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This week sends the teams to Croatia, but getting there isn't as easy as you'd think. Running back and forth between different ticket offices doesn't pay off for a few teams, but then it turns out that the best flight -- in terms of the same arrival time and the earliest departure (thus safest and longest layover) is the one where the connection gets screwed, leaving Nick and Don and TK and Rachel to scramble for new flights. But the really big problems come to Azaria and Hendekea, who ask for economy seats but get business class. (It had to happen someday.) They aren't able to exchange them in time to make the flight, so they find themselves bumped to a later flight and wind up running in last place. Among the first clump of teams, Ron and Christina do surprisingly well with a wall-building Roadblock and with navigating on foot, so they actually win the leg and take home a catamaran. Nate and Jen, meanwhile, miss out on first place again, in part because a taxi driver kicks them out for being wet from the Detour, and they're too impatient to get another one, so they just get some guy to give them a ride. This is not the "take a taxi" they were supposed to do, so Phil rejects them at the mat and makes them go back and get a real taxi, hee hee. At any rate, TK and Rachel got a better flight than Nick and Don, so in the end, it's Nick and Don and a late-arriving Azaria and Hendekea, battling it out for the loss. Even though Nick and Don's friendly vibe falters for the first time, they pull it together and make it across the finish line, and Azaria and Hendekea are eliminated. Didn't see that one coming, I have to admit. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Heroes And Vilnius: Ron and Christina "continued to work on their relationship," in the sense that Christina said "I love you so much" a lot, and her dad said "[crickets]." Nick fell behind while hunting for a hair salon, and he and Don fell to last place. Nate and Jen concluded that they didn't like each other at all, which may or may not have an impact on their decision to remain a romantic couple. I mean, it doesn't sound like it would be a fun relationship, but then, every trashcan finds its lid, right? Jennifer almost got herself and Shana flattened by a bus, but didn't. Instead, they were flattened by their performance in the leg. Well, and by the toll taken by their combined one hundred and twelve years of hard living, but: not the point. Shana and Jennifer came in last and were eliminated, saving Nick and Don for another week. Six teams left. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. TK looks like he's about to drop Rachel off the front of that bike.
Commercials. Eddie Murphy's donkey voice is the new "Unwritten."
Vilnius! ("'Vilnius'? ...'Mulva'?") Phil is delicious in a blue plaid shirt and jeans as he stands in front of the pit-stop windmill and explains that this was the fifth pit stop. We get one more little shot of the despised Travelocity gnome as Phil wonders whether -- get this -- Nate can "change his behavior under stress and convince Jen that he's the guy for her in the long run." Did we get a ruling on the field that Nate is supposed to be proving himself to Jen? Has Nate's behavior under stress been their issue? As opposed to the fact that she freaks out like Yosemite Sam (tm spacecitymarc) every time anything goes wrong? We spy on TK and Rachel as they apparently enjoy a pit-stop opportunity to peek at the Travelocity web site and look at how great Japan is going to be. It's pretty gross, but the fact that they are sitting there with the gnome between them makes it downright unsettling, like you can see them going to bed later, and she's purring, "Bring the gnome," and now I grossed myself out, because that's unsanitary. And unsafe, because that hat is pointy. "Thank you, Travelocity!" says TK, and now his soul has the munchies.
1:00 AM. Here go TK and Rachel. The clue tells them to fly to Dubrovnik, Croatia, which TK pronounces reasonably well, except that he emphasizes "DUB" and not "ROV." Phil says that this is about 900 miles, so for a TAR opening flight, not terribly far. Upon landing, they'll go to the base of the Fort Of St. Lawrence, where a clue awaits.
1:01 AM. Kynt and Vyxsin. Okay, I know that they're marching to the beat of their own drummer and everything, but right now, they're marching to the beat of the Wyoming Little Miss Pageant's group-sing rendition of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys," because what is up with the pink cowboy hats? Since when are pink cowboy hats Goth? That's more like Mardi Gras or, like, New Year's Eve in Madison, Wisconsin. And you know what the opposite of "Goth" is? It's "New Year's Eve in Madison, Wisconsin." up in Goth culture: silly string! They catch up with TK and Rachel, and Kynt wants to "go do some research." Maybe he's in the market for some rhinestone-studded spurs, or he's already laying in the green top hats for St. Patrick's Day.
