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Oh my Self, if the Weavers got My ass out of a hot tub ONCE MORE, I don't know WHAT. "Please let us find the boat," "please find us a good cab," wah wah wah, me me me, BITCH PLEASE. I've got WARS going on belowdecks, My Only Son's birthday is in less than TWO WEEKS and He's IMPOSSIBLE to shop for, and I am STILL apologizing for circus peanuts and the jackelope -- I've got nothing better to do than win a reality show for THAT squad of hypocrites? Oh HELL no, children of the earth.
So, I arranged for the Linzes to win. They seem like nice people, they ran a good race, and best of all, they didn't ask Me for shit, just did their thing and did it well. And then I had the Bransens come in second, because ditto. And then the Weavers came in third, which is more than their asses deserve for abusing their relationship with Me for material gain, but the Holy Ghost wears his Free Rolly pin around everywhere and I just didn't have the heart.
I'm going back to my lavender bubbles now. Anyone needs a list of the Great Lakes, call me. LINDA. (-- God) Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: A little show that could taught viewers that watching teams of two people race around the world could be intelligently thrilling as the teams dealt with cultural differences, language barriers, confusing but well-intentioned locals, and unexpected setbacks. The occasional piece of stunt casting goosed the ratings until the formerly indifferent viewing public was made into believers, and the former Little Show That Could became a hit and cruised into its eighth season in a situation where a second season had once been anything but a certainty and a fifth season had once seemed downright unlikely. To celebrate its rise and the success it had found by focusing on the intensity of one-on-one relationships, a manageable number of participants, well-planned mental and physical tasks, a breathtaking variety of international and unfamiliar destinations, and parts of the world many in the audience would never see otherwise, the former Little Show That Could decided to cram a baffling sea of 40 people into GMC Yukons and have them drive around to visit places like a BP station, a big office chair, a mobile-home showroom, and a whole series of places featuring cows, cows, cows as far as the eye could see. What would once have been footage of one-on-one conversations became footage of four people talking at once, often crammed into a back seat and seen in grainy footage from stationary, low-fi cameras. "Tasks" included pedaling something called a "party bike," being hurled around in what amounted to a glorified amusement-park ride, having your picture taken at a cheeseball tourist attraction, and riding around in a tricked-out, product-placed golf cart looking for balls on the ground. The results were as one would expect.
Credits. If I had known at the beginning which of these teams would get to the end of all this, I don't know if I could have made it. [BOMP.]
Commercials. So let me get this straight. Last week's Amazing Achievement was the GabbleGabbleGabbleskis work on the tepee? I think it's a sign that your show is falling short of its appropriate Amazingness Quotient when your Amazing Achievement can actually be the very thing that got you eliminated. "Remember how they almost completed that task well enough not to lose to everyone else? That was amaaaazing."
"This is eastern Montana," Phil says. And indeed, it certainly is eastern Montana. I generally have taken the position that western Montana looks like Oregon while eastern Montana looks like North Dakota, so I'd say it's an uphill battle to sell this as a gorgeous locale. We are told that in this part of the country, "cattle and sheep outnumber people by the millions." Which is why we're here, I suspect, given that cattle and sheep don't post spoilers on the internet, or if they do, they all just say things like, "Moo moo moo, moo! MMM! Moooo, moo. MMMMM, moo <3 moo." More specifically, we are at Green Meadow Ranch, the eleventh pit stop on a race…around. As Phil recalls the teams' arrival at the mat, we receive the not-shocking news that some Linz or another took the opportunity to demonstrate here that "eat, sleep, and mingle" should actually be "eat, sleep, and make like a rodeo clown with ADD." Phil explains that there will be no more eliminations -- we are just racing to the finish now. We see pit-stop eating for the first time all season, and to no one's surprise, the Bransens and Linzes are eating together while the Weavers are off in the corner being holy and praying that there is a good smiting ahead and that there isn't a Detour offering a choice between Judge Not and Be Judged, both of which would present a problem. Phil wonders whether the Weavers will continue to isolate themselves or, I suppose, whether they will be overcome by the spirit of community and start humping the Linzes' legs. I have a guess. Phil also wonders whether the Linzes and the Bransens will remain so buddy-buddy with all the money at stake. Somehow, I'm not seeing that turn ugly, with the boys pantsing Wally and whatnot.
3:04 AM. Wally and the Tonyas are the first team to leave. When they rip the clue, it sends them to exotic Montreal, Canada. Phil tells us that they have been not only told what flights to take but provided with tickets, but they can try for a better flight if they want to. I suppose that means there was no guarantee they'd be able to get anything at all out of Billings to Montreal if contingency plans weren't developed, but it's just another thing that makes the whole endeavor seem so incredibly cheesy. "Go here" is bad enough; "Go here, and use this flight" is another; "Go here, and use this flight, and here's your ticket, can we wipe your nose for you?" is worse yet. At any rate, when they land in Montreal, they'll take a taxi to a train station and find a "subterranean complex" that goes by the name "the Underground City," which looks suspiciously like the Minneapolis skyway system, which is not very challenging unless you get confused by Caribou Coffee and greeting-card stores. Then, they'll look through the "maze of tunnels" and find the basement of the CDP Capital building, where there's a clue box. As the Bransens leave, Wally is -- you guessed it -- dragging behind. Apparently, the flight they have is a Northwest flight that connects in Toronto, but they remind us in the car that they have the option of searching for a better flight. "We're ready to win a million dollars," a Tonya notes. Just once, I want to see a team open the final leg by saying, "Frankly, I'm prepared for anything but victory."
As the Linzes wait on the mat, Alex says, "Team Who Dey...ready to rock," in a way so dorky that it cracks up his dorky siblings. At 3:08 AM, they open the Montreal clue and leave. There is some general talk about going after the million dollars as hard as they can, and there is a lot of looking at maps with headlamps ablaze.
