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The teams have to go from the Asuncion Pit Stop to a local travel agency to book flights to Turin, Italy, but Bopper and Mark make the mistake of going directly to the airport first. This leads to all of the other seven teams getting on a plane that leaves an hour and fifteen minutes earlier than Team Kentucky's flight. Once they get there, the main pack struggles with Italian traffic and a spiral run uphill, where Art and JJ attempt a Fast Forward in which Art has to try to land a remote-control helicopter on JJ's head. The other teams take on the Roadblock, where they have two minutes to rappel down the atrium they just climbed up and grab a clue halfway down. Vanessa and Jamie have trouble with the task, while Other Rachel and Dave have trouble with each other. On the way to the clue, we see that even the magical self-parking feature on the product-placed cars they're driving can't keep Brendon and Rachel from screaming at each other over parallel parking. At the Ford museum, each team finds a 0.02-Euro coin that depicts their destination, but Team Big Brother are still in full meltdown mode, overthinking the clue and then threatening to quit the race and each other (Annoying Habit #14).
Having completed the Fast Forward, Art and JJ win their second leg while the other teams proceed to the Detour: cleaning statues or tasting salamis. Most teams opt for washing statues, and end up knocking the heads off their statues with the power washers, at least temporarily. Despite a leg full of sniping at each other, Other Rachel and Dave finish the Detour and the leg in second place while Brendon and Rachel have their second meltdown of the day during the salami task. Joey "Fitness" and Danny are third, Vanessa and Ralph are fourth, and Nary and Jamie are fifth. Brendon and Rachel come in sixth and save their relationship. Again. Kerri and Stacy do the salami task faster than Brendon and Rachel did, and make it in as team number seven. Bopper and Mark are never able to catch up, and come in last. But they won't go home empty-handed, because Art and JJ generously split their ten-thousand-dollar prize with them. And because it's a non-elimination leg this week, they're not going home at all yet.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Phil welcomes us Asunción, the capital of Paraguay. "And on top of one of the city's seven hills," he tells us, "the famous stairs of Antiquera." Wow, that hill looks a lot bigger in the aerial shot than it did with the racers running up it last week, probably because they were already most of the way up. Of course, these allegedly famous steps are also the start of the fourth leg of the race. Border Patrol agents Art and JJ, having won the leg, get to leave first at 5:10 PM. Looks like a bright, sunny afternoon at the start of a leg for once. Art rips the clue and they seem pretty excited about getting to fly to Turin, Italy. Phil tells us that's a 6,000-mile flight to "Italy's motor city." The irony is that he says this over shots of exotic cars, but when they get there, they'll just have to pick one of the regular old Ford Foci waiting at the airport. Each team will drive one to the Lingotto building, an odd-looking structure topped by a glass dome and a huge round cantilevered helipad sticking out to it on one side, so it looks like a giant robot waiter buried to its armpits. That's where they'll find their clue. Art and JJ hop into a cab and head for the travel agency. "We really don't think that we should be anything but number one every leg," JJ boasts. "There's nobody that has the intellect and strength that we do to win." They're going to be one of those teams that goes down so hard. They arrive at a travel agency, where Art busts out some of his Spanish to ask about flights to Turin. The agent tells them in subtitled Spanish that the flight leaves at 9:15 in the morning and arrives in Turin at 10:35 the morning after that. Not counting the four-hour time difference, that's more than 21 hours of travel. What is this, Buddy Holly airlines? I can only assume there are one or more connecting flights along the way that we don't need to know about. The Border Patrol agents are bummed out, clearly having expected to hold onto their multi-hour lead into the leg. By the time they arrive at the airport, it's getting dark. "There's another team!" JJ cries out in alarm. "Where?" asks a shocked Art, but. JJ was just messing with him. Okay, that was a good one.
In fact, the second-place team, Brendon and Rachel, doesn't even leave the Pit Stop until 9:59 PM, nearly five hours after the Border Patrol did. In the cab to the travel agency, Brendon says that maybe the race can serve as a preview of their honeymoon. Normally I'd call out the dickishness of assuming that any post-wedding trip they might plan could compare to racing around the world, Big Brother prize money or no. But we'll be finding out later that his preview theory is probably truer than he realizes, just in a completely different way.
Joey "Fitness" and Danny are starting out the leg at 10:00 PM. Danny's glad to be leaving Paraguay, not knowing much about it other than that there are hot women there. But of course there are hot women in Italy, too, as he and Joey "Fitness" discuss in their cab. "I'm not picky," Danny says. Which is good, because his dates can't be either.
Bopper and Mark are starting the leg at 10:08, and Bopper's very excited about heading to Italy. "We is going somewhere tropiCALL!" he blares, as though they haven't been in South America for a week or more. Just as I'm getting into my customary state of annoyance with Bopper, he solo-interviews that his seven-year-old daughter is on seven different respiratory medications and thus for Bopper, the race is "the best opportunity I've ever had in my life to really better my child's health." Great, now I have to root for them.
