Previously on Ask Not For Whom The Wedding Bell Tolls: Chris loudmouthed his way into playing PM for a bridal shop task, and found himself overmatched by the shockingly competent Sandy, who made hay on her own turf. While she easily found the angle, which was to sell discontinued dresses for a song, Chris didn't even know where to begin to whistle a happy tune. Everyone tried their hardest to make it look competitive, what with Wes bonking into parked cars and all, but in the end, Apex took another sound thrashing -- perhaps the soundest of them all -- and in a very anticlimactic Boardroom, Chris went home. Oh, and Mosaic PM Kelly earned himself an exemption without, it appeared, doing a damn thing. Eight people are left. How fast can we get rid of them? Well...I'm glad you asked.
Credits. The only thing that makes me any happier with the people who remain is gazing at some of the people who are gone, Stacy.
New York skyline porn. Slow music, taxis, and up in S5, the ACWDW. Kelly nervously eyes the door. Jen explains to us that Chris was "somewhat lackluster" on the wedding task, and that everyone had figured he would be gone before too long. "So this seemed like the right time," she says. She sees everything coming from a mile away, you know. And indeed, before long, the other folks note the return of...Ivana and Kevin. Andy tries to give Kevin a back-slap hug that sort of fizzles. It's partly because Kevin is so much bulkier than Andy that Andy winds up looking like a Chihuahua trying to hug a Doberman. Ivana gives Sandy a phony little embrace and reports that she needs a glass of wine. Oh, don't we all. And then right in front of Jen, Ivana recounts the story of how she and Kevin reamed Chris for keeping them while letting Jen -- whom Chris freely admitted he was only "superficially friends with" -- go free. Ivana interviews again that this really pissed her off, the way Chris brought her and Kevin in and let Jen off the hook. And I really don't like Ivana, but I do think it's pretty funny when she says, "And I think he was probably falling prey to her hypnotic fembot spell." Complete with little chest-aiming gestures on the word "fembot." Back in the kitchen, the fembot herself takes a little more needling from Wes: "Maybe that's your secret, Jen," he says evenly. "You know how to dog somebody out in a really nice way." Heh. Burn. And also, exactly. And also, maybe Wes should have asked for a lesson. I'm just saying. Everyone else laughs, especially Ivana; Jen makes a sour little bitchface.
That night turns into the morning. In S5, the phone rings. It rings again. It appears at first that no one is responding. Maybe they all went to work for somebody else. Okay, probably not. Oh, and there's Wes, stumbling toward the phone in his...badly wrinkled, salmon-colored...polo shirt? What? Did he sleep in that? Could he not go shirtless, for Sars's sake? He looks like a rich tenth-grader who fell asleep on his parents' couch while making out with his girlfriend. Rhona tells Wes that Trump will meet them at the Levi's showroom at 39th and Broadway. We skip the preliminaries and the tooth-brushing and the blow-drying and go directly to Levi's, where the candidates are arriving. Inside, headless mannequins in jeans wonder what they're supposed to do if somebody gives them really cute hats for Christmas. And now, climbing out of a limo outside, we see Trump, Carolyn, and Boyfriend Bill, apparently putting in another appearance in a cheap attempt to earn this episode a higher grade. Trump and the Viceroys go inside and meet up with Bald Levi's Guy, who leads them to the room where they'll be meeting with the candidates.
Trump welcomes the group to "Week" 11. He asks Apex if they know who the PM is going to be, and Kevin raises his hand. And for Mosaic, the PM is Wes. Trump points out that due to the repeated losses by Apex, the teams are uneven. So at this point, he's going to send a member of Mosaic to Apex. And the way it's going to be done is that Mosaic will have to choose someone to kick out. Now obviously, no one is going to want to go, because...would you, with the way they keep losing? So Mosaic confers, and it looks like the only method they can come up with is for PM Wes to pick someone. Wes chooses to bump Kelly over to the other team. The only reason I can think of for doing that is that Kelly has the exemption, meaning that Kelly won't be as motivated on the task as other people might be. Because otherwise, why oh why would you not send Maria away? (People suggested that just as a matter of math, getting rid of Kelly increased Wes's chances of not being fired, which would have been true if Wes had gotten to trade Kelly in for a person who didn't have an exemption, but it isn't true this way -- either way, there are four non-exempt people on Mosaic.) Anyway, Kelly does not look happy, but that doesn't bother me so much, because he gets his way entirely too often as it is. Trump congratulates Apex on getting this "very good man" from Mosaic. "We're very happy," Jen says, because she has to speak always, every single time, in the way that draws the most attention to herself.
