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The Beijing leg continues, and Jaime and Cara's lead doesn't hold up, to say the least. A lot of early-morning scrambling and gnome-hunting and bike-riding through Tiananmen Square leads to a Detour where the teams have to either relay restaurant orders in Mandarin or paint each other's faces for the Beijing Opera. Everyone selects the latter save Tammy and Victor, and they finish the Detour first, allowing them to U-Turn Kisha and Jen. Enjoy the sisters' miscommunications which make them sound like madwomen using Babel Fish. Then Victor does a gross-food Road Block (I was starting to let myself believe we were done with those) and they finally win a leg in China. And easily, at that. Margie and Luke are running out of patience with each other, but make it to the Pit Stop in second place. Jaime and Cara get so lost after the Detour that the U-Turned sisters are able to pass them up. Cara out-eats Jen at the Road Block, but is it enough? Even when Jen stops for a pee on the way to the Pit Stop? Well, let's put it this way: your final three are Tammy|Victor, Margie|Luke, and… Jaime and Cara. Should be plenty of meltdowns in week's finale.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Okay, looks like we're getting right back into it. A music cue right out of the Frank Stallone opus "Far From Over" brings us into a replay of Jaime and Cara's arrival at the mat beneath Beijing's brilliantly illuminated Drum Tower, in first place for the first time ever. They quickly read the clue Phil hands them and sprint away. They find a cab driver who Cara thinks knows where they're wanting to go, and the back door that Jaime just threw open swings back shut as she bends to pick something up, smacking her in the head. After the way she's been treating the world's taxi drivers for the last ten legs, it's hard not to see that as karma. "We're not done racing! We get to the Pit Stop and we're not done racing!" Cara chatters in the cab as Jaime nurses her battered skull. Jaime interviews that it was "disheartening," but "as long as it's us in the final three, I honestly don't care who is the other person." Or people, as the case may be. But maybe she does mean person, singular. God knows the only way they could win this whole thing would be against half of one other team.
Margie and Luke are now approaching the Pit Stop, and they're saying that of the remaining teams, they'd like to see their allies Jaime|Cara and Tammy|Victor in the final three. And themselves, one assumes, filling in the third spot rather than Kisha and Jen. When they arrive at the mat, Phil doesn't know how to sign, "You are the second team to arrive," which means Luke is left asking his mom, "What, what?" She signs that they're second while Phil is telling them they're still racing and handing them their clue. "Good luck, guys," Phil calls to their backs as they run back to find a taxi. Luke's in the lead, as always, and he calls back, "Mom!" "You yell at me again and I'm finished," Margie tells him." Yikes. In an interview, Margie explains that "The longer we're on the Race, the harder it is. I just don't want to hear him yell, 'Moooom,' one more time." It must be difficult to put up with all the noise made by your deaf son. In the cab, they express their frustration at making up lost time when there wasn't even an elimination. Because that regained time certainly won't be useful as the leg continues.
Jaime's saying something similar in her cab with Cara: "The one time we come in first at the Pit Stop, it's not over." They reach Bei Hai Dong Mei, a street of charming storefronts with a clue box outside on the sidewalk. The clue tells them to search the shops on the street for a Travelocity Roaming Gnome. Oh, haven't we all missed the gnome-schlepping legs this season? Yeah, me either. Over shots provided by cameras zipping around the street from shop to shop under a lightening sky, Phil narrates that the clue is printed on the base of each gnome. Having received their marching orders, Team Go Team runs back to the cab for their bags, and presumably warmer clothes, because they are indeed still wearing the borrowed Speedo LZR swimsuits under their fleece jackets. Speedo is like, "Move on, nothing to see here." Margie and Luke find the clue in second place by the time Team Go Team has gotten back into their winter gear and begun the search.
Tammy and Victor arrive at the mat in third, and Victor takes the news with an "Oh, gosh." At least his legs seem to be working properly now, and in fact will not give him any trouble for the rest of this leg. Years of recapping 24 have conditioned me to notice rapidly healing injuries, you see. Back to the cabs they go, as Tammy says, "We were tricked! It wasn't a real Pit Stop." Well, the good news is they didn't just fail to win two China legs in a row. They interview that they still hope to make it to the final three. "Once we're there, there's no chance of us being eliminated any more, then it's time to focus on just winning," Victor says in an interview. Which is kind of a weird thing to say, because it's not like you can get eliminated if you win a regular leg, either. Which they should know by now, having won a few.
Kisha and Jen are, as we know, in the last cab to the mat. Kisha tells Jen not to cry, but Jen is saying, "I'm so over China." Don't say "over." They arrive on the mat below the Drum Tower and Phil gives them the whole sad business, telling them they're the last team to arrive and leaving them hanging before, at last, pulling out that clue and telling them they're still in it. "Shut the hell up!" Kisha says, but they take the clue. "Don't give up," Phil says, because what kind of TV does that make? They've already tuned him out while they read their clue. He wishes their retreating backs good luck. "If we would have lost this Race it would have weighed heavily on my heart," Jen says. "As long as we're in the Race right now, we're happy." They find a cab and Kisha shows the clue to the driver and tries to pronounce it for him. The driver just shakes her head and shrugs in amusement as she turns the key, but the sisters are too relieved to still be in the Race to do anything but laugh. "I tried," Kisha chuckles.
