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From the non-pit-stop in Red Square, teams head to Germany, where they take a ride in a fast car and complete an absolutely pitifully stupid Travelocity-based Roadblock that insults everyone's dignity by requiring them to carry around Travelocity gnomes for the remainder of the leg. STUPID. From there, it's off to a Detour involving dancing and breaking bottles, which might be more entertaining if the people who chose the dancing were actually required to do the dancing correctly before moving on, which they totally are not. STUPID. As a result of getting lost while driving around Germany, Desiree and Wanda are in the back of the pack by the time they get to the Roadblock, where Desiree rather surprisingly chokes. Keeping her mother calm, indeed. They come close to catching up to a flagging Danielle and Dani, but it is not to be, and the lovable mother and daughter are out. BJ and Tyler crank up the mugging to an even higher level, Eric and Jeremy are cruising to what frankly looks like assured victory at this point, Fran and Barry are still annoying and irritatingly lucky at every turn, and all in all, what began as a promising season is starting to drag. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on To Russia, With Phil: A non-zippy zip line led to a trip from Brazil to Moscow, where a giant pool full of damp Russians awaited. Wanda freaked out in the water, but she ultimately prevailed. The Detour forced teams to choose between the Bermuda Triangle Trolley Depot and the Where's Waldo Russian Doll Hunt. Eric and Jeremy got lucky (typical for them, hotcha!) and flew out of the doll Detour ahead of everyone. They were the first to follow the clue to Red Square, but when they got there, they learned that Phil was an a non-pit-stop Fake-It Mat. Lake and Michelle were hot on their heels, BJ and Tyler were within striking-with-a-rubber-chicken distance, and the MoJo/Nerd alliance and the Dani/Danielle and Wanda/Desiree Sisterhoods Of Traveling With Pants were starting to wash big trolley cars. Ultimately, the leg was to be continued, but now, it's definitely time for someone to be Philiminated. Can we make it three for three annoying teams?
Credits. I wonder if it bothers Lake that he's on right after that big elephant. I can't imagine that juxtaposition is accidental. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Dear Jennifer Tilly: You were kind of hot and funny in Bound. P.S. That was a long time ago.
We return to Moscow (helpfully captioned "Moscow, Russia" to distinguish it from "Moscow, Wisconsin," where they make fur-lined cheese-wedge hats), and everyone looks angry. This is pretty much Reagan's Moscow. We have hopped back a minute or two, as it turns out, because Eric and Jeremy are still running across Red Square, looking for the cathedral behind which they are to hunt for Phil. Lake and Michelle are doing the same, having unexpectedly surged in the leg. Lake is carrying both packs, while Michelle goes with the Flo. Lake yells "Ruuuun!" and "Woo!", but the team that runs up to the mat first is made up of your choads and mine: Eric and Jeremy. "Big Philly Style," et cetera. But the leg isn't over! Here's your clue! Go hang out for a while and meet some of Moscow's lovely ladies! They rip open the clue and find that it instructs them to fly to Frankfurt, Germany, which Phil explains is "more than 1,000 miles." They will then take a train another 100 miles to Stuttgart. There, they'll find what Phil tells us is the "flagship Mercedez-Benz factory," where there will be a clue box. "Okay," Eric says, "we've got to go to Frankfurt." "How do we get there?" Jeremy asks. "Airport," Eric replies. Jeremy quickly stashes his skateboard, pogo stick, and water wings.
Lake and Michelle arrive on the mat. When they learn that they're the second team there, they're very happy. But when they learn that it isn't a pit stop, they're not so happy. Michelle says what many people are convinced is "Shit," but which is captioned as "Shoot." I actually think it's a southern "Shoot," like "Sheeee-yooot," but I completely agree that it's ambiguous, which I think is why the captioning exists. And whatisa ballsy, anyway? They grab the Frankfurt clue and leave.
In the Cab Of Yutzes, Jeremy comments that Red Square would have been a "prime spot to be holding hands with the chicks." The 1970s pound on the window of the cab, rattling their gold chains, playing their Bee Gees records at high volume, and demanding their lingo back. Eric comments that with just the two of them, it wasn't very romantic, and I think he really underestimates the taste for romance to be found in many members of the viewing public. "Yeah, it was a little gay. It was a little gay," Jeremy says. Of course, the fact that to an active imagination, their experiences in Red Square were no gayer than the rest of their behavior seems to be unknown to him.
In Lake and Michelle's cab, on the other hand, she is downright giddy, telling him that no one else they know has run across Red Square. Which is probably true, since most people they know probably fear almost as much as Lake does being accosted by communist bacteria trying to obtain the greatest rate of infection for the greatest number. They're very happy about their strong position in the race, however, so that's something.
