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The Cowboys fly solo again, but this time it's to minimize flight connections to Vienna, Austria. Which doesn't really pay off. Once there, they have to drive car commercials to get their clue sending them to Schloss Schallaberg, and thence to the National Library. Then a Detour requires them to either schlep a couch from Freud's house to the University of Vienna or eat a meal during a rotation of a giant Ferris wheel. Both Jen/Kisha, Zev/Justin, and Gary/Mallory try and fail the eating task, meaning everyone ends up carrying the couch sooner or later. Jet and Cord catch up, and then everyone drives to Salzburg to sweep chimneys. After this ridiculously easy Road Block, it's a race to the home of the Von Trapps, where Zev and Justin each win their own Ford Focus, which has got to make Gary and Mallory feel pretty stupid about winning that tea-commercial leg instead of this one. Kent and Vyxsin not only survive a leg of bickering, they score their best ranking yet by finishing in third place. And Gary and Mallory, after a lackluster leg, come in last, only to find that it's a non-elimination leg, and they might not come in sixth for their second Amazing Race in a row after all.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Huh, not one but two Ford Focus commercials between the credits and the beginning of the show. Think that's some kind of mistake? When the show begins, Phil reminds us, "This is the holy city of Varanasi, the religious center of India since its birth more than three thousand years ago." Although the seventh Pit Stop, Ramnagar Fort, was only built in the eighteenth century. Flight Time and Big Easy, after winning the leg, will be leaving at 2:07 AM, which is just mean. Flight Time reads from the clue that they're flying to Vienna, Austria. Phil doesn't say how far that is, but he does mention that it's more than 40 degrees colder there. He doesn't say if that's Fahrenheit or Celsius, but then -40 is the same either way. Upon landing, they'll "choose a brand-new, 2012 Ford Focus and get their clue." Which looks to involve backing over some letters on the floor of the parking ramp and right into a camera. As the Globetrotters get into a cab, Big Easy says he likes Austria: "That's where The Terminator's from." Flight Time does a pretty decent Arnold impression in the cab to the travel agency. "I'll be back. But not to India, hopefully." Just think how many Sarah Connors there must be in that phone book.
Zev and Justin are leaving in second place, at 2:12 AM. Zev must be the only person in India wearing an Elmer Fudd hat. It turns out that the clue specifies certain travel agencies for them to go to in order to book their tickets, probably because the production has arranged for them to be fully staffed overnight. The Globetrotters have already arrived at one of these to request the fastest possible flight to Vienna. Zev and Justin arrive minutes later and ask a different agent, "Same as them, but faster." The agent gets right on that.
Kisha and Jen are leaving at 2:53 AM, in third place. Jen talks about how much she enjoys running the race with her sister, and how they've been close since their childhood of being raised by a single mom. "I can't get rid of her, per se," Jen interviews. Awwww!
Gary and Mallory's leg begins at 3:30 AM, and she wonders if Vienna's cold. Gary says yes. Mallory: "Rats!" They're already wearing jackets against the night chill even here in India. Mallory mentions in a pre-leg interview that this is the eighth leg, the same leg that cost them the race last time. Flashback to one brief moment of their long, long sojourn in Oman. Mallory adds that "the Finish Line is fresh in our mind and we'd like to be the ones runnin' instead of the ones on the sidelines clappin'." Like she isn't usually clappin' and runnin' at the same time either way.
Jet and Cord take off at 3:35 AM, in fifth place, and do that "See you there" thing that is becoming their hallmark. Cord whistles and whoops for a cab. On the ride to the travel agency, Jet talks about how they can't keep dodging bullets like they did in the last leg. "The closer we get to the end, there's room for fewer and fewer mistakes," he says, which is something I've been saying for years. He adds that they're ready to leave India. "We're done playing Cowboys and Indians." The fail-gong isn't about to let that one pass.
Kisha and Jen show up at the other travel agency, then we see Kent and Vyxsin leaving at 3:44 AM, in sixth and last place. Vyxsin mentions that they're the only dating couple left. Which has been the case since the first elimination six legs ago, but never mind. She goes on to say that "a romantic relationship is a little bit different. You can just get to a point where you're just sort of like, get away from me!" And that's different from the other relationships how? Aside from how bothered Kent looks by this line of discussion?
