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First thing's first: Dave did indeed injure his ankle pretty bad, seriously enough to have to leave Bora Bora on crutches. But he and Connor are still not ready to quit. From there, the teams head to Phil's hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand, via Tahiti, Auckland, and all manner of airport intrigue, during which Dave goes to an actual hospital and gets a sonogram, official diagnosis, and an immobilizing boot to go with the crutches. But he and Connor are still not ready to quit, so Jessica & John hand Dave & Connor the Express Pass as promised.
Once everyone gets to Christchurch, they trek out the river and then take jet boats to a Detour where they either have to drive a car down a slippery dirt slalom course or catch a foot-long fish from the river. Obviously most teams opt for the race cars -- except Dave, who can't drive anything with a clutch while his foot is out of commission; and Chuck & Wynona, who are all about the outdoors. Most teams take a few tries for each racer to complete the course under the combined time of 83 seconds, and those are the ones where both partners already knew how to drive stick before learning for the race. Max is especially poor, and Katie isn't shy about saying so.
Dave & Connor use their Express Pass after a few minutes of fruitless fishing and end up leading the way to the clue at Mount Hutt Station. There, they discover the Shemozzle, a wacky Kiwi obstacle course Roadblock that leads to each racer being covered in molasses and feathers on their way to a splashdown in a mud pool, all while trying to collect a dozen eggs. Max and Katie get lost and fall to bickering on the way, with the hockey brothers in their wake. Connor manages to finish the Roadblock before any other teams show up, at which point it becomes something of a melee, but Jessica & John get out of there in second place. Dave becomes what is probably the first person ever to win a leg of The Amazing Race on crutches, which they're happy about because it might be one of their last legs. In fact, Phil presents them with a dreaded "you're still racing" clue, at the worst possible time. And we leave it To Be Continued before we know if they're even going to stay in it. So now are Dave & Connor ready to quit? We'll find out week, as well as finding out when and in what order everyone else makes it to the mat.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!As is customary when something serious has transpired between one leg and the , Phil's cheerful welcome at the starting location of this week's leg will have to wait. Instead, we open right on Connor asking his dad Dave if he's okay, presumably moments after Dave self-diagnosed a blown ankle during the final dash to the mat. "It's gone," Dave answers him. Cut to an interview where he describes the sensation: "Thirty feet out I felt a pop in my Achilles tendon." We cut to Dave's ankle being looked at by a local medic, who quickly diagnoses a torn muscle and says Dave will need a sonogram to see just how bad it is. Dave is fighting tears as the medic says he can give him some crutches and send him to a specialist in Papeete, Tahiti. "Yes, I'm sorry, but that's the way," he shrugs, slightly more sympathetically than House. Dave talks about how they're already cancer survivors, so they're not about to quit now. The difference is that they didn't run the Amazing Race with cancer. Although, damn... wouldn't that be a great hook for a team?
Now Phil gets to give his opening narration about Bora Bora, which he says "is considered by many to be the most romantic island in the world. And just offshore, Motu Tapu, the Hilton's ultimate private island escape." Shilling for Hilton now, Phil? "This picture-perfect getaway is the start of a third leg in a race around the world." Bates & Anthony, the hockey-playing brothers who won the leg, are starting this one at the uncharacteristically decent hour of 8:54 AM. They open a clue sending them to "Phil's hometown, Christchurch, New Zealand." An Amazing Light Blue Line makes an early appearance to demonstrate how they'll depart Bora Bora, transfer in Papeete and then proceed across the Pacific to Christchurch via Auckland. Then they'll hop into a fleet of white Ford Foci to drive themselves to the Rakaia River Gorge. For now, they board a water taxi and hurry the pilot away from the dock, even as Dave is coming down the ramp on his crutches with Connor in tow. That team begins at 8:55 -- in second place for now -- and steps onto another boat. Dave reiterates that he's planning to see a doctor in Tahiti to find out what's what, which of course none of the other teams will have to do. It's like a Speed Bump, but less fun!
Jessica & John arrived at the mat right behind them, so they're starting in third place at 8:56. Jessica reminds us of the two Express Passes she and John scored in the first leg, and John says that they'll keep their word and give the other one to Dave & Connor now that Dave is injured. They're also hoping it'll help them beat the hockey players somehow, according to some trademark John-logic that, as usual, I am unable to follow.
