Previously on Yooge!: Troy returned from the Boardroom without Heidi, and there was much rejoicing. Especially by me. Troy and Kwame took Boyfriend Bill as the third member of their team, much to Bill's dismay. He didn't want to move to a new house! All his friends go to this school! The task sent the teams to Atlantic City to come up with a game to attract people to the Trump Taj Mahal. (A game besides "Pin The Bankruptcy Filing On The Trump Taj Mahal.") Troy unearthed a wheel that customers could spin to qualify for a drawing to win $1,000, and Protégé seemed off to a good start. VersaCorp, led by Amy, came up with the brilliant idea of raffling off $300 that could be used toward a car rental. Because nothing impresses chick like cruising around in a gorgeous car all, "Yeah, baby, it's a hot one. And it's all mine until 6:00 tomorrow night." Bill targeted the VIPs at the casino to bring in more money on a per-person basis, and as a result, Protégé won the task. (The big tigers didn't hurt, either.) PM Amy let Nick off the hook in the Boardroom and took Katrina to the final table, but not before dropping the news that she thinks the toughest remaining competitor is Bill, which made Nick's face go a little scrunchy. Katrina tried to make trouble with Trump over Nick and Amy's big flirt, but it wasn't enough. She and her princess complex were tossed out onto the sidewalk, where she immediately met up with Ereka and the two of them began a campaign to get their pictures into the New York Post as often as possible, preferably while pouting into the camera and holding twee little girl-drinks that destroy the bad-ass vibe that their jutted-out hips are intended to create. Only five people left. Who will be fired tonight?
Credits. How can you tell how much I dig this show? Oh, yes. I chair-dance during the credits. Oh, shut up, so do you.
There is no Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch this week, because Protégé has just returned from Atlantic City, where they partied all night, so they're snoozing. They'll just talk to the living weasel upon her return, they figure. Thus, a melancholy tinkling piano accompanies us on a tour of S4. The living area? Empty. The other living area? Also empty. The big curvy orange chairs I don't remember ever seeing before? Empty. The kitchen? Empty. Tinkle-tinkle-tink. Only Kwame is awake, and he's working on the computer for some reason. I like to think he's secretly plotting world domination using a complicated piece of software called Fly THIS Under Your Radar, Ass. Troy is sleeping with his hat over his face again, and Boyfriend Bill is buried under a tangle of blankets and a pillow, with just his bare foot hanging out. This is where my jeans and bare feet thing comes up again, dammit. Sigh.
This week, we see the first return from the Boardroom, as the dismissed Nick comes into the bedroom and lets his suitcase drop to the floor. Have you ever noticed that there are knickknack shelves on the wall of this bedroom that have no knickknacks on them? I'm sorry, you can have murals, expensive appliances, and a big-ass computer monitor, but it just isn't home without bric-a-brac. As he takes off his jacket, we see Nick interview that he doesn't expect Amy to be fired, because it's her first loss, and he thinks that if she holds it together, she should be fine. Before long, we see the glamorous high-heeled feet of Amy come in the door, and she calls out, "Nobody here to greet me? I can't believe this!" For she is Amy, and she has arrived, and all conversation and activity unrelated to her shall cease. I like how when she walks in, you can see halfway up her thighs and it still looks like she's naked except for her shoes. It's really goofy that Amy, who looked like the least sexed-up of the women during the early tasks, has by far the shortest skirts. Should I learn something from that? Nah, probably not.
Nick, noting Amy's return, smiles cryptically over his Sam Adams. As Boyfriend Bill and Troy stir in their beds, Kwame gives Amy a big hug and congratulates her. Amy interviews that Katrina "was ready to go home," so she actually felt fairly confident heading into the Boardroom that she wasn't going to be fired. I'm not sure if that means "ready" like a person who's lost her will to compete or "ready" like a Thanksgiving turkey, but there you go. Back in S4, Kwame asks for the rundown. Amy says there's not a lot to tell, and notes that everyone had been to the Boardroom at least once except for her. As she says this, there's a big shot of Bill yawning, which is punctuated with a big music cue like he's terribly bored. Which, in fairness, I'm sure he is, but he also just woke up, so as soporific as Amy is, that's probably not why he's yawning. (This time.) She goes on to talk about how Trump acknowledged the strength of her "track record." Bill interviews that Amy's ego is growing by the day, and to that I can only say, "Amen, brother." He says she has a bit of a "god complex." I think he means something more like "homecoming queen complex," but that might have come off as patronizing.
Amy now tells the guys the story of how she stabbed Nick in the front by naming Bill as her toughest competition in the Boardroom. Bill acts noncommittally grateful, chuckling over Trump's comment that they could just hand over the competition to Bill if she thought he was so great. Nick, on the other hand, stares coldly at Amy with seething, jealous resentment, or so the assembly of the scene would have you believe. He might just be thinking about how much he hates it when other people eat all the candy. Amy interviews that Nick might have been put off that she named Bill as the stronger player of the two of them, but she reiterates that if she could choose only one person to work with, she'd choose Bill. "If Nick can't sense that," she says, "then he's not as sharp as I think he is." Uh...yeah. Good one. Anyway, Amy goes on to talk disbelievingly in the kitchen about how in the Boardroom, you get grilled about every little thing. Troy and Kwame are like, "Yeah, we've only done it eight times, bitch, so we're happy to hear about any wisdom you might be able to impart." But what Kwame actually says, which I was surprised they showed, was a chipper little, "Well, there you go. Popped your Boardroom cherry, isn't that great?" HA! If you didn't get the edge on that comment of the "cry me a river, Miss Whiny-Pants" variety, then you're not as sharp as I think you are.
