Stumbling Toward Ecstasy

S20E11

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The final four leave Cochin for Japan. There's a lot of frantic dashing around Hiroshima by night, and Other Rachel and Dave miss the last ferry of the evening. Which unsurprisingly ends up being for naught, as everyone else had to wait overnight for the clue anyway. In the morning, everyone undergoes a little forced contemplation of the tragedy of Hiroshima before getting on a bullet train to Osaka, where they participate in a fake Japanese game show. It's simple enough; they just run along a treadmill to try to catch chickens dangling overhead. But remember that Vanessa hurt her ankle in the leg, so a running challenge is nearly a deal-breaker for her. After Art, Brendon, and Other Rachel are long gone, she's still there, but she sucks it up and manages to finish.

The other teams proceed to a spectacular observation deck atop a skyscraper to choose their Detours. Other Rachel and Dave are the only ones to select the one where they take pictures of passersby posing behind cutouts of sumo wrestlers, while the rest of the teams opt for a complicated sushi-based game of Bingo. Which turns out to be the right call for Other Rachel and Dave, because they win their seventh leg of the race and are looking forward to their eighth. Meanwhile, the Border Patrol and Team Big Brother muddle through the sushi task with varying degrees of bickering, then have trouble finding the Pit Stop on the vast grounds that host it this leg. Vanessa and Ralph smoke the Detour and have good taxi luck, but the damage is done; Art and JJ and Brendon and Rachel will be the other two teams in the final three.

In the second hour, the remaining three teams fly back across the Pacific to Honolulu. They're supposed to find a pair of twin towers going only by their nicknames, which proves to be not enough information for Art and JJ. While the two Rachel teams reach them quickly, use ascenders to climb 45 stories to their rooftops, spot their destination from there, and "rappel" back down face-first (actually they "dangle" more than "rappel," but that can wait), Art and JJ engage in a classic final-leg flail before getting back on track. Soon Dave, and then Brendon, are hard at work making 14 quarts of shaved ice. Other Rachel and Dave hold into their lead, then get to hop into a helicopter to be flown to the task. Art and JJ catch up to Team Big Brother just before Brendon finishes, but then the latter team misreads their clue and takes a cab all the way to Aloha Stadium instead of going on foot to the helicopters right there in the park. Cue meltdown.

On the other side of the island, Other Rachel and Dave use a Wave Runner and a rescue sled to fish a swimmer out of the surf, just like a real rescue but with no actual danger. Then they take a taxi to what they think is their stop. Seeing an Amazing Sign instructing them to ride stand-up paddleboards across a pond to the dock on the far side, they do just that. Once again they're the first team to reach the mat, but it's not what they expected; Phil tells them they missed a Roadblock and have to go back.

Art and JJ, however, are already at that Roadblock, having hired a better cab driver. Art has to ride a narrow sled down a grassy hill, but it's just not happening. He and JJ think they're out of it anyway -- until Other Rachel and Dave show up. That means they're still in the race -- until Other Rachel successfully rides her sled on the second try. She gets to move on to the second part of the Roadblock, a rock-rolling challenge, which she completes while Art is still plowing up that poor hill with his elbows. Looks like all they have to do now is paddle back across the water and check in at the Finish Line for real.

Art is so miserable at the sledding that even Brendon and Rachel catch up with them, and Rachel succeeds on her second try as well. But Art finally manages to tame the sled before Rachel succeeds at the rock-rolling -- and he succeeds at the rock-rolling too.

But this is all a formality, because despite having to loop back around on the course, Other Rachel and Dave get to the Finish Line first again. That makes them the record-holders, with eight victorious legs under their belt. Which says more about casting and leg design than it does about them, if you ask me, not that anybody did. Art and JJ come in second, and JJ has to walk back a lot of his big talk about winning, and finally Brendon and Rachel drag themselves in at third. And then there's the celebration and the hugs and the farewell from Bopper and Mark, who after all were the only team on tonight's two-hour show that anybody was still rooting for.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

A two-hour finale always feels like spending a week cramming for a final. But at least I've been to all the classes this semester.

The pre-credits recap of the season so far is oddly heavy on alliteration. And also oddly heavy on Bopper and Mark, considering Team Kentucky isn't even in the race any more. They lasted so long it's easy to forget that they ultimately came in fifth out of eleven teams. But then the Amazing Editors make up for it with a high-speed montage of Rachel's many crying tantrums all over the world, as Phil narrates that she and Brendon "felt the pressure of the race early -- and often." It's interesting to learn that she always cries in the same key, though.

After the opening titles, which feature a half-dozen or more ex-racers I don't even remember any more, Phil starts out the episode proper by telling us that Cochin, India is known as the city of harmony, which explains why all the teams have been getting along so well. We're reintroduced to the giant Chinese fishing nets on the shoreline, a location that Phil reminds us is the start of the eleventh leg. Because Other Rachel and Dave won the leg, as usual, they're leaving first -- this time at 1:51 PM. After they rip their clue, they'll take a flight of nearly 4,000 miles to Hiroshima, Japan and then get themselves to Miyajima Island to receive their clue. Dave interviews that winning is important, but his relationship with Other Rachel is more important. From what we've seen all season, it seems like achievement of the one is necessary for the survival of the other. They head into a travel agency and as Other Rachel sits down across from one of the many travel agents behind the counter, Dave orders Other Rachel, "You work that to completion." I think she was going to, Major. The agent asks her how his country is and she says they love it, it's very nice. "Rachel, please don't distract, let him work," Dave dicks at his wife for politely answering a question. He interviews that he doesn't see Other Rachel as his wife, but as his equal and as his teammate and his peer, while Other Rachel keeps correcting, "soldier" until Dave finally agrees. I was going to say "piss-boy," but I'll allow it. They learn that they'll be getting into Hiroshima at 8:10 tomorrow night and that's the earliest flight available. In other words, everyone is going to be on the same plane, as usual. Yes, Other Rachel, the producers obviously work very hard to make that happen. Try to keep up.

Since everyone will be flying out together, the Amazing Editors apparently decide that there's no point in going over the other three teams' rankings or departure times. So the first time we see Rachel & Brendon (Rachel says that with only four teams left, one mistake could be it for them), Art & JJ (JJ maintains that they're the best team, all evidence to the contrary) and Vanessa and Ralph (Vanessa's ankle looks swollen and purple after crashing and burning in the leg) is when they're already on the plane. Now that we know who everyone is, an Amazing Red Line swoops east-northeast across the sea and south Asia to Japan. The teams land at night and some wander through the terminal to a row of bus ticket vending machines with touchscreens that they have to figure out. Art and JJ end up being the first team to get on a bus, but Brendon and Rachel go straight to the bus and ask the driver where to get tickets, while the Border Patrol quietly mocks them. "I don't even think they read the clues," JJ says. "I just think they run." In the seats behind them, Ralph and Vanessa snicker as JJ goes on, "It's staggering that they're still here." I said that for two seasons of Big Brother, dude. Soon both teams with Rachels in them are trying to puzzle out the touchscreen vending machines, with the help of locals. Other Rachel and Dave end up being the to board the bus and JJ refers to him as "Private Dave." Clearly JJ was so offended by the U-Turn kerfuffle that he's arranged for Dave to be busted down ton an enlisted man. By now the three teams on the bus are encouraging the driver to get going already. And indeed, the door closes before team Big Brother is on board, a development for which Rachel blames Brendon for not listening to her. Even when they get on the bus, which seems to arrive almost immediately, she bitches, "From now on I'm not making any decisions. You can do them all." Mature as always. She continues yelling at him across the aisle for not listening to her, while simultaneously not letting him talk. I'd say she's demonstrating a cleverly thought-out point by demonstrating the behavior to which she is objecting so he'll know how it feels, but we all know she's just being an asshole as usual. Brendon lectures her about yelling on the bus, so she starts bitching sarcastically at a lower volume about how he thinks he's so smart. Well, she's got a point there.

The first bus unloads at another station. Art and JJ follow Vanessa and Ralph to an information window and Ralph asks about tickets for the stage of their odyssey across town while Dave points out a ticket window and leads Other Rachel over to another touchscreen machine. Soon all three teams are milling about in various levels of confusion. Meanwhile, on the second bus, Rachel has her sleep mask on while Brendon gets some tips from the local in the seat to him. She's still snotty to him when they get off the bus and join the others in the station, but Brendon -- rather impressively -- has made good use of the time afforded him by Rachel's power-sulking. He's learned from his seatmate Nakano how to work the machines at the stop, so they head right in and get seats on the train, which is leaving in five minutes. They're actually the first team through the turnstile, while other teams fumble through buying tickets for the 10:20. I hope Rachel has learned her lesson from this little episode, which is that when she shuts up, good things happen. This time Art & JJ and Vanessa & Ralph join Team Big Brother on the 10:03. Meanwhile, Dave has trouble with the turnstile's ticket reader and he and Other Rachel end up getting to the platform just in time to watch the 10:03 pull away. While waiting for the one, Dave mutters about how this proves that every second counts and it's not okay to follow the others. Well, it looked to me like not following them is how they ended up in this situation, but he's the boss. Other Rachel says there's no reason to pout about it. He lies that he isn't and then tells her to leave him alone. Presumably so he can pout. In an interview, Other Rachel shares her view that if nothing can be done, there's no reason to be pessimistic, while Dave says there's always something that can be done. "Bitching about it," Other Rachel agrees. Once they get on the train, Other Rachel reminds him that she's his wife and he should be nice to her. Dave insists that they need to focus on what's important. Wouldn't that be his relationship with Other Rachel, like he said earlier?

