Previously on Fashion Forward...On Its Face: Eeeeee! Apex won! Eeeeeee! And capelets! Eeeee! Let's play dress-up! Eeeee! Home economics rules! Eeeeeee! Yeah. Anyway, the women of Apex were better at cooing over clothes designed by someone else than the men. Sure, it wasn't cerebral, but there's a good reason Trump doesn't start off every week by telling each team to appoint a classics professor. Maria and Kelly were Obnoxious and Overbearing, the Goofus and Gallant of Type-A personalities, except for the part where neither of them is a role model for anyone but Texas high school football coaches. John was the fumbling project manager on the wrong side of the victory, and he didn't look good after abandoning a few of the task's smaller components, like the avoidance of total financial ruin. In the Boardroom, John tried to get Andy thrown out on his Ivy League ass, but it turns out that the railroading of the socially disfavored doesn't work without the Magic 8-Ball as an accessory, so John's own mistakes wound up being his downfall, and he took the boot. Stacy? Well, she was still a do-nothing troublemaker. You know, if the people who produce this show really knew what they were doing, that would be ripening into a plot point right about now.
Credits. I bet you could use that shot at the end to teach yourself how to forge Trump's signature. Not that I am advocating that, for the purposes of the definitions of words like "aiding and abetting."
New York. Night. A spiteful God looks down on the Manhattan streets, adjusting his Red Sox hat and opening a jar of peanuts. And in S5, it is time once again for the Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch. The ACWDW begins when Chris, Wes, Kelly, and Raj return to tell the ladies that John is at the final table with Andy and Kevin. Kelly tells the Apexiennes that he talked straight about Andy -- Andy asks too many questions, needs oversight, on and on and on. So by "talked straight," he means "kind of fibbed, but not that much, compared to, like, a member of Apex." Stacy asks why Andy was taken in, and Wes says that it's because John thinks Andy is weak. As Wes points out, though, while Andy isn't a great leader, he contributes in other ways, including "creativity." Like, for instance, coming up with the million-dollar giveaway that ended before it began. Or that impressive "Crustacean Nation" concept that went over with the seven-year-olds with all the pizzazz of a mechanical pencil. See? Andy's a creative genius. Give him enough chances and he's totally going to come up with something that can be successfully executed without breaking the law, or preventing children from ever enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail again. Outside, the spared Kevin and Andy make their way toward the suite. They open the door just as Wes is saying that he thinks Andy, in fact, contributes to the team more than John. If that timing really worked that well, then that's pretty cool. And it appears that it did, because when Wes spots Andy returning with Kevin, he says, "What'd I tell you?" As Andy and Kevin get hugs, Wes interviews that he thinks this was the moment in the game where people figured out that you couldn't pick on Andy just because he's young. "I think people will think twice before they bring him into the Boardroom with them," Wes says. Foreshadowing opens a beer and high-fives God, and the two of them discuss whether crowd shots of Jimmy Fallon at Fenway Park are really necessary.
Ivana announces that, wonder of wonders, there's...food! And then she proceeds to wow the assembled masses with...a plate of Doritos with salsa poured over them. "Oh, those look great," someone gushes. Someone, that is, who has trouble with either glass jars or cellophane bags and is therefore excessively grateful for even the kind of snack that is traditionally served at slumber parties. As they all sit down to dinner, which it appears the girls prepared also (it's probably Lean Cuisines), the phone rings. Wes gets up to answer it, and when he does, it's not Rhona, the way it usually is when they get an assignment. It's Robin from the Boardroom, and she tells them that they all have to return there right away. Andy repeaterviews what we just saw with Wes answering the phone, and adds that he was kind of bummed, because he's been in the Boardroom enough, and he'd like to have eaten his taco. Eye on the ball, junior. You're too weak to be flip.
