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So for several weeks, it had appeared that John might be the rare reality show contestant who is moderately capable, reasonably decent, and a bit amusing. And then...the chain wallet. Well, really, it was "and then...Audrey," but it really gets going when we get to the chain wallet. See, the candidates have to go and visit celebrities to set up an auction-able "experience," Carson-Daly-style, and John decides he should take the lead, because he's the guy who's all down with the musicians and stuff. But it turns out that really, he's the guy who's all about himself, so he barely has time to explore possibilities for the auction. Oh, and Gene Simmons is so gross, and the poor BNL drummer almost has a heart attack when John wants to play his drums. But anyway, John fails to show any ambition in setting up the "experiences," unlike the very aggressive Tana and Craig, who weirdly make the perfect hip-hop promotional team (?). When a week with Moby and a week with Li'l Kim raise a bazillion dollars, a newly scrambled Magna (with Craig and Tana) beats a newly scrambled Net Worth (with Stephanie and Erin). In the Boardroom, it comes down to John and PM Chris, and for once, Trump decides that the person who did the screw-up should go, rather than the person who kept the screw-up person from committing the screw-up. But don't miss the fact that John is also paying the price for how he treated the task last week, because all of a sudden, it's like...they're onto him. At any rate, John takes a dive, making his one of the fastest and most appalling nosedives in reality show history. And what was his stupidest move of all? You got it: the chain wallet. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Audrey Cried The Day The Circus Came To Town: A golf task brought an already shaky Audrey to the shattering point when John, Chris, and Craig decided that it isn't necessary to listen to 22-year-olds, especially when they are (yuck) girls. Lacking either power or authority, and possessing absolutely none of the skills necessary to properly navigate a maze of dipwads, Audrey tried to make do with haranguing, which didn't work out so well for her. Despite the fact that Trump wasn't all that excited about Chris horking up tobacco juice in front of little children, Audrey's total inability to cope with what John was shoveling sent her home with nothing but stubby little pencils to remember the agony of the task by. Aww! Who can we get rid of now? Who? Who? Really, almost anyone's okay with me.
Night. Love Palace. Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch. Tana asks a very nervous-looking Chris, currently hunched over like a prisoner waiting to be sentenced and looking kind of sad in his little suit, who he thinks will take the fall. Others think it might be Audrey, but Chris frets that "they're hitting John so hard." He pauses and adds, "John's my boy, and they're hittin' him." (It's actually more like "John's my buoy," but that's the affectation talking.) Tana, unfazed by the foxhole-like loyalty Chris is exhibiting, asks Chris what he would do if Trump fired John, and Chris looks like he totally has no idea. It would be just that traumatic and disorienting. I'm telling you, don't believe those courtroom outbursts, people -- Chris is in love. Just then, the suite door opens. "Craiggers! Angie!" Chris shouts. ("Craiggers"? EW.) And then he looks around the corner, sees John, and goes apeshit. Chris interviews that he was "extremely excited," as if you couldn't tell from the thumping power of that man-hug. He says that John is "like [his] big brother." So that's how it is in their family. Once they're all done congratulating the returning team members, Net Worth has a dorky hands-in-the-center cheer for itself. Of course, their theory is undoubtedly that there will be no more losing, now that they got rid of the person whose fault it all was. It's a strange brand of optimism that breaks out among recently shrunken teams. It always leads to such sadness and disappointment.
In an awesome interview, John crows about how they walked out of the Boardroom without any hurt feelings. Except Audrey's, of course, and they crushed her under the wheels, so there's no use crying over spilt milk! I mean, is this dink listening to himself? When you all agree on a scapegoat and you successfully have her banished, it's not like the rest of you have accomplished anything all that impressive by walking out as friends. Nothing brings people together, after all, like blame-shifting. The Department of Defense gives the best Christmas parties.
The morning, the Rhonaphone rings, and Angie (who's apparently taking the job of designated answerer, thus depriving us of gossip-feeding shots of various people in assorted stages of undress, which seems rather unfair) picks it up as usual. Rhona tells Angie that both teams need to come to the Boardroom at 8:00 AM, and that they should choose their project managers before they get there. Oh, and the PMs have to be people who haven't done it yet, so no doubling up, pushy people like John. In one of the bedrooms, Kendra goes to Alex for fashion advice (uh...natch?) regarding whether to wear pants or a skirt. Alex advises her to wear "something powerful." Kendra explains that she's the last person on the team who hasn't been project manager, so it's all on her to do the honors this time. Not off to a great start showing a general reluctance to dress herself without getting all team-building about it, but we'll see how it goes. She says she's hoping to prove she's "a great leader" and "not flying under the radar." We watch her button up a weird puffy-sleeved blouse with a strange third-grade Easter pageant vibe. She just needs a big old purple hat. Kendra somewhat incongruously adds that she intends to induce Magna to "kick butt." Let's see, Alex, Bren, Kendra, Stephanie, Erin. Not seeing a lot of butt-kicking potential there, really.
