In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Only the second leg and we're already bunching. Leaders Jessica and John begin their leg in the wee hours of the morning, only to learn that everybody's going to have to wait for the water taxis to their clue until 7:30 AM. While waiting, Dave and Connor talk to Jessica and John about the second Express Pass that, according to an arrangement agreed upon during the course of the leg, Team JJ (TM Meghan, grr) owes the father-son team. John only cares about keeping it quiet so all the other teams will still suck up to him for a while first.
When the leg begins, they take motorboats across the water to a wedding chapel at a nearby resort, where a priest gives them a blessing, some snorkel gear, and their clue. In the Detour, racers will have to either dive for oysters until they find two with red pearls inside, or don diving helmets to set up a picnic table on the ocean floor. Almost all of the teams opt to look for pearls, but Dave and Connor blow their early lead when they get all the way to the oyster field before realizing they didn't pick up their snorkel gear and have to go back to get it. Joey and Meghan end up finishing the task first, but the hockey brothers and Jessica and John and even Dave and Connor are breathing down their neck. The four of them end up pretty close together all the way to the Roadblock. Where, on a tiny island, one racer from each team has to kick a coconut down the beach on stilts. Hockey dude Anthony finishes first, with Connor right behind. A footrace to the Pit Stop ensues, which Bates and Anthony win. Connor's dad Dave seems to blow out his Achilles tendon on the final sprint, so he may be out of the race for good. Which of course is all about John and who he's going to give that second Express Pass to now.
After Joey and Meghan narrowly beat Chuck and a physically overtaxed Wynona to the mat to check in as teams four and five, there's still drama at the back half of the pack. Idries and Jamil, whose fear of water was pretty well established during the first leg, prove completely stymied by this Detour and its total lack of a dry-feet option. So much so that Jamil wants to quit and take the penalty almost on sight. Idries holds out, though, and the patheticness of their attempts to pearl-dive are overshadowed only by the self-destructiveness of their method. Meanwhile, roller derby moms Mona and Beth find success with the underwater picnic Detour option and end up as team number six, Pam and Winnie get lost trying to jet-ski to the Roadblock, and Max and Katie and Jennifer and Caroline start their leg an hour and forty-five minutes behind everyone else, thanks to the penalty those two teams took in the leg.
But the penalized teams rally, starting the leg with their hair on fire despite some lip service about working together, Beekman Boys/Team Grabbie-style. They also do the undersea picnic, then catch up to Pam and Winnie at the Roadblock. Former gymnast Caroline smokes both Max and Pam at this task, so she and Jennifer end up as team number seven, and Max and Katie are team number eight. Pam is running out of patience with the stilts by the time Idries and Jamil decide to belatedly switch Detours, find the diving helmets much more conducive to breathing, and finally get their clue. But the time the twins spent in the water proves insurmountable, as Pam and Winnie are the penultimate team and Idries and Jamil are Philiminated. So now they can go back to their OB/GYN practice and look forward to years of their patients teasingly asking them to do water births.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!This is French Polynesia," Phil informs us over what I trust are images of French Polynesia, "made up of more than one hundred breathtaking islands [and four ugly ones, I can't help mentally adding], including Bora Bora, known as the Pearl of the Pacific." Phil's coming to us from outside Motu Café on one of its beaches, a spot that coincidentally was both last week's Pit Stop and the start of this second leg. Jessica & John, having won the leg, are of course the first to depart at 2:56 AM. They rip open their clue by the light of their LED headlamps and read that they'll need to take a water taxi (I'm starting to think there's no other kind around here) to Motu Toopua Nui, the location of "the spectacular Hilton Bora Bora Nui." I can tell you this Hilton looks a lot different from others I've seen, consisting of not a giant block of rooms, but a maze of thatched-roof huts reaching out on a pier into the water. It's beautiful, all right, but I don't know how you're supposed to find the ice machine.
