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The racers are bussed overnight into the middle of the French countryside, where they have to find first a bakery, then a World War I reenactment Detour. Nobody wants to do the Morse Code half of the Detour (except Brandy), so nobody does -- except Joe and Heidi, and that's only because Michael and Louie U-Turned them. Because there's no Road Block this leg, that's all that's left to do before riding bicycles, 1903 Tour de France-style, to the Pit Stop. Jordan and Jeff, who are already way behind, have to shore up a section of trench for their Speed Bump. They're still doing that when Brent and Caite try and fail to check in, having skipped a clue, and while Joe and Heidi are still trying to decipher their dots and dashes. Brent and Caite hold onto their sixth-place ranking, but Joe and Heidi are defeated by Morse Code, and suffer a phield Philimination. That's one message they don't have any trouble receiving.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Phil welcomes us back to Hamburg, whose Cliffs Notes (Amazing Race Edition) are pretty Beatles-centric. He reminds us that the Fab Four first played here at the Indra club in 1960 -- and there's Non Lennon, Ring-faux Starr, Forged Harrison, and Paul McCart-not posing picturesquely on the stage behind him -- as he reminds us that this was the fourth Pit Stop in a race around the world. So did the racers have to sleep in the bar? Alas, no; we see them loading their backpacks into the cargo hold of a motor coach as Phil narrates, "During the Pit Stop, teams boarded a bus in Hamburg, Germany and traveled to an unknown destination." Oh, another moving Pit Stop. I approve. And sleeping in a bus is even worse than sleeping in a bar, speaking as someone who has done both. Okay, except for the sleeping in a bar part. As the bus rolls through a rainy night, Jeff interviews that he and Jordan are currently in last place and have a Speed Bump ahead of them, but he's confident they won't be coming in last. Especially if there's a blank-stare task, which Jordan is clearly practicing very hard for. In the back, Joe is icing his sore knee and boasting that the other teams are "Not gonna hinder me at all... imagine when this thing improves." Up ahead of them, Michael and Louie aren't enjoying listening to that. In fact, Michael seems to be taking it personally, and interviews that he hopes to give Joe a reality check. Back in the bus, Heidi adds that they've been finishing in the top three even with the bad leg. "I need some quiet up here," Louie calls back. There are chuckles, but he's totally kidding on the square.
The Amazing Red Line meanders, without any comment from Phil, down from Hamburg to Les Monthairons, France. Not that Google Maps identifies the country, but even if the name of the city doesn't exactly look Japanese, the first shot there is of the French flag flying overhead. Then there's a shot of some countryside, and a huge-looking chateau in a foggy morning, and then Louie and Michael opening their clue in front of it. "We believe we're in France," Michael interviews before the leg starts. "We know we're south and southwest of Germany." By the way, for this leg he is wearing a t-shirt that is emblazoned with the recycling logo and the word "Karma," which I normally wouldn't comment on but feel obliged to, given what's coming later. They're leaving at 9:35 AM, and the clue tells them to drive themselves to a place called Ste. Menehould. Phil adds that they have to find Boulangerie Defontaine (nice French pronunciation on Phil, by the way -- you can really hear the phlegm), and buy a fresh baguette to receive their clue. As they get into a nice Mercedes, Michael interviews that this race meshes nicely with their usual work schedules. "You might get some sleep, you might not. You don't get to wash your clothes, you gotta go dirty, you don't eat a full meal... we live that life every day." Add involuntary and frequent contact with human bodily waste, and he just described the life of a new parent. The Detectives flag down a postal worker for directions, on the logic that, "Who knows the streets in the area better than a postal worker?" As long as you don't mind following directions that you have to sit on the wrong side of the car to understand.
Steve and Allie are leaving in second place, at 9:55 AM. Steve interviews that at 57, he's the oldest person left in the race. "Until I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm 25 years old." Then avoid mirrors at all costs. In their car, Steve quizzes Allie on what a baguette is. She answers, "a long piece of bread," and accuses him of not knowing what it is himself. Either way, he does now. I hope you enjoyed your weekly allotment of Steve and Allie.
Joe and Heidi are leaving in third place at 10:14. As Joe limps behind her across the chateau's yard, Heidi interviews about what sets them apart from the other teams, which is their unconditional love and patience for each other. Does she have it in for Carol and Brandy or what?
