Peru-ff beyond a reasonable doubt

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From our old friend LAX, the teams take off for Lima, Peru. There is much talk among some of the other teams of the presence of Rob and Amber, whom I will tell you right now I personally like and don't care who knows it, and do you know why? Because every time they grin broadly, it chaps the shit out of Lex somewhere in the world.

At any rate, sand-pit digging reveals that there are a few teams who will need to pay a bit more attention to what's going on in said world, a zip line reveals that some things never change, and llama-roping reveals that those suckers really do spit. In the end, it comes down to a footrace to the mat between a pair of blondes I don't care for much at all, a former POW and a beauty queen I would like a lot better if they would never discuss those things about themselves ever again, and the team that the room I was in immediately christened Team Yokel, who are by far the most endearing of the three. Of course, it is Yokel that takes a dive, but the shocker is that this still leaves behind a number of teams I anticipate liking. Aside from a couple of teams I haven't made my mind up about yet (including a team whose entire hook seems to be a string of hard luck, and a couple of "lifelong friends" who may or may not be employing a euphemism there) and one that looks like it's warming up to be the Bickersons of TAR7, the teams are largely inoffensive. Patrick, you need to stop talking about other people and worry about your own game. Gretchen, you need to…not do that. Overall, though, the casting appears to be far superior to anything in at least the past three seasons, as there is a marked absence of boy-drags-girl dating couples. And did I mention…Boston Rob? For whom I have an unreasonable and largely inexplicable fondness, attributable probably to the accent alone? Did I mention that sometime during the season, he may say "sweet-haht"? And that I look forward in an unseemly fashion to that moment? Yeah, I thought so. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Previously on How To Endanger Your Franchise With One Drunken Casting Session: First, it was awwwwwesome. Then, it was great. Then it was great, except for the part where Flo won. Then, it kind of sucked. Then it kind of sucked, except for the part where Chip and Kim won. Then it really sucked, except for Kris and Jon, and especially in the parts that had shoving. So now, it is time to see whether the trend can be reversed. It's safe to say we all certainly hope so.

We swoop (yay, swooping!) over a lighthouse and a marina, and then Phil is standing on the deck of the Titanic, and Leo DiCaprio is in the water all, "I'm cooooold," and then...okay, not actually. Actually, Phil is on the Queen Mary, and we're at the Port of Long Beach, where 11 teams will go racing all over the damn place for a big honkload of money, and...well, bless its heart, even though they didn't give it a long enough vacation, I'm still happy to see it. All the teams have an existing relationship! Yay! I am patter's bitch. In other news, Phil's hair is really, really short, and is thus less spiky than usual. I can't say I'm in favor of that.

First out of the helicopter are Debbie and Bianca. One of them has red hair, but they are spiritual blondes. They are introduced as "lifelong friends from Virginia." The more redheaded one, who is apparently Debbie, says that they spend lots of time "goofing off," and calls them both "silly" enough times to choke a Doberman. By way of illustration, we see them drink martinis (wacky!) and roller skate-spin in someone's driveway wearing white tops, miniskirts, and long tube socks with stripes at the top. It is something out of a roller disco movie, and while I am not the demographic at whom this display is aimed, I maintain that it? Is stupid. Bianca promises that they are "strong" and "intelligent," and they "can win this thing." Especially the roller-skating parts.

up? Lynn and Alex, a pair of boyfriends! From West Hollywood, California! So, you know, GAY. Lynn, in an interview in which he kind of looks like Alex, ten years and 10,000 beers later, says that the two of them have "sharp claws." But then they promise that they only strike if you piss them off, or whatever. Because as Lynn says, they wouldn't want to "break a nail." Get it? It's a nail-breaking joke, because they're GAY. And also, they have a dog they carry, even though it's not really a carrying kind of dog. Now, call me unfairly biased; I won't deny it. But I knew Guido. I have had dinner with Guido. And you, sir...well, you get the idea. And it's cute when they're in the car and Lynn is all tousling Alex's hair, but then Lynn adds, "We'll scratch their eyes out." See, it's a catfight joke. Because they're GAY. I certainly hope that goes on all season.

, Rob and Amber. Woooo! Okay, look. Either you watch Survivor or you don't, and if you do, then you either like Boston Rob (known affectionately to me as B-Rob, to be distinguished from a zillion other relevant and irrelevant Robs of the past) or you don't. I, personally, like him, mostly because I watched all of All-Stars and practically none of Marquesas, and because Lex was the biggest self-righteous yahoo in the history of self-righteous yahoos, and Lex just hates Rob. Also, Rob has an adorably goofy Boston accent against which I am completely helpless. Thus ends my explanation. He and Amber get off the helicopter as Phil explains...you know, how they met. Rob explains that they "both have a competitive edge," but they also have a friendship that is now love. And Rob name-checks Survivor for the first time, saying that they've gone through sleep deprivation and hunger and so forth, so he's not seeing them as likely victims of Killer Fatigue. He doesn't call it that, but I won't take it personally.

Out of the helicopter step Ryan and Chuck, best friends from South Carolina. They are a couple of XXXL-sized boys, and they're working the combination of shorts and work boots that always says, "I change my own oil." Ryan says that size is not an issue for them, and in fact, it's "what makes [them] look like teddy bears." So they can "use the natives." Oh, and then we watch them lovably smashing tractors into each other. Ryan finishes explaining how they'll charm the locals as "two fat fellas," and then he turns to Chuck and says, "Is that raaaht?" And Chuck says, "Ah concur." I love them instantly. Chuck says people will think they're hillbillies until they open up and show what they're really made of. Hey, they're made of highly educated Latvian orthodontists! Okay, probably not.

up: Megan and Heidi. Blonde on blonde, again, some more. "Roommates." Megan speaks the accidental cosmic truth that they're "two halves of one whole person." Also, she says, "When we come together, we prosper and nothing is out of our reach." That's certainly the first time I've ever heard the roommate relationship described in quite that way. And then there's a great part where one of them says that they'll be underestimated because they're thin. Well, sure. Everybody knows only fat people ever win competitive, highly athletic reality shows. The chunky Kendra, the hefty Flo, the mercilessly paunchy Chip and Reichen...nobody really believes a thin person can win. They close with one of my favorite grammatical forms, the irrelevant-disjunctive, when they say that people will think they're ditzy, but it's a game.

Susan and Patrick are a mother and son from Hamilton, Ohio, which I guess isn't officially called Hamilton! anymore. More's the pity. Anyway, Susan looks like a nice, suburban mom, and Patrick looks like every teenage kid who still thinks he's about 30 percent smarter than everyone else and gets all cranked about social justice but can't name any members of the Supreme Court. In their interview -- and he incidentally has Neat-Variation Creed Hair, which I normally just do not trust -- Patrick talks about how other teams will think his mother is "Suzy Homemaker" and he's "little gay guy." Of course, since he's traveling with his mother, they probably won't jump to any enormously significant sexuality-related conclusions at all without help, but...okay. And then there's a really fakey-looking clip of her baking something and him eating off the cookie sheet. They say they're "willing to lie" and they're "devious" and such, and...yet again, wrong show. Look for the scrub in the blue shirt holding the torch-snuffer, Young Patrick. And then Young Patrick tells us that they are there to eliminate the other teams one by one, and spews other irrelevancies.

Meredith and Gretchen. Meredith is the boy. Specifically, he's the boy in this retired married couple from Maryland. He explains that "old age and treachery can outperform youth and inexperience." Tr-- treachery? I tell you, the Republicans are right -- maybe the young, the gay, and the elderly really are a menace. Gretchen says she'll be "the motherly sort." And then there's a huge shout-out to one of the EEFPs (Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters) as Gretchen calls herself a "mother tiger." She says, very unconvincingly and without looking at the camera, that "the other teams are going to know that they're going to have to look out." And nothing says "rar!" like hesitating to make eye contact.

What's really hilarious is that I watch this show every week now at the home of M. Giant and Trash, along with their friend Bitter. Bitter is right to me during the appearance of brothers Brian and Greg, and she does exactly -- EXACTLY -- the same thing I do as they emerge from the helicopter. First, for about six-tenths of a second, during the long shot of them walking, we both go, "Heeeey..." And then they cut to the interview shot, and we both go, "Oh, never mind." Except it was much faster than that. More like, "Heee -- oh. No." Because they kind of carry themselves and, weirdly, dress like they're hot, but when you see them, they're actually...not, really. Anyway. Being hot is not a requirement. They talk about how they know each other well enough that they won't argue and so forth, and then there's a great sequence of them mock-wrestling, in which one of them tries to win by pulling the other one's shirt over his head, which is how you know they're totally related. And then one of them tries pantsing the other one, and you know even more. They claim to be charming and have a talent for making friends. We'll see.