Nary and Jamie, the federal agents who are racing undercover as teachers, leave at 10:09, and they pass Bopper and Mark's cab on the way to getting one of their own. "See y'all at the airport!" Mark calls out, but Team Undercover knows they have to go to the travel agency instead. Mark and Bopper seem to be too busy ogling some local hotties to actually read their clue. They will pay for this, not only when they get home and their wives see this, but later in the leg.
Other Rachel and Dave are leaving the Pit Stop at 10:10 PM, after their historic leg where they didn't complete a single task. Kerri and Stacy start out at 10:45 PM with some high-pitched squeals.
Brendon and Rachel arrive at a travel office, where Brendon boldly pulls up a chair so he can sit to the travel agent and co-pilot her computer, I guess. They learn about the same flight the Border Patrol agents will be taking, the one that lands in Turin at 10:35 AM two days hence. Team Jersey, Team Undercover, and Other Rachel and Dave arrive at the agency shortly thereafter and there's some discussion that Team Kentucky went ahead to the airport and thus might not get as good a flight. We then see that hapless team arriving at the airport, crowing about going to Italy, and finding the Border Patrol agents hanging at the food court. Art and JJ tell Bopper and Mark they need to go back to the travel agency, which Team Kentucky thought would be there at the airport. Probably as a result of the country-boy naïveté they're always congratulating themselves for. They head out, while Art and JJ sympathize. "They're both great guys," Art interviews. "I'm sure if they probably found themselves in a situation where they were able to reciprocate they probably would." Reciprocate what -- giving them the tip of sending them back to town to find a travel agent, which they would have figured out eventually on their own? I suppose that saved them some time. But as we'll see later that what Art is talking about right now probably isn't the minor favor they just did, but a major one coming up at the end of the leg. I'm not giving anything away, either. That would be Art and JJ.
Vanessa and Ralph are the eighth and last team to leave the Pit Stop, at 12:15 AM. That's seven hours behind the first-place team, two hours after another team that suffered a two-hour penalty and an hour and a half behind the team immediately ahead of them. And yet they beat the twins by seconds in the leg. The leg they ran yesterday must have been brutal. Indeed, Ralph says that leg was "kind of the worst day of our lives." And that's coming from people who have been through divorces.
At the travel agency, Kerri and Stacy are getting on the same flight as everyone else, but when Ralph and Vanessa arrive they're told that it's full. While their aged agent (the same one who helped Team Big Brother earlier) double-checks, the divorcees kill a few moments by looking across the room at Brendon and Rachel, the latter of whom is sporting a spangly green miniskirt over her pants tonight. "I get distracted by sparkly things," Vanessa says cattily. "Holy disco ball, Batman." Hey, at least this way you won't be able to see her entire ass. Bopper and Mark, coming back from the airport, find themselves at a different travel agency. So unbeknownst to them, they're in a race with Ralph and Vanessa to get the last set of seats on the 9:15 flight tomorrow, a race that Team Kentucky loses. But all they know right now is that they'll be arriving in Turin at 11:50 AM. Bopper's all excited again, so now they head back to the airport.
The morning, Bopper and Mark tell us that they're a lot calmer now that everyone's all back together at the airport. Or as calm as Bopper gets. But while teams are comparing seats, Joey "Fitness" looks at their boarding passes and discovers that Team Kentucky is leaving at 10:30, whereas everyone else is leaving at 9:15. After some prompting from the other teams, the confused Kentuckians head over to the Alitalia counter to try to get standby seats on the 9:15 flight, which is of course full and has been since Ralph and Vanessa nabbed the last seats the night before. Bopper and Mark then hurry back to the gate, where the other teams are already boarding. "Mamma mia," Danny says as they get on the plane. The jetway door is closed and Bopper and Mark learn that everybody showed up, so there are no seats for them. Thus the plane pushes away from the jetway and takes off, with the other seven teams inside it and Bopper and Mark emphatically not. "Just have to hope and pray that the good Lord sees fit for us, buddy," Bopper says philosophically as they sit alone at the gate. That's always worked before. We come back after the ads to se them still waiting, but eventually they board their later plane vowing to "Run 'er hard and think deeply." Or the other way around.