The elevator doors open, and the entire squad goes pouring into the Boardroom. Trump gives them lip about being dressed down and caught unprepared and so forth, as if they're supposed to lounge around in their suits and...fishnets or hot pants or whatever the hell passes for women's professional attire around here. Trump tells the teams that they each have to choose a PM. The women choose Jen, and the men choose Wes. Trump has decided, since the teams are even at six and six, that it would be a good time to shuffle them up like a deck of playing cards. Incompetent, backstabbing, badly-dressed playing cards with great big teeth. In my favorite development ever, Trump says that this time, the teams will be mixed by having each PM send over the three people the PM doesn't want. Heh. It's sort of in the "the more they suck, the more okay it is to humiliate them openly" spirit of this season. Jen starts by sending over Sandy. Wes sends over Raj, claiming that he's "let[ting] Raj go with the ladies." Of course, there are going to be three "ladies" on each team in a minute, so...thanks for playing, there, Einstein. Don't sprain anything with neurons in it. Jen rids herself of Maria. Wes discards Chris. Jen casts off Stacy. Wes, after hesitating, unloads Kevin. So it's Jen, Ivana, Elizabeth, Kevin, Chris, and Raj as the new Apex, and Wes, Andy, Kelly, Stacy, Sandy, and Maria as the new Mosaic. As difficult as it is to compliment anyone right now, Jen certainly sent the three women I would have been most anxious to get rid of. Even though I don't care for Ivana, I'd have wound up keeping her. Oh, and Stacy is pouting a tiny little pout, because someone has given her a clue of that which she clearly does not know about herself. It's like she's got her brow wrinkled over a brain teaser that says: "You are a [rhymes with 'rain in the sass']." Trump says that he'll see the new teams tomorrow, and sends them off. Carolyn stares after them skeptically, like, "You know, you can rearrange them as many times as you want, and they're all still going to suck." Sandy says in a smiley, clipped little interview that she's going to make Jen regret sending her over to Mosaic by just being so darn good that her team will totally win. Win, dammit! And also, she hates Jen and Jen's ass face. The teams return to S5.
At the Mosaic meeting, which Maria does not seem to be attending at first for some reason -- perhaps she is busy putting the salsa in the fridge and figuring out how to work the Chip Clip. Wes asks Stacy and Sandy what they're good at. Other than, you know, hating all the other women, which is the skill they've displayed most consistently. "I know you're good at arguing and asking questions," Wes says to Stacy. She starts right in, indeed, to yap about why Apex sucked so hard (prediction: "not my fault" or its functional equivalent was going to be in there somewhere), and Kelly mutters that Stacy will be allowed "[o]nly one question every ten minutes." Heh. She starts back in talking, barely missing a beat, and then she turns to him and says, like he's very stupid as opposed to being the guy who keeps doing everything better than she does, "My questions help." Huh. Yeah, I guess they edited out all the helping and replaced it with CGI ineptitude. Indeed, Kelly looks dubious.
More pleased with herself than ever, Stacy interviews in that little-girl cadence where your voice draws up at the end of every sentence: "The men think that I am extremely vocal and opinionated? And I ask a lot of questions? And they are absolutely a hundred percent correct!" She grins at her own wit and brilliance. She's so proud of how obnoxious she is, it's almost a little embarrassing to watch, especially in retrospect. It's really, really embarrassing if you watch the clip about ten times in a row, using the eight-second replay on your TiVo. So, you know, don't do that. I mean, I...I totally didn't. Anyway, we cut back to the Mosaic meeting, where she is unleashing a barrage of boring questions about how the guys like to operate. Questions that are (1) not that interesting; and (2) not really her problem. Wes is the PM. If he's got an operational style, I'm sure he'll share it with her. She could even try to intuit it from, you know, his style of operating, although I realize that would be a pretty advanced maneuver for someone who hasn't figured out yet how not to dress to make herself appear even shorter. "Stacy can't shut up!" Wes marvels in an interview. He admits that he talks a lot himself, but makes clear that she puts him to shame. He explains that her incessant question-asking makes a big morass out of everything when the team is trying to work, basically. As we fade away from Mosaic, Stacy is...well, she's still talking.
Over at Apex, Jen is asking the guys to tell her about strengths and weaknesses -- not only their own, but each other's. Kevin says that Raj has a lot of "charisma" and energy, but that he can "be long-winded when [they] don't need him to be." Man, this is a hard night for the big talkers. Big talkers get such an unfair bad reputation. Anyway, Raj looks a little wounded, but not surprised, by Kevin's remark. Jen teases Raj that she'll be "stifling" him, so it won't be a problem. In an interview, Raj, who is currently making a note in his head to run to the nearest dictionary and scour it for dirty meanings of the word "stifle," horndogs that he think Jennifer is "analytical" and "calculating," and, of course, she's hot. He considers this a dangerous combination. One could argue that his writing off of the ugly girls as less dangerous would, by definition, make them more dangerous, but I don't think Raj's opinions of women will be taking that particular detour through the ironies of modern gender politics.