Joey & Meghan, a.k.a. Team YouTube, are starting at 9:00 and are obnoxiously excited about both the cash in the clue and their destination. Okay, Joey is. I can't wait until killer fatigue catches up with Joey and settles him down a bit. Currently he's like Jack from Will & Grace minus Jack's Marlboro Man stoicism. Chuck & Wynona, who finished the last leg right behind them, are starting this one the same way, at 9:01. Chuck interviews that they've never been out of the country, Wynona adding that the furthest they've been from home is Niagara Falls (sloooowly I turned), but they're learning from this new experience. The derby moms, Beth & Mona, are also very excited about getting to go to New Zealand as they start their leg in sixth place at 9:06 AM. The thing we know, the three lead teams have finished their water taxi ride and are at Bora Bora's open-air plane terminal. Bates & Anthony seem to be the first to get to a counter, where the ticket agent tells them that the flight out is leaving, oh, now. John quietly boasts to the cameras about how he and Jessica just got the last seats on that same flight, and goes to make a lame effort to slow the hockey brothers down by chatting to them about the early flight and grinning coprophagously that "maybe" he's on an even earlier flight. "That was aggressive," Bates remarks after John weasels away. And this is coming from a hockey player. They've already declared Team JJ the shadiest of all, which is easy to say for a team that has yet to look far enough behind themselves to notice Max & Katie.
When Dave & Connor catch up to them in the terminal, Dave tells them about how he's going to be visiting the hospital. Jessica says that means "it's time," and John quickly hands over their spare Express Pass as previously agreed, but also as previously considered weaseling out of. Seeing this transaction, Bates & Anthony quickly realize there's an alliance. "No one's going to be kissing their asses anymore," Bates bright-sides. Dave tucks it away, thinking Bates & Anthony are none the wiser, when of course they are. And a prop plane takes off for Tahiti with the first two teams -- the hockey players and Team JJ -- at 9:00 AM, according to the subtitle. Which is weird, because that means that Jessica & John somehow got from the mat to their plane seats in four minutes, never mind the fact that we already saw the start of Beth & Mona's leg at 9:06. Maybe the different islands have different time zones here.
Team YouTube, Team Mullet and the derby moms hit the airport in a clump. Meghan & Joey score seats on an 11:35 flight, as do Beth & Mona. Chuck tells the agent he wants the same thing, and before anyone else at the counter gets any if she can swing that. Wynona frets about Chuck working it too hard and he non-apologizes, "they'll never see us again." Not unless they get CBS in Bora Bora.
The country singers, Caroline & Jennifer, are leaving the dock at 10:49 AM. They're feeling pretty good about going from a four-hour penalty to seventh place in the leg, and have a brief debate briefly about whether their journey to number one is best described as "up" or "down." I would personally choose the word "futile."
Max & Katie leave at 11:08 in eighth place, and as they're boarding a water taxi, we see that prop plane that took off from Bora Bora before some of its passengers even boarded it landing Faa'a International Airport in Tahiti, where the Express Pass alliance was born. Today the place appears to be utterly abandoned, every ticket window closed. Is it Sunday or something? I'm almost worried about Langoliers, especially this close to the International Date Line. Bates & Anthony and Jessica & John are reduced to checking at the Information Desk, where they learn that the flight to Christchurch is leaving at eight the following morning. Bates says something about killing time by playing cards. "Could have played for the Express Pass, but it's gone," he says to Jessica & John. Also, it would be a pretty boring game, since we've just seen that both these teams have a habit of tipping their hands.
The middle of the pack gets on the 11:35 flight out of Bora Bora, including Dave & Connor, who are hoping to find time to see a doctor during their layover in Tahiti. They're already in the air by the time Pam & Winnie finally open their clue at 11:48 AM. Winnie promises that they'll think before they act this leg. "At least being last we can focus on each other and moving forward," she says. Each other?
After landing in Tahiti, the middle teams do an awkward jog-race to the ticket windows in Tahiti and also find them closed. "Whole lotta stress over nothing," one of the new arrivals comments, as Bates laughs while watching them arrive. As for Dave & Connor, they apparently make their way to the soap-opera-named "Downtown Hospital," where Dave quickly gets in to see a specialist. While the doctor looks at the sonogram screen and a French-to-English interpreter (or maybe just someone's mom that got roped into this, because she's holding her purse and there's a young girl in there too) translates, Dave is diagnosed with a small tear in his Achilles tendon and the muscle attached to it. So their stop is a drugstore to pick up a stabilizing boot. Dave's fitted with a big black cyborg leg to go over his real one and stumps out of the pharmacy on his crutches. I'm wondering if medical expenses come out of their leg allowance. Since nobody mentions it, I'll have to assume no. Dave interviews a little more about their determination and then they join the rest of the teams (save Pam & Winnie) at the Tahiti airport, where they're greeted with a round of applause. Dave updates everyone on his condition and they're all quite sympathetic. Dave & Connor promise to be back after hitting the restroom, and the other teams are left to sit around and talk about how amazing they are. This is the first Caroline has heard about their history of cancer and she appears pretty moved about it. Yes, Amazing Editors, we are all impressed by Connor and Dave. You don't have to belabor it by having the other teams talk about it too.