Italy looks lovely, of course, but even a fleet of shiny new Foci with their headlights on can't make short-term parking at the Turin airport seem glamorous. Soon, everyone is driving around the streets lost. Brendon cuts off several lanes of traffic trying to make a turn, and Rachel says, "Now I know why Italians hate Americans. We're idiots." Rachel's occasional flashes of self-awareness are probably her least annoying habit. Ralph is stymied by the traffic, with trains on the roads and the hairball intersections and Danny says he used to date an untrustworthy Italian girl, so they shouldn't trust any of the locals when it comes to directions. Before this can spark in international incident, Joey "Fitness" points out that he trusts his Italian girlfriend and Danny accepts that. CBS Cares. Nary and Jamie just comment on how pretty it all is. While driving, Other Rachel asks Dave for directions while he's in the back seat, but he can't see with her visor down and she can't see with it up. "We'll go with Dave's way," Rachel says, and Dave snaps at her not to be a wiseass. He's so pissy with her that she screeches to a halt in a parking lot and tells him to drive. "Wow, you are testy today," she observes once she's safely in the backseat. That does seem to be the case. Meanwhile, Kerri's having trouble just getting her and Stacy's car out of the damn garage (manual transmission woes again, looks like) and they switch places too, having lost track of everyone else ahead of them. I can't tell you how disappointed I am that this means they probably don't drive that tractor we saw in their introductory clip.
Art and JJ are the first team to reach the Lingotto building. Looking up at the multi-story building, JJ says, "Gonna be a fire climb," whatever that means. Brendon and Rachel are right behind them, and the inside of the place turns out to be a six-story atrium surrounded by a spiral ramp, like an oval Guggenheim Museum. It's also completely empty, so I have no idea what this building is normally used for or what its purpose was when it was erected during the Italian Renaissance. Team Jersey is also arriving and as Ralph and Vanessa pull up to them, Ralph jovially calls out his car window, "Give us a five-minute head start up the hill. I've got this one," as he jabs a thumb toward Vanessa in the back seat. "You're a dick," retorts "this one," smiling. "You're doing wonderful, angel," he assures her as they're getting out of the car. Nary and Jamie also arrive, and soon everyone here is looping up the ramp on foot, with Art and JJ in the lead near the top. They're the first to find the clue box up on the roof with the disk-shaped helipad looming over them in the background and discover that there's a Fast Forward. From that same roof, Phil reminds us that the FF allows a team to skip everything and go straight to the Pit Stop. He then exaggerates, "This Fast Forward requires teams to land a helicopter on a building." Isn't that dangerous? To, like, the entire city, considering some of the people involved? But no, it's just a small radio-controlled helicopter and the "building" a racer has to land it on is a model of this very structure that's affixed to a motorcycle helmet that their partner will have to wear on their head. Not knowing this last part yet, Art and JJ head right to that, so Brendon and Rachel realize that's not going to work for them. So now Phil explains the Roadblock, in which teams will have to rappel 120 feet down the middle of that spiral atrium. On the way down, they'll have to grab a clue that's suspended from another rope and then meet their partner at the bottom. The catch is that they have two minutes to reach the clue, or else they have to run up and start again. Not much of a catch, but it'll be enough for some racers.
Art and JJ proceed to the interior of the glass dome at the top of the building to do the Fast Forward. They think they're going to be landing an actual helicopter, so when they walk in and see the mini-choppers, controllers, and helmets with a model of the building on them, they react with predictable disgust and horror. They do seem to enjoy the race, aside from most of the actual tasks. And thus doing something that allows them to skip several is perfect for them. JJ dons the helmet and Art launches the helicopter while "Ride of the Valkyries" plays on the soundtrack, because it's a helicopter scene after all. "That's all you, you freaking monkey," JJ says. Art starts the task by crashing the helicopter into JJ's visor, just like a freaking monkey would.
Down in the atrium, Rachel's getting geared up for the Roadblock while Brendon runs down to wait for her on the ground floor. "I've rappelled before and it's really fun," she says. She's certainly been repelling me since 2010. Danny's looking forward to his first time. They both go over the railing and she's clearly having more fun than he is, as he seems to want to talk about his wedgie. Rachel snags the clue first and zooms on down, so she and Brendon are in first place -- but Danny and his wedgie are right behind. The clue they just retrieved is sending them to "Museo Nazionale dell'Automobile," which is one of those place names that Phil enunciates with maximum relish. They'll have to parallel park on the street by using (read: advertising) their product-placed car's auto-parking feature, then run inside the car museum and look for the 1916 Tin Lizzie, a Model T that's "A distant relative of the car they've been driving this leg." Which, presumably, did not have auto-parking capability. On the front seat of the old Ford is a collection of red-and-yellow ring boxes, like Ronald McDonald plans to propose to eight or nine women tonight. The two lead teams are off to the museum, while Joey "Fitness" says it may take the Border Patrol agents a while to finish the Fast Forward. JJ is indeed doing a slow burn inside his helmet while Art fails another attempt. And Kerri and Stacy are just lost in Turin, still looking for the Lingotto building. Sure, they're good at tasks (or at least Stacy is), but they need to get better at getting to tasks. Especially because Bopper and Mark have already landed in Turin. While Mark drives, they compare notes on how much Italian they know, which -- since Mark only knows the word "Italy" -- isn't much.
