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So here are the Season 14 teams: flight attendants Christie and Jodi; sibling lawyers Tammy and Victor; Margie and Luke, her son, who is totally deaf; Steve and Linda, who are from Virginia and thus fully expect to be dismissed as "hicks from the sticks;" sisters Kisha and Jen; dating control freaks Preston and Jennifer; Brad and Victoria, the older couple who have been married a mere nine years; Mel and Mike, gay father and son, the latter of whom is in fact Hollywood screenwriter Mike White; conjoined dating couple Amanda and Kris; vertically challenged sibling stuntmen Mark and Michael; and ex-NFL cheerleaders Jaime and Cara.
The teams depart from Los Alamedos, California to Locarno, Switzerland by plane and train, where they spend their first night on the race at a bug-infested campground before racing to a Goldeneye-style bungee-jump roadblock. Then it's off to Interlaken, where teams have to schlep fifty-pound cheese wheels down a steep, slippery hill, using these rickety wooden carriers that are worse than useless while locals laugh openly at them. Many cheeses escape at high speed, and many pairs of pants are ruined.
Finally, the sound of yodeling ironical guides Margie and Luke to the Pit Stop, where Phil carefully signs to them that they're team number one. Tammy|Victor and Mark|Michael arrive close enough behind them to witness Luke's emotional moment. The middle of the pack includes Mel|Mike, Brad|Victoria, Jaime|Cara, Kisha|Jen, and Steve|Linda, who barely recover from getting lost at the Pit Stop parking lot. Finally, it's a footrace for last place between the flight attendants and Preston|Jennifer, the latter of whom can now continue their petty bickering at home. Sounds great to me.
And fancy updated production features include jacked-up credits and theme song, new subtitle fonts, 24-style splitscreen transitions, and new map animations in which the Amazing Yellow Line is conspicuously absent. Hmmm.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!As a pair of large military helicopters roar in over the Pacific Ocean -- presumably with 22 Amazing Racers inside them -- Phil gets into the spirit of the teams' mode of transportation towards the starting line: "0700 hours," he intones, "and the dawn of a new adventure." He tells us that the teams are headed for the Joint Forces Training Base in Los Alamitos, California (not Los Alamedos, as my ignorant ass spelled it in the recaplet). Apparently some kind of race is about to start.
So it's time to meet the teams. We're starting with the blondes. There's always a pair of blondes, so we might as well get them out of the way. But in this case, at least they have a hook that isn't wearing pink all the time. Christie and Jodi are a pair of flight attendants who plan to use the travel knowledge they've amassed in their careers in order to do well in the race. I approve of that, even if "Flight Attendants" is harder to type than "Blondes." One of them also says that in foreign countries, "Blonde women can get away with murder," which they plan to take advantage of. I approve of that rather less. If that's how they're going to play it, it's going to take very little screwing up on their part to convince me to demote them to "Blondes Mark 14."
Tammy and Victor are siblings and lawyers, who apparently share a loft apartment and play the piano together a lot. Tammy explains that they both went to Harvard Law School, although not at the same time, since Victor is a decade older. "Nine years," Victor corrects fussily. Victor seems a little on the fussy side, if you know what I mean. He says that he's used to seeing his sister as the attention-seeking three-year-old she used to be, and she's hoping to show him that he can rely on her. First get him to stop shoving you off the piano bench, missy.
Margie and Luke are mother and son, and Luke is completely deaf. He also does not lip-read, so his mother is his translator. They demonstrate how this works for the interview cameras, as he uses American Sign Language to say that he's on the Race to show that deaf people can do it too while Margie translates. I don't understand ASL, but my wife Trash does, and I will be calling on her periodically throughout the season to make sure Luke is really saying what everyone says he is.
Steve and Linda are from Virginia, and are aware that they might fit some people's stereotypes of what Steve calls "hicks from the sticks." We see them hanging out in the front yard of what looks like a pretty isolated home, and doing some fly-fishing (they're at least sophisticated enough to own hip-waders) as Linda says that's fine, and Steve says it's also probably true. I'll not only try to avoid easy jokes predicated on hillbilly stereotypes, I'll also be the first to say that it's not Steve's fault that he bears a certain physical resemblance to Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
Kisha and Jen are sisters, and former college athletes, although it looks like they're still playing a lot of one-on-one basketball these days. My stereotype-detector is going off, but I guess I should be glad that two African-American sisters aren't shown playing tennis. They're looking forward to their first time being on the same team, although not as much to dealing with each other's "issues." Whatever that means.
I hate Preston and Jennifer almost on sight. Preston says that their relationship is a constant battle between them over who's going to be in charge, and claims that when he's the one in control, everything goes right. "That is not true," Jennifer protests. Well, every season needs a trainwreck couple.
Brad and Victoria describe themselves as the "kick-ass older couple." In a departure from the usual demographic on this show, they've been married only nine years. And they look to have spent much of that time in the gym.
