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This week's task is to renovate a couple of Jersey shore motels, and Net Worth makes its first mistake by putting Brian in charge. Brian, who thinks that motel guests would rather have a brand-new toilet than carpeting. After junking much of the plumbing and not even investigating the budget in advance, Brian finishes off the alienation of his team by pitting himself against John, who has, for good or ill, the team's respect after last week's showing. He also gets into a series of screaming matches with Kristin, who manages to both be right and suck, which is always irritating. Magna makes the surprising decision to rely on their pleasant personalities, which works out surprisingly well when they throw the equivalent of a keg party out on the balconies to the delight of their guests. Verna, however, is in the office, melting down. And melt down she does, to the point where, the morning, she walks off with her suitcase. Only the reappearance of Nicer, More Balanced Carolyn (who seemingly knows that she went a little over the top with Mean Snappy Carolyn last season) calms Verna down, and she returns to the fold. Her team pulls out the victory, which saves her from an uncomfortable Boardroom situation, and Net Worth begins jockeying back at the Love Palace. Brian makes like he's got no regrets, but in the Boardroom, he tries some kind of triple-deke fake-out on Trump by saying, "Why yes, you should fire me." Um. So Trump's like, "Okay," and there's not even a final table, and then Brian sits in the cab trying to figure out how it all went so wrong, not counting the part where he was like, "Fire me." Because it surely couldn't be that. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on "Smarts" Is A Relative Term: An entire episode that this episode takes about five minutes to recap. Suffice it to say that it ended with the departure of Todd, who graduated magna cum knob from the School of Blah. I will not miss him.
When we return, it turns out that this show is taking place in New York. I know! I was surprised, too. We return to the kitchen of the Love Palace, where there is a lot of discussion about who's likely to be sent home as between Todd and Danny, assumed to be the two most likely candidates since Alex is just kind of drippy and skinny and not all that offensive. YET. Bren is telling Michael and Brian that he thinks Danny will go, given all the time he was having to put in defending himself in the Boardroom. Bren adds in a voice-over that he thinks Danny is a "loose cannon" (DRINK!) who can't respect authority. Of course, when the authority is Todd, what's to respect, really? His hair? Bren and his crooked tie tell us that they simply don't see Danny as a CEO. Oh, he's so going to wish he'd had a mirror before that interview. You don't want your tie to point to 1:30 and 7:30.
The door to the suite opens, and...what do you know? It's Alex and Danny. There is a lot of noisy welcoming of people back to the L-Pal, just like everyone would do if they totally cared. Danny opines that his team underestimated him, although he acknowledges that Trump did characterize him as "a disaster." Still, he thinks that Trump likes him. No, really, that's what he says: "I think that Mr. Trump likes me." Oh, and he calls him "the Donald" in saying that Trump can totally relate to what it's like to be a socially inept guitar-playing hippie. Well, sure. That's what Trump did before real estate. Still, Danny acknowledges that "disaster" is not necessarily the impression he was looking to make right off the bat. "Going forward, I've got to really prove myself more," he says. "More"? Did he see himself last week?
The morning, a group of birds flees in terror as another of Trump's redevelopment projects threatens another piece of their critical habitat. In the L-Pal, others are sleeping while Danny pedals on the oddly apropos Exercise Bike To Nowhere. The Rhonaphone rings, and Kristen goes to answer it. Rhona tells her that Trump will meet them across from Trump International on Central Park West. In my favorite development, we don't see Rhona actually give Kristen a time for the meeting, but we do see her admonish Kristen not to be late. Awesome. Don't get there after Mystery Time! Trump will be really angry! And then, in the development that tells you once and for all that I have no friends working for this show, shirtless Danny is paraded across the screen and burned onto my brain.
Trump International! Look, look! It's Trump International! On the street across from the building, the candidates gather on the sidewalk. You can't have them inside the building, because they make the carpets all muddy. Apparently over in the building, Trump is harassing some Trump International lady about how business is. She, employing acting skills that make Donald Trump look like Laurence Olivier, tells him that "business is fantastic." He tells her menacingly that it had better be, and he's all Big Rich Asshole about it, like it's hilarious and you're going to laugh right into your bourgeois bowl of Cheerios, and then he and George and Carolyn leave, and the plastered-on smile falls right off the lady's face, which is pretty funny. She's like, "Man, I'm glad those dipshits are gone." And she's doing it on TV, too. Sorry for calling your ass out, Trump International Lady. I actually side with you. I hope you don't lose your job.
Trump and the Viceroys -- and damn, I love how Carolyn dresses these days, and were I teeny, I would totally dress just like that -- head across the street to see the candidates. Trump's first order of business is to congratulate Danny on the fact that he's in a real, honest-to-goodness dark suit today, looking remarkably cleaned-up as compared to last time. It even looks like he had his hair cut. I'd like to be in favor of this development, but it makes me feel even more like all the crap last week was just for attention, and that doesn't impress me. Anyway, Trump calls this "very impressive," instead of questioning what made Danny show up looking like a clown in the first place, the way I would have, as stated above. Trump then rehashes the beating of the college people by the high-school people, and he then reminds us that the New York Post rated Trump International the top hotel in New York. (And rated Ann Coulter the Awesomest Lady Ever, so you know they can be trusted.) Wow, look at Brian with the hugely open shirt. That is not a good thing, especially on a guy who's sort of stumpy like that. Trump goes on to say that just as he created this hotel out of a dumpy old office building, they will be taking on a similar task this week, renovating motels at the Jersey shore. So it's...exactly the same. That's the ticket. And each team will have $20,000 to spend on the renovation. They'll get guests, and then the guests will rate the motels on Yahoo! Local. What's interesting is that Trump specifically says that the guests will be "paying customers," but the actual reviews from the customers repeatedly say things like, "I would never pay to stay here." So I think...not so much. Trump reminds John that he has an exemption if his team loses. Oh, and Carolyn and George will be watching. Which, this week, will be a very good thing. (Foreshadowing!)
