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As usual, Phil wastes little time introducing us to the racers: Tony and Dallas, single mother and son from Northern California; Nick and Starr, siblings from New York and Texas; Ken and Tina, a nearly-divorced couple from Tampa, Aja and Ty, a long-distance dating couple (and it must be very long distance indeed, since apparently neither of them has a city of origin); Melissa and Brooke, "southern belles" (they actually make Phil say this) from South Carolina," Frat boys Andrew and Dan from Phoenix; Anthony and Stephanie, a four-year couple from L.A.;Anita and Arthur, married beekeepers (and hippies) from Oregon; Kelly and Christie, recent divorcees from Texas (you can divorce Texas?); Terence and Sarah, a new couple from NYC; and Mark and Bill, geeks/best friends from San Diego. Go!
The race starts at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, and have to choose from one of two flights to get to Salvador, Brazil. The obligatory LAX scramble follows. Once the teams get to Salvador, they have to wheel an awkward, narrow snack cart over busy, bumpy sidewalks, and then spend the night at an army camp, where Terence and Sarah arrive first. The morning, everyone leaves in one of three groups, each at a different time, then go to Pelourinho, where they have to choose between climbing church steps on their hands and knees, and descending a 200-plus-foot cargo net. Then it's off to the first pit stop, an old island fort. Team Spartans is the first to arrive, winning a trip to Belize. They're followed by Ken and Tina, Terence and Sarah, Team Geek, and Toni and Dallas. Only the frat boys attempt the stairs, and have to try again when they biff the question at the top. Still, they come in seventh, followed by Aja and Ty, and it's a race for last place . Ultimately, Anita and Arthur will be going back to their bees.
So that's your basic outline, because there's too much going on with some of these couples to mention before the full recap. But worry not, there'll be plenty of time to get into the eagerness of the geeks, frat boys, and southern belles to fulfill their stereotypes; Terence's insecure beta-male issues; the failure of Tina's myriad cosmetic procedures to hide her pain that her ex-footballer husband cheated on her; Stephanie's tick-tock desperation to marry her Luke from Gilmore Girls boyfriend; and whatever vibe I may or may not be picking up from Nick and Starr. See you then!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!I don't claim to have watched every episode or even every season of this show, but during the vast majority of the episodes I did see, Miss Alli was on the couch to mine. Little did I know, when she used to come over every week and kick off her shoes at our front door, that I would someday be attempting to fill them. I guess my point is that as much as you're feeling her absence right now, I might just be feeling it more.
From the top of a skyscraper, a leaner-than-ever Phil welcomes us to this season's host city for the starting line, Los Angeles, California, calling it a "global entertainment capital." I think it was that even before Phil and the racers showed up there. "Eleven teams will embark on a race around the world for one million dollars," he says. I can't think of a more succinct way to put it. The racers are riding in "classic cars" (as in a whole fleet of shiny, classy 1930s models, as opposed to the waxed-up doorstop Memphis won on Big Brother this summer) to the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, which Phil calls "the only stadium on Earth to host the Olympic Games twice." Already, we're learning more about the world!
So let's meet the racers, shall we? I'd like to tell you that I've researched them all in advance, or that I deliberately refrained from same as a way to preserve the purity of my viewing experience, but it's a little early to be turning my new digs here into a house of lies. I just never got around to it, is all. So now, let's enjoy my unspoiled experience as we meet the racers, jogging through the coliseum's tunnel and out onto the field two by two:
Toni and Dallas have apparently chosen red for their team color. They're a mother and a son from Northern California. He's quite large and beefy and gelled, and it's kind of a challenge to imagine him ever having come out of this tiny little woman. In their as always completely-unstaged-and-totally-spontaneous glimpse into the racers' daily lives, we see them playing one-on-one basketball, making PB&J sandwiches, and hiking through the countryside. Toni says she's been a single mom for Dallas's whole life, and is proud of how he turned out. He vindicates her remark by saying that in return for all of the sacrifices his mom has made for him, he's going to go all out on the race. We'll take him at his word for now, at least until he drops into a desultory jog for a train as retribution for an R-rated movie he wasn't allowed to see when he was 15.
The camouflage team (and the camouflage applies only to their clothing, I assure you) is Nick and Starr, who are brother and sister (respectively) from New York and Texas (also respectively, presumably). They talk about their "close personal bond" as we see them doing a little dance routine in the park together, just like I always do with my sisters. They're both very young -- in their early twenties -- and if they're not twins they're very close. She's cute and bubbly, and he's like a cute and bubbly version of Felix Gaeta on Battlestar Galactica. If you have trouble imagining such a thing, just amp up the gay vibe. They're a bit like the Spartan cheerleaders on SNL impersonating Angelina Jolie and her brother at the 2000 Oscars.
Ken and Tina , in green, are a middle-aged couple from Tampa. They're married but separated. Here's what you need to know about Ken, in his own words: "I played seven years in the NFL...I cheated on Tina." We see them "enjoying" a day at the beach as Tina says they'll know at the end of the race whether to go on with their marriage or not. I don't know whether winning or losing would be better for their marriage. On the one hand, the stress of defeat could end them completely, but on the other, a half-million dollars worth of additional cosmetic procedures might just give Tina the confidence to put herself out on the market.
