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An early-leg fake-out sends teams racing for cups of tea before leaving China for the crowds and chaos of Kolkata, India. After having some fun with Mallory and spending most of the night outside Town Hall, the re-racers have to sample hundreds of cups of tea to find a match for the cups they drank way back in China. That spreads the teams out pretty effectively. After a stop at a tea stall, Detour participants must either paint a statue of Ganesh or schlep stacks of books across town. Meanwhile, Luke gets stuck and frustrated while taking forever at the Road Block, but manages to finish. Gary and Mallory win the leg, and what amounts to a spot in an infomercial for a bottled iced tea. Most of the other teams overcome traffic to arrive at about the same time. Despite a painting mishap that slows the second-to-last-place Globetrotters down at the Detour, Luke and Margie fail to catch up. So that's the fourth team from TAR14 to be sent home in as many eliminations, which would make me very nervous if I were Kisha and Jen.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!This is, of course Kunming, China, which Phil identifies as "A significant Chinese trading center since the time of the Silk Road." And American viewers all know what that is. Phil also describes the lovely, seagull-populated Green Lake Park as "an oasis in the midst of this bustling city," and the fifth Pit Stop in a race around the world. The seagulls certainly aren't taking advantage of this opportunity to rest, though.
Jet and Cord, who won the leg, are departing at 2:14 PM. "It's tea time," Jet reads after opening the clue. The clue doesn't know the half of it. Phil explains that they'll now have to get to Jin Fu Yi Zhan Tea Shop -- still there in Kunming -- to "take part in a traditional tea tasting. What they don't know is that the papaya- and mango-infused tea they'll be drinking will appear in a challenge later in this leg of the race." In what looks like hundreds of cups, no less, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. After they're done tasting, they'll be given a circular brick of tea and their clue. The Cowboys are on their way. Jet interviews that his family is sacrificing as much as he is to be there, with his wife staying home and looking after their two-year-old daughter and the ranch. "Same as Cord's wife," he adds. Sounds like they're sacrificing even more, then. That's their extra incentive for not wanting to go home empty-handed. I have a similar incentive, but mine causes me to stay home.
Gary and Mallory are leaving only two minutes later, at 2:16 PM. "Are we still in China? Oh no," she sings like she sings almost everything, only this time it's in a minor key. But she looks on the bright side in the cab on the way there: "I used to have tea parties all the time when I was little so I know a lot about tea." Well, almost every task finds someone with an unfair advantage.
Luke and Margie are leaving at 2:48 PM, in third place. Neither of them is too thrilled about this apparent indication that they're staying in China, either. What, six legs in their life here is too many?
Elsewhere, the Cowboys get out of their cab and tell it to wait while they wander around on foot in search of the tea shop. "But nothing's in English," Jet notices with those keen Marlboro Man eyes of his. Gary and Mallory, however, find it quickly, aided by a sign that names the tea shop in Roman characters as well as Chinese. They go in, sit at the counter, and watch patiently as the barista dude brews them a pot of tea and pours them each a small cup. "Peach," Mallory declares after tasting it. Wow, she really is a tea expert. I just hope it doesn't have too much caffeine in it, because that's the last thing she needs. They're about to finish up when the Cowboys wander in, and Mallory hospitably says, "Howdy! Sit and have some tea with us," before they get their clue and leave, Mallory telling them the tea's peach. "We need to take our hats off for this?" Cord asks seriously, like it might be a deal-breaker.
Outside, Gary and Mallory open the clue, which is sending them to Kolkata, India, which until tonight I assumed was still spelled Calcutta. Shows what I know. Mallory throws herself her own little celebration before Phil's voice tells us they now have a 900-mile flight to "one of the most populous urban areas in the world: Kolkata, India." Then they'll have to get to Kolkata's Town Hall to find their clue. Mallory dances off with her dad while Jet and Cord drink their tea. I am relieved to report that they are still wearing their hats.
Jen and Kisha are leaving in a distant fourth, at 3:43 PM. "We are not out of China!" Jen says in the cab, through gritted teeth. She's only half kidding, if that.
