In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
The race takes a bit of a turn, in Phil's quaint phrasing, as teams start fighting in earnest. When Brendon pushes past Ralph and Vanessa while changing planes in Nairobi, some pretty nasty words fly between Rachel and Vanessa. Art and JJ are not only happy to perpetuate this, they also start some of their own by first airing their suspicions to the other teams that Nary and Jamie are cops, and then accusing Team Undercover in person.
Of course, with all this interpersonal sniping going on, how can we expect the actual leg to hold any interest? In actual race news, the teams all fly to the outlying regions of Tanzania to take in the scenery and the local fauna. Apparently not allowed to drive themselves on the wildlife preserve, they direct local drivers to a spot where they're supplied rickety bicycles to ride down a dirt road into a village. There, a Detour presents a choice between throwing clubs at moving clay targets or jumping up and down with the locals. Nobody has any trouble with that except Vanessa, who can't seem to actually ride the bicycle. It's when they leave the village that things get tricky.
First of all, Art and JJ, who were in first place with Brendon and Rachel, get going the wrong way and fall to fourth. Conversely, Other Rachel and Dave jump from fourth place to the lead by being the first team to find the location, a campground where they have to set up a whole safari homestead, complete with shower. They fall to bickering, however, and their lead dwindles. As a result, their fourth first-place finish doesn't seem to come with a wide lead. Bopper and Mark, who assembled their campground efficiently, come in second, while Art and JJ take the bitter medicine of coming in third. Brendon and Rachel are fourth, while Vanessa and Ralph prove faster at erecting a tall tent than Nary and Jamie were, and come in fifth. The federal agents, however, keep at it. And even after stopping on their way to the Pit Stop to look at some elephants, reaching the mat in last place doesn't cost them the race, because it's non-elimination and they're still in it. Thank heavens; it would be a shame if something were to actually happen.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!For over ten years now, you've been talking to people about The Amazing Race. And for over ten years now, those same people have been putting their noses up in the air and haughtily declaring, "I don't watch reality TV." (Everybody says that, so obviously somebody is lying.) "It's always just a bunch of idiots arguing," they say. "But no," you tell them earnestly," The Amazing Race is different. You learn about other parts of the world and other cultures. And at the end, the team that took the longest to do everything goes home. It's not just idiots arguing." And then tonight you finally get them to watch an episode with you and now they'll never listen to anything you say about anything ever again.
Phil welcomes us back to Azerbaijan's capital city of Baku, specifically the vast esplanade that serves as the Pit Stop for the sixth leg of the race and the start of the seventh. We're over the hump, in other words. Since Other Rachel and Dave won the leg, they will be the first to start this one, at 9:15 PM. The clue tells them to "fly to the gateway of Africa's wildlife heritage, Kilimanjaro, Tanzania." We see lots of footage of wildebeests and zebras and leopards and even a lion... yet not a single airport, so that might prove tricky. But Other Rachel and Dave are up for it. They head to a travel agency to find out about flights and learn that the one leaves at 8:30 the morning and has a stop in Nairobi, so that's what they book. Simple enough.
Art and JJ are starting the leg at 10:45 PM, in second place. JJ interviews before the leg that they're the frontrunners, which is a bold statement to make when you're leaving ninety minutes behind the leaders, Fast Forward or no. He says they hope to soon see the last of some of the deadweight. "I.e.e. [sic] Big Brother team. I'm so tired of them following us. And we're kind of getting to the point where we're kind of getting a little cranky about it." Uh, when were they not?
Mark and Bopper -- otherwise known as Team Kentucky -- open their clue in third place at 10:55 PM. They're off to Africa a leg later than they thought. One minute later, Rachel jumps up and down screaming with happiness at this chance to fulfill not one but two lifelong dreams (hers, of going on an African safari and mine, of seeing her eaten by hyenas). Mark and Bopper are also amazed at their good fortune, being country boys who get to go to Africa. Wouldn't it be sad if they got home and their country-boy status was revoked? "Sorry, boys, y'all went to too many other places and went all cosmopolitan on us. Drinking your Coors with one pinky in the air was the last straw." These two teams soon show up at the same travel agency Art and JJ are at -- which is the same one that Other Rachel and Dave visited earlier. Well, it's the land of fire, not the land of travel agencies. JJ quietly (but not too quietly) predicts that Brendon and Rachel will try to get whatever they get. JJ warns the agent as much and things get tense as Brendon and Rachel sit down at the adjoining desk to try to listen in. Rachel VOs that they never did anything to Art and JJ, "They just don't think we deserve to be here." Rachel never did anything to me either, but that doesn't mean she hasn't been on every nerve I possess, most of them multiple times. Bopper and Mark show up and the only tension there comes from Bopper loading up his pockets from the candy bowl. Which is to say, none -- other than my concerns about Bopper's remaining teeth.
