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After the teams get to feel all virtuous doing some repainting of the Ghanaian school, they head to Kiruna, Sweden, at the Arctic Circle. The race gives everyone the same tickets north, but most teams either research an earlier flight out of Frankfurt or learn about it from teams who did. Which is not to say that everyone gets on it. Once there, they go to the famous Icehotel (or rather the warehouse where the Icehotel is stored in the summer). Michael and Kevin's lame little Speed Bump consists of sitting in ice chairs there for ten minutes, so they're the first to get to a dog-sledding Road Block. Jill and Thomas are already in last place when they go running full-tilt in the wrong direction. At the Detour, they have to either sled down a course or build tents in the snow with Scandinavian nomads. Michael and Kevin struggle with the tent while Kat breaks the sledding course but still makes it with Nat to the Norwegian border Pit Stop first. Not bad for the team that came in eighth last week. Three other teams bail on the sledding task, but Jill and Thomas don't know that and use their Express Pass on the Detour, landing them in fifth place. And Jonathan and Connor are the last-place team, meaning they missed their Princeton graduation during this leg for nothing. Not that they don't try really hard to make up for it.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!"This is Doryumu," Phil tells us as he welcomes us back to Ghana, although it's a little odd that this is the first time I've heard that word. By which I mean "Doryumu," not "this," even if Phil makes "this" sound new every time. "Here, where people live and work much the same as they have for generations, teams found this rural homestead in a race around the world." So I guess it is just some dude's house then. But the race is on hold for a bit, because as we see the yellow-and-brown uniformed kids at the Asebi D/A Primary School singing a morning song, the racers walk up shyly in a big knot, "to help with renovations." That's putting it a but generously, because it looks like all they're doing is painting some support columns, and they're only doing that when they're not talking to the cameras about how good it feels. Jonathan and Connor harmonize, "We've been working on the schoolhouse, a gift from Amazing Race." Giftwise from those two, the school might have preferred a pair of ball gags. It looks nice when they're done, though. Or, at least when someone's done. No way did the racers do all that.
Jonathan and Connor are leaving at 10:15 AM, in first place. Remember that. "You're headed to the Arctic Circle!" Connor reads from the clue. That covers a lot of area; could the clue be more specific? Fortunately, Phil clarifies that they'll be traveling "4,500 miles, from the furnace to the freezer; the city of Kiruna, in the area known as Swedish Lapland." Thank you, that does narrows it down. He goes on to say that because there aren't a lot of planes out of Ghana, the show has thoughtfully provided all the teams with tickets on the same flight, but Phil specifies that the teams aren't required to use them. In case they'd rather walk, I guess. Once they land, they'll drive themselves to Jukkasjärvi and find "the world-famous Icehotel." Because when The Amazing Race starts running low in exotic new locations, they can always just raid the James Bond filmography. We see the Icehotel glittering in the arctic sun as Phil explains that in the winter it "offers a not-even-close-to-warm reception to its guests." Whereas in summer, the ten thousand tons of ice are stored in a warehouse. Oops, maybe coming here in the summer wasn't your best move, Amazing Race. But that's where the racers will find the clue anyway.
As Jonathan and Connor head out, Connor says their graduation will occur during this actual leg. Jonathan claims that missing it is "is a testament to how dedicated we are to this race and how much we want to win it." I don't know, it seems more like a testament to whining about missing graduation. They ask their cabbie to drive faster, but he advises them to take their time. He must know about all the matching plane tickets.
When Gary rips the strip from the second-place clue at 11:19 (more than an hour behind Team Glee), Mallory screams like he took her thumb off with it. They run to cabs while she thanks Jesus, who is like, "Oh, yeah, I meant to get back to you on that hoop-rolling thing. I trust that went okay without Me." Gary remarks in the cab, "We're gonna go from a hundred to zero." The show does like to do that once a season, doesn't it?
Chad and Stephanie are leaving at 11:29 AM, and she's the first person not excited to be going to the Arctic Circle. "Did I mention that I freaking hate snow?" she asks. If not, it'll come up again.
Katie and Rachel are in fourth place, starting the leg at 12:12 AM. Are all the teams' times this spread out? No wonder the show felt the need to bunch them back together. In the cab, Rachel says she's half-Swedish, and as I look at her, the only part of that sentence that surprises me is the word "half." She does know a few phrases in the Swedish language, like "dumb girl, dumb boy, dumb monkey, and Romanian." So she'll be ready for anything, linguistically.
Nick and Vicki are leaving in fifth place, at 12:23 PM. Nick gets in the cab and says to the driver, "Arctic Circle?" Uh, Nick? You only have $184 for this leg, and I think the meter's likely to go a little higher than that. Vicki straightens out that they need to go to the airport, and not to a Ghanaian cul de sac named after a snowmobile manufacturer.