Aja and Ty are a very attractive young African-American couple who are apparently dating long-distance. I am therefore confused by their matching sky-blue Michigan sweatshirts. It's not that big a state. Their "meet-the-team" footage features them on the phone with each other and having dinner together, as they talk about how the distance makes them stronger, and how confident they are in their relationship. It just gives them more appreciation for the time they do have together. Well, the race should fix that good.
Marisa and Brooke jog onto the stadium field in matching hot-pink sweat suits. Seriously, girls? Seriously? You couldn't at least shake it up with some teal or something? Phil archly introduces them as "Southern belles from South Carolina." Feminism gets rolled back fifteen years as we see them (and hear them talking about) shopping, baking cupcakes, and being overdressed at all times. It's 'cause they're classy.
Andrew and Dan have decided to go with the sartorial theme of "novelty T-shirts and cargo shorts," which is not surprising given they are fraternity brothers from Phoenix. Now, if you think of "frat boys," you might imagine a couple of guys who are good-looking but fairly toolish. In this case, you'd be half right. Andrew looks like a poor man's Seth Rogen, whereas Dan is the type of nerd who is so accustomed to being interrupted or ignored that he always speaks quickly and loudly so as to get his thoughts across before getting tuned out. They ogle bikini chicks at a pool and push each other into the water, just to show us how fun-loving and wacky they are. In this they succeed, but not in the way they think. I'm not the biggest fan of frat boys on the whole, but these two are seriously diluting the brand.
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Also eschewing the color-coded look are Anthony and Stephanie, because Anthony might have some commitment issues. And who can blame him, because no sooner has Phil introduced them as having dated for four years than we hear Stephanie's first words: "I want to get married soon! If it doesn't happen soon we'll have to go our separate ways." As we see them frolicking on a beach, Anthony adds that Stephanie is a bit of a control freak. We got that, thanks.
With their matching clouds of gray hair streaming behind them, Anita and Arthur would be recognizable as a team even without the tie-dye they're both wearing. They're married beekeepers from Oregon, and Anita claims that there's more to them than their aging-hippie looks. We see them harvesting honey and basically being gentle and soft-spoken, qualities that always work out well in this race. They do claim that all the stuff they do on the farm has given them the strength they'll need. But they'll also need speed, which they probably could have cultivated by working the hives without their bonnets on.
Kelly and Christy are in royal blue, and Phil says they are "friends -- both recently divorced -- from Texas." I don't know yet which is which; there's a brunette one and a redhead, so at least they're less interchangeable than Marisa and Brooke are. We see them power-walking in their power suits, and jogging through the park, as they say that getting through their awful marriages gave them skills that will transfer to getting them through the race. Yes, because when things go wrong and they have to start sniping at each other, they will be able to get those gloves off so fast.
And there's Terence and Sarah, "newly dating," from New York City. Sarah looks like she was sent over from central casting to play the nice, bespectacled Jewish girl who becomes smitten with the hunky, sandy-haired athlete. Except central casting only did half its job, because Terence insists on wearing his sandy hair in a pair of dorsal sausage curls. He looks like a rooster who has begun to fray on top. As for his athleticism, well, more on that later. She calls him "the most quintessential free spirit I have ever met in my life." Oh, that's always a good sign. We see him doing things like indoor rock-climbing and cooking while Sarah types on her laptop at the kitchen table. In other words, she has a job. Terence interviews, apparently in answer to the question, "So what do you do then?" that he only does things that make him happy, but earns money by coaching runners. As we see Terence walking Sarah to the door of her office building and handing her a sack lunch (a beta-male signifier if there ever was one, and I can't believe Terence agreed to participate in its staging), Sarah talks about the differences between them, which "could either be the best thing going for us on the race, or be the thing that kills us." From what we see later, Sarah should appreciate all the ways she's different from Terence. In fact, we should all appreciate the ways we're different from Terence.
Finally, Mark and Bill enter wearing mismatched fedoras and orange shirts, described as "best friends from San Diego. "We're the comic-book geeks," the bald one says. I'm pretty sure that's Mark. Now, I did have some awareness of the teams, mainly from zapping TAR promos during Big Brother, and somehow I kind of had the Frat Boys, Dan and Andrew, mixed up with the Geeks. Not sure how that could have happened. We see Mark and Bill hanging out in a Michael Scott condo reading graphic novels on the couch (trade paperback collections instead of single issues, which calls their comic-book-geek credibility into some question, if you ask me) and playing guitar-based videogames and chess. By the way, a glimpse at the chessboard clearly indicates that one of them is using the Corbomite maneuver. Bill says, "The Amazing Race is the ultimate game, on the biggest game board you can imagine." And that's why they got to go last.
As the 22 racers march in double-file to the starting line, Phil grills us, "Can these teams stand up to the stress of traveling together across more than 33,000 miles? And who will come up with the right strategy -- the right combination of brains, brawn, and teamwork -- to win the one million dollars? These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin...The Amazing Race." Oh, good, because I didn't know there was going to be a quiz.
