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After the teams finally give in to the inexorable fate drawing Michael toward Gold Rush, where he has always belonged -- and evening up the teams after the Rushees' hundredth loss in a row -- Leslie gets her shot as the GR project manager. While Synergy PM Andrea annoys more in than some tasks but less than in most, it's Gold Rush's job to completely hand the task over to them for no reason. Which they do. The task: to promote the new 7-11 pizza sandwich, which involves two pieces of pizza smashed together to create a sandwich. So apparently stoners and frat boys are working in R&D these days, which is nice to know. So gobsmacked are the teams by the concept that anyone would buy food at a 7-11 that they lose all sense of scale and sell them for $4 (Synergy) and $8 (Gold Rush), with promotional items (Synergy has some lovely white baseball caps, GR has some nylon six-pack coolers) and pretty good 2-for-1 deals. Gold Rush adds a bunch of ancillary crap like trivia contests ("Who took the 'convenience' out of 'convenience store'?") and shady deals with sandwich purveyors, while Synergy screws around in an inspired loser edit. It's one of those weeks where the losing team's screw-ups get the lion's share of airtime, simply because the Boardroom would make no sense otherwise.
However, the proof is in the pudding, as Synergy raises their sales by around 900% to the Rush's 600%. Leslie brings back Lee, solely, on the basis of the fact that he nay-says and Markuses the team on every task as a strategy, but Trump is too busy trying to figure out why Mariah Carey in a blonde wig has shown up to the Boardroom to listen to what she's saying. Also too busy to listen: Lee, who enters talking and doesn't stop for the entire segment, getting louder and more annoying with every redoubled point. Basically, it comes down to the $8 price tag for something a child could make for him or herself, and while Lee was vocal about the price point, George feels he wasn't vocal enough. I like Leslie, but in this particular case we are shown more than enough footage of Lee complaining about it to justify her firing. This isn't a boutique sandwich we're talking about: it's disgusting microwaved slices of pizza, at 7-11. Trump accidentally calls Lee a tight-ass Jew, then fires Leslie. On her birthday. In a refreshing Crazy Taxi, Leslie is very light and funny about becoming PM, and getting fired, on her birthday, on a game show on TV, and promises to buy a lottery ticket just in case the stars are aligned for some reason. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Props to ghettofabman, for two things. First of all, this, because it made me laugh, and also this, because it made me beat up ghettofabman. But I shouldn't have clicked on it anyway. I knew better.
So while Lenny is downstairs getting fired, Allie and Roxanne call Michael into a baroque, nasty parlor, where they are sharing a bedsheet on a fainting couch, so that Andrea can tell him to go eat a bug: his was a shitty leader, he has poor leadership abilities, and everybody on the team busted ass to make up for the fact that he couldn't make a decision. "That's what happened." Michael stares and gapes and gets very active with his mucus in preparation for weeping. "...That's not true," he whispers. It's heartrending. Roxanne is awesome, with that way she has of seeming to be leveling with you even as she's calling you out. It's all on the table. I wish Andrea would learn some communication skills from her. "Yeah [it is true] -- you are lucky we won this task." Roxanne tells him that they should have lost, and that this is completely his fault. All true! Allie, of course, delivers the killing blow: "Everybody can see it. It's...unfortunate." Michael stands up unsteadily and leaves to have a good cry. This is devastating. When the whole time is like "No, seriously. You suck. Sorry." There's not a bunch of places you can go with that. Except to Crazytown: "The team is turning on me...as The Outsider." So I think I've located the weirdness of Mr. Michael: he talks like a Stan Lee comic book from the 1960s. So whatever, it hurts, and I get that. Especially if you can't hear the facts they're saying about how sometimes you actually do have to make a decision. He sneaks off to his lair, where he spends the night staring into the mirror and thinking about "This man...this monster...which am I?" and shit like that.
Lee comes back, almost in tears, because who will call him Lazy Jew now that Lenny is gone, and everybody who can count spends some time figuring out that Lenny got fired. Andrea hugs him awkwardly, and Sean hugs him, and Sean's ass is on fire. I had no idea. Not to get all Clay on you or whatever, but dude. I am much, much unhappy about knowing that. Lee sits around puling and whining and crying and pissing himself or whatever, and his voice cracks as he tells us how he had "one person" that he could trust...and that person was Lenny...and now Lenny is gone... Does he know that Lenny got fired? That this didn't actually happen to him? He sits in a bedroom and listens to them toasting Lenny, and wonders how long it will take for them to realize he's not there, and get worried, and come looking for him, and ask him if he's okay. Which...Charmaine does. He thinks. For a second. And then she starts in on him, and it's gorgeous, because you can see on his face that he's predisposed to think that she's just a dumb girl, and it takes him a while to understand that she's not only saying true stuff, but mean stuff even. The fucking Portnoy neurosis of this kid. I hate predictability. I hate youngsters who are clichés. Stop being such a fucking type. "This is the first time in the whole process that you have actually shown your age," she says. Which would get my hackles up for sure, but that's Charmaine: true things, inelegantly stated. They have a conversation that goes like this:
Charmaine: "There is no friendship in this dojo."