4:02 AM. Weavers. They head for the Billings airport. Mama says in a voice-over that they weren't seen as a threat early on, but they've managed to stay in somehow. She doesn't seem to consider the possibility that this says less about her family than about the fact that the race just wasn't as difficult as people thought it might be. If you start out running a marathon and you're not seen as much of a contender, and then it turns out that you can drive golf carts the whole way, and you wind up being a decent golf-cart driver, it doesn't exactly prove you can run fast. Rolly adds that "it feels good to be underestimated." I wonder if it also feels good not to have anyone like you or want to talk to you, and I wonder if it will feel good to turn 40 and realize that you gave up your best opportunity to look around at the country where you live because you were too busy sitting in your trailer thinking up clever nicknames for other teams. Mama adds in the car that "Rolly is the man of the team." She says, "He grew up quick this last year and a half." While I recognize that all kids probably "grow up quick" in such a situation, so she's not technically wrong, it creeps me out that she's putting all this "man of the team" stuff on her 14-year-old kid. Of all the acceptable solutions to the problem of losing your husband when you subscribe to the philosophy that the husband is the head of the family, making your barely-teenage son the head of the family would not seem to me to be one of them. She notes that Rolly has handled his responsibilities "like a real man." Of course, he's not a real man. He's a real kid. And one would hope his mother is still in touch with that fact on some level.
The Bransens are the first to arrive at the airport in Billings. It looks like their current flight actually connects in Minneapolis before going to Toronto and then Montreal, and Beth asks on the phone whether there are any quicker ways to get there. She learns that there's a direct flight from Minneapolis to Montreal, so she books that. I never thought I'd see the day when a contestant would look right at me on the TV and explain that Minneapolis is a Northwest hub. This, I know. It's why it's so freaking expensive to get out of here. But ultimately, this plan is only getting them a ten-minute jump on the flight they already had, so it's not all that spectacular, though it does save them a connection, which is good in and of itself, since you never know what could happen.
The Linzes pull into the airport and go inside. They wind up staying with the flight they already have, as do the Weavers once they arrive. Thus, all the teams are on their way to Minneapolis, with the Bransens holding tickets for a direct flight from Minneapolis to Montreal and the other two teams still set to connect in Toronto. In Minneapolis, the Bransens go to check on their flight to Montreal, trying not to be seen by the other teams. "We're pretty confident this is the earliest flight into Montreal," Beth says, following in the overconfident footsteps of many teams that have gone before. After we check in with the Linzes, who are unsure what the Bransens are doing since they've vanished, we watch the Bransens take off. I don't really understand why the Bransens are going to only be ten minutes ahead if they're flying direct and the other teams haven't left yet, unless their plane is going to cruise around for a while dropping people off with parachutes in a variety of locations before finally stopping.
Meanwhile, Nick gets on the phone and finds out that once they get from Minneapolis to Toronto, there will be a flight from Toronto to Montreal that gets in an hour ahead of what they have scheduled right now -- meaning it's about 50 minutes ahead of the Bransens. They get reservations, but they explain that they'll have to pay for the tickets in Toronto. Elsewhere, the Weavers investigate other ways to Toronto, but they, too, find that for this part, there's nothing better. The Linzes and Weavers take off.
Soon, we are in Toronto, where the Weavers and Linzes are running through the airport for the ticket counter where the Linzes are on the trail of the earlier flight to Montreal and the Weavers are, it appears, simply following them. As Alex and Rolly approach the same ticket counter at a run, they manage to smack into each other, which knocks Alex down. It does look to me like Alex had the edge and the collision was the result of Rolly trying to cut him off, but it was a fairly legitimate collision, I think. Once he's up, Alex pats Rolly on the back (he does; that's what it is, despite the fact that it's done in irritation), causing Mama to yell out in the airport, "No! Don't touch him!" Rarely has one lady needed to cram it quite so badly. Worse yet, she then talks to the kids, rewriting history by smirking rather proudly that she made that remark because Alex tried to push Rolly out of the way. It's just such exhausting bullshit. Mama's need to do the immediate postmortem to reinterpret what happened only makes it more obvious that she's rather desperate to impress her children with her feats of unpleasantness toward others. I don't think I've ever seen a mother brag to her kids about the way she stuck up for them before. It's something seventh-grade girls do to cement their bonds to each other: "He made a face at you, so I told him he'd better quit it." Elsewhere, Alex comments, "He's lucky I didn't break his arm." Which is probably true. My favorite part is when Alex says, "Well, it felt like he grabbed my bookbag and swung me." Bookbag! Hee hee. Alex may be from Cincinnati, but mostly, he's a native of...school. Megan says of the Weavers, "They're rude and obnoxious and it's getting personal. Wasn't before, but it is now." Oh, I'd say it's been personal for a while.
Back from commercials, we are still in Toronto, reliving the collision. And now, with Alex's perspective, despite the imperfect shot the camera guys managed to get after being left behind by Alex and Rolly, it does look a little like Rolly grabbed Alex's pack and that's what made him fall. At any rate, Mama steps out of the line they're waiting in and approaches an airport employee about getting a ticket for the earlier flight out of Toronto. The airport employee, because she doesn't know Mama Weaver, takes the Weavers back to an office to deal with their ticket. Boo, helpful airport employees! The Linzes, still in line, note this development with a notable lack of enthusiasm. The Weavers get on the 3:00 PM flight to Montreal, rather than the 4:00 flight on which the teams were previously scheduled. Although the Weavers hope there are no more seats on that earlier flight, the Linzes do in fact get seats on the same flight. So now, as the non-Amazing Yellow Lines indicate, all teams are on the way to Montreal. I still don't get how the Bransens didn't wind up substantially ahead if their flight was direct, but I assume there were some timeline shenanigans related to editing and they actually left Minneapolis substantially after the Linzes and Bransens. For whatever reason, though, the Linzes and Weavers are scheduled to land in Montreal at 4:10 PM; the Bransens are scheduled to land at 5:00 PM. Since we've all been distracted by physical violence since he originally told us, Phil reminds us of the bit about the train station and underground tunnels they'll be looking for when they get to Montreal.