Trump explains to them that Levi's has grown from "humble beginnings" to become a four-billion-dollar company. "I remember from the time I'm two years old, I've been wearing Levi's," Trump claims. "I'm still wearing them on occasion." Well, of course. He wears them when he's, like, painting the bathroom or something. Cleaning the gutters, you know. The team members chuckle at this, which they hope doesn't mean Trump will seek to have them killed. Trump explains that because of all the competitors in the jeans market, Levi's has a constant battle to "get the message out" that they're about more than just 501s. To that end, the teams will be developing an in-store catalog to promote the various styles of jeans that Levi's has to offer. They'll have the services of photographers and graphics folks, and tomorrow night, they'll present their stuff to Bald Levi's Guy, who's actually the Levi's president, as it turns out. BLG will choose the winners, and the losers will go to the Boardroom. And in case anyone didn't notice Boyfriend Bill, Trump points him out, claiming that George is away on another one of his business trips. And by "business trip," we mean "salary negotiation." Heh. Don't let them cheat you out of a penny, George. Trump asks the teams to "do a good job for Levi's," and he takes off. You can tell it's his favorite thing when he gets to wash his hands of an entire enterprise.
Kelly tells us in an interview that Wes sent him over to Mosaic because he was afraid to face Kelly in the Boardroom. "Because I'm stronger than he is," Kelly adds, because he doesn't have a merit badge in subtlety. Kelly also uses the expression that Wes "pushed [him] away," which makes me feel like I'm watching a Dawson's Creek rerun all of a sudden. Don't push him away, Wes! He just wants to love you and design women's coats with you! As Apex gathers -- including its new military member -- the upbeat strummy acoustic guitars would like you to think that it has a new chance at life. Kelly hugs people. Very convincing. I can really feel the love. Kevin interviews that with Kelly on board, he felt positive about being the PM. It turns out that Kevin had a very easy time becoming PM, and accomplished it by asking for the job. The women thought that was fine, because Ivana finds that leading makes it much more difficult to frivolously blame others, while Jen finds that when you're the PM, people expect you to do stuff, which she just hates. Just remember, Kevin, when you're the PM? Never let them see you sweat.
Ivana winds up stepping into the lead on Apex, telling them that she thinks the theme of "fit" that they've hit on is the right one. Kelly makes a note and circles something in his little book, because that's what Kelly does. I have a feeling that if you looked at his notes, things would be underlined several times. In red. Kevin says that his idea is to show that "there is a cut for everyone." Well, at least for everyone who's sex-ay! Ivana gets an idea (I know!), which is to do not just a traditional catalog, but a "fit wheel," where you spin the wheel around to reveal the different fits that are available. I could have lived all my life without hearing Ivana cheerfully interview about her "jeans selector," but it's still better than nothing, inspiration-wise. Despite the fact that the wheel idea makes a lot of sense, particularly if you're trying to emphasize variety in styles, Jen stares blankly at Ivana as if it's completely baffling. ["I got the sense that she understood it perfectly; she was just trying to buy herself time to come up with a better idea with which she could then make Ivana look bad. Which I support, because shut up, Ivana. That, or Ivana explained it crappily, because…she's Ivana." -- Sars] Ivana interviews that poor Jen "is not used to thinking five steps ahead." You know, like Ivana is. She goes on to snot that Jen may be a great corporate lawyer, but she's not an "out-of-the-box thinker." Sometimes, I think I just want to be in the box. Kelly gets the wheel idea, Kevin gets it...Jen just keeps playing with her hair and looking like it's all really dumb. But is she offering up any alternatives? Does she ever?
