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I don't even remember what happened in this episode. I swear to God. It went on for two hours, there was drinkingâ¦okay, I will do my best. Ummâ¦there is Jamaica, and there are bad jokes about Jamaica. There is the limbo, which is maybe the coolest Roadblock ever. There areâ¦onions? Right, something about chopping onions. And a Detour that gets everybody building rafts, and then they all go to Puerto Rico, and then Miami. The long and the short of it is that Uchenna and Joyce get a zillion hours behind and get saved by an enormous bunch, and then they get aced out by Rob and Amber for a flight but manage to get the plane pulled back to the gate after it has already pulled away, which is unusual indeed. In short, they are privy to an explosive outpouring of good luck that allows them to stay even with Rob and Amber all the way to Miami and then beat them out on a taxi ride. It's not the most rational or merit-based of endings, but then, they rarely are, and it's hard not to find the ending perfectly lovely and wonderful, given that Rob and Amber don't need the money, and Ron and Kelly are even worse in this episode than they were previously, and they just don't like each other anymore. Soâ¦yay? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on The Season Is Long, But Compared To The Apprentice, It's Like Listening To The Flight Of The Bumblebee: In a season that feels like it's been going on since before any of us was born, eleven teams started out on a worldwide journey in which everyone else was so tired of Rob and Amber that they could do little else but talk about it all day long. The locals? Friendly! The locations? Beautiful! The controversy? Extensive! Seriously, people. It's the first season in which anyone ever wrote to inform me that because I like a different set of reality show contestants than she does, I deserve to wind up with a boyfriend who beats me. Because after all, not eating four pounds of meat is not honorable, and if you don't agree, I hope you get assaulted! Ha ha ha! Anyway. It's been about like that, in and out of South America, South Africa, India, Turkey, London, and the like. And now, it is almost over.
Credits. I love how there's a spitting llama crammed in there right near the end. Take that! Ptui! [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, Advil. Thank you for all the rich, marvelous feelings of numbness you bring to my life.
Rather brilliantly, our return to London begins with a nifty shot of a couple of Union Jack umbrellas, which strike me as something probably too dorky for actual Londoners to carry, even though I guess there are probably places where you can see American flag umbrellas. Carried by dorks, but still. Anyway, Phil welcomes us back to London, which Phil explains is "a city rich in history." I always am tempted to call bullshit on that description, because…don't all cities have the same total amount of history? As Phil strolls along the Thames, looking so smoking hot that one of us may combust shortly, he explains that we left our story at Potter's Field Park, the tenth pit stop on a racearoundtheworld. We review the arrivals, and then watch the teams share a toast in what would certainly appear to be a pub. Rob asks Uchenna and Joyce and Ron and Kelly which of them will be finishing second, and Joyce is all, "You are!", only she says it kind of too cutesy, which makes it less effective. She should've looked at him dead in the eye and said it straight. Because that? Would have been awesome. On the upside, she does seem to be less and less self-conscious about her bald head, which she is now letting fly on more and more occasions. Down with the bandanna! Bald Joyce rules all! Phil wonders whether Uchenna and Joyce can get out of last place, and whether Ron and Kelly can fix their relationship problems. I'm thinking we're definitely just hoping to bat .500 on that question, and I won't go any farther than that.
2:47 AM. Rob and Amber. They read the clue, which sends them to Kingston, Jamaica, bringing the show as close as it's ever been to spring break. Phil explains that this is a 4600-mile journey, and that when they get there, they'll have to take a taxi more than 90 miles to Port Antonio. There, they'll find a beach called Frenchman's Cove, where a clue will await. Wearing a jaunty little beret. Okay, maybe not. Rob voices over that they are happy to have made the final three, but -- wait for it -- they "came here to win." In case you hadn't heard that one of the other eight bazillion times they've shown him saying it. "Just write the check!" he concludes, guaranteeing himself the non-victory and killing all suspense. Dummy! They hop into a cab as Rob says that it's going to be crazy -- "the war hero and the beauty queen versus the survivors versus the black couple in Jamaica." Can't get anything past him, that's for sure. And then he says, "Hey, mon," because somebody has to, or the possibility that a group of Americans could hear the name of a location without making the lamest possible geography-based joke would rear its ugly head, and we can't have that. I think they got all the way through England without one "Cheerio!", so I guess we can just be thankful for small favors. Hey, school funding is pinched at every turn. If we have to learn about the world from episodes of The Simpsons, we can do that. Anyway, at the airport, they learn that the first flight to Kingston leaves at 12:40 in the afternoon. They set out to make sure that's the best flight available, since it's not going to leave for six or seven hours, as Amber notes. They hop on an internet terminal, and that is indeed the only flight they can find. (Used that tasty Expedia, I'm sure. Isn't that the one with the little dwarf thing?) They note that the other teams are most certainly going to catch up now.
4:26 AM. Ron and Kelly. They read the clue. And can you guess what Kelly also says? That's right. "Jamaica, mon." You can tell you're dealing with a pretty lowbrow piece of cultural currency when it's shared by Kelly and Rob. Ron notes that the subway is right on the other side of London Bridge, but Kelly wants to just take a taxi. Kelly tells us she thinks that through the race, she's been able to "show Ron what [she's] made of." Ohhh, one hopes not. I'm sure that's not what she's really made of. She, surprisingly, thinks she's shown that she's not "this pageant queen" or "this ballerina." She seems like she actually is those things, but all right. Maybe she's made of irony. Then, she goes all cutesy-poo at the camera about how she's a "quality girl" and so forth and how "he's missing out." I'm not sure in what way he's missing out, but I'm not sure I need to know, either, because I'm pretty sure that any ways in which Ron is "missing out" on what a "quality girl" she is are not the ways she has in mind. Ron interviews that he's used to soldiers, and soldiers don't have feelings, or something. They just want food and Handi-Wipes! Or something. He adds that all the emotional baggage is "part of dealing with Kelly," and that I believe. The two of them look for a taxi, and he once again suggests the subway, but she once again wants the taxi. They finally get one and hop in, and Ron is a little taken aback at the cost. They were, after all, out of money not long ago.
4:41 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. They like the sound of Jamaica as well. And the other teams apparently got $630 for the leg, so there's going to be some work to do. Uchenna again swears as they leave that they've "been quarreling a lot" over the last few years, and says they've "been looking at options that don't include being together." Aww. You can tell he doesn't even like saying that out loud, like it will make the Candyman appear, but he also says that their situation has "turned around a lot." He's proud of Joyce. Aww. He also wants a million dollars. Aww -- well, okay, not so much with that one. That one is more, "Word." They grab a cab to Heathrow.
Ron and Kelly get to the airport and head for Air Jamaica, where they learn of the 12:40 flight to Kingston. Uchenna and Joyce arrive and find out the same thing. Ron bitches to Kelly about how "worthless" the expensive cab ride was, as opposed to the taxi. Kelly asks him to let it go. She interviews that they don't do a good job of communicating when they get into a fight. She says that as the race ends, they need to "talk about what's going to happen ." It seems to me that an airport on no sleep is just about the worst possible setting for this conversation, but here they are, having it anyway. The only right way to watch this conversation, incidentally, is with your hands over your eyes, peering through interlaced fingers.