Tammy and Victor have arrived at the clue box, and read the clue about the gnome. Victor reads the part about how they will need to carry it all the way to the Pit Stop, because that's always fun. Now there are three teams searching shops for gnomes. Victor walks right past one in a small clothes shop (that is to say, a small shop with clothes, not a shop with small clothes, although I cannot easily ascertain their sizes), set on a mannequin's shoulders where its head ought to be. But Margie and Luke spot one inside a snack shop, atop a pile of peanuts with a paper counterman's hat impaled on its conical plaster one. Now they're technically in first place as they carry it out to the street to read the clue on the bottom by the light of Margie's headlamp. As Phil narrates, the teams are now on their way to Go Gong Xi Bei Jiao, which looks like a waterfront walkway. Waiting there for them are several specimens of "a popular Chinese mode of transportation, the electric bicycle." Which they will hop on and ride past the Forbidden City, a well-known Beijing landmark; then across Tiananmen Square, an even more well-known Beijing landmark, all the way to Dongdan Subway Station. That's where their clue will be found. Why not put the clue inside the Forbidden City? Perhaps because it's forbidden.
Margie and Luke are on their way. And Jaime and Cara have found their gnome inside a tea shop. By now, the sky is beginning to get light. Keep in mind that the teams all landed in Beijing at 8:05 the evening, so these people are having a very long night. Of the two teams searching for cabs, guess which one is being ruder? Well, Jaime charmingly tells one driver, "Forget you, then." She says for our benefit, "One thing I hate more than anything in the world is taxis." I think it's mutual.
Kisha and Jen find their clue in last place. By now, Team Family Law has discovered a gnome in a honey shop, naturally wearing a beekeeper's hat. Tammy recognizes the "Gu Gong" part of their destination as referring to the Forbidden City, so they're already in good shape before they've even found a cab.
The sisters find their gnome in a bakery, wearing a chef's toque. They join the hunt for a cab. "I can't believe I'm carrying a purse and a doll," Victor cracks as they run down the street. Oh, just go with it already. They end up being the first team to find a taxi. The sun must just be coming up, because Jaime and Cara are beginning to cast long shadows as they spot Margie and Luke getting into a second-place taxi, and get into a cab of their own in third. Jaime isn't satisfied that the driver knows where he's going, so she says, "Let's look at it again, then," in what I'm sure she thinks is not a snotty tone of voice at all. She sticks the inverted gnome up between the front seats, almost stabbing the poor driver in the arm with its hat. He recoils in alarm, but she doesn't seem to care, making him look at the bottom of the gnome and asking him if he knows where it is. He either can't or won't say, one way or another; he's just irritated now. Not that she cares. She just transfers her bitching to Cara. Who I'm sure is by now thinking, You know how Racers always say they wouldn't have wanted to do this Race with anyone else? I'm never going to say that.
And as Kisha and Jen finally get their cab, Jen looks out at the morning and says, "I'm glad we got a new day. Another day, I should say."
There's a dude doing some early-morning tai chi not far from the waiting bicycles when Tammy and Victor come along, find the bikes, and plunk their gnome into the basket on the front of Victor's bike. They hop on, and that knowledge of Chinese streets they were talking about last week nearly gets them killed on a zebra crossing. After a while, they even figure out that their bikes have electric motors, and they never look back. Well, okay, they'll look back one more time this leg, but it won't be in a nice way.
Margie and Luke find the bikes. Actually, Luke finds them first, and yells at his mom to follow. Despite her earlier threats, she does not quit. Jaime and Cara are dropped off right near the Forbidden City, but they don't see the bikes, so they get back in the cab. They must have gone to the wrong side. And now, having begun the second half of the leg in first place, they are officially in last place, because Kisha and Jen have found the bicycles. Luke nearly runs Jen down as she runs for her bike. It looks like an accident, but he doesn't look like he feels too bad about it, either. Then we see the sisters pedaling along with Kisha in the lead and calling back to see if Jen is okay. "Hell, no, my hands are cold!" she answers. Kisha laughs. And Team Go Team finally finds the bicycles, with Jaime opining, "That fricking sucked." Off they go, with no idea of the fricking sucking that still awaits them.
Waiting at a traffic signal, Victor and Tammy watch a regiment of soldiers conducting the flag-raising ceremony. They ride past Tiananmen Square, and Tammy giggles at the giant portrait of Chairman Mao gazing out at them. In an interview, Victor says how cool that was, and then they spot the clue box. Which is not down in the subway station at all, but right out on the sidewalk, practically visible from space. Victor's fingers are so cold he has to rip the envelope open with his teeth. And it's a Detour.