While trying to secure passage to Vienna, The Globetrotters are learning about a possible route whereby they'll connect from Varanasi through Delhi and get to Vienna at 6:00 the morning. Big Easy asks for something that arrives earlier, and they learn that if they add a Mumbai stop, they can somehow save 25 minutes and land at 5:35. The Globetrotters go with that, as do Zev and Justin. At the other travel agency, Jen and Kisha are taking the same deal, as do Gary and Mallory when they arrive. "They want to get in very, very late," Kisha jokes to the agent. Mallory doesn't seem as amused by that as you'd think, or as amused by it as she is by everything else.
The Cowboys arrive at the first travel agency and learn about both itineraries. They decide to play it safe and go for the flight with the 6:00 arrival time rather than run the risk of missing one of those two transfers en route. Seems reasonable, especially because a 25-minute lag isn't all that hard for those two to overcome.
Meanwhile, Kent and Vyxsin seem to be having some trouble actually getting themselves into the travel agency due to Kent's bumbling in the dark, but eventually they make it inside. Once that's accomplished, they get the same tickets as all the non-Cowboys teams, although with quite a bit more bickering. "I'll step on your face, I don't care," Kent says. "I'll kick you in the head," Vyxsin says, equally matter-of-factly. While everyone else is rather amused by this Hepburn-Tracy, Vyxsin says they should go ahead and get it done instead of bickering in front of everyone else. "It's really tacky," says Vyxsin, the expert on tacky.
The sun rises, and five teams board the Lufthansa flight in the morning, with Cord describing him and Jet as "lone rangers again." They figure it's safer, "but when you're all alone, it's either you're gonna win big or lose big." "Either way, we go big," Jet agrees as their Kingfisher flight takes off. Then there's an Amazing Green Line (the one that jinks down to Mumbai) and an Amazing Red Line (the one that goes straight through Delhi) zooming across Southern Asia and Europe all the way to Vienna. Some quick B-roll of architecture and trolleys assures us that yes, we're back in the West, and that first flight lands at 5:35 AM, right on schedule. Teams run through the terminal and then to a parking ramp, where the only cars parked there are seven Ford Foci. Kent and Vyxsin are the first to find them, with clues under the windshield wipers telling them to "Get in and Phil will tell you what you need to know." But how, when Phil's not there? Can we hope that he'll pop up from behind the seat and scare the crap out of them? When they hop into the white one, with Kent behind the wheel, they find Phil speaking to them from a dashboard video screen. Do all 2012 Ford Foci come with Phil as standard equipment? He talks to them about the super-cool-and-not-at-all-product-placed screen system that will help them get their clue. To find out where they have to go, they just need to put the car into reverse. That'll activate the "back-up camera," which they will be able to use to read the letters laid out on the floor behind each car. Not for nothing, Phil adds that the winners of this leg will win a pair of Foci for themselves. Kent backs up the car, over the word "Schloss" and then the letters S-C-H-A..." Good thing the dashboard screen doesn't have Google autocomplete or else they'd be tearing off for the Schloss Schauenstein restaurant in Switzerland by now.
Before the Goths finish with this arduous and challenging task, Zev and Justin arrive at the cars in second place. We get to see Phil plug the car yet again, and then Jen and Kisha arrive and join in. Gary and Mallory arrive in fourth, and the Globetrotters in fifth (presumably the Cowboys are still in the air). Vyxsin is up to S-C-H-A-L when she snaps at Kent to slow down, loud enough for the editors to throw in a cartoon camera-shake and brake-screech. Zev and Justin are doing this a bit more smoothly. Gary and Big Easy are each watching the video message from Phil, but only Big Easy is backing up. Zev and Justin seem to get the second word, "SCHALLABURG," first. That triggers Phil telling us -- on our TVs, not on a dashboard screen -- that they have to get to that castle to find their clue. Zev and Justin head out, leaving the other teams behind, but Kent and Vyxsin are following closely. "I love this Ford Focus," Kent sucks up to the sponsors. Jen and Kisha also have their clue. "Told you we about to win a car," Jen says, as if they've ever won a leg ever. Gary, however, is getting hung up on the car's navigation menu, randomly pressing touch-screen buttons. The Globetrotters take off, leaving Gary and Mallory behind. They're almost as upset as the people at Ford who came up with the idea of making people's progress in the race dependent on their understanding of some new feature.