Brook and Claire leave right behind them, at 12:24 PM. Claire explains that they were feeling a little down after coming in sixth place, so they reacted by dressing up in goofy black and hot pink outfits. The camera, playing along, goes all gauzy and slo-mo as they show off their look. Which is going to have to go back in the backpack now that they're leaving the equatorial regions for the opposite of the equatorial regions. "Time to put on some clothes," Claire says. "Rats."
We're back at the Accra Airport with Connor and Jonathan, who are learning that they get to check in at 4:30 and deciding to camp out there at the Lufthansa window. Way to capitalize on that lead there.
Jill and Thomas are the seventh team to leave the mat, at 12:29 PM. Thomas explains his Express Pass strategy: "I'm not gonna panic and just use it until I have to, because then it's a waste." Thank you, Thomas, the only person running this race alone.
Nat and Kat are the eighth team to depart, at 1:12 PM. "My homeland!" Nat sings out as they run for taxis. This probably isn't one of those times when it's necessary to remind you that Nat is the blonde one.
Michael and Kevin take off at 1:26, or not nearly as close behind Team @ as we were led to believe. Kevin says they know they have a Speed Bump ahead, "and we're both very mentally focused right now." Sure enough, once they're in the cab, Michael is looking at their itinerary, which is sending them through Frankfurt. Kevin borrows their driver's cell phone to call the airport to inquire about the earliest flight to Kiruna, and learns that there's one leaving Frankfurt at 7:35 instead of 9:51 the morning. They'll just need to check in at the Lufthansa office when they get to the airport. They are in fact the team we see arriving, and the other teams are just standing around talking, because they're not in last so why bother actually racing before they get to Sweden?
Kevin and Michael decide to let Gary and Mallory in on their plan, I guess on the theory that since they're both father/child teams they should have an alliance or something. Upon learning about the earlier flight, Gary advises Michael and Kevin, "You got a Speed Bump, you got to get this." Yes, I'm sure they'll need that whole two-hour advantage, based on past Speed Bumps that have required people to take on time-consuming tasks like serving tea or soup. Gary's only concern is whether they can make the transfer quickly enough in Frankfurt, so I think that means we'll soon be seeing some airport sprinting. Mallory is tapped to charm some airline employee into getting them on the flight, and after he takes off to make it so, Mallory joshes Kevin, "You gotta have a girl!" I'm sure Kevin would agree.
Lest you think Team YouTube is the only team who's all over everything, Team @ is researching earlier flights on the internet and Brook and Claire are following them around, figuring that they should have thought of that too. "How stupid are we?" Brook asks. Actually, I don't think failing to look for earlier flights makes them look as stupid as wandering around the airport without their backpacks, dressed like a couple of homeless Bratz dolls.
The dad teams get word that they're on the earlier flight, and Mallory celebrates as quietly as she can, although she can't stop herself from smiling so big that her eyes disappear. "I'm so glad I got blonde hair," she says. From a short distance away, Connor didn't fail to notice this exchange, so he and Jonathan go off to investigate. Team @, meanwhile, has successfully booked themselves on the earlier flight already, and they help Brook and Claire do the same. I think the race really wants to finally have two female winners this season -- hence the four all-female teams -- and the all-female teams seem to agree.
Team Glee and the volleyball players find a ticket office to ask about the earlier flight, but learn that it's already full. What? Teams on different flights after the first leg? Inconceivable! Connor says something about this not being the worst graduation day ever, but you can tell he means the opposite. Dude, I was never that excited about my college graduation. Who's the commencement speaker going to be, Stephen Colbert? Kanye West? God?
Everyone gets on the flight out of Accra together, the dad teams talking about how they'll need to run for their transfer. The plane takes off from Ghana in the dark, and an Amazing Red Line heads north to Frankfurt, Germany. It lands in the morning, and the thing we know, the four teams with the earlier transfer flight are rushing through the airport in mad pursuit of their two-hour lead. Most of the other teams who didn't get on that flight wonder what the rush is, because they're idiots who deserve to get left behind. Michael and Kevin try for a short cut through the airport, which is not a good sign, and end up on an elevator. The other teams run to the end of the terminal, although Team QVC (the home shopping channel they work for is actually JTV, but who the hell ever heard of JTV?) has caught one of those electric motorized courtesy carts. "This is the run of our lives," Mallory says with her reliable gift for understatement. Nat and Kat make it to the gate first, followed by Gary & Mallory and Brook & Claire. I notice the latter team doesn't kiss the female driver of their courtesy cart. Michael and Kevin are still in the elevator, reminding us they have a Speed Bump and can't miss their transfer, because you can't be in an elevator without chitchatting. The other teams enter the jetway. Team YouTube is still on the elevator, Kevin now saying this was a bad idea. Not clear whether he means the shortcut or the tighter transfer. Either way, the three lead teams are now not only on the plane, but in their seats, with Team YouTube still on the elevator. How the fuck tall is the Frankfurt Airport, anyway?