The racers will have to search the sprawling grounds for a wedding chapel to receive a blessing from a priest out back. Not a Catholic missionary either, but an impressive figure in red-feathered robes and headdress. John reads from the clue that the water taxi doesn't start running until 7:30 AM, which we viewers already knew from seeing the sign at the beginning of Phil's narration just now, but they're a little bummed at the certainty that they'll lose their lead. I'd also be bummed about being out of bed four and a half hours earlier than I needed to be, were it me. John reminds us that they won the two Express Passes during the leg, so he's going to enjoy seeing how that plays out. He says the first rule of the alliance that calls for them to give it to Dave & Connor is that the alliance doesn't officially exist. I think that's actually the second rule, but John seems almost hoping that somebody spills the beans so he won't have to hold up his end. "Loose lips sink ships," he says. In this case, they can conveniently let one off the hook, but that doesn't rhyme. They stroll over to the end of the dock with the water taxi sign announcing the beginning of service at 7:30 AM. They figure that all the teams will be here by then. So I take it they don't know about how Max & Katie and Jennifer & Caroline took the four-hour penalty, then.
After the Bora Bora sunrise, which you will be shocked to learn is spectacular, most of the teams are indeed on the pier waiting for the boat together. Dave comes over and heartily congratulates Jessica & John as a pretext for him and Connor to talk about the pact. John reminds us that they were in a five-team alliance consisting of these two teams, plus the twin OB/GYNs Idries & Jamil, best friends Pam & Winnie and the mulletastic Chuck & Wynona. As we saw in the previouslies, the purpose of the alliance was for whoever won the first leg to give the second of the two Express Passes they would win to whoever in that group was to check in, which was Dave & Connor. John assures them that they're still cool, but warns them to keep it quiet or else "the whole contract becomes null and void." Which he's only saying because he wants all the other teams to suck up to him in hopes of scoring the extra Express Pass. At least he admits it, if only to the interview cameras. Connor interviews that this is a ridiculous argument and John says it's a race, not an honesty competition. He adds that their word is their bond, but they won't give you their word. Um, okay.
The other teams from the first flight join the little group, so Dave loudly remarks about the "first flight fraternity," loud enough for the teams in the "sloppy seconds fraternity" (my name, not theirs) to overhear. Way to keep it on the down low. Meghan remarks on Dave & Connor whispering to Jessica & John, and Mona & Beth interview about all the other teams sucking up to them as well. One of the derby moms, Mona, tells us about how sucking up isn't her nature. But then when Jessica comes up to be sucked up to, Mona introduces herself and tells her that she and Beth have been calling them Abercrombie & Fitch because they're so gorgeous. Wow, not sucking up turns out to be something she sucks at. Joey & Meghan interview that they aren't playing and then, to their credit, are not immediately seen playing. Bates & Anthony, the hockey-playing brothers, interview about how they'll need to look out for Jessica & John with their Express Passes and all, but also that Jessica & John will need to look out for them.
Soon water taxis are motoring toward the dock at 7:30 AM to pick up the first eight teams. After last week's leg, which exposed their phobia of water for all to see, Idries and Jamil aren't looking forward to getting back on a boat, even bigger ones like this. And even though every team gets its own boat, so it's not like crowding will be a problem. On the second-place water taxi, Bates & Anthony run down the missing teams: the country singers and Team Newlywed, who quit the second Roadblock and took the penalty; and firefighters Matt & Daniel, who, we're reminded by an onscreen graphic, did the same and were eliminated. On the third-place boat, Dave tells their driver to pass the hockey players, and we're reminded again in a solo interview from Dave that they've both beaten cancer, especially Connor. Anthony has his own story of medical adversity to share, as he explains to the interview camera how he got hit in the face with a puck. He obligingly pops his teeth out to show off the damage. "I need rope as dental floss right now," he quips. Idries & Jamil talk about how they have an advantage from their years of experience in staying calm while sleep-deprived. That's actually a good point and we'll see if it's true. If they can ever get off this island, that is.
The first few teams are dropped off at the resort's dock and they run onshore in search of the chapel, though not all in the same direction. Chuck all but drags Wynona up the hill as she interviews about how they're "old as dirt" and apologizes to him for being a sucky partner. The first team to find the chapel -- which seems to be less the tiny white building than the grounds behind it overlooking the Pacific -- is Connor & Dave. The priest performs a little blessing on them and hands them their first-place clue, which is for a Detour. Suddenly Phil's out on a dock explaining that the Detour will have racers searching the Pacific "for two things that are treasured by the French Polynesian people." The entire Pacific?
