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The race stays in Botswana, but that doesn't mean the traveling is over. Teams drive themselves to a riverbank, where Bates & Anthony do a water-skiing Fast Forward and win the leg by hours. The other teams don't have it quite so easy; a Roadblock requires one member of each team to pole a dugout canoe upriver, with their partner and two small goats as passengers. And as Pam, Wynona, Beth, Joey, and Max (but not so much Caroline) discover, it's pretty tricky.
But they have to get there first. En route, Jennifer gets pulled over for speeding, so the country singers have to drive to the police station, try and fail to pay their ticket with American money, rely on a stranger to take their US dollars and return with local currency, and eventually get back on the road. Joey & Meghan just get lost entirely, utterly bereft without the GPS they claim their entire generation relies on. And Max & Katie can't even find their car after starting the leg in last place, and they also get a speeding ticket, and have a fender-bender, and this is before they even get to do their Speed Bump that involves prepping for and performing a ceremonial dance.
Pam & Winnie remain solidly in second place all the way to the Detour, where they choose to lead a team of donkeys hauling a load of firewood on a sleigh. But when the other two all-female teams show up, they panic and switch to the one where they do a fake safari on horseback, in which they're supposed to identify animal cutouts and then put them in the right order by memory. While they're attempting this, Mona & Beth and Caroline & Jennifer come in second and third respectively, while Chuck & Wynona ace the safari Detour and come in fourth. But Pam & Winnie fail to notice one of the ten animals, so suddenly it's not looking good for them at all.
However, Team Newlywed and Team YouTube don't know this. So after a persistently lost Joey gets lucky enough to be able to follow Max to the Roadblock, the two teams are locked in an increasingly frenzied race for what they think is last place. After rushing through the donkey Detour, Joey & Meghan beat Max & Katie to the mat by seconds, and are stunned to learn that there's still a team out there. Yes, after two tries at the safari task, Pam & Winnie switched tasks again. And now they have to switch to not being in the race any more. I did not see that coming at the beginning of the hour, much as Pam & Winnie did not see that ostrich cutout.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"The Okavango Delta is known as the jewel of Botswana," Phil narrates in voice-over during shots of the river, the Bushmen who inhabit the area, and multiple picture-in-pictures of local wildlife. I suspect he's making that nickname up, because it's also referred to as the Okavango Swamp, and I'm not sure how something can be a jewel and a swamp at the same time. He continues, "This freshwater wetland boasts an extraordinary concentration of wildlife, including Africa's big five." That would apparently be the elephant, the lion, the leopard, the rhino, and the cape buffalo. No, I don't know how the cape buffalo got in there either. Must be the cape. From the safari camp where the teams fetched up at the end of the leg, most of the racers stand and gape across the river at the elephants who have come to do their dailies. I think Bates speaks for all of the racers when he reverently whispers, "Africaaah."
Phil goes on, "And on the edge of the Boteti river, Meno a Kwena. This safari camp is the start of the seventh leg in a race around the world." And it's just as short on verbs as all the other starts, apparently. Bates & Anthony won the leg, so they're starting this one off at 5:39 AM. Still, it's already full daylight when they rip open their clue, which tells them to drive to Boro Village. First they have to find their way back to where they parked their cars before the Detour the day before, however, and they admit in an interview that it's a little novel for them to be in the lead and thus not to have anyone to follow. Once they get in their car, Anthony talks about their good night's sleep among the animals. Bates agrees that he was counting lions instead of sheep. Oh, look, stock footage of lions!
Pam & Winnie are the second team to begin the leg, at 6:11 AM. Pam interviews that the race requires you to be both smart and strong, and their strength is being smart. Thus their strategy to avoid the pack. And, as Winnie points out to Pam, also to avoid all the animal poo in the parking area. Winnie goes on to say that they race their best when they're on their own, so Pam agrees, "this show should just be about us." "Just let us race the show with no other teams and we'll be fine," Winnie agrees. Did they just ask for a spinoff? In their car, Pam says this is all very Indiana Jones, so I think maybe they're seriously working on a pitch.