In a cab, Rachel comments that Croatia sounds -- and I am quoting her thoughts on world culture directly here -- "bitchin'." TK tells us in an interview that they're "keeping a mellow head." I'll say. He says that being cool isn't strategy; it's just their way. In the words of Bob Dylan, "Be groovy or leave." And then Rachel says, "Croatia. Sounds like somewhere gymnasts come from or something." This is where I point out that if you created Rachel as a fictional character, and you wanted to capture her precise brand of bland, benign, friendly vapidity, you could do no better than the line, "Croatia sounds like somewhere gymnasts come from or something." Behind them, Kynt needles his cab driver to go faster to keep up. He interviews that he and Vyxsin are good at "encouraging each other." He tells us in the cab that they haven't managed a first-place finish yet, and we have one of those cuts to the cab driver that has no purpose other than to demonstrate that he doesn't give a rat's ass.
1:15 AM. Ron and Chris. She interviews that how they're doing in the race reflects how their relationship is doing, since they're using the race to improve their relationship. I think she underestimates the role of luck, but I know what she's going for. They decide to duck into a hotel and call for a reservation, rather than going to the airport to do the work. Ron asks the clerk to use the phone, and Chris points out that he should try being as nice to her as he is to strangers. Nice.
1:20 AM. Azaria and Hendekea. They seem really pumped about Croatia, as they seem about going almost anywhere. It's a nice quality. She interviews that Azaria can be "a control freak," and that she tends to trust that "he knows what he's doing." They get in a taxi.
1:42 AM. Nick and Don. Nick, as usual, carries both bags as he and Don leave the mat. Don interviews that they're not thrilled about being in last place, so this has been a wake-up call...or maybe another wake-up call...that they need to keep moving. Apparently, Don has decided to pull it together and stop being old. (NB: Nick is wearing a "Country Is Not Pretty" Robbie Fulks T-shirt. If you investigate, you will find out why this is. All I can say is that everyone with any tangential relationship to "Fountains Of Wayne Hotline" is my friend, and I love it when I accidentally identify my natural allies.) Nick agrees in a mat interview that with so few teams left, it's not a winning strategy to just try not to mess up; you have to be a little more aggressive.
Ron and Chris arrive at the airport and find TK and Rachel and Azaria and Hendekea sleeping by the Czech Air office. Chris says in an interview that while they were glad to have the ticket they had, they weren't sure about it, so they lined up with everybody else, and had the third position. (Apparently, Kynt and Vyxsin have decided at this point to do something else.) TK notes that they don't seem very concerned about securing a spot in line. Nate and Jen arrive and are in fourth place, and Nick and Don are fifth. Elsewhere, Kynt and Vyxsin don't understand why everybody is lined up by Czech. "Why are they assuming that's the best?" Kynt asks. "'Cause they're sheep," Vyxsin says contemptuously, and there's the moment I was fearing, where it becomes clear that the "embrace the world" philosophy is hiding something not nearly as generous. Yes, everyone is a sheep. Everyone but you, because you have pink hair and you're so different and you wear funny hats and you hate it when people just go along with the crowd. It turns out to be the case all too often that this is where self-proclaimed "alternative" people are coming from, and...unfortunately, it's where they're coming from, too. Kynt interviews that their opinion is that the best option is to go to a travel agency office in the airport.
Sitting in line for Czech Air, Christina calls Hendekea and Azaria over and tells them that she has the number for Polish Air, and that she and her dad already have reservations. Chris interviews that this is the only team they "completely trust." She cautions Azaria that he'll need the country code in order to call. Azaria and Hendekea leave their spot in line and look for a phone to call Polish Air.
Kynt and Vyxsin are in the travel agency office, and Vyxsin snots that everyone else is "pointing and looking at us." "We're used to people pointing and looking at us," Kynt says. Have you forgotten how alternative they are? Because he thought he'd remind you. I can't stand this kind of thing -- this kind of camera-hogging bullshit where the mere fact that other teams are watching them get their tickets becomes yet another opportunity to continue the tiresome drumbeat of alleged "originality" that's already become boring.