Night becomes day. The phone rings, and it is answered, as always, by a guy -- in this case, Wes. I have to say, after shirtless Kevin, everything else is a real letdown. Rhona says that Trump will meet them in Central Park at 8:00 AM. Is that a set of directions? "Meet me at Central Park"? That's like, "Meet me for lunch. I'll be in Wyoming." But indeed, to Central Park we go. The candidates stroll up, many of them in their casual weekender outfits from the These Rumples Cost More Than A Tux Collection, unlike Trump, who is in a suit, as always. He says that the pet industry is another yooge part of the economy, and that people in New York just love their dogs. The task this week is to create "a dog service business." He tells them that as long as they work with dogs, they can do anything they want. At the end of the day, the team with the most profit wins. And George is away this week, so we have Trump's CFO, Allen -- who Trump promises that Allen is tougher than George. Tougher, perhaps, but not first in our hearts. Come home, Grandpa George! We love you, and Grandma Donald isn't married again yet. All we want is for you to stop fighting.
Anyway, Trump reminds Maria of the painful fact that she's not eligible to be booted this week. Well, painful for me, not her. She probably has the luxury of being legitimately glad she's staying, because she doesn't have to watch herself on TV. Oh, and whichever team loses has to go to the Boardroom, and somebody will be fired. Remember that? It's kind of the hook. As Trump leaves, Stacy voices over that she's "not really a huge dog person." (I actually think she is a huge dog person. Or a small pony. Oh, that's not what you meant? Okay, never mind.) She insists that she isn't refusing to do anything on the task; she's just saying it's not her favorite thing. I believe her, of course. Because it's not like she's a huge shirker to the point where it's become totally distracting.
This week's Trump motto: "Sell Your Ideas." (Unspoken additional phrase: "To Me, For A Pittance, So That I Can Market Them Under My Name And Rob Your Children Of Their Rightful Inheritance.") We watch him look at a building and complain about something that's not to his liking, and then he interviews that when you have what you think is a good idea, you have to just keep going. Never mind, you know, your bank, your investment advisors, the SEC...these people are small thinkers. "Some of the greatest ideas were ideas that nobody wanted," he says. That is so true. Like Microsoft. And David Ortiz. SHUT UP. Oh, come on. Like you knew he was going to be the ALCS MVP someday.
Anyway, now, we watch assorted Central Park dog footage as Apex gets underway. Jen starts to explain the task, and Chris reminds us who's on their team. Chris isn't insecure at all, but he does feel obligated to point out that the rest of the people have better educations than he does, but he makes more money. He's just saying. Jen tells the team that they're going to go to "a place that's bringing in a lot of foot traffic," and they're all going to work together. Because you know what's worth a lot more than two people washing your dog? Six people washing your dog. Seriously, can you even get twelve hands on the kinds of dogs people have now? The little yippy terriers and such? You get more than two people washing a dog like that and it's going to feel really violated. Anyway, Jen sends Raj and Chris and the Space Communicator to "scour the area for a pet supplier store." They make their way to a Petco, so I guess that's the corporate sponsor of the week. There, they buy dog shampoo, biscuits, brushes, and assorted other goodies. As Chris explains it, they then made their way back to Central Park and "started wawshin' dwoggs."
We do indeed see a little doggie getting a nice bath. Elsewhere, Elizabeth tells a guy that they're doing "doggie makeovers." Hmm. I'm not sure a bath will satisfy customers who are looking for a makeover for a dog. And furthermore, do you really want to meet anyone who would buy a makeover for a dog? It doesn't really matter, though, because when Raj adds that it's twenty bucks, the prospective customer bails. The attempts to stop people on the street and convince them to have their dogs washed just appear not to be working, so something is awry with either the price or the product or both. Elizabeth points out that after the supplies they bought, they haven't even broken even until they come up with at least a few dogs to wash. Raj interviews that some dogs don't want to be washed, some people don't have money with them...it's going somewhat roughly at this point. Raj refers to it as "a big cluster...screw-up situation." Heh.
