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The Final Two task starts off promisingly, with Rebecca and Randal at a hair-raisingly intense dinner with Carolyn and George in which they pick their teams for the event management task. Seriously, it's a reptilian-level display of cold-blooded aggression and gentleman's-agreement negotiation, moving toward what's generally the best part of every season, awkward-wise. Not so much, this time around, as they choose their three favorite past candidates with about ten minutes of weirdness and then embark on a whirlwind tour ofâ¦uninteresting efficiency and politeness.
Rebecca, representing Capital Edge, negotiates Randal out of Chris and James, misses out on Josh, and then pulls a kind of foreseeable whack move by selecting Toral. It would appear that Randal does not have a problem with that. The task is an All-Star Comedy Benefit for pediatric AIDS in conjunction with Yahoo! The most troubling bit here is the inclusion of '80s comedian-turned-creepy steroid case Joe Piscopo as the event's emcee, but he drops out due to "union conflicts," which is completely shocking in that it happens every season. Toral does a great job picking up on some Yahoo! body language, reading a room for once in her life; James is as nice and helpful and unmemorable as ever; and the rampantly proud Chris blows the other boys' minds w/r/t his outstanding and sudden gayness.
Excel, consisting of PM Randal, Josh, Marshawn, and Mark, gets a baseball event in coordination with Outback benefiting Autism Speaks. Randal gets a weird, weird edit where he: drags the entire team to a party supply store where they count pieces of irrelevant plastic crap for five hours; misses a promotion meeting; forces Mark to set up the entire event single-handed while the rest of them watch and marvel; and causes it to rain through the power of the jinx. Josh makes a sweet connection with the charity rep, and Randal not only ticks her off, but is also raked over the coals by the oily Outback guy. Marshawn and Randal spend most of the episode in that strange Marshawn lacuna place, doing nothing and being invisible, and Mark does everything. Everything.
To review: Rebecca must combine the concepts of internet portals, hilarious comedy, the absence of Joe Piscopo, and the always-cheerful pediatric AIDS. Meanwhile, Randal will be synthesizing the concepts of baseball, fake-Aussie overpriced cuisine, and autism. In the rain. Without tents. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
My, my. The whole formula here is completely wacky! We start back in the past, with a redux on the glorious Alla/Felisha meltdown from last week, and jump back and forth from that to Randal and Rebecca hanging out against the ugly abstract expressionist painting that greets you on entering the suite, talking about how clearly it will be Alla that comes back, Felisha having found herself under a bus. They're watching the door like hawks and there is much discussion and interview footage about the whole Alla-Is-The-Winner thing. It's nice as an editorial nod to Alla's rocking awesomeness, but because the narrative is a bit less sophisticated than one might think, Burnett-wise we're actually gearing up for the hilarity of neither of them coming back. That's it, and underscored one hundred times. The flashback footage is mostly about how horrified Trump was by Alla's openly abusive takedown of Felisha, and by the boner it gave him.
Alla licks her lips and tiptoes out just like she's on Scooby Doo and you can hear that squinkly-squinkly sound effect, and then Trump informs her she is too vile to be a part of the Trumpanies, and then gets all excited about getting to go inform Rebecca and Randal about this latest turn of events. He goes about it in the less normal fashion of heading back into the chthonic depths of that secret door of his in the Boardroom that he always comes out of, and you always expect like steam or smoke or Halloween screams or a scary red glow or whatever. If that creepy black room leads to the suite, it's through some kind of icky secret passageways and that makes me so scared I might cry, like, you're going to see paintings in the suite with the eyes going back and forth and creepy suits of armor or whatever, bookcases that swing open in the dead of night when you twist the candlesticks and the Heir of Slytherin and whatnot.
The door opens, and Rebecca and Randal smile gorgeously at the creepy sight of Trump walking in, and he's like, "You're expecting…who?" and they admit it's Alla. He makes a funny Martha noise, like this oh mm-hmm sound, and then congratulates them both. They already know what's up, since it's obvious, but pretend to be all, "What? What is it, Mr. Trump?" so he can blow their minds with a fake surprise, which is very sweet of them. "I fired them both," he says, and there's a weird snake rattle sound, and they are both astounded to learn that they are the Final Two. You guys, they look so tired. Like they haven't slept in weeks, which is exactly the case. I want to cuddle them both in my lap and sing until they go to sleep because that shit is not good for your skin. I think a good lullaby for Randal would be "Superman" by Five For Fighting due to its quiet yearning. I think for Rebecca I would sing "The Official Ironmen Rally Song" by Guided By Voices so she would learn about sophisticated, intellectual tunes, or maybe something from the Belinda Carlisle oeuvre.
