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"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Rob's karma." "Rob's karma who?" "Rob's karma THIS." Yes, this is the night when we learn that you can get away with a lot of grinning and tough talk about other teams until the moment when you egregiously screw up, at which point every self-satisfied thing you say -- and particularly every dismissive thing you say about people who are, unbeknownst to you, ahead of you -- takes on a delightfully ironic flavor. This lesson is driven home to one Rob Mariano after he makes one too many playful jabs to scare Meredith and Gretchen and Uchenna and Joyce, and winds up scaring them intoâ¦investigating a flight they never would have found without "help." When he gets entirely rotten information from a ticket agent, Rob concludes that he's in the clear, and he and Amber and Ron and Kelly have a brief moment of peace in Turkey before realizing that they're actually fighting for last place this time. Despite Gretchen's lengthy sojourn up the side of a tower and the trouble she and Meredith apparently have finding clue boxes in fairly unchallenging situations, they finish second behind a surging Uchenna and Joyce. Rob and Amber beat out Ron and Kelly for third place, and all of a sudden, it's a whole new ball game as the pageant queen and the POW lose all their loot. Oh, and Kelly basically does accuse Ron of using his POW status as a cheap way to avoid his commitment to the military. It's almost unbelievable, but her comment to this effect is actually more offensive than it looked in the preview. I know -- it seems impossible. It isn't. Oh, and -- did you know Travelocity was a sponsor of this show? I bet you do now. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Trained In Vain: Lucknow pit stop -- psych! The teams took a long train ride, then partied with a local wedding until the wee small hours of the morning -- except for Rob, who was busy securing what might be characterized as a SuperFern for the day. Gretchen figured that riding on top of the giant elephant was the best way to help it reach its destination quickly, because Meredith could use the exercise anyway. It's good for him! Pay no attention to that graying skin tone and clutching of his chest! Get out of the way! Push! Uchenna and Joyce hit the Fast Forward and learned that they -- by which the universe meant "she" -- would have to shave her head. Which she did, because she is awesome and lovely. She wound up looking better than before, but don't tell anyone, because then a lot of women will shave their heads who really shouldn't, and we'll all be looking at a lot of very unattractive scalps. Uchenna and Joyce hit the mat first, just ahead of Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber. Meredith and Gretchen and Lynn and Alex raced to the pit stop, and karma finally bit the whiny pair of boyfriends as they found themselves Philiminated, meaning that Gretchen and Meredith will continue to operate on whatever combination of generosity, perseverance, and Ensure has gotten them this far. (Ooh, the Horns of Perseverance make a sadly rare appearance in the previouslys -- go, Horns of Perseverance!) Four teams left. Who will be eliminated...?Credits. It wasn't until I heard the theme song on headphones while working on the recap on my computer at Starbucks (thanks, computer with TiVo capabilities, and thanks, total lack of shame at appearing to be the kind of dork who does work at Starbucks!) that I truly came to appreciate all the drums, which I think are the secret weapon of that music. [BOMP.]
Commercials. It seems to me that if you have your husband on speaker phone while your colleagues are coming in for a business meeting, especially if you don't tell your husband he's on speaker phone, I really can't feel all that sorry for you.
We return to Jodhpur, India, where the introductory footage treats us to an actual apparent snake-charmer. Phil explains that this is the "agricultural center of northwest India," and that in the middle of the city is the eighth pit stop. On, of course, this "racearoundtheworld." He wonders whether working together will benefit Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly, and whether Meredith and Gretchen will ever stop finishing last. I think you'll agree that the respective answers to those two questions will come as something of a shock to anyone viewing the episode.
11:24 PM. Uchenna and Joyce are leaving in first place again, which makes the universe seem generally happy in a way I'm not sure I approve of. The clue tells them to fly to Istanbul, Turkey, which Phil explains is more than 4000 miles. There, they'll have to take a train to a dock, and then take a ferry to an island called Kiz Kulesi. Yeesh. It certainly seems to be a week for playing Transportation Bingo. I mean, they already have "rolling wooden elephant" scratched off from last week, so that's got to be one of the toughest squares to get. Anyway, there's a tower on the island, and there's a clue at the top of the tower. As Uchenna and Joyce leave, she tells us that they go by the motto "let go, let God," which is...fine, I suppose. As always, I don't think God takes much of a hand in reality-show victory or defeat, but if you're limiting your talk to the quality of your experience, I suppose that's cool. Joyce says that losing her hair was "God's plan." Eh. Again, not sure I'm buying that God wants your hair, but whatever makes her feel better is okay with me. She does say that "there's nothing that [she] cannot do," so she thinks they'll win now. They would be the first pair of bald winners, so that would serve the show's constant need to shake things up, I guess. They tell their cab driver to take them to a travel agent.