And then, we are in Montreal, home of many Canadians. And, I'm sure, lots of other things my American self wouldn't understand because they're in French. The Weavers and Linzes are making their way through the airport and catching cabs. As the Weavers get into their cab, Rolly says to the driver, "Are you fast?" And then he hesitates and adds, "El fasto?" Yes, that's right. The boy said "el fasto." The driver answers, "I'm not going to lose my life getting you there." That is the last time the driver will be likable for the rest of the day. Once they're in the cab, the Weavers become acquainted with their driver, who tells them, "They call me Ted." Not that his name is Ted, but that "they," whoever "they" are, call him Ted. I think Ted might be a spy of some sort. We learn here, late in the race, that the Weavers' name for the Linzes is "the G.I. Janes." That is the first nickname I've ever heard for which I literally cannot imagine any justification. Am I missing a clear resemblance between the boys and Demi Moore? Is that what the Weavers think the military looks like? Do they think "Who Dey?" is from the Army? For no particular reason, Rebecca cements her hatefulness by giving Ted the "you're the man" routine in the cab, along with the finger-guns and tongue-clicking. The finger-guns! Yipes. Finally, the Linzes get themselves a cab from the airport. Their driver asks them if they want him to go fast, and they enthusiastically say yes. And then he asks, "You got big money for me?" They laugh and say they do. Hey, there's nothing wrong with capitalism.
Meanwhile, we learn that the Bransens' flight to Montreal has been delayed, and a very unbelievable in-flight voice that I believe is cribbed from a CD called Generic Sound Effects About Travel, Vol. 2 tells them that they'll be landing late, at about 5:25 PM. Ouch.
Ted brings the Weavers to the train station. Mama Weaver makes him look deeply into her eyes so that her piety can crawl into his soul and pitch a tent, and she tells him to stay and wait, because she'll be back. She would never lie to you. She is holy. The Weavers run off into the station. They run down a bunch of stairs and start into a tunnel. Meanwhile, the Linzes, in their own cab, are told that they're close to the right place. The Weavers run down a long hallway, following signs to the CDP Capital building. As they run, they spot the clue box along the hall, tucked back into a little corner behind a wall. When they pull the clue, it reveals this week's Detour, which is a choice between Slide It and Roll It. Slide It is curling, and it requires each of the team members to make a reasonably decent shot in curling, which is, as a couple of teams will note, roughly like shuffleboard on ice. In Roll It, you travel to an arboretum and "use traditional lumberjack tools" (such as buttered scones and women's clothing) to move four logs along a track. The Weavers choose the curling, and they set off for McGill Arena. Outside, they find their way back to Ted, and they ask him to take them to the rink. Ted insists that he knows where it is, and they go on about how wonderful Ted is. It's not that I don't like to see people appreciate the locals, but there is a level of toadying on the subject of Ted that quickly borders on the unseemly.
Meanwhile, the Linzes hold their cab and go into the underground tunnels. They, unfortunately, run right past the tucked-away clue. Boo! That's no way to vanquish the chosen team of God!
At 5:25 PM, the Bransens land in Montreal at last. Great advantage, that direct flight.
Ted promises the Weavers that he's going the right way, but when he pulls up to what he believes to be the rink, he also tells them, "Don't cheer yet." Heh. I admire a driver who knows his own limitations. When the Weavers get to what Ted thinks is the right building, Mama finds that the doors are chained. Maybe they knew she was coming. Even a Canadian skating rink has to have instincts for self-preservation that would kick in at some point.
Having missed the clue, now the Linzes are really confused, and they're running back above ground again. They wind up back where they started, more confused than ever, scratching their heads. Bafflement does not flatter the thick of neck.
Back from commercials, the Linzes make another run down the corridor, and this time, they spot the clue box and the Detour clue. They conclude that they'll take the curling. "It can't be that hard," someone says, making every effort to curse the team entirely. Back outside, however, they learn that their cab driver doesn't know where the rink is. Apparently, they have gotten the anti-Ted as their driver. That's what you get for being heathens, I suppose.
At the airport, the Bransens find themselves a taxi and head for the train station. They hope they aren't too far behind.
Ted makes a call on his cell phone to find out where the arena is, and we are provided with a nice shot of the cross he's wearing, just so you know that he is also part of Team God. He learns that the arena is on the other campus of the university, so that's not good news. But now they know where they're going, so they go.
The Linzes find a lady who says she knows where the rink is, and she leans in the window to explain it to the cab driver. As they leave, Nick and Tommy agree that the campus is packed with "sexy babies." Ew. I don't even know what that means, but it seems deeply wrong. Even the not-that-wrong explanation is deeply wrong.
In the Weaver car, Ted is giving them curling tips. Shut it, Ted. And now, Ted has brought them to the right place, so they get out of the cab. Inside, they put on their helmets and head out onto the ice. Mama prays for curling assistance, which God is undoubtedly happy to provide in return for the kindness and Christian charity with which they have treated other teams throughout the race. Rebecca takes her first shot, and while it doesn't reach the target, it goes far enough that it has to be left where it is.
Guess what? The Linzes have been brought to the same wrong place as the Weavers originally were. Locked doors, wrong place. Boo!