Nary and Jamie start off the leg at 11:32 PM, in fourth place. Jamie interviews that they've been federal agents for six years. Also, in case you were curious, Jamie's gun went off and shattered her femur last year during a training exercise and Nary never left her side while she was recovering. Which is sweet. Except for the part about Jamie shooting herself in the leg. Although I guess it's an improvement over how frequently we see teams doing that to themselves during the race. But then, the race isn't over. Remember how Nary and Jamie decided to tell everyone they were kindergarten teachers for some reason?
Yeah, about that. While waiting for their turn with the one travel agent in the entire city of Baku, Bopper and Mark talk about the teams still behind them: the "teachers" and Vanessa and Ralph, who we see opening their first clue in sixth and last place at 11:35 PM. "They're not teachers," JJ declares to the room at large. Well, now he has everyone's attention. We flash back to the leg and Art tells us about a conversation he and JJ had with Nary and Jamie while waiting for the Fire Temple to open. Art says he used the jargon term "UC operations" in reference to undercover and Jamie asked without missing a beat, "What kind of UC operations do you do in the Border Patrol?" Art tells us this and explains, "That chick ain't no teacher, she's a cop." And how ironic that Team Undercover may have blown their own UC operation by talking about UC operations. In the travel agency, talking to the other teams, the Border Patrol agents are less specific, backing up their theories in terms of Nary and Jamie's personalities not fitting their idea of a kindergarten teacher. What, are they not badass enough? In any case, their work here is done, so they get their booking and head out, barely even out the door before predicting that Rachel's going to ask the travel agent which tickets they got.
And sure enough, that's exactly what Rachel does and then asks the agent if they told him not to tell her. "Pull up those little-boy britches and be a man," JJ bitches in the cab. Far be it from me to defend Brendon and Rachel against anyone or anything, but what is it they're supposed to do? Ask the agent to get them a more creative flight to Kilimanjaro? Meanwhile, at the agency, Brendon and Team Kentucky are agreeing that as nice as Nary and Jamie are, they can be whatever they want. Yet JJ, as he sees them arriving while he and Art are leaving, says, "Even if they are teachers, there'll be good [as] something to stir the pot." Alas for him, that's only true if anyone cares. Indeed, the ladies walk in and Brendon immediately spills the beans. Nary and Jamie get quiet in a hurry. Man, I hope they don't do any real undercover work. Luckily for them, the others would rather joke around about it, because as I may have previously mentioned, no one cares. Nary and Jamie interview that "the jig may be up," but they still maintain that their agency is better than Art and JJ's, and that Nary could kick their asses. I suppose Jamie couldn't, what with the bad leg and all.
Vanessa and Ralph are the last team to get to the travel agency. By the time they're sitting down, Rachel walks by disingenuously saying, "I wish there was a quicker flight than 10 AM." Vanessa laughs and says she isn't buying that, but Rachel's sticking to her story. Not to worry -- as soon as Rachel is gone, Vanessa mocks her robotically bad acting. Team Kentucky and Team No Longer Undercover book their seats on the plane, as do Ralph and Vanessa and after a nighttime shot of a plane on the runway, Phil and the Amazing Red Line tell us that everyone's on the same flight to Kilimanjaro, Tanzania via Nairobi, Kenya. Oddly, we see the teams getting off the plane at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi. Which never happens, so that tells us something's going to go down during the plane transfer. Rachel tells Brendon to jog, and they bump past Ralph and Vanessa in the narrow concourse and then Brendon flips Ralph off to boot. The camera doesn't catch it, but Ralph did and so did Art, who immediately tells JJ about it. Soon they're in line together and the tension is rising as Ralph (somehow now back in front of Team Big Brother with Vanessa) warns Brendon to watch where he puts his finger. I could have told him that last summer. "I'm here to play, baby," Brendon tools, like flipping the bird is playing.
