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It's time to go to India again, and you know what that means. Harrowing driving! A Roadblock of the needle-in-a-haystack variety requires patience and an orderly approach and, in Gretchen's case, a lot of head-scratching and spinning around. Oh, and there's a Yield, but no one uses it. The Detour entices all five teams to take on the task of serving tea to a collection of Indian bureaucrats (really!), and chaos ensues. Meredith and Gretchen fall behind by a large margin in a short time and trail all day, leaving us all to speculate about whether they're about to lose the cute little backpack that Gretchen just bought. But, wonder of wonders, when Rob and Amber finish the leg first (again), they learn from Phil that there's no greeter and no pit stop -- they just get another clue and keep going. To Be Continued! Sigh. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Bye Bye, Loves: The teams raced through Botswana, where Uchenna and Joyce continued to demonstrate that their marital-difficulties "hook" was, in all likelihood, a complete fraud. A milking Detour option tested the pastoral, as well as comedy, skills of a number of teams, with Lynn taking the prize for Most Failed Attempts At A Goat-Teat Joke. It was also Mutual of Whoa!-maha's Wild Kingdom Week as everyone got accustomed to driving down the road and being interrupted by four-cow pileups and jackknifed giraffes. Lynn and Alex continued work on their upcoming book, 400 Ways To Kill A Supposedly Indestructible Botswanan SUV. Kelly read several chapters of He's Just Not That Into The Bible and became concerned enough to gently and lovingly point out to Ron, in the spirit of "love one another as I have loved you" and so forth, that he was "a piece of trash redneck." A couple of teams had problems following directions, but none of them were nearly serious enough to save the adorable fannies of Brian and Greg, who showed up at the pit stop scantily clad, but were Philiminated anyway. Phil is no fun. I would have enjoyed people trying to figure out how to get into sacred sites in swim trunks. Now, we're down to the final five in this, the seventh episode. Who will be eliminated , and how on earth will they drag it out for another month until the finale?
Credits. Meet! The! Teams! The ones that haunt! Your! Dreams! Oh...never mind. We're not doing that anymore. You know, sometimes I long for all that I've left behind at Ye Olde Gimmicke Shoppe. I mean, Lord knows you can't keep going, "Sock it to me!" forever, but still. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I cannot tell you how much I despise these commercials where the athletes turn into crumbling rock. If I wanted to see creepy footage of people's bodies disintegrating to the point where they are no longer recognizable as human forms, I'd be watching Extreme Makeover, now, wouldn't I?
Music that is mellow but drum-heavy welcomes us back to Botswana, where a wide variety of animals are trying to forget the presence of the cameras and act natural. We find Phil at Khwai Village, where most of the time, the locals are left in peace. Not right now, obviously. And at Khwai River Lodge, we find our pit stop. We revisit old footage of the teams arriving yesterday, as Phil sets out to refresh our memories regarding where we left off. Phil refers to the "increasing tension" between Ron and Kelly as we watch them eat. He also wonders whether Meredith and Gretchen can keep on keeping on, in spite of the fact that if they have one more bad finish, they will be restricted to riding in remote-controlled cars and paying for everything in counterfeit money from a Branson, Missouri souvenir shop with Mel Tillis's face on it.
12:45 AM. Here go Rob and Amber. In the lead. Again. The clue instructs them to fly to Lucknow, India, but it's not going to be a simple process. Phil explains that this 5,000-mile trip will end at a religious palace, and that in keeping with the weird way this season has been planned, they've been assigned tickets to Mumbai, and only have to book their own tickets from Mumbai to Lucknow. And before that, they'll have to sign up for a charter flight to Francistown, Botswana that will depart in the morning. Rob and Amber seem fascinated but wary about the prospect of going to India, which is probably about right if they've seen the show before. They note that they've been given $125 for the leg. As they head for the signup sheet for the charter, Rob voices over that with five teams left, it will start to get more difficult. "You've got five teams left now, and they're all really strong teams. One little mistake could be the end of you." And he needs to stop channeling Ralph Macchio with that bandana tied around his head, but it's good to see him showing flashes of humility. They sign up for the morning charter.
12:46 AM. Ron and Kelly. As they leave the mat, Ron says that they've sat down and talked over their increased tendency to bicker, and that they're working to make things "more smooth." Kelly points out that all couples have "little spats" -- and really, who hasn't excoriated her boyfriend over imagined profane tirades at some point or another? -- and says that they both need to "work on communicating better." Because it's not really mean to call your boyfriend a piece of trash; it's vague. Better communication, Kelly! Use your words!
2:08 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. They are predictably happy at the thought of going to India, and off the mat, he comments quite correctly that they've "found a groove" where they're working well together. They sign up for the charter, and then as they head out, she lightly comments, "Walkin' in the rain with the one I love." "That's nice to hear you say that," he says appreciatively. Damn. Yeah, they definitely need to work on that relationship. You have to pity them, really. It's a wonder they're still together.
