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After a quick zipline bunching and a fairly pointless bus ride, it's time to fly in a giant wad all the way to Moscow, where someone will have to dive under the water. You would think that when a Roadblock clue says "take the plunge," you wouldn't have your person who can't swim choose to do that one, but that is why you are not on the show. Wanda freaks out, and for a time, it looks like she and Desiree are utter toast, but then Danielle and Dani, cursed by their association with Eric and Jeremy, forget to bring their bag and have to turn back. After a bunch of teams have a surprising amount of trouble finding a trolley depot where they can wash a bus, some of them switch gears and wind up hunting through an enormous number of nesting Russian dolls, while the Hungarian Soup Orchestra plays energetically in the background. Just as we all realize that this leg is awfully tense awfully close to the end, it becomes clear that it is not the end of a leg at all, and indeed, when Eric and Jeremy arrive first on the mat, they discover that this is a dreaded "To Be Continued" leg, and Phil just gives them another clue. So nobody's out, everybody's in, and week, Wanda and Desiree start to bicker. Well, it couldn't be avoided forever. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Stairway To A Cardiac Event: The Roadblock Of One Million Stairs, The Detour Of Sugar Cane Or Climbing, and The End. Eric and Jeremy found time to be so skeevy that they left a little trail of blech-teria everywhere they went, BJ and Tyler found time to shtick to the plan, and Fran and Barry found time to continue their dissertation research on the topic of everything a team can possibly do wrong while racing. But no team could match the ineptitude of Lisa and Joni, who couldn't figure out how to drive their VW Beetle, and not just because they were too tall to fit inside it. The sisters fell so far behind, in fact, that even after Fran and Barry's car battery found being in their presence so depressing that it committed ritual suicide, it wasn't enough to matter, and the very loud -- and in one case, very emotional -- ladies were sent home. That's two teams that annoyed me gone in the first two weeks, meaning that I am very close to proclaiming the season to be "on a roll." It is rolling, specifically, over people I don't especially like, and nothing can be any better than that. Who will be eliminated ? Will it be someone enormously irritating? The odds are good.Credits. Didn't I used to like all the gym-rat boys, even when they were basically affable dullards? Why has my shallowness deserted me in the case of Eric and Jeremy? I look at them in those beach shots and just want to tell them to put their damn clothes on. I can't tell if I'm feeling prudish or just bored. Is this what it feels like to be a person of substance? I don't really like it.
Commercials. I don't think you want people to feel like they have to take out a restraining order against the gnome, Travelocity, so you might stop making ads where it floats outside people's windows like a stalker. If it becomes the Bad Touch Gnome, it's not going to do great things for your PR situation.
Music returns us to the Brazilian countryside, where several cows stare at the camera in a way that seems very condemning. We're pissing off the international cows, people. The situation is serious. Phil tells us that we are in a farming community, and -- hey, Phil looks great! He looks normal! The pants fit! I have waited a very long time for Phil's pants to stop looking like he got them out of the costume trunk at a college theater department, so whoever is responsible, I want to thank you personally for proving that Phil has a perfectly normal waist, as long as you don't put him in girl pants. Properly Phitted Phil tells us that this was the second pit stop, and we learn that in addition to the mandatory resting, there was mingling.
In fact, the very first thing on Properly Phitted Phil's agenda is to tell us that during this pit stop, "Eric and Danielle and Jeremy and Dani paired up." Now, I don't know what "paired up" means to you, but in the case of Eric and Danielle, they are shown sitting together, and in Jeremy and Dani's case, they are shown walking together and not touching. The only people who think that's what "paired up" means are found at Jane Austen conventions and Oral Roberts University. "We just hooked up with them right away," Jeremy says, abusing the language some more, as Eric lifts the back of Danielle's jacket to grab another look at her ass and she -- notably -- pushes his hand away. Eric claims in an interview that they all were "talking about naughty things," but other than that? If you're looking for canoodling footage or even particularly convincing flirting footage, there's...nothing. Now, sometimes, they've teased these things kind of early, as I think they did with The Incomprehensible Love Of Flo and Drew (ack), so maybe they're going somewhere with this. For the time being, though, given that they're being followed around by cameras, there's really not much to see yet. I might just be hoping the girls have more sense than this. In other E/S/M news, Barry is a very, very hairy man. It's like he jumped in a vat of syrup and then rolled around in whatever they use to make synthetic Santa Claus beards.
4:48 AM. BJ and Tyler. Today, their shirts say "TTOW." Unfortunately, we will return to this later. The clue tells them to ride a 300-foot zip line that Phil explains is three miles away at another farm. There, they'll get a clue. This does seem a little...tossed in, like, "Three episodes and no zip line? This cannot stand!" Because who rides a zip line at a farm, you know? It's like bungee-jumping off the top of a Blockbuster. Anyway, they leave, and in an interview, Tyler explains that they're "not just the happy-go-lucky crazy hippies running around naked all the time," in spite of the fact that they are spending such maximum effort at all times to convince everyone that they are. I will say that if they're doing very much of the running around naked, I love the editing staff more than ever for making sure I do not learn of this firsthand. They get in their car and leave.