As Nick picks up around the bedroom, he voices over, "She didn't have to say that in the Boardroom," presumably referring to the calling out of Bill and semi-dissing of Nick. He says he's not sure what the "angle" of doing that was, whether she was doing a "watch out, Nick," or if she actually thinks Bill is a stronger player than he is. I think this possibility goes down hard with Nick, to say the least. He and Amy say good night, and she says something semi-encouraging about how they're going to do great on the task, and they shake hands limply and go off to their bedrooms. I'll tell you, for a pretty girl, she has a lot of hideous clothing and very bad posture. Furthermore, they have less chemistry than anyone, ever. I have more chemistry with Nick from here, not even liking Nick, than Amy does inside that apartment while she's lolling about trying to convince everyone (including him) that he's in love with her.
The moon falls toward the horizon, and then it's the morning. Plants are being carried, sidewalks are being washed clean of accumulated dog poo...just another morning in Manhattan. In S4, Amy answers the ringing silver phone. Kwame explains, as he and Troy get ready at the two facing sinks, that they had to get ready to meet Trump in the penthouse at Trump World Tower. As Troy and Kwame hang out pre-task, Troy asks Kwame if he's going in the clothes he's wearing. "I look good!" Kwame says in mock-protest. Hee. This leads into the Troy/Kwame friendship sequence, in which they engage in affectionate horseplay -- or a mesmerizing homoerotic dance of love, depending on your perspective. Troy talks about what good buddies they are, and praises Kwame highly for his education and people skills. He adds, "I'm proud to say that my toughest competition is also one of my closest friends." The two of them wrestle around the apartment as Kwame says, "Troy and I do have a relationship." Bets are paid off around the country. He says that their friendship does give them a slight advantage in "looking out for each other," as we see the two of them rattling around the apartment talking about what they're going to wear. Kwame approves Troy's tie and irons his own shirt. Bill interviews that Troy and Kwame indeed "have forged quite a friendship," so it's pretty clear that he's the odd man out to at least some degree. "I'd be a fool not to take that into consideration," he says. Everyone leaves for the task.
As they wait on the 90th floor (not remotely down in the depths), the music suddenly trumpets, and then the elevator doors open and Trump, Carolyn, and Bernie step off. "You're not going to believe what you're going to see," Trump tells the candidates as he leads them down the hallway to the penthouse door. He says they are about to see "luxury living in Manhattan." He opens the door and leads them inside. What the penthouse is, in fact, is a giant empty space, which has some nice features and nice wood floors, but is all about its glorious windows. It has enormous, many-feet-high windows in several directions, gazing out over Manhattan. (It breaks my heart, incidentally, that the first thing I thought, after "My God, what a gorgeous view," was how terrified I would feel all the time up at the top of that building.) The candidates gaze, awestruck, out the windows.
And now, the task portion of our program. Trump explains that Bernie, the Primary NotGeorge, is again covering for George, who is again away on business. Sigh. George doesn't really love us; he only cares about his job. Stupid job. Bernie and Carolyn will, as usual, be monitoring the teams during the task. And what is the task? Well, their assignment is to rent out the penthouse for an evening for a special event of some kind. The minimum price is $20,000. Trump claims that it's now 9:00 AM, and the task will end at 7:00 PM, so they only have the day to get the place rented. The team that gets the highest price for the space will win the task. Losers? Go to the Boardroom. The winners, on the other hand, will go on the Trump jet to Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach for lunch. Trump turns all smirky-smirk to Nick and Amy, pointing out that this would be a nice lunch for the two of them -- "very romantic." Nick plays it off, but Trump isn't done. He asks Nick if there's a relationship there, explaining that it came up in the Boardroom last night. Nick, laughing, says, "We have a good business relationship, and sometimes we engage in meaningful conversation." Okay, I thought that was a little bit funny, even though I don't much care for him or for Amy. But anyway. Trump compliments Nick on his effectively evasive answer, and then we move on. Incidentally, Trump is wearing a copper-colored shiny tie in this sequence that's very un-Trump, to me. Although I wouldn't have known he wore as much pink as he does prior to the show, either.
Troy interviews that he's the PM on this task. He says that he knows that his paper résumé isn't as impressive as some of the other guys, and he doesn't have as much formal education. He's looking to make an impression, therefore, outside of the way things look on paper. The Protégé boys sit in the corner of the penthouse, and Troy says that he wants to think about what other amenities they can offer, besides the space itself. He interviews that he really doesn't want to get this far into the competition and then fall short. "That'd crush me," he says. Oh, don't say that, Troy. You should never let yourself be crushed by Donald Trump. It's just wrong. ["Just ask Ivana. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!" -- Sars]
Downstairs in the lobby of the Trump World Tower, both teams hit their Space Communicators and start making calls, primarily to event planners. Troy calls someone. Nick calls someone. Troy explains that they've set up several meetings during the day to try to seal the deal. Bill tells someone on the phone that the penthouse is 5500 square feet, which makes me laugh, because my old apartment would have fit into that penthouse ten times. That explains why I used to have such a hard time getting $20,000 when I tried to rent it out for parties. Bill tries to describe the Trumpenthouse views on the phone, which is a nice try, but...no, you've got to get the people up there. Because you can't really explain those windows; they must be experienced. As Protégé heads for a meeting with the person who normally leases the space, Kwame tells the other guys that he thinks they need to find out what the normal lease price is, what kind of pitch she uses to sell it, and so forth. In the office of Elaine, the director of sales, she explains that it rents in approximately the $40,000 range. Boyfriend Bill interviews that it's a lot of money and a big commitment, and it's not easy to convince somebody to sign on for that kind of money in a short time. He thinks the key will be "finding the right person at the right time." Oh, isn't everything. Furthermore, I'm fascinated by the tube Boyfriend Bill is toting around, which looks just like the one that the Brady Bunch ran all over King's Island looking for back in the day. I'm not sure what he has in it, but it would be really funny if it were a poster of Yogi Bear.
