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After Sam and Dan come out to everyone, everyone flies together to the Netherlands. Brian literally has trouble getting it in gear in the race to a tower-climbing, bell-counting Road Block. Gary and Matt briefly grab the lead while Sam forgets who his allies are and Ericka compounds her team's trailing position. An unusually complicated Detour forces everyone to dress up in traditional Dutch clothing and either swim a canal and play mutant golf in their underwear or do a dance and then eat herring (though like I said, it's more complicated). Meghan and Cheyne have enough trouble with the golfing that the brothers are able to beat them to the Pit Stop at last. Meanwhile, Gary|Matt and Team Inside Straight switch Detours, due to Matt's dislike of fish and the women's inability to ring a bell with a hammer. Even switching back doesn't help Team Inside Straight, and they just about have an emotional breakdown. Their only hope is that Team Miss America is still screwing up, walking when they're supposed to bike. The poker chicks end up pulling a rare triple-switch while Brian and Ericka have to ride borrowed bicycles to the Pit Stop to wait out their half-hour penalty for failing to pedal instead of walking. And ultimately Maria and Tiffany admit defeat, forcing Phil to come out to the golf course to accept their resignation. At least they knew when to fold 'em.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what the Race would have been like 60 years ago in No Prior Knowledge.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Now Phil comes off the information. "This is the Palm Jumeirah," he tells us over shots of the land... form, I guess you'd call it, that I described in last week's recap. He says it's "a man-made island off the coast of Dubai. Shaped like a palm tree, it is actually bigger than eight hundred football fields, and cost more than twelve billion dollars to create." Eight hundred football fields? Something wrong with saying "twelve square miles?" The twelve-billion-dollar construction cost is illustrated by a time-lapse clip of the main building of the Atlantis resort going up, which is nice, but I've seen buildings being constructed. I have not seen giant, fancifully-shaped peninsulas being artificially extruded into the Persian Gulf. That's what I want to see time. Phil, still in his dorky sun hat from last week, reminds us that this was the sixth Pit Stop.
Meghan and Cheyne, who won the last leg, are leaving at 1:13 PM. They open their clue and Meghan reads, "Fly to Amsterdam." Phil adds that this is a 3,000 mile flight, and after they land they'll need to drive to something called the Afsluitdijk, which, as much as it looks like something I typed by dropping a salami on my keyboard, is described by Phil as "a 19-mile causeway that connects North Holland and Friesland." Yes, I've often wondered how people travel between those regions. Somewhere on that causeway is the "Lely Monument," a statue in the middle of the wide grass median with a clue box at its feet. Some cursory research (and not Phil) tells me that the statue is of Cornelis Lely, who was (who else?) the guy who built the causeway. One wonders if the statue was in his original plans. As they taxi to the airport, Cheyne interviews that the only way they know how to run the race is in the front. They can't help winning! They keep trying to fall behind but it's just not working! They are helpless in the face of their own speediness! "If there's a target on our backs, there's nothing we can do about it." Cheyne adds, as if this is one of those shows where people get voted off. They get to the airport before anyone else has even left the Pit Stop, but since the first flight to Amsterdam doesn't leave until midnight, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference.
Maria and Tiffany are leaving at 3:09 PM, which shows that Meghan and Cheyne certainly didn't squander their Fast Forward lead. Tiffany interviews that it's nice to be in second place, "But we've learned from poker, it's really, really easy to get comfortable...The higher up, there's a longer way to fall." Whatever, they're totally playing with house money now. Even in the cab, they're aware that Sam and Dan are probably only a minute behind them.
Then it's dark, and soon there's an amazing Red Line heading all the way up to Amsterdam. With all the teams on the same flight, of course. At the airport there, everyone rushes to the parking ramp to get behind the wheel of one of the Mercedeseseses waiting there for them. Brian has trouble getting his car into gear. "Oh, these kids aren't used to luxury cars," Tiffany remarks, sounding like Rich Uncle Pennybags all of a sudden. But all of the teams get out of the ramp and into the murky dawn, save the Americas, who are quickly getting frustrated with each other and the way they're continuing to literally go nowhere. Finally, Brian spots a guy who's willing to come help him, (but not to have his face shown unblurred on-camera), and he gets it in gear. Still, Brian is frustrated as they head out, now in dead last. Ericka yells, "Stop tripping out! You know you dictate my mood, and you know I have a shorter fuse than you." He tells her to calm down. If he really does dictate her mood, that should work.