The Bransens get out of their cab and head down into the tunnels. They, too, appear to miss the clue box on the first shot. Somebody hid that thing pretty good. I guess they didn't want the mall-walking crowd to break into the clue box during a lunchtime stroll and swipe anything.
Rebecca gets her curling done. Mama goes , but her first shot isn't successful. Meanwhile, the Linzes learn that the campus where they'll find McGill Arena is maybe a half hour away, so while it's not that far, it's not nearby, either. The Bransens, for their part, keep looking until Wally spots the clue box. Good thing they dragged him along, eh? They look over the Detour clue and, as they run, they agree that none of them are good on ice, so they head for the arboretum. That seems like a dubious decision. You know you're not good on ice; what are the odds that you're good with lumberjack tools? Isn't that a matter of choosing the devil you don't know?
Mama Weaver gets her stone to the target, so now it's Rachel's turn. She gets hers as well, and then Rolly gets his. So they're done, and they're in first place, and despair is setting in across the land. Their clue tells them to go 26 miles to the American Pavilion, one of those giant spheres that someone built for a World's Fair or an Expo or something back in 1967 when that sort of thing was still in fashion. There, they'll climb several flights of stairs to fetch a clue. Ted makes some calls on their behalf. Ugh.
The Linzes get to the right arena, and they don their helmets for a little curling. Nick tries to be funny while walking on the ice and winds up almost injuring himself. That's what you get for trying to look cool, smarty. Alex's first shot is a little weak, which gets him a lot of ribbing and cries of "Wuss!", just like you'd expect. He takes another shot, and this one is successful.
The Bransens find the arboretum and the log-rolling Detour. As they watch, a couple of guys run a log from one part of the track to the other. Wally and Beth start out on their first log for the team.
The Weavers, meanwhile, are still praising Ted while on their way to the American Pavilion. Ted says, jokingly, as if making an awards speech, that he'd like to thank God. "Ted, we thank God every day, too!" Mama says. "Are you a Christian?" Rachel pipes up. Ted sees which side his bread is buttered on and says that he is. Despite the cross hanging from Ted's mirror, his statement that he's a Christian certainly looks like pandering to me. And who can blame him, really? All you can do with silly people you hope will tip you is give them what they want.
Tommy makes his shot. Nick makes his. "I love this game!" Tommy says. "I'm moving to Canada."
Elsewhere, Wally and Beth complete the first log for their family.
The Weavers approach the American Pavilion.
Megan's shot barely makes it, with plenty of sweeping. They read the American Pavilion clue, and as they leave, they go on about how much they loved the curling. "I'm going to build a curling rink in Cincinnati, Ohio," Alex says, making further plans for the Alex Linz Amusement Center, with its giant chair and so forth.
Ted delivers the Weavers to the American Pavilion. They hop out and run. They have to hunt around for a while before they find the stairs, but they eventually do, and they run up to where the clue box is. The clue tells them to go six miles to an industrial park. Phil says they'll have to "search for la porte J, which is French for 'Door J.'" Oh, I get it. It's a foreign language. I certainly hope the teams can crack that tricky code. Once they find the door, they'll find another clue. The Weavers return to Ted and give him the address. Shockingly, Ted does not say, "La porte J? What is this porte?"
In the Linz cab, Alex gives a weak, "Andale." "Andale is Spanish," Megan notes. There is a pause. "French," Tommy reminds Alex. "Right," Alex says. Hee. They hunt for the Pavilion, thinking it should be "an older building" since it was built in 1967. Dudes, that's not an older building. Megan suggests they ask old people who were around at the time, and Nick claims that this "makes sense." I beg to differ, but then, I would almost be considered old people, so.
A couple of Tonyas are moving another log. They're having a bit of an issue with the log rolling right off the tracks, and when Wally tries to give Lindsay (I think) some pointers, she snaps at him to "chill out."
Commercials.
When we return, the Tonyas finish up that second log.
The Weavers, for their part, are still talking about how Ted is "a blessing from heaven," and Mama insists that he was sent by God in response to their prayers. Some people send flowers, some people send cards -- God sends Ted. The Linzes, meanwhile, learn that the big sphere they're looking at is the American Pavilion. The Bransens finish their third log. They then very quickly get the last log done, get the clue, and head for the American Pavilion. Their cab driver does seem to think he knows where it is, putting him somewhere south of Ted and somewhere north of the Linzes' stinko driver.
The Weavers arrive at 2350 Dickson (which is English for 2350 Dicksonne, by the way), and Ted helps them hunt for Door J. They hop out and run inside. The clue they find leads to a Roadblock. Phil explains that as is traditional in industrial parks, teams will have to go inside and learn to complete a maneuver on the flying trapeze. Basically, the chosen team member has to hang by his legs and then be caught by his hands. You will be less than shocked to hear that this Roadblock becomes Rolly's responsibility. The trainers tell him to hang from his knees, arch his back, and look behind him. That's also very good advice for the day he one day escapes from his mother by climbing down a giant tree outside his bedroom window.
Elsewhere, the Linzes run up the stairs and get the clue at the pavilion. Now, for Door J. They mutter that they'll have to tell their "doofus" taxi driver where they're going. Elsewhere, the Tonyas and Wally approach the pavilion. "Before it's over, we'll be back in it," Wally notes.
