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Oh, look. It's the worst episode ever. An enormously poorly planned leg starts out with a Detour where it's kind of impossible to tell whether anybody's doing well or doing badly, and it mostly just depends on which one you pick, as far as whether you wind up in Bunch One or Bunch Two on the incredibly suspensefulâ¦bus ride and trip to Waffle House. (Oh, yeah. It's for real.) At the end of the bus ride, it's an amusement-park ride as your Roadblock, which goes one team at a time, and then there's a clunky, meaningless, product-placement-heavy non-task that tells you to walk to the pit stop. So there's nowhere to gain ground or lose ground, meaning that other than which bunch you're in, your fate depends on the order in which you grabbed numbers at the Roadblock. Totally boring. The Paolos are the same as always, which is to say insufferable, the Weavers get weirder by the week, and the Godlewskis aren't nearly as much fun as they've been in the past, so now they're just loud. As if the rest of this disappointing suckfest weren't enough, the episode ends with the random and quite undeserved Philimination of the lovely Aiello family, one of two remaining teams I actively was enjoying watching. Boo! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Is It Re-Gifting If The Spy Who Loves You Gives You A Briefcase?: The teams were sent to Washington, D.C. to take a surprisingly hard test called How Many Reflecting Pools Does This City Have? They also learned that the clue-writers couldn't think of anything better to use as a "password" than "the sky is blue." That's what you get for cribbing from German I textbooks. (I was wondering why the last clue said, "Karl may be eliminated.") The Gaghans spent two hours wondering why they couldn't find the clue box, not counting on the tricky, tricky requirement that you read the clue to be the thing that would hang them up. If that's a PSA for parents about reading, let's just hope it worked. Papa Rogers sent his team east instead of west, and then he sent them down Brock-Blaming Boulevard rather than Dad-Blaming Drive, which was perhaps an even more egregious mistake. The Detour had a body count (yes!), and poor Wally "Pant, Pant, Pant" Bransen was the only one of the potential bodies not wearing a uniform. The Weavers landed in first place (weeeeeeee!), and Team Rogers was mercifully bounced. Papa Rogers undoubtedly still blames Brock one way or another. Eight teams left. Who will be out ?
Credits. Oh, please. Like the Paolos have ever been quiet for that long. That shot lingers for almost an entire second.
Commercials will be skipped this week, because I have obnoxious, flu-like symptoms and all my free time is being devoted to not passing out with my face in the keyboard.
We find ourselves at Welbourne Manor, despite the ad at the bottom for Survivor that might momentarily confuse your brain into thinking that we are in a very large clearing in the jungle. And there's Phil, taking the week off from his improved clothing choices to feature some butterscotch pants (boo, sartorial choices based on candy) with his, I admit, acceptable shirt from the Damning With Faint Praise Collection at JC Penney. This house, we are reminded, was the second pit stop on this race around what sheltered people consider "the world." Doesn't it seem like this season has already been dragging on much longer than that? Aren't we almost done? Is it Christmas yet? Can I have some chicken soup? Anyway, we get to revisit some arrival footage, which is no fun, because it involves shrieking Weavers (name of my Cyndi Lauper cover band). In fact, there is some shrieking from quite a few people, including Stassi, who may be the lost Gadzookski as a result. She's the Goth Gadzookski. She wears pink, but only as the stone in her eyebrow ring. Anyway, Phil wonders whether the Bransens can recover from the drawbacks created by weak, weak Wally and get their act together, and whether Mama Weaver will continue being awesome, assuming that you buy the argument that she was awesome last week. Better than when Amish technology was kicking her ass, I'll give her that.
2:26 AM. The Weavers are getting ready to go. They rip the clue, and it tells them to fly ("Fly"? What is this "fly"?) to Charleston, South Carolina. Phil explains that this is a 500-mile flight (wow, don't blow their minds or anything with the crazy culture clashes -- thank God it's north-south so they don't have to, like, change time zones), and when they land, they'll choose a car and drive to a gazebo to find a clue. Their airport transportation is spoon-fed in the form of both a car and a driver, which seems sort of absurd to me. But in any event, the Weavers order their driver to take them to Dulles. Rachel insists in an interview that they just want to be a strong team. No drama. In which case, I have a suggestion: less ear-splitting screaming. It avoids drama, and it also keeps you from being punched.
2:27 AM. Linzes. Megan complains that her "macho" brothers don't listen to her because she's a girl. Which certainly appears to be true, since she's not the youngest. I mean, she's only a year younger than Alex anyway -- why is he so fucking bossy? At any rate, Megan The Ignored Girl Sibling reads the instructions on the clue sending them to Dulles, which she pronounces "Dulls." My suspicion? She's being affected on a subliminal level by the presence of her brothers.