Kent and Vyxsin are leaving at 3:52, his pink zebra-print hoodie only slightly less distracting than how much of Vyxsin's girls are out on display. Then Flight Time and Big Easy take off at 3:59, in sixth place. "Still in China?" Big Easy says wearily. At the tea shop, Margie and Luke are drinking their tea, after the Cowboys and their hats are long gone.
Ron and Christina are leaving in seventh place, at 4:09 PM. Zev and Justin are right behind them, leaving at 4:10 and saying, "More China?" And... what is Zev wearing? Justin explains, "We're leaving in last place, and we needed a little pick-me-up and I think the silver pajamas are just that." They certainly are eye-catching. Zev looks like a Bond villain. Luckily the outfit doesn't seem to preclude them from getting a cab.
Kisha and Jen are seen drinking the tea, then the Goths, then the Globetrotters. We're only seeing one team in there at a time. "Delicious," Flight Time says heartily. Remember that flavor, dude. When it's Ron and Christina's turn, she asks the proprietor in Mandarin what kind of tea it is. "Papaya Mango," he responds readily, to Ron's surprise. "I never thought this kind of tea existed," he marvels, while the camera focuses on a shelf of papayas and mangoes in the shop that he must have thought were for decoration. Then it's Zev and Justin's turn. "I have no clue what that tastes like," Zev says in what will prove to be ominous foreshadowing. A different, female barista presents them with their clue and tea brick. As they leave, Zev critiques, "That was... pointless." That's what I thought, too. Both of us will be proven wrong. Then, without further delay or even much editing, it's off to the airport, and thing we know, an Amazing Red Line indicates the progress of all teams from Kunming to Kolkata. I always think of both of those places being so far away that it's a bit startling to see they're less than a thousand miles apart. I guess all the farthest places are actually pretty close to each other. Profound, I know.
Cut to that night, and the sixteen remaining re-racers charging out of the Kolkata Airport in a hollering mob. And Phil wasn't kidding about how populous this town is; indeed, the crowd begins right outside the door, like the re-racers are the Beatles arriving at JFK, if their fans had been relatively quiet and unmoving Indian people. "I already love India!" Mallory hollers. The crowds complicate the usual scramble for cabs, but the Globetrotters seem to get underway first, with Gary and Mallory right behind them, both teams exhorting their drivers to get there first. Zev dubs the city "Cal-crazy." Jen marvels, "That place was packed, and it's one in the morning." Ron is also amazed. "I didn't realize there were that many people for a midnight flight," he says. "Welcome to India," Christina says. Maybe Kolkata has just gotten so crowded that there's literally nowhere but outside the airport left for anyone to stand.
So now that they're on the highways (where I'm glad to say the crowds have thinned out), it's a cab race. The Cowboys pass Gary and Mallory, and then the Globetrotters, whom Cord identifies because he almost can't see them, the way their height forces them to hunch over in their cabs. And it soon becomes apparent that the drivers are even more invested in the race than the re-racers themselves, as Luke thinks their driver is driving on train tracks, Justin tells his driver to "take it easy" right before they run a red light and crowd another taxi, and the Cowboys' driver squeezes through a rapidly shrinking gap between a truck and a highway divider at high speed. In Ron and Christina's cab, squealing tires are heard, and their camera spins around in the front seat to get a shot of the giant truck that almost just T-boned them in an intersection. They're on that line between exhilarated and terrified, but right now I'm thinking about the cameraman watching this at home with his family, saying, "Look, honey, there's the truck that almost pancaked me! You can even count the bugs in the grille. Isn't HD amazing?"
Somehow Team Asperger's and the Globetrotters make it to Town Hall alive, but the sign outside the wrought-iron gate says it doesn't open until 10 AM. Kolkata may be a busy city, but not much of a morning city, I guess. As they're getting settled down for the night, Jen and Kisha arrive, followed by the Goths (Vyxsin looks for a place on the sidewalk to sleep where there are not quite so many bugs), and then Ron/Christina, Gary/Mallory, and Margie/Luke. Mallory's looking for the clue box that isn't actually out here, and the Globetrotters start telling her, "Run! Run!" which is like winding up a small, excitable dog. All the other teams who have been there laugh hysterically as the later teams run around looking for a clue box that isn't there. When Mallory finally figures out she's been had, she humorously announces, "I hate y'all!" and dispenses playful smacks to everyone. "Oh my gosh, we're like a pack of dogs," says the alpha Chihuahua.