Things at Net Worth are trickier in terms of PM selection, because they have two people left -- Craig and Chris -- who haven't done the job. Craig is ready to defer to Chris if Chris feels he has something to prove, and Chris says somewhat defensively (there's a shocker) that he thinks they all have something to prove. Angie interviews that her impression is that Craig bitches and moans a lot, but isn't interested in being PM. "Come on, step up!" she adds. Would that be...up to the plate? Because we know I can't hear that enough. Let's interface about it! Craig tells the team he feels like he has nothing to prove, and "project manager" is just a title, and you can't spell "leadership" without "eh" and so forth. Chris interviews elsewhere that ultimately, they decided the two of them should put their names in a hat. Anticlimactic, that. I wanted to see a fistfight. Of course, I always want to see a fistfight, so that doesn't prove a lot. Tana does the drawing, and it comes up Chris. But there's no time for talking about it, because it's almost time for Trump. The teams walk out of the L-Pal on their way to meet him.
Boardroom. George and Carolyn are already there, and Trump soon arrives. When he is seated, he gives a little wrap-up speech about how it's essentially a tie between college and high school at this point, so it just goes to show you that both education and experience are important. So no one is better than anyone else, and it didn't really matter! Wow. There's a theme that really paid off, drama-wise. time, let's do East Coast/West Coast. Or maybe Tall/Short. How about Drivers/Pedestrians? Sigh.
Fortunately, Trump announces a "corporate restructuring" so they can all work together and we can all stop pretending to care about this educational divide they've been trying to sell, and then he asks who the project manager is for Magna. When Kendra identifies herself, he asks her to pick two people she would rather not have on her team. Kendra rids herself of Erin and Stephanie, who walk over and stand with Net Worth. Trump then shifts over to Chris, who is asked who he would like to get rid of. Chris first sends over Tana, and then Craig. When they get over to the Magna side, Tana and Craig share a hug. Net Worth power! Trump announces that these are the new teams, and Kendra's team is still Magna, and Chris's is still Net Worth. Because we don't come up with new dorky names, and we don't have phony merges, and do you GET IT?
Trump then announces that the task is to produce an 11-minute live auction for Fuse TV to benefit (you guessed it) the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation, the official charity of reality shows everywhere. (That's actually kind of true.) I knew ahead of time that Fuse was involved in this task, because of a goofy email they sent me the day of the episode wanting TWoP to pimp them or something. Because that was likely to happen. Anyway, Trump says that each team will be assigned five "artists" from the world of music -- which Trump points out adds up to a total of ten, in case your math muscles are sore -- and they'll have to come up with an "experience" they can auction off. Very similar to our old friend Isaac Miz-a-har-ee. Whoever makes more money at the auction segment (which they will produce, and which will rely on online bidding) will be the winner, and Stephanie is still exempt, should her team wind up in the Boardroom. Trump sends them out to "raise a lot of money."
Back at the L-Pal, the newly formed Magna team has nothing but excited hugs for each other. So far. Alex hugs Craig. Bren hugs Tana. Hugging, hugging, hugging! Tana gives an interview in which she says that Chris got rid of her and Craig, and now he has to deal with Stephanie and Erin, widely reputed to be "the two most obnoxious people in the suite." Out in the living room, Chris gets off to a bad start by calling out, "Come on, girls." Now remember, Chris is 22 himself. And Stephanie is 29, and Erin is 26. Even when I was 26, the first 22-year-old who called me and anyone I was with by saying, "Come on, girls" in a setting like this would leave with a broken jaw. That's unacceptable, and it's a telegraphing of exactly how he's going to act for the hour, so don't miss it. Chris exposits that the five artists Net Worth will be working with are Barenaked Ladies, Gene Simmons, New Found Glory, Simple Plan, and Fat Joe. Aw, that started off so well with two names I had heard of, but it was all downhill from there. I am so far out of the loop, I can't even see the loop from where I am.
Chris goes out and tells John that he and "the girls" should obviously be the ones asking for things and closing deals. John tells Chris that because they're going to see guys in bands, obviously, they have to throw a lot of "chicks" at them. Chris says that indeed, he sent the team of John, Erin, and Stephanie to call on the artists. He claims that he really wanted to meet the famous people, but he and Angie headed off to work on the production side at the studio, because it was "important" that he do that. I personally suspect that Chris fears the famous. Or he's afraid that Gene Simmons will lick him on the face.