But since this crisis was bisected by an ad break, they make it onto the plane. Now they've left behind five other teams, which Jonathan describes as "the bottom chunk." As a refresher, that includes Katie/Rachel, Jill/Thomas, Nick/Vicki, Chad/Stephanie, and Jonathan/Connor in what Jonathan calls "a five-way sprint to not get last." And after finishing the leg an hour before anyone else, too. The only thing I can think of that would be worse than this is missing your college gradua-- oh, wait.
And now we're in Kiruna. Or rather over it, as we see the arctic forests, frolicking caribou, and the city itself. The first flight lands, complete with its green subtitle telling us that the first flight is good, and racers run for the fleet of cars parked there. Seeing their wheels waiting for them, Mallory makes this typically insightful observation: "WAAAAAAHHH!" The four teams hit the road, with Gary & Mallory in the lead, Brook & Claire in second, Team @ in third, and Michael and Kevin in fourth. But then Gary drives on past the Icehotel sign, going "huh?" as Mallory points it out to him. The two female teams make the turn as Mallory makes Gary turn around, snapping, "Told you told you told you!" She's even bubbly when she's irritated. Kevin decides to follow Gary and Mallory. Great plan. Be sure to hit the u-turn at the same spot.
The four women enter the ice warehouse, which is pretty photogenic even in this form. Even if there hadn't been a chick in a Narnian White Witch costume to the table that's holding nine slabs of ice. Or "ice." Brook remarks on the hostess's outfit, "My fiancée calls me an ice princess, I might have to borrow that later," Brook says. Ice princess? I find that hard to believe, even if she weren't leaving a trail of lipstick marks on faces all over the world. The ice slabs are all etched with the letters "PIETARASJÄRVIVÄGEN FJELLBORGS VID VÄKKÄRÄRVI," like a cat walked across the keyboard of the etching machine. Phil says they'll need to "figure out" that refers to Fjellborg's Lodge, where their clue is currently chilling (I will only do that once, I promise). The two lead teams pick up their clue slabs and head out, Brook carrying hers alone and saying, "It's not that heavy." Gary and Mallory get there , and Michael and Kevin see their Speed Bump sign there in the warehouse. And with that, Phil's out in the snow, explaining that this is their "extra task that only they must complete" as a result of coming in last at the end of the non-elimination leg In this case, they'll have to sit on chairs made of ice blocks for ten minutes. Seriously? That's it? I can't see this taking them much more than...oh, ten minutes or so. Kevin's wearing soccer shorts, which seems contrary to common sense when you're traveling to the Arctic Circle, summer or not. "I wish in Ghana we had this chair," Michael says as they perch uncomfortably on the edge of their seats. They look not only cold but hard. Too bad there aren't any frozen gel-packs for cushions.
Out in the parking lot, Team @ find out from a van driver where they need to go, and Gary and Mallory will be following them. Michael and Kevin are starting to get uncomfortable in their ice chairs. Even a DVD of a crackling fireplace playing on the flat screen monitor in front of them doesn't help, although it improves my mood a bit. Kevin complains about the cold, but Michael's strategy of alternating cheeks is serving him well, as is his strategy of wearing pants. But I guess they couldn't send the racers to Lapland and not have them sit down and thus create laps. Soon the Snow Queen tells them their time is up, and they gladly stand, more worried about their frozen assets than the negligible amount of time they lost. "We should have brought gloves and butt pads," Kevin says as he and his dad tandem-carry the ice slab out. Outside, a guy not only tells them where they're going, but gives them directions. "And put some pants on," he doesn't say to Kevin.
Up ahead, the two lead teams are in search of an unmarked trail in the woods, with Claire talking about four women venturing into the wilderness like it's a horror movie waiting to happen. Well, the cameras are all set, at least. Gary and Mallory are also lost, so Michael and Kevin are the first to find the clue box. From last to first in less than half a leg? That's either some awesome racing or a shitty Speed Bump. Oh, wait, it's both. This'll be a Road Block, and the question is, "Who's feeling kind of mushy?" Depends on which of their asses has thawed out more, I guess.