But behind Brendon, the Border Patrol tells him they're here to follow and haven't played the game yet. Rachel snaps at everyone to get out of their faces, but soon Vanessa's getting into it, arguing with Rachel about which of them shoved the other. "I'm much smaller than you," Vanessa points out. "I don't take up that much space." The other teams are laughing at the rising hostilities until Rachel calls them all crazy and Vanessa says dismissively, "Put on more sparkles." Advantage: Vanessa. As always. Ralph tells her to stop and she says she will. But since Rachel's not done yet, neither is Vanessa. "How old are you?" Rachel asks Vanessa, which is quite a question coming from an individual of Rachel's emotional maturity. "Aren't you, like, 38?" Wow, really? Maybe Vanessa wasn't kidding about her plastic surgery back in Turin. Vanessa confirms that's her age and adds, "And somehow I still look younger than you." Mean, but true. "Honey, get your nose done before you get your boobs done," she continues. "Do everybody a favor." Yow, look who brought a gun to a knife fight. Rachel stands there with her mouth open, in the typical shocked expression she deploys when anyone is as rude to her as she so frequently is to others. I'd invite her to chew on that through the commercial break, if her mouth were not for once completely immobilized.
They're still arguing after the ads, even though Ralph would still like Vanessa to stop already. As the line progresses and Team Big Brother moves to the stage, JJ says, "That they're even in the same race as us is disgusting." Brendon doesn't care about any of this, even though he started it and Rachel got into it by defending him. But Rachel's meltdown needle is deep into the orange zone, especially as she sees JJ at the window openly laughing at her. Brendon has to go follow Rachel as she cries over Vanessa's trash-talking. Vanessa sees this across the concourse and remarks to Ralph that Rachel's reaction is "over the top." Well, not for Rachel. "You made her cry," Ralph points out. "I didn't make her cry, her lack of self-esteem made her cry," Vanessa argues, not entirely incorrectly. "If you can't take it, don't dish it out." Yeah, Rachel still doesn't have the hang of that.
By now everyone's through the line and milling around near the departure gate, but not having helped sow enough discord and chaos in the last thirty seconds, JJ calls over Nary and Jamie and with Art smiling nervously at his side, he asks, "Really, what job do you guys do, because you're not kindergarten teachers." Nary asks why he thinks that, while Jamie just looks busted. "You really want to get into this?" she asks after a moment, smiling and points out that there's already enough silliness going on right now (which, seconded). They interview about the arrogance of their profession and how Art and JJ think they can intimidate them, but there in the airport, they stick to their story. Art and JJ are still not fooled and they seem to think they've done some good work here. "Makes you feel good. Get some juices flowing before we hit that road running, baby," JJ dicks. Sounds great. Hey, are we ever going to hit that road at some point in this episode?
Mount Kilimanjaro. Giraffe. Hippo. Tiger. Elephants. You know, Africa in the sunshine. But it's dark when the teams land at Kilimanjaro International Airport. There's the usual scramble for cabs, which the teams have to take to Arusha Airstrip to sign up for flights to the Ngorongoro Crater. Yes, I know you've never heard of either of those places. Don't worry about it. Even in separate cabs, Vanessa and Team Big Brother and the Border Patrol all hate each other, although Ralph once again tells Vanessa not to worry about other teams. Save your breath, big guy. At the airstrip's office building, which looks more like a suburban convenience store than an air terminal in the darkness, Art and JJ are the first to arrive, allowing them to sign up on the board for one of the two spots on a 9:30 AM flight, the earliest one to take off the morning. Brendon and Rachel score the other slot on that flight, which doesn't seem entirely safe. Bopper and Mark get the first pair of seats on the second flight, which will leave at 9:45, along with Other Rachel and Dave. "That's gonna be an interesting flight," Other Rachel mutters to Dave. That leaves Nary, Jamie, Vanessa and Ralph on the 10:00 AM flight. Now they just have to settle down to spend the balance of the night on the bug-ridden patio. Which looks almost as uncomfortable and annoying as being around Rachel.
The morning, the hyenas, gazelles, lions, and giraffes in the interior are waking up for the day and we see the first two teams getting ready to board the first flight. "They're our best friends," JJ deadpans. With Mount Kilimanjaro itself in the background, Rachel says she's not just motivated to beat the other teams, but "destroy them." Destruction of another team sounds like a good way to get slapped with a penalty, not that she cares. For their part, Art thinks someone will be crying by the end of the day. "Just don't let it be you, Art," JJ says. Oh all right... heh. The small prop plane takes off and the racers put aside their animosity long enough to mutually gush about the scenery and how lucky they are to experience this. The second pair of teams takes off at 9:45 and from however far overhead they are, Bopper misidentifies a herd of wildebeests as tigers. We'll just assume the plane is really high. Finally, the 10:00 flight goes up and Ralph says his daughter will be jealous. "We'll bring her a hippo," Vanessa offers dismissively. Their pilot draws their attention to a vast flock of flamingos empinkening a wide stretch of land below. The planes' routes take them all over the crater of the volcano, which amazes everyone -- except Nary, who's asleep with her head against the bulkhead with her eyes and mouth open. Glamorous!