Lucky for the Cowboys, their flight also lands on time, at least according to the subtitle that says the second flight is landing at 6:00 AM. They make it to the parking ramp while Gary and Mallory are still trying to figure out the intuitive, user-friendly interface. "Bad start," Gary pronounces. Bad! No biscuit for you, start!
But then after the commercial break (and back in this commercial), they get Phil's message on the screen again, and he says, "If you don't get it on your first attempt, drive forward to your starting position, put the car in reverse, and you'll automatically activate the back-up camera again." Gary realizes their mistake and backs over the clue. "Bad start," he repeats as they finally get out of the parking ramp. Meanwhile, a room full of Ford executives tries to calculate exactly how many car sales Gary and Mallory's dimness just cost them. Also, does that dashboard screen include GPS? I would have like to be a fly on the wall when they debated letting the re-racers use it while driving.
The Cowboys can't be far behind when they show up. They get through their clue quickly, but are far from complacent. "We can't make any mistakes," Jet says from the driver's seat. It's probably a mistake to say that out loud.
On the road, Justin says they'll need to stop for a map or directions. They pull into a BP station and get directions, as do the Goths and the sisters. The Globetrotters get directions from a hotel instead, but Gary and Mallory hit that same BP station, which must get a lot of business based on its location. "We're on our way to the cawstle," Mallory sings one they're back on the road. Jet and Cord also stop at BP, but they ask a truck driver outside rather than bothering to go in. Shaving seconds off already!
It must be an uneventful trip, because thing we know, Team Asperger's is arriving at a sign pointing them to the castle. "I don't like the cold weather," Zev informs us from between his furry earflaps. So he needs someplace both warm and not crowded, then. After parking the car, they have to park and run uphill for some distance, prompting Zev to remark, "I feel like Rocky." From the inside, maybe. Eventually they make it to a courtyard where fires are burning, and there's a figure on a distant balcony gesturing them upward. It's a chick in a conical hat, to a table stacked with big books. She opens one for Justin, and through the cloud of dust that emerges he reads an inscription that says "Librarian Prunksaal Österreichische National Bibliothek Wien." Well, sure. They take the book and run back to their car, figuring this means they have to get to a library in Vienna. They arrive back at their car to leave just as the other teams are showing up. "We didn't have to do much there," Justin tells us, like we hadn't noticed, and like that's not going to be a theme this leg. "We just had to grab a big book from chick from Harry Potter." How meta.
It's starting to get light outside as Kent and Vyxsin are the to find the courtyard, which Kent pronounces "special." As for Kent's reaction to his first sight of Chick From Harry Potter from a distance, he excitedly says, "Look, there's a special man! Let's go visit him! He looks nice!" Not that he's the first Amazing Racer to misidentify the gender of someone he meets on the race. Jen and Kisha have caught up to the Goths by the time they reach "him" and get their books, and have outright passed them by the time they get back to their cars and take off. It's almost fully light when the Globetrotters arrive and get their clue. Gary and Mallory (who is "really excited to see a castle") see them when they come down the hill. Gary and Mallory get their clue, still in fifth place. Then Jet and Cord arrive and get their clue, still in last place and still knowing it. In the car on the way back to Vienna, Cord says they've been making a habit of starting in last. "You can't survive and win the million dollars," he warns them both.
Kent and Vyxsin are having some communication difficulties, as he misses a turn. "I just need to you to quit acting like a chick and maybe just go like into problem-solving mode and not, like, emotional, mean, blaming mode, okay?" What do you even say to something like that, which is almost perfectly calculated to make you feel mean, emotional, and blaming? Chicks, man.
Back in Vienna, Zev and Justin are arriving at the library, which is quite an impressive edifice, possibly even bigger than the castle. They run inside. After we see Jen and Kisha arriving outside, we get a look at the interior of the place, which is like the Beauty and the Beast library on steroids. I'm not sure the library is even open this early in the morning, but Zev and Justin find a dude who's wearing a book-rack strapped to his back and show him the clue in the front of their book. From the stacks, he pulls a clue envelope and hands it over. Zev and Justin are in first place as they open the Detour clue presenting the choice of "A Long, Hard Walk" or "A Quick and Easy Meal." Well, I know which one I'd go with based on the name, at least.