That night, John decides to recruit some new allies against Bates & Anthony: Team YouTube and the derby moms. So if they just form an alliance with the country singers and Max & Katie, they'll be in bed with everyone except the hockey brothers. Jessica explains that the main purpose of the alliance is to share travel information. Meanwhile, another alliance is progressing, as Caroline and Jennifer bring Bates & Anthony some broken-down cardboard boxes so they don't all have to sleep on the hard tile floor. Very cozy. "Only took us two nights to get them into bed," Anthony cracks. Everyone gets to spend the night in the terminal, which finally opens for business early the morning. All nine remaining teams end up together on the same Air Tahiti Nui flight to Auckland, which takes off when it's still early in the morning, but Max says the connection to Christchurch is still up for grabs. The Amazing Light Blue Line does an encore, this time stopping in Auckland. Pam & Winnie are somehow the first team to get tickets on a flight leaving at 5:00 PM, Pam saying that they might even be the only ones to do so. Indeed, Jessica & John are soon learning that the flight is packed. And to make it official, Pam & Winnie's new subtitle is "Currently in 1st Place" before they even get on the plane. Not bad for starting out in dead last.
John & Jessica and Mona & Beth get booked on a 5:30 flight. So do the father and son team (Connor hot-rodding Dave around on a borrowed wheelchair) and Team YouTube, while Bates & Anthony get themselves on a six o'clock flight. Chuck asks a line of people if he can cut in front of anyone, since they're in a race. "No givers?" Well, since anyone who lets you cut in front of them is also letting you cut in front of all the people behind them, I wouldn't think so. Caroline and Jennifer get boarding passes for the 6:00 flight at an electronic kiosk. Max & Katie, meanwhile, are on standby for the 5:30. Watching it board, Max comments on how Mona & Beth and Joey & Meghan are suddenly "new best friends. At this point, I don't trust anybody." That's okay Max -- nobody trusts you either. They do get on the flight, though. Chuck & Wynona still appear to be flailing, as Chuck ends up getting pointed to a courtesy phone on the wall to try to buy plane tickets. They end up on a 7:30 flight and congratulate themselves on having bypassed an hour's wait in line. "Why isn't everybody doing that?" Wynona wonders aloud. Well, because almost everybody is already on a plane taxiing toward takeoff. As time passes and the 6:00 flight leaves, they start wondering where all the other teams are. "We may have made an error there," Chuck realizes. As the third flight takes off, he says, "Uh-oh. I think we're screwed." I'm just wondering what everybody else was able to figure out that he couldn't.
Whatever the case, they get the official "Currently in: Last Place" subtitle on the screen as we come back to them realizing as much. They look pretty stressed out as they finally take off on the last flight. If only they could see the b-roll of New Zealand we cut to, which is so spectacular that it would soothe anyone. It's mostly the spectacular Middle-Earth scenery; we're not seeing much of the actual city of Christchurch, which, after all, was socked by an earthquake not too long ago. Not that anyone is going to mention that tonight, not even Phil. The first flight lands, and Pam & Winnie quickly find the line of Foci and are on their way, sitting in the right side of the car and driving on the left side of the road like one does in New Zealand. Phil reminds us that they're driving to the Rakaia River Gorge, this time adding that when they arrive, they'll pick a number between one and nine to reserve a ride on a jet boat down the river the morning. Sounds like fun, if they can get there. Meanwhile, the second flight lands and that group of teams (Max & Katie, Joey & Meghan, Mona & Beth and Dave & Connor) is hurrying through the airport -- including Dave, who is executing some kind of wild run-hop combo on his crutches and insisting on taking the stairs down rather than the escalator. I keep expecting him to fold, spindle and mutilate himself like an umbrella in a hurricane at any moment. Connor's worried too, but since he's carrying both their backpacks it's not like he can physically force his dad to slow down. They all find their cars, complete with Amazing Windshield Decals and pile their stuff into them, Dave understandably bringing up the rear. Then the third flight lands. Driving away from the airport, Jennifer talks about how much they're digging the alliance with the guys and how comfortable and safe they feel. Must have been the crack about getting them into bed that did it.