Then there's gay father-and-son team Mel and Mike. Mike says he and his dad are both writers, as we see them tapping away on laptops and doing yoga in sunshine that looks like it should be turning Mike to dust. You may already know Mike as Mike White. "I wrote a movie called School of Rock," he says modestly. He also wrote and starred in Chuck and Buck, which certainly used his odd looks to good advantage. He says that being gay with a gay parent is kind of nice; you don't feel like you disappointed them because they "beat you to the punch." Must make it easier to get dating advice, too.
Not much to say about Amanda and Kris, except that they talk about how they want to spend all of their time together for the rest of their lives. Good thing they're both so easy on the eyes.
As brothers Mark and Michael show off a few stuntman moves in a park, Mark explains, "Michael and I are in kind of a small niche." Apparently they do stunt-double work for kids in movies. And they enjoy the cliché about big things in small packages. They're not Charla-short, but they're easily the shortest team this season. They look pretty intent on having a good time, so that's always nice.
Finally we meet Jaime and Cara, a couple of red-haired, nearly identical ex-NFL cheerleaders. We get to watch them do a little routine in a park, which is kind of refreshing after having to see Nick and Starr do that during the credits all last season. One of the cheerleaders says that aggressive women are viewed as bitches, which she thinks is unfair, but she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her anyway. Well, which is it? "She's not lying," the other one says. She's so afraid of her partner.
So let's run the stats: we've got two married couples, two dating couples, three sets of siblings, two parent/child teams, two friend/coworker teams, a Jen and a Jennifer, a Mike and a Michael, two teams of people whose names begin with M, and several single-gender teams where I can't yet tell which of them is who. Confused yet?
With the introductions out of the way, the teams all line up along the tarmac before Phil, who delivers his usual speech. If there's anything new they need to know, he's not telling them now. "Go!" he hollers. The teams sprint to their luggage and open the clues waiting there for them. They're going to Switzerland! And then it's off to the usual line of parked Mercedeses, and onto the road, while everyone expresses amazement at being on The Amazing Race. Well, it wouldn't be Amazing otherwise, would it?
Hey, here's something new: check out these fancy credits! It's the same theme, but now it's all punched up with electric guitars and bursts of choral singing. And the editing is somehow zippier, befitting a late-aughts show. Welcome to Season 14.
Okay, I have to come clean about something. I watched this live, assuming the little red light on my DVR meant it was recording the show, when in fact it was only recording Big Love over on HBO. So I lost a couple of minutes while scrambling to transfer the show from the DVR's one-hour memory to VHS. Rookie mistake, I know. But look at it this way: the producers have promised a lot less airport wrangling this season, and since most of what I missed concentrated on airport wrangling, let's just say I took it a step further.
So even though I don't have precise details or exact quotes, I can tell you that as usual, when the teams get to LAX they have to choose between two flights out of the originating airport to their first destination. The plane that leaves first is a Lufthansa flight to Zurich. Aboard this one are Tammy and Victor, who explain that they didn't want to purposely pick the latest-leaving flight; the Flight Attendants, Christie and Jodi; Team Go Team, Jaime and Cara; Mark|Michael, Brad|Victoria, and Margie|Luke. In an interview, Margie has to translate a comment from Luke about how he's worried about his mom being far behind him. "So I'm an old, slow person," she signs back. "Nooo," he says in his own voice. These two seem to get along pretty well, which is good since she's his link to the hearing world. The plane Lufts off.
The second flight is with Air France, landing in Milan. It carries Kisha|Jen (who, with the aid of a laptop-armed passenger at the airport, learned that Milan, Italy is somehow closer to Locarno, Switzerland than Zurich, Switzerland is); Mel and Mike, who are looking forward to surprising people ("I think the other teams might think my dad is Cloris Leachman, but he's really MacGyver," Mike says); Amanda|Kris, Preston|Jennifer, and Steve|Linda. The last team says they've done some traveling, but nothing on this magnitude. I'd guess that just going to the grocery store for them racks up a significant number of miles. One thing I do appreciate about these two: you know how most teams look like they went shopping and outfitted themselves with all new gear for the Race? Matching outfits, high-tech backpacks, headlamps, ironic t-shirts? Well, Steve and Linda, with their army surplus jackets and backpacks...don't.
As promised, the Lufthansa flight lands first, in Zurich. Fortunately, there's a train station right there in the airport, and the five teams who chose this route board their train to Lucarno without difficulty. The six teams landing in Milan, however, have to actually leave the airport and walk a few blocks to get to their trains, and only five of them get there in time to board the first train to depart. So who gets left behind? We get a clue when Jennifer confesses, "I've never in my life even been to a train station." And she doesn't get to this one on time, either. "Way to go," she mutters as the train leaves without them. It's not certain whether that's aimed at Preston or at themselves as a team, but either way it's not a terribly positive sentiment.