The morning, as the sun rises, there's a lot of activity on the block, up to and including food preparation. Even if Town Hall isn't open to the public until ten, there's at least someone sweeping the sidewalk out front. "Last night, when we got here, people were asleep right where they're cooking this morning," Gary observes. Mallory remarks that the race is about living like the people live. "This is, I think a tough place to survive in, so I think we might have a tough leg," Mallory says. Yes, they're about to live the daily life of Kolkuta natives. It'll be uncanny.
At 10:00 AM, someone comes out to unlock the front gate, and the re-racers pour in as a running mob. Eight teams is still a lot of people in that form. Into the colonial-style building, where they follow Amazing Arrows set up in the front lobby up to the second floor, where a clue box is waiting patiently. It's a Road Block, with the question, "Who's ready to drink in the scenery?" RON. Oh, sorry, that was one of those symbolic clue questions. Never mind. Phil educates, "Kolkata has always been the point where Chinese tea came into India, and Indian tea left for China. Now in this place ["this place " being a long, columned hall dominated by a table almost as long, covered with literally hundreds of bowls of tea], where flavors have been traded for centuries, teams will face a Road Block that will push their powers of perception to the extreme." Phil says they'll be doing some tea-tasting. They'll start by collecting a papaya and a mango from one of the groaning tables of produce in the building. They'll bring those and their tea brick from China to the auctioneer seated at the front of the hall. Then the re-racers will have to search that giant table to find a bowl of the same tea they tasted in China, yesterday, nine hundred miles ago. After succeeding in this, assuming they do, they'll get a bottle of iced tea from the auctioneer. The bottles are unlabeled, but the familiar wide-mouthed vessels are instantly recognizable as Snapple, which is about as subtle as things are going to get here. Their clue will be printed on the bottom of the bottle cap. So, you know, don't lose it.
Re-racers get started. Without the show having to waste any time on showing who's doing this, we can see that it's going to be Kent, Kisha, Mallory, Zev, Luke, Flight Time, Jet, and Ron. With their fruits in hand, they carry them into the hall, where there's a whole sitar band playing. Kent formally presents his offering, saying, "I bring you papaya, and I bring you mango." Flight Time, on the other hand, simply says, "Here you go, Homie." Disrespectful? Maybe, but it's worth it to take the piss out of Kent. Everyone takes a few seconds to stand overwhelmed at the tea table before beginning the tasting. Their partners call encouragement from behind a railing at the far end of the hall. Ron starts eliminating teas by color and smell, and soon finds one with mango. He brings a cup up to the auctioneer, who looks at the bottom of it and says it's right. Then he presents Ron with one of those tea bottles from an ice-filled cooler. Nice how Ron and Christina's home court advantage in China didn't really pay off until they were in India.
While Kent hands over his cup, Ron wonders how to find the clue. "Do I have to drink this stuff and it's inside there?" He soon finds it under the cap. The clue is sending them to the Jorashanko area, where they need to find the Tiwari Tea Stall to get their clue. Leaving Town Hall, Christina gushes with praise for Ron, who says, "Let's keep the lead." He certainly did well, but that might be a little ambitious.
The other seven teams are still going at it, more from trial and error than anything else. Ron and Christina find a cab, and he charmingly says of the driver's claim to know where they're going, "He
better, he don't screw us royal [sic]." Shut up and drink your tea, Ron.
Back in the hall, Big Easy is hollering out encouragement, and Justin tells Zev, "Think of it like tea pong!" before explaining to us and the other waiting re-racers, he's good at beer pong. Zev admits that he had no clue what it tasted like. Luke also has no idea, which doesn't say much about the theory that people who are missing one sense compensate with the others, unless Luke has an amazing sense of touch. Kent is, at least, trying different cups. Jet, after six or seven attempts, decides to try smelling them, even though this requires him to remove his hat to bend over the table. He brings a cup up front, and the auctioneer tries to tease him with a little smile before saying he got it. That's the Cowboys in second place. "Ah, Snapple," Jet says as he receives his unlabeled but still completely identifiable bottle. On the way out, Cord tells him good job and asks, "Got any good ideas on that tea bottle there?" Jet, now wearing sunglasses that look like he got them at the eye doctor after having his pupils dilated, figures they can open it. The inside of the cap reads, in its entirety, "Take a taxi to the Jorashanko area and find the Thakur Bari then find the Tiwari Tea Stall." I think if I ever get a Snapple bottle that tells me to do that I'll probably just ignore it.