Other Rachel and Dave must have had a little trouble getting to the Lingotto building, because they're just now arriving in sixth place. Dave dismisses the very idea of the Fast Forward out of hand and nominates Rachel to take the Roadblock. But while they're heading inside, Dave points out that the Fast Forward means landing a helicopter, so it might be worth trying, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Rachel snaps. Dave argues, "Fast Forward is land a helicopter on a helipad. Hm. Being a helicopter pilot I could potentially be successful at that." Even when he's being sarcastic he's oddly formal in his speech patterns. It must be off-putting around the house. Other Rachel asks Dave where Art and JJ are (we see them now, still trying) and whether Dave's ever flown an RC helicopter before. She gleefully mocks Dave for thinking regular Amazing Racers might get to fly a real helicopter. Dave says it might just be some simpler version of that, "But if you want to continue to act as you are I'll meet you down there." So there.
Vanessa and Jamie go over the rail, but Vanessa is just inching down the rope, to the frustration of Ralph as he watches from below. She's only got two minutes, remember, and she's soon burned up half of it. With only a minute left, she's flailing around trying to grab the rope that the clue is hanging from and as Jamie draws level with her, they're both at a loss as to what to do . Dave is waiting down below talking about the frustration of a "marital personality conflict." "I hope she changes her demeanor. Otherwise this'll be an extremely long leg if not race." He sounds like a Dr. Phil episode being taped in the cockpit of Delta Flight 324. Other Rachel appears to be in a good mood up top, although she's seeing Vanessa and Jamie struggling below her. Indeed, they run out the clock. As Other Rachel goes down, she kicks off against the wall to start swinging, so as to avoid the mistake made by Vanessa and Jamie. That swing helps her reach the clue on the first try while Vanessa and Jamie are heading back up for a second try. Hopefully Other Rachel's success will help Dave change his demeanor.
Brendon and Rachel are pulling up to the museum, which has plenty of parking spots on the street out front. But not too many. In fact, it kind of looks like some hapless production assistant had to spend the morning making sure the curb was lined with cars with empty car-lengths between them. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that parking isn't even normally allowed there. Rachel tries to read the auto-park instructions to Brendon while he tries to park, and out of nowhere he screams, "OKAY, DAMMIT, JUST -- GRRRRR!" Rachel yells at him not to talk to her like that, as if it's news that boyfriend has some anger issues. So look how the Ford Focus can help relieve one of the biggest causes of relationship stress -- parallel parking! Thanks, Ford Focus!
Meanwhile, Joey "Fitness" and Danny are putting on a much more effective (and sponsor-friendly) demonstration of the feature, which I'm sure is a lot more like what Ford had in mind when they paid for this. That done, Team Jersey heads inside and to the upper floor seeing that the first floor seems to be filled with nothing but newer cars. Outside by the curb, Brendon and Rachel argue all the way through the parallel parking even though the car's doing it for them, and as soon as it's done, Rachel gets out and slams the door, saying she hates him. That makes all of us. He chases after her all the way to the front of the museum while she yells at him. "This isn't even worth a million dollars!" So Brendon goes to his standard fallback position of offering to quit right now, because Rachel's two choices are always to never be mad at Brendon or just pitch it all. Rachel calls his bluff, which he was so not prepared for. Shit, I was prepared for that, but he's not about to actually give up on the race over something as trivial as her getting mad at him for losing his shit at her. So all he can do is lamely say, "Stop yelling?" Welcome to the preview for their honeymoon, everyone.
Art crashes the helicopter again, to JJ's obvious frustration. Not that they are ever subtle about their frustration at everything. "You think you can do it in the thirty minutes?" JJ asks. "Eventually," Art says, which isn't exactly an answer.
Down in the atrium, Vanessa and Jamie are taking another crack at it, this time using Other Rachel's swinging technique to snag the clues and successfully. Nary lands first, so she and Jamie are in fourth place while Ralph and Vanessa end up in fifth. While getting helped out of her climbing gear, Vanessa says, "Oh that was my face. You know how much that nose cost?" Wah wah wah.
Up in the dome, JJ is now squatting so the much shorter Art doesn't have to get as much altitude with the helicopter and after getting JJ to straighten his head some more to create a level landing surface, Art finally makes a safe touchdown. Thus they've won the Fast Forward and a ticket straight to the Pit Stop, which is Piazza Castello. They leave just as Kerri and Stacy are arriving at the building. And Bopper and Mark are still searching the streets of Turin for what they're calling "the Guido building."
At the museum, Joey "Fitness" and Danny are searching for the Model T while Brendon and Rachel are still arguing, but at least they're inside the building now. Other Rachel and Dave are pulling up outside and Dave notices a crowd of Santa Clauses congregating near a bus in the street as they pass. "Oh, is that the Santa Claus pub crawl?" Vanessa asks, like that's a thing. Nary and Jamie also notice the Santas. What's the collective noun for a group of Santas, anyway? A sleigh? A lap? A furry? Vanessa makes a quip comparing the auto-parking to Knight Rider and Nary and Jamie also get themselves parked.