Kelly wants to know where the relationship is going when they get home, and Ron says he's been as "real" as he can about "where this is going." And I don't even get what he's saying at first. He tells her right out that he doesn't want to be married right now, and doesn't feel ready for that commitment. He somehow relates this all back to his POW experience, which is a little tacky, talking about how he spent all that time with somebody controlling everything he did, and he doesn't want "a control factor" now. You know, wives are a little different from Iraqi prison guards, I like to think, Ron. ["Wives generally, sure. Kelly in particular…does seem like she'd run a guy like Ron's drill sergeant in basic." -- Sars] "More than anything, I just hoped this worked out between us," Kelly says as she cries into a tissue. "I love you, and that's why I'm sad," she says. Aww. That was kind of heartbreaking. It was! I'm not totally without feelings, people. Ron, though, is totally right when he interviews that Kelly really wants to get married, and he thinks letting anybody pressure you into being married when you don't feel ready is a very bad idea. Indeed, Kelly would do well to remember that even if she got him to marry her, she would then have to...you know, be married to him. I seriously cannot imagine being in a marriage with someone you knew didn't want to be there. Just...cannot imagine anything more unhappy or less comfortable. What's really annoying, though, is how she goes, "Why do you act like my boyfriend, then, on this race?" As if being someone's boyfriend is a total fraud unless you're ready to be married right this minute. She was okay up until that last part. At any rate, she says that she's not giving up on the race, but you can tell she sort of already has. Can't really blame her.
The teams all buy tickets to Jamaica on the 12:40 flight. It leaves. They're all on it, as the Amazing Map shows. And then...Jamaica! With the beautiful water and the happy music and the shorts and the loud prints. Hey, mon! (Oh, I'm sorry, we covered that already.) The teams get off the plane and head for taxis. It's dark out as they get going toward Frenchman's Cove at Port Antonio. Ron and Kelly note that they got away from the airport in last place, meaning that they are sucking wind race-wise, in addition to personally. Uchenna and Joyce, on the other hand, note that they were here once on a vacation, although he allows that "this is a little different." Heh. Fewer little umbrellas, probably. Rob and Amber are just behind them, and then we go to Ron and Kelly. "Ah, the smell of a Third World country again," Ron says kind of obnoxiously. And then we look at poor, dirty Kelly, who is really unhappy about not having makeup, whether she knows it or not. Because she looks rough.
Joyce and Uchenna hop out at the Frenchman's Cove clue. It is this week's Roadblock. Not only that, but it might be the best Roadblock ever. What is it? It's the limbo. Not only that, but the lower you can limbo, the earlier you can leave in the morning. It's a terrific, simple task, and I give big credit to the task planners for coming up with it. Phil explains that the Limboblocker will have eight chances to do the Limbo rock all around the Limboblock (sorry! Had to!) to see how low they can get. Joyce takes the Limboblock for her team. She easily goes under the first stick, corresponding to 9:15 AM. Rob and Amber are the to arrive, and Amber takes the Limboblock. In fact, she explains in an interview that Rob has done all six of his, so she's got to do this one and, if there's a Roadblock in the second half of this episode, that one as well. The long and the short of all of this Limbo-ing is that Joyce can get under the second-to-lowest setting, which is for 8:30 AM, while both Kelly and Amber get under the lowest -- 8:15.
Amber is first to finish. "That's it, that's it," Rob says to her, and then he breaks out a mighty "YEAH!" when she nails it. She's a competitor, that one. She also has the advantage, I will tell you right now, of being teeny. They collect their clue, which tells them that in the morning, they can leave and will make their way 11 miles to Grants Level (so unpunctuated), where they'll find another clue. Rob tells Amber he couldn't have done the limbo, and as he shimmies over to the stick and makes like he's going to try it, you can see that he's probably right. Not that the thought of him trying wouldn't have been mightily amusing, if only because anything that makes him look like a dweeb is probably worth seeing. Uchenna comments that he and Joyce will start off behind as a result of this. See? Disadvantage! Underdogs! Kelly, on the other hand, says that she and Ron always find themselves with Rob and Amber, and she's concluded that Rob and Amber are scared of them. I think she's confusing "scared of them" with "scared of being there when one of them opens up that long-time-coming can of whoop-ass." Amber, on the other hand, says that Uchenna and Joyce are behind, while Ron and Kelly hate each other, so she and Rob are thinking things look pretty good. The teams relax around a fire. I bet that was a fun evening. I'm thinking that's the most tension-filled gathering since the Queen ran into Camilla in the ladies'.
Commercials. I'm so tired of Star Wars already, for a movie that isn't even out yet.
The morning, Frenchman's Cove. Bonjour! (Yeah, I don't know.) Ron and Amber get a taxi to take them to Grants Level. In the taxi, Rob comments to Amber that they have a 33 percent chance at a million dollars -- "more money than most people make in a lifetime." Not them personally, of course, especially once they hit middle age and start selling the rights to their flexible sigmoidoscopies, but most people. Ron and Kelly get a taxi as well. At 8:30, Uchenna and Joyce follow. On the way out, Uchenna and Joyce comment on the fact that they're going to start out those 15 minutes behind Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber. Speaking of whom, here come Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly to Grants Level. There, they open a clue, which is to this week's Detour. In this Detour, you choose between "two river activities," as Phil puts it -- Raft It and Build It. In Raft It, you travel eight miles down the river on a traditional raft, steering with a pole. In Build It, you build the bamboo raft yourself, and then you cross the river on it and climb a hill to find the clue. Rob comments that eight miles on the river will take two hours, just as Ron is telling Kelly that "eight miles is a long way." Both teams go with Build It, though Kelly essentially refuses to participate and orders Ron to make the decision for the team, which you can basically tell she's doing so that if it goes to hell, she can bitch at him. Her passive-aggressiveness is in full bloom at this point, and all he can really do is sit back and be flummoxed, which, fortunately, is kind of what he specializes in anyway. He reminds her he's never built a raft, but somehow, you can tell that he's on the hook for this decision nevertheless.
Rob and Amber start on their raft. Ron and Kelly start on theirs, too. Basically, these are raft kits, with all the holes pre-drilled and so forth. You're not building them so much as you are assembling them, as you would if you had bought them at Ikea to decorate your dorm room. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce arrive, ask their driver to wait, and pull the clue. They, too, pick the Build It option, given that they also think eight miles is a long way. Uchenna thinks they can pick up some ground if they build the raft in a smart way. He puts on the gloves, which turns into some kind of grasshopper/ant metaphor when Rob turns down the gloves when Amber offers. Uchenna stores up soft, pliable skin for the winter, while Rob spends all his bleeding hands on acorns right now, or something. Ron is putting on the gloves, too, although it's a little late, because he already has cuts on his hands. Amber tries again to get Rob to put the gloves on after he cuts his finger, but he won't put them on. And the look on her face after this occurs is an absolutely priceless smile that says, "I am going to have the best time ever when he admits later that I was right."
Uchenna and Joyce continue building their raft, and appear to be making up time. Kelly, for her part, is doing nothing, and she and Ron are starting to fight now. "The last time I built one of these was -- oh, never -- so relax," he says. Heh. Oh, Ron. Come over here and sit to me, baby. Have some popcorn. Amber comments that Rob has been in construction for quite a while, and that they've built rafts on Survivor, so they're thinking it should go pretty well for them. The Mark Burnett Accounting Firm And Alligator Wrestling Company makes note of the fact that another of the contractually required mentions of Survivor has been fulfilled. Meanwhile, Kelly is noting that Uchenna and Joyce are well ahead of her and Ron. Ron suggests that Kelly could help more and bitch less, but Kelly isn't sure how she can do that. I think it's become one of those things where Kelly is so passive and unwilling to jump in that Ron isn't sure it would be any faster to sit there and explain everything to her, as opposed to juts doing it himself. Uchenna and Joyce are still cruising.
