Run It Up the Pole and See Who Salutes

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The first leg of tonight's two-leg finale begins with the four remaining teams blowing Mallorca for Barcelona and taking a train to France's Loire Valley, where they'll be facing a volley of châteaus. On board the train, Josh & Brent overhear the other three teams talking about their alliance -- and specifically, the twins talking smack about how the Beekmans have been "coasting" -- and realize the group dynamic isn't quite what they thought. And that's what the eleventh leg ends up being about, rather than the actual tasks.

But I'll go over them anyway. In France, the teams discover this leg will be a commercial for the all-new Ford Escape, which they drive to the first château. This is the location of Natalie and Nadiya's Speed Bump, in which they have to lace a lady into a corset. But first there's some pretty ugly and open sniping between them and the goat farmers (okay, between them and Brent). The other three teams, following Josh & Brent's lead, proceed to the château, which happens to be the final resting place of Leonardo da Vinci. From there, they head to an estate four a Detour where they have to either till a small field with a horse-drawn plow or cut up raw meat to feed to a giant pack of hunting dogs. The Chippendales opt for the former and Trey & Lexi decide to go with that one as well after a bit of vacillating, which leaves the twins and the goat farmers working side by side at the dog-feeding Detour and all the tedious arguing that results from that. Josh & Brent turn that to their advantage though, and beat the twins out of there by a fair margin. Though they're still not as quick as the teams who did the plowing Detour.

From there, they go to an underground mushroom farm that occupies the tunnels left by the excavation of the limestone used to build all the châteaus that are all over the place. This is the site of a Roadblock where Lexi and Jaymes -- and then Brent and Natalie -- have to search the subterranean maze to collect certain, very specific types of mushrooms. Jaymes doesn't get it right on the first try, but Lexi does, so she and Trey are the first team to leave for the Pit Stop. But they go to the wrong place at first, which means the Chippendales win the leg, as well as an all-new Ford Escape each. Trey & Lexi come in second, leaving the twins and the Beekmans to battle for the last spot in the final three. The twins are the to finish the Roadblock, but they also get more lost, so Josh & Brent will be joining Jaymes & James and Trey & Lexi in the twelfth and final leg. Much good may it do them.

The last leg takes the teams to New York City, where a well-hidden clue on a Houdini poster at the Coney Island Boardwalk ends up putting Jaymes & James in last place, while the other two teams proceed to a Navy Yard for another Roadblock. In the tradition of Houdini -- and also of tonight's theme of Escape -- Trey (and then Brent and Jaymes) are dangled fifteen stories in the air while wearing a straitjacket that they have to free themselves from before enduring a surprise bungee drop -- although it's really only a surprise for Trey. Jaymes narrows the gap by doing this quickly, but cab troubles mean he and James are far behind by the time the other teams get to the destination: Lombardi's Pizza in Little Italy, where each team has to memorize a different order of pizzas for three different addresses and deliver them on foot. Trey & Lexi pull that off well, but Josh & Brent mess it up, for which Brent totally blames Josh, so they have to redo two of the deliveries allowing the Chippendales to narrow the gap again.

The destination is the United Nations building, where a double Roadblock reveals why we've been getting language lessons from the greeters at every Pit Stop: they have to use flags to match all the different hellos and goodbyes they heard with the countries they visited. Lexi, Josh and James take this on, of course, and after the French and Spanish ones are taken care of it becomes a matter of trial and error. And, in Lexi's case, accidentally braining herself with one of the flag holders. This final challenge ends up taking literally hours, but Josh finishes first, by one flag. Now they have to find Gotham Hall and Jaymes & James aren't far behind. It's a two-taxi race to the Finish Line and holy crap… before you know it Josh & Brent have won the Amazing Race. Jaymes & James come in second, to Jaymes's visible disappointment, and Lexi manages to overcome her frustration to bring Team Austin in third, so now she can focus on pressuring Trey into proposing. So the final message is to never quit no matter what and that sometimes nice guys finish first. And so did Brent.

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Extra-long, end-of-season previouslies, reintroducing us to the final four teams. Which I never get, because nobody who doesn't know what's happened already is going to care what happens in tonight's two-hour finale. There may even be those who do know but don't care.

Phil's onscreen this evening to welcome us back to the giant circular castle that overlooks Palma, the capital city of the Spanish island of Mallorca. He's even got his Twitter handle up there under his face; it's @PhilKeoghan, oddly enough. So here we are at the start of the eleventh leg. Trey & Lexi won the leg, their third, so they get to leave first, at 9:32 AM. Believe it or not, it's a sunny morning in Mallorca. As they open and read their clue, Phil explains that they'll have to fly back to Barcelona, Spain, then take a train to France's Loire Valley. I guess they couldn't travel the whole way back by rail from the island, which is kind of a shame. Their clue will be waiting for them in France, stuck under the windshield wiper of "an all-new Ford Escape," of which there is a small fleet parked telegenically outside the train station. Trey reminds us that they have an "alliance" with Jaymes & James and Natalie & Nadiya (in other words, two of the other three remaining teams), but this is for a million dollars. "So we're gonna do whatever it takes to get to that final three." At some later point, I assume he means. For now, they get into a taxi minivan and head to the airport. And Lexi seems somewhat pleased to be finally going to France, even if it's two legs later than she thought, and not Paris, and she's actually pretty exhausted by now.

Jaymes & James begin their leg at 9:46 AM, and are happy to learn they're getting $525 for this leg of the race. Well, international train tickets aren't cheap. Or maybe they are, I actually have no idea. In their pre-leg interview, they talk about how they struggled a bit early on, but Jaymes reminds us of his powerful motivation to win the money, viz., his father who's both fighting cancer and working more than full time. And let's not continue to forget James; he wants to be able to take care of his mom, who has spent her life caring for special needs kids. So you're either rooting for the Chippendales or you're rooting for childhood illness and cancer. I don't know how you can live with yourself.

Even though we all remember how last week's episode ended, it's still a bit jarring to see Josh & Brent starting a leg this early in the episode, namely in third place at 10:27 AM. They're glad to be headed to France, not least because Josh speaks French. In their pre-leg interview, Josh admits that making it to the final three would blow their minds as much as everybody else's. Well, except Brent's, maybe. He seems to be under an illusion Josh doesn't share, namely that they have a chance in hell of winning this thing.

The twins, Natalie and Nadiya, are starting in fourth and last place at 11:14 AM. As we see them get into a taxi, they interview about how happy they are to be in the final four with two of the teams who were their favorites from the start, whose help they're counting on at this point. Whereas I'm counting on more bickering from them as they ride to the airport in their cab, and I'm getting it. At the airport, everyone gets checked in and the twins complain about the Beekman Boys "coasting" to a final four spot. "We want it more than them so we need to make it happen." I hope it's been interesting for Natalie and Nadiya to see the kind of "coasting" the goat farmers have endured as the season has aired the past couple of months.

Cut to Amazing Red, Yellow, and Orange Lines making the short hop over the Mediterranean from Mallorca to Barcelona, and then we're back on the mainland again. We cut right to the train station, where the teams board the train to France. As they ride north, the twins shit-talk the Beekmans to the other team and how they're "taking up a spot," whatever the hell that means. You gave them that spot with your U-Turn strategy in Amsterdam. Remember, Twinnies? Josh and Brent overhear at least some of this from the compartment, and then there's an awkward moment as the alliance realizes they're there and gets quiet, and then Jaymes boisterously invites them to join the group like they weren't all just mean-girling them. Josh interviews about how demoralizing it was to learn for the first time about this alliance of everyone else but them. On the train, the Chippendales lay it on a little thick, using phrases like "group hug" and "family portrait time" as Josh's interview goes on to compare it to high school all over again. Which, you know, those other teams haven't been out of for all that long. So the goat farmers conclude that they decided to be motivated by it. You know what, you guys? It gets better.

There's a quick shot of the moon to tell us it was an overnight train ride, and then we're in the Loire Valley in France, home of castles, vineyards, massive chateaus, and of course the station that their train pulls into. Although it's a different one than the one they left in, I can't help noticing. They rush out of the station and scramble around a bit before Trey spots the parked cars waiting for them and they all run in that direction. The clue on each Escape tells them to pick up eight empty crates from a certain café, then use the "hands-free lift gate" we've been seeing on the ads during this show all season to open the back of their Escape. Then they'll load the crates in, kick the lift gate closed again, and drive to the Chateau de Villandry, which Phil says is "home to the world's largest ornamental garden." There, somewhere on this sprawling estate, they'll look for a stone dog, which frankly is neither large nor, after many decades of erosion, particularly canine-looking any more. But it's got a satchel full of clues hanging around its neck, so they'll need to find it nonetheless.