Jet and Cord leave at 10:36, and enjoy the crisp new $20 bill they find in the clue. "We were on the bus last night from Hamburg to here," Jet says. "Wherever here is." Then they turn in sync to look behind them, as though hoping to recognize some scenery from Inglourious Basterds or something. Reading the clue in the car, Cord wonders what a "bag-oo-ette" is, and Jet thinks it's a pastry. At this point, they're just hoping they'll get to eat it.
Carol and Brandy are leaving at 10:44, and after reading the French words in the clue, Carol wonders, "How many languages have we butchered?" Well, in the larger sense in which "we" equals "all Amazing Race teams collectively," that answer would have to be several thousand. Including, at the top of the list as the most frequent victim, English (not that this team is generally guilty of the latter, but you know what I mean). In a pre-departure interview, Brandy says it's them against the other teams, not them against each other. Yeah, she talks big.
Dan and Jordan leave at 10:57, in sixth place. And they're more excited than we've seen them all race to see that at last, they've been issued a car with an automatic transmission. Apparently, during their interview, someone has asked them why they keep finishing near the back of the pack. They interview that this is a marathon, not a sprint, so their goal is to not get eliminated. At least they've been successful in that thus far. In the car, Jordan hopes that with their allowance of twenty dollars, the baguette they're going to have to buy isn't too expensive.
Michael and Louie have reached the town, where they get out of their car and cross the street to the bakery. "Boulangerie Defontaine?" they ask the grizzled baker behind the counter. The camera zooms in on his chef's jacket, upon which is embroidered the name Gilles Defontaine. They get a baguette, and Michael asks for a clue. "Bon chance," is all Gilles will say. Michael cracks open the baguette, and there's a little clue in a plastic bag baked inside. It reads, "Find La Main de Massiges." Phil says they'll find their clue there. Exiting the shop, Louie and Michael belatedly spot the sign over the door reading "Defontaine," and enjoy their baguette on the way to the car. Louie thinks they're going to a massage place, but Michael has his doubts. In a sense, they're both right; they will be worked over and receive a thorough pounding.
Steve|Allie and Joe|Heidi are in town now, and Joe is saying, "This bagel place has got to be somewhere." Even if it's not a bagel place. They stop for directions, and Joe tells her to wait up for him while his knee warms up. That's certainly a solid strategy. They encounter the other team, and find the Boulangerie and get their clues more or less together. "I think it was worth it just to get the bread," Heidi says as they walk back to their car in third place. Do these people not get fed at all?
Brent and Caite are leaving in seventh place, at 11:36 AM. They stop to buy a map at a gas station, and as they return to their car, Caite says, "He said just to continue straight down... this road." The ellipsis marking the point where she completely and visibly loses all confidence in what she's saying. Caite interviews, "We're doing everything great, it's just the fact we like to think we know where we're going when really we don't." Ah, yes, Jen and Kisha syndrome. Caite is already anticipating her baguette, saying, "I'm definitely gonna eat the crap out of it. Just shove it in my throat." Sometimes she makes this too easy.
The Detectives are approaching the Massiges, which looks like a World War I battlefield, complete with soldiers in period uniform. Over grainy, washed-out footage of these very reenactors, Phil narrates, "At the height of World War One, this strategic hill, coveted by the Germans and fiercely defended by the French, was the site of intense fighting." That makes sense. Now the racers will have to dress up as American "doughboys" to join the battle, whichever Detour they choose. Phil stands stooped over in a trench because he's so damn tall as he names the Detour options: "In the Trenches," or "Under Fire." For "In the Trenches," the teams have to enter, you guessed it, a trench. They'll then need to find one of the "communication areas," which is a (possibly fake) telegraph with a couple of pairs of headphones attached. With guns and bombs going off all around them and the goddamn Red Baron buzzing them at low altitude, they'll have to decode a message in Morse Code, using a supplied field manual. I could totally do that one, as long as the message is "SOS." Or "So." Or "Os." Either way, I'd be golden.
For "Under Fire," they have to crawl across a muddy field, staying low under barbed wire for a hundred yards. Then a French soldier in a machine-gun nest will hand them a message. Not to spoil it, but we get a glimpse at said message, which reads, "The war is over. Vive la liberté." They will then have to crawl back with the message the way they came, again staying under the barbed wire even though the war is supposedly over. At the end of both Detours, the teams will attach their messages to a homing pigeon, "who will deliver the news to headquarters that the war is over." Those pigeons can fly all the way back to the CBS home office in New York City? Impressive range.