11:26 PM. Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber are leaving the mat at the same time, and you'll notice that the close finish they had last week behind Uchenna and Joyce really was a close finish, and not the charade those things so often are. It's hard to believe them at this point, isn't it? It's like they're the Show That Cried Close Finish. Both teams read the clue. Remarkably, we learn that Sanjay is still with them as they're getting ready to leave. I fear that Sanjay doesn't have enough to do as manager of that hotel. I hope Rob and Amber gave him something. A Sox hat? An autograph? A Burger King gift certificate? As Ron takes a look at the clue before they go, Kelly gives a loud snort of displeasure, which seems to be a not-unusual response for her when things don't go just as she'd like. Ron and Kelly actually manage to bicker about reading the clue, which is never a good sign, as it tends to lead to pain and agony. Let's watch! Ron voices over that the "tension" between him and Kelly is starting to interfere with their ability to run a good race. And, word. And, Ron, you have no idea. And, Free Ron! Rob gives yet another sound bite about how he likes working with Ron and Kelly, but in the end, blah dee blah, there to win, blah dee blah. They either need to find a variation on that speech, or they need to stop running it all together, because I swear I have heard that about sixteen times now, and I am officially well beyond bored. Nicely, in the cab, Ron manages to sing a little snippet of "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)," which impresses those of us who like novelty songs. And who doesn't like novelty songs? Sing it with me! "Aaaand it's one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen wheels on a big rig, and they're rollin'-rollin'-rollin', rollin'-rollin'-rollin'!" Okay, that one doesn't apply here quite as well as "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)," but still. Incidentally, for the confused, that is not a They Might Be Giants song. That is an old, old song. I believe the most famous version is the Four Lads, although allmusic.com also lists one by Lee Press-On and the Nails, which is awesome. I'm not sure I even know how to process that.
11:33 PM. Meredith and Gretchen reveal that $82 is available for this leg. Gretchen explains that they're "still making it," which she finds "unbelievable." Me, too. She says that earlier, she wanted to just get a little farther, and now, she wants to win. Which I think is still unlikely. They manage to step in a few grandparent-like stereotypes when they complain about the stickers on the cab's windshield and how "very dangerous" it is. They'd feel much better if the guy would put one blinker on. Thank you, I'm here all week! Tip your waitress!
Uchenna and Joyce figure that the travel agency to which they've been directed is probably closed, since it's practically midnight, so they're headed to a hotel where they can call and get some information. They pull into the hotel, and when they call, they find that indeed, the place is open. Wow. I guess they specialize not only in flights, but also in flight. As in, "fleeing." Because who needs a travel agency in the middle of the night, besides these people? Anyway, Uchenna asks on the phone about the fastest way to Istanbul, and he learns of a morning flight that leaves at 10:20 AM. He tells the agent over the phone that he's on his way to collect the tickets. They get back in their cab.
Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly, on the other hand, have gone directly to the travel agency, and they're asking about tickets. They learn of the same flight that Uchenna found out about, and it goes through Delhi. They book the tickets. Ron explains that this is the best option they could find, and it will arrive the following day at 8:45 in the morning. These two teams, with Sanjay's help, head out to a hotel. Rob comments that it's a good thing they have a guide, as his Hindi is rather lacking. Heh.
Meredith and Gretchen hit the travel agency and get the same tickets as everyone else. When they're done, they run into Uchenna and Joyce, and the teams chat about the 10:20 flight, which Uchenna and Joyce get on also. So at this point, everyone is on the same plane. At the hotel, Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly bid farewell to Sanjay, who can now return to his life and be fired for missing work. Uchenna and Joyce head to the hotel with Gretchen and Meredith, and Joyce explains that their reason for helping Gretchen and Meredith is that they're "really good people." Ugh. As much as I love Uchenna and Joyce, they definitely have a tinge of that whole Amazing Montessori School thing that I don't care for. I mean, Joyce throws in a thing about, "At the end of the day, they're still our competition," but that just doesn't jibe with helping people on the basis that they're "good people." I like to think I would be a heartless, bloodless automaton in this situation. Everyone checks into the hotel.