Nick and Amy are first to actually show a woman into the penthouse. "Oh, my God," she says. We watch them show it to a few different folks, as Amy interviews (in a long sweater I hate that makes her look dumpy) that she thinks the best way to sell the penthouse is "to open the door and let the client create the vision." Bleh. I hate people who say thinks like "create the vision," because...honestly. You have one day. It's not a vision-creating situation. Nick, on the other hand, wants to help people think about how they might use the space, and seems to be more of a "help them visualize" guy. So as he takes people through the penthouse, he has more of a tendency to gesture and suggest things like putting the music over there, the bar over here, and so forth. Amy admires the party planners so much that she thinks that Nick is "hinder[ing] their imagination." Of course, they're professionals, and if they have that much vision, they're going to ignore anything they don't like. And also? Party planners. I mean, yes, they're talented and creative. But Nick isn't impeding the sculpting of Venus de Milo, if you see what I'm saying.
This is as good a time as any to point out that for some reason, they decided to create the illusion that this was all done in one day, but either the weekly dossier or your common sense will tell you it wasn't. It was done over two days, which is made most obvious by the fact that Amy is wearing two completely different outfits. It's really not a very convincing illusion.
Anyway, having shown the Trumpenthouse to some people and not done all that well, Amy and Nick sit downstairs, where she is in a full pout. Finally, because he fails to ask her what crawled up her butt, she "gently" asks him whether he thinks it's a good idea for them to point out things about where the band or the food or the couches would go. "Sometimes I think we should just shut up and listen," she says, putting just enough punch and just enough smirk on "shut up" that he can't miss how much of a shot she just took at him. And, of course, by "we," she means "you." Amy herself never needs to shut up, as far as she is concerned, which is just another reason Amy and I are very different. "Trust me, that's the way you operate," he says. "Why?" she says. "Because you just feel 'em, you know, what people are thinking." She rolls her eyes without actually rolling them, and then she sniffs out a little, "If you say so." I think what he was trying to say was that in sales, you try to anticipate where people are going and what they want and then you try to lead them. At least I think that's what he meant. It's hard to tell sometimes with Nick, because his smarm gets in the way. They continue pouting in the lobby.
The title card after the commercials says "Passion." Trump is seen addressing some group of people, and he tells us that it's impossible to be successful at anything you don't have passion for. If you're doing something you don't have passion for? Quit it! Quit it, you people doing boring jobs! Just quit it! You could all be moguls! What are ya, chicken?
With six hours and 35 minutes left in the task, Protégé heads to a café for a team meeting. Troy tells the guys that he really isn't looking to deliver a romantic getaway to Nick and Amy. They talk about coming up with a sales strategy, and Troy introduces the idea of having a salesperson and then a "closer." Bill interviews that he wasn't familiar with this kind of two-stage negotiation, and he wasn't sure how it would work. We then see Bill acting as the sales guy, explaining to someone about the very high ceilings and the beautiful views. It has five and a half bathrooms, among other things. ["[Sob.]" -- the entire New York City viewership, past and present] He chuckles in the interview that it was like being the guy on the front end of selling a car. Bill offers them some information about getting a fireworks show put on, and that does seem like it would be very cool with that view. Bill voices over that he was the one who gave the full sales routine to the clients. Then, when they were excited about the property, they'd be "handed off" to Troy for the deal-making. See, I would find that really off-putting. If I were in a sales situation and I developed a good reputation with a likable and seemingly trustworthy guy like Boyfriend Bill, and then they sent me off to a room with Troy, that would irritate me. I would want to finish with the guy I started with. Bill does seem to admire Troy's tenacity with the potential buyers. "He was not going to let them leave until they signed that paper," he smiles.
In the meeting, Troy tells the first prospects that he's shooting for something "in the $30,000 range." Criminy, Troy, the lady told you it already was renting for $40,000! Start at least there, sweetheart. "Oy vey," says the lady. Troy laughs and says that is his "favorite word now." And then he goes on, just exactly one step too far: "That and 'shalom.'" Oh, Troy. Just...no. The lady lifts her cup of coffee or whatever and, being a good sport, tries to get Troy to say "L'chaim," but it's not working too well. Bill looks really distraught, but I'm not sure that's in context. He laughs in another interview, saying that he isn't sure sometimes how Troy says things "with a straight face." Yeah, I kind of agree. "It's just, it's a hundred miles an hour," he says. In the meeting, Troy tells the potential clients that he already has two firm offers on the place. Bill now interviews very quietly, standing with Kwame and being very quiet as if the clients are nearby, that sometimes, Troy seems to "talk himself out of the game." He goes on to say, "We're gently walking on that territory right now, because...he's lying." Note that Bill doesn't say Troy is a horrible person for lying; he mostly seems to be saying that Troy is overselling, and possibly setting up a bad situation. Because I understand that exaggerating the interest other people have in whatever you're selling is standard, and certainly playing up whatever competition there is can only work to your advantage. But I'll tell you this: if I caught somebody who was trying to sell me something as expensive as this doing something as blatant as this -- inventing "firm offers" when there is absolutely nothing of the kind -- I would never work with or buy from that person again. After all, if I can't believe a word you say, how can I negotiate with you?