In a scene that tells you as much about unseen conversations as it does about anything you're actually watching, Rob says to Amber, "Right there, hold it right there." And then he sort of pauses and carefully says, "I don't mean to be like that, but I mean, we've got to finish this thing." That is a guy who's been asked not to be snappish when he's impatient, clearly. Amber, as usual, is completely wearing the actual argument pants in the relationship and wryly says, "I'll do whatever I can to make you happy." "That's my girl," Rob says. "And then," she says, "after the race, you can make me happy." And she looks up at him with this sort of coy, funny expression, and I'm telling you -- they may or may not last, but they really do like each other.
Kelly tries to help, but she complains about hurting her hand, and Ron gives her a "would you shush?" that isn't going to help matters any. Uchenna and Joyce are still cruising. "Gilligan should have been watching this," he comments. Amber notes that Uchenna and Joyce are at about the same point in the raft-building that they are, while Kelly and Ron seem to be "doing it in a different order." That's putting it kindly, I think. Kelly complains to Ron that everyone is ahead of them, and he can only wearily say that he's never built a raft like this before, so he's not sure what to tell her. "You figure out how to build one," he says, "you tell me." She answers either "smarty" or "smart-a," and I think it might be the second one, which...lame! I'm just waiting to hear her say, "H-E-double-hockey-sticks." Rob and Amber and Uchenna and Joyce both attach a piece (which Rob refers to as a "seat," which I'm not sure is right) to the top of their rafts. Ron has reached a bad point now, because not only is he criticizing Kelly, but now he's openly mocking her for being obsessed with watching everyone else, complete with high-pitched squeaky voice, all, "Oh my gosh, can you see what Rob and Amber's doin'?" That's not good, there, Ron. That will not help. "I can't stand that crap," he adds angrily. Rob and Amber, meanwhile, have their raft checked out, and it turns out that they have something attached to the raft that needs to be detached. Meanwhile, Ron and Kelly learn that their raft has a piece in the wrong place, while Uchenna and Joyce learn that theirs is perfect. They're told to cross the river on their raft to get their clue. Kelly tells Ron that the other teams are done, because apparently, she hasn't noticed how much this irritates him. Ron tells her to quit it. Rob and Amber learn that, with a few adjustments, their raft, too, is completed. They push it into the water, and Rob and Uchenna and Joyce push theirs. Ron and Kelly learn that their raft is now all right, but they can't move it. It appears that Kelly may have lashed it to something she wasn't supposed to, so now they have to rewire some of the pieces. Heh. It's like it's home ec, and she sewed the apron to the table. Kind of funny, really.
Rob and Amber launch their raft. Uchenna and Joyce, too. Rob and Amber get to the other side first, and it turns out that the teams have to climb up quite a steep hill to the clue box, using a rope. Rob hits the clue box, scrambling monkey that he's always been, and immediately starts to scoot back down. "Don't fall on me," Amber says. Uchenna gets the clue, too, and then he starts back. Amber and Rob jump for their boat, and Amber takes a tumble onto her butt. "You all right?" Rob asks, showing the kind of reflexive reaction that proves he is no Jonathan, and she says she is. Rob and Amber and Uchenna and Joyce are in the water again, rafting away from the clue box, while Ron and Kelly are still trying to get their raft reformed so they can put it in the water to begin with. Ron asks Kelly to help, and she tries, but she can't, really, so he gets frustrated and tells her to stop, and she rather reasonably gets frustrated with his inability to decide whether he wants her to do anything or not. They're like a picture of What Not To Do, relationship-wise. As Rob and Amber land back on shore, he says, "My sneak-ah!" It turns out that Rob has lost a shoe, and has to get in the water and fish it out. As he stands in the water, Uchenna is coming in behind him, and yells a warning. "Watch out, Rob, watch out, buddy!" Somewhere, Lynn and Alex wonder why Uchenna didn't just run him over. Rob gets his shoe and hops out of the way, running up the beach with the sneaker in his hand. He and Amber open the clue that will lead them to the pit stop. The clue lays out an 80-mile trip to Montego Bay, where they'll find a villa at Round Hill. Last team in may be out. But realistically? Probably not. Rob and Amber take off with Uchenna and Joyce not far behind.
Ron and Kelly raft for their clue at last. Maybe Ron will make a break for it.
Rob and Amber and Uchenna and Joyce both hop into taxis for the trip to the pit stop. Joyce urges their driver not to let Rob and Amber, now very slightly behind, pass him. He promises to do his best. Rob, for his part, just wants to stay right behind Uchenna and Joyce, hoping to sneak ahead of them at the last minute.
Ron runs up the hill for the pit stop clue, then comes back down. They cross the river and get their taxi to the pit stop. "We're in last," Ron laments from the back seat, but Kelly notes that their driver is flying, and she's hopeful that they can catch up. Up ahead, Rob and Amber's driver, Tyson, promises to take good care of them. He shouts ahead to Uchenna and Joyce's driver to pull in for gas. Both teams' drivers fill their taxis, but Uchenna and Joyce again get on the road first. Rob and Amber urge Tyson to get back in the cab and get going. Not only that, but Ron and Kelly now show up at the gas station, so Amber taps Rob on the leg urgently to tell him to tell Tyson that now, it's really time to get going. Tyson scoots, followed closely by Ron and Kelly. And it is a close race to the pit stop, at least so far. But remember, this trip was 80 miles. Probably at least an hour and a half, if not two hours.
A traffic jam slows down Uchenna and Joyce, but Rob notes in his cab that he still doesn't see them up ahead, so he's not sure how far up there they are. Tyson comments, however, on all the congestion. Turnabout being fair play, however, Uchenna notes that there's a police checkpoint, and as it turns out, it nabs Rob and Amber. Uchenna and Joyce cackle in their car that "Rob is losing his mind right now." Cut to Rob, in their cab, not losing his mind. More like "sitting and waiting," but I suppose once you have a guy built up a certain way in your head, he is that guy to you. Rob notes that "nothing's going [their] way right now." Ron and Kelly, too, note in their cab that Rob and Amber just got stopped by the cops. Joyce giggles in their cab, "Gotta cooperate with the police!" Yep. She's all about just running her own race. No karma-tempting for Joyce! As Rob and Amber get on their way again, Rob notes that they were pulled over at a routine checkpoint, and the other teams got ahead of them. He hopes to catch up, "otherwise, that cop could've cost us a million bucks." Apparently, he hasn't heard the news that nothing in the final leg counts until the very last task.
Commercials. When I was on my knees, Russell Crowe made it easy for me to decide that the thing to do was throw up.
When we return, the teams are all racing for the pit stop. Rob notes that only a "miracle" would keep them out of last place at this point. Up ahead, Ron and Kelly note that Uchenna and Joyce's back left tire is looking extremely low. "That would be very good if it popped," Kelly notes. Heh. Yeah, not a lot of love lost between any of these people, truthfully. Tyson now catches up with the other two teams, which may, I suppose, be because Uchenna and Joyce's driver has had to slow down and is taking the trailing Ron and Kelly with him if they can't pass. Not sure. Rob, too, points up at Uchenna and Joyce and their low tire. "We're hoping they go over a pothole and the thing pops," he comments. Hmm, almost exactly like Joyce celebrating his police checkpoint. A couple of peas in a pod, attitude-wise, those two, at the moment. Iiiiisn't that funny.