It's full daylight by the time the monument comes into view for the lead teams. They have to park and walk over a pedestrian bridge to get to the statue. It's so windy there that even the statue's carved coat looks whipped by the gusts from the sea. Wind is going to be something of a theme in this episode, which I guess shouldn't be surprising given that the Netherlands are famous for wooden shoes, tulips, Calvinism, and windmills, and there aren't many tulips in this leg. Meghan and Cheyne are the first to read the clue telling them to drive to the city of Groningen and find Martinitoren, a cathedral that is also the highest building in town and which also houses a clue box this leg. Sam and Dan are in second, with the Globetrotters in third, Gary|Matt in fourth, and Team Inside Straight in fifth. Everyone gets back in their cars and is on their way before the Americas even show up. Speaking of whom, Flight Time remarks, "If we don't know anybody's name on the race, we know Brian's, because we've heard a lot of 'Brian! Brian!'" Hee.
Finally they get to the monument, and as Brian hurries over to the bridge to the statue, she snaps, "Brian!" Awesome. They're on their way, but still in last place. At least Brian can get his car in gear by himself now.
Unsurprisingly, Meghan and Cheyne reach Martinitoren first, with the brothers close behind. Maybe if you're looking for a place that will be difficult for the racers to find, the tallest building in town is not the best option. The Road Block question is, "Who's got strong legs and keen eyes?" Phil narrates, "For over five centuries, the Martinitoren has boasted the best views of the city of Groningen." Which sounds like the introduction to one of those tasks where you get a pair of binoculars and a patch of railing, but this search is going to be directed more inwardly. Specifically, they have to climb the staircase and wander the floors of the church's tower to count all of the bells that comprise the church's carillon. If they correctly count to 62 (because that is the number of the bells), the carillon player gives them their clue. Meghan is taking this one, as is Sam, so they decide to work together. Or at least Sam does. "Glad I did the Stairmaster at home," he says as a Blair Witch-cam follows him and Meghan up tight, dark, winding spiral stairways. They count 13 on one floor and proceed on. I'm really not seeing how sharing a counting task with someone else is more efficient. But maybe Sam had to leave his calculator down on the ground floor with Dan and doesn't have any choice.
Flight Time and Matt take this on when their respective teams arrive. Team Inside Straight arrives in fifth, and as usual, Tiffany's doing it. "You can do it, Tiffany!" Maria hollers after her. As always, the part that goes unspoken is, "because I'm sure as hell not about to!"
So there are five racers already in there when Brian and Ericka arrive, and he drafts her to do this one. I guess he figures that she hasn't done a Road Block since Vietnam, so he'd better give her this one lest the one includes water, heat, math, or anything else she doesn't do. Not knowing that this one has math, of course. She gets started, panting to herself, "Count... all of the bells... in the tower. I have no idea what I'm doing." That's a fantastic sign, right there. She's immediately overwhelmed by all the atmosphere. But it's too late; even if they could switch this one back to Brian, she's going to have to fail a lot more Road Blocks later in the race if she doesn't fail this one now.
Meghan and Sam have reached the top of the tower, and are making their way around the catwalk, Matt literally popping up from a trap door between Meghan's feet at one point. He quietly counts to himself while Meghan and Sam's attempts to talk to each other are suddenly and rudely cut off by a loud, tuneless burst of carillon playing, courtesy of the dude banging on the primitive keyboard somewhere in the bowels of the church. While they're busy trying to communicate, Matt quietly finishes counting, ducks back down through the trapdoor, finds the carillon player, and hands over a sheet of paper with "62" written on it. The dude riffles through his sheet music (which he clearly does not know how to read) to give Matt his clue, and now he and Gary are in the lead as they reunite on the ground floor. Phil tells us that the project is to drive to the seaside town of Vierhuizen De Marne, and find their clue near a windmill. Because they're in the Netherlands. Unfortunately, they're lost before they even get back into their car, so they have to ask a cabbie for directions. Their lead will not last long at this rate.
