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Welcome back to the show that once was, and it's about damn time. Eleven teams of two, racing around the world! That sounds like a great idea; I wonder why they didn't think of that last season. Anyway, from Denver, everyone heads to Brazil, where they do not bunch for an entire two hours. Instead, they are repeatedly shuffled based on their skills and decision-making. I KNOW! Teams performing well include: Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler, two pairs of guys who are irritatingly image-obsessed and lack self-awareness to exactly the same degree, but in opposite directions; Wanda and Desiree, who are adorable; and David and Lori, who are so adorable that their greatest drawback may be becoming too adorable. Sort of in the middle are Lake and Michelle, because a season entirely lacking in personality disorders just wouldn't be any fun; Joseph and Monica, who are dead to me at the "MoJo" T-shirts; and Ray and Yolanda, who are funny and gorgeous and who I hope will start racing better. Lagging behind for most of the trip to varying degrees: Danielle and Dani, who make some stupid and hate-worthy decisions, but who score big when they find Eric and Jeremy to be charmless tools; Fran and Barry, who discuss their certain Philimination so often that I wind up wishing for it, especially after they stroll by the clue box repeatedly and later declare that perhaps it wasn't there when they were looking for it before; Lisa and Joni, who need to settle down but still amuse me somehow; and John and Scott, who become the first team out after they spend all day either sitting in traffic or bickering unproductively.
Included: Helicopters, running through the airport, taxi drivers who don't speak English, awesome locals, dickweed locals, cultural enrichment, a very hard Detour option that two teams don't even finish, actual strategizing, unsafe driving, and a punk getting screwed because he didn't read the clue. Also, hilarious deployment of the nickname "Scott Peterson." Not included: American history lessons, campers, trailer showrooms, party bikes, really big chairs, evangelizing, picture day, being used as ballast, AOL, and dressing up in historically accurate costumes. The feeling of relief is substantial. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Our Show's Foot! It's Getting Away! Shoot It! Shoot It!: Being forced to dislike a grieving widow, being forced to cheer for a bunch of fratty That Guys, and being forced to abandon deeply held anti-moppet convictions. All part of a little piece of history we like to call Jerry Bruckheimer's New Coke Theater.
The first thing we see is a giant mountain in what appears to be the American west, which makes me instantly afraid that we are going to spend the entire goddamn season at a succession of isolated cattle ranches trying to wring conflict out of obstinate cows and attempting a three-point turn in your grandparents' RV without knocking the "Footprints" wall hanging off the wood paneling. But once we inspect a couple of sweeping vistas, we are in the city, and then there is Phil, strolling it old-school on the roof of a big black building, telling us that we are in Denver, Colorado. Phil explains, for those of you who won prizes at the Ma Weaver Geography Bee, that we are at the base of the Rocky Mountains, and that from here, "eleven teams will embark on a…racearoundtheworld." Only it comes out more like, "racearoundthe-world," because Phil knows that you are pissed off, and he is sorry, because he is no more responsible for the horror that was last season than it is responsible for his pants. He actually looks relatively normal at this point, although they should never put him in those big turtleneck sweaters, because of previously discussed soft-boiled-egg issues.
We now return to the mountain and its winding road, up which the teams are traveling in the backs of pickup trucks. Isn't that exactly the way you are sort of not supposed to ride in a pickup truck? Bumpy terrain, sitting at the edge...this entire thing could have a very early elimination not related to arrival at the mat, if you see my point. The teams are traveling to the starting line, which happens to be at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre, which you may know from a wide variety of live albums, because "Red Rocks" is the coolest thing you can put in your live album title. Except Sin-e.) Aaaanyway, you will be happy to know that each team contains two people. Two! Not two people and another two people, not two people and a bunny, not two people and a member of Congress. Two people. Who know each other. IMAGINE THAT. Perhaps we should meet them.
Lake and Michelle. Hilariously, he's a dentist, which I guarantee you the world's dentists are not happy to hear. They have put years of PR effort into various "we don't hurt you on purpose" campaigns, and now: this guy. I am extra-disposed to hate him, by the way, due to the fact that I spent two hours this week having a broken tooth repaired. On the other hand, I would rather spend two hours with any other dentist while he's acting in his dental capacity than spend two hours with Lake while he's just being a person, I think. He has that weird kind of short, overly neat hair that you know was once a mullet, as well as the generic beard of the overinvested NASCAR fan. He undoubtedly claims to love Metallica, but secretly tears up at "Jesus Take The Wheel." Michelle ordered her hair from the Bake Sale Ladies Of 1984 Collection, and she says that she sees herself as a "typical southern woman," like "Scarlett O'Hara makin' it through the war, she'll do whatever she has to." As if Scarlett O'Hara would have married an overbearing dentist. Interestingly, one of my favorite compliments ever came from a southern guy I know who told me that I would go crazy living in his part of the country. "You're what we'd call an outspoken woman," he said, and I immediately knew I had found the title of my autobiography. Oh, and when Michelle talks about how protective she is of her family, we see a clip of her protecting her son from picking his nose on camera. Save him from himself, Michelle!
For his part, Lake tells us that he has a strong personality and lots of confidence, and that he has no compassion. I have to say, I can't imagine anyone better qualified to drill my teeth. I like my dentists aggressive and devoid of sympathy. He says that there may be people who are threatened by his "drive" and how he's "goal-oriented." This is his mother talking, I'm assuming. ("Oh, sweetie, they're just intimidated by how driven and goal-oriented you are.") He also says that if nobody beats him and Michelle, they'll win. Apparently, before dental school, he took a few courses in logic, and he remembers everything he learned.
Danielle and Dani. They are childhood friends from Staten Island, and they wash their clothes in Pepto. They share their secrets, their dreams, and their hair-frosting specialist. In their interview, which seems to have been shot at some kind of Coyote Fugly bar, they say they'll be racing hard, but they are girls, and they are young, and they like boys. And up to that point, I really have no quibble. They mention that they will be wearing their pink bandannas, and I give total props to the EEFPs who figured out long before I did that the show had started issuing team bandannas. You'd think I would be more observant. Or maybe you wouldn't, but still. Anyway, we see Danielle and Dani rollerblading in miniskirts, making their introduction almost an exact replica of TAR 7's Debbie and Bianca's. The funny part is that they don't rollerblade like they do it very often. I'm not sure it's exactly a regular part of their schedule so much as something some producer thought would look hott in an intro. Then there's a whole "we seem nice, but we're devils" thing, which I always think is aimed at a very narrow stripe of the male demographic that likes its women mean. (A depressingly narrow stripe, I should say.)
BJ and Tyler. Now, they are a problem. I anti-took to them instantly, with an almost evangelical fervor, and then a very awesome woman I know told me that she's sort of friends with one of them, which has created overwhelming cognitive dissonance. For me, the ruffled peach Tony Clifton tuxedo shirt and the furry scarf thing...it's all so affected, and they are everyone I knew and didn't like in college, because I was afraid they would wind up 40 years old and still under the impression that streaking is the highest form of entertainment. Anyway, they've been friends for a long time, and they're from San Francisco, and they "seek the joy in life." See? There it is. There's seeking the joy in life, and then there's telling everyone you seek the joy in life, and doing one of those two things makes you one of two very different kinds of people. When Tyler announces that they are "searchers for the funny and the ironic," and we watch them hanging off the side of a cable car, all clowny and look-at-me, I become instantly exhausted. It's good to appreciate irony, but your entire existence cannot be ironic. Ultimately, if your whole life is one big game of Wouldn't It Be Funny If I Was This Guy!, then you ARE that guy, and I can't relate to you as a theoretical construct. And then there's...swordplay? Yeesh. I feel like in 20 years, they're going to be historical re-enactors, only they'll be reenacting Laugh-In bits instead of the Civil War. They also refer to themselves as "hippie-looking," and I can't really get into that. Hippie is a state of mind, to me, and if you're doing it on purpose, you aren't one.
