In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Eleven teams start the race from Los Angeles: bemulleted taxidermist and wife Chuck & Wynona from Alabama; Bates & Anthony, a pair of professional hockey-playing brothers with two front teeth between them; roller derby moms Mona & Beth; newlyweds and evil-genius wannabes Max & Katie; father/son cancer survivors Dave & Connor; longtime dating couple Jessica & John; twin doctors Idries & Jamil; best friends Pam & Winnie; Joey & Meghan, who are apparently YouTube-famous; firefighters Matt & Daniel, who are also best friends; and country-singer bandmates Caroline & Jessica. On the roof of the Griffith Observatory, Phil tells all of them that the winner of this leg will win two Express Passes -- one to use themselves, and another to give to another team. Let the race, and the politicking, begin!
The teams split up on the usual two flights out of LAX, this time heading to Bora Bora. While changing planes in Tahiti, Idries and Jamil propose to the other five teams on the first flight (Chuck & Wynona, Dave & Connor, Jessica & John, and Winnie & Pam) that whoever wins the leg should give the other Express Pass to whomever comes in second of that group. They all agree, and everyone proceeds to Bora Bora. There, rankings for the first half of the leg are determined solely by who can get their names on a clipboard the fastest, as they sign up to send one partner skydiving from a helicopter ten thousand feet above the island. After John, Jamil, Connor, Winnie, and Chuck accomplish this and meet back up with their respective partners on the ground in that order, they head to a beach where a Double Roadblock requires the opposite partner to search beneath 400 small sandcastles for a clue buried underneath. Your classic needle-haystack task, with the added wrinkles that 1) every destroyed sandcastle needs to be rebuilt, and 2) it's hotter than hell on that beach.
Jessica is the first to find a clue, which means she and John stay in first place as they go on up the beach to put together an outrigger canoe. Which they then paddle for a mile to find Phil and win their two Express Passes. When the second flight lands in Bora Bora with the remaining six teams, Mona manages to get herself in last place by messing up with the sign-up sheet, so that's not good for the derby moms. On the other hand, one of the other teams on the second flight, Bates and Anthony, end up being the ones to find a clue under a sandcastle and jump to second place, a position they hold all the way to the mat. Dave finds a clue after digging deeper, so he and Connor get third place, cementing their claim on that second Express Pass (or so they believe; there are indications it might not actually play out that way). Mona & Beth, the last team to reach the sandcastle task, are the fourth team to leave it, and they end up checking in as team number five, having been passed by Pam & Winnie at some point. Joey works my last nerve as he and Meghan twee their way into sixth place. Idries, the second person to start the second Roadblock, is the seventh person to finish it. And then he and Jamil flip their canoe on the way to the Pit Stop, get passed by Chuck and Wynona (team number seven), and become team number eight.
That leaves three teams still struggling at the sandcastles, and they're all totally over it. Max & Katie propose that they all quit and take the four-hour time penalty, letting the end of the leg come down to the final race to the Pit Stop. Matt & Daniel think the other teams are playing right into their hands, what with all the extensive canoeing experience they've amassed back home in South Carolina. But it turns out that burly American firefighters and narrow Polynesian canoes are not a good combination, as they flip their craft repeatedly, allowing Max & Katie and Caroline & Jennifer to end up in ninth and tenth, respectively. Yes, both those teams will have a four-hour deficit to overcome at the start of the leg, but at least they're still in the race. Unlike Matt & Daniel, whose agony of defeat moments close out the episode by being played back again, and again, and again.
And again.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Phil kicks off the 22nd (!) season by intoning, "This is Los Angeles." As if it would be anywhere else. Over b-roll of famous landmarks like the Santa Monica Pier and the Pacific Ocean -- not technically a landmark, I know -- he goes on, "Once a desolate valley, it is now the most populated county in the United States." Not that this stops parts of it from being a desolate valley anyway. "And in the hills surrounding this City of Angels, world-famous tourist attractions. Including the Griffith Observatory, a window to the stars." See what Phil did there? We see him on the grounds outside the familiar (to me at least, having not only been there, but also having seen Yes Man) domed structure as he concludes, "Built in the 1930s, this cultural and scientific icon will now serve as the starting line in a race around the world." Good, because with all the smog and light pollution from the city below, I can't imagine it's worth a damn as an observatory any more.
