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Out of Amish country, past the woman who lives in a shoe but rents it out for filming, and on to Washington, D.C. Some of the teams have a little trouble with the concept of multiple reflecting pools, and Papa Rogers earns himself the label "even deader to me than before" by doing the worst driving-related Great Santini number ever on Brock, only to turn out to be completely, utterly, totally wrong and 100 percent at fault his very own self. By the time the Rogers family gets to the silly spy shenanigans going on in our nation's capital, they're running behind. A Civil War Detour shows who's got muscle and who's⦠nine, and in the end, the Weavers snag first place while Papa Rogers and his unlucky brood (in more ways than one) come in last and are Philiminated. This week's lesson is that berating your own children isn't particularly becoming for anyone, and that agreeing to blame yourself this time doesn't alleviate the creepy feelings you create about how you treat them the rest of the time. Gross. Oh, and I missed about two minutes as a result of the fact that Twin Cities residents were preparing to build a big boat and start looking for pairs of animals. I'm assuming I didn't miss any nudity or anything. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Introductory props to my inimitable Music Stylist for shipping me a DVD of this episode before being asked, so that I would not have a storm-coverage gap. I'm so glad the Packers won a game for you at last. (Confidential to Vikings fans: I am obviously lying.)
Previously on They Wouldn't Call Them Fossil Fuels If They Didn't Intend For You To Make Them Extinct, Now Would They?: A highly unusual edition began with ten families of four, and if you've ever seen "The Four-Legged Zoo," you know this means there are 40 people tearing around trying to confuse us all. The group went flying into Manhattan in their GMC Yukon Not-From-Here-Mobiles, immediately facing a whole new kind of transportation curse in the form of a strong possibility of being murdered by a cab driver while hesitating at an intersection. The Gaghans and Blacks were the ones with adorable moppets, the Paolos were the ones where their daddy was a war machine and their mama was long and suffering, the Godlewskis were the little pinkies who went gabble-gabble-gabble all the way home, the Linzes thought a pestering sister was a festering blister, the Bransens were a homophone for the home of Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede & Show, the Rogerses took parts of the Bible extremely seriously and were really looking forward to the part involving the inheriting of the wind, the Schroeders were like, "Daaaaad," the Aiellos were FIL-led with big love, and the Weavers had the season's first major accident ("AAAAAAAAHHH!"), which wasn't nearly as hysterically funny as the season's first minor accident ("DOINK"). The healing power of "She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain" was made manifest, particularly when accompanied by a well-timed "Yee-ha!", and the pinks ultimately were first to the mat. Poor Megan was forced to spit out the line, "It's the Black family and our family!", but she and her brothers emerged victorious and the Black family was Philiminated. They're still really cute, though. I will miss you, Very Awkwardly Named Family. One down, nine to go. Who will be Philiminated...?
Credits. Of all the dorky introductory dorkerrific shots that ever dorked, I think the Linzes and their slow thumbs-up turn to the camera is the dorkiest one of them all. There's more to Midwestern hipsters than Fonzie, you know.
Commercials. BP: The Official Gas Of Trying Not To Run Out Of Gas.
We return to the rolling hills of Amish country, where Harrison Ford is still hiding under a bed. As is usually the case in idyllic network-ized versions of the lives of people who don't have TiVo, this is a place where the birds are happy, the horses are happy, and it appears that all is as it should be. Even Phil seems especially warm as he tells us that we are in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It's not only a "picturesque farming area," but also -- and here, we observe a fairly creepy Giant Amish Man statue, standing to a buggy no longer containing people he apparently ate -- the center of the considerable Amish and Mennonite communities with which Pennsylvania comes equipped. This is the part of the state you could give a nickname having to do with "brotherly love" without being ironic.
Specifically, we are at the Rohrer family farm, which served as our pit stop. I like how Phil calls it a "traditional Mennonite homestead," so you know it's not one of the ones with a roller-coaster. Phil says it "was the first pit stop...in The Amazing Race." Oh, altered patter, how you do emphasize all that we've lost. He might as well say, "The first pit stop...in a racenotsomucharoundtheworld." As Phil explains, the teams arrived at the pit stop for "a mandatory rest period." Will they eat? Sleep? Mingle? Play Monopoly? Phil wonders whether the endless fighting will send them to a fate merciless to them and merciful to the rest of us (try not to freeze frame on the shots of Mama Paolo screaming in the back seat, because you'll have trouble sleeping), and ponders whether the Linzes will ever figure out where in the hell they're going and get out of last place. Or will they harvest the power of the gas their bodies produce and propel themselves into first place?
7:57 AM. Clearly not 12 hours after their shrieky-deaky arrival, the Godlewskis stand on the mat, prepared to leave. The pinks aren't so pink today -- instead, they're wearing T-shirts with people's faces Photoshopped onto them, and I don't even want to know what that's about. I have a feeling that pun-adorned clothing is going to make an appearance here at some point. The clue tells them to drive to Shoehouse Road in York, Pennsylvania. Phil explains that it's about 15 miles to York, and when they find Shoehouse Road, they'll look for...the Shoe House. Which is a house, but it's shaped like a shoe. I hope you're paying attention, because , I will be asking you what an ice-cream cone is. On top of the shoe, they'll find their clue. I am all about accidental doggerel.