Michael and Louie's Morse code is a little rusty, so they're doing "Under Fire." They don't fail to notice that the bottom of the clue reads, "Caution: U-Turn Ahead!" They go into a tent to change into their uniforms, which Louie finds to be tight. I think we know who got the lion's share of that baguette. "Let's just get through that field, buddy," Michael says, looking pretty impressive in the uniform, wide-brimmed helmet, and assorted gear hanging from him in every possible way, and even a rifle in his hand. I assume it's a replica, or else there aren't enough time penalties in the world to prevent teams (and possibly even some partners) from taking each other out. They're off to the battlefield.
Heading into the village, Carol and Brandy are right behind the Cowboys, and Dan and Jordan are right behind them. "Five bucks says it's inside it," Jet says as they get their baguette in fourth place. Cord gives him his props. They try to open the little plastic clue-pouch in the car while Dan and Jordan get their clue in fifth, followed by Carol and Brandy in sixth, who, to compensate for their unimpressive ranking, at least have better French.
Brent and Caite get there , in seventh place. "Yay, we get food," Caite says. They eat it in the car. "I'm really glad it doesn't have any crazy crap in it," she says. She'd just eat that crap out of it, though, as promised earlier.
Steve and Allie find the Detour clue box in second place, and decide to do the crawling. Joe and Heidi make the same call, despite Joe's bad knee. "When did you last study Morse code?" he asks Heidi as he limps along behind her to the costume tent. "Never," she admits.
So now the reenactment begins in earnest. Lots of reenactors look busy in the trenches, plus there's a dogfight going on overhead between a biplane and a familiar-looking Fokker D triplane of the kind made famous by one Manfred von Richthofen, otherwise known as the Red Baron to fans of Peanuts and frozen pizza. Louie and Michael look pretty overwhelmed by all this noisy, dirty, highly kinetic verisimilitude as they jog onto the scene, where patches of ground keep doing unnerving things like exploding. "Feel like I'm storming the beach at Normandy," Michael says. Louie coughs tiredly, and they dive under the wire, while the mayhem ramps up. "It's a lot like what we do as detectives," Louie claims in an interview. Dude, I am never going to Providence if that's true. "I think we're fighting the Germans, right?" Michael asks. "World War II, the French fighting the Germans," Louie "confirms."
The mist seems to have burned off a little bit as the last-place team, Jordan and Jeff, open their clue at 12:17 PM. Jeff tries and fails to read the word "Boulangerie" from the clue, then gives up and points to the word, saying, "that." Since he's famous for not knowing how to pronounce "coup d'état," this is hardly surprising. Jeff interviews that they're the best team (even if the results thus far don't bear that out), and Jordan says she'll now try ten times harder because of the extra task they have to do, "and if we don't complete that, we're done." So, duly primed with determination and can-do spirit, they get in the car and immediately get lost. Oh, you two.
After the ads, they're still circling a roundabout. "Big Ben, Parliament," Jeff cracks. At least he knows how to deploy a pop-culture allusion properly. Eventually they seem to find a road that they're happy with, figuring they'll be fine as long as they don't deviate from it in any way. Although Jordan threatens to shoot herself if they end up at another roundabout. "We can't get down now, we just started," Jeff points out. Hey, don't underestimate yourselves.
The war is raging, with Michael calling back to Louie, "I hate the smell of sulfur in the morning. Come on, Louie!" Louie is so out of breath he's coughing and spitting as he drags himself along. But afterward, he gives Michael credit for motivating him during the task. I bet live ammo would motivate him, too.
Steve|Allie and Joe|Heidi are on their way to the battlefield, Joe painfully aware that his knee is slowing him down. That llama back in Chile has a lot to answer for.
Michael and Louie have spotted the foxhole where the soldier is waiting below with a convincingly haunted expression. Michael vaults down and the young man hands him a slip of paper about the size of something from inside a fortune cookie, reading "The war is over. Vive La Liberté." Michael suggests Louie go first on the return trip, which will allow Michael to scream encouragement up his ass.
Steve|Allie and Joe|Heidi enter the almost literal fray. Joe says he plays horsey with the kids a lot, so he was right at home crawling. Do the kids usually kick him in the knee to start things off? Louie and Michael start crawling again, and as a bomb goes off a few dozen yards in front of them, Louie says, "The war's over, you can stop now!" They exchange friendly greetings with the other teams as they pass on the way back, which kind of undercuts the whole fog of war vibe the show is going for here.