3:00 AM. Lynn and Alex. Lynn says, "I think this race is bringing Alex and I [sic] much closer together." Lynn chalks it up to the shared "adversity," by which he means "Rob and Amber." Who are such horrible people! Horrible! In an interview, Alex preens, "We're always shocked at how good we can do as a couple." Lynn fake-tosses his thinning non-hair and says, "We are so amazing!" The thing is, you can really only earn that joke by not acting every minute of every day as if you are, in fact, more awesome than everyone else there. When we know you mean it, that isn't funny. It's just...kind of embarrassing.
3:45 AM. Meredith and Gretchen. She sounds happy about India, which we can hope has no caves for her to fall down. She interviews that they never figured they'd make the top five, and at this point, she can only compare the competition to "ferocious lions." But then it turns into a metaphor about backstabbing, which...I'm not sure lions defeat you through trickery and manipulation so much as through bloodlust and pouncing, but she did, after all, hit her head recently. So we'll let it go, just this once. They sign up for the charter. Meredith notes that all the teams are on the same charter (making the whole exercise a bit stupid), and dryly adds, "Now, we don't want to break a hip." Snerk. Senior racers are allocated a very limited supply of broken-hip jokes; it's nice to see one used well.
Morning comes, and the teams pile onto their little plane. Gretchen notes that their "bags are already on," and it's hard not to be reminded that when Gretchen says "bags," she means bags, as in "bags, comma, Hefty" rather than "bags, comma, checked." The teeny-weeny plane takes off, and Lynn explains that it was "an amazing experience." Uchenna, too, is impressed with this "postcard" view of Africa. The Amazing Map demonstrates the Amazing Rigmarole, in that all the teams are headed for Francistown, and then will take their assigned flight to Mumbai and then get to Lucknow in whatever way they deem appropriate.
Rob and Amber are first off the plane, and they can't help noting that the Francistown Airport is not exactly O'Hare, in terms of scale. I'm thinking there's no Laptop Lane. The teams head inside to pick up their Mumbai tickets and the woman tells them to give her an hour or so to get that done. The teams initially scatter obediently. Outside, Alex procures a cell phone from a woman (you'll notice he does most of the third-party contact, since talking directly to Lynn would cause people to...well, not want to help them), and he calls to start working on the tickets from Mumbai to Lucknow. He gets in touch with a travel agent. Inside, Rob and Ron are talking to the ticket lady when she tells them that she's finished with the Mumbai tickets. Rob asks her to put the finalizing of that aside for a second and see if she can work on their Lucknow tickets. He tells her he wants to take a look at flights while the other teams are gone. Outside, Alex is still working the phone, and Lynn is starting to whisper to the other teams about why Rob is inside with the ticket lady, looking at the computer. Someone on the phone tells Alex that there's a way to get to Lucknow with a stop in Delhi, landing in Lucknow ultimately at 9:35 in the morning. He asks to book tickets for himself and Alex, Meredith and Gretchen, and Uchenna and Joyce.
Inside, Rob and Ron get word of the flight Alex just learned about, but also learn of a flight that lands in Lucknow five minutes earlier -- at 9:30 AM. They have the ticket lady get them tickets on that earlier flight, and ask her to do it before the other teams get back. Outside, on the phone, Alex thanks his travel agent. Alex and Lynn congratulate themselves for being so awesome as to get Meredith and Gretchen and Uchenna and Joyce on what is, in fact, the inferior flight. Way to take care of your friends, fellas. And then, as they are outside the airport, Lynn says to Alex, "Tell her [the cell phone lady] not to help any other teams." And they go over, and that's just what they do. "We don't want them to use your phone," Lynn tells her.
So they're total hypocrites, because what they just did is not only exactly what Rob is about to do inside, but it is even more exactly what they have been bitching that he did in the bus station, which they treated like something akin to a war crime. It's completely fascinating to me, this peculiar type of self-delusion, and maybe the reason why I like Rob and Amber is that while they can get up to the same nonsense on rare occasions, their quotient of it seems to be far lower, because they've seen themselves burned by their own comments on television before. It just thrilled me to no end to see Lynn do that, because it ended forever any possibility that he will ever be able to play that card with any credibility, ever again, for the rest of his life. And rightly so. So shut up and run your race, dude, because your "horrible, horrible people" argument is finis, and every time you try to play it, you will only look worse. Oh, and it's even better when Alex says, with great self-satisfaction, "That's how you play the game." Unless you're Rob, in which case it's how you go to hell, I guess. I certainly do get disoriented at Lynn and Alex's Morality Emporium. I think it's all the funhouse mirrors.