Anyway, Nate and Jen decide to go over and try the travel agent themselves. As Jen notes in an obviously later-taped interview, she and Nate are the second team to abandon their spot in the Czech Air line to go for the travel agency. Ron and Chris visit the travel agency to just ask when the office door opens. They stand in the door and call out to the agent -- not trying to make her do anything for them as far as tickets; just trying to find out when the office door opens. This happens at places like the airport all the time, obviously, but Kynt decides to get himself all bent out of shape about it, of course. Kynt gets all pissy about how Ron has to get in line, apparently just to ask a question about the hours door, and of course Ron gets all pissy in response, because he's Ron. They're both acting like dicks, really, but whether to look up and answer a question for one person while booking tickets for another person is a business practice of the travel agent, which Kynt is not in charge of enforcing. Ron isn't trying to shove him out of line or get in front of him; he's trying to ask a question, which is incredibly common in any business -- if you've ever been waited on at a counter, you know the practice of interrupting to ask where the bathroom is, or when the office door opens, or what the hours are. People don't always wait in line to ask a question if their question will take thirty seconds and everybody else needs ten minutes; that's entirely standard, and it's really not any pale skin off Kynt's nose if the agent answers the question. They're really both wrong, and obviously, Ron's flying off the handle and "I didn't fuck with your reservations" and so forth is totally unnecessary, and he's acted like a dick before, so he gets the opposite of the benefit of the doubt. But Kynt is also sort of imperiously deciding what the travel agent's practices should be, which is a little much. Happiest? Nate and Jen, who are momentarily not the biggest jerks in the room. Christina apologizes for her dad, and Vyxsin's all, "I have a dad, too," like, thanks, but it's a little patronizing. Because do you also have a drama-queen "boyfriend"? I think you do.
TK explains that this was all really un-groovy, man, and they just "stuck to what [their] plan was" when the chaos began to swirl. He also points out to Christina back in the Czech Air line that everybody else bailed, so the team behind him and Rachel is now Nick and Don. Meanwhile, the guy who's trying to help Azaria and Hendekea call Poland (who just looks like...a random dude, so I'm not sure that's the best thing they could have done) tells them that the call won't go through. And now they've lost their spot with Czech Air as well. It looks like Azaria still wants to try to call Poland, and Hendekea just wants to get back to the line for the tickets they know should be there. They stand out on the floor of the airport and bicker, and he's all, "Don't give me the attitude" through his teeth, and that's not very good.
At last, the Czech Airlines lady shows up at the office, and she seems just a little overwhelmed by the line of people waiting outside the door (currently TK and Rachel, Nick and Don, and Ron and Christina). Meanwhile, over at the travel agency, Jen looks over and sees that the Czech Air counter just opened. TK and Rachel get a ticket on Czech Airlines, via Prague, leaving at 6:00 AM and arriving at 11:20 AM. Nate and Jen poke their heads in and learn that there are plenty of seats on that flight. Hey, look at that. They poked their heads in and asked a question, and nobody in line ahead of them freaked out and acted like a big baby about it, Kynt. Nate and Jen jump lines again and get in the back of this one.
And now, Azaria and Hendekea are back, and they're fighting, and in the course of this, he clearly implies that he does all the work on the team, so she shouldn't get a big head because he made one mistake and she was perhaps right about one thing one time. It's pretty brutal, in some ways. "One decision and you think you're all bad-ass," he says meanly, and given the way he talks to her (which is pretty shitty a lot of the time), I'm surprised that he doesn't hear how it sounds when he tries to flip this on her like this. I mean, it's obvious that he's just embarrassed about screwing up, and that's very human, but this is meaner than I would have anticipated he would be. She tries to take the position that now, he's taken them out of line and they're stuck with what he stuck them with and they'll move on, but he tells her that's not good enough -- she should be figuring out a way to get them out of it. "It" being...what he got them into. She chews on one finger, thinking, "Note to self: time people mention how Azaria's kind of an asshole, don't pretend to disagree." Christina tries to bail them out by asking them if they want to go over to the travel agency and see what the deal is over there. So basically, they're taking the spot that Nate and Jen just vacated at the back of the travel-agent line. They walk off.
Kynt and Vyxsin are told about the 6:00 AM flight via Prague, and over his shoulder, Hendekea asks how many tickets there are -- the same question, incidentally, that Nate and Jen just asked without incident in the other line full of non-whiners, but of course, Kynt has to step on the travel agent's prerogative to decide how to do her job again, and he's all, "Can we finish our transaction, please?" And I wish he'd stop saying "transaction," because it just sounds like blowhardiness for its own sake. I like Vyxsin okay, but I'm starting to think Kynt's kind of...not very nice.
Over at Czech Air, TK and Rachel are done, and behind them, Nick and Don ask for the same tickets. The agent asks if they want business class, and they're like, "No business class; economy, economy." You'll recall that teams on the race are not allowed to travel business class. Economy only. Nick also notes that it's now 5:10 AM, so they need to keep moving so they can make the 6:00 AM flight. Meanwhile, Christina and Ron relocate to the Polish Air office so they can purchase the tickets they've already reserved. Unfortunately, the ticket office says it doesn't open until 5:30 AM, so that's going to be tight as well.