Pam & Winnie are driving through the New Zealand countryside, commenting on the verdant beauty of it all. As they pass a grazing flock, Connor remarks to Dave that there are supposedly more sheep than people in this country, and Dave says he wouldn't mind some fresh lamb for dinner. "I hear it's not ba-a-ad," Connor agrees. Oh come on, now. Also, come on, Winnie and Pam, because once again they have rushed off and ended up getting lost, contrary to what they promised they would do. At least it's pretty where they are. Caroline, behind the wheel of her car with Jennifer, admits that it's nerve-wracking to be in the lead, by which she means that Bates & Anthony are following them. It wouldn't help if she could hear Bates & Anthony remarking about how she keeps creeping left over the shoulder line, until remembering they shouldn't complain, especially because these two teams are the first to reach the Rakaia River Gorge. Team YouTube isn't far behind, Joey calling it "Lord of the Rings-style. Where's Frodo?" At least he's not braying it like he brays almost everything else. As it turns out, a river gorge can be pretty long and it's Connor and Dave who are the first to arrive at the part of it where they're actually supposed to be. Connor runs ahead down the bank to grab the 1 slip from the sign. They're going to need it. Other teams start showing up and Jessica & John score slot number 2, Joey & Meghan 3 and Max & Katie 4. With their numbers secured and the sun going down, Joey wonders aloud where they're supposed to sleep and Dave points with a crutch toward a row of tiny tents lined up against the edge of the trees. Luxurious. Pam & Winnie arrive in time to score slot number 5, so at least they didn't get as lost as they did last week.
So the last flight lands with Chuck & Wynona, and Chuck almost gets in on the American side of the car until Wynona corrects, "Wrong side, buddy." He scampers around, leaving the passenger door open for the camera guy to get in, which is as close as we've gotten to any sign of their existence this season. Other than the footage they shot, obviously. At the riverbank, it's dusk when Beth & Mona arrive to claim number 6 and I notice that one of them has the derby name Fiona Grapple. I love derby names. I'm still working on mine and considering how long it took me to come up with "M. Giant," it could be a while. It's just about full dark by the time Jennifer and Caroline show up and most of the other teams are gathered around a campfire. John points them to the sign with the numbers and they wander around it aimlessly, literally within arm's reach of it, while wacky hoedown music plays on the soundtrack and Bates & Anthony are closing in. Jennifer just manages to realize what they're supposed to be doing and grabs 7 just ahead of Bates, but only because she saw what he was going for. The hockey guys get 8 as a result. Serves them right for following people who didn't know where they were going. Chuck & Wynona eventually show up in the dark and take the last number. "Grab a tent," she tells him. Somehow he manages to not say it back.
Early the morning, the boats are waiting in the river and the teams are putting on life jackets. Dave & Connor head for their boat first, Connor narrating that they want to win this leg and are prepared to use the Express Pass to make that happen. After all, they don't know how many legs Dave has left in him. Still, Dave's not ready to go home. "I want to finish this for him," he interviews, getting choked up as usual. At least he gets to drive the jet boat with Connor and a guide sitting behind him, and they both seem to enjoy the "rocket ship on the water." Probably because boats don't generally have foot pedals. Jessica & John are also underway behind them, then Joey & Meghan, the latter of whom says, "We're like James Bond again!" At some point Ian Fleming's estate is going to sue this show. Katie is driving Max in their boat and Pam goes for a little more variety (not to mention accuracy), comparing the experience to Miami Vice as Winnie does the piloting. On top of the speed rush, the scenery certainly is amazing. I'm impressed that they fixed the mountains and river so quickly after the earthquake.
Dave & Connor reach a point where the river bed flattens out and Connor spots a clue box, to rows of personalized red and blue helmets and four-wheel ATVs. Dave hobbles through the shallow water to the bank, his boot in a plastic bag, as Connor chuckles, "I can't believe you're on crutches." Indeed, this really is no place for the Tiny Tim Cratchit routine, but they're still in first place as they open the clue for the Detour. Phil says this is a choice between "two popular New Zealand pastimes," which means the options will have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. For each Detour, the teams have to drive themselves on the ATVs to a separate starting point. For the option called "Rev it Up," Phil is coming to us from a slalom dirt track out in a field amid all this otherwise unspoiled beauty, saying they'll have to "put the pedal to the metal in a modified vintage car." I know, "modified vintage car" sounds cool, but these are all 1970s front-wheel drive hatchbacks of one form or another, so it's going to be less Fast/Furious than Goofy/Gremlin. Phil elaborates that both racers on each team will have to zigzag through the cones in less than 83 seconds total. "Once they complete the course in the allotted time, Flash will hand them their clue." Flash would be a guy in a racing coverall who looks a lot like a thinner version of my former governor, Jesse Ventura.