Chuck & Wynona start in third place (which still blows my mind) at 6:17 AM. Following Chuck at a jog to the cars, Wynona complains, "You'll wear me out before we even get started." And this is while Chuck is wearing both of their backpacks.
Joey & Meghan's leg begins at 6:23, with them in fourth place. "You remember where you parked, right?" Meghan asks. Off to a great start.
Caroline & Jennifer leave the mat at 6:28 AM, in fifth place. As we see them running to their vehicle, Jennifer interviews how they're all about God and their faith. Caroline says they've been staying positive because they figure that whatever happens in the race is God's will. Jennifer is grateful to God for the fact that they're still even in the race after their first day on Bora Bora. Yes, everyone knows God hates firefighters.
Mona & Beth are off at 6:37 AM, and then Max & Katie leave at 6:47 AM, in last place and not feeling great about it. They have a Speed Bump coming up, and Max interviews that it's currently themselves beating themselves. And now they can't find their car either, which Max declares stupid. "You are stupid," Katie echoes. Max: "I know!" Well, at least they're in agreement.
Bates & Anthony have stopped at a ranger station for directions. They're told to keep going the way they're going, but are warned that "the road is bad. You might get lost. You need to go with somebody else." Of course that's not really an option, as Anthony says once he's back behind the wheel that there's nobody to follow, "and cheat off of."
Pam & Winnie have turned onto a paved road that coincidentally has a sign pointing them back to Maun, the city they flew into for the leg. There are also some wild bovines wandering the road. Somewhere behind them, Wynona tells Chuck, "Pedal to the metal, honey. Be safe and don't hit a cow." She also remarks that Africa smells like a big ball of dung. That's probably not going to go in the tourist brochures.
Joey interviews that he and Meghan are learning a lot and becoming a stronger team every leg, but "what screws us up the most is directions." And we see them pulling into a gas station and trying to find out from the attendants where to go, as Joey points out that his generation is used to relying on GPS. Sure, blame it on your "generation."
Caroline & Jennifer are enjoying the drive until a police officer on foot flags them down from the side of the road. He shows them the readout on his radar gun, which shows they were going 96 KPH in a 60 zone. So, yeah, there's going to be a ticket. They try to blonde their way out of it, but the officer's superior isn't impressed. In fact, he's still writing their ticket when Mona & Beth roll by. The country singers are instructed to go to the police station and pay 820 pula -- which converts to about a hundred dollars -- and they need to do it today. No sending a check when they get back to Nashville, I guess. Jennifer runs back to the car to break the news to Caroline, and as they drive off, the senior officer waves, "Thank you very much! Have a nice day!" They drive off all bitter, having apparently forgotten that this must be God's will too.
Max & Katie are still running around the fields in search of their car, which they find at last. Not that this puts an end to their bickering.
Bates & Anthony do manage to find a sign for Boro Village all by themselves, despite the rough road. There they drive up to a crowd of locals dancing and making music, as is totally common and spontaneous before eight in the morning, as well as a clue box to the nearby riverbank. Inside the clue box is a Fast Forward and a Roadblock, and they obviously decide to go with the former. "Have some fun on the waters of the Okavango Delta!" it invites. They follow a sign marked "Fast Forward" that's right there, pointing them toward the riverbank. Where there is another sign reading, "Danger Crocodiles." I think that sign is more permanent.
Eventually they get to a hand-painted sign propped up among some tree roots saying, "Both of you must stay up on water skis together for over a mile to win the Fast Forward award." This gives them both serious pause, especially in light of the crocodiles. Bates remembers not being able to get up on skis last time he tried, but Anthony insists he can do it. So they hop into the waiting motorboat with its two-man crew and start getting geared up. Bates asks about the crocodile situation, and one of the boat guides assures him that he's fine; they checked last night. Bates doesn't seem entirely reassured by this, somehow being under the impression that crocodiles possess some magical power of locomotion that allows them to travel from not at a place to that same place over the course of one night, even if somebody briefly played a flashlight beam over the area at some point during that night.