The travel agent tells Kynt and Vyxsin that they could also fly via Warsaw (Polish Air, ding!), and that will also get in at 11:20 AM, and it leaves at 6:25 AM instead of 6:00, giving them more time to make the flight. As far as we can see, they don't inquire into the length of the layover, which is weird, because you would obviously check the length of the layover. So they decide to go with the Polish Air flight. The Polish Air office where Ron and Chris are is also open, so they pick up their tickets for that flight and get moving toward the gate. And then, back at the travel agency, Hendekea is explaining their need to get to Dubrovnik as fast as possible. It does appear that Azaria says, "Two tickets, economy." Maybe he needed to say it...more loudly? More firmly? While waving a lighter? Hendekea is in a hurry, but he's telling her to relax.
At Czech Air, Nick and Don are almost done, and Nate and Jen are waiting behind them. Nick reminds us that their tickets are on the 6:00 AM flight, same as TK and Rachel. But when they're gone and Nate and Jen step up, they're told that it's too late to get that flight, because check-in is closed. They beg and plead, they have to get on, but the ticket agent is sorry, and she can't do anything for them. Apparently, Lithuanian ticket agents don't like whining any more than ticket agents in other countries do. Someday, our teams will find the magical country where lamenting your situation in a tireless bellow is appreciated for the art that it is. They hightail it to the travel agency, where Azaria and Hendekea are still waiting for their tickets. They fill in Nate and Jen on the 6:25 AM flight, so Nate and Jen decide to try to get that flight, but Azaria sends them to another counter rather than telling them to wait for the agent he's working with. Azaria and Hendekea get their tickets. Elsewhere, Nate and Jen get their tickets as he laments their "freaking bad luck, man." ["...Judd? Is that you?" -- Joe R]
So the 6:00 AM flight leaves, carrying TK and Rachel and Nick and Don. Kynt and Vyxsin are getting ready to board their flight to Warsaw. Kynt says that it takes off in twenty minutes, so we're getting close to the line, as far as other teams showing up for this particular flight. Nate and Jen get their tickets at their counter and go. As Azaria and Hendekea check in, Ron and Christina run up to check in as well. But when Hendekea goes to inquire into seats close to the front of the plane, she's told that they can't change their seats, because they're in business class. It's kind of a great/awful moment as Hendekea, startled, grabs the desk and says, "Business class?" She grabs Azaria and passes on the bad news, and he has the same terrible moment, caught on camera, where he realizes that...noooo no no, they do not want business class tickets. Not the free drinks. Not the extra-wide seating! Not the slippers! ANYTHING BUT THE SLIPPERS! Angry as hell, they run back up the stairs to the travel agent's office. Nate and Jen and Ron and Chris check in for this flight. Upstairs at the travel agent's, Azaria and Hendekea ask the agent to redo their tickets in economy, but now she's working on something else, and they have to wait. By now, downstairs, Nate and Jen are being bugged to hurry onto the plane, so upstairs, Hendekea and Azaria are out of luck, as the agent finally tells them. She says there are no seats, but I think the issue is that the plane is, like, leaving. Now. "We messed up bad," Hendekea says miserably, one hand to her cheek.
After we return from commercials, Azaria and Hendekea tell the travel agent that they just need the fastest way to Dubrovnik, now that they've missed all the fast ways to Dubrovnik. Hendekea loudly blames the decision to leave the line, but I'm not even sure that's the issue at all. This was a really hard thing to predict, and I'm not sure this has anything to do with the decision to get out of line. I mean, there are certain risks inherent in getting out of line, but this isn't really one of them. Getting out of line was literally the cause, because I guess the agent in the other office wouldn't have screwed up, but the actual problem here is a lightning-strike weird thing that really, nobody can predict. It could have happened to them anywhere, really, so while I like her, blaming him for the running around is kind of unfair here. But I feel her, too, because he's really bossy, and sometimes, you have to fight bossy with whatever unfair resources you have at your disposal. They get a flight through Frankfurt. "Can we get economy class, please?" says Azaria, remaining just on this side of the bitchy line while waving his foot to it, all, "I'm not touching you!" The agent has some good news for Azaria and Hendekea, though: the folks traveling through Prague (that's TK and Rachel and Nick and Don) will be late, because there are, she says, "all kind of delays." They all agree that they'll just hope that there are "all kind of delays" for the other teams.