Sam and Meghan have also come up with the correct number somehow, and they get their clues. They meet Tiffany coming up, and when she asks if they got the number right, Sam immediately blurts, "62." He claims afterward that he whispered it, but even if he hadn't, Tiffany loudly repeats, "62?!" so Meghan's onto him anyway. Sam maintains afterward that it was a smart move, "'Cause they're a team that we can beat." Tiffany gets to go straight to the carillon player as the brothers and Meghan and Cheyne open their clues in second and third place respectively. When Cheyne hears what Sam did, he's like, "Aw, Sam, you told the girls? Come onnnn!" Apparently he's not as confident as Sam is in his ability to beat them. To Meghan and Cheyne, Sam claims he just got nervous. But they quickly move past it and decide to split a taxi driver to lead them to the clue. On their way out, they pass Gary and Matt, who are still getting directions. Told you that lead wouldn't last long.
Tiffany gets her clue without actually having to do the task, so she and Maria are in fourth place. That leaves only Flight Time and Ericka up there, counting as the racket from the carillon resumes. Flight Time heads down first and has the correct number, so the Globetrotters are in fifth on their way to the windmill. Standing down below with his arms inside his t-shirt, looking like a chilly amputee, Brian calls up to Ericka not to give up. She does not, but she's the first one with the wrong number: 43. This is not how you catch up. "Brian should have done this," Ericka pants as she does the stairs some more. Brian, for his part, says he knows she's close. "She's gotta be close." Keep telling yourself that. You'll need to. She starts over.
Sam and Dan lead the pack into Vierhuizen, with Meghan and Cheyne right behind them, all the way to the clue box for the Detour. This time, the choice is between "Farmer's Game" or "Farmer's Dance." Phil gives us a little anthropology lesson about the simple lives folks have been living here for centuries, before moving on and explaining the Detour. The teams will have to change into traditional Dutch clothes and ride bicycles for both options. For Farmer's Game, they'll then have to find a creek, strip to the longjohns that came with their costume, and swim across. This is not a narrow creek, either, although there doesn't seem to be much of a current. On the far bank, they'll have to play a round of "golf." Except they'll have to do it in wet underwear, in what continues to be a hellacious wind, and using what Phil describes in a rare moment of understatement as "unique-looking clubs." The "clubs" are actually big solid wooden clogs on sticks, and the balls are the size of cantaloupes but look as solid as croquet balls. Clearly this version of golf is not about finesse. They'll have to finish three holes in eight strokes, taking turns. If they can't do it in eight, Phil says, "They'll have to keep playing until they're up to par." Oh, Phil. Although I'm later glad to see that it's eight strokes per hole, not for the whole course. That would be much harder.
For Farmer's Dance, they have to go to a dance hall, use a hammer to ring the bell on the high striker outside -- you know, that thing they used to have at old-timey carnivals where you use a big honking mallet to whack a little thingy to make a weight fly up a column and ring a bell, but you never see it any more because it's basically a wrongful death lawsuit waiting to happen. Then they'll go inside to learn and perform a Dutch folk dance with the crowd. And then they have to eat salted herring and onions. So, basically, three different things that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The brothers decide on the golf. Meghan can't golf, but Cheyne can't dance, so they're also doing the game. But of course before they can proceed, they have to head into the windmill to change into their Festival of Nations outfits. The costumes are for couples, so Sam calls the men's outfit for himself, which Dan claims not to care about if they can just beat Meghan and Cheyne. They get changed into their Dutch duds, including big wooden clogs. While Gary and Matt arrive outside and opt for the dance, Meghan calls to Cheyne through the sheet separating the women's changing area from the men's, telling him to copy the boys. "You're not very good at dressing yourself." Sure, they come out, and then everyone assumes they're sartorial experts. Matt drafts Gary into wearing the dress, and he claims that he's only ever worn a dress for pranks or Halloween. "Nothing kinky," he assures us in an interview. Hey, there's a first time for everything.
Sam and Dan climb out of the creek. Back at the church, Brian and Ericka finish their little walk around the village square and he sends her back in with a kiss. "Do not quit until the very end." Then she can quit.
Meghan and Cheyne have indeed very much gotten the hang of this, because they finish their third hole in six shots and get their Pit Stop clue. At this rate, they'll only have to ride three-quarters as long as Sam and Dan to get to the Pit Stop.
Team Inside Straight bikes to the Farmer's Dance event, yodeling because apparently that's what you do. When they arrive, they read the clue saying they have to take turns with the high striker. Tiffany goes first, but her attempt falls far short. Maria does even worse, missing the little button entirely. Tiffany makes a few more tries, but never gets much higher than halfway. They don't even bother showing Maria's "attempts" during this period. Meanwhile, the Globetrotters decide to dance.