Rebecca -- neither of them are all that coherent at this point -- interviews that she "wanted to laugh, like WHAT?" and they both laugh and shoot finger guns at each other and blow up their cheeks like Dizzy Gillespie and make inappropriate Redskins sounds and then they start crumping, which is hard with crutches, and they don't say anything that makes sense, and Trump watches them, thinking, "Yes, this is exactly what I wanted." He reminds them that this process began with over a million candidates, and now there are just two of them, and they giggle and smile and breakdance and make origami.
Trump sends them to his "favorite restaurant" which is a "wonderful restaurant" and whatever, Megu, where they will be having dinner with George and Carolyn. The timing on this is weird, because he just crept through his secret passageways from Bill and Carolyn, but now George and Carolyn are over at Megu waiting on them. Trump points out that this a good opportunity to get inside his head, like that's a place you'd ever fucking want to visit, and Rebecca breathes, "Wonderful!" He tells them that one of them will win, again, just in case they weren't clear, and then warns them that tomorrow will be hell, so they should have a great meal while they still can. Trump leaves and they shake hands and grin sweetly at each other, and Randal's like, "It's about to get crazy." Rebecca shoots him a snaky look, that super-spy look she does with her gorgeous hair in her face and they glare at each other like they're going to get into a knife fight, and then they fall all over each other giggling, and that's the best part of the entire episode.
George has his first sashimi and makes the obligatory joke about how it's going to climb off his plate, and Carolyn smiles affectionately and quips that "It's all about adaptability." First of all, word, but second of all, is this how high-powered executives really talk all the time? "I've never had sashimi before." "It's time to step up to the plate, my friend." Randal interviews how lucky they are to have this opportunity, of course, and then asks for some final advice from Carolyn and George. Instead of an answer, we clip to George explaining that they need to pick their teams. They're like, "This evening?" Yeah, by the end of dinner. This is clearly the most fun Carolyn's had in a while, and she smiles intensely throughout this entire scene, asking brightly, "Have you thought about your teams yet?" Rebecca has, of course, and then fills us in interview that she's thought "long and hard" about it "long before this" and just goes all crossword-with-a-switchblade on the concept of team-picking, finishing up that she "will get them" and she will not "take no for an answer."
Carolyn's so excited right now, it's hilarious. It's like she's at the circus! But not the fun one with clowns and bears on bikes, the other one. With the lions and Christians. Randal says that he wants Josh, James, and Mark. Rebecca -- with that intense "my integrity Mr. Trump" face that makes you think she's got a gun on you -- calls Josh, James, and Chris. I pick Josh, Chris, and Alla, but Carolyn doesn't care who I want because she's so excited there's a conflict here. "Well, you have a problem!" It's so delightful, this, that she says it like she's saying, "Well, you have an annuity!" or "Well, you have a package waiting from Dean & DeLuca!" They look at each other, and Randal interviews that once he saw Rebecca with her game face on, he realized, "It's on!" So I guess he's seen her with her game face not on, which concept I cannot fathom.
Rebecca offers Randal Josh for James, and Randal asks whether Chris is really her third pick, and without blinking, just repeats herself: "I'll give you Josh for James." She says it with a head-flick that is really eloquent on the theme of "Don't fucking worry about it and don't even try to change the subject until you answer me. I've got a fork." They grin at each other and Randal looks slightly less crazy than Rebecca right now, and Carolyn is loving this so, so much. It's wonderful. Randal accepts: "I'll take Josh for James...I would want Chris second." She grins and flicks again. "I picked Chris from the beginning." He is stumped. "You knew, didn't you, that we were going to have to meet somewhere in the middle? Or did you think you were just going to get your way completely?" Carolyn almost fucking high-fives her.