Back in the hall, Luke tells a drippy-chinned Mallory, "I'm full." Just like most Indians, as Mallory predicted. The auctioneer, checking the bottom of Flight Time's bowl against his ledger, shakes his head no. But Kisha gets a yes, so they're leaving in third place, even though they have no idea what to do with their bottle. "Maybe it's where they make the Snapple. Is the Snapple factory here?" Kisha wonders. "I don't know," Jen says, turning the unopened bottle around and around in her hands.
The Cowboys are out in the street looking for a cab and having little luck. But Jen and Kisha find a taxi stand, and although the driver doesn't know where Snapple comes from (we can now see the "S" logo on the cap, plain as day, in case there were still any doubt), they soon flag down a local who authoritatively says, "This place is Jorashanko Thakur Bari." So they're going to the right place even without opening their clue, let alone reading it, which is kind of impressive. Don't ask me how the local knew where to send them, unless he either overheard Ron and Christina earlier or is some kind of stealth fakir who can read through metal bottle caps. The Cowboys also flag down a cab, whose driver motions them inside without saying he knows where they're going. You probably don't get many fares in Kolkata by only taking people to places you already know how to find, is my guess.
Back at Town Hall, the five remaining re-racers are dribbling tea down their chins with growing frustration. Kent is the to finish, and after being handed his tea bottle, he says, "Please give me clue." "It's there," the auctioneer says, pointing to the bottle in Kent's hand. Kent, thinking the guy is indicating something behind him, goes wandering off in that direction. Mallory is getting more upset as she dips her nose into tea bowls. I'd be upset about having to drink Mallory's boogers. Kent and Vyxsin (probably Vyxsin) have figured out that the clue's in the cap by the time they reach the lobby, and Kent snaps at her, "Give me my bag, right now!" as they hurry downstairs. Luke has fallen into his usual pattern of frustrated whining, and Zev says he's tried one seven times. "They all look the same now."
Mallory thinks she's found the right one, and on the way to the front of the room, only raises one hand to her dad rather than wasting valuable drinking time talking to him. Sure enough, that's the right one, and she does the predictable freak-out as they leave the hall. "That was really, really hard," she says almost tearfully in the lobby. That leaves three teams still in there, with rising levels of frustration and caffeination and probably bladder fullness. Flight Time gets a no, so does Luke, and so does Zev, who then drops his cup to break on the stone floor. "It's not gonna be much fun after this, I'll tell you that much," Justin says. Then we go to commercials, which include a Snapple travel fact and a Snapple commercial, by what I'm sure is pure coincidence.
The task continues after the ads, with the re-racers' partners being empathetic to their plight. Zev gets his right , and fake-brightly says, "Thank you, sir," as he takes his tea bottle. Justin spares the other partners a high-five before heading out to meet Zev with both their backpacks, and gives his partner a hug before they leave. "Let's get in a cab, and you can wet yourself in the cab," Justin promises. Maybe Zev should have gone with gold pajamas instead of silver if that was the plan. Now it's just down to Flight Time and Luke. In the cab, Justin says they don't know how much longer it'll take them. "Just gotta keep chugging," he says. "Don't say chugging," Zev says.
Ron and Christina's driver doesn't seem to be getting them anywhere, and is doing it badly to boot. They agree to change cabs on the spot. Kisha and Jen get out of their cab, even though their driver can't confirm that "they make this... here." Because as far as I can tell, they don't. The sisters start flagging down random people to ask them, "Do you know here they make this?" and getting nowhere. "I'm about to drink this Snapple," Jen threatens in frustration. Like that would be the worst thing she could do.
Jet and Cord are also on foot, making their way through the busy traffic of vehicles, pedestrians, donkeys, and rolling truck tires. "This place is amazing," Jet mutters, not entirely warmly. The Goths are in the cab, Kent grossing me out by talking about how Vyxsin's carrying the bottle in her "boozum." They're actually somehow the first to find the tea stall, and they duck into a nearby alley to read the clue. Detour!