The morning, teams leave for the airport, with Uchenna and Joyce taking off together, and Gretchen taking the opportunity to compliment Joyce on her bald head, on display without her bandanna for the first time. And you can tell it's an entirely sincere compliment from the way she says, "You look beauuuuutiful," rather than "It looks fine" or "It's not that bad" or something of that nature. Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly leave , with Rob commenting, "I'm so over India." Yeah, because all they found there was a guy who stayed on as their guide over, like, multiple days. What a horrible society! I get that it's crowded, but…shut up, Rob.
Teams arrive at the airport. They land boarding passes, with Gretchen and Meredith and Uchenna and Joyce hitting the place first. Gretchen, of course, has to hurry over to Uchenna and gossip about the arrival of Rob and Amber when it occurs. When Rob runs into Gretchen, he just cannot resist putting a needle in her: "Did you guys get on the earlier flight to Turkey?" he asks her. "Uhhh...no," she says. "At least we know there's an earlier flight to Turkey," Meredith comments after Rob has left. Up at the ticket counter, Rob chuckles to Amber about how he couldn't resist making that comment, in spite of there being no earlier flight to Turkey (that he knows of), both because he wanted to know whether they had an earlier flight and -- and I'd say this is the far bigger factor -- because he wanted to tease Gretchen a little. This is so unwise for such a large number of reasons. He talks about how he wants Gretchen to be like, "What are they talking about?", but he doesn't follow it to the logical step, which is what she's going to do once she convinces herself she doesn't know what he's talking about, which is pursue other flights. That can be nothing but bad for him, which is why it's such a dopey move. If he were really doing it to get information, that would be one thing, but again, this is about getting wrapped up in the interpersonal nonsense to the possible detriment of your own position. For a guy who's usually fairly good at seeing a couple of moves ahead, he should have seen all the places where this could potentially go, and he clearly didn't, which makes him just not quite as smart as he thinks.
Gretchen runs back to Uchenna and Joyce and repeats Rob's remark. "So obviously, there's an earlier flight to Turkey," Uchenna says. He looks for a cell phone from someone in the lounge, and calls a travel agent. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly get on the flight to Delhi. On the phone, Uchenna learns of an Indian Air flight leaving at 8:00 PM from Delhi to Dubai, which connects to Istanbul on Turkish Air, landing in Istanbul at 6:20 AM -- almost two and a half hours before they're now scheduled to land. And as it happens, Ron and Kelly overhear part -- but, critically, not all -- of this conversation. Kelly hears Uchenna talking about a 3:30 flight on Turkish Air, and she tells Ron that they've got to get on it. As he gets on the flight to Delhi, Uchenna comments that it's nice to think they've gotten onto the earlier flight and have a chance at first place "because everyone's together." That is, he thinks he just caught up with the arrangements Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly already have -- in other words, the flight he thinks Rob was referring to when he was teasing Gretchen. So, so stupid. The flight takes off.
In Delhi, Rob remarks that he's glad to be ditching Ron and Kelly, who were "slowing [them] up." Because while you're bragging unduly, you might as well get it all out of the way at once. They go to the travel agency to look for a flight that can get them to Istanbul sooner. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen head for, presumably, a travel agency where they can get their earlier tickets. When Ron and Kelly emerge from the airport, they realize that their alliance-mates have deserted them. In the cab on the way to a Turkish Air office, Ron talks about how amazing it is to see all these things, and how it makes him even more aware that he still has a lot of things he wants to do before he gets married and has kids with Kelly. Kelly is having none of it: "I really am not going to sit around and wait for somebody to say that everything else in life is more important. I'm worth more than that, I think." She says she's "ready to be with [him]," and she won't "sit around and wait." Ultimatums are so romantic. There's nothing like getting a guy to marry you through threats. Who doesn't dream of a proposal accompanied by those magic words, "Well, okay"?
And then Kelly uncorks this charmer, which you may think of as the beginning of this week's episode of Really Bad Idea Theater: "Your patterns in life show that you don't make commitments." Ron is a little flummoxed and can't hold back an outbreak of sarcasm: "You're right…I was only committed to the military…" Kelly: "And you got out of that one." This is where the scene seems to go into slow motion as we all sit there and say, "She's not really going to do this, right? She isn't. I mean, she wouldn't. Even she wouldn't." Ron, wondering whether she's actually saying what he thinks she's saying: "How did I get out of that one?" Kelly: "By bein' a POW."
Oh, Lord. She said it.
