In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. In this double episode, we start out by heading to Warsaw, Poland, where teams meet up with Chopin and take a shot at piano tuning or X-rays, as they prefer. There's more scrambling of the order than you'd expect in light of the extreme differences between teams' arrival times at the end of the last leg, both because travel from Mozambique to Warsaw isn't that easy and because sometimes Detour clues are hard. The first leg is non-elimination, and Team Guido winds up at the end of the pack, making them "marked" for elimination in the second hour. That hour takes the teams to Auschwitz, where everyone is moved and no one is happy. After that, they run into an Intersection, which requires teams to work in pairs. This works out well for Uchenna and Joyce and Danny and Oswald, who team up to take the Fast Forward and finish strong. It works out badly for Dustin and Kandice, who have run a really good leg and wind up just barely being the third team at the Intersection, which requires them to wait about four hours for another team they can work with. The BQs team up with Charla and Mirna, leaving Team Guido and Eric and Pink as the other team. This all culminates in a giant volume-eating competition, which is as exciting as those always are (which is to say: not very), and while Charla is weak at eating two feet of sausage, so are both Eric and Pink. In any event, the teams go from here to a Roadblock, where Charla puts on a suit of armor and keeps falling down. That's about the size of it. Team Guido does manage to finish ahead of Eric and Pink, but just barely, so the half-hour penalty they have to absorb completely finishes them off. In this episode, Eric uncorks maybe his funniest line ever, Mirna finally pays a price for the ridiculous asshole way she treats people, and Chopin looks surprisingly good for a dead guy. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Teams spread out by hours and hours, until Mirna and Charla had to wait for "the weather" to allow the other teams to catch up. A boat ride to Zanzibar had Charla horking up her guts over the rail, while Mirna just waved a flag for herself. Team Guido and Teri and Ian wound up getting stuck in a race for last place, in which Teri and Ian emerged victorious; that is to say, last. And they were eliminated, and they went home, and frankly, it was pretty annoying.
Credits. Oh, world. You're so big. And I really thank this show for letting me see so much of you as people run by you as quickly as possible while yelling.
Commercials. I don't care how many times Keckler says it's like apocalypse porn. I'm not watching Jericho. I saw the pilot, and it was like the Hallmark Hall of the Nuclear Holocaust. Actually, this had better be it for recapping the commercials, because this damn episode is going to be long enough as it is.
We are in Zanzibar, where this great big castle was the pit stop. Can Team Guido come back from almost a whole day behind? Are Charla and Mirna really Too Hot To Handle? And if they aren't, can we all still use "too hot" as an excuse not to handle them?
4:20 AM. Charla and Mirna. The clue sends them 5000 miles to Warsaw, Poland. Phil says that when they land, they'll head for Czapski Palace, childhood home of Frederic Chopin, where a dude dressed up like Chopin will be playing the piano right by their clue. I like the implication that Chopin is sort of the Mickey Mouse of Poland, like you have to go get your picture taken with him and he's not allowed to talk out of character. Phil also exposits that because getting to Warsaw is difficult (as we will see), everyone has guaranteed tickets on a flight that will arrive at 11:25 AM the day. Of course, you can do better than that if you can find better tickets. Mirna interviews that she and Charla love coming in first, but it's harder, because now they're seen as a threat. I love the idea that Mirna thinks she "flies under the radar." I guess the radar doesn't speak Pidgin English. They get into a cab and decide to wait for Danny and Oswald, who are and are also probably the only people who would cab-share with them without carrying garlic and a cross.
4:28 AM. Danny and Oswald. Oswald says that they're "not stupid," and they're competing, and they don't believe in alliances. Except with fabulousness. That's the best alliance of all. When they run into Charla and Mirna, the girls ask if Danny and Oswald want to share the taxi, and the guys agree. For the moment, they've decided to head for their hotel.
It's light outside all of a sudden, because Joyce and Uchenna are leaving at 7:55 AM. Oh, dear. Now Uchenna will think he made the sun come out by being a good person. There's $121 available for this leg, as it turns out. Historically, the money people like palindrome amounts, so maybe it's a return to form. Uchenna says that their "spirit was definitely lifted" by surviving their non-elimination penalty. He then explains that having good times together helps a couple to grow. He just wanted you to know that. Free life lesson. No charge. As usual, he and Joyce think that this whole thing is going to be great for their relationship. As they walk, Joyce says they're headed for a South African Airways office that they saw, which is pretty convenient.
8:00 AM. BQs. As they run for a taxi, Dustin excitedly says, "We're going to get to see Chopin playing the piano!" Kandice says, "For real?" And Dustin is sort of sad about having to say, "Well... he's dead." I was not sad, however. I was highly amused, and I tried not to be amused in a mean way, since I'm working on liking them. Dustin interviews that on this race, everyone knows how to work angles, so her tricks aren't as effective, because other people have tricks, too. Vomiting when necessary, for instance. (Spoiler!) (Believe it or not.) One or the other of them observes that at this point in the race, you have to "step it up" or you'll be out. That speech, as you know, is written on cave walls to drawings of primitive clue envelopes.
When Uchenna and Joyce get to the South African Airways office, they find that it doesn't open for a bit, so they're not able to immediately work on flights. Meanwhile, Oswald and Danny and Charla and Mirna get to a travel agency that is expected to open soon, and that has absolutely no idea what it's in for. The BQs appear at this same place. Over at the South African Airways office, Joyce is saying she thinks they should call the travel agency while they're waiting. So when the travel agency opens and lets the three teams that are waiting into the office, they all obediently follow and sit down. Just as the staff is settling in, the phone rings. Unsurprisingly, it's Uchenna, asking about flights to Warsaw. The other teams gather that this might be the case, and when the lady writes down Uchenna's name, they realize they're right. Dustin asks the woman to please have the people on the phone call back, since she has appeared in person and would like to be helped first. It is indeed true that (1) in-person customers have a legitimate priority over phone customers in my vision of service; and (2) the other teams technically saw the customer service lady first, since they were waiting outside when the place opened. I think Dustin is probably in the right here. The way she says it is firm but friendly, and she stops short of being rude while still asking for what she wants. It's a skill many people, not to mention many racers, could stand to acquire. Uchenna starts asking the lady what the person looks like who he can hear asking her to hang up, and he asks if there's a little person with her. In case you're wrong, it would be hard to ask that without leading with, "I know this sounds like a weird question." He then tells the woman that the person asking her to hang up is a competitor. I love it when people drag that out, like the lady is going to care. "Well, I never!" she will say, just before slapping Dustin with a glove. Dustin, unfazed, pantomimes hanging up, as does Mirna behind her. They win when the woman tells Uchenna he will need to call back and hangs up.
The BQs grab a taxi to the airport. They're very relieved to be getting into Warsaw a couple of hours ahead of any other route they know of right now. At the Mob Rule Travel Agency, Mirna is chuckling and complaining about her heart attack and her need for "emergency help." I think she and I would disagree about the type of doctor she requires, as I imagine she's envisioning more gentle massages and I'm envisioning more butterfly nets. We return to the BQs as they arrive at Zanzibar International Airport. They check in and head for the plane, which leaves at 12:30. The Amazing World Map helps Phil remind us of their Addis-Ababa-Frankfurt-Warsaw route. The Mob Rule Travel Agency crew notes that they've now been sitting there for four hours. But because they can't buy tickets at the Zanzibar airport, they might as well hang out and wait for a better offer. Uchenna and Joyce have also been at South African Airways for four hours, also with no luck. But wait! They are told of a route through Johannesburg, then to Frankfurt, then to Warsaw. It's the same Frankfurt-Warsaw flight as the BQs, most likely, since it's arriving at 9:10. They will take it, and they're told to pick up their tickets in Frankfurt for the last leg of the trip. Mob Rule Travel Agency still has no love for Mirna and her friends. It's hard to believe they don't have tickets, when Mirna told the lady to concentrate. What is with people?