The first train arrives and the lead three teams run a block or two (gimpy Vanessa moaning, "Holy Advil") to a station where they get tickets for the ferry to Miyajima Island. According to the clock overhead, the last ferry of the night is at 10:42 and the first one after that is at 6:25 the following morning. There's too much glare on the clock face to tell what time it actually is, but JJ says the ferry leaves in three minutes. This does not look good for Other Rachel and Dave. They hurry to the station, Other Rachel trying to make optimistic chatter in the face of Dave's baleful silence, while the other three teams already on the boat speculate on whether Other Rachel and Dave will be joining them for tonight's voyage. But the rope is drawn across the gangway and the boat pulls away before they show up. Art congratulates JJ on catching the earlier train while Other Rachel and Dave show up at the empty dock. Rachel points out how Other Rachel and Dave have won six legs, but with them behind, maybe someone else can win one now. "Like Brendon and I." There's a first time for everything, I guess... except for things that never happen at all. Back at the ferry station, Dave approaches a local, who points out the sign saying that the ferry is at 6:25 AM. "That was one million dollars for one minute wasted," Dave says. This is about to be the longest eight hours of Other Rachel's entire life. He goes on about it for a while as Other Rachel repeats that it's out of their hands and he finally interviews through his perma-gritted teeth, "Won't dwell on the errors of the past." "Two hours of dwelling is enough?" Other Rachel goads. Dave is not amused. Clearly neither of them has realized -- as they should have by now -- that the other teams are going to spend the entire night on the island waiting for the clue anyway.

After the ads, Other Rachel and Dave decide to get a motel room for a few hours, but given how they've been getting along, I don't think it's for the usual purpose of a few hours in a motel. Meanwhile, out on the water, JJ and Art are reiterating the situation for us: until almost 6:30 the morning, the only three teams heading to the island are "Ourselves, Big Brother and Conan and Kardashian," the latter meaning Vanessa and Ralph. Heh. At the ferry docks they run across the deer-populated grounds to a floodlit shrine by the water. Sure enough, nearby is a paper balloon hanging over a sign that reads "Your clue arrives with the Rising Sun." How apropos. Brendon congratulates Rachel on at least being the first team to find it, because they have to take their triumphs where they can. But the other teams aren't thrilled with the "news" that Other Rachel and Dave are likely to catch up by morning. Indeed, it's still pitch dark as Other Rachel and Dave head to the ferry at 6:15 AM, so their race against the sunrise is one that they're probably going to win. While riding the ferry across, Dave tells us that the two of them had a talk and were able to "resolve a few issues," and they'll fight their way back into the race. The sky is beginning to get light in the east -- or, since they're already east, "overhead" -- as the lead teams converge on the clue while Other Rachel and Dave catch up. "I think Dave can take his poopy pants off now," Other Rachel tells us. Yeah, that seems likely going by the way he's still glowering even now. What exactly did they resolve?

The sun rises and a guy pulling a rickshaw loaded with three cylindrical containers the size of tom-toms rolls up, parks his conveyance and gives them clues from inside his robe. Which just leaves me more curious about what's inside those baskets. They read, "Make your way to Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park" to find the Atomic Bomb Memorial Dome. The music gets serious and slow as we skip seeing any more pointless travel across town. The racers arrive en masse at a park where the skeleton of a stone building's domed top still looms starkly over the area. Phil tells those of us who don't know, "On August 6, 1945, an atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima during World War II." Notice the use of the passive voice there. We certainly wouldn't want to accuse anyone of anything, least of all the country these racers are from. We see a few black-and-white photos of the aftermath of the citywide devastation as Phil adds, "Although the city has been rebuilt, remnants of the destructive blast still remain, including buildings like this: the Hiroshima Peace Memorial." What an ironic coincidence that we dropped the bomb there. Phil says the structure hasn't been touched since the explosion, either because it's been preserved as an historical landmark or because it's as hot as the inside of a microwave oven. A ceremonial bell rings and we see an old black-and-white photo of the building before it was half leveled, at which time it was a lot larger. Cut to the racers standing and contemplating it somberly. Dave talks about the "lasting impact" of being here, which is an infelicitous choice of words and Vanessa talks about wanting to "be more responsible to prevent things like this form ever happening again." Yes, Vanessa, please be more careful time. I'm terribly disappointed in you for nuking Japan. Brendon the physicist talks about his studies of radiation and how hard it is to comprehend the damage radiation can do. Although now I understand why he insisted on getting engaged to an individual who is so prone to meltdowns. Dave remarks, "A lengthy war was thwarted, but many lives were lost in Hiroshima and Nagasaki and many lives were lost at Peal Harbor." That's right, Dave, we didn't start the fire. Vanessa talks about how seeing the building makes it more real and tangible. Art. "That, that was powerful, man." A-bombs, boy, I don't know. The bell rings again and Rachel talks about the triumph of the human spirit, which is a meaningless, empty, all-purpose cliché if I've ever heard one. After a decent interval for these Americans to Just Stand There Quietly For A Minute And Think About What They Did, a man in a guard uniform shows up to hand out the clues, which they accept politely. Their new instructions are telling them to travel to Osaka, but they're mumbling so much I can't hear much else of what they're saying. Fortunately Phil narrates that they're all taking a bullet train to the city, where they'll have to get to the TV 8 studio to find their clue. Think we're about to see a Japanese game show "Switchback?"

Osaka's pretty busy, judging by the B-roll and after the second repetition within a minute of a shot of the arriving bullet train, the teams emerge into the busy station. Other Rachel and Dave and Team Big Brother decide to transfer to the subway, while the other two teams try to find their way out to get taxis. "Here's hoping they get stuck in traffic," Other Rachel says. Inside their taxi, Art says that a local told them a cab was faster, but inside the crowded subway, Dave says, "A hundred locals on one train car cannot be wrong." That's excellent reasoning, in a country where four-hour commutes aren't unheard-of. Sure enough, it looks like the other teams were right, because Vanessa and Ralph are the first team to make it to the studio. "Here we go again, live and die by the cab," Art says, not incorrectly but one leg early. He and JJ run inside an entirely different building, while Vanessa and Ralph find out from an amused guard that they're in the wrong place. And thus it transpires that Art and JJ get the clue first. It's a Roadblock, with the question, "Who wants to bring home the chicken?" JJ says this is going to be Art, who has no idea what he's going to be doing. Jeez, Art, it says right there that you're going to bring home the chicken. Can't you read?

Cut to a cheesy Japanese game show title, "Bring That Chicken Home." Suddenly we're on the set of a fake Japanese game show, just like in the TAR 15 premiere but without a Sushi Roulette wheel mined with wasabi bombs. There's even the same game show host in the same powder-blue suit, and a cheering studio audience numbering in the... well, in the pairs. JJ laughs as he takes all this in, because I guess "Japanese game show" is still shorthand for "funny." Art comes out wearing skater's pads and a helmet with a clear face shield. The host leads him over to the life-sized game board, which is marked with four brightly-colored lanes each of which has rubber chickens suspended over strings along the length of it. Art takes up position at the back end of one of these lanes and the host explains the rules, which are simple: "You must have three chickens and come over here (a blue pad at the front of the lane), and jump!" It turns out that each of the lanes is an independent treadmill. In the explanation segment with Phil, each one is speeding along under a different hapless production assistant as Phil tells us that the teams must "hot-foot it in a hilarious Japanese game show." Saying "hilarious" doesn't make it so, even when confetti bursts over Phil and the host repeats, "Bring That Chicken Home!" Phil explains that they'll have to jump up as they run and grab chickens from the strings overhead. If they succeed, the host will hand them their clue. And if they don't, then their name is probably Vanessa. Art's treadmill starts running at low speed and so does he, but when a buzzer goes off and a red light comes on signaling the official beginning of the task, both speed up. He grabs the first chicken before falling and the treadmill doesn't carry him quite all the way into the shallow swimming pool behind him filled with white balloons and feathers (still not funny). His first chicken still in hand, Art runs for and grabs the second one. JJ laughs at the ridiculousness of it all as Art falls after grabbing each chicken and then has to go back to the beginning to run to the mat with them. The running treadmill proves difficult to hop onto when it's going full speed, so a chicken graphic serves as the transition to the scene before Art's able to finish.