Magna. Kendra explains that the whole team went over to Fuse, where they'd be doing the segment. She says that for their artists, they got Lil Kim, Lil Jon, Moby, Eve, and Jadakiss. I have to say, Moby came as something of a surprise to me here. I don't really think of him as the Regis of music. This isn't the kind of thing I necessarily thought he would do. In fact, I'd have thought he would be busy making sarcastic remarks in interviews about people who do this. Kendra tells the group that she's going to take Tana and Craig with her to meet Lil Jon. She's going to have Alex and Bren work on "timeline." Whatever that means.
In one of the most hilarious moments of non-self-awareness ever on this show, John explains that when they went out to meet the bands, it was a really, really good thing that he had his chain wallet. NO, I SWEAR TO GOD, HE SAID THAT. HE SAID "CHAIN WALLET." He goes on to say that this is his "hipster wear." I adore the fact that he thinks any of these people are going to be like, "Well, I don't know if I can trust -- oh, wait! That one guy has a chain wallet! Sign me up for the most extravagant gift you can think of, guy with chain wallet!" Anyway, he insists that musicians hate to see suits. He has his finger on the pulse, people. His finger. On. The pulse. He, Erin, and Stephanie leave in a cab. In the cab, they talk about what they're going to ask for, and John firmly lectures that "number one on every list" will be a gig where the band comes to your house. Yes, that's "number one on every list." John tells Erin and Stephanie that they way they should do this is that one of them should get "giggly" and explain that she's just stupid and doesn't know anything about music. Because that's how girls get things! Damn, which of you bitches told? Anyway, Stephanie explains that she's learned that John has no respect for women, and looks at her and at Erin as just pretty faces, but "no brains behind the face." In the cab, Erin and Stephanie already look unhappy.
This week's Trump motto is "Go Big or Go Home," another entry in the Suspense-Busting Motto competition. We watch him give a speech in which...he says that. And the thing about "go all the way," and the thing about the fences, and...you know. Everyone in the audience laughs at something, but probably not at Trump, because...well, he's not funny. ["Well. Not intentionally." -- Sars]
Tana, Craig, and Kendra pull up for their visit with Lil Jon, and Tana is already doing her "I speak jive" routine, which I immediately find really irritating. Kendra, in an interview, reviews the membership of her team, saying that she has by far the better players on her team, compared to Net Worth. And then we watch as Lil Jon emerges and shakes hands with Tana giving her a hearty, "How y'all doin'?" Tana admires his giant "CRUNK" pendant, and then goes to work admiring his gigantic ring. Not only that, but she has been paying attention to the kids and their talky-talk, so she makes knowing reference to "bling-bling," which is just so absolutely embarrassing. "Now we be talkin'," she says, as we look over at Carolyn, trying desperately not to laugh and losing the battle. In an interview, Carolyn begins by saying, choking back a laugh, that "Tana is really trying to get on his level." She pauses. "You know, with the...'we be talkin'.' I thought that was kind of humorous, and she was really trying the lingo, it's just not exactly hitting." Carolyn giggles, slumps over, and turns away from the camera as she incredulously repeats, "We be talkin' now!" Oh, Carolyn. Come over to the dark side! Mock openly! It's so freeing!
Back with Lil Jon, Tana admires his cup. Which I freely admit I knew nothing about, but apparently is a great, enormous deal. (DON'T email me. I DON'T need to know. DON'T.) Kendra, too, calls it "the most bling-blingin' cup" in an interview, and I so wish they would stop with that. She does say that it says "Crunk Cup" on it in diamonds, and that's...fucked up, in a way that might come all the way back around to being cool, though it's hard to say. Craig tells Lil Jon that he thinks it would be great if someone could be the Cup Bearer for a day. (I DON'T KNOW.) Lil Jon likes the sound of that. They package it with some face time and a cameo appearance in a video, and there you have it. Tana claims in an interview that "it's like [she] blossomed into this hip-hop follower." Which...it's actually nothing like that, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She insists that it's like she was "not this white girl," when...it was actually exactly like she was this white girl, despite her adding that she was "down wid 'em." She says that she's a good salesperson, and her selling was working. Which I think it was, in a geeky sort of way. Who can resist a dork? No one, that's who. Kendra says that the meeting went so well that she thought Craig and Tana would be the best team to take care of the rest of the "experiences," so she just sent them out on their own to do the negotiating, and she headed back to hook up with Bren and Alex and "get production moving."