For "Pick a Pearl," racers will have to go half a mile offshore and dive for oysters that are hung on lines underwater. Topside, they'll have to open the oysters until they find two red pearls, then swim to a guy waiting in a nearby canoe and claim their clue from him. For "Take a Trunk," they'll put on a diving helmet and recover a trunk from a pile of them sitting on the ocean floor. Then they'll have to carry it over to one of the underwater umbrellas standing nearby, unpack the trunk and use its contents to construct a little picnic table, complete with tablecloth, place settings and wine glasses. So the French Polynesian people treasure pearls and... dinner? Suddenly Phil is at one of these underwater tables wearing one of these helmets, as he says, "Once they have everything in its proper place, the waiter will hand over their clue." And there the waiter is, wearing scuba gear and carrying a covered tray that he opens to reveal a clue. Dave & Connor decide to go with Pick a Pearl. Jessica & John are the to get their clue and as they take their leave of the priest, Bates says to them, "Congratulations, you guys just get married?" "Ha ha, not quite," John panic-laughs. Clearly this is going to be A Thing all season. Both these teams also opt for Pick a Pearl and we hear one of them reading aloud from the clue, "For both Detours, pick up your water shoes and snorkeling gear before going down to your water taxi," which is a certain sign that somebody's going to fail to do that. Indeed, Dave & Connor are already cutting across paths (and the carefully tended hedges dividing them), having left the gear behind with their names written on shells to it. The other two teams manage to follow directions, though.
Still trying to get up the hill, Chuck asks Wynona, half-jokingly, if she wants to get on his shoulders. Joey & Meghan also decide to do Pick a Pearl. Mona & Beth -- worried that opening oysters might prove tricky -- decide to go with Take a Trunk instead. Pam & Winnie are going with Pick a Pearl. So are Idries and Jamil. I thought they'd pick the one where they wouldn't have to hold their breath, but I guess they'd rather do something where they figure they can finish up and get back out of the water as quickly as possible. Which, we're about to see how that works out for them. Chuck & Wynona accept their blessing and their clue before deciding on Pick a Pearl. They're now in eighth place or last place if you only count the teams who finished the leg.
Dave & Connor are on the water taxi, feeling confident and prepared and happy to be in first place, because they don't know yet that they've foolishly left their gear behind. In the boat right behind them, Anthony decides he should take his teeth out to snorkel. That does seem like a no-win proposition. One generally uses one's teeth to help hold one's snorkel in place, but on the other hand one doesn't want to lose them in the ocean and have one's hunt for pearls turn into a hunt for one's pearly whites. Joey says something to Meghan about using his muscles or his own teeth to crack open the oysters if necessary, as the first of several boats pull up to the oyster field. Now Connor thinks to wonder where their snorkel and fins are and he calls across the water to ask Jessica & John where they got theirs, which of course was back at the chapel, like everyone else. Connor interviews about having gone from first to last in a matter of minutes. "We screwed up big time," Dave says, a remark which is not a screw-up at all.
The other three teams who actually came prepared -- Bates & Anthony, Jessica & John and Joey & Meghan -- jump in and start diving for pearls. It's deeper than I thought, maybe twenty feet or so, but they don't have to go all the way to the bottom. There are, like, long underwater clotheslines they have to get to, with strings of shells hanging several feet below them, but the top of each string is only six or eight feet below the surface. I'm not sure Dave & Connor even need masks, snorkels and fins to do this. Bates & Anthony interview about how it was tough but amazing, and working together helped. "Even with our brains, two are better than one," Bates says with what is quickly becoming their trademark self-deprecation. Beth & Mona are delivered to the "Take a Trunk" area nearby and are quickly fitted with dive helmets as they lower themselves into the water. The first one down is a little scared at first, but calms herself by watching the fish and stingrays going by. Her partner joins her and they talk about how communication is key in roller derby: "When you're on the track and skating, it is happening so fast and it's happening while people are hitting you." I can think of a few episodes of this show that might have been improved with a little hitting. Here, they manage to communicate nonverbally through the process of dragging the trunk over to the umbrella area. One day I hope to see Bora Bora's undersea umbrellas with my own eyes.
The batch of three teams -- Idries & Jamil (one of whom narrates, "Just getting in the water, it was just so deep and it was everywhere"), Pam & Winnie and Chuck & Wynona -- begin the pearl task, each team working its own area. Although Wynona seems to be more or less sitting this one out, because Chuck's the better swimmer. Also not swimming together are Joey & Meghan, who have devised an efficient new system where Joey throws lines of oysters onto the boat, where Meghan pries the shells open. Plus this way she can tell him to go back for more as soon as she comes up empty, which she seems to be doing a lot.