Eventually the boat is in position, and they have their life jackets on, and Anthony has his teeth out, so they're all ready to go. They lower themselves into the cloudy water amid lots of shots of river crocodiles that may or may not have been taken anywhere near here or at the same time period or even in Africa. Shit, those could be alligators for all I know; I'm always asking my eight-year-old the difference but I never remember the answer. In an interview, the hockey brothers talk about how they couldn't see much in the water, and were aware of the prospect of crocodiles looking for a couple of Italian boys to make into their meal. "Loves Italian sausage," Anthony says, which both of them regret almost immediately. They're both getting towed by the same boat, and this one must be more powerful than the last one Bates tried to ski behind, because they both pop up pretty quickly. Bates has some trouble balancing, rocking back and forth at the waist and almost getting tangled in Anthony's rope, but he keeps it together until he's upright and then sticks to that position. Only a mile to go, and the hard part's already over.
Pam & Winnie are a little nervous about driving "deep in the middle of Botswana" with no idea where they are, until they come up on the hockey brothers' parked car outside Boro Village. Pam is way excited about the Fast Forward for about half a second before realizing that the lead team probably already did it. That leaves them with the Roadblock, whose question asks, "Who wants to go up a creek without a paddle?" Now here's Phil at the riverbank among a row of handmade boats, saying, "The mokoro is a traditional dugout canoe made from a single tree." And the racers will have to use one to transport two goats upriver to a goat pen, then go back to where they started to get their clue. Winnie volunteers to do this one.
They go to the goat pen and she grabs a kid about the size of a medium-large dog, puts it into the canoe, and goes to get another one while Pam sits in the front of the boat holding the first one in place. So this is actually more of a team Roadblock than what we usually see. Now that the goats are onto Winnie, her second one ends up being not so much the smallest one as the slowest. But soon she's in the back of the canoe, standing with her feet far apart for balance per Pam's suggestion and propelling them out into the stream by pushing against the river bottom with a long pole. Winnie says it's really hard, but Pam gives her encouragement, even as a goat pees on her leg. So yeah, not a Roadblock one can do one one's own. You need a racer to pilot the boat and another racer to get peed on.
Bates & Anthony get the "Task Complete" graphic and let go of their tow ropes, which of course is when the boat crew spots a crocodile over on the bank. They quickly come about to retrieve the brothers and their skis, and Bates is jubilant at their success. They're handed a clue informing them that the boat will take them to a "safari taxi" that will take them to the Pit Stop, Royal Tree Lodge, so they're strictly passengers from here on out. Motoring back, their crew points out the crocodile, and Bates says that only on The Amazing Race can people say they got to swim with crocodiles. I'll just take his word for it that that never happens on The Good Wife. "Plus I got to take my shirt off," he grins, holding his life vest open for our enjoyment.
Jennifer drives Caroline into the Maun Police District Headquarters. They go in and try to pay in dollars, but it turns out they only take pula there. And, you know, it's not like they have to go out of their way to keep their customers happy.
Chuck drives up to the village, the car hitting a bump so hard that the steering wheel is briefly shaken out of his hand. Wynona sees the two cars already there and correctly guesses which two teams are ahead of them. At least for now; Winnie is still carefully navigating the boat out into the river, trying to make sure she's going upstream. Of course, an Amazing Arrow sign sticking out of the water in front of them helps. Now the tricky part: turning. I have no idea how the physics of that are even supposed to work. It's not like a pole can provide a lot of torque.
Wynona has to do another Roadblock to try to catch up with Chuck, so she goes chasing after the goats while Chuck secures the first one in the boat. Pam & Winnie can see them from out in the river, because their boat keeps trying to steer itself back downstream. Now just imagine how much harder this would be in a river that actually looks like its moving. Wynona puts her second goat down in the canoe, thinking it'll sit down docilely and wait for her to take her seat, but it runs for it, baaing all the way and forcing the local goat farmers to chase it down for her. They seem amused by it, fortunately. Once both goats are situated, Wynona struggles with poling the boat out, which she ends up doing from a crouch because she's afraid to fall in. This is not going to go well.