At the studio, Bren is chatting with someone about something production-related, and he tells us in an interview that they've chosen to put Tana and Craig on the 11-minute auction. Alex makes some reference to Tana talking about "Moby's package," and then Bren decides that they should label Tana a "MILF." Bren calls it "not a very appropriate term," and then he sort of explains it, and they cut away, and Kendra says, "Just no cucumber," which is pretty funny.
At the Net Worth studio, Chris and Angie are setting up the production side. Chris insists in an interview that all this stuff he's doing about "the layout of the show" is in fact "super-important," including how it's going to run as smoothly as possible. He insists that the point is to get people to bid, and you can't get bids without a good show. Chris wants a "backstage" feel to the auction. Chris is all about the auction feel!
Magna meets with New Found Glory (I DON'T KNOW, except that Rhapsody tells me they were on a compilation from the Spike Video Game Awards, snerk), and Erin begins to explain about their effort to raise money. Of course, John jumps into the middle of the sentence and says something stupid and pointless, as is apparently his strategy. And then Erin tries to explain the first option they have for something to auction off, and John cuts her off again, making the irrelevant point that the option she's about to describe is the one he likes the best, and then he goes ahead and takes over to tell them that this option -- playing at someone's house -- is the one they should take. Stephanie interviews that the idea was that they were supposed to be working on the deals together, but John insisted on jumping in and dominating the conversation every time. George is looking in on this discussion as John tries to sell them on the house party; George explains that he's an expert on negotiation, and he thinks the fact that Net Worth went in with an idea in mind that they tried to force on the artist kept them from coming up with anything naturally -- as, he does not point out but I will, with Magna seeing the Crunk Cup and going from there. Oh, and John also offers to "sell [Erin and Stephanie] to you right now" in order to close the deal. They act good-natured about their protest, but really, what choice did they have? He sucked for doing that, whether they put up a big fight or not.
Chris gets on the Space Communicator with John and tells him to find out whether any of the artists are available to do an appearance during the auction itself on camera. , we see John interrupt Erin while she's talking to Barenaked Ladies. Again, he pushes the house party. Erin then asks whether they'd be willing to hang around tomorrow and appear on the show. Tyler Stewart (the drummer) says that he could hang around and do that. Erin flatters him, saying, "If you wanted to bring your drums, you always could." And then John cuts in again. "Hey," he says, "if you want to bring your drums, that would be cool, because I'd just like to play some, 'cause I haven't seen mine in...and I'm, like, freaking out about it." Tyler looks at John like John just asked to make out with Tyler's mother. John definitely does not know as much about musicians as he thinks he does. Tyler gives the little secret-smile "'kay" that means that later, he and the band are going to have a ginormous laugh over the dipshit who wanted to just, you know, borrow the drums for a while.
Over at Magna, Kendra is on the Space Communicator with Tana, who's explaining that she and Craig intend to ask Eve if the winner can appear in a scene on the Eve show. And something about "crunk," I'm sure. Kendra asks them to throw in some more stuff, but basically supports them. She interviews that Tana and Craig were being careful to check back with the team before making decisions about what to pitch. We then watch the meeting with Eve, in which she does indeed agree to the combination of an appearance on the show and a lunch. The Jadakiss meeting goes similarly well. Tana and Chris run a deal where she kind of teases about whether they should ask for what they're really wanting to ask for or whatever, and Tana finally asks if the winner could "travel around the world with you." "That's cool," he says. So I don't know what exactly that entails, but it sounds pretty good. Everyone claps. Yay!
The Lil Kim meeting is even better. Tana opens with a pitch to let someone "go on the road with" Lil Kim, who initially blanches slightly. Tana describes in an interview how she likes to start out small with a sale, and then add and add until she reaches this climactic point where...well, let's just say cigarettes are involved. She talks about her background with Mary Kay, which I've been kind of trying not to think about, actually. Ultimately, Tana and Craig ask for, and get, a week with Kim. Tana points out that she ought to be able to do pretty well at convincing people to give some time, considering that she can "sell makeup to men." Heh. I do wish she weren't wearing the pink shirt. Because that makes it all seem just a little bit too Mary Kay. Tana tells Craig, "Baby, we are nailing this to the wall."