Lee: "But I'm so much better than everyone else, that's how I roll."
Charmaine: "You said stupid, wrong things. Lies. Because of this 'loyalty' thing you think is so hot."
Lee: "But it totally is, and Trump will see it one day."
Charmaine: "But you're loyal to one person. Who is gone. And was pretty unpleasant to us all, you included."
Lee: "But I was thinking about it, Charmaine, and I kind of am a Lazy Jew."
Charmaine: "No, just lazy."
Lee: "I am an admirable person and I would like for you to admire me. If you don't, I'm going to hold my breath so, so long."
Charmaine: "Your mom did a number on you, kid."
Lee: "Tell me about it."
Charmaine: "So do you think you could...grow the fuck up and start being objective?"
Lee: "That's not my style, to be 'objective.'"
Charmaine: "What I'm really saying is, are you going to carry out Lenny's omerta on me now that he's gone?"
Lee: "He's not gone, really. Never gone, as long as we carry him in our hearts."
Charmaine: "I am asking you to confirm that you are not going to fuck with me."
Lee: "I am such a good person that I cannot."
Charmaine: "Five thousand of my faces are now gunning for you."
So grumpy! I should have written this recap when I was in a good mood. Like around 1993. That would be a good time for this recap. Everybody sleeps through the phone the morning, except my girl Charmaine. They go to meet Trump in Central Park, where he's going to stop for a moment on his drive to Westchester in a shiny silver dildo with gull-wings like in Back To The Future. He is such a tool! He even drives it like a tool. With that face. Roxanne, as he's driving up: "Woooow." With a smile on her face that says the "...that's fucking tacky" is implied. GR is wearing their big silly scarves. I miss Dan. Trump reminds them how Gold Rush has lost every task but two, and the last three losses were consecutive. He asks if anybody on Synergy would like to fix Gold Rush. Tammy turns around and looks directly at Michael. It's hilarious. They all kind of shuffle around and wait for Michael to volunteer. He finally does, and they celebrate, ashamed of themselves, but jubilant nonetheless. Allie interviews -- in a scoop-neck black shirt with pink trim like a sash, only at the top of the shirt and not the bottom. Maybe she put it on upside down. Her hair looks super-awesome cute, lots of sections happening, but it's unfortunate specifically on her, due to the bobblehead issue. All the different sections add volume to her already critically large head -- that one of the many reasons they're going to win the task is because they finally got rid of Michael. "They have to deal with him! How can we lose?" And because it's Allie, who always gets the pretty edit, I think this is not hubris and that they will actually win a fourth week in a row.
Everybody's jaw drops when Trump tells them that a new 7-Eleven store opens every five hours. He does not mention that, when this happens, an angel gets environmental illness, and that now, heaven is chock full of angels in big plastic bubbles freaking out about how you can't come near them if you use fabric softener, and they all smoke now, and they roll their own, of course, and basically, 7-Eleven has made heaven a very depressing place to be. The task is to create a marketing campaign for a sickening product. Like it is every week. Didn't they used to have tasks where they did other stuff? Like selling non-branded lemonade, or flipping properties? Did I make that up? I was not a dedicated watcher in those days long ago. I don't know how you spell it, and I don't want to mention it, but Trump pronounces the sickening product "Puh-EETZ-uh." (My notes: "That's going to be fucking nasty.") They will also somehow be involving some kind of white trash race car driver or something, but you say "race car" to me and I fugue out and start thinking about really classy stuff like thread count. Never fails. Trump says the race car has lots of horsepower -- even more than the shiny silver dildo I'll be jamming up Westchester today! They all laugh, because what do you do? The team with the best sales increase for their store wins. Lee tells us in a mini-lecture about how Michael is a good addition to the group. Shut the fuck up, kid. You need to stop telling me basic shit like this. Especially since you're totally wrong about everything when you do.
Up in the 7-Eleven offices, Synergy is being...fucking hilarious. They're all eating those awful sandwiches, which are two pieces of pizza smashed together with some lettuce or something, it's repulsive. They come in little plastic bags with the steam inside, like gross food on a hot day, and they look like microwave pizza, the grossest stuff in the world, and they are a pile of GERD waiting to happen. So here's what they all say.
Andrea: "Basically this sandwich is meant to be eaten...cold?"
Tammy: "This doesn't make me want to vomit."
Allie: "I'm a very picky meat eater, and...this turkey is quite delicious."
I've watched that part like a thousand times and I keep laughing these deep belly laughs, but I don't know if I can explain why that's so funny, because it's looking kind of flaccid on the page. Except you know how much I love Allie, and how you never know if she's fucking with you, or who the real Allie is, which is so much fun, and she's just so...Felisha was a good lead-up to this, last year. All the "my goodness!" and things of that nature. Jentethno too. But Allie, she's the real deal. "This turkey is quite delicious." HA!