Back at the atrium, Stacy -- who, you recall, has a fear of heights -- is about to do the rappelling Roadblock. Down below, Kerri is regretting not doing this. But she watches from below as Stacy swings and gets the clue on the first try. As they get back in their car, Kerri asks her, "Are you trying to, like, cancel out your fear of heights by doing the heights one?" Stacy: "Uh-huh." I'm starting to think that if this team were Stacy and Stacy it would be doing a lot better.
Bopper and Mark are now reduced to asking for directions to the Lingotto building. Good thing they have the clue to show people, because they have no idea how to pronounce it. "They don't speak no English neither, my brother," Mark says. Much like themselves.
Rachel is the first to find the 1916 Tin Lizzie with the little ring boxes inside. Theirs turns out to contain a small copper coin that looks like a penny. It's actually a two-cent Euro, with one side showing a domed spire called the Mole Antonelliana, which, by a convenient coincidence, is right here in town. Phil tells us that teams will need to go there, ride the elevator to the tippy-top and find their clue. Rachel and Brendon are baffled by this and Brendon speculates that they need to put the coin in a slot somewhere to buy their clue, like it's going to come out of a vending machine. Cue Brendon in an interview, running down his degrees: "I have my BS in general physics, my master's in applied physics and I'm doing my PhD in biomedical physics." So he still hasn't figured out that every time he does that it just makes him seem stupider. But clearly the Amazing Editors have. Brendon and Rachel move on and then Joey "Fitness" and Danny find the car and grab a clue, then make themselves scarce before Other Rachel and Dave spot them. Vanessa and Ralph are the team to grab a clue from the car. "That's gotta be where we're going," Ralph says, in an excellent demonstration of not overthinking. Nary and Jamie get their ring boxes, and Rachel tells Brendon to check the year of issue. It's 2011, which tells them nothing, but then it's not actually possible to tell Brendon and Rachel anything.
Other Rachel is outside, asking one of the many local Santas on the sidewalk for directions to the building on her coin. He points her to the center of the city. Team Jersey are getting the same info. But when Other Rachel gets in the car with Dave and he pulls out, she protests that the Santas told her to go a different way. "Baby, as soon as I drive, it's logged in my mind," he condescends to her. Inside, Brendon and Rachel are realizing that despite being the first team at the museum, they appear to have been the last to leave (at least out of those teams who have gotten to the museum.
Dave drives into a tunnel, as he realizes out loud that this will make them circle back to where they just were. Rachel mildly says that's why they should follow directions. Dave snaps, "Do you want to be supportive or do you want to continue to be the way you've been this whole leg?" Because Dave's not being argumentative at all! Other Rachel says she'll be supportive when he follows the directions from people who live there. Not to mention people who visit all the homes of all the little Turinese boys and girls every year. But I see the issue here. It's not just that they're used to being apart. She's been running her life on her own for however long and he's used to an environment where he follows orders, and other people follow his. Now he comes home expecting to still be treated like a major, and when he isn't he acts like a major dickhead. The worst part, the really unforgivable part of Other Rachel's conduct today, is that she's right. "Just kill it, right now," he snaps, because it's not like he has an actual argument. Sure enough, they soon find themselves again passing the Santas whose directions Dave ignored. Rachel repeats her earlier point and Dave says he'll "keep my mouth shut before I say something I regret." No, we certainly wouldn't want that.
Brendon and Rachel are realizing they've been left behind, which makes Brendon think "they know something we don't." Nope, everyone had the same information. It's just that the other teams aren't all idiots. Brendon says he doesn't want to fight any more, so does she want to continue racing or quit right now? Brendon's Annoying Habit #2, right there. Quite correctly, Rachel asks why she would do that and accuses Brendon of saying that about everything (which is why it's number two on the list). "You're gonna say that about your PhD," she digs, which may or may not be true, but isn't really relevant as long as these two keep going on CBS reality shows for a living. She says they've hit a brick wall on the whole experience. "And our marriage," Rachel adds. Brendon asks if she really things that. Of course she does. "Maybe you shouldn't yell at me. And be mean to me." These two are like a couple of kindergartners who don't know any other method of conflict resolution other than escalating, so every dispute about whose turn it is to push the other on the swings ends with "I'm not going to be your friend any more!" Except the kindergartners eventually grow out of it.
Back from the ads, Rachel and Brendon are back to trying to figure out what to do race-wise, now that they've established that their relationship is in its usual status (i.e., the shitter). Brendon, thinking out loud, speculates that maybe everyone went to the building shown on the coin. "Maybe go to that building and stop embarrassing ourselves," Rachel says, like the second thing is even possible. Back in the car, Brendon asks her for input on how the thinks they ought to get there, and she pouts, "I don't know where the center is, Brendon. I don't live in Italy. Obviously." You know, like Brendon does. How could anyone ever lose their temper with such a charmer? Brendon pulls out, internally resolving to figure it out on his own. I'm certainly in favor of any strategy that leads to them talking to each other less.