Raj heads back to check in with Kevin, who reports that they've washed about ten dogs. Raj looks unhappy. He adds in an interview that Jen made an early decision to stick with simple dog-washing, and he was "deeply concerned" that they weren't getting enough customers. He goes to Jen and tells her that three of the team members could go and try to start up in another location, but she's concerned that if three of them go off and can't find a good place because there's not a water supply where they can do washing, those three could wind up being basically idled for a period of time. Jen wants Raj to just go back out and sell to people, and he insists that he's doing his best and it's not working. What's interesting about that conversation is that I'm not sure either of them is entirely right, but they have the discussion in a calm way, and he doesn't berate her, and she doesn't get unnecessarily bossy, and both of them understand that she's going to make the final call, and that he may not like it. Sure, he complains in his interview that he's frustrated not to have two locations going, but he doesn't really act like a dick to her, and you don't get the feeling that he's trying to be unprofessional. He doesn't agree with her at all, and he thinks they're screwed, he says so, but ultimately, he spoke his mind without being unnecessarily obnoxious, which isn't easy for a guy who wears a bow tie.
More dogs, and then we are with Mosaic, where the idea of giving a chunk of profits to charity has come up again, with the first idea being sending the money to a fire station. Because...dogs, get it? Kelly runs down the makeup of the team, and puts in that Stacy "can get a little annoying." Hmm, interesting. They do seem to be able to reach consensus after all. At least about some things. Wes adds that they, too, were trying to keep it simple, mostly just washing dogs and adding the charity element. Unfortunately, when they get to the fire station, there's nobody there, and the guy they get on the Space Communicator tells them that they'd have to call the press office for that. Wes perseveres, asking if they can just hand over cash at the end of the day, but nothing doing. Stacy bitches to the camera that they've just "wasted about two hours on the New York Fire Department." Yeah, those assholes. She says that this "was not [her] responsibility." That's true, you know. Her contract clearly states that she's in charge of haranguing, indignation, and blame-shifting. There's nothing on there about philanthropy. "Our failure is solely attributed to Wes," she adds. Well, maybe. But her incredibly weird-looking shoe choices along about here are solely (get it? "solely"?) attributed to her. And, I suppose, to her weird desire to look like an adult version of Minnie Mouse. Seriously, are those anklets and heels? Didn't that go out in, like, 1985? And even then, wasn't it mostly tenth-graders? And...mostly the trampy ones? ["And didn't they know how to walk in them? Way to draw attention to exactly the shortcoming (…heh) you're trying to hide, counselor." -- Sars]
Elsewhere, Andy is getting a cab with the supplies that he and Kelly and Maria have collected. Andy adds that after the fire department flop, he was put in charge of tracking down a charity, which he still thought was a great idea, because an animal lover will shell out money to help animals. Still in the cab, he gets a representative from Kitty Kind, an animal shelter for cats, on the phone, and she approves their idea to donate some of their proceeds. She does weakly protest that she represents a cat shelter, so washing dogs seems a little odd, but Andy blows it off, assuring her it'll be great, and she's certainly not going to turn down the money. Even if it is dirty, dirty dog money, stained with the blood of mailmen. Cats don't do that kind of thing, you know. They just reject the mailman emotionally until he leaves on his own. Cats are totally the guitar players of the animal kingdom. Anyway, after the group exits the cab, Andy shares with Kelly and Maria the good news that the charity is lined up, but then Kelly asks him where the phone is, and we get -- through a non-subtle set of visual clues -- the information that Andy has left the team's Space Communicator in the taxi. Which is, sadly enough, gone. All pockets are checked, but indeed, they find that there is no phone. Kelly interviews that Andy indeed lost the phone, and in the Army, he would kill you for that. Okay, maybe not. But he does use "impact" as a verb in explaining all the ways in which this development is bad for the team. Breaks up their communication, keeps them from working in two teams, stops him from calling for free porn in the middle of the day, blah dee blah.