Dave & Connor run back to the chapel and get their snorkel stuff -- upset about their mistake -- and tell their water taxi driver to go as fast as he can. Like it's his fault.
Only one of the twins is in the water, still holding onto the ladder, when he says they need to quit and take a penalty. The other one insists they try: "There are two choices. It's six hours. No way, no way." He wants to give it at least five minutes before quitting, but his brother isn't even up for that much. And yes, I know I should be making some effort to learn which of them is which. It wouldn't even be as hard as last season with Natalie and Nadiya, because these guys wear their beards slightly differently. On the other hand, the way things are going for them, I'm not sure it's worth spending the time.
Meghan says she's opened up fifty oysters there on the boat, although I'm not sure why she has her mask and snorkel back on. Maybe she just thinks they make her look cool, in which case she is mistaken. Jessica & John haul a few lines aboard together and Meghan is the first to find a red pearl. Only one to go. Idries is still trying to persuade Jamil to do the Detour. Jessica and John find their first red pearl and Jamil is insisting they bail rather than waste any more time not doing it. Frustrated, Idries seems to agree and sits down on the boat's seat. "We're done," he says. I don't know, tasks seem to be more or less optional this season.
After the ads, though, Idries is still holding out for giving it a try, because he'd rather go down swinging. Or, as the case may be, go down trailing bubbles.
On the water taxi back to the oyster field, Connor exposits to Dave that they're still ahead of the two teams who never showed up this morning. Speaking of whom, the newlyweds Max & Katie and the blonde country singers Jennifer & Caroline finally join the episode, ten and eleven minutes before their respective starting times. Looking at the 7:30 sign, Katie points out that all the teams ahead of them would have had to wait, cutting their lag time from four hours to one and a half. So effectively, they got a penalty of less than two hours, and got to sleep later. The saying is that quitters never win, but this show just gave them an advantage.
Connor and then Dave finally get into the water. I do hope they find that snorkeling gear invaluable, although given that this isn't all that far out, maybe they only lost ten minutes or so. Pam & Winnie are having a little trouble, not being fans of the ocean in the first place and then accidentally overloading themselves with more shells than they can easily swim back to the boat with. Wynona keeps offering to join Chuck in the water, because he's both diving and opening them by himself without even bothering to swim back to the boat. As a result, he's a little too busy to answer, so she goes ahead and jumps in, to her credit. Chuck seems fully prepared to straight-up drag her around the world if need be, just for the chance to run the race, but I get the sense she would rather pull her own weight, whether she actually can or not. Dave & Connor find their first red pearl without ever getting out of the water, but Joey & Meghan have their second one by now. She jumps out of the boat, so she and Joey can swim over to the guy waiting in the canoe. Jessica & John also find their second pearl. "Be very careful, it's worth a million dollars," John tools. Bates & Anthony also have a complete pair, although Anthony is having sinus pain from the diving. "Must be [those] giant nose hairs," Bates says helpfully. Chuck & Wynona have found one, as have Pam & Winnie. But Joey & Meghan have already gotten their clue and are in first place by the time they swim back to their water taxi to open it. "Make your way by personal water craft to Motu Tapu," it reads. The aforementioned jet-skis (yes, I know Jet-Ski™ is a registered trademark of Kawasaki, so sue me) are anchored nearby and the racers will have to swim to those as well, where they'll find a "local map" -- actually a sodden scrap of fabric with a few green blobs and a red X painted on it -- tied to the handlebars. They're supposed to use this to navigate to Motu Tapu, which Phil tells us is "the most photographed isle in the South Pacific," probably because it's small enough that the entire island fits inside one shot. And it's where they'll find their clue. Joey & Meghan jump back in the water, while Dave & Connor find their second red pearl and just like that are back in the running. As they read their clues aboard their respective boats, Jessica & John are in second, Bates & Anthony are in third and Dave & Connor are in fourth. They all jump back off their boats to get to their jet-skis. Poor Idries & Jamil. If they ever finish this Detour, all that awaits them is yet more swimming.