5:01 AM. Eric and Jeremy. We learn that the teams get $307 for the leg. For some reason, Eric and Jeremy find this hilarious. Usually, guys like this would only find $69 funny, so I have no idea what they're on about. They leave, and as they talk about how their car has been doing such a good job, Eric opines that they should name the car "Danielle #3." I have a feeling these guys probably name everything, and I do mean everything, and I...just made myself queasy for a minute. I need to lie down. Eric then interviews that they have fun with the girls at the pit stops, but as to racing, "It's got to be Jeremy and I."
5:18 AM. Joseph and Monica. She talks in an interview about how impressed she's been with how calm Joseph has been during the race. I have a feeling that if he weren't calm, he knows she wouldn't be calm, as she does seem somewhat excitable.
5:28 AM. Dave and Lori. Their special nerd theme plays as Lori interviews that they haven't traveled internationally all that much. So they see the race as a "wonderful opportunity...to travel the world together." Boy, that's a novel approach. It doesn't have the powerful suspense of going on the race with someone as a way of determining whether you have anything common with her, but it just might work. Crazy nerds!
BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy are approaching the zip line destination. BJ and Tyler get there first and learn that it doesn't open until 7:00 AM. As Eric and Jeremy approach, BJ and Tyler hide along the side of the road. And then they jump out and yell, and Eric and Jeremy jump a little. It's reasonably funny the first time. Joseph and Monica arrive without incident, but when Dave and Lori come, BJ and Tyler have to climb on their car and ride on it. Sigh. It makes me want to sneak up on them and search their backs for a switch that can be turned down. There can't really be just the one setting, or someone would have given them both so many noogies by now that they would have visible dents in their heads.
6:31 AM. Ray and Yolanda. As they're leaving, Ray talks again about how they've been dating long-distance for five years, and how the race will be a great chance to get to know her. "You're never going to have a chance like this in your life." What, to get to know her? Well, call me crazy, but after five years, I'd consider living in the same place as a possibility. At some point that I would think would come before the five-year mark, if you're not inclined to live closer together, that's your answer right there. I mean, at some point, what you don't know is the result of not trying very hard to find out, and boo-hoo-ing about how put-upon you are because a month-long reality show is the best chance you have to get information is not the most compelling argument I've ever heard. Not that I don't like them, because I do, but these "This is my chance!" people drive me out of my bird. It seems to me that the person is your chance, more than the thirty-day break from work is your chance, no? It's like, "I might have won the lottery, but I never went and found out because I couldn't get a ride."
6:32 AM. Wanda and Desiree. In the car, Wanda hopes that her stomach is up to the challenge of the zip line. Desiree gives another little interview about how her mom can get really wound up, and how she's responsible for maintaining a semblance of calm. I suspect Desiree herself can get pretty wound up also; she just does it in a different way, and she doesn't pile it on top of her mother's tendency to overreact.
And now, it is time for the zip line to open. As the four teams run together toward the staging area, it appears that it is BJ or Tyler who starts singing, "I don't know but I've been told," and then...nothing. It goes, "Zip kinds...zip lines..." Yeah. Thanks for playing. The fact that the show is called Whose Line Is It Anyway? doesn't mean that people are actually supposed to respond to your improvisation by wondering to themselves, "Whose line is it, anyway?" Wacky, goofy, crazy, hilarious hippies indeed. Fortunately for them, but unfortunately for me, nobody yells out something like, "Good one!" It's what I would have done. After all, the fact that they dropped their line doesn't mean I'd have to drop mine. The four lead teams -- the Choad Family, MoJo, and Dave and Lori -- get harnessed up and ready to zip.
7:06 AM. Lake and Michelle. "Michelle is starting to see the game that I saw after about the first leg," Lake interviews, and I can honestly tell you that I have no idea whatsoever what the hell that means, and not because of his accent. He goes on to say that at times, he gets frustrated because Michelle "plays it too safe." His lust for excitement is demonstrated by his flying over a pothole and going, "Woo!" Because you know what really proves you have a lust for life? Aggressive driving. And then he drives over another bump, and Michelle gets upset, saying, "You just killed my ass." I'm just going to leave that comment alone. Except to say that I think he arguably is her ass. Okay, I didn't really leave it alone.
7:07 AM. Danielle and Dani. "On this race," Dani interviews, "we're not playing with our muscles, we're not playing with our bodies...we're playing with our hearts." She adds, "Hearts first, bodies second." And Danielle throws in, "And then boobs," which strikes me as completely in jest, particularly as I have yet to see them return to any sort of girly appealing for help after the motorcycle debacle of the premiere. I took it as an answer to a question about how they think either their sexuality or their excellent physical condition contributes to their success.
Lake and Michelle are in the process of getting lost.