Now here's Phil, telling us, "The people of Vienna have made countless contributions to almost every aspect of European culture." Including rap? I kid, because VNA's debut jam was seminal. Now Phil says the teams will experience "two things Vienna is famous for." Well, some of them will. For "Long, Hard Walk," they'll go to the Freud Museum, which used to be the home and office of the father of modern psychology. Then they'll carry an analyst's couch a mile to the University of Vienna, where Freud was apparently both a student and lecturer, although at different times. For "Quick & Easy Meal," they go to the Wiener Riesenrad, the giant Ferris wheel from The Third Man. Phil doesn't mention that it was also in The Living Daylights, even though we know the race can't resist a good James Bond location. Once there, they'll go to the cafeteria to get two "local meals" -- a big plate of fried wiener schnitzel and a thick wedge of chocolate cake for each of them -- carry them to one of the Ferris wheel's "dining cars," and endeavor to eat the entire thing during one revolution, which is a mere twelve minutes, to get their clue. Zev and Justin decide to eat. They meet Jen and Kisha coming out, and the sisters make the same call, Kisha overriding Jen's concerns over the size of the meal. "We got twelve minutes to eat," she insists, as though twelve minutes is enough time to eat anything.
Kent and Vyxsin are arriving at the library, with the Globetrotters right behind them. Gary and Mallory are behind them, but they actually get their clue in third place as a result of not getting lost inside the building. Gary wants to go the eating route, offering to eat both his own food and half of Mallory's. Meanwhile, the Goths and the Globetrotters have gone into the wrong part of the building and have to get directions from an information desk. Kent finds the name of the place they're looking for on an information board and gets pretty shrill with Vyxsin while demanding she come over and look at it. More shrill than usual, I mean.
Meanwhile, Team Asperger's and the sisters are on the train to the Ferris wheel. "Bet that'll be the biggest wiener I'll ever eat," Jen says. I'm actually kind of insulted, on a professional level, at being given such an easy line. I'm just going to leave it sitting there, is how insulted I am.
The Globetrotters are the fourth team to get the clue from the librarian, but they're the first to decide to move the couch. It's just a matter of finding it, after a quick bathroom break, and that's how we see the Goths running past the Globetrotters while Flight Time pees on a corner of the building. Great moments in international cultural exchange. The former team gets their clue in fourth, and decide on the couch. I'm a little surprised that they opt for such a physically demanding task, but on second thought, they don't exactly look like championship eaters, either.
Kisha and Jen are the first team to get off the train at the Ferris wheel, pick up their food at the cafeteria, and head over to the ride with their plates. Kisha says something about wanting some ketchup. What is it with racers and ketchup? Every time they have to eat something large or unfamiliar or gross they go right to the ketchup. It's like they've never even heard of ranch dressing. They settle down at a table in one of the cars and, with a violinist sawing away over their shoulders, tuck in as soon as the door closes and the clock in the upper right corner of the screen counts down the seconds from 12:00. Zev and Justin also get their food, and sound a little nervous. "That's a lot of schnitzel, dude," Justin says, and warns, "If we don't do this we're gonna have a mile hike with a couch with all this food in our belly. There's no try, there's only do right now." They get on and start eating. No try, only do? Maybe if the eating thing doesn't work out they can move the couch by using the Force.
Gary and Mallory are en route to the eating task, while the Globetrotters are jogging to the Freud Museum and talking strategy. "I don't want to take a chance eating that food and then throwing up," Flight Time says. Over at the Ferris wheel, a shot of the wheel with the cars containing racers highlighted and captioned shows that Jen and Kisha are almost to the top. Or, in other words, halfway done with the ride. Inside the car, their clock counts down from six minutes and change while they hack away at their food. Two cars behind them, Zev and Justin are already regretting their choice. Pretty much the only good thing that's coming out of this for them is a lot of belches.
Kent and Vyxsin get on the bus to the Freud museum. And Kisha and Jen's last five seconds tick away, leaving them with a significant amount of food on both their plates when a buzzer goes off and the door opens. "We have to eat all this over again?" Jen asks. Yeah, this doesn't seem like the kind of task you try a second time. As the waiter dumps their remaining food in the trash, they head off to the Freud Museum. They may be behind, but at least they had a big brunch to keep them going. They meet Gary and Mallory arriving and tell them, "Ya'll will be all right." Which isn't lying, exactly.