One of the twins announces to the other that he's going to try to actually execute a dive. That does seem like the most likely way to fish out items suspended a couple of yards below the surface, at least when lacking any kind of tool that would be useful in this situation, like a pool skimmer or a roof rake or an Ohio-class nuclear submarine. Meanwhile, Pam finds her and Winnie's second pearl. And at this point, Idries and Jamil are collecting their shells from the submerged lines, but they're doing it one at a time rather than in clumps. As if this task weren't already difficult enough. They might as well find their red pearls using X-ray vision, the way this is going. Pam & Winnie are now in seventh place, having passed the twins, who in turn are now in last place among the teams not currently working to come back from a time penalty. That Express Pass would sure come in handy right about now, wouldn't it?
Team Newlywed and the country singers are back in their boats to leave the Hilton. One of the blondes has already ditched the sparkly turquoise headband she was wearing as flair at the beginning of her leg just moments ago. "Screw the sparklies," she says wisely, which coincidentally would have been an excellent tagline for TAR20 with Rachel & Brendon. Meanwhile, Max & Katie are talking about how their alliance of convenience with their fellow ass-draggers is a sham, and how sure they are that the blondes feel the same way. "It's us or them."
We come back to Max commenting at further length about how the country singers are actually out for their blood, which is a little projection on his part, but not a lot.
Pam & Winnie get on their jet-ski and head out, glad that they're A) out of the water and B) now ahead of the twins, who manage to get their entire oyster to their boat and, after careful examination, conclude that there's nothing in it. Oy, this is like watching my eight-year-old pack-rat son clean his room.
The lead teams arrive at Motu Tapu and wade ashore, with Joey and Meghan still narrowly in first place. Meghan does me the solid of dubbing Jessica & John "Team JJ" and they quickly open their clue, aware the other teams are right behind them. This one is a Roadblock. Cut to Phil standing on yet another beach, this one populated by with locals on stilts in the background, because a sandy beach is the ideal environment for stilt-walking. He tells us, "Teams must now test their athletic abilities by balancing on stilts, part of a traditional Polynesian game that's been used to test a man's strength for centuries." Centuries? Jeez, give that man a rest already. If he hasn't proved himself by now, he never will. Anyway, each racer doing the Roadblock will have to use their stilts not only to walk thirty-five yards down the beach, but kick a coconut along as they go. If they fall off, they can leave their coconut where it is but have to go back to the beginning and stump back to where they left off. Once they're done, Phil says they can go straight to the Pit Stop, where "the last team to check in here may be eliminated." Joey decides to do this. John reads the clue question, "Who's a well-balanced individual?" So Jessica takes it, as do Connor and Anthony. They all get started on it, having to wear crowns, leg-bands and arm-bands made of palm fronds as they do so. And of course there's the obligatory hula ensemble performing throughout. It's also worth mentioning that the stilts aren't just poles with footholds; the foot of each one has part of a coconut shell affixed to it like a cup to prevent the end from sinking too deeply into the sand. It's the same concept used on moon missions to keep the feet of the landers from disappearing into the lunar soil, so I assume this is where NASA got the idea.
Pam & Winnie are floating on their idling water craft in the middle of the water, realizing that they're lost and that they're going to have to go back. They joke about getting so lost that they'd end up jet-skiing back to California across the South Pacific. Wow, I just realized that Life of Pi could have been so much shorter.
On board the last two water taxis, Max is still reminding Katie that they have to beat the other team. I'm a little surprised to see that both teams are doing "Take a Trunk," but then I guess they've had a noseful of needle/haystack tasks for one island. I'm surprised to hear that Caroline has not only never seen a diving helmet before, she is also entirely unfamiliar with the concept. What kind of "pioneer spirit" is that? Katie interviews about how uncomfortable it was, because her greatest strength is rapidly revealing itself to be complaining. But the blondes talk about how it was kind of like James Bond. Except that the James Bond of Skyfall would have been able to complete this task without a diving helmet.
The derby moms get to the Roadblock clue in fifth place, while Chuck is trying to hurry Wynona up to join him. Beth and Chuck are doing this, because Beth and Mona are both used to being on skates, while Chuck has the long, powerful legs of someone who runs up and down the endless aisles of Wal-Mart for a living. The retail juggernaut may be forcing small businesspeople out of local markets, but it's doing great things for their quads.