BJ and Tyler are the first to have their shot at the zip line. Tyler refers to his Great Big Book Of Nutty Ideaz and finds that when you go across a zip line, you are to yell, "Banzai!" So he does. BJ follows, and I believe he yells "Moo cow!" at a cow below. I can't believe he's actually trying to be funny by yelling out something I can almost guarantee you is already old hat to a Brazilian cow. They get their clue, which tells them to fly to Moscow. Phil explains that this is a journey of about 7300 miles, and that when they get there, they'll need to find Chaika Bassein, a sports facility that used to be used for training Olympians. There, they'll find another clue. The clue for Moscow also tells them that they have to start by going to the Brotas bus station to get a bus to Sao Paulo. BJ and Tyler read this in unison, and then they head-butt each other with their helmets. I would like to point out that even when this show had actual, literal clowns on it, they managed to occasionally open clues like normal human beings. They did some clowning, even to the point where it bugged from time to time, but they didn't feel the need to do an official Bit Of Business every single time the camera was on to see them open a clue. Oh, and when BJ and Tyler head-butt, they say, "T-Tow!" Like on their shirts. In an interview, one of them says that this is their "power word," and the other says it's "the circle of the universe." That right there is a perfect example of why I find them so tiresome. If you just had a habit of saying "T-Tow!", it might be cute. But when you say it, and you put in on your shirts, and you tell us it's your official "power word," and you say some shit about how it's "the circle of the universe," now all of a sudden, it's stupid. I will close by saying that I am fairly confident that if there is a word that is the circle of the universe, I am reasonably confident that it is not "T-Tow."
Eric and Jeremy ride the zip line . They read their clue. Honestly, as I said, this zip line is just not that exciting. I get the feeling that they were really trying to make sure there was enough wild excitement after the Giant Chair and so forth, which I support, but this totally feels like an add-on, this part. We came to love high-flying stunts during that suck-out-your-breath Detour in the very first episode ever, and this? Is just not that. It has a kind of corporate-retreat feel to it, and you never want race tasks to feel like a corporate retreat. up: trust falls and a rousing game of Know Your Lemon. (What do you mean, you've never played Know Your Lemon? Boy, do you not party with Quakers. ["…And the week's Sentences I Never Thought I'd Proofread Award is claimed. By Monday, no less." -- Sars])
Joseph and Monica get across and get their clue; Dave and Lori do the same. The more I see of Dave and Lori, the more I can tell that they are exactly the kinds of people I enjoy, to the point where I have a strangely familiar feeling like I know them, especially him, even though I know I don't. Awesome, dryly goofy, proudly geeky men like Dave are, to me, one of the universe's sublime pleasures. Every dorm and apartment building could be filled with Daves, and I would be happy.
Just as this first clump of teams is leaving the zip line, Ray and Yolanda are arriving. In MoJo's car, she says to him, "Where's our race pack?" He hands her the Amazing Purse, saying, "Give me the pack back, once you're done." I don't know about all of you, but in the M. Giant and Trash Living Room Of Tuesday Night Reality Television, we all immediately said, "Oh, they're going to lose their bag, then." Or, as M. Giant put it, "Clearly, the pack now has to go off in the third act." So from this point, it wasn't a matter of whether someone was losing a bag, but when.
Wanda and Desiree arrive at the zip line. They pass a departing Dave and Lori, who give them encouragement. Danielle and Dani, elsewhere, are on the right path to the zip line, while Lake and Michelle? Not so much. They are seriously out in the middle of a field. He climbs up on top of the car to get a look around. When they head back to where they just were and she bugs him to slow down, he says, "If you don't shut up…" He doesn't finish, which is probably a good thing. You can call it sort of a...penultimatum.
8:24 AM. Fran and Barry. Leaving an hour and a half after the last other team. Fran tells us that they're unhappy about being in last, and they'll be giving it their all on this leg. This is the happiest they will be during the whole hour, so I hope you enjoy it.
Ray and Yolanda cross the zip line. She's a little nervous, but she manages. Wanda and Desiree follow.
At the Brotas bus station, the Choad Family and MoJo are showing up. They all get tickets on a 9:15 AM bus. When Dave and Lori get there, BJ purports to point to where the clue box with the tickets is, and then he goes, "Just kidding, it's over here!" Oh, the hilarity. The endless, exhausting, make-me-scream-in-actual-pain hilarity. Dave and Lori also get a 9:15 AM departure time.
Danielle and Dani do the zip line, and as they leave, Lake and Michelle are finally getting there.
Ray and Yolanda and Wanda and Desiree get tickets for the 10:00 AM bus.
When Lake and Michelle open the clue, Lake says, "Fly to...freakin' Russia! Dadgummit, I was hopin' we wouldn't have to go to Russia." "Shut up, it'll be fun," Michelle says. I have to say, I think Lake is...a blowhard, but probably harmless, for the most part. I think he's kind of one of those guys who's all talk as far as being an asshole, you know? Of course, my first thought when he said he didn't want to go to Russia was that he didn't want communist cooties, but when they're in the car, what he's talking about is that it's going to be cold, which I can certainly understand. We don't have communism up in my neck of the woods, but that doesn't mean you'd want to come here in the middle of the winter. In the winter, our pitch is pretty much down to "Hey, It Could Be Worse. You Could Be In Wisconsin."