From the top of that skyscraper, Phil teleports down to the starting mat at the coliseum to address the racers. He tells them what they (and probably you) already know: there are eleven legs of the race, each with a pit stop at the end. Eight of the pit stops will be elimination points where the last to arrive will be eliminated. Their first clues are waiting on top of their luggage, which is at the top of the bleacher stairs stretching up behind Phil. They'll run up to their bags, read the clue, and drive off on in one of the fleet of Mercedeseses waiting outside. Oh, and the first team to cross the finish line will win a million dollars. Man, isn't it time to adjust that for inflation? Especially now. Time for Phil's big moment, as the runners drop into a starting crouch and Toni kisses Dallas's cheek: "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe." And now it's time for Phil's eyebrow's big moment: "Go!" Gives me chills, every time.
The stairs scatter the teams pretty effectively, and Nick and Starr are the first -- barely -- to open the first clue, sending them to a Del Taco on Santa Monica Boulevard. No, not really; they're going to Salvador, Brazil. The rest of the teams read the clue in tandem, learning that they have a choice between two flights: American 252 or United 8043, both of which are leaving Logan Airport in FIVE MINUTES! Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop now. The first teams are already on their way to the parking lot as the hippies reach their luggage. Nick & Starr get the first "first" ranking of the season on the screen as she gets behind the wheel and he jumps in back. Get used to them being in the lead. Terence and Sarah are in second. "Ooh, so real right now!" he crows from the driver's seat. The upsetting thing is that that was just about the least obnoxious thing we'll hear him say tonight. The Frat Boys, Andrew and Dan, pull out third, with Dallas chauffeuring his mom Toni . They're in fourth place and in a very excited mood.
As the teams close in on LAX, there's some jockeying for position on the freeway. Tina tersely coaches Ken, who I'm sure is not allowed to argue with her ever, about anything, so it's good that he isn't. Aja coaches Ty to take the carpool lane. Nick and Starr pull up to Ken and Tina, who they refer to as "Mom and Dad." Well, that's a little presumptuous. Don't believe me? They interview that they've decided to "be adopted by Mom and Dad" to make up for their lack of travel experience. Kids, even discounting the fact that "Mom and Dad" are about to become a Tammy Wynette song, you're a bit late for the Family Edition. They end up right behind Ken and Tina on the freeway. But Aja and Ty pass Ken and Tina in the carpool lane, stealing the lead. "That won't happen again," Ken promises Tina, as if there was anything he could have done to block Team Long-Distance when separated from them by a concrete barrier. "I've heard that before," her expression says. Her face is rather more eloquent than I would have initially given it credit for being.
The riot of lanes and ramps and signs entering LAX is cause for some confusion. The Frat Boys resolve this by just following Nick and Starr and hoping for the best. "We're following the cute chick and the...guy," Dan explains from the back seat. Wonder what the first draft of that remark was. Aja and Ty find a parking spot and dash for the shuttle taking them to the terminal, still in the lead. The shuttle picks up Ken/Tina, Kelly/Christy, and Mark/Bill, but when Toni and Dallas arrive, there's no shuttle to be seen. They'll have to wait for the one.
Aja and Ty arrive at the American ticket counter first. Ty's confident they've found the right place, but Aja is doubtful, as she doesn't see a red-and-yellow Amazing Flag anywhere. Still, they're staying put. Out on the service roads, the Frat Boys realize they're following Nick and Starr in circles. Team Divorced (Kelly and Christy) and Team Not-Divorced-Yet (Ken and Tina) hit the terminal, scrambling around. Also inside the terminal, Bill calls to fellow Geek Mark, "I think it's gotta be in the other area." And so the Geeks lead a dash through the building, closely dogged by Tina and Ken. "Gotta stay with me, babe," she scolds Ken as he arrives, having carried all their luggage. Not everyone on the internet seems to agree with what she just said in a larger sense, by the way. Bill and Mark are glad to hear they're the first to arrive at the right counter, and Tina is even more so. Ah, my favorite species of racer: the kind who is always happy and excited, as long as nothing is going wrong.
Meanwhile, Toni/Dallas and Anthony/Stephanie are just disembarking from another shuttle. They spot Aja and Ty near the head of the line, and fall in far behind. Andrew/Dan and Marisa/Brooke (even their damn captions call them "Southern Belles," although I'm going to resist it as long as I can) arrive at the terminal as well. "There's no flags here," Dan complains, just as Mark and Bill receive their tickets far away. And Terence and Sarah run off the airport shuttle. Good call avoiding the freeway there, champs. You beat the traffic and two other teams. But at least they go straight to the right line, which effectively puts them back in third. There they introduce themselves to Mark/Bill and Tina/Ken, then wonder where everyone else is.