At the Mosaic team meeting, Wes is telling everyone that they're still a good, strong team, in spite of the fact that Kelly isn't with them anymore. He's like the scrawny second-stringer after the bulky quarterback leaves, crying to the team all, "You guys, we can still win! You guys!" Sandy explains that Wes was picked for PM at random, and then we watch Wes tell the team that the task will be won based on "creativity." Uh-oh. It's always bad when they try to get into "creativity," as opposed to, like, "hygiene" and "breathing" and other things they have a shot at getting right. He doesn't seem to know it yet, however, and specifically talks about how they will be able to rely on Maria's "expertise" and "mind for fashion." And of course, Maria is all pumped up over the fashion task she won as PM last time, despite the fact that -- as I stated at the time -- those clothes were ugly and not that exciting, and had the guys not screwed the pooch on the pricing, she might not have even won. And then Maria starts to be all, "I see three core elements," blah blah blah, and Wes says something about finishing what they're doing and not getting off track quite yet. At which point Maria starts blinking, as usual, and says with her tight little smile, "I wasn't going to get us off track, I was just saying that there three core blah blah blah..." He asks her to just get on with the three things, then. She claims that it's going to be the photo shoot, and there will be models, locations, and clothing, but I'm not sure those are really the three things. I'm not sure we got to see the three things. Now I'll never know! She then brags in an interview about how she has all this expertise in "advertising, layout, and design." Maybe those are the three things! Anyway, she proudly tells us that nobody else in the group has that "skill set." I swear, whoever taught these people to say "skill set" needs to be choked with a tie with the Wharton emblem on it. She also tells the team that she'll be pushing the group outside of its comfort zone, and getting "outside the box," of course. So we will all hope that we are not comfortable only outside the box, because if we are, Maria's head will explode from the paradox. Sandy explains that Maria is definitely looking to be the big boss, but Sandy thinks Mosaic is bright enough for everybody to contribute without quite so much bossy from the Blinker. "It would be an awful, stupid, ridiculous idea to just leave Maria in charge of it." Heh -- tell us what you really think, Sandalita.
"Never Lose Your Cool," says this week's black-and-white motto, as Trump explains that temper tantrums are only acceptable if you do them intentionally for motivational reasons. Or if they're directed at your divorce lawyer. Or someone else's divorce lawyer. And what is he doing while giving this speech about not losing your cool? Well, he's...promoting his book. Not sure I see the tie-in there or understand why we're seeing this, unless the "tie-in" is Trump standing over the shoulder of post-production going, "Make sure you get some pictures of my book launch in there."
The sound of horns takes us back to Apex, where Kevin and Jen are in the back of a car, talking about the possibility of including some artistic pictures. When the team shows up at the photo studio, Kevin says their goal was to "get organized." He explains that because they wanted to make consumers feel comfortable, they decided that they wouldn't use models to show the jeans. They would use normal, regular-looking people, like himself and Jen. Oh, come on. I'm supposed to be able to identify with Jen? Yeah, actually, I don't think so. Kevin is the first to have his picture taken. He claims that the team is "a diverse group of people" with "different body types." Different body types? What is he talking about? Has he lost his ever-lovin' mind? He and Kelly are both buff guys. Jen and Ivana are both teeny girls. In case he hasn't noticed, neither of those types are really in particularly short supply in your average catalog as it is. The buff guys and teeny girls are covered. Think "scrawny" for the guys, Kevin. Think "girls with big hips." (Come to think of it, I think Kevin should think "girls with big hips" all the time, but...that's different, so never mind.) One funny thing about this sequence is that they're using music that's supposed to sound like "Everyday People" but is not actually "Everyday People." Ah, the vagaries of music licensing.
As the shots are taken, Ivana explains to us that the first priority with jeans is always asses, so they concentrated on lots and lots of ass shots. Go, ass shots! And then there is a whole little ripple of activity and a tinkly musical flourish when Jen, all hookered-up with extra makeup and big hair so that she looks as much like a model and as little like a regular person as possible, strolls out, to the hoots of, in particular, Kelly. He says "atcha-cha" in this kind of skeevy way that he thinks will make it look less like his eyeballs just went "zoing" out of his head when she walked in, because he was just kidding. He goes on to explain to us that Jen is "rolling around on the mat" as if she's experienced in modeling. And indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if she is. Ivana, who is not very appealing but is beginning to at least show the ability to be endearingly bitchy at isolated moments, says that Jen makes a perfect model, because she's...and then Ivana makes a curtain-drawing gesture across her face, indicating that Jen is a great model because there's nothing there to interfere with a nice, blank presentation. And I kind of agree. Unfortunately, Ivana loses all the points she has accumulated up to this point by saying that a great model is someone who can "act at the drop of a pin." Sigh. One cliché at a time, princess. Don't hurt yourself. Kevin refers to a particular shot of Jen from over the shoulder as the "money shot." I'm done with that segment, thanks.
Over at Mosaic, Wes is directing the photo shoot, using plain old models rather than authentic Mosaic asses. Don't miss the shot of the naked girl changing her shirt in the background; I'm sure they're not missing it. Unfortunately, as Wes explains, he has no idea what he's doing. And that leaves him wide open to the arrival of Maria, who swings into the room like she owns it and starts giving orders. "I need for her bra not to show," Maria says with disgust at one point. Someone says they thought that looked kind of okay, but Maria insists it's "distracting." In an interview, Maria complains that no one was taking charge of the situation, so...guess what? She did. Wes deadpans in an interview, "When Maria flew into the studio on her broomstick, the whole attitude of the room changed." Hee. As Andy tries not to laugh at Maria's antics and...um, flight...Wes voices over that Maria thought nobody else was competent to run the show. Maria tells the photographer that they're going to do "bitchy." And she's running her hand over her own hair with her hand on her hip, kind of demonstrating. As the models pose, Maria tells them, "Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy, though." I'm not sure "bitchy" is a really helpful instruction for models, although not being one, I can't speak to it with any confidence. She then instructs them to employ as much "butt attitude" as possible. Whatever "butt attitude" is. Again, maybe that makes sense to models. Andy laughs, as does a guy I think is one of the production guys on the photo shoot. Maria insists in an interview that she understood the importance of good butt shots. Butt shots! Butt shots! Let's say it some more!