Oh, hey, at 3:15 PM, it's time for Eric and Pink to leave the mat. Disorienting! Pink tells us that the whole thing is "testing [their] relationship," because the "extreme situations" are causing them to "argue a little bit." By which she means, "I kind of never knew he was this putzy until I got to know him." Believe me, lady, I've been there. She says that she doesn't think it's fair that Eric is "snippy" anytime she expresses her opinion. I concur, Pink. Don't you take that lying down. So to speak. And also literally. Eric has to explain to her where Warsaw is, though, so she's not off to the best possible start in terms of making contributions. They get in a cab, and she indicates her braids, telling him she looks "like a little Polish girl." Eric says she doesn't look Polish, and she insists Polish girls are blondes. He's not sure how she knows what Polish girls look like if she didn't know where Warsaw is located. At the Mob Rule Travel Agency, Mirna still has nothing but contempt for the travel agent.
Uchenna and Joyce board their flight at Zanzibar airport. At 3:20 PM, they leave for Johannesburg.
Eric and Pink arrive at the Mob Rule Travel Agency. Inside, Danny and Oswald and Mirna and Charla break the news that they've already been here for seven hours. Yikes. Can you imagine having Mirna inside your place of business for seven hours? I think that technically qualifies under international law as a siege. Eric asks if they've found anything better than the 11:25 arrival, and Mirna turns around and extravagantly snots sarcastically that of course, there are better flights, and they decided to turn them down just to wait for Eric. I think she misunderstood the question just a little, because I think he was trying to find out whether it was a matter of no space, or a matter of no flights, or what. Eric suggests to Pink that they look for another travel agency, but she's not sure how much good that's going to do. Outside on the sidewalk, she gets a little more assertive and says she isn't sure where it is he wants to go. He's sure there's another travel agency in Zanzibar; she's not so sure. He finally says they can stay, just as she's saying they can go. He stomps back inside. "It's like talking to a five-year-old," she comments as she follows him. "Come on, baby," she says, and it's not the nice kind of "baby." It's the pacifier kind. They continue to bicker right into the taxi. He tells her everything turns into an argument, she tells him to grow up... you get the picture. They're a great couple. "Your personality is absolutely irritating; I don't know where it came from," she says. It's a little late to be this surprised, since one place his personality came from is the last time he was on television, which she theoretically saw.
Mob Rule Travel Agency. The agent has good news at last -- something has just opened up that goes through Amsterdam and arrives in Warsaw at 9:45 AM. Not as good as the BQs got, but better than 11:25, certainly. Mirna and Charla and Danny and Oswald all get tickets and leave for the airport. The travel agency bolts the doors, grabs some tea, and talks for six solid hours about how obnoxious Mirna was. By evening, the neighborhood is leafleted with her picture, encouraging no one to allow her admittance.
Eric and Pink have, in fact, found another travel agency. They give the information about wanting to get to Warsaw. Everything they're looking at, however, is full. There isn't a lot of time for dallying, so they give up and head for the airport to use the flight that's already reserved. Sometimes, you just have to love the one you're with.
Mirna and Charla and Oswald and Danny get on their flight, and Mirna and Charla blow kisses to Zanzibar as they board. Zanzibar wipes its face off. Their flight takes off at 4:00. They're headed for Nairobi, then Amsterdam, then Warsaw. Eric and Pink are still at Zanzibar airport, where Pink is telling us that she and Eric are not getting along very well right now. He says she's touchy; she says she's not. He interviews that there's no handling her when she's like this, and that she just yells, which he doesn't like. She tells him that he's no fun to be around at all anymore. And then they look deeply into each other's eyes and start singing "Some Enchanted Evening." Okay, not really.
7:01 PM. Five pages into the recap, Team Guido finally opens their clue. They immediately realize that they can only hope to make the flight landing at 11:25, so they have to hustle to the airport. Bill insists in an interview that the field they're facing is "the best field in the history of The Amazing Race," which I don't consider true at all. This field isn't even as good as the field they dealt with the first time. And I don't want them to say that, lest "best of the best" mythology arise where it is not warranted. At any rate, they haul ass to the Zanzibar airport, because they barely have time to make the "bad" flight everybody else was trying to avoid.
At the airport, Eric and Pink are waiting for the flight to leave, and Eric is speculating that Guido has to be pretty nervous if they're not there by now. Just then, Team Guido does arrive and check in, and when Eric sees them coming, he pulls Pink over to hide in another area, prepared to jump out at the last minute. As Joe points out, these two teams running into each other is good for Guido; not so good for Eric and Pink. Pink interviews once again that she finds Team Guido annoying, and you can almost see their little ghostly heads floating above her, just rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. Joe and Bill discuss the fact that they have only a one-hour layover in Kilimanjaro to make their connection to Amsterdam, and then they're on to Warsaw. One hour is not a long time. Do you think I'm extra-smart for noticing? Their flight leaves. In Kilimanjaro, they go to pick up their tickets and find that it's too late to get on the flight. Both teams are told that they're not going to make it on the flight. This is not good news, to say the least.
What follows can, I think, only be attributed to the insanity of long-haul travel. They all begin to beg, because they can actually see the plane outside, not quite closed up yet. They beg the agent to radio the pilot and hold the plane. The agent actually jogs outside for them, at which point Joe yells "Andale!" and makes the entire thing into an episode of Seinfeld in which I think Joe is actually the Kramer, which is unexpected. They all wait at the door, very tense, trying to see what's going to happen. Unfortunately, when "the guy with the tie" (as Bill calls him, because it is his Kilimanjaro Airport Superhero Name) returns, he tells them that it's just not possible. Joe demands to know why it's impossible. In fact, Joe begins to just flat-out angrily insist that the guy "let us on the plane," at which point Bill realizes that he's lost it and starts trying to rein him in. "We're going to be stuck here in Kilimanjaro for God knows how long," Joe despairs. The highlight comes when Joe wanders outside alone and starts yelling at the plane and waving his arms. Seriously. Like, from the terminal. It's genius. He even shakes something... a watch or something, or a little bell. "I think he's lost it," Bill chuckles. Safe to say so, yes.
Back from commercials, we relive that great moment once again, but Joe eventually gives up and comes inside. "We have to be about three days behind the other teams now," Eric comments. Meanwhile, Joe is getting a talking-to. "I'm telling you right now, temper," Bill says. "I'm not proud of that." Wow. Bill went kind of disappointed-dad there. That was scary. But Joe understands. "Fine. I'm glad you're not proud of it," he mutters, because it's all he can think of. Poor Joe. Got just a little carried away there. Eric and Pink give an interview in which they get in touch with their sad feelings, and then the teams learn that the first flight out is at 6:00 AM, then share a van to a hotel. Once they get there, they have a discussion in which they all agree that they'll just meet up in the morning and go to the airport together. In spite of all their old trust issues, the teams shake hands and agree to meet at around 4:30. But not before Eric tells us how Bill and Joe are "nervous nellies." Interestingly, I don't think he means that as rude as it could be. I think that while "nellies" is... what it is, this particular thing may be something where if you didn't already know he said "old ladies" and so forth, you wouldn't notice it. At any rate, I assume the idea of this agreement is that it keeps everybody from having to stay up all night or sleep in the lobby or what have you.
