they're on the street trying to sell to people. Tom asks people to get on the bus, which he says is a creepy proposition. He says asking young women to get on the bus is the kind of thing that happens on the Internet, but it's not to sell tickets to Cirque du Soleil. Tom tells Dennis he's thinking they should go get a drink, but Dennis tells the camera Tom didn't mean that. Melissa and Herschel are heading toward Times Square to sell their tickets in an area that's famous for selling discount Broadway tickets. Herschel calls a friend who likes to help charity, so he calls and asks him to buy all the tickets. The guy agrees to do it. Melissa credits Herschel for being so smart, since they now have all the tickets paid for and can just hand them out on the street for free. Melissa says giving them the tickets is in line with the Kodak VIP treatment thing, and it saved them a ton of time. Meanwhile, Tom is still trying hard to sell, but mostly trying to be funny. He says they want Annie to win, but they also like being out here not getting yelled at. Tom almost gets hit by a traffic light, and then says it would be "comedy gold" if that were to happen. He keeps dodging trees and signs.
Don and Ivanka check in on Joan and Clint. Ivanka asks how Herschel's doing on fund-raising. She says she trusts him. They ask how they're doing on the celebrity front, and Joan lists some celebrities who are showing up: Kyle MacLachlan, Kathy Griffin, Matthew Modine, etc. Ivanka reminds Joan to have people there who will bid on and buy the silent auction items, too. Joan says Ivanka's reminder helped her remember that they have to get a lot of people and a lot of celebrities in. Clint jokes that their advantage is they've secured tickets to Cirque du Soleil. No one laughs, because... it's not funny. Annie and Brande are now being checked up on by the young Trumps. Annie's on the phone. She tells them it's a lot, but she'll walk them around and show them what they're doing. They're branding Wintuk, Refugees International and Kodak. You know, like they're supposed to. They're draping the ceiling in blue and then having clouds. Ivanka seems to like the ideas. Annie thinks Ivanka think she's a designer. She gives them every detail, and says it's a big task before tomorrow. They wish her luck, and leave. Back at Joan's war room, her planner calls. He wants to drape the room in white material, but Joan doesn't want white. She wants colors. He wants white lounge furniture, and Joan's horrified. She tells him she doesn't like it, so he says he'll keep working on it. She thinks she's in major trouble.
Annie, meanwhile, can't get her event planner to answer the phone so she goes to sign the contract at the design firm. They go up to the event planner's floor, and they come out and tell Annie to leave. They're not engaging in conversation. Brande and Annie are totally confused. Annie has the cameras leave and talks to the planner privately. Brande's freaking out, and hoping they'll be okay. Annie comes out and says the other team didn't like the planner, so the event company quit. Brande wonders if because they won't work with Joan, they also won't work with them, and Annie says that's apparently true. Annie explains that the designer assigned to Joan was David, the owner of the firm, and that she offended him so much he wouldn't be associated with Celebrity Apprentice at all. Brande says it's not fair, and Annie says of course it isn't. So now they have to start over with their raw space. It's after 5 p.m. on a Friday, so they can't find a new event planner or vendor. Annie says it's a disaster, so she could possibly lose. She's calling everyone she knows who might be able to help her get the space in order by the day. More commercials.
Back at the live show, Trump introduces George, and asks him what he thinks so far. George says that they've never had anything like this before in eight seasons. He says Annie goes after Joan and Joan goes after all of Vegas and every gambler. He tells Trump he's glad it's his decision and not his. Trump brings us back to the task. Annie and Brande are making phone calls to get help putting the event together. Annie can't believe that because Joan doesn't know how to treat other people that she became collateral damage. She says it was a war before, but now she's going to crush Joan like nothing we've ever seen. The audience claps. We keep hearing Annie make the same phone call, asking more and more people for help by telling them how terrible Joan Rivers is. I'm sort of sick of hearing the words "Joan Rivers." She finally finds someone who does events and owns her own rentals and equipment. Annie says the only thing she has going for her is she "like, literally knows everyone on Earth." She says Joan needs to die. That might be a bit harsh.
Joan takes a different tactic by going to Gods Love We Deliver, and asking them who they use. They have an events team, who they'll get over to help. She calls her charity events team down, because they're fantastic and gay, to help her. Then someone named Anita calls and she asks her to come help. She says she has nothing, and is desperate. Brande and Annie so far only have three celebrities coming, because all of their celebrity friends are in Los Angeles, and can't drop things and fly to New York at the last minute. Tom and Dennis come back and Tom says he has some calls out for celebrities to show up. He says they didn't sell all of their tickets, so they'll go break it to Annie. Tom and Dennis are kidding; they sold all the tickets. Annie hugs them and is totally relieved.
Gods Love We Deliver volunteers, and the board comes down to help Joan. She calls herself the Jewish Martha Stewart. She's "Joan RosenStewart." Joan says this way of planning is so grassroots and exciting, and they're back in the ballgame. Joan sits down with her team to see where they are on a lot of things: The celebrities are all backing out, so they have no one. Herschel's working on getting Usher, and says maybe he could get someone who looks just like him. Joan thinks Herschel's smart to get impersonators. She gets Bette, Cher, Barbra. She would also like a Donald Trump. Annie's meeting with her planner or someone and telling her how much she hates Joan. Apparently this is Sarah, an amazing designer with her own warehouse. She also got her friend Tony, and another friend who's a designer. Annie feels like they can get everything done now. She says people are coming in and rescuing her. She tells them all how amazing they are when you put out a cry for help. Emotional music as Annie hugs them. I just can't bring myself to get choked up about it, though. Maybe something's wrong with me. Or not.
Annie's friends are playing poker and discussing Annie, and why she'll win. There's no way she's losing to Joan, since she can beat the world's best poker players. They love everything about her. We're back with Trump, who says that group loves Annie, but Joan doesn't. Back to the task. It's morning in New York. Annie is telling Tom that she has respect for someone who's been in the business for as long as Joan, but she's not nice. Tom thinks Joan's just joking, but Annie says he hasn't been here since the third week. He sort of blows Annie off, and just keeps saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and "Anyway," and "Really," and "That's a joke." I love Tom. He tells Annie's it's a badge of honor to get pissed off by a legend of comedy like Joan. He says Joan really got under Annie's skin, because all she does is talk about Joan.
In Joan's van, she's calling a friend who knows every impersonator in New York, but his mother has just died. She tells him she's terribly sorry about his mother, but she needs a favor. She's laughing as she asks it, and then he starts cracking up and tells her it's the best call he could have gotten right now. She's calling while the minister is speaking. He says it's the funniest thing in the world, and he'll get someone on it right away. Joan gets off the phone and says she knew he would laugh. They head to their room, which is being decorated as the silent auction goods start arriving: custom dresses, Brett Favre jersey, jewelry. Melissa says the hardest thing for her is that she would like to buy some of it. Clint is recording video for the auction items. Herschel's recording him. They're using the digital frames with his recordings with each auction item. Melissa and Joan are putting together the photo montage of things people share, so they've integrated the product and brand into the party.