Andy and Sandy, meanwhile, are coaxing Maria to move things along, because they still have some jeans to get through, and they've only really got time for about five or seven shots per setup. Andy continues to try to step in, and Maria says -- in a voice reserved for teachers, snotty aunts, and beauty pageant contestant chaperones -- "Andy, please." He persists, moving on to Wes and saying that Wes, as the PM, really needs to do something. This is very mysterious to me, the way Wes clearly can't stand Maria, but is very hands-off in the way he approaches her. It's weirdly prickly in a way I don't totally get. In an interview, Andy says -- entirely correctly -- that a big part of a short task like this is time management, and they can't stand around taking fifty shots of every setup if they're going to finish on time. He reiterates that he told Wes over and over again that he needed to get a handle on the situation with Maria. "Otherwise," he quotes himself as saying to Wes, "she'll never respect you and she'll walk all over you."
Wes steps over at last and tells Maria that they need to move along. "I understand; I understand," she says. "Do not get in my freakin' face." He tries to continue to talk to her, and she points her finger about an inch from his face and says, "I understand. Back off." And I have to say that I...don't understand. If he's so scared of her that he's afraid of approaching her, how does she feel comfortable enough with him to point in his face like that? I can't figure out their dynamic at all. Anyway, Sandy tells us that she thought Wes didn't do enough to contain Maria. "I would have been like, 'You, outside,'" she says. Heh. I'm kind of sorry that didn't happen. Because, hey, one of them would wind up with a black eye, and that's a no-lose situation if ever there was one. Sandy correctly points out that Wes needed to put his foot down and tell her that he was the PM, and if he said to hurry up, she had to hurry up.
Maria, helped by the editors who clearly love her (heh) in her quest for infamy, is seen trying to explain what she wants by saying, "Give me bitchy or give me death." The fact that the business world contains people who say things like that is the main reason why I have never been remotely tempted to enter it.
We return to find Mosaic in a meeting, with the giant Yellowfin Graphics logo in the back, in case you missed their early product placement. Maria is in that dumb-ass shiny jacket again, and she explains that she spoke to the graphic designers about the layout. My favorite part of this entire episode is how Andy is hanging back the whole time, laughing at Maria. It makes me giggle every single time. Maria lectures the rest of the team that she needs "time by ourselves" with the designer. Wes, Sandy, and Andy leave Maria alone with the designer, as Wes tries to calm Sandy, who is annoyed as all hell with being dismissed by someone as dumb as Maria. And I don't blame her a bit. Sandy can't understand how Maria can object to having other people at least present while she works. Maria is losing her marbles.
A bit later, Maria brings the work in to show it to Sandy, and she cannot understand how Sandy doesn't think that having Maria ferry the product back and forth and give them all a chance to consult isn't just as good as all of them working on it together. Unbelieeevable. Boyfriend Bill wanders by and sees Maria and Sandy yelling at each other. Oh, and Andy. Trying not to laugh. But as amused as he is, Andy also has a perfect bead on what went wrong. "This fight never would have occurred if Wes, in the beginning, had not been afraid to say no to Maria when she needed it." He goes on to say that furthermore, even if there's a fight, it should last 30 seconds, not the 20 minutes that it actually did. We watch as Sandy tells Maria that she has a track record of being really bossy, owning everything, and not being willing to delegate. Maria makes an exaggerated "What are you talking about?" face. "You want to be totally accountable for the win, but not for the loss," Sandy says, and she is so spot-on that it almost makes Maria's head fall off. But in an interview, Maria assures us that it's just that Sandy is unprofessional. Heh. "It angers me to be called a control freak, because I'm just quite simply not," she says. Blink-blink-blink-blink-blink. Hee. That was one of the funniest contestant interview moments I've ever seen.