Their meeting with Moby is actually my favorite, since he looks so aghast the entire time. He looks like this is the most uncomfortable thing that has ever happened to him in his whole life, including birth and whatever surgeries he may have endured. Tana makes an ill-advised and not-that-funny interview remark about how the difference between Lil Jon and Moby was like the difference between "black and white," like...hilarious. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not offended, except in the sense that obvious, dorky jokes vaguely offend me. I just think it's a dumb line. Tana asks him if he's okay with the winner getting a week on tour (damn!), and Moby, apparently not all that nervous after all, says that sounds fine. I admire his dedication to the charity, but...a week? With a fan of the type who would spend large amounts of money to spend a week with you? (Shudder.) He also says the person can come onstage, get the full package, whatever. "Right now I have the shivers!" Tana interviews. I'm sure Moby does, too.
Net Worth. In their van, John is happily talking about sticking the feather in his hat so he can "pimp some girls." Erin and Stephanie try to ignore it. Erin interviews that she didn't care for that, but it wasn't a great time to start a fight when they were about to go into a negotiation with Gene Simmons, which she says "is going to be hard enough as it is." That's kind of sad that I think she already knows what this dickweed is going to put them through. And speaking of the dickweed, here we are with John, Erin, and Stephanie around the table at Gene Simmons's house. Or office, or lair, or whatever. Unsurprisingly, John starts off the meeting about how comical it was this one time that he was asked to draw someone he liked listening to, and he drew KISS. Hi-larious! As Stephanie explains, this was basically a way of making the entire meeting all about himself, which he loves to do, as we know. "Was that a story to butter me up?" Simmons asks, ensuring that the meeting goes back to being about him. John starts to stammer, and Simmons is all, "Why are you here?" I swear, never have I seen a man so devoted to the idea that he's ironically cool who is so incredibly non-ironically non-cool. And remember, I've seen Donald Trump. Erin asks him what he likes to do, and of course, he becomes immediately lecherous, and it's really kind of uncomfortable, and Erin and Stephanie don't really know what to do about this disgusting horndog. "Stephanie has a purpose," John laughs in an interview. "She's basically -- she's a fluffer." Isn't that nice? A fluffer. It's like saying "eye candy," only it's so much more demeaningful. (Yay! I knew it would come in handy.) "Keep him entertained until we needed him happy," John stupidly, droolingly babbles. At any rate, Simmons says that he's working on a box set (oh, I can't wait for that one), and John asks if he anticipates a release party. He says he does. John asks if the person could attend the release party. Meaning, of course, that the lucky winner will be able to rub elbows with a lot of other losers who scored tickets to the release party. Simmons tries out a routine about how he's not sure that's a big enough prize, and he wants to make sure he emerges from this as the top dog. But John totally misses the cue and leaves it at "release party." "I'm positively rigid," Simmons says, again erroneously thinking he's cool and funny. That is one sad character.
Stephanie wears an incredibly dorky green newsboy cap (yes, really) later on as they meet with Fat Joe. Nothing says "street cred" like green newsboy caps, you know. And you'll never guess what happens! John jumps in, telling stories about his old days in musician-hood, blah blah blah. And no one cares, but this does not slow him down. Can you imagine John's life if he could read a room? What would he do with himself? Stephanie looks mortified, and she interviews about how he always wants to babble on about himself, which bores everyone, including the artists. Fat Joe makes some yabba-doo about people being able to stand on the edge of the stage and whatnot, and before you know it, John is on to Simple Plan (I DON'T KNOW, except they were on the Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed soundtrack, which is pretty prestigious). He's telling Simple Plan about this really cool idea of playing a house party. You can tell they think it's the dumbest thing they ever heard of, not to mention the least likely to bring in a lot of cash. One of the guys tries to tell John he thinks it's not a "unique" thing he's suggesting, and that's what would get the highest bid. Something special. Something tailored to the band. Like "Cup Bearer," but for fans of Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. For the second time, John ignores the artist basically asking to give something better, and says they'll go with what they have. "We're happy with anything!" John says. Wow, great negotiator. I'm going to him for my used car. Stephanie interviews that she thought the ideas John had were totally boring, and she was "absolutely embarrassed." Well, sure. Except with that cap, I'm not sure she can really talk.
Night. Fuse TV. Magna is preparing to do its segment, hosted by Craig and Tana. Kendra, Alex, and Bren head off to the control room while Tana sits down to have her hair styled, and the word "MILF" is passed around again. Tana tells us that she was "going to be playing the hip card," as if such a thing were possible. Oh, and she explains "MILF" as "a Mother I'd Like to Fool around with." She laughs. Her teeth are fucking enormous. And I really don't care for the sanitized...well, the sanitized anything. It's like she doesn't want to be banned from Wal-Mart.
