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Tensions rise as the five remaining teams proceed to Singapore, knowing they have a U-Turn to look forward to. Dan and Jordan go for the Fast Forward, crawling across the top of the giant Ferris wheel known as the Singapore Flyer. The other teams all go for a drumming Detour, which the Detectives can't manage, and they belatedly go for the Fast Forward. When Dan and Jordan already have it in progress (and ultimately succeed at it before winning the leg), the Detectives switch to the ice cream-selling Detour. Brent and Caite, meanwhile, finish the Detour first and are way too excited and righteous about U-Turning Carol and Brandy, who don't take this development with a great deal more maturity. The Road Block is basically counting links in an anchor amid multiple distractions that still don't make it all challenging, and then everyone takes a zip line to the vicinity of the Pit Stop. In one of the least suspenseful endings ever, Carol and Brandy are the last team to arrive, and are pretty bitter about being Philiminated this way.
See the fictional cities we think should be part of the Race and then check back soon for the full recap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We're back in Penang, which Phil calls "the northern gateway to Malaysia. First settled 225 years ago by the British, the convergence of Eastern and Western cultures is still prominently displayed in this historic city." Is "settled" really the word Phil's looking for, rather than "colonized?" Because if nobody else was there when the British arrived, it seems like this place might still be called Witherington Spit, part of the East Georgeland Islands or something. Pinang Peranakan Mansion is one architectural artifact of the colonial era, first built 100 years ago as a private residence and now a landmark and museum. And the fact that it's now also the eighth Pit Stop makes it a trifecta.
Having won the leg (despite starting last and having a Speed Bump to contend with), Jet and Cord, the Cowboys, are leaving first, at 10:02 AM. That's a suspiciously decent hour. The clue is sending them to Singapore. Phil elaborates that this will be a four hundred-mile journey by bus and train. This season is proving almost averse to airports, is it not? So am I, of course, and have been for a long time, so I'm not complaining. Phil says their first stop in Singapore will be the Victoria Concert Hall. There, they'll need to find Allan Wu. "Allan who?" asks a handsome young Asian man reading a newspaper outside. Phil explains that Allan Wu is the host of The Amazing Race: Asia, and we get a little clip of Allan Wu kicking off an Amazing Race: Asia as proof. Jet and Cord learn they're getting $190 for this leg, and head over to get a cab to the bus station. "I don't think there's a bigger move you can make than last to first," Cord interviews. Last to host, maybe, or last to Jerry Bruckheimer. That would be a very big move. "I think the ghost riders are back in the saddle again," he says. I'm not using that name for them, even if they are just making a reference to how pale they are.
Carol and Brandy are leaving at 10:12 PM, and the first clue tells them there will be a U-Turn in this leg. A pre-start interview shows them talking about how well they worked together in the leg, which they did, and their hope to "take some of the Cowboys' mojo and leapfrog into first today," which they won't.
Michael and Louie's departure time is 10:31. They're still in their cab, asking the driver to get there first, when Jet and Cord are already boarding their bus to Kuala Lumpur at 10:47. Cord thinks the word printed on their bus driver's baseball cap, "Race," is a good omen. I don't see either up them sneaking up to write "Amazing" on the back of the hat in Sharpie, though.
Brent and Caite are leaving in fourth place, at 10:50. Caite is of course most excited about the U-Turn that the clue promises for this leg, saying she hopes someone will get there before Carol and Brandy and, again using her charming turn of phrase, "U-Turn the _____ out of them." But since Carol and Brandy are alone on the second bus to Kuala Lumpur at 11:00, it looks like it's going to take some doing. It'll call for focus, concentration, and roughly the amount of foreshadowing we're seeing already.
Dan and Jordan open their clue at 11:09 and also read about the U-Turn. In an interview, Jordan explains how they made some decisions in advance, including "we weren't gonna throw elbows." "You saw what thrown elbows got Joe," Dan agrees. Hard to argue. But did the brothers also agree not to win any legs unless absolutely necessary?
All three of the remaining teams arrive at the bus terminal in time to get on the same bus to Kuala Lumpur. Dan and Jordan, who made it in under the wire, take a row behind Brent and Caite, who in turn are sitting behind the Detectives. Dan asks, "Who are you guys most concerned about the U-Turn?" I interpret that question as being about who might U-Turn them, but Michael jumps on this chance to make his argument that Carol and Brandy need to go, for whatever reasons he has that continue to escape me. "But they've come in first zero times," Jordan argues, which Michael with his three wins claims is irrelevant. Clearly his whole "get rid of a team who's a threat, which we are not whatever your lying eyes tell you" position is less successful with non-morons. However, the argument's target market, Caite, agrees: "I'm a hundred percent U-Turning the lesbians if we get there first," she brags to Dan and Jordan. "Because they're lesbians, is that what you're saying?" Jordan asks mildly, which I kind of love. Brent and Caite are shocked, shocked at the very idea that their antipathy for a team they refer to exclusively as "The Lesbians" might be connected in any way with that teams sexuality. Caite claims it's because they're so mean to her. Jordan, in an interview, tells us how much he's not buying Carol and Brandy as a threat. "We really, deep down, I just don't think they like them that much," he says. And apparently it's not as "anonymous" as Brent claimed. What I like about this interview shot is that in the distant background, a gigantic Ferris wheel is visible, and Jordan is positioned in such a way as to make it look like a giant halo around his head. I bet I don't love it as much as Jordan does, though. Caite says, as the bus's door closes at 12:00, that she doesn't mind being the only girl left in the race. Brent agrees, "After all the ____ she gets." Yes, that would certainly strike a blow for feminism, to get rid of the other two women.