Sandy tells Maria that she doesn't appreciate being made to feel useless, or being "dismissed from a room." Maria nods in mock agreement, claiming that she totally sees Sandy's point. "Sandy, I would like to apologize to you," she says in that phony way that indicates that she's warming up to prove, in her own mind, that she's been right all along. "Will you forgive me and not bring this up anymore?" See? Maria is so sorry that she just wants to make sure everyone understands that what's really unreasonable is the way Sandy keeps bringing it up. Sandy asks not to be sent out of rooms in the future, and Maria says condescendingly, "I will never dismiss you again from another room." And now, Maria? Starts to cry. "Just know that you've beaten me down when all I wanted was to give you something that you could rip apart." Andy is looking all somber, but I still get the sense that he really, really wants to crack up. "I am constantly reminded that no one is my friend," Maria interviews. My God, I WONDER WHY. Her taking this so personally seems incredibly bizarre to me. She wanders away from the meeting with her team, telling us how she's here to win, not to feel good. And it's a good thing, because she looks like she's about to go bonkers.
Apex is at the graphic design place. Ivana checks out the fit wheel, which looks pretty good. What's more, as she's looking at a graphic of a pocket, she gets the idea of packing the fit wheel in a mock-up of a Levi's pocket. I find her unrelentingly annoying, but I will give Ivana this much -- she was right on target through this whole task, because this is a pretty good idea, too. Meanwhile, Jen is working on the presentation, I think, saying that if she could see the product, she would find it "inspirational." Kevin interviews that Jen was basically "useless" on the task, so he wound up giving her busywork to keep her out of the way. Well, when she wasn't showing her ass, because she was useful in that regard. Her ass was useful! As the team reviews the pictures, somebody asks whether they should call Jen to look, and Kevin says, "No. 'Cause you've got 15 minutes." Ivana pipes up, "With every task, she just gets more blonde and blonde." Which would be a harmless cut, except that...Carolyn is sitting right there when she says it. Psst, Ivana: Before you insult blondes, check the room for any that could get you fired. Just a hint, girl to girl.
Jen interviews that she does think Kevin gave her busywork and "marginalized" her. And why? Because Kevin and Ivana are so weak, and they resent her for being so awesome. Bleh. I mean, Ivana is weak, I agree, but Jen hasn't exactly knocked my socks off recently, and there's no taking away from the fact that Ivana did plenty on this particular job, so grumping about how incompetent she is kind of makes it look like Ivana might not be the only one who's jealous, you know? My dislike of Jen continues to grow.
Trump's giant limo turns a corner, and we hear Trump canceling all of his pretend appointments in order to visit Levi's. I really wish they wouldn't do things like that. It's insulting. At Levi's, Mosaic is chatting about its upcoming presentation. Andy points out that if they're not all going to wear Levi's, they should wear suits out of respect, because otherwise, it just looks like they "forgot to wear jeans." "I think it's cool like it is," Maria says dismissively, and Wes agrees. They go in to meet with BLG, who I really like. He welcomes them and introduces them to a couple of other big shots. Wes's introduction is, "What if the jeans could talk?" Uh...you probably wouldn't want to hear what they'd have to say about your behind, no matter how good they make it look. Maria beams as Wes wonders aloud what story your jeans would tell about you. You know, if they were alive and could talk and we could stop them from taking over the planet. Because you know a pair of jeans could kick your ass. Wes does a bit more of this setting up of the strange concept, and then Maria takes over. She babbles about the jeans telling the story, and then she explains that they have this enormously tall stand-up photo of a female model wearing a bikini top made from a Levi's bandanna and a skirt fashioned from a pair of men's 501s. "And why on a woman?" asks a mildly perplexed BLG. "And why not on a woman?" Maria asks. Ha ha ha. Awesome. That's telling them, Blinker. Maria leans down on the table and actually looks right at these Levi's people and says, "If being sexy is wrong, then I don't want to be right." The intense wrongness of that remark is difficult to quantify using existing number systems. That's an example of a phrase that not only is no longer hip, it wasn't even hip when it was new. It was invented as a parody, essentially, of things that people say to try to be cool. It's never actually been anything other than intentionally lame, and delivered by Maria, who uses it without irony, it is -- predictably -- even worse.