The racers who opted for the Zurich route may have a longer train ride, but they get way better scenery. Brad, in fact, is moved to tears. So while he may be old, we know he isn't crusty. Tammy and Victor interview about what they've observed of Margie and Luke on the train: "Their communication together is amazing!" they marvel, as though they've never seen anyone sign before. Here's a tip, guys: it's rude to eavesdrop.
A slick, 24-style splitscreen serves as the transition to the train from Milan, aboard which the passengers are wondering if they're behind or ahead of the other group. And finally Preston and Jennifer board the train, as Jennifer says, "There is no love in the air right now... I can't be around frustrated Preston." He's not going to let that slide: "You say stuff that just irritates me because you don't think." Way to talk about your feelings, dude. She advises him to control his anger, and he snaps back at her to control her mouth. I don't think it's her mouth that's the main problem, dude. They bicker like a couple of siblings, as he taunts her that she won't get the last word. I see that Preston is one of those people who always has a reliable communication technique to fall back on when things get tense: "Go nuclear immediately."
The Zurich train has stopped at a station, and the Flight Attendants have a seatmate who also happens to be traveling to Locarno, just like them. Funny thing: she's changing trains now. The Blondes decide to follow her, hoping to shave 13 minutes off their travel time. The other teams on the train notice their departure and wonder what's going on, but they're not about to take the chance of following them. And that's how Christie and Jodi reach the Locarno station first. Ladies and gentlemen, your very first "currently in first place" team. Looks like the flight attendant experience is paying off already.
Phil informs us that it's now time to hoof it to the Church of San Antonio. Shit, all the way to Texas? No, not really. There, a sign-in book has been made up to look like a Medieval illuminated manuscript, with the page broken down into three departure times the morning: 7:15, 7:30, and 7:45. The priest waiting to it will also hand them a rolled-up message when they arrive. The Flight Attendants get directions to the church, and follow a pair of older ladies as their guides. Funny thing about these two: instead of equipping themselves with the usual backpacks, they've opted for rolling suitcases. Well, I guess that's what they're used to. I wonder if they're also going to have trouble adapting to riding on airplanes while facing forward.
As the other train from Zurich arrives, the teams pile off it and Luke is literally dragging Margie by the hand down the platform. It's getting dark as they fan out looking for directions. But by now, Christie and Jodi have already found the right place. Before running over to sign in, they take a moment to kiss and hug their guides gratefully. Then it's off across the pebble-paved plaza, a surface that causes their suitcase wheels to make enough noise to bring the other teams running. As the priest watches, they sign in first and earn their 7:15 departure time. So far, so good. The message the priest handed them reads, "Follow the map to the campsite." Not so good.
Tammy and Victor arrive , followed by Margie|Luke and Mark|Michael, who get the last 7:15 slot. to arrive are Brad|Victoria, who will leave the morning at 7:30, along with Jaime and Cara, the cheerleaders. "We beat Air France!" Victor celebrates, high-fiving his sister. From what little I've heard about Air France, that isn't necessarily a huge accomplishment.
That first train bearing the Air France passengers from Milan arrives, and with little transition, we see the four teams wandering the Locarno streets at night. Steve is already giving Linda a hard time, because it turns out she's not too fast on her feet. That seems like it might have been something worth exploring before signing up to be in a RACE. Mel and Mike are first of the Milan cohort to arrive at the church, securing that last 7:30 slot for themselves. are Kisha and Jen, who are the first in the last group, leaving at 7:45. That's the kind of thing that Andrew and Dan would have considered a major victory. Then come Amanda and Kris, while Steve is still exhorting Linda to hurry up already. She's completely out of breath and slowing them to a walk. "Damn, Linda. We're last at everything we do," he bitches at her after they sign in for the tenth of eleven slots. Last at counting, too, apparently.
Preston and Jennifer are just now arriving at the Locarno station, and he rushes her along so they can have a nice, clean, last-place finish. It's never a good feeling when you're in last place during the first leg. But it's still early, so there's plenty of time to catch up. And then fall behind again, let's hope.
We rejoin the rest of the Racers as they bed down for the night on hay in a bug-infested campground, apparently without benefit of cabins, tents, or mosquito netting. "No one would think a deaf person could make it to the top four," Margie translates for Luke. A bit early for that kind of talk. And also for this: around the campfire, Steve berates Linda, "We're just slow. And there ain't a damn thing you can do about it." Linda's clearly upset already, but apparently Steve thinks that if he can make her cry tonight, she might move faster tomorrow. Well, we shall see.
Early the morning, the 7:15 departure crowd presents itself back at the church steps, where the same priest hands them their clue. It's a postcard of a towering dam that reads, what else, "Wish you were here" on the back. Phil explains to us what this means: "Teams must now race to the Verzasca Dam, where they will find their clue." Have you noticed how in every description of a travel task, Phil is now saying "race" where he used to say "make their way" or "travel by taxi"? Just another way in which the show has jacked things up this season. The stuntman brothers, Mark and Michael, quickly find a cabbie who knows where it is and they're soon on their way. Tammy and Victor cab up in second, with Margie and Luke in third. But the Flight Attendants, with their mighty and powerful travel knowledge, can't find a taxi on the street and decide to stand there waiting around for one to drive by. Oh, dear.