The 75% Alliance (Carol|Brandy and Dan|Jordan) reaches the Massiges parking area at about the same time. Both teams are doing "Under Fire," and with Brandy being the lone holdout, they're 75% excited about it.
Jet and Cord arrive in sixth place and opt for Under Fire. Starting to see a pattern here. Michael and Louie emerge from the barbed wire, and hand the message to a stout pigeon-keeper waiting for them. He lets Michael put the rolled-up paper into the carrier tube on the bird's leg and it is sent on its way. Wouldn't it be nice if the front-line soldiers could tell the brass that wars are over rather than the other way around? I bet the wars would be a lot shorter then. Opening the clue, Michael says he'll take care of the reading, given Louie's breathless condition. "Head south down the road to receive your clue," is all it says. There's a Route Info subtitle that simply says, "Head South," over a shot of a signpost pointing N and S in opposite directions. Is that simple enough for everyone (Brent)? Michael checks his watch compass and they head downhill, sliding a bit on the muddy surface. When they get there, Michael reads, "Blind U-Turn." And here's Phil, to explain that the U-Turn can be used to slow down another team by making them do the other half of a Detour. And since this is a Blind U-Turn, "The team that uses it can remain anonymous." Not if they're in front, they can't. Michael and Louie debate not whether to use it, but on whom; "Joe, or Steve?" What are Heidi and Allie, passengers?
Those two aforementioned teams are just getting their messages as Michael tells Louie to make the call. "Joe and Heidi," Louie says, and the music gets all dramatic. In an interview, Michael recalls Joe's confidence during the "mobile Pit Stop." "He needs to be humbled. Period," Louie declares. So it's not Joe's knee that will end up holding him back this leg, but his mouth. Michael slaps Joe and Heidi's picture up on the sign and interviews that he didn't come to make friends. Well, mission accomplished. "I came here with a friend, I'm gonna leave with a friend." He might have wanted to change out of that "Karma" shirt before making that speech, is the only thing. The clue tells them to turn around and find the church of Massiges.
Brent and Caite are driving along, looking lost until Caite spots the faux-dogfighting airplanes low over the horizon. "They're up in some sort of flying things," Brent marvels, apparently unable to recognize an airplane if it's more than a few decades old. They're all excited, probably thinking they get to go up in those "flying things" themselves, so it's probably a bit of a letdown when they get their Detour clue in seventh place and find they're just going to be crawling. As they change, Caite says she feels like she's about to model army clothes. "Out of style army clothes," she amends. Make it work!
Walking to the battlefield, he-Jordan wonders, "Should we pretend like the enemy is chasing us and walk a little bit faster?" Dan's up for that, and they start running. "They're right behind us, suh," Jordan dorks, like a kid playing make-believe. Dan tells him to shut up. Thank you, Dan.
Carol and Brandy, meanwhile, are distracted by the Red Baron flying twelve feet off the ground -- and Carol's unraveling foot-wrapping -- and find themselves getting passed on foot by the Cowboys. He-Jordan calls ahead to Dan that he can't keep up the pace Dan is setting. Dan reminds Jordan that running was his idea, and Jordan yells that he doesn't want to any more. "It's not like, run, let me prove a point, I'm faster than Jordan in a fricking World War I Uniform!" They keep bickering all the way to the start of the course, when Jordan says, "I'm having so much fun right now." You're such a tool!" Dan says, giving him a playful shove. So I guess they're actually cool, or at least their version of it.
The Cowboys are starting their crawl, and Carol|Brandy are just getting to the start of the course. "You're out of your mind on this," Brandy snaps at Carol. Carol retorts, "It's physical versus the needle in a haystack, we can do this!" They start off, Brandy bitching the whole way. There are several teams out there now, being subjected to noise and smoke and showers of flying earth and all manner of dramatic editing. He-Jordan says he doesn't know why they're getting shot at. "They're Nazis," Dan says, displaying a Louie-like ability to distinguish between World Wars. Jordan pauses to ask a reenactor if he's okay. "Just checking on my fellow soldiers," he says. "I'm gonna kill you if you don't shut up!" Dan laughs from up ahead.