2:29 AM. Godlewskis. Sharon interviews that they didn't really want to put any particular person in charge. They prefer to just all yell at the same time and see what happens. Okay, she doesn't say that. We've just learned that over time. Nevertheless, Sharon herself starts getting kind of bossy in the van, referring to the driver as "Driver," and then shouting down Tricia, who suggests maybe they could find out the driver's name so they aren't ordering him around anonymously like a butler on Masterpiece Theater. Seems fair to me. But not to Sharon. Quiet, you! She is the alpha pink around here!
At 2:35, the Schroeders rip their clue. Char interviews that her stepkids think of her as their friend, and not as their stepmother. I'd be inclined to say that doesn't sound like a great idea to me, because it means your dad is married to your friend and your "friend" has little authority to tell you what to do, but if it works for them, I suppose it takes all kinds. She calls the experience "priceless." MasterCard cuts her check. In the car, a groggy Hunter complains that Charleston is "all historical," and he doesn't know history. Meaning he is doomed to repeat it, which could make for a very long day, driving-in-circles-wise. Char tells him they need to focus, and he rolls his eyes and mouths, "What…ever," which of course you can do to your friend, if you see my point.
2:37 AM sends the Aiellos on their way, after a bit of jig-dancing by SIL Matt that's very endearing in that it's very odd. Matt says they've been doing well, but they've been all "business," and he wants to "have fun." No! Not fun! Fun will destroy you! Do not attempt to have fun! I can't believe they don't know that trying to have fun with your in-laws is a recipe for disaster.
2:38 AM. Bransens. One of the Tonyas opines that their team is tough, but Wally admits that the running is taxing him over the long haul. He should really concentrate on not being sorry, but instead just being Wally.
In another one of those love/hate moments, the Gaghans are getting ready to leave, and Billy is leading Carissa in some sort of meditative exercise involving breathing in and out and chanting, "You can do this." My favorite part is how his mom looks down at him at one point like, "I love that weird little turkey," which is pretty much what all neat kids' parents say about them when they're young. And then she kind of looks at some off-screen production person, like, "Oh, I know."
At 2:43 AM, they rip their clue. In what I think has to be a bit of a cobbled bite, Tammy says, "Bill and I have tried to raise our children more like little adults on this race, and not like children that are going to hold us back." Considering that she's giving this interview on the couch at home, it just doesn't make sense to me that she would have said they've "tried to raise" them "like little adults on this race." Like, at home. Before they left. Doesn't make sense. Doesn't matter much, because I think her point is the same -- they intend to treat the kids as assets, not liabilities. It's pretty clear their kids suffer from no absence of childlike silliness, so it's certainly not the bad kind of "little adults." Or, I should say, if it is, they're doing a terrible job, because you know what adults don't do, so much? Sing "She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain." Complete with "yee-ha"s. Carissa asks if they need a map, and Bill interviews that anyone who thinks kids have no place racing should look at these particular kids, who are doing a great job. Not really the issue, I don't think, for people who don't want to watch kids, but it's good that he's proud of them. I would be, too. In fact, if they were going to put kids in the race and make me watch them every week, I can't tell you how relieved I am that it was this particular family's kids.
The Weavers note that they're behind a big truck. In her car, Megan Linz remarks, "There's a huge Wide Load in front of us." This, predictably, sets her brothers off on "Wide Load" guffawing of the stupidest kind. It's not that they make fart jokes and fat jokes that I find so irritating -- it's that that seems to be the entire repertoire. That appears to be the entire Linz Brother Sense Of Humor. (1) Fart Jokes. (2) No Fat Chicks. That's how you make yourself an obnoxious cliché. What's more, after Tommy says it, and We Get It, Alex has to say it again, to make sure We Get It Some More. Because wide load, heh-heh. Fucking Chipsters.
In the Bransen car, we learn a new pronunciation: "Dull-lace." One of the Tonyas learns that a US Air flight arrives in Charleston at 10:06 AM. The Gaghans borrow their driver's cell phone as well. They get the same information on the US Air flight. Bill makes reservations on that flight.
3:05 AM. The Paolos. Booooo! I want to open this week's Paolo Smackdown Coverage with a story, which is that I was chitchatting with a friend this week about guys and their moms, and how you don't always want to hear too much about their moms. I made the comment, though, that there are guys who, once you see how they act with their moms, you would never date them, ever, ever, ever. And then, at precisely the same instant, he and I said, "DJ Paolo." And really, if the show makes it a little bit harder for that kid to get a date, this entire season, as the movie says, ain't been in vain for nothing. Anyway, Tony interviews that the country is so great that he wants his kids to embarrass him in every stinking acre of it, or whatever such of a thing. DJ and his mother bicker in the car, unsurprisingly. I tell you, that right there is beyond needing a macro. "DJ and his mother bicker" needs a single symbol, like Prince's name used to be. Or a number. Maybe instead of "DJ and his mother bicker," I could just write, "12."