Phil lectures, "As one of the oldest civilizations on earth, the people of India have promoted religion and education down through the millennia." So now the teams have to decide "which aspect of Indian life they'd like to explore." Exploring being a little generous, as the verbs in the Detour intros tend to be. For the "Hindu Art" option, they'll go to a statuary shop and paint, dress, and decorate a statue of the Hindu god Ganesha. Even I recognized that one. I also know Shiva and... I could maybe pick Kali out of a lineup and... okay, I'm out. Sorry. Ignorant American again. Back to Phil: "When their work matches the intricate designs of the finished example, the shop owner will give them the clue." For "Bengali Literature," they'll go to a bookstore and collect eight stacks of children's books which they will carry into a "rickshaw school-bus," which is basically just what it sounds like: a bicycle rickshaw whose trailer is shaped like a miniature yellow school bus. From inside it, they'll direct their driver through the streets to a school, and deliver the books to the headmistress for their clue. And that's it.
Obviously Kent and Vyxsin are going for Hindu Art, "'Cause I'm good at crafty stuff," Vyxsin says. Gary and Mallory show up at the tea stall (after nearly getting sideswiped by a truck in their cab en route) and decide to deliver the books. Jen and Kisha, meanwhile, have gone inside a building to ask a guy, "Do you know where they make the Snapple?" Rather than just telling them, "New York, derr," he wants to take the cap off, but they snatch it away from him. "Why would he want to open it?" Jen bitches, like that's the stupidest thing she's ever heard. But Kisha says he might have a point, and after removing the cap and looking under it, Jen explodes, "Shut the fuck up!" Or something like that. The sound might have cut out there for some reason. Well, at least they're already in the right neighborhood. Although I still don't understand how.
Ron and Christina (actually just Christina) find the tea stall and get their clue in third place, Christina thanking the shop owner in one of the local languages. Ron suggests the decorating task rather than risking getting lost. He's on a roll today. Jen and Kisha find the tea stall and make the same call. Jet and Cord, who left Town Hall in second place, haven't even found the tea stall yet.
Back at Town Hall, it's still Flight Time and Luke, forcing themselves to continue. The two bottles of Snapple waiting in the cooler for someone to claim them look almost as sad as Margie and Big Easy do while they're waiting at the railing.
Out in the city, Gary and Mallory find the crowded bookstore on the crowded streets and get their eight bundles of Introduction to the Bengali Alphabet. Which, going by the size of the books, must not be as long as some other alphabets. They grab four bundles each (seriously, these are not large books) and load them into one of the multiple "buses" waiting out back for the re-racers' use. Then Mallory turns to the crowd -- because in India there's always a crowd -- and tells the first English speaker who steps forward where they need to go. He gives them directions that don't seem all that complicated (especially for India), and as they get towed off, Gary says, "I feel like a monkey in a circus parade." Except in a miniature school bus.
The Cowboys finally find the tea stall in fifth place, and decide to do t
he book task. They get directions to the bookstore. Zev and Justin are the to get to the stall, and Justin leaves it up to Zev: "It's your day, buddy." Zev opts for the bookstore as well.
The Goths, the sisters, and Ron and Christina arrive at the statuary shop, which spills out into the alley and is being loudly serenaded by a drum-and-clarinet combo. I think the educational aspect of The Amazing Race might be occasionally overstated, but at least it's taught us all that wherever you go and whatever you do outside the United States, there's probably a band playing. There are several plain white statues of the four-armed, large-bellied, elephant-headed deity, one naked with a pink-painted upper body and feet on a blue pedestal with a brown otter or some other small mammal at its feet, and another painted one decked out in clothing, jewelry, and headpiece. They get right to work, and of course Kent refers to it as "pretty in pink, much like Vyxsin and I." Ron and Christina decide to dig out their ear plugs, which I wish I had a pair of to block out Ron's bitching about the noise. Christina tells him to focus. "That's easy for you to say. Jeez, good grief," Ron says, somehow driving the stock of earplugs both up and down simultaneously.