Ray and Yolanda. He's a lawyer, and she's a teacher, and they're dating. She declares them "athletic" in an interview, and from the jogging footage, it appears that she is not kidding. She also refers to him as "the male version of [herself]," owing to his drive and determination. As they do sit-ups, he voices over that he's from "the 'hood," and that he went to law school to empower himself against a system that often sucks. Boy, that's pretty advanced for a segment of the show that usually features nothing but "We hope people underestimate us!" They are also seen doing lunges with weights, and if you think to yourself upon seeing this, "No, no, no, don't hurt me, Allie Del Rio!" then you and I have something in common.
John and Scott are "lifelong friends." Scott, who looks sort of regular-guy, short-haired and generic in a good way, says that they're so much like family that his father called John "his tallest daughter." To which I say: Shut up, Scott's father. John has that unfortunate thing going on where he has the really enormous head and the really conspicuous lisp, and it is with enormous sympathy that I say I suspect he's been beaten up a lot. He says that he wants to do the race because he doesn't do anything most of the time, and he's afraid of leaves. Oh, wait. No. He's afraid of flying. He's going to overcome his fears, I guess, or else he's going to wind up in even more therapy than I'm thinking he has already had. He certainly doesn't have a fear of overpoweringly large dogs, judging from this introductory footage. John thinks the two of them can do anything, and if not, they're going to die trying. "Or one of us is," Scott adds, patting John on the shoulder. Scott? Totally not kidding.
Joseph and Monica are dating. They bicker, but then they get over it. They are the sort of bland, pretty couple I don't mind a bit as long as there's only one of them, as there is here. It was when they used to cast, like, half the teams from this demographic that it was objectionable. She talks about how competitive he is as we watch them water-skiing. He jumps over her, all flipping around and so forth, so that's impressive. And then he crashes into her and knocks her down and they land in a heap in the water, which doesn't inspire high levels of confidence, necessarily, and which I hope is not metaphorical in any way. "There's no stopping the MoJo," he says. You may have heard a funeral dirge at this point during the episode, and if you did, it was the sound of them becoming dead to me. I despise the entire concept of that nickname. I am a well-established hate-hate-hater of the idea of smooshing names together to come up with things to call couples, and to have people do it to themselves in a way that results in the use of an actual word as farcical as "mojo" is really...off-putting. And I am not loving the sea-foam satin halter top she's wearing in her interview.
And now, Eric and Jeremy. They are your two Dudes. Their discussion to go on the race undoubtedly proceeded thusly: "Dude?" "Dude!" They are a bartender and a valet, but I suspect that their actual occupation is "Unemployment Check Collector." Eric says that they work as little as possible, and they try to mostly hang out at the beach. I have nothing against enjoying your leisure time, but I do have a problem with how edgy they seem to think it makes them. Working enough to handle your financial obligations while reserving as much of the rest of your time for the activities you enjoy is not exactly putting you on the cutting edge of American culture. It's not like the rest of us are getting up and going to the office because we can't think of anything we'd rather be doing. They announce, as if it makes them even more wicked and dangerous, that they'd like to be millionaires, but not by working. Boy, that is a pretty unconventional viewpoint. With the exception of the tens of millions of people who play the lottery and everyone who comes on this show, I can't think of anyone who shares it. I don't really hate them yet; I just find them achingly pedestrian. It would help if I found either one of them even one percent attractive, which I don't. Eric is unsuccessfully fighting a hairline issue, for one thing, which isn't at all disqualifying unless you're still trying to get by on "Dude!" as your manifesto.
Lisa and Joni are sisters of a certain age. They refer to themselves as "Glamazons," because they like tiaras, and they are very tall. Their introductory footage includes the use of a Bedazzler. See, BJ and Tyler, sometimes you don't even have to search for what's funny and ironic. Sometimes it comes to you, with sparkles attached to it. I'm also fascinated by the fact that they leg-wrestle each other. On first glance, I sort of like them.
Fran and Barry. They've been married for 40 years. Fran is wearing a camisole in their interview, which is pretty cool of her, and which I don't blame her for, considering that it looks like she has pretty good guns for a lady who's been married that long. She explains that they "are each other's biggest fans." She promises that they know each other so well that they will read each other's faces and so forth. I'm not wild about the shorts-over-leggings thing she's working in their hiking footage. Barry posits that they are way too bad-ass to play the role of the nice grandparents. Sigh. Well, it's nice to know that the erroneous belief that competitiveness and niceness are mutually exclusive isn't limited to the younger competitors. Barry also claims that they've "competed against younger people all of [their] life." What, so when they were 20, they played Little League? That assertion makes absolutely no sense. Fran claims that they will be "steamrolling" the other teams.
Wanda and Desiree are mother and daughter. Mom is the overly pumped-up freakazoid, daughter is the calming influence. Wanda is a single mom, and she's clearly doing a pretty good job, based on how together and well-spoken Desiree is. Desiree assures us that her mom is not about "frumpy little Christmas sweaters," but is very hip. Except for their reference to how happy they will be if other teams underestimate them (ack!), I almost entirely enjoy their intro clip. The way that Desiree talks about the possibility that other people will think they're just "sexy little tamales" makes it sound to me like they get a certain amount of that -- which I'm sure they do, since they're both lovely and probably hang out together a lot, and the world is full of stupid people. There's a wonderful moment when Wanda says, "We're going to...salsa our way to the pit stop," and Desiree laughs in this wonderful, generous way, reaching over and touching her mom's hands, and you can immediately tell that they really do like each other -- it's not one of those strained, weird "my mom is my best friend" situations.
David and Lori. The theme of their participation is "nerds in love." They're from Kansas, and they've been dating for three years. He refers to them as "in-your-face nerdy," and says it's "one of [their] powers." My favorite moment, though, is when he deadpans into the camera, "She's really great at card games; I'm really great at taking tests." And you could believe that he's serious, which would be very unfortunate, except that he's completely cracking her up. She says it will help them that they're in love, because they respect each other so much. And then she says, "How can you lose when you have Dave on your team?" You sort of have to see all of this as either entirely serious or good-naturedly self-deprecating, and I totally choose the latter. They are so much closer to the kinds of people I would be friends with than anyone else on this show that it's not even funny. I would totally invite them over if they were local. The other thing is that Dave isn't the purely bookish kind of nerd -- if you check CBS.com, you'll learn that Dave is the kind of nerd who's in bands, which is a little different sort of nerd than the astrophysicist type. Arguably, this means Dave is a geek more than a nerd, and possibly a dork more than either of those two, but it doesn't make me like him any less.
The teams get out of their trucks and approach the starting line as Phil gives the traditional "brains, brawn, and teamwork" speech. Of course, BJ and Tyler can't just walk toward the starting line; they have to march, doing their Ministry of Silly Walks routine, because no time is the wrong time to try to focus attention entirely on yourself. That is going to tire me out incredibly quickly. Oh, wait -- it already has. And then Phil looks right into the camera and gives the eyebrow pop. Oh, Phil.
We find Phil at the starting line with the teams. They face him as he stands a few steps above them at the amphitheater. He is explaining that they'll be leaving shortly. He talks about completing tasks, and dividing the race into legs, and the limited amount of money they're going to have and so forth. And at eight of the pit stops, the last team in will be eliminated. But you knew that. They'll start by running over to get their bags and read their clue, and then they'll hop into the waiting cars and go. He doesn't say what kind of cars they are, which gives me hope that while I'm sure there will be plenty of product placement this season, they have not managed to sell space at every possible juncture, meaning maybe we won't get the Doritos Detour and the Cingular Wireless Roadblock, and maybe -- just maybe -- there won't be any logging onto AOL to retrieve clues. Phil tells them that they will not want to forget: winner gets money! There is lots of cheering, including from teams that clearly have about as much chance of winning as I do, despite the fact that (1) I am not in the cast; (2) the race is already over; (3) I am slow; and (4) I have a poor enough sense of direction to have once driven to the wrong city, as I have mentioned. "The world is waiting for you...good luck...travel safe..." More eyebrow poppage. "Go!" Oh, I do love the part where they run by Phil. It's always the part where I am reminded that no matter what they do to fuck up this show, I will still like it, and I will still watch it, and part of me will always be so happy to see it return -- especially from a disaster like last season -- that I almost kiss my remote.