At the bus station, Danielle and Dani get on the 10:00 AM bus. "You guys look so good today," Eric or Jeremy says to them. There is a bit of business where Eric comes over and fiddles with Dani's shirt on the theory that he's picking something off it, har har. If we were supposed to think that there was "pairing up" at the pit stop, it's a little disrupted by the fact that Eric is the one fiddling with Dani's shirt. In an interview, Dani says -- listen closely -- "Danielle and I spent time with Jeremy and Eric at the last pit stop, and, you know, we got to know the boys a lot better." Danielle adds, "They made our time there a lot more fun, like, I really have to say I enjoyed my time at the pit stop." That interview is, to me, absolutely teeming with an "in spite of the fact that we recognize that they're basically assholes" vibe. Like, "Even though they're pretty much dicks, we did have fun with them and got to know them more, and they're kind of entertaining for pit-stop down time." I'm not saying there won't be budding romances there, but I hold out hope that that entire clip of her talking was a qualifier on her real opinion.
Fran and Barry complete the zip line and get the Moscow clue.
At 9:15 AM, the first bus leaves with BJ and Tyler, Joseph and Monica, Eric and Jeremy, and Dave and Lori. In Lake and Michelle's car, he asks her to read the clue to him one more time. "I'm going to punch you in the mouth," she says. "It doesn't say anything different." "Hey, listen to me," he says with a hint of a smile, "Don't be ugly. Because we haven't been ugly to each other, you hear me?" She protests that he was being ugly on the way to Brotas, but...with these people, much more than with some others, I can kind of begin to see that this might be the way they talk to each other, in a way that's not all that troubling, even though it's certainly not what I would choose for myself. They get to the bus station and get a departure time of 10:00 AM, along with Danielle and Dani. And as they talk, Michelle realizes that she left the fanny pack in the car. Lake scolds her not to ever take that pack off, which is probably fairly good advice. "We're not arguing over something so silly," she says firmly. "It's here, we didn't lose it." "Can we agree, listen, just don't take it off?" he says. "Can we agree for you to hush?" she comes back. "Michelle, don't be a bitch, now." I have to say, I like the line, "Can we agree for you to hush?" Like I said, it's not the marriage I would choose, but it's certainly not Jonathan and Victoria, you know? In fact, I have to say, I believe I'm tucking away "Can we agree for you to hush?" for future use.
The 10:00 AM bus leaves with Ray and Yolanda, Wanda and Desiree, Lake and Michelle, and Danielle and Dani. Meanwhile, Fran and Barry get there and learn that they are the only ones on the last bus at 10:45. They seem all upset about this, but...I mean, when you leave an hour and a half behind the closest team to you, you may not make it all up at the very first move. Yeesh. What did they expect? People are getting downright spoiled.
Commercials. Wait, Fran and Barry were the T-Mobile Play Hard team again? What the hell is wrong with this country? No wonder goddamned Kellie Pickler is still around. ["…Can we agree for you to hush?" -- Sars]
At 10:45 AM, Fran and Barry finally get on their bus, lamenting that there are no other teams with them. "It's going to be hard to catch up," he notes, but then he adds that "it's not over till it's over," which he should remember to mention to himself and his wife so they don't keep yammering on about being eliminated every single freaking week.
At the Sao Paulo airport, the lead bus arrives. Inside, the teams learn that the fastest way to Moscow is on Lufthansa via Frankfurt, and they all get tickets on the flight, which is apparently not leaving any time particularly soon, if you get my drift. The second bus arrives, and they all get on that flight as well. They will all be arriving in Moscow at 12:10 PM. As Lake and Michelle get their tickets, Lake tries to call out to one of the ticket agents, but Michelle points out that she doesn't think "senorita" is the right word to use. When Fran and Barry arrive, they get on the same flight, so there goes that hour and a half deficit. I don't mind bunching, but dudes, that's three in the first half of the show. Operating hours, show-provided transportation, and a long flight? A certain amount of this is inevitable, but why not just let them get their own transportation back to Sao Paulo? Those "three charter buses" arrangements are usually set up to work like a sort of anti-bunch, giving a bit of an advantage to the first teams to get there. Here, that advantage was gone with the very first thing they did after, so it does seem a little more pointless than usual. Anyway, Phil explains again that in Moscow, the teams will have to get to that sports complex. On the plane, Dani gets a woman to talk to her a little about where Chaika is, and learns a word meaning "go fast." The girls share this information with Eric and Jeremy, at which point Eric pulls Dani's hat off and starts messing with her hair, and seriously, dude, less pawing. She doesn't appear to paw you back, you know, and when you're pawing them both, it doesn't even seem like you're flirting; it just seems like you're grabby. The fact that they have similar names and similar hair doesn't really make it appropriate for you to treat them like they're interchangeable. Scientists now say that two women may actually have distinctive DNA giving them slightly different characteristics.