Incidentally, you should know that this entire episode was accompanied in my area by flash flood warnings, and let me tell you, they were deadly accurate. I've never been up over my ankles in water in a city street before.
The Gadzookskis take off, and Tricia uses her two side ponytails of seriousness to say that they're proud that they won the first leg, even though they "bicker and argue." They do? I guess it's hard to tell what they're doing when they're all talking at the same time, which is usually. I can't imagine they fight, though, because how can you fight when you can't even process what anyone else is saying? They take off, saying that they need to find a gas station. Hey, I have an idea! How about a BP station? I hear they're awesome!
8:07 AM. Team Gaghan. As they go, Tammy says that she thinks the other families just saw them as "dragging the kids" through the race. But now that they came in second, the other teams will hopefully see them as a threat. Don't underestimate them! Or anyone else! Their children will kick your ass, buddy! Bill directs Tammy onto 30 West, today's Road Of Special Significance.
8:08 AM. Weavers. Mama Weaver interviews that it took her a while after her husband died to realize that she had to "step up to the plate." She thinks the race will bring the family together. She's certainly stepping up now, if stepping up involves increasing the volume at which you holler with excitement. In the car, she lectures that nobody had better plan to "slack," because everyone will have to give their respective all and so forth. It's always good to open a leg by anticipating that your teammates will probably be a bunch of disappointing lazy-asses. I really admire her kids for not saying something like, "'Slack'? We're not the ones who sat there while the vehicle in which the team was traveling literally rolled over us, Flatty McLimbo."
8:09 AM. Team Rogers. In the pre-race interview where he looks like he's trying to be the biggest bad-ass outlaw in the entire Click Five, Brock says that his father is "definitely in charge." Mm-hmm. There's some more talk about how Papa Rogers always thinks his way is best. I wonder if that's foreshadowing of some sort. Also, as the day of racing begins, Brock is wearing a shirt that says "I [heart] [heart] TWINS." That [equals sign] [equals sign] stupid.
8:18 AM. Schroeders. Stassi explains in an interview that she and her family went into the race thinking they knew everything and would be number one. Gee, I wonder which member of the family was responsible for that theory. Must have been a big blowhard, whoever it was. Incidentally, Stassi is one of many young women her age who could stand to stop layering things with thin straps over things with thick straps, because that just looks silly. Anyway, Stassi says that the family isn't as "prepared" as they expected, but they're "learning." Hm. They close up their cargo carrier and go. I think they'd learn more if they took the muzzle off of poor Hunter, who is currently registering as little more than an empty orange polo shirt.
In the Godlewski car, the urgent guitar funk brings the news that they are pulling in to fill up with gas. You can't tell whether it's a BP station, meaning that it probably isn't.
Meanwhile, Tammy Gaghan gives a nice explanation of how she and Bill spent last evening looking at maps and getting into "cruise mode," but her efforts are all for naught, because the entire time, we are looking at Billy in the back seat, making faces. Why yes, he is twelve, thanks for asking. Dad doesn't seem to be paying any attention to him, but he's certainly cracking his sister up. As the kids continue to screw around, Tammy ultimately says to them that she and Dad "need to focus." "We're in race mode," Dad tells them. "Not in...stupid mode." As much as I normally dislike suggesting your kids are doing anything stupid, what fascinates me about that is that he says it as if being in stupid mode is perfectly okay at the right time and place. Not ready to get out of stupid mode -- and thus a little easier for me to relate to than when he was in unending "I'm sorry I couldn't contribute" mode -- Billy continues to make faces, and my favorite part is that you can see Carissa's hand appear behind her father and poke Billy in the shoulder. You know, some things about bringing your kids on car trips are universal, camera or no camera, and that's probably a good thing.
Sharon is still filling up the Gabbleski car, and her sisters ultimately insist that ten gallons is enough, and they need to get going. Back in the car, they head for Route 30. The Weavers are busy doing the same, although they apparently lack confidence in their map, so they ask for divine assistance as a backup. (God [booming voice]: "Would it be all right if I got someone else lost instead? I'd certainly like to help you win money, and I have a 'two birds with one stone' thing in mind, righteousness-wise.") In other parts of the God-fearing universe, in the Rogers car, Papa Rogers is driving, but he's telling the family to be on the lookout for Shoehouse Road. So you'll notice that when certain people are doing the driving, the entire family is responsible for watching the road for signs. The Schroeders, meanwhile, are taking what Papa Mark characterizes as a "shortcut." It's too bad he actually has a whole bunch of people in his car, because he totally seems like the type to come up with inventive ways to abuse the carpool lane. I imagine down jackets stuffed with old underwear.