Nick and Amy show the place to a guy as Amy interviews that they decided that it's such a high price anyway that bargain-hunters aren't exactly the target demographic. So they decided to set a "high target," and they open by telling this guy that they've "entertained offers upwards of $40,000." I have no idea whether there's any truth to that -- probably not -- but again, she's phrasing it a little more softly than Troy is doing with the other lady. The guy seems mildly amused. "I think if you get $40,000 for this space...job well done. I don't think it's worth 40." He leaves. In an interview at S4, Amy says that although it's a great space, nobody pays anything like $40,000 these days, and she wasn't hearing anything more than about $10,000. "They were laughing at us," she says. At this point in the story, however, a guy named Ian comes to look at the penthouse with Nick and Amy. He loves it, adores it, has to have it -- but he wants it for a New Year's Eve party, and since the lease restrictions require the person to be out by midnight, that's not going to work. I found that a funny idea, though. "Five...four...three...two...one...Happy New Year! 'Should auuuulld acquaintance --'" "Okay, everybody out, right now." Amy talks about being bummed about this "deal that was lost."
Meanwhile, in the Trump office, Troy tells Team Oy Vey that he's looking for $32,000. They cough up an offer of $32,500, although they don't sound too excited about it. At the same time, however, Bill is showing the place to a couple of people upstairs, and they seem pretty into the place as well. As Troy is talking Team Oy Vey into a deal, Bill is approaching with Team Not So Fast. Kwame comes to the door and asks Troy into the hallway, where he explains this turn of events. Troy says that he'll go talk to Team Not So Fast, but somebody has to sit with Team Oy Vey. So poor Kwame is sent in to the be third person, of all things, to work on these poor people. Mr. Oy Vey immediately asks if this is "good cop, bad cop," which is exactly what I wondered, but Kwame insists that it's just "long, long day cop." Uh, good try, but I'm pretty sure that Team Oy Vey knows that there's no such thing as Long Day Cop, and if there were, it wouldn't be played by Troy when he could play Crushingly Manipulative Cop instead. Team Oy Vey looks very skeptical. Kwame interviews that the situation became kind of tricky at this point, what with the two simultaneous negotiations.
Bill brings Troy into the negotiation with Team Not So Fast. Bill refers to Troy as the guy who comes at the end of the deal and "sells 'em the undercoating." Hee. Troy explains to Team Not So Fast that indeed, there's another group bidding, and they can only emerge with one offer. Team Not So Fast offers $35,000 to sign the lease right now and end the whole thing. "Actually," Troy says, probably a little too smirky, "$38,500 makes it yours." The guy hesitates, shaking his head a little. Boyfriend Bill says in an interview that he felt like Troy's technique of "steamrolling" the clients created "false urgency." I'm not sure false urgency is always a bad thing -- it's certainly a common sales technique -- but here, it indeed seems to be operating only to irk Mr. Not So Fast, who abruptly pulls himself out of the deal. "I think I'm being hustled, to be honest with you," he says to Troy. "You know, with the old 'there's another person interested' trick. I'm gonna have to pass." And he puts down the contract.
I think Troy's problem in selling is that he has a very particular thing that he's good at, and that's being so charming that you sort of hate yourself for giving in to it, but you do anyway, because he's so endearing in how hard he's trying to sell. It works great for things like the charity auction where you're asking for a favor that makes everyone feel good, because sure, the Queer Eye guys probably knew Troy was doing a little bit of a song and dance with them, but they didn't mind, because it was fun. Likewise, if I were buying a glass of lemonade or something of that nature, I don't even mind being hustled. Many a flirtatious waiter has earned a good tip from me just for effort. The problem is that Troy doesn't seem to get that this doesn't quite work on everybody. Guys like Mr. Not So Fast, who pride themselves on never letting anyone get anything over on them, hate that kind of thing. It's just like Katrina. Mr. Not So Fast believes that he has never been duped, and he's not the type to submit to a friendly duping on the theory that everybody wins. Troy has a potent weapon in his particular technique, but it's the only one he has, and he seems to apply it in exactly the same way every time.
Anyway, Boyfriend Bill interviews that this guy getting up and walking out "could have been a fatal blow," so they went back to concentrate on Team Oy Vey. Kwame quickly negotiates a relieved Team Oy Vey to a deal for $35,001 -- as Kwame explains, he figures that if the other team gets $35,000, then they'll have that dollar to beat them with. I think that Protégé's feeling was that nobody was likely to get more than $35,000, so with $35,000, they were mostly safe. "Price Is Right-style," Kwame explains in an interview about the one dollar. Nice.
Their deal done, Protégé leaves the building. It's dark outside. Bill interviews from S4 that as of Protégé's departure, he thinks Nick and Amy were looking pretty "panicked" in the lobby, so he's optimistic. "I think it's time to gas up the jet," he says with a smile. Oh, Boyfriend Bill. Never poke the fates in the eyeball. Er, eyeballs.