Jordan and Jeff are just now driving into Ste. Menehould, and Jeff wants Jordan to pull over so they can find the place on foot. Jordan says that would be a waste of time, and Jeff demands, "Where are you driving to? Do you have a better idea driving?" Obviously that's a rhetorical question, as Jordan isn't really an idea person. They seem to find the shop shortly after getting out, and Jeff carps at her for not listening to him. Then they buy a baguette in the shop, and Jeff seems disappointed not to get anything else, as in, a clue. The baker all but gives the game away, pointing at he bread and saying in French, "No, that's it," and then pointing to his own name on his jacket to show they're in the right place. Looking again at the clue, Jeff asks, "Is this fresh?" like the problem is that he mistakenly bought a stale one. Finally it occurs to him that maybe they have to eat it, so he starts nibbling on one end of it. It's going to take him a while to find the clue at that rate. Finally he breaks it across the middle like everyone else, and cackles at his discovery of the clue inside. Jogging back to their car, Jordan says something to Jeff through a mouthful of bread. Now, as you know, a lot of dialogue on this show is subtitled when it doesn't sound very clear, or if there's a lot of background noise, or when the speaker is a Harlem Globetrotter. This is one of those times that the Amazing Editors feel subtitles are called for. And what the subtitles have for us this time is, literally, "?????" Even the subtitles got nothing this time.
Back at the battlefield, Steve and Allie get their pigeon to fly off in second place. They read their clue, just as an exhausted Joe and Heidi (or, put more accurately, Heidi and an exhausted Joe) emerge from the barbed wire maze. They're in third place -- for now.. Steve and Allie reach the U-Turn sign , and are surprised to see that Joe and Heidi got dinged. "Someone got you," Steve tells them as they approach down the hill. Joe says he never expected this. Commercials. One might almost say he'd been humbled.
After the ads, Allie remarks that Michael and Louie were the only ones ahead of them, and Joe tells us that they think it was indeed the Detectives, "So we're gonna go ahead and do the Morse code." Of course they're trusting that it wasn't Steve and Allie who U-Turned them, but thinking otherwise would have required the father-daughter team to get some screen time, and we all know that's not about to happen. Heidi interviews that she thought Michael and Louie they were "nice cops," and that they had a good rapport with them. Aw, how charmingly tone-deaf. They go and find the entrance to the Morse code task, and Joe interviews that he can't wait to "give them some difficulties" when it's his turn. With that fiery vow, they enter the trenches.
Michael and Louie find the church, and the clue box outside. Phil narrates, "with the war behind them, teams will now pedal themselves to victory." He reminds us that the first Tour de France was in 1903, so in keeping with that, now the racers will wear put on "traditional riding gear" -- flannel pants and long-sleeved t-shirts, with helmets hidden by big poufy hats -- and ride antique bicycles, "built more than a hundred years ago." Of course, state of the art in 1903 looks a lot like my mom's bike. Phil describes the ride to the Pit Stop as a "challenging four-mile course," and admirably refrains from sneering, given how Phil himself rode his own bike on a challenging three-thousand mile course across the United States last year. Oh, and did I mention it's a ride to the Pit Stop? I guess after creating this whole big expensive backdrop for both Detours, there wasn't enough money left over for a Road Block. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated," Phil says. But for the third time in five weeks, they won't be. Then there's a little scene with Michael and Louie struggling to change, and Michael has to help Louie get his WWI pants off. Like I needed to see that. Then, after getting into costume again, they paste on little handlebar mustaches and go to the starting line, where they get started off with a real starters' pistol. Just what they needed to hear after getting shot at for an hour or so. Riding to the Pit Stop to the sounds of ragtime piano music, Michael says, "If we can get rid of Joe, that's a good day."
Joe and Heidi get started on decoding their message. "Vive...La...Liberty," we see Heidi transcribing while Joe holds the codebook. "Hopefully that's it." The two brother teams are getting their message from the guy in the machine gun nest. Joe and Heidi present their version of the message to the birdman, and he shakes his head at them. They head back for another try.
Jordan and Jeff are lost, so they flag someone down to ask for directions. "We were just there!" Jordan protests as Jeff returns to the car, telling her to drive back the way they came. Jeff tells her to relax; they'll catch up, but not with that attitude. I'd say not, Jeff, with that partner.
The two brother teams are trying to stay alive. "It was pretty real for a Detour," Cord interviews, impressed. Brandy is taking every barbed-wire snag as a personal affront, saying, "Seriously, I'm so pissed off about this right now." She interviews bitterly, "I don't have to prove myself physically, nor do I want to." Carol gets their message, and before they head back, Brandy complains, "Not what I signed up for." Oh for fuck's sake, go home then. On this show you sign up for whatever gets thrown at you.