Teams tear up the stairs of the amphitheater until they reach their waiting bags. Ray and Yolanda and BJ and Tyler seem to be the early ones to arrive. They rip the clue, and Yolanda reads that they are flying to Sao Paulo, Brazil. A montage of teams reads that you'll get there and find the Unique Hotel and get another clue. There are three flights. One American, one United, and one Continental. Seats are limited, first-come first-served...you know the drill. And you have $140 for the leg. Teams gradually gather their stuff and go, some complaining about the altitude. Lake immediately takes Michelle's pack, which is not a good sign. Never Flo your own wife.
"God, we're going to Brazil!" Monica says. My sentiments exactly.
Credits. I love how, of all the weird stuff in last season's credits, the only thing they left, practically, is the incongruous monkey. [BOMP.]
We immediately return to BJ and Tyler, congratulating themselves in their car for getting out first. In her car, Monica supposes that perhaps they've taken some time off from smoking pot if they can run that fast. Heh. I mean, of course, they can argue that's an unfair stereotype. Or they could if they hadn't embraced said stereotype to such an embarrassing degree. Really, their best defense against a pot-smoking allegation would amount to passionately declaring that they are posers, so I don't feel that sorry for them. Other teams load up their cars. My personal favorite is Yolanda, who drives off and casually remarks to Ray how you really do feel the altitude. Busy reading the clue, he off-handedly remarks that he's out of breath indeed, to which she responds, "I feel a little blood in the lungs." Ha! Just a little. You know, the lungs are filling with blood, but that's okay!
Eric and Jeremy have a conversation along the lines of, "Dude. This car is awesome." "Dude. I know." Oh, they would. Fran is unhappy with herself for being out of breath, because she already lives in Colorado. As for Wanda, she says, "Fasten your seatbelt! This is going to be a bumpy ride!" Desiree says, "All right, Mom," in this "Yes, Bette, your enthusiasm is awesome; let's read the clue now" kind of way that makes me laugh. John and Scott are in second to last place, and they note that "the Frosties," Lisa and Joni, are behind them. In the Frostie car, it is observed that they have $140 "to probably eat monkey testicles." Which is silly, because you wouldn't have to pay for the monkey testicles out of your own money.
Monica and Joseph pass BJ and Tyler for first place. BJ and Tyler have decided to refer to Joseph and Monica as "Ken and Barbie," which...isn't very good, since it's slightly appropriate to her, but not at all appropriate to him. He isn't Ken-doll-looking at all. A shot of Lake in his car, snapping directions at his wife, reveals that what I dislike about his appearance is that he has the Jerkweed Tuft. You know, he has the short hair, and right at the top of the forehead, there's a spiky little area that sticks up like a stiff paintbrush? That is the Jerkweed Tuft, and remarkably, it's very rare for guys other than jerkweeds to have them. It's partly a function of badly handling hairline issues (why this is coming up twice in one recap, I don't know), but it's also just something domineering men do, for reasons unknown to me.
In Ray and Yolanda's car, they discuss the fact that they've been dating five years, but it's been long-distance the entire time. Which means there should be quotes around "dating," because really, don't even get me started. Yolanda says that this will be the longest they've ever been together at once. Eric and Jeremy pass the time bantering dully about how they're going to take their $140 to a bar and hit on women. Wow, a whole $140? For the two of you to split with the women you're targeting? That ought to be enough to really impress the ladies! I would certainly never refuse to go home with someone who spent an entire $35 trying to pick me up. As they are passed by Danielle and Dani, they comment, "The hos passed us." Oh. Wonderful. You kiss your mother with that mouth, you fucking asshole? They do go on to call the hos "hot," and say that they can't wait to meet them. I don't know if that's a good idea. It's been known to happen that once you talk to women, their value as hos decreases. Danielle and Dani, meanwhile, are not talking about these nimrods, but are instead discussing the fact that they want to go to Brazil. Danielle (I think) also wants a brush and some makeup.
Fran and Barry discuss the fact that the American flight leaves first, so they'll go for that, and if not that, then Continental leaves . Wanda and Desiree are all excited, and refer to their team as Team Boricua. Apparently, it means Puerto Rican, which is news to me, because I know nothing. They pass Fran and Barry, and then they also pass Dave and Lori. Lori isn't worried; they can "speed right on ahead" later. For his part, John worries that they might have to go on small planes, but Scott promises that from Colorado to Brazil, you're probably going to be dealing mostly with large planes. In an interview, Lisa (I think) says that she's almost 50, and she looks forward to the opportunity to "unsheath [her] womanhood." I don't want to get graphic, but I'm not sure womanhood can really be unsheathed. Like, what would you sheath? I do like her speech about how she wants to be herself after being other people's wife/mother/whatever for 20 years, and I get a little bit of a chuckle out of Joni's (I think) declaration that they're representing "the big-boned women of America." Because in their case, it's true.
In the Ray and Yolanda car, he reads aloud from the clue that the tickets on these flights can't be reserved over the phone. Why are they telling you this? Because not so much reading this part of the clue is Lake, who instructs Michelle to pull off the road so that they can find a pay phone and call American. Dude. Reading the entire clue, along with the famous "additional information," is the very first skill. Not the second, but the first. More than aggressively calling airlines, more than anything. Reading the entire clue. They pull off, about which Ray and Yolanda are pretty surprised, since there doesn't seem to be anything that would make you slow down on the way to the airport. Michelle interviews that Lake is so much more sure he's right than she is that it's easy to just let him take over. It's good that she sees that dynamic, but it's bad that she seems to think there's nothing wrong with it.
Joseph and Monica and BJ and Tyler are in the lead as they approach the airport. BJ makes an "anatomically correct" Ken-doll joke that is, like much of what he's going to say during this episode, not as funny as he thinks, as well as badly used up. Fran and Barry pass Desiree and Wanda. Barry uses this opportunity to talk about how they have lots of relevant experience, and they are very fit, so they expect that to help.
Meanwhile, Lake and Michelle get somebody on the phone who allegedly sets them up with the first flight to leave, which is the American flight. I don't know how they even did that or who they talked to, but it apparently never came up that you can't do it this way. As they get back on the road, Lake praises her: "You didn't mess us up at all." Thanks, honey! He is so sweet when he points out that she managed to execute a simple task without doing anything wrong. One other thing: the EEFPs noted very quickly that if you close your eyes, Lake is Dana Carvey doing Ross Perot, and I am very angry with them for pointing it out, because now, it is all I can hear every time he talks.
Joseph and Monica arrive at the parking lot. So do BJ and Tyler. So do Dani and Danielle, but they get on a different shuttle. Into the same shuttle as the lead teams hop Ray and Yolanda. Desiree and Wanda get there, too. This entire bunch parks their cars and climbs onto the shuttle. Dave and Lori and Eric and Jeremy squash on, too, and then Fran and Barry. So that's eight teams that have managed to bunch up at the airport. Monica looks crestfallen that their lead has dropped to zero. , Lisa and Joni come, and then John and Scott. It turns out that Lisa and Joni heard the boys referring to them as the Frosties, and they don't even seem offended. I'm not sure they consider having unnatural hair color to be a state secret. The discussion of this nickname results in a lot of whooping from everyone in the conversation except Scott, who looks a little mortified.
Danielle and Dani are the first to the American counter, where they check on the times, learning that American indeed is scheduled to arrive first, followed by United and then Continental. The second flight and the third flight are flipped in terms of their arrival times, which is a nice complication, but American is still the best. So they get on American.
In Lake and Michelle's car, she announces that they have screwed up as a result of his total failure to read the clue. "Dadgummit," he announces. Somehow, I suspect that if it had been her mistake and not his, something more than "Dadgummit" would have come out of his mouth.
Commercials. Duracell is about saving the rainforest. Seriously.
When we return, Michelle says that they're actually going to have to cancel the tickets they reserved. "I'm sorry," Lake says. "That was...partially my fault." Well, sure. He was only the one who had the clue, didn't read it, and made the decision. She was the crazy bitch who dialed.
The multi-team shuttle finally gets to the terminal. Because it's right there, Erica and Jeremy, Dave and Lori, and Desiree and Wanda stop at the Continental counter to check on the flights.