Randal explains that he has not considered all possible scenarios "that might unfold," and Rebecca hums at him, hmmm, a "tut-tut" kind of hum, narrows her eyes, takes a sip of wine, looks over at the Viceroys. I propose marriage, causing Carolyn to challenge me to a duel for Rebecca's honor. Rebecca interviews that Chris is important to both of them, that he was taken off the board too early, that his full "horsepower" has not been "unleashed." As we'll see, this is because of a seriously regrettable lack of leather bars in East Texas. Randal floats that they'll have to negotiate for Chris, and Rebecca jumps: "So you'd give up Josh for Chris?" and of course he's like, "No, no no no," because they both know they'd want Josh over anybody else anyway, so they laugh because they already know this. They're both on the same wavelength, about all of it, so it's mostly for effect, like she's putting all her cards on the table and daring him to do the same, but this is just theatre, because they both know all the cards were really already there. Carolyn and George being there...they've coughed on the petri dish of these negotiations. I wouldn't change it for the world, because Carolyn is being outstandingly appealing, but I wonder how this would have gone if Rebecca didn't have to be the Greek chorus here and explain the mind-meld play-by-play for George and Carolyn. If it were just the two of them. Probably boring, actually, because they wouldn't really talk, just do the eyebrows and arcane hand movements that are their true language.
Rebecca reminds him that she put Chris on the table first, and Randal counters that it's not a valid point, that he's "not going to budge on Chris just because" he mentioned Mark first in his list. He explains that they're going to have to flip a coin or something about Chris, because they could be there all night; he's not backing down on Chris for round two. George flips the coin (Rebecca: "Randal, you want to call it in the air?") and he calls heads, "always heads," and it's tails, so Rebecca has Chris, and Randal chooses Mark. Don't know why. ["I was totally behind that. Mark was the one victim of that four-shot firing I was kind of sad for." -- Sars] She cocks her head at him. "Who's your third pick? I'm thinking about...Toral." The pause is just long enough for maximum shock and awe, and she takes another dramatic sip of wine as everybody goes nuts. Rene Russo, eat your heart out -- I just got a new free pass ladyfriend. Men and women of the world, with your "Angelina Jolie" and your "Charlize Theron," have fun. I vote Rebecca Jarvis. God. Carolyn looks over at George and shakes her head, because the math on this decision requires a graphing calculator, and she hasn't got one because there's not really a purse big enough for one that goes with this outfit, so she settles for having a tiny stroke instead.
Randal is awesome: "That's...deep." He then is amazingly, beautifully cool: "If you want her, she's yours." Like he's being generous. I guess it really is on, because his first response had to be, like, a general "Are you fucking high?" which blended quickly into a crescendo of "I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS! WHEN MY MOTHER YELLS LIKE THIS IT'S BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME!" And just when Carolyn gets ready to flip the table over and start screaming like the Incredible Hulk, Rebecca slugs another gulp of wine and grins, murmuring, "I'm still thinking." Randal interviews heavily about how much Toral sucks, how Rebecca would get in your face all about how Toral has all this talent and potential, but in point of fact none of them have ever seen her demonstrate this, but he's missing the point, which is that Rebecca actually wants to win this shit with two broken ankles. The two times Trump has been really violently impressed with Rebecca were when she laser-eyeballed him about the ankle, and when she pulled a knife on him for Toral. Come on, Randal. She didn't just randomly become stupid, today, and it's not that she just has a blind spot when it comes to Toral. Not anymore, anyhow -- she made that clear at Toral's firing that she was willing to reconsider. There's an angle here.
Carolyn asks how that might go, considering that Rebecca recommended that she be fired (and remember, it was explicitly due to team dynamic that Rebecca said that), and Carolyn basically asks Rebecca to prognosticate Toral's behavior on this task. I'm like, "Ugly and incompetent to a degree you might call trippy?" But that's just a guess. Rebecca smiles, and just as the cagey mystical oblique thing is getting tired, she levels: "We'll see." Carolyn says it might be risky, and Rebecca gets intense: "I understand." Carolyn returns the serve: "Yeah?" It's so awesome. Randal's end pick is Marshawn, the only one nobody fought about, and Carolyn breaks it down: Rebecca gets James, Chris, and -- she kind of shudders -- Toral, and Randal gets Josh, Mark, and Marshawn. Then everybody gets celebratory about how they've got their teams picked out, and how now they have employees. Everybody kind of stares around the table with their fists clenched, because they're having an adrenaline conversion issue where the body is still signaling fight/flight but it's just in reality time to eat sashimi in their dress-up clothes.