Weavers and Linzes are approaching Dulles. Mama Weaver actually gets her driver to go on the highway in reverse after he overshoots the exit. (Write your own embarrassed-to-make-it remark about how odd it is that the mother of a bunch of kids who lost their dad in a car crash would make a driver go backwards on the highway.) The Linzes note this, but because it involves neither farting nor fat girls, they have nothing of note to say, other than "Ha." It's like they know it's funny, but they have no tools with which to attack it. The Linzes wind up being first to the airport, and they head for Independence Air. They get a flight that arrives at 10:04 AM. Two minutes earlier! Two minutes! What suspense! What will happen? Who will lose the precious two minutes? The Weavers and Linzes both get tickets on the Independence Air flight.
The Gadzookskis arrive , and they get the lead from the Linzes on the flight. Schroeders, Aiellos, and Bransens are arriving as well, and Wally notes that they should talk to "Boston" (the Aiellos), a team that tends to treat them well. A Tonya calls out to the boys. Unfortunately, Wally and the girls tell the Aiellos that US Air is the first flight. Two precious minutes! You bastards! These teams, however, figure out the Independence Air thing when they get inside, and the Aiellos and Schroeders (who just got to the counter) take that flight, but Wally and the Tonyas are left behind. They are now behind by two minutes, given the fact that as we all know, flights land and taxi with perfect precision and arrive at the gate to the minute when they are scheduled. The Gaghans get to the airport and get their US Air tickets.
Elsewhere, Mama Weaver says that she's trying to get to know the airport, which seems a little dweeby to me. Stassi Schroeder watches suspiciously as the Weavers rendezvous with a ticket agent. Mama Weaver reports that she is intimidated by airports, which…perhaps not exactly the right show for you, I think, if that's the way you feel. Stassi declares the Weavers "sneaky," and SIL Matt remarks, "Interesting." I'm not at all convinced that any of the Weavers are bright enough to be labeled "sneaky," which is so often the case when intrigue is suspected. The SILs are suspicious that the Weavers are getting another flight, but of course, they're not. As the Weavers walk past the Aiellos, one of the SILs says casually, "Did you find another flight?" The Weavers ignore him. Of course, there's no obligation to share, but you could acknowledge them when they speak to you. On the other hand, they're pretty spacey -- they might not have even heard him or realized he was talking to them. "I hate them," says SIL David. You know, the Weavers do strike me as having a socially unskilled, weird vibe to them. They really don't seem to relate to other people comfortably at all, unless it's by asking them if they know the Lord. In any event, SIL David chats with the Schroeders, describing the part where he got blown off, in his opinion. It's clear to me that there was already some dislike for this team among these other people, because there's not enough here to cause what's happening. Char, meanwhile, tells Stassi she thinks they're "silent but deadly." Heh. Too bad the Linzes weren't around for that one, because they would find it hilarious.
The Paolos get to the airport, and they wind up stuck on a United flight leaving a half hour after everyone else. They get this information from Mama Weaver, of all people, and I'm fascinated by the fact that she would sort of isolate herself from other people and then choose to socialize with this particular team.
In the gate area as the teams wait for the Independence flight, Rolly and Hunter are screwing around, and Rolly whaps Hunter on the leg. Hunter says, "Ow!" Char tells Hunter, "Get away from the kid," just as Hunter is warming up to whap back. First of all, settle down, Char. Second of all, it isn't necessary for an adult to refer to somebody else's child in that child's presence as "the kid." That's just enormously rude. One of the Gadzookskis is stirring up shit, and tells Char, "You don't want him sucked into anything." Hmm. Into what, I wonder? The Cult of Rolly? The Cult of Boys Hitting Each Other? I hate to tell you, but many boys are already sucked into that cult by the time they're this age. And it doesn't even take Kool-Aid. The hitting is the Kool-Aid.
Hunter, meanwhile, interviews that he and Rolly are the same age, so they naturally hang out together. Also, it appears that neither of them has much to say, so. And I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility that they both find their families kind of embarrassing. As if to demonstrate this very point, Char comes over to the boys in the airport and says, "What are y'all talkin' about?" You know what? It's really none of her beeswax. Unless you have reason to believe the kid is up to no good, he's too old, in my opinion, for her to just march over and demand to know what the conversation was about. Ask him if he was talking about flights or strategy if that's your concern, but don't do this. Of course, I picture her saying, "I'm entitled to ask him, because I'm the adult, blah blah," and…if this is true, what happened to them all just being friends? Anyway, in an interview, Char actually says that they're freezing Hunter out of their planning discussions, apparently because he's friends with Rolly. Which…come on, lady. What do you think he's going to spill, anyway? Your incredible and time-tested Let's Run As Fast As We Can strategy? Don't you think he wants to win the million dollars, too? Apparently to Stassi, Char remarks that she "pulled Hunter aside and told him to shut his pie hole." The "pie hole" thing doesn't bother me as much as it did some people, but the attitude does. Nobody here has shown enough strategy to warrant getting all Spy vs. Spy about it. Besides, I don't really advocate setting the kids up like this by talking to the sister about how you smacked the brother down in front of his friend. At any rate, this earns her -- and I do mean earns -- a moment where Hunter, sitting to Rolly, remarks, "She's a bitch." Again, this happens with boys that age, but this doesn't seem to be a dynamic nearly as comfortable as Char's early comments would suggest. Interestingly, Rolly doesn't even laugh or anything at the "bitch" remark; he just kind of sits there looking uncomfortable, like you do after you watch a guy get really dogged and shown up by his mom.