Kevin and Jen are still washing a dog. They're not, however, getting a lot more new business, so when Raj raises again his idea about another location, Jen agrees, and they decide to take off and add another operation elsewhere. See, that's what you get when you're not a dick. You don't build up people's resistance to what you're trying to do, see? It's just a lot better. And when Raj brought it back, he again was not a dick and wasn't too know-it-ally, which I again appreciated. She interviews that Raj convinced her it was a good idea, so she went with it. Specifically, she sends Ivana and Chris out to do dog massages. Snerk. As we see them start up this brilliant new operation, Chris voices over that he's not thrilled about doing the doggie massage, and that in fact, if someone made him an offer to massage his dog, "the first thing [he] would think about is kicking this person in the head." Well, that's nice. It's like he's kind of the dog equivalent of a homophobe or something. Anyway, he offers a doggie massage to a woman who looks like she almost doesn't believe him -- he's offering to massage her dog, you understand, not her -- but when she figures out that he's serious, she takes them up on it. And what does doggie massage look like? Well, judging from what we see here, it means they scratch your dog, much as you would. Only you would scratch your own dog for free, and this costs you a dollar a minute. And you know...not to be critical of the service economy, but surely there are some things in the world a person can do for him or herself. When they start outsourcing nose-blowing, I will know that society is crumbling. Not happy to be making a dollar a minute for dog-scratching, however, Chris talks about the indignity of doing this with his Rolex on. Shut up, Chris. He even calls it "degrading." Dude, it's scratching a dog. People do it all the time, for heaven's sake, so there's really no need to be so precious about it. He mutters to Ivana as they walk away from their first customer that it's "so embarrassing." This from the man who tried to hand out free kisses, given by a person not himself, with dishes of ice cream?
Back with Mosaic, Wes sends Andy off to promote, and Kelly and Sandy to actually wash dogs. Stacy explains to us that they're calling this an "extreme doggie makeover," and you can see on their sign that this involves a bath and a before and after picture. Oh, please. That's a makeover? That's getting hosed off, man. That's not going to fool any self-respecting person. That's not going to fool any self-respecting dog. Kelly explains that the team didn't get underway until about 12:30 or 1:00, so he thinks they missed a good part of the morning business that they should have hit, when people were walking their dogs over lunch. We also learn from Andy that the idea of the before and after pictures was Andy's, as he reasoned that you can charge people $5.00 or $10.00 for a picture of their dog. Dude, have you ever heard of a digital camera? People don't need to pay for instant pictures of the dog. In fact, when you want to make sure your digital camera is working, you know what's usually the only remotely photogenic subject around? The dog. Nobody needs dog Polaroids.
And now, it is time for Stacy's brilliant idea. She comes up with taking pictures of dogs in theme costumes. So now we know that not only can she not read a room, she can't read a room full of dogs. Because the best thing dogs can say about the first person to suggest putting clothes on them is that they will try to eat you quickly, with as little suffering as possible. Furthermore, dog outfits are not one-size-fits-all, really. It's like starting a Glamour Shots franchise. You have to have the mink stole in several sizes. Well, that might be a poor example. Stacy insists to Wes that they could do, like, "Bad-Ass Dog" and "Girly Dog." Sheesh, she really isn't a dog person. You can't just do that. I mean, my parents' dog, in spite of weighing about 80 pounds, wouldn't be a Bad-Ass Dog if he were wearing a gun in a holster. And really, I wouldn't love the idea of making fun of him as a Girly Dog, because he has enough issues as it is. Where is the appeal of this? As she and Wes go to look at possible outfits, he tells her that they can't spend a lot of money on complicated outfits, and she says that maybe pet clothing is cheap. He promises her it isn't. That is so true. Anything that screams "I have nothing better to do with my money" to the extent that dog clothing does is not going to be priced for the bargain shopper. And this whole thing is stupid, because if she were serious and inventive, she'd come up with ways to costume dogs that don't involve buying ill-fitting doggie outfits. For instance, you can dress up a dog like a cowboy with a bandana and a hat, and either of those might be available without shopping for dog clothes. I refuse to come up with additional dress-up concepts, but you get the idea. Anyway, they find out to no one's surprise that dog outfits cost 30 bucks, so that idea sucks for exactly the reasons Wes said it would. Wes complains in an interview that Stacy's taste for arguing is "not conducive to being part of a good team." She keeps hammering and hammering this costume idea until he finally gets firmer and tells her that they're really not going to be able to do it. And think about it -- if you were for some reason, going to pay for pictures of your dog in some twee little getup, which I am definitely not condoning, you certainly would get a souvenir better than a damn Polaroid, of all things. If I put my dog in a genie outfit made of filmy lilac veils, I'm going to get a picture suitable for framing. He protects the house from burglars; I owe him that much. ["The specificity of that example suggests to me that you didn't just pull it out of thin air, if you know what I mean. I don't judge you. I'm just saying." -- Sars put a Santa hat on her cat once…ONCE]
We cut to a couple of teeny dogs wrestling, which would be a much funnier edit if Wes were short. And back at Apex, Jen and Kevin have decided to take on the very challenging world of clipping dogs' toenails. As Jen explains, they were just looking for something else they could do to earn money. But as she and Kevin find, clipping dogs' nails is actually quite an art, and you don't just jump into it. Kevin interviews that he was uneasy about this, because you can really hurt a dog if you don't know what you're doing. Which is true. Kevin comforts the dog they're trying to clip. He explains to us that he was on dog-holding duty while Jen did the actual clipping. In fact, he is quite proud of the "sleeper hold" he put on one particular dog. Heh. In the end, though, Kevin feels like the whole team contributed to the task.