On cue, the copter-cam swings around and down the hill to zero in on this season's teams, getting themselves to the Starting Line under their own steam for once. They're jogging up the dirt path to the observatory in pairs as Phil goes on, "These eleven new teams now have their chance to win one million dollars and The Amazing Race." As they're on the final climb, which will take on Sisyphean dimensions over the course of the sequence that's about to begin, Phil starts introducing the teams. "Chuck and Wynona, married fifteen years from Daphne, Alabama." Chuck is rocking a gigantic curly mullet in 2012, which is even more amazing given that his wife is a hairdresser. Letting him leave the house like that is tantamount to malpractice. Footage of the two of them hanging out in their driveway with ATVs and alligator skins does nothing to dispel his claim that they're "a cross between redneck and country." What a study in contrasts they must be. She supposedly cuts his hair in the same driveway, as he claims that his "Samson hair" is the source of his power. He'd better be pretty powerful, then, because he looks ridiculous. Furthermore, the interior of their home proves to be full of dead animals, as Chuck is something of an obsessive taxidermist who has covered every square inch of wall with the mortal remains of living creatures he has killed, eaten, mounted and presumably shat out. Okay, so maybe he's kind of powerful.
Bates and Anthony are brothers and pro hockey players from North Carolina. Getting all the hockey hair guys out of the way early, I see. They interview that playing hockey requires one to be mentally and physically ready for anything, just like the race does. I predict they finish eighth. "Plus we're super good-looking, too," grins Anthony, the one with shorter hair, as he shows off a big old gap where his front teeth used to be. The Amazing Editors emphasize this striking feature with an ironic tooth-twinkle effect lest you miss it, which you wouldn't have.
Phil describes Mona and Beth as "working moms," as if there's another kind (though, admittedly, I don't watch any variety of Real Housewives). They're from Colorado and both mothers of three. Over shots of them walking and frolicking in the autumn leaves with their offspring, Beth says they're stereotypical soccer moms with "a little secret," which is when we cut to them jamming on the roller derby track. They seem confident in kicking all of the ass on the race as well. But I think their "little secret" is out.
Max and Katy are newlyweds from Buffalo, New York. How newlywed? They've been married three weeks and this is essentially their honeymoon. Max says it's not ideal, but I can't imagine planning a more interesting honeymoon for myself. They seem intent on claiming the spot as this season's "intense and competitive" team, although competition for that honor is almost always intense and competitive.
Dave and Connor are a father and son (respectively) team from Salt Lake City, Utah. They're also both cancer survivors; Dave prostate and Connor testicular. Their intro reel shows them both riding bicycles a lot, though, so we can assume they've both gotten better, even if Connor's hair hadn't grown back to a spectacular level of floppiness. They get pretty emotional, especially Dave, and Connor talks about how he's gotten back into professional bike racing and learned that every day is a gift. I suspect there are some in the past few years he wishes he'd kept the receipt for, though.
Meet Jessica and John. They're a dating couple from Southern California and look like it, with their intro reel showing them on the beach and surfing. John says they've been dating four years and Jessica says it's more like a hundred. Clearly someone is hoping for another proposal on the race. And not just Jessica, though she's clearly at the front of the line.
Idries and Jamil are OB/GYNs and identical twins, which isn't weird at all. We see them both conducting an ultrasound on some mother-to-be, which must seem a little surreal to her even if she never saw Dead Ringers. Apparently, they do everything together, up to and including surgery. Now I'm creeped out.
Pam and Winnie are best friends from Los Angeles, which so far appears to be their entire hook. They claim to be unafraid of anything, since they apparently do circus stuff in their free time. Winnie claims they're not looking for love. I suspect that's because she's already found it and its name is Pam.
I try not to hate Joey and Megan the moment Phil introduces them as "YouTube sensations" from Los Angeles, but it's going to be a struggle. Especially when Joey insists that they're not just cute, although he knows they are, but also competitive. "Team Cute activate!" Megan says, and they throw their gang sign. I am not using "Team Cute." Also, I have officially lost my struggle and I now hate them.