Andrea tells us in no uncertain terms that she was Project Manager this week because she said so. "If it were up to me I'd be Project Manager on every single task." Hee, I love her! You get so much more slack from me if you are able to verbalize and laugh about being a freak. She's like, "I'm very fucking crazy...but it's funny." Sean makes funny faces at Andrea while Allie snacks on her quite delicious turkey. Andrea tells the team to brainstorm for the promo items, and they mention cups and key chains, and agree, and Andrea tells them they will be using hats. Like it's interesting, their prattle, but ultimately she doesn't want to hear their flapping gums, because: hats. Allie comes this close to telling Andrea to suck her dick, it's amazing. Tammy floats the idea that they should have the promo item link to the lunch in some way, like a can cozy or whatever, and Andrea says it's a great idea, but: hats. "Guys like hats. People want hats." Allie stares, Sean sucks his teeth.
Andrea interviews an impressive amount of both insight and scary craziness: "People are like, you're a total control freak, that 's such a weakness and I'm like, 'Really? Because I have a really nice life, and it's because I'm in control of everything that I do, and I like it, so it's not a problem for me.'" I really hope nothing bad ever happens to her. Like, really bad, the kind of control-taking-away badness that God specializes in, because there will be nothing left but rubble if she loses grip. The team continues to brainstorm: cups or drink paraphernalia would encourage people to get a drink at the same time, so they'd increase revenues that way. Smart. Andrea: "You know what, actually? I'm letting you know right now it is hats." Beat. "...Okay?" They all look at each other, because she is a crazy person. Which undoubtedly she is, but that doesn't make me angry, it makes me laugh. And what I'm seeing is a lot of actual anger towards her, and it freaks me out, because she's not a bad person. She seems nice, a little socially weak, a little selfish and only-childy, a huge sense of unshakeable rightness in her actions. Just like every other person here. I think she's getting an asshole edit, which is fine because she's an asshole, but I also think there's a fair amount of semiotics getting encoded here: People, Trump included perhaps, think that Martha Stewart sucks, right? Too much money, too intimidating, too clenchy. So I think that this stuff is specifically intended to make us hate Andrea, because nobody likes to see a woman in control to such a degree, do they? She's so brittle and manly and ball-busting, isn't she? Just like Martha? With cobwebs in her uterus and all that? Virago, Clytemnestra, Lady MacBeth. Maybe some vestigial testicles tucked up somewhere? Because a man who acted like this, he'd be quite a man, wouldn't he? Not a bully, right, just firm? Bryce still has apologists, and he was one of the lamer candidates ever on this show, but he flashed the man cards and showed his cred, so he's gold. Because God knows gay men on TV can't fucking catch a break -- we're all very aware of what masculinity looks like on TV. It looks like Andrea. She'd make such a good man! But what a terrible excuse for a woman! Why, she looks like Marilyn Manson! Yeah! She's a horror movie! What a bitch! Who could ever love her?
Anyway. "Know Your Customer" is the tiny Wisdom for the episode. Trump tells us his father would lurk around buildings and harass the people going in and out of them, and then go design buildings to meet the needs of the people. I have no idea what that means. I like my buildings to...stay in one place. Doors that open and shut. I would definitely thumbs-down a building that didn't have those. Shelter from the elements. Lots of available light. Central heating and air. I like buildings that stay put, on the inside too. Doors that lock. No sudden cave-ins, I'd tell Trump père. No staircases that eat you, or have people under them. That's my input. "Know your customer," Trump tells us. "It's a good road to success."
Leslie cracks the whip on GR about brainstorming the promo item. She's nice to watch, leadership-wise. I wish I'd seen her before in my life. Tarek suggests discussing price first, but she tells him to shut up and brainstorm the promo item. He's like, "Will do." It's all very polite and seems to be going well. Lee stares at Leslie and wonders how she just disagreed with Tarek, and whether she can teach him her strange, witchy ways. Lee interviews that it "sends a poor message to Trump" that Leslie "waited so long" to be PM. Fucking mow your own lawn, Lee. Everything he says has this very crass patronizing grease on it, like, he's explaining to anybody who will listen about how the show, and business, and life work. The real deal. And it's ugly, because he doesn't actually get it. "If she loses, she's finished." He tells them all very self-importantly that he is the demographic for this task. "I am the person that we're selling to!" Basically, he explains, because he's from New York, and went to college. Brilliant. I mean, that should give his opinion more weight, but he's so wrong about so many things that's not really very interesting to think about. Although the one thing he's right about is informed by the fact that he's the demo, so again: can't really joke about it, because it turns out to be right.
Charmaine brainstorms coffee mugs -- "universal" -- over t-shirts, which are "tailored" (rimshot!) more toward kids, and less toward the universe. Leslie suggested those nylon six-pack coolers, everybody loves it, done deal. I hate this task because they really are doing almost everything right, and better, than the other team, for once, and it was from the beginning, and that was thanks to Leslie, and then they get burned (SPOILER!) by one tiny thing. Which burns, but not as fucking bad as Lee's vindication. Charmaine loves the coolers, everybody loves them, and Charmaine points out that they can raise the price point considerably with the coolers involved. Tarek watches sullenly as Michael, Charmaine, and Lee take off to scope the store -- I don't know why he's making that face. Maybe he thought Michael would forget Sean and make out with him instead, I have no idea.