Kerri and Stacy do their own Active Park commercial, complete with Kerri saying, "Gotta get me a Ford Focus!" The shadows are getting long as they head inside and I guess if you're this far behind, sucking up to the sponsor can't hurt.
Bopper and Mark have finally reached the Lingotto building and Bopper volunteers to take the Roadblock. Bopper goes over and starts working the lever of his rappelling thingy up and down, thinking it works like a ratchet. No, that's just for going up, but at least it shows that he's seen seasons. Eventually he figures it out and reaches the clue while Mark is still running down, telling him, "Come on, Driving Miss Daisy." Soon they're off to the museum, and then Bopper will try to drive Mark to the sto'.
Art and JJ are closing in on the Pit Stop. Art seems to think it's a theater, so it has to be a big building. I don't know much more Italian than Mark and Bopper do, but I suspect that a "Castello" has something to do with a castle. Indeed, it's a Soviet-sized square in front of a castle right in the middle of town. They grab their packs from the trunk and go running through the streets and across the crowded square to where Phil is standing with an unshaven greeter, who tells them, "Welcome to Torino, Italy!" Big hugs all around and Phil joins in with a round of Fonzie-like "Aayyyy!"s. They're team number one, and their prize is five thousand dollars each. After the leg, JJ says they want to win three in a row. "And I say that humbly, because trust me, the race is gnarly. And it takes you from the highs to the lows and it's rapid." I'm not sure I believe JJ when he says he's being humble, but at least if they keep winning legs this far ahead I don't have to watch them for the second half of the episode.
Nary shows Jamie the penny while she's driving and they can see the spire up ahead, some distance away but clearly visible over the other buildings. Vanessa and Ralph are also closing in, as are Joey "Fitness" and Danny, who are actually the first team to get there. Other Rachel and Dave show up , Dave telling her, "We need to remedy the situation." "Yeah, stop talking," Rachel agrees. "Let's just have that." That probably wasn't what Dave had in mind, which is probably more along the lines of he acts how he wants and she shuts up and takes it. Inside, Team Jersey is riding up a spectacular atrium in the glass elevator, chatting up the woman trapped in there with them, who is already looking exhausted with them. They ride all the way to the observation deck on top, and find a bundle of clues tied to a rail post. They quickly claim one, cueing Phil's explanation of the Detour. For "Clean That Statue," Phil is suddenly at Turin's version of Fountains of Wayne, where people in Tyvek suits are using pressure washers to clean the manky brown grime off of statues. Phil says this covers "the methods to maintain the city treasures," not that the racers are going to get anywhere near those. No, they'll just use pressure washers and scrub brushes to clean the identical statues of women in the yard of this warehouse. "Name That Salami," on the other hand, requires teams to go to "Gastronomia Salumeria," taste 14 different salamis cut up into cubes, then walk a half mile to a piazza where they'll have to identify the same salamis in unsliced form by taste in order to get their clue from the "salamiera." Because watching people taste things always makes for riveting television. Joey "Fitness" and Danny go for washing the statue, without even realizing she's going to be a hot chick.
Other Rachel and Dave have stopped bickering long enough to enjoy the elevator ride up. "This race truly does present some amazing opportunities," Dave nerds. But then he's back at it again as soon as they find the clue and Other Rachel doesn't get it open fast enough for Dave. They're also choosing to do the statues. As Dave puts it, "We deferred on the salami because that was just too much meat for us to handle." Nary and Jamie drive up to the building and get out squeeing, and when Ralph and Vanessa arrive, he shows off the parking feature again just for good measure. "You are such a damn weirdo," Vanessa teases him, adding, "Are we in a race? I'm sorry, I was playing with my park assist!" Great message! Buy a Ford Focus! Be late for everything!
Nary and Jamie ride up into the dome and get a clue from the observation deck, and choose to do the statue. Brendon is driving Rachel and says he doesn't like giving up but he doesn't like fighting either (two things we've seen him do more of than anything else in the past two years). But he's not actually talking to her anymore -- he's talking to us, which raises it to a whole new level of creepy. He passive-aggressively tells the camera, "So if she decides that she doesn't want to be with me because of this experience then I guess that'd what's gonna happen." He seems real broken up about it too. But then, who could blame him? Rachel starts crying at this cold, cold shit he's serving up and says she "wanted to go on a trip around the world with my best friend. I thought it would be fun!" They park and she runs toward the building. She's both hurrying to the clue and fleeing him dramatically. Might as well multitask.