Andy, who is still smiling inwardly during the presentation, says in an interview that Maria dominated the whole thing. Moreover, he says that she said a lot of things that he wouldn't have chosen to say, and that he suspects Wes wouldn't have chosen to have anyone say. I'm not sure if that line about being sexy was one of them, but I certainly hope it was. BLG guy points out that almost all of the shots in the catalog are front shots. Why no butts? Where are the butts? What has become of the butts? Maria basically blames it on the fit of the jeans, which she says didn't look quite good enough for great butt shots. Good one! Insult the product; that's always a winning strategy. Wes interviews that Maria blew it with the pictures, after promising him that she knew what she was doing. "She let me down in this respect," he says. BLG tells the team that they did a good job, and he'll think about it. Oh, and he has one more thing to say. They're dressed casually, but not in Levi's. Maria babbles through her toothy smile that they didn't have time to get any this morning. "The only thing I'd say to you is planning ahead time," the guy says, kindly but pointedly. Because, you know, Levi's didn't go on the market this morning, and Maria -- whether she meant to or not -- just admitted that they didn't own any Levi's that they could wear prior to the task, and kind of acted like they couldn't have expected her to, you see what I mean?
to visit is Apex, all decked out in Levi's-wear. Kevin jumps into the presentation, and his approach is very fired-up. In fact, it's so fired up that he goes into an almost immediate flop sweat of epic proportions. What the hell is going on there? It's like he's got a gland problem. Have we ever seen that before? Is that nerves? Because...mercy, that's a lot of sweat. Jen talks about how "aggressive" he was in the presentation, and she seems to be trying to come up with something to say besides how sweaty he got, though she mentions that, too. ["Maybe it's just me, but he seemed to be talking too loudly as well. I would have felt a little uncomfortable with the, er, forcefulness of that presentation if I were on the other side of the table." -- Sars] Mercifully, Kevin hands over the presentation to Ivana before he starts dripping on the table. Ivana starts by glorifying the butt and even turning around to indicate her own, which normally you wouldn't do, but since she's wearing the Levi's and her catalog is based around the back pocket, I don't think it's too bad. Plus, the people make jeans. They're not precious about asses, believe me. Ivana unfolds the pocket catalog, and this is where you find the shots of the different folks in jeans. BLG chuckles over the fact that they used themselves in the catalog. Ivana also shows off the fit wheel, and the way you spin it around to look at the different styles.
BLG asks how they came up with their idea, which really gives Ivana an opportunity -- which she deserves -- to talk about her creativity a little bit, because she was indeed the creative force on the task. But Jen jumps in and steps all over Ivana's shit, trying to explain how they came up with the idea, even though she didn't even initially understand it. Nice. Ivana's frustration is quite evident. Kevin interviews that this was a pretty punk move on Jen's part, since it was Ivana's idea and he feels like Jen tried to suck off some of the credit for it. Which she did. Ivana says that she actually waited for an opening and then jumped in to try to explain her idea from her own perspective. I can't stand either of these women, so I can barely bring myself to care, but Jen is really beginning to ramp up this thing she has about doing nothing but talk a good game all the time. BLG winds up telling them that he thinks they did really well.
And now Trump arrives with Melania. Who, incidentally, is wearing Levi's as well. Of course, BLG compliments Melania on how she looks in her jeans. Because when a guy brings his girlfriend to meet you, the thing to say, pretty much, is, "Great ass!" BLG tells Trump that things went fine with the teams, and that they're about to bring them in for the results. The teams return. BLG starts off by saying that Apex did very well with the pocket, which emphasizes the butt-centric culture of a jeans company, as well as with the fit wheel, which communicates that there are a variety of cuts available. "You nailed that perfectly," he says. He doesn't think it's quite sexy enough, but still very good. As for Mosaic, he thinks they, on the other hand, did well communicating sexiness. However, they didn't do as well at communicating the range of styles, and they didn't provide anything that would tend to communicate that young and old, male and female customers can all find something that's to their liking. In other words, Apex wasn't sexy enough, and Mosaic was too sexy to the exclusion of the more department-store aspect of Levi's jeans. It's such a double-edged sword, the sexiness. Ultimately, because of the weaknesses in the Mosaic presentation, the winner is Apex. In a particularly bad moment, Trump asks BLG who on the Apex team he thinks did the best job. Of course, BLG only saw the presentations, it appeared, so he has very little to go on. And whom does he single out? Jen. AAAARGH. Ivana seethes, and again, although I hate her and sort of think she deserves it for her many weeks of refusing to take responsibility for anything, I still feel for her, because...AAAARGH. And Trump congratulates Jen, telling her that all her education "finally" paid off.
Trump goes on to explain the reward. He claims that Billy Joel is "a very good friend" of his (!), and has a Broadway show, and their reward is going to be going to the theater to hang out with Billy Joel and chat with him. Sigh. See, you have to understand that I loved Billy Joel when I was younger, and when I can keep him in that box, I sort of still do. But the late-model, Girls' Bike Club, marrying-really-young-chicks version of him just makes me weep openly, so as soon as I heard about this reward, I was very depressed. Because the last thing I want to do is see him now. It's strange to think that in some ways, it is now easier to admit that I saw Jack Wagner live. TWICE. (I own both albums. I...it's...I don't know.) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, step right up. I am the biggest dweeb in history, and believe me when I tell you that Jack Wagner is not the half of it. Anyway.