First, it turns out that the crates they need to collect are piled right across the street, making this one of the easiest tasks ever, but Lexi adds a degree of difficulty by nearly running in front of a moving car. Seriously, if her legs were any longer she'd be dead now. And then, led by Jaymes & James, the racers all obligingly do a commercial for how awesome the foot-triggered lift gate feature is. "I want one. Get me one," Josh even says to Brent. With the must-have feature duly advertised, now they have to figure out where to actually go, and the three-team alliance swarms around a local asking for directions. Not the Beekmans, though. Is that because they're using this alliance to pull ahead of everyone all at once? Nope, they're just sitting in their car waiting for the other teams to leave so they can follow. Not nearly as cool. Soon all four cars are on the road. James talks about how he's hoping they can win a car for his mom today, because he's been watching the race long enough to know that if they have to advertise a vehicle all leg, some team is going to get a pair of their own at the Pit Stop. Behind them, the twins are complaining about the Beekmans sneaking up on them, while behind them, Brent suggests they play off what he assumes will be the twins' panic over their Speed Bump. He adds that nobody thought they were a threat, and "boom, now we are." Yes, all it took was getting rid of the stupider, older, unluckier, and more unpopular teams. Indeed, in the car just ahead of them, Natalie says that in their master plan to boot Abbie & Ryan, "we never thought the gays would be a threat to us," and they'd planned to leave them in the dust. "And now they're just on our coattails." You know, I didn't see any coattails on you ladies in Mallorca.

The whole caravan stops at a red light. There's a bit of a fire drill as Jaymes runs out to confer on directions with Trey & Lexi in the lead car, and one of the twins yells out to the leaders that they have to lose the Beekmans. Which, again, they overhear. This is getting more preschool than high school.

Soon the two lead teams show up at the Chateau de Villandry and run onto the grounds, with the twins and the goat farmers rushing in right behind them. Soon they're all wandering the grounds at a run, looking for a dog. The twins and Team Austin ask some groundskeeper for directions by going "woof-woof-woof," like animal noises are the same in other languages, and Josh suavely rolls up to them asking, "la chien?" Everyone acts like this is some big sneaky move, knowing French like that. Soon they're all running in a pack through the paths, though Brent is actively taunting the twins and running with his arms spread to try to prevent them from passing him, which isn't exactly covering himself in glory. "I thought Josh was hurt," Jaymes interviews. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but apparently he got a bionic ankle now." He does seem to have recovered well -- almost as well as James did from his ankle pain in Moscow.

They soon find the dog and the satchel en masse (see, I know a little French, too). Trey & Lexi are the first to grab and open one of the clues inside, which tells them, "Find da Vinci's final resting place." Phil helpfully tells us that's Chateau D'Amboise, where there's a bowl of flowers wrapped in clue envelopes inside the entrance hall. Most of the teams take off, but Natalie and Nadiya have their Speed Bump here, so they're not going anywhere yet. "Bye-ee!" Brent sings at them mockingly, to Josh's disapproval. Phil explains about the Speed Bump, in which the twins will now have to enter the chateau, find the "Prince du Rome room," and lace a woman into an 18th-century corset to earn their clue. "Say bye-bye to the twins," Brent says to the other teams. But awkwardly enough, rather than splitting up now, they all have to run back to the house together because it's on the way back to the parking lot. The whole way, the twins loudly tell their allies to lose the goat farmers, and that they're only using them and faking Josh's ankle injury. Wait, what? Brent asks Josh if he's faking. "No," pants Josh, who would clearly rather be anywhere else. "Have fun at the Speed Bump!" Brent mocks as the teams split up. Way to rise above it, Brent. You've proved yourself to be the bigger person.

After the ads, the twins run to the entrance, and bitch about the Speed Bump in a post-leg interview. They rush noisily into a bedroom, where a handsome, gray-haired woman is waiting for them, along with a mannequin that has a corset already tightly laced on it to serve as the model. "Très sexy, non?" one of the twins says as they start lacing it up. They complain that the other teams should have waited for them, which is asking rather a lot in the penultimate leg. Or any leg, really. "The Beekman Boys wouldn't have gone anywhere." I wish I could roll my eyes at that, but we already saw them waiting around for the other teams once. Meanwhile, the other three teams are wandering around outside the chateau, with the Chippendales and "Lex and Tex," as Brent calls them, at a loss and only too happy to submit to the leadership of the goat farmers in the twins' absence. Sure enough, Josh & Brent are the ones to find out where to go, and soon they're leading the other two teams down the road to the right place. "Wait for them," Brent says to Josh in their car, flabbergastingly. So I guess it's just the twins he's mad at, then. Behind them, Lexi voices some concern that the goat farmers aren't so great with directions. But the mood in the Chippendale-mobile is more positive, as James says, "Never count the Beekmans out." Yes, especially now that they're helping y'all.

The twins finish lacing up the corset-victim, putting a knee against her back and pulling tight enough to make her gasp. She checks it out in the mirror and nods her approval, probably because she can't draw breath to speak. Then the twins both hug her, one of them even picking her up around the waist. They're lucky she doesn't break in half. I think if that happened, they would have to do the Speed Bump again with a new woman. It would only be fair.

The goat farmers realize they're leading everyone in circles, so Josh pulls in at a gas station, even as Brent protests that they have to stay ahead of the twins. Yes, Brent, it would be great to hold onto a lengthy lead in the wrong direction. The other two teams pull in worriedly behind them, for now.

Back at the Chateau de Villandry, the twins return to the "stupid dog" and get to belatedly open their clue sending them to Da Vinci's final resting place. So they run back to their car, praying for a flat tire for "the gays," which is a phrase I'd really like them to stop using already. Of course, if that were to happen, the other teams are all equally screwed, because they're still trying to get directions and proceed to the place in a three-team clump. And meanwhile, the twins appear to be getting themselves on the way to Amboise on their own just fine.

The other teams' cars approach the castle. Trey & Lexi grab the first parking spot they see, while the goat farmers decide to try driving up closer to the entrance and Jaymes is getting his Leonardos mixed up, referring to DiCaprio instead of da Vinci, much to the amusement of both of them. Sure, they have similar names, but if da Vinci had been in Inception those dream-sharing machines would have been real. Anyway, the Chippendales and the goat farmers end up meeting again outside and start searching for the church at the chateau while Trey & Lexi appear to go right there, into an amazing rooftop rotunda, where they find the clues strapped to the flower pot. But all three open them so close together that there aren't even ranks any more. I know everyone hates all the alliances this season, but I bet nobody hates them more than the people who write the "Currently In [nth] Place" subtitles. Anyway, the clue is for a Detour, with the choice being "Plow" or "Chow," both of which Phil says are "age-old French traditions." Indeed, those are two of my favorite French words.

Over footage of some rich French dude who somehow survived the Revolution riding on horseback while blowing a horn and surrounded by a pack of beagles, Phil says, "The royal French tradition of hunting with dogs dates back hundreds of years and is still practiced today." Take that, guillotine. For "Chow," the teams will have to make the "daily meal for a pack of hungry hunting hounds," which we see about to mob a trainer in a small courtyard. More specifically, the racers will need to cut, weigh, and sort different kinds of meat to put together a well-balanced meal, and then lay it out in a long pile in the fenced-off feeding area, along with a bunch of kibble. For "Plow," the teams will hit the field and use a horse and plow to cut four furrows, which is all it will take to earn their clue. Yes, a horse and not an ox, alas, but I'm still hoping someone will angrily scream, "My horse is broken!" at some point.

All three teams seem rather torn on what to do, although Jaymes & James seem to be leaning toward the Plow option. But of course like everything else lately, this has to be a group decision for some fucking reason. Actually, the Chippendales just assume that Trey & Lexi will do it with them, so they head off to their car, remembering to tell the Beekmans as they depart that only two teams can do it at a time. So no plowing for you, farmers. "You think our cookbook skills will stretch to dogs?" Brent asks Josh. Meanwhile, the Chippendales are heading into the Chateau's main entrance for directions to the field. But Trey & Lexi end up deciding to do Chow, and Brent decides they'll work on it together. Now back to their cars. Down on the street, as they temporarily split up to go to their separate vehicles, the camera zooms in on the clock tower at the end of the street, I guess because we really need to know it's two in the afternoon. Lexi interviews that it's in their nature to help other people out, but her competitive side is rebelling. And thus she gets tired of waiting for the Beekmans and they take off. So there you go. That's two allies she's ditched today. Cold, Lexi. Cold.

The twins get to Chateau D'Amboise and despite not seeing any other Escapes still around, get confirmation from some locals that they're in the right place and cheer loudly. Up ahead, the Chippendales are trying to find their way to the Plow task, hoping to lose the goat farmers. Who in turn see that Team Austin's car is already gone and waste no time deciding to get moving. "Their allegiance may be to the twins at this point, so we just have to be extra cautious," Brent says. "You really can't trust anyone at this stage of the race." Or at any stage, I would add.

The twins find the clue in da Vinci's tomb and decide to go with Chow, because apparently they've cooked for dogs before, with their grandfather. Well, of course they have. Who hasn't?

En route to Chow, Trey explains that they've decided to go with Plow instead, as Lexi thinks this will help them build a lead. "It's our country roots," she says. They park near a sign that points to PLOW in one direction and CHOW in another, so it's not like one of the tasks is easier to drive to, and Lexi is happy to see that they're the first team to arrive. They run onto the farm and find a hand-lettered sign reading "Festival du Cheval et du Labour," which I assume means festival of horse and work. Although that may just be an excuse to have an accordion player there making a racket. But there's also a food table or produce stand there, so maybe this isn't a completely made-up thing, even if attendance can only be described using an ancient, untranslatable French term: "piss-poor." Trey & Lexi meet a farmer, pick out an old-fashioned, single-bladed, horse-drawn plow, and hitch it up to a big, brown horse. With both of them wearing gumboots to plod through the rich, muddy field, Lexi starts leading the horse down the lane while Trey tries to keep the plow blade pushed down into the soil. He's soon having trouble, though, in the form of the plow zigzagging and weaving, and the horse farting on him. Only one of these is likely to prevent them from completing the task properly, however.