The Independence Air flight prepares to leave. Linzes, Weavers, Schroeders, Godlewskis, Aiellos. Bransens and Gaghans catch the oh-so-critically two minutes behind US Air flight. Later, the Paolos look at a road atlas of South Carolina. DJ storms in and berates his parents for…looking at a map. It just makes no sense. When his mother asks him, fairly reasonably, to lower the attitude, DJ gets all snotty, going, "I just don't feel like getting yelled at like a two-year-old." Hey, genius? Don't want to get yelled at like a two-year-old? Don't act like one. God. "My family apparently has many mood swings," Brian observes. I think I do dislike and blame him the least, out of all these people. Which is nice, because he's not too old to be salvageable, which I would think he would work hard at, if only to avoid killing his dating life forever. DJ is nice enough to say in an interview that if his mother weren't his mother, she'd be his worst enemy. So apparently, she's getting treated extra-nicely because they're related. I suppose if they weren't, he would actually throw trash or something. On the plane, DJ bitches about her some more.
Back from commercials, we are in Charleston, home of…an airport! Teams deplane, looking for the Battery containing the gazebo they need. The Linzes refer to the Weavers as "Team Froot Loop," which is as close as they've gotten to wit, I suppose, and one of them remarks, "I'm not a big fan of her." Yeah, join the club. Not the most lively of remarks, but maybe if she were farting.
The US Air flight lands. Gaghans and Bransens are off.
In Charleston, the Schroeders, Weavers, and Linzes find the clue box. Schroeders are first to pull it, and it's this week's Detour. The choices are described as "Forrest Gump" and "Muddy Waters," but you shall know them as Shrimp and Mud. In Shrimp, you drive seven miles to a seafood company, then they take you out on a boat. There, you take the heads off of 200 pounds of shrimp with your hands, and you're done. Except, of course, that you will see shrimp every time you close your eyes for the two weeks. In Mud, you drive 37 miles to a place where you take a truck on a mud run. To get your clue, you have to get all the way around the course, round-trip. The Weavers pick the mud, while the Schroeders and Linzes take the shrimp.
The Paolos land. Elsewhere, the Aiellos and the pinks are the to get the clue. The Aiellos take the mud, the girls take the shrimp. The Schroeders find their way onto the shrimp boat and receive a quick lesson in de-heading. It basically involves the fine art of pinching. (Oh, please, please, someone explain it more, I just can't keep up with the complexity of what's going on around me.) Char immediately starts bitching about getting shrimp juice in her socks. She's just really starting to irritate me. Some of these hothouse flowers could really use a leg in India, you know?
In the Linz car, Megan thinks she saw a sign that her brothers passed that might be for the shrimp place. "You don't know what you saw, but you saw an arrow," Nick snots with extravagant annoyance. At the suggestion from Alex that Megan might be right, there is an audible snort. Nice. "What a shock, I could be right," she says. "We are doing what you asked us to do, Meg!" one of them gripes, because what more can she expect? Certainly not that they do it without making it clear that they assume she's an idiot, because why would they do that? ["Yeah, I've been defending them, but they lost me there. I've dated that guy, and…no." -- Sars] She turns out to be right about the arrow, so they're all, "Good work," because they have no choice. They get to work on the shrimp, followed closely by the Gadzookskis. Some people deserve to smell like fish.
Meanwhile, Bransens and Gaghans hop out at the gazebo. Bransens take shrimp, Gaghans take the mud. Again, I think this is one of those tasks where the use of a big number makes it sound like the shrimp will take longer, when it won't necessarily. Mama Weaver, meanwhile, thanks the Lord for the great mud bog she has found. (God: "You're weeeelcome. Remember, all you have to do is aaaask. A loooooot.") The Aiellos are arriving there as well. Mama Weaver almost immediately gets herself stuck in the mud. The boys do better at first, but as they take the trip back, they also bog down. It appears that on this very first try, they get very, very close to finishing, closer than they will for a very long time, but they can't quite pull it off. There's a very nice edit where the truck totally stops, and it's almost like crickets are chirping, and then SIL Kevin, in the driver's seat, says, "We were going…great guns, though." Heh.
Bransens hit the shrimp company and get going. This is a classic Tortoise/Hare Detour, incidentally, for those of you keeping score at home. The shrimp might take longer, but you're not going to pass out and not finish. The Paolos get to the gazebo and pick the shrimp, while the Weavers are pulled out of the mud bog by a tractor with a rope, and the Aiellos realize they're going to need the same treatment. Mama Weaver gets stuck again. The Aiellos get stuck again. They also note that they're rather covered with mud at this point. A little bit of mud fighting predictably ensues, because The Cult Of Hitting Each Other is a close spiritual relation to The Cult Of Throwing Mud.