Matt and Daniel are best friends and firefighters from Gaffney, South Carolina. They've been best friends since age five and have been on the same truck crew for the past six years. Somehow The Amazing Race cameras are allowed to join them at a fire and everything, which is either an unprecedented level of access or total bullshit.
This season's blondes are Caroline and Jennifer are from Nashville, so of course they're country singers like everyone else who lives there. They plug their band Stealing Angels, which is actually a threesome, so the brunette member had to stay home. They threaten to flirt on the race if necessary, which always works and unlike Winnie, they are looking for love. That might slow them down on the race a smidge.
So that's everyone. They make it to the observatory on the hilltop and up the outside stairs to the roof, where Phil is, naturally, waiting for them. They line up in front of him in the familiar crescent formation so Phil can announce, "In just a few minutes, you will be heading to a spectacular tropical paradise that we've never been to before. And when you're there, you'll be taking part in a thrilling challenge that will literally take your breath away." He adds that the winners of this leg will win not only an Express Pass for themselves, but another one to give to another team. "If you win this leg, you will have the power to determine who gets ahead and who gets left behind." They'll have to decide who to give it to before the end of the fourth leg. So unlike last season, the winner makes friends instead of enemies. Remember how Abbie and Ryan's victory in the first leg put them and them alone in the running for a two-million-dollar prize? And how that quickly had them targeted for elimination by not only most of the other teams, but also by the Frankfurt International Airport? Good times. As usual, Phil warns them that most of them will be eliminated, but the team that gets to the final leg and reaches the Finish Line first wins the race and one million dollars. I always hope this is going to be news to someone, but that's not the case tonight. The first clue? It's inside one of the small fleet of product-placed sedans parked down below. Phil raising his hand and people getting on their marks looks a little odd on this crowded roof with only one way down, but the speech is the same: "The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe, [eyebrow pop], go!"
Everyone scampers back to the steps they just climbed, runs to grab their backpacks lined up on the grass in front of the building and races for the cars. Carrying both his and Wynona's backpacks, Chuck takes the first header of the season, bringing another racer down with him. Soon the lead teams are in their cars and the dashboard monitors light up with a video of Phil telling them they're heading to "the tropical paradise of Bora Bora." He goes on to tell them there are two flights leaving Los Angeles International Airport for Bora Bora tonight, but there is room for only five teams on the first one with Air Tahiti Nui, which is scheduled to land an hour before the other flight. Pretty standard, really. As is the montage of excited racers driving down into the city. But making them start on the exact opposite side of L.A. from the airport? That might be a new level of challenge.
After the Season 22 credits, Chuck & Wynona appear to be the first to reach LAX and board an airport shuttle van while the sun is getting low in the sky. Idries & Jamil end up on the same bus with Pam & Winnie and decide to carry on the long, ignoble tradition of lying to other teams about their profession. In this case, they claim to be delivery men. "Are you guys lying?" Winnie demands. One of the twins jokes about being kindergarten teachers like Nary & Jamie from TAR 20 pretended to be for no good reason. Then they drop the act, which I now suspect they were kidding about in the first place, copping to being OB/GYNs. "Pam has a problem, she needs you to look at it," Winnie jokes. Pam laughs as though the doctors are already looking at it and its name is Winnie.
Jennifer & Caroline, Bates & Anthony and Dave & Connor end up on the third shuttle bus together. The hockey players talk about how pretty the country singers are and how they'll keep their eyes on them. Anthony had better keep his fake teeth in his mouth, then. Yes, it looks like he has an insert he can wear. I look forward to watching him hunting around for it far below a bungee platform at some point.
Chuck & Wynona hold onto their early lead, becoming the first to reach the Air Tahiti Nui counter in the terminal and getting tickets on the first flight to Bora Bora. Pam & Winnie and the twins are right behind them, in second and third place respectively. Connor comes running in, leading a pack that has his dad further back. Father and son get the fourth pair of tickets on the first flight and Jessica & John get the fifth, so the country singers just barely got shut out. Someone always does.