The two teams who took the train emerge into the sunlight and Vanessa and Ralph are back out on the street looking for the right building. Rachel proposes a brief alliance with Other Rachel and Dave to find the right place, while Vanessa vainly tries to wave down a taxi. "I'm not saying hi," she complains. As Team Penultimate gets into a cab, the other teams get to the same wrong building that they just left. Ralph is talking about how they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off, which seems oddly prescient. And then the Rachel teams are also heading to the right place. It turns out that they were supposed to go to the old Studio 8 building rather than the new Studio 8 building, which suggests that maybe Studio 8 moved its HQ since the leg was first scouted out. Clearly I'm thinking about this too much, aren't I?<.p>

One chicken-graphic later, Art makes a final run up the treadmill and onto the mat, earning a spinning "WINNER" graphic on the screen and Team Border Patrol's clue. It's sending them to the Umeda Sky building, a massive glass structure with an atrium the size of a skyscraper in its own right. At the floating sky observatory on the roof, they'll have to find two product-placed touchscreen PCs" that will show them the Detour options if they double-tap the play button. Suddenly I am fervently hoping for a team -- any team -- to be totally befuddled by the technology. For now, Art and JJ head out of the Roadblock in a good mood, because watching Art humiliate himself always cheers JJ up. As long as it doesn't take too long, that is.

Vanessa and Ralph get to the right studio, but that's the end of the good news for them; Ralph has done five Roadblocks, so they figure Vanessa has to do this one. They have no idea that she's going to be expected to run on her battered ankle and she's not thrilled to see the pads and helmet waiting for her in the dressing room. "I'm not going to die doing this, am I?" she wonders. Team Big Brother gets there and Brendon takes this one for the same reason: because Rachel has done five and he's done four. Other Rachel is also doing this one. Their respective partners wait out in the studio while the host leads the audience in chanting the Roadblockers' names until they come out from behind the curtain. Brendon and Vanessa are starting at roughly the same time, Vanessa with her bad ankle and all. When the buzzers go off and the tracks speed up, Vanessa falls off almost immediately, yelling, "Son of a bitch!" On the other hand, Brendon bags his first chicken almost immediately and his second one after that, while Vanessa keeps crashing and burning. Brendon misses his third chicken and rides the treadmill all the way into the balloon-pool. Other Rachel begins the run and grabs her first chicken and Brendon takes another run and crashes wildly onto the mat after grabbing his third chicken. "No, no, you must jump! I told you no diving!" the host scolds, so Brendon has to go back. Vanessa, meanwhile, is still doing nothing but falling. Other Rachel falls going after her third chicken and then Brendon finishes and gets the clue in second place. By now Vanessa is either laughing or crying so hard that it's difficult to tell which one, but under the circumstances I don't think that she's laughing. Other Rachel completes the Roadblock and Dave even looks angry when congratulating her. Vanessa, the only racer left on the board, manages to snag one bird and then ends up back on her ass. This time, instead of getting up again, she tips the helmet up and Ralph asks her what she's going to do. "Sorry!" she says. He tells her not to apologize and just to come over to him. Sure, make her use her ankle some more. Vanessa says she has to do it, but Ralph says she can't and that they can take the penalty. But she's refusing to give up, so he lets her take another crack at it if she's up for it. On her way back, she frets that she doesn't know what to do. "I'm telling you what to do!" he says as she limps back to the beginning. "This is ridiculous," she says over a close-up of her swelling ankle. Ralph tells her to stop and she stands there looking upset while he worries that she's going to hurt herself even more. That's a risk, but you never know; maybe the clue will tell them to make their way somewhere by gurney.

After the ads, Vanessa interviews that she didn't want to quit and let Ralph down, but the pain was excruciating. "Worst moment of my life," she adds. She's had a pretty good life, clearly. She manages to retrieve one more chicken, then takes off her outer shirt and psyches herself up for the try. They let her begin from a standing stop this time and she sobs all the way through grabbing her third chicken, keeping her feet even when she misses on the first try and then ending up in the balloons after finally grabbing it. Now it's just the run to the mat, but her face doesn't look like she considers it "just" anything.

Art and JJ find their way to the top of the Umeda Sky building and marvel at the view from the glass tunnel to the observatory. It's true that it seems like they can see all the way to the Western Hemisphere. The PCs are there waiting for them and the screens show them slow-mowing slideshows of the Detours, which isn't exactly dazzling multimedia technology. Fuck it, let's just go to Phil. He tells us that both Detours are about passions of the Japanese people: "Sushi and sumo." For the Detour called "Bingo Shout-Out," the teams will go to a sushi bar, grab individual pieces off a conveyor belt moving past their table and put them on a large bingo card that has the letters of the word BINGO replaced by the letters of the word SUSHI.. There's a caller who will be announcing the names of different sushi items, which the racers will have to identify as they zoom by, then grab them and put them on their board in the correct spot. Oh, and each sushi piece has a letter sticking out of the top and it can go only in the column of the SUSHI card matching that letter. Well, at least there are two S's. Once they've completed a row -- horizontal, vertical or diagonal -- they yell "Sushi!" and then eat all five pieces in the row to get their clue. Complicated! I'm still not sure I get it after the first time watching that explanation or indeed well into the Detour itself.

For "Photo Cut-Out," each team gets a camera and two life-sized sumo wrestler cut-outs, the kind with the faces drilled out so people can put their own faces into the holes and then have their picture taken so everyone will think their head has been grafted onto the body of a sumo wrestler. Fools people every time. Whoever does this Detour will have to convince random locals to pose. They'll have to take ten different photos to earn their clue. Less complicated! Art and JJ opt for sushi, however. "Old men love Bingo and old men love sushi," Art says in the cab. What is he talking about?

Other Rachel and Dave get to the observation deck at about the same time as Brendon and Rachel, but neither team can seem to find the clue. Other Rachel and Dave get sent one floor down by a guide as Dave bitches about how they're killing themselves. Lighten up, Francis -- everyone takes a minute to find the clue once in a while. And Brendon and Rachel can't seem to find the clue at all. Admittedly, the view is pretty distracting.

On the sidelines, Ralph asks Vanessa how many times she's going to try running the treadmill on her bad ankle: "Till it breaks?" "Guess so," she sobs. Since she's determined to keep at it, Ralph tells her to do it like she's never run before. Better and more applicable advice might be to tell her to run like she'll never run again. She hops onto the treadmill and makes it to the mat, but somehow falls back onto the track and back into the balloons, so it's no good. The host reminds her, "You must jump on it!" Finally she makes it. Ralph talks about how proud he is of her and then back in their cab, she carefully reapplies an eyelash while their driver studies the street map. "Priorities," Ralph remarks. Might as well make use of the time, though, right? It's not like she could be putting anything cold on her ankle right now anyway.

Brendon spots Other Rachel and Dave on the level down and that team opts for Photo Cut-Out. When Brendon and Rachel get there, they go for Bingo Shout-Out. Back on the street while getting back in their cab, something falls out of Dave's bag and rolls away, so he yells at Other Rachel for his bag being open while she tries to direct the cabbie. When the driver doesn't know where they're going and they decide to abandon this cab, Dave simultaneously starts to lecture Other Rachel about unzipping his bag. She screams in his face that she never unzipped it. "Freak. Classy," he says while following her to the corner and as they're waiting for the cab, she talks about how sick of him she is. As usual, Dave's only response to her quite valid point is to try to shut her down. "Just stop. Silence is golden," he says dickishly. "Then why don't you shut the fuck up!" Other Rachel retorts. "God!" That's a good plan. Is this one of the things they resolved during their talk last night?

Brendon and Rachel are just leaving the skyscraper as Vanessa and Ralph arrive and wonder how the latter team caught up after they left Vanessa for dead. Other Rachel gets herself and Dave into a cab, where there is a lot of very tense gold filling the back seat, if you know what I mean. Brendon and Rachel agree that they need to run fast, now that Team Penultimate is on their tail. At the top of the building, Vanessa opts for the sushi task, but not necessarily for strategic reasons. "Oh, God, let's eat something. I'm so excited about this," she says. Apparently she's so hungry that her ankle's working again.

At the sushi bar, it's Japanese Game Show all over again as everyone in the already-crowded restaurant cheers when the caller with the megaphone announces, "Sushi Bingo begins now!" upon the Border Patrol's arrival. Art and JJ sit down across from some other patrons and the conveyors start moving. The first sushi called is unagi, in the "S" column. JJ just hands Art a plate of something with a snail and an S sticking out of it, but they have no idea what they're doing. Honestly, half the fun of sushi is having no idea what you're putting in your mouth in the first place.