Inside, the woman asks Rob what she should do if the other teams come and want to make the same booking. Specifically asked for a response, he tells her to tell them no. You can hear one of the women laugh a little bit, and the ticket lady gives this awesome, dubious look. Rob tells her to tell them she can't do it right now, and then he says, "If they say 'why not?', just point to me." Hee. The woman cracks up. "And don't worry about it!" he adds. Ron laughs. "I'll smile right at 'em," Rob says. Because as has been said before, with rare exceptions, Rob plays reality shows just like he plays Monopoly, and unless you screw with him, he's not mad at you -- he just wants to beat you. And then he grins, which I try very, very hard not to think is adorable. And then he goes out and calls the other teams inside to round up their tickets to Mumbai. Inside, Lynn conspiratorially reveals to Meredith that he, lucky man that he is, has been procured a spot on the inferior flight. "God bless you," Meredith says. Meredith asks Lynn why Lynn is doing this for them, and Lynn says it's because they want to be in the finals with Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen, and if it takes getting them tickets on the second-best flight available, then dammit, that's what they're going to do.
Outside, Ron muses to Kelly that their hanging around with Rob and Amber will "make [them] a target." He comments on how "manipulative" Rob and Amber are, and...as far as that goes, I kind of wish he'd either shut up about it or stop benefiting from it. It's not too becoming to be profiting from a phenomenon while you morally condemn it for the benefit of the people watching you back home, which I sort of think is what he's doing. He tells Kelly he thinks they should stop talking to Rob and Amber. "At the same time, you have to keep your enemies closer," she says, and I really can't think it's an accident that she says this during literally the first time in the entire race that she and Ron have appeared couple-like, sort of leaning against each other as they sit on a stone bench. In fact, one could say she almost purrs that "keep your enemies closer" line as she reaches back like she's going to paw her boyfriend's leg, and then doesn't at the last minute. It's an interesting relationship philosophy, certainly.
In an interview, Rob says that the relationship he has with Ron and Kelly is of "mutual respect and friendship." Interestingly, aside from Ron calling them "manipulative," which may or may not even be an insult, there's nothing they said in that conversation that makes this not the case, despite how it's being made to appear. Ron and Kelly seem to be worrying about the PR implications more than anything. Rob does confirm, however, once again, that he and Amber are "in this to win it." In case you wondered, and were thinking that additional confirmatory interview footage would help.
As Ron and Kelly stand silhouetted on the tarmac later, Ron voices over that they're "minimizing the tension" in their relationship. I think the reduction in their sheer quantity of name-calling is probably helping in that area. Kelly, in a rare insightful moment, points out that when they weren't playing very well, they had a lot more friends, but now that they're seen as a lead team, they seem to be on a lot more people's hate lists. Funny how that works. Amber concurs that she and Rob and Ron and Kelly have been emerging as "front-runners," and it's affecting how much the other teams want to hang with them. The teams all board their flight to Mumbai.
In Mumbai, at 3:00 in the morning, Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber are heading for their Lucknow flight, and Rob mentions that they have about five minutes to get there. They do indeed make the flight, and they head out first. Back at the airport, Lynn admits that he and Alex just really don't know where the other teams might be. Uchenna admits that Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber may have figured out something he and his buddies didn't. Lynn says, rather awesomely, "We feel confident that we're going to at least get to where we need to go." Think positive, my friend. Think positive. It does seem likely that you won't, like, end up in France. So indeed, there's that. And then, weirdly, Uchenna says, "There hasn't been any sharing," a little indignantly, like there should be sharing. Why would there be sharing? It's a contest, right? I mean, you're still allowed to play it according to its basic essence, aren't you? And the basic essence of the show indicates that all sharing is self-interested. If anything, you should take sharing as a bit of an insult, because it usually means (as it does here) that teams think you represent less of a threat, and therefore they'd rather compete against you later than against the teams with whom they're not "sharing." Lynn tells us that he just hopes to get there before Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber. Well, a guy can always hope.
And now, Gretchen's Adventures In Shopping. She's got a little time before their flight leaves, and she's decided that it's time to get herself a little backpack to start to carry the stuff she's accumulating. You can only travel with trash bags for so long. She goes to a little shop and checks out a pale blue backpack, but she declares it too expensive. The other ones, too. She finds another place and inquires about a "senior citizens' discount." The guy laughs, but she does wind up with a smart little blue-and-white backpack. "Don't you look snazzy," Meredith comments, and she laps it up. Heh. It's true what they say, that when you are stripped of your toothpaste and travel Yahtzee, you learn what truly binds you to your beloved.
The three trailing teams get on their flight. And proudly! Because they have stuck together, and now they are tied for...third place! The Amazing Map explains that everyone is now on their way to Lucknow via Delhi, and when they get to Lucknow, they'll head for the palace where their clue is located.