Leslie and Tarek come up with trivia questions. Trivia questions, now? I don't understand this task at all. What are they all doing? You've got race car drivers, and trivia questions, and hats and coolers and flyers and sandwiches made of pizza, and harassing people on the street and yelling about...I guess that's the definition of a good marketing scheme, but I don't understand the unifying theme, I guess. "Eat this crappy sandwich despite the look and smell of it" is not...that's not enough, I suppose. Seems like a lot of hustle, and a lot of chaos, and a lot of different moving parts, for something that so quickly degenerates to "lemonade stand." Tarek talks about how people want to win prizes and answer trivia questions, because he is invested in the concept that having to constantly prove your intelligence is not a personality flaw, because everyone has it. Leslie and Tarek ooh and ahh about all the amazing facts they are learning about bullshit like "biggest piece of cheese" and shit, and then they both admit they can't name the food groups. Which is so elemental it's archaic. They can't even remember things that are over. What are they doing? What's with the trivia?
Leslie wants them to focus on the cooler, rather than the delights of the disgusting sandwich, which looks basically like day-old pizza with a compound hernia, okay, and names a price of $7.99 for that reason. Lee gets scared, everybody agrees. Lee tells them that the night manager suggested $6.99. Nobody cares, because I'm guessing they've gotten a lot of shit explained to them by Lee today. Like every other day. Charmaine interviews that Lee always takes a contrary stance, as a strategy to cover his ass if they lose. I would say that's part of it, but you can't forget that he's also kind of a dipshit. He does bring out the bully in me, I don't deny it. Tarek and Michael agree to $7.99, Lee whines some more, they all agree that they'll offer two for $8.99, and Lee gets all eyebrows about it. The hate's been growing, but today it is full blown. I am so glad he wasn't around during lots of tasks. Sukkot and Simchat Torah, right? Cross your fingers.
Banners! Signs! Coolers! Balloons! Monkeys! Ladies! Hats! A Donkey! A Trampoline! A Tiffany Lamp! With Balloons Tied To It! Everything in the universe is involved in the marketing for some reason. Charmaine talks to the 7-Eleven employees like they're idiots. Maybe they are, I can't say for sure. No, you know what, I take it back. That was all me. She's just being sales-y. Michael gets very friendly with some people while Tarek yells about the trivia questions outside, screaming at random people, expressing shock that they won't stop. Tarek fucking says aloud that he "can't believe" how "these people are focused" on getting from "Point A to Point B," like, other people and their lives and agendas are still suspect for him. He gets silly and screamy about how the vomitous pizza sandwich will "change your perception of reality" and even though it's for the cameras and for the general showing-off of Tarek, it's very cute nonetheless. Lee tells Leslie and Charmaine that he "overheard" two managers criticizing the price. I picture him skulking, or else just asking a question, like, "Don't you think the price is too high?" Lee interviews in this very creepy, high and mighty, role-playing kind of way where he knows everything and everybody's so silly because he's such a fucking high roller, about how the managers know their customers. "At that point, I don't give a crap if we sold a hundred sandwiches or zero -- the price needs to be lowered." He says this very decisively and firmly.
Now, he is correct. He's right about that. And perhaps I have an agenda in downshifting to say that I don't like the way he said it, since I can't attack what he said. But the truth is, I don't actually care about this show and I don't have an agenda one way or the other. I'm telling you what I see. What I see is that, just for a second, at the end of this very annoying speech, he does this thing with his hand, and he is Trump. Just for a second. So scary. And you know, I can't fault him for thinking they're alike, either, but I just don't see how you can say something like that about yourself, and then go on living. Leslie kind of begs him to shut up, and he argues and whines and talks and talks. She finally just openly tells him to leave the room so he'll leave her alone. "We need to be selling right now." Leslie and Charmaine bitch about how awful he is, and how negative he's being, and it's very smart to view these two episodes together, because you can learn by the comparison: just like Charmaine and Andrea, the problem here is the packaging of your view. He's right about everything, but he does things in such an annoying way that you'd rather cut off your nose to spite your face, and just ignore him, to make him shut up. It doesn't matter how right you are, if you act like a pisher, which is what he is. And thinking that your rightness exempts you from adjusting your behavior is a dick move, and you stay a pisher. The pisher stands outside the store limply, sighing and breathing the doom in. Fucking sell, Lee.
Roxanne spots their race car ad on the side of a truck, and she and Sean squeal and hold hands and giggle and chant: "Sell sell sell! Sell sell sell!" But they're not with Allie, they're with Andrea. Who looks at them like they're maggots, so they chill out. Andrea voices over about how they hung up "signage" and decorated the store and took some time "just making everything look really fantastic." Again: the aesthetic skill of Andrea is...I'm not saying she doesn't know what she's doing. It could be that orange and green balloons tied to crap in a convenience store that smells like a urine-soaked burrito is very "fantastic" to a certain kind of highly developed palate that I simply don't have. Everybody puts on their hats, which look lovely, but not as lovely as Andrea needs you to say they are. Andrea goes on a rampage of ass-covering, screaming at anyone who will listen about how great the hats look, how fantastic the hats are, how they make Sean more "American" somehow, how nice the hats are, how they motivate purchases simply by existing. Outside, Tammy yells at passersby about how there's a sandwich, plus a hat, and isn't that something, basically. Andrea interviews so that she can yell at us directly about how fucking great the stupid hats are. Andrea: You're not fooling anybody. All we hear is, "I just realized you guys were right, and the hats are sucky. My bad." You can just admit that. Sean Brits at a small cute woman who is not really that hungry, Andrea accosts innocents about the fucking hats, Tammy mentions to Roxanne that the hats suddenly don't make any sense. For the promotion, for the demographic, for the sandwich. Roxanne's like, "You just figured this out?"