8:21 AM. Paolos. Booooo! DJ and Mama are already yelling at each other as the team leaves the mat, and she gripes in an interview that nobody listens to her. I have learned that there are certain people whose physical presence I find so abrasive and irritating that I cannot have a good time while they are in the room, and I can't help thinking this family might be among them. She says that they ought to realize that if she's persistent about something, there's probably a point to what she's saying. Of course, when you deliver everything with your voice cranked up to Gawwwwwd, it's less likely that people are going to listen to you. They fill up their cargo carrier. DJ tells us in a interview that his "mother's nagging is constant." It's so pitiful that this kid has no idea how he comes off at all. He very clearly expects us to be like, "Dude, I so totally hear you; your mother is such a pain!" And while that's true, it's also true that he is worse, much more relentless, and infinitely meaner. He combines his mother's relentlessness and tin ear with a certain meanness she doesn't seem to have. I think that of all these unlikable people, he is my least favorite.
8:24 AM. Bransens. Wally switches things up by telling us that he underestimated his own team, figuring they maybe "wouldn't do that well." But he's happy with how they're doing so far. Elizabeth points out for those who weren't paying attention that Wally is not an optimist. There's something about this team that just doesn't register with me. Aside from the fact that all the Tonyas are young and blonde, what about this family's dynamic would ever have suggested to anyone that they would be a good choice for one of only ten families from the entire country? They all seem like nice people, but...frankly, they seem like the family you would get if you averaged every nice, upper-middle-class family in the Midwest. I have yet to see any evidence that the Tonyas have personalities distinct from each other, and that's probably the biggest problem of all. They head for Route 30.
8:37 AM. Aiello. SIL Kevin talks about how much they all want to impress Tony, who's such a big family guy. SIL Matt agrees that indeed, they are trying to make Tony proud. This would be a lot more intriguing if it weren't obvious that Tony totally loves all these boys.
8:45 AM. The last team to leave is the Linzes. Megan delivers some generalized talk about how it's not great to be leaving in last place, but there's no point in getting down on yourselves, blah blah. Tommy is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals-y football jersey that says "Perry" on the back and sports #26, leading to my receipt of a puzzled text message from one of my more football-knowledgeable friends demanding to know how it's possible that Cincinnati backup running back Chris Perry has fans. But Cincinnati backup running back Chris Perry is listed as #23, so this will have to remain a mystery. Why is Tommy wearing a "Perry" jersey that doesn't align with any existing Perry? This is what we are asking. Was there an appropriate Perry in the past? I demand an explanation. Otherwise, we're going with Cincinnati backup running back Chris Perry and a misprint.
At any rate, the Linzes talk about needing to make up time, and they drive off.
The Gaghans spot the giant shoe and the flag on top. The shoe does not look like it would be very comfortable if you were a giant and you tried to wear it. Although your toes would be nicely aerated by the windows. They stop, and Bill hops out, ignoring Carissa's insistence that she could do it, probably because they're stopping along what appears to be a pretty busy highway. I think they're stopped right on the big road rather than pulling onto the small road, so Bill just runs the rest of the way. He runs to the top of the shoe and pulls out the clue. Back in the car, he reads the family the clue, which tells them to drive to Washington, D.C. Phil says it's 110 miles to Washington from where they are, and that they have to find the reflecting pool in front of the U.S. Capitol. That's "Capitol," the building, not "capital," the city. A critical distinction, as it turns out. At the reflecting pool, they'll find the clue box. Papa Gaghan directs Tammy to get back on 30 West to 83 South.
Interestingly enough, the team to the big shoe is the Schroeders. One point for Mark's shortcut, I guess. Stassi runs up and gets the clue. As the Godlewskis arrive and get the clue as well, the Schroeders head for 30 West. Tricia Godlewski also says "30 West." The Weavers arrive at the shoe and collect their clue. Back in the car, Rebecca wonders, "Where's Washington, D.C.?" I believe it's Rachel who adds the wonderful line, "What state is that in? Washington?" "We're going to Maryland," Mama Weaver declares, saying the first spatially sensible thing since they opened the clue. This episode is brought to you by the number 30 and the direction "West," and a lot of really depressed geography teachers.
Team Rogers gets to the shoe house. Brock fetches the clue. When he's back in the car, Brock and his father swap places so that Brock is driving. Denny, while he starts out saying, "I'm the navigator," wants to know whether Brock was paying attention to how they got here, and Brock says he was. And then Papa Rogers says, "30 East," declaring that to be the way to 83 South. Now, if you Mapquest yourself a look at Shoehouse Road and Route 30, you'll see that there's nothing particularly confusing about where they're situated with regard to 83 South. He's just mixing up his east and his west, it would appear, because Shoehouse Road is unequivocally east, by a few miles, of 83 South. He's just plain wrong.
The Paolos get to the shoe. DJ fetches the clue, and they leave. Just then, they see the Bransens arriving. Papa Paolo directs DJ to 30 West. When Lindsay-Tonya brings back the Bransens' clue, they head back out to Route 30.
Aiellos get their clue. They're very excited about where they're going, because SIL David lives right near D.C.
Team Linz shows up at the shoe in last place. "We're going to go 30 West," one of them says, probably while farting. ["Why you keep saying that like it's a bad thing, I just do not understand. [poot!]" -- Sars] Alex, incidentally, is the one wearing the stupid "Who Dey" shirt this week. I do not like that shirt.