In place of a subtitle, a shot of a picturesque clock tower tells us it's 7:30, as the cheerleaders try to borrow a cell phone to call a taxi in a sidewalk café, and strike out. Apparently redheads can't get arrested in foreign countries. Mel and Mike are already in a cab, having walked around behind the church. And in fifth place, Victoria tells Brad they might catch up with some "seven-fifteeners," which is a term I can't believe I haven't used myself. And they don't even know that they've already passed the Flight Attendants, who have finally secured a cab. "Mas importante," one of them tells their driver in the international language of Spanish. Team Go Team spots Christie and Jodi's cab crossing at the end of the street, for all the good it does them.
The Stuntmen arrive at Valle Verzasca first, and read the clue: "Who has nerves of steel?" Well, obviously it's a bungee-jump roadblock, which is illustrated by a shot of a screaming human projectile hurtling down the concrete face of the dam. You've already seen someone diving off this dam before, if you've seen Goldeneye. Odd how this is the second time I've had call to reference that movie in as many seasons. An Amazing Producer must be a fan. But if you haven't seen Goldeneye, try picturing the Hoover Dam, if the Hoover Dam were dark gray and stretched across a river gorge so deep that it appears to reach all the way down to the center of the earth. Anyway, Phil tells us that this is the second-highest bungee-jump in the world, and after it's done, the team will get their clue. Tammy and Victor are right behind the Stuntmen, and Victor's taking it for them. It becomes a footrace, and he ends up beating the brothers to the jump platform. And I'd like to thank the editors for showing the grayer-haired stuntman brother introducing himself to the jump operator with a cheerful, "I'm Michael." Very helpful. For the two teams to arrive, Luke and Mike (the latter resplendent in a red "Yeast Lords" trucker cap) are taking this one. Brad and Victoria get a gander at the dam coming around a curve in their cab, and their driver tells them, "That's the biggest in Europe." They are suitably impressed. When they arrive at the clue box, Victoria's taking it for them. Possibly on the theory that since she's the smaller of the two of them, she'll sproing back quicker.
It must be a short drive to the dam, because the cheerleaders are still waiting by the curb for a cab as it turns 7:45 and the final group of teams is cut loose. Kisha and Jen take their postcard into a café and ask the patrons about the postcard, while I try not to be offended at the fact that the soundtrack for the African-American sisters sounds like a Stevie Wonder electric piano number. Watch it, Amazing Editors. Meanwhile, Amanda|Kris and Preston|Jennifer are getting onto cabs. Finally Team Go Team succeeds in hailing a taxi. "They left fifteen minutes ahead of us," Amanda points out as she spots them departing from inside the back of her and Kris's taxi. With all the cab wrangling, Steve and Linda have somehow gotten bumped up to ninth place. "Go fast but follow the speed limits," Linda asks their driver. His expression says, "I speak English, but that doesn't mean I understand what she wants from me."
At the dam, Victor is getting strapped into his harness. Luke frightens himself with a look over the railing. Victor climbs the stairs to the platform and gets a load of what he's in for. He narrates that he didn't know he had a fear of heights until now. Other jumpers are also getting nervous. "I'm not happy," Mike admits with a sickly grin. Even sicklier than usual, that is. Victor stands on the edge of the platform with the face of the dam at his side rather then behind him, probably so his body doesn't slap against it when he swings back. The operator counts him down, and he lets himself fall. He plummets into the abyss for approximately forever. "That was, like, Amazing," he says as he gets reeled up. The leap has an effect on the people watching above; apparently Tammy had an arm around Mark pretty tightly. "I'm scared now that I looked down," Luke signs to his mom. Back on the platform, Victor gets his clue envelope. It reads, "Take a train to Interlaken." Well, that's anticlimactic.
Phil tells us that in Interlaken, the teams will need to find a place called Kleine Rugen Wiese. Tammy and Victor are off to the train station. Meanwhile the Flight Attendants have arrived, and the more Kelly Ripa-looking one of them clearly regrets having decided to take this one when she reads, "Perform the second-highest bungee-jump in the world." Well, what did she expect? As they run towards the platform, Michael is already poised for his leap. He claims that as stuntmen, he and Mark don't have any fear. "Our background, it speaks for itself." And then he cries and shits his pants. No, not really; he leaps with a boisterous "Yaaaaah!" Of course his breath doesn't last him all the way down, because that's like a ten-minute fall. The Flight Attendant who's about to do this is freaking out. "This'll be the most amazing thing you'll ever do," her partner promises. Is that the right thing to say? "Do this and you'll know you peaked early."