Flash Quiz! Choose three:
Volatile, brilliant, abusive, controlling, business-minded genius with a heart of ice
Secretly smart, outwardly pliable doormat with a head for presentation and a pilot's license
Soft-style manager with a sweet heart and giant hair who cannot deal with men at all
Brassy and "bold" shrieker with a tendency to ignore crucial stuff in favor of bitching
Milkshake-hating self-enthusiast with a chip on her shoulder and a hateful nature
Pointless party planner with a literacy problem and a tendency to cry inappropriately
Self-hating racist freakshow with a general lack of sanity and inability to shut the hell up
Creative thinker with a paranoid streak a mile wide and his "bitchy" knob broken off
Shy Jewish boy from Atlanta who jumps at loud noises and adult content
Total space cadet with a loser's incompetence and a whiner's sense of entitlement
Tiny manager who can't stop babbling but does well with logistics
Chubby metro guy with really good business skills and a secretly bitchy, cliquish nature
Some guy with dimples who's into baseball and never talks
Illiterate hick with a charming smile and a simple love of all things, especially Randal
Gigantic gay ex-football player with a love of sassy fabrics and bud vases
Harder than you thought, huh?
morning, as they're getting themselves together, Randal interviews that he's still kind of having trouble thinking of this as a competition, that he still thinks of Rebecca as a sister and it's a difficult headspace. I love Randal, because we totally get this, don't we? Yeah, it's tough, and gross, and you have to do it. Everybody thinks they're an adult until they have to cram two weeks of processing into twenty minutes of love/hate/rise above. Worst thing in the world, especially when you are sleep-deprived and have been constantly on for what, eleven weeks now? We cut to what you might think is a parallel interview moment, where Rebecca is talking about how she's ten years younger than Randal but still his equal in every way and how she will be taking him down. To underscore the deal here, love v. destruction, he's wearing a white suit and she's wearing a black suit, and I can't choose between them.
In the Boardroom, Randal pulls out her chair -- Trump remarks on this -- and they smile and attempt to look bright-eyed for him, but they look completely sleepy. Trump makes a big deal about explaining that the Viceroys are both at "business meetings" and will be catching up with the teams later, and then asks how they're feeling. Broken and worn out, of course, but instead we get the usual. Randal's feeling "very good Mr. Trump" and most especially about his "excellent record," which includes three wins, zero losses, the respect of everyone in the universe, and all this with a dead grandmother, whose memory he has honored while staying completely on task. Rebecca feels like she has a broken ankle but is still here. She's "still here, Mr. Trump" and she's "here to win" and she's "still here." Trump -- in recognition of the fact that this weird little speech, while just as disingenuous and fakely "off the cuff" as Randal's, was not as good -- makes Randal agree with him that most people would have left in face of such a horrible disfigurement as a broken ankle. She nods, noting that she's "still here, Mr. Trump."
Trump tells them that their task will be "twice as difficult as anything" they've done thus far. If you're wondering, Rebecca is still there as he says this. They'll be managing all aspects of two huge charity events. Rebecca's task is an All-Star Comedy Benefit with Yahoo! for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, starring many comedians, plus Joe Piscopo and his whole bag of bullshit. Meanwhile, Randal will be working with Outback Steakhouse on a VIP Softball Challenge to benefit Autism Speaks at Keyspan Park on Coney Island. They'll have to deal with the corporate sponsors, the charities themselves, organize the event including budget and staff, and throw a VIP party, and will judged based on "attendee experience." His voice gets louder all through this until he's just fucking screaming at them. It's so obnoxious.
Robin sends in the teams -- Trump: "WHAT A GROUP OF KILLERS!" -- and Josh looks even better than before, although Chris looks a little worse. He's got a recurrent doughiness happening that -- remember Chris from Season Three? Like that. The difference? Season Three Chris was probably not a homosexual. Toral's just as pretty, with her inner grossness clearly intact, Mark and James are still incredibly sweet guys who don't matter at all, and lovely Marshawn blinks in and out of existence like a quantum particle. Rebecca's team is Capital Edge: that's Chris, James, and Toral. Randal is the new Excel: Marshawn, Josh, and Mark.