Ericka talks herself up, saying, "Everybody else did it, I can do this." Well, Tiffany didn't, technically. When she finally presents herself to the carillon player, he obviouses, "You're laughing." "I already cried, you just didn't see that part," she tells him. But this time she has 62, so she gets a clue, and a big hug from Brian at the bottom. "We're not done yet," he says as they leave the church, very much in last place. In the car, she's repeating her wish not to be eliminated. Brian bites his nails as he drives. Yes, he can try to make it a nailbiter, but they are not catching up unless someone else self-destructs in a big way, and I'm just not sure that's in the cards.
Sam and Dan have reached the harbor, and there's Phil at the mat, with an old bearded guy dressed in a watch cap and striped boatman's shirt like he just walked out of a Hemingway story. It's still so windy that Phil looks like he's wearing his hair in a neat side-part. He teases Sam and Dan, "You guys like dressing up like this?" "We're not that kind of gay guys," Sam assures him. If they're regretting coming out when they did, they're doing a good job of hiding it. Phil tells them they're team number one, and tells them they've won a sand buggy. That'll be handy in Kansas City. They interview that it was nice to finally win a leg, and to break Cheyne and Meghan's streak.
Speaking of them streaking, they're back on the right side of the creek as Meghan says it's hard to get dressed again when all wet like this. Gary and Matt roll up, and Meghan|Cheyne are gone by the time Pinky and the Brain are down to their underwear, which Gary wonders how he's going to keep his on while swimming. Indeed, his flannel pants look like they're about to fall off him just standing there. Nothing for it but to jump in and hope for the best, and count on the CBS pixellators if all else fails.
"We look like some buffoons," Big Easy says, as he and Flight Time pedal along. At least he's the guy.
Maria and Tiffany have now earned a little graphic on the screen for their mounting number of attempts at the high striker: "Attempt 27." Ouch. And it's not getting any higher. Maria is still not even hitting the thing half the time. So they decide to bail. Tiffany interviews, "We thought, oh, hittin' some golf balls. Could be pretty easy." The Amazing Editors cut away before we can realize she's being ironic.
Gary swings what Matt calls his "30-wood," and they're on their way down the course, even if one of them did leave a clog behind. Outside the dance hall, Flight Time takes aim and dings the bell. They proceed into the building and pick instructors. "As Globetrotters, we have dance routines during the show," Big Easy explains. They start their lessons, which I suspect will be different from what they usually do at their games.
Meghan and Cheyne clatter up to the mat and Phil tells them, "You're not team number one, but you're team number two." They'll live with it. And maybe the brothers will swap their new sand buggy for one of Meghan and Cheyne's trips.
Brian is still bucking Ericka up as they reach the windmill at last, and decide to do the dance.
Wearing lifejackets, Maria and Tiffany enter the creek as gracelessly as possible and start flailing across on their backs. Too bad they don't have a dinghy for Tiffany to row.
Gary makes his and Matt's eighth shot for the first hole, but the wind foils them. "Lookin' good in your undies," Tiffany tells Maria as they walk to the golf course and see Matt and Gary still there. They have to wait as Tiffany first tees off, then swings so hard she loses her club. Maria manages to hit the ball to about where Tiffany's club landed, which is not a good sign. "This is not regular fricking golf," Tiffany complains, apparently under the impression that she signed up for The Regular Fricking Race (the Game Show Network, Wednesdays, three in the fricking morning). Gary and Matt seem to be off to a better start, though.
Brian and Ericka, now all dressed up, come out of the windmill and walk right past the bicycles that are lined up waiting to carry them to their destination. The editors keep zooming in on the abandoned bikes as they clomp down the street on foot, complaining about their feet. Oh, no, this is definitely not how you catch up.
"This is not golf! We don't golf with wooden sticks that look like shoes!" Maria carps. Matt and Gary are way ahead of them. "My dad is not going to be proud of me when he watches this," Maria adds. But Gary and Matt finish their first hole. Team Inside Straight fails to make par in the their first hole, and Maria suggests switching back. Tiffany says they "can't hit that thing, and you can't so we gotta focus on this." Yes, they should fail at one thing at a time.