Without benefit of an Amazing Red Line, Phil tells us they're all on their way to Kuala Lumpur, and thence by train to Singapore. A shot of the Petronas Towers announces the Cowboys' arrival in the Malaysian capital, and they learn at the ticket counter that the train leaves at 9:30 PM. And we know what that means as well as the Cowboys do: one full bunch, courtesy of Malaysian Railways. Jet and Cord find their berths on a sleeper car. The other teams board in what, in TV time, appears to be one second later. "It doesn't smell very good," Carol says through a plugged nose on the platform. The teams react differently to the surroundings, with Dan and Jordan brandishing disinfectant wipes. "Dude, can I have one?" Brent asks from off-camera. Michael, however, is happy to be on his first sleeping train. "What happens if you fart?" Louie wonders. Which I'm sure Michael is thrilled to hear from the bunk right below him.
The Amazing Red Line belatedly shows up to trace the route from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. As the train approaches the station, there's dramatic, Dragnet-like music as Carol and Brandy make their way up the aisle, hoping to cut through to another car or something to have a better position when it's time to exit. Which would probably not go over well no matter who was doing it, but since it's Brandy and Carol, it just serves to the Detectives and the Miss Team USA as another example of... well, whatever it is that supposedly makes them so horrible. Michael claims that they're being "bullied," which is a little strong coming from a gigantic police detective who feels threatened by a couple of women trying to scootch past him. "Wrong crew to bully," Michael tough-talks. Brent adds. "Ladies get their way, bitches don't." Well, that's gentlemanly of him.
The train pulls up at Tanjong Pagar Station, and it's a wild scrum out of the station. Caite takes a tumble on the steps and goes down, but seems unhurt. Louie and Michael get a cab first, and tell us so. The other teams seem to be having more trouble, but Carol and Brandy get their taxi . Dan and Jordan cab up in third, and Dan says, "It's my kind of city. Super clean." Yes, I believe we have the canings to thank for that. Brent and Caite catch a cab in fourth, and he makes sure she's all right, each of them blaming themselves. "I cut you off," he says. "I'm so clumsy," she says. What happened to the bickering blamers? Again, Jet and Cord get their cab in last place. Which, for them, is probably becoming a sign of good luck.
Louie and Michael get to the concert hall first. They go right to the box office, asking where Allan Wu is. The person behind the window helpfully responds, "Who is Allan Wu?" to arrive are Carol and Brandy, followed by Dan and Jordan. But since the brothers are the first team to actually check in front of the building, they're the first to find Allan Wu. He hands over a yellow envelope. Fast Forward! No, not the show. Although you can, if you want. I'm here to tell you what you missed, after all.
"This is the Singapore Flyer," Phil says over a shot of that giant Ferris wheel, "the tallest observation wheel in the world." Oh, excuse me, it's an observation wheel. Pardon moi. Standing with it in the background, Phil says the team who uses the Fast Forward may see the Singapore Flyer as a "giant wheel of fortune." Somehow it resists what must be an overwhelming urge to climb down off its frame, roll over, and crush him. He says the Fast Forward team will ride it all the way to the top. So far, so good. "Then, at the height of 541 feet, teams must exit their capsule and walk along a metal beam to the capsule over." Say what? Actually it's crawling, and along a horizontal ladder, but why split hairs when we're a tenth of a mile above the ground? Dan and Jordan agree to go for it, possibly because they don't know what they're actually going to have to do yet. Don't you love these tasks where the race shuts down some international attraction for a day so the racers can use it to do stuff that would get normal people arrested?