BJ and Tyler, meanwhile, go straight to American, where they find Dani and Danielle. Fran and Barry follow, and then Joseph and Monica and Ray and Yolanda. Some introductions follow, and I'm kind of grossed out when BJ and Tyler ask if they can call the women "Double D." With women you just met? I just think that's unforgivably tacky. You can't go up to women you don't know and ask them if you can call them a name based on your opinion of their breasts. It's not appropriate. I mean, the girls say, "Yeah, everyone does," and it's very patient of them, but the thing is...you don't really leave them a choice when you ask them that. You force them to either give you permission to call them a name that's pretty vulgar, or to take the role of No-Fun Girls and tell you that you can't. It's such a trap, the whole "Can I make a joke out of you?" business. If you say no, you're getting the "humorless bitch" eye-roll, and if you say yes, you're a doormat.
The group waiting at Continental gets the lowdown on the arrival times, and they learn that they are at the worst possible counter. They all take off for American.
Elsewhere, Lisa and Joni and John and Scott visit Continental as well, but Lisa and Joni don't know how to play this game, so they immediately ask for their tickets on Continental.
At the American counter, the refugees from Continental realize that there are probably already far too many teams here. Eric and Jeremy head for United, and Desiree urgently whispers to her mother that they should do the same, since if they don't get on United, they'll be stuck on the last flight to go, and that won't be good. That's a good move -- she's a player, that one. Dave and Lori have exactly the same thought. And then, even though Ray and Yolanda got there with the first group, she begins to think the same thing -- there won't be room for five teams on the first of three flights. They also head for United, but now they're behind the curve.
BJ and Tyler make it onto American. Monica is already fretting and near tears. Wow. Pace yourself, dear. You can almost see Joseph's spine tingling as he realizes that he doesn't really want to do a month of this. Fran and Barry get on American as well. With all the tickets gone, Joseph and Monica leave for United.
In line for United, the Nerd Love Theme plays as Dave and Lori talk. "How're you doing?" she asks. "I'm great," he says. "Gimme a kiss," she says, and he leans down and gives her a modest smooch. "I love you," she says. "I love you, too," he volleys back. She fans herself with her ticket and says, "I'm really hot." "Yeah," he says, and then he pauses. "Yeah you are." "Thanks," she says all mock-sheepishly. Hee. Hee hee.
Eric and Jeremy are the first to get their tickets on United. Lisa and Joni, meanwhile, have gotten their tickets on Continental without even checking the other flights, which is not a good sign, and which they immediately realize was stupid. John and Scott decide to at least try United. And there's certainly nothing to lose at this point.
Elsewhere, Lake and Michelle are finally at the airport, and when she mutters, "It's over," he says to her, "Shut the fuck up." Now, there is exactly one kind of guy who is allowed to snarl "shut the fuck up" to me, and that's a guy who thinks it's all right for me to snarl "shut the fuck up" to him. I suspect that Lake is not that guy, even though I have no patience for "it's over," either. They go to American and find nothing available. Underestimated the other teams a little bit, I think.
Desiree and Wanda book themselves on United. Dave and Lori are still behind them, and then John and Scott, and then Ray and Yolanda. Dave and Lori make the United flight just as a dejected Joseph and Monica finally arrive there. They quickly realize that they are probably not getting on this flight either. Scott and John get on United, but they're the last ones. Therefore, Ray and Yolanda, Monica and Joseph, and Lake and Michelle all are running for Continental. Lake has decided that they have to get to the last flight first, so he yells at Michelle to run. When she points out that she is running, he tells her, "That black girl can outrun you." Now, I'm not one to necessarily assume racism from referring to someone as "that black girl," because identifying characteristics are identifying characteristics, and sometimes they are just a cigar. On the other hand, it's so unnecessary in this case, you know? If you need to explain that you're talking about her and you don't know her name, maybe. But specifically calling out, essentially, "You'd better beat that black girl to the other counter!" to your wife strikes me as fundamentally different in a way that grosses me out. Not racist, necessarily, but defiantly tin-eared, with a fuck-you sort of "I temper my speech for no man" kind of attitude. It's just not necessary. Joseph doesn't understand why people are running, because it's the last flight anyway. There is the "sit near the front" argument, but at this early stage, that is very, very unlikely to matter.
At the Continental counter, Ray asks Lake his name. "Lake, man," Lake responds. And then he adds, "Like the ocean." Can I just say that if I had been named "Lake" my entire life, I think I would have noticed that a lake is not like the ocean? A lake is practically nothing like the ocean, except that they both are bodies of water. You couldn't say "like Lake Michigan," or "like a boat on the lake," or "like you swim in a lake"? You have to say "like the ocean"? Whatever. Ray has my back, because he effortlessly responds, "Ray. Like the sun." It's sad that he came up with his response in five seconds and it's better and more accurate than the one that Lake uses for himself. Anyway, these couples get their Continental tickets, followed by Joseph and Monica.
Phil explains that on the American flight, we have Danielle and Dani, BJ and Tyler, and Fran and Barry. The Continental flight due to get in last carries Lisa and Joni, Lake and Michelle, Ray and Yolanda, and Joseph and Monica. The flight scheduled to come in between the other two carries Eric and Jeremy, Dave and Lori, Wanda and Desiree, and John and Scott. The Amazing Map shows the Amazing Green, Blue, and Red lines making their way from Denver to Brazil. It's an explosion of creativity, like even the graphics department is so fucking happy that they don't have to just trace interstates this time. Phil voices over that "delays in connecting cities have changed arrival times." He reminds us that once they get there, they'll need to get to the roof of the Hotel Unique. (Also known, apparently interchangeably, as the Unique Hotel.) Look, Sao Paulo has shoeshine people and dancing. Take that, Salt Lake City!
The first flight to arrive is the United flight, which lands at 10:15. Teams run for cabs. As Wanda and Desiree hustle into a cab, observers will note that Wanda's knowledge of Spanish is clearly going to be of great benefit to them for the little bit here. She tells us that she speaks Spanish, of course, and a little Portuguese as well. "We're going to get along like peas and carrots," she says. Wait, is that a thing? Is that where Keith Famie got it? I thought he was just twee and into vegetables.
Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy try to get their cab driver to tell them whether he saw other teams leaving. "Did you see pretty girls with big boobs? Or a mom and a daughter?" The driver doesn't answer. "What color hair did they have?" they ask him. "Brown," he answers. "Mom and daughter," Eric observes. "They're a couple of minutes ahead of us." He pauses. "Bitches." Now, I get that he thinks this is funny. The problem is that in the context of already having called Dani and Danielle "hos" when he hadn't even met them, it's just not that funny. Also, it's fascinating that he identifies Dani and Danielle as "pretty girls with big boobs," and he apparently paid no attention to the fact that Desiree is substantially better-looking than either of them, and that their boobs, while not small, are not distractingly large or anything. Which isn't a knock on them, even -- it's just me noting that sometimes, who gets labeled "pretty" by a certain type of guy has a hell of a lot to do with a hell of a lot of things other than actually being pretty. Like...they're more Pretty Girls than they are girls who are pretty, you know?
John and Scott get their cab, followed by Dave and Lori.
Five minutes after the United flight, at 10:20 AM, the American flight lands. In a cab, Tyler laments that their flight was delayed, so they figure they're a couple of minutes after the United flight. Which is exactly true. BJ goes on to say that they learned some helpful Portuguese phrases. He proceeds to compliment their driver and then ask him to pass another car, which he does. It borders on charming that they're so surprised and delighted when they use Portuguese and it actually works -- kind of like guys making a radio out of a potato and being shocked when they can tune in a station. But I still don't think I like them. Dave and Lori note that Tyler and BJ seem to be just ahead of them (they are apparently in the car that was passed), so they realize that perhaps the boys were delayed on the first flight. Fran and Barry get on their way, and then Dani and Danielle. So the girls were first to the American counter, and out of the two groups of teams on the first two flights, they're now last. Oh, fortune. Their driver asks them if they're celebrities, and they assure him that they are. I probably would, too.