And here we are, at the Prague airport. Guess what! All kind of delays. Apparently, the flight to Prague was very late, so they've missed the connection. In fact, by the time they get out to the gate, there's no sign of anyone or anything; everything's long gone. It's so deserted that the sound guys pull out the "single marble bouncing around in a tin milk pail" effect that means "You just could not be more screwed." That's way worse than the gong and the rattlesnake. "We missed the flight," Nick observes unhappily. And kind of obviously. They all make their way to a counter where TK and Rachel get some tickets through Vienna, but when Nick and Don get up there, they can't get tickets on that flight. They have to take a flight through Zagreb. So now, they're going from Vilnius to Prague to Zagreb to Dubrovnik, and that's pretty circuitous, even if you don't know where any of those places are.
Aaaaand Dubrovnik! It's a very, very pretty town on the water, and Nate and Jen come flying out of the airport, and she literally leaps into the street to hail a cab. They head for the Fort Of St. Lawrence. Kynt and Vyxsin are behind them, and they get a cab, too. And then, Ron and Chris. Driving along the water, Jen comments that the view out over the water is completely fantastic. "We have never seen a view like this [in bed]," she says. Kynt agrees, saying it's one of the prettiest places they've been. Christina calls it "a piece of heaven." And the Dubrovnik Tourism Board turns over its payment to the show. Nate and Jen and Kynt and Vyxsin find their way to the harbor nearest the fort, with Ron and Chris behind, but as the teams dash around the harbor area looking for the clue box, it's Ron and Chris who get there first. They open the clue, which is a Roadblock that asks, "Who has a builder's eye?" Phil explains about Roadblocks, and says that in this one, you "help out with the renovation of Dubrovnik's city walls." Hey, that's patronizing! Just another example of the reality-show establishment looking down on Dubrovnik's regular wall-builders! Phil brings some gravity by saying that the walls need to be rebuilt because of all the bombings during the civil war here. Well, then. There's a pile of 150 stones, and you have to pick out one of eight that will fit in a row of open spaces in the wall. Once you find the right one, you'll get your clue. Ron takes the Roadblock, and he makes his way to the pile of rocks. Because you know what's good for a hernia? Rock-hauling. Christina urges him on as he realizes that fitting a particular stone into a hole in the wall is not going to be as easy as he thought.
Jen and Nate and Kynt and Vyxsin are still looking for the clue box.
Ron gets himself a stone that fits in the wall, so before anyone else has even found the clue box for the Roadblock, he's done and getting his clue. The clue tells them to "make [their] way to the roof" of the Fort Of St. Lawrence. Phil says that once they get up there, they'll take a tandem zip line that will take them to another tower. They begin to head for the roof, and Nate and Jen and Kynt and Vyxsin consult a map to see where the hell they're going. Up at the top of the roof, Ron and Christina are strapped into their safety gear for the zip line. "I just ate. I might throw up my lunch," Ron offers. He certainly is a wad of difficulties. "Don't close your eyes, okay?" she says to him. "You will never see this view ever again." Aw. Zzzzip! They fly through the air, and they are both screaming. Quite a lot. "That was awesome," Christina laughs as they get un...safety-geared. They read the clue, which is for the Detour. The Detour options are Short & Long or Long & Short. Phil says this is a choice between "ways that foreign armies might have tried to invade Dubrovnik." I really hope that Short & Long is shooting a short person out of a long cannon, because that is totally the one Nate and Jen should do. Phil explains that in Short & Long, you rappel down the fort, then follow a marked path to a city wall that you scale using a rope ladder, then you go on foot and navigate through the old town to a clue box. In Long & Short, you take another tandem zip down to the water, then you swim to a platform and row a little fishing boat around the harbor, winding up at the same clue box. So the first one has more running around, but the second one has more boat-rowing. But it has no climbing. I'm not sure these are very balanced, honestly. But Phil says that this second option might not be for "teams without extreme physical prow-ESS."
Ron and Chris take the boat, thinking it's "easiest." So much for the need for physical prow-ESS. Apparently, that didn't get through as the message.
Finally, Nate and Jen and Kynt and Vyxsin find the clue box. And I do mean "finally." Nate and Kynt take the Roadblock (remember, with the blocks?) for their teams. "Just fit it in every hole, okay?" Jen says. And I really feel like if I add "in bed," it's going to make this site pop up in a lot of very naughty Google searches. Vyxsin suggests that it's "just like Tetris," which is amusing mostly because the best comparison Vyxsin can think of for fitting something into something else is Tetris. Not a Lego set, not...you know, building blocks...but Tetris, which this really has nothing to do with.
Ron and Chris tandem down into the water. They swim to the platform.