We move to Lucknow, where there are both bicycles and elephants, which is awesome. The first flight lands at 9:44 AM, and the teams go in search of a taxi. Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly are directed to a booth for prepaid taxis, and they...prepay, as directed. Both teams head out and get in cabs, with Ron and Kelly apparently getting out a bit ahead. "Very fast," Ron says in the cab. "Mow 'em down like grass." Heh. If he were completely spazzing out and accompanied by someone also completely spazzing out, he would be Christie. In the cab, Ron says, "The only thing I could equate this to, is this is kinda like when everyone was tryin' to get the heck outta Baghdad. Because it's bein' bombed." I'm glad they added that clarifying comment, because I thought it might have been the skyrocketing real estate prices. By the way, did you know Ron was a POW? Did you know things sometimes remind him of Baghdad? Because sometimes, things do. Their driver then pulls into a gas station, and they start complaining. As some of the EEFPs pointed out, it's hard to know what they want the driver to do if he's low on gas. Keep going until he runs out? Make some along the way? If he's out, he's out, people, and yelling at him probably won't make him fill the tank any faster. At any rate, the Rob and Amber cab does not need gas, and once Ron and Kelly get going again, they realize they've been passed and lament their bad luck. I'm always amazed how teams will think to ask the driver whether he knows where he's going, but not think to ask how much gas he's got. It might at least be worth the question, even if the answer weren't entirely reliable.
At 9:52 AM, the second flight lands. The teams look for cabs. Uchenna and Joyce got advice on the plane to head for the prepaid taxis, and Gretchen finds her way to the booth as well, only to hear the bad news that two teams have already been through. Apparently, there is an inside part of the taxi office and an outside part, and Uchenna and Joyce get better service because they stay on the inside part, while the other two teams go out and get hung up at the outside part -- as Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly did, incidentally. Lynn tries to negotiate the fare in "ruples," the apparent currency of Isn't-India-Kind-Of-Russian-ylvania, and he winds up with a worse fare than Uchenna lands inside, as well. Uchenna and Joyce are the first of these three teams to get out, and the other two seem to now be in some kind of smackdown with a bunch of Lucknowvian taxi drivers.
Commercials. Oh, dirty children. What a menace you are.
At the Lucknow airport, the last two teams finally make their way out of the chaos and into taxis. Now-traditional Traffic Is Harrowing In India footage follows, and Phil notes that all teams are headed for Bara Imambara Palace, where they'll find a clue box. In the Rob and Amber cab, they are just arriving. They head for the entrance, and Amber puts a scarf on her head, as she is apparently asked to do. Rob ties one on as well, right over his Sox cap. Heh. In an interview, Rob says, "It's custom, you know, and we're all about the customs." Double-heh. I am told that in fact, for the guy to tie the scarf over his baseball cap is not in fact all that much of a "custom," but at least he's trying. As they take in the palace, Rob comments, "Some guy built this for his girlfriend." There has been much talk about the possibility that he specifically confused it with the Taj Mahal, but that's not my sense. My sense is that he's sort of speculating, in the "I bet some guy built this for his girlfriend" sense, which is probably based on the legends surrounding the Taj Mahal, but I don't think Rob specifically thinks this is the Taj Mahal, or is specifically relating that story to this palace. I think the comment is more, "This is the kind of place you later find out some guy built for his girlfriend." Which, if you consider great monuments of the world, isn't the worst theory you could come up with. "Or for himself," Amber counters, which...heh, that's not a bad theory, either. "Imagine if I built you a place," he says. "It'd look twice as nice." Aw.
Ron and Kelly come to the entrance, and when Ron puts on a pale blue scarf, Kelly actually...makes him put on a dark blue one? Like the pale one is too girly? She really does have an interesting set of priorities, including an apparent worry that miscellaneous people in a foreign country, none of whom she will ever see again, will think her ex-POW boyfriend is a puss. Very, very weird sequence there. If nothing else, she should have been self-aware enough to see how dopey that was going to come off. They note how beautiful the palace is, and how different it is from the chaos in the city.
Speaking of which, Uchenna and Joyce are in their cab, in the middle of said chaos, and Uchenna can't help noticing that the people he sees out and about are all men. "The women are not playing a big role in the program, here." Hmm, interesting. Lynn, on the other hand, claims that he enjoys the traffic, and Gretchen is fascinated by the variety of motorized and non-motorized vehicles with which she finds herself sharing the road. It does appear that vehicles making use of many combinations of wheels and legs are represented. If you were ever going to see a gas-powered unicycle with a sidecar pulling a horse trailer, you would find it in the streets of India.