The lead flight comes in for a landing on a red clay airstrip out on the veldt somewhere. Near where the plane comes to a stop, there's a pouch full of clues in front of a row of green Land Rovers. Brendon and Rachel get to the clues just ahead of the Border Patrol (apparently the back row of seats was closer to the plane's door) and both teams read that they'll have to choose a "safari vehicle," because you can't say "Land Rover" on a show that's being paid for by Ford. Each Land Rover comes equipped with a driver, but the racers will have to tell the driver how to get them to the western rim of the Ngorongoro Crater, where a Masai warrior is leaning on a bicycle waiting to give them their clue. Why are Masai always warriors, anyway? Is it really that hard for them to get along with people? In any case, both lead teams get into the back seats of separate vehicles, with Brendon and Rachel's in the lead for now. "This is a first, Art, we're following Big Brother," JJ points out, because he kind of has to. Rachel spots some people to get directions from -- locals carrying spears. All four racers end up running out to them together and are pointed in the right direction, because apparently they took off going the wrong way. After both teams are turned around, Big Brother is following the Border Patrol again, and order is restored to the universe. Both teams marvel at the brightly dressed Masai people walking around and more amazing scenery and, of course, the zebras.
The second flight lands and soon Other Rachel (who for some reason says from the plane, "Uh-oh, natives," like she's on Gilligan's Island), Dave, Bopper and Mark are in their Land Rovers, in third and fourth place respectively. Other Rachel and Dave aren't quite so lucky with finding English-speaking people to give them directions and are soon off-roading, while Bopper and Mark seem to be on a smoother path. Mark talks about how much he wanted to come here. "My great-great grandpa was a slave and I think that he come from this area." That's such a moving statement that I don't even feel like looking into how many nineteenth-century slaves came from Tanzania.
The Border Patrol and Team Big Brother reach the rim of the crater, where the Masai-clist hands them their clues in first and second place respectively. Phil tells us it's time for a Detour, in which the teams will get to pick one of two traditional ways to experience the Masai way of life: "Marksmanship" or "Courtship." In either case, each racer has to pick out a bicycle (apparently Masai are all about bicycles these days, so maybe they should consider the consider rebranding to "Masai gearheads") and ride it down to the village. Then, for "Marksmanship," they'll need to practice hunting like the Masai, using heavy wooden throwing-clubs called "Rungu" to hurl at a moving target. The target is a clay rabbit that appears to be slowly hopping up from behind a hedge. That's because it's attached to a bicycle wheel that's being slowly being pedaled by another guy from a safe distance. Maybe we're on Gilligan's Island after all. Each team member has to break a target before they get their clue. In "Courtship," on the other hand, Phil is suddenly standing among a group of Masai who are madly doing their iconic pogo dance, which Phil describes as "a traditional jumping ritual known as Adumu." Taking care to remind us that this is almost 8,000 feet above sea level -- which means the air is even thinner than Art's hair -- Phil tells us that the teams will have to keep up the jumping for a full minute to earn their clue. Art and JJ decide on Marksmanship, while Rachel decides she and Brendon will do Courtship. How apropos. "They jump really high, but I think we can jump high," she assures Brendon. Both teams get on the high, rickety bikes and commence the nervous-making ride down the bumpy hill, "hoping not to die," as JJ puts it.
The plane carrying the last pair of teams threads the needle between some goats on the landing strip and spot some pretty animated locals outside the windows. "All these people, like, are so excited and happy to see us," Ralph says. "I don't know why." Vanessa's got the answer, though: "They haven't met us yet."
Art and JJ make it to the village, but the shaking of the bikes has them in a condition that has Art saying, "I'm glad I had all my kids already." There are a group of villagers waiting for them, with their help the Border Patrol agents are soon draped in the local togas over their clothes and strapped-on torso mics. Team Big Brother is right behind them. "Thank you for allowing us to be part of your culture," Brendon dorks to the guy dressing him up. Funny, he never thanked my culture for that. At the marksmanship range, Art and JJ soon see what's up and start throwing clubs. JJ gets pissed at not being able to hit his target right away, what with being the quarterback on his "semi-pro" law enforcement football team -- whatever that means -- but it takes him a few tries. But once he succeeds, he's at least free to coach Art, who seems a bit encumbered by what he calls his "Superman cape." There's a misnomer for you.