The Detectives, Miss Team USA, and Carol|Brandy are all wandering around inside the concert hall and the auditorium, looking for Allan Wu. Whither Wu? The Cowboys arrive , just behind Louie and Michael when they finally find him. Michael has no time for Allan Wu's charm, rushing him to hand over the clue so they can get out of there in second place. Right behind them, the Cowboys take the time to shake his hand even though they're in third. Along with the Fast Forward, this will be a Detour, and the choice is between "Pounding the Drums" and "Pounding the Pavement." Funny, in my country the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Phil narrates, "the people of Singapore live in two different worlds at the same time. One world is filled with ethnic traditions. The other with the pleasures of modern living." For Pounding the Drums, the teams will go to a park called Speakers' Corner (more colonialism!) and "both learn a complex routine on traditional drums." Little kids in Chinese costume are seen playing these drums with short, fat sticks. "When their drum teacher [one of the aforementioned kids] thinks they are ready, they can perform the routine with a drum troupe and receive their clue." As for "Pounding the Pavement," there's not a lot of actual pavement pounding to do. They'll go to a pedestrian mall and pick up supplies that include sun umbrellas, plastic patio chairs, and ten boxes of ice cream. These they will bring to an ice cream "uncle cart," which I guess is what they call vendor carts in Singapore. They'll have to sell 25 ice cream sandwiches made in the local style, which means a big brick of ice cream with either cookie wafers or a slice of Wonder bread wrapped around them in what Phil calls "the local style." And that's Singapore's version of the pleasures of modern living, I guess. The ice cream "uncle" will give them the clue after they sell all 25. Jet and Cord decide on the drums. "We'd rather just match the other teams head to head," Cord interviews by way of explaining why they're not venturing into the mysteries of the Fast Forward. Louie and Michael make the same decision, although probably not for the same reason.
Brent and Caite wander around inside the building some more, then find Allan Wu out front. "You're the first lady I've seen. Good luck," Allan Wu tells Caite. I assume he means the first lady racer he's seen today, not the first lady he's seen ever, unless he's from a part of Asia I don't know about. They also decide on the drums, but it's all secondary to going after The Lesbians.
"He's a very handsome man, he's hard to miss," Carol says as she and Brandy walk down a stairwell inside the building. What kind of lesbian is she, anyway? Plus, Carol knows all the Amazing Race hosts? Although I guess it's not exactly going out on a limb to say they're all probably handsome. Brandy peeks out the window and sees him sitting down there in the front garden with his back to them, and they figure he's the guy. "We've been looking for you," they say when they find him. He looks at them over his sunglasses, a gesture that for some reason is accompanied by the sound of the fail-gong. Maybe that's just the show's way of pointing out that this guy can't do the eyebrow. Carol and Brandy agree to pound the drums, not thrilled to be in dead last. But what about Allan Wu? For all we know, he's got a mat of his own to get to today.
The Cowboys reach Speakers' Corner first and tell their cabbie they'll be right back. "I hope we're right back," one of them says as they run into the park. Miss Team USA arrives , followed by the Detectives. When the Cowboys enter the park, a young drum troupe is performing on the stage of the park's bandshell, complete with dancing dragons. The Cowboys run up to a group of three drums on the park's green, one for each of them and one manned by a local tween boy who's going to be teaching them. He starts pounding out the rhythm, which from what we hear is pretty basic except for a few taps to the side of the drum instead of the head at certain points. He starts teaching them, slowing it down enough to count out the beats for them. It doesn't seem to be helping, even though he's counting in English. Caite, meanwhile, is shaking her ass while she drums to help her with the rhythm. "Can't sing worth crap, but I'm really good with rhythm," she interviews. No word on how good she is at counting, but I think we can guess.
Carol and Brandy's cab drops them off, and they arrive at the park to see three other teams already there learning their routines . "Dammit to hell," Brandy says. Of course, they can't see how badly Louie and Michael are sucking at this. "I have absolutely no rhythm, I can't dance, I'm as white as white can be," Michael interviews. Which explains why they picked this Detour, right? Carol and Brandy's teacher turns out to be a preteen savant who rattles off the cadence at high speed with dead eyes. "He's smoking crack!" Brandy says, and they ask him to slow down. He does, but he still won't count out loud for them, so Brandy wants to switch teachers. "Thank you very much, you're fabulous," Carol tells him as they leave him to it. He's left standing there shrugging his drumsticks, like What? Louie and Michael are also leaving their instructor, but in their case it's because they feel they have no hope of completing this at all. So they decide to try for the Fast Forward, which is just about the dumbest move possible. "The only one we gotta worry about is Daniel and Jordan," Michael says, deluding himself into thinking they might have chosen ice cream. Because Fast Forwards are generally in such low demand.
Dan and Jordan, contrary to what Louie and Michael might want to believe, arrive at the Singapore Flyer, and are ushered into one of the "capsules." Which, as it turns out, is a metal-and-glass cylinder attached to the wheel's outer circumference and is about half the size of a train car. The Aussie-accented guide waiting inside invites them to step into harnesses. Jordan's like, harnesses? and asks what they're supposed to be doing. I'd make a dirty joke here, but it just wouldn't go with the innocent world of rainbows and haloes and bovines named "Box" that Jordan seems to live in. "Climbing from one car to another," the guide says matter-of-factly. Jordan is a little freaked out. Even here on the ground, the car over looks like it's kind of a long way off.
The Detectives are still en route and hoping the for the best as the ride goes into motion with the brothers on it. Jordan says he thought they were just going for a ride, which is not something I'd expect from an Amazing Race fan and student like himself. Jordan says it'll be fine. Once they're at the top, 541 feet in the air, Jordan wonders half-jokingly, "Can the cars get a little closer?" They do look even farther apart up here. Jordan tells Dan, "So maybe now is a good time to tell you that I've just discovered I have an intense fear of heights." Well, what better time?