Jet and Cord are still trying to get to the library. Zev and Justin's ride is almost over, and when Justin drops his fork in defeat, Zev cheers him, "Come on, you fat pig!" Which I'm sure makes Justin feel like Rocky. They decide to spend the last seconds of their ride packing up to leave instead of trying to finish eating, although Zev takes the time to drop a quip: "I want to talk to the manager." As they head out through the gift shop, they agree to pretend they completed the task if they run into anyone else, and since everyone's running into everyone this leg, they soon have a chance to tell Gary and Mallory at the entrance to the cafeteria that the food was delicious. "We didn't lie, it was pretty good, "Justin interviews. Gary and Mallory get on and get eating, and she's determined to finish beyond reasons having to do with the race: "I am not taking these calories for nothing."
Flight Time and Big Easy have found the museum with a big sign reading FREUD out front. The sign is red and vertical, thrusting ardently at the sky, but we probably shouldn't read too much into that. Once inside, they find the room with six couches waiting, and Flight Time clearly doesn't know the history of psychology as well as, say, Tom Cruise does. "I don't know nothing about the couch," he interviews. "I guess he just enjoyed couches and relaxing on couches. Maybe he was doing his philosophical thing laying on the couch and having his weird Freudian slips and things like that." Okay, so obviously Flight Time is more of a Skinnerian behaviorist. The Globetrotters each take an end of a couch, complete with pillows and a big rug and some little four-wheeled platform thingy that looks really uncomfortable to lie on, and head down the stairs. Kent and Vyxsin arrive in time to see them exiting the building and setting the couch down endwise on that little wheeled platform, which makes a big difference if you ask me. The Detour clue probably left out the two facts that are vital to making the right choice, namely that in this one you get a dolly and in the other one the amount of food you have to eat is a metric fuck-ton. The Globetrotters are soon on their way, and the Goths are heading down the stairs with their couch as well. Jen and Kisha see them leaving. "I'm gonna go as fast as I can while I've got the strength," Kent says, and then disappoints me by not immediately collapsing. Going down the stairs, Jen threatens, "I have food in my stomach, I might barf on this couch." And just think of what Freud would have to say about that.
Gary and Mallory's car is at about two o-clock, which means they're roughly but two-thirds done. Sure enough, their onscreen clock reads just over four minutes as Mallory looks at the large, multiple slabs of fried meat still on both their plates. I'm starting to think the only way to complete this task on time would have been to bring a dog.
Jet and Cord arrive at the library, and despite still being in last place, they aren't in too much of a hurry to admire the interior of the place before collecting their clue. They agree to do the couch, which is good, because the last thing they need is to have to attempt both Detour options.
Mallory uses the final seconds of her ride with Gary to spear a bunch of giant meat-hunks with her fork and then dump them on Gary's nearly-empty plate. Obviously that's not going to cut it, so they get the same buzzer as the first two teams to attempt this. And that's enough to earn them a commercial break.
Back from some more Ford Focus commercials, Mallory still isn't ready to give up. She apologizes, but Gary takes the blame, saying, "I should have listened to you, Mallory." "I can throw up and try it again," she offers, which is probably the most beauty-queen thing I've ever heard her say, but Gary isn't going to let that happen. Father of the year. You don't want that weighing on your psyche when you go into the Freud Museum anyway.
Jet and Cord are jogging there now, Cord narrating that they knew they were last. And boarding the train, Gary drops a little race science on us: "Whenever you gotta do both sides of a Detour, that's bad. You really let people catch up." Good thing Mallory has a race expert along with her.
The Globetrotters are at the bottom of a steep, narrow street where the little dolly is pretty much useless, so Big Easy heaves the whole couch up onto his head. Yikes. When Kent and Vyxsin get to the same point, Kent can't even lift his end, let alone the whole thing, so he and Vyxsin switch places, I guess because the front is harder. Kisha is worried about their rug dragging on the street. "It did not say anything about keeping it clean," Jen points out. Maybe she threw up on it after all. Zev and Justin are still burping when they reach the Freud Museum and load up their couch. The Globetrotters are now wheeling their couch through lanes of busy traffic. You'd think that if any city in the world would have couch lanes it would be Vienna, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Kent and Vyxsin are walking along the sidewalk when Kent suddenly starts wailing, "It's gonna faaaall! It's gonna faaaall!" Vyxsin just drops her end hard and makes him switch ends again, and tells him to quit whining. Jen and Kisha's dolly is getting hung up on chunks of sidewalk salt, so they switch to carrying it side by side. Zev and Justin are making the same decision on a different corner when they spot the Cowboys. "They're gonna pass us," Justin frets. "No they're not," Zev insists. But the Cowboys have gotten a morale boost just from seeing another team for the first time on this continent, even though they don't have their couch yet. But they find the museum quickly enough and grab their couch, so maybe Zev and Justin are in trouble after all.