Rob and Amber, then Ron and Kelly, approach the clue box. Rob and Amber find it, and they rip the clue. The clue tells them to travel "by horse-drawn tonga" to a steel emporium three miles away, where they'll find another clue. The clue also mentions, "Caution: Yield Ahead." So that will be distracting and probably inconsequential for the little while here. As they leave, they run into Ron and Kelly, and point them generally toward the clue. Ron and Kelly read the clue and take off. Ron mentions that it's always possible that Rob and Amber could Yield them, so they're going to try to hit the box first. Rob, on the other hand, reciprocates that he wants to hit the box before Ron and Kelly, "'cause if they're any type of players at all, they'd Yield us." They find themselves a tonga and hop in. Elsewhere, in the Ron and Kelly tonga, they express both their fear of being Yielded and their hope that they won't be. Kelly speculates that if given the chance, Rob and Amber will Yield Lynn and Alex and not her and Ron.
Uchenna and Joyce get to the palace, and she puts on her scarf. They head inside and get the clue. Lynn and Alex are close behind. Lynn, as Uchenna apparently did, checks that it's okay that he's just wearing a ball cap, and he and Alex head in. Meredith and Gretchen arrive and do the same. Gretchen notes that there are quite a few poor people hanging around, and she wishes she had some money to give them. Give them the orange! Oh, that's right. Phil took her orange. That bastard! And he took the calculator. What will she give to the poor? Uchenna and Joyce run into the other two trailing teams (also known as the I Got My Flight Booked By Lynn And Alex Posse) on the way away from the clue box, and all greetings are friendly. Lynn and Alex and Meredith and Gretchen find the clue, and everyone's on the way. In their tonga, Alex tells Lynn, "I just hope Amber and Rob don't Yield us!" Eh. For all his talk, I don't think Rob cares enough to do it out of spite, and it would be a dumb time for it, strategically. But here's the Yield mat, in any event, and Phil takes this opportunity to explain how this is the second of three Yield opportunities, you can only use it once, blah dee blah.
At the Yield mat, the first to arrive are Ron and Kelly, with Rob and Amber right on their heels, to the point where the teams have a conversation about whether to use it. As Ron and Kelly stand on the mat, Rob says he thinks they shouldn't waste it on what may well be non-elimination, which is basically good advice, despite the fact that Rob is saying it in the ass-covering, and not the helpful, sense. Ron and Kelly do indeed pass up the opportunity to Yield, and then Rob interviews that if they'd been reversed, he'd probably have Yielded them. Which I hope isn't true, because that would be kind of dumb. I can't imagine what that would be likely to accomplish. "Luckily, they're not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree," he finishes. Friendship and mutual respect, people. Everybody's doing it. At any rate, both Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly ultimately pass up their opportunities to use the Yield. The clue to which they default reveals a Roadblock, which Phil explains. The Roadblocker here has to search through about 600 tin boxes of all different sizes -- they're kind of like trunks, from large-shoebox size to large-suitcase size -- looking for a clue. And there are only ten that have clues in them, so it could be a while with the looking. The clue reads, "Who has a lot of patience?" Kelly immediately agrees to do it, and Ron rather awesomely says, "It's not you, really, but it has to be you for this." Hee. ["I'm telling you! Ron has potential! Okay, he probably compares putting ketchup on his fries to bombing Baghdad, but I can let that go. Free Ron!" -- Sars] Over at Rob and Amber, she reads the clue as follows: "Who has a lot of patience I have to do it." Hee hee. Know your strengths and weaknesses; that's the key, right?
Inside, Amber and Kelly search steel boxes for clues. Kelly asks Amber to alert her if she sees one, and offers to do the same, which -- what good will that do? Dumb. Amber agrees, but you can tell she also thinks it's dumb.
Uchenna and Joyce and Lynn and Alex are now tied on their way to the Boxblock. Meredith and Gretchen's tonga guy, on the other hand, appears a trifle confused. It's because Phil took Gretchen's compass!
At the steel emporium, Kelly and Amber are still hunting. You'll note that Amber appears to be opening and moving boxes as fast as she can, while Kelly is being decidedly pokey. And then Amber finds one and calls out. Kelly asks if all the clues seem to be together, and Amber says no. She runs out and meets up with Rob, and they open the clue. It tells them to take a cycle rickshaw to Aishbagh, where they'll find a gas station and another clue. They get on their way. Back at the Boxblock, Kelly finds a clue as well. She and Ron find a rickshaw and go, and Kelly insists that "Rob and Amber always fall on everything." Well, she was hauling a little more ass than you, sweetheart. I'll grant you there's luck in that one, but there's orderliness and speed as well, and I think Amber also moved pretty efficiently so as to maximize her chances to get lucky, if you see my point. Ron also talks about their "unbelievable luck," and says he should have Yielded them. In his rickshaw, Rob agrees that not Yielding him and Amber was "their mistake." Eh. I don't know that it would have done anything in this particular case.
Uchenna and Joyce get to the Yield, choose to Yield no one, and open the Boxblock. Uchenna takes it.