Ralph and Vanessa open the Detour clue and want nothing to do with the salami task. "I haven't eaten that much salami since high school," Vanessa deadpans, cracking both of them up and also me. They encounter Rachel and Brendon as the latter team gets off the elevator and are happy that "the green team is behind us now." Rachel and Brendon remind us how much they hate "the ogre and the triflin' ho," whatever a "triflin' ho" is. "They're rude, they're disgusting people." Which Brendon can tell by how they don't like Brendon and Rachel. Dead giveaway every time. Back in their car, Vanessa says, "I bet the green team eats the salami." Funny the first time, Vanessa. But indeed, that's what Brendon and Rachel are doing. They get directions for the two-minute walk to the deli, but before proceeding Brendon asks if they can call a truce. "Let's just go," Rachel says. So that's a no, then.
Team Jersey, Other Rachel and Dave, and Team Undercover are driving around in search of the statue yard with no idea where they're going. The same goes for Vanessa and Ralph, but Vanessa points out that the salami task is on a street they were just on.
Team Big Brother finds the salami shop, where they sample some 'Nduja and some Cotto and display their ignorance of salami. But it was still probably worth taking this option so they didn't have to drive anywhere else together.
At the car museum, Kerri and Stacy have apparently been searching fro a while before they find the Model T. They're still in seventh place. Bopper and Mark pull up outside and spot the team they charmingly refer to as the "Badonkydonk girls." They're spotted by them as well. Team Kentucky hurries into the museum, motivated to catch up to some badonkydonks.
Other Rachel and Dave reach the statue yard. Taking a look at the Tyvek suits they'll have to put on, Other Rachel says, "Woo, sexy time!" as they start suiting up. Vanessa and Ralph park outside (the old-fashioned way this time) as Other Rachel starts wielding the pressure washer. Dave tells her to use finesse, and indeed, with her first blast of the hose, Rachel almost knocks the head clean off the statue (which, to be fair, is just resting precariously on the neck for some reason). Dave takes the wand away from her and starts going up and down the full length of it. "I almost shot her head off!" Other Rachel laughs. Yeah, she's the one in the bad mood. Vanessa and Ralph are ready to get started as Team Jersey arrives outside, but then Ralph does knock the head off his. "You are too strong," the shop owner kids him. Vanessa picks the head up out of the mud and starts scrubbing. Joey "Fitness" and Danny are at work, making gross comments about dirty girls. Other Rachel and Dave do some washing and bickering and Other Rachel tells Dave that bitching is his favorite thing in the world to do. Nary beheads her statue immediately. "Yep. Yeah, that happens," Vanessa calls over knowingly. The shop owner teases, "It's very old statue!" That's funny, but I bet that to his coworkers, it's very old joke.
Having sampled all the salami, Brendon and Rachel head out of the shop to the piazza a half mile away where they're supposed to identify them again by flavor. After finding the salami stand staffed by two women, they get the first couple right. Those are the most distinctive ones in terms of color, but soon they get one wrong and have to go back to the salami shop. Maybe these salamis would be more distinctive if Brendon had a cell phone to take pictures of them.
Kerri and Stacy get their clue from the stop of the spire and decide to do the salami task. Meanwhile, at the museum, Bopper and Mark are happy to finally find the clue in the Model T. Across town at the statue yard, the sun is going down as teams continue washing. Other Rachel and Dave are the first team to finish, and their statue looks shiny and white and as brand-new as it no doubt is. They get their clue, currently in second place, which is sending them to the Pit Stop. We're reminded that this is the Piazza Castello. "The last team to check in here," Phil warns from the middle for the busy square, "May be eliminated." Vanessa, Ralph, Nary, and Jamie seem sorry to see Other Rachel and Dave go. They were so much fun to be around.
Brendon and Rachel make another trip back to the salami stand. "They're starting to all look the same," Rachel says, which is probably something she finds herself saying in her job as an "event hostess" all the time. She interviews that there were six that were really similar. They guess wrong again, so they're going back.
The double-entendres are flying at the statue yard. "We're double-teaming this girl," Joey "Fitness" says. "I think we're done polishing the head," Vanessa says, adding that it was kind of unsatisfying. Jamie says they're prepping their statue for a toga party. Before this can get too R-rated, Joey "Fitness" and Danny get a check and are done in third place, with Vanessa and Ralph finishing in fourth. Nary and Jamie: still there.
Other Rachel and Dave arrive at the mat in second place and seem pretty happy about it. But afterwards, Dave interviews, "This leg was a complete and utter failure from my vantage point. Our communication was lacking and Rachel and I can only improve from this point forward." Which is odd, because that's almost exactly what he said last week.