"You left your commitment early," she scolds. "Oh, yeah," he says in disbelief. "I was…what I did is I crashed myself, I went through hell and torture, so that I could get out of the Army early. I almost died -- but I knew I was getting out of the Army early if I survived it!" He's laughing at the absurdity of what she's suggesting, even as you can see whatever remaining affection he has ever had for her drain out of him. ["About goddamn time." -- Sars] He tells her he's not arguing over this, and is "sick of fighting all the time." You know, as far as Kelly's comments on his POW status, not only do I think that's the meanest thing I've ever heard on this show, that may be the most jaw-droppingly unfeeling treatment of one person by another that I've ever seen on reality television. To me, it's about up there with dating someone whose partner died of cancer and being like, "Well, you can't commit -- you got out of that relationship by having her die of cancer." There are certain things that your emotional emergency brake should be adequate to keep you from throwing in a person's face, and his POW experience is one of them. It's just senseless and awful, not to mention…I mean, it's basically an abandonment of the relationship, because no one who cares about you would ever show you so little mercy. Even if her theory weren't entirely absurd, which it is, it would take about a milligram of human kindness to know you don't throw that at him. Why would you do that? Why would you be so…cold…toward somebody you're supposed to care about? To me, that comment is such an act of emotional abandonment that just the fact that she said it -- not to mention her failure to be mortified the minute she heard it come out of her mouth -- basically constitutes breaking up with him. It's an emotional "fuck you" that's so profound that I don't really see how you'd ever come back from it.
Rob and Amber arrive at a travel agency and ask for the quickest way to Istanbul, and they are cited the 8:45 arrival in Istanbul. Rob asks whether there's anything that gets there earlier, specifically asking about allowing for another connection in another city, and he's assured that there isn't. "We'll see if there's something else," he says, and he and Amber leave.
Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen go in to pick up their tickets through Dubai, arriving in Istanbul at 6:20 in the morning the day. They head for the airport. Gretchen reminds us of the arrangements, and Meredith points out the two-hour advantage over the previously planned flight. Rob and Amber, then Ron and Kelly, head to Turkish Airlines, where they inquire about faster ways to Istanbul. They try to ask about the earlier flight, but they're assured that there's nothing. Kelly says she thought she heard Uchenna talking about a 3:30 Turkish Air flight, but I think she's missing the essential point that that's not a flight out of Delhi; that's the flight out of Dubai. Rob asks whether it was Uchenna who said that, and Kelly confirms that it was. "He has no clue what he's talkin' about," Rob says. He asks about whether Turkish Airlines has another flight out tonight, but I think that he's miscommunicating with the agent, because the agent is truthfully telling him that there are no more Turkish Airlines flights out of Delhi to Istanbul until the one they're scheduled for. Rob specifically asks whether there's a 3:30 AM Turkish Airlines flight, and the agent tells him -- correctly -- that from here, there isn't. As they leave, Rob says that indeed, it appears that the flight they have is the best flight.
The part of this that isn't quite as stupid as it looks is that he did pursue information at a couple of different places -- both the travel agent and Turkish Airlines -- where a better agent would have told him about the earlier option. But he got unlucky on that front, and that can happen, which is why it was so unbelievably dimwitted to provoke Gretchen with that "earlier flight" nonsense in the first place. Talk about shooting your damn self in the foot.
Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen leave on their flight, and Joyce mentions that they don't see Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber, but they know there weren't too many ways to travel, so they're optimistic. When Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly arrive, they don't see the other teams. Despite specifically knowing that Kelly overheard Uchenna talking about having an earlier flight, Rob has himself so thoroughly sewn into a cocoon of self-satisfaction that even not seeing the other teams at the airport doesn't provoke him to think that perhaps he's been outmaneuvered. Instead, he embarks on a campaign of karma provocation in which he talks about how Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen are rather pitiful help for each other. "It's like the blind leading the blind," he says. "You'd think at 65, 70 years old, they'd have a clue, but they don't," he says. And of course, they don't, given that there is no way Meredith and Gretchen would have found that flight on their own. No way. Still? There's no way to say that without looking like a dick, and when they're out in front of you, you look like a dick as well as a fool, and that's an unlovely combination, to say the least. Rob talks -- again, not incorrectly, but still dickishly -- about how Uchenna and Joyce and Gretchen and Meredith basically followed other people, namely Lynn and Alex, for most of the entire race, and now they're not sure what to do. And what's stupid about this is that Rob basically jumped in and played the part of a stronger person to lead those teams, only he did it by accident. They probably would have sat back and done nothing, had he not gotten them off their complacent asses himself. What a maroon! "They're stupid," Rob says.