Uchenna and Joyce. In probably the weirdest team intro ever, we see them jogging as they voice over that they've had two failed attempts at IVF in order to have a baby, and they've "been laid off from several major corporations," so they're...like, Team Dickens? Or something. And then he spanks her. No, seriously. I'm not sure I ever wanted anyone's fertility problems to be their "hook" on a reality show, but...here we are, nonetheless. And then she makes the comment that if they win the money, they can try on the baby again. Which...wow. Just, wow. I'm going to try to never think about this again, because it's creepy and sad, and I don't want to root against anyone having a baby, but I don't want to root for anyone because they want one, either. Weird.

Speaking of bios high in potential squick factor, here come Ron and Kelly. Ron was a helicopter pilot for the Army in Iraq, and he was shot down and spent some time as a POW, and Kelly was a pageant winner, so they're matched American icons in this...incredibly depressing way. And they're in love. So, okay.

Ray and Deana. They carry the dreaded label "Dating On and Off." That's never good. She explains that they're both "competitive" (which is code for "jerkweeds," as history teaches), and we watch as they lift weights and do karate. Ray says he doesn't know what's keeping them together. And really, no woman can hear that enough. Anyway, whatever it is, it's "stronger than what's tearing [them] apart." Which is, it seems, their intense dislike of each other. But we'll get there.

As the teams stroll toward the starting line, Phil gives his usual patter about "brains, brawn, and teamwork" and so forth. "These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin...The Amazing Race." And they fake me out with this every season! How do they keep doing that! I always want credits there! I am a fool. We back away from the Queen Mary. And back, and back, and back. Big boat, that.

Now, we are on land, where Phil is explaining how they're about to leave and stuff. He explains how their cash allowance has to cover everything but airline tickets, which they don't have to pay for. At the end of each leg will be a pit stop; eight of the pit stops will be elimination points. Your first clue is with your luggage, which is behind Phil, as always, because we love the shot of everyone running by Phil. They're to get their bags, read their clue, and then jump into a car in the parking lot. Oh, and the prize is a million dollars. People jump up and down. Is everyone ready, Phil wants to know. They all helpfully "Woo!" their readiness. "The world is waiting for you," Phil says. "Good luck. Travel safe." And then there is an eyebrow pop, and I choose to believe that eyebrow pop is exaggeratedly there for me personally, because I am sick in the head and love Phil. Anyway, "GO!" There is screaming, and then the crowd runs by Phil, and he attempts to cheat death by leaning back slightly, as always. Hee. People fly across the lawn of the park. We see Lynn and Alex open their clue. "Fly to Lima, Peru," they read. And then Uchenna, too, is really, really excited to find out that this show will apparently involve international travel. In Lima, they'll have to go by bus to the Plaza de Armas and search for another clue. And there are only two flights -- United 840, or American 252. And you get $132 for the leg. No palindrome money allotments this time, I guess.

People run, and in accordance with tradition, they say "baby," and "let's go," and the first two teams to hop into cars and get going appear to be Patrick and Susan and Ray and Deana. Amber pats the back of the car and says, "Honey, open the trunk." "Yeah," Rob says. "If I knew how." Hmm. Brains, 0. We'll have to see how brawn and teamwork do. Teams leave, following each other, and Rob laughs at himself for not knowing how to open the trunk. Somewhere, Lex throws Cheetos at the TV, going, "That's your karma right there! You traded it all away, man! We could be doing this together, man!" ["And he called the car 'honorable,' too, no doubt. Shut up, Lex." -- Sars] Uchenna and Joyce are just happy about going to Peru. The teams' cars streak off into the distance, and then...credits.

Credits! Oh, man. The first-season tiger is gone for the first time. I pause to mourn the exit of the most famous ennui-filled tiger in the history of television.

We go directly from credits back to show, where teams are on the freeway. It appears that the teams have been...given the departure times for the flights? In the clue? Are you kidding me? They didn't even used to tell you what airport they left from! Whatever. Uchenna and Joyce breathlessly disclose that they grew up in California, and know where the airport is. Brian, in the front seat of the Brothermobile, asks, "You feelin' good, G?" And a little of that is going to go a long way, that's for sure. "G" assures "B" that he's feeling just fine. And behind them, Ron drawls, "We're followin' the dark-haired tall guys." And it's just that kind of ill-advised...never mind. I just can't. I mean, I'm going to want to do that all season every time he gets lost, and I just can't, not only because it might be too mean, but because I will get hate mail that even I do not want to deal with. Megan tells Heidi she's going too fast, and then Heidi realizes that she is, because she was looking at something other than the speedometer to see how fast she was going. The cigarette lighter, probably. In the Ryan/Chuck car, Chuck praises his own driving by saying, "Drive it like you stole it, baby." Hee. Chuck says something about how they can drive anything with a motor, and then Ryan clues us in to their race strategy, which is as follows: "Do it well, and beat ever-buddy." All were agreed in the M. Giant Living Room that this is a plan that will make them hard to beat.

Lynn is waxing non-rhapsodic about the journey. "Peru is, like, donkeys...and blankets..." Alex jumps in. "Honey, I'd hate for you to make a sweeping generalization," he says with a wary smile, vividly envisioning a 400-page forum thread called "Sweeping Generalizations On The Amazing Race: Lynn Sucks!!!!!" Then, in the Retirement Car, Meredith says something about going to Lima, and Gretchen says, "Wonders me [sic] why we're not being home in our easy chairs in front of the fireplace watching this instead of sitting here actually being in it." A little too rehearsed, that, and it still came out mushmouthed. And in the Roller Disco car, Debbie and Bianca are noticing that nobody is behind them except for one team. Not good news. I mean, it is for me, but not for them.

And finally, Rob and Amber get the trunk open. No, seriously. Rob and Amber have not left yet. They get on the road. "So fah, we're doing good," Rob comments. Amber laughs. "We're in last," she says, "but that's all right." "It's all right; we left in last, but we're gonna get there first," Rob says. I tend to forgive him for playing the role of himself.

Elsewhere, Deana tells Ray not to let anyone pass. But Susan (heh) does pass him, at which point Deana declares that she should have driven, and Ray tightly says, "No, no, no." There is some talk about rules, which I hate, because this is the part where the stupidest problem they've never properly resolved comes up. And that is that they tell people that you have to follow the speed limit, but they never enforce it. It's obvious that this comes up over and over again, and they've never addressed it. I don't doubt for a minute that when Ray brings up "rules we have to follow," he's talking about speeding, and the fact that Patrick and Susan sped to pass. Of course, nothing happened, as nothing ever does. And if you want to have no rule about speeding, then don't have one, but unenforced rules suck, because it makes people who choose to follow what they've been told are the rules suffer. It goes back a long way, and they've never solved it, and they should.

Anyway, Deana interviews that Ray always thinking he's right is hard for her.

Uchenna comments to Joyce that Brian and Greg -- whom he calls "the surfer guys" -- are behind them. And the boys pass. "They are definitely in it to win it," Uchenna comments. Elsewhere, Lynn and Alex pass Chuck and Ryan as well, even with Ryan calling out a warning of, "We got one comin' up on the high side." Hee. "It's the hillbillies!" Lynn and Alex shriek as they pass. Yeah, shriek. And, don't do that. Ryan calls them "the happy boys." Nice euphemism, there, dude. Not obvious at all. "They're uncomfortable, because normally, they're on a tractor," Lynn remarks. Snerk. Oh, it's not that funny, but for a first episode? Yeah, it'll do.

Lynn and Alex are now behind Megan and Heidi, and both teams are sort of lost in a sea of looking down on each other from inside their vehicles. Awesome. And then Heidi almost crashes the car with her and Megan in it. No, really. Almost crashes. You can tell from the screeching brakes and the way Megan's boobs are thrown into the back of the front seat. I think that was a fairly close moment, there. It scares them enough that Lynn comments breathlessly that "they almost got in a wreck." Also enough that the girls discuss whether Megan ought to take over the driving. As Heidi and Megan are passed by Debbie and Bianca, Debbie says, "See ya, big boobie beauties." Yeah. Let she who has never done roller disco in tube socks cast the first stone, Woman Of Substance. Debbie and Bianca pass, and then cackle at their good fortune.