Their tickets locked down, the twin doctors speculate with Winnie & Pam and Dave & Connor about the allegedly breath-taking challenge that awaits them in Bora Bora. Pam and Winnie interview that they're making friends with everyone so they can make sure to get that second Express Pass. I guess they don't think much of their chances of getting the first one.
Bringing up the rear on tonight's second flight, which will be on Air France, are Team Newlywed, hockey players Bates & Anthony, firefighters Matt & Daniel, country singers Caroline & Jessica, "Team YouTube" Joey & Meghan, and Roller Derby Moms Mona & Beth. Max runs down the list of all these other teams by their profession, which is actually kind of impressive this soon after meeting everyone. He and Katie talk about how they don't have many friends in real life and Max even pegs Katie's "likability factor" as low when it comes to new people. But they quickly head over to make friends with Joey and Meghan, which actually works. Of course, how hard can that be with people who are so proud of their status as "YouTube hosts" that their team colors are the signature black, red and gray of the video website? Max supportively credits Katie's "Best fake face." They may be newlyweds, but they clearly didn't go in blind.
The first flight out of LAX takes off after dark and Amazing Red and Amazing Light Blue Line curve southwest across the Pacific to the connecting airport, which Phil identifies as Papeete, Tahiti. It's early morning when that first flight touches down at Faa'a International Airport, where a young woman is distributing flower leis like they just arrived on Fantasy Island. Idries and Jamil interview about how the double Express Pass made them realize they were going to have to play a social game. So at the Tahiti airport, they get the attention of everyone else on these first five teams and suggest that whoever wins the first Express Pass should give it to whoever wins second. This is one of those moments that just has to make producers of this show go, "Aaaargh!" They throw in this new wrinkle to try to amp up the drama and people get right to work trying to preemptively defuse it. But of course, it's kind of the producers' fault in the first place for expecting people who go on The Amazing Race to act like people who go on Big Brother. Now, judging from everyone's initial reactions, this was not a good move socially. But after some apprehensive looks, this group of five teams agrees to it -- but only within this group. That is, in the vanishingly unlikely event that someone on the second flight wins second place, the second Express Pass will still theoretically go to one of these five teams currently hanging around in the Tahiti airport. And they have to agree not to tell any of the laggards on the second flight, either. "It's exactly like fight club," John dorks. If only.
With that out of the way, both Amazing Lines proceed northwest to Bora Bora, which a caption helpfully informs us is in French Polynesia. It's beautiful, all right, with white sand beaches, bright turquoise water and thatched huts that don't seem to care which of those two surfaces they're built on. The flight with the first five teams lands and they all spill directly out onto the tarmac and soon spot an Amazing Arrow sign on a palm tree pointing to a clue box standing on the beach. "Who's ready to take a giant leap towards a million bucks?" Pam reads from the first clue, which is kind of a giveaway as to what they're about to do. But to elaborate, we cut to a signup sheet hung on a clipboard followed by a shot of an ascending helicopter as Phil explains that each team will need to sign up for one of six chopper rides, each of which can carry up to two teams. "Then, in an Amazing Race first, they'll jump out of a helicopter as it hovers at ten thousand feet. They'll free-fall at speeds over 120 miles per hour in a tandem skydive as their partner takes a water taxi to the landing zone." After hooking back up with their partner, they'll get their clue. Doing this will be Pam, John, Connor, Chuck and whichever one of the doctor twins whose name I'll see in a caption on the screen in a moment. There's the predictable race to the clipboard, and after some jostling, John and Jamil (thank you, captions!) end up on the first flight. Connor and Winnie get on the second flight, leaving Chuck somehow bullied into waiting to sign up for the third flight. The power of the mullet didn't help him much there.
Jumpers get geared up, talking about the imminent leap with varying levels of anticipation. Meanwhile, their race partners board motorboats for the ride across the water to the landing zone. John is the first to find himself in the doorway of the helicopter with a human being strapped to his back and the tiny archipelago laid out below him. It's quite a stunning landform, with the main island in the center and what looks like a pentagonal sandbar surrounding most of it, with a ring of shallow, turquoise water separating them. It almost looks like a bird's-eye view of nature's Space Shuttle launch pad. With a few excited and obnoxious screams on the threshold of the chopper, John is soon tumbling through the sky and continuing to yell in a way that has me rooting for gravity.