Team Big Brother runs to a fenced-in area where a large ring of locals are already singing and jumping. The tune they're performing is rather bluesy, which is a little surprising until you think about it for half a second. Brendon and Rachel join in on the leaping and Rachel says it's a blessing to be part of it. For her, she means. She also appreciates the height that the locals get without even the benefit of Air Jordans. Over at the Marksmanship range, Art is still throwing and missing while Brendon and Rachel, under the unsmiling eye of the chief, keep jumping until a horn sounds and they head over to collect their clues, now in first place. The clue tells them to direct their driver to a place called Simba Campsite.
Art and JJ see Team Big Brother already leaving on their bikes by the time Art breaks a target and they get their clue. "I just want to take it in a little bit," JJ says before boarding his bike. He takes it in for about five seconds. As an explanation for his poor marksmanship, Art says, "I'm better at shooting stuff."
Other Rachel and Dave are the team to find the Masai-clist at the hilltop and get on their bikes. "We're biking in Tanzania!" Dave marvels. "This is scary as hell!" Other Rachel agrees. The two lead teams, meanwhile, are having trouble pedaling back up the hill. Turns out that's even harder than going down. Just as Dave and Other Rachel coast down by them, Dave yells, "Let's go, Rach, come on, cruise!" She tells him to stop yelling at him and he says, "I'm not! You're doing awesome! Don't misconstrue my support for yelling!" Gosh, why would she ever do that?"
"On your right," JJ says to Brendon as he passes him going up the hill. I've always suspected that "on your right" is secretly biker-ese for "fuck you," and this does nothing to disprove that theory. JJ is the first to reach the top of the hill, but both teams are back in their vehicles by the time Bopper and Mark arrive in theirs, in fourth place. "Follow them!" Rachel orders their driver, meaning the Border Patrol. Brendon yells out the window to Mark and Bopper to do Courtship, so that's what they decide to do. JJ's just as annoyed by Team Big Brother following them as ever.
Other Rachel and Dave reach the village and head to the Marksmanship range. Dave tries to get Other Rachel to watch him so he can show her how it's done, but so far he's just showing her how to miss. Bopper and Mark show up and head into the courtship area and start jumping. "White men can jump!" Bopper crows over the din.. Mark adds in an interview that they could have kept doing this for ten minutes. Bopper talks about how welcome they felt, but Mark says he hopes nobody thought Bopper was courting. They get their clue in third place and take their leave like they're the Beatles. Over at the Marksmanship range, Other Rachel and Dave see their departure and then Dave almost immediately gets his target. Good, now he's free to annoy Other Rachel during what will be many more unsuccessful -- nope, she gets it two tries later, so they're in fourth place. That could have gone a lot worse.
The third and last pair of teams finally reaches the guy with the bikes. Team No Longer Undercover, in fifth place, chooses Marksmanship, the same as Vanessa and Ralph. Three of them are soon riding bikes down the steep, bumpy hill, but tiny little Vanessa can't seem to get her high bicycle balanced and keeps falling off and crashing into the ditch. Maybe you do forget how to ride a bike, if you're Vanessa. As Nary and Jamie reach the village, she gives up and walks it down the hill, yelling at Ralph's attempts at verbal assistance. "I can't ride it, it's too tall!" We go to ads wondering how many times in her relationship she's told him that.
She takes another crack at it after the ads, with her feet splayed out to the sides instead of on the pedals. I think that's to serve the dual purpose of helping her stay on balance and to break her fall when she inevitably fails to do so. Sure enough, she ends up crashing again, although at least this time she makes a relatively soft landing onto a high dirt bank. "Just walk it, babe," Ralph says, as though that isn't what she's been wanting to do all along. Meanwhile, at the bottom of the hill, Jamie and Nary have already started throwing Rungu. "We're used to targets and we're both great shots," Jamie interviews, all evidence to the contrary. "I hear that," says Jamie's femur.
Art and JJ tell their driver to slow down as they pull up to something that looks like a destination, but it turns out to just be Japanese tourists with cameras. It's actually kind of amazing that this show doesn't see more of those. They tell their driver, Richard, to drive on. Behind them, Brendon and Rachel get directions from another group of people who tell them to go back the way they came. Rachel's frustrated at this development, but as Brendon correctly points out, "As of right now Art and JJ are out in front, in the wrong direction, which is very good for us." I bet Art and JJ will be mad that Brendon and Rachel didn't spend more time following them when they find out about this. Bopper and Mark are also being told they're going the wrong way and need to turn around.