Rob and Amber. He comments that he's "stah-vin'." He jokes -- they're fans of the show; he's joking -- that maybe they should pull over and get something to eat. "This isn't Survivor," he says. "You know, you can eat over here." "I'm looking forward to losing some weight; we need to lose some weight," she says. And it's like they're already married, because by "we"? She totally means "you." Or, kind of, "You, honey."

Megan and Heidi pull over to switch drivers. Heidi remarks, "I'm going to kill someone if I keep driving." Well, really. Heidi interviews that Megan knows her well enough to walk her through it when she's plagued with self-doubt. Or to make her get out of the car.

Elsewhere, Patrick informs us that his "hands are shaking." He says he's really excited. Elsewhere, Ray has forgotten what country they're going to, so Deana reminds him. Brian calls Greg "G" again, so apparently, this is a running thing. Not good at all. Oh, and they missed their exit, so that's even worse. Ron and Kelly talk about nothing interesting at all. Sorry, but it's true. Oh, but she does add in an interview that they are doing the race for my least favorite reason of all -- to see whether they're really "meant to be" or not. Because what better way to determine your suitability for day-to-day circumstances than a test in extraordinary circumstances? She openly hopes for the "fairy-tale ending" in which they get the money and get to be together forever. You don't even need the win for the really important part of the fairy-tale ending, but I don't want to rain on her Rose Bowl parade or anything. They look for the parking lot. Patrick and Susan are arriving there as well, along with Ray and Deana.

Lynn and Alex are passed by Chuck and Ryan. "Oh, it's the hillbillies," Lynn says in frustration. "Oh, those hillbillies," Alex adds dryly. These teams and Debbie and Bianca are pulling in, so there's a whole clump of teams showing up at once, all looking for a shuttle. On the first shuttle are Lynn and Alex, Chuck and Ryan, Patrick and Susan, and Ron and Kelly. Ray and Deana are running for it, and he's telling her to "suck it up." Always fun. Elsewhere, Debbie is unable to get the car key out. Push and turn! Push and turn! Jiggle the steering wheel! Uh...sorry, that's all I know. Uchenna and Joyce are at the airport, too, and they're looking to jump on the shuttle where Lynn is excitedly asking the other lead teams, "Did you guys see the girls almost get in a wreck? That was super-scary!" He says "super-scary" because he can't say what he means, which is "awesome." Ray and Deana and Uchenna and Joyce, by the way, wind up being left behind when the shuttle has no room for them. Everyone is trying to figure out what plane to head for first. Teams have different theories about what to do, but Ron and Kelly, Chuck and Ryan, and Susan and Patrick all want to get off at American, where the shuttle will go first, and see what's what. Lynn and Alex, on the other hand, want to go on United.

In the Rob and Amber car, where they are far behind, he is saying that they're going to win the money. "Did I fail to mention that?" he wonders. "We're definitely winning the million." She adds that they'll have fun while winning. "In my mind, I've already won," he interviews. Yeah, yeah, that's the B-Rob script and it's kind of boring. But then in the car, he says, "But you know what? If we don't win it? We already won a million." He laughs. And...it's kind of true. She grins in the back seat. Lex sharpens a knife.

At the airport, Megan and Heidi are right with Greg and Brian. Brian lets them cut in, even, and then makes reference to "your cute little pink butt," which sounds much worse than it is, because in fact, one of those girls is wearing pants that say "PINK" across the ass, and it's a little unfair to that guy to not point out that he has a perfectly good reason for saying that. I mean, he may be a dick, but he's not really a dick for that. Megan and Heidi, unsurprisingly, giggle. These teams run toward the terminal and wind up on a shuttle with Uchenna and Joyce and Ray and Deana.

At American, here are Ron and Kelly and Ryan and Chuck. They ask about the landing times on the two flights, but Kelly cuts Ron off, saying that American won't know when the United flight lands. Fool! They might! You have to at least ask! Anyway, they purchase their American tickets, like fools who have never seen the show, ever. Oh, and then she makes some dumb comment about how they're "the All-American couple." Ick.

Meanwhile, at United, Lynn and Alex run inside to the ticket counter. They ask about the American and United flights, but they find that the American flight, while it leaves later, actually arrives sooner. Since the worst-case scenario will still find them back on United, they decide to at least try over at American. They take off walking.

Elsewhere, Gretchen, still on the freeway, thinks she and Meredith are going the wrong direction. She makes repeated use of both "doggone it" and "goddarn it." Missing in action: "Dagnabbit" and "Fuck all." She surmises that they will have to go all around the airport. Rob and Amber, on the other hand, have arrived at the airport at last. On the shuttle, Uchenna and Joyce are discussing the fact that they'll run into the American terminal first. They know, however, that that's the later-leaving flight. They discuss the possibility, however, that later-leaving can be earlier-arriving, and they wind up hopping off the shuttle at American. These teams get in line behind Patrick and Susan, and Susan fills them in on what they know. Somebody begs a cell phone, which they use to check on the United flight, because apparently, American won't tell them? That definitely makes American the assholes of the episode, which is sort of surprising, since what the teams would find out is that American arrives sooner, and that they're a sponsor. Good one! Bianca (I think) checks the status of the flight, and finds out that they're good where they are, because American leaves sooner.

Out in the parking lot, Rob (dryly -- or stupidly, depending on how you read him) observes, "We got to be a little quicker, I think. I think we're taking our time too much." Heh. They walk in. Gretchen and Meredith are here, finally, as well. On the shuttle, Rob encourages it to go, and not to stop for the old people calling out for it to stop. The shuttle starts to roll on. "That's too bad," Rob smirks, because he's not at all sorry. "Doggone it," Gretchen says...again. Maybe I should just interpret for you and insert the word she really means. Like so: "[Shit]," Gretchen says.

Commercials. Dove deep conditioning. Now without cucumber porn, unlike some of their sister products.

When we return, the shuttle does in fact stop and let Gretchen and Meredith on, and they ask for United, and Gretchen chastises, "You guys were all saying, 'Go, go, go.'" Well, right. Remember about treachery? Let's not be hypocritical there, lady. They grin broadly and Amber, trying to deflect as gracefully as possible (in my opinion), says, "That's not necessarily true," in a way that basically admits that it is. ["…Race. Shut up, Gretchen." -- Sars]

Lynn and Alex get to American and find that they're way behind a lot of teams, and they're not going to make it on. They run outside and hop on the shuttle, which turns out to be the same one Rob and Amber and Gretchen and Meredith are on. They explain that this flight is full because, while it leaves later, it actually arrives earlier. All of these teams return to United, which is like, "Sure, now you love us." They all get seats.

Brian and Greg get to American and introduce themselves to all the teams already waiting in line there, who have a chance to get on the flight while they don't. Whichever guy winds up talking to whichever of the blondes, he assumes that the blondes are sisters, and is shocked to hear that they aren't. Ryan and Chuck get their flight on American. Uchenna starts counting teams and realizes that there are probably too many teams in front of him for him to make this flight.

Up at the front of the line, Patrick is hugging Debbie and Bianca, and Bianca says that Patrick reminds her of her first boyfriend. "Did he end up being gay?" Patrick asks. "No," she says. "Oh. I am," he says, and...I so feel his pain, but that was..."seamless," not. He laughs, and there's the overused rattlesnake sound, which just stands for all kinds of things these days. He and his mom get ticketed on American. Debbie kisses Bianca on the cheek and hugs her as Bianca says, all Ricky Ricardo, "I love you too, hooo-ney." (Actually, it's all Oswald, is what it is.) And then Brian or Greg turns to Greg or Brian and says, "Those two girls were...never mind." HA! That was awesome. The other of the boys laughs, because girls kissing is hilarious. Bianca and Debbie get on the flight, as do Megan and Heidi. But when Uchenna and Joyce get up there, there are none for them and none for Greg and Brian, so they head for United. There, they successfully get their tickets.

People wait for their various planes to take off. Both flights load up. As Ray and Ron (oy) talk at the gate, Ron decides there's no place like an airport to tell Ray that he was a POW, even though he says that he's not sure he wants everyone to know. Just his close personal friends from the first ten minutes, like Ray, and only in the right setting, like at the gate before the flight leaves. "No kidding," Ray says, just like Ron had just told him that he was a triathlon champion. Ron says that's why he came on the race. And he goes on to say that if he wins, he'll be giving the money to disabled veterans. And you won't find a more worthy (or in need) cause anywhere, pretty much, but...cheeeeesy. I mean, really. What's the point of hauling that out right now? Nothing, is what the point is. Ray, of course, says Ron has his respect, and they shake hands. Which must be really meaningful to Ron, since Ray had basically no choice.