Meanwhile, at the Yield mat, Alex is flabbergasted. "Rob and Amber didn't Yield us? I have no idea why!" he says. Well...because you're in fourth place out of five teams, and you don't currently represent much of a threat? It's just a thought. I mean, the clip show reveals that Rob at least felt threatened by them at some point and considered Yielding them, but I'm not sure when that was, and it doesn't seem like right now, Lynn and Alex are a huge concern for Rob and Amber. At any rate, Lynn and Alex don't Yield anyone, sort of as an afterthought, despite the fact that second-to-last place is exactly when you should consider it, but...whatever. Alex is assigned the Boxblock by Lynn, essentially, and he heads in to do it. At first, Alex seems to be shaking boxes, which I'm not sure will work to find a paper envelope taped to the bottom. Look, Alex, look!
Gretchen and Meredith arrive at the Yield mat, and just then, Alex does a very cute little dance when he finally finds a clue. It's like a touchdown dance, but on speed, and with a bigger dose of prancing. He and Lynn head out, and Uchenna is still looking as Gretchen takes the Boxblock for her team and gets started. As she's looking, Uchenna finds himself a clue. As Uchenna emerges, Gretchen is already panicking, apparently feeling like she just has no idea how to deal with the scope of the task. Uchenna helps push the rickshaw along, Fred-Flintstone-style, as he and Joyce leave. Back at the Boxblock, Gretchen is...still looking. Fortunately, what she lacks in speed, she's making up for in abject defeatism. "I could be in here for a week," she declares. She seems to feel, for one thing, that there are some stacked boxes that are too high for her to reach. Meredith urges her on. She isn't apparently applying any method to her search, which is a huge mistake, and then...she goes out and gets a hug from Meredith. Which is lovely, but not so race-like. "Don't give up, honey!" Meredith calls. I feel for her, but...she also really didn't approach that the right way, it didn't look like.
Commercials. If you hate the part of pizza delivery where it's already cooked, you should definitely stop at Papa Murphy's instead. I do not get the business model.
Boxblock. Meredith is encouraging Gretchen to look at a particular stack of boxes, but she insists she's done those already. "I don't know what to do," she whimpers. Meredith cheers for her, because, of course...he doesn't know what to do either. At last, she opens up a box and finds a clue. "Oh, my gosh!" she says. She heads out with the clue, and Meredith cheers for her and gives her a chuckling kiss, which is really sweet. "All right, open 'er up," he says on the topic of the clue, and she does. They meet up with a gentleman who offers to help find them a rickshaw to get to Aishbagh. Not only that, but once they're on their way, the guy tells them that he's going to come with them. Out of the kindness of his heart. Nothing to do with the cameras! Nothing at all!
Rob and Amber make their way through the streets, followed by Ron and Kelly. When they get to where they're going, they find their way to the gas station, and are essentially together when they pluck the clue. The clue is a Detour, and the choices are Solid and Liquid. In Solid, you go a mile to a coal depot, and you smash coal into pieces until you have 175 pounds of it, at which point you deliver it on a flatbed tricycle four blocks to a store. Phil claims this is the task that could go well if you have "muscle." Or black lung. In Liquid, you go three miles to a tea shop, and you take a tea cart and push it 100 yards to a three-story office building. Then, you search for five employees in the building from a list of ten, and you serve each of those a cup of tea, for which they'll give you back a business card. You turn in your business cards at the end, and you're done. As Phil explains that this task "doesn't require strength," he is backed by a large crowd of youngish Indian men, all of whom appear to be members of the I Want To Be Phil Club Of India. I've never seen Phil sporting a posse quite like that. They were kind of like the Jets. The only thing that would have made that more awesome would have been if they had started snapping.
Rob and Amber pick the tea. Ron and Kelly do, too. Ron just thinks it sounds "a lot easier than breaking coal." Yeah, I think the unpredictability of what exactly it would be like to actually try to break up coal is part of what's involved here. I think they're just not sure how that would go. No coal miners in the group, apparently. Besides, Ron broke up enough coal when he was in Baghdad. Rob and Amber immediately hop back into the bicycle rickshaw, but Kelly is convinced that three miles is too far to go in one of those, and she wants to get a taxi instead. This in spite of the fact that the taxis are moving so slowly that it seriously doesn't look like it will be faster. It would appear that Lucknow is the Manhattan of India, taxi-traffic-wise. When Ron presses to at least get going in the right direction, Kelly does my least favorite thing of all, which is, "I disagree with that, Ron, but I'll go and do it, but I'll make it known, I disagree with it, and we can get in a taxi in three minutes." There you have it: a speech with no purpose but to set up an argument and bitch session later if it takes a long time to get there in the rickshaw. Ron isn't impressed and is like, "Great, fine, let's go." Heh. It's hard when your manipulation is met with indifference. Kelly continues complaining that it's a "bad idea."