Flight Time and Luke are still at it. Flight Time says this is "the hardest thing I've ever done," which is kind of surprising coming from a professional athlete. I'm pretty sure any given workout he's ever done since he was sixteen would be the hardest thing I've ever done. He has a flashback to their failure and penalty in Prague during TAR15, and says they made a pact not to do that this time. Well, I should hope so. Luke is also running out of juice, even as he continues to fill himself with tea. And his spirits aren't lifted when Flight Time gets it right. Margie even high-fives Big Easy before telling Luke to keep going. The Globetrotters get out and get a cab before even realizing the clue is in the cap. They hand it up to the driver, who knows where it is. "We gotta go fast," Big Easy says.
Luke is literally sobbing now as he keeps bringing cups up to the front, to no avail. Then he walks back to Margie, signing, "It's hard, it's hard," and we can see the whole long table is only half empty. And it has seven fewer right ones than it had at the beginning, as an extra bonus. Margie hugs Luke and tells him he can finish. The sitar band is long gone, but there are about a half a dozen guys in white uniforms and red turbans and sashes watching this display with varying degrees of patience, as Margie sends Luke back to finish. "But I'm not sure he can," she confides to us. Join the club.
Coming back, he's still crying with his head on the table while Margie keeps telling him to finish, and getting a little teary her own self. Margie reminds us of Luke's tendency to get frustrated if he was at a task too long (flashback to his pantsless surfboard tantrum in Hawaii), like we need reminding. "He feels like he let me down, but I'm so proud of him," Margie weeps. Is she talking about now or two years ago?
Back at the actual race, where other people are actually racing, Gary and Mallory have arrived at the school. They soon find the office of the headmistress, drop off the books, and get a clue sending them to the Fountain of Joy. Phil explains that this is in what the closed captioning claims is spelled Mada, "the largest park in Kolkata." It is indeed a sprawling expanse of open space, especially for this city. "Searching the area near the Fountain of Joy, and the Victoria Memorial Hall, teams will find the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in here may be eliminated." They'd better not come from the direction of that big stand of trees Phil is waiting right to, then, or they'll never see him. Gary and Mallory run back out to a cab.
The Goths are busy decorating the eyes of the statue. "We draw on eyebrows every day," Kent interviews, as he and Vyxsin model their own eyes. "It was kind of like getting ready in the morning," Kent interviews. At the task, he says, "Now it's time to accessorize," marking the first time anybody has ever been equally excited to say that word as they were about the word "booz-ums" in the same day. He gets to work on bracelets and armbands. Meanwhile, Kisha and Christina are discussing whether Ganesha's belly comes from being a goddess of fertility or just generally having a gut. I'm going with the latter, Ganesha being a dude and all. Ron is still complaining about the band, which I think is getting as close to him as he can just to annoy him, and making me wish I'd learned the clarinet.
Jet and Cord are getting the runaround in their search for the bookstore. Zev and Justin find it first, and Zev asks vainly for a bag. They carry them out and pick out a driver who Justin thinks looks pretty fast. "I don't know about his Boston hat," Zev says. They get directions from a passerby, and as the rickshaw pulls out, Zev is riding with his head hanging out the back door, until the wheels hit a bump and thumps his skull on the top of the doorframe. Ouch! "I feel a little claustrophobic but it's for a good cause, delivering books to a school," Zev says. Not that the school wouldn't have gotten the books anyway, or even needs them.
Jet and Cord are still making their way down the Kolkatan equivalent of Charing Cross Road and eventually find the bookstore they're looking for. They load a rickshaw, get directions, and ride off. Jet complains about how slow the bicycle driver is going, and sticks one leg out the back door to push against the pavement for extra speed. Every little bit helps, I guess.
Luke is still at it, and has at least made a huge dent in the cups that were left. But he appears to have hit the proverbial wall again. He goes fetal on the floor until Margie comes and picks him up for another hug. He says she doesn't know how it feels, and she admits as much, "But I know how you'll feel if you don't finish." Because he's been feeling it for the past two years since Maui. He agrees, "Mom, I can do it. Mom, I'll do it." The uniformed staff gives him a supportive round of applause, like Luke is an injured player getting back on the field. Since he's the only one left anyway, he stacks a bunch of bowls onto a tray and carries the tray up front, drinking one after another in front of the auctioneer and showing him the bottoms of the empty cups until he gets it right. "You got it," the auctioneer finally whispers. Margie whoops and the staff applauds, and it almost seems like Luke's actually the last to know. A couple of them try to pick him up a little, to the extent that a tall, athletic American can be picked up by these guys, and they clap him right on out of there. In the cab, Margie tells us how proud of Luke she is. Not that he cares, because he looks exhausted. There must not have been much caffeine in it after all.