Before you know it, the cameras roll, and Craig, Tana, and some dweeby Fuse guy are sitting huddled up on a couch, talking earnestly to the internet bidders about the importance of giving money to this fine charity. Kendra watches from the control room. We watch Craig pimp the Lil Jon "experience," over a horribly cheeseball graphic of Lil Jon with your silhouette -- helpfully labeled "YOU" -- right beside him. Tana continues with her hip-hop routine, which does not make me happy at all, except in that it reminds me of possibly the funniest thing I have ever read in about six or seven years reading various recaps, which was, "Cognitive dissonance rocks my hizzy." In the control room, the more Tana talks about "tight" and "crib" and "crunk" and -- yes -- "hizzy," the harder Bren and Kendra laugh. Credibility, people. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
And now we learn that, supposedly, Trump is watching all this from his office. Or from someone's office. Probably someone he just fired. "She's done a good job, considering that's not her world," Trump comments about Tana. Yeah. She's hiding it real well. You'd never know this wasn't her world. I love how when they go back to the Fuse VJs, one of them says, "Wow, she's like straight outta Compton with that talk." Heh. Yeah, just like that. We peek at the screen showing the bids advancing for the team's various "experiences." Right now, they're pimping the Moby experience, and then it's Lil Kim, and Kendra points out in an interview that immediately they started getting excellent bids on the two experiences that were for entire weeks, because they're worth so much more than the rest of the stuff. Tana and Craig sell Jadakiss, who is apparently Tana's "dog." Or "dawg." They finish up with Eve, with whom Tana thinks everyone should imagine "chillin'." Kendra explains that when they're done with the auction, they wait a while to see what bids come in. She's a little concerned, but she's pretty positive. There is lots of hugging at Magna. I'm not really down.
And now, Net Worth. Erin is working with one of the VJs. The other person on the team who's going to be on camera? Chris. Because...yeah, I don't know. The secret charisma of the mildly insane? Maybe. Erin starts by offering up the first item, which is New Found Glory and their house party. "Bid your brains out," Erin admonishes intelligently, making the office-bound Trump remark with some surprise, "She's good on television!" He is easy to please. And then we hear something about Simple Plan, and Trump says he needs Rhona to get the car, because -- surprise! -- he's heading over to Fuse. That spontaneous bastard. Rhona picks up the phone. That was very lifelike and convincing, that entire sequence. I felt like I was just eavesdropping on Donald Trump's everyday life.
Angie watches monitors in the control room as Erin and Chris make rather flat efforts to sell their "experiences." And then Tyler pops up -- sans drums -- behind Erin and the VJ, so apparently John didn't succeed in entirely chasing him away with the threatened drum hijacking. George looks on with amusement as Tyler blows both of the women off the screen without even trying. And then? They're visited by Gene Simmons, who tries to eat Erin's ear wax, and I really hate this part, and I can't stand him, and I want his segment to be over as soon as possible, so let's just end it here. Chris tells everyone to remember when the auction closes, and we are out. Angie interviews that she thinks the show accomplished what it needed to accomplish, and now it's about the bidding. Indeed. Tautological, but undeniable. (Which itself is sort of circular -- how do we get out of this?)
Later, Trump arrives at the studio to give out the results. The teams cantaloupe up. Along with George and Carolyn, Trump walks in to address them. He says that lots of money was raised, and both teams did great. George gives the Net Worth results, saying that all five experiences got very good bids. Their total was $11,325. Carolyn says that Magna had three bids that only came to between $400 and $700, so that is weak, indeed. But they offered those two week-long experiences with Moby and Lil Kim, and as it turned out, those two prizes alone generated over $19,000, for a total of $21,654. Almost doubled up the other guys. Magna celebrates. Chris and his tight black t-shirt look at the floor. Trump congratulates both teams on raising lots of good and happy money for sick people, and then tells them that of course, there is no reward, because self-righteousness is its own reward. Oh, and Kendra will be exempt week. And somebody on Net Worth will be fired, and it won't be Stephanie. Cue the tense music!
Net Worth stands around on the balcony later having a big yakfest, and John says that up until this point, all the people on his team who went home needed to go home. John goes on to say that he's sure he'll take heat over the fact that the ideas they put up for auction were his ideas. Sounds fair, right? He tries to look casual as he says that this is the way it goes and such, which I'm sure is news to the "girls," who never understand anything like that, because they're girls. Erin then interviews that John has a lot of experience working with musicians, and if he's got the kind of expertise he claimed, she doesn't see why he didn't do a better job of wringing worthwhile donations out of them. "He failed completely," she says. "In my opinion, John should get fired."