Louie and Michael arrive at the lobby level of the Flyer (notice the little Christmas tree off to one side) and ask the guide at the front desk, "Are the boys already here?" "Once you're up there, you will know," is the only response she gives, which makes Michael get his whine on. High above them, Jordan paces the car, while the Detectives have a suspenseful elevator ride to the boarding level. When they emerge, there's a red card in front of the instructions sign: "Fast Forward in progress." Obviously they're pretty frustrated, even though they should have seen this coming. And when Louie and Michael return to their cab waiting outside, there's no driver in it. Looks like he's off on a bathroom break, Which is ironic, because now it's the detectives who look ready to shit their pants.
The driver comes running back after the ads. As they climb back into the cab, Louie says, "We're just gonna bang the ice cream out." Funny, isn't that what the driver was just off doing? "Cabdriver looks like he wants a lot of ice cream sandwiches, huh?" Michael hints hopefully.
Dan and Jordan have reached the top of the Flyer, and Jordan is more scared than ever. Dan hugs him and reassures, "Hey, if you fall and die, I love you." Jordan climbs the ladder to a rooftop escape hatch, and then has to descend another ladder hanging from the side of the capsule so he can get down to the rim of the wheel. Pretty windy up here, obviously. He gets down on his hands and knees at this end of the horizontal ladder, reminding himself, "A million dollars, a million dollars." As afraid as he's acting, he looks like he's making decent time.
Brent is getting frustrated with the drum lesson, but Caite tells him to focus. He's ready to take another run at it. Jet and Cord are also struggling, but not communicating well with each other. It's like those two teams have switched bodies. For a dose of normality, Carol is also getting frustrated, and is starting to agitate to switch tasks. Brandy points out there are still two other teams there. "I don't think I'm gonna get it," Carol insists. Not with that attitude, she isn't.
Dan, looking even frattier than usual with the bill of his baseball cap sticking out under the back of his safety helmet, watches Jordan reach the second car at the far end of the horizontal ladder. "That was and will forever be the scariest thing I have ever done in my life," Jordan tells us once he's safely inside. "I'm just surprised I didn't pee myself." At least it's windy enough that nobody would have noticed, at least until a small yellow cloud became visible over the harbor. Dan follows more quickly, and Jordan gushes about how amazing he is. "I could have run this race with anybody else; it could have never been the experience that I'm having with my brother." Dan drops into the second capsule, they hug, and take the one clue out of the clue box that's in there with them.
Phil says that Dan and Jordan now get to skip everything else and go straight to this leg's Pit Stop, Marina Barrage. As always, we don't find out anything about the Pit Stop at Fast Forward time other than what it looks like, which is a giant, spiral-shaped expanse of concrete and grass. In fact, Jordan can see it from their capsule as they descend. "Phil, we'll be right there," Jordan mock-calls, as though Phil can hear him. Which, given how much Phil always seems to know about the leg's goings-on when the teams arrive at the mat, he just might.
Louie and Michael arrive at the sidewalk supply depot for the ice cream task and load up, Michael hurrying Louie along as usual and already calling out sales pitches to passersby, like he's going to get them to follow him to their cart and wait around while he and Louie get set up. They soon find the pedestrian mall and an ice cream cart. They start setting up the umbrellas and other supplies, Michael hollering like a carnival barker. "You're the maker and I'm the yeller," he tells Louie, as if any other division of labor would make sense; Louie's lungs would give out about halfway into his sales pitch. Louie starts cutting the contents of small ice cream boxes into thirds, which results in a brick about the size of a half-pound of butter. Michael yells they're a dollar each (a Singapore dollar being worth about 72 cents U.S. at present), which is a pretty good deal for the amount of ice cream they're getting, even taking into account the amount that's certain to melt down customers' forearms in this tropical climate. After their first sale of two, Louie joins in the barking: "Ice cream from some crazy Americans!" Truth in advertising.
Hurrying to disembark the Flyer, Dan notices the "Fast Forward Taken" card now in front of the instructions sign. "Taken by who? OHH!" Jordan jokes in the elevator. They jump in a water taxi, happy with how things are going. Hard not to be. You don't often see teams fighting after successfully completing a Fast Forward.
Jet and Cord get their teacher's approval and head over to the stage, uncertain they can pull this off. Brent is satisfied that he has it, and they resolve to try it right after the Cowboys. Jet and Cord have to squat down over shorter drums up on the stage. "These are different than what I'm used to playing," Jet says, as though he's got years of being in a drumline program rather than experience that stretches all the way back to when they arrived at the park. They start, but Cord loses the beat. That means Brent and Caite can take a turn. Carol is getting closer to getting it, and keeps reminding Brandy, "You said stay here. We're screwed." Not sure how that's helping. They stop to watch as Caite and Brent do their drum routine correctly, or at least correctly enough to earn a clue, which as we've seen in past musical and dance challenges, is not necessarily the same thing. Both other teams look disgusted from below. Brent and Caite read from their clue, "Time to fill in the blank." Oh, they're having lunch? No, Phil says they'll need to find a park at the intersection of Penang Road and Orchard Road to find their clue. Caite is fairly vibrating with excitement at the possibility that she might be able to U-Turn The Lesbians. "That's all I care about!" She really does work that moral high ground, doesn't she?