The Gaghans put themselves on 83 South, followed by the Schroeders. In the Godlewski car, Sharon is teased about how much she undoubtedly loves having three backseat drivers. Not only that, but ones who talk at the same time are surely even more fun. The Weavers also get themselves to 83 South. The Rogerses, on the other hand, are accompanied by spooky music that indicates that things with their route are not entirely right. Indeed, they are all beginning to be surprised that they haven't seen a sign for 83 South yet. Brock also mentions that he hasn't seen any other teams. "You're responsible for finding 83 South," Papa Rogers says, setting up the blame for later. The Paolos, on the other hand, find 83 South, and then the Bransens.
In the Aiello car, SIL David is in the tragic position of falling victim to I Live There And I Don't Need No Stinking Clue disease, as he knows from experience that the famous reflecting pool in D.C. is the one that's...between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. Well...but the clue says "U.S. Capitol," right? I mean...it's not that the Capitol isn't roughly near those other buildings, but those aren't "at" the U.S. Capitol. Too bad. The Linzes, on the other hand, are using the We Know Nothing But What's On The Clue theory, so they find the Capitol on their map and its associated reflecting pool. Good for them. In fact, they double-check, because they see both pools on the map, and Alex confirms that the clue says "the reflecting pool at the U.S. Capitol." Nick declares that there will be no stopping, so any peeing will be "in a cup." "Ew," Megan says. If they remain in the race, they're going to run out of bodily functions about which to make jokes, I have to say. Pretty soon, we're going to be down to cleaning out your ears.
And now, your moment of extreme pain for the episode. In the Rogers car, Papa Rogers says, "Excuse me, excuse me. We have passed up 83 South. We are way off." "Did we go the wrong direction?" Brock asks, fairly immediately hitting on the problem, which I imagine he's been suspecting for some time and only didn't bring it up because he knew his father wouldn't listen to him. "Well, I'm reading the map," Papa says, all pissy, as if he needed to bury his head in the map the entire time rather than looking for signs. "We didn't pass it," Brock insists. "We did pass it, Brock," his mother says, not really having any idea, quite clearly, but never even bothering to wonder whether Denny is wrong and Brock is right.
Because -- follow me, here. You're looking at the map. You can see that you've "passed up" 83 South. That means you're looking at the map and you're seeing where you are, and where 83 South is, and you have to know that you're not heading in the direction of 83 South. So Papa has looked, and he has seen that he is substantially east of 83 South, and he knows that he's driving away from it. So if he was looking at the map before, and if he could see where they started, he can see that 83 South is not between where they are and where they started. In other words, if he legitimately saw where they were, and he saw 83 South, but he just mixed up the words "east" and "west" inside his mouth, he'd have been looking west toward 83 South on the map, so by the time he figured out where they were, he'd see what happened. This, on the other hand, indicates that either he wasn't aware of where they started, or he's just not paying attention, or he's just being stubborn, because if he can see that they're east of 83 South, he should be able to see that they didn't pass it, and that he sent Brock in the wrong direction.
Anyway, Brock says again that he didn't see 83 South. "That's okay," his mom says, all forgiving even though she never even considered giving him the benefit of the doubt. "Not seeing it and not passing it's two different things," his father says coldly. No chance. He leaves no chance the kid isn't wrong. "Let Dad drive again," Mom Rogers says, backing up the theory that the kid sucks with the little "that's okay, sweetie, you're just too dumb, so let your dad take over" half of the soul-crushing equation. "Get up here and turn around," she says "gently." Back in the car, Brock says, "There was no 83. There was no exit." Papa Rogers, however, goes on to patronizingly explain to the camera, "We took our eye off the ball. We said '83 South' to the driver, and we passed up the exit." You can see on Brock's face as they drive on that he knows he didn't pass it. He's positive he didn't pass it. I suspect that when his father tells him something like that, he makes damn sure he doesn't pass it, because this is what happens, with the berating and the putting down and the getting maps bounced off his head.
Commercials. I've learned that very few people are interesting enough to actually justify unlimited calling.
When we return, we get to hear Papa Rogers bitching out his kid again, but then he asks Brittney -- sweetly calling her "Bri" in spite of his foul mood, of course, to underline that he still loves her -- whether they're getting close to 83. Looking at exactly the same map her father was supposedly looking at before, Brittney immediately says, "There was no 83 exit the direction we went." Brock looks over. "What'd I say?" he asks, irked. "You were right," Mama Rogers finally admits. Brock does a little imitation of his father's bitching, which his father more than richly deserves. "We need to listen to Brock more," Brittney says simply. Believe it or not, in spite of being 100 percent at fault for everything that just happened, Papa Rogers does not respond by apologizing, or by feeling like a dick. He responds by saying that apparently he gave the family the wrong instruction but adding, "Only one person can do so much." So now, having struck out with blaming Brock, he's taking a not-so-subtle sideswipe at his wife and at Brittney -- the former of whom we will later learn has a concussion at the moment and the latter of whom just showed him up as the goat of the situation, not to mention daring to openly say they ought to quit assuming Brock is stupid -- by implying that it's because they're useless and he had to do everything that the team wound up in this situation. So what have we just learned? Not only is Dad never wrong, but if you support your brother and point out that Dad is wrong, Dad's coming for you . That is some ugly behavior.
The Amazing Map...is a road atlas. I want to cry. Anyway, Phil explains that all the teams are now on their way to D.C. Then: reflecting pool.