It seems to get lighter outside all of a sudden as we make our way back to Red Square to pick up Ray and Yolanda, who are running to the mat. They get the clue and hop in a cab. Ray comments that they really want to get out of town tonight, hoping they can get a lead over everybody else. That is one floppy red hat Yolanda is sporting. It's sort of from the "Yes, I Do Have A Cat In Here; What Are You Going To Do About It?" collection.
Speaking of other groups, here are Fran and Barry, still back at the Million Doll Detour. To no one's surprise, Fran is complaining. "I can't tell you how many I've opened here already," she says. "Just not our thing," Barry agrees. I bet that if they ever should find their thing, they'll be sure to tell you. How will they catch a break? Finally, Barry finds a clue, and they leave for Red Square.
Speaking of Red Square, BJ and Tyler are just getting there, but not before sharing a warm conversation about how bad they're going to feel if Fran and Barry are out. Approaching the mat, they make a giant leap onto it like…I don't know. Cartoon superheroes reimagined as salad-bar dorks, I guess. You know? How there's always the one guy who can make a bunch of fresh ingredients from the salad bar into something hilarious that you would never eat? Yeah, him. Anyway, they make a great show of thanking Phil for the clue and giving him a dollar. Not for any particular reason, it seems, except that it will make the camera stay on longer. When they inevitably take the dollar back from him, they say, "Don't waste this opportunity, Phil!" Given that this remark has absolutely nothing to do with what's happening on the show, they fairly obviously decided before leaving home that they would shoehorn in a No Opportunity Wasted shout-out for Phil, and it is unbelievable to me that this non sequitur is the best they could do. Like, the opportunity of a dollar? That they're returning? What? ["I did enjoy the way the shot was framed when the redhead -- Tyler? -- yoinked the dollar back from Phil. …Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day." -- Sars]
BJ and Tyler are standing just away from the mat as Fran and Barry approach, and Tyler acts all excited that Fran and Barry have arrived promptly and are thus "still in it," as he says. Of course, given that this was not a pit stop, they would still be in it even if they were last, nitwit. Way to pay attention to what just happened. Barry steps on the mat and announces, "Fran and Barry are here!", which makes me painfully nostalgic for "We're comin', Phil!" Which I hated at the time, but now miss every single season, because while it seemed shticky by the end, it was oddly effortless and clearly from the heart, and I miss that very much these days.
At any rate, Fran and Barry go into another of their I Can't Believe It's Not Us Being Eliminated routines, full of yelping, and BJ and Tyler give them hugs. Remember how I said I liked it when teams I like all like each other? I like this, too, when the opposite happens. No blurry lines! Everything black and white! Some teams good! Other teams evil! Hulk hate peaceniks and old people! In their cab, Barry refers to himself and Fran in the third person yet again, as BJ and Tyler discuss how "it's not over until the Phil sings." And if you want to see a nice piece of editing, there's a sign on top of a building that lights up to say "PHIL" just as this line is uttered. That is nicely done.
Trolley Detour. Danielle and Dani frantically scrub their trolley car, which I am just guessing is the first time they've taken on a task of this particular type. Wanda and Desiree strain to satisfy a picky inspector. Dave and Lori keep on scrubbing. Joseph and Monica think it "sucks." Finally, Wanda and Desiree finish and get their clue, and Wanda forcefully hugs the Russian trolley guy, giving him what would probably be the thrill of a lifetime, assuming his entire lifetime consists of overseeing trolley washing. Danielle and Dani finish .
Team Yutz arrives at the airport, and they ask for two tickets to Frankfurt. Lake and Michelle are close behind. When Lake and Michelle get there, however, they learn that the same flight that Yutz has just been ticketed on is closed to them. No way to get on. "Dadgummit," is all Lake has to say. One of the boys has to call the ticket agent "beautiful" before they leave to board their plane. I'm sure she's very excited, like, "Thanks, Gregory Pecs, we don't get nearly enough unctuous American douchebags around here." Their flight leaves at 7:05 PM, leaving an unhappy Lake and Michelle back at the airport.
Joseph and Monica finish up their trolley and get their clue. Dave and Lori finish at the same time. These two teams decide to share a cab to Red Square. Speaking of which, Desiree and Wanda and Danielle and Dani are all stepping on the mat together, so they either know they're not last or they know it's not a pit stop. Or they suffer from a lack of ambition at a level I do not wish to contemplate. They all get the clue for Frankfurt, and none seem at all surprised. They leave in cabs for the airport. Danielle, meanwhile, suggests stapling the fanny pack to her ass. Hey, she may have learned an unconventional version of "her lesson," but she seems to have learned it nevertheless. You make that a nice tight buckle instead of a staple, and she's onto something.