Commercials. Weird things were afoot with my TV during this commercial break, so there's not that much I can tell you. Except that, of course.

In Lima, the teams from the American flight make it out of the airport and onto a bus. Ron mentions that Lima reminds him of Baghdad, and I can honestly tell you that I really, really hope that's the last reference like that. Because I really don't want to hear about how every town reminds him of Baghdad. Not because it's not probably true, but because it's tacky. Susan says that life looks very different in Lima from what she's used to.

The teams start looking for someone who can tell them how to get to the Plaza de Armas. It is right along here that Bitter says, "The soldier runs like a girl." And M. Giant and Trash say, at precisely the same moment, "That's probably how he got caught." And then we all go to hell, so no one sees the rest of this episode at all. The end.

Not really. Anyway, running, running, running. The teams make it to Plaza de Armas, and they find a green clue box. When they rip it, it says that they have to take a bus to Ancon. Phil says that when they get to Ancon, they have to take a rickshaw to the beach known as Playa Hermosa. There, they'll find three piles of sand hiding airline tickets with the familiar first-episode thing where you get one of several possible departure times and it's all about looking for the best possible one. You know that game, right? Sure you do. Anyway, the departure times are 6:00 AM, 7:00 AM, and 7:40 AM, headed for Cusco, Peru. And once you dig up a ticket and claim it, you can't trade it in.

Lead teams start the bus hunt, and it turns out that Chuck and Ryan, bless their hearts, speak Spanish. Ray, on the other hand, is frustrated that no one speaks English so he can't communicate. Debbie and Bianca are traveling with Susan and Patrick, but Bianca says she thinks being allies is "way too difficult" with all the people involved. Bianca says again in an interview that Patrick reminds her of an old boyfriend, and that Susan is like a mom, so they're sort of working with them. Despite what she just said, I guess? Yeah, I don't know. "We hope this alliance lasts throughout the race," Bianca toothily grins. Apart, I guess, from where she just tried to end it. I'm so confused. That was a baffling editing job, if they just edited together the statements about how they wanted to keep the alliance with the one moment when they doubted it.

Ray tries to team up with Ron and Kelly and Megan and Heidi, because he's noticed that the teams that spoke any Spanish are all gone. Meanwhile, Susan and Patrick and Bianca and Debbie are getting directions by -- you guessed it -- speaking Spanish. A guy tells them that if they go up a few blocks, they'll see buses for Ancon. They all exchange high-fives, because, wooooo!

Ryan is generously captioned to say "I want a bus," although...I'm not sure. His Spanish is pretty dicey, according to what I'm able to catch, although it appears to be good enough that, while Ray and Ron look on from a distance in dismay, it gets him directions to the buses. Ron's voice-over calls the bus "a magical bus that we will never find." And it's just that kind of can-do attitude that...uh, never mind.

Debbie and Bianca and Susan and Patrick get on a bus, which is not a big bus like a city bus, but more like a shuttle-looking thing.

Aaaand here comes the second flight landing in Lima. And as they head out of the airport, guess what? Rob and Amber have themselves a Fern. Not just a Fern, but an English-speaking American Fern, which is, if not the best kind, certainly the easiest kind. Rob conspiratorially puts his arm around the guy and asks if they can get away from everyone. The three run off together. (Not like that.) Rob voices over that they met the guy at customs, and he recognized them from Survivor, and he offered to help them out. The teams all scatter, and wind up waiting at two different spots, with Rob telling Amber that he thinks all the other people are going to screw them eventually. And elsewhere, Alex says something about the buses being "grande," and Lynn says, all faux-admiring, "Wow, Alex, you're so international." Snerk. Rob and Amber get a bus first, and their Fern explains that normally, this bus would stop for about fifteen people, but the driver's not going to stop after this; he's going to keep going. And they took a fair amount of shit for this, as if they pulled a Boston/Taraweasel routine and took what was basically a taxi, but they clearly didn't. This is what a lot of the buses here look like -- like shuttles/vans, rather than like city buses. This isn't a minivan, as that one was -- it's like a small shuttle bus. Furthermore, Rob and Amber didn't go and call that thing like you do a limousine. It came by; they got in. So that, in this case, doesn't bother me so much, even though I wish they'd be more specific in situations where "bus" pretty clearly doesn't have the same connotations it does in an American city. But anyway. Their Fern tells them that they'll be charged a little extra for the guy foregoing other passengers, which certainly makes sense.

Uchenna comments that now approaching is what he emphatically calls a "big bus," so pretty clearly, the Racers have figured out that there are both big buses and small, shuttle-y buses. They note that nobody is on this one yet, so all the teams get on. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber and their Fern get to the Plaza de Armas and start looking for the clue box. "Wow, look at this place, huh?" Rob comments admiringly, and...one point for enjoying the ride. They run to the box and pull the clue. They ask another guy how to get to Ancon, and he tells them to find a bus and go north. "We got all of Peru workin' for us!" Rob says happily, delighted about all the kindness of international strangers.

On the Debbie/Bianca/Susan/Patrick bus, they're chatting about -- what else? -- Patrick's favorite subject: Rob and Amber. Patrick tells the girls that he watched Survivor, and Rob is "dumb as a rock." Which means that either Patrick didn't actually watch Survivor, didn't watch All-Stars, doesn't know the difference between smart and dumb, or thinks rocks are smart. Because Rob is a lot of things, including many things that many people understandably dislike, but he is certainly not "dumb." I'm of the opinion that much of that perception is the result of the fact that he has a strong accent that is associated with a working-class population rather than an upper-class population. If Rob talked like a rich New Englander rather than like a guy who works construction in Boston? Nobody would think he was dumb. It's classist, to me, even though I'm not all that into hunting for bad intentions everywhere. But Bianca is happy to hear how dumb Rob is. "He can't put a sentence together," Patrick claims, totally falsely. That's absurd. Again, that's the accent. Rob is at least at the 75th percentile of articulateness among reality show contestants.

Speaking of which, he gives Amber a smooch on the forehead (aw, yeah) as they wait for a bus to Ancon. And then they hop on board. And again, Amber explains on the bus that their Fern (whose name is actually Craig) has convinced the bus driver not to pick up any more people, but just drop people off, so they'll be getting there faster. Apparently, they paid 30 dollars for the privilege, so depending on how tight money is, that might be worth it. Ryan and Chuck, Ron and Kelly, Megan and Heidi, and Ray and Deana are still looking for a bus to Ancon. I'm not sure what those people are doing, but they have done a supremely poor job of getting themselves onto a bus. And now, panic is setting in. I love it when panic sets in! That's when the fun starts. And the crying.

Commercials. Have a Tylenol. No, seriously. Have one. Have several.

Ray and Deana and their Posse of Misery ask another guy about a bus to Ancon. Yeah, he doesn't know. But finally, Ryan and Chuck ask the right street vendor, and they get themselves pointed toward the buses. Ultimately, Ray and Deana, Ron and Kelly, Ryan and Chuck, and Megan and Heidi all wind up on the "3rd Bus to Ancon." That certainly took a while.

At the Plaza de Armas, Brian and Greg (whom I am nowhere near being able to identify individually) are looking for the clue box. They, along with Lynn and Alex, find a guy who takes them to the right spot. Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen are nearby as well, and then there is a shot of their local guide flipping and jumping down the street in one of those moments that nobody could have written into anything, but here's a guy who's going to be on TV, so why not show off your gymnastics? They're lucky more gate agents don't sing.

Ancon. Beaches. Surfing. Parasailing. Susan and Patrick and Debbie and Bianca hop off the bus and look for Playa Hermosa. They get into rickshaws and head out. Bianca and Debbie enjoy saying "andale, andale" to their rickshaw driver. Ah, yes. The touchstone of American cultural experience: Speedy Gonzales cartoons. And then Debbie reaches over and gives Bianca a big, noisy kiss on the cheek, which I'm sure does not escape the attention of their driver. "Te amo," Debbie intones. That is just getting stupid and show-offy.

to arrive at the beach are Rob and Amber, who hop into their rickshaw along with Craig the Fern. "You know what?" Rob says as they drive along. "This is pretty nice. I'm havin' fun." And...again, I admire that in anybody.

On the third bus to Ancon, there is tension. Probably because these people know they totally lagged getting on buses, and they're not sure where they stand. Ray interviews that they saw all sorts of things in Lima, and it put it all in perspective, and you can kind of tell he really wants that part to get on TV as he compares the unimportance of racing to the human spirit and blah dee blah he really, really loves the downtrodden. Much more than the girl he's "dating off and on."