Frankfurt. The BQs get off their flight. Uchenna and Joyce follow shortly thereafter, and they're sent to the Lufthansa transfer desk first, where the BQs already are. Uchenna and Joyce are told that they'd better head directly to the gate, so I assume time is a-wasting. Dustin and Kandice board the flight, but when Uchenna and Joyce get there, they are told that it's too late and they won't make the flight. They beg and plead, but there's no way. Instead, the BQs leave alone. Beauty is so isolating.
In the morning, the Guidos and Eric and Pink, who have all apparently abided by their agreement, buy their tickets on a 6:30 AM flight to Mombasa (in Kenya), then Frankfurt, and then they'll get to Warsaw, finally. At long last, the trailing teams board an actual flight. Pink is relieved just to be getting on a plane, where she will at least have a bag available to throw up in if Eric's personality becomes colorful.
Hey, Warsaw! Good to see you! You have colorful street performers, some of whom are wearing armor! Apparently in case of angry fans! At 9:07 AM, the BQs land at, as it happens, Frederic Chopin Airport. They hustle for a cab to the palace. They ask the driver to go quickly, and he tells them "I'm on it," and they choose to drop it. Because they're not assholes, Mirna. Dustin tells us that she's excited about the piano business, because she played piano herself since she was a kid, and she claims that she really liked Chopin. Which I think is kind of like when Clay Aiken tells the girls in every city that he likes the girls in that city the best, but there's nothing wrong with flattery, even if you're flattering a dead Polish composer. She says she'll pretend it's the real Chopin, just like "meeting Santa Claus." I'm not sure what's funny about meeting Santa Claus. I've met Santa Claus. Hello, I used to live near the Mall of America. What's her point?
At 9:22 AM, Mirna and Charla and Danny and Oswald land.
The BQs find the palace. They run through the gates and follow the sound of the piano to Fauxpin, who's playing on a lawn. They rip the clue, which is a Detour offering a choice between Perfect Angle and Perfect Pitch. In Perfect Pitch, you go three-quarters of a mile and choose a piano and a set of tools. You use the tools to tune a single key on the piano, and then once a pianist plays a little Chopin and tells you it's okay, then you're good to go and you get your clue. In Perfect Angle (which is inspired by Marie Curie), you go a half-mile to the Escada boutique and grab a mannequin. Wait, seriously, this will relate to Marie Curie in a minute. Okay, you carry your mannequin to a diagnostic lab and take X-rays of it, and if you take the X-ray at the correct angle, you'll see the words of the clue spelled out. That is definitely the most morbid Detour of all time, spotting the clue that's been implanted in a mannequin. It's like something from Medical Malpractice Illustrated. Dustin thinks she can get the piano in tune, so they choose that. They get back in their cab. Dustin explains that with her piano experience, she ought to be able to figure out the tuning with the help of the promised demonstration.
Charla and Mirna get a cab. Apparently determined to dance with Polish stereotypes like Solid Gold dancers, they decide to have a little "hilarious" "fun" at the driver's expense. "You like Polish hot dogs?" Charla asks. "You like Polish sausage?" Mirna asks. He doesn't answer. He doesn't smile. He doesn't find this funny. "He doesn't like us too much," one of them says. I'm sort of glad they stopped with the hot dogs and the sausage, if I'm being honest. It could have been worse. Oswald and Danny get a cab, and they're providing a little contrast as Oswald apologizes to the driver for speaking to him in English and presuming he spoke English. The guy assures Oswald it's fine. Somehow, that exchange worked better as an ice-breaker than "You like Polish hot dogs?" Europeans are so touchy. Go figure.
The BQs arrive at the palace and have their driver wait. Inside, they observe the demonstration, in which the tuner uses a sort of a stopper piece to isolate each of the three strings that go with each key, so he can see which one needs tuning. And then you use a sort of a wrench to turn the bolt (bolt? Probably not) and tighten or loosen the string. They find the bum key on their piano with no problem, and Dustin (I think) whispers, "This is going to be fun." Dustin uses the "wedge," as she calls it, to pick out the string, and then she's not sure whether to tighten or loosen.
Meanwhile, Mirna and Charla have earned a trip to the wrong place as a result of being bitches to their driver. At least that's the way I prefer to think of it. They stop a bunch of people on the street and demand to know where the palace is. No "please," no "excuse me," no "I'm sorry to bother you." Just a strange woman walking up saying, "Do you know where the Czapski Palace is?" Like you're just a character in a little play, and the play is about her, always.
Dustin works away at the piano tuning. When she's got it sounding pretty good, she calls over the pianist, who plays the Chopin piece. He declares it good enough, and he gives them their clue. The clue is a piece of music with a name on it, and Phil explains that the name corresponds to a nearby monument. They run off for their cab.
Elsewhere, Mirna stops someone in a security uniform and says she needs Czapski Palace. "No," he says. Of course, we don't even know that the guy speaks English, so it's a little presumptuous to assume he's blowing her off to be rude, but as you can imagine, that's just what Mirna thinks. In fact, she can't imagine what's wrong, and the possibility that there's a language issue doesn't really seem to register. In an interview, she basically says that people in Poland are rude and unhelpful, and nobody in America would understand, because we never have such people here. Note the way Mirna says to one guy in particular, "You know how to SPEAK? Can you TALK?" You can just see that while her attitude might not be the only root cause of people not helping, everything she's doing is making it less likely, not more likely, that anyone will go out of their way to get her where she needs to go. She's being incredibly demanding and entitled, which is not going to make her any friends in any country. She also bitches in her interview that she doesn't understand why people wouldn't "reach out to two young girls." I hate to break this to her, but Mirna is 30. Charla is 30, too. Neither of them is a "young girl" by any -- ANY -- definition that doesn't exist in a science fiction novel, and neither of them is so young that she should be pitied for her obviously infirm state. Mirna, of course, thinks that this is happening because Charla is a little person. It must be convenient to travel with Charla and therefore never have to admit that your team's worst handicap is your own presumptuous ass.
Charla and Mirna see Danny and Oswald's taxi go by. Danny and Oswald find Fauxpin, and they choose the piano, although Danny thinks maybe the mannequin would be easier. They get back with their driver, with whom they're striking up a little friendship. "How do you say 'three musketeers' in Polish?" they wonder. Hee. Finally, Charla and Mirna finally do something constructive and go to a hotel where the guy speaks English and is entirely helpful giving directions. According to Mirna's theory, he must not really be Polish. They must have shipped him in from America, where helpful strangers live.