And after all this, it's Other Rachel and Dave, who not so long ago were in fourth place, who find Simba-A campsite. Near the entrance is a packet of clues sticking out from behind a shield that's hung on spears stuck into the bright-green grass. "Set up camp for the night," Dave reads from one of the clues. And this ain't no KOA, mind you. Parked nearby are some Army trucks filled with materials, which Phil says they'll need to start by unpacking, and then "construct this elaborate safari tent, complete with a working bush shower." It is a very nice tent, which also includes two made-up cots, a large shaded porch with a bamboo mat, director's chairs, a table, a canvas sink and various other amenities. As for the shower, it's a canvas cubicle with a solar water sack hanging overhead. We were going to buy one of those for one of our camping trips many years ago, but as my wife Trash pointed out, "Somebody inevitably pees in it." The rest of us were all like, "How is that inevitable? How is that even likely?" But we've never bought one. She remains convinced. I think she suspects they come from the factory with pee already in it. Phil says they can race to the Pit Stop after they're done. "The last team to check in here--" "here" being a spot on a hilltop with a commanding view for miles around -- "may be eliminated." So does that mean there was no Roadblock this leg or does it mean that there was a Roadblock and it was edited out to show more of the interpersonal drama? I'm sure I could find out, but I don't actually want to know.
Other Rachel and Dave start unloading the heavy gear, wondering where the other teams have gotten to and figuring they went the wrong way. Dave says, "This might be in the deep recesses of my army skill set, so the attention to detail of emulating the model definitely I won't have any problems with that. Especially with my OCD." And I'm sure your OCD will make for a harmonious, peaceful collaboration with your wife too.
Nary hits her target just as Ralph and Vanessa arrive at the Rungu range and Jamie hits hers soon after. The undercover agents are happy to get their clue in fifth place. They're off and Ralph and Vanessa quickly start throwing some near misses. They're not going to be here long.
Art and JJ are just now finding out they've been going the wrong way to Simba-A camp and are not happy about it. At all. "We were in first place," JJ says miserably. "Now I think we're fighting for our life." But hey, on the bright side at least Brendon and Rachel aren't following you anymore!
Ralph and Vanessa are taking turns and she hits her rabbit first, just like Ralph told her to. She tells Ralph to slow down and aim and, after a brief bout of frustration, he eventually hits one. Now it's the fun bike ride back up, and she gives it a half-ass try (which is more than was warranted, probably) before telling Ralph she's walking again. "I'm not gonna kill myself over this." Ralph points out that they're going to fall way behind. "Please don't be mean to me," Vanessa says. I don't know if that was mean, but it was certainly unnecessary.
Brendon and Rachel and then Bopper and Mark show up at Simba-A camp while Other Rachel and Dave are getting started with the process of putting together the metal frame of their tent. Other Rachel observes that other teams are showing up and Dave grumps, "I realize that." "Be nice!" Rachel snaps. Off to a great start. The other two teams start unloading big stuff first. "I'm no African safari bushmaster, but I've camped before," Rachel says, dumping a long, canvas-covered cylinder onto Brendon. "Be careful, it's heavy," she calls down to his freshly pulped corpse. Soon there are three teams working at the setup.
"You realize we're out, right?" Ralph says to Vanessa at the top of the hill, like there's anything she can do about it. In the car, he says, "I'm not upset at you, I just hate losing. It just bothers me. I hate it. It's not you. I'm proud of you. You did good." She's feeling bad, but it's not like they were going to keep coming in fifth and sixth and seventh indefinitely. Of course, he doesn't know Art and JJ went way out of their way and are probably far behind as well, so it's not a done deal that this team is in last place even now.
Oops, Art and JJ just made it to the camp in fourth place. And so did Nary and Jamie, in fifth. Nary and Jamie notice that a lot of the camping crap is heavy, and despite being federal agents, they're still girls. Meanwhile, Dave gets frustrated with how the pipes aren't fitting together and Hulks the whole assembly to the ground, saying they have to start over. Meanwhile, Rachel goes over to the completed model campsite to measure pipes on it by lying down to them. If the Rachel becomes a standard unit of length, I'm leaving the country. "Just do it with your feet, baby, take steps," Brendon advises. Dave is telling Other Rachel that something's not right. "I heard you the first five times," Other Rachel snaps. She asks him to hold something up. "Yep, 'cause I got eight hands," he says, easily reaching over to hold it in place. "Thank you, you're darling!" she sings. "God, you're being annoying," he responds. There is literally no getting along with him sometimes. Rachel explains that the challenge of the poles arises from the fact that they're high and one person has to hold them up while the other person hammers the pegs in. For some reason they have taller Brendon doing the latter job while the relatively stumpy Rachel holds bars in place over her head, probably because she doesn't know how to operate a mallet. Nary and Jamie, meanwhile, are actually communicating well together.