With the help of their local, Lynn and Alex and Brian and Greg find the Plaza de Armas, followed by Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen. Their local is still with Brian and Greg, and directs them to the buses to Ancon. He even explains to Uchenna and Joyce -- very cleverly, with counting that they'll understand -- that it's five blocks up to the bus. Uchenna and Joyce decide to run the five blocks to the buses. Other teams, however, decide to take cabs. Cabs? Five blocks? That's totally weird. It's five blocks! What show do they think this is? Lynn and Alex get another local who agrees to take them directly to the buses. Brian and Greg are the only ones on the fourth bus, and then Lynn fans himself and comments, sort of apropos of nothing, that "it is a million caliento." Which kind of means nothing, and yet unmistakably gets his point across. Oh, language, you lovable scamp. They hop on the bus and go. Meredith and Gretchen get on the bus, with Meredith wiping out on the way over, and as he grasps anything and everything while falling, he narrowly avoids a very very close encounter with parts of his bus driver. He says if they survive the day, it will be the damnedest day of their lives. Well. Uchenna and Joyce get the bus.

Debbie/Bianca/Susan/Patrick arrive at the sand piles at Playa Hermosa. They remind themselves of the task, which is to search the three piles of sand for tickets. Now, what you do in this task is run to all three piles and see what the times are before you randomly choose one and start digging. Because you don't know what the times are, so you don't know which one is best until you look. Got it? Okay. Debbie and Bianca first look at the 6:00 AM, then at the 7:40 AM, then at the 7:00 AM. So they run back to the 6:00 AM. They fill in Patrick and Susan, and those two teams go and dig in the 6:00 AM pile.

Rob and Amber and their Fern show up , and as Craig explains how to get to the beach, Rob says, "Thank Gawwd, can you imagine if we didn't find this guy?" Hee. Of course, the fact of the matter is that other teams didn't struggle much with finding the beach, so they probably would have anyway, but it's good to be gracious and grateful. And incidentally, nobody is really cocky who says, "Can you imagine if we didn't find this guy?" Because it means, "We got very lucky."

The famous Third Bus of Bafflement-Induced Delay rolls up to Playa Hermosa. Ray/Deana, Ryan/Chuck, Megan/Heidi, and Ron/Kelly (really bugging me with that "Former POW/Pageant Queen" label, bleh) get in rickshaws for the beach. Poor Ryan and Chuck are taxing their rickshaw guy a little bit, even before they start yelling, "Beep beep beep beep beep!" Which they do. And Ron and Kelly say, "Arriba, arriba," because they also? Watched cartoons. Deana has the nerve to comment on how pretty the beach is, and Ray says tightly, "It is. I agree. I'll appreciate it after we get over there." Dude. You are in a rickshaw. You can do nothing. You might as well enjoy it now, no?

"He ain't got but one gear, brother," says Ryan or Chuck to Chuck or Ryan. "We'll get out and run if we need to," the other one says. "Yeah, we'll pull it," comes the response. They're probably kidding. Oh, wait. They're not. Because the thing you know, here they are, running alongside their rickshaw. Heeee hee. "The high side!" they call out as they pass. "Clear on the high side!" Oh, man. That is some serious comedy. And then one of them says, "Hop on! Ah'm about ta die!" So they do. You should always hop on before you die.

Debbie and Bianca comment that the clues are really buried in the sand. Debbie unearths a ticket first. It comes with a clue that explains that their flight will be to "the mountain village of Cusco," where, as Phil explains, they will find themselves at an altitude of almost 11,000 feet. When they get there, they'll get another clue. Back at the sand pile, Patrick finds a ticket. The teams also learn that the flight is in the morning, and they'll be spending the night on the beach. They note that only one other team will make the 6:00 AM flight, and they wonder who it will be.

Weeeeell, it just might be Rob and Amber, because here they come with Craig now. They hop out at the beach and run to the sand piles. Because two teams are in front of them who are already done, and because the 6:00 AM pile has already been dug through, Rob concludes that it pretty much has to be the earliest one, which is giving other teams way too much credit, but of course, he's right that this should be the case, provided the other teams checked. I suppose with other teams hot on their tails, it might have been a worthwhile gamble. Rob and Amber dig, and are surprised to be joined by Ray and Deana, whom they know were on the first flight to Lima and should rightly be ahead of them. Now, these two teams are in a dig-off for the last 6:00 AM ticket. Megan and Heidi come , and Bianca or Debbie yells out, in that way women do when they're trying to disassociate themselves from women they've decided are less cool than they are, "Go, blondies!" Yeah, "blondies." Right out loud, to their faces. Nice. Megan and Heidi run right by the 6:00 AM pile just as Rob finds the last 6:00 AM ticket. "By the skin of our teeth," says Boston Rob.

Megan and Heidi find the 7:40, and although Megan wants to check the time on the other pile, Heidi blows her off. "We came here first; let's just do this one." Uh...okay. Great plan! If you don't care about, like, being in last place. Whatever. Rob and Amber share a happy moment regarding their good fortune. And he kisses her on the forehead again. And "aw, yeah" again. They read the clue about the high altitude. Bianca says that if they could have chosen anybody else or Amber and Rob, they'd have chosen anybody else. Good thing they're not the bosses of the race, then, isn't it? Good Lord. Patrick was telling Bianca about Rob from Survivor, so she obviously doesn't even know anything about them, so what's twisting her undies already? Shut up.

Ray and Deana are digging in the 7:00 pile, while Megan and Heidi madly dig in the 7:40 pile. And here come Ryan and Chuck. And for whatever reason, they run right up to Megan and Heidi and start digging. Without checking. Fools. "What's the other times, y'all? Did y'all check?" The girls admit that they just picked a pile at random. This does not make Ryan and Chuck go and check the other times, which is very disappointing.

Ron and Kelly show up, and as they run by, Bianca (I think) calls out, "There's 7:00 and 7:40 left, we think. Go to the one where the blonde girls are, the middle one." Now that just makes no sense, because on the one hand, she gave them the times, so she doesn't seem to be trying to fool them, but why did she tell them to go to the wrong one? I wonder if she didn't just forget which pile was which, because it wouldn't make a hell of a lot of sense for her to give the times and then send them to a pile clearly marked "7:40." But Ron and Kelly don't check and don't process any of what they were told besides "middle," so they join the hunt with Ryan and Chuck and Megan and Heidi for the suck-ass tickets. Elsewhere, Deana finds a ticket at 7:00. And then Ryan and Chuck find a ticket at 7:40, and it's kind of depressing watching them celebrate, because...yeah. Nothing to celebrate, y'all. You're in LAST. Ron and Kelly and Megan and Heidi get 7:40 tickets, too, and after it's already too late, Kelly says they should go over and look at the third pile. Yeah. Good thinking. Of course, when they get there, they see that it's 7:00, so Kelly declares, "Can't trust them at all." Which is kind of bullshit, because it's not like they didn't say "7:00 and 7:40." Because they did. ["And who cares what they said anyway? Do your own homework, Kelly." -- Sars]

Commercials. Hey, Gran Turismo! It's so hip and urban.

When we return, Ray is putting it into Ron's head that Debbie and Bianca might have given him a bum steer intentionally. "Oh, I'm sure they did," Ron says. The guys chuckle, and they're all "game on," and you can tell that they have decided that they are Guys, and Guys have to stick together and so forth. You can just kind of tell. Guys are Guys, after all.

Brian and Greg arrive in Ancon. They rickshaw it to the beach. They note that of the three piles of sand, one has no tickets left, one has one ticket, and one has three. That should tell you something is amiss, of course. When they see that there's only one left for 7:40, they head off to look at the last pile, assuming it will be even later, since it has three ticket markers left. When they get there, they look, and note that it's for 7:00. "Isn't 7:00 before 7:40?" one of them asks as they survey the pile of sand. "Where I grew up, yeah," comes the reply. Hee hee. They dig and find a ticket.

Lynn and Alex wind up on a motorized rickshaw -- more like what this show would traditionally tell you is a tuk-tuk -- and head to the beach. Meredith and Gretchen follow. In last place are Uchenna and Joyce. Lynn and Alex take something of a roundabout route, so they have to run farther to the beach. Lynn is making me nervous, running with his shoes off. Lynn and Alex go to the 7:00 pile, while Meredith and Gretchen -- for no apparent reason -- stop at the 7:40 pile. Uchenna and Joyce are still aiming for the beach as Meredith and Gretchen get the worst ticket left. They do go and check the other pile once it's too late, and they note this to the camera afterwards. "Well, but we didn't know," Gretchen says. Which is kind of...why you check, homes. But anyway. Uchenna and Joyce dig for the last ticket left, which is for the 7:00 AM flight. Of course, Uchenna gives his competition too much credit, assuming they're "definitely last." Which would make perfect sense if everyone else weren't kind of doofy, which they are.