At an arcade of shops with plenty of foot traffic going by, Other Rachel and Dave show up at a street photographer's kiosk with the sumo cutouts they've already picked up on the way. They collect a bulbous white camera off a shelf of them and Other Rachel start scoping out groups to flag down. The problem is that she's turning out to be a bit reticent about approaching people. Dave advises her to use her "flowery personality," but it's not going well. Dave advises her to go after young people and eventually -- even with lots of negative comments from Dave -- she manages to herd a few people in behind the cutouts and take her first of ten pictures. A voice says "Sumo!" as a picture-frame graphic is superimposed over the image she just captured. Amazing: those three random Japanese pedestrians now look just like sumo wrestlers. Other Rachel thanks them and tells Dave he needs to work on his charisma. I don't know if she means the task or just in general, but I know what I would mean.

Art, trying to complete a row, tells JJ to grab the item the caller just announced. JJ says they already have an H, not understanding the whole "bingo" thing. Told you it was complicated, but even I get that they have to have their sushi in a straight line. It looks like they're only a couple of spots from a complete row in a few potential places. But they'd better get a move on, because Team Big Brother is now joining the activity at a neighboring table. On the other hand, Brendon and Rachel are already stressing out at each other, so this might take them even longer.

Vanessa and Ralph's cab is still parked while their driver studies his map book. "Good day," Vanessa sarcastically says to Ralph. At least her eyelashes look good.

Other Rachel and Dave have their fourth and fifth pictures taken, so they're finally making good progress. The Border Patrol and Team Big Brother are still in the restaurant, barely comprehending what they're trying to do but soldiering on. And Vanessa and Ralph's cab is traveling aimlessly through the city. Ralph points out the good news to Vanessa: "We're in Japan." Vanessa tells him not to get nostalgic and quit on her. Ralph protests that he isn't getting nostalgic and he's correct. He's getting philosophical, which is totally different.

Other Rachel and Dave get their ninth photo and Dave cobbles together a third group from strangers by getting on one knee. Now they just have to pin the printed photos to a board, which they bring back to the photographer and exchange for their clue. "Make your way to the Pit Stop," Other Rachel reads over their latest "Currently in 1st Place" subtitle. The Pit Stop would be Osaka Castle, a towering pagoda on an island in the middle of the city, which Phil calls an "urban oasis." He warns, "The last team to check in here will be eliminated. Seriously, I am done fucking around with these idiots." Other Rachel and Dave run to a taxi, Dave hoping to be the first team. I'd have to say it's looking good for that.

But then Art and JJ finally get "bingo" -- by which they mean "sushi" -- by completing the middle row. They high-ten their tablemates -- who I think are actually telling the racers what pieces of sushi they're looking at, which is an aspect of this task that's not exactly being played up -- and then scarf down the sushi, heading out of there in second place. This development sends Rachel's brain into vapor-lock and she and Brendon start snapping at each other even more than they already were. You might not have thought that possible, but it's Brendon and Rachel. JJ tells Art that this is going to get them to the final three. At the sushi bar, Brendon retrieves an inago with an I on it, but Rachel screams at him, "WE NEEDED A U INAGO!" Brendon: "Dude, seriously?" Seriously. Even worse for them, Vanessa and Ralph catch up and Vanessa clearly already knows her sushi, while Team Big Brother continues to melt down.

Other Rachel and Dave get to Osaka Castle and run across the grounds to where Phil is standing in front of the mat to a couple of young locals who are dressed and coiffed like J-Pop stars. Phil wastes no time saying that they're team number one and adds, "You're one of the three teams who will be racing to the finish line for one million dollars. You have tied the record for the most number of wins on The Amazing Race with seven wins. Congratulations!" What's more, they've won a trip for two to what Phil refers to as "stunning New Zealand," and he would know. "You know that that is my homeland and I promise you that's a good trip," he assures them. Dave interviews, once again, that he and Other Rachel have proven themselves to be the best team. Other Rachel agrees that they're going to make history. "I just know it, right?" Dave just kisses her. Which at least means he isn't talking.

Art and JJ aren't even happy to see the island that hosts this week's Pit Stop, because as Art complains, it's a "big ol' stinkin' facility." One of the most beautiful places in Japan, he calls that. At the sushi bar, Brendon and Rachel finally pull it together long enough to complete the "U" column on their board and as the whole place cheers, Ralph tells Vanessa not to worry about them, even though Team Big Brother is leaving in third place. And after all, why would Vanessa stop paying attention to Rachel now? During the cab ride, Rachel dramatically says, "The final three Pit Stop. We have to go, we have to make it there." Art and JJ are currently wandering around the grounds aimlessly. And Vanessa and Ralph get a diagonal "sushi" from the lower left corner to the upper right without a lot of extraneous pieces, so they actually did that pretty efficiently. They quickly eat and clear out of there in last place as Ralph reads from the clue, "Warning, the last team to check in will be eliminated." They're still in last place and in the cab to the Pit Stop, Vanessa lies that she hates to wish misfortune on anyone. "But I'm really hoping that another team got lost or got abducted by aliens." Do we get to pick which team?

Art and JJ look over a wall into the moat surrounding the island and see nothing in the way of a mat or a tall Kiwi game show host. Brendon and Rachel show up and are spotted by the Border Patrol. Needless to say, the two teams do not join forces to hunt for the mat. "God-dog it, man!" JJ non-curses, since they're still no closer to finding Phil. Suddenly there's a four-way footrace up some stairs to... nothing. Vanessa, still in the cab with Ralph, says she hopes their luck is kicking in right now. Looks like it is, because the other two teams still haven't found Phil when the ads hit. Still, that luck is going to have to kick pretty damn hard.

The Phil-hunt continues after the ads and Vanessa and Ralph are out of their cab by now -- at least according to the editing. She says they'll have to run. Injury or not, she's going to reach that mat if she's dragging a half-severed foot by a single Achilles tendon. Finally JJ spots Phil through the trees and leads Art in that direction. "Give me all you got, Art," he says as they jog oldly to the mat. "Good hiding place, Phil," JJ pants. Phil congratulates them on being team number two and in the final three. Art's so happy he hugs Phil. Despite their losing streak, they still seem convinced they're going to win the race. "I know it for a fact," Art insists. Well, at least he still has something to look forward to.

So now it's down to Team Big Brother vs. Team Penultimate in the search for the mat, in a final mean-girl showdown. But it's Brendon and Rachel who make it to the mat and Rachel does her patented leg-wrap around Brendon and cries when Phil tells them they're team number three. In their post-leg interview, Brendon says they haven't won yet and Rachel agrees that they're the underdogs, but they believe they can do it. Self-awareness has never been their strong suit.

"Phil! Holy cheese and crackers!" Vanessa says after suddenly spotting him and the greeters from about fifty feet away. They're welcomed to Osaka and are not at all surprised to hear they're the last team to arrive and are about to be Philiminated. "I'm sorry," Vanessa whispers to Ralph. But Phil tells her she should be proud of herself for digging deep and never giving up. Ralph tearfully says he'd never want to do this with anyone else. He says they've had their "Bavaria," and they're closer because of it. Nice spin. "From here on out, it's smooth sailing," Vanessa adds. "Unless there are rubber chickens." Well, now Ralph knows how to get at her if he ever really wants to.

Then there's the de rigeur montage of big-talking from the final three in advance of the final leg. JJ says they have one more leg and they win, like it's a date on the calendar that's going to come no matter what they do. Other Rachel says they hope to beat Art and JJ because "they've been assholes to us." Rachel tells us how badly she and Brendon want it. Art says, "Bring it on, let's go." Dave dorkily boasts, "We will successfully complete Operation Amazing Race within the leg." "Nothing comes between me and my million dollars," Rachel says, deploying her obnoxious catchphrase that will remind the entire audience at home why they've been rooting against her all season and will continue to do so. As for me, I can't believe I'm going to have to recap all twelve legs of this race without ever getting to stop using the phrase "Other Rachel."

After a round of ads, the second hour opens like a freestanding episode as Phil tells us, "Osaka is known as Japan's kitchen and as a hub for this country's food industry." Yes, I assumed that's what "Japan's kitchen" meant. In case you forgot about the Pit Stop from five minutes ago, Phil tells us about Nishinomaru Garden. "Located on the grounds of Osaka Castle, it is now the start of the twelfth leg [gong!] in a race around the world. Once again, Other Rachel and Dave are the first to leave at 4:15 PM. They're pretty happy to learn that they're going to the island of Oahu. Phil elaborates, "Teams will now take their final flight to Honolulu, Hawaii. Once they land, they need to figure out that they need to find the twin towers known as Mauka and Makai. It is here [on the ground between them, actually] that they'll find their clue." Dave interviews that they've proven themselves to be "one of the three best teams to ever compete in the race itself. No other team has won more than seven legs." That's because the producers didn't used to pack the cast with morons. "If and when [Other] Rachel and I win, that will be our eighth leg and [Other] Rachel and I will set ourselves apart and set a precedent of being the winningest-most [sic] team on The Amazing Race." In the cab, Other Rachel says that Hawaii is a great final destination. "Great place to become millionaires," Dave agrees. Not to mention becoming the winningestmostest team everest.