At 10:55 AM, the Continental flight arrives. Joseph and Monica get the best jump. So I guess all that angling to be first to the counter wasn't very effective, was it, Lake-Like-The-Ocean? Lake and Michelle are , and Lake wants to "beat Ray and them." At least he didn't say "that black girl." Joseph and Monica get going, and then the other teams follow. Lake and Michelle, Ray and Yolanda, Lisa and Joni. Joni (I think) is sad to learn that Spanish is not the same thing as Portuguese. "I thought, like, Spanish was the universal language of the world," she says. And...I'd give that one a pass, because it's not completely absurd to think you could use Spanish in Brazil, even though it's wrong. At least she admits it, unlike people who yell "rapido, rapido" in China and use the word "fast-o" just about everywhere.
First to pull up to the Unique Hotel are Desiree and Wanda. The hotel is...well, it's unique, I'll say that. They get inside and find their way to the elevators that take them to the roof. Up on the roof, they first note the amazing view, and then grab the clue. The clue tells them to take a cab three miles across Sao Paulo to Viaduto Santa Efigenia, a historic bridge where their clue is located. Eric and Jeremy get there , and then John and Scott. Wanda and Desiree are leaving as these guys, along with BJ and Tyler, are arriving. Now, those of you with TiVo: Is it my imagination, or when Wanda and Desiree get off the elevator at the bottom, does Wanda say, clear as day, "Oh, shit, somebody's here"? Because it certainly sounds like it to me, no matter how many times I listen to it. BJ wants to know if they got the clue already, and Wanda says they did. She asks in turn if the American flight was delayed, and he confirms. Eric and Jeremy read their clue and head down, with John and Scott close behind. They read and leave, BJ and Tyler read and leave. Dave and Lori are just arriving, and in the cab, she does another "Give me a kiss," which he does. Fran and Barry are still in their cab, and he's feeling more patient than she is. As they get to the hotel, they run into the departing Eric and Jeremy (though they're unfortunately not in their taxi at the time -- hotcha!).
Dave and Lori open their clue, then Fran and Barry. Danielle and Dani arrive , and Eric and Jeremy are still standing around when they get there. Eric calls them "Pinkies." He then says, "That's Jeremy, and I'm Eric, by the way." "Hi Jeremy and Eric I'll see you later" one of the women says indifferently as she blows by, following this contact that these guys have waited and waited for. And: ha! John and Scott leave , and BJ and Tyler, and Eric and Jeremy. As Fran and Barry get in their cab and Dave and Lori get in theirs, Lori announces somberly, "It's time for the handshake." Because indeed, they have a secret handshake. It's so stupid that it makes her cackle with embarrassed delight, and that's why it doesn't bug me. Dave interviews that he loves Lori like crazy. "And, uh, nerds rule," he adds. Hee. They're very appealing, I think.
Danielle and Dani open their clue. When they're back in the cab, one of them does a dorky imitation of Eric and Jeremy introducing themselves. At the end, she adds, "Shut up." Awesome. It's interesting; I don't really dislike them, at least not yet. And then when Dani (I think) tells Danielle (I think) about how Eric called them "pinkies," Danielle mutters, "Retards." Which I officially do not condone at all.
Wanda and Desiree arrive at the bridge. They are followed by BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy. Fran and Barry are close behind, and then Dave and Lori.
John and Scott, on the other hand, are in taxi hell, and they are beginning to think their driver actually has no idea where this bridge is. When Scott isn't adequately upset over the delay, John says, "Scott, you've gotta get your edge up." I'm not sure John has "edge" so much as "whine." Joseph and Monica get their clue on the roof, followed by Lake and Michelle. As Lake runs through the hotel, he says, "Hey, did a black team just come through here?" He really needs to shut up. Ray, elsewhere, is asking their driver whether they're getting close to the hotel. Yolanda gently cautions him to "be nice." He says he is being nice. "How would you feel if you had a big black man sitting behind you, talkin' about, 'Are we close?'" They both laugh. I love her. She's adorable. (She was also the subject, along with Desiree, of the text message I received halfway through this episode that declared, "There are two spectacularly hot women on this show, and neither of them has a single blonde hair.") They get their clue.
Lisa and Joni are last. They go up on the roof and collect their clue.
On the bridge, Desiree spots the clue, and she and Wanda go directly to it. Incidentally, Desiree is indeed almost impossibly gorgeous, and she's even really stylish, with the exactly-right sunglasses and everything. She reads the clue, which is for a Detour. The choices are Motorhead and Rotorhead. Motorhead involves going to a motorcycle shop and assembling a motorcycle, using a finished one for reference. Zoiks. Rotorhead is more logistically complicated. In that one, you go to a little airport where you look up one of three buildings in a flight directory and ask to be taken there. When you get to your building, you land on the roof and look for a clue in the building somewhere. There are, however, three buildings differing distances away, and there are limited trips to each one. So if you look up the nearest one and the tickets to that one are all gone, you have to go back and look up another one.
Desiree tells her mother that they should take the Rotorhead, because neither one of them knows anything about putting together a motorcycle. And: seriously, if that's not your thing, it's going to be very complicated if you have to get it all the way to where it could be kick-started. I have enough trouble putting my Dustbuster back together after I empty it. They take off for the airport. BJ and Tyler do the same. Eric and Jeremy, too. Fran and Barry are on the bridge, but they don't spot the clue box. Lori does, though. She and Dave also choose Rotorhead. Not so much with the motorcycle assembly, the nerds. In fact, I think that would get you kicked out of the band. Well, the kind of band I think Dave is in.
And now comes the most inexplicable part of the episode, as Fran and Barry start walking all over the bridge, not seeing the clue box. Which looks exactly like every other race clue box, and which is right where you'd think it would be, up against the railing. What's not to see? I guess with one person, I could understand a sort of mental blackout, but how do two people not see it? Anyway, the camera guy gets his jollies here by grabbing various shots of Fran and Barry walking right past the clue box. I mean, they're literally so close to it that they almost are bumping into it. And it's not that inconspicuous. It's a foot or so out from the edge of the bridge, and it's on a flat stand that they almost have to walk around in order to miss it. It has a big red stripe down the middle.
Commercials. Okay, I think this Volkswagen commercial was written by Paula Abdul.
We return to Sao Paulo, where Fran and Barry are saying that they've been up and down and they can't find the clue box anywhere. They claim to have been looking for half an hour. We watch them walk by it...again. They note the departing Wanda and Desiree. BJ and Tyler are also leaving. In the cab, Desiree tells Wanda to chill out. "You're getting flustered," she says, having clearly seen this a few times in her life. She tells us in an interview that her mother does have a tendency to lose it, so her job will be to keep everything focused. Eric and Jeremy, meanwhile, meet up with BJ and Tyler on the way out, and those two teams sort of leave together, followed by Dave and Lori.
Danielle and Dani get to the bridge, where they run into Fran and Barry. "We don't see it," Barry declares to them. It appears to take Danielle and Dani about ten seconds to find it once they get to the bridge, but unfortunately, Fran and Barry didn't stay with them, which is what I would have done by this point. Follow somebody else. At least you won't be left behind by yourselves. The girls decide, apparently with little discussion, to do Motorhead. I guess one of them thinks that she can...assemble a motorcycle? I don't know. They seem to be thinking they're going to be able to do it, seriously, so maybe they have secret mechanical knowledge I'm not aware of. They're surprised as they leave that Fran and Barry had so much trouble finding the clue box. Since it's...you know, right out there like that.
John and Scott, who were near the front of the pack fairly recently, are now dropping through the ranks like a rock, apparently due at least in part to their cab driver not knowing where he's going. John wants to get out and walk.
Wanda and Desiree get to the airport, but they hit the wrong entrance and have to turn around. BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy think they're at the airport, but it turns out they're not.
Dave and Lori seem to be the first ones to the right entrance, so they find the little book and start looking up buildings. BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy soon follow. Dave and Lori overhear that the other teams are all looking for the closest building, so they decide to avoid the crowd by looking up the second building. BJ and Tyler find the building first, but they have so much trouble finding the dispatcher they need to talk to -- and apparently they weren't so prepared as far as having read the clue -- that they wind up being outmaneuvered by Eric and Jeremy, who are officially the first to get going on the Rotorhead Detour. Dave and Lori have found the second-closest, which is Atrium V, so all these three teams are on their way.