Amanda and Kris have arrived, and are still reading the clue when Team Go Team jogs up. Kris is doing it for their team, but I couldn't tell you which of the cheerleaders is going even if it mattered. By now, Mark and Michael have gotten their clue and are off in second place. Margie hugs Luke goodbye as the nervous Flight Attendant meditates. Preston and Jennifer have gotten here in ninth place, and Preston is taking it for their team. The Flight Attendant can't even look at her partner's face now. It's time for Luke's jump, and he lets himself just sort of topple off the platform, as though not jumping as high will make a difference when he's likely to reach terminal velocity either way. "That was so cool, I loved it," he tells his mom once he's safely back on the dam. As Mike gets ready to leap, Mel says, "That's my son. He's gonna keep me through my old age." Which is an odd thing to say moments before said son hurls himself into a seven-hundred-foot chasm. Mike bellows "Geronimo!" as he goes over. The Flight Attendant looks like she's about to vomit. She should wait until she gets on the platform and then she can race it down. The last two teams have arrived, and Steve and either Kisha or Jen is going for it. As they race along the top of the dam towards the platform, Steven tries to psych out the sisters: "You know those things, they'll bounce back and break your neck, don't you?" But it doesn't matter, because Linda can't keep up and they are, according to Steve's insightful analysis, "last again."
Victoria makes her leap, and as she gets reeled back in tells Brad, "You have every right to be jealous!" Finally the Flight Attendant is up. "Okay, jumper," the operator calls, rather insensitively if you ask me. "I hope you're a bit nervous," he adds once she's in position. I think the reason the Race keeps having bungee jumps is because the most frightened jumper always provides a nice spot for a commercial break. As the Flight Attendant does now.
After the break, we finally learn that the Flight Attendant in question is Jodi. And when the time comes she doesn't balk, complain, or even hesitate; she just sacks up and does it, holding her breath as she goes off. "I'm so glad that's over," she tells her jump-cam in a perfectly normal tone of voice. Can't ask for more than that. Off to Interlaken for them.
Tammy and Victor have just arrived back at the Locarno train station, and are told that the train leaves in five minutes. The Stuntmen are getting train advice from their cabbie as he drops them off, and Luke and Margie are working out the division of labor when they de-cab: she'll pay and he'll get the backpacks out of the trunk. "I just want to get the train that all the other teams ahead of us are on," Mike says in the cab with his dad. Tammy and Victor are still waiting on the platform when Mark and Michael arrive, waving across the tracks at them. Tammy wants to keep quiet, but Victor points out that with three minutes left, the stuntmen are going to make the train anyway and there's no point in making enemies this early on. But he wants to split the difference by saying they're not sure. When the other teams arrive, Victor starts by telling them, "This is the story," and then he claims that they're not sure but they're taking the risk, "because it's right here, right now." His downplaying of it doesn't fool anyone, and everyone gets on the train. Mel calls them out: "It's not that we don't trust you," he "jokes." "It's just that we don't trust you." Nice job not making enemies, Victor. Now everyone just thinks you're a weasel.
Back at the dam, Kris makes the jump at 8:41, followed by Jaime at 8:49, then Preston at 8:58, Jen at 8:07, and finally Steve at 9:14. You can tell because of these new name-and-time subtitles. However, if I'm expected to remember which one of the cheerleaders is Jaime and which one of the sisters is Jen while their faces are distorted by screaming and high winds, I'm just not up for it. But fortunately Jen is helping me out by wearing a black-and-white striped hat. I'm going to count on her to hold onto that for the rest of the leg. Steve and Linda take off for the train station, still in last place. Lucky for them last only counts at the end of the leg.
Brad and Victoria are arriving back at the Locarno train station, debating between a route that goes through Luzern and another that goes through Italy. Swiss geography is tricky, dude. I suspect that when you look at maps you have to think in three dimensions. Off they go to a window marked "Agencia," which is where they still are when the arriving Flight Attendants spot them. Brad and Victoria, I think because they're still making up their minds, let Jodi and Christi cut ahead at the window, where they secure seats on a train leaving in only a minute. The Flight Attendants dash off to board. But Brad and Victoria hang back and opt for one that leaves in an hour, yet arrives in Interlaken sooner. "Let's just act like we're gonna miss it," Victoria whispers. They let the Flight Attendants take off without them on their earlier, but longer, train ride.
In Interlaken, the leading four teams have already arrived, and Kleine Rugen Wiese turns out to be pretty easy to find on foot. Might have something to do with the guys in traditional Swiss garb banging on large iron kettles. Mel|Mike are the first to reach the clue box, which tells them, "Join the local work force." Phil narrates, "Teams must now choose a pair of these traditional antique cheese racks and climb to the top of this hill. Once at the top, teams will transport two hundred pounds of cheese from this aging-shed to the bottom of the hill." Then they'll need to stack them on a long shelf attached to the shed near the clue box, and they'll get their clue. Funny, it sounds so easy when Phil says it.