Nate finds the stone, and he and Jen get their clue. Kynt is still working. Jen and Nate leave for the roof. Meanwhile, Ron and Chris choose a boat and leave to row around the city walls. Christina tells her dad to face the front of the boat, which is...not right, as I understand rowing this kind of boat. It's not a canoe; it's a rowboat, and don't you sit backwards? I mean, I know you can row facing front and people do it, but I don't think she's right in suggesting that you are meant, in this sort of boat, to turn your body forward. But he tries, because she says to.
Nate and Jen fly from the roof to the other tower. "THIS IS AMAZING!" she hollers. Iiiiiiin bed. They choose the Long & Short. Ron and Chris are getting nowhere, in the meantime, so she says they can go back to "the old way that you like." Meaning..."rowing"? Her dad, of course, isn't satisfied to be right, so he has to brag about how fast he is now, using his back for rowing, and telling her that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." And also, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. You think about that. I'll be over here. You know, it occurs to me that Ron is a really sore winner. I mean, I guess he's a sore everything right now, but winning arguments really doesn't flatter him. Nate looks out and sees Ron and Chris in the boat, and he vows that they will kick that team's ass. They zip down into the water.
Finally, Kynt completes the Roadblock, as we get another stock shot of the mason in his white bucket hat, nodding his approval. They head up to the roof.
Ron tells Chris that he's running out of rowing energy. Nate and Jen are gaining, in theory, but he says he doesn't know how to row a boat. "We have other teams in front of us already, Nate," she bitches. "Thanks for telling me that," he snots in return. "I'm saying we need to figure this out," she says. He angrily tells her, then, to chill out and let him try to figure it out "without you yappin' in my ear every second." Meanwhile, Ron and Chris decide they'll each take an oar to do the rowing. Nate and Jen try the same thing, but it's not going so well for them. "You're the meanest person I've ever met sometimes," she says. "I am not!" he protests. Good comeback! He protests that she's not even trying; she claims that she is. "Give me a break-uh," she moans. Oh my God, BREAK UP ALREADY!
Ron and Chris row the boat. He interviews that not everyone has the understanding of the importance of the team relationship that, say, he has. I'm sure his frequently berated daughter tooootally agrees.
We return to Nate and Jen, who are still having a wonderful time traveling together on their personal Love Boat. Specifically, Jen tells him that he should be a "gentleman" and simply ask her nicely to row a different way. "Hey, how about you just paddle and we stop discussing this?" he says instead.
Kynt and Vyxsin zip from the roof to the tower clutching their pink cowboy hats. Wouldn't want to lose those. They'll have nothing to wear for Hello Kitty Line-Dancing Night at the totally Goth clubs where they totally hang out! They read the Detour clue, and he thinks the rappelling seems like it will go faster.
Meanwhile, out in Ron and Christina's boat, Ron sees Nate and Jen, and Chris comments that Nate and Jen "really want first" (I guess the news is out), but she and her dad are going to get it. Speaking of Nate and Jen, she whines, "Why aren't you paddling?" (They're paddling it like a canoe...incorrectly.) He says, pretty much matching her whiny tone, "Because every time I paddle --" She cuts him off with, "WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?" Oh my God, sister, calm down, seriously. They bicker about the paddling, and he's saying, "Just keep going, please," and she comes back with -- don't miss this one -- "I hate you. I hate you." "Man, Jen," he says ruefully. "This is so bad," she says. "I'm never going to be with you ever again. I hate you with a passion." He puts his head down and rubs the back of his neck. BREEEEAK UUUUUP ALREEEEADY!
As Kynt and Vyxsin get ready to climb, he notes that the straps look "kinda hot." He's just trying way too hard. He comments to the camera, as she gets ready to rappel, that she has "a military father," so she's done "camping and climbing" with him. He's sure it will be no problem. She makes it down the wall.
"Come on, baby, we can do this," Nate encourages Jen. They're still paddling the boat totally wrong, but at least now they're moving.
Kynt rappels, while Vyxsin yells at him not to look down.
Ron and Chris, then Nate and Jen, pull up their boats at the end of the Detour. Nate gets out of the boat in a way that rocks it back and forth in the ankle-deep water a little too much for our Miss Jen, so she sarcastically snots, "Very graceful, Nate." Okay, now she's just looking for stuff. These two teams are both looking for the plaza where they have to finish, and Nate brings Jen up a ladder as a "shortcut" at one point. That's pretty bold. Could end in disaster, that. Although maybe he's thinking of throwing her off of it, in which case he may be cruel, but at least he's thinking.
Vyxsin is the first to use the rope ladder to go up the wall. And then "Little pink kitten, you're at the top!" happens, and I sort of want to throw up, but okay.