Art and JJ are starting out more than a half hour later, at 4:47 PM. "Last one, let's do it," JJ says. Art is dancing happily on the mat until JJ all but drags him off. JJ interviews that they have what it takes to win. "We didn't come here to be second or third. We visualized it. We talked about it. We see it." Enjoy it while you can, then.

Brendon and Rachel are the last to leave at 5:05 PM, which means that after the Border Patrol reached the mat, it took Team Big Brother almost another twenty minutes to find Phil. It's almost dark at his hour, which, along with the winter gear everyone's wearing (including this team's matching fur earflap hats) indicates it's the dead of winter in Osaka. Hawaii will be a very welcome change indeed. Team Big Brother "alohas" their way off the mat as Rachel interviews that they're the underdogs, but they're pretty determined. You know, as long as nothing goes wrong for them in any way.

Other Rachel and Dave get to the Osaka airport and get themselves on the one Hawaiian Airlines flight that day direct to Honolulu. I don't know why anybody is still surprised at everyone being on the same flight this late in the game, let alone this late in the show's history, but Other Rachel remarks on it anyway. Looks like it leaves at 11:15 that night. The last three teams look like the first ones onto the plane, if not the only ones. JJ says they'll grab some sleep in the twelve-hour flight and then jump out and win it. "Second place'd just almost feel like a waste," he says. The plane lifts off into the darkness and the Amazing Red Line makes one long, last trip over the Pacific as Phil obviouses, "All teams are now flying to their final destination: Honolulu, Hawaii." Which looks as lovely as I remember it. It's a race down the jetway and through the terminal as the final three teams run (most of them nearly empty-handed, as all but Team Big Brother have ditched their backpacks somewhere) in search of taxis. Other Rachel and Dave score theirs first, followed by Art and JJ, who simply tell their driver to follow Other Rachel and Dave's cab. Now look who's following. Finally Brendon and Rachel (who is resplendent in green Spandex shorts and a sequined top that all but screams "screw you, Vanessa") score a taxi, but their driver wants an actual address rather than just being told "Mauka and Makai." JJ is already frustrated when they almost lose sight of Other Rachel and Dave's car up ahead, so last-leg panic is setting in early. Other Rachel is wondering aloud to their driver if they need to Google, but he explains that "Mauka" means mountain and "Makai" means facing the ocean. He applies this to the twin towers they mentioned and Dave figures that he's "solved the riddle." Brendon and Rachel ask their driver for a Google search, but the Taxi dispatcher tells them they want Waterfront Towers, so they're on their way, which means only Art and JJ don't know where they're going. But they're still following Other Rachel and Dave, who is bonding with their driver over their shared Army background and then asking him to lose the cab behind them. JJ admits that they're driving blind. As the taxis get caught up in traffic, Other Rachel and Dave pull away. "Should have never just grabbed a cab," JJ carps. "So stupid."

At the twin towers, which are glittering under a rainbow, Other Rachel and Dave find the clue box standing in front of a fountain. Cut to Phil standing on the very edge of the roof of one of the buildings, hollering into the void, "Teams must now make their way to the top of this 45-story tower the hard way." Meaning they'll have to use ascenders, which longtime viewers already know as the ratchet-like tools that allow people who can't climb a rope to climb a rope anyway. In this case, the ropes lead all the way from where they're anchored to the concrete plaza like guylines to the roof, stretched tight at about a 75-degree angle. From the roof, they'll have to "scour the horizon" (actually, just look across a narrow waterway) for their destination, marked by a banner that looks like a small red-and-yellow picnic tent in a park. And then they'll have to rappel down the side of the building, face-down. "You're gonna need a lot of upper body strength," Dave warns. And some awareness that the last leg almost always seems to involve some form of urban mountaineering.

Brendon and Rachel are the team to find the clue between the buildings. They sprint towards one of the towers to find Other Rachel and Dave getting harnessed up to the ropes "Holy balls, that's a long climb," Other Rachel says. "This is a really tall building behind me." Yeah, I don't think I'd want to do that with stairs, let alone a rope. She greets Team Big Brother and they agree that they'll be happy with whoever beats Art and JJ. Sure, they say that now. Other Rachel adds that it's good news that the Border Patrol hasn't arrived yet, "Because they have a lot more arm strength than I do." On the other hand, they're still on the road and driving around lost. JJ asks their driver to find a hotel. "Oh, I call and nobody know this name," the driver mumbles. JJ's like, yeah, hotel already. Art bitches about how the driver failed to do the one thing they asked him to do, but JJ says that it's his own fault. What happened to all their positive attitude so quickly?

Dave has begun using his ascender and is up off the ground. Other Rachel takes off as well, with Dave being uncharacteristically encouraging. "Slow and steady. Deliberate movements," he instructs. Just like back home in bed.

Art and JJ get to a hotel and ask a couple of parking valets for help with the clue. One of them suggests "a statue of a guy on a boogie board." So they go off in search of two statues on Waikiki Beach. Which is so not where they're supposed to be going, and the only thing in their favor is that it's not that big an island. JJ says this has been their hardest clue of the whole race, which is rather telling. "And knowing Big Brother, they'll just stumble on it out of pure dumb luck." Well, he's not wrong.

Other Rachel figures she's about halfway up. Dave has reached the top and he calls down that he needs her up here. "Holy crap, It's getting really windy up here," she says. Brendon and Rachel start up their ropes and Rachel begins her whining. Other Rachel reaches the top of the rope and after she and Dave climb up into the roof, Dave quickly finds the banner at the park down below. "How the hell do you get there?" he wonders. That's actually not an idle question, because there's only one road to the island they have to get to and it leads way around to the far end. Brendon is leading Rachel up the ascender ropes while Dave is trying to memorize the roads they'll need to take to get to the park. Once he's satisfied, he tells Other Rachel he has it. She's more concerned about how they're going to get down. They head to the end of the roof and while looking down, Other Rachel says, "Oh, my god. I thought the adventure was over." This early in the leg?

Art and JJ find the statues on Waikiki Beach, but of course they're the wrong thing entirely, because they're called Makua and Kila. "We gotta figure something out, Art," JJ says. Yep, starting with a graceful concession speech for when they eventually find the giant mat. After the ads, the Border Patrol agents head to one of the gift shops off the beach, where a local directs them to the twin towers in Pearl City. At least they're on their way to the right place now.

Rachel is talking herself through her fear on the way up, which is going to be nothing compared to going down. Other Rachel and Dave are doing that now, letting themselves tip forward and allowing the ropes and harnesses take their weight as Dave says, "It's always a little concerning when you're stepping off the ledge of a 44-plus story building." Just say 45 stories, dude. In any case, they're walking spider-style down the end of the tower soon enough. Brendon and Rachel get to the top and soon Other Rachel and Dave are no longer walking, but just sort of dangling as they get gradually lowered down from above. Quite the challenge, there. Brendon and Rachel find the banner from above and Rachel says, "Right now it seems like we might have a 50% chance. I like those odds." They're a little optimistic though, because Other Rachel and Dave have already been winched all the way down to the ground. And also because Brendon and Rachel suck.

The Border Patrol finally reaches the twin towers, not ready to give up. Other Rachel and Dave get back to their driver, Tully, and immediately start talking over each other about where they're going. "Who's the navigator? Let me work it, okay?" Dave control-freaks. I sit back and look forward to when they inevitably get lost.

Back atop the tower, Brendon is telling Rachel not to freak out before they head back down. "I feel like I'm about to pretty much die," Rachel says. Brendon goes first, but if the idea was to reassure her it doesn't work. "I'm not gonna lie," he says. "Going down face-forward is pretty scary." Also, he loses his footing and slides willy-nilly down the side of the building for a fair distance. There's just no way to look cool when that happens. Art and JJ are ready to start ascending, but in case you've forgotten, like I have, JJ hates heights. "It's like you're tempting fate, man," says the man who has spent the entire race talking loudly about how he's going to win the million dollars at the end. Eventually Brendon and Rachel reach the ground. "That was so scary," Rachel says. No, what's scary is the extreme close-up from her helmet-cam as she crawls on the pavement like something out of a Japanese horror movie. They jump back into their cab and tell the driver to go to Sand Island, which apparently they recognized by name from overhead. Meanwhile, Art and JJ get to the top, spot the banner and get ready to rappel down.