Dear Rob: You amuse me much of the time, but boy, you really do deserve every bit of this. Kissy, Miss A.
Commercials. I really don't think that having a picture-taking cell phone gives you carte blanche to take pictures of random strangers and send them around, whether they have great hair or not.
Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly head out to Istanbul on their flight from Delhi. In a line that's suspiciously choppy, Rob comments that he's "completely confident" that the absence of the other two teams on their flight means that they've "gained the lead." Did he really say "completely confident"? Bah! The Amazing Yellow Lines demonstrate that all four teams are now headed to Istanbul, and Phil reminds us that they'll have to head to the tower at Kiz Kulesi when they get there.
In Istanbul, the lead plane carrying Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen lands at 6:27 AM. They hop on a train, presumably into the city, and while they ride, Joyce voices over how happy she is to be experiencing all these adventures with Uchenna. Aw. They're nice. These teams hop on a ferry to the lighthouse, and Uchenna comments that "it's on."
The second flight lands at 8:24 AM. Rob and Amber are just ahead of Ron and Kelly heading for the train. In fact, they get out on a train that leaves before Ron and Kelly can get on board, so they manage to give themselves a little bit of a lead. "Dang! Missed the freakin' train," Ron comments. The fact that he's traveled this far with Kelly (literally and figuratively) and can still limit his profanity to "dang" indicates to me that he's probably a cool enough guy that he didn't intentionally crash his plane in order to be imprisoned in Iraq so he could get out of the Army early.
The Underestimated Alliance arrives at the lighthouse on the ferry. They head up to the top, and Uchenna and Joyce are the first to read the clue telling them to find a gnome -- which Joyce unfortunately pronounces "ga-nome." Phil explains that they'll search the island for a Travelocity gnome -- ew! The teams will not be told that each gnome has a marking on the bottom, and whichever team brings to the pit stop the gnome that has the plane on the bottom will win a prize at the mat. Once they have a gnome, they have to head 12 miles to the Galata Kulesi tower, where they'll find yet another clue. Uchenna and Joyce take off to gnome-hunt, followed closely by Gretchen and Meredith, who happily note an abundance of clues in the box and conclude that they're apparently ahead of the other teams. They go back down to look for their gnome. Gretchen finds a gnome hidden in the wall, so they get on the ferry. Uchenna and Joyce get theirs, and the Underestimated Alliance is reunited back on the ferry. On shore, they get in cabs for Galata Kulesi. I really could have lived without the aggressive nature of this particular product placement. It's so stupid, and it has nothing to do with anything, and the gnomes weren't even apparently hidden very much, so the whole thing plays like a 30-second commercial right in the middle of my show. Bleh.
On the train, Rob and Amber note that Turkey looks to be in better shape than the parts of India they saw. "I feel like I'm at home on the T," Rob notes. Well, it's not like being at home on the T unless you regularly ride around getting your ass whomped by bald people and grandparents, babe. Ron and Kelly, meanwhile, finally get on a train, and Ron says that they really hope they're out ahead of the other two teams and are thus in second place behind Rob and Amber.
Uchenna and Joyce arrive at Galata Kulesi, find the clue box, and open the clue, which is a Detour. This particular Detour offers them a choice between Columns and Kilos. In Columns, as Phil explains while looking mighty hot in his brown suede jacket, teams go two miles to an ancient well, where they have to use a map with coordinates to find a specific column with numbers on it, and then they pull a box up from a well and use the numbers from the column to come up with the combination. Or...something. It's a little bit confusing, to tell you the truth. I'm not sure I understand this task, and yet, it seems simplistic. Am I getting stupider? It's not impossible. In Kilos, on the other hand, you get a scale from a guy on the street and go around weighing people in the street until you hit 2500 kilos. Phil swears that weighing people on the street is a common practice in Istanbul, which…all right. Every place has its unique recreational activities.
Uchenna and Joyce take Kilos. In Gretchen and Meredith's cab, he asks her what they should call the gnome. "I don't know. 'Gnome,'" she says. Wow, she's certainly a barrel of laughs. Not. I'd find them a lot more plucky if she weren't so stubbornly unpleasant, because he really seems like a pretty nice guy, but she's…not so friendly, even to him. Meredith favors "Jerome the gnome." Heh. Sometimes, when the company is limited, you really do have to make your own fun. And also, cab rides are boring. She's lucky he never named the bandages on her head. You know, assuming he didn't.