Mona & Beth arrive at the clue box, and Beth agrees to do it, somewhat reluctantly. Joey & Meghan are lost, however, as they're driving down a dirt road the peters out to nothing, until some kids run up waving them down and they decide to turn around. At first I think these are kids from the crowd near the clue box, but no, they're just random kids who live pretty much anywhere in Botswana. Max sees a sign informing him that he and Katie are 10 kilometers from Maun and says they're doing good. But she's still pissy enough about the length of the car-hunt at the beginning of the leg that she says, "I think the correct term is doing well." Someone's not even trying to get along.
At the police station, Jennifer finds someone who tells her where she can exchange cash in town. Except she can't leave Caroline because of that rule about partners staying together, so she has no choice but to give a hundred U.S. dollars to this total stranger and beg him to come back with pula. "This is a big mistake, which might cost us the race," Jennifer tells us, explaining that the cops are keeping Caroline as collateral and all she can do is hope that the guy will come back. "This is such a nightmare," she frets. Well, on the plus side, maybe the guy will be able to get to the money place more quickly than she and Caroline could have? And then take their cash and run for Namibia? "The first speeding ticket in my life cost us the race," Jennifer smiles ruefully after the ad break, still hoping the dude is going to come back.
Out on the very same stretch of road where the country singers got pulled over, Katie spots the speed limit 60 sign and tells Max to slow down. Oops, too late. "African speed trap," Max groans as a familiar police officer waves them down. While Max is out of the car getting the ticket (he was going 76, a lot slower than the country singers, but then he's a lot less blonde), Katie bitches to the camera, "He's supposed to be the man. He can't find the parked car, now he gets the speeding ticket. Like, really? He's just digging himself his own grave." I agree that Max isn't exactly covering himself with glory this leg, but what's this "supposed to be the man" shit? Back in the car, Max says that at least they have enough pula to pay, unlike a certain other team, but he wonders, "Can we just call this our Speed Bump and be done with it?" Well, maybe if Caroline and Jennifer hadn't gotten it too.
Jennifer is still waiting outside the police station when her new friend drives up with the pula they need to pay their ticket. Which they do, and go rushing out, but not without giving him a hug first. I suspect that's the reason he came back.
Bates & Anthony are having a much better time, riding in the boat down the river. Bates says this is the first time in the race they've been stress-free. "I'm sitting in my underwear. It's an awesome day, the weather's amazing, can't get better scenery than this. And Africa looks pretty good too!" Waka waka waka. They get dressed and dropped off on the bank, where a truck is waiting to take them to the Pit Stop.
Winnie manages to get their boat beached at the delivery spot maybe two hundred yards upriver, near more crocodile warning signs. "Who wants goats?" she asks. Someone points them to a makeshift pen composed mainly of bushes and a gate, and she carries one over under each arm to it, responding to their loud complaints with, "I know, it sucks." The friends get back in their boat, expecting it to be easier to go back downstream. Plus it's less likely that either of them will get peed on. Meanwhile, Wynona has her and Chuck's boat spinning helplessly in the current, and they're getting pretty impatient with each other. There's a similar situation with Beth and Mona behind them, as Mona does a lot of tense front-seat driving. Beth snaps at Mona to let her figure it out, then apologizes into the awkward silence. Actually, Mona seems less bothered by Beth's yelling than her sucking.
Joey & Meghan are still lost somewhere in Maun, and asking for directions. "Let's just hope other teams are having just as hard of a trouble," Joey says, not knowing the half of it.
And yet Caroline & Jennifer are the team to make it to the riverbank, now in fifth place. Maun must not have been as out of the way as I assumed. Caroline agrees to do it, and experiences her own personal cute-overload in the goat pen until she finds out how hard it is to actually catch one of them. "I know you don't want to play with me. I get it. I wouldn't want to play with me either," she tells them. Oddly, they seem unconvinced by her attempt at empathy.
Wynona manages to get their boat landed after a minor collision with one of the local boatmen, who after all are probably still trying to do their own jobs today. She delivers the goats and heads back, getting annoyed with Chuck even as he's telling her that she's doing it correctly now. I'm starting to understand why he didn't insist on her doing more Roadblocks earlier on.