Jaymes & James drive past a chateau looking for the farm, and they end up pulling up to the Beekmans to compare notes on where the entrance is they're supposed to go to. It's the Gate of Honor, ironically enough.

Trey & Lexi are at the end of one furrow, and they get their horse turned around to start the one.

The twins are driving on the grounds, and they spot Trey & Lexi doing the plowing. They briefly consider joining them for this Detour, but "that looks hard," so they move on. "Yay! The girls are here!" Lexi cheers from the field, seeing their car go by. The twins park and hop out. And thus the Chippendales see them already out of their car when they arrive, and realize the pressure's on, what with the Speed Bump lag already wiped out. The goat farmers drive by, and the twins are rejuvenated at being "here before everybody." And loudly so, too. They proceed on foot through the front gate, where a sextet of fat French horn players is blatting away on some tuneless racket on the path leading to the chateau. Oh, and the dogs are coming, too. Following them inside the gate, Brent frets to Josh, "We're gonna lose this to the girls." "Don't worry about it," Josh breezes. I think he so expected to lose in Moscow that in his mind he's basically playing with house money at this point.

The twins just barely beat the goat farmers to the long prep tables for the Chow Detour, which are equipped with big yellow buckets and cutting boards and of course shitloads of raw meat. Both teams don aprons and begin to, as Josh interviews, "debone and cut up and remove all foreign objects from two huge barrels of raw meat." But in France, aren't all the objects foreign? The dogs are baying away hungrily on the other side of a closed gate, and while all four of them are working, the twins bitch about how they're competing against a team that uses knives for a living, "stabbing people in the back." Wow, not sure how they figure that. They're still convinced Josh was faking his injury, which, even if he were, that hardly counts as backstabbing. Brent calls them the evil twins, which they readily cop to, saying they've never been nice. "We can't be mean," Brent says, which would have cut more ice before his behavior at Chateau de Villandry, which the twins quickly remind him of. "Josh yelled at me for doing that," Brent tells them, and points out that they were nice until the twins jumped out and yelled about how they needed to lose them. The twins, however, have an answer for that: "Evil gays are going down!" Yes, I think this particular debate is all sewn up.

Back at the plowing field, Trey & Lexi turn their horse around for a third furrow, and Jaymes makes much of choosing their horse before he and James get going. Jaymes leads the horse while James attempts to run the plow, which proves difficult with the forearm pain he's apparently having now. Poor baby.

Over at the Chow Detour, the two rival teams are still at work, but the goat farmers appear to be nearly done, using a strategy of picking out meat that doesn't require as much deboning. As they all continue working, Josh calls the twins out on having terrible poker faces with regard to the alliances, which they say they weren't trying to hide in the first place. She doesn't add that it wasn't hard, what with Josh & Brent being hours behind them for a good quarter of the race. The upshot of all the discussion, per Josh's express intention, is that the arguing is slowing the twins down. "Alliance doesn't matter when you're knee-deep in hamburger patties," Josh interviews. The twins finally realize that they're the only ones who can't cut and talk, and tell them to be quiet. "Evil gays. Evil gays!" Okay, that was a little evil, but not in a bad way.

Back on the field, the Chippendales turn their plow around. James's forearms are still hurting. I bet people used to get carpal tunnel from this all the time.

The goat farmers finish cutting, and start carrying their heavy buckets of meat over to the feeding area, near where the dogs are barking hungrily. They dump their meat out on the ground and arrange it in a long, bloody line, then run to get 20 kilos of food pellets to surround the meat with. The twins, meanwhile are still cutting. "Natalie, if we lose again to them, I'm going to kill myself," one of the twins says. I assume it's Nadiya.

Lexi is maybe enjoying the "country Detour" a little too much as they finish their fourth furrow. Any concerns that their furrows would be too crooked prove unfounded, as a farmer readily pulls a clue out of his shirt and hands it over. It's sending them to a place called "Caves de Roches," which is what it says on the clue and on the screen, even though the big sign instead says "Caves Champignonnières des Roches." Totally different. They head back to their car, feeling good about their decision to change Detours.

Jaymes & James finish the Plow Detour in second place, and James kisses their horse goodbye before they get on their way. "Way to muscle through that thing, man," Jaymes says. To James, not the horse.

Natalie is bitching about how this Detour choice must have been harder, and Nadiya tells her to shut up. They're nearly done. On the road, Lexi talks about how happy she is to see the twins. "We would love to keep our dream team intact for the final three." What are they going to do, split the million three ways?

The twins are on their last handfuls of meat, and noticing that the goat farmers are having to take some time measuring out their kibble. But not much time, as Josh & Brent take the pellet-filled pails and start pouring them out around the meat they laid out. The guy in the blue coat hands them their clue and opens the gate to the kennel, and the dogs come flooding in over the feast like four-legged zombies. "The gays bloody beat us," one of the twins grumbles. Does that mean Nadiya's going to kill herself? Should somebody take away her knife?

After the ads, the twins are still on the meat part of the task -- and still bitching about it -- as the goat farmers run back out past the still-blatting horn players. But it looks like they're soon ready to proceed. Brent & Josh get back in their car, seeing that the Plow teams have already left. That was clearly the faster of the two options. Or it was at least closer to the parking, which amounts to the same thing.

Roach cave, here we go," Trey says as he and Lexi roll up. Inside a produce shop that's open to the outside, they find a basket of multicolored mushrooms with clues sticking out of it. Trey takes one and reads, "Who's a fun guy?" Phil has to go back pretty far to explain this Roadblock: "Many of the Loire Valley's castles were built with limestone that was excavated from underground caverns." As we cut from outer shots of magnificent structures to the dank tunnels that their raw materials came from, he continues, "Mining this precious stone inadvertently created the perfect environment for growing mushrooms. This Roadblock requires teams to search this subterranean farm [which looks like quite the labyrinth] for champignonnes -- mushrooms." More specifically, they need to look at three different types of mushrooms laid out in the shop for their examination, then search the maze to find ones that match, from memory. Phil holds up a basket and says that once they have ten of each, "the champignonniste will hand them their clue." The champignonniste being the shroom-monger, of course.

Lexi takes this one, which she and Trey find pretty funny for some reason. But first, they have to get the crates they loaded into the backs of their cars at the beginning of the leg, to carry the mushrooms in and, more importantly, to show off that foot-operated lift gate again. Lexi looks at the three varieties, which she describes as "kind of like flowers," "mushrooms," and "big brown mushrooms. " With such vivid language in her mind, how could she fail? As she heads into the tunnels, which are apparently much chillier than she's dressed for, Trey says he's feeling good about being the first ones there. Lexi wanders around, looking at all different kinds of mushrooms and getting confused and creeped out. She finds one batch of the brown mushrooms before a light goes out on her and she has to gather them in the night-vision camera. I take it that the perfect conditions for growing mushrooms also includes limited exposure to light, because that's going to be happening to people a lot.

When the Chippendales arrive, Jaymes cackles at the Roadblock clue and volunteers, "I'm a fun guy." He certainly works hard enough at it. He goes to unload the crates while James stands with Trey at the waiting area and talks about the other two teams being behind them somewhere after going to the Chow Detour.

On the way here, Josh tries to confirm directions with Brent, who says, "I don't...know. I don't think it's right." Helpful.

The twins finish the feeding task, asking the judge, "C'est bon, c'est bon?" It's good; as the guy hands them their clue and gets a one-armed hug in return, they rush out, not bothering to stick around to watch the feeding frenzy in their hurry to hear that French horn fartfest one more time.

The goat farmers have pulled over to check their map. "We need to be on D-30," Brent explains. Josh pulls out into traffic, although they probably should have waited until they knew which direction to go.

Jaymes goes pounding into the tunnel, calling for Lexi. She's still running through the dark like she's on Ghost Hunters or something, but she seems to feel good about having found her third variety. Now if she can just find her way back out. "These are my little sea-life ones here," Jaymes says with satisfaction as he spots some growing off the side of some dark blocks of God knows what. Lexi finds another batch that she thinks might be more correct than what she already has, and baskets those, saying that if she gets back up there and it's wrong, "It's definitely going to be disappointing." Jaymes finds some that "look like bread," and the lights go out on him, too. And on Lexi again, who's lost and praying for guidance out of here as Jaymes is already running back out. Hurrying past the waiting area, Jaymes says to James and Trey, "Don't get excited, it's really confusing down there." Trey gets the opposite of excited. But Lexi is soon running toward daylight as well.