Other Rachel and Dave are arriving at Sand Island without incident, much to my disappointment. They run across the grass to the clue box and Other Rachel reads, "Roadblock!" Standing over a guy working a big block of ice like it's his wife, Phil says this is about "a tradition that was first introduced by Japanese immigrants and is simply known as 'Shave Ice.'" One member of each team will use a samurai sword to whittle enough ice off the big block to fill a clear plastic beaker to about 14 quarts. "When they do, famous Hawaiian actor Taylor Wily will hand them their clue." The large man in question does look familiar. You may recognize him from Forgetting Sarah Marshall or, by a remarkable coincidence, this very network's Hawaii Five-O. And according to IMDb, that and a role as "Bartender" on the canceled Fox series North Shore is pretty much it. He holds up a clue and twiddles his eyebrows at us like the megastar he is. Dave asks Other Rachel if she wants him to do it and she does. He walks over and sees the guys already at work, saying it's easy. "Wish I had the upper body of that dude over there," he says of Taylor Wily. "Put some weight into it." IMDb also tells me that Taylor Wily happens to be a former sumo wrestler, so Dave might want to keep his voice down. Other Rachel looks across the water at the towers and says Art and JJ still have to rappel down. "Looks tall from here, even," she says. Not sure if she means the towers or JJ.

"Gonna get my Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol on, bro," Art says happily and with a surprising degree of accuracy, considering that I don't know when he would have had time to see that movie since I thought it came out after the race started. JJ, on the other hand, just wants this over with. They clumsily lumber over the edge. "I just wanna live, Art, I just wanna live," JJ says as they inch down together. But not enough to give up the million and take the elevator.

Team Big Brother reaches Sand Island and Brendon joins in on the Roadblock while the Rachels wait together on the sidelines. "Are you guys up for a fight for a million bucks?" Dave asks the new arrivals without looking up. Rachel says she likes the fifty-fifty odds better, flattering herself immensely. Dave, whose container is already almost full enough, says his shoulders are burning but he's pressing on. Didn't he say this was easy? After getting going, Brendon says it's hard and Rachel says nobody ever said winning a million dollars was easy. Hell, it took the two of them two seasons of Big Brother to win half that and that was with producer intervention. Other Rachel points out the specks that are Art and JJ, a small fraction of the way down the tower. "They look like little bugs. I want to squish them," Other Rachel says, pinching her fingers together Kids In the Hall-style. Rachel unhappily admits that they're catching up. The Border Patrol agents make it to the ground, but Dave has just finished the Roadblock and Taylor Wily hams up giving him the clue, handing it over while nodding and saying "Awwll riiiight" like it's his own personal catchphrase. Which, for all I know, it might be. "Make your way on foot to one of the helicopters waiting in the outfield," Other Rachel reads. They go back to the cab to ask if there's a baseball field around. Their driver points them to the far end of the park and Dave asks him to drive them over, but Other Rachel hastily corrects that they have to go on foot. Which tells us right there that this is going to blow up in someone's face. "Good job, baby," Rachel says as Brendon slowly shaves ice. She's still avoiding anything to do with shaving herself, I see.

Dave and Other Rachel find the three parked choppers, another popular final-leg staple. "Let's see you spun up to idle, let's go!" Dave says, running up to the waiting pilot and saying he's an army aviator himself. Is that really all the jargon he could come up with? As they get their headsets on and the aircraft lifts off, Dave tells us that although this is his element, he's normally not a passenger. Yes, we've noticed that about you Dave.

Brendon's ice block is melting faster than it's getting shaved. "Sorry I'm not going fast," Brendon says to Rachel. She says he's doing fine, rather than asking why he's not going fast, which seems like it would be a fair question. Art and JJ show up, still in last place and JJ is taking this one. "Hey, guys. Did you have fun?" Rachel asks, friendly enough. JJ doesn't even spare her a look. "I can get ignored," Rachel shrugs, which is news to me.

Other Rachel and Dave's chopper is flying over the island's wild western shore, with the mountains on the left and the ocean on the right. A magnificent shot from another helicopter shows theirs looking like it's pinned in the middle of a rainbow. Clear space for another Emmy. Other Rachel says the view must be better than Iraq. "I've flown some pretty scenic coastlines, this is gorgeous," Dave allows.

Brendon and JJ are shaving ice side by side, until Brendon soon finishes. "Awwll riiiight!" Taylor Wily says and gives Team Big Brother their clue. "Make your way on foot to one of the helicopters waiting in the outfield," Rachel reads out loud for the world to hear -- and then they go hop into their taxi to go to Aloha Stadium. Idiots! The shot of the two of them in the back seat of he cab goes all slo-mo just long enough to let us viewers at home know that they've just seriously fucked up. Which means Art and JJ are no longer the only ones.

JJ finishes shaving his ice and he and Art get their " Awwll riiiight!" and their clue, still officially in last place but probably not for much longer. They wander off to pay their driver as the camera stays behind to film Taylor Wily favoring us with a smile, a thumbs-up and a hang-ten sign. With that kind of charisma, a fourth role is certainly in his future. They go pay off their driver and run to the outfield, having made up time but still in third -- or so they think, because Rachel and Brendon are back out on the freeway, three blocks from the stadium that is the completely wrong place. The Border Patrol makes it to the two remaining choppers. "I feel like Magnum P.I.," Art says. "All I need now is a Ferrari." You'll need more than that, Fireplug. They take off and the subtitles make it official: "Currently in 2nd place." "I don't think Big Brother's found it yet," one of them says into his headset. Brendon and Rachel get to Aloha Stadium, which of course is a big huge freestanding sports facility, only to find it closed .No helicopters in sight, either. Back in their cab, Brendon tells Rachel to reread the clue. "Make your way... on foot... to one of the helicopters waiting in the outfield," Rachel reads with a dead voice." Horror-stricken, Brendon's like, "On foot? On foot? Oh my God, Rachel!" And then I think he literally says "boo hoo." Of course, Rachel's the only person in this relationship who's ever allowed to get mad, so she tells him to stop freaking out, adding that she wants to shoot herself too. "We messed up," she admits. Which seems like blame-sharing, but it's true that Brendon was standing right there when Rachel read the clue out loud. Plenty of blame to go around.

Back from the ads, Brendon is moaning about how hard they work and mess up in the stupidest things. Rachel's over this and says, "We get it. We messed up, okay?" Brendon, who has had a point up until right now, dicks, "Stop. I don't want Crazy Rachel, okay?" Rachel sputters that she' not being crazy, which for once she's not. But I kind of appreciate her implicit admission that she often is.

Other Rachel and Dave's helicopter delivers then to another wooded, park-like area elsewhere on the shore and they run to some clues tucked into the handles of a rescue sled that's leaning up against a tree. "Become North Shore lifeguards?" Dave reads. By the way, the weather on the North Shore is a bit less pleasant today; it's overcast and it'll be pissing down rain on and off for the rest of the leg. Phil walks along the beach as he explains that they'll "get to experience the adrenalin rush of rescuing a distressed swimmer." But how long will they need to wait for a swimmer to get distressed? Over shots of production assistants acting the challenge out, Phil elaborates, "As one team member drives a Wave Runner through the turbulent surf, the other will be towed on a sled. Once they scoop up their victim, they must negotiate their way back through the treacherous waters. When they're all safely back on shore, they'll be rewarded with the clue." We come back to Other Rachel and Dave debating which of them will do what and she convinces him that he needs to do the rescuing because hauling a person out of the drink will take a lot of strength. He's reluctant to go along with this, of course, because it means letting her drive. But they get dressed in yellow tunics and helmets and go out to the beach, where Other Rachel gets behind the handlebars. Dave backseat-drives her all the way over to a guy out in the water, who's treading water and periodically going under without a visible flotation device of any kind. Get that dude a bonus. Other Rachel pulls up to him and then he pretty much rescues himself, grabbing onto the sled and pulling himself up. All Dave has to do is hang on, then climb on top of the dude so Other Rachel can drive them back. "You'd probably prefer her on top of you, but sorry, bro," Dave tells the swimmer. I think anyone would, including people who like boys.

Art and JJ are enjoying the helicopter ride or at least Art is. "Whatever it is, let's just jog it in and see what we got, all right?" JJ grumps. I would tell him that his persistently crabby acrophobia is bringing me down, but he'd just say, "Good. That's where humans belong."

Brendon and Rachel get back to Sand Island and walk to the helicopters, though not fast enough for Brendon. "I'm coming, Brendon!" Rachel shrills. "Do you not want to jog?" he asks. She very much does not and communicates this in a voice that would cut through sheetrock. "I'm trying my hardest!" she lies. Brendon breaks out his old chestnut about how they should just give up, then. "Why do you always say that?" she shrieks. Brendon yells at her for walking in the final leg for a million dollars. She goes from shrieking to screeching as she says, "BRENDON! MY KNEES HURT! MY LEGS HURT! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!" I think he already answered that question several times, but he just says, "Oh my god." She rants on that she hates him and that he's blaming it all on her. "Damn you! I hate you! Take it!" and she hurls the Amazing Purse at him. Now that's Crazy Rachel. Eventually they make it to the helicopters, and are soon sealed inside with the unluckiest pilot in the world. "All I ever do is mess up," Rachel sobs, because we've reached the stage where she tries to make Brendon feel sorry for her and make her feel better. He tells her to move on and they'll finish up and go for second or first. I'd say their best-case scenario is for the pilot to parachute out halfway to Fiji.