Brent and Caite are heading across the course now, and Caite's having a great time. I certainly can't ever fault her for her attitude towards the tasks. In that sense, she is the opposite of Brandy, who reminds Carol, "If it isn't abundantly apparent, I'm pissed as hell that I'm running around in the middle of a muddy field!" Why would she think that wasn't abundantly apparent? I'd even go so far as to call it cornucopically apparent. "Smart people do Morse code. Dumb people do this!" As if to prove her point, she sees Miss Team USA coming their way. "More stupid people!" Brandy says in a post-leg interview, so she can't even blame her bad grace on the heat of the moment and the hell of war or what not. Caite in turn interviews that she doesn't like "Those mean lesbians." Well, first, that's kind of a loaded phrase, and secondly, I'm not convinced Carol is mean. Brandy, on the other hand, seems to have forgotten her plan to remember that Carol is not her enemy, even when other enemies are pretending to shoot at her.
Joe and Heidi are still doing the Morse code when Dan and Jordan watch their pigeon fly off, putting then in third place. "I don't know if he had to fly in my face," he-Jordan complains. Joe says they were frustrated watching other teams leave, but "It gave me a drive." Carol and Brandy read their clue aloud in perfect harmony, which is not a phrase I normally associate with them.
Steve and Allie head down the road on their bicycles. Up ahead, at the end of the course, Phil stands with a guy who looks like the mayor of the town in front of a full police marching band. And if the quality of their musical performance is any indication, there had better be no crime in this town. Michael can hear the music as they approach, and he urges his exhausted partner along. Phil dances and laughs with the mayor as the Detectives coast to the finish line, park their bikes, and half-jog stiffly to the mat. "Welcome to [something] France!" the mayor says. "I'm gonna die, Phil," Louie says. Phil says, "once again," and holds up a single gloved finger. They're team number one, and they've each won 55-inch HDTVs. Phil says they're the team to beat now, with two first-place finishes in a row. In fact, they've won as exactly many legs as the Cowboys, who have yet to come in ninth. Michael claims that they're representing law enforcement all over the world, which I'm sure the international law enforcement community would not have appreciated as much had Michael said this when they were still circling the drain. Phil brings up the U-Turn, as though they're going to feel bad about it, and Louie declares, "There's sheeps and there's wolfs. We're wolfs." They howl to prove it, and also to distract me from how many times in that sentence I should have inserted the word [sic].
Back at the battlefield, Joe and Heidi are trying to listen through their message again. No matter how many times they do it, it refuses to slow down for them. On the way to the clue, He-Jordan is over this whole task, saying, "I don't like guns. I like swords." I just bet he does. He complains about a pain in his right foot, as the Cowboys pass them at a jog, calling out, "Adios." The Cowboys reach the church in third place and come out in their French costumes with an "Ooh la la." At least they didn't say "Eau, mon gravy." He-Jordan reads the clue outside the church, "'Proceed to la Pit Stop.' Okay, it didn't' say 'la.' I added that." Too bad.
Jet and Cord are on their bikes again, which they prefer horses to. "You don't have to pedal a horse," Jet says, which explains a lot about the only time I ever tried to ride one. Dan and Jordan take off behind them, Jordan complaining that the starter's pistol has just rendered his deafening complete. "Do I look like Lance Armstrong? Or do I look like Lance Armstrong?" Jordan asks. Is there a third option? Carol and Brandy start off in fifth. Riding along, Brandy says waspishly, "You take spinning three days a week! You should be kicking ass at this!" Mildly, Carol says, "Thank you for that sweet tone." Meanwhile, Steve and Allie arrive for what is becoming their traditional second place finish.
Joe and Heidi are still struggling with the Morse code task as Brent and Caite open their clue in sixth place. "Head south down the road to receive your clue," they read. An ominous music cue accompanies a shot of that directional signpost, as Brent says, "South on the road, right?" After walking for a bit with her shadow behind her -- which tells me right there she's facing west -- Caite tells Brent to figure out which way is south. "That's north," Brent says, consulting his watch compass. "This is south," he adds, turning ninety degrees. Not a good sign. As they trudge off, he says, "I wonder if they meant just south, like, as in a direction or just south as in, just go that direction." What would the difference be? And why couldn't it be south, the direction to go in, or even possibly the direction of south for to be of the taking? There are so many possible interpretations here.
Jet and Cord check in as Team number three, and are happy to have moved up a slot. I'm happy to have not heard the Heroic Cowboy Theme for an entire episode.