Dan and Jordan's water taxi arrives at a dock outside Marina Barrage, and they start running up the big grass spiral that's like an outdoor Guggenheim. Jordan keeps telling Dan to slow down and wait for him. "Don't show me up! It's a team!" He could have run this race with anyone else, and I'm sure some of them would have run slower. They arrive at the mat, and an attractive local greeter welcomes them to Singapore. After they thank her, Phil tells them they're team number one, and their prize? A "motorbike" for each of them. "And you can use that after the race," he adds. Yeah, seems like using them during the race would give them kind of an unfair advantage. "There is no chance either of us will ever even step on that for a second," Dan says. Phil asks if they're kidding. "Our mother would kill us," Jordan says. Phil gives them a look like, aren't you guys voting adults? and Jordan remembers to say, "We love it, we love it, it's good." So at least their mom also raised them to act grateful even for gifts they can't use.
Louie and Michael are still moving the ice cream sandwiches, and have gotten rid of ten by now. Michael's working the crowd hard.
Caite nearly has a spontaneous orgasm upon reaching the park with the U-Turn sign, with no pictures on it. Phil explains how U-Turns can appear at the end of a Detour, and are designed to let one team slow down another by making them go back and do the Detour option they didn't do. Or, in this case, allow one team to avenge itself for some petty grudge it's holding against another, by making them go back and do the Detour option they didn't do. Phil reminds us that the last U-Turn was a blind one, "But this time, they'll have to put their own picture on the board," Phil warns, "and suffer the consequences of having their identity known." Alas, those consequences will consist of precisely dick. Caite announces their decision to U-Turn Carol and Brandy like she's just been handed a bouquet and a crown. Yes, I said crown. I know they're called tiaras, but apparently the word "tiara" seems to trigger an irrational, long-term berserker rage in the woman. As we're about to see yet again; in an interview, she maintains her position that Carol and Brandy, "this whole race, have just said negative comments to me. "As proof, we get a black-and-white flashback to the first episode, and the story of the lame tiara crack that is apparently the entire history of their alleged mistreatment of her, which Caite has been carrying a grudge for ever since. "Sometimes it does get personal in the race, "Brent says. "They're the ones who brought it on themselves," Caite gloats, like she has no choice. Whatever. She's a whiny asshole. Nine legs of this race, dogged by cameras throughout, and the one example on record of a rude remark from The Lesbians that she knows about is that tiara crack, which, knowing Carol and Brandy's sense of humor, was obviously meant as a joke anyway? I mean, how can Caite Fucking Upton of all people not have any sense of humor about herself whatsoever? She's got a long, hard existence ahead of her if that's the case.
Anyway, now that the high point of the race is behind them (even if they do win [which they won't]), Brent opens the clue that reads, "You're being put in dry dock. " I wish. Phil says they're just going to a shipyard to find their clue. Brent is feeling almost as good about this as Caite: "They didn't care to try and be friends with us, so I think we made the right choice," he says in the cab. Solid thinking; why slow down either of the teams who have won three legs each, if you can get rid of a team that didn't try to be your friend instead?
Louie and Michael have sold 15 ice cream sandwiches, and have ten to go. Up comes their cabbie to buy out their remaining stock. That turned out to be a pretty expensive potty break he took earlier. Michael is positively giddy as he bags them up and they get their clue. I'm sure this will be at least partly reflected in the driver's tip, which seems like an ethical gray area to me; is that really different from buying the ice cream sandwiches from yourself? But then so does not having it reflected in the driver's tip. In any case, I'm going to let it go. And so will the show, since it doesn't seem to have anything explicit in the rules about money laundering.
Carol and Brandy practice the drum routine to the satisfaction of their teacher, and head up to the stage. "I asked you to leave this an hour ago. Let's see if we can beat the Cowboys," Carol says. They do, even though Carol loses it at the end. After taking all this time to get their drumming synchronized, they read the clue in spontaneous harmony: "Last Pit Stop city and Orchard Road," it says. Oh, that's what it meant by filling in the blank.
Louie and Michael's cabbie drops them off a block or more away, so they're wandering the city. A camera zooms in on the Penang Road sign. So Carol and Brandy find the clue box and the U-Turn first, with their faces on it. "They U-Turned us, cause you're prettier than she is," Carol tells Brandy, which, I wouldn't go that far, and then gives the other team's picture on the sign an open-handed slap. In an interview, Brandy bitterly says, "It's flat-out stupid. But let's be honest: she hasn't built a career on intelligence." Carol agrees, "She's an idiot, she's on YouTube to prove it." Ouch. Of course, they don't really have a history of turning the other cheek with each other, so why should they go easy on Caite?