Other Rachel drives Dave and their new passenger back to shore, saying, "I feel like Baywatch." Only with more clothes on. They meet up with a real lifeguard on shore, who tells them they completed the task. No need for mouth-to-mouth, apparently. The clue instructs, "Make your way to the Coral Kingdom Gate and follow the marked path to your clue." They run out to the road, where there is a fortuitous line of minivan taxis waiting -- almost as though somebody had arranged for them to be here. They hop into one, Other Rachel promising their driver a huge tip if she drives fast. She should have also specified accuracy.

Art and JJ get to the Route Info in second place. This appears to be Art's thing, as he interviews, "I used to do the search and rescue stuff for the Border Patrol, so I think it's gonna be pretty easy." With that, he tows JJ out into the surf.

Other Rachel and Dave's cabdriver is making a U-turn, which Dave hopes will get them going in the right direction. Well, that's what U-turns are for. Too bad they've already gone a mile.

Art reaches what looks like a whole party out in the ocean, with several swimmers and a camera boat and who knows what else, seen in a wide-angle shot that wasn't previously shown. I'm starting to suspect the water's only shoulder-deep out here. Art nearly swamps a victim anyway, but he and JJ manage to haul themselves aboard the sled. Soon all three are back on shore. Back in their regular clothes and head-bandannas, Art reads their second-place clue sending them to the Coral Kingdom Gate. A new close-up of the clue reveals that it includes a note: "When you arrive at the Coral Kingdom Gate, take all of your belongings and release your taxi." So that's either the end or they won't be taxiing to the end. Watch the spoilers, Amazing Editors!

Brendon is finishing getting Rachel bucked up when they finally land. I could have used a look at the pilot to see whether he removed his headset so he couldn't hear them or to permanently deafen himself or what. Rachel drives the Wave Runner, Brendon telling her to take it easy as he bounces on the breakers. If he knows a way to drive smooth over rough waves, I'd love to hear it.

Meanwhile, the other two teams' taxi drivers are in search of the Coral Kingdom Gate. "Unbelievably frustrating to have your fate in the hands of a stranger," Dave says, right behind their driver. He wouldn't be talking that way of she were an Army vet. Eventually she drops them off at the side of the road and they go running into the wilderness. But Art and JJ have been dropped somewhere entirely different and they're the ones who find what looks like a marked path. They follow the red-and-yellow flags down a muddy dirt road and then off of it and up a hill. Meanwhile, somehow, Other Rachel and Dave have come across a boathouse, with oars and paddleboards all laid out. They figure this is for them, which seems unlikely to me until they spot a hand-painted sign with a red-and-yellow border that reads, "Ride a stand-up paddleboard across the fishpond to the marked dock. You must ride your paddleboard standing up!" Okay, that's clearly a race-related signpost, but if racers can stumble across one task while actively looking for another, they're too close together. Yes, I know it's an island. I don't care. As for the stand-up paddleboards, they must be easier to balance than they look, because soon they're both rowing across the water. "Finish strong and our day's over," Dave says.

JJ is also telling Art to finish strong as they reach the top of the hill where a hula drum combo is banging away. Just once I'd like to see a racer go all John Cleese on the local musicians and scream, "Shut that bloody bouzouki off!" There are also clue envelopes in the top of a tree. Yeah, something's screwy here and it's up to the subtitles to clear it up. Fortunately they do, with a triumphant chime on the soundtrack: "Art & JJ: Currently in 1st Place." So obviously Other Rachel and Dave's day isn't anywhere near over. JJ opens this clue and reads that it's another Roadblock, which has to be done by whichever racer didn't do the ice challenge. Phil shows up to tell us that they'll "be tested like ancient warriors," which is another overstatement. He explains, "Hawaii is not only the birthplace of surfing waves, but also surfing down mountains on sleds called holuas, which can reach speeds of sixty miles an hour." I'm just going to tell you that that is not going to happen today. The sleds look like narrow bamboo ladders on long, wooden runners and the racers will have to ride them headfirst down the hill without falling off. Then they'll have to pick up an 'ulu maika, a stone with a flower design painted on it, which Phil tells us is "a disk-shaped lava rock that warriors use to break the ankles of their enemies." So that would be an automatic head-start in favor of anybody who would have to compete against Vanessa, right? Alas no; instead of crippling someone with the rocks, all they'll have to do is roll one fifty feet across a patch of dirt into a small goal net to earn their final clue. Total rip-off. "This is the leg that never ends," JJ carps. Art greases up his sled's runners, saying he only wants to do this once. We'll see how that works out. "Is my friend gonna die?" JJ asks the local guide to him. "No, he's not," she answers with way too much confidence for my liking. If she didn't need to say "probably not," the task isn't dangerous enough. Art lies headfirst, facedown on the sled at the edge of the hill and after making sure his pants are secure, he starts sliding down only to lose his balance and roll off into the grass before long. The main issue seems to be the fact that the sled is nowhere near as wide as Art is. JJ claims to the camera that he's a little more athletic and he could have done this, but then calls up encouragement. "It's fun as long as you don't fall off," Art says. How would he know?

Dave is encouraging Other Rachel all the way to the far dock. "Feels like a million dollars," he says. Soon it's about to feel like a million dollars that he has to pay back. JJ says he thinks they're making up time, "But I think it's a forgone conclusion. So I'm hoping maybe there's a snag."

You're damn right there is. It's awfully early in the second hour, but there are the fourth through eleventh-place teams flanking the approach to Phil and the giant mat on a beach. Other Rachel and Dave happily run up to it and jump on. It's not the usual jubilant atmosphere as Phil quiets everyone down and tells the new arrivals, "[Other] Rachel and Dave. You are the first team to arrive. However, you have not completed the Roadblock and you must complete the Roadblock before I can check you in at the Finish Line." They're both very confused, to say the least, probably because they did complete a Roadblock. The other teams helpfully emote shock for the cameras, as though they still owe the producers anything.

There's a replay of that moment after the last ad break and rather than arguing it with Phil. Other Rachel and Dave hurry back the way they came. "What the hell?" Dave wonders and they paddle all the way back across the water as Dave understates, "That's a game-changer." "Paddle for your life!" Other Rachel says. So now all three teams have had a colossal fuck-up in the final leg. Which means it's anyone's game again. I can't believe it took this long to get interesting.

Art's sled makes it to the bottom of the hill this time, but Art doesn't. JJ says it's not their day. "It's not how we wanted to finish, that's for sure." Is he saying they didn't visualize this?

As Other Rachel and Dave make it back to where they started paddling from, Other Rachel realizes they didn't follow the marked path. They would have had to find it for that to happen. Back on land, they wander into what looks like someone's yard (zoning laws are for the mainland, y'all) to ask for directions to Coral Kingdom Gate. The lady who lives there sends them about half a mile that way and they run off up the road. "Dave, please don't talk to me for the quarter mile," Other Rachel pants as they hoof it up the busy road. That's a smart request, but it might almost be worth the million dollars to slow down so his silence would last longer.

Rachel makes it back to the beach with Brendon and their "rescued" swimmer, clearly in a better mood. "That was pretty awesome," she says, before she opens their clue in last place sending them to Coral Kingdom Gate. Which, by the way, Other Rachel and Dave still have yet to reach.

Dave finally finds the marked path, and leads Other Rachel up the hill, saying they can still do this. "I'm dying a slow death," Other Rachel says. They open their clue and Dave says Other Rachel is doing this, which is probably good for them. Obviously Art and JJ are both amazed to see them here. "Art! We're in the lead! It's Dave and [Other] Rachel!" By the time JJ announces this, it's not entirely news to Art, who is actually standing to them at the top of the hill. JJ's amazed to just be still in the game and Dave says it's them versus Art and JJ for first place, which is "as it should be." Down on the sidelines, Dave and JJ finally shake hands and apparently bury that stupid, stupid hatchet. In actual racing news, Art falls off his sled the time as well. Other Rachel gets a turn now and even though Dave tells her she knows how to sled (they're from Wisconsin, after all), she wipes out on her first attempt as well. "That hurt," she says cheerfully as she schleps her sled back up the hill. "I think my back is probably all bleeding." Well, Art has done a nice job of churning the rocks up for her, I'm sure. This hill was grass when he got here.