Meanwhile, Nick and Starr finally get off the shuttle, Nick quoting the clue aloud: "The marked counter." They spot the teams waiting at the wrong counter, just as Ty finds out from a ticket agent that he and Aja are at the wrong place. He takes off running, and it's a confusing dash as everyone follows. Nick and Starr end up fourth in line behind Terence and Sarah, effectively erasing their fumbling on the roads outside. The Frat Boys berate themselves for following like idiots. Uh, which time, dudes? You've had two chances to follow people and you took both of them. Finally the Hippies arrive, dead last, and the introductions continue as Tina waits for her and Ken's tickets. Far back in the line, Dan tries to look on the bright side, saying the flight they're not going to get on might be delayed in Florida. He generally acts like a big spazz, jabbering on about the reality of the airline industry. "I've worked in it," he says. "He hasn't worked in customer relations," Nick mutters to Starr. Hee! Right then is when I start kind of liking Nick and Starr.
Terence and Sarah end up on the first flight, as do Nick/Starr, Aja/Ty, and Kelly/Christy. Meanwhile, the laggers at the back of the line are already looking into the United flight, having learned that it's scheduled to arrive in Salvador three hours later. The Frat Boys hold out hope that they can still get on the American flight, and only Toni and Dallas are still waiting behind them. When the flight turns up full, Dan reacts like he's already been eliminated. It's going to be a long race for that kid, I can tell. And for me, as long as he's in it.
While waiting for their flight, Nick and Starr are already making their overtures to Ken and Tina to suggest a two-leg alliance. Ken tells the interview camera that an alliance with them is probably advantageous, while Tina glares over at him like, "I just bet you'd love an alliance with that little chickie, wouldn't you?" Ken needs to remember that "alliance" is not spelled with a "d" at the beginning.
In case you missed it, Phil tells us who's on each flight: The American flight, which arrives first, has Mark/Bill, Ken/Tina, Nick/Starr, Terence/Sarah, Aja/Ty, and Kelly/Christy. On the loser flight are Toni/Dallas, Andrew/Dan, Anita/Arthur, Marisa/Brooke, and Anthony/Stephanie. The Amazing Yellow Line simulates direct flights to Rio di Janeiro and São Paolo respectively, but the editors cut away before it can proceed thence to Salvador, which is up the coast some distance below South America's easternmost point. Phil tells us what they need to do when they land, which is to take a taxi to O Rei Do Pernil, a corner sandwich shop in the busy, narrow streets, and find their clue. Well, it may not be a Del Taco on Santa Monica Boulevard to us, but to someone it is.
While changing planes in Rio, the lead teams learn that their connecting flight to Salvador is delayed. "Good for the United flight, they're back in the hunt," Ken says, as though angling for an NFL announcing gig once he gets back to Tampa. But the American flight lands in Salvador before we even check in with that other flight, so it couldn't make that much difference. There's a rush to taxis. "This is a perfect pace, I like this pace right now," Terence says to Sarah as they walk/run down the concourse. They hit the taxis in the following order: Mark and Bill (who comment that they've lost ninety minutes), Kelly and Christy (dressed for the gym in matching tank tops and spandex shorts), Terence and Sarah (the latter of whom appears to be fairly fluent in Portuguese), and Ken and Tina, the latter of whom is berating her husband, "You're supposed to know how to do Spanish." He doesn't point out that they speak Portuguese in Brazil, probably because he's not allowed to. Nick and Starr are in fifth, with Ty and Aja close behind.
"Obrigado," says one of the Geeks to their driver as they get out near the sandwich shop. What, are you telling me there are two Portuguese speakers in this crowd? What are the chances? That's like finding two people in one Survivor cast who know how to build a fire. Mark and Bill soon find where they're supposed to be and collect their clue. "Become a barista, old-school style," it reads. What that means is that teams have to choose one of the vending carts standing there, stacked to capacity with snacks, and then wheel it to Praca da Se, a nearby plaza. There, they'll give their cart to a guy named Indio, who will hand over their clue. I'm really trying not to transcribe Phil's exact words here, but even when I don't it sounds like I am. Part of the magic of Phil, I guess.
The Geeks quickly discover the nature of the challenge facing them. These carts are narrow, all but unsteerable, and completely without any kind of railing to contain their high, precariously balanced stacks of wares. And these tiled streets, while lovely, aren't exactly dance-floor smooth, either. When they try to get going, almost everything falls off. Mark mostly solves the problem by draping his jacket over the goods as a makeshift cargo cover, and then he says in an interview, "We have a very, very good set of intuitive skills that we can look at a situation, make a plan, and act on it, all in a split second." I don't know why they cut off the beginning of that statement, which no doubt began with something like "From years of experience with computer and role-playing games..."
Kelly and Christy, meanwhile, talk about what strong women they are, having dealt with bad situations before. I must say, the rate of failed marriages in this country can't be as bad as I've been led to believe, given the fact that these two are acting like the only people who have ever been divorced. Unfortunately, their unique experience doesn't seem to be helping with the fact that their cabdriver doesn't know where he's going.
Thus Terence and Sarah arrive at the marketplace, and as he's struggling to get underway with the cart, he says, "Babe, I love you, but if you don't help me..." Unfortunately, she falls in line before he can finish the thought and I can settle on hating him. Not to worry, plenty of time.