In the Net Worth van, Brian offers to be the PM. John asks if anyone else wants to, and no one does, so that's that for that. Brian interviews that having been in real estate and having sold motels, he figures he can do it. Um. Okay. Oh, and he's "from New Jersey." So that's expertise right there. You know who should have been the PM? Sars. ["First order of business at Sars Corp.: Gagging Kristen with a boardwalk funnel cake." -- Sars] Anyway, Kristen tells us that she was unhappy as soon as she found out Brian would be the PM, because she's known "for a while" that she didn't like him. Like, for probably a lot of the three days she's known him. She also calls him "a problem child." As the group approaches its exit on the freeway, Brian talks about how Craig is a shoeshine guy, and if they could get him a chair and set up some hours, that would be a nice touch. Do people wear shine-worthy shoes to the beach? In New Jersey? Because...I don't think so. Anyway, Kristen looks disgusted, and disgusted she is as she tells us that Brian has "security issues," and "people like that cannot lead." But she chose not to "start a fight with Brian." We'll see how long she sticks to that conviction.
At the shore, there is windsurfing. In October. In New Jersey. Huh. Net Worth squeals as it pulls up to the Surfside Motel, its home for the weekend. "Oh, it's cuuuute!" Tana cries. Angie calls it "yellow and turquoise and beachy and fun." And then they get out of the van for a closer look. And she says that "the first thing [she] noticed was the smell." That's not good news right there, really, because I doubt it was the smell of flowers. Tara points out that "jaws dropped" at the condition of the carpets, the mildew, and the general "state of disrepair" that the place had about it. As they look around the paneling-and-Astroturf wasteland, John mostly-deadpans, "I just want to know where we're putting the shoeshine stand." Heh. Oh, that did make me laugh. Audrey, sounding like she's on the second day of a three-day Flu of Death, snorfles into the phone that she needs a dumpster at the motel immediately. And not just for her discarded tissues. She tells us that she knew this was a priority, because there obviously was going to be plenty of trash. And not just the women on the team. Rimshot! Audrey also reports that for $700, the dumpster people will come and clean everything out themselves. Kristen tries to apply the brakes, saying that she thinks they need to sit down and do a budget before they start spending money. As she explains, she's been put in charge of budget, and sees that as the most important part of the task, given the big job and limited funds. With the support of some of the rest of the team, though, Brian tells Audrey to go ahead with the dumpster, because at that price, they do need to get it here and start getting rid of the junk. Kristen starts out with the passive-aggressive by saying that she doesn't do things like that, but if they want to, she won't "take the burden on [her] shoulders." Of course, what she should be doing is figuring out how to then accommodate that as well as she can, but no, she'd rather disassociate herself. Brian interviews that Kristen "was shooting her mouth off" from the very opening of the task. "I think she forgets that I'm the project manager," he says. Oh, I don't think she forgets. Kristen snots (but not in the same literal way that Audrey snots) that they can just go ahead with it their way if they want to, even though she's "worked on projects like this a lot." What, emergency motel renovations? You have? Settle down, pinchy-girl. Because...again with the phenomenon of being right and still being really hard to take.
Maybe the best Trump motto ever comes up: "Respect Comes From Winning." Hee. We watch Trump playing golf with Annika Sorenstam, and then Trump talks about how Vince Lombardi could boss around big football players because he was a winner, pure and simple. It's the same thing that lets Trump...boss around Annika Sorenstam? Because he can beat her at football? I'm not sure I follow, but that's all right. I don't need to understand everything.
In the Magna van, they're pulling into the Sea Garden, which is the name of their motel. A motel at which I would never stay, because it already sounds like it would be really moldy. ["And, from past work experience, let me assure you also that going in the pool is extremely unwise." -- Sars] We learn that Michael is functioning as their PM, because he's in real estate, like Brian. He also claims to have "a knack of completing projects quickly." The team takes in what is clearly water damage to the ceiling, and Erin cringes at the idea that buildings might contain mold. (Told you!) Boy, is she out of the loop. Also, the toilets are ugly. Also, there are bugs. The team looks fairly unhappy, but they obviously don't have much of a choice at this point. Outside on the sidewalk, Verna meets with Michael about her role in "accounting" and "customer relations," but reminds her that "there's a floating element," which is Michael for "you also have to clean, so don't think you don't." She tries to run down a bunch of customer service ideas she has, but Michael cuts her off, saying that his priority is the rooms, because if the rooms suck, customer service is just not going to do all that much. Verna, I think, really doesn't want to clean rooms, because she's insistent that they spend time right now talking about "making sure that the guests have a great time." Michael insists that this is "small stuff" at this point. Verna interviews that Michael is focusing on the physical renovation, which she says is "only one half of the majority [sic] of the work" that they should be doing. She and Michael continue arguing, because he can't bring himself to argue over a welcome package until the ceilings aren't falling down. Makes sense to me. If the plaster falls on you while you're enjoying your complimentary cleansing mask, the effect will sort of be spoiled.
Chris and some of the other guys continue touring rooms. Chris interviews that he was "extremely confident" about the task, because he apparently has some relevant expertise in "renovating homes." Or some experience he hopes is relevant, or something. John mentions that they really don't need to agonize over which ceilings are bad, because if they have the ceilings popcorned, they'll just have them all done. Yeah, the popcorning doesn't take so long. It's ugly, but fast. (You can imagine me looking up at my popcorny ceiling right now. I could achieve the same effect with Elmer's Glue and oatmeal in about six minutes.)