After the break, they get back in their cab talking about what a dumb move that was, since they haven't won a leg yet. "You play the game smartly, you eliminate the stronger teams, you don't keep the stronger teams in to wipe their asses up." She had me and then she lost me. "Wipe their asses up?" In their post-leg interviews, Carol still thinks it doesn't make any sense, and Brandy says it can't be explained. "Stupid is as stupid does," she interrupts, and then goes into a dopey imitation of Brent going along with Caite in a David Letterman "dumb guy" voice that makes even Carol cringe a bit. "It's Brent and Caite Gump," she says. Somehow she forgot to include the word "Crikey" in her performance, though. In the cab to the other Pit Stop, Carol tries to look on the bright side with Brandy as they face what they need to do . "With your charm, let's sell some sandwiches." "____ with the charm, right now," Brandy snaps back. "Okay," Carol smiles, charmed.
Louie and Michael find the clue with the U-Turn, and Michael's happy to see that "Brent and Caite did what they were supposed to do... good job, kids." How proud he is.
Brent and Caite have arrived at the shipyard, specifically the building of a company called ASL Marine. Which sounds to me like CBS's hit crime procedural, about an elite group of Marines who solve crimes not despite, but because of, their profound deafness. Instead, it's just a Road Block. No sooner have they opened the envelope than Phil starts telling us about Singapore being one of the busiest ports in the world, which makes sense given its location. "Now teams will find out just what it takes to work these docks by performing a roadblock that appears simple, but has the potential to drive them crazy." Oh, dear God, are they going to be operating cranes and moving shipping containers? Evacuate the city! But Phil says they'll be "inspecting an enormous anchor chain." For cracks, or stress fractures, or what? Nothing even that technical; Phil elaborates that they have to count each link in a giant chain that lies zigzagged on the dock in the hardhat area (the right answer is 521). Caite sends Brent to do this one, which I'm sure has nothing to do with my earlier remark about her counting skills. Besides, she's so happy at having finally U-Turned her nemeses that she could get shot in the face right now by a gun that shoots poo and not stop giggling. They both have to change into boots, gloves, hardhats, safety glasses, and red coveralls. Caite waits behind barricades in the waiting area while Brent is led over to the chain. He starts counting, having to contend with distractions in the form of guys using a hammer and a power grinder on steel plates for no reason other than to make a lot of noise, as well as a voice calling out random numbers over a loudspeaker. Brent says he wrote down a note on his clipboard every time he reached a hundred. He doesn't mention that he also yelled at everyone to shut up at every hundred, because we can see that for ourselves.
The Cowboys take another run at the drum task, and Cord throws his hat in victory as Jet collects the clue.
Carol and Brandy are dropped off near the ice cream supply dump. "There's an ice cream truck right there," Brandy says, and takes off in that direction before Carol's even out of the cab. By the time Carol is out of the cab, she's wondering where Brandy is, and ends up running to catch up. Brandy snaps at her for not listening. Good, snipe at each other. That will help. So that's what they keep doing. Carol says, "Bitch" at one point, though it's not clear what part of speech she's using it as. They find a cart, but Brandy complains about the location, flatly refusing to set up at a spot with no shade. Carol sets up their umbrellas, and look! They have shade! It's like magic! They start selling, and Carol's sales pitch takes a different angle than Michael's. "Ice cream sandwich, there's no swine flu!" Well, sign me up.
Michael talks about the success of their master plan. "We had everybody convinced that Carol and Brandy were a bigger threat than us, which is great." Louie says it would be nice to be in the final three with the Cowboys and Brent and Caite. Because they're idiots.
Brent counts 521 on the first try, so this can't be as hard as it looks. He signs a clipboard to get their clue, and they're on their way. Phil says they need to find "Mega Zip," which is on a place called Sentosa Island. In the cab on the way there, Brent says it's do or die time: "That's the most important time in the game to focus and do what you gotta do and focus on you, and that's what we're gonna do." Thanks for that incisive analysis. I'm just stunned they're even still in the race.
The Cowboys arrive art the clue box, and are happy to see they weren't U-Turned. Cord even says, "Poor Carol and Brandy... saved us." That old alleged feud that Carol and Brandy supposedly had with the Cowboys back in South America seems kind of quaint now, doesn't it? They're in fourth place as they head to the shipyard.
Some dude way-too-excitedly says he'll buy two ice cream sandwiches from Carol and Brandy, and the music goes all sixties game show as they serve them up. They keep moving them out.
Louie and Michael ask their cabbie to wait for them outside ASL Marine. Michael says this has to be his Road Block. He has Louie read the rest of the clue to him while he digs through his backpack for a pitch counter that he apparently uses in his other life as a Little League coach. The part Louie reads to him while he's doing this is about the clipboard he needs to complete the task. Michael finds his counter in one of the side pockets. He gets counting, but without the clipboard. So why did he have Louie read the rest of the clue to him?