Phil says this is about "Two local professions famous throughout the world." The choices are called "Beijing Opera" and "Chinese Waiter." So clearly the people who name the Detour tasks are getting tired as well. The opera task involves no actual singing: just going to the Huguang Huiguang Opera House and doing each other's makeup as a "princess" opera character and a "gentleman" opera character. I'd say the makeup was Kabuki-style, but Kabuki is Japanese and this is all making me feel like enough of a gaijin as it is. Once made up and fully costumed, the opera master will give them their clue. For "Chinese Waiter," teams go to Huguang Huiguang Restaurant (which one assumes is nearby) and pick a table. The customers at the table will order meals in Mandarin. The teams will need to relay the orders back to the chef, also in Mandarin, and will get their clue after the correct dishes have been served. So yes, obviously Tammy and Victor will be opting for this one, which might as well have been designed for them. They get in a cab, confident that this will be easy for them. I can't imagine they'll have as much trouble with this as they did with the synchronized diving. Provided Victor doesn't get them lost between the restaurant's dining room and its kitchen.
While Margie and Luke are driving to Tiananmen Square, they stop for directions and the sisters pass them. Jen and Kisha get to the clue box in second place, and opt for opera. In their cab, Kisha says she wants to be the princess. "I've never been a princess my whole life, so maybe this is my opportunity to be a princess," she laughs. Jen says something indulgent and then makes a hilarious "whatever" face. It's probably funnier if you happen to know something that the show has never bothered to tell us, which is that Kisha does not, as we used to say, like boys that way.
Margie|Luke and Team Go Team make the same call when they reach the clue box, and Margie is the first to secure a cab. "Last ones to the taxi, as usual," Jaime complains as their allies pull away from the curb.
Tammy and Victor find the restaurant, and as they hurry inside to the dining room, Victor says, "If we can't do this task, Mom and Dad will kill us." "Very shameful", Tammy agrees. And yes, the italics mean they're already practicing their Mandarin. Because this leg is all about finding cute things for the gnome to do, it gets to sit at the table's empty seat while Tammy and Victor start taking orders. The first order is for an item whose Mandarin name translates into "Good Luck Fish," according to the subtitles. But Tammy and Victor mistranslate it into English as "Good Luck Squid." Very shameful. are "Vegetarian Noodles," "Fried Chicken," "New Taste Beef," and "Golden Pork Spare Ribs." Satisfied with what they've written down, they hurry back to the kitchen. In an interview, Victor explains how they screwed this up: "The slightest difference in sound or intonation completely changes the meaning of the word." Sure, blame it on Mandarin being a tonal language. But I happen to know (okay, I looked it up) that the word for fish is yu, while squid is youyu.. Shame. SHAME! So they go to the chef and read off their orders, beginning with "Good Luck Squid." They're amazed when they get to the end and he tells them it's wrong. "Wrong?" they both ask. "Just go back," the chef says. They do. Knowing Mandarin is even an advantage when they screw up.
Jen and Kisha arrive at the opera house, which at least for today is marked with a big red-and-yellow sign with Chinese characters and the English word "OPERAHOUSE." They find their way into the dressing room, where a couple are sitting in makeup chairs, serving as models for the makeup and costumes. I assume these are students or workers or at best interns and not actual Beijing Opera stars who had to roll out of bed for a makeup call ten hours before curtain. The "gentleman's" face is mostly painted in a fat red "M," with white triangles sweeping up severely from the bridge of his nose. The "princess" sports a more familiar geisha-type look (hey, if the lead in Memoirs of Geisha can be played by a Chinese actress, I certainly don't need to hold this recap to a higher standard). Kisha sits in the chair and Jen gets to work painting her up. Given that this is traditional opera, with performers apparently projecting themselves to back rows that are several miles away, subtlety is not the order of the day. "I look like a damn clown," Kisha complains. Jen assures her that it's fine, but allows, "You're gonna scare a lot of children." She's finishing up Kisha's eye makeup when Luke and Margie show up. "Dammit!" Margie says when she spots the sisters already there. Well, hello to you, too. As we see them set up, we hear the sisters say that they don't have any ill will towards Margie and Luke. "But...if we had an opportunity to do something that will put them behind in the game then we will definitely utilize that." And Luke interviews through Margie, "We want to beat Kisha and Jen. I hope Kisha and Jen are not in the final three." So glad to see that everyone's moved on from that ugly incident two weeks ago.
Luke's trying to powder Margie's face, but she's complaining and moving and blowing big white clouds off of herself. She keeps turning to look at herself in the mirror and complain about Luke's heavy-handed technique. He gets increasingly frustrated with her makeup-seat driving. "He made me look like Alice Cooper," Margie complains afterward in an interview. Thanks for the dated reference there, Margie. Please leave those to younger people like myself. So let's see here...Insane Clown Posse? No? Well, shit. I guess I'm old too. She keeps bitching about how badly he's doing, while by this time Kisha has the red part of Jen's face done and has moved onto the white. Their gnome awaits on the makeup table, sporting a headdress of its own. The cuter they try to make these gnomes, the more I want someone to break them up into pieces that are small enough to be flushed down an airplane toilet. Luke and Margie continue fighting until Luke throws down the makeup brush and says, "I'm finished. I'm finished." He seems to mean, "I quit" rather than "I have completed the task to my satisfaction." Conduct unbecoming a frontrunner, to be sure.
After the ads, Kisha and Jen finish up and move on to the costuming part. Meanwhile, Luke has decided to finish after all, in the actual finishing sense. They switch places.