Meanwhile, Caroline is trying to assure the screaming goats she's captured that she won't hurt them, but they remain unconvinced. She and Jennifer get them into their boat, where they encounter Pam & Winnie just returning. Winnie is threatening to move to Venice and become a gondolier, and the two teams bond across the water over the cuteness of the goats. Meanwhile, Mona is getting increasingly irritated with Beth's ineptitude at poling, and tells her to stand up like the locals are doing. Beth raises herself to her feet, barely keeping her balance in the process. Odd for a derby girl. Remember to fall small!
Pam & Winnie wade ashore and get their clue, which is a Route Info. They'll take a water taxi downriver to a safari taxi that will take them to the Royal Tree Lodge Game Preserve. Yes, that sounds a lot like what Bates & Anthony are doing, but for now the other teams are only going to their clue rather than the Pit Stop. Pam & Winnie are soon enjoying their motorboat ride, Winnie saying she feels like she's in an action movie. "Crocodile Dundee, African Edition," Pam says. James Bond must appreciate not always having to be the default comparison when these two are around.
Back on the river, Wynona is about to collide with Mona & Beth's boat. Beth drops back into a crouch as both boats attempt to not tip over. Chuck & Wynona have the nerve to complain in an interview about the derby moms pushing their boat away, like, you came into their space, guys. The immediate crisis over, Mona can now go back to being annoyed with Beth's inability to get them back on what was sort of passing for course.
Caroline is poling the country singers' boat from the front while Jennifer sits in back with the goats, and she interviews how she grew up catching food and practicing jumping off the roof in the event of a fire, so she's loving reliving her childhood on the race. Jennifer admits that she couldn't do it. She probably also couldn't store a flying squirrel in her bra, though.
Max & Katie get to the police station, and now that it's later in the day, there's a line they're going to have to wait in. Just what they needed. Fortunately for them, Joey & Meghan are still lost, getting more directions from more locals and presumably developing a mental collage of Botswana that looks like Apple's Maps upgrade. "I hate driving to places!" Meghan whines. She should have raced last season, then.
Wynona, her shirt soaked with sweat, finally gets herself and Chuck back on the shore and they get their clue, currently in third place. Beth drops off he derby moms' goats and they tensely negotiate getting back into the boat while Caroline carries her goats into the pen, apologizing to them the whole time. She's also better than Beth is at getting back underway, and soon the derby moms are watching them sail down the river while Mona gives Beth some increasingly unfriendly advice, finally declaring, "I'm gonna lose my mind." So we all agree that Mona's a control freak, then?
In less stressful news, Bates & Anthony are looking at the bonobos, ostriches, and gazelles from the back of their open-air safari taxi, reverently whispering, "Africaaah!" Soon they're running across a field to the mat, where a female greeter welcomes them to Maun, Botswana. Phil tells them they're team number one again, and they've won $7,500 each. I bet the racers love the weeks when the producers don't have time to shop. Phil remarks that this makes three first-place finishes for them in seven legs, but Bates says, "There's some strong teams out there, and they're coming for us, I know." Well, at least one of them won't be, after today.
In second place, Pam & Winnie are still enjoying their boat ride, waving at birds and fishermen. So are Chuck & Wynona behind them. Soon Pam & Winnie are back on dry land, though it's no less treacherous: "Poo everywhere!" Winnie says, picking her way to one of the group of waiting safari taxis. They're soon on their way to the Royal Tree Game Preserve, as are Chuck & Wynona. Caroline & Jennifer help each other out of their canoe and get their clue while Mona & Beth are coming in behind them, rather less smoothly. I'm glad to see Mona hasn't killed Beth yet, though that might only be because Beth is the one holding the big pole.
Max & Katie are just leaving the police station, Katie saying they have a lot of time to make up. Backing out, Max says, "That was like mayhem in there. It was not a good place to be at all." And he promptly backs their borrowed SUV into a pole. Katie tells him to calm down. "Oh, my God, this is horrible," Max says as the camera zooms in on a collapsed fender. I don't know, it looks totally drivable to me.
Post-commercials, they just keep going, Katie saying that maybe she should drive. Max tells her she's more than welcome to. He interviews afterwards that he wasn't about to get out to look at the damage, because then he'd start sweating and panicking, and we know from last week with the Bushmen how Katie feels about people smelling less-than-fresh when she's in a car with them. As they're getting back on the road, Katie says, "Hopefully people get lost."