Up in the shop, the dude examines the contents of Jaymes's basket and says, "C'est ne pas bon," or "it is not good," per the subtitles and what little I recall of my junior high French. Jaymes looks at the samples again, memorizing the names as though they're going to help him amid the unlabeled crops down below, and heads back, meeting Lexi on the way. Lexi also tells Trey that it was really hard, and she's not sure she did it right. But after reaching the shop and comparing her collection to the samples, she says, "Holy sh-mokes, I think I did it right. No freaking way." Sure enough, the champignonniste tells her, "Yes," in English even, and gives her a clue. On her way out to meet Trey, she says it was the most rewarding thing she's ever done, which is either an imprecise choice of words or so very sad. She and Trey are still in first place as they read the clue outside telling them to drive to the Pit Stop, which the clue says is the "Castle of the Ladies," although Phil says it's called Chateau de Chenonceau. It's another one of these castles we've been seeing during the b-roll all leg, this one built across a river. Now that's just showing off. "And the last team to check in here will be eliminated," Phil says, standing in front of the mat on the riverbank. Penultimate Leg Phil does not fuck around. Team Austin runs back to their cab, pausing to get directions from some locals, who send them two kilometers to Vallagon. One of them touches Lexi's hair for some reason, I guess to mime the concept of "lady." I guess there are worse parts he could have touched. Welcome to France, Lexi!

Back down there in the tunnels, Jaymes is confident in only two of his mushroom varieties, but when he gets to the shop, the guy tells him, "Perfect," so the Chippendales have their clue in second place. After getting back to their car, James uses the foot switch to open the back so they can put their backpacks inside. "Make sure you show that to your mom when we win this thing," Jaymes says. Oh, I'm sure she's seen it by now. She's had plenty of opportunities.

But the Chippendales' winning the care is probably not going to happen, because Trey & Lexi are already at a castle. But then maybe it will, because when they ask a guide if they're at the Castle of the Ladies, she tells them no. Huh. In fact, she says they're a fifteen-minute drive from Chateau Chenonceau, straight ahead. "Wrong castle, damn," Trey says as they're pulling back out. They do seem rather thick on the ground here in the Loire Valley.

Jaymes & James go into town to get their directions to the right castle and get on their way. "Aw, now we racing, look out," Jaymes says. Good, it'll be interesting to see what that looks like.

The twins are the team to show up at the mushroom caves, ahead of the directionally-challenged goat farmers. But then they run right down into them without seeing the clue, or even the shop where the clues are waiting, as far as I can tell. "Keep running, there could be a clue inside here!" one of them yells, which means they may well just keep running into the bowels of the earth until they meet Satan. And thus their lead proves very short-lived as Brent & Josh arrive, head into the shop, and get their clue. Brent takes it. Meanwhile, the twins run back out. "Just follow them," one of them says when they spot Brent, already carrying his baskets from the car back into the shop. There's some coattails for you. The twins do the same thing before they're technically supposed to know that they'll need to, and while Brent heads down into the catacombs, Natalie takes on the Roadblock. "You know where to go, Natalie! Beat his ass!" Nadiya hollers after her. That's not something a person wants to hear when running down into a dark tunnel.

There's some quick cutting back and forth between the Chippendales and Team Austin as they find Chateau Chenonceau, park, spot each other, and run down the path to the mat. There's no way to tell who's in the lead, until Jaymes & James run through the trees to where Phil's standing to a woman dressed up like Marie Antoinette. "Bonjour (Hello)," she says. The Chippendales appear rather smitten by her, and maybe a bit abashed at being so out of breath in front of her. Phil tells them, "After eleven legs of the race, I am pleased to tell you that you are team number one, and you are one of the three teams that will be racing..." well, for something, anyway, because Jaymes & James's whoops totally drown him out. And sure enough, they've each won a Ford Escape. James is thrilled to have won his mom a car. And I'm sure Ford is thrilled to have invested in this episode to the point of giving away two cars, only to see one of the recipients so eager to give his to someone else.

Trey & Lexi are team number two, and also in the final three. Their reaction is rather more subdued. "Hopefully we don't do anything too crazy losing friends over this last leg," Trey says. "But you never know, there's a million dollars at stake and we all want it bad." I think it would be crazier to lose the last leg over friends, but that's just me.

Brent is hunting the tunnels, not knowing what he's looking for and getting, by his own admission, rather frantic. Natalie's literally right behind him. Nadiya's outside complaining about how they got beat again. But Natalie is the first to emerge into daylight, and Brent is stuck down there looking for the exit, with lights going off on him all the time as well. Natalie gets back to the shop and lets the dude examine the results of her search, and when he says it's good, she comes around the counter to hug him as she gets her clue. Josh watches them get in their car while resolving to ask the first person they see for directions, and says, "If he comes out soon, it's just going to come down to a race between us and the twins to get to the Pit Stop." But that's an increasingly big if. "I hope they're going the wrong way," he adds as they drive off with a whoop.

There's a replay of those moments after the ads, and Josh adds, "If he doesn't come out soon, it's going to be a really short drive back to the Pit Stop." Yes, with Phil at the wheel. Brent does come out, asking if they're the last team. "Yes," Josh says. But at least his mushrooms are right, so he gets his clue, currently in last place. Running to their car, he asks Josh how long ago the twins left. "Ten minutes, maybe," Josh says. So it's totally over for them at last, right?

The twins are en route, they hope, Natalie (I can tell it's her because she's still sweaty from the Roadblock) all excited about having beaten the goat farmers but Nadiya worried they're going the wrong way. The goat farmers pull over to get directions from an older couple hanging out on a street corner who helpfully point out Chateau Chenonceau on the map. Back on the road, Brent says the twins left first. "Unless they all of a sudden start having navigation issues, there's no way we're going to beat them." Josh points out that's happened before. "But not today. They're on a hot streak," Brent downers. In fact, they're currently getting some directions from another motorist on the road, and then getting back to driving and bickering. The goat farmers encounter a road closing in a town, so it looks like they have a real detour rather than the kind we usually see on this show. Not that Josh is following the detour signs, preferring to go in what he thinks is the right direction. That should work out well.

The twins ask yet another driver for directions and find out they're going the wrong way. "Oh my God, Natalie, the gays might beat us now," Nadiya says from the back seat. But "the gays" don't seem to know that, as they've come to another road closing that allows Brent to say I told you so to Josh about the detour, almost literally, as they have to turn around. Now the twins are facing the detour, but soon they see signs for the Chateau. But then so do the Beekmans. So now it's just a matter of some suspenseful cutting back and forth and some non-specific footage of the last approach to the mat. And finally, Phil begins gravely, "Josh & Brent...you are team number three! And you are one of the three teams that will be racing to the Finish Line for one million dollars." Brent hugs Josh as the latter interviews, "We're certainly gaining momentum and confidence at the point where we need it most. And more and more I believe we can win this race." "It's up here," Brent says, pointing to his head. "Not here," he adds, pointing somewhere off-screen, I assume to his arm. At the mat, he says, "Off with their heads, Phil, right?" Kind of a rude thing to say in front of Marie Antoinette, who somehow doesn't say, "I'm standing right here."

Here come the twins at last, and they're in for some bad news. They patiently go through the pleasantries with Marie Antoinette before Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive. "And you've both been eliminated from the race." They sigh sadly and talk about having gone the opposite direction. One of them interviews, "Even though we made it so far, there's a million dollars on the line, and you know, we completely blew it." On the mat, Natalie says, "the Beekmans have tricks up their sleeve." They've learned from the experience that "we need to harness the potential we have into a more positive reaction instead of only crazy." They really were all over the place. Still, they say they had a lot of fun on the race, which cues a montage of their greatest moments. Naturally that includes a lot of cheering each other and hugging strangers. "Now we're going back to our lives and we have each other and that's more important at the end of the day." Who are these people? Well, then one of them adds, "Whatever, but we suck, so it's fine." Okay, those are the twins I know. Marie Antoinette wishes them "Au revoir (Goodbye)" and they're done. Did not see that coming, but then they were always inconsistent. One week they'd be doing great and the ? Only crazy.

And now the montage of the top three teams talking big about winning before going into the final leg. "This one has to be our first and only win," Josh says, because of course he and Brent never even came in second, let alone first. And Trey says, "There's no friends in that last leg," Trey says. Prove it.

All right, halfway there. After the intermission, we're back (still?) in the Loire Valley. "Known as the garden of France," Phil says, "it is scattered with spectacular chateaux like this: Chateau de Chenonceau." I think Phil just wanted to use a word with an x as a plural. Which at this point, halfway through a thirty-page recap, I can appreciate. "Once the home to a succession of powerful French women, it is now the start of the twelfth and final leg in a race around the world." We watch as Jaymes & James get to excitedly check out their new cars after the end of the leg (the foot switch figuring prominently, of course) before we cut to the dead of night, when they begin the last leg at 1:33 AM. The clue says, "Fly to your final destination, New York, New York." So it's most of the way around the world, as usual, coming up three time zones short this season. Anyway, the clue contains a postcard of an amusement park with "Wish you were here!" written on the back. Jaymes guesses that's Coney Island, but before we get confirmation of that, Phil tells us, "teams will now fly 3,600 miles across the Atlantic Ocean to their final destination: New York City." It's a little jarring to see such a familiar location on The Amazing Race after all this time. Sure enough, per Phil the postcard is indeed sending them to the Coney Island boardwalk, which of course at that point in this year still existed. There are posters lining the fence, and the one advertising "The Amazing Houdini" has a little extra feature: a slapped-on decal instructing, "RACE TO THE BROOKLYN NAVY YARD" like it's a selling point. The Ja/mses head to the taxis as Jaymes says they're in this so they can go home and take care of their families. Go Chippendale families!