Oh, and Mosaic will have to come to the Boardroom later, where someone will be fired.
Apex goes to the theater with the big Movin' Out sign. They go inside, and down the stairs walks...late-model, GBC Billy Joel. In an interview, Kelly tries desperately to find some relevance to the Billy Joel reward by pointing out that, like Levi's, Billy Joel is an icon. I watch through interlaced fingers. GBC Billy takes them through the theater, showing them around, and then as they sit in the theater seats, he lectures them, looking under the bad lights like some kind of a droopy, desiccated nightmare, and this is so sad I CANNOT LOOK. He tells them about how the show is a business enterprise on which he took a risk, blah dee blah. So that's what it has to do with them. Ivana says that he talked about the importance of taking risks.
And then, as if attempting to actually drown my spirit for good, GBC Billy sits down at the piano and croaks out "She's Got A Way." Now...you know how everybody has a couple of songs that just...you know what I mean, right? They would make you swoon, even if the other person in the situation were kind of gross? This is one of mine. (Feel free to make a note. The second one is "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys, and the third one is any version of "What'll I Do?") So I find this particularly agonizing, because the guy just doesn't sound the same anymore. Not that he should, being 25 years older than he was when I started listening to him and more than 30 years older than "Piano Man," but still.
Anyway, he tells them to take lots of risks, sings part of a lullaby that I also love that also sounds bad, and finally, we all get to go home so that I can stop the intense hurting.
Back at the suite, Mosaic is thinking about the upcoming Boardroom. Maria self-satisfiedly declares with a big smile that if anyone tries to pin the loss on her, it's going to mean the rest of them were just "sitting on [their] asses." And then she blinks very, very hard. She is incredibly proud of this observation, as she is with every damn thing that comes out of her mouth. "And that's dangerous for you all," she adds, blinking even more. She announces that she'll be "going after Wes." Heh heh. She makes exaggerated hand motions that I think are symptoms of inner panic as she emphasizes that there was "no direction." (Well, other than the direction she ignored.) She also points out that Wes is the only one of them to have led twice and lost twice. Which is true, and bodes ill for Wes. Maria, in her interview, goes so far as to blame the failure to hold to deadlines on Wes. "That is not a Maria problem, that is a leadership problem," she says, even though she was specifically urged, by her leader, to move along, and refused. Amazing. Maria goes on to snot that Wes just doesn't have good leadership skills. She is so smart.
Wes and Andy chat in the bedroom, and Wes says he's "no dummy." He knows that he's probably in trouble, and people are "plotting against [him]." Andy chuckles, because...what can he say? Wes says in an interview that everybody's vulnerable, but...probably him, especially. He tells Andy that he thinks Maria ought to be held to the fire too, though. He interviews that he thinks Maria should be fired, for showing a total lack of leadership abilities. And for all her clothes.
They head to the Boardroom. The elevator doors open, and they go in. Trump appears. Wes, by the way, is wearing a very nice sort of berry-colored tie. Hot. ["I'm saying." -- Sars] Maria, on the other hand, is wearing her black jacket with all the silver rivets. I hate that jacket. She looks like she's ready for a formal evening at Space Camp. Trump asks her immediately about the fact that jeans are meant to show off the body. "In particular, they're supposed to show off the ass," he says. I don't need to see Trump say "ass" a whole lot, but okay. He asks Maria why she didn't promote the ass in the shots. Wes puts in that Maria didn't like the butt shots, because she didn't think they looked quite right. Maria makes that "no-no-no" condescending noise she always makes, and Trump basically tells Wes that Maria may have been wrong, but it was on him as the PM to overrule her on something that basic if she was. Ultimately, the asses are on his head. Or something.
Boyfriend Bill has something else on his mind. "Why the fighting?" he asks. Sandy says that it resulted from her desire to know what was going on and Maria's refusal to allow anyone else to participate in putting together the catalog. Trump gives Sandy some shit about calling Bill "Bill" instead of "Mr. Rancic," but I'm not sure he can possibly be serious, because the contestants have called Carolyn and George by their first names all along, so I'm not sure he's not just giving Sandy lip because he can. Furthermore, Bill looks like he's going to die of embarrassment. It's like when your grandmother makes you play the piano in front of her friends.