MoJo and Dave and Lori, in the last two spots, get out of their cab. Being the faster runners, MoJo gets to the mat first. It also looks like Dave and Lori screw up the navigation a little. Neither team seems particularly shocked when they get the news that the leg isn't over, including Dave and Lori, who leave the pit stop muttering, in her case, about "Phil, being his dramatic self." Heh. And they didn't even get the eyebrow or the incredibly drawn-out pause. For Phil, that was relatively straightforward. It's not until you've seen him be really cruel that you appreciate the moments in which he treats you well. Dave remarks that they're not too happy about being last "to arrive at the psych-you-out pit stop." They get a cab for the airport.
Lake and Michelle find their way to a window where they manage to get ticketed on a 9:15 PM flight to Frankfurt. Ray and Yolanda are just arriving at the airport. It actually looks like Lake genuinely greets Ray and Yolanda with some warmth, and helps them find their way to the right line, which is an interesting twist after the first week, when it seemed like…maybe not so much. Lake is a very, very interesting character. He's one of those product-of-his-environment guys about whom I genuinely wonder whether he wouldn't be basically to my liking if he hadn't been raised as he was, to live out his life as a conservative dentist. It's like…if you have to be a conservative dentist, I'm not sure this isn't as likable as you're going to get. I think they cast him to be the blowhard asshole yelling at his wife, but I'm starting to think he's just…excitable. Anyway, there is now a whole line of teams arriving at the airport -- basically everyone else who's left, in fact. They're all trying to get on the same Aeroflot flight (say that three times fast) that Lake and Michelle are on.
Here are Eric and Jeremy, arriving in Frankfurt and just making the train to Stuttgart. On the train, they discuss the fact that they keep making things "by seconds," which is very lucky. They mean it's lucky for them, of course.
Back in Moscow, the window that happens to open first is the one in front of BJ and Tyler, so they get tickets on the 9:15 flight, despite having arrived at the airport after both Ray and Yolanda and Fran and Barry. Wouldn't you just know it? Predictably, Tyler hams it up all the way down the jetway, all, "Hold that plane!" I just can't believe the entire international service industry doesn't rear back and make the sign of the cross when they see him coming. Back at the counter, everyone else is told that they are out of luck, and they cannot get on the 9:15. They will have to come back tomorrow morning. So, of course, by virtue of absolutely nothing, BJ and Tyler have gotten an advantage over a bunch of far more likable teams, which is sometimes just the way it goes for teams I can't wait to be rid of. It's not even the luck of the evil, it's just…the luck that does not please me. Which is almost, but not quite, the same thing.
On the flight, Lake and Michelle aren't all that happy to see BJ and Tyler, but they're polite anyway. I'm sure they're happy there aren't other people with them, unless those people had enormous rubber mallets that could be used to knock BJ and Tyler unconscious for the remainder of the flight. The plane takes off at 9:15 PM.
MoJo pays a visit to a counter where they learn that the first flight to Frankfurt is leaving at 7:00 in the morning. Others learn the same at other counters. "Crap," Lori remarks.
Commercials. Okay, I can buy last week's Play Hard team as Wanda and Desiree. If it had been Fran and Barry again, I would have been like, "Who's counting the damn votes? Diebold?"
Moscow airport. All the teams deal gradually with the fact that they're not going to be able to leave until morning. Everyone else heads for a hotel, and MoJo sacks out on the floor. It's good to at least see willingness to sleep on the floor, considering how freaking soft people have gotten in the last couple of seasons. It used to be that sleeping on the floor of the airport was just assumed, and now it almost never happens. Your father and I used to walk to the airport in the snow, uphill both ways, you know.
Yutz meets up with a German guy on the train and asks him whether there are "pretty ladies in Germany." Is there any way the show doesn't know by now how boring this becomes when there isn't anything witty about it? I try not to go all "I only love the first season!" on you all the time, but do you remember how they all got on that train in India and Drew played cards with those guys, and Rob chatted with that one dude, and they were just sort of being among people? And how when they did get hot for the locals, it seemed to emerge from the situation, rather than from anyone running around trying to look like a stud? Even when Chris and Alex would flirt with girls, it wasn't like this. This is just so…stupid. This, just like some other teams in other seasons, is a casting failure. There isn't anything entertaining about these guys. They're not villains; they're not anything. If you want to see these guys, all you have to do is go to TGIFriday's on a Thursday. No one fucking cares.