So, in brief, teams who showed signs of serious stupidity there: Meredith and Gretchen, Ryan and Chuck, Ron and Kelly, Heidi and Megan. Stupidity, I'm saying. It's not like only one of those teams blew it, either. Four out of eleven teams -- FOUR OUT OF ELEVEN! -- took a later flight when an earlier one was available and could have been theirs for the asking had they just looked. That is kind of depressing and inauspicious.

It gets to be evening, and everyone sits on the beach around a fire. Not unreasonably, Rob mentions that this kind of reminded him of Survivor, and he was sure everyone would be plotting against him. Nicely, this comes at the close of the first hour, just about, so I'm throwing out all Survivor references as introductory to this point, and after the first hour, I don't want to hear a whole hell of a lot about it, mostly because it sets off a firestorm in the forums, which is a huge pain in the behind for me, and really? All about me.

In the morning, Debbie and Bianca, Susan and Patrick, and Rob and Amber head for the airport to catch the 6:00 AM. Amber -- working a headlamp over a fuzzy hat in a combination that I just don't think is going to work -- comments that while the other teams are being nice to them, she senses that they don't want them around. True, of course. "They don't want us to win again," he says. "That's just too bad for them, isn't it?" And basically, your entire opinion of Boston Rob, I think, comes down to whether you think he's being cocky there, or he's doing himself being cocky. I tend to read it as the second one, and I find it a little funny, but I certainly get how people feel otherwise. These three teams head in as 7:00 AM flyers begin to arrive, followed by 7:40 flyers. The 6:00 AM leaves as planned, but then there is bad news about the 7:00 AM. As it turns out, the 7:00 AM has been delayed. Like, a lot. By what are referred to as "technical difficulties," which makes me think it's a problem with the vertical hold or something. I've never heard a plane referred to as having "technical difficulties." The way it works out, the 7:00 AM plane is screwed enough that it's now going to leave behind the 7:40, so all the stupid people are not going to pay for their stupidity, which is really fucking frustrating. Megan and Heidi are all hugging and "Eeeee!", and I kind of hate them now. I mean, more.

Commercials. Wow. A movie called Spring Break Shark Attack. I almost can't not watch that. I hope everyone gets eaten.

Back at the Airport Lounge of Totally Unfair Developments, the people from the theoretically better flight are now battling to get on the theoretically worse flight. "Listen to me," Gretchen says to Deana, Lynn, and Alex. "Get used to being burned. It's going to happen a lot." Yeah, thanks, wise old lady who dug in the 7:40 AM pile and is benefiting from all this and therefore can kind of afford to be smug about it. As it turns out, they all do get on the 7:40, so aside from the three lead teams on that 6:00 AM flight, everybody else is in a big tie, and is more than an hour and a half back. Bunch-errific! But sort of by accident, in fairness.

The first flight lands in Cusco, and people talk almost immediately about feeling odd from the altitude adjustment. Bianca claims that she and Debbie feel "lightheaded," which they chalk up to the altitude and I...don't. They all buy some coca tea, which is apparently what you're supposed to drink for altitude sickness. And if you're waiting for that storyline to pay off, it's not going to. The teams get to the clue box and rip the clue. It tells them to get themselves to Huambutio, where there's a kiosk owned by a gentleman who will give them their clue. As the clue instructs, the teams head for "marked taxis," and they get going. Debbie's Spanish appears to be serving her well, although she seems to use the familiar forms of address on everyone. And Rob and Amber, on the way, admire the mountains. Which, again, I think is cool.

Debbie and Bianca spend some time crowing about being in first place, and then they hop out of their taxi at Felipe's kiosk and ask him for their clue. When they rip it, it tells them to take a taxi across the bridge to the top of the gorge. Phil explains that at the top of the gorge, they'll take a zip line across the gorge, and then another one to the bottom, where they'll find another clue. Patrick and Susan are to find the clue. As they're leaving, Rob and Amber are arriving and clue-fetching. "Oh, yes," Patrick says rapturously in the cab. "We keep Rob and Amber behind us!" Bleh. Older than Survivor references? Obsessing about other teams. Run your own race, Young Patrick. Your own race! Back in the cab, Rob talks about being on the side of a mountain, and makes use of "sayonara" in a way that makes me laugh, because he has magical powers. Not generally, but over me, certainly.

Debbie and Bianca talk about being number one again as they get to the zip line, followed by Patrick and Susan and Rob and Amber. Bianca is first on the zip line. Zip! She screams. There's never much to say about zip lining, unfortunately. Debbie zips across the gorge. Bianca zips to the bottom; Debbie zips to the bottom with their clue. At the bottom, they open the clue, which is for a Detour. The Detour choices are Rope a Llama and Rope a Basket. In llamas, you rope two llamas and move them up a hill into a pen. Not physically taxing, but llamas are stubborn. In baskets, you put on silly hats and sling baskets onto your backs, each carrying 35 pounds of alfalfa two-thirds of a mile, turning it in to a store vendor who will give you your clue. So it's basically a matter of whether you want to use your brute strength or not, particularly with the altitude situation. Also, llamas spit. Just so you know.

Bianca thinks that two-thirds of a mile is a long way, given the altitude. But when Debbie says that's fine and they'll do llamas, Bianca is all, "No, let's keep yakking about it for a long time and lose whatever time advantage we might be able to come up with." Which...that is the one thing you don't do. Take fifteen seconds and pick a thing to do, but don't stand around arguing.

Susan zips. Patrick zips. When he lands, he says, "Oh my God, I'm glad I peed right before I did that." Heh. Susan zips to the bottom, followed by Patrick. When they open the clue, they pick the llamas, as Debbie and Bianca continue to argue. Which is so stupid, because Bianca already said she thought two-thirds of a mile would be hard, and Debbie is saying that's fine and they should do the llamas, so I'm not sure why Bianca is all, "No, no, let's talk more." When they see Patrick and Susan and realize they've already lost some time, however, they join in on the llama-roping fun. Patrick mentions that they're ahead of Rob and Amber.

Speaking of whom. Amber zips. Rob zips. "Holy cannoli," he says. Because he is a cliché, more than a little. She does the second zip, then he does, then they rip the clue. They go with the baskets, not to anyone's great surprise.

The second flight, with the other eight teams on it, lands in Cusco. Brian and Greg find the clue box and get going. "Vamanos," one of them says. And then he turns to the other one and says proudly and giddily, "That means 'we go.'" Hee. That was funny, in a way that's kind of hard to explain. Mostly because he does it in a way that's really dorky, and I loooove dorky. The other teams pile out and head for the clue box, and then for their marked taxis. Taxis screech away from the Cusco airport. Ron gets a lesson in how to pronounce "Huambutio," but other than that? Fairly routine stuff.

In Lynn and Alex's cab, Lynn decides to sing: "We are ra-cing in Pe-ru...we are ra-cing in Pe-ru." It's no "New York Jews in Iceland," but it has a certain flair. Various people praise their drivers (as "macho," in Meredith's case) and talk about their determination not to be last. Ryan rattles off quite a bit of Spanish that is horrifically accented, but that his driver seems to understand, shockingly enough. Meredith's driver also understands when he asks in not-terrific Spanish to pass Lynn and Alex.

And now, it's llama time. Debbie and Bianca and Susan and Patrick are both taking on the wildlife option. Debbie starts to complain almost immediately that she "can't do this." Patrick and Susan, on the other hand, decide to find llamas that like them. Patrick needs to stop looking for affirmation, I think, from llamas.

Amber and Rob don their colorful hats and ponchos and prepare to pick up the baskets. "This is nothing, babe, we can do this," he says. As they leave, he comments, "I might have to put my Sox hat on the outside." Heh. And then he says, to the delight of...well, me, "Ah, when in Incaville, do as the Incas, right?" Lex imitates that line for three friends in his living room.

Patrick and Susan are trying to drag their llamas, and Patrick has discovered that there is indeed a spitting issue. Debbie, on the other hand, declares the llama-dragging "retarded," and when Bianca says she thinks it's faster, Debbie very nearly snorts with disdain at the thought. "Rob and Amber probably have the things on their back and are up the hill." And Rob and Amber have designer clothes. And their parents let them go to the concert. And they're allowed to stay up late. Waaaaah!