Ken and Tina are still impatiently waiting for their luggage or something by their cab as Nick and Starr cut past them, so that puts them in fourth place. And as Team Geek crosses the street, Mark observes, "This is like driving the worst shopping cart in the entire world." Terence and Sarah have had a stroke of good luck in the form of meeting someone who not only knows how to steer the cart (the little truck cab goes in front of the cart, apparently) but is willing to help them schlep it to the plaza. But instead of appreciating any of this, or the fact that his teammate brings with her the fabulously useful skill of being able to speak Portuguese in Brazil, he bitches at her for not speaking English. "I love you dearly but you keep saying things that I don't know!" What's Portuguese for "Shut your goddamn yell-hole, Dagwood"? Nick/Starr and Ken/Tina are having trouble with all their crap. "Yikey-shnikeys," Tina says as she reloads their cart for the umpteenth time.
Funicular! I love funicular! It's like a particular kind of fun. Or, in case you've never seen other Amazing Race episodes which feature a funicular, it's more or less a tram that goes uphill on a steep track or chain instead of an overhead cable. It's funicular! Bill and Mark reach the station first, but end up sharing their funicular ride with Terence and Sarah. Which makes it just an ickular.
Meanwhile, Ken and Tina seem to have found a groove, and are making progress without having to stop all the time. "You're not moving very fast," she comments. Instead of arguing, Ken cuts to an interview in which he says, "I cheated on Tina. I've got to prove to her on a daily basis that I'm worthy of her love." Read: he left his balls at home in Tampa, in the safety deposit box where Tina put them the day she found out.
Aja and Ty get going with their cart as Terence/Sarah and Mark/Bill offload theirs from the funicular. The former team has stolen the lead, and is the first to locate Indio. After doing a quick inventory of their cart to make sure they delivered everything, Indio reaches into a cunning little compartment in his own cart for a clue to hand over to Terence and Sarah, currently in first place. The clue sends them to the world-famous Salvador landmark known as "Military Base," which they will travel to by taxi. Phil elaborates, "They'll spend the night outdoors, under mosquito nets." But first, they'll sign in to get a departure time for the following morning: 9:00, 9:30, and 9:45. And they're off, as Terence shows that he can make even a fist bump more annoying than it has to be.
Back to the task: Ken and Tina are still dropping crap as Starr and Nick get on the funicular without them. They find Indio, and their clue, and their cab. "I hate to say it, but at least we're in front of Kenny and Tina," Nick says, not hating to say it very much at all.
Terence and Sarah arrive at Military Base, and rejoice to see the blank sign-up sheet telling them they're in first place, meaning they get to leave at 9:00 the morning. Tina and Ken get their clue, as Team Geek's taxi hits traffic. Thus Nick and Starr end up arriving second. Team Geek gets there third, but at least they still get to leave at 9:00 the morning with the actual leaders.
Kelly and Christy have apparently given up on their cabdriver and have decided to try and find the damn place themselves, to the point where the sight of the word "Sanduiche" on a sign is enough to get them to stop. Of course the proprietor of the 7-11-like place they're at has no idea what they're talking about. Or why they're hardly wearing any clothes.
And with that, the second flight arrives at the Salvador airport, right on time. Toni and Dallas get the first cab and thus seventh place, with the Frat Boys so close behind that they're able to quickly pass them on the road. And in the ninth-place cab, Anita remarks as she rummages through their Amazing Purse, "Bees are much calmer than all this." Marisa and Brooke complain about being in an unfamiliar airport. Don't worry, ladies, I'm sure that's all behind you now. And bringing up the rear, Stephanie is stressing out while a relaxed Anthony grins to her. Sitting there with his stubble and backwards baseball cap, he looks startlingly like Luke from Gilmore Girls. Aside from the grinning, that is. Stephanie interviews that they need to win the race so they can win the money. "To make the decision to get married and have children, it would be a fabulous start for us." No wonder Anthony looks so happy about being in last place; if they win, she's going to expect him to marry her. So that's a total of six teams who are still in cabs -- five from the second flight, and Christy and Kelly. Sucks to be Christy and Kelly. You know, again.
Fortunately, they find the right place . Would have been embarrassing for them otherwise. The Frat Boys arrive soon after and struggle with their cart, until someone helps them and Dan thanks them with a heartfelt, "Muy bien."
Ken and Tina arrive at the base, securing the last slot to leave at 9:00 a.m. the morning. Even if they'd done better, they couldn't have done better, if you know what I mean. It's good for a high five, at least. Anita and Arthur somehow get their clue in eighth place, and Aja and Ty arrive at the base to find out that they're the first ones who get to leave at 9:30 the morning.
The Frat Boys nearly catch up to Kelly and Christy, at least according to the editing. Speaking of which, I'm just going to say right now that in most cases, I'm going to take the editing at its word in these recaps. I'm sure that there are times when the editors play fast and loose with the timelines, especially with this many teams in play, but I can only tell you the story the way it's being told to me. Besides, I'm uniquely qualified to deal with temporal anomalies as a longtime recapper of 24.