Phil tells us that there's snow on the ground in Kiruna eight months out of the year. Too bad we're here in one of the other four, then. Phil says that during that period, dogsleds are the fastest form of transportation, but they have to stay in shape during the off-season, too. Which is where our racers come in, I guess. Phil looks a little embarrassed amid barking huskies as he says the teams "will find out exactly what it takes to keep these animals in shape during the dog days of summer." They'll use a summer training sled (which has wheels instead of skis) to mush dogs down a trail through the woods. As they go, they'll need to grab five flags hanging from wires overhead, and then trade them with a "hunter" for a shipment of pelts. If they miss any flags, they'll have to do a penalty lap for each one (which is why this region is called Lapland, obviously). Then they'll drive the dogs back to the start of the course and swap the pelts for their clue. Michael is doing this Road Block, which should tell you all you need to know about how physically challenging it is.
Majestic music plays as Michael apparently has to round up his own team. Once they're attached to the sled, he's off to the proverbial races. He calls encouragement to the dogs and grabs flags as he goes, having a great time. Even a bear roaring at him from the side of the course doesn't spoil his mood. Of course it's a fake bear. Fake fire, fake bear -- poor Michael's going to get to a fake mat at a fake Pit Stop and get checked in by a Philbot.
The other three teams who made the first flight here also find the clue box, Mallory either laughing triumphantly or having a psychotic episode. This Road Block will be going to Mallory, Claire, and Kat.
Michael's still having a great time, grabbing his flag. Kat is the to hit the trail, followed by Mallory and then Claire, who reminds us that she grew up on a ranch. "I felt, like, really rough and rustic," she interviews, in another example of the two of them cracking themselves up without actually having to say anything funny.
Michael has found the hunter's camp, and he presents the flag to the hunter, who makes a big show of counting them before giving Michael a smile, a thumbs-up, and a bundle of pelts. Michael heads back from whence he came.
The second flight, the one with the other five teams and its red subtitle, is just now landing in Kiruna. Jonathan and Connor are in the lead of this pack (which in this context means fifth overall) as Jonathan stumbles amusingly over some Swedish street names. I would be bork bork borking nonstop, so I have to give teams credit for holding back on that, at least. Behind them on the road, in single file, are Jill/Thomas, Katie/Rachel, Nick/Vicki, and Chad/Stephanie.
Mallory tells her dogs to slow down, and I'm sure they do because 90% of the time she speaks in a frequency only they can hear anyway. But when she reaches for the first flag, it's too high for her stumpy little limbs to reach and she's going to have to stand on the wheel fenders if she doesn't want to miss the rest of them as well. Up ahead of her, Kat asks her how cool this is. "I'm gonna hook up our great Danes and our pug at my house and do this," she says. Presumably she has a high garden wall back in Kentucky for the pug to run on while the Great Danes run on the ground. It's probably the same wall she uses on walks with her dad. She and her team pass Kat on the course, and so does Claire. Kat had to stop to let them pass, I guess, because you don't want to have a fender-bender driving someone else's dogs.
Mallory's sled thumps to a stop against a tree at the hunter's camp and she presents him with her four flags, which she stuffed down the front of her sweater. The hunter signals her to do her penalty lap. While she's doing that, Claire gets her bundle and gives the hunter a kiss. Apparently she and Brook have a "kiss count" going, and Claire just racked up her sixth. "He was like a Swedish...chief," Claire says, cracking up Brook again for some mysterious reason. Mallory finishes her penalty lap and gets going before Kat gets her furs. Clearly Kat got the runts.
The last five teams arrive at Icehotel at about the same time, and most of them write down the clue and get directions from people rather than schlepping the ice slabs around, although Nick and Chad take the time to wrestle their clues into their vehicles. Which makes me suspect that they're not really ice at all, unless they're expected to get to the mat and present Phil with a cold, wet trunk liner. Thomas is having trouble picking his up, I guess because his is heavier than Brook's or something. Fortunately Jill's there to lend him some muscle. I mean, her jacket.
Michael has finished the Road Block, and he and Kevin are still in the lead as Kevin reads a clue telling them to drive themselves to the Vassijaure Train Station, everyone's favorite Swedish train station (kidding, I've never heard of it and I read every one of those damn Stieg Larsson books). Claire, Mallory, and Kat finish, get their clues, and take off in hot pursuit. Or at least as hot as pursuit can get in the Arctic Circle.
The convoy of racers who were on the second flight is approaching the Road Block clue box, but as Chad says, "Jill and Thomas are nowhere to be found." Everyone parks along the side of the road (there's also a panel truck in the caravan, which is either part of the production or probably very annoyed at all of these slow-moving Americans blocking its way), and when they get the clue, it'll be going to Katie, Connor, Stephanie, and Nick, respectively. They're all gone by the time Jill and Thomas get there, and she's doing the Road Block. "Let's go," he says, and they hurry off in what looks like a randomly chosen direction. "You sure it's this way?" she asks. "Honey!" he impatiently snaps at her as the camera does one of its patented ironic zooms in on the arrow pointing them in the right direction, which they completely missed. You know, we've got a diabetic on this race, and in the past we had a guy with Asperger's, a deaf kid, and that chick with the robot leg, but I think this is the first team to run the race despite being legally blind. If nothing else it explains Thomas's grooming habits.