Over at the restaurant, Team Family Law makes their table repeat their orders. Heaving recited along with her during the last attempt, Victor promises to let Tammy say it all to the chef this time, but just can't help speaking along with her again as she reads. This time it's good, so the kitchen staff gets cooking. They could have lost a lot more time if the task had been designed differently. Meaning, what if they had had to wait for a whole table's worth of orders to be whipped up after their first attempt, and they didn't find out they'd blown it until after they tried to give someone a plate of Good Luck Squid? That would not have been lucky at all. Luckier for them than for the squid, admittedly, but still.
Way back at the Detour clue box, Team Go Team is still trying to get a cab. Eventually they get in one, and decide to convey the idea of "Beijing Opera" by singing. He nods and smiles, and they're happy to be on their way.
Victor and Tammy deliver the dishes, and in case you thought these dishes were a rather incongruous mix of the exotic and the mundane, it's worth noting that the "fried chicken" still has its head on. They get their clue, and are unable to read where it's sending them. Whatever the case, here's Phil, telling us that this is the second of two U-Turns on the Race. As you'll recall, the U-Turn allows a team to make another team do the other half of the Detour they just finished. But unlike the other one way back in Siberia that helped dispatch Amanda and Kris, this one is not blind. "If a team chooses to use it," Phil warns, "they must post their own picture, and will be held accountable to the team they've slowed down." If they ever see them again, that is. Running out of the restaurant, Victor says that the "on foot" part of the clue means they're close. In an interview, they discuss the other three teams. "Margie and Luke are the strongest team." When they're not being snippy with each other. "Jaime and Cara have the greatest competitive spirit." Translation: Jaime is an asshole. "But Jennifer and Kisha are the most athletic team, and I do not want to be in a footrace with them at the end of the day." They approach a uniformed officer, who points them right back inside the complex they just stepped out of. Which, if we had to narrow it down to one incident, is when they won the leg. IF they did win it, that is. No spoilers here!
Jen and Kisha are in their elaborate costumes, so now they have to go out onstage and present themselves to the opera master, an elaborate figure himself in gold robes and long white mustaches. They bow, and get their clue.
Too late, because Victor and Tammy have already found the U-Turn sign, inside a room off the main opera house. Check out this description from Frommers.com: "To the right of the main entrance is a small museum filled with old opera robes and photos of famous performers (including the legendary Mei Lanfang), probably interesting only to aficionados." There's about to be a lot more interest in this room, I can tell you, but that's some time from now. "We're U-Turning Jen and Kisha," Victor announces. "Sorry, I can't outrun you!" they write on Jen and Kisha's photo after sticking it up on the sign. Victor interviews that they had decided in advance to U-Turn Jen and Kisha, who they think would have U-Turned them given the chance. Which is odd, because weren't they standing right there when Kisha and Jen had that meltdown with Margie and Luke on the mat in Guilin? Or did they cunningly replace themselves with cardboard cutouts when things started getting awkward? It would certainly explain a lot. Having sandbagged the sisters, they turn and pull the clue out of the clue box standing right there. They're being sent to Dong Hua Men Yi Shi Market, which looks like a row of food stands where they'll find the clue. "We're hoping that our U-Turn works and they're eliminated this leg," Tammy says in the cab. Well, yeah, if you U-Turn someone, it's not like you're going to want to hang out with them. That's a good way to be held accountable, you know.
Of course, before that happens, Kisha and Jen have to find the U-Turn sign. But now they're coming out of the Opera House yelling in all directions in terrible Mandarin as they run along the sidewalk. Power-line notes of It's Right Behind You, Idiots accompany the shot of the place they're supposed to be.
Margie has finished up with Luke, and he really doesn't look any better than she does. Shut up, Margie. She snipes at him as he tries to help her into her costume. Shut up some more, Margie. Not for the first time, I wonder if Luke's deafness isn't a lifestyle choice.
Jaime and Cara have arrived at the opera house. But Jaime doesn't see a marked path. Nor do I see the right opera house. Instead of looking at a traditional-style building in an urban setting, we're looking at a low silver dome isolated on a hill, which any idiot knows is the National Opera. They get inside and are quickly set straight, with Jaime predictably snarling, "Stupid taxi driver" as they walk back to the street to find a new cab. Hey, lady, you were the ones who communicated your destination with a high C. Anyway, they have no way of knowing this, and I only know because of Google maps, but it's only about seven minutes away from the right opera house. But why pass up an opportunity to berate a cabbie, as Jaime always says.
The Opera Master seems satisfied with Margie and Luke's makeup jobs, because he gives them their clue in third place. I hope it reads in part, "Shut up, Margie."
Tammy and Victor find the food stalls, and then the clue box once they're out of their cab. It's a Road Block. Phil approaches the stall, explaining that the person doing this Road Block "must stare down the gullet of something common in Beijing, but strange and alien to Westerners." He accepts a plate from the vendor and waves a fried grasshopper-kebab at the camera, calling it, "The ultimate in Chinese delicacies." The chyron simply calls the Road Block "Eat Street Food," while Phil says it's about eating "these crispy creatures: grasshoppers [which are fried fully intact], larvae [fat as your thumb, if you have really fat thumbs], scorpions [black and speared on a long skewer], and starfish." A clean plate will earn them their clue. You know, one of the things I've enjoyed about this new season is the lack of challenges that force Racers to eat something large and/or gross. I thought it was a conscious decision to get rid of those, along with other improvements this season like the abridgment of the airport sequences and not casting a bunch of total fucksticks. But now here we are, back in the kind of Fear Factor territory I thought we'd left behind. Again, maybe the producers are getting tired as well. "Eat Street Food," indeed.