The Gaghans get to D.C., and they're focused on the pool that's "by the Lincoln Memorial." Noooo! Wrong pool! They park, and they look, but...yeah. Not going to happen. The Schroeders proceed to do exactly the same thing, and the teams run into each other and then separate. The Gadzookskis get into town, though, and they holler while heading for the U.S. Capitol. See, this is what happens if you read your clue. The Weavers run into a guy they ask for directions, and he clarifies that there are two reflecting pools, but when he says they're right by the one for the Capitol and can park, they squeal (of course) and hop out. And the Weavers are, in return for being the first team to actually read the clue and find the correct reflecting pool, the first to the clue box. The Godlewskis are close behind. Earplugs, people. Put them in. When the Weavers open the clue, it tells them to find a limousine parked on Third Street and collect a briefcase from "an unseen contact." It's some kind of Washington thing, in which case they shouldn't be receiving briefcases of information; they should be giving out briefcases of money they got from TRMPAC. Then, they'll take the briefcase to the Tidal Basin, where they'll get another clue. The Weavers find the limo, and a guy hands them a briefcase. They take off. The Godlewskis do the same.
Gaghans. Searching, searching. Schroeders. Searching, searching. But Mark stops a guy pretty quickly and says, "This is the only reflecting pool in Washington, D.C., correct?" The guy says that there's one at the U.S. Capitol. As the Schroeders peel out, they pass the Gaghans again, and Char directs the family to act like they have no idea what's going on, which they do. It's exactly what I would do -- I wouldn't help anybody, I don't think. Although I do have a weakness for assisting lost moppets.
Mama Paolo is concerned about the gas situation. Indeed, the needle is very close to the "E." DJ insists that they're good to get where they're going. They find the reflecting pool in third place. Ew. They find the limo, and as Mama continues to tell them they really need to take care of the gas situation, they continue to ignore her. Incidentally, it's somewhere along here that you learn that Papa yells just as much and as loudly as the rest of them. I'm not sure whether I'm relieved that they're all in it together or sad that there's not even one person to feel bad for.
Team Bransen has also brought itself to the wrong reflecting pool. The Tonyas want to jog around and look, but it appears that their father wants to...walk around and look, a little bit more. The Aiellos are at the wrong reflecting pool, too. But almost immediately, they take a look at a local map, and they figure out the error, so it presumably cost them very little time. I think it must have at least occurred to them that this didn't precisely match the clue.
The Gaghans finish a lap around the wrong reflecting pool. This is the part where you reread the clue. Because in cases where the clue doesn't imply that finding the clue should be tricky, it's usually kind of right there, so as soon as you don't find it within relatively easy range, you at least have to read the clue again. Gotta do it. But they apparently don't.
The Linzes picked the right pool by skillfully deploying the act of reading, so they're close. The redirected Schroeders are right with them, and actually get the clue just ahead of the Linzes. Both these teams get their briefcases and head back to their cars to go to the Tidal Basin. Aiellos get the clue and briefcase.
Those nutty, noisy Godlewskis are some formidable racers, y'all, and they wind up being first at the Tidal Basin, where they pull a clue leading to this week's Roadblock. In the Roadblock, you basically...well, there are a bunch of people walking around with briefcases, and you go up to all of them and say, "The sky is blue," and you wait for one of them to say, "The sea is green," at which point they will trade you their briefcase for yours. Lame, lame. It's supposed to make you think of spies and stuff, but if this is the most spy-inspired Roadblock they could come up with, it again is a weak showing. Phil also doesn't state any limit on the number of Roadblocks any person can do, so I have no idea whether the limit is in place here or not. Sharon takes the briefcase and sets off. Right after she unsuccessfully approaches her first "spy," another flood warning starts here in the Twin Cities with a hearty "bleeeep." For a split second, Trash and M. Giant and I all think one of the pinks dropped a big swear word, and we really wish she had. We're a little sad when it just turns out that it's just more flash flooding. Sharon keeps looking.
The Weavers are all shrieking at Rebecca about the driving on the way to the Tidal Basin, and if they really hate her driving this much, you'd think someone else would take over, at least for a while. ["I nominate Rolly." -- Sars]
Paolos hit the Basin and get the Roadblock clue. DJ takes it, and apparently in response for saying, "Take your time, relax," Mama gets hit with another exasperated "Ma, please!" They're all just lovely. DJ hits up some folks, but has no luck. Sharon Gadzooski, however, finds a real live "spy," so she gets her briefcase and the clue. She reads it, and it sends them to Welbourne Manor a "historic antebellum home" in Middleburg, Virginia. It's 49 miles or so, so says Phil. Sharon runs the clue back to her team.
DJ Ice Ice Paolo continues freaking out.
The Weavers hit the Roadblock in third place, and Rebecca takes it for her team. The unhappy Paolos watch as Sharon returns and the pinks take off for Middleburg. "We're just kickin' aaaass, ladies!" Sharon says. I need no more of that.
Rebecca and DJ are still doing the dance of The Sky Is Blue. She hits a real spy first, and -- you guessed it -- she shrieks all the way back. They leave for Middleburg. Elsewhere, DJ finally gets his briefcase swapped, and because the guy who gives it to him is African-American, DJ decides that "I love you, my brother" is the thing to say. Shut. Up. He runs back to his family.