Vanessa and Ralph arrive in last place and soon take in the fact that a lot of the teams are arguing. Like how Other Rachel keeps sarcastically saying to Dave, "Yes, sir!" and he tells her not to be an asshole. Ralph and Vanessa naturally see this as an opportunity, as long as they can avoid falling into bickering themselves. I have to say that this stuff is tough to do in a hurry without fighting. I mean, I've put up somewhat less complicated camping equipment while racing -- not against other teams, but mosquitoes or rainclouds or failing daylight or a hungry kid and it can get tense. Even Bopper tells Mark to watch his tone and JJ tells art to hurry before their flimsy structure in progress collapses (which it does) and Other Rachel tells Dave she's sick of his pouting and asks what he wants to do about whatever he thinks isn't right. "Shut your mouth," he says unhelpfully, whanging away with the mallet. "That's why we're not here with our wives," JJ smugly tells the camera. Lucky Art and JJ's wives. "First team to arrive, last team to leave. What's new," Dave bitches and Other Rachel calls him "the most negative person I know in this fricking universe." Let's test that assertion by watching some commercials, shall we?
Finally, after having a whole frame set up, Dave angrily points out to Rachel what the issue is, showing her some brackets that have to be on the roofline instead of where the walls will meet the ceiling. Like it's her fault. They tear apart the whole thing in short order and get going again quickly. "When communication is flowing and we're supportive of one another, we're unstoppable," Dave boasts. Which explains why they've only won half the legs. Soon the whole frame is up and Other Rachel's arranging their furniture while Jamie talks about the frustration and difficulty she and Nary are dealing with. And yet somehow not biting each other's heads off.
Time passes, as shown by some time-lapse cloud photography and we come back to several teams with their tents nearly erected. Maybe there really wasn't a Roadblock, given that this is turning out to be challenging enough to make up for both the absence of a Roadblock and half of a Detour. Rachel says she's used to pop-up tents (as a "VIP hostess," I'm sure that's true), but interviews that this one is extreme. "I feel like I'm setting up a circus tent," she says as Brendon makes with the pounding. Part of that may be due to the way she herself is dressed, though. Bopper is tying his and Mark's entrance flaps in place, with Mark right under him. Art is tying knots outside while JJ is taking care of the interior tasks. "I felt like a woman," JJ says with his usual degree of enlightenment, as we watch him carefully folding towels before moving on to the shower. Ralph and Vanessa seem to be working well together, which Ralph credits to her "listening and following instructions," and which I attribute to gigantic Ralph's ability to pop these huge, heavy frame pieces together like Tinkertoys. She observes to Ralph, "We're way ahead of the teachers." That's what they get for showing up at the travel agency after Nary and Jamie were outed.
Indeed, Team Undercover are the only ones still struggling to put a frame together, while every other team already has the canvas over their structures. They say it wasn't so much a technical challenge as a physical one, being the only remaining all-female team and finding themselves without enough height to get the frame erected. Other teams are already putting up their showers -- Other Rachel and Dave efficiently, Team Big Brother with a lot of whining from Rachel and followed by some amusing grappling from inside the stall, Art and JJ with some collapsing and Vanessa inside while it nearly comes down around her. "Ain't gonna kill you," Ralph scoffs. "Well, it came close," she mutters. Other Rachel and Dave are now in the cinder-block restroom, filling their shower pouch in the sink. "Is this good enough water, do you think?" Dave wonders. "It just needs to flow," Other Rachel says, which if you think about it is a terrifying answer. I'd rather have someone pee in it. Mark calls over a safari guide to check out their work. "When you get done I'd like to use this shower," Mark says. Peeking out of his half-completed shower cubicle, JJ mutters, "Dammit, if they get it I'm gonna kick myself." The guide checks Team Kentucky's shower and says, "You're not done." Bopper realizes that means they need water in it, so Mark goes running to the rest house with a bucket. Meanwhile, Other Rachel and Dave ask for a check. While she looks everything over, Dave says, "Hopefully you haven't done it with a spouse, 'cause it's no fun." Especially if one of those spouses is Dave. Finally, after looking everything else over, she turns on their shower. "That's good water pressure," Dave points out and they're done. "Unbelievable," JJ moans as Other Rachel and Dave run whooping to their Land Rover and tell their driver to take them to Simba campground B, which they passed on the way here. As they pull out, Dave says, "Rachel and I are so damn stubborn. We yell at each other, we bitch, we complain, but we somehow pull it out." Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose. Until it doesn't and it isn't.