Carolyn: "If someone approached me on the street and said, 'Go inside and try this pizza sandwich [which is a thing I would never eat]. And I'm going to give you a [motherfucking] HAT.' Trust me, I'd [Mace them and] keep walking." I love it so much when she gets super-intense and angry about random tiny things. Like the putting green back with the Cory Kahaney task. "That fucking thing." She's all, "Fucking Andrea, come near me with that hat and you'll be crapping it." I don't know why I always have Carolyn dropping f-bombs. It's not very realistic.
Allie and Roxanne get gay on some dog walkers, and Allie hangs onto their dogs while they go get pizza sandwiches. Nobody can believe that the stupid flyers worked, like people actually did kind of leap out of bed hungering for a sandwich made of pizza. Allie works all the people and sells to them and tells every one of them that he's her favorite customer of the day. I adore her. Andrea bothers a very fucking cute hipster, who turns her down, and Roxanne interviews that their win, should it come to pass, will not be thanks to their "great PM," but in fact because they worked their asses off.
This task is impossible. It just comes down to yelling at people. I hate that. Plus, the point of convenience stores is the anonymity of their products -- you don't have 7-Eleven brand loyalty, you like knowing that you can get a small selection of items at gut-punching prices at 3 AM. ["Which, I have to mention, New Yorkers already have, in the form of delis. 7-Eleven is seriously not on the radar at all for 98 percent of the people who live here." -- Sars] The 7-Eleven brand name on a product doesn't give me any kind of a feeling about the product beyond wondering if I take it into my home, will my home smell like a urine-soaked burrito. That's it.
Lee wanders around town bothering strangers far afield from the site, and giving himself tons of Fellatio Alger about how he's the Young Donald Trump. He tells this guy he wants to sell him a thousand sandwiches. And the guy agrees, so suddenly he's all chuffed about how he's a dealmaker and he's got "big deals" going down, and I think about Ray Liotta for an hour while he yaks, because Lee is really just less appealing every second this bullshit goes on. He's so fucking "ballsy" ["Hey Joe, what's a..." -- Jacob] ["Don't." -- Joe R.] that, just like Trump, he...asked someone to buy a thousand sandwiches. Just like Trump would! Gotta think big! Life is short! Know your customer! He wanders back through New York City toward the 7-Eleven, and tells Leslie about the sandwich deal. She authorizes him to sell at $3. The guys wants $2. Lee gives up. So fucking ballsy.
Tarek continues to lose his mind out on the street, while Charmaine and Tammy go crazy on the customers and sell, sell, sell. Lee and Leslie discuss the big "deal" he's brokered, and she authorizes him to try $2.50. He pantses around and tells her it's a "home run," and it's like...it's sandwiches, made of pizza. Not the Google IPO. My notes say Leslie's "something" is tingling. I don't know. Probably she said "stomach," but it's funnier this way.
Gold Rush New Rushee Michael greets George at the door. His ass, specifically. He tells George it was Lee's idea to clear out all the other sandwiches, and Lee calls the guy, who can't do $2.50. So he cries like a ballsy little bitch, and Leslie tells him it was a good try. Charmaine is I think a little bit disgusted. She interviews that he lost himself an hour of manpower time -- and you'd think Lee of all people would want to show what a hard worker he is, considering as they get punchier and crazier they're only going to resent him more for the holidays, even if they can't admit it. You don't think you'd stab somebody for a peanut butter sandwich until you watch Big Brother and see how near the surface the beast really is -- but that she feels really good about this. "We did great today. Michael was a great addition, he fit right in and worked really hard." Another thing Lee was right about. "We need this. It's Leslie's birthday tomorrow and she wants a win and a lovely reward. I think the stars are aligning and it's finally our turn." Meaning they're all going to be fired, and possibly doused in gasoline and ignited.
Into the Boardroom! Synergy is wearing dorky aprons, except for Sean. Who's wearing a dorky apron all the time, but one you cannot see. Andrea tells Trump that she didn't eat the product, because she's a vegetarian -- and I'm sorry, but of course she is -- but that she likes the "really cool" and "really interesting" concept. Trump tells them George loved it, everybody giggles, and Michael and Gold Rush talk about their mutual love while Synergy smirks and prays he's PM week.