At the lodge, Connor takes off in fifth place, followed by Nick. Jill and Thomas are still running as fast as they can go in the wrong direction, past a parked camping trailer and into the middle of nowhere. "Did we miss an arrow?" Thomas wonders. You could say that. "It looks like we're running into nowhere," Jill says, and the sentiment is emphasized by a sweeping helicopter shot of the vast wilderness in which they seem determined to lose themselves.
Katie starts the dog-sledding Road Block in seventh, followed by Stephanie, who interviews that she loves animals and has wanted a husky for, as she says into Chad's ear, "forever!" Which would be more sympathetic if she weren't saying this literally over a subtitle that describes them as "newly dating."
Jill and Thomas have at least stopped running in the wrong direction, but they still don't know where they are. Somewhere in Scandinavia, I'm guessing, but beyond that I couldn't say.
After the ads, they decide to run back. "We just totally ruined ourselves!" Thomas bitches. "We just ran a mile for no reason," Jill agrees, and asks if he wants to use the Express Pass. "We don't need to panic yet," Thomas says. Plenty of time to panic later.
The dogsled race continues with the other teams, to the extent that any actual racing can be said to be occurring. As Stephanie says, the dogs are doing all the work, and the only challenge for the racers is being tall enough to reach the flags (sorry, Mallory). Jill and Thomas finally make it, and she's on her way.
Meanwhile, after a long drive across country (about 90 minutes, as far as Google Maps and I can tell), Michael and Kevin have arrived at the train station. There's a lot more snow on the ground here, and they notice that it's cold when they get out of the car, so they must have traveled some distance north. And yet Kevin's still wearing shorts. Detour!
Phil rhapsodizes, "The unspoiled wilderness in this part of the world is not only a haven for people who love extreme sports, but also a refuge for people who follow the customs of their ancestors." Unless those ancestors are from Ghana, I assume. In keeping with this, the Detour is a choice between "Sleds" and "Beds," which have nothing else to do with each other aside from how they rhyme. For "Sleds," they'll take a chairlift to the top of a mountain and then use an "extreme sports gadget called a Techsled" to race down a course in less than one minute and 58 seconds to get their clue. If they biff, as we see a production assistant doing behind Phil while he stands at the finish line, they have to go back up and start over. I don't think the words "extreme" and "gadget" should be used in the same sentence if it's avoidable.
For "Beds," they'll go to a Sami camp near the top of the same mountain. As Phil explains, the Sami are descendants of early Scandinavian nomads, and from what we can see, they still dress like them. Phil says the teams will have to build a "tent-like dwelling" called a Goahte (pronounced "gortee"). I was going to ding Phil for saying "tent-like dwelling" when he totally could have just said "tent," but I have to agree; why say that when you can say "Goahte?" Kevin decides on Beds, telling Michael, "I wish I could do the sled but I'm scared you can't do it, Dad." But you're not bringing me down or holding me back or anything.
Team @ find the clue box , and also comment on the lower temperature here. "We're not in Ghana any more," one of them says belatedly. They're going for the sleds. Michael and Kevin quickly find the Beds Detour and get to work trying to build something that looks like the example standing there, while six to eight Sami watch in amusement. This would be better if it were windier, but once again we have an example of the race coming here during unchallenging weather.
Connor gets his and Jonathan's clue in fifth place. "Your dogs are awesome," Nick tells the host as he also finishes, and gets his and Vicki's clue in sixth. Then here come Katie and Stephanie, and while Chad drives them away from there in eighth, he reminds us that Jill and Thomas have an Express Pass, which may effectively put him and Stephanie in last place. But officially the last-place team is still Jill and Thomas, and they're seriously talking about using the Express Pass.
Michael and Kevin are now working on fastening their tent pegs, so their Goahte at least has the right foot print, even if it's still only a few feet high. Kevin says they've camped before, and points out, "We thought we were building a bed, not a tent." Gosh, why would he think that? It's not like this Detour option is called "Beds" or anything. Michael, always ready to laugh, is currently entertaining himself by putting his gloves on. How did Kevin grow up funny at all with such an easy room?
Gary and Mallory find the train station in third, and they're going for "Sleds." Given Mallory's difficulty with getting her head through the collar of her zip-neck sweater, I think they're wise to avoid anything to do with textiles. Not that being briefly entombed in wool even slows down the flow of her chatter. Brook and Claire are also doing sledding, even if Claire's a little nervous about it. What's the sled going to do, suddenly start going uphill and hit her in the face for no reason?