"Who's got a taste for adventure?" Victor reads from the clue, and he's taking it. "That's so gross!" he sings out in Mandarin upon getting a load of the wares. Nice of him to say that so the people making it could understand him. Tammy tells him not to even look at it, but the big white sign cards in English over everything are clearly not designed to help anyone with that. Victor's about to start popping larvae, but he's relieved to learn that it's all going to be fried first. "Please fry it well," he says as it's dumped in the sizzling wok. He half-wonders if there's ketchup, and when he gets his plate he takes it over to a bench to enjoy it sitting down. "I'm so proud of you, but not envious," Tammy says from a safe distance. Victor gets chewing.
Kisha and Jen are still wandering around that sidewalk, conscious of both looking ridiculous and being lost. "I looked a hot mess after a while," Kisha says. Being a princess is not all it's cracked up to be, Kisha.
Margie and Luke emerge from the opera house and begin their own quest. "When we walked outside, Luke said, it's not usually that far," Margie interviews. "U-Turns have to be close to the Detour," Luke adds through her. Can't accuse Luke of not knowing his Race.
Jaime and Cara are still in search of a taxi on the busy highway that passes in front of the National Opera, but every one of them is occupied. "It's cause China's so damn populated, that's why there's no fricking empty taxis," Jaime complains. She tries to flag down some passing bicyclists for help, and when that doesn't work, says, "Surely they know the name 'taxi' and they're playing dumb." I would agree with the first part of her statement after hearing Tammy and Victor hailing cabs with a sound like "tak-shii" for the last three episodes, but as for the second part, perhaps it's the bicyclists who think that Jaime's the stupid one for not being able to find one on her own. Besides, if these locals were big cab users, they wouldn't be on bicycles, would they? Duh. They run up to one that's empty and hung up in traffic, saying, "Emergency, emergency!" But the cab drives away without them. "This is it for us," Jaime says. "This is how you lose a race because we never fucking have a damn taxi. Ever. Ever!" Oh, if only she knew they were only a mile and a half from where they're supposed to be, they could just walk there. They'll be doing more walking than that later in the episode anyway.
A commercial break later, they finally get a taxi. "Whether he knows or not, we're taking it," Jaime declares.
"Even the locals are grossed out," Tammy observes as Victor chokes down a scorpion. Must be his manners. I mean, local delicacy or not, nobody wants to see those bug-legs sticking out between his lips. She does a little dance to show he's doing great and asks him what's . He swallows a grasshopper popper. "It's perfect. I didn't eat breakfast today," he says. Got to give him credit; it's not everyone who can be that positive while eating an insect.
Kisha and Jen come up empty when they ask a storekeeper where they're going. "It's in their own language," Jen complains. Yes, and I can tell you exactly where every obscure establishment in Minneapolis is, as long as you ask me in English.
Jaime and Cara are in the right neighborhood, because they spot Margie and Luke wandering around in costume. "We're not too far behind," Cara says hopefully. They stop and ask Margie if there's been a U-Turn yet, and she says it's coming up. They run into the Opera House hoping it's not going to be them. Margie drafts a local to show them where to go, and hurries her along, which is why it's too bad that we can clearly see that the faster they move in their current direction, the more distance they'll put between themselves and where they're supposed to be.
Jaime and Cara choose "Beijing Opera," because they're great at doing makeup. Even better than they are at speaking Mandarin? Oh, I would have loved seeing Jaime try to get through that one. Ideally, she would have prevailed on someone to speak English to her and thus earned a half-hour penalty for breaking the rules of the task. Let's hope that's on the DVD.
Victor cracks open the shell of the starfish, which is filled with what looks like tasty stuffing. "It is not," Victor assures Tammy. "It looks like fish innards." What are the chances? He finishes up (he does not have to eat the starfish shell, apparently), and they get their clue. They are still, obviously and commandingly, in first place.
Pit Stop! Phil says they now need to get to Niao Chao. "Also known as the Bird's Nest," Phil says, "It was the centerpiece of the 2008 Beijing Olympics." Also known? You give me too much credit, Phil. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated." Unless there are going to be four teams in the finale. Of course Tammy and Victor know exactly where that is, because they were here for the Olympics. I'm looking forward to the final leg back in the U.S., where all the teams will be forced to race frantically around Team Family Law's neighborhood, culminating in a final task at one of their homes in which the goal is to find specific items in their kitchen and closets as quickly as possible.
The sisters are still searching, and Kisha claims it's been an hour. "It would be nice if Victor and Tammy got there first and U-Turned Jennifer and Kisha," Margie says down the street from them. "If Jennifer and Kisha got there first I think we're screwed, so..." Luke doesn't really have time for her to stand there talking to their crew, so he leads her away. Probably even further in the wrong direction.