"Reel it In" is almost the opposite; instead of driving a fast car, the racers will have to go fishing. Yeah, I know. Each racer will have to stand on the bank with a pole and catch a fish at least twelve inches long out of the river, and then collect their clue from Dirk, a sad-looking "champion fisherman." Connor says they'll do "Rev it Up," not worried about both of them having to drive, as Jessica & John's boat comes into view behind them. Dave gets on the back of the ATV that Connor drives, splashing through puddles following the mud ruts to the Detour location. Jessica & John and Joey & Meghan are also going with "Rev it Up," as do Max & Katie, because driving cars is fun and fishing sucks. They all get on the four-wheelers and continue enjoying the ride. Mona & Beth, Caroline & Jennifer, Bates & Anthony (who I think I'm just now noticing are described by the subtitles as "Hockey Brothers") and finally Chuck & Wynona are in their boats. Everyone's having a great time, as if anyone watching at home needs convincing that this would be fun to do.
Dave & Connor get to the auto course, and Dave immediately asks if the cars have a clutch. Told that they do, he stops short and says he can't drive it. "I can't even tell where my foot is." So now they'll have to switch Detours and drive to the fishing task. "There go our chances," Connor moans. Dave suggests using the Express Pass, but Connor wants to hold off on that, at least for now.
Pam & Winnie, Mona & Beth, Caroline & Jennifer and Bates & Anthony all choose Rev it Up, as anyone would. Anyone except Chuck & Wynona, that is, because he picks the fishing task for some reason. So much for the South being a monolithic NASCAR stronghold. Jessica & John are the first team to actually get into one of the Rev it Up cars, with John driving and Jessica riding shotgun for their first run. John hits the gas and gets a slow start, which might be at least partly due to the fact that his back right wheel is totally immobilized as the car drags it through the mud. "Second gear just sucks!" he says obliviously. Jessica wonders if she'll even be able to do this, but John eventually figures out he has the parking brake on. He discovers that it's much easier without it. He should probably go with what works, then.
Connor and Dave are debating using the Express Pass after all, and agree to try fishing for five minutes before going ahead and pulling the trigger. Dirk the fisherman smarts off about Dave leaving his helmet on to fish, joking that the fish might jump up and get him. Very funny, Dirk, but I think Dave's done risking unnecessary injury. As for their progress with the task, not only are they not catching anything, but the weeds are also catching Connor.
John has gone back to the beginning to start over and an onscreen graphic charitably describes what we're about to see as "John 1st Run." He completes the run in 40 seconds and with 83 total seconds to burn, Jessica's going to have to do it in 43 or less. She doesn't quite make it, coming in at 44, so they both have to try again. Joey & Meghan arrive on their ATV and see this going on. When Max and Katie show up, he warns her that it might be clutch. Meghan has to tell Joey which of his pedals is which. "Off to a great start," he sings sarcastically. He gets off on his first run while Max & Katie are receiving their instructions. Joey laughs and squeals through his first attempt like he's losing a tickle fight and comes in at 46 seconds, not leaving much time for Meghan, He does tell her that she's doing a lot better than he did. In another lane, Max is starting his first run while Katie tells him to use less than half the time to make up for how much slower she'll probably be. Unfortunately for both of them, Max is spinning out all over the place at the turnaround, as though he's trying to invent automotive breakdancing. There's a nice neck-and-neck overhead shot of him and Meghan both driving back at the same time, almost as if this were an actual race. Meghan's time is also 46, putting Team YouTube's total time at 92 for their first try. Max comes back and finds out his time was 55.28. Katie says she's not going to be able to work with that, but she's off on her first run anyway as a formality-slash-practice exercise. Max coaches her through the gears as she interviews that she just learned to drive stick before the race. At least she's not trying to learn on the race, like far too many people in past seasons have. She kills the engine at one point and comes in with a total time of 108, which means she was still faster than Max. "We gotta trim some time," Max understates as they switch places back at the starting line. Yeah, about a quarter of it. Katie briefly suggests switching, but then they agree they can do it. And if not, they can maybe convince two other teams to quit with them?
Dave & Connor decide it's time to cut bait -- no pun intended -- and they hand Dirk their Express Pass so they can get out of here. Which I think makes them the shortest Express Pass holders in the history of the gimmick. The contents of the envelope from Dirk instruct them to drive themselves to Mt. Hutt Station to find their clue. Phil has nothing to add to that. They're still "Currently in 1st Place" as Connor says they need to at least win a leg. And then replace Dave's bad one with it?