Rob and Amber head onto the ferry, happy that Ron and Kelly aren't with them. Ron and Kelly are, in fact, still on the train, so the ferry leaves without them. "I think we've got a big enough lead right now; we don't want to overdo it," Rob chuckles, demonstrating again his high-stakes level of banter that you can totally get away with provided you are actually ahead, but that makes you look like a complete idiot if you happen to be, without realizing it, behind. As he is at he moment. Meaning? Complete. Idiot.
Uchenna and Joyce find the scales guy, get their scale, and start weighing folks. They start to make notes, and my favorite part is where Uchenna says to one guy, "No, no, keep your coat on!" Heh. He's like a backwards Weight Watchers meeting. "Keep your bracelet on! Don't take off your belt! No, don't spit out your gum!"
At Galata Kulesi, Gretchen and Meredith decide that they have go to the top of the tower to get the clue. That screwy oompah music that I still think has very little to do with Turkey starts up as they take the elevator to the top and start looking for a clue box. They don't find one, unsurprisingly. "Man, this is hard," Meredith complains. Finally, they note that it might be downstairs, and they head back down.
Uchenna and Joyce finish up the weighing at last, and they receive a clue telling them to go ten miles to a fortress called Rumeli Hisari, where they'll get another clue. They grab a cab and take off.
Back at the tower, Meredith and Gretchen still don't see a clue, so they head back inside the tower yet again to look for it. "Why do we have so much trouble with things like this?" Gretchen wonders. Because you're...not great at this game and get really lucky a lot? Just a guess. Meredith lifts up a big dome that I'm not sure tourists are meant to lift up, wondering if the clue is under it. I was sort of afraid there would be sacred remains under there, or a security camera. Or a really, really big dinner. When he doesn't find a clue, they take the elevator to the top. Again. "Why don't we see things," she whines. At the top, she whines some more, and then they look down and see that the clue box is down on the ground, by the entrance. "What a waste of time," she complains. Finally, they open the Detour clue and head for the Kilos. I think people are picking the Kilos because they cannot figure out what the Columns are. That's what I would do.
Rob and Amber find the ferry to Kiz Kulesi and get on board. Meanwhile, Ron and Kelly's train arrives. On the ferry, Rob gets some bad news when he asks how many teams have already come over on the ferry -- the guy tells him there have been two, and they went through at 8:00 that morning. "Damn," Rob says. "They got a 6:00 AM flight somehow." Wow, an earlier flight? Just like your friend Kelly heard them say they had? How could you have anticipated that wacky possibility? Oy. Amber comments on the fact that they wrongly believed that they were in the lead the whole time. "Unbelievable," Rob adds. He would.
Commercials. That Dasani commercial with the guy in the dog suit is freaking me out.
When we return, Rob and Amber are still on that ferry, and they're still unhappy. Rob characterizes their falling behind as "a huge mistake." On the island, they scamper up to the clue box and get the clue telling them to look for a gnome. Rob isn't even sure what a gnome is, so he's lucky that Amber knows. And people say she doesn't do anything! They fetch themselves a gnome and hop back on the ferry. On the way back, Rob gets directions to the destination, and on shore, they take off. Ron and Kelly are just now catching their ferry, but they're hoping to catch up with Rob and Amber. Rob and Amber, however, are taking a ferry out ahead of Ron and Kelly, and Rob actually spots Ron and Kelly with a pair of binoculars, so he knows the score at this point. Ron and Kelly, meanwhile, get the gnome clue and find themselves one, and they take off. They get themselves a taxi.
Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the fortress, and they open a clue leading to a Roadblock that asks the question: "Is climbing your forte?" And yes, you can make an argument that that should be pronounced just like "fort," but my dictionary basically says both pronunciations are flawed based on the original French, so both are standard. Unless you are arguing with my father, who will tell you that the "fort" pronunciation is standard, and unless you want to be there all day, I suggest you agree with him. I didn't get this way by accident, people. Phil explains that in fact, the Forteblock requires you to "storm" the fortress by climbing a rope ladder up the side and landing on the top of the tower, where they'll find a key. Then, they'll rappel down the side of the tower and open one of a series of locked books containing a clue. The lead team ultimately decides that climbing is Uchenna's forte, so he takes the Forteblock for his team. Joyce is very glad not to be doing this particular Roadblock, but Uchenna seems to enjoy it. At the top of the rope ladder, Uchenna climbs a few stairs to the very top, and then he starts to look for the key, which apparently isn't too easy to spot.