Rolly climbs the ladder and heads for the trapeze. He completes the maneuver and is dropped down onto the net. That was surprisingly not exciting, for a task involving circus folk. The clue Rolly retrieves instructs his team to head for Stade Olympique, where they'll find another clue. Phil says that this is "almost two miles." And I'll tell you, all the people sitting to me at TARcon 8 were like, "Two miles! Not two miles! Such a harrowing journey! What if they get lost?" Heh. Bitter cynics, every one of us. At any rate, they'll hop into golf carts when they get there and drive into the stadium, where there will be another clue. In the cab, Mama notes, "Rolly is so weird. He can do anything!" What's great is that if you'd been there (or, more likely, if I'd been there, since you're probably too polite and afraid of a plague of frogs) to say, "I wonder where he gets it" to that remark, it would be 50 percent sarcastically rude and 50 percent straightforwardly rude, and Mama Weaver would be so confused that her head would fly clean off.
The Linzes find their way to the address, and they find the door marked "J." Although Megan mutters hopefully that she wouldn't mind doing the Roadblock, she's not aggressive enough for the surroundings, and she gets steamrolled by Alex, who winds up doing it instead. Inside, Alex gets his trapeze training and heads up the ladder as his siblings fret over the fact that he's not exactly the lightest person on their team. On Alex's first try, he is not successfully caught, causing Tommy to jump up and down in frustration. The team cheers for him anyway, though.
The Bransens grab their clue from the pavilion. Time to go look for Door J. Their driver knows where the address on Dickson is, so they leave.
Meanwhile, the Weavers arrive at the Olympic park. They hop on their golf cart and drive around looking for the door they can drive through to get down to the field. It really is a little diabolical, since anyone who has ever tried to navigate around a stadium knows that it is not easy, and the signage is undoubtedly not set up to help your average stadium-goer to get down onto the field.
Alex takes another shot at the trapeze business. On the ground, Megan notes that the guy catching Alex is substantially smaller than Alex, which seems to be a problem. Meanwhile, the Bransens arrive at Door J and show up at the trapeze, not at all to the Linzes' happiness. Alex prepares for another shot.
Commercials.
When we come back, Alex is getting ready to take the trapeze on again. This time, he finally succeeds. And I'll tell you a story Alex told me at the party -- when they were told how to do this, the instruction was just to hold their arms out, and not to try to grab with their hands, because the catcher would grab them. On the third try, Alex asked if he could try grabbing for the catcher's hands, and was told that he could, and he claimed that's why it worked. It's hard to see on the tape whether that's what happened or not, but that's Alex's version, anyway. Anyway, his team cheers as he finishes, and the Linzes say goodbye to the Bransens.
Weavers. They find themselves a map and look for a door, but it doesn't seem that they have much luck, so they keep driving. Also still driving are the Linzes (two miles!), who are approaching the Olympic park. They ask directions to the stadium.
Beth takes the trapeze Roadblock for the Bransens. She climbs the ladder, while on the ground, the Tonyas take some more shots at Wally. He's like, "Imagine if I had to do this," and they helpfully add that he would be horrible at it. "I know," one says, "Dad's flabby body flying through the air." Wow, gratuitous! Beth makes the transfer on the first try, it appears, so the Bransens can get on their way before Wally suffers any more abuse. They get back in their cab and take off.
In a moment of little meaning that still inspires great hilarity, the Weavers drive up to a closed set of double doors and decide they'll just see if they can push the doors open with their golf cart. So Rebecca -- apparently in charge of driving golf carts, too -- drives forward and bonks into the doors. So that's...a "no," then. Oh, physical comedy. Your cheapness does nothing to detract from your delightfulness.
The Linzes and Bransens are arriving at the stadium at close to the same time. The Linzes hop in their golf cart and head for the stadium. Megan asks someone if this is the "stand Olympic." "Stade Olympique," one of her brothers says. She runs into more people. "Stand Olympic?" she asks. "Stade," her brothers say in stereo. Hee. They drive in and head down a ramp. The Bransens hop in their golf cart and leave as well. Wally wishes it were the Lucerne instead. Heh. The Weavers, meanwhile, head down the stadium ramp they've already tried several times. Finally, they find an opening and drive up to the field, cheering the entire time. They hop out of their cart and run to the clue box.
The clue explains to the Weavers what might be described as the Most Diabolical Needle/Haystack Ever. Somewhere in this stadium with 56,000 seats are three -- just three -- departure times for three charter flights in the morning. Phil tells us that the times are 5:45 AM, 5:50 AM, and 5:55 AM, but of course, the teams don't know what the times are and don't know that it matters very little which one you get. The charters will take them to a "mystery destination." Meaning, of course, that we could be in for a Waffle-House-style meltdown. More dancing! I demand more asphalt dancing! As usual with this kind of situation, you don't have to take the first time you find, but once you take one, you can't switch.
Rachel takes the name of the Lord in vain while wondering where they're supposed to start to search a stadium of this size. She is immediately struck by lightning and reduced to a greasy ash pile.
The Bransens and Linzes screech playfully as they almost run into each other. But then they find their way down to the stadium, hop out, and run for the clue box. The Weavers see the other teams arriving, and Rebecca starts to complain about how the "G.I. Janes" (still...don't get it) and the Bransens will probably wind up leaving ahead of them. Linzes and Bransens open the clue as Mama complains that the situation is "unfair." I wish I could hear her explanation of how it can be classified as "unfair," because I predict that said explanation would be, in a word, awesome. The Linzes and Bransens choose not to spend their time complaining, but instead develop their plans of attack and get moving, trying to remember what sections they've already looked in. Wally says that a toe he mentioned hurting while they were entering the stadium earlier is really bothering him now, and he suspects it will be even worse tomorrow. But they continue looking.