Back in the lobby, Nick and Amy are sitting, looking quite miserable indeed. This is Amy's first-day outfit, though, so I'm quite confident that this entire sequence is completely displaced, temporally speaking. Amy interviews that they talked to a ton of event planners, but they had a very hard time finding any that could get there in time to do the deal by this silly deadline. With nothing else to do, Amy starts asking Nick what's up with redheads always dating redheads. Nick insists that he's never dated a girl with red hair. As they sit there a couple of minutes before the deadline, Ian the New Year's Guy returns. He does want to make a deal for the penthouse. He's over the lease issue, or the lease issue is worked out, or something. Nick walks over and says something to Ian, and before you know it, they're signing the lease. Nick interviews that this was "an act of God," but that he also likes to think that it happened because he's such a good salesman. Meh. But all of a sudden, Amy's all happy with him again, so…whatever. And now...Amy is wearing a completely different outfit. Come on, now. I mean, I'm not measuring the length of shadows or anything, but I do notice when a woman completely changes her appearance right in the middle of what you're trying to convince me is a scene. Just saying.
Time to visit the Boardroom and get the results. This actually appears to take place on the same night the task ended, because Amy is still in that fugly sweater wrap. When they're all seated, Trump strolls in. He asks them how it was, and Troy says he thinks his team "did really fantastic." And how about Nick? He, too, thinks his team "did real well." Trump asks Nick whether he and Amy might someday live in a place like that "as husband and wife." Oh, come on, Trump. That's low, even for you. Amy, however, takes the focus off the tacky comment with her even tackier answer: "I told him he better start sellin' lots of copiers." Ew. What a brat. They compliment the Trumpenthouse, of course, because they think they have to. "Oh, you're just saying that," Trump says dismissively. Oh, how I do sometimes love Donald.
Now, it's time for the results. Bernie announces that Protégé completed a lease in the amount of $35,001. Troy smiles. Carolyn announces, however, that VersaCorp's lease agreement is for $40,000. "Good job, guys," Bill says to Nick and Amy. Nick corrects Carolyn that the lease is actually for $40,800. She graciously agrees and corrects herself. Heh. Trump asks Troy if he's disappointed. He says he is. Asked whether he's surprised, Bill "Gas Up The Jet" Rancic insists that he would never underestimate Nick and Amy, and knew they were "tough competitors." Trump announces that as the winners, Nick and Amy will be taking a trip on the Trump jet for lunch tomorrow at Mar-a-Lago. Interestingly, with regard to Nick and Amy, he also makes the comment, "If this match doesn't work out, I'd be amazed," which I'm not sure is a compliment to either one of them. Protégé, meanwhile, will have to come to the Boardroom. We go to commercials over shots of Troy, Kwame, and Bill, and I suddenly realize that this is the first Boardroom where I've liked everybody, and where I didn't want to see anybody get fired.
That night, after the results are announced, everyone relaxes in S4. Boyfriend Bill interviews that he's feeling like a bit of an idiot about the "gas up the jet" comment, and would like to retract that. Heh. He and Troy talk about what a tough loss it was, and Troy interviews that he honestly doesn't know what they could have done better. He and Kwame chat while Troy polishes his shoes and Kwame reads a magazine. Troy mutters about how all isn't yet lost, and Kwame just calmly reassures him that he's not giving up at all, it's just the way things go sometimes.
Bill and Nick chat in the living room about when the plane leaves. Bill gripes about how Nick is going to be on this "luxury custom jet." "There's a bedroom in there, dude," he says. Nick laughs. "You better put that to use," Bill says, in what I interpret as a faux-serious voice. Nick laughs out loud. "You think so?" he asks. "You got this beautiful girl all over you, and you're not doing anything?" Then there's a cut, and Bill is saying, "They're gonna think you're a little sweet, you know, not that there's anything wrong with that." Nick laughs.
Now we visit Amy, and The Saxophone Of Long Legs plays as she sits with one foot up on the desk, the better to allow everyone to look directly up her skirt. Ew. Bill sits on the corner of the table. "You guys are gonna make a little magic on that airplane tomorrow, from what Nick tells me," Bill says to her in a husky voice. She cracks up. "What'd you say?" "I said, Nick says you guys are gonna make a little magic on that airplane tomorrow," and he tries to deliver it all in the husky voice, but he cracks up around "airplane." He laughs, she laughs. "Well, you know," Bill says in a matter-of-fact voice, "he was concerned that people were going to start thinking he was gay, so he said tomorrow, he's going to change the perception." "Oh, good," Amy says. "Well, maybe there'll be an attractive flight attendant on our plane."
Okay, the "sweet" thing is completely twee and dorky. Shut up, Boyfriend Bill, and graduate from tenth grade, because you're not funny. BUT. There were people this week who thought he didn't even mean it to be funny -- that Bill (1) actually intended for Nick to feel pressured to literally sleep with Amy on the plane, lest people conclude that he's gay; and/or (2) actually intended for Amy to believe that Nick had told Bill he intended to sleep with Amy on the plane and thus be angry at Nick or humiliated; and/or (3) actually intended to undermine whatever this budding romantic situation is. I don't think there's any way that any of those things are true. Going back to "Amy Warnock" and the discussion about pumping up Nick's confidence so he would go after Amy, Bill has been friends with these people, and he's been giving them shit about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, which, yes, is again twee and dorky, but totally different from what you'd be looking at had he actually meant for Amy to believe that Nick expected her to have sex with him on the plane, which I agree would be vile. I mean, seriously. There's a camera right there. There's an enormous likelihood that Amy is going to tell Nick about that conversation, because these people spend 24 hours a day together and they gossip like old ladies. Bill couldn't even say it to Amy without laughing. He's clearly not serious, and he doesn't intend for Amy to take him seriously. At worst, I think he completely intended for Nick and Amy to compare notes and figure out what he did. Miss Alli's Mom referred to it as "being a devil," which I think is about right. As I said, I'm not defending the "heh heh, people will think you're gay," which is mostly just dumb, but I absolutely don't read any malicious intent toward Nick or Amy in it. It's exactly what I've noted about him before -- he's kind of a dork, actually, and he's pretty uptight, and he's not as socially smooth as he feels like he should be, is my guess. I think it was a stupid attempt at comedy, but I don't see anything it other than an attempt to give his friends a hard time.