The BQs find the monument, and the clue they pull tells them to hunt for the pit stop -- or so we're told. There's a Roadblock that's fairly obviously removed here, in that you can kind of tell that (1) the first clue box is right by a little rowboat, and (2) the clue box we then cut to is in a different place. So we kind of bend space and time, and then they put down their packs and go to find the mat. They find it, they run to it, and they are greeted by Phil. Hey, you're team number one! They celebrate, and Phil says they've won a trip for two to Puerto Rico. Free golf and spa! Rainforest tour! And the bioluminescent bay! Dustin waggles her fingers and mutters "glow in the dark" to let you know she totally knows what that means! Phil asks them yet again about their claim that they want to be the first "girl team" to win the show, and they say they just need to be consistent and focused. And, of course, they need to remember what "bioluminescent" means.
Uchenna and Joyce land in Warsaw at 11:02 AM, meaning that delay missing the flight cost them about two hours. They get a taxi, but they have trouble communicating with their driver from the very beginning, and things look grim.
Danny and Oswald reach the pianos. Danny immediately sits down and plays a bar or two of "Heart and Soul," and Oswald is shocked. He interviews that he had no idea Danny could play the piano, even after 13 years of friendship. They use the wedge to find the right string, but from there, it's very difficult. People always told me knowing "Heart and Soul" didn't make you a pianist, but I never believed it until now.
Mirna and Charla are at the clue box, and they read the Detour clue as "Perfect Angel or Perfect Pitch." It's too bad it's not "perfect angel," because if it were, they would have already done it, just by being themselves all day. They conclude that carrying the mannequin might be hard, so they're off to try the pianos, a concept Charla demonstrates by waggling her fingers to indicate piano playing. It reminds me that I really have nothing against Charla, with rare exceptions of the type found in almost anyone. Charla is not the problem. Frankly, they came very close to a Detour called "Perfect Angel or Perfect Bitch," which not only would have worked, but is a new series I'm pitching, and if you get in my way, I will cut you.
Danny twists the tuning tool way too hard and snaps the string clean in two. This means it has to be replaced, and that means a delay. "Maybe we should have carried a mannequin," Oswald admits good-naturedly.
Uchenna and Joyce have been brought somewhere, but it's not where they're supposed to be. They run inside this building and start hunting around. Joyce insists that she hears music, but when she opens a door, Uchenna can't help pointing out that she just opened door to a toilet. You can't make that up, folks. She heard the music of the potty. She continues to insist she hears music, so they keep looking. Uchenna really thinks they're in the wrong place, but Joyce is totally tuned out. What's dopey is that they're at a music school, so the fact that she can hear music doesn't really prove anything, you know? You can be at the airport and run around on the tarmac yelling, "I hear airplanes!" and it probably won't help you.
Charla and Mirna arrive at the pianos as Danny and Oswald are being restrung. My favorite part is that while they're watching the demonstration, Mirna decides that the wedge, used to isolate which string is off, is just for scraping randomly across the strings, like to clear off dust. Indeed, when Mirna starts working on the piano, she doesn't have a clue how to do it, because she didn't pay any attention. "One of these is probably loose," she says. "Why don't we just turn them all?" Oh, Mirna. Why indeed? If I'm understanding this task correctly and the demonstration correctly (which I might not be), the reason not to turn them all is that you're being asked to tune one string to be the same as two other reference strings. If you turn them all, then all three strings are not in tune, and you don't even have a point of reference anymore. For that reason, I suspect that Mirna and Charla are doomed as soon as they (1) don't figure out that you need to isolate the string using the wedge, and (2) decide to turn all the strings. I'm not sure there's any coming back from that combination of mistakes.
Uchenna and Joyce learn that they are indeed in the wrong place. They get back in their cab.
Charla and Mirna have, as you'd think based on their technique, managed to make their piano key sound worse, not better. Nevertheless, they call the pianist over, even with the key sounding completely, utterly horrible. ("Sounds good to me!" Mirna offers gamely, like she's tasting the beef-ladyfinger trifle on Friends.) He sits down to give it a try, but he gives the big head-shake. They try to force him to come back, with Mirna insisting "that noise was pretty," but when he starts again, he just stops, same as before.
Uchenna and Joyce find Fauxpin. Joyce also reads "angle" as "angel." Either way, they go with the piano. On the way to the Detour, Uchenna mentions that they don't really have any idea where the other teams might be, and they haven't seen anyone for almost 24 hours.
Danny and Oswald break another string. Ay, dios mio! Oswald wonders if they should give up. Mirna wonders whether they should quit, too. Neither team wants to leave, but both are incredibly frustrated.
When we get back from commercials, we see that little sequence again, and then Charla tells Mirna that their key "sounds like an ambulance is coming." Hee. Meanwhile, Danny and Oswald finally get theirs to a point where... okay, it's not in tune, but it's way more in tune. They did the right steps; they just didn't maybe do them exactly the right amount. When the guy plays it, it's... pretty out of tune, really, but he gives them the clue. They're ecstatic, and they smother the pianist with hugs. "If I were in town, I would ask for your number," Oswald says. And he would, too, he's not just saying that. "Good job, guys," Charla offers, and Danny encourages her to "stick to it." Outside, Danny and Oswald happily rejoin their driver. "We missed you!" they tell him. In the cab, they agree that the piano player was cute. Or, as Danny puts it, "eye candy."
Mirna and Charla decide to give up on the pianos. I think the problem is that they didn't carefully watch the demonstration, which is sort of consistent with their manic style of racing. All of Mirna's energy is directed outward, so it's hard for her to absorb what other people are saying. They get a cab for the Escada boutique, fretting about other teams catching up. Speaking of which, Uchenna and Joyce are getting to the pianos. Mirna complains in her cab about having to do this task, given the bad experiences they're having talking to people on the street. They get to the Escada boutique and choose a mannequin, although they can't figure out why all the mannequins are men. Apparently, "sex sells" means to them that they'd catch more flies with a naked lady? Whatever. They carry the mannequin out into the street, and now they're crazy, obnoxious Americans carrying a mannequin, which makes them even less approachable. When they get outside, they talk to a policeman, and then there's a cut, and there's him saying "no," but it's rather difficult to tell what actually happened. "Anybody speak English?" Mirna hollers. I can't imagine why that's not working. They finally put down their mannequin, and Mirna says she doesn't want to be around "these people," because they're so mean.
Danny and Oswald arrive at the monument, read the clue, and find their way to the mat. Welcome! You are team number two. They're so happy that they have to hug each other.
Mirna continues yelling for an English speaker, and a young woman eventually steps forward. She knows where the lab they need is located, and she agrees to go along. Mirna decides to carry the mannequin on her back, which causes his leg to break inside his jeans, making him look like they picked him up at an accident reconstruction. And then a hand falls off. Finally, they arrive at their destination, just as their mannequin's case of leprosy worsens. They get inside and lay Resusci-Andy on the table. Mirna shoos Charla out of the room as Charla is trying to -- I'm not kidding -- cover the mannequin's delicate reproductive organs with a radiation-proof apron. Because if they don't, he might lose the ability to have Fisher-Price dolls someday.
Uchenna and Joyce are done with the piano. They get their clue. In the cab, they agree that this was just about the first thing to go quickly all day.
Mirna and Charla are trying to get their clue from the X-ray, but it's the wrong angle, so all they're seeing are tweezers and scissors. Which are... inside the mannequin? Yes, I guess they are. I'm not sure whether he just got really hungry, or whether his surgery was incompetently performed. Finally, Charla has the idea of turning him sideways for the X-ray.
Uchenna and Joyce find the monument, then they find Phil. Welcome, Uchenna and Joyce, you are team number three.