John is walking Jessica through her gear changes on her second run. She came in at 40 seconds, giving John 43 to work with. But he brings it in at 38, with five seconds to spare. That makes them the first to actually complete the Detour, and they run to Flash to get the clue sending them to Mt. Hutt Station in second place.
Meghan peels out for her second run, which brings Team YouTube in at 82.1. Not bad; they're done with the Detour in third place. Katie finishes her third run at a total of 90 seconds, so she and Max are still not done. "I can do it under 41, you just need to," she tells him. "Who'd have thought you're the albatross of this?" Charming.
Pam has to have her seat scootched forward before she and Winnie can make their first try, and then she kills the engine anyway. Bates & Anthony, Caroline & Jennifer and Mona & Beth all arrive on their ATVs at about the same time. Anthony, Beth and Jennifer start off their first runs, Caroline telling her partner to give it a little more gas. "We're not gonna die," she assures her. Yes, it's not like there's traffic.
Chuck finds the fishermen waiting by the riverbank, because fishermen are really good at waiting for something that may or may not happen and also because nobody wants them. But soon he and Wynona each have lines in the water. Wynona explains that Chuck's a good fisherman and she sometimes goes out on the boat to watch. "So I'm not a complete idiot to this." Yikes, the only thing more boring than fishing is watching someone else fish. But she says she's hoping to get the first fish. I hope so, too. Anything to make her Chuck's teammate and not just his plus-one.
The country singers finish up in 108 seconds and they interview about how they don't have a lot of experience with manual transmissions, but they solved this problem by just keeping the car in first gear the whole time. Which I'm sure the owners appreciate. The hockey brothers come in two seconds long and head out on their second run. Mona switches with Beth, who did the course in 42 and drives it so hard she brings it in for a total of 81, making them the first team to complete this on the first attempt and the fourth place team overall. Do not underestimate derby girls, man. I have some derby friends and I have not underestimated them, which is why we're still friends.
You can also not underestimate Max, because he is impossible to underestimate. By which I mean that even on his fourth attempt, he's still spinning all over the goddamn place and flattening three cones on the return run. "You're killing us," Katie says helpfully. After the ads, she reports to the task judge as they trade places, "He sucks." She gets behind the wheel for her fourth try, like it's not academic.
Dave & Connor return to where they left their car near the river bank, and they seem confident in where they're going. Helps to have a map, looks like. Jessica & John consult a large outdoor map signboard before driving off in second place. And also before John gets in on the left side of the car and gets a fail-gong upon discovering there's no steering wheel there. "I hate when I do that," he laughs, getting out and running around to the other side. Joey & Meghan, then Mona & Beth drive off. Joey & Meghan have a minor disagreement about which way she should go, which Joey wins by singing, "Diva up in the fro-oont!" Jeez, turn it off for five seconds. You're starting to make me feel homophobic.
After Anthony's third run of 40.66, Bates is off for his third try and they bring it in at 80.19, allowing them to leave the Detour in fifth place. Max finishes his sixth run, his best one yet at 40.12. They're both confident that Katie can finish in the remaining time and indeed she does... barely. They are now in sixth place. Winnie, who we haven't seen for a while, is on her fifth try, and this time she and Pam succeed as well with a total time of 80.38, so they're in seventh place. Technically, they still did better than Max & Katie. I guess I should give Katie some credit for not being loudly embarrassed at being beaten in a driving task by a couple of Asian chicks.
Back at the riverbank, Chuck & Wynona each have a strike and they both land their fish. Dirk compares their length to a red plastic schoolroom ruler as though it's anywhere near as long as the fish, and Wynona throws hers back. "Aah, that was disgusting," she says, wiping her hands on her pants. Which I guess is why she normally watches Chuck fish rather than joining in.
Caroline is cheering Jennifer on as she takes off on her fourth run, telling her she's bad to the bone. The timekeeper cranks them into the finish, almost as excited as they are and tells them they did it in 82.01 seconds. The subtitles promote them to eighth place, even though Team Mullet already caught their fish. Southerners on this show are always telling us not to count them out, which I thought was paranoid, but now Chuck and Wynona failed to do so, too, and look what happened.
Bates & Anthony are back at their car, with Max & Katie right behind them. Max expresses his preference for the Focus over the car he was driving before, which I'm sure the Ford people appreciate. Winnie & Pam saddle up and then Chuck & Wynona, who now are in eighth place after all according to the subtitles. Represent!