Rachel and Brendon get out of their cab somewhere, but walk some distance off the road before finding a farmer who directs them a half-mile back up the road to Coral Kingdom Gate. "Mahalo," Rachel says as they hurry away. Art makes another go at it, but falls off again. And on her second try, Other Rachel's slimmer build and superior balance get her across the line before Art. "Un. Believable," JJ spits, while Art literally beats up the ground in frustrated fury. "Oh, Arthur, please dear Lord, just do it," JJ begs. But Art slides off again and says he can't do it. JJ insists that he can. "We were handed a million dollars and just threw it away," JJ mutters while Art heads back up the hill. "Gut-wrenching, man." I have to at least give JJ credit for having an extensive vocabulary for bitching.

Now it's time for Other Rachel to roll the stones. Her first attempt clips one of the goalposts, but I think she just wants Dave to shut up about "technique," like he knows anything about this. Art goes again and falls off again and JJ is getting even more frustrated. I don't know if you've been keeping track of how many unsuccessful attempts Art has made, but JJ certainly has. "This is Art's sixteenth time," he says bitterly. "Doing his roll. Or whatever the hell that is." Teamwork! Other Rachel's out of stones, so Dave collects them and runs them back to her, still yammering on about her technique. Other Rachel responds, "Dave, shut the fuck up right now. I swear to God, I will throw one of these at your ____." I don't know what word she used, but it makes the sarong-wearing, Stanley Tucci-looking Roadblock judge clap his hands and crack up. I think I'll go with "goolies."

Art makes what is at least his seventeenth attempt and falls off again. JJ says of Other Rachel, "If she gets in there, they're gonna race right to the finish and we lose a million dollars." Still not grasping the concept that it isn't their million dollars to lose yet. And then, when Other Rachel finally does it, JJ announces, "Okay, ballgame. She got it down there. We're done." Looks good on you, too. Other Rachel and Dave collect their clue from the judge and Dave points out that they already know where they're going, but reads, "At last, the Finish Line. Make your way to the Secret Island." There's a sweeping overhead shot of the beach with Phil, the giant mat and the other teams on it, as well as a subtitle confirming that it is indeed called the Secret Island. Although, since it was accidentally discovered by two people with a very high financial stake in finding an entirely different place quickly, a name change may be in order. Dave points out the ATV waiting for them here -- which would have come in pretty handy earlier -- and they put on helmets and drive off while JJ complains that "we were one stupid sled ride away from a million dollars. That's hard to stomach." Actually, you were about twenty sled rides and a bunch of aimless wandering around Honolulu away from a million dollars, if that makes you feel any better. Dave's already counting his chickens, saying, "I believe this is eight and a half victories, since we already saw Phil once." Actually, I think that makes it seven and a half.

Brendon and Rachel are just now finding the marked path to the sledding task. "Our taxi driver sucks," Rachel declares. Brendon agrees, but says they're over it and they're here. And they're certainly not the first Amazing Race team to get screwed by a cab ride in Hawaii. Hell, they're not the first Amazing Race 20 team to get screwed by a cab ride in Hawaii. They find the clue for the Roadblock, which Rachel is obviously doing. "Here comes Rachel and Big Brother. So we had this in the bag," JJ hisses. Lucky for Rachel she didn't take the time to put her layer of sequins back on.

Other Rachel and Dave, having driven back to the boathouse they visited earlier, take their helmets off their sweaty heads and get back on their paddle boards. "I'm proud of you no matter what," Dave tells Other Rachel, which is easy say under the circumstances. She returns the sentiment, which seems like it would be harder.

Rachel takes all of one unsuccessful slide before she's crying, covered with mud and grass stains and yelling at Brendon for trying to encourage her. Art fails again. And then Rachel makes it on her second try. I think even JJ was telling her to hang on there at the end, but he sighs extravagantly when nobody's looking. Then it's Rachel's turn to try rolling stones. One of them brushes a goal post. "So close," the judge confides to us. Rachel, of course, is getting frustrated all over again.

After an artistic long-distance shot of the hula drummers through the open mouth of a tiki idol, Art takes what JJ says will be one last try and this time he makes it at last. It's always the last attempt, isn't it? As much as Brendon and Rachel annoy me, I was half hoping for Phil to have to come find them here, with twenty other former racers in tow. They catch up to Team Big Brother at the stone-rolling phase and Art joins in.

Other Rachel and Dave make it back to the dock, Other Rachel saying she wants the million dollars for a week at a spa. Must feel like she has that coming. Dave tells her to see it through and once again they're the first to make it to the giant mat, holding hands all the way. Phil's in a much better mood this time as he greets them with the usual template speech: "[Other] Rachel and Dave! Five continents, nine countries, twenty-two cities and more than thirty-six thousand miles, [Other] Rachel and Dave, you are the winners of the one million dollars and the official winners of The Amazing Race!" He adds that they're the official record-holders of the most wins, which of course is what Dave says he's happiest about and Phil informs the other losers that these two won eight legs. Which they're probably learning for the first time. Phil asks the winners if it was worth it. Other Rachel claims she can't tell him what it's done for their relationship and gets tearful about how hard it was when he was gone for a year and she didn't know if they'd make it. "It was the worst year ever." And then he came home and was a complete asshole, right? "So it was awesome to spend a month together." Wait, what? Dave claims to have a new appreciation for his partner and Other Rachel says she couldn't be more grateful about how this race has brought them closer together. Well, since this is the first indication we've had all season that they can even stand each other, I'll have to take her word for it.

Back at the Roadblock, Art makes it on the roll, officially passing Team Big Brother... again. "Sorry, Brendon," Rachel says lamely. Art and JJ go, go, go, go, now in second place. "Perfect ending to this day," JJ says as he drives Art out of there. Brendon tells Rachel she's doing good and she actually makes the one. The judge raises his arms and hops up and down, while Brendon has to coax Rachel out of a pout to even get her in the vehicle. I'm not always sure what racers mean when they say "finish strong" to each other, but I know this isn't it.

I don't know how JJ and the balance-challenged Art got across the fishpond at all on those paddleboards, but we cut right to them arriving at the giant mat, still wearing their life jackets. "Congratulations, you guys deserved it," JJ says to the winners, apparently having picked up a little class somewhere on the trip from the Roadblock. Phil congratulates the Border Patrol on being team number two. JJ tries to put a brave face on it, saying, "It was a spectacular journey. And because we didn't win doesn't diminish it, right, Art?" Art agrees, as always, and JJ says it's bittersweet, saying they won and lost, but they did it together. "Not bad for a couple old guys, huh?" Art cackles. JJ says the experience is worth more than a million dollars. "It's priceless." So... not a waste after all, then?

Brendon and Rachel carry their paddleboards up the dock and finally make it to the giant mat as team number three. Rachel gives herself a hand, because it's not like anyone else is going to. Phil asks them if they got what they wanted out of the experience. Rachel says, "It was a cool experience for Brendon and I to do together as a couple." By the way, she looks like warmed-over shit, with her five-hundred-dollar extensions so befouled with wind, rain, mud, seawater, sweat and her own murky thoughts that she'd probably regret skipping the Fast Forward if she could see herself. Phil asks if they've made amends with the other teams and while Vanessa showily looks away and out over the ocean, Brendon says, "As soon as the race is done, and things are over, I think everybody doesn't really give a crap any more." Sure, tell yourself that. He adds that it was an amazing experience. "So thank you, guys," he concludes. The only applause he gets is a "yay!" from Rachel. Afterwards, they interview about how the race has tested their relationship (and it failed, as always, but it just keeps going), and even when they fight they know about the great love for each other at their core. Way, way down deep in their core where nobody will ever see it. Rachel says it was "an amazing experience that I'll never forget and it will be cherished the rest of my life." By somebody, somewhere, I'm sure. Hug-party on the mat, and for some reason we hear from fifth-place team Mark and Bopper again, as Mark talks about how much they appreciate the opportunity to be taken out the country and be sent around the world. Stubble-headed Bopper says he did it all for his little girl and would do it all again. Just time, be a little more careful getting out of the Land Rover. Everyone who hugs Bopper keeps rubbing his head, which must be a nice bonus. And a final word from the winners: "Operation Amazing Race has been a complete success," Dave dorks. "The eight victories and setting a new record is just the epitome of success." "And to have done that together is priceless," Other Rachel adds. "It's such a wonderful thing." And now they can go back to bickering at home in private. Finally, the music that plays over the final credits is like an upside-down version of the theme song from that TV show that Taylor Wily's on. Hawaii Faux-O? Hawaii Five-No? I'm sorry, these two-hour finales wear me out.

So I guess that with the final three we had (which I suspect would have been different if not for Vanessa's and/or Bopper's leg injuries), those were the best results that could be hoped for. But you listen to me, CBS and you listen good: I don't ever want to see Brendon and Rachel on my TV again, do you understand? I'm serious. Unless you want me to spend the entire season calling it The Amazeballs Race, keep it in mind.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.

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