Team Go Team is all made up (Jaime is the princess, you'll be flabbergasted to learn), and they get their clue sending them to the U-Turn on foot. "We've gotta go on foot so we've gotta ask people around here," Jaime says as they scurry out, leaving the right place behind, just like everyone else before them save Team Family Law. They find someone to point them down the street, and run off in that direction hoping either Kisha|Jen or Margie|Luke have already been U-Turned. "As long as it's not us, that's all that matters," Cara agrees. Which I think is the meanest thing we've ever heard Cara say, unless you count some of the stuff she's said about Jaime while sitting to her.
So now there are three teams wandering up and down the street, equally lost. Team Go Team meets up with Margie and Luke, and Margie says they've been up and down that street several times. They split up again, and Margie's guide, who was on her cell phone a minute ago, says her friend told her it's in the opera house. So they head back that way. While Jaime and Cara wander on, Margie and Luke find the right place. "It was right in front of our faces," Margie says. Obviously they're happy to se the big photo of Kisha and Jen on the U-Turn sign. They run right out and get a taxi, and Margie has their guide tell the driver where to go. "Very happy Kisha and Jennifer got U-Turned," Margie says once they're safely encabbed. "For Jaime and Cara, I think it's going to be really important," she continues. "That U-Turn could be a deciding factor." Well, it'll be one of many as we'll see.
Across town at the Bird's Nest, Tammy and Victor are already de-cabbing. Clearly no suspense as to who was gong to win this leg. Standing to a local in a plain white parka (the Amazing Costumers are coasting too now? Really?), Phil points out their approach, and after three episodes set in China, Tammy and Victor finally reach a mat first. The greeter welcomes them to Beijing, and Phil tells them they're team number one. He congratulates them on being one of the final three teams, and tells them they've won a trip for two to the Galapagos islands. Which includes snorkeling, so when Phil says, "This is a vacation you'll never forget," it's easy to believe. They interview about how happy they are to be in the final three, and not underestimating anyone else. "I'm going in counting on being number one," Victor says.
Now Jaime and Cara have met up with Jen and Kisha. One wonders what the locals think of all these garishly made-up Americans wandering around with backpacks over their silk robes. Jaime complains some more, and Jen says they're going to return to the Opera House. Team Go Team wishes them luck and Jaime asks if they should do the same. Cara says they'll just get pointed back there, "And we're going to be annoyed." Well, we certainly wouldn't want anything to happen that might annoy Jaime, especially when such things are so easily avoidable. They take a moment to wonder where Margie and Luke went. "They went down that street and they never came back," Cara says. Well, ladies, maybe there's something to that. You think?
Margie orders up her street food. "Extra crispy, please," she says. She eats standing at the counter, while Luke gets to work opening one of the four bottles of water that are apparently provided. Sure, now he wants to make sure she has water.
Jen finds the entrance to the U-Turn, "Right. Where. We were." The U-Turn does not thrill them, and they even call the note "so annoying." I suppose they already knew they could outrun Team Family Law after doing it in Guilin. Off to the restaurant they go. They set their gnome down in its waiting seat and start taking orders. Obviously they have to do it phonetically. And with lots of requests for people to repeat themselves. Have the people been sitting in this restaurant the whole time? I hope they at least got something to eat.
Jaime and Cara are sent back the way they came. "We're obviously missing something," Jaime says. That's the kind of incisive analysis that has gotten them this far.
Margie crunches her way through the road block, pausing for a drink and a shudder. Luke? Laughs. Although he might be laughing at her makeup. "Who was the ham-fisted moron who did your eyebrows?" he might be signing for all I know.
After taking the orders, Jen says, "All righty, here goes nothing," and leads Kisha back to the kitchen. And here's the best part of the whole episode, if not the whole season. Whereas one of the diners ordered "Fried Chicken" in Mandarin, whatever the sisters wrote down and repeat to the chef comes out as the Mandarin phrase for Monthly Use Taiwanese Chicken." One can't help but wonder if "monthly use" is some kind of network-imposed euphemistic translation of "tampon," in which case, mmm-MM! The uniformed waiters standing nearby display admirable poker faces. "Vegetarian Noodles" becomes "Good Western Heads Lack Fish." They certainly do in my experience. The sisters get gonged, of course, and return to the table. After making one guy repeat "Golden Pork Spare Ribs" twice, Jen shakes her head and says, "We black, not Chinese."
Jaime and Cara? Still lost.
Margie cracks open her starfish and gives Luke a whiff. "Smells good," he lies.
For Kisha and Jen's second attempt, they relay "New Taste Beef" as "Oil Comes Again to Please the Mouth." Gong! The lady who ordered "Good Luck Fish" is getting "Good Doll Basket Drum." Hey, they're getting closer! Both phrases have the word for "good" in them. But the poor guy who wants "Golden Pork Spare Ribs" would have to make do with "Light Competition Dishes I've Played Before" if the chef didn't send them back for another try. The waiters are losing their poker faces, possibly at the idea of someone who ordered pork spare ribs getting a diet dish instead.
Team Go Team's crazy makeup can't conceal their anguish as they get more unhelpful directions. "By far one of the worst days of my life," Jaime says. That sounds like an inspirational poster, Jaime-style: "Today is the worst day of the rest of your life."
Margie finishes downing her food, and soon they're in a cab to the Bird's Nest.