Stassi gives Hunter a little bit of shit about his shrimp-beheading abilities, promising to "demonstrate" the bad way he's doing it. "I'm going to demonstrate how to shut up," he laughs, in that "I think you need to tear the head off a shrimp" kind of way. Infantile, but awesome, is what I'm getting at. I kind of feel bad for Hunter. It feels like he's gotten the Family Screwup tag, and that's never fun. Char bitches about how she has to "put up with" the bickering, and both Stassi and Mark practically laugh in her face over how ridiculous it is to complain when she's usually right in the middle of it. Yep. Can't really complain like the beleaguered warden when you're wearing an inmate's clothes.
The Linzes start on their last crate. Tommy makes like he's seducing a shrimp, which would be funnier if…well, if he were funnier. And also, if it didn't seem very likely that he uses exactly the same moves on girls. Again, as part of your set of jokes, the shellfish-smooching might be okay, but when it all feels like you got it from Animal House, I get tired. The Godlewskis start on their last crate as well, and Sharon busts on Christine for trying to make a competition out of which pair of pinks is moving faster. Oh, killjoy. Bransens start their last crate. One of the Tonyas dryly remarks that they've "found their calling," and Wally makes the rather provocative remark, "If it's got a head, squeeze it." I really find that's only true up to a point. Another of the Tonyas wonders about "Bill and Tammy."
Speaking of whom, the Gaghans are on their way to the mud bog. And Carissa, predictably, is halfway out the window because she's watching so eagerly for…you know, anything. And in fact, she is the first to say, "I see an arrow!" And it's the arrow for the mud run. The Weavers remark that the "rugrats" have arrived (hi-LAR-ious), and Rebecca dismissively waves her hand, remarking, "They're city people." Yeah, stupid city people. Bill straps in, and Carissa suggests, "Let's go 120 miles per hour so we just go on top of the mud." Hee. And also: yes. But first, they will have to wait, because there are only two tracks, and they're both full at the moment. On their sixth attempt, the Weavers do a lot of screaming, but surprisingly, this does not lead to success, and they get stuck again. Sixth Aiello attempt? Same story. The Weavers comment that it's not "feasible," and they bail out of the Roadblock. Frankly, I don't think they submitted enough requests to Jesus, although the cause could also be inadequate shrieking.
Schroeders finish their shrimp. It tells them to head for the Charleston Visitor Center to sign up for a 3:00 PM or a 5:00 PM charter bus, both of which are going to a mystery location. Boy, there's a little artificial excitement for you. The people who are at the shrimp option are specifically instructed to get to the Visitor Center on foot. Linzes and Gadzookskis follow. The Paolos arrive at the shrimp Detour, and predictably, Mama gripes about the smell. It's really the most relatable thing she's done so far. Except, of course, for not liking DJ.
Bransens finish the Detour.
The Gaghans start the mud run. Carissa and Billy actually throw stuff in the air as Dad takes off, so it's not like the family doesn't know how to have frivolous fun. Bill keeps the truck moving fast, and of course, he has substantially less weight than the Aiellos to keep from bogging down. But honestly, he doesn't have that much less than the Weavers, because he's bigger than any of them, and Mama is probably bigger than the girls, so I do think there's something to his hit-the-gas technique as well. And indeed, Papa Gaghan makes it on the first try. What's awesome is that I was about to tell you that Bill is kind of cute in that Your Friend's Cute Dad kind of way, and then I realized that he is a towering six years older than I am. How old am I? One million years old. I have reached the point where I am not-inappropriately hot for people's dads. I may cry all over my Oil of Olay. Anyway, they happily grab their clue and take off, as the Aiellos look on in abject, growing horror. "Dad," Billy says in the car, "Give me a high five. You did awesome." The entire family, actually, shares a round of high fives as Bill talks about how cool the mud was.
The Schroeders are walking to the bus, and Char says that her pack is heavy. Hunter adds that maybe they could "slow down a notch." Mark flatly refuses. As the Linzes walk behind them, they realize that the Schroeders are walking and decide to make a move. For…something? Megan complains that her "heart's hurting," and the guys basically take her pack but otherwise blow her off. Which…chest pains? I mean, you might give her a minute if she's having chest pains. The Linzes run past the Schroeders to the bus, which…is worth nothing, but is nevertheless what passes for excitement in this completely suck episode. Have I mentioned the suck yet? No? Then it's definitely time. This episode sucks. Whew! Good to have that out of the way. It was kind of the complete lack of an elephant in the room, if you see my point. In any event, having completed this insignificant Breathless Trot To The Exotic Visitor Center, the Linzes and Schroeders sign up for the first bus, as do the Godlewskis. Wally and the Tonyas are to arrive, and they grab the last spot on the first bus. These teams board the first bus. This is…acutely not fascinating.