Meanwhile, some of the Net Worth women head for Target, where they'll be picking up pillows and blankets. Brian talks to a contractor about adding a wall. A wall? Oy. He informs us that he's so hot at negotiating with contractors that "every one of [his] teammates" should take it as "an education." It's a shame he doesn't think more highly of himself. We see that Brian is telling the contractor that they're going with fourteen new toilets and fourteen new vanities. Craig looks on with surprise. Craig interviews that he wasn't sure where the idea of replacing all the toilets came from. Craig tries to tell Brian that they don't need new toilets; they just need new seats. Seriously, when was the last time you looked carefully at the non-seat portion of your motel toilet, provided it wasn't rusted or dirty? I would so much rather have an in-room coffeemaker, I can't even tell you. He also points out in his interview that Brian's approach meant throwing out a lot of work that Chris and John and Craig had done, checking on exactly which room needed what. Brian, instead, is opting for a "blanket purchase," like he's being the big man and everything. "You can't renovate units and not get new toilets," Brian flatly declares. I would love to hear what he thinks the likelihood is of a guest giving fewer stars because there isn't a new toilet. Because if you ask me, he forgot how they were being judged. It's not by Trump, or by general construction standards. It's by guest reviews. And guests will not know the difference between a new toilet and an old one, unless the old one is extremely disgusting, which these are not. They need seats, and that's all. Nobody's licking the outside of the pedestal, Brian.
At Target, Audrey, Kristen, Tara, Tana, and Angie are all shopping for textiles when Audrey gets a call about the fourteen new toilets Brian just ordered. Audrey wrinkles her brow. She says into the Space Communicator that she doesn't really think replacing all the toilets is a good way to spend money. Audrey explains that they'll just get new seats, but Brian tells her it's too late -- the toilets are already taken apart and pulled out. Audrey looks into the camera in a highly annoyed interview. "If we were to lose this task, it would be because Brian chose to throw out fourteen toilets that people shit in," she says with frustration. And I instantly love her a little. Brian also tells her on the Space Communicator that she needs to stop talking, because he's trying to call the carpet guy. They hang up. "What a fucking prick," Audrey says to the other women. I'm telling you, I didn't like her that much before, but I like her potty mouth. And I love that they left in her saying "fucking prick," just like they leave in football coaches screeching "MOTHERFUCKER!" at the ref, like you can't read lips that well. "You're not going to know the difference between a $500 toilet and a $5 toilet," she grumps in her interview. "Your ass doesn't know the difference." Hee. It's not common that you get the opportunity to use the expression "don't underestimate my ass" in quite such a literal sense. "Brian will never get it," she says. I wish she had added, "At least not from me."
That night, Michael is busy painting paneling, as is Danny. Oy, painting the paneling? Gross. That's, like, too tacky for Trading Spaces, and they make wallpaper out of address labels. At 3:13 AM, Michael comes to fetch Verna and ask her to paint a room. She tells him that she's working on staffing the hotel tomorrow. He basically tells her that if she has to give up a little bit of her customer-service planning in order to come paint, that's okay, and she should do it, because they've got painting that needs to happen. "Verna wanted to be the accountant," Michael interviews, "because it required the least amount of physical labor." And...word. We watch as Verna comes to help paint a room, so determined to remain detached from the task that she continues holding her purse the entire time. When Michael comes in to check on the progress and give some encouragement, Verna gives him some more resistance, at which point he tells her as firmly as he can to just stop it and get the damn painting done. They bicker about how she doesn't think he's doing any work, and he thinks she had the easiest job all day, and blah blah blah, he slams the door. Bren, looking more like the ice-cream man in that bow tie every day, says that indeed, there has been some strain between Verna and Michael, and that Verna is stressed over her role. He hopes Verna will relax and be "part of the team."
Brian and John have a meeting in which Brian says that people misunderstand him to be yelling at them or talking down to them when, in fact, he just has a loud voice. John explains that if he knows that, he should try not to talk to people that way, because whether he means it to be off-putting or not, it is. John presents this in as non-threatening a way as he possibly can, all about what he thinks would help that maybe Brian might want to try, but Brian is bristling. "If you just softened your tone," John suggests. Brian agrees that "sometimes [he says] things that [he] probably shouldn't," so it seems for a minute like maybe he's listening. John also points out to Brian that Trump isn't going to hire "a rash guy that rubs people the wrong way." And I think past seasons prove that's true. But all of Brian's insecurities come flying to the surface, and he hears John saying that he has no chance. This cranks up the defensiveness, and we're off. "You're totally wrong," Brian flatly declares. He goes on to say that Trump is just like him -- obnoxious and off-putting, but "telling it like it is" and all that. The thing is that Trump doesn't hire people like Trump, because he knows that he needs balance. Look at Boyfriend Bill. Look at Kelly. Look at Carolyn, George, and every other underling you've ever seen on this show. This is the whole thing -- Trump knows that if he hires himself, then that's too much of him. He knows that he needs people who are better at smoothing things over than he is, because that's what lets him be such a bastard. He's certainly not going to hire anyone he will need to make up for with people skills he doesn't have. Brian's inability to see this is a fairly obvious error in logic.
Furthermore, the other great lesson here is that whether Brian thought John should have emerged as the natural leader of the team, the fact is that he did, and that was pretty clear by this point. John had an exemption, and he could have slacked, but he didn't, and that only added to his credibility. So John was a force to deal with on the team, whether Brian liked it or not. And had Brian been willing to listen to John, he might have gotten John on his side and gained some valuable ground. Alienating the team's de facto leader because you resent him? Not smart.