Mirna and Charla finally manage to decipher the clue from the X-ray. They leave and get a cab. And then we are with them as Mirna complains that it doesn't seem like anyone could have had a worse day.
Ironic cut! Here are Eric and Pink and Team Guido in Frankfurt, looking to connect to Warsaw. Needless to say, they have had a much worse day. Joe essentially says "this sucks" as they all get on the plane. He's more articulate, but the point is there.
Mirna and Charla. The clue. The mat. Phil. Welcome, you are team number four.
Finally, the two trailing teams make it to Warsaw, where Eric notes that they're running just about 12 hours behind schedule.
Hey, guess what! The BQs are starting the leg, as of 10:54 PM. The clue tells them that they're headed for the concentration camp at Auschwitz. Phil explains, as a sad violin plays, that this is... well, that it is what it is. It's Auschwitz. And you have to find a monument to the resistance movement first, where you'll get a ticket on one of two charters that are four hours apart, and those charter buses will take them to Auschwitz. The BQs reach the conclusion that this "is gonna be sad." Yeah. I think it's safe to say this will be the non-hilarity-filled portion of the recap.
Team Guido gets a cab in Warsaw before Eric and Pink, so Eric and Pink follow.
The BQs are looking, presumably, for the monument they seek. When they get there, they get the bad news that the first charter doesn't leave until 1:00 PM. Therefore, they are losing about 12 hours right here. They're getting screwed, and then they're getting on a bus. That's not a good night.
Eric and Pink and Team Guido both babble about their stress levels as they approach the castle. The teams are neck and neck! "This is nuts," Pink tells us.
When we get back from commercials, Eric and Pink and Team Guido are... still in nearly a tie. When they finally arrive at the palace, they all run toward Fauxpin, who is -- seriously -- still out on the lawn playing the piano in the middle of the stinking night. The pianist is getting overtime. They pull the Detour clue, and Bill and Joe choose the mannequin, while Eric and Pink choose the piano. Finally, Fauxpin gets to go to bed. Poor thing. The teams head for their various Detour options. Eric and Pink arrive quickly at the palace and observe the tuner giving his demonstration. Bill and Joe spot the Escada boutique and run inside. Joe instructs Bill to select the "hunkiest" mannequin, of all the... identical plastic men. On the other hand, who among us hasn't done that, really? Bill carries him -- the mannequin, not Joe -- as they head out the door. They head off on a quick walk to the lab, while at the piano thing, Eric and Pink make their first unsuccessful attempt at tuning and checking their key. At the lab, Joe tells Bill to feel the mannequin all over, including the pecs, which are "kind of like yours now." You know, I'm not sure "you feel just like this plastic thing" is typically considered a high compliment. Eric fiddles with the piano again, and while it's getting closer, and I'm not sure it's not almost as close as Danny and Oswald's was, they don't get a pass. Bill and Joe's first X-ray comes back negative for clues. Eric now is making the piano key worse, so at least they know what direction to go.
1:06 AM. Danny and Oswald, setting out on the leg. When they've read the Auschwitz clue and are walking with their heads down, Oswald says that he thinks that this is going to be "incredibly difficult." "It's going to be a very emotional day," Danny agrees. They reach the bus thing and learn that they're not leaving until 1:00 PM.
Piano place. As Pink watches the demonstration again, Eric snaps a string on the piano. "How'd you break a string?" Pink asks him. "'Cause I was tightening it," he says helpfully. Joe and Bill prop up their mannequin to get a sideways X-ray. Eric and Pink are starting to wonder whether they need to change Detours. Their string gets fixed. Guido flips over the mannequin to the other side. Eric fiddles with the string. Guido finds nothing. Eric and Pink's pianist gives them the clue, and they leave. In the cab, Eric just hopes that it took Team Guido even longer. Meanwhile, Team Guido finally finds the clue in the X-ray. Thank goodness. They get going. Fortunately, their cab driver knows the way.
Teams! Driving! Is this it? Is this it? The first to the clue box... is Eric and Pink. Welcome, Eric and Pink, you are team number five. Phil asks them if they're losing confidence, and Eric says they don't feel bad about their performance, but they need to catch up if they're going to make progress.
Bill and Joe find the monument, although it takes them a little time to even track down the clue box.
2:26 AM. Uchenna and Joyce leave. Uchenna interviews that this will be "very poignant."
Finally, Bill and Joe get the clue. They head for the mat. "We had a good time," Joe says, anticipating the worst. "We did our best," says Bill. Phil tells them that they are the last team to arrive. That is the bad news. The good news is that... they are not eliminated. Although they are now "marked for elimination," have to come in first or serve a penalty... you know the drill. Joe gives Phil a smooch on the cheek for this good news. Phil encourages Joe to "kiss [Bill] instead," which Joe does. Hey, Joe's approach is very military. Phil tells him to kiss Bill, and he kisses Bill. Phil tells them that they'll have to work hard to escape the back of the pack. Joe interviews that it's not easy to make up 12 or 14 hours -- they know this from their first race, when they were behind by even more than that. Ouch. They do not want that edit again.
So that concludes your first half.
4:50 AM. Charla and Mirna open their clue. They, too, immediately deduce that going to Auschwitz is going to be pretty rough. On this, we all agree.
Uchenna and Joyce find tickets for the first charter bus, so they're pretty happy about that. When Charla and Mirna get there, they learn that they're on bus two. Meaning that Charla and Mirna, who started this leg way ahead, have already squandered the entirety of their lead and will be tied with Guido. "Hopefully, we'll catch up with everybody soon," Mirna says.
The day at 1:00 PM, the BQs, Danny and Oswald, and Uchenna and Joyce are heading for the bus. They hop on and roll away from the curb. On the bus, these teams are feeling pretty good about their four-hour lead, and about the fact that Mirna and Eric are not on their bus. The last part is inferred.
At 1:50 PM, Eric and Pink leave. And yes, that means they were doing the Detour in seriously the middle of the night, which further suggests to me that the field producers (or whoever) were well aware that this had gotten screwed up to a fare-thee-well, and were desperately trying to avoid putting anybody an entire day behind, which is also why the front teams had to wait so damn long for their bus. Eric complains to us in an interview that Pink isn't as "focused" as he'd like. I'm sure she feels very bad about that. He calls himself "a very intense person," which is, as we know, reality-show for "jerkweed." They pull their 5:00 PM tickets. She wants to have a cup of coffee while they're waiting, but he instructs her that they're not going to spend the money on it. Apparently, he is the keeper of the money, and she gets nothing unless he gives it to her. He explains to us that he doesn't treat her like a girlfriend in this context, but like a partner. God forbid you should confuse those two things at the wrong moment. You might wind up kissing a boy! As they lounge around in a lobby, she tells him she doesn't think he should make her feel guilty about a simple cup of coffee. He tells her they "have a budget." He interviews that "two dollars makes a difference," but back in their conversation, she tells him that if they're ever short two dollars, she'll beg for two dollars to make up for the coffee. She might have just... begged for the two dollars now, you know? He tells her to shut up, but she isn't happy about "being ignored." She interviews that she doesn't like having to argue every tiny point with him, and then she tells him that he's making things "more miserable" than necessary. "You make it so unenjoyable," she says. That's what you want in a boyfriend, I think. They go back and forth with him saying "shut up" and her saying "grow up," and I just don't think I've ever seen two kids so much in love, you know?