"Here goes nothing," Jen says again before another return trip to the kitchen. Kisha recites the orders, and the lack of amusing subtitles tells us they're getting it right, which the chef confirms.
Team Go Team is being reduced to offering to pay a local to show them where to go. "We've been looking for three hours," Jaime says. Yikes! That is a long day. Unfortunately for them, he's too busy to come with them. Or else he's heard about Jaime and wants nothing to do with her. In the cab to the Pit Stop, Margie looks forward to someone's elimination, "And then we can have the final three."
Kisha and Jen deliver their dishes, and now they're in third place as they read the clue sending them to the street stalls. "We're still in this!" Kisha says.
And how, because the cheerleaders are still lost. "This is why I did not want to go to China," Jaime says. "It sucks." Beat that China expertise, Tammy and Victor! And the second act-out of the show ends with them at a complete loss. Cara, in fact, has sunk to a squat on her backpack, her red facepaint making her look for all the world like a demon who is disconsolate about having just gotten booted out of Hell.Yeah, I have a four-year-old, commercials. What, you think I'm not going to see Up?
Team Go Team's lostness continues, and Jaime suggests going back to start over. So that's what they do.
But they've got such a long walk ahead of them for that that Kisha and Jen have already arrived at the street stalls. Jen's got a "taste for adventure," until she sees what she's about to eat. "At least they're fried," she says. "Do you have ketchup?" They still don't. You'd think they'd have come up with some, after all these requests. Some ranch dressing, at the very least. "Here goes nothing," she says for the third time this episode as she eats a grasshopper. "Does it taste like chicken?" Kisha asks. "Hell no," is the answer as Jen takes a swig of water. You might miss it on first viewing if you're not looking for it, but that water bottle is practically glowing with portent.
Back at the opera house, Jaime says, "Wouldn't it be awesome if it's just been here the entire time? I wouldn't even be able to stand it." Because standing things is usually Jaime's strong suit. When they find it, even the U-Turn doesn't cheer Jaime up, as she thinks Kisha and Jen have already finished it. "First of all," Cara says as she opens the clue, "If we're going to be defeatist, then why even bother continuing?" "Oh, as if you haven't been acting that way the whole time, Cara," Jaime bitches, snatching the clue out of the folder. While Cara looks at the camera like, "Can you believe her?" (which, yes, Cara, we can), Jaime reads the clue. She still hasn't stopped bitching as they leave the building: "As I said in the first place, we should have just come back to the opera place and retrace our steps." Cara says okay, then, it'll be all her fault for wanting to listen to someone. "My apologies." Ooh, is Cara getting snarky? At least they seem to get a cab quickly once they reach the street, and Cara says, by way of explanation of that heated exchange, "I think we're both just kind of pooped." Well, Cara's pooped, and Jaime's just Jaime. "But, we shall have to remain hopeful, right?" Jaime can't manage more than an exhausted, dead-eyed nod. Not that I have any real objection to her not talking.
Luke and Margie arrive at the mat, and Phil just nods blankly at them. "I hope we're still in it," Luke tells his mom. Phil says/signs that they're team number two, and congratulates them. He also congratulates them on being in the final three. All three of them look pretty happy, and Luke does a little dance as he signs that he can't believe he's in the final three. Margie interviews that she started out doing this for Luke, but that's not the case any more. "I'm having such a great time, and it means the world to me." She should probably not threaten to quit any more, then.
Jen is taking little bites and big drinks as Kisha says she doesn't think the cheerleaders have been there yet. Oops, there they are. Kisha tells Jen to hurry, but Jen's confident in her lead. "Unless they have no gag reflexes." Are you kidding me, Jen? They're cheerleaders. Cara's taking this one, and Jaime tells her. "You just gotta shove 'em down your throat." Jen loudly crunches something, and takes another drink. Jaime notices Jen's technique and tells Cara she won't taste it as much if she eats quickly. "We're still in the Race." Cara takes her tray while Jen's still nibbling, and gets right to it. "You ate that like it was tasty!" Jaime says happily. Indeed, Cara's ripping through these fried bugs like they're a bag of chips, while Jen spits up in a pail. Can Team Go Team actually pull this out? "You all right?" Kisha asks Jen. "No," Jen" says quietly. "And I gotta pee," she adds, taking yet another drink. Kisha's not surprised, and suggests she drink less. Jen says it's the only thing getting it down. Maybe now would be a good time for Jen to call on her fear of water. Jaime is openly laughing at the way Cara is tearing through her snacks. "I am thoroughly amazed, I don't know what to say right now!" she says. But Jen has too much of a head start for even Cara to catch up with her, and as the sisters leave, Kisha wishes the cheerleaders luck. "Just tell me we're still in the race," Cara says, the first time she's paid attention to anything but her food since she started. Looking down the street, Jaime says the sisters still don't have a cab, and to keep going. By the time they get one, Cara's almost finished. I am never going to a family-style restaurant with her.