The day. Nick and Amy go from a limo into the Trump jet. Trump interviews, from his apartment, that Nick and Amy will be having a great time, especially if they're "really in love." I don't think anybody has suggested "love," but...whatever. "But they'd better not use my bedroom," he adds. Heh. See? Mile-high club jokes. Everybody's doin' it. On the plane, Nick and Amy are stunned by the beautiful interiors. The paneling, the fabric on the seats...it's all quite stunning. I actually agree, and it's not nearly as tacky as, say, the Trumpartment. In fact, I'd much rather live on the plane. The pilot introduces himself to Nick and Amy and tells them that they'll be taking off soon, but that Trump has arranged for some special guests to share the plane. Amy interviews that their first thought was that maybe Trump or "some of his famous friends" would come along. Feh.
A young woman with dark hair and an older gentleman ascend the stairs onto the plane. When Amy sees them enter the cabin, she stands up and starts screaming. Oh, good grief. I understand excited, but that kind of screaming is for seven-year-olds. Stupid seven-year-olds. The smart ones are way too sophisticated for it. As it turns out, this woman jumping up and down with Amy is Amy's sister. And just behind her is Nick's dad. Ah, the family reward. Nick shakes Amy's sister's hand, and Amy hugs Nick's dad. As they settle in, Nick laughs while trying to explain to his dad that they're flying down to Florida for lunch. It does sound a bit goofy when you hear yourself say it, I suppose. The jet takes off.
During the flight, Nick's dad asks whether Nick and Amy are "sweethearts," and comments that Amy "can't take her eyes off of [Nick]." Amy says that Nick's dad is proud of him, but also likes to give him a hard time. Oh, good. We do that in my family, too. On the plane, Nick's dad asks whether this relationship is going to be serious. "That's what I just told him," Amy bubbles, "I said I get to meet my father-in-law early." Uch, that's what I just hate. From everything I've seen, it is Amy who constantly brings up this romantic connection idea, and that's fine, and more power to her, but it's extremely irritating for her to then talk about it as if Nick is in pursuit of her and she's just weighing her options. If she really thinks he digs her and she's not interested, then she should shut up. If she's interested, she should grow a pair and quit fluttering her eyelashes. Either way, she should shut up.
In an interview, Nick's dad tells us that Amy is "very charming," and that her sister is, too. Oh, and this is where we learn that Nick's dad's name is Moose. Yep. Moose Warnock, of Bayonne, New Jersey. God bless America. Anyway, Moose says that Nick doesn't actually have the greatest history with women. Amy's sister comments on the flight that Nick and Amy "look cute together." Amy laughs, and then her sister asks Nick if he's single. He hesitates far too much for the answer to be an unqualified "yes." "He's been through a number of women," Moose says simply. "No, no, I'm one hundred percent single," Nick insists. Amy's face looks like she just watched her pet bird get eaten by a tiger. Nothing takes the wind out of a girl's sails like finding out that the guy she's cast in a play entitled The Boy Who Really, Really, Really Likes Me has six girlfriends waiting at home in case it doesn't work out. To Nick's claim of singlehood, Moose says, "What about the one out on the west coast?" Nick acts like he has no idea what Moose is talking about, which he obviously does. Amy looks miserable some more. I feel really bad for her, ha ha ha ha. ["Dear Moose: I love you. Call me." -- Sars]
The jet lands. Amy talks about how they got "yet another limousine" to take them to Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago is basically a very pretty place that looks exactly like Florida concentrate. They meet the managing director of the estate, who has an accent I find very amusing, even though I realize finding anyone's accent amusing is probably wrong. "On behalf of Mist-a Doe-nald Trrrrump, I velcome you to Mar-a-Lago," he says. The "historian" of the club comes to give them the grand tour, and Amy voices over how exciting it was to see all the fancy stuff and the antiques and the blah blah blah rich people stuff. Amy quotes a lot of prices, because like most of these people, she knows the price of everything and the value of nothing, as they say. "It's not like home," she says. "There's no La-Z-Boy." And then, right on cue, they cut to a hilarious painting of Trump. No, really. I will never do justice to this painting. It looks like Trump mated with Fabio and John F. Kennedy and the state of Hawaii all in one riotous weekend, and this was the offspring of the encounter. Basically, it presents Trump in front of a fiery sunset, wearing a white sweater, looking thinner, tanner, and younger than he has ever looked. There are even Clouds of Portent behind him, because you never know when something significant might happen just when you're enjoying a day out in your tennis whites.
They are walked out onto a patio area for lunch. Mimosas ensue. Amy voices over that the treat was not only being able to see their families, but being able to show their families the wretched excess to which they are rapidly becoming accustomed. Well, that's nice. Tropical music swells as we zoom away from the beauty of Mar-a-Lago.