Wanda and Desiree finally get in through the right entrance, and they wind up choosing the farthest building. As Desiree explains it, they saw that it was the farthest, but it was the first one they found in the book. It's not impossible that that's a good choice, since the farthest one is only a couple of miles farther than the nearest one, and you could easily spend a lot of time flipping around in a book, to the point where it wouldn't pay off. Again, I think Desiree has good racing skills, and she also seems to have the ability to consider the options and then decide something, which is something that sometimes hangs up lesser teams. They take off in fourth position, of helicopter-detour people.
Danielle and Dani are arriving at the motorcycle shop. As soon as they get out of the cab, they start demanding that one of the guys who's standing around come in and help them. They grab one and draft him with a big kiss, but I have no idea why they think he's necessarily going to know how to put together a motorcycle. It doesn't come with the penis, you know. They drag the guy inside, but he still doesn't have any idea how to put together a motorcycle. Finally, he leaves in this way that's sort of hilariously anticlimactic. They begin to talk about whether they're actually capable of putting this thing together. They have chosen poorly, as the Twinkly Music Of Idiocy that plays throughout this scene is eager to tell you.
Joseph and Monica get to the bridge, and when they find the box, Fran and Barry finally spot it by following them. Both teams get their clues. Joseph and Monica choose Rotorhead, but Fran decides that because she's good at assembling things, they should do the motorcycle. My favorite part is that as they're leaving, Fran says, of the clue box they missed, "I don't think it was there before." I hate it when clue boxes spontaneously arrange themselves out of loose atoms, don't you? Both of these teams get cabs for the airport.
Lake and Michelle and Ray and Yolanda get up onto the bridge. In what is literally my favorite moment of the entire episode, Joseph looks out of his taxi and sees Lake and Michelle running toward the clue box. "Oh. There is Scott Peterson, right there," he says. That is so mean and so understandable. Because it's a horrible, horrible thing to say, but it's exactly the kind of thing that some of my very favorite people would say in the same situation. Or at least I hang out with them partly because I hope they would. Anyway, Lake and Michelle get their clue, and they pick Motorhead, with him saying that he can put it together. In the cab, she laments, "I've never put anything together, ever." He comes back with, "Don't second-guess it, or we won't go there." It's very "Don't complain, or you'll get no dessert." "Do what you want," she says. And then he gets mad again, and orders, "Don't second-guess me." Booooo. They are not going to be fun to watch.
Ray and Yolanda pull their clue and they pick Motorhead. They leave in their cab. Lisa and Joni, however, are still sitting in their cab on the way to the bridge. "What's that smell?" one of them asks. And then, in a non-stage whisper, "Did you fart?" The other denies it. (And you know what that means.) And then, "Is it the city?" See, I don't have that much trouble with that, because I think she was legitimately trying not to be heard. Damn sensitive microphones.
John and Scott, too, are still in their cab, and they have lost all confidence that their driver knows where he's going. Or at least John has. They get out of the cab, which is a very, very dangerous thing to do, and the thing you know, John is stopping strangers on the street to get directions to where he needs to go. Ooh, bad move. Especially since he can't seem to get any help. He stops to bother a melon huckster on the street, and when the huckster waves him off, John gets all pissy. The thing is, the melon guy is working. In fact, he appears to be in the middle of helping someone. You need to either stop people who aren't working, or you need to wait until the guy has a free minute. You can't just walk up and interrupt a businessperson in the middle of a transaction and think he's going to be thrilled, you know? John tells Scott that they have to go somewhere else. Scott wants to know where. John says they're going "somewhere other than this." That does not sound like much of a plan, I feel obligated to say. Scott tells John to chill out. And the chilling out is not going to happen.
Commercials. I can't believe Scott Foley is a bad-ass now. Whose idea was that? He's totally going to be the one who stops in the middle of The Unit's mission to talk about his feelings.
When we return to Brazil, John and Scott are still lost, and Scott is now saying that time, they should really stay in the cab in a situation like this. John insists that Scott has to come up with an idea, and Scott gently repeats that his idea was that they stay in the cab. This does not seem to satisfy John. You can tell that Scott has dealt with John a lot from the way he doesn't hit him.
Lisa and Joni, also in traffic. They discuss how insane the traffic and the crowding are, and the fact that in all likelihood, these people wouldn't be any more comfortable where they live. Probably true. Lots of people in Brazil don't even have tiaras.
Eric and Jeremy's helicopter takes them over the city, as does BJ and Tyler's. They are aware of each other, these teams. Both are headed for the Close Building, but Eric and Jeremy will get to land first. As they touch down, BJ and Tyler note that they will have to wait. Eric and Jeremy are clue-hunting as BJ and Tyler land. Jeremy (I think) finds the clue, and he and Eric read it. It tells them to go to the neighborhood of Santa Cecilia and find a warehouse at a particular address. When they get there, they'll participate in a religious ceremony that, based on the clip, involves dancing and snakes. Everyone else's religion always seems like so much more fun than your own, doesn't it?
Eric and Jeremy pass BJ and Tyler on the way out of the building. "Hey"s are exchanged. BJ and Tyler grab their clue. As Eric and Jeremy take off, BJ and Tyler agree that they are "good guys." That's their wacky vocabulary at work. As they wait for their helicopter, Tyler turns to BJ and says, "Dude, is this the most James Bond thing you've ever done?" "It's pretty James Bond," BJ agrees. (James Bond: "Oh, bite me. Come back when you're hanging from a ladder dangling out of the bottom of the helicopter rather than being flown around like Grand Canyon tourists.") They get in their helicopter and leave.
Elsewhere, the Nerd Love Theme plays as Dave and Lori enjoy the flight. They arrive at the Middle Building. They skip down into the building and grab their clue for Santa Cecilia. As they wait to leave, she talks about how cool it was to be in the helicopter over the city. They're just happy, and I can't not like that.
Wanda and Desiree are enjoying their flight, and they are now landing at the Faraway Building. It turns out to be a hotel so pretty that they can't stop talking about how gorgeous it is. Desiree thinks it should be the pit stop. I think I would, too. Desiree finds the clue, and they leave, still in fourth place, so they didn't lose a place, at least. As they wait to leave, Mom starts to wig, so Desiree does a sort of chill-out fan dance, chanting, "Calmate, calmate, calmate." Heh. Their copter comes and they leave. They think the ride was awesome, too.
Monica and Joseph are in their cab, approaching the airport. They seem to be having some issues with their driver, whom Joseph has taken to insistently addressing as "amigo." I don't think that's a great idea. Their driver starts to try to turn around, and their level of stress cranks to the level. This is where you get your hand-in-the-hair, fret-in-a-taxi scene, obligatory in any tense premiere episode. "He's killin' us," Joseph mutters.
Commercials. I don't think I need that guy whose password is "Big Boy."
When we return, Joseph and Monica are still trying to get to the airport. Now, Joseph is calling the driver "bro," so I think things are even worse. Yesterday's "amigo" is today's "bro" and tomorrow's "asshole."
Danielle and Dani are in the motorcycle shop, suffering the consequences of choosing a task on the apparent belief that they could find a guy to do it for them. They are trying, though, and having no success. One of them (I really can't tell them apart yet at all) says they should just go to the other Detour. Yes! Usually not, but in this situation, yes. Just then, Fran and Barry pull up, and when they go inside, they encounter Danielle and Dani, who are packing up to leave. They tell Fran how very, very hard the motorcycle-assembly business is. I have to say, I'm conflicted, because I don't entirely dislike the girls, but I have this thing about people with words on their asses and people who beg for help before even trying.
As Fran starts in on the motorcycle, Team Word-Ass (ew) watches for a minute to see if she's going to get it quickly. When they see that Fran and Barry don't immediately do any better than they did, they wisely pull it together and leave. I'm not impressed with them for picking this Detour, but they have the right idea knowing when to cut bait in this situation. They grab a taxi for the airport.