Trump congratulates them on their "choice of people," calling it somewhat "controversial," and asks Toral whether she's surprised to have been called back up. I can't fault her answer, because it's a good one, although my assumption is that it's coming from an uglier place than it would be if somebody else said it: "Rebecca recognizes talent, sir." He asks what she thinks of her defender and eventual betrayer, and she calls herself "a huge fan," and says that Rebecca is "possibly" a great addition to the Trumpanies. He asks whether she's going to fight really hard for Rebecca, and she says "tooth and nail," and it's funny because you immediately go to unless I break a nail, right, but then I think about her breaking a tooth, like, gnawing on something, and that's funny. He explains that Toral should be fighting for Rebecca harder than any other, considering Rebecca nearly smacked the Donald with a peg leg for her, and yeah, Toral giggles, but he's somehow missed the part of the story where Toral's missing both gratitude and decency, because those come with a soul, and she doesn't have one of those, just cold milkshake blood, pumped by a muscle called "arrogance." Randal tells Trump that he looks at his team and sees three individuals that he trusts, and who will work their tails off for him. Well, one of them will work. The other two will drink mai tais and watch Mark working until he drops dead of exhaustion. But all in good time.
After Jamie Lee's Tiny Penis tells us how fun Monopoly and Operation! are to play with your family during this holiday season, Randal carries Rebecca's stuff out to the fleet of SUV's (they're Escalades, which always makes me laugh because my friend Ali has got me pronouncing it "Esca-laahd," which I find is way classier when you're rolling up with bitches and Dom, as I so often do) and they wish each other luck and are very cool and friendly and polite. Dear Alla: This is why being a grownup is fun! But kind of boring! Randal is very, very cute about how much he's missed his teammates and he's very excited about working with them. And it's funny, because the editing on this show would have you believe that he is excited about working with A) an illiterate hick, B) a lazy chick who gives up at the last second, and C) the male Kristi. But like, we're supposed to have known all along that they were being portrayed as ridiculous stereotypes and that we're supposed to be happy for him. And yeah, we did and we are, but it's still funny to think about.
Rebecca is very on-task with her team, allowing a few seconds for them to thank her for picking them, and she gives interview that they are "loyal" and "intelligent" and in some cases "underestimated." She leaves out the part where they also share the quality of not being Josh, whom she wanted first. She appoints Toral the accountant, and then there is montage of her being very orderly and good at management. I have to say, I really think Rebecca's improved. That's not the high premium on this show that it is with, say, America's Top Model, so we don't spend too much time on it, but I've been noticing each week that the whole deal that bugged the team her first go-round as PM, when she was like, "Don't do this, don't do that, don't waste time, don't irritate me" and there was bristling, she's not really doing that at all. And I like that she modified her approach, and I've been meaning to mention that. Anyway, she interviews that she's learned that success in this game always comes down to the team effort, not one person, and she's happy to trust her team on this. The music gets very excited, the cars pull out into the street, and...hit crawling traffic. The music is not discouraged by this.
Mark interviews that he trusts and really respects Randal, and that he will do everything he can to get "Superman" elected to the Trumpanies. He underscores that there's "nothing wrong with Randal." Randal delegates the three main areas of the task: Marshawn will handle the VIP Party -- excellent, all that hospitality and VIP list stuff she likes -- Mark's in charge of field logistics and the commentators -- also great -- and Josh will concentrate on charming the charity and dealing with the fundraising. This is a thing Randal does really well, isn't it? This delegation thing. Josh interviews that Randal is wonderful and that he will do "anything" to make sure Randal wins.
Over with Capital Edge, James explains about the Glaser Foundation and the Yahoo sponsorship, about how (for both teams) the task is about meeting the needs of both entities at once. There will be 300 guests at the comedy show, including 100 VIPs. There will be a valet service, Toral is really short, and James is amazed by how many "moving parts" there are for Rebecca to worry about. Toral interviews that being called back is such a great vote of confidence by Rebecca that they have to repay her with doing a great job. So wait, what you're saying is, when Rebecca risks her own position by showing confidence in you, the proper response is to actually give it a fucking shot? I'm confused, Toral. Maybe you'd better start at the beginning. I'm not actually smart enough to be your administrative assistant, and I've somehow made my peace with that, but maybe you could explain this to me like I'm a fucking kindergartner, because I think I'm missing something. You giant asshole.