The Globetrotters are wheeling their couch up a steep ramp to the entrance of the University. After a guy at the front gives them directions, we see Flight Time experiencing a Freudian slip of his own, falling on his ass backing up some steps and dropping his end of the couch in his lap. He's okay, though. That would have broken Kent in two, and that's just the psychological damage. But eventually they find their way to a big, empty classroom where a large fellow hands them their clue. "Drive yourselves to the city of Salzburg," Flight Time reads. That's a pretty significant distance; about 200 miles, according to Google Maps. Phil specifies that they need to find "the heart of old town Salzburg" and a specific restaurant to get their clue. But first they have to get back to their car, which I guess they left at the library. Big Easy hopes to "make up time," even though they're in first. In the car, they talk about how not fun that was, and Big Easy wonders about Freud. Flight Time gives him a quick education on "dreams about sleeping with his momma and all that kinda crap stuff." Sounds like he could have delivered a lecture as well as the couch at the University.
Kent is still whining his end of the Goth-couch across Vienna. Jen is also complaining, although she at least is trying to keep it interesting. Justin is moving his and Zev's couch more or less by himself, dragging the rug under one of the dolly's wheels while Zev just carries pillows and the map. The Cowboys circumnavigate a line of people waiting to get into a club, and Jet interviews, "I kept thinking it might be faster if I could lay on the couch, tell Cord about my feelings and he could push me." Leaving aside the physics of that, Cord tells us, "I don't need to know about his feelings that bad." Of course that's his primary objection.
Gary and Mallory are the last team to pick up a couch, and Mallory's tiny size is coming into play on this task as well. But she still isn't whining as much as Kent is. "Oh no! Oh no!" he keens. The horror before him? Doors. Once inside, Vyxsin has them put it down so she can point to where they're going and tell him to stop whining. "I'm not being negative, I'm happy," he pants, sounding about as convincing as the words "dating Goths." Jen and Kisha are right behind them. After more whining from Kent, they finally make it to the classroom, and after all the difficulty they've been having it's kind of amazing to see that they're in second place. They've been carrying on like bottom-feeders this whole time. They run into Jen and Kisha as they leave, so the sisters are in third place. By the time the Goths are back in their car, Vyxsin is actually giving Kent props for doing so well, while also explaining what a psychological burden all his whining was on top of the physical burden. Which I get, because it was for me, too.
Justin and Zev are getting tired, and the Cowboys are closing in on them. Gary and Mallory are not, however, bickering with each other instead. At the University, Zev and Justin get directions sending them upstairs, which is a fun carry. The Cowboys arrive outside, and thanks to Team Asperger's vertical Detour, Jet and Cord get to deliver their couch and receive their Salzburg clue in fourth place. Running back to the parking lot and seeing two cars still there, Jet pants, "There's still hope for us." Meanwhile, Zev and Justin are just learning that they went up three extra flights of stairs, and by the time they drop off their couch, it's the fifth one there. "That's not good, Zev," Justin says. Zev knows, because Asperger's doesn't mean stupid.
Gary and Mallory are at the museum, and although the pillow has fallen off, Gary is kicking it along and then carrying it in his teeth as they become the last team to deliver their couch. "That ain't good," Gary says, continuing with his color commentary. Back to the cars.
En route to Salzburg, Flight Time explains, "When your car leaves the Detour first, everything starts looking la little better. Teammates start looking a little better..." "Whoa, I wouldn't go that far," Big Easy says from the front seat.
Meanwhile, Kent and Vyxsin are back into fighting over directions. Zev and Justin manage to pass the Cowboys on the highway without being seen. "Means we're not in last," Justin says. Kent and Vyxsin have wound up in a town somewhere as she says, "I cannot deal with your, like, fricking psycho behavior. I can't handle it." What was it that Freud said about projection? Kent calmly points out that he's calm, but she blames him for driving around in circles. "If we get eliminated today, I swear to God I'm never going to speak to you again." Right here is where I'd put the car in park and say, "Done!" Like the man said, "No reward is worth this." The ads are really just a brief pause before we see her calming down enough to harangue him into getting back on the freeway, where they can more fully enjoy some of the features of their 2012 Ford Focus.