"I'm literally picking critters out of my teeth," Jen says in the back of the taxi she's found with Kisha. "And I have to pee from the four bottles of water I chugged in the process." Cara finishes up, and she drinks some water as Jaime reads the clue and they secure a cab. They jump in, and oops! Forgot their gnome. "Oh silly gnome," Cara says indulgently to it as she runs back to retrieve it. Cutest gnome moment (or "gnoment") of the episode. But once they pull away in the taxi, even she is repeating, "Fast, fast, fast!" Once they're underway, Cara says they're hoping to catch up, and she thinks she "champed out" on the Road Block. And chomped out. "That was actually fricking amazing," Jaime says. Credit where it's due.
So now it's a taxi race. Jen's saying, "I think I'm gonna ask Phil, can I pee before he checks us in." And the cheerleaders have gotten themselves an Indy driver for a cabbie. "Where was he this whole trip?" they both wonder as he races them past bicyclists as though they're standing still. "Jen about to run 100 in about nine seconds because she got to pee! And it ain't no joke!" Jen proclaims. And for future reference, the way to shut Jaime up is to drive fast enough to actually frighten her.
The sisters get out of their cab in view of the Water Cube, and start hurrying toward the crowds milling around the Bird's Nest for some reason. Is there a swap meet going on in there today or something? What does Jen have to say in this significant moment, when she has a chance to survive the series of incredible setbacks that have plagued them this entire leg? "I'm gonna pee on myself," of course.
The cheerleaders get their first view of the Bird's Nest from the cab. "That thing is big," Jaime obviouses. Which is going to make it kind of tricky to find Phil, clearly. Outside the Water Cube (the sight of which can't be helping Jen with her current predicament), Kisha points out a line of port-a-potties to Jen and she ducks inside one. Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me. Kisha is left standing outside, and the Amazing Cameraman has a great shot of her speaking to us, with the "Occupied" sign above Jen's toilet glowing redly over Kisha's shoulder. Kisha says it's nerve-racking. "We still don't know exactly where we're going. But I didn't want her to pee on herself, so we'll run for it when she's done." On the one hand, a million dollars. On the other hand, dry pants. Hmmm...
Team Go Team has their driver stop while Jen's still in there, and they start running around looking for Phil and the mat. They don't see anything. "Come on, Jen," Kisha calls. Hey, four bottles takes a long time to come out, plus that robe she's in can't be easy to negotiate in a port-a-potty. The cheerleaders are calling out, "Niao Chao?" at random, as though they aren't almost literally in its shadow. The sisters seem to be quite a bit further away when Jen emerges, looking wrung out and several pounds lighter. I think her eyes have actually receded in their sockets. Both teams wander around some more, and the sisters seem as close as the cheerleaders as Jen says, "It's like Where's Waldo? I hated that game!" Phil points again. Both teams run, and "I see Phil," says...Jaime. Yes, Team Go Team makes it to the mat in third place. They stand there exhausted as Phil milks it. "Jaime and Cara...I'm sorry to tell you...you're going to have to keep racing, because you are team number three! You are still in the Amazing Race." They're still celebrating as he congratulates them on being not only in the final three, but on having a crack at making history by becoming the first all-female team to win the Amazing Race. Which is technically true, I suppose, but they're going to be up against two other teams who have won seven legs between them, whereas the only Pit Stop Jaime and Cara reached first turned out to not be a Pit Stop at all. So yes, I suppose I would have to admit that they have a slightly better chance of becoming the first all-female team to win than I do. Cara hugs Phil and the greeter, probably getting red facepaint all over her white parka. "Did I tell you that there's always hope?" Cara says to Jaime.
Kisha and Jen are happy and smiling when they make it to the mat, but Phil is not. They are Philiminated. "Dammit," Jen says, and raises a hand to her eyes in a way that causes her big sleeve to completely hide her face. Phil asks her, "You had to stop for the bathroom?" How is he getting these updates so quickly? Phil tells her it was a matter of seconds. "Can you tell me about how you're feeling right now?" she asks. Oh, Phil, I'm sure she's ready to do a pee-pee dance of joy. "I feel guilty as hell, I had to use the bathroom," she quavers. "And if it came down to ten seconds or however many seconds it came down to, then, that's on me." And worst of all, I bet she has to pee again. Phil asks Kisha, "You don't want her to live with that, do you?" Kisha says she doesn't, and says she won't hold it against her. "She's been a strong competitor through all this, so I'm not gonna say that she lost it for us, because she's a big part of why we got this far." Thanks for saying what you weren't going to say. Still, just like Jen said at the beginning of the leg, I'm guessing this loss is going to weigh heavily on her heart. Or her bladder, as the case may be.
In a post-Philimination interview, Kisha says that this made her look at Jen differently, "Like she's not my little sister anymore." Whoa, disowning her? Harsh. Back at the mat, Jen says she's glad Kisha's proud of her. "I'm extremely proud of her. I wouldn't have picked anybody else to do this with. We've grown as people and as sisters. I think this just brought us a little closer together." In a tearful solo interview, Jen calls it "an amazing experience that I didn't want to share with anybody other than my sister." And as we see them walking away from the mat, she says, "I enjoyed every minute of it." Especially, whatever she may say otherwise, that minute or two she spent in the port-a-potty. There are some things a million dollars can't buy, and that kind of sweet relief is one of them.
Hey, you know what's not here? Pre-finale interviews full of bravado from the final three. And I don't miss them one bit.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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