Nat and Kat are riding the chairlift in what they call their "own private ski resort." I never understand how the race always gets these places to shut down for the day. What do they offer them in exchange, exposure on a primetime American TV series or something? Nat interviews about the breathtaking landscape, which I must agree is a lot more impressive than the photo backdrop she and Kat are sitting in front of. They dismount at the top and soon find the course, with the sleds lined up waiting for them. They basically look like tiny snowmobiles without motors. Nat and Kat don helmets and goggles and get going, and they'd better hope the handlebars on those things work because this course is far from a straight line. In fact, there's a ninety-degree banked turn almost right away, and another turn without a bank after that, and as Nat says after the fact, the brakes are pretty much useless. In fact, Kat hops a bank, crashes into the flimsy fence, and goes rolling out of sight in a shot that looks like she might come to a stop in Finland. Nat doesn't even notice anything's wrong until she crosses the finish line (with an impressive time of 1:48) and realizes she's all alone down there. "Is she okay?" Nat wonders. Physician, heal thyself! A guide skis up to Kat, who's tangled in the flimsy fencing like a fly in a web and is going to have to be extracted. Unlike a fly in a web, preferably.
Gary and Mallory are geared up for their first attempt. Mallory goes careening downhill. Kat's back on course, rejoining Nat at the bottom with a time of 3:36. Yeah, she's going to have to do that again.
Brook and Claire have arrived at the ski resort and Claire spots the chairlifts in the distance. Mallory finished the course in 1:58, and she and Gary are both pretty happy, but that's the time you have to beat, and she didn't, so the guide says she has to do it again. The sign to the clock reads "Vader & Sno Info," which I can only assume announces the times for upcoming performances by the resort's Star Wars vaudeville duo. I bet their two-man reenactment of the Battle of Hoth is killer.
Michael and Kevin have erected their tent, so now they need to arrange the fur beds and the little metal woodburning stove that goes in there. How clever to bring a fire into your tent; it'll keep you from dying of hypothermia, because you'll be dying of smoke inhalation or burning to death instead. Kevin says his feet are frostbitten, because even though he put on proper pants, he's still not appropriately dressed: "I'm wearing ankle socks." Was Kevin not clear on what summer means in the Arctic Circle? Because my understanding is that it doesn't mean "warm" as much as it simply means "daylight."
Nat and Kat finish, this time with Kat making a much better time of 1:55. Not crashing and burning shaved off a second or two there. She gets to open the clue telling them to drive to the Pit Stop, which Phil refers to as "this proverbial line in the snow: the Norwegian border." Wow, that's going to be a chilly place for them to sleep. And of course, the last team to check in may be eliminated. Team @ runs back to their car and heads out.
Brook and Claire are taking their first run at it while Gary and Mallory are behind them on their second. Looks like the course is long enough that teams can make overlapping attempts, which after all is why it's called Lapland. Brook finishes in an astounding 1:34 (miming in an interview how she went screaming down the hill gritting her teeth and flashing her Manson lamps) while Claire completes it in a more sedate 1:43. So they're done. "That was stellar!" Brook gushes. Gary and Mallory both beat the goal time by a wide margin on the second try, Mallory leaning hard to one side and calling it "sidesaddle." The two teams get their clues in second and third place respectively.
Team Glee and Chad/Stephanie are doing the sleds as well. "I'm confident we can both beat the time on the first try," Chad jinxes on their way to the resort. He interviews that he was "pumped," but Stephanie wasn't, this being her first time doing anything like this. But since she knew Chad would love it, "I really wanted to try to hack it for him." Also, he gets a little scary when he's mad.
Nat and Kat have reached the border, and there's Phil with a greeter in Sami dress outside a Goahte. Are all eight teams going to have to sleep in that thing? By which I mean the Goahte, not the greeter. She welcomes them to Riksgränsen, Lapland, and Phil tells them they're team number one. They jump up and down and hug. Phil says, "As you know, when you come into the Pit Stop first, there is a prize." How would they know that? But in this case, the prize is a trip to Belize. Unbelizable! They interview that they want to be the first women to win the Amazing Race. Normally I'd say something mocking here, but given that there have been four legs and four winners this season, I don't think we can rule anyone out yet. Well, except Nick and Vicki. I mean, come on.
Speaking of whom, they and Katie/Rachel find the train station pretty much together, and both decide on the sleds. I find it appropriate that Vicki's in the country that was the setting of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I mean, I don't know that any of her tattoos are of dragons, but given how many she has, and how many tattoos depict dragons, I feel comfortable playing the odds.
Michael and Kevin have finished appointing their Goahte with its fur beds and fireplace to the satisfaction of the judge, so they get their clue in fourth place. Michael has trouble walking through the snow away from the encampment, so I can't imagine he would have done much better in the snow at higher speeds.