This dumb team of boring fools gets off the train in Stuttgart. They get a cab to the Mercedes factory. There, they find a clue box telling them to take a test drive to receive a clue. As Phil explains, this won't be open until 8:30 AM, at which point the teams will get in a car driven by someone else and act as ballast during a fast drive around a test track. As was pointed out in the room where I watched this episode, this "task" is a great example of the difference between things that might be exciting to do and things that are exciting to watch people do. Being driven around at high speeds might be cool, but when you watch it, it's just a lot of "WOOO!" The boys retire to a hotel for a few hours until the thing opens.
The second train arrives carrying Lake and Michelle and BJ and Tyler. These teams cab it to the Mercedes factory and find the clue. They disperse for the night.
Back at the Moscow airport, it's 5:00 in the morning, and everyone is lining up for tickets on the 7:00 AM flight, which they all manage to get. One of the many morph-dissolve effects in this episode carries us back to Mercedes, where the Choad Family and the dental Hay-ll-yeah-genists are getting ready for their test drives. "Good morning, I'll be your driver today," says a guy sent from the German subsidiary of central casting to play Stern German Guy #1. All the teams pile in cars with their drivers. It's all pretty much what you would expect, all this driving around. Fast driving, high speeds, people trying to look scared, none looking as terrified as Emily did during the extraordinary post-Tunisgate Roadblock, Tyler and BJ being all, "T-Tow!" It's clear that they envision being mobbed by fans yelling, "T-Tow!" There are actually two "T-Tow"s in this sequence, like, ten seconds apart. Q-Quit it, J-Jerks.
When the test drive is over, the teams get out of the cars and get a new clue. They're actually keeping these cars, driving toward Bad Tolz. Then, they'll find…a field. That's not a good sign. Fields so often mean haystacks, you know? Eric and Jeremy make their way onto the Autobahn. All three lead teams seem to find Bad Tolz on the map and get underway without much fooferaw.
The third train gets into Stuttgart at 11:15 AM. This is the one now carrying the remaining six teams: Ray and Yolanda, Fran and Barry, Dani and Danielle, Wanda and Desiree, MoJo, and Dave and Lori. They all get on their way to the Mercedes factory. Last out of the train station? Fran and Barry, dragging as usual. At least we are spared the shot I was expecting of Barry saying, "Fran and Barry! Moving slowly right now! Barry stopped in the bathroom for just a minute! Barry is sorry!"
At Mercedes, Dave and Lori and Ray and Yolanda are the first two teams to get going. The rest of the teams follow. Desiree picks at Wanda a little bit in the car about her attempts to say "fast" in German. When Dave and Lori and Ray and Yolanda are finished, they collect the clue for Bad Tolz. Dave and Lori pull over and try to grab some directions from locals. Ray and Yolanda do the same.
Various teams fail to freak out while being driven around very fast. Hilariously, the sequence ends with Barry, entirely placid, saying with a blank smile, "That was wild." It's like he just finished trying out a new set of Monopoly dice that glow in the dark. As Wanda and Desiree finish and start asking for directions, the tension increases a little. Wanda does, in fairness to Desiree, pronounce "Bad Tolz" as if it's Spanish, not really in the sense of just having an accent, but in the sense of specifically using what would be a very authentic pronunciation of Spanish, if you know what I mean. Desiree is irritated by this, and asks her if she has to "say everything Spanglish." She goes on: "I really need to know, Mom, why you speak in an accent." Her mom says she doesn't know, and Desiree says, "But it's making it harder for people to understand you." I think I know what she's trying to ask, which is why her mother pronounces German with more of a Spanish accent than she has when she speaks English, if that makes sense, but it comes off really badly. Acting embarrassed by your mother's accent, even if you don't intend it to sound like you're being horrible, kind of makes it sound like you are.
Danielle and Dani decide to follow Wanda and Desiree. Boy, that could be fateful, huh? Fran and Barry and Joseph and Monica are right behind them. Fran and Barry get on the Autobahn. Ray and Yolanda thank the guy who gave them their directions, and they get on the Autobahn as well. Dave and Lori complete this group of direction-getters. After Dave and Lori get their directions, MoJo pulls up and asks if they know anything. Knowing they're close to the back of the pack, I think, Dave and Lori bail out of the alliance by saying they don't know and will be going to a gas station. Then, Dave and Lori go to hell, where it turns out there are no other nerds; only cheerleaders, so now they are in hell and also lonely. Fortunately, MoJo finds the way out of town for themselves. It would be nice if you could keep your alliances going, but you really can't. As for Dave and Lori, they talk to themselves in the car about the "white lie" or "half lie" they told, explaining that after Moscow, they decided they'd just work independently. As I've frequently said, I don't have any patience for "integrity requires you to tell me everything you know in this competition in which our interests are directly in opposition" as a race philosophy, but I will grudgingly admit that the ethics feel slightly stickier with a team you've been working with under what seems to be an understanding, and whom you haven't informed that the understanding is off.