Realizing that this is apparently going to take a while, the Weavers decide to go and release their cab driver. They hop back on their golf cart and drive back outside. They track down Ted and decide to just pay him and let him go. Ted gives them a pep talk about remaining positive, because he really, really cares, and then he leaves. Back in the stadium, the Bransens and Linzes reach the same conclusion, that the drivers they have waiting outside need to be allowed to leave. Outside the stadium, the Weavers on their way back run into the Linzes on their way out. As the two pass, Rolly (it's Rolly, not a Linz brother as many initially thought) says, "I don't think Thunder Thighs [apparently a reference to one of his sisters] can scoot over any more." To which someone or other responds, "Rolly-Poly, shut it." Of course, once they've passed, the Weavers talk about how rude "Rolly-Poly" was, not accounting for the act of kindness that was "Thunder Thighs." The Linzes, on the other hand, stick with "Down with the Weavers," followed by the ever-popular "Good riddance to bad rubbish." Inside the stadium, the Weavers tell Rolly not to worry about it, although they call him "Louie" for reasons unknown to me. Out on the street, Megan comments on her desire to "punch [the Weavers] in the faces," and then they get their stuff and let their cab go. The Bransens do the same, and their cab driver says, "Good luck, eh?" Nice!
The Weavers are beginning to become discouraged by the task in front of them. Megan, meanwhile, wants to work with the Bransens, because her primary goal is for the Weavers not to win. "We're helping you take them down, honey," says (I think) Beth. Teams hunt in the stadium. Bransens split up. Linzes look for options. The Tonyas complain that Wally is failing to keep up with them. Wally: "Oh, shut up. I can't get enough of this. It's going to take all frickin' night. I'm going to kick somebody's ass." I think I'd enjoy the kind of leisurely ass-kicking Wally would deliver, at least as long as I was just an observer. The Linzes continue looking. The Bransens continue looking. Rachel gets up on Rolly's shoulders, apparently on the theory that they'll be able to see a lot of ground from up high, although I think that only works where the space is more open than what they're dealing with here.
I believe it's Beth who notes, "I'm going to have a smokin' ass after this night, stair-stepping all night long." Hey, it's the bright side, people. There are 56,000 seats. The Weavers decide to stop and sit down, although Rolly wants to keep looking. They can't decide whether to go and try to get into the section where the other teams are. And then, all of a sudden, the Linzes find a departure time. The time is 5:50 AM, which we know and they don't is the middle of the three departure times. The Linzes ultimately decide to just take the departure time they have and settle in for the night. I suspect their calculus was that if they kept looking and looking, the chance that they'd find a better time before another team took it wasn't big enough to justify the loss of sleep that would be required to keep looking. They tip off the Bransens to look on the backs of the chairs, because that's where this one turned up.
The Weavers are tired. Rolly wants to go look in the top sections, but Rebecca, Rachel, and Mama just want to give up. The Linzes lie down to rest, while the Weavers rest despite not having a clue yet. The Bransens then find the 5:45 AM time. Wally teases the girls that they should keep looking, but they clearly aren't going to do that, especially since now, knowing the Linzes' time, they can guess the margins are all five minutes and the difference is negligible. In fact, I think you could have surmised that given the producers' fondness for close finishes, it was very unlikely that the charter times would be very far apart.
As the Weaverlings sit on the field and talk about the difficulty of hunting for the clue, Mama takes a nap one of several cots that it appears the show has provided so that the teams can sleep at the stadium. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life," Rachel complains. Meanwhile, the Bransens go to bed after saying goodnight to the Linzes. Rebecca, for her part, somewhat surprisingly announces that the Weavers aren't doing the task at all. "It's not like I've not accomplished anything, it's not like I'm less of a better person or anything, I just think that it's just stupid." ["Uh huh. You know that kid who responded to playground dares by sniffing that she 'just didn't feel like it right now'? …Yeah. Sack up, Jesus Girl. Nobody's buying your crap." -- Sars] We then cut to Rachel and Rolly sitting together, where she's trying to get him to agree to the quitting plan by saying, "Are you happy?" He stops rubbing his hair in frustration long enough to say, "Rachel, would you just be quiet?" Heh. I'm not sure he's happy, since he's the one who had to do all the Roadblocks and now the rest of them want to bail. Rebecca explains that because he's a man, Rolly doesn't understand that they're too tired to keep looking. Couldn't be for any other reason, like the fact that he's more determined than they are, or less whiny, or 14 years old. "We're not going to search through this again," Rebecca declares. Mama continues sleeping.
Commercials.
Back at the stadium, the Weavers are still making like quitters as the other teams sleep. Rolly wants to wake up Mama so they can search some more, but the girls insist that Mama is tired and needs to sleep instead of search. Once Mama wakes up, however, she takes the Weaverlings off for one more round of searching. We see them searching, and then we see Rolly find the last departure, at 5:55 AM. They congratulate each other and decide to head immediately to the airport while the other teams continue to sleep. Before long, the Bransens wake up and get a cab to the airport, and then the Linzes do the same.
At the airport, the Weavers go inside and sign in for the 5:55 AM. She asks when the other flights are, and she learns that she is last. I can't imagine she isn't also a little relieved to find that there's practically no distinction between the three flights, though. They have a seat and wait. The Linzes and Bransens arrive at the airport and sign in for their charters as well. We watch as the charters take off, one after the other. The Bransens are happy to be in it. The Linzes are pumped. The Weavers will do their best, and Mama thinks they're "the team to beat."
Toronto! It turns out this is the "mystery destination." It's really not that mysterious. Almost everyone knows Toronto is there. The Bransens land and run for the vehicles where their clue is located. The clue tells them to go to the CN Tower, where they'll take an elevator to the top observation deck and use binoculars to look out at the city and locate their clue. The Linzes and Weavers follow the Bransens in getting the clue. The Weavers get out first, so the Linzes are in last place leaving the airport. The Weavers duck into a gas station to ask directions and try to get a map. Mama gets directions to the CN Tower, and then she asks for a free map, insisting that "when you give, it will be given back." I hope that means "I'll send you some money for the map after I get home." The guy gives them the map, of course, because that's the kind of lucky they are.