James gives that exact same interview everybody else has given about how he wants to support Rebecca, Randal's a "great guy" but he's here to win! He's here to "beat Randal!...with Rebecca!" Chris immediately starts that self-hyping shit, whipping everybody into stiff peaks about how great the venue is and how it's going to be totally lush or whatever, and Rebecca interviews that she's never done any event planning before, but "will react in the same way" that she has done everything else: with a "can do" attitude and freakish unblinking laser eyeball intensity. They discuss flow, getting people down to the actual fundraising event and not just staying in the VIP area or something, I don't really know because I can't visualize this at all, either team, the camera work is really skimpy on layout and there's not really a very clear picture in terms of space, spaces that they're working in, so there's...I know there's going to be a stage, and a Thinking-Chair-lookin' deal, and bartenders, and that's all I really know. Joe Piscopo. There will be areas, basically, and people will be in these areas, I think, at some point.
Chris and James meet with Joe Piscopo over dinner. I'm a stripling of a baby person, but I remember at least who Joe Piscopo is. On the off chance, it's pretty simple: Stand-up comedian turned bodybuilding enthusiast turned shiller of anything. It's been a long, strange road for Joe, and he's never really been that funny or that cool, never really made the jump from personality to celebrity, you know, but he's a nice guy, relatively smart, and he's getting back to a more normal size for a person, so let's be nice. After all, Joe Piscopo hates pediatric AIDS, and I think we can all agree this is a sign of a decent guy. He's really excited about this, supposedly, but spends the entire dinner grinning cagily, because -- just like every fucking season -- he's going to pull out of the emcee job at the last second, and it seems clear that he knows this, so it's weird. Chris is really working him, just being incredibly sweet, and he and James work really well together, in that Glengarry Glen Ross kind of hard-sell yipping way. Joe is very into all of this, but not a great actor. Walking home, the boys laugh about how "Oh, last night at dinner with Joe Piscopo," and how he's basically the "entire event" and Joe's ready to "give his all" and the world will come tumbling down if Joe somehow doesn't come through, and it's like Mark Burnett is a lady and his dress is tucked into his pantyhose? You're insulting my intelligence and you don't even know it, and I don't know on whose behalf I am more upset, yours or mine.
Rebecca admits that her team -- since they've been sequestering it up for a while now -- is way more awake than she is right now, and she tells them that she feels bad about not going to meet Piscopo, but that she will just have to meet him tomorrow, and Chris tells us about his continuing respect for her, and tells her she's doing a great job. He interviews that she's clearly exhausted -- physically, emotionally, mentally -- but continues to be amazing. She's "proven herself as a player," and he says that as much as he loves and respects Randal, which by the way he does not mean in a gay way, he thinks that Rebecca's going to give Randal a run for his money.
The plan is that Marshawn and Mark are going to meet the radio guys doing color commentary, and they're like famous or something, but then you know it's doomed because they're supposed to meet them at 10:15, and as we all know, that's the Hour Of The Wolf on this show. Soon enough, it gets pushed back a little, and then a little further, as for no reason they can fathom one by one they are pulled into the visit to Party City. Marshawn wants to go because she's the VIP reception person: fine. Josh wants to go because...well, you know. He's "like Chris." Marshawn's kind of nervous about going on the shopping trip, because that's 75% of all members of Excel, going to buy party favors and plastic crap, but Josh and Randal agree that she should be going. Which is true. Except she should be going alone. Randal summons Mark, and he's like, "I'm supposed to be meeting Jim Kerr," and Randal doesn't care. "Move it to eleven!" Mark's like, "That's Randal's call, I guess." So fine, they're all going to the Plastic Crap Party for no reason. Weird.