Over at Mosaic, dogs are being washed. One manages to escape his bath and roll around in the dirt and the grass, and while they seem to see his bath as a failure, the dog actually looks rather blissful. I think it's a job well done. Carolyn is watching over them, and she tells us they're doing all right. Kelly and Sandy are washing the dogs, Maria is "looking provocative" (snerk) to get people's attention -- indeed, she is wearing shoes in Central Park that would make you roll your eyes even if you saw them at a club -- and Andy "is chasing people down like a lawyer in an ambulance." Uh, not quite, there, Carolyn -- the lawyer chases the ambulance; the lawyer doesn't drive the ambulance. We have many powers, but they don't let us have sirens. Carolyn goes on, "And Stacy is, um...I haven't figured out what Stacy's doing yet." Indeed, Stacy appears to be continuing to tear it up as the Executive Vice-President For Pretty Much Scratching Her Ass And Yawning. Kelly, on the other hand, entertains an old lady by wiggling her dog. Hey, I'm just the messenger.
Sandy, meanwhile, is actually working fairly hard washing the dogs, having a much dirtier day than she usually pulls at the bridal salon. She tells us that she was fairly pissed that the totally unoccupied Stacy didn't at least bring her a cold drink. Not only that, but apparently, when they were all done, Stacy complained that she was "filthy." Covered with detritus from the outsides of a few dozen people's dogs, Sandy was unamused by this, as you can imagine. Wes informs us that Mosaic's business was very up and down during the day -- good times and bad times, sometimes busy and sometimes not. As he counts the money, he tells us that he expects the score to be "pretty tight." "If we win, I'll be a hero," he says. "If we lose, I'll be a jackass." Yep, that's about right. Except really, you'll be a jackass either way.
Over at Apex, they're wrapping up, and judging by the music that's playing, they're feeling insecure, too. Chris, in fact, opines that if they win with their "measly" take, they'll be very lucky. As they all walk back, Jen thanks the new Apexiennes and Apexors for all their hard work, and Kevin explains that after they got back and cleaned up, the relatively happy team went out to dinner together. As they rehash their exciting day of dog massage, Jen explains that she's a dog person through and through, so she felt like it was a good idea for her to be the one to do the actual dog bathing. She adds that she was the only one willing to clip nails, so there was that, too. Unsurprisingly, Ivana lectureviews that if they lose, it will actually be Jen's fault, for failing to be a team leader rather than a team member. In other words, everyone knows a team leader isn't supposed to do any work. Duh, Jen!
The morning, the teams pile into the Boardroom. Carolyn and Allen are waiting. Trump enters and greets everyone and so forth. Asked how her team did, Jen says she thinks they did well. It wasn't easy leading people who were new to her, but she did her best. Wes is asked the same thing, and he says the team was hard-working and "did as well as they could have done." Carolyn gives the Mosaic results first, saying that they charged $15 for a bath, and made a profit of $122.12. Allen gives the results for Apex. He praises them for being "diversified" in both location and services. And their profit was $307.41, which George would tell you is more than six times the profit that Mosaic made. That means the winner is Apex, and the loser, for the moment, is Wes. Trump reminds Jennifer that she'll be exempt week, and then tells the team that this week's reward will be meeting Mayor Bloomberg at Gracie Mansion. Oh, and Mosaic has to come back and go to the Boardroom. Although Maria is exempt, dammit.
And now, the always boring reward segment, which, honestly, I can barely be bothered to recap at this point, and which I think they should drop from the show, because it is almost always completely uninteresting. But here we are, so...Raj talks about the history of the mansion, blah dee blah, Bloomberg doesn't actually live in it, blah blah, Ivana was excited to meet him, blee dee dee, they all sit around and ask Bloomberg for his advice, bling bling, he thinks government is as brutal as business, Raj thinks Bloomberg is interesting because he's a billionaire, Bloomberg doesn't think you should compromise on what you want, blah blah blah, Bloomberg throws them out of the house. Oh, and Raj tells us that knowledge is power, and power is getting back at Anna Kournikova for negging you at the tennis game. Or, you know, whatever.