Anyway, Brian insists that John is wrong about everything. Oh, and "if people don't like it, they can go frig themself." Seriously, that's what he says. And if you can't trust your company to a guy who favors the expression "go frig themself," to whom can you trust it? Brian interviews that John needs to get the kind of guy he is, and that he needs everybody to work together. So Brian wants to just demand obedience, rather than display actual leadership. Good one, genius. As John looks at Brian dubiously, Brian lectures that John just couldn't stop acting in the PM role. Oh, poor insecure Brian. That's called natural leadership and charisma, dear, much as I hate to admit that anyone on this show has those things. "If you think that, you are a silly little man," John says. You know, I could learn to like him quite a lot. He goes on to tell Brian that he (meaning John) has been working all night, and it's 5:30 in the morning. "If you're that insecure, that's the silliest thing..." "I read people," Brian declares. HA HA HA! No, really. He does. He says, "I read people." Isn't it ironic, don't you think? "John, why can't you be honest with me?" Brian pleads. "I am being honest with you! I just called you a silly little man!" John says. Heeee hee. And as long as Brian wants honesty, John isn't finished. "Brian, you botched this task. People here don't like you. I'm the only person here that's been trying to put out fires with people and quash all that shit." Brian tries for "patronizing," but you can hear the creeping panic: "John, it's all part of your game." John insists it isn't, because he wants to win the task, and they're clearly not going to. John looks at Brian walking away. "You screwed the poodle today, man," he says. "And you screwed the poodle with me." Can I just say...Unluckiest. Poodle. Ever. Anyway, John interviews that Brian's determination not to listen to anyone else is going to be his undoing. Oh, John. Your head is a little boxy for a boyfriend. Can you work on that? Because otherwise, you might be the oiliest boyfriend reality television has ever produced, and I don't say that in an entirely negative way. Outside the rooms, John tells Brian, "You're not getting this job with that attitude, period." And...wow. So true. "God, what an idiot," John mutters under his breath as he walks off. And...yeah, that too.
The morning arrives, and we are at the Surfside Motel, home of Net Worth. Brian is lecturing Kristen that they don't have the money to buy the beds at the price they've been quoted. "Okay, number one, that's your fault," Kristen says. Heh. She goes on to blame the budget problem on the unnecessary and wanton destruction of entirely salvageable plumbing. She tells him that she's going to return some things so that they can afford beds. I love that in a hotel, he thought you had to replace the toilets, but the beds weren't a necessity. I'm just saying, you don't get up from the toilet to visit the bed in the middle of the night. He tells her that if she wants to sit down and go over the budget, that's fine. She points out that it's a little late now. She tells him that he has already blown off a million opportunities to do budget, and all he's doing is reaping what he sowed by thinking that a PM didn't need to sit down and figure out budget before anything else. She announces that she's taking control of the money at this point, because he can't make it work. He tries to order her to sit down, and that's definitely not going to work. She tells him, "You suck as a leader, and you got us in this mess, and I don't need to sit down with you, because you don't know what you're doing." "Oh, I don't?" he says. (Good one! Don't take it lying down!) She says, "No, you don't, and everyone here agrees. If anyone gets fired, it's going to be you, because we all will back you up in the Boardroom to get fired, because all of us think you're a shitty leader. Every single person here. She does, I do, she does, she does, he does. Everyone here. So deal with that. And I'm not sitting down to listen to you, because I should have led this project, or someone else who knows more what they're doing than you."
See, she's breaking my heart, because that speech kicked ass, and he totally deserved it, and the way he shriveled up like a Craisin was truly awesome. But there's a time and a place, and I fear that she just made the situation worse, and that's not even counting the fact that it would have a lot more impact if she weren't so bitchy the rest of the time. What you want to do is be really professional and then uncork that speech at the precisely correct moment, and then get right back to work, which, tragically, isn't what she's going to do. But I still kind of loved how she paddled him across his arrogant fanny, because...exactly. Tara is all over the time-and-place problem, though, interviewing that all the fighting is really "insidious" when you're trying to get work done, and she thinks the team doesn't get it. "If you're fighting, you're not working," she quite correctly points out. And you can tell Kristen isn't able to leave well enough alone, because she actually yells at Brian across the pool area from the balcony that Trump says good leaders are respected, and he isn't respected. Which is true, but she really needs to quit while she's...well, not ahead, but at least a little bit in the game. Brian tells her to bring down the money, and she snaps, "No. If you want it, get up here and get it." Yeah, yer mom!
We slide over to Magna, where trash is still being dragged out and the furniture is being brought in. As Alex explains, none of the rooms are done at this point, and there's still a mess everywhere, even though the guests' arrival is imminent. Alex puts his finger on one of the really bad problems when he points out that the rooms smell like wet paint. "We are so gonna get fired, it is over," he says. Carolyn looks around unhappily at the chaos. She walks with Michael as he delivers potpourri to all the rooms, but she interviews that they're scheduled to open and the place is still "a shambles." Oh, and she mentions the stink as well. Fresh paint is not exactly one of the pleasant smells they make potpourri out of, if you get my drift. Anyway, three rooms don't have beds, the bathrooms are "awful," the wiring is "dangerous," and she doesn't think Magna will "do very well." You and me both, Smart Blonde Lady. Especially if the guests are all sleeping on the floor, peeing in the sinks, and electrocuting themselves on the light switches. I'm thinking that's busting you down to two stars, max, no matter how much free booze you put in the rooms.