The Globetrotters find the tea stall in seventh place and decide on the art Detour. Where Kent and Vyxsin are finishing up nailing the bangles to the statue, and get their Pit Stop clue in second place. Jen/Kisha and Ron/Christina are also doing the finishing touches, and Jen and Kisha are the to finish, putting them in third, with Ron and Christina in fourth place.
Margie and Luke make it to the tea stall in what is unsurprisingly last place and decide on Hindu Art. Meanwhile, Zev and Justin are being driven through the streets while their driver persistently honks his asthmatic bike horn at the oblivious traffic. Soon they're at the school, and they get the books in and receive their clue in short order. Back to a regular cab, asking to get to Victoria Memorial fast.
The Cowboys also get to the school and go in through the uniform-crowded playgrou
nd on their way to the headmistress's office. They get their Pit Stop clue in sixth place, and read it with a cheering crowd of kids around them, who wave them happily on. They get in a cab, and I feel the need to tell all those Indian children that we don't all wear cowboy hats all the time here.
The Globetrotters arrive at the statue shop and get started. Meanwhile, Gary and Mallory spot the fountain, jump out of their cab, and run right up to Phil and the blue-sari'ed greeter, who luckily for them are waiting in sight of the curb. She welcomes them to Kolkata, and Phil tells them they're team number one. He really should have borrowed Ron and Christina's earplugs, going by the scream that comes out of Mallory. "Are you serous?" she asks. "I'm very serious," Phil says, as seriously as one can manage in the face of a grand-Mallory seizure.
And then he has to start shilling Snapple in earnest. He reminds them of all the tea "references" during this leg, and indicates a tub of iced-down Snapple and Diet Snapple bottles which, according to their labels, are Amazing Race flavored. Yum, tastes like flop-sweat and clue-ink, and the label is printed in a language you can't understand! Phil explains that Snapple has made two new tea flavors, and Gary and Mallory get to try it first. I don't know why this makes Mallory so happy but it does. That's a pretty paltry prize for winning the leg, unless you're a pretty big tea enthusiast. Fortunately, Phil has more good news: "Snapple is gonna treat you to some of the best stuff in India," he says, referencing the stuff's slogan. They'll get an "extraordinary Indian feast, while being entertained with a special performance of a Bollywood-inspired dance, [clips of dance occurring around a table in a hotel suite], plus you will receive one million rupees to share." Before I can check the exchange rate, Phil says that's over twenty thousand U.S. dollars, which is not too shabby. But still, Mallory's more excited about the tea than anything else. After all she drank earlier, you have to really love tea. Or else she's just thinking about her tea party.
Then we're either looking at a traffic jam or the world's narrowest, noisiest parking lot. Ron has a headache, from the noise and from losing their lead and probably from just generally having to be Ron all the time. Kent waves his and Vyxsin's clue in their driver's face as though directions are the problem. Kisha calls it nerve-racking, and Justin says, "On our way to the Pit Stop and we're in a car that's turned off." Cord points out a sign on a bus that says, "India is great." "India is great," Jet says. They love the traffic, I guess. Or they're conscious of the cameras being on.
The Globetrotters are busy painting, and Flight Time has some festive splotches of pink on his head. Margie and Luke are approaching, the Amazing Foley Guys showing admirable restraint by not making it sound as if Luke is audibly sloshing as he walks. But now the Globetrotters have finished their painting, and are moving on to the decorating as Luke and Margie arrive and get to work painting their own. Stepping up to finish dressing their statue, Flight Time kicks something -- which turns out to have been the bucket of brown paint, which is now spattered all over the statue's blue pedestal, white legs, pink feet, and even the pink belly. Oops, now they have to repaint. Flight Time apologizes, but Big Easy complains, "You're kidding me, man!" Such language!