We return to the suite, where out on the balcony, Stacy is insisting that she was right about the pictures, and even though Apex made money with the doggie rubdowns, she's still glad she didn't think of that stupid, undignified, totally moneymaking idea. Wes interviews that Stacy can't win in the end, partly because no one has any confidence in her, so she can't lead. Meanwhile, he tells Stacy that he won't shit-talk her in the Boardroom if she doesn't shit-talk him. "It's easy to point the finger at the project manager," he says. As, you know, she would know, since she always does it. At least the "pointing" part, if not the "project manager" part.
"Wes failed as a project manager," Stacy says knowingly in an interview. "He made some very wrong decisions [I don't know if that needs a sic, but it certainly needs a 'nice clunky-ass construction'] with regard to this particular task that cost us our victory. And he's going to be fired tonight." Wait, did you say we're having hummus as an appetizer, or hubris? Don't get me wrong -- they're both delicious.
That night, the elevator doors open, and Mosaic heads into the Boardroom. Trump joins them, along with Carolyn, and Allen. Trump reminds Maria -- who is wearing a pancake on her lapel or something -- that she is immune as a result of being last week's winning PM. Jesus, that flower on her shirt is like ten inches across. What is she thinking? Trump asks her what her exempt opinion is about what went wrong on the task. She blames Wes and the lack of "leadership." Trump asks Kelly how he felt about his leader. Kelly says Wes was "a little slow in some decision-making." Again, Kelly brings up the spike in activity around lunch, and the fact that they didn't get out there for it. Carolyn asks Kelly how many dogs he washed in his first two hours, and he says he thinks it was around eight. "It was four," Carolyn says, and then she hands off to Allen, who asks Sandy what her role was. For once, she has a real answer, since she washed the actual dogs. Trump returns to Kelly and his stretcher about washing eight dogs, and this is when he drags out the fact that he haaaates people who exaggerate, as we saw in the previews. Sandy says that they had some problems with low levels of foot traffic, and she also thinks they didn't charge enough. Wes now says that he wanted to try another location, but they couldn't. And why? Because, as you will recall, and as Wes wants to make sure he brings up, Andy lost the phone. Trump turns to Andy and rips into him a bit, calling him "a disaster," which seems excessive to me. Andy thinks it's excessive, too, saying that he contributed to the task, and was out hustling business for the team the whole time. Wes returns to the theme Trump didn't buy last week from John, claiming that Andy needs to be checked up on constantly. Andy brags about bringing in the charity all by himself, and Trump spits, "But that's a cat charity." He adds, "The last thing that dogs want to know is that they're helping cats." That comment is supposed to be funny, but it comes out so stupid that it's funny in a totally different way from the way Trump intended it.
Allen asks Wes if perhaps they should have tried offering some other services. Trump expresses some shock that there's such a thing as doggie massage, but Allen assures him that there is. Trump then turns to Stacy and asks her if she thinks she should take any responsibility at all for the loss. "No," she says flatly. Asked whom she would fire, Stacy chooses Andy, hoping that in return, Wes will not bring her to the final table. But she claims that her reason is that while Andy has "strong points," Wes has even more of them. Suck-up. Asked whom he would fire, Andy names Wes, presumably for poor leadership. Wes now chooses to bring Stacy and Andy to the final table, partly on the theory that Stacy and Kelly did all the work washing the actual dogs, and he can't bring Maria, so there you go. Sandy, Kelly, and Maria go up; Stacy, Andy, and Wes wait outside.
As the prospective bootees wait, Carolyn opines that Stacy did nothing, Andy is a spaz, and Wes is clueless. But she says it a little nicer. And yet meaner. I covet that skill. Anyway, Allen is very concerned about Andy losing the phone, drawing an analogy to an army guy losing a whole battalion because he lost his line of communication. Somehow, I suspect in a war situation, rather than a taxi situation, Andy might have done better holding onto the phone, you know? Allen also agrees, though, that Stacy doesn't do anything. I think that is the worst-kept secret in show business. "I don't know what she did besides debate everyone," he adds stiffly. Trump has Robin bring the folks back in.