Jamil is a little nervous about "leaving a perfectly good helicopter," but reminds himself that he's going to do anything for a million bucks. He seems to enjoy it once he's on his way down, though.
The second chopper takes off with Connor and Winnie on board, and Chuck is left standing alone on the landing pad watching them go. Does he have to wait for another team to show up before he can leave? I guess we'll see. Jessica high-fives a line of locals behind brick fence on her way to meet John, which she quickly does as he lands safely. They get a clue telling them to take a water taxi to Eden Beach. Jamil is not far behind and soon he and Idries are on their way there in second place. Not that these rankings mean much, given that very little has happened to determine order other than a lot of scrambling around a clipboard.
With a cry of "I love you, mom!" Connor is on his way down. Dave again gets emotional about Connor's cancer ordeal. He's going to wear himself out if he doesn't pace himself. Then Winnie takes her dive and with no catch-up editing, so does Chuck. So I guess he didn't have to wait to helicopter-pool with any of the other teams at all.
Still in first place and feeling pretty good about it, Jessica & John get off their boat at Eden Beach and run down a long dock to find a "marked path." This seems to consist entirely of a melon propped up with a red arrow painted on it, pointing to the beach where there's a bucket of clues on top of an elaborate sandcastle. No, they're not going to have to build one of their own; instead, for this second Roadblock of the leg, they'll have to tear a bunch down. One section of the beach is lined with row after row of one-bucket sandcastles -- 400 in all -- under some of which are hidden copies of the clue. Phil tells us why this is a challenge: temperatures can reach 100 degrees (which is why people go to Bora Bora in the first place -- come on, Phil), plus they'll have to rebuild every sandcastle they knock over. Tricky! This is going to get confusing when there are multiple teams working this same task and nobody will know what anybody else has done. Since it's a double Roadblock and John did the first one, Jessica has to do this. She gets right to work, starting at the nearest corner and comes up empty. "It was like opening a Christmas present that was empty and then having to, like, wrap it back up." And while John is loudly and unhelpfully commenting on how hot it is. Soon Jamil joins the search with his eyes on the prize: the Express Pass. Or, failing that, the other Express Pass.
The second plane lands in Bora Bora and the last six teams find their clue. Doing the skydiving will be Caroline and Anthony (on the fourth flight), Matt and Max (on the fifth flight), and Mona and Meghan on the sixth and final flight. Mona was actually the fourth person at the sign-up sheet, but she stupidly skipped an empty space and signed herself up for the sixth flight when a spot on the fifth was still available. She quickly realized her mistake, "but it was too late. The Brain already got her," Max interviews, grimly indicating his bride. And thus do the derby moms become the first team to fret about being the first to be eliminated. There's one every race.
After the long-awaited first commercial break, Mona interviews about how they're not going to quit even though they're in last place, while Caroline and Anthony board the helicopter. Like anyone quits The Amazing Race. Who would do that?
Meanwhile, Jessica and Idries are dealing with both the letdown of struggling with sandcastles after watching their partners skydive and a ukulele player who is now singing at them while they try to work. Turns out the Polynesian sand isn't ideal for building sandcastles, as Jamil keeps dumping out stumpy piles that quickly collapse. Let's hope the human beings he delivers hold together better. Connor's dad Dave runs to the opposite end of the castle field and begins his search among what he thinks are the more "pristine" castles. Pam and Winnie show up and Pam soon learns that "rebuilding these sons of bitches is hard." Some of these teams are not going to last very long, I'm thinking.
Anthony's skydive begins. Caroline and her jump partner follow, tumbling madly while she screams. She interviews that she's actually a descendant of Daniel Boone, thus her adventurous "pioneer spirit." And we all know how famous Daniel Boone was for skydiving. Or was that Davy Crockett? I always get those two confused. Much like I'm sure I'll be getting Caroline and Jennifer confused for several episodes.
Unsurprisingly, the folks on the beach are having less fun in the sun. Idries even tells Jamil to shut up at one point. "That's our code word for 'I love you,'" Jamil explains, apparently not ready to put their full dysfunction on display yet.