3:32 PM. Bill and Joe. So much for the razor-thin margin of victory that was suggested at the last leg's end. I have to say, it's quite a coincidence that Bill and Joe have a barely adequate amount of time to assure they get on the second one of those two buses. It could barely have turned out better if this had been designed to make up for bad race planning that had spread the teams out preposterously. They explain again about the "marked for elimination" thing, and as they approach the area where the bus tickets are, we see interviews in which they explain that they'd like to bump off Eric and Danielle. Bill fatefully interviews that Eric and Pink may not have the "brain power" necessary for racing, and this is of course interspersed with footage of him and Joe wandering around unable to find the ticket dispenser. They wander for a while, asking various people for help, but they don't see it for quite a while. And then, of course, they do, and they feel dumb, as they... sort of have a right to. Bill laughs as Joe just mutters, "Son of a bitch."
At 5:00 PM, Bill and Joe board the bus. They are joined by Charla and Mirna and Eric and Pink. Mirna gives a little talk about facing Auschwitz in order to learn from the past and so forth. WHAT? They are going to Auschwitz. I'm only human, people.
The first bus, meanwhile, pulls up at Auschwitz. The sad music is playing. The teams arrive and make their way to a stack of clues (no tacky box with flag) that's near some flickering candles on the ground. They open a tied letter (not a clue envelope) that explains that one million people were exterminated just here, just at this one place. The cameras wander between two buildings. "It remains standing as a tribute to the people who perished," Oswald says, and then his voice breaks. "... within its walls, and to man's ultimate triumph over evil," he finishes. And I certainly hope that triumph actually happens. The letter directs the teams to take a traditional memorial candle to the railroad tracks and leave it. Dustin explains that just being near the tracks brought to mind the trains arriving, filled with people. Uchenna makes a very nice point by talking about books never written, ideas never explored, relationships never entered into... in other words, not just the violence, but the waste of humanity that resulted. He says he thinks it's a good thing that they've left the camp here, because it might help people not to forget what happened. And really, that's why I don't have a problem with them using it on the show, as respectfully as they can. It's not like we're at a point where we can say, "Oh, we've learned all we can from that; we don't need reminders anymore." There are still plenty of hateful bigots out there, and the slope is slippery still, and twenty years before Auschwitz happened, I doubt many people in Germany thought that would ever happen there, either.
The teams exit in taxis, as Uchenna talks about how this makes him think about what's important. Oswald is sort of stunned and shaken, talking about how he grew up in a very repressive country "deprived of any freedom." He says that he was reminded how differently the rest of his life could have gone. He says it makes him very glad to be gone from Cuba. "Where I don't have to worry about... expressing who I am as a person." Danny puts an arm around him. You want to know how messed up the world is? Of all the people on this race, Oswald is sitting here being grateful just to be able to express who he is. Who Oswald is. This person of such grace and kindness and peace and good humor, and out of all these people, there's a good chance that he's among the most likely to be punished for what his heart contains, both in the past and now. There are people, still, who would look at Oswald and say, "This is what's wrong with the world. This is what's eroding my society, what's threatening my family, what God abhors, what must be stopped if my way of life is to survive." Not meanness, not greed, not violence or small-mindedness or any of that. Just... Oswald, you know? I'm sorry, I try to be respectful, but I will never get it.
Deep breath.
Phil explains that the teams are now traveling 40 miles by taxi to Juliusz Slowacki Theatre, where they will find another clue. In a blink, the teams are arriving. Specifically, Oswald and Danny and Uchenna and Joyce are nearby, while Dustin and Kandice's driver is asking someone for help. They wind up switching cabs, losing confidence in the driver they had. Their new driver seems better, and they're glad they weren't stuck racing for last place.
But the news for the BQs is not good, because Danny and Oswald and Joyce and Uchenna are reaching a clue box that says, "Intersection." I hate Intersection, dude, and not just because it involves sharing. If you recall, the Intersection requires you to hook up with another team, which means that another team has to be there. You then complete the task with that team. The two lead teams decide to go for the Fast Forward, which gets rid of that opportunity for Guido to get past the non-elimination penalty. The Fast Forward requires them to climb the stairs in two towers, add the number of steps together, and give their answer. They're off to climb stairs. And in the cab, Uchenna talks about the fact that the BQs are completely hosed, because they're going to have to wait for another team to work with, meaning they have to wait for the bus that's four hours behind. So the BQs just lost a very, very big lead waiting for the bus they were on, and now they're losing four hours to the Intersection. I just don't like how this leg is designed at all.
The BQs reach the clue box, and as soon as they see "Intersection," they realize that they are completely screwed. They grin at each other as Kandice says, "This tooootally stinks." It does indeed. They realize that they're going to have to wait and wind up tied with the trailing teams. "Oh, dang," Dustin says. You know, they should really watch their language. They're supposed to be role models. I am so calling the FCC.
After a set of commercials, we return to find Oswald and Danny and Uchenna and Joyce still on the way to the Fast Forward. When they get there, they realize that they have plenty of time to climb the stairs, because the BQs are sitting around for several hours waiting for everybody else. Back at the Intersection clue, the BQs are speculating that it's going to be several hours anyway before anybody else shows up. The Fast Forward teams start climbing and counting. Joyce tells Uchenna he needs to count to himself. Heh. We cut back to the BQs, who remind us that they actually were the third team at the Intersection last time, too. But this wait is going to be a lot longer, where last time, it was mostly about teaming up with someone you didn't like. Elsewhere, the members of the climbing teams all count 111 steps in the first tower. They go over and start up the second tower. The BQs speculate about whether the front teams took the FF, and they're figuring they must have, since it doesn't look hard. I really dig the way they're just hanging out, not complaining, assessing the situation, able to discuss the suck of their circumstances without wallowing.
At the top of the second set of stairs, it turns out that Uchenna and Oswald have the same number for that set, but Danny has a different number, and Joyce has still a different number. Uchenna and Oswald decide to commit to the number they came up with, and indeed, it turns out to be the right one. The guard who hands over their clue is kind of cute, but I guess Oswald only gets one charming local per episode. The clue directs these two teams to drive to the pit stop. Said pit stop is located at Pieskowa Skala Castle. They leave happily in the marked car they find, and the two teams decide to follow each other.
In more somber events, Team Guido, Charla and Mirna, and Eric and Pink are just arriving at Auschwitz. Joe and Bill choke up as they read the letter. Bill interviews that he and Joe have seen Auschwitz in pictures, but not in person. As Joe crosses himself, Bill voices over that you just can't understand what it's like to be there until you're there, which I'm sure is true. "I felt the weight of all those souls," he says. Again, Bill? Clearly a scourge on society. Eric interviews with an appropriate level of embarrassment that being at Auschwitz made a lot of petty fights seem really... petty. "I can't imagine what people must have experienced in this horrible place," Mirna says, clearly moved. Mirna goes on to explain that her family is Armenian, and four million Armenians were massacred by the Turks. (The numbers -- which are kind of irrelevant -- vary a little, but this is certainly a very real and less-known story. More here.) This is, in a way, even more poignant because in a famous speech the gist of which is generally agreed to be for real, Hitler spoke of his plans to invade Poland and exterminate Polish people, stating: "Accordingly, I have placed my death-head formation in readiness -- for the present only in the East -- with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall we gain the living space which we need. Who, after all, speaks to-day of the annihilation of the Armenians?" It certainly makes it sound as though his conviction that this situation had been forgotten emboldened him, which... this is why it's not so bad to go back and look, even if you think you haven't forgotten.