The Globetrotters look ready to graduate from their dance lessons. "Once we got it, it was Soul Train," Flight Time says. They go through the dance with plenty of extra energy and attitude, and have a whole end-zone celebration once they're done. "Now you have to eat something," says a kindly woman, making it sound like grandmotherly caretaking instead of "here, choke down this gross thing." But yes, the herring is still there. They start eating, dribbling onion bits everywhere, and Flight Time looks horror-struck as he chews.
Brian and Ericka are in a clog-jog, wondering how much farther. If only they had been supplied with some kind of conveyance to take them to the point.
Maria is still being an American't, pointing out Matt and Gary up ahead, finishing the second hole in seven strokes. "Let's go try to hit the stupid thing," Tiffany agrees wearily, and they head back, backing into the stream again.
Flight Time finishes choking down his herring, but he's not talking about it. They're in third place as he walks along outside the dance hall, faking anger and then suddenly brightening, saying, "Did you see me getting down?" and breaking into a little dance. "We gotta go!" Big Easy reminds him, not slowing down. Yes, be funny at the Pit Stop.
Brian and Ericka keep walking. Back outside the dance hall, Tiffany doesn't even wait for Maria to catch up before taking up the mallet and giving it another attempt. Attempt 31, to be exact. Maria takes her "turn," saying something about physics. Which, she is correct. It's a matter of generating enough kinetic energy with the mallet to translate into the little weight rising all the way to the bell. Most of that energy comes from the hammer's weight, so really all one needs to do is to make sure that full weight comes down as hard and fast as you can make it. Hold the very end of the handle and fully extend your arms to maximize the mallet head's speed through the arc of your swing. Use the weight, swinging it high, letting it fall towards the target, and then giving it all you have just before the moment of impact, so as to save your energy for the attempt if necessary. Get your legs and your back into it to amplify the downward force. Instead, Maria taps the mallet like she's closing a paint can, causing the weight to rise about six inches. Indeed it is all about physics. "Okay, that doesn't help," she says. Right again!
Brian and Ericka keep clog-jogging. Tiffany makes attempt #40, and at least this time it goes higher, almost to the level of where the diagonal braces meet the center column. Maria continues to waste her turns. The Americas continue to complain about their feet. Tiffany goes for 49, and after Maria does 50, Tiffany says, "Let's just hug it out for a minute." And they hold each other, crying, as the camera circles all the way around them. Arty.
After having a commercial break to pull themselves together, Maria tells Tiffany, "You're my hero, and I've never heard you say you can't do something, so..." Tiffany makes a heroic 51st attempt, and it goes about as high as always. "I wish I could do that," Maria says. Which is encouraging, but the truth is that despite getting the little thingy to go about ten times higher, Tiffany's not getting them past this any more than Maria is.
Ericka tells Brian, "Something's not right." She is correct; they're still walking. She makes him read the clue again. "Oh, you gotta be shitting me," he groans upon complying. "Apparently there were some bikes we were supposed to pick up." They keep walking, Brian dealing with Ericka's complaints about her foot pain by saying his feet hurt too. "The least you could do is be compassionate," she yells at him.
"We're still racing! The Globetrotters are still racing!" Flight Time calls out as they bike up to the Pit Stop. "Flight Time and Big Easy?" Phil says. "You look ridiculous!": But they're happy to be team number three.
Gary and Matt have just finished the Detour, so I don't think it's any mystery who team number four will be as they read their Pit Stop clue.
Even the onscreen graphics have lost count of the number of attempts now, but at least Tiffany is getting the little weight to go up past the level of the braces. Brian and Ericka keep bickering. Tiffany makes an attempt that comes so close. Americas Bickering. After Attempt 71, Team Inside Straight, exhausted, decides to switch Detours. Again.
Gary and Matt are indeed team number four.
Team Inside Straight heads back across the creek yet again, in a bid to become the first Amazing Racers to succumb to hypothermia. Brian and Ericka get to the high striker, and Brian quickly dings the dinger. That's how you catch up. Over at the golf course, the wind seems to have picked up as Maria and Tiffany start over, "Weaker than we were before, and more freezing than we were before." Brian and Ericka are enjoying their dance lessons, but eight strokes of the golf ball don't get the poker chicks anywhere except to a place where Tiffany can look across the pasture they're playing in comment, "Look at the little cows!" Meanwhile, the dancing seems to be fixing all of Ericka and Brian's problems somehow. "That was the moment that I totally fell in love with him again," she says. Time to eat the herring. She takes it like a trouper. Apparently when they're this far behind, the list of things she "doesn't do" gets shorter.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.