Toni and Dallas get their clue in ninth, followed by Marisa/Brooke and Anthony/Stephanie. They all have the predictable problems with their carts, and Dallas lectures his mom a bit when she bumps stuff off the cart trying to give him her backpack. Team Divorced finds Indio and gets their clue and their cab, followed by the Frat Boys, whom Indio clearly hates on sight. The Hippies and Toni/Dallas are , and Anthony/Stephanie somehow passed Marisa/Brooke somewhere along the way. More creative editing implies a close race between the Frat Boys and Team Divorced, as though it matters beyond the amusing possibility that someone on the second flight might beat someone on the first, but the latter maintains its lead and arrives to secure the second 9:30 departure slot. "How many frickin' teams are ahead of us?" one of them asks, as though they're not all clearly listed above them. Maybe their husbands got the counting ability in the settlement. "We're actually number six, and we're pretty hacked off about it," says the red-haired one. The Frat Boys get the last 9:30 slot, which pleases them, as does this realization from Dan: "It was a race between the first half and the second half, and we won the race for the second half." Well, The Amazing Race is full of little victories, and one must take them when they come. Especially when one is Dan.
As the sun sets on the racers' little campsite, we get to see the first of the eat-sleep-mingles, even though this isn't an official one. Starr flirts with Dallas, who's doing everyone a favor by standing around in a bug-infested wooded area with no shirt on. She interviews about how attractive Dallas is, and I'm kind of hoping for a love triangle in which her brother develops a crush on Dallas as well. Sarah is talking to the Hippies, which pisses Terence off. "As soon as we got here, Sarah was talking to the other teams," he kvetches to an interview camera with her sitting right there. "And here I am, I want you to hold m-- I want you to connect with ME. But yet, she's engaged with them. And that was very frustrating for me." Oh, wow. This guy has issues. Sarah just looks at him, kind of guilty and embarrassed, but I'm afraid for the wrong reasons.
The morning, Phil reminds us who's leaving in which group (you can just page back for that). During brief shots of all the teams, Anthony is amused at having to hold Stephanie's mirror for her while she puts on makeup. He seriously thinks he is on the best last date ever.
The lead four teams rip into their clue and learn that they have to take a taxi to an area called Pelourinho, which Phil calls "the historic center of Salvador." their clue is waiting for them at a certain church. They all rush out to the street and start looking for taxis. Sarah spots the other teams arriving at the same corner, makes an observation to Terence, and then in the same tone of voice, but looking at Starr and Nick, remarks, "Not so easy to find a taxi." Now, they're not looking back at her, and thus probably didn't even realize that she was addressing them. Even I'm not sure at first, until Terence tells Sarah, "I don't think they're listening to you." See, a normal person wouldn't make a thing of this, or might even tell Sarah the he doesn't think they heard her, but Terence has seen a chance to isolate his social girlfriend from another team, and jumped on it. Which is just...and I hate to bring out the big guns this early on...Spencerian. Both teams spot taxis and run for them, with Terence and Sarah getting in their cab first but still bickering about luggage/trunk strategy. Whereas Nick and Starr are trying to communicate with their cabdriver, who's just staring blankly into the camera. Out on the street, Tina tells Ken to use the whistle attached to his backpack strap, which he obediently does. Handy! Mark and Bill find their cab, and the Bill shows off a little more Portuguese to the driver. Starr is getting frustrated with their cabbie, and Nick both calms her down and instructs their driver to just follow the Geeks' cab. And Ken and Tina are underway.
Sarah, meanwhile, appears to be under ten, as she's complaining about how the siblings spurned her attempt to make conversation, which, again, I'm not convinced they heard. Of course, Terence is egging her on as she says she needs to learn not to be nice to people. "This is not a popularity game," he declares, which would explain why they've done pretty well overall. "Sarah wants people to like her, and to be friends with her. I could care less if nobody speaks to me. I don't need friends." Well, that should work out well, then. Sarah, by the way, is just beaming at him adoringly, while the driver is like, "I didn't understand a word of that, but what a fucknozzle."
At 9:30, Aja and Ty, Team Divorce, and the Frat Boys leave Military Base with their clues and jog up the street to where they can find a cab. At one point Aja drops a water bottle and runs back to retrieve it while Ty carries both of their backpacks ahead. I hope these two aren't so used to long-distance dating that they lose track of each other. Kelly and Christy get their cab first, securing fifth place for themselves. The Frat Boys find their cab , leaving Aja and Ty in seventh place to stress about how the final group is probably leaving Military Base now. Which, at 9:45, they are.
As Sarah and Terence zoom right past the clue box in the church yard, Terence bitches at her for outrunning him. The running coach. Yells at the businesswoman. For running too fast. She abjectly apologizes, damn her. For a while I was hoping that this was going to be one of those relationships that ends the moment they step off the Philimination mat, but I can't even root for her any more. Nick/Starr and the Geeks are right behind them as they hit a dead end inside the church, then turn and find the clue behind them across the yard. Sarah gets there first, which I'm sure gets her in trouble with Terence later.