Meanwhile, in lovely, historic Salzburg, Flight Time and Big Easy (who is again wearing a Band-Aid on his head, which I hope wasn't a result of carrying a couch on it) are the first to find the Road Block clue, which asks, 'Who's feeling lucky as can be?" Not that luck, skill, or anything else beyond being a warm body will be related to this Road Block in any way, but Flight Time nominates Big Easy. From a Salzburg rooftop, Phil gives us a little lecture on chimney sweeps being considered lucky. "Still, it's a dirty job, and right now, somebody's got to do it." As Phil explains, one of them will put on the black suit and stovepipe hat of a chimney sweep, then climb to a roof, "Where they will use a specialized, weighted tool to clean out their chimney." That almost makes it sound tricky, but the "specialized tool" is little more than a circular brush with bristles radiating out from the center of it, attached to weights and a rope, so all you have to do is dangle it. After cleaning all three shafts, they go down to the "clean-out" door in the building's basement, open it up, and get their clue from inside. And that's it. I think the only reason this is a Road Block and not a Route Info is that it's too easy for two people to do at once. Big Easy enters the restaurant, where half a dozen chimney sweeps are sitting at a table, and picks the closest guy to come with him. In back is a rack of uniforms, one for each re-racer. "You wear this like me," the chimney sweep says, and Big Easy says he'll get as close as he can. Then it's out to the street and into an alley, carrying a small ladder and the tool and the rope it's attached to. Big Easy was saying he'd look good in this outfit, but he'd look better without his Globetrotters jersey poking out under the bottom of his black uniform jacket.
Approaching Salzburg, Zev is nervous about having to do something on his own. He really shouldn't be. The sisters and the Goths are also closing in. Vyxsin warns Kent not to miss the turn. "What's the turn?" he asks. "Kent! I'm trying to tell you but you just have to stop talking!" Dammit, Kent, stop asking for vital information that you need! God!
Flight Time and his sweep guide reach the roof, where a master sweep is also there watching the proceedings. He's more interested than anyone watching at home, I'm sure. The task consists, in its entirety, of dropping the tool on its rope down the chimney and then reeling it in, on three separate shafts. "When I grew up we didn't even have a chimney," Big Easy says, as though that makes this task any harder. "Santa Claus came through a window." His tool hits the bottom and he has to reel it back up and do the one. That's pretty much going to be it.
The Cowboys and Gary/Mallory are also approaching Salzburg, Mallory hoping that there'll be a Road Block "or something that's tough to do so that we can catch up." Well, there will be one of those things.
Big Easy as just finished his third chimney. Now down to the cellar, where he opens up the little door, dodges the cloud of soot that comes out, and reaches in to grab his suspiciously clean clue. The end.
Zev and Justin are the to find the Road Block clue, which means they made up a lot of time between here and Vienna. This one is Zev's. "I choose you," he says to a chick at the sweeps' table. In the changing room, he encounters Big Easy ,who says they haven't seen anyone else. Still in his uniform, Big Easy meets up with Flight Time so they can read the clue sending them to the Pit Stop, the Villa Trapp. If that name seems familiar, it's because Phil says the 1863-built house was "the real home of the Von Trapp family immortalized in the film The Sound of Music." And the last team to check in may be eliminated, as in so long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye. The Globetrotters are on their way, worried that Zev and Justin might have a map and be able to catch up. Well, they did jump ahead a few places since the University.
Zev is nervous, but this task is so easy he really doesn't need to be. "Bigger, bigger," he says of his rope coils, then adds, "That's what she said." Even with these hijinx, his first chimney gets swept in short order.
The sisters are just now arriving downstairs, and Kent spots them from the street as he and Vyxsin drive up, so they couldn't have been that lost. Kisha and Vyxsin volunteer to take this one for their respective teams. Zev finishes up as Kisha and Vyxsin arrive on the roof, then heads down to the cellar and gets his clue. Kisha talks about how heavy the cleaning tool is, in a heroic effort to make this seem like an actual challenge. Zev and Justin get their Pit Stop clue in second place, find a crowd to direct them to the Villa Trapp, and head out. "Let's not get lost!" Zev says. Good plan. Ahead of them, Flight Time and Big Easy are getting directions from a cab driver. Kisha, then Vyxsin, finishes the Detour, but somehow the Goths just pass the sisters by the time they're out on the street reading their Pit Stop clue.