On the beach of Motu Tapu, the coconut-racers are spreading out a bit. Anthony is in the lead, but Connor is making him work for it. Jessica's farther back and Joey just keeps falling off. Anthony's the first to make it across the finish line, with Connor only seconds behind. Both of them collect their partners and go running off together in search of the Pit Stop. All they know is that it's somewhere on this island, but this island is smaller than quite a few other Pit Stop locations where racers have been expected to "search the grounds." Jessica finishes goes haring off in pursuit with John. Meanwhile, the four members of the two lead teams are pounding through the trees like a chase scene from Lost, at least until Dave yells, "I just ruptured my Achilles!" He has to slow to a limp, saying, "I'm out. It's gone," as Bates & Anthony complete their run to the mat, which is positioned on a sandy point in front of Phil and a female greeter in a sarong. Dave eventually joins the others there, though, somehow. Phil waits another minute for Jessica & John to roll up before telling Bates & Anthony (the latter of whom is currently still toothless) that they're team number one, Dave & Connor are team number two and Jessica & John are team number three. Bates & Anthony have won a trip to London. Bates calls Antony Prince William and I can see the resemblance, although Anthony points out, "I gotta put my teeth in first." Whereas without them, he could be just any Brit. Phil notices that Connor looks a little upset. Connor seems to blame himself for pushing his dad, who seems pretty certain that his Achilles tendon is indeed ruptured. Although he seems to be standing there just fine, so maybe it's not as bad as he thinks. At least Connor is still hoping for the best. This of course is mostly relevant to Jessica & John, who were supposed to give the second Express Pass to Dave & Connor, but if Dave's out, they now have more options. In other words, John gets to look forward to receiving more sucking up. The Express Pass is probably the last thing on Dave's mind as Connor helps him walk down the beach, presumably on the way to see a doctor.
Idries or Jamil retrieves what can't possibly be only their second oyster, but ends up dropping it to the ocean floor. With their luck, it was one of the ones with a pearl inside. He comes up panting for breath, badly enough that one of the rescue swimmers hanging out in scuba gear has to come out and take hold of him, after most of them have done a pretty strong job of staying out of the shot. At least the guy's French accent is reassuring; if you're floundering in the ocean and need help, it must be nice if the guy providing it sounds like Jacques Cousteau.
Joey keeps falling off his stilts at the beginning of the course, which as you can imagine is impeding his progress somewhat. Beth's doing a little better, but Chuck is the to finish the Roadblock. Joey's and Meghan rushes him out of there, telling Joey that they can beat Chuck & Wynona. It's a footrace across the island and Team YouTube easily outdistances Wynona, if not Chuck, and are team number four. Chuck & Wynona are team number five and Chuck kisses Wynona happily. I'm actually starting to like them. Sure, she's deadweight, but they don't seem dysfunctional about it. But then in a post-leg interview she compares Joey to Richard Simmons, so now I'm not so sure.
Pam & Winnie are still trying to navigate. Winnie interviews, "Pam and I grew up really Asian-American, so I think our biggest fear is our fear of failure." The Amazing Race: using Asian Americans to reinforce Asian-American stereotypes since 2012. Pam adds that they didn't have terribly supportive parents; "It was more like, 'What's wrong with your hair? Stop getting pimples!'" Alas, that appears to have done little to prepare them to navigate a South Pacific Archipelago on a personal water craft in their underwear.
Under the ocean, Jennifer & Caroline are working together, silently by necessity. I would have thought that being bandmates means they have a lot of experience with nonverbal communication on the stage, but I guess their absent brunette member handles all that. Max admits to having been nervous, while Katie claims to have been enjoying herself looking for Nemo. Despite having started the Detour after the other team, the Newlyweds actually finish and return to their boat first. But not long before. Soon both teams are swimming for the jet-skis, now in eighth and ninth place respectively. Yes, that leaves Idries & Jamil officially in last place, still fishing up one oyster at a time. None of the handful they've retried has a red pearl in it. They interview about growing up and witnessing the struggles of their single mother, which means they can never give up either. In other words, it's time to give up on this and try the other Detour.
Meanwhile, Pam & Winnie are still lost, trying to figure out which way they're supposed to be holding the map. They're mad at themselves for screaming off in a random direction without making a plan until it was too late. The bright side is that this is a mistake they probably won't make again, one way or the other. After the ads, though, Pam points to the verrrry edge of the map where they are now and figures that they know where they're going now. I don't know how, because it's not like there are street signs out here, but whatever.
Beth seems to have found her rhythm and she and Mona run to the Pit Stop and become team number six. They probably aren't going to be starting a stilt derby league any time soon. But I suddenly kind of hope someone does.