In a rather brilliantly composed sequence, Wanda and Desiree are driving when Desiree says that they want to get on 8 (that's the Autobahn, so she's right) towards Munich. She says, however, that she hasn't seen signs to Munich. Just then, the camera zooms (or the shot is pulled in) to show the sign over Desiree's shoulder, through the car window, facing the other direction, to Munich. Meaning that they've managed to grab exactly the shot they need, which is facing Desiree, looking over her shoulder, and seeing the sign she wishes she were seeing as it fades away into the distance. It's very, very nicely done. Desiree does catch on to this -- maybe because she sees what the camera guy did, and maybe not -- and she tells Wanda that they need to get turned around. Danielle and Dani, meanwhile, are still following, and are now thoroughly confused as to where Wanda and Desiree are leading them. Serves them somewhat right, really. Wanda and Desiree are beginning to bicker and fret, which is never a good sign. Apparently, they're well aware that Danielle and Dani are following, because when they pull off, Desiree gets out of the car to go back and "tell the girls" what's going on. She says that they need to get going the other direction, but that it isn't possible to turn around right here. This situation is going downhill in a hurry.
Way up ahead, the short-haired branch of the Choad Family is finding its way to the field. Silly music plays as we look at a field that is decorated with cones sticking up and something else that can't be identified at first glance. Yutz finds the clue box and gets a clue, and it turns out to be a Roadblock. Or, I really have to say, a "Roadblock." The Roadblock is…wait, give me a minute to recover from having to talk about this again. Okay. The "Roadblock" is hunting through 150 cones and upside-down boots that look like they could, in theory, be either the hat or the feet of (I shit you not) a partially buried Travelocity gnome. Only 11 gnomes are actually hidden -- the rest are just hats or boots, so you have to lift them up and look under them. Now here's the idiotic part -- the ones that are really hiding gnomes aren't actually parts of gnomes. It's not like when you find one, you find that the cone isn't just a cone, it's a gnome's head. Instead, the cone or the boots will still be completely disconnected from anything, only it will be covering up a hole with a gnome in it. It's just stupider than stupid, even if it weren't naked product placement, which -- by the way -- it is. Moreover, once the person doing this "difficult" "task" finds the gnome, they'll have to carry it around for the rest of the leg. Oh, that's dignified. Why don't you just make them stick some Hanes underwear on their heads, huh?
So it's your basic needle-in-a-haystack "Roadblock," not as hard as some, based around that obnoxious gnome. The other thing that doesn't make any sense, as if there needed to be another thing, is that the clue for it says, "Who wants to reap a reward?" Which, as we will find out, has absolutely nothing to do with describing the task, and which also has absolutely nothing to do with who does the "Roadblock," and which does not, in most cases, even relate to a task that results in either person on the team "reaping a reward." Jeremy finds a gnome pretty quickly, and yodeling music (?) starts up as he and Eric run off. Selling your show's soul is so ugly. Anyway, they get a clue that says to take their gnome to Bavaria Film.
Lake and Michelle now have one of the truly great encounters with local color in the history of…ever, as they encounter a fellow on the way to Ellsbach and ask him whether he can help them find it. He agrees to ride along, saying that he's too drunk to drive. Thus do Lake and Michelle adopt the show's first Wasted Fern. He's apparently not too drunk to help them find the field, fortunately, and they even rib him a little bit about being drunk in the car.
At just about the same time, BJ and Tyler and Lake and Michelle arrive at the "Roadblock." You'll never guess whether the hippies are all yelling and shit. Well, maybe you will. BJ and Lake take it. Now why is Lake taking this one? For crying out loud, what Roadblocks is Michelle thinking she's going to do? There probably won't be anything involving making a small child rinse and spit, so I think she's going to need to go a little farther outside her comfort zone. As BJ looks for the gnome, Tyler dances around "comically." Michelle tells Lake, quite correctly, to ignore Tyler, and even more correctly not to follow BJ, because obviously, then he'll just be looking in already-checked holes. "I'm 'on jus' systematically go!" Lake says. I could spend a lot of time this season transcribing Lake phonetically. I probably shouldn't try. Lake is the first of the two guys to find a gnome, which he brings back to Michelle. They get the Bavaria Film clue. And then, just as BJ yells, "What does it look like?", he pulls up a cone and finds a gnome, which he pulls out as he yells, "Like this!" Heh. That was slightly funny. I strongly suspect that BJ is much, much closer to actually being both funny and tolerable than Tyler is. But really, they both bug. I can't remember if I've ever explained before my theory of the difference between people who suck and people who bug, but you can probably get it just from that much explanation. I don't truly dislike people who bug (Meredith and Gretchen, the Godlewskis, Kelly of "Jon and"), but only people who suck (Kelly of "Ron and," the Weavers, Tara and Wil, Aaron and Arianne, Heather and Eve). BJ and Tyler just bug, but they bug maybe more than any team ever has. (FYI: The greatest challenge to this theory is whether Flo sucks or just bugs to a degree that is epic in its sweep. I have never decided.)