The Aiellos are on their thirteenth attempt at the mud run. It is beginning to dawn on them that this Detour choice? Maybe not the right one. They hit on the idea of bouncing around in the car, I think to keep their weight from settling, but they get hung up again.
After the commercial, SIL David takes the wheel for attempt number…fourteen. He keeps it moving as fast as he can, and they all hurl themselves around in the truck. As I said, I think I see what they're thinking, but I'm not sure whether it does any good. Finally, they manage to complete the Detour and get going. On the way, SIL Kevin comments that it did feel like they might never finish. Yes, SIL Kevin, I believe it felt that way to all of us.
The Gaghans get the first spot on the second bus. The Paolos finish the shrimp. The Weavers are just starting on the shrimp.
The Paolos get to the Visitor Center , taking the second spot on the 5:00 bus. The Aiellos get to the bus before the Weavers, meaning that giving up earlier on the mud bog might well not have been any better for them once they had driven all the way out there. The Weavers, meanwhile, finish their second crate and go to the bus. They are last, so Bald Snarking the Detour didn't really so much pay off, unless they would have been entirely left behind. As the second bus leaves, Papa Gaghan happily exclaims, "We're all in last place, yaaaaay!" Cheering ensues. Hey, you have to do what you can to keep a positive attitude. I think especially with little kids, it's got to be true that what will make them lose it is if you lose it. Phil voices over that the teams are unaware that their trip will take eight hours, and that they're going to Huntsville, Alabama. This is "the rocket capital of the world." Not, unfortunately, the excitement capital of the world, as we will soon learn.
On the first bus, the first team to the clue box in Huntsville is the Bransens, who read the clue instructing them to drive to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, where Phil explains that nothing will occur for the remainder of the episode. Oh, wait. They actually keep that a secret for now. We do get a lot of majestic shots of rockets, and Phil says that when they get there, they'll find the Edward O. Buckbee Hangar. (Who is Edward O. Buckbee? I'm so glad you asked. At the hangar, they'll find another clue. The Bransens go, followed by the Linzes, Schroeders, and pinks. In case the "go here, dummy" clue wasn't simple-minded enough for you, there's a giant, well-lit rocket rising up from the darkness that the teams can just kind of drive toward. You wouldn't want things to get confusing. They really should leave bread crumbs, or maybe just let the teams feel their way along a great big rope. Chair lift? Monorail? Catapult?
At the hangar, the Bransens pull the clue, and Phil explains that usually, Roadblocks are for one, but in this edition, some Roadblocks -- like this one -- are for two people, doubling the excitement and turning this particular one into a math lesson called "What Happens When You Multiply By Zero." In it, two people get strapped into a centrifuge and winged around until simulated gravity presses really hard on them. This is a ballast-style Roadblock, which, as we know, is the stupidest kind. We do see Phil in the simulator, which does nothing for his appearance, but kind of helps his pants. Once they sit in the centrifuge for the required time, doing absolutely nothing, they'll get their clue. Nothing makes for great TV like people strapped down and motionless in an enclosed space in a situation not actually representing any risk or sense of risk. They should really have more of these with a lot of sitting. Roadblock: Find Seats In This Movie Theater. ("Who has a taste for popcorn?")
Two of the Tonyas get the explanation and then get into the capsule. You can imagine that they're probably wondering whether this is the whole Roadblock, as are we all.
In the Linz car, Megan notes that she's actually been here before, in sixth grade. "This is Space Camp!" she says. They and the Schroeders get to the Roadblock , and the Linzes pull number two while the Schroeders pull number three. Both teams have to wait while the Tonyas take their ride. "Don't puke!" Tommy says, because -- I'm sorry, I underestimated him. His repertoire also includes puking jokes. How could I forget the puking jokes?
One of the pinks believes that a hangar is an airplane, so increasingly bossy Sharon tells her that the hangar is where you keep the airplane, actually. She's right, but you can still tell they all sort of want to poke her. They take the Roadblock, and they pull number four.
The Bransens pull their clue, which sends them a mile on foot to Rocket Park. Phil explains that when they get there -- I swear, I am not making this up -- they'll go to a set of conspicuously lined up computers, and they'll sign on to AOL to receive their clue. Because you know what this boring episode and stupid task needed? Cheesy product placement that makes no sense. I just could not be more pleased.
You'll be shocked to know that as soon as Tommy and Alex are in the capsule, Tommy announces that he has to fart. Needs. A. New. Joke. Even Alex appears to have run out of fart-related chortles, and my sense is that that's really saying something. That's like if your brother is Shaq, and he's like, "Dude, enough basketball." Yes, I am saying Alex is the Shaq of fart jokes, and yes, I know that would probably please him enormously, but no, that will not stop me from saying it.
Bransens, on their way to the stupidest "task" ever.