Trey & Lexi start the final leg in second place, at 1:44 AM. Lexi talks about how much they've learned on the race. "I mean, we didn't even know what Customs was before we left for the race." They certainly couldn't have been expected to learn about it from watching this show. She also says they've learned about communication with each other and how to love each other even more. "We're ready to take down that million," Trey concludes. Way to leave a tender moment alone, dude.

In the taxi, the Chippendales suddenly remember that whether the third team is the twins or the Beekmans, "They're both from New York." Well, someone always is. "We gotta make sure that we're on top of our game, because we got some locals we're playing against today," Jaymes says.

The goat farmers are indeed happy to be heading home to New York, even if it is 3:06 AM when their leg starts. Josh reminds us in an interview that he's been working in the city for the last five years while Josh has been on the farm full-time, and the million dollars would help them pay off the farm mortgage so they can be together again. "But also it would mean that we accomplished one of the biggest challenges that we've ever set out in our lives." Which, he says, is saying something. In the taxi, Josh says they have home advantage, but Brent warns him not to count his million dollars yet. Let up, Brent, I think this is the first time Josh has allowed himself to visualize winning.

At the airport, the Chippendales and Team Austin sit in suspense waiting to find out who the third team is. They act happy to see that it's Josh & Brent, and there are hugs all around. Liars.

In the morning, everyone gets on an American Airlines flight. The Chippendales have ditched their backpacks permanently, and I think the other teams probably have as well. "Somebody's going to end up with some nice, stinky Chippendale clothes," says Jaymes, who for once looks like he couldn't bring himself to throw away his razor unused after all. James adds that they've also jettisoned their alliances. "There's going to be no more sharing of information." I'll believe it when I see it. They take their seats on the plane, traveling as light as if they're on a city bus. Lexi and Trey make similar comments. "There's no friends in that last leg," Trey repeats. "When we're racing, we're gonna do whatever we have to to win." Josh also repeats that they haven't won any legs, so this is going to have to be their first and only one. "There is no second or third place." Sure there is; there just isn't a prize for them.

The plane takes off, and an old-school Amazing Red Line cuts across the Atlantic from Paris to New York, whose b-roll includes the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and Times Square, all of which make me wish I knew what I was looking at in the b-roll of the other cities that this show visits. Soon everyone's running through what I assume is JFK (it's hard to tell with all the fast cuts and how I haven't been through JFK in a very long time) and jumping into taxis to get to Coney Island. The Chippendales manage it first, then Team Austin, then the goat farmers. And they're all super, super excited, as befits the arrival in the host city for the final leg, when we all know that by the end of the hour, the mood for two teams will be replaced by bitter disappointment. "If all else goes wrong, we'll just take the cab right home," Josh cracks. "Does a million dollars fit in the trunk?"

At Coney Island, it's a sunny day and the rides are all in motion when the Chippendales pull up, asking their driver to wait. Same with Trey & Lexi. Jaymes & James are busy trying to triangulate their position on the Boardwalk to match the vantage point shown on their postcard. That done, they start looking around for clues. "Anything red and yellow," Jaymes says, which is not going to help them find the yellow-and-black sign on the Houdini poster that looks like it belongs there. Trey & Lexi are searching as well, but it's busy, and colorful, and chaotic, and nothing's standing out. They end up entering the amusement park to look around, while the camera keeps zooming in on that Houdini sign like it's so hard to miss and they're all idiots for not seeing it. Soon they're focusing their attention upwards, assuming that the final leg will have some height-based task as usual.

Josh & Brent have arrived outside, and Josh appears to be taking a more Zen approach while the other two teams flail around inside the park, finding nothing and deciding to check the beach. Josh & Brent, meanwhile, are sticking to their more focused approach, looking back and forth at the scene pictured on the postcard and the real thing as though playing one of those "find the differences" game. And since that Houdini poster is even visible in the postcard, this is going to be even harder than I thought. Jaymes walks right by it again, though, passing obliviously within five yards of it. But Lexi spots it, quietly telling Trey about the sign that says "RACE TO THE BROOKLYN NAVY YARD." "It says The Amazing Houdini," Trey adds, still not the brains of the operation. They try to play it cool, debating whether to write it down or try to remember, but Brent spots it as they move down the Boardwalk, so they need to get going. "I told you to read the signs," Brent scolds Josh, because Josh is apparently the literate one. "Yes, it's all my fault," Josh says flatly. Running back to their cab, Trey wonders if they gave it away to the Beekmans, and says, "Dammit!" when Lexi says yes. Both teams are on their way. Jaymes & James are thus "currently in last place," with no prospects other than Jaymes's observation that the Beekmans just bolted like they suddenly knew where they were going. All they know is that they're missing something. "Dude, it's gotta be right here in front of our faces." Jaymes says, completely correctly.

As the two lead teams get back to their cabs, Trey's still worried about having given the game away to the Beekmans, but Lexi says that their threat isn't the goat farmers but the Chippendales. Who we leave looking utterly flummoxed in an Amazing Camera Shot of Jaymes looking right at the clue and not seeing it. Could this be where they lose it for good?

But after the ads, Jaymes decides it has to be one of the signs in front of them. Approaching them for a closer read, he spots the one sending them to the Brooklyn Navy Yard, and they dart out of there at a dead run like it's not a sign but a bomb. In the cab, Jaymes says the other teams left about fifteen minutes ago, but "We can catch up on these active things." They'd better hope so.

In the taxi to the Navy Yard, Lexi confesses to not knowing who the Amazing Houdini is in the first place. "A magician," Trey understates. Lexi figures they'll have to do a magic trick. Brent's knowledge of Houdini lore is more specific, and he speculates to Josh on the upcoming task, "They're probably gonna handcuff us, dunk us in a big tank of water...I think it's your turn."

Trey & Lexi are the first to arrive at the Navy Yard's Clinton Avenue Gate. Sure enough, the Roadblock question is, "Who's up for an Amazing Escape?" Wow, so Ford Escape paid for their name to be in two episodes? Phil narrates over some old footage of the man himself, "Harry Houdini is regarded as the world's greatest escape artist, and performed many of his mind-blowing feats here in the city where he made his name: New York." Wait, I thought he made his name Houdini? Anyway, Phil says the teams will have to "perform a Houdini classic." A member of each team will be strapped into a straitjacket and then hooked to a crane, which will lift them by their ankles to a spot fifteen stories above a dry-dock. "If they don't panic and can figure out how to escape, they will then be surprised by a gut-wrenching bungee free-fall." Lovely! I don't think I would care for that kind of surprise, would you? At the very least, I'd regret ditching all my other pants back in Paris. Phil concludes, "Once they're back on their feet, they'll receive their clue." Lexi nominates Trey, even though he doesn't like heights or constraints. "I'm definitely gonna be conquering some demons with this one," he says as technicians hurry to get him into his harness.

The Beekmans arrive, and Brent takes it a bit reluctantly. He claims to be less bothered by the heights than by figuring out how to escape the straitjacket. This is one of those rare things I think I could actually handle, having carefully watched Penn & Teller do it once. Just don't crank me up a hundred and fifty feet in the air and then drop me and I'm good.

"I love you!" Lexi hollers down to Trey in extreme close-up as he's put into his straitjacket. He's clearly getting worried, facing two of his three fears, the third one being marriage. "I'm gonna be all right up there, right?" he asks the techs, who don't bother answering. Worst-case scenario, he won't have to face his third fear of the first two take him out.

When the Chippendales arrive, Jaymes is so excited to read the description of the Roadblock that of course he takes it. Trey is lifted up, dangling from a scaffolding platform that has a guy positioned on top of it, so that should tell him there's a little more to this than a simple escape. Otherwise they'd just loop the crane's hook through the bonds around his ankles and call it good. Lexi is still calling encouragement to him, saying, "You get to see New York in a way no one else has, babe!" Once he's in position and a horn sounds to let him know it's time to start, Trey says he's also seen it done, so he knew he had to get his arms over his head. This he starts struggling to do just that. Which he does, although in the process he loses the ever-present bandanna around his head, which presumably plummets to its death. Eventually he gets the ends of the sleeves loose, so now he has to fumble with the buckles in back, although he's worried that he's going to undo his harness by accident. I suspect there are probably safeguards in place for that, Trey. Eventually he gets the whole thing up off over his head and drops it, and no sooner has he done that than he begins following his bandanna toward the ground at high speed. Lexi screams even more than he does. "I'm still very scared!" Trey says as he realizes he's still attached to the crane by a bungee and he begins bouncing up and down. Presumably this part will be less of a surprise for Brent and Jaymes. Trey interviews that it helped him get over a fear. "Hopefully, I won't ever do it again." He runs to meet Lexi again as Brent is raised into the air, chuckling nervously. He looks oddly natural in a straitjacket, I have to say. "Let's go, Hercules!" Lexi says as she and Trey reunite and read the clue, which says, "Make your way to the first pizzeria in New York." That would appear to be Lombardi's, with a Mona Lisa knock-off painting outside. "Oh my gosh, I hope I don't have to eat pizza," Lexi says, like this is TAR6 or something.

Brent is at the full height, and Josh coaches him to get his hands free. Good advice, that. "I'm trusting y'all with my life," Jaymes says from inside his straitjacket. "I got loved ones."

Team Austin's cab driver doesn't know the name of the first pizzeria in New York, but he's got a cell phone they can look it up on, so they soon know they need to get to Lombardi's and they're on their way.