Chuck & Wynona hit the beach, where he quickly finds a woman splitting coconuts under a thatched canopy and asks her for the clue. He interviews about how being a shift manager at Wal-Mart allows him to communicate well with people from all walks of life. Alas, he's currently bringing those skills to bear on someone who A) does not speak English and B) has nothing whatsoever to do with the race. The partners of the racers already doing the sandcastle task snicker at Chuck from afar for a bit, until he belatedly spots the bright red-and-yellow clues across the beach and they run over to join the other racers. Because Chuck jumped out of the helicopter, this task goes to Wynona. "This is when the game levels up," Winnie remarks cattily to John, whatever that means. As Wynona gets to work, she says she always wanted to be on the beach, but not like this. "Where are my kids when I need 'em?" I immediately make the sign of the evil eye to ward off another Family Edition.
During Matt's skydive, he interviews about how he always wanted to do this but never got the opportunity or even been out of the country before. Max is soon on his way down as well.
On the beach, John takes it upon himself to give us a sitrep: the five teams on the first flight have agreed to have the first-place team give the second Express Pass they win to the team that gets second place. "So everybody working right here? Basically working as a team." That's... not what that means, John. He seems to have rather limited metaphorical skills. He might be more of a metathree kind of guy.
The search continues, with sandcastles being destroyed and rebuilt, and Jessica is the first to discover a clue inserted vertically into the sand. I was starting to wonder if maybe people weren't digging deep enough; from what we've seen, they're only flattening the sandcastles just to ground level. John and Jessica's clue instructs them to go down the beach to assemble a "va'a," which, as Phil explains from the shore where one is being assembled to him, is an outrigger canoe. The task pretty much consists of lashing the float to the main hull, using ropes and poles that are also provided. When they've accomplished this to the satisfaction of a task judge, they'll get in the canoe and paddle it across more than a mile of water to Motu Café, a hut on yet another beach (this island appears to be 99% beach and 1% huts) with a hand-painted sign. In case we've forgotten in the thirty seconds since someone last mentioned it, Phil reminds us that the first team to check in will win not one but two Express Passes, both of which he shows us with a little sleight-of hand, once again adding that the second one is to be given to another team. "And the last team to check in here will be eliminated." Hard. Core.
Jessica and John find their way to a tiny shipyard under some palm trees (John annoying a stone-faced local with a shout of "What's uuuup?") and find the supplies they need: a canoe, a float, poles and rope. They get right to work at making them all part of a whole.
Meghan and then Mona make it out of the helicopter, Mona still being optimistic about their prospects despite their last-place position because she wants to show her kids something or other.
Jessica and John have already finished their canoe and are dragging it out into the calm water with the help of the guide, spotting a stingray hovering just under the surface nearby. He also helps them paddle it, as it turns out (the guide, not the stingray). And they seem to have overestimated the stability of the canoe, because it only has a float on the port side. As for the starboard side, it proves very easy to tip clear over onto, which they discover after doing so a couple of times.
On the water taxi to Eden Beach, Anthony asks Bates, "You got my teeth?" So I guess his dental appliance stays on the ground, with Bates as its sometime keeper. Lucky, lucky Bates. They tandem-interview that they spend a lot of time together, to the point where they finish each other's "sandwiches." This is clearly a bit they worked out in advance. Keep working on it, guys. They get to the second Roadblock and are pretty happy to see other teams still there, as well as Caroline and Jennifer when they arrive close behind, in seventh place. "Go to hell, bitches," one of the twins snarls under his breath. This task clearly does not agree with him. Chuck tries to cheer up Wynona, reminding her that she wanted to come on this show and go to the beach. "I thought they'd have a lawn chair and a vodka and 7Up sittin' there for me," she complains. That sounds like a highly entertaining task. And totally likely, too.
Believe it or not, Bates is actually the person to find a clue, allowing him and Anthony to leap from sixth place to second place at a stroke. Soon they're on their way to build their canoe. "So much for strategy, huh?" Dave says, his face crusted with sand. Idries threatens to pass out and Jamil confides that his brother is currently a little "frag-ile." Fragile enough to trigger an ad break, in fact.