Time for the first Detour. We see worshippers climbing up a high staircase in front of a church on their hands and knees, right past Phil, who's standing over them addressing the camera. Seems a little disrespectful of him. But this is important, because we need to know that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. The choice this time? "Hard Way Up" or "Soft Way Down." Glad to see they're still giving the tasks names that sound like they came out of the menu at the Bunny Ranch. But even with the shot of the giant cargo net dangling high over the city, I know which one I'd pick. "Hard Way Up" requires teams to find the base of that stone staircase Phil's talking from, Escadaria do Passo. In addition to the supplicants crawling up, there's a small samba drum corps at the top, waiting to ask a "mystery question" of any team who chooses to ascend on their hands and knees. And if they get the question wrong, they have to start over. "Soft Way Down" sends teams to a towering outdoor elevator, and then requires them to climb 240 feet down the giant blue cargo net hanging therefrom. Unfortunately, it's hung too steep to slide, unless you want to break an ankle. Or Terence's.
Terence and Sarah dash off to find the elevator, hoping Nick and Starr can't follow them because they hate them now. And one of the Geeks seems to be balking at the very sound of a 240-foot height. They're still deliberating when Ken and Tina arrive. At the elevator, Sarah and Terence are in the lead, but when Nick and Starr arrive after them and take the marked staircase -- as instructed in the clue -- rather than the elevator Sarah doubtfully joins Terence on, they get to the top first. Sarah and Terence scramble around at the top of the elevator as Ken and Tina arrive below. Nick and a nervous Starr, in their safety harnesses, begin their descent. Ken and Tina arrive , and as they begin their descent, he encourages her to try catching up to the kids. She snaps at him to shut up, because she's afraid of heights and he cheated on her. The Geeks arrive , and Bill interviews that "There's nowhere else but The Amazing Race you can find yourself climbing 240 feet down a cargo net." Would-be racers, take note: if you're looking to get on the show, an ability to seamlessly work plugs for it into your on-camera commentary can't hurt.
Back at ground level, Terence and Sarah finally find the staircase they're supposed to have taken, now that they've gone from first place to fourth. The siblings reach the bottom, with Ken and Tina not far above and the Geeks just starting down, high above them. "That leaves Terence and Sarah w-- God knows where," Nick says happily. Terence and Sarah are getting harnessed up at the top, trying to get less upset at themselves. On the bright side, at least they didn't go to the wrong building and swing themselves over the wrong high railing. So it could have been worse. Nick and Starr get their clue: Go to the Pit Stop!
They're off to Forte Sao Marcelo, a walled fortress that appears to be way out in the bay. "This floating battlement once defended the city from pirates," Phil educates. "It's now the Pit Stop for this leg of the race." So it's come up in the world. The last team to check in will be eliminated." Sometimes I wish the first three legs could be non-elimination, just to get them out of the way.Nick and Starr take off looking for a cab just as Ken and Tina alight, and the siblings end up getting passed in the taxi hunt. Which is not as bad for them as you might think, because Nick has decided to see if it's close enough to hoof it, and sure enough, they quickly find a guide who's willing to walk with them. And Ken and Tina's cabdriver is like, "You're here, get out." "Ay ay ay!" Tina cries, lamenting the minutes they've just wasted. Nick and Starr arrive at the jetty first, and are quickly pushed off in a ferry to the pit stop while Ken and Tina are still running to catch up. Catch you later, Mom and Dad.
The Geeks take a little break on the cargo net as Terence and Sarah catch up with them. As they pass, Sarah calls out, "Can you believe we're doing this?" Terence bellows at her, "You can't climb and talk! I can!" She mutters a complaint, and he says to the Geeks, "I'm gonna talk while she climbs. This is really amazing, guys! This is what she would say, she's really happy to be part of our team." And this is the moment where Terence and Sarah get promoted to third place, instead of the ropes giving way under Terence's feet. Although far be it from me to wish him a sticky end on the pavement below. I'd just be satisfied with a catastrophic tangling, resulting in a severe jaw injury that prevents him from talking for the rest of the race.
Nick and Starr arrive at the Pit Stop where Phil is waiting with a young boy who's juggling papayas or something. They, of course, are team number one, and Travelocity is sending them to Belize. He asks them what makes them a force to be reckoned with, and Nick says it's their relationship. Meanwhile, Terence and Sarah and the Geeks get their clues at the bottom of the net, and Ken and Tina arrive at the Pit Stop in second place. They're happy to be there. Although I'm sure they could have done better, if only Ken had been willing to cheat.
So let's catch up with the group from the second flight. The Frat Boys' cabbie is missing turns and coming around again, so Toni and Dallas are able to get to the clue box before them, closely followed by Aja/Ty, and Marisa/Brooke. The Frat Boys finally get out of their cab to jog the rest of the way the churchyard clue box, and, having seen the three teams leaving right ahead of them, quickly determine from reading the clue that "Only three teams may be on the cargo net at a time." So they figure they're stuck with Hard Way Up, whether they like it or not.
Kelly and Christy head down the cargo net in fifth place, as Terence and Sarah arrive at the mat in third. Stephanie/Anthony and Arthur/Anita arrive at the clue box last but separately, and both teams decide to go with the cargo net.
Kelly and Christy are about halfway down when Toni and Dallas start down the net. Toni interviews that he's always been an athlete, but this is her first chance to be on his team, so she's going to give it her all. These two are going to have to say something mean about each other some time soon or I'm done believing them.