Right on cue, we join Joey & Meghan begging Jesus to help them win. Jesus is like, "I don't know what you people want from Me." Lucky for them, they spot Max & Katie's car in front of them and follow them the rest of the way to Boro Village. "Well, we're not last," Katie says, spotting Team YouTube behind them. "If I get beat by them then I should be headed home anyway," Max says, although it's not like it would be the first time. They get to the starting point of the Roadblock, which is when we first see that there's also a giant Speed Bump sign with Max & Katie's picture on it. Phil narrates that for the extra task that serves as their penalty for coming in last in the leg, Max & Katie will have to complete a pair of beaded skirts like the ones being worn by the local dancers, and then put them on and dance like said dancers before they can rejoin the race. They get to it, suddenly enjoying themselves, while Joey is taking the Roadblock on the logic that it's probably a physical one. He's the muscle for this team, after all, which is tragic. Soon he's in the front of a canoe poling Meghan and a pair of goats out past a crocodile-warning sign.
Pam & Winnie are dropped off near a tree adorned with a hanging basket with clues inside. Finally we're at the Detour, which Phil says "requires teams to work with two of Botswana's favorite domestic animals: a horse or a donkey." And thus the highly specific names for the Detour choices, "Brains" and "Brawn." For the former, they'll go on a horseback safari to find cutouts of ten different animals positioned along the trail. Then at the end of the ride, they'll have to arrange a bunch of tiles with the same symbols in the same order to get their clue. For "Brawn," they'll need to load a trailer with firewood and coax a team of donkeys to haul it half a mile by dangling a carrot on a stick on front of them like this is a freaking Looney Tunes cartoon. Pam & Winnie figure that option might be quicker, so that's what they're going with. They start hauling the wood, which proves to be rather heavy. The donkeys aren't going to like that much.
Chuck is suggesting that they do Brains, probably because he figures Wynona's physically tapped out for the day already. They strap on pith helmets and start the horseback ride, calling out animals as they go to help each other remember. "You look handsome in your hat up there," Wynona lies. They soon rack up a zebra, a cape buffalo, and an antlered critter that Chuck identifies as a kudu before Wynona decides to make up a song to remember them. "I don't sing like the country girls but I'm singing," she says.
Speaking of whom, Caroline & Jennifer get to the Detour clue in fourth pace and opt for Brawn. So do Beth & Mona when they arrive right behind them. Back at the Roadblock, Joey's not really having much luck with the poling from a kneeling position, so he switches to using the pole like a kayak paddle instead. This works about as well as you might imagine. Max & Katie, apparently having finished the work on their skirts, are ushered into a tiny hut the size of a doghouse for some final preparations that seems to involve getting red greasepaint smeared on their faces. I've often complained that the Speed Bumps are too easy, but at least now this one comes with a highly visible loser-mark.
Pam & Winnie have their sled loaded up, so now all they need to do is get their donkeys moving. Which, in the case of the two lead animals, is not happening. "It's these fricking two asses in the front," Winnie says, trying to push one of them. I wonder how satisfying it is to refer to an animal as an ass when it is in actuality an ass. The country singers and then the derby moms show up before they've made any progress at all, and they're already considering switching Detours. Pam admits in an interview that the sight of other teams makes them flustered. Winnie agrees that they prepared for the race, but not for the pressure and anxiety that comes from, I guess, competition. This all sounds like some retroactive justification for what we see them do -- which is to basically panic, drop their carrot in the dirt, and go running off as though the donkeys are wired to explode (that's how they did mob hits back in the pioneer days, you know). Caroline is actually getting her donkeys moving with a combination of puling and coaxing, and then Mona's leading her team while Beth pushes from behind. So maybe Pam & Winnie just got broken donkeys. Which is bullshit.