Coming back, Jamil is trying to remain optimistic. Even though first place is probably out of their reach now, he's hoping they can be the second team on the first flight to check in and score the Express Pass that way. Holding out hope for their social game.
Firefighters Matt and Daniel are the eighth team to find the clue explaining the sandcastle task, followed by Max and Katie in ninth. Katie is worried about having to do a task that's out of their control. So she's a control freak, too? Cool.
Jessica & John arrive at what must be the tenth beach of this episode, where Phil is waiting with a hatted, shirtless local, who welcomes them to Bora Bora. Don't worry, there's no nonsense about subtitled greetings in the local language. Phil tells them they're team number one and they throw their flower-crowns into the air in celebration. As promised, Phil presents them with both Express Passes. "That is power in your hands," he tells them. John interviews that yes, they agreed to give the second one to the second team in their alliance to arrive, "but at the same time, we want to play the game smart. We don't want to just hand over advantages to other teams, so we'll see how things play out." And if they can make a mortal enemy in the process, I suppose that's just gravy. Either way, I'm sure the producers will be happy that it looks like some drama might yet arise from this after all.
Anthony and Bates are already in their canoe and on the water en route to the Pit Stop. Joey and Meghan find the sandcastle Roadblock. "I love playing in the sand!" Joey flounces. "You think you love playing in the sand. Give it three hours," grumbles one of the other racers, I'm guessing Idries. Joey figures this is where they'll catch up. "Joey, there's entertainment now!" Meghan gasps excitedly as the ukulele player returns from a break. These two are going to wear me out in a hurry. The other teams, however, are already worn out from the task. Mona and Beth show up in last place, as Beth says, "This is where being a mom comes in handy. I've built my fair share of sandcastles." In the Rockies?
Bates and Anthony are team number two. Here is a status report on Anthony's teeth: they are currently out. I will keep you posted as the season progresses.
Dave tells Connor that all the castles have been searched, even when Connor points out there are nine left. Dave figures he may not have been digging deep enough and indeed, the very castle we see him level turns out to have a clue beneath it. That puts him and Connor in third place and theoretically in a good position to receive that second Express Pass from John & Jessica, depending on how determined the latter team is to shoot themselves in the foot. Beth is the to find a clue, taking the derby moms from last place to fourth, a bigger leap than the hockey-playing brothers took. We cut right to Dave & Connor carrying their canoe into the water, so putting it together must be a pretty un-telegenic task. "Here we come, Phil!" Dave yells telegenically.
Pam is the to find a clue under a sandcastle, putting her and Winnie in fifth place. Joey wastes a bunch of energy with twee real-time narration of his search and then wastes even more jumping up and down and screaming when he finds a clue. Idries already hates him more than I do.
Dave and Connor are the third team to arrive at the mat and they seem pretty confident that they "should" get the Express Pass. "Let's hope Jessica and John stick to their word." But where's the drama in that?
Caroline compliments Jennifer on her patience. Which, you know, they need in their profession, what with all the rejection they have to deal with. Sucks being a hot blonde and another hot blonde, you know. Idries finally locates a clue, so he and Jamil are on their way in seventh place, having fallen from second during this task. They go to the canoes and Jamil interviews how he's really trying to make sure they get the boat together correctly because he's afraid of water, being from inner city Chicago and all. Pam and Winnie are already crossing the water, as are Mona & Beth. And the twins are soon launching their canoe, stressed out about drop-offs as they wade into depths upwards of an entire yard.
Wynona is still going on about her vodka and 7Up when she becomes the to find a clue. Pam & Winnie become team number four at the Pit Stop and Mona & Beth check in right behind them. "Normally we would not be stoked about fifth," Mona says, but it feels pretty good coming from last. Beth says they can learn from their mistake just like in roller derby. And unlike every other human endeavor.
Out in the middle of the water, Idries and Jamil's canoe suddenly flips. Also, their rigging has come loose and one of them has lost his glasses and soon one of them is trying to bail the boat out using one of those little plastic buckets that everyone was using to build the sandcastles. "Team Brotherhood, move your booty out of the way!" Chuck says as they paddle past. Which I'm sure he'd totally say to a white team. Eventually the twins manage to get back in their boat, which is more of a relief to Jamil than being back in the race is.