Bopper and Mark have their shower filled, so after another check, they're finished as well. "Dang it!" JJ curses. Other Rachel and Dave are arriving at Simba B. Phil, under a wide-brimmed bush hat, points them out to the Masai greeter as they approach. "Phil, you always have me at the top of a hill!" Rachel pants as she high-fives him. The greeter welcomes them to something I can't understand and Phil tells them they're team number one, plus they've won a trip to Costa Rica. Phil confirms that this is the fourth leg they've won. "Shh, don't ell anyone else," Other Rachel says. Somehow I think the news will get out. One zoom to the mat and some banjo and fiddle music later, Bopper and Mark are in second place. "We are walkin' 'em down, slowly walkin' 'em down," Mark modestly says.
Art and JJ get the go-ahead to proceed to the Pit Stop and Art gives the safari guide an exhausted hug. "You look as though you need a drink," she chuckles. "I need more than a drink," Art says as he shambles from the scene. "That was a bitch," he says as they get into their car. Ralph is asking Vanessa, who's tying the roof on, whether the beds need to be made as Brendon and Rachel get the green light. Jamie looks ready to cry, but at least she and Nary have managed to make some shade for themselves. "We haven't slept in three days," she says as a vulture circles symbolically overhead -- I guess not counting Nary's power-nap on the plane. "We're extremely hungry, tired, need water. There's a lot to stress about and it's not going to do you any good to get all frazzled." Especially since we're due for a non-elimination leg anyway. "Ralph and Vanessa are still here," Jamie points out. Although the latter team has their beds made, so they won't be there for long. Still, Nary and Jamie aren't going to give up on the race any more than they're going to give up on their ridiculous, unnecessary cover story.
Art and JJ show up on the mat as the third place team, which is news they take like a punch to the gut. Phil says, "This race is getting interesting now, because as this rift between the teams..." Art lies that they're "trying to minimize our involvement in that junk and just do what we gotta do." "Yeah, just get us to the million bucks," JJ also lies. So they're all about fucking with people except when Phil asks them about it.
Brendon and Rachel come in fourth and are pretty happy about it. "So it seems that the race seems to have taken a little bit of a turn," Phil buzzkills. "Some nasty words have been spoken going back and forth?" Rachel claims, "We're not going to let anyone's negative personality affect us any more." Besides her own, that is. "Nobody's going to spoil this for us," Brendon agrees. The Masai greeter's face is like, "So this is one of those first-world problems I keep reading about on Twitter, right?"
There are two teams left at the campground, but not for long; Vanessa and Ralph get the go-ahead and hurry to their car while the federal agents are making up what Jamie, refers to as their "pretty bedroom, pretty bedroom." She sounds on the verge of cracking up. Jamie narrates that the other teams are also gone, but they're going to finish and aren't giving up. As they put up their stall, Jamie says, "This is what a lot of guys at work have been wanting, is Nary and I in the shower together. Well, they got it, but we ain't looking so hot right now." Whatever... a screen cap it's probably on the bulletin board at work as you read this.
Vanessa and Ralph make it to the mat and are team number five and Phil repeats his earlier comment about the race taking a turn. Vanessa explains, "Most everybody is kind of on the same page about the green team." Well, except Bopper and Mark, who trusted them enough to heed their good advice about which Detour to choose. And Other Rachel and Dave, who are too busy hating each other to hate anyone else. And Nary and Jamie, who don't seem to hate anyone or anything. Phil asks if they're going to make up and Vanessa isn't interested in speaking with them. "There's really no need for us to be friends within this race." Not much danger of it, either.
Nary and Jamie are finally finished and as they ride to the Pit Stop, they know they're the last team, but at least they had fun. And in fact they still are, as they excitedly point out a herd of elephants on a hill. They even ask their driver to stop so they can get out and take a closer look. "What a great end to our day. Amazing." Finally they get to the mat, and Phil informs them with a telling half-smile that they're the last team to arrive. Jamie says they knew, but they weren't going to give up. "No regrets?" Phil asks. None, apparently. Not even claiming to be kindergarten teachers for now reason. "We're hoping you're not going to eliminate us, though," Nary says hopefully. "Is that what you'd like?" Phil asks, tipping his hand. They say they'd love that and Phil happily tells them it's a non-elimination leg. In a post-leg interview, Jamie says, "We're just here to have a great time and try to win a million dollars and see the world. We're here, we're committed, and we live to see another day." I guess if there has to be a non-elimination leg, it might as well be one where a single team has a physical disadvantage. Still, we got no Roadblock, no elimination, a half-assed Detour and all the tedious interpersonal drama we avoid other reality shows for. Hey, what do Jamie and this season of The Amazing Race have in common? They both have a bad leg.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!