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Well, we've already spent far too much time out of the country, soâ¦let's come back! After a final Detour in Costa Rica, the teams head to Arizona and another racetrack that tests my ability to have sympathy for the Weavers and strongly dislike them at the same time. Wally and the Tonyas and the Paolos gradually fall behind throughout the leg, and they wind up in a dash for last place. When the Paolos fail to count cars correctly and believe that they're out, they do the underwear-on-the-outside business on the mat, only to find out that they're not last. They encourage the Bransens to grab clothes before stepping on the mat, in case of non-elimination. And indeedâ¦non-elimination.
In the second half of this two-hour episode, the teams travel to the Grand Canyon and similar environs, and after the Paolos take the wrong route into the Grand Canyon while the Bransens stop to ask for directions, it's the same two teams dragging in the back. And ultimately, the Paolos take their leave, making it a final four of Weavers, Godlewskis, Linzes, and Bransens. What? In other news, the Weavers continue to talk a lot about how awesome and Christian they are, in spite of throwing things at other teams, taunting people unnecessarily, giggling at the continuing hilarity of garbage trucks, and otherwise failing to endear themselves toâ¦well, anyone. Suit up -- this is a long and not very interesting two hours of television. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Crumpling Moppet Theater: Costa Rica was the bunching capital of the world, and also the intrigue capital of the world, as the Paolos Yielded the Weavers. Phil refers to this as "conspiring," which...man, don't crank the morality machine, Phil; there's already smoke coming out of the gears. The Weavers responded by holding fast to Jesus' general distaste for blue-collar workers, and by explaining that the Gadzookskis are bad people because they have breast implants. And wear hoochie shorts. Oh, never mind, I'm thinking of someone else. At a coffee-bean-hunting Roadblock, Tammy was the unlucky recipient of the invisible needle in the imaginary haystack, and the Gaghans fell behind. Despite God's efforts to again Yield the Weavers by getting their van mired in the mud, the Gaghans finished in last place, breaking hearts everywhere with their sniffling dignity. Now that there's no one on the show who's really worth giving a flying fig about unless you like the Bengals or blondes, who will be eliminated ?
Credits. Man, look at all the nice teams that are gone. Imagine how different this entire thing would look if you had Aiellos instead of Weavers. Of course, you could also have Schroeders instead of Bransens or Rogerses instead of Gadzookskis, so perhaps I should be grateful for small favors. I also would like to say how much I resent being teased with a large elephant clearly being ridden by a local in some elephant-riding locale, because we are clearly not going to be seeing that. Tease. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, man. Anne Heche is in a schmaltzy Christmas love story now. Some people really have a way of making everyone else's lives look really boring. Actually, the creepiness of that commercial convinces me we should abandon the coverage of commercials for the remainder of the recap, because this is already going to be long enough. So Anne Heche is it on this front until time.
The FauxDeans play an upbeat guitar riff as we return to Costa Rica, its lush forests and lingering mists reminding us that we are likely not in the United States or any of its thoroughly oil-drained wildlife refuges. Phil tells us that here in Quepos, things are "sleepy." I'm a little sleepy myself, come to think of it. Also, it's a "surf town." It's nice that you can still be a surf town, what with all the kids and their iPods and their text messaging. Phil strolls on a beach while explaining that this was the pit stop, and I note that his jeans don't look nearly as strange as usual. I even kind of like the tangerine shirt. I believe I will envision Phil as a scoop of sherbet. Teams stopped here at the beach to rest, et cetera. Phil wonders whether the Paolos can keep doing well now that they're not using all their energy to berate each other, and whether the Weavers can "survive being outcasts." Like they care. Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute you, Phil. Don't you know anything?
The first to leave is Team Paolo, at 7:27 AM. The clue tells them to hoof it to Playa Maracas. Boy, if any place has ever had more of a recreational name than Playa Maracas, I'm not sure I've heard of it. It's got foreign words for "beach," it's got boob euphemisms...what more can you ask for? At the beach, Phil explains that one team member will swim out to a buoy to get their clue. As the Paolos leave, Mama says she's trying not to concentrate on her aching legs. I would think her annoying family would be a useful distraction. DJ says in an interview that he respects the fact that his mother has been doing all manner of physical stuff he wouldn't have expected. And...look at the faces on Papa and Brian in this interview. This is the post-episode interview, and you could have guessed, if you'd been keen-eyed right here. DJ does add, however, that his mother also makes him "nuts." Wouldn't want to get carried away with the warmth.
7:28 AM. The Linzes reveal that the booty for this leg is $310. Tommy interviews that they do believe their team is physically strong, but that's not the only factor, they're aware. Nick tells us in a different interview that you can't always even tell what it's going to take to be in first place. Now, this is where I want to confess something to you. For several weeks now, I have had Nick and Alex exactly backwards. I was right when I told you I could finally tell them apart, and that my eye could at least distinguish the three brothers reliably. However, the one my brain had labeled "Alex" is actually "Nick," and the one my brain had labeled "Nick" is actually "Alex." I'm very upset by this. I'm even more upset by the fact that not one single person has emailed me to tell me that I have this backwards, which means that really, none of y'all give a crap either. That's how you can tell what's wrong with this season. People aren't invested enough to nitpick. I've gotten emails in my TWoP career about coatimundi, about the Bengals, about my wrongheaded use of "comprise" and "gelling," and about the error of my ways in picking on Texas. And I've been mixing up two contestants for weeks and weeks and pages and pages and I have not heard a peep. Dear This Show: Please don't do this again, with the families and the domestic flights and the trailer homes and the big giant chair. No one cares, in case you haven't noticed.
7:29 AM. Bransens. Lauren (so identified on-screen, which is my only hope) says that her father has had a difficult time with how they can all handle it, and he...can't. Because Wally is the weak link on the team. News to me! How could I have known? As they run from the pit stop, Wally volunteers to be the one to take the swim, and all the girls react with about the level of surprise you'd expect if he offered to be the one to put a bra and some heels on and dance around to "I Enjoy Being A Girl" while putting an exfoliating mask on his face.
Meanwhile, the Paolos arrive at the beach, which really isn't as festive as its name would suggest, and while there is some talk of Brian doing the swimming, Mama suggests that because Tony is the strongest, he should do it. That's what he gets for impressing them all so much with the bananas last week. So in goes Tony, headed for the buoy. The Linzes are right behind, with Nick heading into the water for them. (Dear Shirtless Nick: Thanks for the shoulders. It's been such a slow season, and I've had so little to be happy about.) Then we have Bransens, with Wally heading into the water. Wally, however, immediately starts swimming in the wrong direction (of course), so the Tonyas shriek at him from shore to get turned around. Tony and Nick reach the buoy and pull the clue, but while Nick turns around and heads back immediately, Tony falters. There is a cry of "Rescue swimmers!" On the beach, watching people out in the water trying to ensure that his father doesn't drown, DJ snots, "Why did he say he could do it if he couldn't do it?" I would think my father's cries for rescue personnel might get me to keep my complaints about him to myself until I knew he wasn't going to, you know, die. But at least DJ's consistent.