Brent is discovering that a straitjacket isn't all that easy to get out of. But as Jaymes is just leaving the ground, Brent manages to make the breakthrough of getting his sleeves over his head. "I came right up to the edge of starting to panic," he interviews. "And I just told myself, do not go there, because I knew once I did, there'd be no turning back." Would have been great TV, though. Soon he's free of the straitjacket, and free of the scaffolding as it drops him onto the bungee while Josh cheers him from the waiting area. Jaymes is up and in position to start trying, and powerfully motivated to free himself quickly. As Brent collects his clue, Jaymes more or less just Hulks out of it and waits for the drop, saying, "I got this, I got this," and is soon dangling from the bungee cord. "Dang, he's done already," Brent says before he and Josh have even opened their clue. The Beekmans are asking around and finding out about Lombardi's, and then the Chippendales try to go back to their taxi, which is gone, so they walk into a store and ask for both a call to a cab company and a little New York pizzeria history. Lombardi's it is. Too bad about their taxi being gone. They ate up one lag and will soon be facing another.

Across town, Trey & Lexi have already arrived at Lombardi's in Little Italy. There are no diners here today; just tables full of pizza boxes, and John, the owner, waiting for them behind the counter. He greets them warmly and welcomes them to the country's first pizzeria. Funny, he doesn't look that old. There are indeed three clues under three whole pizzas on display dishes, and before opening one, Lexi wonders if they'll have to finish one. "That'd be sweet, right?" But no, they have to deliver ten pizzas to three different locations on foot. The three destinations and the order for each one is written in a blackboard over each stack of ten pizzas, which the teams will have to memorize for their deliveries "to loyal Lombardi customers scattered around Little Italy." Phil says that John the owner will hand them their clue, which he holds up to show a little blue luggage tag with the United Nations logo on it. We'll see what that's about later, I assume.

Trey & Lexi get right to work figuring out their orders and memorizing the three addresses. They each grab a stack and head outside, at which point the arriving Beekmans spot them and get a pretty good idea of what they're going to have to do. Team Austin gets directions to Mulberry street and starts schlepping their pies in that direction, with Lexi in the lead.

Josh & Brent open their clue, and come up with a strategy of looking at each order board to see which one has the closest addresses. It's the home field advantage all over. Josh memorizes the pizzas while Brent memorizes the addresses. Of course Brent is going to take the smaller set of information so he can blame Josh for forgetting something. Meanwhile, John looks a bit annoyed at how Josh keeps opening all the boxes to see what's inside. They're going to get cold, you know. Josh says that of all the pizzas delivered to them in all their years living in New York, they've never delivered one themselves. Soon they're out on the street, about to change that.

The Chippendales are also on the street, but they're still waiting for a taxi to take them from the Navy Yard to Lombardi's, which is just now arriving. These two need to get their shit together already.

Trey & Lexi deliver the first batch of pizzas to the Italian American Museum at 155 Mulberry Street, and according to a graphic onscreen and a triumphant "ding!" on the soundtrack, they did it correctly. Josh & Brent drop off some pies at the Lotus Salon at 7 Prince Street, also correctly. Trey & Lexi get directions to Lafayette. While proceeding to Mulberry, Josh says he hopes they're the right pizzas, though he has to say it three times before Brent hears him. Team Austin delivers to Bicycle Habitat at 250 Lafayette, and heads to the third stop. "I better get a pizza at Lombardi Pizza after this," Trey says. Oddly, a lot of these runs are being filmed from directly overhead, like the camera crews are making use of some Amazing Fire Escapes or we're watching Without a Trace. It's probably the former, if only to get the idea of "Escape" in our heads one more time for their friends at Ford. Josh & Brent get to 166 Mulberry, but a buzzer goes off to indicate what the onscreen graphic tells us is an "incorrect delivery." We flash back to Lombardi's, when they talked about the top three on the stack going to 377 Broome instead, but the apartment resident accepts the top three pizzas on the stack without complaint. "You must be hungry," Brent observes. "Starving!" the dude roars back. On to the place. Meanwhile, the Chippendales are realizing they have a slow cabdriver. That's always a thrilling discovery in the final leg.

Trey & Lexi deliver their last four pizzas to the residents of 58 Kenmare Street, Apartment 1, who don't seem to mind having their address broadcast on CBS prime time. That's their third correct delivery, so it's back to Lombardi's for them. Josh & Brent, having already make one incorrect delivery, by necessity make another one when they drop off the remainder of their pizzas at a vintage clothing store at 377 Broome St., complete with another buzzer they can't hear. "God I hope these are right," Josh says as they run back. "If they're not, you know there'll be hell to pay," Brent replies. Yes, I think we all know that.

Jaymes & James decide to bail on their driver and run the rest of the way, telling him to meet them there. They start running down the sidewalk, probably not wondering right now whether any of their fare will get prorated out given that they had to go part of the way under their own steam. Trey & Lexi return to Lombardi's and get their clue just before the Chippendales arrive, and Trey appears confused by the U.N. tag in his hands. They decide to go outside to figure it out as the Ja/mses come in, Currently In Last Place, and shake hands with John. As Team Austin realizes the tag is their entire clue and they have no idea what it means, we suddenly cut to Phil, who is coming to is from the General Assembly chamber at the U.N. building. "Teams must figure out that this is the emblem from the United Nations, an organization represented by a hundred and ninety-three countries," he says. I think figuring out that second part is optional, though. The camera zooms out past all the empty seats and takes in some of the public art outside as Phil continues, "Established after World War II, the U.N. is focused on solving humanitarian issues and maintaining world peace. Once they arrive at the U.N. headquarters, teams will receive their clue. "And there's a clue box standing there on Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, with three diplomats standing nearby but studiously looking in another direction. Back outside Lombardi's, Trey & Lexi still have no idea what they're looking at, so they stop some dude to ask him for help. He quickly recognizes the U.N. logo like a normal person, so Trey & Lexi tell their driver to take them there.

Jaymes & James are sorting through the pizzas, none too gently. "Take it easy with the boxes," John admonishes. They're still at it when Josh & Brent return. "You made a mistake, on Mulberry Street and Broome Street," John tells them at once. "You gotta take 'em and redo them." Josh picks up more boxes and confirms with Brent, "You remember where they are, right?" "I know the addresses, that was my job," Brent snipes passive-aggressively. See, what did I tell you?

After the ads, Josh is arranging the orders for their second attempt while Brent bitches to the camera, "I took two addresses to memorize, and all Josh had to do was get the right pizza pies. And he didn't do that correctly so now we have to redeliver two of the orders." Welcome to The Amazing Blame Game.. before leading Brent out carrying six pizzas (so at least they don't have to go back to the one they did right,) Josh confirms he knows where they're going. "I can do my job," Brent snits. He's not done, either; out in the street, he says, "Cannot believe that you did that. And are still making me carry all the pizzas!" Josh relieves Brent of a few, so maybe Brent will give him a little relief in return (not likely).

The Chippendales are loaded up and memorizing their addresses before taking off. "Good luck, boys," John the owner says. James narrates that they could tell themselves catching up after the Beekmans' mistake. Which they are, at least until the Chippendales eventually make another one. Speaking of the Beekmans, they arrive back at Ritual Vintage at 377 Broome Street, hand over Josh's three pizzas, and head to 366 Mulberry, with Brent is now carrying all the pizzas again. The Chippendales arrive at their first delivery spot, Mr. Sapola at 27 Prince Street, and deliver four pizzas correctly. Josh & Brent return to 166 Mulberry and hand the boisterous apartment resident three more free pizzas. "Have a party!" Brent advises. And then, running back to Lombardi's, he throws a blame party for Josh, saying, "Don't make errors and expect me not to point them out. That's just ridiculous." And then he swats him on the arm as they run, just for good measure. Which is totally understandable, given that Brent managed to memorize two whole addresses and Josh couldn't even remember the third address and which ones of ten pizzas went to each address. If only Josh had done his 84.6% of the task properly they wouldn't be in this position.

The Ja/mses arrive at a shop called Unis on 226 Elizabeth Street, and their second delivery is correct as well.

Riding in their cab to the U.N., Lexi speculates that they'll "have to do something with the path we took." Trey hopes so, because "we got that locked dowwwn." We're fast running out of time for that hard crash into reality I've been forecasting for these two, I'll freely admit. If it doesn't come soon, it's not going to happen.

Josh & Brent return to Lombardi's, and John tells them they did it. "Now," he says, wrapping a lanyard around the U.N. luggage tag he's handing them as their clue, "Get outta here." Pushing his luck, Brent asks for a free pizza, and John says, "When you come back." We'll have to wait and see whether they'll still want one by then. Of course they immediately recognize the U.N. logo, and go right into a cab. Once they're in the back seat, Brent keeps talking about how they can't make any more mistakes in the final leg. "So I made a mistake. I'm apologizing. I'd like to not hear about it again." Brent claims he won't bring it up. Ten times must be his limit.

The Chippendales deliver their last three pizzas to apartment 13 at 42 Rivington, where the householder has unwisely taped his name to the door. You might be getting visitors soon, Christo Vive. Jaymes & James return to Lombardi's, where John gruffly says, "Congratulations. Good job," and hands over their luggage tag. Outside, Jaymes shows it to a couple of bystanders, who also know what the United Nations logo is, unlike Jaymes & James, and they're soon in their cab on their way there, still in third place but still hoping to catch up. Time is running out, gentlemen.