Over at Net Worth, Brian is meeting up with George, who asks him how the team is doing. Brian goes on to basically complain to George that the team sucks, and he's doing all the work, because his team isn't willing to go along the way it should. "Right now, I am the team," he says. He delivers some particularly bad news when he gives it up to George that they're not replacing the carpeting for lack of funds. "When did you find that out?" George asks with great concern. "Last night," Brian says, trying to sound casual. As we watch Brian sweep the ugly carpeting with a big broom, George says he thinks it isn't looking good for their team. He's particularly unhappy that they're neglecting the carpeting. Indeed, the notion that you couldn't renovate without replacing the toilets, but you don't need to replace that crap-ass carpeting? Unbelievably poor judgment. The carpeting looks like it came from the bottom of a dog kennel, and the toilets were fine before. I'm telling you, unless you're planning on having people kick back and watch TV in the potty, that's backwards, and Brian wears every bit of that himself, having refused to sit down ahead of the time and figure out where the money was going to go. He keeps trying to sweep away the shame, but there is no chance.
In one of my favorite sequences, music honks as the mattresses are loaded in at the Net Worth motel. Carolyn pops into one of the rooms and sits her butt down on the edge. There's a crunching sound, and she immediately busts out a little smile. It's really a completely awesome moment, if you watch it carefully -- her face is like, "Um." And then almost immediately, it goes to, "Hee hee." She stands up and walks over to the corner of the bed. She pulls up the comforter. And the sheet. And she gets down to the mattress. Which still has a plastic cover over it. "Oh," she says simply. "That's what that noise is." We cut immediately to footage of Chris (I think) stretching fitted sheets over mattresses that still are covered in plastic. Carolyn explains that the team just didn't take the plastic off before they put on the sheets. "Which I don't understand too much," she interviews with a smile. We watch her back in the room, where she says -- apparently front of John -- that the sound of the bed is "a little crunchy." And then she just stands up and leaves. Awesome. When Carolyn is awesome, it just doesn't get any better. I'm so glad she seems to have dropped the sort of studied mean thing from last season. She's meaner when she's not trying, like most of us.
Magna. Danny welcomes some guests, who get a room assignment from Verna. Verna interviews that it's all about giving the guests the best and most satisfying experience possible. And then, of course, it's about leaving at random intervals. Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, Danny shows the first set of guests to their room, where the guy immediately comments on the paint smell. I don't think that's a good sign. Back out at the counter, Verna checks in the guest. "We kicked booty," Danny says. While holding his guitar. At least he doesn't sing about customer service at this juncture. As Danny is checking in guests, he semi-spontaneously starts telling them that there's going to be a little bit of a mingle session later, just outside the rooms and in the common spaces. He says that it worked, and people did indeed get to hanging around together that evening. We cut to the evening's festivities and see that it's also good because it gets them out of their incredibly paint-smelly rooms. Alex makes a paper-bag animal with a little girl, while Michael mingles with some customers who want to know about...you guessed it, the paint smell. Stephanie explains that they just hung out with the customers, hoping that everybody would be happy. Stephanie insists it was just one big party, and indeed, a fair amount of pool-jumping and "woo!" seems to ensue. Danny reasons in an interview that their college educations came in handy here, because only college graduates know this much about standing around with people you don't even like because it's better than doing any work. Good point.
Down in the Magna office, however, all is not well. Verna is miserable. She says that she hadn't had sleep, which explains why her "body was mentally exhausted." Yeah. Her body. Was mentally exhausted. As well as her mind being mentally exhausted. She says she felt like she was going to just "collapse." Also, her mind needed a shower.
When we get back from the commercials, Tana is welcoming some guests with gift packs including little amenities they might have forgotten, and she also reminds them that breakfast will be on in the morning from...8:00 to 10:00. If that's the only time they're having coffee, it should start earlier. I'm just saying. If I roll out of bed and can't have coffee right then, I will put a hole through the wall with my fist. Figuratively speaking. Sort of. Tana says that the check-in was working really well.
And guess what? Elsewhere, as guests are walking by, Brian and Kristen are still fighting. Yes, they are still fighting. She's still on the lack of a budget, he insists that they never did it. Angie comes by and tells them that she's headed out to eat, and also points out that it's 11:00 at night, and there are guests who are watching this entire loud argument progress. Angie interviews that this turned into a fight, which stopped the attempt to go out and get food. Audrey also tells Brian to knock it the hell off while the customers are around. She tells them they're both acting like five-year-olds (word), to which Kristen takes offense, because she's at least six. Possibly six-and-a-half. A frustrated Angie says that she needs some money from the project manager to go and get food.
Instead, Kristen decides to come along, but once they're in the van, she can't stop whining about Brian and how much she hates him. "None of us want to hear her bitch," Audrey interviews sharply. "It's the worst, annoying, irritating, teeth-crunching...AAUUGH!" Hee. In the van, Audrey continues to try to get Kristen to shut the hell up and stop griping, especially while the doors to the van are open and there are people around. Kristen protests that no one can hear her. "Can we give it a rest?" Angie moans. "You know what?" Kristen says. "We have a shit team leader that gets in everyone's face." Angie begins flat-out begging Kristen to shut up for just a second, but apparently, this is not possible. And this is where it starts to get kind of funny. "You can't just sit here and be quiet for five minutes?" Angie asks, her voice developing a growl. "Angie," Kristen lectures, "it doesn't work when you talk to me this way." In my favorite moment of the season thus far, Angie leans over the seat into Kristen's face. "Honey, SHUT THE FUCK UP. How about if I talk to you THAT way?" she demands, pointing her finger at Kristen. I loved that. She probably scared all the guests, too, but they're probably all collecting from each other on the bets they have that somebody would scream at the obnoxious dark-haired girl before midnight. Kristen's all, "You know what?", but Angie is done. "Give us some money and get the fuck out of the car," she says. Kristen gets out, but gives no money. When she's gone, Angie sighs. "At least it's quiet," she says. "That's what we wanted," Audrey adds. Heh.