I am not lying when I tell you that in his bicycle rickshaw, Lynn announces, "Oh, I love to wave at the people; I wish I had things to throw at them." I presume he means flowers or something, and not bricks or watermelons. Meaning he's just being insulting and patronizing, rather than, you know, violent. But can you believe that? That's your attitude in someone else's country? You envision yourself throwing something to the adoring crowds? Absolutely unbelievable, and that's why he's not nice to locals. I think that attitude totally comes through. And then they throw in Alex saying, "Ow, my butt hurts," which isn't as mischievously funny as whoever included it thinks it is. It really isn't.
Uchenna and Joyce are on their way to the gas station as well.
Lynn and Alex hit the Detour and choose the tea. They bicker over the taxi/rickshaw dilemma also. It's probably Rob and Amber's fault. When Uchenna and Joyce show up, they too take the tea, but they get back in their rickshaw immediately, because for whatever reason, they are not as devoted to fighting as a strategy as are Lynn and Alex and Ron and Kelly. And by the way, Uchenna is reaching forward with his feet to pedal the rickshaw. Because he is awesome in those small ways. Lynn and Alex are passed up while they're arguing over getting back in the rickshaw.
There's a very funny scene where Meredith and Gretchen are heading toward the Detour, accompanied by their new Fern, who is riding in the rickshaw to them. Gretchen pats him on the arm and says, "It's so nice of you to do this for us." "It's my pleasure, ma'am," he says. "What?" Gretchen asks. "It's my pleasure," he repeats. But she can't understand him at all, so she says, "Yes, thank you." Hee. She did it just right, even though, seriously, she had absolutely no idea what he said there, I guarantee you. It's all you can do. You just hope he didn't say, "Your face looks like raw hamburger, no offense." Their Fern even helps direct them to the gas station, ultimately.
Rob and Amber arrive at the tea shop. They take their cart and push it toward the office building. Ron and Kelly do the same. They park the carts outside the office building where all the tea recipients will allegedly be found. Rob and Amber set out to look for the Accounts Department, determined to take it "one cup at a time." They go inside, asking the guys standing around where Accounting is located. Not finding much direction from those guys, they head inside. The first guy they ask for his business card acts like he has no idea what they're talking about. They ask what department they're in, and they learn that it's the Audit Department. They ask where Accounts is, and they're told it's upstairs. Off they go. They find the Property section, and Rob decides to start just asking folks whether they know anyone on his list. He gets a lot of heads shaking. Nobody seems to have a business card. "This is going to be tough," he mentions. But then they do find their way to one gentleman who gives them a business card, and he is on their list. "This is him," Rob says, trying hard to be polite while being in a huge hurry. "Please give him the tea." Amber does. One down, four to go.
Ron and Kelly are arriving, and Amber lets on that they've found one person so far. Inside, the two teams realize that they don't have the same list, so it won't do to follow each other, necessarily. Furthermore, Rob notes to Amber that he doesn't really want Ron and Kelly to do this entirely by following.
"Accounting," Rob says as he walks with another cup of tea. "This way!" a guy calls out, stepping forward. "Thank you!" Rob calls out. "You're welcome!" the guy calls back. "You speak English?" Rob says as he passes. "Come with me, come with me." The guy falls in beside him. At the room they hit, they find a guy on their list. "Yes!" Rob says. "Cup of tea, for him." Heh. They thank the guy and move on. Elsewhere, Ron and Kelly finish their first delivery. Uchenna and Joyce, meanwhile, are just arriving at the tea shop and picking up their cart. Lynn and Alex are close behind, and soon both of these teams are on their way to the office to bother people who are trying to work.
As Gretchen and Meredith make their way through the streets, a woman comes up to Gretchen and asks for her autograph. It's a fairly simple equation, I suspect: Cameras + American = Famous! They give an autograph, and their guy explains, "It's because we're happy to see you." Heh. They arrive at the gas station at last, still with their Fern. And I believe as a result of the teams coming through earlier and there being a big lag between the last group and this team, there is a huge crowd gathered, waiting for them to arrive. I suspect there was some sort of a "there's one team left to arrive; hang around and wait for them" vibe that the crowd was aware of, which is why there's such excitement. Or else, as multiple EEFPs suggested, they really did think Meredith was Larry David. At any rate, the crowd cheers effusively, and Meredith and Gretchen soak it up, waving and greeting the giant throng. They open the Detour clue, and noting that 175 pounds is a lot of coal, they go with the Liquid. Yeah, probably. I think "old people shoveling coal" is not a recipe for warm-hearted television. As she walks, Gretchen notes all the people waiting to see her. Another guy asks Meredith for an autograph, and Meredith trades it for help finding a rickshaw. Heh. That's a player.