The Bransens are the first ones to arrive at the tower. They hop in the elevator and head up. The Linzes then arrive at the tower and follow, so the Weavers have fallen to last while hunting for directions. At the top of the tower, the Bransens note that with the vast expanse of Toronto they're looking at, it's not going to be easy to spot a single flag or whatever it is they might be looking for. As they're looking, the Linzes show up and start looking as well. One of the Tonyas hassles Wally for leaving the binoculars sweaty. He certainly does have difficulty doing anything right. The Weavers finally arrive, and on the way up in the elevator, Rolly questions the elevator guy about how he likes his job. "It has its ups and downs," Elevator Guy says. Sigh. Oh, Elevator Guy. My favorite part is the incredibly lame moment where Rolly adds, "Literally," like Elevator Guy has never thought of that before. Way to not get the joke, Sheltered McClueproof.
Wally is looking and Alex is looking when the Weavers arrive. Everyone looks. And looks. And the first to see it is a Tonya. Followed by a Linz. So the Linzes and Bransens head down, leaving the Weavers up at the top of the tower. Mama calls this "really frustrating," and she seeks divine assistance, of course. (God: "Look. Through. The. Binoculars. ME.")
Commercials.
When we come back, the Weavers are still hunting. Meanwhile, on the down elevator, everyone hopes the Weavers take a long time. But the Weavers do indeed spot the marker with the binoculars and head down. At the bottom, Weavers and Bransens get in their cars and head for the marker they saw from the tower. The Weavers, dragging a little, get their map and leave. The first to arrive at the clue box are the Linzes, and Megan pulls the clue. The Bransens are right behind. And the clue is a Detour, offering a choice between Ship or Shoe. In Ship, you sail across the harbor to a boat where you climb up 100 feet and retrieve a flag. In Shoe, you search for a shoe museum, and then they pick a pair of shoes and hunt through 100 women, Cinderella-style, to find the one who fits the shoes they have. The task is easy, but potentially tedious.
The Linzes pick Ship. The Bransens leave as the Weavers are arriving, and the Bransens choose Shoe, which surprised me a little bit. The Weavers read the clue and don't like the idea of the 100 women, so they take Ship. I like the part where Rolly tries to be studly and hop a gate and finds himself unable to clear it. Way to go, hotshot.
Queensquay Sailing and Powerboating, where we are to find the boats that will take the teams out to the Ship option. The Linzes arrive first, so they go inside and get a captain, who puts them into lifejackets and tells them that their first rule is that they have to listen to whatever he says. They take off in their sailboat, being lightly instructed along the way. The Bransens, meanwhile, are getting directions to the shoeseum (tm M. Giant). The Weavers arrive at the sailboats and notice that the Linzes are already there. Mama Weaver drives the boat as they take off.
The Linzes work on steering their boat, trying not to hit Megan in the head on the way. The Weavers turn their boat as well. The Bransens find the shoeseum. Inside, there are indeed a lot of barefoot women walking around. This Detour option is kind of wasted on a bunch of chicks, it occurs to me. They pick out a pair of shoes that look easy to put on. They dive in and gamely approach a bunch of different women, but the shoe fits none of them. (I enjoyed having someone at the TARcon come over to me and say, "It would suck to get on this show as an extra and then realize you were selected because of your huge, mannish feet.")
The Linzes are moving toward the tall ship where they'll do the Detour. The Weavers are on their way as well. Their captain tells them they're "steering a perfect course." Boo! The Linzes are first to arrive at the Detour, and they hop up onto the ship. Tommy is the one assigned to climb up the mast, for which he is well-trained after a lifetime of underwear-related pranks (just a guess) and he gets strapped and helmeted and takes off. "Nice, Bone," Megan cheers, in a way I encourage you to try not to find disturbing. Tommy reaches the flag and takes it, clipping it to his harness and coming down. They turn in their flag and get the clue, which tells them to drive 81 miles to Queenston, get a jet boat, and ride up the gorge into the Niagara whirlpool, where a clue will be attached to a buoy. The Linzes run. The Weavers note that the Linzes are already finished with the Detour. Where is God? Why did He not knock Tommy off the mast the way He should have?
The Bransens continue checking feet. "We're getting screwed," Wally frets. Shoes are really frustrating, I agree.
Commercials.
We return to the shoeseum, where the Bransens are still checking feet. They finally find the woman who fits the shoes, and they receive their clue to drive to Queenston. They get in the car and head out. Elsewhere, the Linzes think they're in the lead and think they know where they're going. Back at the ship, Rolly (surprise!) gets his helmet and harness, and he climbs up for the flag. He drops the flag rather than bringing it down, but they're able to retrieve it, which is how you know God actually takes no hand in this sort of thing, so they get their clue for Queenston. They have to stop and ask for directions, and then they hop in the car. "We've got to catch up to them," Rolly insists.
In the Linz car, Tommy comments blankly, "We just made a complete circle around the United States." "Around freakin' North America," Alex says. It's interesting to think about whether this is meant to mean "the whole United States" or "nothing but the United States." I leave it to your judgment, but if I had watched races go to India and Bangkok, I'm not sure I'd be like, "I can't believe we saw that many cows. That was awesome." One of the Tonyas says she hopes the Weavers won't win. "That would just...not be okay," she says. Hee. My sentiments exactly. Another one adds, "The mom's a wacko. She really is." Mama Weaver, meanwhile, almost but not quite takes the wrong road. They're teasing you now, in case you haven't noticed. The Linzes get directions to the boat ramp, and then the Bransens come along and ask the same guy. What I love is that he says, "I already told your friends." Heh. Poor guy, just trying to go on his run, and all these out-of-town freaks with cameras are demanding directions. I wonder if he had to sign two releases. The Bransens head down the hill toward the boat ramp.