Dave & Connor have already reached Mt. Hutt Station, which is marked by not only a big sign at the side of the road, but also a clue box. They get out and read the clue, which asks, "Who wants to keep their race from going to the dogs?" Which is one of those bits of alleged wordplay that is now so worn-out nobody even remembers what the original meaning was. We cut to a grassy hillside as Phil narrates, "This Roadblock requires teams to race through a muddy obstacle course known in New Zealand as a shemozzle." They'll put on rubber boots, a pair of white shorts known as "stubbies," and a vest made out of a burlap sack. Then, after choosing a shepherd and a dog to run with, they will sacrifice what little dignity they have left by climbing through a livestock trailer and getting covered in molasses, then crawling through a tunnel full of feathers, gathering chicken eggs along the way. At the end, they'll mount an inner tube and slide down a hill of plastic-lined hay bales into a small pond. After they've gathered twelve eggs, they'll receive their clue. Connor's doing this one, obviously. They run over to the obstacle course and Connor is given his bin of supplies. I just can't stop imagining what the word "shemozzle" would sound like being uttered by Snoop Dogg.
Out on the road, Jessica & John are realizing they went the wrong way. Caroline & Jennifer are in last place as they check the same map Jessica & John did. Careful about that, that didn't work out so well for them. Connor, looking even more absurd now in his shemozzle outfit than he did at the start of the leg with a ponytail on top of his head, picks out a shepherd and a dog to guide him through the course. He's led to the trailer, which he and the dog and shepherd crawl through, brushing under lengths of fabric dripping with molasses that gets smeared on all three of them "I have no idea what he's doing," Dave remarks. Connor comes out of there with a few eggs in hand, then crawls into the narrow nylon tunnel full of chicken feathers. His guides wisely give that one a miss. "Tarred and feathered!" Dave says when Chicken-Connor emerges. Coughing, Connor then climbs a stack of hay bales arranged in a pyramid and back down the other side. There's another stack beyond that, with inner tubes piled at the back. "I've got feathers coming out of every orifice in my body," Connor overshares. Dave asks us, "Could you imagine me doing this?" as he stumps along the sidelines on his crutches. No, especially this last part: with eggs held in both hands, Connor sits on an inner tube to ride a waterslide made of hay bales and plastic sheeting downhill before landing nimbly on his feet waist-deep in what he describes as a "manure pond." I think it's just muddy water, though. They count up his eggs -- of which there are five -- indicated on the screen by a bizarre cartoon graphic featuring a jet-farting chicken for some reason. Seven to go, so he's going around again. As everyone will have to do, unless someone lends them a carton to use.
The derby moms flag down another motorist to get directions to Mt. Hutt Station, which they write down in a notebook. One of those things more racers should pack.
Connor finishes his second run with another five eggs, so he's going back for a third run.
Tearing down the road past some flocks of sheep, Katie yells at Max to turn the car around, saying she saw a sign for Mt. Hutt Station pointing right. Max doesn't believe her and when he reluctantly turns around, they see it's a sign for Mt. Hutt Station Road and he whines at her for costing them almost a minute trying to avoid a mistake. Because there's no way Mt. Hutt Station Road could lead to Mt. Hutt Station. New Zealanders aren't that obvious. As usual when we see this kind of dysfunction between couples, we cut to a joint interview in which they try to justify it. Max explains that they both like to be in control. "I'm a warm-blooded Italian and she's a cold German and she thinks she knows everything." Katie confirms, "I'm 24, and I have my doctorate, and I'm a pharmacist, so I'm pretty much always right." So, in other words, they deserve each other. Carry on, newlyweds. Back on the road, Max has spotted a sign pointing to Mt. Hutt Ski Area and figures that must be where they're going. Katie points out that's different from Mt. Hutt Station, but it's moot because they've come up behind the hockey brothers and jump at the chance to pass them, whether they're going in the right direction or not. Bates & Anthony are content to follow them, which is their own damn fault. Time passes and soon both teams' cars are high up enough on the mountain that they're driving through clouds. Max offers to turn around, which Katie declines but says she doesn't have a good feeling about it. Behind them, Bates & Anthony are sensing something similar feelings, Bates worrying that they might run into an orc up here. They stop another motorist and get directions back down the hill to the main road and take a left. In other words, where Katie told Max to turn. And you can believe he hears about it. "You wasted at least a half an hour," she accuses. They're just like an old married couple, only not old or charming. I would say that it's possible they might get to a point where they've spent half their marriage on The Amazing Race, but I don't think they're going to last that long. In either sense.
Connor completes his third run with enough eggs to finish the Roadblock, and he and Dave get their clue telling them to drive themselves to a place called Terrace Downs. The grounds are spectacular in a helicopter shot as Phil says, "this world-renowned adventure retreat is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in here may be eliminated." He's there with a shepherd and a dog and not his dad, which is a little disappointing.