Quick Quiz! Seriously, now. You're the least graphically-savvy member of a four-person team, whose entire problem on the show was a demonstrated inability to make anything look right. One assumes that this extends to fabulous party-planning. Your flustered PM, for reasons no one will ever understand, tells you to drop what you're doing -- a thing you're good at, which is charming Good Old Boys like yourself -- and come on down to Party City. Multiple choice:
A: That sounds great, but I've already moved the meeting twice and I think I've almost got this worked out.
B: Why don't you let Marshawn and Josh worry about that, and stay here and do something, you know, productive with your time?
C: See if any of this rings a bell: "Green With Envy"? "The Rebirth of Small-I Italian Intimidation"? "Jean Genie The Dairy Queenie With A Little Weenie"? Do you really want me there contributing to the overall effect?
D: Reach deep into your imagination drawer and tell me what the fuck I'd be doing at the party store, I mean really draw me a picture, because I don't think you've thought this through; I think you're feeling overwhelmed and your first impulse is to circle the wagons, which is actually the management equivalent of the fetal position, and a sign you need to take a nap and let us shoulder the burden for an hour or two.
Answer Key: Trick question! They're all different ways of saying the same thing!
James, Chris, and Toral are meanwhile making the whole thing come together for the comedy benefit, and doing a great job, and Chris continues to lead the cheering: "We're going to make it happen!" Yeah, diva! Get it! And no, I'm not letting this go! You basically said "fag" on TV, douchebag. And actually, that's not the part I hate, the part I hate is that you don't even have a problem with that, because at least now people have heard you almost say "fag" on TV, so it's like a secret code to the ladies and the fellas that you're totally straight, not at all gay, even as you blossom before their eyes into some pretty outstanding gayness, and that's really immature -- if you were actually secure in your sexuality, you'd be doing this "glitter and shimmer" shit with a straight face, and it wouldn't be a question, and you wouldn't have to wink and nudge the camera the whole time like a fucking sketcher. I mean, it's not a deal-breaker, for me personally, because gender and sexuality is advanced jelly and lots of guys are ridiculous about it, so it's like completely writing people off for their religious quirks or eating habits or something, so I still like Chris just fine; it's just the equivalent of noticing that Kristi's kind of an asshole or that Alla might actually be a bitch. I mean, the fact that it's concentrated on him -- like, he didn't say, "James is being kind of a fag" or anything, he was talking about himself -- kind of makes that clear, doesn't it? Anyway. Dear Chris: Trust me, you are not gay. Please stop being weird and offensive about it.
P.S. Alexis sends her best, also. Speaking of indeterminate sexuality.
At Party City you get the bassoon of impending failure, and the stompy-face editing we've been getting, I don't know if that's a real thing or a red herring, because they're both dumb. I love Rebecca, but I'm going to feel all kinds of M. Night Shyamalanned if Randal doesn't get hired week. Mark's world-weary and Party Citied out about this shit, and we are treated to a montage of all kinds of plastic crap that they're shopping for, and Mark's about as comfortable here as he would be at the OB/GYN and just whining: "Ribbons, place cards...I don't know why it takes all four of us…" Neither do we. Neither does Randal. Josh finds some megaphones and distracts the cashier while Randal goes sprinting out the store with them. Mark explains again that he's already rescheduled with the guy, but Randal is too busy counting random pieces of plastic crap and Mark's begging to go to this meeting, and Randal pulls rank. So Mark has to call the dude -- his whole assignment for the day -- and there's a pretty awkward conversation. Like, you try to imagine being Mark, having to make that call. ("No, actually I'm not calling to reschedule for a fifteenth time, I'm calling to cancel altogether. Sorry I wasted your entire morning for you. Um, I'd prefer not to tell you why because it's too embarrassing.") It's just too yucky. Mark interviews that this is the first decision of Randal's that he's not in complete agreement with, and bemoans the fact that they're already off schedule.
Capital Edge meets with Jake Glaser, the son of Elizabeth Glaser, in whose memory the foundation was created. He is wearing a suit jacket. He is also wearing tennis shoes, dirty jeans, and a ratty baseball cap. To a business meeting. They talk about how Jake will be talking at some point during the evening, and explains that he's grown into the spokesperson for the foundation, a face that people can put to the cause, and he tells Rebecca that she's there with them, and Rebecca responds that it's an honor to be working with this foundation.