Just then, Uchenna and Joyce's tire goes flat. For some reason, they don't find this nearly as hilarious as they did Rob and Amber getting stopped by the police. In fact, Joyce is all, "No frickin' way." I understand that they're very nice people, but I do find the wiping of that self-satisfied grin off Joyce's face to be pretty funny. It's another sort of "live by that, die by that" situation -- like many Rob has put himself in over the course of the season.
In the Ron and Kelly cab, Ron is sad to see Uchenna and Joyce pulled over, because he was really hoping Rob and Amber might come in last. Rob, meanwhile, classifies Uchenna and Joyce's blown tire as potentially his and Amber's "lucky break." Elsewhere, Ron and Kelly learn that there are two routes to the pit stop -- a "top road" and a "bottom road." Their guy is taking the top road. And he'll be in Scotland before ye. And I only know that from The Brady Bunch, because I am an uncultured buffoon, but it is a race around the world, after all, so I feel like I should cram in as many international references as I possibly can. Anyway. It looks like Ron and Kelly have become separated from Rob and Amber. Uchenna and Joyce, meanwhile, hop into their cab once the tire is fixed.
Ron and Kelly learn that they're close to the pit stop, and their driver says for them to look for Round Hill on the right-hand side. Rob and Amber, meanwhile, are hopping out to find directions. Uchenna tries to reassure a concerned Joyce that they have to "keep pushin'." Ron and Kelly pull into the Round Hill Hotel. So do Rob and Amber. Both teams look for Cottage 16.
Pit stop. Mat. Ron and Kelly hop out. We see everyone hopping and running, and then Phil is on the mat, and then...Ron and Kelly run up. Welcome, you are...team number one. They high-five and hug, taking this one opportunity to have the same objective for about ten seconds, and then Rob and Amber are right behind them. Told they're team number two, they look less than thrilled, but Rob is still jazzed about the competition. "What a race," he says. Phil asks which of the two teams is going to win, and both teams say they will. And both say they're confident. And you know what that means.
Uchenna and Joyce, you're the last team to arrive. And we're taking all your stuff and your money, but you're not out, because obviously, it's non-elimination, not that you wouldn't naturally know this, and not that you ever had anything to fear as far as being out. For some reason, looking at a third-place team late in the race gives me incredibly warm memories of Guido on the final leg, with Joe and his wonderful "maybe they fell off their Skidoos" theory. Man, that was funny. You never know how much you love a lovable villain until you sit through some that are not so lovable. At any rate, Uchenna and Joyce are losing all their stuff and their money. Considering that teams have often ditched all their stuff at the opening of the last leg anyway, losing their stuff isn't a big deal at this point, although losing their money certainly could be. Uchenna interviews, "The two things they haven't taken from us are our heart, and our minds." He says that they'll "let the chips fall where they may." Joyce insists that they are -- you guessed it -- "in it to win and be the last team standing." You know, I've advocated animal noises on other shows to denote stupid remarks -- they would work on this show, too.
Commercials. Your dog has fleas. God. That thing is so disgusting. Get it away from me. Seriously.
Just as an aside, does it seem to anyone else like I've been recapping Rob and Amber, Kendra and Tana, and Ian and Tom since Methuselah's first two cells divided? Yeah, I thought so. MY GOD.
We return to Montego Bay, Jamaica, where Phil reminds us that we find Round Hill, a plantation that served as the eleventh pit stop. The teams are now getting ready to leave on the three-way competition for a million bucks. Hang on to your hats. And, depending on where you're watching the episode, your drinks.
2:37 AM. Ron and Kelly. The clue tells them to take a taxi toward Lucea and pick up a bag of onions. Phil explains that this is a 25-mile trip to pick up 50 onions, which they'll then take to a little restaurant and chop them up. When the onions are all chopped up, they'll get another clue. As they leave the mat, Kelly insists that she "truly, truly" cares about Ron, and that's why it's so hard for her to accept that it's not going to work out. I understand she's in pain, but she probably could have noticed a little bit earlier that she doesn't truly, truly like Ron all that much. She reassures us, though, that God will take care of her. Well, whew! As they hunt for a taxi, Ron interviews that it's not the greatest time to think about where they're going to be when they get home -- they need to focus on the task at hand. Which...he's officially right, but I wouldn't be able to do it in Kelly's shoes. They head up to a guard station or something and ask the guy to call a taxi. "And don't call them one," Ron says, pointing back toward an approaching Rob and Amber. "So you want to cheat on the race?" the guy asks. Ha! Ron points out that it's not cheating, which is correct, and the guy's like, "Oh, okay." Heh.
2:38 AM. Rob and Amber, wearing clear plastic raingear. They've got $445 for the leg, and Amber interviews that they "couldn't be happier" as they set out on the last leg. "Amber's been the most amazing partner anybody could ever have," Rob notes, in what I strongly suspect is a post-race interview. He also insists that "it's not possible" that anyone else can win, thus guaranteeing some more that someone else will win. They walk up to Ron and Kelly waiting at a corner. When a taxi pulls up, Rob asks if they want to share, and Ron and Kelly say no and hop in. Rob asks the driver to call another taxi for them, but once they get going, Kelly -- who bitched quite dramatically about Rob and Amber's dirty play on a few occasions, you'll recall -- tells the driver not to call a taxi as he said he would. Of course, had Rob done the very same thing, the entire contingent of whiny-ass teams (including Ron and Kelly) who bitched about "lack of character" would more than obviously have included that as evidence, but when they do it themselves? Just playing hard! Look over there! Don't look over here! It's not the heat, people. It's the hypocrisy.
2:48 AM. Uchenna and Joyce read the clue. Noting their lack of money, they walk away from the pit stop. They go inside the hotel and ask how far away Lucea is. They learn that it's about 15 miles. Their big idea is to head for the airport, where they hope they can successfully beg for money. Unfortunately, they learn that the airport and Lucea are in opposite directions.
Rob and Amber, still looking for a cab, see that Uchenna and Joyce have emerged, and they realize that they need to get moving. They find a taxi and hop in. Their driver seems to know where they need to go.
Uchenna and Joyce approach an ambulance and ask if it can give them a ride to the airport. They learn that the ambulance has to hang around in case it needs to...you know, be an ambulance. Maybe one of them could fake a seizure and say that the only medicine store is located at the airport. I could kill at this show!
Ron and Kelly head for the onions, but they have to stop and ask for directions. The cab driver rustles up somebody and gets directions. Rob and Amber, on the other hand, find the onions on the first try, and she mentions that they should lift all the bags and take the lightest one. It's a good point -- 50 onions is 50 onions, but there's no guarantee they're all the same size. Rob picks up the one he says is lightest, and they go. They head for the restaurant, onions in hand.
Ron and Kelly and their driver find a cop who directs them toward the Onion Shack. Thanks, cop! Ron comments that finding this place is like finding "a needle in a haystack of needles." Sometimes, Ron is so square he's a circle.
Joyce and Uchenna seem to have flagged down a car, and they're asking about a ride to the airport. The car agrees to take them. Uchenna is all over how this is "the first blessing," and he's starting to sound kind of weird and culty about winning a game show, so I'm not going go get into it too much. I'm going to start by hoping he's saying "the first blessing" and not "The First Blessing," like he's reading out of a sci-fi script. Elsewhere, Ron and Kelly finally find the Onion Shack. They grab their onions and go. (Sounds like a euphemism! Isn't!)
Uchenna and Joyce get out of the car at the airport, talking about what a good guy that was who helped them.