Nate and Jen are ahead of Ron and Chris now, because they find the plaza and the clue that sends them to the pit stop. They're in first place, and they're getting the pit stop clue! Surely this time, they will finish first, as Jen wants so much! Phil explains that the pit stop clue sends them via taxi through the city to a big stone cross that overlooks the city. Phil stands majestically before the cross as he explains that this will be the pit stop. Ron and Chris are right on Nate and Jen's tails as both teams head away from the clue box.
Kynt scales the rope ladder, and Vyxsin calls him "a little Goth action hero." You know, I'm not sure it's cool to talk about your own classifications quite this much. Like, you're a more lovable stoner if you don't call yourself a stoner, and you're a more lovable Goth if you don't say "Goth" all the time. But...to each his or her own, as people with pink hair totally teach us all. He reaches the top, and they run off for the allegedly complex navigation part, with her cautioning that they haven't been great at finding stuff up to this point.
Nate and Jen are walking, and she spots the cross on the mountain, so at least they know where they're pointing. They get a cab, but as they're about to get in, the driver says, "Wait. Wait. Wait." Jen turns and looks at him. "Are you wet?" he asks. "Um, I'm not that wet," she says, but her hair is wet, and she is that wet, so the guy's like, "No dice, Dampy O'Dank," and Jen freaks the fuck out, just as you'd expect. "Oh my GOSH, are you SERIOUS?" she asks. He is serious. I'm sort of shocked she didn't try telling him they'd change their clothes or lay something over the seats. Just change your clothes, right? I don't get it. Meanwhile, Ron and Chris get into a cab and leave. Either they're more dry, or their driver is more mellow. Nate and Jen freak out even more when they see that Ron and Chris got a cab. Jen melts down right there on the street as they're trying to get a cab, and she's going back and forth between being angry and being...pitiful, alternately weeping and hollering. "Oh my God, NaaaaAAAAATE-uh!" She wails, "This is so unfair," and Nate has to hold it together now while she gets all upset. "No, it's not okay, our relationship SUCKS!" she says angrily. Whoa, whoa, what? The cab driver didn't refuse to take you because of your relationship, girly, so maybe argue about this later.
Elsewhere, TK and Rachel open the Roadblock clue. Rachel takes it, and when she's intimidated by the rock pile, TK tells her to "just enjoy the weather."
Nate and Jen are back at the end of the Detour, re-reading the clue, and Jen gets all snotty, saying, "Hurry, the last team to check in may be eliminated!" Hey, don't bitch, bitch. It wasn't their fault you didn't follow directions.
Rachel successfully fits the stone into the opening and is told it's "good work." They read the clue to go up to the roof.
And Nate and Jen finally get in a proper cab to the pit stop, as she moans that she "can't deal with any of this anymore." He looks not to be very glad that he brought her on the race, and I think she's in the running to become the first partner ever abandoned in a bad part of a town in Croatia after her partner says, "Wait, I have to go to the bathroom; I will be right back," and calls her from Tokyo, like, "What happened? I thought you were right behind me, I swear!"
Kynt and Vyxsin reach the pit stop. BOOM! You are team number two! High-five! Like the totally dating couple you totally are!
TK and Rachel zip from roof to tower. They select the rappelling.
Nate and Jen run by the BOOM! again, which is a little bit funny, honestly, because this time, Jen just frowns more, because she forgot to brace herself for it. You can sort of tell she wants to punch the guy with the cannon. But they are team number three, and they shake hands. Phil notes that it's not the most affection he's ever seen. Jen says they're "both not happy with each other." In an interview, she says that whether they'll wind up together is "unpredictable," by which she means, "His probationary period is infinite, and therefore is not over yet."
Hey, here's another plane! It's Nick and Don! Though this time, they don't tell you what time it is, so I think they don't want you to know how much suspense there is or is not. In their cab, Nick tells us that this is the first time they've been completely separated from the other teams with no real clue where the hell they are -- though they probably know that the situation is not good.
Meanwhile, Rachel rappels, and TK very much enjoys watching her. He does the rappel also.
And now, Azaria and Hendekea land and get a cab. No timing on that, either.
Don takes the Roadblock.
Hendekea asks her driver whether any other "people like us" have come through the airport, and he breaks the news that lots and lots have already been by. Elsewhere, Nick is doing the "Come on Grandpa, it's a race!" thing. I think this is the first time I've heard "Grandpa" instead of "Don." It's cute. Nick explains in an interview that he thinks Don's approach to the Roadblock is "a little bit too methodical," in that he's carefully thinking over which stone to pick, rather than just trying them out as fast as he can. Don thinks he has it at one point, but he's denied. Apparently, his long career of odd jobs did not take him on a detour through masonry.