Anyway, BJ and Tyler and Lake and Michelle take off, but Lake explains that before they can go, they're taking Wasted Fern home. No, seriously. They're taking him to his house. It's one of the most adorable things I've ever seen on this show, racer-local-interaction-wise, and I'll be damned if it didn't make me like Lake and Michelle a little bit. This is all very weird. In BJ and Tyler's car, they discuss the fact that there was this Fern with Lake and Michelle. "Where did they get that German guy? Did they rent him?" Tyler wonders. These…are the jokes, folks. Sadly enough. Hey, can you blame him? Renting is pretty kee-razy! The very idea of hiring someone to do something for you just seems so out-there that most people must not have been used to it.
Fran and Barry get to the Roadblock, and he takes it. "I'm going to only do feet!" he declares. She wonders why. "'Cause that'll be my system!" he says. Okay, that's…that's not a system, Barry. That is only looking in half of the holes. Completely idiotic. He does eventually find one, but there's no indication of how long it takes, which is one of the things I dislike about this kind of Roadblock. I wish there was a little indicator at the bottom, like, "Barry: 15th Set Of Gnomes Lifted. Strategy: Feet Only." Something like that. Otherwise, you have no way of telling who did how well, and without that information, the whole thing is a little pointless, not that it isn't anyway. Barry returns, and they open the Bavaria Film clue. Barry discusses himself and Fran in the third person during an interview again, and he so very badly needs to stop doing that. They assure us that now, they've "hit [their] stride."
Wanda and Desiree, on the other hand, have not hit their stride. They have hit…nothing. Actually, they have hit the same exit where they got off the Autobahn last time. Miserably, they pull over and stop, and Wanda hops out to tell Danielle and Dani -- who already know -- that they've wound up making a big circle. Wanda likens it to Groundhog Day, which seems fair enough. In a way, this makes Danielle and Dani look like victims, but you know, when you don't want to navigate for yourself, this is the kind of thing that can happen. I'm not sure I walked away from this with a very different view of following others, as much as just with the view that you had better make sure you follow exactly the right person.
Commercials. I often wonder whether there's really anywhere to go anymore in the technology of hair-care products. We're pretty much keeping our hair clean now, after all.
When we come back, Wanda and Desiree, followed by Danielle and Dani, are trying to turn around again. Wanda and Desiree are fighting, complete with "dammit, Desi" and "don't you 'dammit' me," and that's too bad, because early on, they really didn't fight. For their part, Danielle and Dani are also pretty stressed. Finally, both teams get going in the right direction.
Eric and Jeremy are arriving at Bavaria Film, where they pull a clue from the box. It's this week's Detour. Two tasks. They have pros. Also cons. Phil explains that the choices this time are Break It and Slap It. In Break It, they break stunt bottles over each other's heads until they get one with a special label on it that says "Prost," which Phil says is German for "cheers," and not for "cargo-shorts wearer." But they can only break one bottle every time a cuckoo clock goes off, so that's…a clearly random element inserted to make the task take longer. In Slap It, Phil claims that they'll have to "learn and correctly perform" an elaborate set of dance steps with a dance group. You will later notice that, in fact, Slap It does not require this at all, but go with it for the moment.
Eric and Jeremy choose to break bottles over each other's heads. It certainly sounds like a good idea. When they get inside, they first have to outfit themselves in lederhosen. And then, out by the bottles, there is a woman, and she is breathing, so they have to comment on her appearance, because that's the law. They call her "a little hottie." Jeremy takes the first turn clocking Eric with a bottle. No dice. There is some horsing around that follows in which they seem to initially enjoy the slapstick of breaking bottles on each other's heads. There is an exaggerated "Daggit!" when the label isn't a winner either. (There are people who heard something much nastier than "Daggit" there; I emphatically am not one of those people.)
Ray and Yolanda hit the "Roadblock." Ray takes it. He finds a gnome just as Joseph and Monica are arriving. Joseph takes this one for his team. Meanwhile, Dave and Lori are arriving, and Dave does the Roadblock for them. Joseph finds a gnome before Dave, so they're out of there. Ray and Yolanda grab some directions, and then we return to the field long enough to see Dave complete the "Roadblock" so that he and Lori can leave.