Rob and Amber get to the Jerk Shack and have a little tutorial in cutting the onions up nice and small. As they finish their 50 onions, they'll drop them into a big pot. They start cutting. They chop; they dump into the pot. "This is going to take a while," Rob notes. Just then, Ron and Kelly show up. "We're only about ten onions in," Rob says, "So now, the Great Onion-Chopping Contest will staht." Heh. Ron and Kelly start chopping. This is surprisingly suspenseful, for something that's sort of like a less complex version of Iron Chef. Kelly declares herself "not good at cutting things," which sort of reminds me of Dark Hair, who wasn't "good at holding things up," whatever that means. Rob, on the other hand, says that his mother used to put him in the basement and make him chop onions. Well, you'd have to do something with him, I suppose, so he wouldn't spend all his time rifling through your purse looking for loose change.
Uchenna and Joyce walk up to a whole line of people waiting to leave on a trip, and sort of get their begging off to a bad start, to my eye, by announcing grandly to an entire group that they're begging. I think addressing a group isn't the right move, because it gives everyone cover. Although he offers to do tricks and such, he's sort of making this more of a grand thing than it needs to be -- I'd say begging should be a one-on-one request for a favor more than this big show, you know? They appear to have no luck. One guy goes so far as to say he's "not into it." Heh. They walk away, and Joyce starts crying, which is where they start to lose me. It doesn't look like they've been trying for that long, and as much as I like this team, they also have a slight tendency toward self-pity that's sort of coming into full bloom right here. It's an absurd situation, and I'm sure it's embarrassing, but this is the game you signed up for, and nobody is kicking your dog, so I'm not sure this sort of attitude is going to help very much, and I always hate it when the woman on a man-woman team cries to the point of uselessness and makes the guy come and prop her up. Anyway, he tells her not to cry. I agree.
Commercials. That gnome...God. That gnome must go.
Later, at the airport, instead of working on getting money, Uchenna and Joyce are sitting around with her crying and him comforting her. Sigh.
Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly are chopping. Amber notes that her eyes are really taking a beating. Ron appears to be doing a honkload more onions than Kelly, that's for sure. "Martha Stewart, look out," Kelly says, apparently envious of life in prison.
Uchenna begs. Joyce mopes. A couple of women they meet in the airport give them some money. Outside, they find a taxi that will take them for 40 dollars to the Onion Shack. I'm certainly ready for the begging segments to end as soon as humanly possible, speaking solely for myself.
And at the Onion Shack, Rob is commenting that his back hurts from all the chopping. "Who says cookin' wasn't hard work?" he wonders. Well, no one, dude. At least no one smart. They empty their last onions into the pot and get their clue. As Phil explains, the clue tells them to go 60 miles to Rose Hall, a resort where they'll find further instructions. Rob and Amber take off in their cab. Ron, meanwhile, looks up from chopping long enough to insist to Kelly that Rob has "fear in his eyes." Looks like Rob's usual intense cockiness to me, but that's just me. Ron has the Eye of the Tiger! Well, maybe not the tiger. The beagle? Could be. Anyway, Ron mutters some shit-talk (for which, again, he would totally excoriate Rob if the situation was reversed) about how "maybe Rob's an idiot" and isn't afraid of them, blah blah. He and Kelly finish their onions at last. They read the clue and head off in a taxi.
Uchenna and Joyce are looking for the Onion Shack. Rob and Amber, on the other hand, are stuck behind a truck and have a driver who won't pass. Ron and Kelly are hoping to catch up. Joyce and Uchenna vow to "keep pushing," and then we are at Rose Hall, where Rob and Amber are arriving with Ron and Kelly just behind. Both teams arrive at the clue box essentially together, and they pull a clue for a Detour. The options for the Detour are Pony Up and Tee It Up. In Pony Up, you ride a horse out into the water, then as it starts swimming, you hang onto its tail as it drags you through some buoys. In Tee It Up, you go to a driving range and dress up in "appropriate golfing attire" (read: "extra padding to make the task take longer so it's not so obvious that it's faster than the horse thing"). You then hit balls at a green until they hit it. (Me: "I would definitely not do the golf, because I always prefer the task with less capacity to make me look like an idiot." Zron: "So you're saying you'd go with being dragged around behind the ass end of a horse, then.") Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly both take the golf, with Kelly claiming she's "had those golf lessons." Both teams find the pro shop and work on getting changed. I'm convinced the shirtless boys are here just for me. Me and this show? We're like this. Rob gets changed first, and he throws Ron a "See you later, buddy" on the way out. Rob and Amber get going, and Kelly hassles Ron about being pokey. As she would.
Uchenna and Joyce are arriving at the Onion Shack at last. They grab the onions and get back in the cab. Their driver knows the Jerk Shack, so they go there.
Rob and Amber start golfing, and she comments that the clothes are sort of huge on her. They set up and tee off. Rob's first shot is into the trees. "That sucked," he says, and it's quite true. Kelly and Ron show up as Amber takes her shot. Kelly's first shot also sucks, and Ron's? Well, it makes him say "Dang," as so many things do. "I knew not playing golf would not work out in my favor at some point in my life," he comments. Many bad shots follow. Amber seems to be wildly amused at the hilarity, but she's pretty much the only one. I think she, like I, would rather be dragged behind a horse's ass -- haters of Rob and Amber, claim your punch line here! And don't say I never did anything nice for you! (Hee.)
Joyce and Uchenna go to the restaurant to chop their onions.
Amber seriously has the most chipper golfing attitude of all. "These are really good balls!" she says happily. Rob's like, "Yeah, meh," and she says, "I know, but my dad would be impressed!" Ron gets one to the green, but then it jumps off. Ron: "Dang!" (The only thing that could have improved the "Free Ron" buttons, I suppose, would be if they said, "Free Ron! (Dang!)" Rob then hits one, and his does stay on the green. He and Amber grab their clue and leave. The clue tells them to fly to San Juan, Puerto Rico, where they will find a marked car and drive nine miles to the Castillo San Felipe Del Maro Fort, where another clue awaits. Rob and Amber change (another shirtless-boy shot!), and then they run out and hop back into their cab. In the cab, Rob is apparently aware of a direct flight at 9:15 AM out of Jamaica. He begs the driver to "go fast, please."
Uchenna and Joyce are complaining about how tired and hungry they are, and he talks on about how they're working off "pure desire," blah blah. Believe me, you'll hear it a bunch more times, so if you miss it, don't worry.
Back at the driving range, Kelly lands a ball on the green, so she and Ron are mercifully done. They open the San Juan clue and run inside to change; then, in the cab, Ron comments, "I just couldn't hit crap. I deserve a pickaxe right through the scalp." Kelly beams. No, she does. Wow, creepy!
Rob and Amber jump out of their cab at the airport and run inside. At the Air Jamaica counter, they are told that they are too late for the 9:15 flight. Rob begs, but is told they can't get on the flight "for security reasons." Eventually, just as Rob starts in with some "my mother" routine that I'm glad he didn't get a chance to finish (booo!), the lady hands them off to the ticket office. They run down, but the ticket office says the same thing. No, no, and no. There is begging, there is pleading, but...no. I think they're going to put this in a children's book called Rob Mariano Learns The Word "No."
Commercials. I do not need to watch Randy Quaid in an Elvis movie. Do not!
When we return, Rob and Amber are still cheesed about the flight they just missed, and they head over to American Airlines, where they learn that the 8:03 AM flight has been delayed to 9:54 AM. They are very happy about that development, and they high-five. Then they hug. Then he kisses her on the forehead, which...I love, personally. They get their boarding passes. Rob anticipates that Ron and Kelly will be here shortly. And it's absolutely true, because here they are. They ask about the delayed flight, and learn that they will have to run for it. Kelly promises that they can. "No, you won't make it, trust me," the guy calmly and dismissively tells them. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber run for the plane. They get on and settle into their seats. Their flight takes off with only the two of them aboard. Ron and Kelly are on a flight at 12:42 to San Juan, and they're fairly sure that Rob and Amber made the flight they just missed. They thank the ticket agent and head out.