Trump asks Wes why he brought Stacy, and he basically says -- sing it if you know the words, kids -- that she doesn't do anything, and she wasted their time with the dumb doggie-outfit idea. Wes explains that the outfits would not have worked, and says that she asks a lot of questions to which she should already have known the answers. When Stacy jumps in and insists that her idea was really good, Carolyn asks her whether she's a bad salesperson, and whether that's why Wes didn't take her idea to heart. "No! Wes vacillated," Stacy says. Carolyn points out that they're seven tasks in, and she's still trying to figure out what Stacy is "bringing to the table." Stacy's like, "Lots!" and Trump's like, "What?" And she sort of...doesn't know. She insists that she "promoted," but Carolyn points out that she actually saw that part going on, and she saw Stacy standing around by the table while Maria was handing out biscuits. Carolyn basically wants to know, if she has so many great ideas, why none of them ever happen. "That was Wes's decision," Stacy says, trying to deflect the whole thing over to someone else, as usual.
Andy is asked about Stacy and her ideas, and he says that some of her ideas seem good, but they don't come to fruition. "Isn't that Wes's fault?" Stacy asks in exactly the wrong sarcastic "gee, maybe it's just me" tone. Trump tells her that sometimes, you have to sell your ideas, rather than just waiting around for someone to take you seriously. Stacy tries to insist that she ran into problems on this particular task, but no amount of fondling her notes will help, as Carolyn plainly points out that it's been every task that Stacy, in fact, doesn't do anything. Allen repeats that she has to get in there and fight for her ideas.
Trump tells Wes that frankly, he thinks Wes sucked at leading. He also is very unhappy with Andy for losing the phone. However, what he really can't stand is how "Stacy keeps going on about responsibility, how it's never your fault." She starts to jump in about how she would be happy to be PM, but that's just not going to work. That was okay for Nick, but that was Episode 4. This is Episode 7, which makes a huge difference, because by now, Stacy is officially dodging the PM job, so this won't work at all, ever. Carolyn points out essentially this; Trump adds that Stacy could have stepped up to lead, and in fact could have done so even when she's not the PM. (See last year's examples of Boyfriend Bill and Amy for people who had a tendency to take big roles, even when not the official PM.) Trump tells her that all she ever does is blame the PM when she doesn't contribute anything. "I think he [Wes] did a lousy job, and I think he [Andy] made a terrible mistake. But Stacy, you're fired."
And angels come floating down from the...okay, not really.
"I'm sorry to hear that," she finally says unhappily. Wait, she needs a seminar on how not to take no for an answer. Oh, wait, she's teaching that seminar! And she'll show up and teach it to you. For a fee. Do you suppose that's ironic on purpose? Nah, probably not. She gets up with the two guys, and they proceed into the lobby. As she's leaving, Stacy shakes Andy's hand, but when Wes tries to give her a little hug, she makes a great show of refusing it, because that's what a good sport does. Remember "What's for dinner"? Couldn't you just diiiiiie? How embarrassing and humiliating and horrifying for her. I feel so bad for her that I'm almost not reduced to hysterical laughter. The guys head up, and Stacy? Yeah. That plan she thought was working really well for her? Not working. Back in the Boardroom, Trump repeats that he really hated the fact that Stacy "never took responsibility." Huh. Seems to me I've heard that before.
Stacy walks out to her taxi. Goodbye, Stacy. Nobody -- and I do mean nobody -- will miss you. Wes and Andy return to the suite.
In her taxi interview, Stacy indignantly says that Wes "tried to pin [the] loss on [her]." Worked pretty well, wouldn't you say? She claims to find this "amusing." Somehow, I am not totally convinced of her sincerity. She says that she "would not have done anything differently." So, you know, she wouldn't step up and take a leadership position if she had it to do all over again. Why do people always say that? Right after they lose, they say that they wouldn't do anything differently if they had it to do all over again. I mean, if you're lying, you're an idiot. If you're not lying, you're an even bigger idiot. Anyway, she claims to have learned a lot, not that this is not the exact opposite of saying that if you had it to do over again, you'd do it exactly the same way. Man, it has been a long time since I was so happy to see anybody booted off a reality show. HATE!
week: Will Andy rally? Will police take him seriously? Will Elizabeth drive her team crazy again? And...hey, why is Donald Trump so mean?