When all the teams arrive in Moscow, they get cabs. Notably, when Fran and Barry try to explain where they're going, they use a swimming-arms motion (previously seen as Charla's symbol for "ferry" in one of the fucking funniest scenes ever on this show), meaning that either they found out something from the people on the plane, or you can tell from the clue that there is swimming at the location where they're going. Other teams pile into cabs. Eric and Jeremy wind up sharing with Danielle and Dani, and MoJo shares with Dave and Lori. I like it when Joseph refers to their driver as "hauling balls," and it makes me sad that the FCC is about to make it impossible for comments like that to make it through, since apparently everything has to be entirely appropriate for five-year-olds, or it can't be on TV. (In this week's FCC news: "Bullshit" is pretty much always going to get you a fine; "dickhead" is not. Just so you know. I quote directly: "For the reasons stated below, we find 'dick' and its derivative, 'dickhead,' not to be patently offensive in this context, whereas we find 'bullshit' to be patently offensive in this context." So apparently, the parents out there don't want their kids to start saying "bullshit," but don't mind if they start calling each other "dickhead." You know, those are the kinds of distinctions that only a small, lean government taking the attitude that citizens are best equipped to handle their own lives can possibly be expected to draw. I mean, my mother totally would not have cared as between my use of those two words. Shows you what she knows.)
"Wow, Russia," Tyler says in the cab. "It's got a bitter chill that killed Napoleon's troops." I've got your bitter chill right here, dude. I mean, isn't it that kind of natural, unrehearsed wit for which you watch television? They're so natural, you can barely tell they're acting! In other regrettable news, Monica: "All I know is Russian people drink and smoke a whole lot." Even if you're not-broad-minded to the point where that's actually all you know, and even if it's arguably true on a statistical level, you probably don't want to say that.
BJ and Tyler arrive at the complex. They pull the clue, which is a Roadblock. It says, "Who wants to take the plunge?" As Phil explains, in this Roadblock, one person will put on a bathing suit and go outside in the cold, climb up to the ten-meter diving board, and jump in. Then, the person will dive down to retrieve an underwater clue. Tyler takes it. Fran and Barry show up, and Barry takes the Roadblock. Ray and Yolanda arrive, and because he did the last one, she takes this one. She is unhappy when she sees the details of what it is, because she can't swim. Which...I mean, what were they thinking "take the plunge" was going to be? I'm also not really sure what "I don't know how to swim" means coming from her. She says she tends to sink, but I also think her standards for what it means to be able to do an athletic activity are probably higher than, say, mine. I mean, I would tell you I can swim, but that doesn't mean it will look elegant.
There is another yell of "T-Tow" as Tyler runs to the board. He jumps in and he retrieves the clue. It tells them to travel to a monastery. On the grounds, they'll find a cathedral and a clue. Reading the clue, Tyler exaggeratedly says, "Sounds like a date!" and runs off. They are so clearly not going to be eliminated, ever, and it just makes me want to put my head down and weep, because after three episodes of this, I feel like if I see them do anything else kee-razy, I might hurt someone. There's no arguing with their racing ability, considering that every time the teams bunch up, they wind up out in the lead or near it. I would just prefer they were entirely edited out of the show and I were just given an update at the end regarding their position relative to everyone else. I don't hate them; I just have absolutely no desire to watch them do anything. I'm looking for a way to be at peace with it. Something to make me one with the universe. Maybe I need a game of Know Your Lemon.
Lake and Michelle approach the complex. Inside, they grab the Roadblock clue, which they take outside to read. He initially tells her that she needs to do it, presumably for balance. "I might have to do it naked!" she gasps with genuine distress. Now...okay. The show has done a lot of things, but I really don't think they're going to make you do anything naked. Again: FCC. Lake's initial reaction is "So what?", which is kind of hilarious, but when she looks stricken again, he quickly goes to, "Okay, I'll do it." They run in. I wonder if that's going to be her default way of getting out of any Roadblock she doesn't like. "I might have to do it naked!" Eating, driving, climbing...hell, they could make you do anything naked, if you think about it. Well, maybe not anything with harnesses, for safety reasons. Come to think of it, Amazing Naked Race would only be the second stupidest idea they've ever had for a specialty season, so.
Eric and Jeremy and Dani and Danielle arrive. Eric and Dani take the Roadblock. The Dave/Lori/MoJo Taxi Of Love pulls up . I certainly wouldn't mind seeing that turn into a long-term alliance of sorts, not that I really believe in alliances on this particular show. I like the idea of a friendship among all of them to demonstrate that love strikes the bespectacled and the nonbespectacled alike. Lori and Monica take the Roadblock.
In Wanda and Desiree's cab, they are taking note of beautiful things out the windows. When they get to the complex, Wanda takes the Roadblock.
Very Scary Hairy Barry (tm M. Giant) jumps into the water. He does not see the clue right away and Fran harasses him about not having studied hard enough when they worked on underwater diving. They did? They should have spent more time in the class on motorcycle assembly. Maybe they decided they were doomed to be unsuccessful and just quit. Meanwhile, BJ and Tyler leave in a cab for the monastery. Barry finally dives down and gets the clue, so they leave in second place, which is pretty good, and certainly far better than they've done with most other things up to this point. Yolanda is to climb the high dive, as Ray explains that she didn't want to do the dive. She walks out onto the diving board in her bathing suit as a large collection of Russian people look on.