Jet and Cord arrive at the Road Block in fifth place, and Cord volunteers to take this one. This will prove to be a mistake, as we'll see. For now, Cord figures he looks good in the sweep's gear. "I think I might have found a new calling already," he grins. Well, chimneys don't buck, at least. Up on the roof, he obviouses, "It's not my first day to use a rope." And indeed, the Road Block proves as easy for him as it was for everyone else.
The Globetrotters are getting close to the Pit Stop, but that big yellow house they just passed because they thought that wasn't it? That was it. Now they have to turn around, and Zev and Justin are "stumbling our way there," as Justin says. But then the first team to walk in the front door of the house is...Zev and Justin. "Phil!" Zev calls, like it's a dinner party. The middle-aged Austrian greeter who might well be Captain Von Trapp's granddaughter welcomes them to Salzburg, Austria, and Phil happily tells them they're team number one. They clearly weren't expecting that, and they yell louder than a shitload of Von Trapps. "What just happened!" Justin whoops. Phil tell them they've each won their own Ford Focus, which are apparently parked out back, because if you win a car the first thing you want to do is have it shipped across the Atlantic. They go out the French doors to check them out. There's red one and a yellow one, which makes them look like giant, four-wheeled ketchup and mustard bottles.
Flight Time and Big Easy arrive in second place, to Big Easy's visible disappointment. "You had a look on your face like you just wanted to give up the whole race," Phil says. Ooh, kind of a sore spot, there. "No, I just wanted first place today," Big Easy says good-naturedly.
Jen and Kisha? Lost, as usual. Vyxsin assures Kent that they're "freakishly close." Cord finishes the Road Block. Gary and Mallory arrive outside, and Mallory nominates Gary to do the Road Block. They spot the departing Cowboys on the way in and ask if they're last. "I don't know!" both Cowboys say a little too quickly, and Mallory looks pained when they admit, "We haven't seen nobody." Although that might be because of their grammar. Outside, the Cowboys try to find directions to Villa Trapp, but aren't confident about what they get.
Gary works on the Road Block. Kisha and Jen make a wrong turn and are told by a guide behind the villa, "This is forbidden." So that's pretty much how Kent and Vyxsin end up in third. They're thrilled, especially as Vyxsin interviews, "It is odd, that after a day of such hot-cold-hot-cold all day long with each other, this is the best we've ever done on the race. Maybe we just need to fight more?" Kent make an exhausted face like, "Just kill me now."
Gary finishes the Road Block, so they're off to the Pit Stop in last place. "Isn't that the family from The Sound of Music?" Mallory asks.
Jet and Cord find themselves right behind Kisha and Jen on the driveway to the villa, but aren't able to catch up before the sisters get inside and reach the mat, so they're four and five respectively with Kisha and Jen seconds ahead. "You've been racing so hard your cowboy hat is dirty," Phil observes to Cord. Indeed, it looks like some soot transferred from his hand to the brim of his light-colored hat. This is why I said Jet should have done this Road Block; his hat's already black, so it wouldn't have shown. Cord says he'll get a new one after he wins the money, which is pretty big talk coming from a member of the second-to last team. Phil says as much: "These guys whooped your ass today, by at least three seconds." Cord admits, "It's time to step it up, or we're gonna have to go home." What, after they came in second their first time on the race? But look at the other second-place teams who came back, and -- oh, we can't because they're gone.
Finally, Gary and Mallory walk into the room, and Phil gravely tells them, "Gary and Mallory, you are the last team to arrive." And since this isn't a Pit Keep Going, it doesn't look good for them. Will their second leg eight in a row be their undoing? Sure enough, Phil continues, "I'm sorry to tell you that...that's put you at the back of the pack. But not out of the race. This is a non-elimination leg." Whoa, see what he did there? Mallory's so happy she doesn't even care about the Speed Bump coming up in the leg. She interviews, "To have a third chance at this? It's the biggest blessing ever, in the world." Jesus is like, "No, it isn't. Jeez, I do something nice for you without being asked and look what you do." Then she dorks to Phil, "Third time's a charm!" Her interview continues, "When you get something that big, you've gotta do something with it, so...now we gotta win it. I got faith."
Jesus: "Yes, I've noticed that about you."
And what, Phil wasn't available to record the voice-over for week's preview? Probably too busy shooting dashboard video.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.