As they ride along, he-Jordan is explaining to Dan that every minute they're late to check in is another minute at the "pit start." Dan tells him to shut up all the way to the finish line. They are team number four. "Our pattern continues," Dan says, whatever that means.
Jordan and Jeff reach the battlefield parking lot, Jeff painfully aware that "If we don't pass somebody, we're out of this race." He says they have to do the Speed Bump first, and gives a little "Aw," at the cute picture of them on the Speed Bump sign. Way to find the bright side.
Phil's back in the trenches to explain about Team BB11's Speed Bump, which they have to do as a result of "having been spared elimination." Phil tells us a little about the importance of trenches during World War I, and how Jordan and Jeff are now required to reinforce a section of the trench wall using some long, stripped branches that will be supplied to them. When they've done it to the Army engineer's satisfaction, they get to continue the race. And let's just be glad it's not real soldiers whose lives depend on the handiwork of these two.
The two of them are changed into their costumes and gear and outside, and Jeff snaps at her, "Tie your shoe. Come on, Jordan." She bends down to do that while he holds both their rifles. Just like an impatient dad with a dilatory toddler, only with more rifles.
Carol and Brandy are laughing about something as they arrive on the mat. I guess it's the moustaches, although I would have expected their sense of humor to be more advanced than that. Phil tells them they're team number five, and they hug wearily.
Jordan keeps having parts of her getup falling off, with her helmet dangling from its chinstrap and a long length of foot-wrapping dragging in the dirt. "You gotta be joking right now, right?" Jeff marvels. I don't see Jordan's sense of humor as being that advanced.
Brent and Caite have found a clue box. The problem is that it's the clue box at the church, which they went to without ever seeing the U-Turn clue. Not that they see anything wrong with this. They continue on obliviously.
Jordan is now sitting in the middle of a field, trying to get her whole situation together, while Jeff waits impatiently, still holding both their rifles barrel-up, with the stocks braced on the ground. "Jordan!" he calls impatiently. "Don't talk to me now," she says. Totally deadpan, Jeff lifts up one if the rifles and mimes putting the muzzle into his mouth. Okay, that's funny.
Brent and Caite are off on their bike race, congratulating themselves on how well they did today. A little early for that.
Jordan and Jeff struggle to the battlefield. "Honestly, what's wrong with you?" Jeff asks his slow-moving girlfriend. Joe and Heidi are encouraged to see another team showing up, and in fact the feeling is mutual. Team BB11 starts weaving their long, green branches into the planted uprights while Joe and Heidi listen to more of that beeping sound that they'll be hearing in their dreams.
"Hey, baby, do I look hot with the little mustache?" Caite asks Brent. "Do you want to still kiss me?" Brent says yes, "But after the race, please shave it." Are we still talking about the mustache? They unload their bikes at the finish line, and are welcomed to Something, France. Phil tells them they're the sixth team to arrive, and they're glad to hear it. "However," he adds, and a drum thumps ominously. They're like three for five now on actually checking in properly. Phil tells them they didn't get their clue after the Detour. They exchange a blank look as Phil says they need to go get it before he can check them in. "Oh, my God," Brent says. Caite just stares at Phil gormlessly, precious seconds ticking away while the two teams still behind them inexorably approach. Okay, they're not, but they could be.
After the ads, Phil tells them they need to get the clue sending them to the bicycles. "Go as fast as you can." On the bike ride back, they're both persistently confused.
Joe and Heidi are still working to decode their message, as a bomb goes off close enough to cover them in dirt. "Jeez Louise, honey," Heidi complains, just like a real WWI soldier. Joe tells her to be calm. Elsewhere in the trenches, Jordan and Jeff are still working together to shore up the trench. Joe and Heidi decide to try "Victoire," and that's another swing and a miss for them. It's becoming increasingly obvious that they're just picking a few letters out of the mix and guessing the rest. Jordan and Jeff finish their Speed Bump, and Jeff leaves it up to Jordan to pick the Detour option, probably because he knows she'll pick the same one he wants to do. "I want to do 'Under Fire,' I don't want to translate," she says. They head off in that direction, unsurprisingly. Jordan sometimes has trouble translating spoken English into something she can understand.
Caite and Brent reach the starting line, still insisting they went south according to the compass. I would have more sympathy for their position if Michael and Louie hadn't also followed a compass and ended up in the right place.