I don't understand a lot of what George says this week, it's weird. He says that GR had a "fairly high price point: $7.99 for one, $8.99 for two." Andrea and Allie almost plotz. Total sales increase for Gold Rush: 608%. They all grin happily, and Carolyn takes her turn: "They had these fucking hats." One sandwich made of pizza for $4, two for $6. "And the result of this strategy was an increase of 997%." Andrea almost cries. That is such a large number to have a percent sign after it! Whoa! They all smile at each other. On GR, Tarek and Leslie and Michael all have their eyes closed like they are meditating, or trying not to barf. "Even Michael couldn't help you win," says Trump. At least he didn't help them lose, though. It's funny how the people on GR are what I think of as promising candidates, while Synergy is more embarrassing and stuff, but they are kicking lots of ass. "You know in life, Leslie, you have winners and you have losers? Right now you're a loser." WHAT? "You know in life, Leslie, you have winners and you have losers? Right now you're a loser." Happy fucking birthday, loser. My goodness!
After everybody is reminded by Trump that this is four weeks running, Synergy take a JetNetwork "private beautiful luxury plane" to D.C., for dinner with a Senator at a beautiful old hotel. They all laugh and dork out, of course, about how private jets are the best way to travel. Sean has combed his hair straight back for his interview, and looks even more toolish than usual. His face is so fuckin' weird. He talks about how he got his green card four months ago, and wanted to visit D.C. "out of respect," because "this country has given me so much. So the reward couldn't be more awesome." Yeah, that's pretty awesome. I don't know, though, I don't like the "this is all about me and the wonderful time I'm having and it's so meaningful and significant for me," like with the Mandela thing onANTM that time. They get to the Hay-Adams, and meet Al Pacino playing the senator, who takes them to the Presidential Suite for their meal, and points out the window to the White House, and Andrea rubs Sean's back as he stares and whatever, tears run down his naturalized, strange-looking face. The senator says he was born in Brooklyn, the same place Trump's family comes from, like it's fucking Liverpool or something. Like Trump's DNA is premium. Like America has history. His grandfather and Trump's father were builders together. Everybody is like, "Awww. Old men are sweet, you sweet little old man!" His face is crazy crazy, this senator, but I don't think he's bad. Dirty, but not bad. He's got kind of an Alan Alda comfortingness, but with a little extra sinister on top of it. ["He's pretty cool. Seems like a nice guy; also seems like, in a fight, he'd be a hair-puller. I like that in a Democrat." -- Sars] He tells them that there is something in your stomach that says every Monday morning, I can't wait to get to work. And that if you don't hear that thing talking, you have fucked up somewhere. They nod. Roxanne says she's "going to implement that in my life." She's so funny.
Sean goes on an emotional journey to the White House. Which is a block away and means less than nothing. Of all the symbolic places in our nation's capital, I've never found the White House to be anything other than kind of creepy. But Sean needs everybody to feel his drama about how the White House is there just for him, and with that extra desperation you get in situations like these. "No, really, I'm having a significant moment! Believe in my significant moment!" They nod, and they try. Andrea tells him that the whole team is excited he gets to have this moment. Me too. I just wish he'd locate himself in it, instead of watching it happen to him, because he isn't going to remember it. Andrea interviews the salient point that they are all living the American dream, and to see Sean appreciate the American part of that was nice. That's true, I'll give him that. I just don't respond the same way if I'm having a significant moment, because if you talk, it ruins it, because it makes it not significant. And why do you need to convince people of the intensity of your significant moment anyway? It's not for them, it's for you, and besides, it's not like they're ever going to care as deeply as you do about it. I just think it cheapens it. Patriotism is a deep burning and if you talk about it, you sound like a fool. Sean stares and cries and gets significant moment all down his slacks. I told you I was in a bad mood. Tomorrow I'd probably write this same part all "And that's how I remembered what being an American really is like" or whatever.
Somebody has made a very pretty cake for Leslie's Loserriffic Birthday. She tells them it's too easy to go back and pick it apart and say what they should have done, because it's obvious. Agreed. Lee gives them a fucking annoying speechlet about how this losing streak has got to stop, because...it means they keep losing. Lee tells us that all he knows is losing, because they've only won twice. Michael tells them that they are great, even for being such fucking losers. He interviews that although he hates to lose, at least now he's losing with a better class of loser. "I didn't really fit in," he says about Synergy. And he talks a blue streak here, but the basic point is that for some reason he'd rather lose with GR than win with Synergy. All because they were honest about how shitty he was on the task. What a fuckin' baby. Somebody needs to tell him that they are all assholes. Every single one of them. So it doesn't matter. But I agree he does fit the GR profile a lot better -- he's sneaky and snaky and self-obsessed in the pretty way of them, rather than treating everything like an orgy in the back of a field trip bus to somewhere stupid and constantly making friendship bracelets and posterboard collages for each other. ("SASSY!" "SEXY FRESH!") Leslie calls this the "worst-case scenario," and honestly just doesn't want to go to the damn Boardroom on her birthday. Too bad, loser!
Aww. Trump meets them in the Boardroom, and he says this in a funny, exhausted way, like if you were actually horrified by the dirtiness of your kid's room or something: "Leslie! What happened?" And her answer is crystalline perfection: "...We didn't sell enough pizza sandwiches is what happened." That was quite delicious. She thinks that they did a fantastic job, and that it sucks to lose over and over. He asks who did the worst job, and she says Lee, because he was always wandering off and fucking around and making shady deals. Trump: "Why was it shady?" Me: "Um, because it involved selling a thousand pizzas to a man with a van and a cell phone." Lee spins some kind of self-aggrandizing myth out of it, like he was just going to offer the guy 15-20 pizzas, but the dude wanted a thousand of them, and then he realized that the magic beans had actually grown overnight right up into the clouds. This fucking smirky proud need to impress all over his face, like a stain. Everybody agrees that if the deal went through, they would have won. But it didn't, so...