The Protégé boys are hanging out in S4 as the time nears to go to the Boardroom. Kwame is eating some Alpha-Bits. Hee hee. If they really have had Alpha-Bits in S4 the whole time and they never showed anyone eating them before, I'm seriously feeling betrayed, because there would have been a great "eating your words" joke in there somewhere, and Kwame is really too nice a guy to be suited to it. Troy is eating some other kind of cereal -- probably something less whimsical. Kwame tells Troy that he's been telling himself not to feel "disgruntled" today. Boyfriend Bill voices over that Boardroom day is very funereal in tone. "I didn't sleep a wink last night," he interviews.
To distract themselves, Kwame and Bill head out for haircuts. Bill, in case you haven't noticed, has sort of complicated hair, in that it tends to go all Flock of Seagulls on him if he doesn't handle it just right. And it probably has gotten substantially too long. He voices over that during this particular cut, "the scissors never stopped moving. And then he put a quart of styling gel in my hair and just flattened my hair down." In the chair at the salon, we see Bill take a little of the flatness out of his hair. The guy goes for a little more gel. "No, no, that's plenty of gel. Plenty." The guy adds more up front anyway. Bill interviews that because he was done first, he opened the paper to read the horoscopes. Bill's own horoscope says something about being happy with what you've accomplished over the last few weeks. Kwame says that he believes in astrology to some degree, because horoscopes are "pretty accurate." Ah, well, every smart guy has a blind spot. Kwame asks Bill for his (Kwame's) horoscope. "Aries," Boyfriend Bill announces. "'Someone you love and respect will let you down over the 24 hours, but don't let it affect your relationship.'" "Oh, my Gooood," Kwame moans. "That's not good." Heh.
Protégé goes out for dinner together before they head to the Boardroom. As Boyfriend Bill drinks a Corona (yay!), Troy says that even Trump agreed that they did a good job -- they just came up a little short. Bill interviews that because they knew that one of them was going to be fired, they went out and "ordered like kings." Hee. Back at dinner, Troy says how funny it is that they might be sitting at a table with the winner. "One of us at this table is going to be the apprentice," Kwame opines firmly. "You think one of these three?" Troy asks. "Yup," Kwame says. Troy points out that first, one of them is getting dumped. Kwame interviews that Troy has a tough call to make. Part of him thinks that Troy will spare him because of their friendship, and part of him thinks that Troy won't want to go up against Boyfriend Bill. At dinner, the guys toast. There's respect there, I think, even though Bill started out so suspicious of them.
The three of them enter the Boardroom, but not before we see them all politely greet Robin. Interesting -- these are all unusually polite guys, and I doubt that the women who have spent so much time in and out of the Boardroom in recent weeks have been that nice to her. The guys stop outside the Boardroom doors and exchange hugs. Bill? Not a hugger. Just saying. Which is too bad for me.
They all get seated, again politely greeting Carolyn and Bernie as they enter. Trump finally makes his appearance. He asks the guys what happened. Troy doesn't really have an explanation -- he thinks they had a great idea, executed well, and just plain got beat. Bill says that Team Oy Vey will be disappointed not to get the deal, but Trump says that actually, he's going to take both offers on different nights, so Team Oy Vey will be taken care of. Carolyn asks a good question by inquiring as to what their original minimum price was. Kwame says that they initially quoted between $35,000 and $40,000. Trump makes the point that this means that even had they gotten the most they ever asked anyone for, they still would have lost. "So you really started off too low," he says. They all nod. Trump asks Kwame who, of these two guys, he'd rather have on his side, and Kwame -- unsurprisingly -- says he'd rather have Troy with him "in the trenches." "Is Troy a better man than Bill?" Trump asks. "That's -- that's tough to call," Kwame says, not getting near that one. Nor should he. Bill points out that Troy is also the one who's bringing somebody to the final table. Bernie asks Boyfriend Bill if he would hire Troy to work for him, and Bill gives an answer that's basically the same one I would give, which is, "Depends on what he'd be doing." Bernie says what about as a chief financial officer? Bill says, "Probably not." And rightly so, because that's not Troy's skill set. "As a CEO?" Bernie asks, and Bill says he'd have to get to know Troy to hire him as a CEO.
Trump thinks he sees Kwame shaking his head. "Would you not hire Troy?" Kwame answers, "I wouldn't hire Troy as a CFO, but I would hire Troy in a very sales-driven, motivation role." "But not as a CFO?" Trump asks. "Not as a CFO, no," Kwame says. "What about as a chief executive officer?" Trump asks. "Of the appropriate company, yes," Kwame says, "but not in all instances." I have to say, I fell down with admiration of the way he handled that question, because I thought he was tactful, fair, kind, and totally honest, all at once, and that's not easy to do, especially with a friend. I thought that one moment showed a lot of qualities in Kwame that I really admire not only in co-workers but in bosses -- willingness to separate business and personal relationships and trust other people to do the same, for one, and ability to deliver bad news in a way that doesn't feel petty, for another. Just that one exchange really boosted Kwame in my esteem, I think.
Trump asks Bill who he would fire, of the other two. Bill thinks that Kwame needs more management experience to go with the education. "And what is your educational background?" Trump asks Bill. Bill has a bachelor's degree from Loyola University in Chicago. Trump asks Troy about his background, and Troy brings up his real estate loan and development company, and how he loans his own money for a living. Trump asks Troy why Troy would want to work for him, and Troy hauls out what we now know is the clipping from his high school yearbook in which he wrote, "Trump, I'm coming." In other words, Troy, like Sam, is a Trump groupie. Troy goes on to say that his only education is Trump's book. "I have no degree from no college," he says, not quite grammatically, and I'll be nice and not point out that he might not have done that if he had a degree from a college, assuming he got the right kind. "So we have a Harvard MBA, we have a good college graduate, and we have high school," Trump says.