Uchenna and Joyce finish the onion-chopping and head out. They read the Rose Hall clue, and their driver agrees to take them -- presumably without any money changing hands. In the car, Joyce says again that they're not giving up.
In Puerto Rico, Rob and Amber get off the plane and hop into a black SUV. Amber navigates and finds El Moro on the map. They agree that they're on their way to the right place.
Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Detour. Like everyone else, they take the golf. What does a horse's ass have to do around here to get a little love, anyway? (I set 'em up, you knock 'em down! They're going fast, folks!) Uchenna says that he's been practicing golf at home, and this won't be that tough.
Rob and Amber take a moment to admire Puerto Rico, and then they're pulling up at the castle. They pull the clue, which tells them to drive 87 miles to Aguadilla, where they have to find a sugar refinery and follow a path to a clue. They take off in their SUV. "We're doin' all right today with the directions, I tell ya," he comments. Oh, I get it. It's irony.
Ron and Kelly's flight from Puerto Rico takes off.
Uchenna and Joyce go golfing. He lands it on the green in what the editing suggests is record time, but I sort of doubt it. They open the Puerto Rico clue and leave. There is Conversation #854 in the cab about not giving up. Got it. Seriously. Rob wants to be first; you're never giving up; Ron doesn't want to get married. I think the themes have been established.
Rob notes that "every single person on the whole island of Puerto Rico is in this traffic jam." Amber comments that she'd think he'd be used to it with the Boston traffic all the time. Oh, Boston. The City Where Every Street Is Diagonal. Drives me fuckin' batty, that town. Sure, D.C. has its whimsical idea that all addresses should be repeated four times, but I don't think anything can beat Boston, where my mother and I once spent a very intense bonding experience finding our way to see The Sure Thing from our motel, located between the Forbidden City Chinese restaurant and the Dine-N-Bowl Lanes, a navigation task that proved our raceworthiness, come to think of it. (True story!)
At the Jamaica airport, Uchenna and Joyce apparently stiff their cab driver again, some more, and then they head inside to book their flight. They get a 4:58 PM flight to San Juan. And then there is additional begging.
Rob and Amber are in Aguadilla looking for the sugar refinery. Of course, when they get there, the operating hours are 7:30 to 4:00. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, 4:00. Because there is absolutely no way anyone was going to be allowed to be out ahead at this point. No way. Which is fine, but...well, I'll get back to it later.
Ron and Kelly arrive in Puerto Rico. They head for the clue box as Rob and Amber head into a hotel for some rest. Ron and Kelly head for Aguadilla. Uchenna and Joyce's flight lands. They head for the clue. When they open it, they turn and head for Aguadilla as well. Ron and Kelly get to the gate and see the operating hours, and they go to sack out in the car until 7:30 in the morning. Uchenna and Joyce are driving up, and we are hearing yet again, not having heard them talk about anything else this entire episode, about how they're not going to give up, it might be over but it might not be, blah blah blah. Old. This has just gotten incredibly old. And indeed, when they pull up to the gate, they find Ron and Kelly asleep in their car, because of the enormous machinations that have been gone through in this leg to ensure that we reach precisely this point. "We're back in this thing," Uchenna comments after a brief chat with Ron and Kelly, meaning that maybe we are through with the "we aren't giving up" comments for the remainder of the episode. I sure as hell hope so.
The morning arrives, and Rob and Amber join the other teams at the gate. When it opens, all three teams run in. All three teams open the clue, and it's a Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the person takes a jump off a 30-foot bridge. Then, it's a 90-yard swim to the clue, and then into a boat. Amber takes the Roadblock, but she and Rob appear to get turned the wrong direction out of the gate. Ron and Uchenna take it for their respective teams. Because Rob and Amber are going the wrong direction, the first out onto the bridge is Ron. "Dang, that wind's blowin'," he comments, as is his tradition. Uchenna runs out just after. Rob finally figures out that he and Amber went the wrong way, and that she was supposed to head out onto the bridge. We then watch as Ron runs out and leaps right off the bridge. "Woo!" he says. He swims out and grabs the clue. "The first step is a doozy," Uchenna says. And then he jumps. "Woo!" he says. He swims. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber are still hunting for the right path, just as Ron gets in the boat and heads for shore. Uchenna does the same. Rob and Amber find a vantage point where they can see the bridge but not get to it, and they see that Ron and Uchenna are already done. "That could've cost us a million bucks," Rob comments. Speaking of things I have heard said plenty of times already and do not need to hear again.
Commercials. Get your Finger-Free Frosty, this weekend at Wendy's! I love how they're giving away Junior Frosties. Like, "Well, you can have a small one, but...it's not like it was a real finger."
Back at the Roadblock, Rob tells Amber to run down the stairs and out onto the platform. "Gimme a kiss," he says, and they smooch, and she runs out. "Do good," he adds. Heh.
Ron washes up on the beach with a clue, and he hands it to Kelly. She reads it. It instructs them to fly to the final city, which is Miami. First, they'll have to take a 90-mile drive to the airport, as Phil explains, and then it will be a 1000-mile flight to Miami. When they get there, they'll go nine miles by taxi to the Rickenbacker Causeway. Uchenna and Joyce pull the clue . Amber heads out onto the platform and jumps. "Woo!" she says. She washes up on the beach as well, and they read the Miami clue. The swim seems to have really taken it out of her, because as they run toward their car, she's totally exhausted. "I can't run," she says, and given Amber's showing throughout this deal, I suspect she isn't making it up. I think he knows that, too, because although he gives her a couple of encouraging "you can do it"s, when she gives one more gasp of exhaustion, he immediately tells her to hop on his back. As I have stated previously, that kind of instinctively grosses me out, but at least she just exerted herself and is at the end of the race, rather than at the very beginning and apparently just goofy, like Amie was. Anyway, Amber hops up and he runs with her on his back toward the car. Despite his youth and childlessness, he's got a little of the man strength, Mariano. Construction work is huge for the development of man strength, I think -- certainly as distinguished from the gym strength. At any rate, in the car, they head for the airport. Despite having just carried her all the way to the car, he tells her, "Good job, way to work." She comments that the other teams really shouldn't be all that far ahead of them. And indeed, before you know it, Rob and Amber catch up with the other two teams. In fact, they ultimately pass them when they pick the best toll lane. Kelly bitches, of course, that Ron picked the worst one, and Ron shuts her down with a "Don't pick on me; I'll start pickin' on you." Heh. And then? "Dang." Coming out of the tollbooth, it is indeed Rob and Amber in first place. Ron and Kelly in second. Uchenna and Joyce bringing up the rear. Rob and Amber head for the airport, and they follow the signs.