The Linzes exit the capsule, and they get the stupidest "clue" ever. Stassi and Mark get in the capsule, and Mark acts…like himself, pretty much. Self-consciously attempting to be Fun Hilarious Dad, sort of coming off like Trying Too Hard Dad. I think I would like him better if he would take it easy.
Bransens, running. Can you take it? Is your blood pressure rising? What if AOL is down? What if their mailbox is full of spam? The Linzes are on the way, too, and they and the Bransens are soon at the AOL computers. Whew! That was a tight one. The Bransens get there first, and when they sign onto AOL (booo!), they pull up a video of Phil telling them that now they should walk to the pit stop, which is at the Space Shuttle Pathfinder. That's it. Seriously. That is it. "Dear Ninnies: Please walk to the giant thing we are about to name." Nothing satisfies quite like one of those. The Bransens take off, passing the Linzes as they go. The Linzes get their clue and leave.
At the Pathfinder, Phil and the greeter await. The Bransens land on the mat. Welcome, Bransens, you are team number one. And you have won…free gas for life. Probably not literally. It's a good prize, but it has that gross sense of being so sponsor-dictated, you know? Anyway, the Linzes land in second.
And now, the Bus Of The Weavers' Discontent. Rebecca is complaining about their small quantity of sleep, and how they had to do the mud, and then they had to do the shrimp, and then they had to get on the bus, and she's crying now. Mama Weaver then goes into a thing about how she's "a prisoner on a bus," and she's worried for her children. Give me a break! You're no less safe as a "prisoner" on a bus than as a "prisoner" at a pit stop. What is she talking about? This is insane. I don't want to make the little whirly motion around my ear with my finger and start making cuckoo noises, but it's getting harder not to. I mean…a "prisoner"? SIL David interviews that indeed, the Weavers were getting their bitch on fairly fiercely along the way here. There's an edit I really hope is not too creative where Rebecca is whining and moaning, and there's this shot of Billy Gaghan, looking up at the camera and saying, "Can you believeher?" It's totally priceless. Don't miss it. I'm sure he thinks she just needs to breathe in and out and count more.
And now, the famous and very bizarre Waffle House sequence. The group gets off the bus at a Waffle House, where apparently they're being forced to stop. They have become prisoners at Waffle House! I know people who have had that dream, actually. They wake up drooling. In the bathroom, Rebecca is still complaining. I'm not sure why, because truly, nothing is quite so awesome as syrup exposure in the middle of the night, but nevertheless, Rebecca is boo-hooing and whining. Out at one of the tables, Tammy notes to Bill that indeed, the Weavers seem to be losing it. "Good," he says, undoubtedly thrilled that someone else's kids are more immature than his.
Rachel says, "I can't take it, Mommy," and Mama Weaver tells them that they'll all just gloriously lie, then, and pretend to be happy. Mama Weaver claims in an interview that she "reached down and found strength," when it appears that in fact, she reached down and found the crazy, which really didn't require that much reaching, I don't think. Out in the parking lot, the Weavers sort of dance about, apparently believing that this will make them seem sane and happy. What it actually makes them seem to be doing is losing their shit, and that's what DJ says in an interview. When DJ is dissing your mental health, like…that's serious. Really, if that was supposed to be an approximation of what coping looks like, it wasn't a very good one, unfortunately.
When we get back from commercials, Rebecca talks about the fact that she doesn't usually break down like that, despite having worse things happen in the last year and a half than a bad bus ride. Well, I'll say. Which is perhaps why I'm not sure this kind of high-stress, high-exposure experience was a great thing for this particular family, but I'm not their mom, so I guess I leave it to her judgment. It's just…I would expect them to be fragile, you know? Rachel adds that the "highs and lows" are wearing her down, so she tries to "take it as it comes." She certainly has enough clichés working for her, I think.
In the bus, we are led to believe that the Weavers are singing while everyone else is trying to sleep, but it's not really clear that that's what occurs. In any event, the song is stupid. When you're on an endless bus ride, the first rule of survival is not to make up songs about how endless the bus ride is. Nobody wants to hear it, and somewhere around the 80th or 90th verse, you really do take your life in your hands.
The Schroeders get their clue for the stupidest "task" ever. Meanwhile, the Gadzookskis finish the centrifuge. "That was so coooool, you guuuuuys!" Yeesh. Less screeching, there, pinks.
The second bus arrives in Huntsville, so presumably, Mama Weaver is no longer afraid that she's being taken straight into the desert to be sacrificed. Mama Weaver prays in the car to be taken to where she needs to go. She refers to this as a prayer for "wisdom," which is a stretch. (God: "As it says in Proverbs, look for the enormous rocket with the lights shining all over it.") Aiellos, Paolos, and Gaghans follow.
The Schroeders find the AOL computer and the Phil clue. They are then shown running to the mat. They're team number three. The Godlewskis find their "clue" and run to the mat. You're team number four, pinks. I am straining to care.