The Linzes reach the boat ramp and run toward their boat. They pick a boat and hop in. The Bransens are close behind. The Linzes are truly excited as their boat takes off. The Bransens are just behind. The Linzes approach some rough water, and they wind up getting totally drenched, and laugh delightedly. The Bransens follow and do the same. It really is nice to see some teams that are just having a hell of a good time, particularly since this particular race hasn't been long on unmitigated happiness for anyone, including the viewers at home. The Linzes' boat then spins all the way around as they approach the buoy. The clue they pull tells them to have their boat driver take them to their final destination city, which is Lewiston, New York. The Linz "Who Dey" cheer follows. The Bransens get their clue . The two lead teams pass each other and exchange waves.
Weavers, quickly and blessedly approaching irrelevance. They near the boat ramp.
The Linzes hop off their boat and hit the clue box. And it's the concluding Roadblock. In this task, the person has to use 71 jigsaw puzzle pieces to finish a giant map of Central and North America. In other words, "What have you learned?" With the reading of that clue, you can see that the Weavers are now totally irrelevant even if they show up, what with the efforts they would no doubt make to put Louisiana near the Great Lakes and stick Georgia over in the Pacific Ocean. After the Roadblock, the step is simply to make your way to the finish line. The Linzes run to the Roadblock with the Bransens close behind. Nick is on the Roadblock for the Linzes. Wally is on it for the Bransens.
And they're off, and here we go. Nick starts with Alaska. Wally starts elsewhere. Nick uses the stepladder provided to get up to the top of the puzzle, leading his team to call out, "Come on, shorty." I will say this, having met the Linzes: shorter than I thought. Most people are taller, but the Linzes are shorter. Am I distracting you from the tense, suspenseful finale? Okay. Anyway, Wally works. Nick works. "This is so nerve-wracking," Tommy notes. I agree. Wally and Nick really are keeping it pretty close.
The Weavers are on their boat. Who cares? They get their clue. I forget all about them.
The Tonyas fret over Wally. Nick chants to himself, "South Carolina, where are you?" I would note that the only state they bother to caption in yellow is Minnesota, which I am taking as a shout-out. Wally fills in Central America. Nick fills in Tennessee. Nick can't find Ohio, despite living there. It's getting close to the end. "I can smell the million dollars," Megan says, grinning and dancing. Nick has some little states left, and he works to fill them in. The Linzes start to gather their bags. Nick goes to smack the last piece into place, and he manages to knock out another. Yikes! He puts it back. "Don't pound anymore," Megan recommends. They grab their stuff and start to go. Nick spots one last little piece just as he grabs his bag, so he smacks it into place as he runs, and the Linzes take off for the finish line.
Wally finishes the puzzle, and the Bransens run off as well.
And here, toward the mat, come the Linzes. The Bransens jog along, holding hands, undoubtedly knowing they won't catch the Linzes. The Linzes run. "Dad, you did awesome, I'm so proud of you," says one of the Tonyas. Aw. Good for her. Phil waits on the mat. The Linzes jump onto the platform. They all hug. Everyone cheers for them. Phil declares them the official winners. As Megan cries, Alex reaches over and kisses her on the forehead, which is very sweet.
And here come the Bransens. The teams exchange big hugs. They are welcomed by Phil as the second-place winners. Now with everyone anyone gives a crap about standing on the mat together, Phil brings the Linzes over and he asks them about their first-place finish. "This is all for Mom and Dad and everybody back home," one of them says. Tommy declares himself "speechless," which: unusual. Megan says she's done running and will never run again. Heh. She interviews that it was hard to keep up throughout, but she "ran with the boys." Phil asks them about the Bransens, noting how Wally kept up. We cut to Carissa for the world's most adorable shout of "Go, Wally!" Nick pays tribute to the Bransens, in his way, saying how remarkable it is that a team of three men and a woman would be worried over three women and a man. (Feminist crickets chirping.)
Nick talks to Wally about how awesome his daughters are, and Wally starts to agree and gets to crying. Everyone loves Wally, rather transparently. He interviews that it was a great thing to have time with the girls as adults, which is always one of the nice things about parent-child teams. The Tonyas talk about how their dad is their "comfort," and how he was always there for them. "We love him to death," Beth says simply. The Tonyas have a hug. Wally also takes a moment to compliment the Linzes as a testament to their parents, which is really cool. He says that, in fact, he was proud of them as a parent.
And here come the Weavers, who receive polite applause, since now everyone knows they didn't win. Phil asks Mama about her pride in her family, and she says she's "so proud." Mama credits the kids for the victory. Rebecca immediately references losing their dad, which feels a little...clunky, somehow, like she knows that's their hook and needs to bring it up as soon as possible. In an interview, she praises her mother, saying that now, they know they can handle things without their dad. It occurs to me that they wouldn't have to rely on their mother for absolutely everything if she would socialize them so that they can have friends rather than alienating everyone everywhere they go.
There is hugging on the mat. Nick talks about all the friends they made on the race, and Alex gets big hug from Carissa. Best prize! A pink hugs a Tonya. Everyone claps as we fade out.
And then there is a final "Who Dey" from the Linzes, topped off with Tommy crowing one last time about the victory. They're certainly not my favorite winners ever, and it does qualify as another victory for boys with big arms. But they had a lot of fun, and they definitely got better at dealing with each other, particularly where Megan was concerned. It's not a bad ending, especially compared to the possibility that the Weavers could have won.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
And then. Then! There is a preview for a real live race, with teams of two and foreign countries and stupid girls and everything! And nerds! And screaming! And a bungee jump! Oh, please come back to me, my show.