Night. John and Chris are lying on their beds to each other. (Not like that. Twin beds! Of course, the same could be said for most married couples in the 1950s on television, so maybe this is just Chris's version of traditional values.) Anyway, Chris insightfully (?) opines that "in this specific scenario, [Trump] is going to get rid of whoever he's going to get rid of." That'll be a hard one to prove wrong. John snarls that "those girls" will be ganging up on him to blame the bad negotiations on him. Probably because of the way he monopolized the whole thing. I mean, that would be my guess. John interviews that this will come down to him and Chris, and that it will be between firing "the guy who had the only ideas on the team" and firing "Chris, who didn't contribute anything." He says he thinks Trump wants a guy who will -- you know it -- step up. Step up, everyone!
Angie says in an interview that she thinks it's stressing Chris out that he might have to go up against John in the Boardroom. "He needs to just relax," she says. She says that she thinks it's possible Chris will "throw himself under the bus" to save John's ass. Chris, in turn, interviews that this isn't the case -- that in fact, he and John have agreed that if it gets bad in the Boardroom, they will rip each other limb from limb like the mangy dogs they are. You know, roughly. "Mano y mano." Meaning "hand and hand." See? Freudian. THEY'RE IN LOVE! I only say that to bother Chris. Anyway, Chris says that this will be very difficult for him. The team leaves.
Later. Choral music. Ding! The team exits the elevator, and I have to say this is the first time I have noticed Erin's twee pink rolly-case. I am not in favor of that in the slightest. The members of the new Net Worth let themselves into the Boardroom and join George and Carolyn. And then? Trump. Trump asks Angie if Chris was a good leader, and she says yes, Chris was a good leader, and he also was good on TV -- although she says this last part like your indulgent aunt would say it, so I'm not sure it's that meaningful. Trump tells Chris he was "very cool" on TV. Chris smiles. Because "cool" is not something he gets a lot, I'm guessing. Trump also says he watched Erin, who was "a great DJ." He asks Erin if she's ever thought of going into professional VJ-ing. You know, if she doesn't go with the law thing, I guess. "You blew everyone away," he tells her. Which...not me, but all right.
Now we move on to the fact that although Chris and Erin were so neat on TV, something clearly didn't go as it should have in the task. Trump asks John why the team was beaten so badly. John goes with the worst of all possible answers: "Luck of the draw." Carolyn takes exception to this, saying that she doesn't think it can be entirely ascribed to that. She reminds them that on two of the artists, Magna negotiated a huge, huge deal with the week-long experience, and they didn't even go after anything major like that. Trump points out that there's a big difference between spending a week with a celebrity and spending a half-hour with them. "Moby, for a week?" Trump asks incredulously. And...can you imagine Trump and Moby living together for a week? Now that should be a reality show. John says he agrees.
And now, it's time for Chris to get weird again, as he does. George asks him why he delegated the negotiating, which seemed to be the heart of the task. Chris says that quite frankly, he thought the show and the segment were very important. He defends his decision to send John, his "right-hand man" (oh, man, I am SO TWELVE during this episode), to handle the negotiating, because he thought John would be "capable." "Was he capable?" Trump asks dryly. Chris hedges, saying he thought John did well, but adding, "Apparently, it wasn't good enough to beat them."
George turns to John, saying that while John may have felt he did well selling the celebrities the things he did, he ultimately didn't get as much out of them as was there for the taking. "You didn't appeal to their ego," George points out, and as he talks about Fat Joe, Trump can't help asking if George had ever heard of Fat Joe. Or Moby. Or whatever. "Simon and Garfunkel," George says, which was a really funny choice. It's less stupid than, like, Lawrence Welk or whatever the joke at one time would have been, but it's still kind of credibly hokey. At any rate, John says that before they started, they had three ideas to pitch that everyone had agreed on. George understands this. It's actually part of the plan he didn't love. George points out that on the list, there should have been something really major that they would say no to, but that would give a better jumping-off point than the lame-o stuff they wound up suggesting. George also specifically recalls Simmons and his thirst for greatness, and the team's utter failure to capitalize on that opportunity.
Erin jumps in, saying that rock stars like to talk about themselves, and they like to have their egos stroked. And rather than do that, John chose to spend all his time on his favorite subject, which happens to be himself. John insists that he told "maybe a three-minute quip" to each person. That's really too long, to tell you the truth, if it's a busy person who doesn't know you and doesn't have any reason to care about your life. ["Three seconds is too long. You're not there to make friends with them. Shut up, John." -- Sars] Trump moves on to ask Stephanie about some mysterious "it factor" that he has discussed -- with Oprah, of all people. He wants to know whether Erin thinks John has "it." "I'll sum up by a quick answer: no," Erin says. She continues, talking about how John would jump in every time anyone else tried to talk, with the "I got it" and the other "I got it." John asks incredulously why they didn't say anything. Because you were talking, dude. Stephanie is asked whether she agrees with Erin, and she says, "Absolutely." John, beginning to feel the pinch, says that the meetings went great all day, and the team felt great about them, and now they're all changing their tunes. Well, sure. They're not trapped in a van with your ass now, brother. Trump reasonably points out that this is the nature of losing.