Trump moves on to Kwame, asking him about his history working at Goldman Sachs. He asks why Kwame would want to work for him. Kwame says what he said once before -- you only get a limited number of opportunities to be extraordinary. But right now, only one person is extraordinary -- Troy, whose job it now is to pick somebody to go up to the suite and somebody to stay with him. Troy doesn't hesitate. "I'd like to invite Kwame to the Boardroom with me, and I would enjoy the battle that we're going to pursue." "No kidding," Trump says, impressed. Troy and Kwame share their pull-snap handshake thingy again. Boyfriend Bill smiles nervously, and is up out of his seat almost before Trump can dismiss him. Heh. Nervous geek. Trump sends Troy and Kwame out into the waiting area while he consults with the Viceroys.
Out by the elevators, Boyfriend Bill calls out, "Give 'em hell," just as the doors are about to close. Kwame and Troy pace in the lobby. "I'm gonna cut ya quick and fast," Troy says, and Kwame says, "That's it, that's it." It's very good-natured between the two of them, and genuinely doesn't feel phony. "We've been a long way together," Kwame says, "and now it's time to go head-to-head. And may the best man win," he says. "Absolutely, sir," Troy agrees, and as they flop down on the yellow couch, they shake hands again.
Trump talks to Carolyn and Bernie. Carolyn says that she agrees with something Bill said, which is that Kwame lacks experience. Bernie points out that while he loves Troy's instincts, he finds Troy to be a little bit of a "loose cannon," and he thinks Troy still needs a little bit of time to develop before he's ready for a big management job. "He's not right yet," Bernie says. Trump waggles his head back and forth, like he's thinking about what to do. Or like the Hair is getting heavy.
Out in the lobby, Troy wonders aloud whether they should wrestle, and he and Kwame laugh. Trump calls to Robin to send them in, so in they go. "Big man?" says Kwame. "Boss?" says Troy, and they shake, and they hug, and they go in together. ["Sniffle." -- Sars] They sit at the table. "So Kwame," Trump says, "your friend screwed you." "Not at all," Kwame says confidently. "Well, I don't know," Trump says dubiously, recalling the look of the handshake. He asked Troy what his reason was for picking Kwame. Troy, reading off a steno pad, says that he picked Kwame because over all the tasks, Kwame has done a great job as a team player, but -- "Don't read notes," Trump interjects. "You don't need notes. I don't like notes." Troy agrees, and pushes the paper aside. He goes on to say that Bill has had some great ideas, but he thinks that Kwame has been a "steady Eddie" but not a leader. In his own defense, Kwame says that he agrees that he's been a steady performer, and reiterates that he's got a "great background." Trump points out, however, that as Troy says, Kwame hasn't been leading much. "I've led three times," Kwame says. "You've been a project manager three times," Carolyn says, "but I think what he's talking about is leading." Amen. That's one of the things I said early on -- some people lead naturally. Bill is like that, for good or for ill. He tends to be the second-in-command, even when he's not the leader. Planet Hollywood was like that, the ad campaign was like that...it's the same quality Amy has. She tends to step up even when she's not the PM, and Kwame tends to step back even when he is. It isn't necessarily good or bad, it's just different styles.
Troy says that he thinks it comes down to "instincts and guts," and he thinks that in the end, his instincts are better than Kwame's. Troy goes on to bring up the education thing, saying that education comes from places other than school, to which Trump points out that school isn't bad, either. We then go to what is always the weakest part of the show, which is that they always seem to have to edit in a voice-over from Trump that's pretty clearly inserted after the fact that sets up the firing. This one, unfortunately, is much longer than usual, so for looooong seconds, we are looking at Troy and Kwame's faces reacting to something other than the words we're hearing, which are Trump talking about how he's got a guy with a Harvard MBA but not a lot of leadership gusto, versus a guy with little education who'd been a good leader but can be a loose cannon. The Trump Voice says that "this is the toughest choice" yet. Trump tells Troy that in the end, the stakes are very high, and going with a high-risk/high-reward guy like Troy could be "costly and devastating." Thus...Troy is fired. Sniff.
Trump dismisses the fellas, and they go out to the lobby. Out there, they share another hug, and another shake, and more love. "We've been through the woods, baby," Troy says. "We have," Kwame agrees. "Love you, man," Kwame says from the elevator. "I love you too, boss," Troy calls back before the doors close. Over Troy's exit, Trump voices over that Troy is "a tremendous competitor," he's just kind of raw at this point. "That was tough," Trump says to Carolyn. "That was a tough one," she agrees. "Good for him for lasting this long," she adds, which I think is a recognition of the fact that they like Troy, and they feel bad about firing him, and they're sort of looking for the bright side, which is that he still did pretty damn well, considering that on paper, he was right when he said that his qualifications didn't look like they measured up to the rest of the folks very well.
Troy leaves and gets in his cab. Kwame rolls his suitcase toward S4. Dum-dum! Dum-dum! Dum-dum! Da-da-da-da-da-da-dum-dum! Dum-dum! Well, you know.
Troy's exit interview is predictably lovely. He calls it "a chance of a lifetime," says he has no regrets, talks warmly about all the great people he met, and has nothing unpleasant to say about anyone. Because Troy, you see, knows that reality show fame is short, but life is long. Hear that, Katrina? No, I didn't think so.
week: Two cuts in the first half-hour. Yikes. Also, "two little words: Oma. Rosa." Okay, it's a horrifying prospect, but it's a hilarious preview.