As Rob and Amber travel, though, he drops his basket. She navigates him through getting it tied up. I have a feeling that like a lot of people, one of her jobs in the relationship is best describe as spaz-wrangling.

Bianca continues to yank the rope of her poor llama. Debbie says it's "retarded" again, and while I actually am one of those people who believes that (like "gay") "retarded" is a word with a time and place as a pejorative, it's not a great stand-in for "too hard," which is what she means. There's nothing "retarded" about moving animals; she just doesn't know what she's doing, and it would be nice if she saw it that way rather than casting aspersions on the very activity itself. Debbie continues to complain to Bianca, and mentions again how far behind Rob and Amber they are. "Bianca, I'm seriously so furious at you," she declares.

Commercials. Robin Williams is such a distraction to me now that I don't think I can watch an animated movie where he does voices without hearing nothing but Robin Williams All The Time. I just want him to get whatever he's so needy for, so he can stop needing it all the time.

Debbie declares to Bianca that she is not going to do the llama thing. Just not! Not! They decide to switch Detours, and it's just fascinating to me that Debbie, who was the one advocating for just picking the llamas in the first place when Bianca wanted to keep arguing about it, is now pissed off and snotting, "We would have been done," about her belief that they should have done the other Detour. It's incredibly weird how that went down. Bianca went from griping about the length of the walk and thus being kind of pro-llama to actively resisting Debbie's suggestion to go and do the llama thing to sticking with the llama thing after Debbie started complaining about it. Debbie went from pushing the llamas to bitching about the llamas to complaining that they ever tried the llamas. It's like they're both in Memento. ["They're both up my ass, is where they are. This is my least favorite team at the moment. Shut up, Bianca and Debbie." -- Sars]

Susan and Patrick are out in front of their llamas, and dragging them on fairly short spans of rope, which is resulting in their being spit on quite a lot. "Rob and Amber are going to get first," Patrick complains.

And here are Rob and Amber now, ambling into town and looking for the store where they're supposed to drop off their baskets. People shout "arriba, arriba," and Rob asks if it means "fast." Amber claims it does. Doesn't it mean "above"? Not that you'd know it from -- you guessed it -- Speedy Gonzalez cartoons. ["It means 'up' or 'up there.'" -- Sars]

Debbie and Bianca take the baskets, and it's a good thing, because seriously? Enough whining.

Brian and Greg get their clue from Felipe and head for the gorge. Other teams follow. Old people, gay people, people dating off and on...you know the drill.

Rob and Amber drop off their baskets and get their clue, which tells them to get to the Huambatio police station and hop in a marked delivery truck for a ride down to the town of Pisac. Yeah, he should have pronounced the first syllable more like "War and" and less like "Take a," but hey, nobody's perfect. Phil explains that the delivery truck ride will be about twenty miles, and trucks will depart every twenty minutes. In Pisac, they'll search the hectic streets of a chaotic marketplace (yay!) for a clue box.

Patrick and Susan head their llamas into a pen, and one of the llamas seems to kind of belch-spit on Patrick, leading him to comment, "Oh, yeah, that was ripe." Hee. Elsewhere, Debbie and Bianca are still hauling their baskets, and they pass Rob and Amber near the store. "Keep going, keep going," Rob calls out encouragingly. "Carry it around your neck; it's easier," Amber adds. "That's our good deed for the thirty days," Rob says once the girls have passed. Well, really. You don't want to hurt yourself.

Patrick is still trying to get the llamas into the pen. "I will stand in front of your face," he says, "and you can blow me with as much snot as you want, if you get in your frickin' pen." Heh heh. I'd really like to like him, and I'd like him to stop obsessing about Rob and Amber and saying foolhardy things like "dumb as a rock," because that's the only way it's going to happen. They finally get their llamas in and get the delivery-truck clue.

Debbie and Bianca drop off their baskets and note that the clue says that no more than three teams can ride in a truck at the same time. As Rob and Amber get into the first truck, they're hoping they'll be in first place and won't have to take anybody with them. For those who thought there was no bunching in this episode, incidentally, there certainly was, and this was where it occurred. Rob and Amber were certainly a few minutes ahead of these other teams, so if anyone was trying to give them any advantage, they certainly would have sent this truck rather than having it wait around. Susan and Patrick are actually the to get on the truck with Rob and Amber. And actually, Debbie and Bianca don't make it. So the first truck to Pisac contains only Rob and Amber and Patrick and Susan.

Debbie and Bianca are upset. And why? "Rob and Amber are already gone." God. Shut up! Shut up shut up! They get on another truck and note the presence of "roosters and everything." Their truck leaves with no other teams aboard. Which makes sense -- they should still be running an hour and a half or so ahead of the rest of the pack.

Speaking of the pack, Brian and Greg are arriving at the zip line, and Lynn and Alex are looking at the mountains. "Oh, it looks like Splash Mountain!" Lynn observes. Gretchen calls the zip line their "worst fear," which...you really should not do this show if that's the case, but all right. Greg zips. Brian zips. They read the Detour and choose the baskets, taking off almost right away. Alex and Lynn zip behind them. They choose the baskets, or so it appears. And as Gretchen and Meredith prepare to zip, she comments, "Whoa, this is what the kids call wedgies." I wish I kind of could connect with her better, because it's a cute line, but it left me a little bit cold, just because I can't get into a groove of liking her yet. But anyway, she zips, and says "Geronimo," and...a little cheesy, actually saying "Geronimo." And Meredith says "Geronimo," too. I can't get a bead on them at all yet. They open the Detour and choose the llamas, because the carrying sounds a little rough.

Trailing teams are just meeting up with Felipe and getting their clue for the gorge. Uchenna and Joyce, Ryan and Chuck, Ron and Kelly, Heidi and Megan. They all get on the move.

Brian and Greg are strolling with their baskets, calling out to passing children to eat their Wheaties. Snerk. Oh, and "don't do drugs." Hey, it beats handing out American flags.

Lynn fusses with Alex's poncho as they get ready to carry the baskets. The look is everything, you know. They rope up the baskets. Out ahead of them, Brian and Greg drop off their baskets and get the clue for the delivery truck ride.

Meredith and Gretchen work on roping their llamas. When they have them, they start dragging them up the hill. To their credit, they take a different approach than some of the other teams, with him pulling the ropes and her pushing both from behind, so I would give them points for probably finding the best approach to this task of anyone who tried it. I don't think you can just drag the llama.

Deana zips. She loves to go, "Woo!", you can tell. Ray zips. They choose the baskets, because he doesn't want to "wait around and learn how to rope a llama." That's why nobody's educated anymore, man. Nobody will put in the time. As they put on the baskets, she complains that she's choking, but his response is that she needs to "suck it up." Which is the "fuck you" of race partners, incidentally.

As Brian and Greg return from dropping off the baskets, they run into Lynn and Alex headed the other way. "You guys passed it; it's back there," one of the brothers yells out. "Are you kidding me?" Lynn says indignantly. The guys laugh and immediately clarify that they're only kidding. "You bitches!" Lynn yells, in a way that really, really probably shouldn't make me laugh. But does. They ask how much further it is, and Brian (I think?) tells them it's up a little bit and on the left. Lynn and Alex drop off their basket and get going as Brian and Greg are the first team into their delivery truck. They meet up with some kids and introduce themselves. Lynn and Alex then come running up and hop onto the same truck. It leaves.

Joyce and Uchenna zip. "That was fun!" he declares. He is gorgeous, by the way, which I haven't yet mentioned.

And now, Chuck and Ryan are preparing to go. "We're fixin' to jump off the side of the mountain," Ryan says. "We're going to be the first ones to load test it." Heeeeee hee. And there they go. Zip. Zip. Hillbilly music follows as Ryan says he's now waiting "for Fat Boy to come down." More hillbilly music as Chuck zips and Ryan yells out, "Hey, look out for the cactuses!" Yeah, they're shticky, by a lot, but they're also pretty groovy in my book. They agree to rope the llama. Nooo! The baskets aren't that hard! Don't be taken in by the animals!

Kelly and Ron zip. They open the Detour and choose the baskets. Megan and Heidi zip, and they choose the baskets as well.

Meredith and Gretchen complete the llama Detour and head back to the main road.

Ray and Deana are still clunking along with their baskets, and she still swears she's choking. She asks if he can help lift hers up so it's not on her neck, but he tells her he can't, because he has his own to worry about. Finally, they arrive and drop the baskets off. In seventh place at the moment, they get the clue for the police station, where she will probably be investigated with regard to the bruises on her neck.