The Schroeders show up, and Dad takes the Roadblock, saying, "I'll do it. Because it might be hard." Eeew. The Paolos finally leave. Good riddance. They take a moment to note the Pentagon. For some reason.
Mark Schroeder goes up to a woman in a black suit. "The sky is blue." She fucks with him a little bit by pausing, but then she just walks away. "I think her panties are too tight," he says. I would pause to note the lameness of that line, except I'm too busy being impressed with him for not making a joke about how he bets it's that time of the month, because that's the only thing that would have been more hysterically inventive.
At the wrong reflecting pool, they're letting Carissa throw a coin in and make a wish. For the clue. Hee. The Bransens are still looking, too, and the Tonyas are noting that Dad can't run around with them quite as much as they'd like. Wally interviews that he's been surprised that he's not as fit as he thought, and he hopes not to let the Tonyas down.
At the Tidal Basin, we have the Aiellos and Linzes arriving. SIL David and Nick take the Roadblock for their respective teams.
Papa Schroeder walks up to a white-haired gentleman and says, "Hey, Pops. The sky is blue." "Pops"? Rather than give Papa Schroeder the kick in the balls he deserves, "Pops" hands him the briefcase he needs. On his way back to the clue, Mark passes Nick and David, telling them they "look dashing together." He is much more impressed with his own smart-assitude than I am, I will tell you that much. Papa Schroeder returns to the fold, and they leave in fourth place.
In the Paolo car, they're theoretically headed for Middleburg, but first, they have to find a gas station. As Mama Paolo points out, they could have stopped back when...you know, she said to. But DJ continues to tell his mother to shut up and so forth.
At the Tidal Basin, Nick is sky-is-blue-ing the strangers some more. David is first to find a spy, so he gets the clue and starts back. "One to a person? Oh, you're kidding," Nick says, so I guess each spy only can hand off to one Roadblocker, at least until they can go back and get another one. David wishes Nick luck as he runs off. When David returns to the clue box with the briefcase, Megan asks if Nick was "near [him] at all." "He was," David offers. The Aiellos leave in fifth place.
Team Rogers pulls over, and Brittney asks directions to "the reflecting pool." She's told that it's near the Washington Monument. Mm-hmm. "You can't miss it," the guy says, and then there's some talk about famous last words and so forth. Dun dun duuuuuun!
Up at Team Gaghan, Billy wants to ask people for help, but his dad wants to know what they'd ask. See, I think Dad is fixated on the idea that because they've seen other teams come and go, they're at the right place and just not seeing the clue box. I don't think it's occurring to him right now that they could be at the wrong place entirely. Billy's spot-on, but I understand why his parents don't get the point. If you were at the Washington Monument and just couldn't find the box, it's hard to say what you'd ask. So Billy's idea is squelched, and they just keep looking.
Commercials. Or, more specifically, flood warnings, at least where I was. Paul Douglas wants you not to drown in your driveway.
When we get back, the Gaghans are still at the wrong reflecting pool, still looking around. One of them claims, at least, that they got to the pool two hours ago, which...yikes. That is way too long. You at least have to go back at that point and consider every possibility, ever, just as Papa Schroeder did when he went up to someone and said, "This is the only reflecting pool?" and so forth.
Team Rogers shows up at the wrong reflecting pool. The Bransens are still there, too, and Wally and the Tonyas look again at the clue. They ask a local whether there's a reflecting pool that's actually by the Capitol building, and -- ding! -- they learn that there is. Oops. They head back to the car. When Team Rogers and Team Gaghan run into each other and Team Gaghan reveals how long they've been there, the teams take the clue out again and read it. Here's an interesting fact -- these teams left at almost the same time, and the Gaghans have kicked around the reflecting pool for two hours. Team Rogers has had some problems today besides going east instead of west when they only had to go about seven miles to get to 83 South in the first place. If they drove east for such a long time that they lost two hours, that tells you a little something about how hesitant people are to contradict Papa, who should have been able to see on the map that 83 shouldn't take long to show up. Anyway, when these two teams look at their clues again, they find that -- guess what? The clue says at the U.S. Capitol. You're telling me the Gaghans didn't do a careful clue-read after the first, say, hour of wandering around? Again, I can only say "zoiks" to that. The two teams go and ask at an information booth, and they learn of the existence of the other reflecting pool. They both run for their cars. "Hopefully, our car is closer," Billy says. He's got the hang of the racing part, that's for sure. The Bransens are on their way as well. In the Rogers car, Dad is now making a comment about how it's "very unfortunate" that the team will pay for his mistakes. Well, yes. But really? Not the point.
At last, the Gaghans reach the correct reflecting pool. They are followed by the Bransens. Billy and Tammy get the briefcase from the limo guy, and they head for the Tidal Basin. The Bransens get their briefcase.
Then, finally, Team Rogers arrives at the clue box. They get their briefcase and leave.