But it's trickier than it sounds. The first sign of trouble is when the teams walk over to where these alleged "cheese racks" are scattered in front of the cheese house. I'm not sure how exactly to describe these cheese racks, but I'll give it a try. Imagine if you will two kinds of chairs: deck, and electric. Imagine further that kits from IKEA containing the pieces for each were dropped into a darkened cave filled with feral children who are ginked out on crystal meth. What you will fish out of that cave after two weeks is what the Swiss apparently refer to as a cheese rack. Now all you need to do is strap it onto your back, with the padded board resting on top of your head and the rickety shelf protruding straight out behind you, and you're good to go. To hell. Mel, Mike, Margie, and Luke each grab one, and then get a load of the climb ahead of them. "This is insane," Mike says. He doesn't know the half of it yet.
The two sibling teams are once again in a footrace with each other, but this time Tammy reaches the clue box inches ahead of Mark. She reaches in first, and fair play to her, but with her gloves on she's having trouble separating one envelope from the rest of them. "I'm so sorry," she says to Mark, who impatiently says, "Come on." I don't think it's getting beaten to the clue that bothers him as much as having to wait around for Ham-Fist once he's gotten there. In any case, the first four teams are soon off up the hill. It turns out to be a pretty arduous climb. "It was so slippery, and it was terrifying," Margie says in an interview. "You had a lot of mud and animal poop." Luke makes an eloquent sound of agreement. Mel is struggling with not only his rack, but a chary groin muscle. At the top, Luke and Margie have their racks on and are negotiating how they're going to do this; he says he can carry two wheels of cheese, but she's only up for one. "My cheese thing broke!" Mel complains before he even reaches the summit. It won't be the last. It looks like everyone's going to have to make two trips, since there's not a single team who can take two wheels each. Did I forget to mention that the cheese they'll have to carry comes in the form of fifty-pound wheels that are about the size of a stack of manhole covers? Because that might be relevant. Victor and Tammy start down first, followed by Luke and Margie. Suddenly the part of Margie's rack holding her cheese gives way, and the wheel drops to the ground. Where somehow, I don't know how, the fucking thing manages to pick itself up so it's edge on, and commences rolling on down the hill with gathering speed. Even a large tree that's fallen (or was cut to fall) across the hill doesn't slow it down. The blue-clad kettle-drummers below smile and point. "Piece of crap," Margie mutters, which is not something you normally hear people say about a Swiss product. Victor slips and falls, breaking the top off his rack, but at least his cheese is still in place. Michael does a little unplanned stunt, slipping and falling on his ass. Amazingly, his rack remains intact. Victor decides to abandon his broken rack and one of his cheese wheels, carrying the other down in his arms. Luke, meanwhile, is losing control of his descent. He tries to stay upright by running downhill, and maintains his balance for in impressively long time, but eventually the wet leaves and mud cause him to slip. When he goes down on his ass, his rack just shatters. I don't think there are two boards still attached to each other. And of course his cheese goes merrily on without him. So in a sense, he and Margie are in the lead. Or at least their cheese is. The kettle-drummers love it. Luke gets back up with two boards still strapped to him, and watches his cheese get stopped by a wire fence at the bottom of the hill. Barely.
Mike is carefully working his way down, while his dad Mel is MacGyvering along by sliding down the hill on his ass with the cheese in his lap. Mark manages to get up from a sitting position without breaking his rack, but a few steps later the entire thing spontaneously comes apart on him. I suppose it makes sense that a Swiss construction would have perfect timing. Tammy's down, struggling to get back up, but when she does, there goes her cheese. "Don't let a cheese hit me," Mel mutters to his cameraman, watching it roll past him. Seriously, can you imagine getting taken out by fifty pounds of cheese at high speed? That would be a fun story to tell people while they sign your cast. Victor assures Tammy that he's not upset with her. "Don't second-guess yourself," he says. Whatever that means, under the circumstances. It's not like she's going to congratulate herself for dropping her cheese. Which, I understand, is what the kids are calling it these days.
The Flight Attendants are still alone on their slow train to Interlaken, having searched the whole train and not found another team. They're bitter that Brad and Victoria lied to them. I suspect flight attendants have either gotten used to never being lied to in the past seven and a half years, or being lied to a lot more.