Joey and Meghan are team number six, and Chuck and Wynona are team number seven. Phil raises the subject of Chuck's hair, saying they're never had a 'do like his on the Amazing Race. "It's business in the front, party in the back," Chuck explains. Never heard that line before either.
The firefighters talk about how much they need the money, what with one of them having a nine-month old daughter. Still at the sandcastles.
Idries and Jamil make it to the Pit Stop and are team number eight. They're both without their glasses, which would make for a long rest of the race for them. Except we've already seen them wearing glasses in the post-leg interview clips, so whoever lost his must have brought a back-up pair. Or he put on a scuba tank and dove the entire fathom it must have taken to retrieve them from the ocean floor.
Back to the three teams still left at the sandcastle task. Daniel says they've been there for over three hours and it's still hot. "Odds are getting slimmer and slimmer," he adds in a nod to the fact that there are only three clues left under a number of sandcastles that's holding steady at 400. Caroline observes to Jennifer that this must be like Hell: "You have to just rebuild sandcastles on a hot beach forever." Jennifer, Katie and Daniel are still at it going into the last break. But when we come back, Max is feeling bad enough for Katie that he suggests taking the penalty rather than continuing. In a classic Boston Rob move, she wonders if maybe they can get the other two teams to do it as well. The country singers -- long since over this task -- pipe up that they're fine with that. Daniel interviews that during this discussion, he knew that he and Matt would be able to win the boat race to the Pit Stop, since they canoe back home all the time. Not sure how word got back to them that that's what was ahead, but the three of them agree on the spot to take the penalty. Now, as Phil said on Twitter later, this was an irrevocable decision; the loser of the leg, whoever it may be, can't go back and try to dig up the third-to-last clue in less than four hours and still come in tenth. So they're committed. All three teams collect their clues and run in the late-afternoon sun to race through the construction of their canoes. Matt & Daniel are the first to launch theirs, with Max and Katie right behind them and the country singers in last place. "If we get eliminated first, we sure tried," one of the blondes says. As for Matt & Daniel, the expert canoeists flip over almost immediately while Max & Katie -- and then Caroline & Jennifer -- get underway. It's soon a three-way race across the water, but with most of the footage coming from boat-cams and other close-up shots, it's tough to tell who's in the lead and who's gaining and who's falling behind. What we need is one of those tactical overhead shots with captions to each boat. But I guess that would be moot, because the firefighters flip again, so clearly they're in last place. As for who's going to clinch ninth place, that'll have to remain the usual nail-biter for now. Daniel interviews that while they were swamped in the middle of the lagoon, it was a sickening feeling to see the other teams getting smaller and smaller, along with their chances of continuing to race. Apparently mastering an aluminum Coleman back home is quite different from balancing a bamboo hull that's narrower than one's shoulders, outrigger or no.
As a result, Max & Katie are the team to reach the mat. Phil waits for Caroline and Jennifer to wade ashore, then checks in Team Newlywed as team number nine and Caroline and Jennifer as team number ten. Phil reminds both those teams that they took a four-hour penalty, so they'll be starting the leg four hours later than they otherwise would. "I understand that the last the last team has also taken a four-hour penalty, which essentially means that you have survived," he adds, less smoothly than usual. This development appears to have thrown him off his stride a bit. Max and Katie congratulate themselves on being diabolical geniuses, in the long tradition of diabolical geniuses. And also in the even longer tradition of people who do something sort of clever and then decide they are diabolical geniuses.
Matt & Daniel are the last to arrive and are Philiminated as promised. "We both left it all on the table and Bora Bora won," Matt claims, which is a pretty ballsy thing to say after quitting a Roadblock. And then their send-off is a mini-blooper reel of their ill-starred boat ride as they interview that they never thought they'd be eliminated canoeing. "We get beat canoeing by two blonde girls. I'm sure we're never going to hear the end of this at the firehouse." And just to make sure, the editors supply their buddies with what seems like an endless loop of Matt & Daniel's canoe-flips, from multiple angles, all the way to the end titles. I'm getting waterlogged just watching it.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.