Meredith and Gretchen are just now finding the man with the scales. They wander the streets, and she whines all, "Oh, God," as she is wont to do.
Finally, Uchenna spots the key hanging on a peg along the wall, and he declares himself ready for the rappel. He starts down the wall, and at the bottom, he unlocks the clue. The clue tells them to search the interior of the fortress and find an overlook where the pit stop is located. But first, you have to let your partner into the fortress. "Where's my princess?" Uchenna asks as he goes to the front entrance. He lets her in, and they run toward the pit stop. We move directly to the mat, where Phil and the greeter await. They are welcomed to Turkey, and they are told that they are team number one. Phil then asks them for their gnome, but they do not have the airplane gnome. He asks them whether they feel confident, and they report that they do. Hugs. Yay! Uchenna loves his awesome bald wife!
Meredith and Gretchen now have their scale, and she is still talking in that damn whiny voice that just drives me out of my bird. She's also walking around asking for "grande people," because as you know, Spanish is the official language of Turkey. They weigh people as happy music plays.
Rob and Amber grab a taxi to what will be the Detour clue box. Ron and Kelly are on their way there as well.
Back at the scales, Meredith and Gretchen are done at last, which is a relief to me, because I don't think I could listen to her yell at the crowd anymore. They get the clue to the fortress and get in their cab.
Rob and Amber are at the Detour clue, and they choose the scales. They seem to have a little trouble with directions, however, and wind up wandering. Ron and Kelly, meanwhile, are hunting for the Detour clue, but like Meredith and Gretchen, they head up the tower to the top, where they see no clue. At the top, they bicker over whose fault it is that they came up here in the first place, and that's just not too promising, really. Rob and Amber still are looking for the scales guy, and they finally get directions for what is claimed to be a one-kilometer walk to the spot they need, so they take off on foot.
From the top of the tower, Kelly and Ron see the clue box on the ground. They go back down, and Ron tells her he thinks they never should have gone up. "Well, then, say, 'No, Kelly, I think we should go outside.'" Oh, sure. Because she always reacts so positively when he makes suggestions. "What do you think I did?" Ron asks in disbelief. "You didn't say, 'I think we should go outside,'" she says. She is just unpleasant, and now I think she's being unpleasant for unpleasant's sake. She shoves the clue back at him, and he smiles in irritation, as guys like that sometimes do, and says, "Okay, I'll play this game by myself from now on." When they finally get to the Detour, they choose the Columns option. They get a taxi. She just does not look happy at all. In the cab, Ron frets that he thinks they're trailing by a bigger margin than before. You know what I think? I think he intentionally didn't find the clue in order to get out of his commitment to going to the Roadblock.
Meredith and Gretchen are on the way to the Forteblock, and Meredith is happily explaining that nobody has seen Rob and Amber or Ron and Kelly since they got to Turkey.
As Amber and Rob approach the scales, she's unhappy about the fact that they walked rather than getting a cab. It may, in fact, be Amber's first display of temper in the entire race. "What's up, buddy?" Rob asks the scales guy when they finally reach him, and they retrieve their scale. They start in weighing, and Rob is, in the tradition of Gretchen, yelling at the crowd. "This is not going to be a problem for us," he insists.
Elsewhere, Ron says to Kelly, "I'm not mad at you." "I'm not mad at you, either," she says. "I'm just mad about the whole thing." "We should've known better," he says. And I agree. Oh, wait -- he's talking about getting the clue. Yeah, they should've known better about that, too. And then they have the world's coldest smooch. You don't like each other! Break up! Break up! God. At any rate, they arrive at the Columns and head inside, where it's all lit in blue, like a disco. They hunt around for the columns they need, and I kind of can't follow what they're doing, but there's a lot of hunting around in which Ron seems to be doing most of the work. They then head over to pull something up out of the well.
Meredith and Gretchen arrive at the Forteblock, and I think they spot the rope ladder, because Gretchen immediately starts complaining about how bad it looks. But when they read the clue, she agrees to do the climb, which kind of surprised me. Meredith credits Gretchen's "determination" as she goes, but hopes she'll be all right. She immediately starts to find the climb very difficult, and -- not all that shockingly -- she complains.
Rob and Amber continue weighing people, and they're quickly done. They get the clue to the Forteblock, and they leave in a taxi.
Ron and Kelly work different combinations of numbers in their lock to try to open the box they pulled up from the bottom. Eventually, they get the lock open, and they get the clue sending them to the Forteblock.