Ron and Kelly. She looks out the front and says, "Airport, to the left." So he veers left, just as she says, "Go, go, go right!" He points out that she just said to go left, and she says that she was just reading a sign out loud, and apparently he wasn't supposed to follow it? Or something? At any rate, he manages to be blamed for this, which is sort of remarkable. "Open your eyes and read the signs," she bitches, and he points out that he didn't see a sign -- he went left because she said to, which is exactly what happened. "Don't jump on me because I don't understand what you're saying because you said the wrong thing," he says, quite correctly. Of course, Kelly can't abide this kind of straight talk, and she immediately crosses her arms and says, "Shut up, please, and be quiet." "YOU shut up," Ron says, finally giving her the "shut up" she's needed since Peru. ["If by 'Peru,' you mean 'the womb.'" -- Sars]
Uchenna and Joyce are headed to the airport. But Rob and Amber are there first, and they ask about the flight to Miami. With Uchenna and Joyce behind them, Rob and Amber are told that the available flight is at 11:15. They ask if there's anything earlier on any other airline, and they're told that there isn't. There's a 10:00 flight, but it's already closed. They beg to see if there's any way they can get on the flight, but the lady insists that there isn't. They agree to take the 11:15 flight. Rob asks Uchenna and Joyce where Ron and Kelly are, and Joyce notes that they "must have made a wrong turn."
And indeed they have, in sort of a grand sense, because they are still arguing. And he makes a little "shut it" gesture that she correctly points out is incredibly dismissive and obnoxious. You can sort of tell that he's beyond caring at this point and just wants to get home, which is sad. "A gentleman," she says sarcastically. "A true American gentleman right there." Gross! The first time I can't think of anything better to say during a fight of that sort than "you're no gentleman, sir!" is the day I admit I've already lost.
Rob and Amber and Uchenna and Joyce are ticketed on the 11:15 flight. Rob then seeks out another agent and asks her about the flight to Miami. "It's already boarding," she says. He asks if he can get on that flight, and she says she'll put them on the standby list. They get the gate information and head out. The gate agent in the ticket office, however, tells Uchenna just what she told Rob and Amber -- the 11:15 is the first flight they can get on. Uchenna says that they should check for earlier options anyway. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber run to the gate. They beg their way onto the flight. As they get on, Rob asks whether the flight is closed and the door is closed, and he's told that it is. He smiles. Elsewhere, Uchenna and Joyce see the flight that's boarding, and they surmise that the agent probably figured they couldn't make it in time. Rob and Amber put their backpacks up into the overhead, as he explains that they intend to abandon them, since they can't run around with stuff on the ground in Miami. Uchenna and Joyce run up to the gate for the flight, but they're told that they can't get on.
Commercials. Lean Pockets will never be anything but Lean Pockets, if you get my meaning. They just won't.
At the San Juan airport, we watch as Uchenna and Joyce watch the jetway actually pulled away from the plane they're trying to get on. And I will tell you that I have watched seven seasons of this show, and I have never, ever seen anybody get on a flight after the jetway was pulled back. Ever. But all of a sudden, they're calling the pilot to see if he'll come back. And of course he does, and all of a sudden, you've got a two-team race to the finish line rather than the landslide victory that was about twelve seconds from occurring.
I'm not a conspiracy theorist, and I absolutely don't believe that anybody at the show ever favors one team over another -- I just don't believe it, and I've never heard a convincing argument for why they'd do it. But a convincing argument in favor of intervening to avoid a team winning by an hour? Yeah, that's very easy to come up with. Do I believe producers have the ability to fix this kind of thing? No. Do I believe they have the ability to pull strings with American Airlines? Probably not. Do I believe that it would have? Oh, my, yes. I don't think the show favors teams over other teams, but I do believe it favors two-team finishes over one-team finishes, which is why the insistent bunching appears over and over and over again throughout the final leg. There is no way they want a one-team finish where nobody's within an hour of the lead team, and I believe that all possible efforts would have been made to avoid it. We'll never know. But it's highly suspicious to me, and it certainly is the biggest and unlikeliest single stroke of luck of the entire race.
Again, Uchenna keeps referring to this as a "blessing," in accordance with the requirement that the good things that happen to them be attributable to what great people they are and how much God favors them, rather than the fact that American Airlines doesn't want to look like dicks on television and has a relationship with CBS. I mean, does this mean that God chose not to bless Frank and Margarita, because they didn't make the subway? Even though they had a little girl, God just decided there was no blessing for them? Or that God was like, "One-potato, two-potato...never mind, I choose Flo!" It's just goofy. At any rate, the jetway comes back down, and they get on the flight, and...fine. If you love a largely random ending, you're going to get one.
And on the way onto the flight, Joyce thanks Jesus. Feh.
Ron and Kelly finally get to the airport, and they do wind up with the 11:15 flight.
Hilarious faux-Miami Vice music plays as we are introduced to Miami, and then -- guess what? -- Rob and Amber are the first to get out of the airport. Go figure. In the cab, Uchenna and Joyce talk about their hope that Ron and Kelly didn't get any flights that they aren't aware of, so they're hoping it's just them and Rob and Amber.
At the San Juan airport, Ron and Kelly's flight -- which has been delayed until 11:40 -- leaves at last.
In Miami, Rob and Amber pull up to the causeway and the clue box. It tells them to go to Little Havana and find "the King of the Havanas." Phil claims that they'll search for a cigar shop called "The King of the Havanas," but he then says that the teams will have to "figure out" that the shop is known by its Spanish name. Of course, they've never done that on any other clue in the race, ever, so it would appear to be another attempt to introduce randomness, since it's not really something you can "figure out." Anyway, at the shop, they'll find their clue.
Incidentally, there's no indication that they're told it's a cigar shop, either. Just "King of the Havanas." Luck and randomness, depending on who you run into and what they know.
Rob and Amber's driver says that he knows Calle Ocho, the street it's on, but he doesn't know what King of the Havanas is. Uchenna and Joyce talk more about "staying positive," blah blah, and now I want it all to be over just so I can stop hearing that. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber are dropped off at Calle Ocho, where they start asking people for the King of the Havanas.
Uchenna and Joyce pull their clue, and when they take it back to their driver, he hesitates to take them, because they don't have any money. Despite not having any money and not having any way of getting any money, they promise to pay him. Which is...kind of not that cool, to me. I would never promise "I'll take care of you" to a taxi driver without knowing where I was going to get the money. At any rate, Rob and Amber are asking people on Calle Ocho about the King of the Havanas. Nobody knows, until they get one guy who says it's on 27th and 8th. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce's driver -- with no apparent help from them -- happens to ask somebody who happens to know that it's on 11th Street. Luck and randomness, you know? It comes up over and over again, don't get me wrong, including flat tires and a million other things. But to force the whole last double leg to come to this, and then to force this to be luck and randomness...that, I don't like.
Rob and Amber are still stopping people at the destination where they were directed, and nobody knows. Rob puts in a call to God also. (God: "I'm sorry; I'm busy in the Boardroom and at tribal council. Big week!") When Uchenna and Joyce's driver pulls up to the store, though, he recognizes it, and he shows them right where it is. They? Do nothing. In fact, they originally don't even think this is the place, until he explains to them that it is, because it's in Spanish. And then they go inside, and they get the clue to the finish line, which is in Fort Lauderdale. They get in their cab and head out.
Rob and Amber come back for their cab, and it has vanished. They continue looking for the place at the spot where they were told to go, which appears to be wrong. Rob eventually spots a king and a crown on a sign, so they run toward it, but nope -- that's the Tire King. (Hee.) They then find their cab again and hop back in.
Elsewhere, Uchenna and Joyce head for the finish. And now that they have already passed how much money they have, and after promising they could take care of the cabbie, Uchenna informs the driver that they in fact don't have the money to pay him. Boooo! Uchenna says they're going to make the money along the way. In other words, "Just go! We'll figure out how to pay you after you've already performed the services!" Again? Boooo!