Meanwhile, the Frat Boys have arrived at the staircase, and I'm glad that drum band up top isn't seeing their energetic performance go entirely to waste. Dan and Andrew begin to climb on their hands and knees. Which, of all the teams who are prepared to crawl up a flight of stairs, I think that they're probably the best suited.
Mark and Bill, the Geeks, arrive at the mat in fourth place and hug. Frat Boys? Still crawling. Toni and Dallas are still slowly progressing downward, while Team Divorce has nearly made it to the bottom before dubbing themselves spider women. I hope they were just waiting to earn it and not that it didn't occur to them until now. Up on the balcony, Aja looks a little nervous at the sheer drop below her. And one of the Southern Belles complains as she waits in her harness, "I can't even enjoy the view cause I'm about to pee my pants!" How very classy. Toni and Dallas arrive on the ground as the Frat Boys arrive at the top of their staircase, greeted by a final, mighty crash of the drums and a question from lead drummer: "How many steps have you climbed?" They have no idea, of course, but they still have to write a number down on a little slate tile with a bit of chalk. Dan counts as best he can from their vantage point at the top of the stairs and tells Andrew to write down 40. Which is wrong. They have to try again. And they don't even get to take the stairs back down.
Anthony/Stephanie and Arthur/Anita are wandering around looking for the elevator as the Frat Boys have to negotiate the back streets back to the base of the staircase, reminding each other to count the steps this time. Which is a good idea, but I can't help hoping that the question this time is something like "What type of meson is covalent to a strange gluon?" Kelly and Christy arrive at the mat in fifth place, and now Anthony and Stephanie are coming down the net, behind Aja/Ty and the Belles. The Hippies arrive at top, and are quietly overwhelmed by the height. I'm sure they'd be louder about it, but their voices don't appear to go above three decibels under any circumstances. Maybe that's why they aren't doing better: their frustrated sound guy keeps sabotaging them.
Toni and Dallas are team number six.
Aja and Ty get their Pit Stop directions, as the Frat Boys continue to climb and the Hippies go over the railing, exchanging "I love you"s. The Southern Belles, Marisa and Brooke, are already down, as Anthony notices the hippies above him and Stephanie. "All we need to do is kick butt," Arthur tells Anita, as if this would be any easier for them than simply detaching from the net and flying directly to the Pit Stop using their harness ropes as Bat-cables. Anthony and Stephanie finish their descent, get their clue, and join up with the Belles, who have just gotten directions to the Pit Stop. Arthur and Anita are kissing on the net. Either it's either very sweet, or despite their laid-back attitudes they are gripped by pants-shitting panic and are saying what they think are their final goodbyes. The Frat Boys reach the top of the steps for the second time, and this time give the correct answer of 53 steps. Arthur and Anita finally climb off the net, to applause from the small crowd that has gathered. "Warning, the last team will be eliminated," Anita reads from the clue, over the chyron reading "Arthur/Anita, Currently in last place." Okay, editors, you put in an effort at building tension. Take five. Ty and Aja have broken into a run toward the Pit Stop, where they're coincidentally spotted by the Frat Boys from their cab. Their church must not have been as far away as I thought. "That looks like Taj and Yja," says Dandr. Meanwhile, the Marisa/Brooke and Anthony/Stephanie seem lost, as the Belles look for a button for a walk signal so they can cross the street. "This isn't America," Stephanie snots. Because the U.S. is the only place in the world with buttons. It's not the interior of Borneo either, Stephanie.
The Hippies get walking directions, as the Frat Boys ditch their cab and hop the ferry to the fort. We're walking, we're walking, we're walking, and the Frat Boys somehow came in seventh. They're still there when Aja and Ty arrive on the mat in eighth place, and both teams celebrate their successful arrival. That leaves three teams yet to arrive, and as Phil waits, Anthony and Stephanie come jogging into view. The Belles are strolling along far behind them, because they're too classy to run. Sure enough, Team Tick-Tock gets ninth, and shares the mat with Marisa and Brooke as they arrive in tenth place. Better pick it up, girls. Losing isn't classy.
Anita and Arthur, the Hippies, the beekeepers, this season's token oldsters, hold hands walking up to the mat, and Phil gives them his best sympathetic-doctor face as he tells them they're done. "It was a good run," Arthur says philosophically. And falsely. Anita interviews, "We know that we gave it all we had, and that's the most important thing. And we're gonna take that back to our kids and friends and family, and tell them if you ever have a chance to do this, you gotta go for it. We know that we tried as hard as we could." Okay, I wasn't sad until she said that. Because, that was the hardest they could try? Really? Arthur tells Phil that the best part was doing this with Anita, and with "ten other incredible couples." Well, behind ten other incredible couples. "It's a privilege to do this," he concludes, and they share one last kiss for the camera. Aw. Okay, bye now.week: Apparently the racers visit a middle school, and are therefore required to behave accordingly.
Read our highly scientific predictions of who'll come out on top for this season's Amazing Race in our Amazing Race 13: Who Will Win? gallery.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com