At 2:30 in the morning, Bren is snoring in the office as Verna paces, telling us that she hasn't been eating or taking care of herself. She says that for most of the night, she was "thinking." Oh, good plan. No point in sleeping when you can stay up and pace.
Morning comes. A woman comes to check out, and wakes up Bren, who has been snoozing in the office. She asks if there's coffee anywhere, and he says he'll go and check. He goes and wakes up Verna, who he knows was working on a morning delivery of coffee and donuts. "I'm tired," she tells him from her bed. "I have quit. I'm just not playing this game anymore." He asks her what she means, and she says she's not playing. He tries to get her back on the topic of coffee, but she won't answer, apparently not satisfied to stop herself, but deciding to sabotage the team's progress in the bargain. We see Verna get up in her bed and lean over to slam the door in the camera's face. Bren then wakes up some more team folks and breaks the news about Verna apparently flying the coop. As we see Bren run out and then return with coffee, he voices over that he assumes someone -- maybe Michael -- knows what Verna's deal is, and he just doesn't know whom to ask, but he'll be starting with the PM. Literally as Bren is doing this interview, he looks over his shoulder to see Verna walking off, dragging her little rolly-bag behind her. It's like she's heading off for the saddest vacation of all time. Bren says that he figured they were sunk, because even if people had been happy the night before, if they got crappy service in the morning when they were filling out their Yahoo! surveys, they'd be unhappy and give low ratings. Oh, Bren, they're not going to give low ratings because of that. They're going to give low ratings because their risks for certain diseases increased by a factor of ten overnight while they were inhaling paint fumes.
Verna wanders the streets with her rolly-case. I guess if you walk off a task at the Jersey shore, you kind of have nowhere to go, which is her problem. She explains to us that she was just thinking about all her problems she'd endured, and she had put all sorts of pressure on herself, and "wanted to escape."
Over at Net Worth, Tana is checking people out as happy 1950s music plays. She checks that the guests received their newspapers, which they did. She offers bottles of water, and does her best to be gracious when one guy takes to heart her chipper question about how things were and tells her, "The worst ever. It was horrible. Beds were like sleeping on a slab of concrete." Plastic-covered concrete, that is. He also didn't love the paint on the floors. Jeez, way to be inflexible, Hotel Guest Guy. Tana tries to make it up to him with free donuts for breakfast. I have a feeling that's a big nothing doing there. She interviews that she tried hard to make sure people were at least full when they filled out the surveys. "I think we won on customer service," she says. "Because we wouldn't have won on the insides of those rooms, I'll tell you that." She shouldn't jump to conclusions. Some people like sleeping on concrete. And think painted carpets are chic.
At Magna, Danny and Erin are chatting with Carolyn, and Danny is explaining what happened with Verna's sudden exit. Erin, looking especially scary with her curtains of dark hair, says in an interview that Verna never gave anyone any warning of her impending departure. As we watch, Carolyn goes driving, looking for Verna, and eventually finds her. She's the weird one wandering around with her rolly-case, so she is a little conspicuous. Carolyn says that she followed Verna around for a bit, and then we see that Carolyn walks up to Verna. "Verna," she says gently. "What are you doing? Besides walking and walking." There is no answer. "You just want to relax for a little while?" Carolyn asks. They walk. "Just find out what's going on, are you okay?" No answer. "Listen," Carolyn says, adopting a submissive, friendly, non-boss position by putting her hands in her pockets, "I know it's tough, I know it's stressful, if you want to talk to me, tell me what's going on, I'll listen. Okay?"
Back at Magna, Erin is complaining about how much Verna sucks. Bren is just kind of confused by the cracking under pressure. Alex insists that nothing that went on gave her any "excuse" to quit and leave. He complains in an interview that she just didn't think about anybody but herself. "She screwed the team, she screwed herself, it was terrible," he says with as much force as his rather girly personality can muster. They talk a little more about Verna seeming a little paranoid.
And here comes Carolyn, returning Verna to the motel. "I'm going to get you something to drink, okay?" Carolyn asks in the car. "Thank you; this was a lesson I needed to learn," Verna says. Carolyn is like, "Um," and says, "Well, I don't know exactly what lesson you learned." "Well, I did," Verna says, trying to sound meaningful. "I needed to learn this lesson, and I thank you for that." Carolyn is, you can tell, tempted to leave before Verna can start singing about how you'll never walk alone or you have to climb every mountain or one of those other weird inspirational Rodgers and Hammerstein numbers. Verna says that she was really down, and she didn't have control, and so she realized she needed to stop trying to be the center of the team or something. And she needs to listen more. And sleep more, maybe.
thing you know, Verna is talking to Michael -- who may or may not have ever known she was gone -- about how she needed a "complete attitude and behavioral adjustment," and she's so sorry. She waves what I'm pretty sure is a bottle of Trump Ice as she tells Michael that if the team loses, she'll volunteer to go. It's a nice offer, but I...I really don't think she'll need to. Michael tells her not to worry; they'll win. Michael then goes for something inspirational: "Martin Luther King said the true sign of a man is when he's down." So apparently, the fact that she fled when things got difficult is a good thing. Or something. Or she's not "down" yet. Or...or something. And now Verna, only now seeming like she might be genuinely nutty, announces that her team is made up of "wonderful people." "I'm glad that I have so much to learn from them," she says. Yeesh. Trying to learn from other reality show contestants is a good way to wind up as a bartender with implants.