It's a tight race for second at the Pit Stop, at least until Brook also slips in the snow. That means Gary and Mallory are the to arrive, showing up in second place for the second leg in a row. That puts Team QVC in third. They're all pretty happy about it. Group hug! Happy! Laughing! Sound guy getting hazard pay!
Jill and Thomas get to the train station and open the last clue in the box. Driving to the resort, Thomas suggests, "We could easily bypass and just kill everybody." Well, not three of the teams. You're going to have trouble catching them this leg.
Connor and Jonathan head down the hill on their first attempt, and it's not until I saw them attempting this that I realized this sledding thing must be harder than it looks. You have to pretty much kneel, and your center of gravity isn't all that low, and it's difficult not to fall off repeatedly. Or at least it is, going by watching Connor and Jonathan. One of them crashes, then both of them, then one of them again. And that's just for starters.
Chad and Stephanie are ready to make a run. Or, rather, Chad is. Stephanie's scared shitless, and the guide isn't helping by warning that it's a fast course and they'll want to use their brakes. And that's before she knows the brakes on these sleds work about as well as those on an inner tube. When the guide tells them to go, Chad leads the way, whooping like a moron while his girlfriend white-knuckles it behind him. He slows down too much and she crashes trying to avoid a collision. "Come on!" he hollers behind him like it was her fault. She crashes again on a banked turn. "Dammit, Stephanie!" Chad screams supportively. While she disentangles herself and her sled from the fencing, she says, "Chad, I'm so scared!" "Well, don't even try or anything," he yells back helpfully. Encouraging.
Connor and Jonathan (with his goggles askew) have finished in about two minutes, so they have to go again, even though they're exhausted after just one attempt. When people talk about taking on a hill, you don't think about the hill literally beating them up, but that appears to be the case here.
The volleyball players and the bikers are at the resort. Stephanie crashes again, and says she can't do this. Chad finishes at 2:42, mostly because he was waiting for her, and mutters, "Ridiculous." He bitches to us, "It's not that bad. She's freaking letting her head get to herself." He should be more understanding, considering how hard he just drove that metaphor into the fence. Seeing two more teams arriving, he screams, "STEPHANIE, LET'S GO!" She says she can't do it, even when he hollers that two other teams have arrived. Do people think that if their partner's scared of something, the way to get through it is to try to be scarier than that thing? Because I haven't actually seen that work yet.
Jill and Thomas have reached the Sami encampment, where they take one look at the tent and start getting worried about how long it's going to take. Stephanie is still scraping down the sledding course while Chad whines, and Jill and Thomas wonder if the time has come to use the Express Pass. Stephanie finally makes it to the bottom intact, and Chad says they need to do it again. She refuses. "I'm done," she says, apologetically but firmly. In other giving-up news, Jill and Thomas hand their Express Pass over to the Sami (who have been waiting these thousands of years for just this moment) and get their clue to the Pit Stop. "See, we would have been done," Jill says. Off they go, confident they made the best decision.
Stephanie is almost in tears as she recounts all of her various crashes to Chad. He's nothing but frustrated with her, even as she starts crying and apologizing. And after the ads, he snots, "All right, come on," and stomps off with her still apologizing and actively sobbing in his wake. Poor Chad, having to do the race with another person.
Michael and Kevin are team number four, and happy to be there. Notice how the field is still divided by who caught which flight?
The only thing keeping Jonathan gong down the hill at all at this point is gravity, and if the slope were less steep he would just be falling in every random direction at once. At least he knows he sucks, as he says in an interview that Connor could do it and he couldn't. That's pretty generous to Connor, who really only sucks less than Jonathan. "I thought I'd end up, you know, in Norway," Jonathan interviews. Down at the bottom, Connor says Jonathan's doing his best, "and that's all I can ask for." Jonathan crosses the finish line dragging one leg, falling off the sled the moment he's clear, and still having only clocked 2:58. Connor wants to go again, but Jonathan's complaining that his ankle is broken. So he couldn't have marched at graduation anyway, then!
Over at the Sami camp, Chad is assessing the situation with a cool, clear eye: "Dammit, Stephanie, this is gonna be a bitch. We gotta hustle." He's glad that at least he was in the Boy Scouts. What happened to A Scout Is Kind?
Nick and Vicki have their helmets on for what is subtitled as their "1st attempt," but if a couple of bikers can't do this, what hope is there for them at all? Vicki understates that they're more of a physical couple than a mental one (which is like saying they're more carbon-based than super-sentient, time-traveling wave forms), and since they like to snowboard and ride motorcycles, they do this pretty well and get their Pit Stop clue in sixth place. Which Connor and Jonathan don't fail to notice from the chairlift above.