Max & Katie are joining the traditional ass-shaking with the locals, and having a good time despite looking as though their faces are covered with carpet burns. Joey is not, so much, as he's proving unable to keep his boat from spinning in the current. Maybe they should ask someone for directions. After Team Newlywed finishes the Speed Bump, Max decides to do the Roadblock. He interviews, "I saw, 'who wants to be up a creek without a paddle,' it sounded like a familiar place, I've spent some time there. I think I know that creek really well, actually." He carefully guides the boat out past the weeds with a lot of input from Katie, nearly tipping it at one point. "This is a little horrifying," she says. But at least now Max is being the man.
Pam & Winnie arrive at the Brains Detour and mount up with matching pith helmets, hoping this will go fast. Up ahead, Wynona has her little song that she's using to memorize "Zebra, buffalo, kudu, giraffe...groundhog." She leaves the five to Chuck, who is wisely content to let her go on thinking that's actually a groundhog if it'll help her remember.
Joey says he feels like Pocahontas (James Bond: "Oh, come on!") as he gets the boat beached and delivers the goats. Max & Katie see them coming back, and Katie says they can beat them if Max just concentrates. Soon he's dropping off the goats at the pen, and they're back on their way, Katie telling Max they can catch Team You Tube. "Don't get to ballsy, bear," she adds as he nearly careens into some weeds. "I'm so nervous." At least he's less likely to get a speeding ticket doing this.
The country singers and the derby moms are leading their respective donkey teams down the path when Caroline and Jennifer's sleigh gets stuck on a tree. Caroline has to free it up, and while she's doing that, Mona & Beth pass them up. Again.
Chuck & Wynona spot a snake cutout, then a cheetah, as Chuck interviews that he's always wanted to come to Africa and get something exotic to kill and stuff and put in his house. Alas, I think he needs to leave the cutouts in place for the other teams. Behind them, Pam & Winnie are up to the meerkat. Wynona's groundhog, in other words.
Joey & Meghan actually do beat Max & Katie back to the starting point of the canoe Roadblock, and get their clue in sixth place with what Joey figures is a five-minute lead. In their last-place water taxi, Katie says, "Either we beat Meghan and Joey or we're out. We just gotta kill them in the Detour and make it to the Pit Stop first. If not, we're done." Wait, is killing other teams not against the rules? It seems like that would earn them a six-hour penalty, minimum.
The derby moms and the country singers arrive at the safari camp where their firewood is to be delivered at about the same time, but the hard part isn't over; they still have to unload the sleighs and the donkeys, once moving, don't seem inclined to stop. The derby moms' team tries to dash off into the trees, so Mona has to try to stop them while Beth rushes to unload the wood. Caroline & Jennifer have even more trouble, as one of their lead donkeys turns around and goes between the others, tangling up the rigging. They'd be totally screwed if they weren't already where they need to be. Mona & Beth get it done first, and receive their clue reading "Make your way on foot to the Pit Stop: Where the river bends!" officially in second place.
Caroline & Jennifer get their clue in third almost immediately thereafter. Both teams go running through a wall of trees, but Mona & Beth reach the mat first, making them team number two. They jump up and down happily, and Phil points to the approaching country singers, saying, "Another strong team coming in right now." This leg, yes. Caroline & Jennifer join them on the mat for high-fives all around, and are checked in as team number three amid cries of "Girl power!" So I guess the divisions from the U-Turn episode have been forgotten in the euphoria of not-quite-near-victory.
Chuck and Wynona spot a cutout of an ostrich and one of a hippo with a bird roosting on its head, then get to the end of the trail. Wynona quickly lays out the tiles for her first five animals, but Chuck ruins into a wrinkle :"There's no hippo tile." Instead, Chuck goes with the tile of the bird. A weathered safari guide makes a big show of examining the tiles seriously, then gives them their clue, so they're soon running for the mat and officially team number four. Chuck kisses Wynona. "Look at that," Phil says approvingly. Chuck says they're a long way from home but good to go. "Don't count us out, now." Ah, there it is: the obligatory admonition from the redneck team to not be counted out.
The fake safari is not going as well for Pam & Winnie, who have just ridden past the ostrich cutout without noticing it. And then, knowing they were supposed to find ten animals, they spot the hippo with the bird perching on its head and figure that counts as two, so they must be done. During all this, the soundtrack is all but bleating, "Uh-oh." Right here is when it first occurred to me that they might actually be in trouble.