The Cowboys get there . "'Who's ready to add some stress to their day?' That's me, "Jet says after reading the initial clue question. Which is odd, because he looks like the more stressed of the two.
Carol and Brandy are still serving up ice cream sandwiches, except Brandy just dropped the knife they use to cut hunks of ice cream. Into the trash, no less. Carol fishes it out. "Just drop it in the water," she says. Fortunately Singapore is a super-clean city, so much so that even the trash isn't dirty. After a quick shot of Jet counting links over at the shipyard, we see Carol and Brandy selling their 25th treat and getting their clue, and doing it without having to involve their cabbie. Now back to where they were U-Turned.
Brent and Caite's cab reaches Sentosa Island, which the sign over the gate describes as "Asia's Favorite Playground." They soon find the clue box and open their clue. "Zippity Doo Dah!" they read. Indeed. Phil clarifies that they'll "launch themselves" from a tower platform above the "jungle canopy" of Mount Imbiah, then take a 1200-foot ride down one of the longest and steepest zip lines in Asia. Is it really a "jungle canopy" if it's in the middle of an amusement park?
Carol and Brandy are riding back to the clue, the former being philosophical: "Some things don't make any sense, I'm to going to worry about it," Carol says. Brandy "agrees," "I'm not going to try to crawl into that brain, because, um, 'the Iraq and Iran...'" I don't think that's quite what Carol meant. Returning to the clue box, one of them invites the cameraman, "Get a good long shot of that bitchy mug." Brandy harshly mocks Caite some more in their post-leg interview, saying Caite looks like Cruella De Vil in her photo and throwing some highly dramatic poses for sarcastic effect. "You can just see the hunger in her eyes to be recognized as the model that she is. 'With my long blonde hair, I can be the prettiest! Such as!'" Carol is smiling, but cringing at the same time. They're not exactly covering themselves in glory here, but I think it's apparent that if they had wanted to be mean to Caite before this, we'd know.
Brent and Caite make the top of the launch platform. They're strapped into their harnesses beneath pulley wheels that will roll along the cable above them. "Three, two one," says a ride operator and yanks on a release cord, which is just about the opposite of "launching themselves." Both of them go zipping down the line, over the trees and a lagoon, and finally to the far side where they are deposited in loose canvas troughs. "I beat you!" Caite gloats. She declares it "wicked cool," and tells the people at home she needs to "pick my wedgie" before they go down to the beach to collect her clue from a young local woman. How dignified. Now it's off to Marina Barrage, which Phil says is across town. "This majestic structure at the edge of the sea is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in here may be eliminated." The sign near the mat says, "Singapore, Republic of Singapore," which I guess is the downside of having a leg in a city-state. Brent and Caite hail a cab to Marina Barrage. Along the way, they congratulate themselves, and Caite says "It's not just about me being the last girl, but I think it'd be really cool if I was." Cool for whom? Not women, that's for damn sure. Brent agrees, because what else is he going to do?
At the shipyard, Louie keeps calling out to Michael, "Don't miss one! Don't miss one!" because what Michael needs right now is more numbers being yelled at him. Michael finishes and goes to the table to tell the guide 521, but since he doesn't have a clipboard, it doesn't count. The guy sends him off to find it, and Michael goes off to look for it. Good thing he brought that counter along, right? Otherwise he would have been paying attention to the instructions about the clipboard.
Carol and Brandy arrive at ASL Marine, still in last. Carol will be doing this one. Cord wonders what Jet's writing down while he counts. The Cowboys finish up and get their clue just seconds before the Detectives, who have found their clipboard after going all the way back to the changing room. Carol starts counting. Jet urges their cabbie to get going quickly, but Louie and Michael's cabbie has gotten going even more quickly; indeed, he has already left without them. Can't get much faster than that. Seeing another waiting cab -- the driver's telltale striped cap makes him easily recognizable as the one who's been driving Carol and Brandy -- Michael makes an attempt to poach it. "They said they're all set," Michael lies to him, but the driver doesn't buy it. Michael tries some even more unlikely lies: "They don't want you to wait. Please, they're very mean. They won't like you. They'll be mean to you." This works as well as one would expect, because "foreign" and "gullible moron" mean two different things. Michael announces that they're screwed.
But they're okay right after the ads, because Michael asks a woman in another cab if they can take hers. "It's an emergency," he claims, which is another gray area for me, but when he offers her twenty U.S. dollars and she accepts, I have no problem with that whatsoever. He's even going to have Carol and Brandy's driver call the dispatcher to have another cab come pick her up, which is a nice little value-add. The detectives are finally on their way to Sentosa Island, and Michael says this was the "most stressful moment, knowing that Brandy and Carol are right behind us." He's just terrified of those women, isn't he? "If we don't beat them there and finish this fast, then we are screwed," he explains. Also, he finds them terrifying.