Jessica & John are in second place as they get to the clue box outside Mt. Hutt Station, and John thinks "this might be right up my alley." They cross paths with Dave and Connor in their respective cars and Dave tells Connor this means they have about a twenty-minute lead if not more, but that's all. Pam & Winnie and Chuck & Wynona, all of whom clearly made up quite a bit of time driving between tasks, are in third and fourth. Same for Caroline and Jennifer, as Caroline nominates Jennifer to keep her race from going to the dogs. Jennifer is going to regret that.
John is in his outfit and working his way through the Box. "John, what're you doing in there?" Jessica asks until he emerges, smeared in molasses. She tells him not to break any of the eggs. Winnie is working her way through the tunnel, and John splashes down at the bottom of the course with four intact eggs. He confirms with the judge that he needs to do it again and doesn't seem too upset about it.
Joey & Meghan reach the clue box in sixth place. Meghan says she'll just take it, as though Joey is starting to get on her nerves as well and when Mona and Beth get there in seventh place, Mona volunteers to do it. Jennifer takes her first run and as she wades out of the mud pond she got totally submerged in, Caroline laughs from the sidelines how she's leaving Beverly Hills behind. "She grew up in Beverly Hills," Caroline explains to us, pointing to her muddy, burlap-clad partner. Indeed, she doesn't look it right now. Chuck's not only having fun, he interviews that he passed most of the other teams on the course. Wynona adds that if she'd done it, they'd be there all day. I'm not sure if she ever plans to do a Roadblock or if they've just planned to run half the race. Chuck and then Winnie and then John splash down hard. Chuck's got four eggs, Winnie five and John a total of eight from his two trips so far. Walking back up the hill, Jennifer is pretty winded, but somehow finds breath to tell us that her dog for this task shares a name with her grandfather: Duke. Of course, Duke was just her grandfather's nickname. His real name was Marion Morrison, but he was better known as John Wayne. She figures it's a sign of good luck: if you're a name dropper, sure. Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't look old enough to have ever met the man, let alone remember him. But then she grew up in Beverly Hills, so that's a plus.
Katie is still "I told you so"-ing Max all the way to Mt. Hutt Station. The hockey brothers open their Roadblock clue in eighth place, leaving Max & Katie in last. John comes down on his last run, yelling as usual, and trips trying to wade out of the pond with his eggs in hand. Then when the judge counts up twelve, he flops on this back with his feet in the air for some reason, possibly to mime laying eggs of his own. Probably could have done without that. They're on their way to the Pit Stop, as John reads from the clue that the last team may be eliminated. We're fast running out of time for that, though.
Driving to the Pit Stop, Connor says this could be one of their last legs, now that they're "not as competitive" as the other teams. Dave says it's already been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Kind of sad to see a team getting the exit-edit when they're in the lead.
Anthony is geared up and picking a dog, Fitz. Katie's dressed and ready, too. Winnie finishes up with 12 eggs, so she and Pam are out of there in third place. Jennifer slides past Caroline (who yells, "You're so beautiful!") and then almost gets nailed by Anthony in the pond just before he warns, "Heads up!" She catches most of his splash in her face as it is. "That would have been terrible!" Caroline says. But the country singers are done with the Roadblock in fourth place. "Where the hell is Terrace Downs?" Caroline wonders.
It must be close to where Connor and Dave are now. Dave remarks from the back seat, "I don't think anyone's ever won a leg of the Amazing Race on crutches. This will be one for the history books." I certainly can't think of anyone else who has managed it, but then I haven't watched every season. Connor spots a sign pointing to Terrace Downs and soon they're making their way on foot (and on crutch) down a vast golfing green, Connor carrying both bags and Dave doing his alarming crutch-run-hop. They make it to the mat and the local welcomes them to Terrace Downs, "Canterbury, New Zealand." Phil introduces Tim the dog, but not the shepherd. He also tells them they're the first team to arrive and have won a trip to Bangkok that includes a Thai boxing class. Phil remarks that Dave might not be up for that last part for a while. And then he adds more seriously, "Guys, the race is still going. I have your clue." Wow, I don't think we've seen one of these this early in the season before. Usually it's nearer the end, when everyone's already worn out, feeling far from home and the legs are starting to run together anyway. Connor accepts the clue like it's a subpoena and when Phil asks if they're up for it, Dave says, "Uh, gotta focus on some recovery here." Then we hear him VO that he was thinking about dropping out, like we didn't already get his decision. "I honestly don't have any idea if we can keep going. This is the most frustrating thing." No, that would be the "To Be Continued" that pops up on the screen. That is so much more frustrating than a potentially race-ending injury.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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