M. Giant: Svim-vear!
Me: Evening-vear!
Trash: Okay, what are you talking about?
M. Giant: With the beach ball!
Me: And the flashlight!
Trash: No. Really. What?
Me: Wendy's. It was something about...choices.
M. Giant: McDonald's is the Soviet Union, as it turns out.
Michelle, standing and waiting for Lake to go, yells encouragement to Yolanda. "It's easy; everybody did it," Ray assures her. It appears that Eric and Lake are both waiting now, so Ray encourages Yolanda to get a move on. Meanwhile, Monica appears to be in a very tiny bathing suit not resembling the ones that people are being assigned to wear here. There are, incidentally, a lot of people around while they're doing this -- there are ladies in the water, and then there are bunches of people just hanging around. I like it when the locals gather to watch the crazy Americans. "Doesn't look like she's going to jump," Jeremy says of Yolanda. But in a very different way than the jerkweeds who ogled her at the motorcycle shop a couple of weeks ago, the crowd begins to applaud encouragingly. Yolanda jumps at last, and everybody cheers. That's cute; this is a nice sequence in that way. No matter what language you speak, everybody knows what a terrified person on a diving board looks like, and everybody knows what applause is, and that will do it, you know? The show tries to tease you briefly with some kind of "What if she never surfaces?" moment, but...that is kind of unlikely. I do not believe she will drown! Watch me go out on a limb! She dives down and gets the clue, and she's done. She seems to be a little teary as Ray gives her a hug and they open the clue. We are informed that someone yells "Good girl!" to her in Russian as she's leaving. Cute, since that's just what I was saying in English.
Lake jumps. Eric jumps. They both go and get clues. Dani jumps. We see Fran and Barry leaving for the monastery, followed by other teams. Eric and Jeremy refer to the girls as "the pretty girls with the big boobies" to their cabbie. It's just all so unnecessary. I mean, if they didn't have big boobs, you'd have to find some way to refer to them, right? So, like, think of what that would be and say it. In their departing cab, Lake complains to Michelle about having had to wear a Speedo in the pool. She thinks he looked fine; he thinks he looked white. He tells her that all things considered, he wishes she'd done it. "Would you really make me get in front of all those Russian people with a bathing suit on?" Like she was going to start a panic or something. It's Moscow, Michelle. They've seen things more likely to shock than you in a bathing suit. It's like she thinks that only in the post-Soviet era did people in Moscow learn about capitalist notions like breasts.
Eric and Jeremy leave with Danielle and Dani. Back at the pool, now Monica is in the standard-issue one-piece, and she jumps into the water and gets the clue. I have no idea what's up with her wearing the one suit first and then changing into the one the Roadblock apparently required. They leave. Lori goes , no problem. Wanda and Desiree are . Wanda doesn't seem to have too much trouble with the jump into the water, as we see Joseph and Monica and Dave and Lori leaving, meaning that Wanda and Desiree are in last place and need to keep moving. As Wanda moves into the part where you go underwater for the clue, however, she balks at diving down into the water. Worst of all, as she balks, she starts to panic that they're going to lose, so she freezes up even more. Desiree has to start patting her arm and telling her not to cry, which is not how you want a Roadblock to go. When Wanda takes a shot and doesn't get down into the water, which seems to at least be partly a result of faulty technique, she just gets more upset that she can't get herself to dive down. This is quickly blossoming into an all-out panic attack.
Commercials. How can there be a Lobsterfest at Red Lobster? They don't have a Chickenfest at KFC. It's like...every day is Chickenfest.
We return to the Roadblock, where Wanda is still freaking out. Desiree is assuring her she can do it, but she doesn't seem so sure. Now, Wanda feels like she doesn't know how to get herself down far enough, and Desiree begins to feel frustrated, saying she isn't sure what else she can do.
BJ and Tyler find the cathedral. Inside, they keep their voices down, but Tyler wackily cracks, "Time to pay the bills!" as they open the box. Then, once they have the clue, he announces, "This place is gorgeous, huh? Let's check this place out first!" And then they stand there for a minute, all reverent and respectful, and then they leave. There's been a lot of debate over whether this was just a different brand of mugging, and I'm inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely tried to be respectful. I also think, however, that announcing you're going to Stop And Enjoy The Cathedral is also mugging -- in other words, if your only motivation is to appreciate it, you just appreciate it. You don't need to narrate. I think they legitimately wanted to check out the cathedral, but I also think they wanted -- or at least Tyler, who is clearly the worse mugger -- wanted to make sure you didn't miss the fact that they were checking out the cathedral. "Get us; we appreciate culture." Got it. You have great big beating hearts. I'd like to see them sometime, if you'd stop waggling your fingers in your ears.