Gretchen climbs and complains about how she doesn't have the energy, how her legs are killing her, how she's in "big trouble"...it's basically her usual.
Commercials. I cannot imagine anything lamer than a Honda belt buckle.
When we come back, Gretchen is still climbing. And she's still griping. Loudly. A lot. About how hard it is. Which I'm sure it is, but still. I've never heard anyone say that constantly narrating how much pain you're in can really help you endure a challenge of that kind. Finally, she gets to the top, which is a great relief to us all, because enough, and she moans as she is dragged up and over. She hunts for her key.
Rob and Amber, on the way to the Forteblock, hope they're still ahead of Ron and Kelly.
Gretchen looks for the key. In fact, she calls to the key, like a kitty. As usual, I root for her to finish what she's doing, because I find her pursuit of it kind of irritating. She finds the key, and then she immediately starts complaining about the rappel. "Oh, my God, I have to rappel down this," she moans. Yeesh. She moans, she gripes, but she finally gives a "whoopee!" on the way down that comes as a great relief. She unlocks the clue. She lets Meredith into the fortress. "If you're not a sight for sore eyes," he says, and that's pretty cute. When they reach Phil, he tells them they're team number two. Phil checks their gnome, but it doesn't have the plane, so there is no prize for them. Gretchen voices over that they've been hanging on because other teams have made mistakes, and this leg is exactly like that, because if Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly had gotten the same flight she did or Rob hadn't tipped her off and made them pursue an earlier flight, she and Meredith totally would have been last just based on the execution of the tasks, given that they couldn't find the clue for the Detour and took forever to do the Roadblock. Oh, wait. She doesn't say that. Actually, she says this leg was different and they did it on their own. Which, considering they didn't even get the earlier flight themselves, is rather a stretch. But, good for them. I understand their enthusiasm, even if I think they've gotten outrageously lucky and are here basically for that reason. When your luck is somebody else's screw-up, you deserve to finish the leg ahead of them, so it's a perfectly legitimate placement; it's just funny that she would draw a distinction that specifically doesn't apply.
Rob and Amber hop out at the Forteblock, and Rob takes it. He starts up and gets to the top pretty quickly. Ron and Kelly are arriving, and then they're meeting up with Amber as she waits for Rob. Amber is not happy to see them. "Hopefully, they dropped their gnome somewhere," she says halfheartedly. Heh. Rob runs around the top of the tower, hunting for the key, and Ron starts up the ladder for his team. "Catch up with Rob, babe," Kelly encourages. At the top, Rob gets his key and starts down the rappel. Kelly and Amber enjoy an unpleasant reunion down on the ground by the front entrance, waiting for their boys to arrive. Everyone in the room where I was watching this: "Um, awkward."
Rob rappels down to the bottom as Ron runs up to the top. When Ron reaches the top, he has trouble spotting the key. Rob also has a little trouble getting the lock open, but he gets it after a couple of tries. He lets Amber in, and they head for the pit stop, as an unhappy Kelly waits for Ron. "We just barely escaped," Rob tells Amber as they run toward the mat. Up at the top of the tower, Ron sees Rob and Amber running (so it appears), and he knows he's too late. And he still doesn't have that key.
Rob and Amber hit the mat. Phil welcomes them in third place, and Phil points out that you can actually see Ron standing up at the top of the tower, key-less and staring. Rob and Amber turn in their gnome, and it doesn't have an airplane on the bottom. You know, between this and the fact that they didn't win the giant wads of cash or the cars, whoever is running the conspiracy to give them all the prizes is doing a really bad job! Rob voices over that they "made a stupid mistake today" and missed the flight, so leg, they won't repeat that mistake.
Ron finishes up and heads down to the bottom of the tower. He unlocks the clue and lets Kelly in, and they go to the mat. Welcome, Ron and Kelly. You're last. And you suck. And you should break up. But you're not Philiminated, because it is (of course) a non-elimination. Phil does, however, strip them of all their money and their stuff. The good news is that they have come up with the magic gnome, meaning that they are receiving $20,000 to spend on Travelocity, as well as an opportunity to spend the pit stop time at a suite at the Four Seasons Hotel, where they can look online for travel deals. Or porn! They could sort of use a shot of both, inspiration-wise. Kelly interviews that she's concerned about "the relationship side," but they both vow to keep after it and try to stay in the race. It hurts to watch them, sort of.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Uchenna and Joyce help Meredith and Gretchen, and nobody does well with the Roadblock at all. Even Uchenna and Joyce seem to be yelling at each other, which is kind of shocking.