Katie and Rachel make a try, and as athletic as they are, to say that snow is not their element would be an understatement. Team Glee is taking another run at it, and after Jonathan crashes into the fence yet again, he's clearly had enough. The volleyball team is, if possible, doing worse; in fact, Katie falls off her sled and it disappears over a cliff without her. Which is at least better than her going down with it. "I guess we're gonna go switch and do the other Detour," Rachel interviews, now that they've lost half their equipment. Jonathan keeps losing control and crashing. As he puts it, "The sled and I did not agree, and it was becoming truly painful." After clocking in at 4:24, they give up. I normally don't support switching tasks, but if it takes you longer with every attempt, you're going in the wrong direction.
Jill and Thomas reach the mat as team number five, and Thomas still thinks they made the right decision even after hearing that. We'll see if he still feels that way as four more teams straggle in. Especially if everyone takes the same flight out of here tomorrow.
Chad and Stephanie are almost done, and are quite happy to see the volleyball team show up. "We're still in it," Chad whoops, so it looks like Stephanie's out of the doghouse. Katie and Rachel get to work attempting something neither of them has ever done before. With the tent itself completed, Chad assigns Stephanie to make the bed while he builds the fire.
Nick and Vicki are team number six, and are thrilled to have slipped back a place.
Jonathan and Connor struggle through the snow to the encampment, and the other teams are pretty happy to see them, obvs. "Hopefully they're not frigging Boy Scouts or something," Katie says. Jonathan interviews that they were thrilled to still have a chance, seeing two other teams still there. While Connor works on the inside of the tent, Jonathan asks him, "Having fun in there?" "Pitching a tent," Connor says. The fail-gong accompanies a shot of the Sami females clearly thinking, That's what she said. Chad and Stephanie are done, and the judges are happy, but not as happy as they are to get their clue in seventh place. "I'm sorry I disappointed you," Stephanie says as they drive off. "You didn't disappoint me," Chad says generously. Easy to say now. I'd be more impressed with his maturity if he said that after getting Philiminated. In fact, he should feel free to hang around until the other teams check in, just to prove it to me.
Katie and Rachel light the fire in their tent, but the Sami judge tells them, "No, not really matching." They have to try again, while Jonathan and Connor seem to be closing in.
Chad and Stephanie come to the mat, Chad hefting that ice slab on his shoulder. Yeah, no way is that really ice. He sets it down with a thud, and Phil tells them they're team number seven. Phil remarks on how happy Stephanie is about that, and she admits she was afraid she would lose it for them. Chad says he shouldn't have pushed her so much, "but we did it, and here we are, still in the race." Well, clearly he learned his lesson.
Katie and Rachel have another look at the example and figure they have the rocks arranged incorrectly around the fireplace. They hurry to wrap it up, whispering about Team Glee, "We are so much better than them." Not today, they aren't. Although they certainly didn't slip in the rankings as much as Jonathan and Connor did. The singers are almost done, but Katie and Rachel have gotten the okay and their clue, in eighth pace. Jonathan and Connor are still struggling as the girls drive off. Connor gets the fire going, and soon they're racing to the Pit Stop in last.
While driving, Katie and Rachel talk about how they thought they were in last. Jonathan says they did their best and it's not over yet. Rachel says they're cutting it close. "We never gave up," Jonathan says, making poignant use of the past tense. Connor reminds him that anything can happen. Except making it to their graduation, that is. They both seem to spot the Pit Stop from the road at the same time, but then Katie and Rachel are seen carrying their ice block to the mat, so they can't be that close behind. When they arrive, Phil tells them, "By the skin of your teeth you are still in this race." I think I figured out why they came here in the summer; here at the Arctic Circle, you can't tell when the last few teams don't check in until nighttime. Obviously it's not dark out right now, but the sun looks nearly horizontal, which might be as dark as it gets there this time of year. "You cut it real close," he tells them as they share an eighth-place hug. Another leg with a lot of churn in the rankings, which unfortunately was needed again because most of the challenges weren't as interesting to watch as they probably were to do.
And speaking of churn, here's the team that went from first to last, thanks to blowing it at the airport and on the sledding hill. Connor and Jonathan slowly march up to the mat, humming "Pomp and Circumstance" in harmony. Oh for God's sake, here. Now shut up already. They are welcomed and Philiminated, to their utter lack of surprise. Connor again says, "We graduated today," claiming that they graduated from Princeton and the race in one day. Uh, I think they only graduated from one of those things. They even throw their hats in the air, giving us a nice close-up of Jonathan's sweaty, disarranged mop, and after Phil shakes their hands we watch them walk away while harmonizing their own annoying version of Amazing Grace as rewritten by Michael Scott: "Through many Detours, Road Blocks, and legs, we are the last team to arrive/And Phil will send us home, goodbye." And they even click their heels together in unison. They should have changed the "many" in their song to "several."
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com