Max & Katie take off on their jet-skis, hoping to leave Caroline and Jennifer far behind. The latter team ends up tearing off in hot pursuit.
Idries & Jamil are now doing the treasure chest challenge like I thought they should in the first place and are amazed to discover that the provided diving helmets allow them to breathe underwater. I have to assume that the clue describing the Detour options left that part out, which is the only explanation for why they avoided this one in the first place. In fact, they seem to quickly figure this out and even have a little fun doing it. They just need to remember to keep their diving helmets on. If they do that, the water won't come in.
Pam & Winnie finally get to Motu Patu and between the two of them, Pam claims to be the more well-balanced individual. She at least has the lower center of gravity. She mounts the stilts, claiming, "It's just like wearing heels," and quickly falls off. So I assume she doesn't spend much time in heels. Winnie advises her from the sidelines not to fall off and is about to explain why until Pam yells back, "Stop talking, Winnie!" and puts her palm crown back on with as much dignity as she can manage, which under the circumstances is not a great deal.
Katie & Max make it to the island, with Max & Caroline taking it for their respective teams. They're pretty glad to see another team still here, as Pam is still at it. Caroline seems to be in her gymnastic element, while Max keeps "kicking" his coconut so hard he falls down every time he swings a stilt at it and Pam can't seems to do the stilts at all. In fact, Caroline is the to finish and they're off to the Pit Stop in seventh place.
Idries & Jamil finally get their Detour clue at long last, aware that they're in tenth and last place as they climb the ladder back to the boat. They're still hoping for either problems for other teams ahead of them or a non-elimination leg, because what else can they do? I don't think it's a spoiler to say that one of their wishes has already been granted, but the question of whether it's going to be enough still remains.
Jennifer says that either the view or the greeter is beautiful (correct on both counts, actually) as she and Caroline make it to the mat, where Phil is pleased to tell them they're team number seven. "Lucky number seven!" Caroline celebrates. That is indeed lucky. They started this leg in last place, and if Max and Pam didn't suck at stilts, and if Pam & Winnie hadn't gotten lost, and if Idries & Jamil could swim, that's where they'd still be. I hope they've learned their lesson.
Pam keeps falling off her stilts and Katie says of Max from the sidelines, "Caroline just kicked his ass, so that's pretty embarrassing for him." Not until you said so, lady. Pam sits down and asks for a Band-Aid and as Winnie comes over to talk to her, we get a nice close-up shot of the split, sand-encrusted blister on her foot. Now in HD! Katie is now squatting just beyond the finish line to provide motivation for Max. "There's my girl," he grins from atop his stilts and interviews that it helped to see her there and think, "I have got to get this done." "Or I'll kill you," Katie adds. "Or you'll kill me," he agrees. Wow, the honeymoon is already over even before it's over. Pam & Winnie watch him finish. "And they just beat us and that's really embarrassing," Winnie tells Pam helpfully. Team Newlywed runs right to the mat and becomes team number eight, which is only the case because Pam & Winnie can't do stilts or navigation and Idries & Jamil can't swim. I hope they've learned their lesson too.
Pam gets back to it and Winnie remarks to us that if there's a team behind them, they're not even here yet, which I think means that it doesn't seem likely that there's a team behind them. Which normally would be the case. Pam gets to where she last left her coconut and... falls off again. "I feel like an idiot!" she says.
Idries & Jamil board their jet-ski and roar across the water. Are they actually going to catch up?
Pam is getting increasingly frustrated at the stilt task. "I'm not going to give up. I'm just really tired," she assures us. Finally she manages to kick-drag the coconut across the finish line and she and Winnie make it to the mat. Phil makes them wait, saying, "Pam & Winnie..."
"..."
"...You are at the back of the pack but you are still in the race and you are team number nine!" They jump up and down in excitement and disbelief that another team actually sucked more than they did today.
Idries & Jamil make it to the Roadblock at last and at this point it doesn't matter which of them is doing it. He gets through it with lots of dissolve edits that indicate this is all academic anyway and more about not giving up than actually winning. When they make it to the mat, they are, unsurprisingly, Philiminated. And now I don't have to learn to tell them apart after all. They interview about having given their best effort and admit to Phil that their biggest fear was the water. "From start to finish, that's what killed us." Not that their start and finish were all that far apart. They go limping off the beach with the palm fronds still wrapped around their limbs. After this, I just hope every patient they have asks them to assist with water births.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.