Danny and Bren sit around and talk to Verna, and Danny tries to make her feel better, which is probably merciful, if not necessarily all that wise. Danny says that she quit "because of pressure," not because she's not good. He thinks it took real character for her to come back. I would love to find out that she was gone for, like, fifteen minutes, because I kind of wonder. Erin gives Verna a hug, because everyone loves each other! Well, not so much in Erin's interview, in which she says Verna walking off could have made them lose. "Verna essentially sabotaged our blood, sweat, and tears," Erin says. Don't forget the paint, Erin. She sabotaged the paint. Erin also misses her own cliché when she says, "When the going got tough, Verna...quit." Oh, come ON! Boooo! Quote some Billy Ocean! "I want Verna to go home, I really do," Erin snots, over footage of Verna hugging other people on the team.
Later, we find ourselves in the Boardroom for the results. The candidates are seated, and then Trump enters and sits. He's wearing a tux today, and starts by telling Danny that it's not necessary to go quite that far on a normal occasion. Continuing to react to things in ways that don't make a lot of damn sense, Trump tells Verna that he heard about her meltdown. But then he heard about her comeback! He loves comebacks! So what does he have to say to her? "Congratulations." Oh, please. Trump does not love a comeback. Trump hates quitters, and he hates weirdos, and he hates people who need attention more than he does. That's absurd, "love a comeback."
Anyway, Trump goes to the results, and we start by looking at their rooms on the plasma screen. Net Worth's rooms look pretty good. Clearly, they painted, too, at least in some rooms. Or they did something, because they've eliminated much of the paneling. I'll give them props on the way the rooms turned out, at least in a picture. Their rooms do look pretty decorated. Brian looks around, happily smiling at his work. Then we go to the Magna rooms, which are clearly not as done-over. They've left much of the paneling as it was. "It doesn't look like Trump Tower to me," Trump says, not impressed. But he says that they both look nice. It's all going to come down to the surveys.
George reads some of the Net Worth reviews, praising the hospitable employees, but saying they're also kind of loud. And the rooms need more work. And apparently, the carpet was never even vacuumed. Ouch. That wouldn't even get you past my father, let alone a paying guest. Their average score on a five-star scale as 2.92. Then we move to Magna, which was praised for being really friendly and fun, but again, the room renovations weren't complete, and the paint smell was no fun at all. Their average score? 3.96. An ass-kicking on the star ratings, interestingly. Trump awards them the win, and Michael week's exemption. And the reward for this week's task is a trip on Steve Forbes's yacht. Unfortunately, Steve Forbes's yacht includes Steve Forbes. And as for Net Worth? Somebody will be fired.
Magna rides in a limo and then boards the yacht. They introduce themselves to Steve Forbes, which Erin thinks makes a nice contrast from their "fleabag motel." They eat lobster on the boat. Bren talks about how important Forbes is, and how the yacht is bigger than Bren's house. Is that supposed to be surprising? Anyway, Forbes says that you have to pay attention to people, even if your personality "makes babies cry." As does his. Because it's all about the customers. And Verna isn't eating, and she's a little seasick, so we may not be done with the drama quite yet. Forbes invites the group for after-dinner drinks and cigars, and of the women, only Stephanie takes a cigar. I'm kind of tempted to say "good for her," except for the part where she'll stink and get cancer. ["And for the part where she made a big old point of mentioning how she was the only woman to take one. The camera is already on you, Stephanie. Take it down a notch." -- Sars] They take in the Statue of Liberty, as Forbes lectures about how somehow, the Statue of Liberty represents making lots and lots of money. Kendra finds him inspiring. I find him not so much inspiring, but plenty weird. But Forbes believes in "freedom and the chance to live the American dream." Forbes ultimately takes his leave of them before he can get sucked into the fighting, and before they know it, they're listening to Enya-esque music over the sounds of Forbes's chopper taking off. Bren says that seeing the helicopter fly away gave him quite a notion of how he'd like to live. And then the entire scene is ruined, not that it was ever very dear to my heart, by a cry of "UNBELIEVABLE!" Man, I hate that. I am already anxious to start beating people. With, like, parts of other people. That I've ripped off.
Back on the L-Pal balcony, John is telling Brian that he doesn't know what Trump will do, but it's not John's impression that pointing the finger is going to help Brian very much in this situation. John is saying that "I couldn't manage the team" and "nobody would listen" are going to sound bad. Brian hates John for being right some more, so he's as mad as he was last time. "No shit. And he's not going to hear it, because I did manage the team, because I blocked the fucking team out, and I hired fifteen fucking contractors. And they're the ones that got the fucking place cleaned up." John shakes his head and sips his drink. Brian insists in an interview that the team lost "because there was no team cooperation." He insists that everybody else wanted to meddle and not take direction. There's another awesome John/Brian moment, where John tells Brian that he knows Brian thinks he's the best -- they all think they're the best. "Then why are you accusing me of the loss?" Brian demands. "Because I watched you work, and you SUCK, that's why. Period," John says. Snerk. Brian has the following defense: "I never conceded until Donald Trump said we lost." Well...good? Or...delusional? Whatever. Either one.
John starts to leave, and Brian says, "Walk away like you did all fucking task, John. Walk away like you did all task." John points out that he had to walk away from Brian in order to get any work done. Brian sighs and rolls his eyes, because these people are so silly. And he is so smart. John tells him that it's time for him to "stop pointing fingers and start pulling the thumb -- ya fucked up," he says. "Period." John says in an interview that he hopes Trump fires Brian, because he's so abrasive that the team would suffer any time in the future that Brian had to do any business on their behalf. Yeah, that's not a very positive review you're getting from your team, there, Brian. Brian just keeps drinking beer on the balcony. Keep going, kid. Maybe if you have nine or ten more.