Azaria and Hendekea arrive at the fort.
Nick prods Don as Don tries to put the stone in the wall. Don is denied again. In a sequence that's suspiciously Frankenbitey, in that nobody's mouth is moving at any time, Nick allegedly is all, "You've got to move faster," and Don is all, "I am tired." I think they're going for something here that's not really happening, so much -- the kid is frustrated, but I don't think there's any serious elder abuse going on or anything. If Nick punches his grandpa last week, I am going to be so shown up.
At any rate, after some more commercials, Don finally gets the stone in place, and they leave for the roof of the fort. Azaria and Hendekea are finding the fort, and TK and Rachel are up ahead, pulling the pit stop clue. They get a cab for the cross. Up on the roof as they're strapped in, Nick looks down and sees Azaria and Hendekea, so those two teams apparently are really close to each other. Speaking of the brother and sister, when they get the "builder's eye" clue, Hendekea just says, "Azaria, you have to do it." And there's something about the delivery that smacks of "it's too important for me to do it," and that's unfortunate. She's a perfectly capable person. Nick and Don zip line to the tower, and Hendekea looks up and sees them, excitedly pointing out to Azaria that there's a team within reach, so they're not out of it, which they probably thought they were. Nick and Don read the Detour clue, and Nick thinks they ought to get in the boat rather than rappelling, to give Don a chance to rest. Azaria works on the Roadblock. Nick and Don zip down to the water. Azaria finishes the Roadblock, so they're ready to go.
BOOM! Welcome, TK and Rachel, you are team number four. They're very happy with this finish, all things considered, including the fact that they're pretty nice people in general. I wish she hadn't said the "gymnast" thing.
Azaria and Hendekea get to the Detour clue, and they take the boat, with him saying that'll be good because that way, he can do the rowing. Oh, pish.
I do not believe at all that Nick is saying "You've got to move faster" to Don at all, because they keep showing that and he keeps not being close enough to see his lips moving. But at any rate, Don has done at least some of the rowing, and he asks Nick if he wants to row a while. Nick says yes. Meanwhile, Azaria and Hendekea zip to the water and look for their boat. "Just keep going, Nick," Don encourages. He pushes Nick to go faster (so they're even, I think) and kibitzes him about the oar placement. "Worry about yourself," Nick says. "I'm helping you here, if you know it or not," Don says. Definitely a little Bickerson action going on with this team. Fight! Fight! Fight! He's no match for you, Nick -- you've got both backpacks!
Nick and Don pull their boat up by the flag and go to the plaza, where they grab the pit stop clue. Azaria and Hendekea aren't far behind. Don wants to go in a different direction to get the cab, and Nick is concerned. Azaria and Hendekea get the pit stop clue.
Nick and Don have now managed to get themselves confused looking for the place where they can get a cab. Azaria and Hendekea are looking, too. Nick and Don finally find a cab, and Nick narrates unnecessarily that they're "headed up to the pit stop right now." And then, Nick and Don's cab stops along the road to the stone cross, because some crazypants car is in the middle of the road or something. I believe that's a 1998 Chevy Contrivance. Hendekea tells Azaria, over in their cab, that they're "still in this." Finally, Nick and Don's traffic issue clears, and they head up. Cabs! Pit stop! "Oh my God!" And up the pit-stop steps come...Nick and Don! On the mat, they're smiling, and they seem pretty sure that Azaria and Hendekea didn't pass them, so they're not so shocked when they learn that they're team number five.
Here come Azaria and Hendekea. You are last, and, much to many people's surprise, you are eliminated. Hendekea says that they didn't really get beat; they beat themselves. Which is kind of true. In his closing interviews, Azaria makes a great show of the whole brother-as-drill-sergeant thing, sort of making it sound like he sees his function as challenging her, without much in the way of reciprocity. She tells us that she knows Azaria is "hard on [her]" because he wants her to achieve and be great and so forth. It's easier for me to digest when this comes from siblings than when it comes from romantic couples, but I always cringe at this "he yells at me because he loves me" stuff. He just seems to assume, as a starting point, that he's superior to her and in a position to educate her about how to be, and I don't really agree with him on that, but he's not a bad guy, I don't think. I hope he finds a way to relate to her differently as she gets a little older, because I'm thinking there's an expiration date on this routine. She does say that it's "brought [them] closer together," so that's nice. Now, they can go home to their chemicals and their beakers and everything they really love.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
time (in two weeks, two days before Christmas, WHATEVER): Nick and Don have issues with the Fast Forward. Kynt screams like a pissy jackass -- saw that coming.