Trump asks Lee directly if he felt the price was too high, and the whole team gets scared and stares at each other like "Here we go," because that's the thing that will point the gun at all of them, because Lee is a dickwad. He admits he was eavesdropping, but not that he asked leading questions, nor that he invented them from whole cloth and there is no such thing as "managers," which are an urban legend. Leslie downplays the nagging about the price, because it was only like a dollar, which would have if anything widened the margin by which they lost, and he didn't really have a plan or strategy, just whining. Charmaine says she was okay with the price because they could always go lower. She goes on a crazy rampage about how it's a wonderful value, because it's a good product, and "It's a sandwich, and it's pizza, so it's two things Americans love..." I mean, seriously. If you're going to shovel bullshit, do it in pearls, you know? Make it a work of art. The whole time she's doing this, her eyes sweep back and forth: George, Trump, Carolyn, Trump, George, Trump. "You're a great presenter!" He says something about wanting some pizza sandwich based on her rhetorical skills, but it sounds like he's actually saying, "I want a piece of her right now!" Carolyn giggles, because if Trump eats one pizza sandwich, he'll die, and she will set into motion her evil plan where she takes out anyone who could inherit at once, all over the country, like in The Godfather, and then she becomes Trump.
The price point was set by "team consensus," they explain, so there's no hook there for anybody in particular, and then Carolyn taps into her hat rage: "It's a fucking 7-Eleven, you morons. Any kid off the street would tell you it's too much. This ain't Fancy Street! Did anybody ask a manager or somebody the average price of a sandwich?" Fuckin' Lee did, and it was $5-6, including a drink. "What were you thinking?" she hisses. Leslie's like, price aside, we had a killer promo item, and we're good salespeople, so we were thinking we would sell some sandwiches. George explodes: "It's a fucking sandwich. It doesn't take specialized goddamned expertise to go sell a sandwich. It's not something you can fucking excel at. It's going to come down to price, always." She agrees, but points out they didn't really have a hard time selling the sandwiches.
Michael intensely says that Leslie was a good manager, but they lost after all, and Lee says she did certain things good [sic], but in the end, they lost because of price and overall strategy. So, not listening to Lee, basically, was the problem. And yeah, this week he's right. Carolyn's like, the cooler was awesome, the whole thing is great. One thing got you, and that's sad. Lee gets very excited and yippy about agreeing with her so much about how they did a dumb, bad thing and deserve to be slapped and whatever, he's just such an ass-kisser. George explains to them that the pizza sandwich is actually "two slices of pizza." Which is a good point. You could buy a couple of slices of pizza and whip one up for yourself for like $3. Why you would want to do that, he does not explain. So…say $5, and they've doubled that. Stupid.
Lee's like, "I know right? We suck, right? We bit it on this one, huh?" Finally George has had enough of that little song and dance. "Where the fuck do you get off? Why didn't you fix it, if you were so onto the issue?" Lee whines that he tried. "Not hard enough, pisher." I love George. Lee reminds everyone that it wasn't his decision, and that he gave her the information, and that he basically did nothing, so powerful was his wanting her to lower the price that it was exhausting. Leslie's like, "As usual, Lee is pulling this shit again," and she says it in such a stuttering poor way that not even Carolyn gets what she's saying, and makes a hilarious face: head cocked, mouth a thin line that's both condescending and withering, the entire history of fuck-uppery contained in the arch of one perfect eyebrow. Leslie complains that Lee's never supported a PM, and he screams at her, and they talk over each other and it's obnoxious and they're not saying anything anyway. Trump tells her not to bring only one person back, under any circumstances, and that she should bring back two people, or any number greater than one, and asks which two, not one, people she's bringing back. "Just Lee." Trump asks her who the other person is that she will be bringing back if she knows what's good for her. Nope, just Lee. He's like, "Your funeral, lady."
They get up to leave, and Charmaine -- looking like she's wigging out, a brittle smile on her faces, and I wonder if this was a stressful BR for her in some way we didn't see -- says that Trump didn't ask her about who should be fired, but for the record it shouldn't be Leslie. Lee disappeared, wasn't happy with the price point and didn't try to change it, but didn't then cowboy up and help with the task or do any actual work. On first viewing, I found this pretty icky, but going back, she does keep it on the Fact side of the line. "You didn't ask, but here's what I would have said, and I deserve to say my piece." Leslie and Michael are queasy and fidgety in the background; Lee just tries to yell and interrupt some more. I fire him from my whole life. Oh, plus how her faces are out to get him anyway because they got slapped by his BFF Lenny an hour/week ago. Trump seems to think this little FYI business is kind of icky anyway, though.