Detour. Eric and Jeremy enter their overly rehearsed bit, in which they try to flirt with the woman standing nearby. Eric wants to know if she'll go out with them. She says she will if they pay. He says okay. Wow, hott. I know that's how I indicate intense interest. The only part of this I actually think is funny is when Jeremy sort of grumps to Eric about breaking bottles, "It was fun, now it's just getting old." Yeah. You can only break so many bottles over a guy's head before you kind of feel like you need to move on. Been there.
Lake and Michelle drop off Wasted Fern at his house. They and BJ and Tyler show up at Bavaria Film and grab the Detour clue. Both teams choose the bottles. As they're running in, Eric and Jeremy finally get the magic label they need, so they're done. BJ and Tyler are changing into their lederhosen, but a miffed Tyler says, "I need a changing room. I'm not wearing underwear." Of course. Of course he's not wearing underwear. Underwear is for conformists. As Eric and Jeremy leave with their clue, they make the girl giving it to them smear her lipstick all over them so they'll have it on their faces at the mat. As Phil explains, the pit stop clue requires the teams to travel ten miles to Munich and find a "monument to peace."
Lake and Michelle and BJ and Tyler are starting in on the bottles. "You're going to break a bottle on my head," Michelle says, a little disbelievingly. "Yes!" Lake says with enthusiasm. Heh. Eric and Jeremy get in their car and head for Munich. In the car, they congratulate themselves for the lipstick smudges.
Unsurprisingly, Tyler is mugging and goofing the entire time they're doing the bottles. He also whines at one point that BJ is hitting him too hard. Lake mentions the same thing to Michelle: "All you have to do is barely hit me." "Oh, shut up and take it like a man," she tells him, and he laughs. He barely touches her with the bottle on their try, and she argues that it actually hurt more because he did it so softly. They get a label, in spite of not having complete agreement on proper technique (and who ever does, really?) and they leave the Detour in second place. BJ and Tyler find their clue . BJ does an exaggeratedly hammy goofy thing as he tells the clue woman in German that he wants to go dancing with her. She says that's nice of him. She does not seem all that amused, except in a sort of obligatory way. She is not exactly falling over with the hysterical laughter BJ was clearly looking for. They leave.
Fran and Barry choose the dancing. Yeah, I don't know. Inside, they work on learning the dance. On their first shot, they can't do it, so they ask to try again. This could take a while, people.
Eric and Jeremy approach the pit stop. They hop out of their car and run to the mat. Congratulations, you are team number one. And you have won a trip to Africa. Phil asks about the lipstick on their faces, and they explain how they made the clue lady kiss them. Phil calls them "the biggest Casanovas we've ever had on The Amazing Race." Eric responds to this by talking about how Danielle and Dani are "sweethearts," and Jeremy says he hopes they make it to the mat so that there can be "more tongue-wrestling." Huh. It's so interesting, because either that's a lie, in which case he's an asshole for saying it, or else it's the truth, in which case he's an asshole for saying it. Phil looks like he might be sick, and I agree.
Somehow, Lake and Michelle have wound up behind BJ and Tyler, so these teams are right together approaching the pit stop. Michelle gets frustrated about trying to navigate, and Lake says, "Baby, zip the negativisim now. It's not positive; just don't say it." She shifts into exaggerated praise of him. BJ and Tyler run backwards to the mat for absolutely no reason whatsoever. BJ looks at the greeter, who happens to have a long, white beard, and says, "Santa." Which might be funny if there were a break from this, ever, but as it is, it just feels like an endless stream of being grabbed by the collar and instructed to laugh. "Laugh, dammit!" Also, I don't really appreciate the implication that Santa would lower himself to work as a greeter. Anyway, they are team number two. Lake and Michelle, you are team number three. They're happy, and they high-five.
Back at the dancing, Fran and Barry "complete" the Detour, by which I mean that they stand there while the music plays and the other people dance, and Barry does about three-quarters of the dance, and Fran does no more than half of it. It's completely absurd that this results in their getting the clue, because the entire point is learning all the steps. If you don't make them learn all the steps, then people aren't competing equally, because the rules aren't being applied the way they're explained in the clue. I hate it when this happens. It's locals trying to be nice, basically, but it makes things unfair. They're not feeble; it's not like you can't teach them the steps if you stay and make them learn. At any rate, Fran and Barry get the pit stop clue.