At any rate, Mirna explains how personal this is, and how close her family ties to it are, which I'm sure is quite true. Eric comments as he leaves that this "makes you grateful for what you have." It will just hurt your heart to see how similar Bill's reaction is to Oswald's, in that he says that it made him realize how recently in history he could have been killed for being... himself, basically. I can't imagine how creepy that would be. I really can't. During the lifetimes of people who are still alive, people like me were killed for existing. It's hard to simulate that feeling if it doesn't come to you naturally, as it doesn't to me.
Elsewhere, Uchenna, on the way to the pit stop, still has his mind on Auschwitz. "It still has me kind of freaked," he admits. "One of these days, we're going to get it," he says. "Hopefully, we'll get it before we all destroy each other." "It's definitely going to happen one day," Joyce replies, and... I really hope she means the "getting it" part.
Charla and Mirna are on their way to the theater, and they're struck by how incredibly foggy it still is. Eric talks about how they have to make sure Team Guido doesn't come out ahead by half an hour. Joe and Bill, still clearly shaken up, talk about doing their best and seeing how it goes.
Oswald and Danny and Uchenna and Joyce park their cars and head for the pit stop together. In fact, they're so together that they "1,2,3" onto the mat. They are tied for team number one. Phil explains that he has only one prize to give away. Danny and Oswald immediately say they'll give up the prize. Well, it makes sense, because Uchenna and Joyce only won a million dollars, so why would they share? They certainly have no reason to give anything up. Phil tells Uchenna and Joyce that they've won a trip to St. Lucia. Fishing! Sailing! A lavish room! They thank Danny and Oswald for bestowing the trip upon them. Oswald assures them that he won't be handing over the money. He'd better stick to that.
At the Intersection, the BQs are discussing their situation. They voice over that they thought about what team they wanted to work with, and in order, the teams were Team Guido, Eric and Pink, and Charla and Mirna. In fact, they hide in a little booth as they become aware of teams approaching, because they're considering taking their time and trying to pick who they want to work with. In other words, they've been waiting four hours and they might be willing to wait longer if it means they don't have to do a Detour with Charla and Mirna. The first team they see pull up and hop out of the taxi is... Charla and Mirna. The BQs share with you their scandalous thoughts of "shoot" and "dang it," before lighting up a clove cigarette and enjoying some O'Doul's. They give it a minute to see if anyone else is right behind, but ultimately, they decide to head out and grab Charla and Mirna so they can get going, preferences be damned.
Phil explains that the task is a Detour between two tasks involving food, so the pairs of teams have to choose between Eat It Up and Roll It Out. In Eat It Up, you go to a market, and each person on your team has to form a three-inch sausage link. When they're done, each person will have to eat two feet of cooked sausage, which is... quite a lot. Not four pounds, probably, but quite a lot. In Roll It Out, you head for the old Jewish quarter, where you find a bakery and roll out 20 bagels, which you then deliver a quarter of a mile. So really, the choice is between eating and rolling. Kandice tells Charla and Mirna that they think the sausage will be good, because they can all eat. This surprised me a little, because... why not just go roll the bagels? Rather than cope with something that might make you sick, and might even leave you at less than 100 percent during the leg? Mirna hesitates, saying she's not a great volume eater. But the one time I wish she'd be more stubborn, she backs down, saying she'll do whatever they want, and the BQs want to do the sausage. So, sausage it is. They run off and hop in cabs.
Eric and Pink and Team Guido meet up at the Intersection. Team Guido leans toward sausage, but Pink isn't sure she can eat that much, so they decide to go with the bagels. In the cab, Eric explains that this is a pretty good deal, because they're sticking with Guido, and Guido can't beat them by half an hour if they're together the whole time. It's a good point, and sad for Team Guido, and why putting this after a non-elimination seems a little bit stupid to me.
Charla and Mirna and the BQs find the market where the sausage is. Inside, Mirna seems to be going for suggestive humor, saying that the sausage is really something, coming right on the heels of the naked mannequin. Heh. Work the sausage, Mirna! Work the sausage! Elsewhere, a Star of David informs us that we are in the Jewish quarter with Guido and Eric and Pink, hunting for the bagel task. Unfortunately, when they all bail out of the cab, they're having no luck finding what they're looking for. Eric explains that the drivers didn't really come from Krakow; they came from near Auschwitz, so they didn't really know where they were going. I have to think that for this, stopping long enough to get an address would have been smarter than hoping the cab driver would know the way.
The BQs and Charla and Mirna work on their sausages, with everyone in apparent good humor. I'm sure it won't last, but it's nice to see teams getting along. Sausages bring all the girls to the yard.
When the driver with Eric and Pink and Team Guido isn't able to get any information about where the bakery is, they start to worry. Tense! Tense! What will happen?
Back from commercials. Team Guido and Eric and Pink are frustrated enough about not finding the bagels that they decide to switch and find the sausages. They find a guy who says, "Go somewheres there." Which is my favorite set of directions that has ever been provided to a racing team, I think. I'm going to start saying "Go somewheres there" whenever people ask me by email how to get on this show, which happens surprisingly frequently.
The Ladies' Foursome turns in their sausages that they've made, and they sit down to eat. Mirna would like to "say a quick prayer." Dustin, not wanting to sit through a lengthy recitation of dead relatives, takes charge of the prayer, coming up with a quick and efficient "we thank you for this food" kind of prayer, more like grace. My favorite part is where she prays for the sausage to taste great. And, I'm sure, be less filling. Who says religion can't settle age-old questions? And then they are each brought a plate with two feet of sausage on it. "It's so much bigger than I ever thought!" Mirna despairs. And you're kind of going to have to not plan on commenting upon every sausage double entendre that comes to mind, or we'll never get out of here, seriously. You're just going to have to watch these (at the moment) women talking amongst themselves about how hard it is to choke down these big, giant, powerful sausages, and you're going to have to remain dignified. They all start eating. Dustin mentions that at least the other teams aren't here, which is the cue, of course, for the other teams to arrive outside. "How's the sausage?" Eric asks. "Tastes like poop!" Mirna insists, and once again, she's in her feisty-old-lady mode. The women all push themselves to eat faster. As she waits, Pink comments that she's a bit concerned about getting the sausage down her throat. Mirna, always supportive, quizzes Charla on why she's so slow, and Charla doesn't have much of an answer. Mirna lets out a mighty belch. Like, the kind of belch that makes the room smelly. Dustin and Kandice laugh to each other in a way not designed to make Mirna feel bad, which makes them better people than I am.
The other foursome is prepared to turn in their sausages for inspection. Their sausages pass, so they're ready for the eating phase. So now, everybody's eating. As Mirna orders Charla to concentrate, the BQs voice over that it's kind of amusing to listen to Mirna and Charla "bark at each other."
Eating ensues. People begin to look a little ill. And then they look a little more ill. Stomachs are clenched. Joe is the first to finish. Kandice then finishes, and she wants the plate taken away as soon as possible. More eating. More eating. Dustin finishes, and she has her plate taken away as well. For a minute, she looks relieved, and then... she turns and tosses two feet of sausage into the bucket to her. And then, with divine, perfect timing, Eric hauls out his cheerful announcer voice and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss California!" Definitely Eric's greatest moment ever. This gets a big laugh from everyone, and a very good-sported acknowledging wave of the hand from Dustin.