Joe and Heidi try "Vive la France" and get nowhere. Jeff and Jordan are just about to start the "Under Fire" Detour. Seeing this, Joe is motivated to give it another try, now that they know they have some time. What else were they going to do? Sit in the trenches and snuggle?
Caite and Brent reach the U-Turn, and are happy to see they are not on the receiving end of it. Which would have been a total waste of a U-Turn anyway.
Jeff tries to coach Jordan on her crawling technique. "This sucks!" she says, just trying to keep her helmet on. Joe and Heidi are so desperate they're trying numbers and transposing dashes and dots at this point. Jordan is falling behind. Jeff solo-interviews, "I have a one-in-eight chance of winning a million dollars. You pick anyone off the street and give them those odds, they might have a little more hop in their step than Jordan does." Well, sure, she's already won half a million dollars on this network once. Back on the field, he orders, "Put your boobs on the ground and drag 'em over here!" That's a t-shirt, right there. Joe and Heidi are still struggling, and Heidi interviews, "We're not stupid people." Which must be true, since she felt the need to say so. Jordan and Jeff reach the end of the course, and now that soldier in the machine gun nest is looking bored rather than haunted. They get their clue, and look pretty discouraged upon realizing that they have to go back the way they came. Jeff sends Jordan ahead this time, and she goes dragging her gun instead of holding it in front of her like Jeff advises. When they finally get back to the birdman, with Joe and Heidi coming out for yet another try behind them, Jeff wittily asks the birdman, "Is the war over because of this message, or because it took us so long to get here?" Their pigeon takes off. No such luck for Joe and Heidi, whose guess of "The war is over" proves wrong. "It's probably very simple and we just can't get it," Heidi says ruefully. "So unfortunately, we're going nowhere." The race seems over for them as Jeff and Jordan open their clue, now in seventh place, and seemingly about to be saved by a lucky break for the second leg in a row. Jeff reaches the U-Turn sign first. "Someone U-Turned Joe and Heidi," Jeff says. "Oh, that's why they were over there." If he follows that line of thinking to its conclusion and realizes that's also why he and Jordan even got to see another team this leg, we don't get to hear it. Joe tells Heidi it might be non-elimination. Not likely, two weeks in a row. Jeff tells Jordan they're still in it.
Brent and Caite ride back to the Pit Stop, and are told they're officially team number six. In other words, they went all the way back up the course and back, two whole clue boxes, and never got passed. "Oh, that's awesome!" Caite chirps. Again with the positive attitude. It would be easier to dislike her if she were more of a sourpuss.
Joe and Heidi sit in the tranches and snuggle. I guess they've given up on the task and are now just waiting for the end, enjoying the ambience and all. "Why did they U-Turn us?" Heidi wonders. "I can't believe it," Joe says. "It's Morse code that takes us down." Guys, decode this message: --. --- --- -.. -... -.-- .
Now on the bicycle leg, Jeff urges Jordan to "finish strong." They look pretty sweaty when they reach the Pit Stop. The mayor welcomes them, and Jeff says, "Merci. Mercy. That sums it up." Get Jeff, with the polyglot puns! Phil says mercy is theirs; they're team number seven, and still in the race. Jeff says he knows it was tough for Jordan. In a solo interview, he says he can be overbearing and competitive, but he's willing to meet Jordan halfway, and hopes Jordan can do the same. Jordan in turn solo-interviews that they're both hard-headed, and the race is tense. "You are gonna bicker and argue and I gotta learn that it doesn't get you anywhere." Because she's all about learning. On the mat, Jeff insists on a mustache kiss.
Battle's over. The planes fly home. The sun disappears below the horizon. The soldiers vanish. The birdman leads Phil through the trenches to where Joe and Heidi are waiting for him, and apparently have been for hours. Holding each other, they listen as Phil tells them they've been Philiminated. He informs them, as if they can do anything about it now, "The code that you guys were looking for was 'We will prevail. Vive la France.'" Not even close. Heidi says they wouldn't have gotten it, which I don't doubt at all. Phil asks if they know who U-Turned them. Phil, it's supposed to be anonymous! Of course they know it's Michael and Louie, and while Joe's not happy about it, "That's part of the game, that's part of the competition." "It's been a tough day," Heidi says. Joe interviews that his wife led and pushed him along. "I had to depend on her for everything. I'm very, very proud of her." Heidi says that elimination isn't so bad, knowing she still has Joe in her life. Joe says they didn't think it would end this soon. "We had a great time regardless," Heidi adds. Even during the bombing?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com