After some more Snapple-flogging during the ads, Margie is hoping this means they can catch up, while the Globetrotters hurry to touch up their mistake. Lucky for them the paint seems to dry quickly. They're not wasting time with recriminations, because, you know, they never do, even when they have four hours to do it in.
Now the traffic has loosened up for the multi-way cab race o the Pit Stop. Justin gives their driver an extra twenty rupees, because 45 cents will really light a fire under him. The Cowboys are the first out of their cab, and would probably be getting run down by the other teams' cabs but for how they also need to stop and get out. It's a confused footrace, but Jet and Cord are the to jump on the mat, Cord shaking Phil's hand. Ron and Christina quickly join them. "Good to see y'all!" Cord lies to them. "Make some room, boys," Justin calls as he and Zev run up to join them. Phil greets all six of them and tells them they're teams two, three, and four. Now here come Kent and Vyxsin, nearly getting run over by motorcycles as they run across the street. They join the tea party on the mat and Phil asks if they know which team they are. They have to know they can't be higher than fourth, but for some reason Phil lets Jet and Cord tell them. Jet says, "Team number four." The Goths are pretty happy about that, and Phil has to yell over the noise to correct, "Five!" While everyone hugs, he teases Jet, "Don't you know how to count?" Clearly the Pit Stop mat is not a good place to do math.
The Globetrotters are nearly done with their repair touch-ups while Margie and Luke are still painting their first coat. Unsurprisingly, the Globetrotters finish the Detour in seventh place. But before leaving, Flight Time pauses to give Luke and Margie a hug. "Just respect for not giving up," Flight Time narrates, which means a lot coming from a team who gave up last time. Anyway, Margie was certainly impressed without how sweet it was. Now the Globetrotters have to hail a cab. This is a process that seems to take a long time, as Margie and Luke are getting closer to done and moving on to the dressing of their stature. Is this really going to come down to racist cabdrivers in India?
Kisha and Jen: team number six. "We'll take it," Kisha says. Jen does not tell Phil to shut the fuck up.
Margie and Luke finish and get their clue in last place. The Globetrotters are still trying to secure a cab, in what's starting to look like late afternoon. Long day, man, especially if you think of it having started when they bedded down on the sidewalk at one in the morning. The editing suggests that both teams get into cabs at about the same time, the partners reminding each other not to give up. Standard suspenseful cutting back and forth, and then cutting to the park, and Phil glancing suspensefully at the greeter. A cabbie hurries out of his taxi to open the back door, and a camera careens in on Phil and the greeter, the latter of whom says, "Welcome to Kolkata, India." But to whom?
Flight Time and Big Easy thank her, unsurprisingly. But even if the suspense is over for us, it's not for them, as Phil starts interviewing them before telling them what place they came in at. "You fought to get to the mat like crazy, right? Did everything you could." Big Easy says Flight Time carried them, and emotionally adds that he knows Flight Time didn't want to let him down. "To see him go that hard, that touched me." Flight Time says you don't get many second chances, and "We try to last as long as we can and hopefully it's not over." Ah, he's been paying attention, at least, to what Phil hasn't said. Phil finally tells them they're still in it, and are team number seven. They duly hug.
Finally, here come Margie and Luke, holding hands as they walk to the mat. Luke sets his backpack down on the edge of the mat and sits on it, a portrait in defeat. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, and Philiminates them. Luke breaks down, probably crying tears of pure tea at this point, and Margie crouches down to hug him. "I don't hold him responsible for us being eliminated," Margie interviews. On the mat, Luke continues taking the "r" out of "tear ducts." In a solo interview at night, he signs, "Being on The Amazing Race was a big dream for me. I never thought I could be on The Amazing Race in a million years. I had a wonderful time racing with my mom." Then Margie joins him to say, "I'm very proud of you." Big hug, and we see them walking away together, Margie with her arm around him and carrying both their bags. Okay, sad, but he's how old?
So as
I mentioned in the recaplet, that's the fourth team from Season Fourteen in a row to be eliminated, out of the five who started. If anyone thought "Unfinished Business" was a do-over for TAR14, I think we have a winner. Now Jen and Kisha can get eliminated in two weeks and the other seasons can fight it out.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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