So now, Dustin and Kandice are waiting on Charla and Mirna. Mirna finishes, and they're all waiting on Charla. Charla decides to try to make herself throw up by shoving a knife down her throat. Kandice recoils in comic horror. Just another one of those Charla-based "don't see that every day" moments. Charla makes very loud gagging noises, but it doesn't appear that she actually has any luck emptying her belly. Pink covers her ears, because the gagging will totally make her gag, and she knows it. Bill, too, covers his ears and hums. Hee hee. Finally, Charla tosses up some stuff. "Thank God," she says, with... on her lips, there's... okay, now I'm going to put my fingers in my ears and hum. Bill finishes, so now he and Joe are waiting on Eric and Pink while Dustin and Kandice and Mirna wait on Charla. Don't you wish that Intersection had gone differently? I know I do. In the end, Eric and Pink and Joe and Bill get to leave slightly ahead, reading a clue that releases the teams from their bond and sends them to a nearby parking lot, where they can pick a car and drive themselves to Skala. Eric and Pink go outside and start talking to their taxi driver about taking them.
Inside, Charla is finally done, so the Ladies' Foursome is on its way. As they're heading out, Eric finally notices that they're supposed to drive themselves, so they've basically lost the advantage they had over Charla and Mirna and the BQs, who are heading straight for the parking lot the way they're supposed to. As usual, the BQs line up a taxi to lead them. Mirna is busy complaining that she's going to throw up and she has to drive. "I'm going to die, I feel like," Charla says. As Bill and Joe reach the parked cars, they hear a terrible noise, and one of them remarks, "That must be Mirna trying to start a car." Ha! Because... it is. Mirna is getting all flustered and upset, because the brake is set in her car, and she can't figure out how to release it. Team Guido and Eric and Pink take off, and Mirna begins to freak out over her inability to get the brake released. She jumps out of the car and yells, "Mr. Taxicab, come!" The driver comes over and takes the brake off for her. As Mirna finally leaves, Charla urges her to go slowly, but Mirna stalls the car. Which, of course, she takes out on Charla, ordering Charla not to "tell [her] how to drive anymore."
The BQs feel good about following the cab, while Joe and Bill are trying to figure out where they can stop and ask directions. Mirna is working with a cab driver, I guess, and he stops, so she starts yelling at him out the window, showing him the clue and hectoring him for being too slow. Two drivers seem to be going, so she starts honking her horn and insisting that she only wants one. The BQs are glad they got away first, and Team Guido is glad there's a gas station where they can stop for directions. Eric and Pink are asking for directions on the street from... some poor lady. Mirna's cab drivers stop again, and she yells about how she needs one taxi, and she's in such a hurry. Team Guido gets their directions. We are reaching the cut-cut-cut portion of the show, so I hope you're hanging on to the handrails. Eric and Pink find a taxi to follow them, but Mirna's driver wants "one hundred." Without even asking what kind of money he's talking about, she starts yelling angrily about how she doesn't have a hundred dollars. In the Team Guido car, Joe talks about how important it is to beat somebody by at least 30 minutes. "The one thing we know is that Mirna can't drive worth a damn," Joe says. Ha! Meanwhile, Mirna also can't make friends with service people worth a damn, as she is now hollering at the driver, "You think I'm made of money? I'm a young girl! I don't have a hundred dollars!" Oh my God, SHUT UP about being a "young girl"! God! "You think I'm a millionaire?" she continues angrily. "Listen!" she orders, but the driver walks away from her. It's really hard to understand why what she's doing isn't working. Why wouldn't this man want to help her? He's so mean and Polish! Now Mirna decides to try either fake or real tears, and I'm not sure which is more pathetic in this situation. "Have a little bit of sympathy as a human being!" she yells. "We are here at two in the morning! You can show me, my friend!" Mirna's driver hates her, and basically waves his arm and tells her to go fuck herself. For once, somebody did. "Just show me please, my friend, I'm begging you!" She never says "please" until it's too late, you know? He walks off.
But of course, when we return from the commercials, he's still there, because commercials undo everything that appears to be happening before they come on. "I'm crying, and he's laughing!" Mirna says, shocked. I'd certainly be laughing. She calls him back to the car and starts negotiating the price. They finally agree, and he agrees to lead her there. "God, help me get out of this country," Mirna snots, and the entirety of Poland has the same exact prayer, interestingly enough.
The BQs are in Skala, and they're being followed by Team Guido. Meanwhile, Eric and Pink's driver is done leading them, and is going to make them go the rest of the way on their own, although he shows them the way on a map. They pay him off; he leaves. In Mirna and Charla's car, Mirna is complaining about the lack of signs and other people. Their driver stops. "Give me the clue," Mirna says, reaching her hand back between the seats. Charla has to dig for it a minute. As she produces it, Mirna snots, "I'm doing everything. Can you at least hold on to the clue?" Mirna confers with their driver, and then he gets back in the leading car. Mirna goes right back to yelling at Charla. "What are you doing in the back seat? You're not looking at the map, you're not holding the clue. What are you doing, Charla? What are you doing?" Charla has clearly seen Mirna in this mode before, so she pays little attention, but just offers no reaction, just bland agreement. "I'm doing nothing," Charla says indulgently. "Am I supposed to do everything?" Mirna complains. "No," Charla answers. "You're just supposed to yell at me." You know, I think Charla only doesn't like Mirna because Charla is prejudiced against little people like Charla. I'm sure that's it. Mirna decides to start in on a full assault about how she does all the driving and "all the Roadblocks." "You're doing everything, you're right, you're doing everything," Charla repeats, bored. She does know how to play the game, though. "Just hold the clue and please don't lose the clue," Mirna orders. "Can you yell a little more on me? Is it not enough?" Charla asks. And even though her sentence structure fell apart a little there, what she's saying is music to my ears.
The BQs are pretty sure they're on the right track. Team Guido, too. The first of these teams to arrive at the clue box is the BQs. "Who wants to be a knight in shining armor?" the clue asks. Because indeed, it is a Roadblock. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, one person will become a medieval knight by putting on a suit of armor and leading a horse a half a mile to a castle. There, they'll hand off their horse to a stable boy, enter the courtyard, and find the pit stop. I have to admit, any Roadblock with "stable boy" in it sounds pretty dirty to me. It's like having a Detour with "cable guy" in it. It just screams for a saxophone on the soundtrack. Dustin takes the Roadblock for the BQs. "I thought my heels at home were pointy," she remarks.
Sure enough, here come Eric and Pink. Welcome, you are team number five.
So now, Team Guido is checked in, and they're eliminated. Bill, still in armor, talks about how much fun they had together, and swears that his tears are happy. Joe interviews that they're proud of what they achieved, and it was life-altering again. "I've had a knight in shining armor for 20 years now," Bill says, and he reaches over and gives Joe a smooch. That is so cute. Joe talks about how they've surrounded themselves with happiness, just like you're meant to, and they feel great about that. As with Teri and Ian, nice people. And good for them for matching their race behavior a little better to what they're like the rest of the time.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Eric and Mirna fight. Oswald and Danny bicker. Only one of those has the potential to be awesome.