Joseph and Monica get to Bavaria Film just as Fran and Barry head to Munich. Joseph and Monica are doing the bottles as well. They laugh at the absurdity of the task. Ray and Yolanda arrive, as do Dave and Lori, but Dave and Lori are a little more clued in to where the entrance is, so they hit the clue box first. Both teams go with the bottles. Inside, Ray wonders whether the lederhosen he's trying to put on are giving him trouble because they're backwards. Yolanda doesn't think that's the issue. "Your butt's just big," she says. He laughs. Lori, meanwhile, has such trouble with her outfit that Ray and Yolanda get to the bottles before they do. So now, Ray and Yolanda are joining Joseph and Monica at the bottle option. Dave and Lori soon jump in. Just then, a large band led by tootling clarinetists comes tromping through, which is delightfully random. Bottles are broken, more bottles are broken, and Dave and Lori get a magic label first. Monica and Joseph, on the other hand, are starting to get irritated.
And now, back to the field. Remember the field? It's where Wanda and Desiree and Danielle and Dani are. Looking for the gnomes. Remember? The "Roadblock"? At any rate, Dani and Desiree take the task. Incidentally, if you've ever wondered whether "Dani" is something of a cheat so that this team isn't named "Danielle and Danielle," it is. Because the one they call "Danielle" says to the one they call "Dani" as she's starting the Roadblock, "Danielle, fast." Desiree, for her part, seems to be a trifle confused, as she seems to think you have to dig in the hole rather than just peeking in the hole, which may be costing her time. Dani reaches into a hole under some feet and pulls out a gnome. She and Danielle are on their way. Desiree feels like she's already looked in every single hole. She apologizes, but her mom isn't satisfied: "You've been walking; she was running." Eh. True, but…I'm not sure that's going to help at this point. "The fact of the matter is," Desiree says, "they're all gone." Tearfully, she says she just doesn't know where there is left to look.
Commercials. Cereal: same as shampoo. Where is there to go, really?
We return to Desiree, still unable to figure out how to find a gnome. Wanda tells her not to get upset, but to keep looking. Finally, Desiree finds one, but when they get going, they're well in last place.
Fran and Barry, you are team number four.
Joseph and Monica and Ray and Yolanda are not enjoying the bottle-breaking. Here comes the band again! Monica is so frustrated that she suggests they Bald Snark it over to the dancing. That would normally be a bad idea, but of course, the dancing is being judged according to effort, apparently, so it might not work out too badly. Ray and Yolanda are surprised, and expect that MoJo might be back. But over at the dancing, again, it turns out that you only have to sort of, kind of, mostly do the dance. Actually, MoJo is a damn sight better than Barry and Fran, and I can't really complain about their execution when they finally get their clue. The cheer that goes up alerts Ray and Yolanda that the dance might not be so hard after all, and they abandon the bottles, too. Again, it looks like Ray and Yolanda are much, much closer to doing the dance than Fran and Barry were.
Welcome, Dave and Lori. You are team number five. Dave notes that they're proud of rising from ninth place to fifth place in the second half of the leg. Can't argue with that.
Welcome, Joseph and Monica, you are team number six. Welcome, Ray and Yolanda. You are team number seven.
Danielle and Dani are arriving at Bavaria Film, and they take the dancing. They start to learn the moves from the teacher guy. Desiree and Wanda are just approaching the Detour box. They, too, take the dancing. Inside, Danielle and Dani do a pretty fine job with the folk dance, and they get their clue and leave. As they're leaving, Wanda and Desiree are on the way in, so the teams were separated, apparently, by however much time it takes to do the dance Detour. Danielle and Dani rush off for the pit stop as Wanda and Desiree start trying to learn the dance. Desiree's version of the dance is not so hot, in part because she seems to be about to shut down entirely, but they get the clue anyway. I suspect that all the dancers are just about ready to go home and not in the mood to nitpick.
And then, Danielle and Dani, asking for directions into Munich. Wanda and Desiree, heading for the monument. Danielle and Dani, asking for more directions. And then, as Wanda and Desiree approach the monument, they see Danielle and Dani. So it appears that Danielle and Dani did indeed squander a large lead on the way from the Detour to the pit stop -- almost enough to make a difference. Both teams realize they are right together, and both park and run. But up to the pit stop come…Danielle and Dani, who are team number eight.
Wanda and Desiree come up to the pit stop, and the greeter says, "Welcome to Munich, Germany," in a way that might as well say, "I'm so sorry your dog died." Phil tells them they are last, and they are Philiminated. "We got lost," Desiree says. "A lot." Desiree does says she's proud of her mom, but she also says "these past four days have been hell." I think that double leg really, really took it out of them. I sense that Desiree puts a lot of responsibility on herself to keep things together, probably more even than her mom requires, so I think she's in a high-pressure situation of her own making, a little bit. She praises her mother in a post-game interview. Wanda also says she loves her daughter, and the race reassured her that Desiree is very independent.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Laundry. Frustration. Boy, have I been there.