Brent and Caite's cab is arriving at Marina Barrage. He kisses her on the forehead. "Thank you," she says, suddenly all sweet. They run around and up to the mat, and are happy to be team number two. Of course, they've come in second before, but this is the first time they've come in second and got to stay there. Phil brings up the U-Turn, because it's part of his job. Caite claims she did it "because this whole time they have been really rude to me, they have said nasty things to me." Just nothing ever on camera. Rather than asking for any examples, Phil remarks, "It looks like they picked on the wrong team today." Oh, Phil, don't encourage her.
Jet and Cord arrive at the Mega Zip clue box in third place. Back at the shipyard, Carol's trying to count links while Brandy keeps telling her to go faster. She gets 521, and they're off. As they walk back to the cab, Carol says, "We're in a race here, we're not done." Maybe running would be in order, then. Once in the cab, Brandy tells us about how Louie and Michael tried to gank their cab. "but he's a really good guy and he stayed with us." For all the good it's going to do them.
Jet and Cord are cut loose, and they zip hatless and whooping to the bottom. Apparently their hats are waiting for them there, so they re-lid themselves in time to open their clue, and run to catch a cab to Marina Barrage, wondering where Louie and Michael are already. Good question.
In fact, they're just arriving at the front gate of Sentosa island. Much is made of the driver asking directions from the ticket booth lady, like they're going to get lost enough to give Carol and Brandy a chance to catch up. "It kind of looks like Disneyland," Brandy observes as their cab approaches the front gate. There's more footage of the Detectives asking for directions, and the ladies are out of their cab and doing the same shortly thereafter.
Jet and Cord reach the mat. "How about team number three?" Phil offers. They'll take it, especially after what Cord calls "our drumming episode." "Apparently it was so pathetic...," Phil agrees. Jet says, "The closest thing to a musical instrument we play is the radio." Phil throws his head back and laughs like he's never heard that one before.
Back at Sentosa island, the last two teams are still schlepping along in one of the show's least suspenseful conclusions ever. We're just going through the motions at this point. I mean, the episode title is "Dumb Did Us In," which nobody has said yet, and which of the two teams in the race for last is more likely to say that? Unsurprisingly, Louie and Michael find the Mega Zip clue box first. Michael hurries the always-winded Louie along, saying, "We'll rest on the ride down." Carol and Brandy find it , of course. Louie and Michael are cut loose. "I love you, Louie!" Michael hollers across to his partner as they zip down in perfect sync. After they land, Louie points out the "really hot girl" holding the clue down on the beach below the landing platform, and the Amazing Editors give her teeth a little fake sparkle as she smiles at us. They get their clue in fourth place, Louie totally smitten. Think he'll come back for her?
Down come Carol and Brandy, "How come you're going faster?" Brandy wonders. "I weigh more," Carol says, which doesn't explain how Caite outpaced Brent unless she was allowed to carry her grudge against The Lesbians even on the ride. After landing, Carol and Brandy get their Pit Stop clue. But Louie and Michael are already in a cab to Marina Barrage, Michael busting out one of his favorite lines: "Drive it like you stole it." He tells us, "If we're still in this race it'll be luck." What happened to controlling their own destiny? Meanwhile, Carol and Brandy are also getting in a cab. The Detectives' driver, whose name is Roy, says, "You guys will come in first, right?" Yeah, maybe leg. Louie says he just doesn't want to go home yet. Meanwhile, Carol and Brandy are killing time between tasks in what has become their standard way this leg, namely bitching about Brent and Caite some more. "I have no respect for the way they played their game because frankly I don't think they have a game. I don't think they have the intelligence to put together a game." Carol joins in as they rattle off various popular expressions for stupid and crazy people. They're not exactly going out of their way to prove Caite and Brent wrong, are they?
The Detectives are arriving at Marina Barrage. We're led to believe that Carol and Brandy are too, and right behind them on the run up the spiral. And then, up on the windswept hill, Phil and the greeter see Louie and Michael struggling up to them. They're team number four, still in it. Although he doesn't mention that they're only still in it because of the U-Turn. Which I guess worked out for them after all, so I stand corrected.
Finally, here come Carol and Brandy, and they are duly Philiminated. Brandy immediately goes off: "There is no reason for Caite and Brent to have U-Turned us. They got to the U-Turn before two of the teams that have consistently won, and they choose to U-Turn us? Dumb did us in, that's all I can say." There it is. Phil points out, "She said that you were rude to her." Brandy doesn't deny it, but she says, "I'll be rude to her now, because it just doesn't make any sense." Assuming she ever sees her again. I'm a little disappointed they're out of the race, because otherwise maybe they could have asked Caite for specific examples, since it doesn't seem like anyone else is going to. Carol interviews, "I think there'll be a point in the not-too-distant future where we can get over the stupidity of today and just enjoy the richness of the experience." Yeah, I think that will be in the less distant future for Carol than for Brandy. They hug each other on the mat. "And I'll translate that into first-grader language for Brent and Caite," Carol's interview concludes. Okay, then, stay classy!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com
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