Weavers arrive at the hangar first, so they pull the centrifuge clue first, and they get number five. As the Gaghans drive up to the hanger, Bill explains that this is Space Camp, and "they simulate weightlessness here." "I'm doin' it," Billy says, going for a version of "shotgun" that I'm not sure exists, but in all honesty, Carissa's been looking pretty tired. I'm not sure she's going to wrestle him for it. The Aiellos, of these three teams, are actually the first to pull the clue, but they move off to the side to read it. There's really nothing to report here, except that because of that relatively meaningless move, the Gaghans and Paolos both get their centrifuge numbers before the Aiellos, and the Aiellos pull number eight.
Now, ask yourself this: Is it really possible that anything is going to happen except that the Aiellos are going to come in last? What would have to happen for them to pass anyone? There's nothing between here and the pit stop that requires any skill whatsoever. The entire idea of putting one of these "first come, first served" Roadblocks where you pull numbers and wait in line right before the pit stop so that nobody can possibly recover is just asinine. It's horrible planning, and it makes the result basically random. It's true that they probably don't give enough attention to the "first-come, first-served" in the clue fast enough, which the Paolos do, to their credit, moving them ahead of the Gaghans. But still, to have this be the deciding moment? To ensure that there is no other ending that can result? It's ridiculous. To take a huge bunch and follow it immediately with one of these things that forces a much longer separation, and to do that as the last step in the leg? Dumb, dumb, dumb.
The Weavers finish the Roadblock. The head for the stupidest "task" ever, the AOL business. The Paolos take the Roadblock. The Weavers sign onto AOL and run to the mat. Welcome, you are team number five. Phil sort of inquires about their nervous breakdown on the bus, and they insist that they're happy now. "This is us," Mama Weaver interviews. "There's nobody perfect out there. And this is us. If you like us, great. If you don't like us, we're not going to change for you." And it's that kind of interpretation of listening to other people as a form of weakness that makes kids turn out inquisitive and self-possessed, I think. Furthermore, asking you not to scream like ninnies in the middle of the night at Waffle House isn't exactly demanding that you "change" because other people "don't like" you. It's asking you not to cause disturbances that create crossovers with COPS. Police officers are well aware of the fine line between pluck and methamphetamine.
Paolos finish the Roadblock and look for the computers.
Even in her exhausted state (eight hours on the bus would mean it was about one in the morning when they got off in Huntsville), Carissa stares transfixed at the screen, watching the capsule-cam where her dad and Billy are taking the ride. The Gaghans finish and head for the computers.
The Aiellos take their trip in the centrifuge.
I don't know how to describe what they do here, except that there's a lot of creative editing desperately trying to create the impression that something can happen besides the completely obvious. There are theoretically shots of people being lost, but guess what? The Paolos land on the mat , and then the Gaghans. I guess you could count as "controversy" the one moment thus far when Papa Gaghan answers Billy's concern that he can't keep going by telling him to look at Carissa. It doesn't come off snotty to me, just encouraging, really, and Billy is both confident and comfortable with his dad enough to point out that Carissa has no bags, after all. "I know. I know it's hard," Bill tells him, "but the team behind us is strong, and they're going to be sprinting." ["An excellent point, but he could just have just said that to start with and left Carissa out of it. I don't get the feeling it's the first time Billy's heard this." -- Sars] But really, it's just a lot of running around and finding things, and everybody knows what's going to happen, which is why the episode is so damn boring and pointless. It does appear that the Gaghans pick up some time on the Paolos, since they arrive at the AOL thing just as the Paolos are leaving, but it's not enough to make a difference. Also cute: the fact that on the mat, Carissa and Billy have their arms around each other as they wait to hear their placement. But…yeah, there's not a lot to say.
Anyway. Aiellos. Welcome, you are last, and…you are Philiminated. The fuck? Are you kidding me? They go out like that? One of two teams I was actively enjoying, and they go out like that, leaving all of four non-eliminations to be spread over however many episodes are left? What a damn rip-off. Eliminated, with no chance to recover, because they pulled number eight. Unbelievable. It's certainly the most irritated I've ever been with the way a team went out. This episode barely had anything in it that meant anything that qualified as racing. The whole first half was totally insignificant because of the forced bunch at the charter buses. The second half was totally insignificant with the exception of one thing -- how you did getting from the clue box to the numbers. And the result is that the elimination appears random, which isn't usually the case. This is like the worst episodes of TAR 6, where there was just bunch after bunch to make sure that nothing would matter until the last ten minutes, but this is much worse, because in those cases, they usually left the opportunity for a close finish or for people to recover. This just polished the Aiellos off as soon as they pulled the last number. Hated this episode. Ha-ted it.
Anyway, Phil asks Tony about the awesomeness of the SILs, and Tony goes on about how much he loves them, which we knew. They all talk about how much they dig each other, which we also knew. I like these guys a lot, and this sucks.
Boo!
week: Racetrack. Oh, that's going to be fun.