I still really need to know how this works. I've thought about it a bunch of times, how like AmFar, you've got all these wacky personalities and they do a whole thing about AIDS, very awful, very urgently terrible, everybody's sad and they crack open their wallets and maybe Sharon Stone stands up and starts talking about some entirely unrelated thing, and everybody makes fun of her, and then...something happens...and Margaret Cho's cracking jokes. It's the something that I wonder about. Like, do you have the "This foundation was started by my mom, who had AIDS" and then segue into hilarity? Or do you put him at the end, to sober people up for the ride home? Or stick him in the middle, like an intermission? Like you just hit pause on laughter? If I were classy, I'd already know this because I would be going to benefits all the time, like on The O.C. I've gotta work on that.
Josh and Randal joke around in the limo on the way to the ballpark -- and now they're both kind of making no sense when they talk -- to meet with the Outback CEO. He is so mean-looking. Randal explains the layout, and the sequence of events, how all three parts of the event will take place on the field. Outback Jerk wonders if they don't need tents for all attendees, in case of inclement weather, and then laughs like a carrion bird about "Don’t wanna jinx you!" Randal laughs weakly and is like, "You mean us, right? We're in this together, right?" And Outback gets really threatening: "No. It'll be your fault if it rains." Everybody laughs. Randal is not pleased by this style of humor. Clouds immediately begin to race across the sky, competing to see who will soak the ballpark first.
Rebecca welcomes a bevy of Yahoo! execs into the club. They are all incredibly intense. Like, enough that they make her nervous, rather than welcoming her into their intense tribe with open arms. She notes that if they change their minds on this, Day Two, she's screwed. They ask her a thousand questions that are about tiny details but seem really scary and hardcore, which is fine, because that's the point, but they are seriously acting like if she gets one wrong, they'll pull a lever and she'll go crashing through the floor and onto spikes. Wenda, the Hazy Shade of Wintour one, gets dicey about asking for donations, how that's going to work, because she doesn't want their VIP's to feel begged or bugged or harassed or put on the spot, and Toral picks up on this: "Are you opposed to us directly asking for a donation at a table...[or] when individuals are leaving…" Way to read a room, Tor, and it's awesome how she caught it and jumped in. Now just continue to do that every day of your life and we won't have any more problems. Wenda says that this would be crossing the line, and the intense Yahoo! guy says he'd prefer to just have the envelope in the gift bags. Rebecca interviews that you always listen to the client, so they will get whatever they want -- and we're back to thinking that the dollars raised will be the deciding factor again. Honestly, how could they not be? Maybe we're just overthinking this.
Cut to Mark, setting up everything. I mean, everything. He talks about how he wants the field "completely set up by the time" he leaves, and we watch him running around and doing stuff and being a total trouper. Upstairs, Marshawn and Josh and Randal talk and marvel and gasp and wonder and ooh and aah in astonishment at all the shit Mark's getting accomplished. While they...do nothing. Nothing. Nothing beyond having an intense and very impressed conversation about what a great worker Mark is, how much he is doing. Marshawn says that "I'll Get It Done" is like his middle name. The whole thing is so surreal -- there's got to be more to this. What were they really doing up there?
week, it's "the Brightest Final Two Yet" as Rebecca's lack of Piscopo "spells disaster" and Randal's "bad weather could end it all" and then there's the live hiring, it's all very exciting.
We didn't really learn a whole lot this week, because it's the endgame and so markedly different in format. There wasn't even Trump's Weekly Wisdom! What are we supposed to do? Well, no, actually, we got the best and most useful lesson of this season: we saw a couple of really good illustrations of how you have to put the client's needs at the forefront without letting them piss you off, or else take over and do your job -- somehow reassure them that you exist to make them happy, without letting them micromanage you. Even charities: Their aims are not yours, they have their own angle and agenda, and can't be shagged to worry about yours, so they're going to demand all of your attention, and so we learned you can't let them sidetrack you. And that the same thing applies to your gender. We learned that Toral can be in an episode without taking over, and is occasionally helpful (although you might want to check out the Extra Bonus Footage at the Yahoo! site for additional truths about this concept). We learned that, despite what this show would usually have you believe, being hardcore and good at business doesn't necessarily imply acting like an abusive assface -- that competition and respect can coexist. And it's nice!