At any rate, the clue they have found at the cathedral is a Detour. Phil explains that the choices are Scrub and Scour. In Scrub, you find a trolley depot where you wash a trolley car "inside and out." When it's clean, you get your clue. The other option is Scour, a needle-in-a-haystack Detour taking place at a theater where there are 1500 sets of nesting dolls they will search for one of ten "microscopic clues." Phil says right out that this will be largely luck-based, although not difficult. The clues are not, in fact, microscopic. They are merely small. It looks to me like it would take you at maybe twenty seconds to undo and then redo a set of dolls, so if you have to do that 150 times (average, which you of course might substantially miss in either direction for a variety of reasons), that would be 50 minutes or so, and I have to think you can wash a bus in less than 50 minutes. All other things equal, I do think the bus is the way to go. BJ and Tyler agree with me. Make a note.
Fran and Barry approach the monastery, talking about how beautiful it is. You'll notice they do this by saying it's beautiful, rather than by saying, "Let's look out the window of our taxi and look at how beautiful the monastery is!" But because they go to the wrong entrance, Ray and Yolanda and Lake and Michelle actually get there ahead of them.
And now, it's time for the fanny pack from the first act to go off. In the Danielle/Dani/Eric/Jeremy cab, the girls realize that they don't have their pack. Dani left it back in the changing room. So they have to jump out and try to get another cab and head back to the Roadblock to get it. Unhappily, they get out of the cab as Eric and Jeremy lament this "huge, huge mistake" by the girls. Nothing depresses Eric and Jeremy quite like the potential elimination of a couple of nice asses.
Now, we have a whole crowd of teams converging on the monastery. They finally get inside and find the clue box. As they walk away from the clue box, Eric talks a little quietly and offhandedly as he rips his clue, saying, "This is like, uh, sacred, so." See? That strikes me as less like mugging. I hate to be reduced to complimenting Eric, but there you go. Lake wants to clean the trolley, thinking the nesting dolls could take a really long time. Michelle seems horrified that he wants to clean a bus, although I'm not at all sure why. She's not going to have to lick it clean or anything. The boys and Fran and Barry also want to wash the bus. Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, know right where the theater is, because they passed it, so they're taking the safe route and going back there. It's fairly clear when teams get outside and start talking to drivers that this trolley park is not familiar to any of them. Which makes sense, of course, because it's not a tourist destination, and it's not clear why a taxi driver would have any reason to know that, any more than a cab driver in New York would necessarily know the locations of all the places they keep buses. If you don't have an address and it's not a tourist attraction and it's not even a business the public would use, you've got to wonder what kind of a time you're going to have getting a cab driver who knows how to get there. Lake tells his driver to follow Ray and Yolanda's driver, who knows where he's going, not realizing that Ray and Yolanda are going to the theater, not the trolley depot. You'd think that if you were going to follow, you'd at least make sure you were following to the right place.
Danielle and Dani are finally getting into a cab back to the Roadblock.
Speaking of the Roadblock, remember Wanda? Still not diving. Desiree comes over to her. "You are psyching yourself out," she says. "Are you perfectly capable of doing this? Yes, you are." One of the nearby Russian guys says to the non-fish called Wanda, "Breathe out. Kick down." As the guys nearby cheer rather enthusiastically, Wanda finally dives down and grabs their clue. There is applause all around. As they leave, even though Wanda frustrated the hell out of her at that pool, Desiree is a bit weepy talking about how great her mom did at conquering that particular fear. In last place for the moment -- although it's hard to say whether they really are, since Danielle and Dani still have to come back and leave again -- they leave for the cathedral. As they leave, they see the girls -- whom Desiree refers to as "the pinks" in what I am pretending is totally a shout-out -- approaching. Dani grabs the race bag, or so a highly suspicious and set-up-looking shot suggests. With that taken care of, she and Danielle get on their way again.
Joseph and Monica and Dave and Lori head into the cathedral, where they tear into the Detour clue.
BJ and Tyler are driving around, but they realize that they just made a giant circle while hunting for the trolley depot. They get out and start asking strangers, but nobody knows. Interestingly, Fran and Barry show up at the same place, which either means that one of these drivers followed the other one, or there's something that confused both drivers into thinking this was where they wanted to go, because this is not, in fact, where they need to be. When these teams realize that they have no idea where they are or how to get to where they're going, they bail out and head for the theater. In the cab, Barry grumbles, "Can't get a break." Other than, you know, repeatedly having hours of lost time abruptly erased and having another team manage to be so bad that you being an hour and a half behind doesn't cause you to be out. "Can't get a break," indeed.