Back at the cheese hill, Luke and Margie have reached the bottom, but they still have to retrieve their runaway cheeses. Working together, they're the first to get one on the board. Mike struggles down the hill, out of breath but with his rack still in once piece. "I got your cheese," he pants. Mark has abandoned the ruins of his rack and is manhandling his cheese by hand. Margie and Luke get their second wheel into place, and are the first to head back up the hill. Mike delivers his first wheel, closely followed by the brothers. Victor tells his empty-handed sister that she'll need to carry one on their second trip down, "Even if you have to slide on your butt like he does." Yeah, she's aware, dude. Heading back up, Mike meets his dad coming down. "I'll never eat cheese again," Mel says. Indeed, if someone takes a group photo of the teams at the end of this leg, I would advise him to think twice before calling out a certain customary instruction when he snaps the picture. Tammy and Victor deliver their first load, and when she complains about being tired, he reminds her, "Think about the hour-and-a-half yoga classes you do." By the time Mike reaches the top of the hill again, Mel is still scootching down on his ass, telling himself, "Don't drop this cheese, don't drop this cheese." So it's not just the kids calling it that, apparently. Margie and Luke are taking their second load down the Mel way, and actually pass him at the bottom -- which means they're the first team to get the clue sending them to the Pit Stop. The drummers bang on their kettles in appreciation. The Racers must now take a taxi to the "last postal bus stop" in Schtechelberg. Once there, they need to "listen for a group of yodelers who will lead them to the Pit Stop." Which is hidden behind a building. And the last team to check in? Will be eliminated. Well, it is the first leg, so no point in being coy.
Mike is helping his dad back up the hill by the hand. Tammy and Victor finish up the task in second, closely followed by Mark and Michael in third. Mike and Mel are heading back down the hill when five more teams show up all at once: Kisha|Jen, Jaime|Cara, Brad|Victoria, Amanda|Kris, and Preston|Jennifer. As they start up with their racks, Mel warns them, "Don't drag those, they break." They also break if they fall, or if you try to put cheese on them, or look at them, or watch them on TV. I really hope they aren't literally antiques. Steve and Linda arrive in tenth place, just as Mel and Mike finish stacking their cheese and begin their cab ride, laughing exhaustedly. Back at the hill, everyone's struggling with the climb, but no one more so than Linda, as Steve carries both their racks ahead of her. She can't even seem to make it at a crawl. And she gets her second tension-filled act-out of the night. That's never a good sign.
At the top of the hill, an out-of-breath Jennifer gasps, "That was the most [pant pant] strenuous [pant pant pant] thatwasveryhard." Hee.
Christie and Jodi are still on the train, saying, "We only have to be faster than one other person." Give or take.
One of the guides at the aging-shed, who have been pretty unobtrusive, tries to put a second wheel of cheese on Amanda's rack, presumably at the team's request. "This is my body weight, Kris!" she protests, but her cheese rack buckles under the weight even before she does. Other teams start down as Steve starts physically pushing Linda up the hill from behind. Finally the Flight Attendants arrive at the Interlaken train station, firmly in last place. Preston bitches at Jennifer because he's already started down the hill with his two-wheel rack and she's still waiting to be strapped to her one. Finally Christie and Jodi arrive and take in the situation, heartened by the fact that a lot of teams are still there. Steve and Linda have finally reached the top of the hill, and Linda wants them to try carrying all 200 pounds on one rack. Steve doesn't think that's smart. "We gotta think, that's the only way we're gonna beat them. We didn't get here by being idiots."
Yodelers! There are three of them to the mat, and they've got an accordion. Oh, poor Phil. Margie and Luke arrive at Schtechelburg's dismal parking lot, and obviously it's going to be down to Margie to find the yodelers. She can hear them, all right, but the echoes from the surrounding mountains are making them hard to zero in on. And Victor and Tammy are not far behind. Still, when the first team runs up to the mat -- just as the yodelers reach a perfectly-timed end to their...piece, or whatever you call that sonic travesty -- it's Margie and Luke. Wearing one hell of a cable-knit turtleneck under a sheepskin jacket, Phil says, "Margie and Luke?" And then he carefully signs, "You are team number one." Aw. Phil invites Victor and Tammy up onto the mat just as they arrive, and informs Margie and Luke that they've won a trip to Puerto Vallarta. Luke is in tears, he's so happy. And he's not even going to have to listen to the beach vendors. Phil takes a moment to check Luke and Tammy in second, then Mark and Michael third, right behind them. With all three teams standing happily on the mat, Phil returns his attention to Luke and asks why it was so important for him to be on the Race. Margie translates for him, "A lot of people think deaf people can't do things. But [they] can do exactly what hearing people can do but not talk. So I just want to show that deaf people can do it." In fact, as we now see, deaf people can talk even better than hearing people can, when they're sobbing uncontrollably.