Trump asks Angie if John is right or wrong, and Angie says that Chris did a great job delegating, and Trump jumps in to ask whether Chris was chewing tobacco again during this task. Heh. Angie assures Trump that there was no chewing. Now, it is time for Chris to choose two people to come back. Chris chooses John and Erin, which raises Trump's eyebrow as to the second one. Chris says he was left with little choice, as Angie was "incredible" on the task, and Stephanie is, after all, tragically exempt. Trump sends Stephanie and Angie back upstairs, and the others go to wait in the lobby.
In the Boardroom, Carolyn tells Trump she thinks John could have negotiated better. But she also thinks that Chris could certainly have done a better job with the managing. Asked for his opinion, George says he's "very disturbed" about Chris's decision to delegate the negotiating itself to other members of the team. He thinks that the leader should not have given up that function to anyone. Trump takes this in, to the degree that he ever does, and then he has Robin send the kids back in. When they get there, Trump opens by asking John about the fact that his team went after him. John returns to his argument that he was the only one with any ideas. Well, any ideas that anyone could hear, I guess, which he presumably thinks is the same thing. "If we weren't aiming high enough," he says, "my team should have let me know." He returns to his "only I did anything" theme, and Trump counters that it didn't seem like he was a very good negotiator, for someone who was...sort of in charge of that. Erin is asked if she agrees that he's not much of a negotiator. Erin: "I think he lacks the business acumen, and the ability to sort of butter up the egos and deal with people in a professional capacity." Articulate! Her hair is really misleading. Asked about Chris, she has nicer things to say. "He did a good job," she allows, while recognizing that they did, after all...lose.
George returns to his theme that Chris shouldn't have passed off the negotiations. Chris repeats that he was confident that the others could do it, but George tries to poke the crazy for the week by saying, "Didn't you not go there because you wanted to stay out of the line of fire, you didn't think you could handle it?" Chris starts bellowing almost immediately about how he's the best negotiator at the table! It's a fact! He's 21 years old! PAH! Carolyn wants to know why, if he's such a great negotiator, he didn't do the negotiations. It really is kind of a trap, and they're right. He gets into quite a holler with Carolyn about what the point of the task was, and this is definitely about as much as I've seen anyone raise his voice in the Boardroom while addressing the Viceroys. And it's not over yet. When Trump and then George get involved, Chris really starts shouting about "I JUST TOLD YOU WHY I DIDN'T GO," and at that point, George does ask him not to raise his voice, and Chris apologizes. Don't tug on SuperGrandpa's cape, Chris. Chris then repeats that he thinks production was more important than the negotiations, so he stayed at the studio.
Trump then asks Chris why he didn't do both. Couldn't he have worked at the studio and also done the negotiating? Chris says he couldn't, and Erin backs him on that point, owing to the difficulties of production. John is also asked if Chris could have done both, and missing or foregoing the opportunity to advance his own ass, he also says no, Chris couldn't have done both. Trump points out that John may be endangering himself by "exonerating" Chris on this issue, but John is sticking with his answer. Trump warns him that he's hurting himself, and asks if production or negotiation is more important. John doesn't answer.
Now, Trump turns to Erin. "Erin, you're probably not going to be fired." Unfortunately, she starts in with some "The only thing is..." bit, and Trump starts asking if she's trying to get fired, and then she looks chagrined like a little girl, which is gross, so let's just keep moving.
Trump tells Chris that he's "very disappointed in certain things," but then he turns to John. He negotiated badly, he asked for the wrong things, he didn't have a good concept, and what's with the chain wallet? (Okay, the last part was me.) John? You, my unctuous friend, are fired. John nods. The Apprenti all get up and walk out. In the lobby, John and Chris hug and exchange "I love you"s (oy), and then John gets on the down, and Erin and Chris get on the up. John hits the streets and gets into his cab. Goodbye, John! Enjoy all the pimping!
In his exit interview, John talks about how he took risks, blah blah blah, tries to sound gracious. He doesn't mean it.
week: Something almost definitely happens, but my TiVo cut it off, so I have nothing to share. What will happen is that I will not see the show live, because I will be in New York, reading at the KGB Bar on the night of St. Patrick's Day, so if you want to chuck pennies at my head in person, be there or be square.