Back into the Boardroom! Trump asks why just Lee, and Leslie ticks off the reason: Michael and Charmaine were awesome, even Tarek has his place and worked his hot ass off. So...Lee goes like this, he goes, "Leslie Leslie Leslie I negotiated the store manager to clear all of the shelves!" You...asked him to. As did the other team. Leslie explains to him that she would have done the same, in the morning, and it's not quite the fucking feat he thinks. Carolyn does think it was pretty smart, though. Leslie and Lee yell at each other for awhile, and fight for Trump's affection, and gross out Carolyn a whole lot, and she calls him "honey" at some point and tries her best to give the impression that he is going off the rails and is dangerously out of control, not to mention being very rude. It's quite a disgusting display, but I can't say she stays clean in the middle of it. "Mr. Trump! He has a lack of discipline of some type!" Which is funny, and how she keeps yelling, "Stop talkin', Lee!" And there's a good part where he somehow manages to get her backed into a corner and explaining her whereabouts, which was impressive to see, but whatever, they're boring and repetitive and it goes forever.
Lee: "Who is the most price-sensitive people in the market?"
Trump: "You tell me."
Lee: "College students and senior citizens."
Trump: "I thought you were going to say something else."
Lee: "...No."
Jacob: "Jesus fucking Christ, Donald Trump."
Offensive doesn't cover it. So Lee gives them a speech about how college students and seniors are thrifty and how, "If you're pennies off, you can price yourself out of the market. I learned that from you, Mr. Trump!" Really? Not from Economics For Dummies? Douchebag. They argue and he never, ever stops talking, but doesn't say anything, kisses tons of ass, and is generally reprehensible and the worst thing I can think of right now on this show. I had this epiphany that the show actually wants you to hate first one person then another, and it's not that I'm expressing my resentment of the show by focusing my rage all on one person. So that's good to know. Trump tells Lee he's more talented than he has just demonstrated, and Lee has no idea what he's talking about, so he just keeps talking and blabbing about nothing. It's gross. Trump explains that the loss of manpower due to Lee's "deal" was more than justified. He doesn't tell the most compelling part, which is that Lee is worthless as an employee and might as well not have been there for all the hard work he would have done. He then explains to Leslie that, while Lee's traitorous CYA stuff every week is disgusting, it's neither at issue nor what lost the task. Whilst all of this explaining is going on, Lee is yelling in her other ear. Like he never, ever stops talking from the second the Boardroom door opens.
Trump: "Sure, but you fucked up."
Leslie: "But he's awful!"
Trump: "Sure, but you fucked up."
Leslie: "But he's playing you!"
Trump: "Sure, but you fucked up."
Leslie: "But he does this every week!"
Trump: "Sure, but you fucked up."
Leslie: "Well, you're right."
It's a compelling line of reasoning, but it is fucking boring-ass television. Then, Leslie is fired. Happy fucking birthday! That's so sad. Carolyn smiles in a pretty, quite lifelike manner as they leave. I think she likes Leslie a lot. Lee opens the door for her, and in the foyer, they hug, and she wishes him luck. Trump says it's "a little sad" because he likes Leslie, and Carolyn thinks Leslie "will be very successful," and George -- out of nowhere -- thinks she doesn't "have the ability and the drive that's necessary." But she's this athlete, so I really doubt weakness or discipline are her weak links. Trump does the magical good vibes hand wave again. So weird.
I wish that there were like a...snake. Like a pit viper. In the hallway outside the suite. And I wish that Lee, walking back, would startle and enrage it. And that it would leap up from the carpet, and sink its fangs deep into his lovely skin, and I wish that he would fall into a deep, deep sleep for the rest of the season. I never wished for more Jewish holidays before -- I don't know where you'd stick them. But I do wish they would happen on this show a bunch more times, because life without Lee is sparkle-fresh.
Not-So-Crazy Taxi, Class Act Edition: "I did what I thought was right, I stuck to what I believed in, and I brought the person in that I thought was the right person to bring in. I'm also wondering if anybody else has ever gotten fired on their birthday before. I think that you have a better chance honestly of winning the lottery or being struck by lightning than being PM and getting fired all on your birthday...I might go buy a lotto ticket tonight or something." Maybe fly an aluminum kite in a thunderstorm. Dunno.
So much like an hour/week ago, the lesson is clear: don't let the fact that someone is disgusting or annoying or cheesy throw you off the scent of truth. You really won't have any leg to stand on if your basic cover story is, "But the other 99 times he wasn't saying anything!" That's a whole lot like letting somebody else make the call for you, which is weak and stupid -- you're not giving them any lovely gift by ignoring their input. Think of it like this: if I have a loaf of bread and I give you my loaf of bread, then I have no loaf. Loafless and lame and limp. But ideas -- if I tell you my idea, I still have my idea too. Which means it doesn't smell like my house, like, it isn't mine anymore, because now you have it and it's yours, which means you can hate me all you want, but if you ignore the ideas because you hate me, it's you that is the dumb-ass, no matter if the ideas are right or wrong. Kind of the emotional equivalent of "speak my language," really -- don't let the inessentials cloud your ability to judge something on its own merits. Because it hurts just that much more when the dumb-ass is proven right.