Joey & Meghan get their Detour clue and decide on Brawn just as Max & Katie arriving right behind them and make the same choice.
Pam & Winnie get to the safari tent and lay out some tiles with a rhino and a bird at the end. Of course that's wrong on more than one count, because a) there's no ostrich in their sequence and b) a rhino is not a hippo, but all they know when the judge tells them it's wrong is that they have to go back to the beginning. And after the last ad break, that's exactly what they're doing. "Maybe we missed one, who knows?" Pam says. Uh, we do, Pam. We know.
Joey & Meghan are loading their sleigh as quickly as possible, and then discover that their donkeys aren't interested in carrots. Max & Katie, on the other hand, already have their team moving. "You guys realize this is a million fricking dollars, let's go!" Joey berates his team. "Come on, horsey!" I don't think the "horsey" understands what you're saying, Joey; maybe you should convert that dollar figure to pula. Max looks back as he's pushing his and Katie's sled and tells her that Team YouTube hasn't even moved yet. "This is how it ends," Joey shrugs. That would be about 8.2 million pula, Joey. I'm trying to help you out here.
Pam & Winnie are seeing their antelope/kudu again and figuring for some reason that they've got this. And at the other Detour, suddenly Joey and Meghan's team is moving, Joey jumping up and down excitedly and making the locals laugh just by being Joey. Glad it works on someone. Max & Katie see them coming, and gaining, and then passing, but then Team YouTube's trailer gets hung up in a tree but good. Pam & Winnie are back at the hippo/bird part of the fake safari, while Team YouTube somehow have their sleigh freed up and are gaining on Max & Katie again. But then Team YouTube's rig hits another tree. Fortunately this one's small enough that it just gets flattened, though it's not so fortunate for the tree. And then Max & Katie's team gets messed up. This is clearly not a mode of transport designed for the breakneck speeds these people are pushing, and by breakneck I mean trotting.
Pam & Winnie have their tiles lined up and they're sure it's right this time. While the judge is still checking, we cut back to the other two teams just arriving at the other safari tent and unlading their wood. "If Meghan and Joey beat us in this Brawn test, we should go home," Katie says. "Like, that's embarrassing." Both teams are hurling branches onto piles. But it's all moot between those two anyway, because Pam & Winnie missed the ostrich the second time around as well, and even having a bird above the rhino tile on their layout doesn't fix it. So they decide to switch tasks again. Oh, man.
Joey & Meghan are the to finish the Detour, and they get their clue in fifth place while Max & Kate are still unloading. Team YouTube is narrowly in the lead as they run through the trees and up to the mat. "How was that for a finish?" Phil says mildly. Max & Katie come running up before Phil says anything about rankings, so you know he's going to milk it for a while. "Joey & Meghan. Max & Katie. Just not your day today, huh?" They all agree that it wasn't. Phil finally tells Team Newlywed, "Well, I'm sorry to tell you that...you're going to have to muster some more strength because you are not the last team to arrive. Joey & Meghan, you are team number five. Max & Katie, you are team number six." None of them can believe it, and Phil tells Max & Katie, "Second leg in a row you've cut it really close. It doesn't get much closer than that."
Oh, I think it does, because Pam & Winnie still have their Detour to finish, and it's not about to be a third non-elimination in a row, now, is it? As they get their donkeys moving and unload their wood (it's not clear if it's the same sled they loaded before with the same donkeys, which at least would have saved them a few totally academic minutes), they interview in VO about how they're proud of themselves and they kicked butt. "Crying is for bitches," Pam says. They're the last to arrive, and are Philiminated. They aren't entirely surprised, but they're not crushed either. "We started off second, but this was our game-changer," Winnie says. I think she means game-ender. Over a montage of some moments from their past legs, Winnie says that they might be eliminated, "but it can't feel bad after doing this much cool stuff and going to this many cool places." Pam says they should think about all the awesome things they got to do. Doing the walk of shame from the mat, she says, "At least we got to see Africa. Pretty priceless." Oh, I think I can put a price on it: let's say about a million dollars.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.