Asked whether Maria is talented, Wes says she is, but she "over-promised" and "under-delivered" in this particular case. Andy jumps in to say that he used Maria in the same way as PM, but that she needs to have some boundaries laid down, and Wes never did it. So Andy deftly manages to put some blame on both Wes and Maria while also theoretically relieving either of them of complete responsibility. Maria jumps in about how everyone is talking about her, but she's not getting to talk about herself. And we know how she loves to do that. Trump tells her that nobody cares what she has to say, and she sarcastically agrees. Wes argues that he tried to give her as much direction as possible, and then she leaps back in to say that Wes was "asleep at the wheel." She blames the entire loss on lack of "planning," which is hardly a ringing defense of herself, and Carolyn looks dubious. Carolyn also raises the issue that they didn't all even wear Levi's to the presentation. Maria acts all horrified, and again blames the planning. Well...didn't Andy say they should do something about that, and didn't Maria blow him off? Yeah, that's what I thought I remembered.
Bill's question is for Andy. He's a nationally ranked debate champion. Why so quiet at the presentation? Trump puts in that he's pretty quiet in the Boardrooms, too. Andy nods, and then he says that when you're in debate, you learn not only when to talk, but when to just listen, and in fact, he thinks that's part of what went wrong on the task -- too much yapping, no actual communication. "Very nice answer," Trump says, and Andy smiles at the table. Oh, Andy. You're like the friend's little brother you always hope will stop being an ass and become cute and charming. Trump offers Wes the opportunity to bring either two people or the whole team to the final table. Having probably heard what happened to Chris last week when he released one person, Wes chooses to bring the entire team to the end, as they all failed together.
As the team waits in the lobby, Trump asks Carolyn what she thinks of Wes as a leader, and she says that he's "very sharp," but he's not a good leader and "can't delegate." Bill agrees that "Wes cannot control the troops." He says that in addition to all of the organizational mishaps, a fight broke out that lasted for half an hour, and Wes didn't put a stop to it. Carolyn adds, though, that Maria doesn't work well with anybody, and Sandy is kind of not doing a whole lot. Bill opines that Sandy is being "underutilized," and then Trump tells Bill that he's also being "underutilized" and should get back to his pretend job in Chicago as the guy "in charge" of that big building. Poor Boyfriend Bill. Will the humiliations never cease?
Robin sends everybody back in. They all sit. Trump asks Maria if Wes is a bad leader. "Definitely," she says. And then he turns to Andy, who we know basically likes Wes. "Wes, lousy leader? Andy?" "Yes. Yes," Andy says, a little sadly, I think. Wes asks to defend himself. "You better start moving quickly," Trump says with a head shake. Wes says he tried several times to speed up the process, and that when he did, Maria yelled in his face and told him to back off. Carolyn seems to be disturbed by this indeed, but tells Wes that anybody who treated her like that would be fired. The thing is that I don't think Wes really had the choice of firing Maria. I guess he could take her off the task, but...still. Bill, more clearly, suggests that in that situation, you at least have to "put her on the bench." Wes says that he wanted to, but he didn't think they could just give up 25 percent of the team. "My major mistake here was giving Maria too much leeway," he says. And pretending to like her jacket, I think.
Trump asks Wes if he would fire Maria. He says he would, because Maria can't be a productive member of a team. And that's certainly true. "Maria," Trump says, "you were difficult to work with, you lashed out at your project manager, which was completely out of line. Wes, you lost control of Maria, and you failed as a leader. You both did a horrible job. Maria, you're fired." Maria looks down at the table. "And I just have to do this; I have no choice. Wes, you're fired also." Maria smirks, because now she feels better. Andy sits with the eyebrows raised, like, "Um." They all get up and leave. Andy and Sandy go up, and Wes and Maria have to share the down elevator. And that, while cruel, is also funny. They stare coldly at each other.
Inside, Trump says it "had to be done," and again, Carolyn thinks it was a "no-brainer." She usually does, of course. They also agree that Andy needs to step up in future weeks, and I don't know that the inclusion of that remark bodes very well for him.
We watch as Wes and Maria leave the building together and -- I am totally not kidding -- have to share a cab to loserville. Sandy and Andy return to the suite. Awwwesome. Hee hee.
In their joint exit interview, in which they are crammed into the back seat of a cab (snerk), Wes and Maria both say very little of value. Among other things, Maria spits that "this has been a great experience." Yeah, I can tell. "I would've at least liked my own cab," Wes says. HA HA HA! That was brilliant. Oh, Wes. ["Call me!" -- Sars]
week: Post-double-firing fallout. Ivana and Jen hate each other. Pepsi bottle design. How many can we get rid of this time?