Elsewhere, Rob miserably comments, "I knew everything was going way too smooth." Well, seriously. And then he prays to St. Anthony with the medal around his neck, so I can't root for them now, either.
Uchenna begs for money. At last, Rob and Amber find the cigar shop and head inside. They get the clue and go. You can basically tell in the car that they know it's probably over. It's written all over both of their faces, but I'd say it's Amber who really knows that they just got screwed.
Oh, and Ron and Kelly are arriving in Miami, but they are figuratively in Alaska with Guido.
Uchenna reminds us that they will win because they have faith in God. Such a turn-off. And what do you know? When they get to their destination, they cannot pay the driver who they have already promised to pay numerous times. "We'll take care of you" -- didn't deliver. "We'll make the money along the way" -- didn't deliver. Now, Uchenna wants the guy to take a ring in lieu of payment. Uh, not. Not only that, but the driver is visibly pissed off that they're trying to stiff him after he treated them so well. They hop out and start begging. Rob and Amber are approaching, or so they would have us believe. Ron and Kelly are on their way to Little Havana.
Uchenna actually tries to get someone to give him 50 dollars, and if you can show me where in the Bible it says someone should give you 50 dollars of their own money so that you can make a million dollars, I'll find that very interesting. I think I've never read that part. They get a little money from these people. Uchenna, incidentally, makes a comment about "we can't just run in; we have to make sure this man is covered," and what they don't tell you is that this is not altruism -- they were apparently told that they couldn't check in at the finish line when they hadn't paid their driver, which makes perfect sense, because you have to finish the race, and that means having money for your cab, unless you can get your cab to accept less, which, really, why should he? Seriously. Why should he? You don't have an emergency -- you want to win money. Why should he work for you for free, or at a discount, just because you want a million dollars? You gotta pay your cabbie, and you gotta pay him in cash, and you gotta pay him immediately upon delivery; that's my feeling. Particularly when you've reassured him repeatedly that you will pay him, trying to get him to accept a ring is just...not that cool, to me.
Rob and Amber make it over a bridge as it's about to close.
Uchenna asks a guy for $25. The guy doesn't appreciate being hit up for a pretty ridiculous sum, begging-wise, and when they tell him they have to pay a cab they have already taken, the guy seems even less impressed. "Begging ain't the way to do it," he says. Rob and Amber are approaching; Uchenna is begging. He hits up a guy who gives him $10.
It appears that Joyce has taken the tack of telling people she's collecting "donations" (hmmm), because some nice lady says, "Can you tell me what I'm donating for?" Joyce takes the money, walks several steps back from the lady, and then, while continuing to retreat, says, "For, uhhh...we're racing." Mm-hmm. Not loving the technique. Definitely not seeing the hand of God here. I don't blame them, but this is we-smell-the-money stuff, and it has nothing to do with being generous.
Uchenna and Joyce get the money, they pay the cabbie, they run up to the mat, everyone cheers, and they win. Which is nice, because they're lovely people. And she's an awesome bald lady, and they were very awesome and sweet to each other. They cheer, everyone else cheers, and I'm totally distracted by the stupid fact that Bianca is wearing a tank top that says, "Bianca." What?
As they celebrate victory, they announce that they'll be trying for the baby. A guy yelling, "In vitro, here we come!" on the mat is a little unconventional, but okay. And then, of course, he gives the shout-out for adoption. Also a great plan. They thank all the other teams. Unsurprisingly and disgustingly, you can hear Lynn trying to hog the attention going, "You guys are good people." Ugh, that is so revolting. That guy shutting the fuck up is just about the best thing about the end of the season, for me. Joyce announces that they heard everyone praying that they would win.
Rob and Amber run up, and the other teams are sure to chill them out and clap half-assedly, just to make their point one more time. I'm not sure what the hating is about -- apparently, it's not the part where they bribed the bus driver not to open the door, because you'll remember that Uchenna and Joyce were in on that, so...huh. Very interesting. Anyway, Phil congratulates Rob and Amber on being very competitive. Rob says they gave it their all, but he says, "Hats off to Uchenna and Joyce." Amber says she's excited about getting married and starting a family. "We finished second," Rob says, "but I wouldn't change a thing. I got Amber, so I'm in first place in my book." They smooch. Later, we welcome Ron and Kelly. Phil asks them how the relationship is. Kelly: "I think I'm pretty much the typical woman who's just ready to get married, and walk down the aisle and start a family, and Ron to me is just kind of that typical guy who's not ready to get into a serious commitment, and I think we're on different paths right now." Blah blah blah, time will tell, blah blah. Ron calls it "the adventure of a lifetime." (He wore a "Free Ron" button at TARcon. Because he fucking rocks, and he needs a girl who fucking rocks, and I hope he finds one.) Uchenna interviews that he's so proud of Joyce, and they've overcome barriers and so forth. "I love him so much," Joyce says. I certainly hope that will all stick. They are lovely, lovely people.
I have to explain: I loved Uchenna and Joyce for most of the season. So awesome. So awesome. But I hated where this season went, because I've watched this show for a long time, and I've known a lot of people who participated in it, and I've never seen a season generate into such a bitchy, moralizing, self-righteous morass, and it's not Rob and Amber who made that happen. It's primarily Lynn and Alex, with help from Meredith and Gretchen, Ron and Kelly, and -- unfortunately -- Uchenna and Joyce. This show does not prove who the nicest person is. It doesn't show who has the best karma, or who God chooses to "bless" over others. It's a game show. The entire reason that part of me does dig Rob, in spite of the fact that he's the Thattiest That Guy who ever walked the earth and I have about as much in common with him as I do with the Travelocity gnome, is that Rob doesn't think winning this show would prove he's a better human being than any of the rest of these people. He thinks it would mean he beat them at this game, and he's right. I have sat through far too many tribal councils that turned into referenda on everyone's goodness, and it's absolute bullshit. Every single time.
The irony is that everybody thought Rob would introduce bad things from Survivor -- scheming, lying, plotting -- to this show. Guess what? The stupidest shit from Survivor got imported by the whiny jackholes like Lynn and Alex who couldn't shut up about their own moral superiority. And it dragged in other people -- Patrick, for instance -- whom I am almost certain I otherwise would have liked. But it turned into...this. Winning reality shows is not about your goodness, and winning this one isn't about your goodness, either. It's about getting out of the airport fast, and working flight attendants, and being fit, and thinking on your feet in a very particular way that doesn't even necessarily have all that many practical applications. And it's about being lucky at the right times and not being unlucky at the wrong times. I could go on for several pages on this point, but...I won't.
In a sense, I'm pissed off that what should have been a really satisfying win by a team I liked tremendously got wrecked because it mutated into a morality play. It was just an incredibly ungenerous, pinched, unpleasant season, as if the Twin Hunt of S3 had gone all season and been six times as vicious and twelve times as ever-present and everyone involved had kept whining about it after they were eliminated. And just as I didn't blame Derek and Drew for the Twin Hunt, I'm not blaming Rob and Amber for being the targets of that shit, no matter what other unpleasant things can rightly be said about them, and about the casting of them. It's the rest of these people who ruined the season for me.
I hate the fact that this victory provided an ending for this bunch of sourpusses that seems to validate their bullshit. I'm not in favor of paying bus drivers not to open doors and things of that nature. I wasn't rooting for them particularly hard. But I would have loved -- loved -- seeing some of the rest of these self-important wanks like Lynn and Alex have to eat it. Seriously. Because I hate moralizing in reality television. I hate it. Hate it.
A season with a happy ending, but one that would have been a lot happier if considerable associated crap could have been avoided.