Ding! Net Worth visits the Boardroom. Inside, they wait for Trump. He finally enters. He reminds the team that John is exempt. Unless, of course, he'd like to waive the exemption. Which John says he would not. So we'll move on.
Trump asks Brian how he felt about how the team, and Brian says something about how it "could have been a galliant [sic] trip," and I don't know where that metaphor was going, but it winds up upside-down in a ditch, spinning its wheels. Brian says that the problem was team cooperation. He doesn't think they worked well as a team. Consider that he was the team leader, Trump wonders, then, whether it was Brian's fault and they can avoid the whole process. "Do you think it's your fault that you lost?" Trump asks. "Should I fire you now?" Trump asks. "Yes, you should," Brian says. Interesting strategy. Trump looks around like he has no idea what to do. Angie wears a "Huh?" face. John makes a face and shakes his head, like, "Once a brain the size of a walnut, always a brain the size of a walnut." Trump finally laughs and says he's never been put in this position before. "Does everybody else feel that Brian should be fired?" he asks. Kristen, unsurprisingly, says that she does. She argues that the team had "no organization." She says Brian didn't delegate, and even though she was the accountant, he wouldn't talk to her about the budget. Trump asks whether Kristen gave Brian "a very hard time," and Angie's all about the sympathetic nodding. Kristen says she felt she "had to, sir," because Brian wanted money for construction. Trump basically asks her why she didn't respect the leader of her team. Brian argues that she wanted to do furnishings instead of a budget, and she insists that's not true. Regardless of who started or didn't start the discussion, Carolyn wonders why Brian didn't have a budget in place. Brian says he did, but George says he means a line-item budget, not just "$20,000 is the budget."
Brian argues that a budget would have taken too long. Oh, damn. George also asks Brian whether there was a plan or a timeline, and insists that without a timeline, there was never a chance they'd get all they intended to do done on time. Trump asks Audrey whether Kristen or Brian was more to blame for the problems. Audrey says that Brian was a bad leader, because he was the one with the authority to take Kristen off of the finances if he thought she was doing a bad job. In other words, if he and Kristen were locked in a room together tearing each other to pieces, he was the one who could have opened the door. Brian tells Audrey that they needed an accountant and a leader, and now he makes the truly remarkable move of complaining about swearing. "I have never told my accountant to go fuck himself," Brian says. "I have never told my accountant that, 'I hope you get fucking fired.'" And then he really gets silly, saying, "And this is the first time you've heard me curse. I did not curse at anybody during the task, and I received the brunt from this entire team." My favorite part is where John, my Partner In Snark, hears Brian claim not to swear at people and just raises the one index finger, like, "I know I'm not getting fired, but certain things cannot be allowed to stand, and 'Fuck This, Fuck That' Guy saying he doesn't curse is one of them." But John doesn't even have to say anything, because Carolyn simply steps in pleasantly to tell him she suggests he not swear in the Boardroom, even in quoting others. John does put in a little, "You cursed at me yesterday morning when you told me to F off."
Trump asks John what he, as the exempt person, is thinking. What did he think of Brian versus Kristen? John says that Brian's personality is so abrasive that he rubbed everyone on the team the wrong way, and it hurt them. "There is not another player on my team that could have done a better job than what we did," he says. Trump goes after Brian's series of mistakes. Spent too much on toilets. Didn't do the carpets. Left a mess. Trump wants to know who made those calls, and John simply says, "They were Brian's." Trump asks Craig what he thought of Brian's leadership, and Craig uses the word "lacking." Does Craig respect Brian? Well, he did before today. Ouch. Trump says that he did, too.
Now, in a little bit of a weird sequence, Chris starts to talk about how the task wasn't organized, and the organization needed to come from Brian. Somehow, we seem to have dropped into the middle of an argument between Chris and Angie, because suddenly, she's complaining that Chris told them all that renovations were his area of expertise. He starts to totally flip out, and tells them that he doesn't physically do renovations, and he never said he did. And if you doubted before now that something is amiss between Angie and Chris that we're not privy to, you won't after you see Angie actually suggest that Chris should be fired instead of Brian. Wow. I mean...what? Chris disagrees. Trump says that Brian did not do a good job on leadership, and starts to sell himself as never-give-up guy. Carolyn tells him that he just gave up two seconds ago when he said he should be fired. Brian somehow doesn't think this qualifies as giving up. Trump says that Brian offered to be fired, and wants to know whether he still thinks so. Brian tries to return to some kind of a "never gave up" theme, and that one is just really, really not going to fly, dude. "I sat down and you said, 'You should fire me, Mr. Trump.' Isn't that right?" Trump asks. "Yes, it is," Brian agrees. "All right. Brian, you're fired."
Trump kicks them all out. Kind of anticlimactic, wasn't it? They all leave, and Brian gets on the down escalator all alone. That was not good Boardroom strategy, dude. Like, at all. In the Boardroom, Trump calls Brian "arrogant" and "not smart." Carolyn and George are both totally amused, because they've seen assholes get theirs before, but never quite like that. Brian goes outside and gets in his cab.
In Brian's taxicab interview, he says, "Well, Mr. Trump, thanks for the opportunity, it was great to meet you, it was great to eat dinner with you. I'm very confident that you lost a great negotiator tonight, and I'm sure our paths will cross in the future. As for my team Net Worth? Good luck, it's going to be a challenge." And then he refuses to say more, and the camera just watches...him...stew. Brilliant.
week: Someone quits. Maybe. Angie and Chris are fighting. And hugging! And fighting. And somebody "should be ashamed." Well, we all should.