Rob and Amber find a bunch of people who aren't on their list, but then they find the third who is. Ron and Kelly deliver successfully. Uchenna and Joyce get to the office and start asking around what department they're in. They manage to track down their first person without, it seems, too much difficulty. Lynn and Alex arrive, and they pour the tea, but inside, they're not sure how to find what they're looking for. They seem to have no touch with the locals at all, or else they wind up in the wrong place, because no one seems to have any idea where any of the people on the list can be found.
Commercials. I still hate that Dove ad, just by association.
Alex and Lynn finally get someone to direct them to the Education Department, which is apparently upstairs. As they walk up, Lynn talks about "step aerobics," blah blah, because he's all about the quippety-quips, and then they find their first guy and deliver his tea. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber find the Law Department and ask for somebody named, I believe, "Asharfi." Through what I suspect is a misunderstanding, the guy Rob greeted turns out not to be the actual guy, and it takes a minute to straighten out who's who. Rob sort of winds up barking at the guys, but the actual Asharfi is smiling the whole time, so I don't think they're that horrified. I think this is all going down a bit like a game of capture-the-flag that the entire building is basically in on, so it didn't read to me like actual tension. And also, on his way out the door, Rob says, "Thanks, buddy. Don't try to pull a fast one like that again." Heh. Although he is probably too loud for the room. As they leave, they find their Fern again, and Rob says, "I need your help more; we're going down the street now." He does have a certain "if I don't ask you, you can't say no" approach to the Fern-finding. As I suspect he does to many things in life.
Ron and Kelly deliver their last cup of tea. They are very close to Rob and Amber as both teams start back toward the tea shop with their carts. Uchenna and Joyce and Lynn and Alex are looking for more folks. Uchenna and Joyce find their third; Lynn and Alex find their second. Meredith and Gretchen? They're still looking for the office. Oy. At least they're enjoying the trappings of fame, such as they are.
Rob and Amber find their way back to the tea shop, they return their cart and cards, and they get their clue. Ron and Kelly then do the same. "Make your way to Phil and the mat," the clue reads. Hmm, cuuuuurious! Phil explains that they have to go a mile and a half to a particular building, and then they have to go to the roof. We see a mat, but Phil says nothing about "pit stop," or "may be eliminated," so if you listen to the patter, you certainly know what's coming. Rob and Amber's Fern goes with them toward their destination, and Amber notes that the clue "is written a little bit differently," what with no mention of a pit stop. She's no dummy, that Amber. They get themselves a taxi. Ron and Kelly read the clue and try to get a taxi as well, but when taxis prove hard to find, they wind up in a bicycle rickshaw. So that's going to be ugly. And of course, when they spot Rob and Amber in the taxi, that's Kelly's cue to bitch about being in the wrong form of transportation. "Let's lighten up the attitude," Ron says. And...it's rude, but...I agree. Especially when she's been on about that all damn day. ["Free Ron!" -- Sars]
Uchenna and Joyce find another department, and they finish the task. Lynn and Alex head in with their last one as well, passing the departing Uchenna and Joyce. Inside, the boys find their last guy and deliver their last cup of tea. They get their cart and their cards, and they head back. At the tea shop, Uchenna and Joyce find the owner and retrieve their clue. They head for Phil in a taxi. Lynn openly hopes for a pit stop as they wait at the tea shop, claiming that he's "dead." "It's a pit stop," Alex says confidently, because he doesn't pay as much attention as, say, Amber. Lynn claps, and I am embarrassed to admit how happy I am that he's wrong. They get in a rickshaw and leave.
Gretchen and Meredith head inside the building with tea. They have a run-in with one guy who Gretchen decides took another guy's tea, and for a minute it looks like there may be an international incident, but then things calm down once Gretchen has gotten to snarl, "Shame on you." Heh. Again, I think capture-the-flag is the analogy, and again, they're laughing on the way out.
In their cab, Rob and Amber tell their Fern about how they need to be first to get where they're going, because they're in a competition. "What kind of competition?" he asks, turning to look at Amber. She makes the world's tiniest arm-pumping motions, all cramped up in the back of the cab, as she says, "It's a race." It's very cute. Poor Fern seriously had no idea. Ron and Kelly continue on their rickshaw. Rob and Amber jump out and run up the stairs of the building at which they've arrived. "Please let this be it," Rob says. And indeed, when they hit the roof, there is Phil, standing at the mat. Rob chuckles with relief. "Rob and Amber," he says, "welcome to Lucknow." You can kind of tell by looking at them that Amber is waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that Rob kind of isn't. "You guys probably think this is the end of the leg," he says. "But?" Amber asks. "I don't want to hold you up," Phil says, and then he tells them that he's got a clue for them, because the leg isn't over. And then there is a death-defying eyebrow pop. For me, for me! Not really. Well, partly.
And..."To Be Continued."
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Uhhh, Mardi Gras? I don't know. In other news: My camel is broken! This is bullshit!