Kerri and Stacy head into the salami shop and tell the guys behind the counter, "We need to taste your salami." Awkward smiles all around. They're still there when Brendon and Rachel return for yet another attempt. Team Big Brother still needs Toscano, Barolo, Mandola, and Felino. Rachel suggests going back and continuing to guess, until they get it right, but on their way out of the store, she commences one of her spontaneous trademark freak-outs and bitches that she can't do it any more. Soon he's leading her by the hand while she has yet another meltdown, stepping off the curb and getting honked at. "I might purposely jump in font of a car," she drama-queens. You don't want one of these little Euro jobs, then, you want a lorry or something. Back at the salami stand, she's about three tastes in before she's crying again, saying, "Amazing Race is supposed to be fun and good. I'm not on Big Brother again." No, if she were on Big Brother she'd be eating something else with the salami that also starts with S. Brendon says they're done then. "We're out of The Amazing Race." Yay! Best news yet!
Rachel spends the whole break crying, but when we come back, Brendon asks her what happens when best friends fight. "They make up," Rachel sobs. I don't know why she's crying -- the ones I feel bad for are the poor salami vendors who have to stand there and witness this nonsense.
Bopper and Mark get a better view from the top of the spire than any of the other teams did, with the lavender evening sky over Turin. The bad news is that this also means it's getting late and they're still in last place. Jamie balances her and Nary's statue's shiny white head back onto the neck saying, "Josephine's ready for her toga party." They get their Pit Stop clue in fifth place. Joey "Fitness" and Danny make it to the mat and ask Phil how he's doin'." "I'm doin' all right," Phil New Yawks, and checks them in as team number three. Rachel is trying to taste salami through her tears, saying, "It sucks that all the people that hate us and have been making fun of us are gonna win." Well, not all of them, but Vanessa and Ralph are team number four, at least.
It's now getting really dark at the plaza, but Brendon and Rachel's mood has lightened considerably, which can only mean things are going better for them now. Sure enough, they finally finish guessing all the salamis and get their clue in sixth place, just before Nary and Jamie jump onto the mat in fifth place. Kerri and Stacy are seen completing the salami task on what looks like the first try, and then Brendon and Rachel finish the leg officially in sixth, with Rachel braying to Phil and the greeter, "DiGiorno!" Oh, good god. Phil tells them they're team number six. After the leg, Rachel interviews, "Sometimes we act more like frenemies than best friends. Brendon teases, "Even when she doesn't want to marry me, she really does and that's just her trying to get back at me for being mean to her, so neither one of us should be yelling at the other." Fuck both of them. We all know they'll never break up because nobody else can stand either of them, so they can look forward to a long, happy life together of making everyone around them miserable.
Bopper and Mark are making good progress on cleaning their statue under the floodlights, not that I can understand anything they're saying. Mark says this is the most fun they've had on the race and gives Bopper a quick blast with the pressure washer. As the waggish owner hands Bopper their clue, he asks if they're engaged. Instead of some backwoods homophobia, Bopper just cracks, "You think I'd engage something that ugly?" Back to their car to get their asses to the Pit Stop.
But Kerri and Stacy get their before them, and Phil grimly tells them they're team number seven. That circle they're tracing around the drain is getting narrower. On the way to the Pit Stop, Mark says it sucks to come in last, but he feels good about what they accomplished. By which he seems to mean being in Italy. They haul their backpacks out of the trunk and run to the mat, where Phil tells them, "Bopper and Mark, you know the news is not good. I'm sorry to tell you that you're the last team to arrive." Bopper looks particularly disappointed, even as Phil tells him his daughter would be proud of him. Bopper says he hopes so and talks about his friendship with Mark, with whom he shakes hands as he gets choked up.
Now here's something unexpected: Phil calls over Art and JJ, who apparently have been waiting for their arrival and who I thought I wouldn't have to see again until week. In an interview, JJ reminds us that he and Art won $5000 each for coming in first this leg and on the mat, JJ tells an emotional Bopper that they're going to split the money with him for his daughter. Bopper says they don't have to, but the Border Patrol guys want to. "You're a good man and you're working hard for your daughter," JJ insists. "We're friends for life." Shit, now I can't hate either of these teams. Fuckers. Art and JJ both shake Bopper's hand and embrace him while Phil watches with an oddly severe expression on his face, like, "Check that shit out." Bopper remains emotional, talking about what this means to him. Phil says he has something else to add -- you'll notice that he hasn't Philiminated anyone yet, and sure enough this is a non-elimination leg. More tears from Bopper and Art and JJ smile, happy for them and completely unsurprised. So clearly they weren't just sharing their windfall as a consolation prize, either. Bopper says they can compete with the other teams, but, "Everybody's got their weak spot. And today was our weak spot." I wish my only weak spot was Paraguayan chicks in shorts. Mark says they're in to win, "And they better have their game face on." Now that the mood at the mat is a little happier, Phil warns the Border Patrol agents to be careful. "You handed over some money and now you gotta race against them." Bopper assures Phil that they know he'll return the favor. Just probably not in a footrace to the mat.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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