Back at the hill, Jennifer's contribution to the task is helping to steady Preston with his two-wheeled rack, and dragging her own empty rack back down. Outstanding strategy. I fully support anything they do that's likely to get them eliminated. She tells him how awesome he is for doing this, and how sorry she is for not being able to, and he tells her, "Just be quiet right now." Moments later, he goes down on his ass, and gets bleep/blurred as his rack turns into kindling. Thank you, karma. Jen's rack gives out on her as she tries to use it as a travois, and down goes one of the cheerleaders, although her rack mostly holds together. Because what would a cheerleader be without her rack? Oh, come on, I think I held out pretty long without making that joke. At the top of the hill, Steve announces his strategy: "Linda's gonna take one, I'm gonna take three." What was that he said about not being idiots? But when we see how it works, it makes sense; he's sliding three wheels down on the flat part of his already-broken rack, while Linda does the same ahead of him with one. And I think we've already established that there's no penalty for not keeping your rack together. Jen and Preston have reached that fallen tree, and as they belatedly realize they can't go through it like a breakneck wheel of cheese, they collapse again. Disdaining the racks entirely, Kris starts down with a wheel on each shoulder, and finally everything rack-wise that Preston and Jennifer still owns goes to pieces. "You can't get angry, honey," Jennifer says as they struggle with the wreckage. I think she underestimates him. The other teams continue on, but it's Amanda and Kris who finish fifth. They're off to the Pit Stop, with her saying, "That is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life." Preston and Jennifer are headed back up the hill to get more cheese. Steve and Linda reach the bottom, having finished in one trip. They congratulate each other on outsmarting the other teams, and off they go in sixth. Steve's right about one thing: if they're going to win, it's not going to be with their feet.
Mel and Mike are team number four, and happy to be so.
Preston's wheel gets away from him, and it goes all the way to the far edge of the hill. As he begins the long walk to fetch it back, he says, "I don't like cheese at all. In fact, I may not eat cheese ever again." Brad and Victoria finish in seventh, apparently without incident. You can tell because we haven't seen much of them since they arrived, and they're heading to the Pit Stop with remarkably clean trousers. The last few teams continue on, and the Flight Attendants realize that one of them has lost a wheel somewhere up the hill. How hard is it to lose track of a giant, fifty-pound, bright-yellow disk? Team Go Team finishes eighth, with Kisha and Jen close behind.
Amanda and Kris jog onto the mat in fifth. We have learned nothing new about them, other than Amanda weighs a hundred pounds.
"There's your cheese," one of the Flight Attendants tells the other. As Preston stacks his and Jennifer's third wheel, she whines her way along with the fourth one, saying, "You are so strong and so good for me." Oh, yuck. Stockholm is a thousand miles thataway, sweetheart, if you'd like to have someone look into your syndrome. Jodi and Christie are reduced to using their asses and half of one rack, as Jennifer and Preston head out in tenth. The Flight Attendants leave in last place. After having been in first place earlier in the leg. Looks like they might turn out to be the Blondes Mark 14 after all.
At the Pit Stop parking lot, Linda notices all the footprints, and suggests a shortcut through what Steve reasonably points out is a river. Thus commences a protracted debate about which way they should go, as Steve slips in the snow and falls onto his backpack. Oh, I fear they have peaked.
Brad and Victoria arrive at the mat in sixth, ,and Phil asks how the cheese went. They think they were the only ones who stayed upright. Phil tells them to show him, and they obligingly turn around and bend over. Because when Phil Keoghan wants to see your pristine, khaki-clad ass, by God you show it to him. When Jaime and Cara arrive in seventh place, Steve and Linda are still wandering around. "That's a dead end, Linda," Steve reports. "God, we're such dumb-asses!" Linda replies, with feeling. Meanwhile, Kisha and Jen have arrived in eighth place. And finally Steve and Linda find the mat, Phil favors them with a grin and one hell of an eyebrow-pop, which cracks them both up. They're happy to be team number nine. Hang in there, you two.
Preston and Jennifer arrive at the parking lot and de-cab, as he says, "We can still beat the blondes." We'll see. The teams spot each other, and running ensues. Preston|Jennifer are still in the lead, but Jennifer is flagging, and Jodi and Christie both pass her. By the time they're in view of the mat, the Flight Attendants are in the lead, and Preston is carrying Jennifer on his back as he runs. Does that ever work? Not in this case, because the Flight Attendants land on the mat first. For some reason, Jodi acts all worried as Phil takes his time telling them they're team number ten, whereupon they act all surprised and relieved. Which I don't get, because with at least one team still behind them, tenth place was the worst they could do, barring any penalties they didn't know about.
And speaking of that team that was behind them, Preston and Jennifer are Philiminated. With the Flight Attendants still standing on the mat to them, Phil asks Preston if he's competitive. Preston cops to it, and Jennifer weepily says she feels like she let him down. "Nah, she didn't let me down," Preston says magnanimously. "I know she did as much as she could." Translation: it's not her fault she sucks so much. In their post-Philimination interview, he says, "It was frustrating at times, I hated her at times." Aw, I'm getting verklempt. Jennifer assures us that they do love each other, and says that they were one of those tiresome couples who go on the race to "make or break" their relationship. Although she leaves out the "tiresome couples" part. And as they walk away from the mat arm-in-arm, she says, "I do want to spend the rest of my life with Preston." Which is the saddest ending for these two that I could possibly imagine.
Hey, check out the new spinning-earth-with-lines-around-it graphic under the producers' credits now! The shiny new features just keep coming. That, plus the fact that my least favorite team got eliminated first for once, tells me that this is going to be a good season.
Who is the odds on favorite to win this season? See our predictions.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com