Finally, Team Paolo, still yelling at each other the entire time, pulls in and buys some gas. Well, there goes my hope that they would peter out by the side of the road and argue until they were arrested for disturbing the peace. Mama gripes while they're at the gas station about whether DJ even understands that they need to put gas in the car periodically. Delightful! DJ continues driving them on and on toward their doom.
Nick is still looking for a spy. The Gaghans pull the Roadblock, and Tammy takes it. Nick then finally gets the clue and comes back, and Tammy gets hers as well. So Nick and Tammy return to their teams at just about the same time, meaning that those teams had some seriously different luck. Gaghans and Linzes leave in sixth and seventh place. Both teams claim to be looking for 50 West.
Bransens get the Roadblock, and Wally takes it, which kind of makes no sense, since he's been visibly tired. The girls seem to immediately know they shouldn't have gone along with this, but it's apparently too late now.
The Rogers family, still cursed from earlier, is seeking directions to the Tidal Basin. The Paolos are lost trying to get out of Washington, so DJ is predictably whining about how none of the rest of the people on his team can read a map. I am so tired of him, seriously. It normally takes me more than two episodes to get all the way to "SHUT UP!" from the bottom of my heart, but here we are. "Blame the three of you, because none of you evah, evah, EVAH listen to me!" his mother hollers. DJ grabs the map and looks for himself, and -- surprise! -- he continues whining.
Godlewskis and Weavers approach Middleburg. Remember them? They're out in front. Other folks, meanwhile, run into a traffic jam on Interstate 66, heading west. The Linzes spot themselves an exit that they think can get them around the traffic jam, so they get off the highway. Which is a good choice, compared to staying on the interstate, but what's interesting is that if you figure out where they got off 66, Mapquest would have told them to never have gone that far on 66 anyway. All these teams, if they all stayed on 66 for that long, arguably took an inefficient route, and the Linzes just took one that was less inefficient than staying on the path would have been. Look at this here map. The Linzes hopped off I-66 way down by Manassas. As you'll see from the purple line, they could have just gotten on 50 much sooner. So while the Linzes left talking about 50 West, they apparently decided not to take it, but to stay on 66 instead and then cut north on 15. I am officially a map dork.
In other words, I think it's not quite the brilliant maneuver it looks like.
Wally finishes the Bransen Roadblock, so he has officially survived it, anyway. They leave for Middleburg.
Traffic jam for Paolos and Bransens.
Weavers hit the Roadblock, and Brittney takes it. She gets their clue and heads back. They leave.
The Godlewskis are in Middleburg, so now they're just looking for Welbourne Manor. Weavers are there as well. Prepare yourselves, people of Middleburg, Virginia, for you are about to be invaded by a wall of sound. They see a big sign, but the Weavers ultimately get there first. Phil explains that the clue they pull leads to the week's Detour. Your choices are Heat Of The Battle and Heat Of The Night. In Battle, you and your team go into the middle of a Civil War reenactment and carry five "dead" "soldiers" off on a stretcher. In Night, you and your team roll a barrel of oil to a station where you fill 20 oil lamps. Then you take the lamps to a table and light all 20. In either event, once they're done, they'll get a flag (since this is the season of flag-carrying flag-liking flag-lovers), which they'll run with to the pit stop.
Weavers hunt around for the Detour options as the Gabbleskis grab their clue and pick Battle. The pinks head out into battle with their stretcher as the cannons and gunfire begin. My goodness, this certainly is all very dramatic. The locals always clearly want to shoot at the teams, but they usually don't actually do it with cannons and stuff. The Weavers are sort of wandering around, but they do find their way to the staging area. The pinks, meanwhile, pick up their first guy. Mama Weaver doesn't think the five soldiers sound like a great option for her somewhat wussy team, so they choose the lamps, because this way, she can get rolled over by the barrel of oil. Just kidding! They start filling lamps, caring very little about the fact that they're dumping large quantities of oil onto the ground. I'm sure the groundwater doesn't mind. Lamp oil tastes like Dr. Pepper. The pinks carry their first soldier.
The Linzes are to the Detour, so apparently, whatever they did was indeed less dumb than what other people did. They choose the soldiers. The pinks and Linzes carry; the Weavers fill lamps. The Weavers finish filling and move on to lighting their lamps. The Schroeders, Bransens, and Aiellos hit the Detour, and the Schroeders take the lamps while the Bransens and Aiellos take the soldiers. I think you can almost always get people to do five of anything over 20 of anything. The mind plays tricks on people.
Team Linz and the pinks continue carrying soldiers. The Weavers continue lighting lamps. Bransens and Aiellos start with soldiers, and SIL David, much as he did with the flag thing, tells us how this is so meaningful to him because he's a Marine, and...I get it, really, but...I get it. If you see what I mean. The Linzes and pinks have only one soldier left, and the Weavers have only a couple of lamps left. The Weavers are done lighting their lamps first, so they grab their flag and take off -- shrieking -- for the pit stop. The Linzes finish carrying soldiers and head for the pit stop as well, but as we stare longingly at Phil (could be just me) at the pit stop, we see that it is...the...Weavers landing on the mat first. They're so excited, and they just can't hide it. They've won a trip to Bermuda, and they think they like it. Rachel says she's happy with her mom for taking responsibility for them and everything. I just can't find anything about these people to relate to, and I'm starting to think that it's because four people on each team means that you never get to know anything about any individual person. All the teams are kind of a blur, with the exception of people who really stand out demographically, like Carissa, or people who really stand out behaviorally, like DJ.