Lake and Michelle, meanwhile, are yelling at each other on the way to the motorcycle shop. He makes some crack to her about how she knows he's "good with [his] hands." Pfft. Just a hint, dude: using them to applaud yourself does not constitute being good with your hands in the eyes of women. On this, women the world over agree. They arrive at the shop to find Fran and Barry still struggling. Lake starts in on the motorcycle, and he appears, wonder of wonders, to know what he's doing. Barry comes over to spy on what they're doing, which is kind of borderline, and Lake says, "If y'all don't get it, I'll show you where it goes when we get ours done." Michelle scolds quietly that he can't help somebody who's that close behind, but Lake insists that it won't hurt them, and this might make Fran and Barry help them later. Lake and Michelle keep working; Fran says, "I honestly didn't think it would be this hard."
Ray and Yolanda arrive at the motorcycle shop . They start on a bike that, rather than being inside the shop, is out on the street. As they work, a crowd of maybe 15 guys gathers and watches them, intermittently laughing at them and catcalling about how hot Yolanda is. Ray turns around to shoot a death glare when the comments get louder and the whistling starts. Incidentally, we've heard a lot on the forums this week about how this is much more common in Brazil, women aren't bothered by it, blah blah blah. I don't care. If you don't know the woman, you have no right to assume she wants you to shout about her ass in public. Even assuming it is cultural, there are cultures where lots of things are commonplace that aren't acceptable. "Common" doesn't equal "okay" in other countries any more than it does here. Furthermore, when her body language and facial expressions make it clear that she doesn't like it, and when the guy she's with is turning around and making it clear he wants you to shut up? You shut up. I'm confident most people in Brazil know this as well as anyone else; this is just a gathering bunch of assholes, of whom about three are probably making most of the noise.
John and Scott, meanwhile, are still looking for the bridge, having given up their taxi and now lacking both transportation and direction. Lisa and Joni are out of their cab and asking directions as well. John and Scott get to the clue first, and they choose the helicopters. Lisa and Joni see the boys as they go to find the clue. John reminds us in an interview that he's so afraid of flying that he's flown only once in eight years. He also notes in the cab that it certainly seems like they and Lisa and Joni are the last two teams. Elsewhere, Lisa and Joni find the clue and scream. They go for the helicopters. Yeah, I don't see them as motorcycle assemblers. They also yell in the cab, although it seems to be an offshoot of a "fat lady singing" joke.
In their helicopter, Eric and Jeremy decide to quiz their helicopter pilot about how many "girls" he manages to get because of his job. The pilot tells him it's not that great, girl-wise. I'm telling you, these guys are the reason why it's no fun to tend bar in Mazatlan. They land, and they run off to look for a cab. They head for Santa Cecilia. BJ and Tyler soon follow, and as they're leaving, Joseph and Monica are arriving. The greeting is cordial, and in the cab, BJ and Tyler talk more about how much they loved the ride.
Joseph and Monica bicker about which building to choose as they look at the little guidebook, but they eventually choose Atrium V, which is the Middle Building. They get excited about the helicopter ride. As they're leaving, Dave and Lori are landing, after exchanging "I love you"s and a little smooch. Once again, that smooch isn't taking place in public -- it's in the back of a helicopter, and if I were in a helicopter over Sao Paulo with someone I was in love with, you can bet your ass I would get kissed.
Wanda and Desiree and Dave and Lori land at about the same time. So it really seems like picking the far building didn't hurt Desiree and Wanda at all. Monica and Joseph are taking off. Dave and Lori get a taxi, and when they're in the back, they chat and giggle about taking a helicopter around Sao Paulo, and how they'll "remember that forever." Aw. Desiree and Wanda get their taxi to Santa Cecilia.
Monica and Joseph get to Atrium V, and they find the clue. They take off again, hooting the entire time over how cool the trip was.
Fran and Barry have absolutely no idea what to do about their motorcycle. Lake and Michelle, on the other hand, are cruising. "So, we could easily be eliminated," Fran says. Ugh. As he works on screwing something, Lake hollers, "Don't be my demise!" He really is an archetype, isn't he? Michelle puts her hand on his shoulder and says, "Calm down." And he comes back, "WHY?" Because this isn't productive and you're making a spectacle of yourself, dipwad, why else? Barry, meanwhile, says, "I can't believe this would be the thing that would do us in." "And we picked the worst piece of crap here," Fran says, as if it would have mattered which unassembled motorcycle they chose. Yes, they have the bad pile of loose parts.
Ray is still assembling. The crowd is still full of jackasses. Inside, Fran and Barry are still fretting and doing nothing, and Lake and Michelle are almost finished. "We are really up the creek here," Fran says to Lake. He tells her, "I'm going to show you where it is as soon as he gets me checked." Lake's bike starts up, so they start to leave. When he gets his clue, Lake leans over Fran and Barry's bike. He explains to them where the carburetor goes. "Yeah, but we don't know what to do with this," Fran complains, indicating something. "Spark plug," Barry fills in. "The spark plug goes at the top of the engine," Lake offers. "I don't know what the engine is," Fran says.
So let me get this straight. You took a clue that requires you to assemble a motorcycle from parts, despite the fact that you cannot look at a motorcycle and identify the engine? Good thinking.
"The engine is the center part," Lake says. Finally, he and Michelle leave. "I thought he was going to show us," Fran complains when they're gone. By which she apparently means very nearly that she thought Lake was going to do it for them, because...seriously, they didn't even have anything close to the basic knowledge required to do this task, and they could have known that going in. ["Also: Raaaaaace, Fran. Lake helped you more than he should have as it was. Eyes on your own paper." -- Sars] Lake and Michelle leave for Santa Cecilia, noting outside that Ray and Yolanda are almost done.
Fran, inside, says, "This could be our downfall. This could be it. This is it." Bleh. He tells her flat-out he doesn't know how to do it, and she says she doesn't either, and she had figured that she'd be able to do it if she could see one. "We're going to be eliminated," she says. Boooooo!
Commercials. Mm, IHOP.
We come back, and it's still Fran and Barry, and they still don't know what they're doing. They're frozen, essentially, unable to act, which is the one wrong thing to do -- or the most wrong thing to do. They finally decide to bail and go to the other Detour. Fran is muttering about how Lake said he would show them, and as much as I don't like Lake, that's bullshit. He said he would show them where "it" was, and he certainly told them where a couple of different things went. He's not going to put the entire thing together for you, you know? It's too much to expect that's going to happen. They leave, passing Ray and Yolanda, who I think don't realize Fran and Barry are bailing, not being done. In the cab, Fran goes on about how sick to her stomach she is, and how they made this huge mistake. She also says she thought there would be "plans." If the clue said anything like what Phil said, there wasn't any promise of plans, just a finished bike to use as a model. "Now, for sure, we're going to be last," she declares. And now, for sure, I hope so.
Airport. Danielle and Dani look up Atrium V. Which they refer to as "Atrium Five," which is interesting, because I have no idea whether that's the kind of "V" it is or not, but it's a decent guess. As they're leaving, they see Monica and Joseph returning. Monica sees them, too, and she's happy to know she's ahead of them. John and Scott finally arrive at the airport, but they have come to the wrong entrance as well, so they have to try again. Monica and Joseph get a cab and leave the airport. Lisa and Joni are arriving, and they pass Monica and Joseph and call out to them. As the sisters come in to look up a building in the guide, they collapse into a mess of "Oh my gawwwwwd" that really doesn't bear repeating. Fran and Barry then arrive at the airport, happy to see that they aren't alone in last place. Lisa and Joni take note of the arrival of someone else behind them, and aren't happy at all. For the benefit of others, Joni loudly proclaims, as if reading a clue, "Wrap a big load of turds…" I thought that was kind of funny, actually. I'm not sure why, but I did.