Team Austin gets dropped off in front of the U.N. They run in through the open gates, and Lexi's all excited to see a clue box there indicating a challenge, as though it's their first instead of their last. Trey opens the clue, which is for another Roadblock. As is usually the case with double-Roadblock legs, the member of each team who didn't do the other one has to do this one, which means Lexi. Who is still excited. "Who has a way with words?" she reads from the clue.

We cut to a space further inside the grounds, and the moment we spot the flags stretched out on racks and printed with phrases like "Do Svidaniya" and "Au Revoir" and "Apegezicht" printed on them, you and I both know within one frame what's going on. But let's let Phil explain it anyway: "This Roadblock -- and final challenge -- requires teams to identify the way they heard 'hello' and 'goodbye' in the nine U.N. countries they visited during the race." This is accompanied by a montage of black-and-white flashbacks to nine different greeters greeting teams at the end of most of this season's legs, along with the overly helpful subtitles we've all been noticing all along. "Now they must join the correct hello and goodbye with the flags of the countries they're from." We're shown what this task will look like when it's completed, with the nine flags fluttering on poles overhead, and each hello and goodbye flag hoisted up to hang beneath each country's flag. What Phil doesn't mention is that one of those nine countries is the United States, which means even Gary and Will would be able to get those greetings right on the first try. After a racer has gotten them all correct, they'll get to raise the U.N. flag, which will bring their final clue -- currently attached high on the lanyard -- down to where they can reach it, as Phil demonstrates.

Lexi is led to the courtyard by one of the task's judges, saying, "This is a little overwhelming." She decides to start with France last, and finds "Bon Jour." While she attaches it to the upper spot of the moving rack at the bottom of the pole flying the French flag, Trey tells us this is going to be hard. "We took great notes of the places we went and all that kinda stuff, but we did not write down what the greeters said to us...I'm glad Lexi's doing it. She's a smart girl, I think she can figure it out." But before attaching Au Revoir to the French flag, she goes back another leg to Spain and heaves on the rope to raise the flag-rack she's loaded with "Hola" and "Adios" to just under the Spanish flag. As she does so, a graphic marked "Lexi's Flags" appears on the bottom of the screen, along with a row of all eight flags of the foreign countries visited this season, in order. We flash back to the headless greeter waving "Hola" and "Adios" -- even more than we already have been in our nightmares, that is -- and Lexi is rewarded with a triumphant "ding!" on the soundtrack and the Spanish flag on her graphic getting highlighted in green to indicate a correctly completed flag. The task judge also tells her she's got that one right, so at least they're not going to have to get them all correct before getting any feedback. Otherwise they still might be there today. As it is, Lexi warns Trey that this is going to be time-consuming, and he calls back not get frustrated. You know, I'm the anal-retentive loser who would always try to frantically transcribe the subtitles as they went by, because the progress bar on my DVR would always cover them up when I tried to pause. I swear I spent ten minutes with "Zdravstvujtye" alone. So I actually expended some time on these greetings, which probably helped them stick in my mind a lot more. I didn't have to stand there and listen to them fly past in real time, out of breath and amped up on adrenalin at the end of a leg, and I would find this task challenging after several flags. For the racers, this is going to be fiendishly difficult. I approve.

The goat farmers are approaching, and Brent frets, "This is a winner-take-all game, so it's either first place or nothing." But what happened to "come back with two million dollars or come back dead"? I guess they did come close a time or two. They're dropped off, and as they get out of their cab, Josh interviews, "I've lived in New York for years, and I've always driven by the U.N. building and thought it was one of the most beautiful buildings. So being able to walk through those gates for the first time, after living here twenty years? I was really impressed." Odd choice of words there, unless he's complimenting the production, in which case it's obvious why they used it. Josh is of course taking on the Roadblock, since Brent did the other one. Josh is led to a "flagpole station" while Brent joins Trey at the waiting area and observes to Josh that Lexi's only finished with one. Don't worry, the racers are prevented from seeing each other's work by temporary party tents that have been erected between each flagpole station, but they all seem to be visible from the waiting area where the partners are going to be watching. Trey admits to Brent that he'd be in trouble if he were the one doing this.

Brent calls admonishingly to Josh, "Come on, Josh, you're just going to have to run a little bit faster. You know you are in a race for a million dollars." Josh is also starting with the ones he knows, planning to use the process of elimination after that. He hoists his Spanish greetings up and gets that flag highlighted on the screen, even though a completed Dutch flag is also clearly visible right behind it. Lexi is attaching "Bon Jour" and "Au Revoir," to her French flagpole, just guessing because she doesn't know any French. Wow, I thought everybody knew at least that much French. But she guessed right, and she has two flags finished, with a flashback to Marie Antoinette saying both greetings. Josh also gets his French phrases posted as Brent tells us that Josh is both better at languages and more visual than he is. So I would imagine Josh spends a lot of time visualizing Brent shutting up and coming up with new linguistic methods for making it happen.

The Chippendales arrive in third place and run right in. Naturally James is taking this one. Jaymes interviews post-leg, "Every time we checked in, they always said hello and goodbye, and Phil would say, 'that means hello' and 'that means goodbye.' I just thought they were being cordial!" Yeah, oops. Seeing them arrive, Brent says it's now a three-way race. "Nobody's gonna know these," Jaymes assures James. Like the others, James starts with Spain and France, the ones he knows. Meanwhile, Lexi complains, "There's probably a thousand ways of putting these up correctly." Well, no, there's only one correct way, but I see what she's saying. And she doesn't have time to sit and do the math, but I do, and according to my calculations, the actual number of possible permutations, with four greeting flags already accounted for and fourteen left to go, is...more than 87 billion. Wow, I really hope I'm wrong about that. And that's only correct if there are no flags that don't go anywhere, which we'll see later there are. I guess the good news is that with each pair of flags hung correctly, the number of remaining combinations drops to less than one percent of that, so after she gets the ones right she's only got 479 million possible combinations to go. Lexi interviews post-leg about how it was emotion overload and the words were all running together. "It's just hard, 'cause I can't control this," she complains to Trey, who encourages her to just keep guessing because that's all she can do.

Josh is attaching "Olga Doma" (which is not a greeting but Russian for "Is Olga home?" as far as I can tell) and "Do Svidaniya" under Russia, earning a buzzer and a red X over his Russian flag on the screen, as he says he panicked over the ones he didn't know. James is just blindly guessing, trying out a couple of phrases that he thinks sound "Bangladese" [sic]. "Aabar Dekha Hobe" and "Selamat Tingaal" turn out to be wrong, though, wouldn't you know it, and he's still got only one country completed. Lexi misses the greetings for Indonesia, which I can't blame her for because other than Amy & Daniel's elimination, I didn't remember one thing about that second leg before looking it up, up to and including the fact that it took place in Indonesia. Trey keeps cheering her on, even as she messes up Russia as well. Josh also misses Indonesia on the first try, and James does another trial and error with some Turkish greetings, complete with error. Lexi says that when they first saw the flags she thought they had it in the bag, but when she realized it was the hellos and goodbyes, "that's when my heart went..." and she makes a plummeting sound and gesture. And then those waggish Amazing Editors cut right to one of her flag racks plummeting down the pole and striking her on the head. Luckily they look like lightweight plastic, but they're pretty sizable and that still has to smart. Not to mention the fact that what look like Dutch and Chinese greetings on the rack just add insult to injury.

Trey asks if she's all right, and Brent says, "Oh, no." Josh starts walking in that direction, also asking if she's okay but stopping short of being able to see her flags (as if they'd be any help) and when Trey approaches her, she starts having a meltdown, more out of frustration than pain, I think. "It sucks because we've done so good on the race and it's all because of [unintelligible sobs]. I just want this so bad." Yep, here it is, that confidence-puncturing event I've been predicting for a few legs now. Just their bad luck it didn't come sooner, when they still would have had time to recover. And it's kind of embarrassing that it's happening in the U.S. After the ads, Lexi gets back to work as Trey interviews, "When she started crying, I wanted to start crying, because that's the person I love most in the world!" Just wait until you've been married a few years.

Getting back to work, Josh gets the Chinese greetings wrong, but he's only got them swapped, and after reversing them, he's got three flags completed, with a flashback to the greeter in Shanghai saying "Ni Hao" and "Zai jian." Brent, who just a minute ago was saying that this task would frustrate him more than it seems to be frustrating Josh, reminds him that every second counts. "Do you think I don't know that?" Josh snaps back. Look who's finally in the race, everybody.

Jaymes watches as James correctly hoists the French greetings, telling us that he doesn't think anyone else knows any more than he does. Josh raises "Aabar Dekha Hobe" and "Shagotom" under the Turkish flag, while a helpful new graphic in the upper corner tells us it's actually "Merhaba" and "Hoscakal." "Not so good," Josh says, letting those drop while Lexi tries "Hoscakal" and "Olga Doma" for the same country. Trey tells her to do process of elimination. "That's easy for you today," she laughs mirthlessly. James attaches "Hai" and "Merhaba," which are clearly not even on the same landmass, as Jaymes jokes about merhaba sounding like a sandwich. Josh is now hanging "Hallo" and "Tot Ziens" under the Dutch flag, hoping the former is correct. He interviews that he transformed it "from a language problem to a math problem at the end." No, Josh, your ignorance of the languages transformed it to a math problem for you. Here's some math: after a flashback to the Dutch milkmaid saying "Hallo" and "Tot Ziens" confirms that he got the Dutch greetings correct -- his fifth pair, along with China, France, Spain, and presumably the U.S. -- he's only got about forty thousand more combinations to try. Josh pumps his arms nerdily while Brent warns, "All right, Josh, don't take too much time celebrating." And by no means should Josh start thinking that he's redeemed himself for the pizza debacle that was entirely his fault and which he was in no way set up for.