Congratulations, Linzes, you're team number two. And Gadzookskis, you're team number three.
Wally is struggling with the dead bodies. He abruptly declares to his daughters that it's not happening. No dead bodies for Wally! What will the Tonyas do now?
Commercials. I'm upset that Cameron Crowe has made a movie I'm not sure I want to see. That feels wrong to me.
When we return, Wally does buck up and go back to carrying the dead. Yay!
And here come the Gaghans. "Battlefield, battlefield!" Billy says. As they walk out there, Carissa remarks, "The guys are...fighting. How do we know we're not gonna get shot?" I do think that's a bit of a heavy scene for a nine-year-old. Reenactment or not, I'm surprised they made this call. Mom tells her not to worry, but...it's still so noisy, you know? At nine, I would not have liked it.
The Schroeders have finished filling their lamps, so now, they work on lighting them. Bransens and Aiellos are still carrying soldiers. The Gaghans work on picking up their first soldier, and the way the family has the stretcher arranged, Mom and Dad are at the corners, because...that's the way it's going to go. "Carissa's not doin' anything," Billy complains. "She's trying, honey," Tammy tells him. "Can I get Carissa's job?" Billy snots. Smart-ass. Furthermore, he kind of has Carissa's job. His parents are doing the carrying, so. ["This is probably an oldest-child thing, but when your mother asks 'the two of you' to do chores or whatever, and you end up doing them yourself because the younger kid is too small to help and s/he's just getting underfoot? You're over it. It's not Carissa's fault, obviously, but I'm kind of feeling Billy on this one." -- Sars]
"One more, we go and see Phil," says a SIL as the Aiellos continue working. Heh. That's what I'd be concentrating on, too. The Bransens are on their last soldier, too. The Gaghans complete their first carry.
Schroeders finish lighting the lamps. They take their flag and run. Welcome, you are team number four.
Tony Aiello pronounces himself "wicked tired," but the SILs assure him it'll be okay. He tells us in an interview that he teases the SILs that they traded up when they married his daughters, but he says he's really been impressed with them the last few days. I don't think it's that big of a change -- it's a nice hook, but this is clearly a close family where the FIL/SIL relationships were already pretty healthy. They finish the soldiers and run for the mat. The SILs prod Tony as they find the Bransens suddenly hard on their heels. SIL Matt actually has Tony by the hand as they run up to the mat. Not far from that to spooning, you know. So the Aiellos are number five, and the Bransens are number six.
Carissa has now been relegated to carrying hats and things as the Gaghans continue with the soldiers. They finish, and they take their flag to the finish line. Team number seven. Given the gazillion hours of fucking up that occurred earlier in the day, it's a good finish for them.
The Paolos, apparently victims of atrocious navigation between D.C. and Middleburg, finally arrive at the Detour. They choose the soldiers.
Team Rogers, driving toward Welbourne Manor, getting directions.
Paolos finish their second soldier and Mama says she doesn't think she can do it.
Rogerses pick the soldiers, but after they've done one, they realize that Mama -- who's apparently still dragging from the header she took in the opening, according to the Early Show interview these folks did -- isn't up to four more soldiers, and Papa and the kids can't really do it without her. So they switch to the lamps.
The Paolos carry. The Rogerses fill. Shooting. Carrying. Filling. This is the biggest win-win situation ever, with the only possible bad outcome being a non-elimination leg. As you can imagine, this is all edited together to be very, very close, but you never actually see the families in the same shot, nor do they ever refer to seeing each other. Nevertheless, they drag it out to the last minute, and arriving at the mat first...it's the Paolos. Yeesh. I really want those people to go away. I think I would have rather seen Team Rogers spared, and you know what it takes for me to say that. ["…Brock?" -- Sars]
And then, here comes Team Rogers. You are last. You are eliminated. Go away. Papa says, "I made a mistake and I led my guys in the wrong direction." In an interview, he says: "It's my responsibility to take the blame, if there's blame to be cast." Brock puts in, quite understandably, that if his family had listened to him better, they might not have been eliminated. Papa goes on to say this remarkable thing: "The one thing that I always tried to show Brock is you can't get to where you need to go in this life casting stones and blaming other people for your misfortunes." Hell of a job he's doing. You know, most people, if they said they were doing that, would mean that they were trying to teach their kids that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone needs to take responsibility for his or her own actions. But I get the feeling that in this situation, what Brock is actually supposed to learn is that everything is his personal fault. Like, it's not so much trying to teach Brock that some things are his fault, as much as it is to teach Brock that everything is his fault. It's sad that this isn't being conveyed as a lesson in people not being perfect and not everything even being a matter of blame, because that's what Papa himself seems fairly determined not to get.
Mama says, "After this race, I'm the glue that will hold us together." So she apparently believes they're going to need glue, so that's not good to hear. Nice. I'm very relieved that they're going away.
Excecutive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: NASA stuff! The Aiellos having mud problems! Hey, I am actually concerned about that second one.