So now, Lisa and Joni are finding their building, Fran and Barry are just behind them, and John and Scott are driving in the right entrance. Upon seeing someone else behind them in addition to Fran and Barry, Lisa and Joni go into an absolute screaming fit that is just not necessary. Screeching is never appropriate. John and Scott come up to the books to look, and when Lisa and Joni get their ticket for Atrium V, they scream again. It's like...they kept this under control for most of the leg, but here at the end, they are totally losing it. Joni announces that she has just wet herself. That's helpful. Fran and Barry look upon this spectacle with great distaste. The sisters scream all the way to the helicopter. Oy.
John and Scott, Fran and Barry, looking for buildings. Fran and Barry find the Closest Building, and they get that ticket. So it seems that people gave up too easily, since the very nearest building wasn't even out of tickets yet. Lisa and Joni take off screaming, and they're followed by Fran and Barry while John and Scott keep hunting. Fran and Barry are all grinning in the helicopter, and I just can't be that happy for them, because I really, really hate the whole "we're going to be eliminated" routine. After the failure to see the clue box and the bad Detour choice and the defeatist whining, they deserved to be eliminated more than anyone, as far as I'm concerned.
John and Scott bicker over the guidebook, and they ultimately settle on Atrium V. But when they get to the counter, they learn that Atrium V has been exhausted. So they have to look again for another building. They're pretty sure they're last. Well, you are for the moment.
We come back to find John and Scott finally locating the Far Building, and that one does have a ticket available, so they board their helicopter. For a guy who's this afraid of flying, John certainly takes this in stride.
Santa Cecilia. Eric and Jeremy are looking for the ceremony. They find the building, as BJ and Tyler approach. Eric and Jeremy are the first to go inside at the ceremony and hug the lady with the snake. They do not refer to her as a "bitch" or a "ho," probably because they don't secretly want to sleep with her and know they have no chance. They light their candle and collect their clue. BJ and Tyler are close behind. These two teams, in first and second place, leave for the pit stop, which Phil explains is two and a half miles away, at the local soccer stadium. Soccer is very popular in Brazil, you know. Last team to the mat will be eliminated.
Dave and Lori find the ceremony . They light their candle. They leave for the pit stop. Wanda and Desiree follow. Wanda loves the dancing and drumming, which is part of why she's so awesome. They leave.
Ray and Yolanda are just about done with their motorcycle. Ray is still fuming over all the catcalling, and Yolanda is taking some comfort in his discomfort, sort of, and is trying good-naturedly to laugh it off. When the bike finally starts, they get their clue and leave. That took some time, it seems. They get a taxi to Santa Cecilia.
Danielle and Dani land at Atrium V. They find their clue inside the building, rip it, and leave. Words on their asses. Feh. Fran and Barry are in their helicopter. "I couldn't think of anybody I'd want to do this with more," he tells her. More than your wife of 40 years? I kind of...hope so. It's not like that isn't a nice thing to say, but...40 years, you know? She kisses his hand. Something about them just does not resonate with me. They head down and find their clue, and they leave.
Lisa and Joni, so exhausting all of a sudden, get to Atrium V, run down, find their clue, and leave. They're clearly all freaked out about not being eliminated, and there is so much hooting and shrieking that I certainly hope that there are no more close finishes for them any time soon, because I don't think I can take this again.
John and Scott are in their helicopter, and Scott voices over that John was really pretty chill about it, much to his surprise. They arrive at the Faraway Building and find their clue in the pretty hotel. John says he's proud of himself for doing the helicopter without spazzing out.
Danielle and Dani are returning to the airport just ahead of Fran and Barry. Both these teams leave in taxis.
Lake and Michelle find their way to the ceremony. He lights the candle from a few feet away, like he's kind of uninterested. He still manages to screw up the ceremony by not giving the candle back, so he's lucky Michelle is there to correct him. He takes his clue, and they leave for the pit stop. Joseph and Monica follow, and they're on their way to the pit stop as well.
Lisa and Joni return to the airport, but they have trouble finding a taxi all of a sudden. John and Scott return behind them, and it's taking them so long to get a taxi that by the time they finally get one, John and Scott have spotted them. It will, apparently, be these two teams to the end.
Commercials. I don't know if y'all got the barbecue sauces sitting around cheering, but it was pretty weird.
Finally, Lisa and Joni find their way to a taxi, and then John and Scott do the same.
Stadium. Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler are arriving, and BJ mentions that they're "clawing at [their] teeth," which causes Tyler to reach up with one hand and claw at BJ's mouth. Hilarious. Eric and Jeremy seem to have a slight lead as both teams head in. It is indeed Eric and Jeremy who emerge first from the underground tunnel and run across the field. They approach the mat, where Phil waits with a soccer player who is obligingly bouncing a ball on his head. You've got to love this greeter, and he serves as a lovely reminder of one of the things this show has that others don't. Jeremy decides it would be hilarious if he dove onto the mat, so he does, but it isn't. Phil looks at them with this smile like, "Oh, I get it. You're going to be assholes." The greeter, holding the ball on the back of his neck, welcomes them effusively to Brazil. "Give us some good stuff, baby!" Jeremy hollers girlishly. Phil tells them that they're team number one, and they demand to know what they won. Phil gives them $20,000. Bleh. Gross. I cannot stand them. Eric says that you shouldn't overthink the race. You should be idiots, like they are. And -- wait, wait! Horns of Perseverance! I mean, they're out of place for that suck-ass team, but I'm still so happy to hear them.
BJ and Tyler arrive . Welcome, attention-starved hippie types. You are team number two. They tell Phil that they're "fueled by the Race." Barf.
Dave and Lori pull up to the stadium in third place, followed by Desiree and Wanda, but Desiree and Wanda hit the right entrance right off the bat, and Dave and Lori didn't, so as Dave explains, they get passed up right at the very end. Wanda and Desiree hit the mat as team number three. Dave and Lori, you are team number four. "You clearly get on extremely well," Phil says, and you can tell that he finds this incredibly refreshing, since it is true of so few of their couples. Seriously. Phil is noting a real thing. They get along. It's not "He's an asshole, but I love him," or "She's a bitch, but we get through all our problems." They get along. It's an undervalued thing in relationships. Dave says they're in love, and this is making them closer.
Ray and Yolanda find the ceremony in Santa Cecilia, and they collect their pit stop clue and leave. Danielle and Dani, on the other hand, are sitting in traffic. Fran and Barry find the ceremony , with the girls right behind. These two teams leave in eighth and ninth place.
Lake and Michelle hit the mat. He almost pulls her arm off with the high-five. Figures. Joseph and Monica are .
Joni and Lisa are looking for the ceremony. John and Scott are doing the same, and they decide that it's time for the genie. This turns out to involve John's Barbara Eden impression, which would be endearing in another context, maybe, but which just seems like too much here. I do like that the music guys came up with some barely-not-I Dream Of Jeannie music. I love the idea of the music becoming wittier, which it clearly did throughout this episode, as compared to recent seasons.
Ray and Yolanda, you are team number seven. They are very happy about this news. Fran and Barry, you are team number eight, but you are on The List. I don't want to hear any more of this "we're eliminated" whining. Barry interviews that they hope they put their mistakes behind them. He thinks they got all the sucking out of their system. Danielle and Dani, you are team number nine. They had a rough day -- that Detour nonsense really hurt them.
Lisa and Joni. John and Scott. Lisa and Joni find the ceremony first, followed by John and Scott. John takes a moment to note the snake. Both teams take off for the pit stop.
Stadium. Both teams arriving. Phil on the mat. Soccer greeter still frolicking. And out of the underground tunnel...Lisa and Joni. "Oh my gawd." Welcome, you are team number ten. They shriek and fall to the ground.
And here come John and Scott. Welcome. You are last. You are eliminated. The saddest part, to me, is when Phil isn't saying anything, John says, "Taaalk," sort of pleadingly. That hurt. They take their departure pretty well, and they talk about the bonding experience and so forth. They seem like good guys, but I think they were out of their depth here. John is just too hyper for racing, and Scott really can't be bothered to keep calming him down all the time. They discuss John getting over his fear of flying. John interviews something about a key to a door and doing things he would have been afraid of, and it's all very nice and sentimental, if you like that sort of thing.
week: Danielle and Dani lose all that good judgment they originally showed about Eric and Jeremy. Fran complains some more. And there are still no RVs, it appears.