Ray and Yolanda are the first team to get to the theater. Lake and Michelle and Eric and Jeremy, both of whom seem to have followed Ray and Yolanda and never actually chosen this option, are behind them. These three teams get inside together, and they discover that the producers have done one of my favorite really diabolical things, which is that there's a band here that's going to play peppy Russian music designed to make you go completely insane while you're trying to methodically search through a few hundred Russian dolls. And it's going to play and play and play, and there is nothing you can do about it. Except suffocate the band with your fanny pack, maybe. It would be tempting. Teams begin to open up dolls, and my concern here would be, I think, keeping track of which ones I'd already checked. They're not arranged in a particularly logical grid or anything, so...boy, oh boy, I would hate this. Also, there are dancers. "Why didn't you guys go to the damn car wash?" Eric asks. "We wanted to!" Michelle comes back. "You said you were going to the car wash," Lake argues back. "We tried to; we were following you guys," Eric says. "It's Ray and Yolanda's dumb idea," says (I think) Jeremy, which is a little bit funny. "You should have picked your own damn Detour," Yolanda says firmly, which is definitely funny. And also correct. They all laugh, because...well, what else are you going to do?
Dave and Lori and Joseph and Monica are still looking for the trolley depot. Wanda and Desiree are at the cathedral, and Desiree says, "It's beautiful!" (See what I mean? About the just appreciating, rather than commenting on the fact that you're appreciating?) They take Scrub, figuring they're good at cleaning. Danielle and Dani are just behind them now. It appears that Danielle and Dani don't hold their cab driver, so when they leave the cathedral, they're going to need a new one. They finally find the clue box and decide to do the Scrub as well. They have trouble, however, because none of the taxis they stop seem to know anything about where the trolley depot, and then it looks like they're having some trouble getting a taxi at all.
Commercials. I think Gillette is heading in the direction of a nuclear razor. It's really all that's left.
When we return, Danielle and Dani are still trying to get a taxi. Finally, they get one who at least claims to know where the trolley park is.
Dolls. Lake refers to one doll as a "rotten mammy-jammer," while Eric propositions the dancers. So everyone is sort of behaving according to his internal script. ["Interesting that Dave is cast as 'The Nerdy Man' when Lake is a way bigger dork-bomb." -- Sars] Finally, Eric manages to get a clue. Well, not like that, because he will never get a clue like that, but, like, a clue for the show. Lake and Michelle get one just after them, and it appears that the clue tells them to go to Red Square and search for Phil. Ray and Yolanda reassure each other they'll find the clue and not to worry. "I have to say," Michelle offers in the cab, "that was way quicker than the car wash."
Speaking of which, Dave and Lori and Joseph and Monica are still searching for said car wash. Wanda and Desiree, however, find the entrance with the red and yellow flag, so their cab driver gets the trophy. Just behind them are Danielle and Dani. So the bit with the trolley depot seems to be the luck of the cab driver, for the most part. Both teams pick buses and head off to fill up their buckets with water. "This has not been a good day," Desiree notes. At least I don't think she's going to have to talk Wanda through the experience of diving into the bucket of sudsy water.
Fran and Barry arrive at the theater with what is becoming their customary grumpiness. They are not a team that wears trailing very gracefully, and they do it a lot, so that's not going so well. Inside, Ray and Yolanda are still hunting. Finally, Ray comments, "That music is, like, playing with my head. I can't find this dang thing." Yep. That's why it's diabolical, and also why it's funny. Finally, Ray finds a clue, which makes him very, very happy. Yay! They leave with the Red Square clue. As they're leaving the theater, BJ and Tyler are arriving. Ray notes in the cab that it's pretty clear that people got lost looking for the Detour locations. Again, this makes him very, very happy. Back inside, Fran says of the doll-hunting, "This is the most frustrating thing I've ever done." Even for a non-cancer-survivor, I would doubt that. "We could have had two trolleys washed already," she complains. Right. But you have to find them first. At this point, it's not going to help to complain, so I'm not sure why she's keeping this up.
Wanda and Desiree and Danielle and Dani are working on washing their trolley cars. Finally, Joseph and Monica and Dave and Lori show up. Finally. So now, there are four teams at the car wash, three teams on the way to Red Square, and two teams bitching and moaning at the theater. Wanda and Desiree seem to be close to being finished washing, but it looks like the top needs a little work.
Dolls. BJ and Tyler find their clue and leave. Fran goes to open another doll, saying, "If it's not in that one, we'll just give up. That's it. Finished." She is the most negative, quitting-oriented racer of all time, arguably, given the stage of the race. I'm not sure how many people have threatened to quit and/or counted themselves out so explicitly in every one of the first three legs. Even Flo made it farther than this before she started griping. I wonder if they're related.
Red Square. Jeremy and Eric are the first ones there. And now, we see Phil, standing on a mat. (Note: "A mat," rather than "the mat.") Lake and Michelle are out of their cab. Both these teams are running. They both search around for quite a while, and then they spot Phil. And first to the mat are...Eric and Jeremy, who call Phil "Big Philly Style." I'd like their ways of addressing Phil a lot more if I didn't think they were keeping them on a crib sheet. "Eric and Jeremy," Phil says, "You are the first team to arrive." They hold. "However," he says, "this leg is still not over, you're still racing, here's your clue." They take it and walk off the mat. This no longer comes as a complete surprise, of course.
And...To Be Continued.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Eric and Jeremy get hit on the head, but it doesn't look like it's going to be as enjoyable as you'd think. Also, Wanda and Desiree start fighting. Boo!