James is posting his Russian greetings, struggling to pronounce "Zdravstvujtye." But his guess turns out to be correct, as we flash back to Catherine the Great saying "Do Svidaniya" and that other thing that I'm resolved to never type again for the rest of my life. Josh also finishes Russia , so there are only three more countries for him to get right, representing a paltry 720 possible permutations. James is over in his area, describing his almost total recall of every greeter they met: "I remember the person clear as day, what they're wearing, and then they bow and say, 'Sub-bluh-bluh bluh.'" Heh. There's a flashback to the Indonesian greeter saying "Selamat Tingaal," which isn't far off. Neither are James's guesses for that country, as he raises "Hai" and "Olga Doma" instead of "Hai" and "Selamat Tingaal." "The worst part of this is you wouldn't even know if you got half of it right," James says, having gotten half of that one right. Lexi interviews that every time they landed on the mat throughout, she paid attention to everything except what the greeters said. Clearly she's bitterly regretting that now.

Time passes. Rather a lot of it, in fact. There's a helicopter shot of the sun setting over Manhattan like in I Am Legend, and an onscreen graphic informs us that more than two hours and thirty-one minutes have elapsed, with seconds still ticking past. In other words, long enough for this task to have effectively wiped out everything that came before it, all the way back to when they left JFK. Under the darkening sky, James gets a guess wrong for Bangladesh, although at least Shagotom, hello, is up there, albeit in the spot where "Aabar Dekha Hobe" should go. By this time he has only two flags (Bangladesh and Turkey) to go, representing a mere two dozen combinations not counting the dummies. Might as well brute-force it from here, and indeed that appears to be what he's doing. Lexi is far behind with only four flags completed and four to go, and the buzzer she gets from hanging the two correct Turkish greetings with their positions swapped is just as loud as it would be if they weren't up there at all. Josh gets his Turkish flags up, with a flashback to the bandleader's mustache shouting, "Merhaba" and "Hoscakal." Josh has only one left. "Bangladesh. Oh, God, Bangladesh."

Meanwhile, Jaymes is assuring James that there's no faster way to do this and he's doing great. James gets Bangladesh correct, and we flash back to the orange-bearded guy saying "Shagotom (Hello)" and the pretty lady saying, "Aabar Dekha Hobe (Goodbye)." That leaves only Turkey for James. "We could actually get this," Jaymes says excitedly. Josh raises some flags for Bangladesh and still gets some wrong, because the dummy greetings are slowing him down. Nefarious, Amazing Race. "Bangladesh was not good to us," Josh says, and asks Brent if the other teams are still over there. Brent says they are, but not to worry about anyone else, which cues a round of bickering. Josh interviews that he was feeling motivated by the possibility of actually winning something for the first time in this race, and he eventually gets the Bangladeshi greetings in place. The female task judge just congratulates him and sends him over to raise the U.N. flag. "I love the world!" he says, scampering across some of the very lot upon which that sentiment would be most welcome. He raises the flag, lowering the last clue in the process, and they read, "This is it, the Finish Line. Make your way to Gotham Hall. Go, go, go!" The other teams offer desultory congratulations as the goat farmers run off. Trey comes over to Lexi to tell her it's okay, but she's crying with disappointment again. But at least their confidence and cheerfulness always served them well when things were going their way.

Out on the street, the camera pans down from a view of the lit-up spire of the Chrysler Building down to where the Beekmans are standing on an empty sidewalk, loudly asking anyone in earshot for a smartphone or an iPhone. Brent points out a cab and tells Josh to run. They stand outside the driver's window and ask him to find out about Gotham Hall. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't know what that is. Josh tells him there's a million dollars on the line while the camera pans back up to the Chrysler building.

James gets the Bangladeshi greetings right, and there's a ding-ding-ding! before James's judge sends him to the final flagpole to raise the U.N. flag and get their clue. Jaymes opens it and reads it, and they go pelting toward the street.

Josh has found Gotham Hall on the cabdriver's phone: "1356 Broadway, Broadway and 36th Street." Only a few blocks from where the TARcons happen, coincidentally or not. I wonder how many of the partygoers made a pilgrimage over there after the show. "So fast you can't believe it," he says, and they're soon in the cab, but not without another look at the Chrysler Building, like the Amazing Cameraman is fifteen years old and it's a pair of naked boobs. Jaymes & James also get into a cab, apparently already knowing the address somehow. Jaymes tells James he did a good job, but James sighs, "Not good enough, the Beekmans got ahead of us." The Beekmans were ahead of you, James, ever since Coney Island. Jaymes says it's all right, because they've learned that anything can happen. Which, after all, is why the Beekmans are still in the race at all. We cut to the latter team's cab, Josh fretting that "for all we know, those guys are leaving right now," when in fact it's worse and they already have, and they'll get there faster. "Like they did every leg of the race," Brent adds. But Josh has faith in their driver, Gary. The Ja/mses high-five over making it to the last leg, still hoping something happened to the Beekmans to keep them from reaching the finish line. "Get ready to run," Jaymes says, taking off his jacket. Dude, it's New York City. Unless the Finish Line is in Central Park, it's not going to be a footrace.

And suddenly, the camera careens through the front door of Gotham Hall and between some heavy curtains into a large, high, circular room occupied only by Phil, a giant mat, and the eight previously eliminated teams, applauding expectantly. And in run... Josh & Brent, who won it after all, proving a whole lot of people wrong, myself not least among them. Josh crashes to his knees and pounds the mat in front of Phil. Abbie points and laughs in amazement, and we get to see the boys actually kiss on camera as everyone continues cheering. Phil makes his winner-speech: "Three continents, nine countries, twenty cities, more than twenty-five thousand miles...Josh and Brent, I am pleased to tell you that you have won the one-million-dollar prize and you are the official winners of the Amazing Race!" They're happy, obviously, and the other teams look happy for them. "We never ever thought we would hear you say those words to us," Brent says. "Ever." The twins laugh, apparently over the whole "evil gays" thing. As the room calms down, Josh makes a speech about how they were underdogs, and he hopes they've proved to people that "whether they're a minority or they're out of work or they're losing their house, or whatever, that if they just keep going, and just keep working as hard as they can, people will help and at some point you will win." He interviews that this will bring them physically closer, as the prize money will enable him to leave his job in the city so they can be together, "for the fifty years." Phil asks everyone else, "What do you say, guys?" and another round of cheers echoes through the hall as Josh & Brent hug again.

The Chippendales enter and come to the mat at a dead run, never mind the fact that the winners are already there. Yes, anything could have happened, but it didn't, and probably isn't going to now. There are more hugs between the four of them, and Phil congratulates Jaymes & James on being the second team to arrive. James is doing the talking for once, making the usual speech about what an incredible experience it was, because Jaymes is looking unhappier than we've ever seen him, his arms folded and his face without a trace of a smile for the first time ever while he takes a deep, disappointed breath. No doubt he's thinking about his dad, who won't be getting the benefits of his half of the million-dollar prize. "And we got your mom a car," he remembers to add to James's speech. There's a shot of James & Abba, who I guess got some new passports, although it would be tacky of me to mention that Abba's losing his in the first place is the only reason Josh & Brent didn't finish in sixth. Jaymes says they had an incredible experience, and James says it was an amazing experience competing with them all. Jaymes finds the silver lining as he interviews, "Maybe the world will have a different view of Chippendales now. I don't know. I don't know if that's better or worse." I don't, know, I have a pretty good view of these two. And by the way, if you're feeling bad about Jaymes's dad getting stiffed, I saw at Reality Blurred that Jaymes set up a website for donations that's here. It's technically SFW, but you might want to be discreet anyway because there's some shirtlessness.

Trey & Lexi come running in, whether she finished the Roadblock or not, as Phil says ,"Texas is in the house." Hard to miss that, what with Trey having been wearing his Lone Star shorts again today. They hug the winners and runners-up and Phil doctor-voices that they should be proud of officially being the third team to arrive. Lexi weepily talks about how amazing it was and getting to spend a solid month with Trey. Who in turn interviews that the race made their relationship stronger. "I think we are definitely ready for that step. It's just a matter of when Trey's ready for that step," she says, like he's going to propose on camera or something. I think the best advice I can give Lexi is to just keep nagging.

So then everyone gathers on the big mat for hugs, and Monster Truck Rob says, "The Beekman Boys changed my life dramatically, opened my eyes to see that, hey look, it's not for me to judge anybody on their lifestyle or who they are or what they do." Josh finishes up with more comments about how this proves to the underdogs of the world, "It doesn't matter how bad things are going at the moment." "[You] just can't quit," Brent says. "Nice guys do finish first sometimes," Josh concludes. And in this case, so did his partner.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.