Meredith and Gretchen hop on their delivery truck, and they narrowly avoid having Ray and Deana make their truck with them. Ray, of course, is unhappy with Deana for making them miss the truck. "Dammit," he says. She tells him that she really was having trouble breathing from the ropes, and he tells her, "Suck it up. Don't complain." Let me translate: "Fuck you. And, fuck you."

Commercials. Do I need a movie with John Travolta and Uma Thurman? I mean, another one?

When we get back, Ray is lecturing Deana in how this is a lesson in how Every Second Counts. I think he needs a lesson in a rope on your trachea.

In the lead delivery truck, Rob says to Susan and Patrick, "You guys are kickin' ass, huh?" Which I think is genuinely a recognition of the fact that the mother and son would not necessarily be anybody's pick of the team to jump out in front in the first leg. Patrick says that Rob and Amber are kicking ass also, and that he wasn't sure if they'd be nice or not. The teams agree to look for the clue (at the chaotic marketplace) together. Oh, and then Patrick interviews that he's allying with Rob and Amber so that he can be the architect of their destruction later. Patrick? This. Is. Not. That. Kind. Of. Show. That's so idiotic.

Bianca hands out bracelets to the people on the truck with her. Friendship bracelets: because international diplomacy never goes out of fashion.

The lead teams look at the marketplace for a clue box, and Patrick and Susan are first to find it, and they do call out for Rob and Amber. The clue sends them to the pit stop, which is at La Merced, located back in Cusco. And as Phil says, the last team to check in will be eliminated. It's the first leg, after all. Susan and Patrick, and then Rob and Amber, get taxis away from the marketplace toward the pit stop. Patrick and Susan seem to be in the lead at first, but then Rob and Amber's cab gets turned around faster and they actually wind up in first place heading for the pit stop. Patrick sulks. I think he's on Lex's payroll. Or maybe one of Alicia's relatives.

Debbie and Bianca show up and find the clue box . They get a taxi for the pit stop.

On the Truck of Many Boys, Lynn and Alex are singing as Brian and Greg look on, a little bewildered. Oh, and Lynn is "baa"-ing and hugging a sheep. It sounds much weirder than it actually is, although I would repeat that a little of that is going to go a long way, and he'll want to make sure he doesn't drive everyone too crazy. Like...me. He's almost the kind of person I'd rather watch the show with than watch on the show, if you see my point.

Meredith and Gretchen manage to get tossed around in their truck enough that they break the eggs being carried by one of the locals. Oops. They offer her five bucks, and she looks happy. Way to be a giant honking metaphor for American clumsiness, people.

Ray is still bugging Deana.

Uchenna and Joyce and Chuck and Ryan are playing with llamas. The boys take the approach of moving one llama at a time.

Meanwhile, Ron and Kelly and Megan and Heidi are heading for the baskets, all surprised at the effects of the altitude on their ability to breathe.

At the Pisac market, the Truck of Boys lets Lynn and Alex and Brian and Greg off. The teams seem to kind of agree to cooperate in looking for the clue box, and they actually do. In fourth and fifth place, they read the pit stop clue and leave. In the cab, Lynn says to the cab driver, "muy, muy, muy." And then he pauses. "And...wait, what am I saying? 'Very, very, very'?" Snerk. Well, at least he knows.

Uchenna and Joyce and Chuck and Ryan complete the llama-herding. Ryan and Chuck are slightly behind as they head out. Kelly and Ron and Megan and Heidi finish with the baskets and head for the delivery truck as well.

Meredith and Gretchen find the market clue box. Sixth place heading for the pit stop.

Ultimately, Ray and Deana are joined in their truck by Uchenna and Joyce, but they get away before Chuck and Ryan or Ron and Kelly can get on board. So that leaves those two teams trailing, along with, presumably, Megan and Heidi.

Patrick, in his cab, is talking about how he can't believe it's down to him and his mom and...Rob and Amber. You can tell he thinks it's...you know, more special that way. On the way to the pit stop, Rob and Amber's cab takes a different route than Patrick and Susan's. And...Rob and Amber's cab gets stuck behind another car. "This might cost us our lead," Rob observes.

Commercials. I love mysterious medication commercials. I like to think they're all secretly for pot.

When we return, Rob and Amber are still stuck, and they don't realize that they're the only ones stuck, because the other teams went a different way. But Patrick and Susan are in different traffic, and when Susan gets all, "Damn, damn, damn," Patrick tells her not to whine. And I kind of don't care for it from either of them, because she shouldn't be whining about not being first, but he shouldn't be telling his mother not to whine when he's been bitching about Rob and Amber since the first minute. Debbie and Bianca are on their way as well. Susan is still upset that "it came down to a taxi ride."

In his traffic car, Rob takes matters into his own hands and hops out to push the stalled vehicle out of the way. "Honey, come on. Push this car," he says. And see, I love that about him. Not because he's ordering her around, but because he hasn't got a speck of "she sits in the car and steers while I show off what a stud I am." They have a certain in-it-together quality that I like that feels very genuine to me. (When they break up two weeks from now, I fully acknowledge everyone's right to chortle behind my back.) When they have the van pushed out of the way, they hop back in the cab and go. "I hope that paid off," Rob says.

Debbie and Bianca and Patrick and Susan are pulling up to the pit stop. Rob and Amber are pulling up. Who will be first? Who? Who? Well, Phil is waiting for someone, and running to the pit stop, it's...it's...Debbie and Bianca. Oh, ew. And you know what's worse? They win fucking $20,000! Twenty! Thousand! Dollars! That sound you hear is every team that ever worked its ass off to come in first and got jack, grinding its teeth and sending nasty letters to production. Seriously, that is over the top. Ridiculous. Not necessary. They squeal. Boooo!

Susan and Patrick, you're team number two. Susan snorfles that she thought they were first. Oh, quiet. ["Again: it's the first leg. Shut up, Susan." -- Sars]

Welcome, Rob and Amber, you are team number three. Phil congratulates them on moving up from the back of the pack, and indeed, they look satisfied. Interestingly, despite losing their lead solely based on luck, they manage not to complain about not being first.

Brian and Greg, you are team number four. "Yeah, buddy!" Lynn and Alex, you are team number five.

Uchenna and Joyce are chatting with Ray and Deana about being out ahead of the last three teams. Speaking of whom, those last three teams -- Chuck and Ryan, Megan and Heidi, Ron and Kelly -- all get on the same truck. And they know that in all likelihood, it's going to be one of them finishing last. Ray and Deana and Uchenna and Joyce agree to work together at the marketplace, which they do. They find the clue box in a short time, but Ray and Deana don't go to a lot of trouble to find their "partners," so they take off without finding Uchenna and Joyce. When the latter realize that they've been ditched, they are not extremely happy, but fortunately, finding the clue doesn't take them very long. So they head out in eighth place.

Much to my amusement, and really for no reason, Ryan and Chuck are singing "She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain" in the delivery truck. Hick singing is the sort of thing that doesn't mean anything, and yet should happen in every episode, because it makes the world a better place. And then the trailing teams are all at the market, all looking for the clue. Ryan and Chuck find it first, but all three teams are basically bunched up as they leave the market, with Ryan and Chuck holding a slight lead.

Meredith and Gretchen, you are team number six. Right in the middle of the pack. Feels good. Ray and Deana, you are team number seven. "That's good enough," she chuckles. "No, it's not," he says, in a way that does not bode well for the season at all. "First leg we made a lot of mistakes," he says tightly. Argh. Early hate is growing.

Welcome, Uchenna and Joyce, you are team number eight. They really are happy, because it's good enough for them. Phil asks them if they'd like a llama for a pet, and they laugh and say they would not. This show is totally going to get a letter from the Llama Association about how llamas do a lot more than spit and make great pets, thank you very much.

There's no really great way to recap what occurs with the final three teams, because there's not much to it. In a sequence that shows that, within reason, luck does play some part in the game -- although none of these teams would be in this position had they run a better leg -- Ryan and Chuck's cab driver is just slower than everyone else's, and they get passed by both teams on the way to the pit stop. Ron crows about how they'll be paying their taxi driver for being "willing to go the extra mile," and I just hate having it go this way, because it looks like it's a combination of being willing to speed, which you are not supposed to do, and being willing to drive unsafely in mountains, which I'm also not crazy about. It's just a dumb way for an otherwise good and meritorious leg to end.

In town, Megan and Heidi's driver takes a "shortcut." All three teams head for the pit stop. Running, running...and it's Megan and Heidi getting to the pit stop first. At this point, I turned to Trash and said, "Well, it's Ryan and Chuck, because it's not the POW, or they wouldn't have been promoting him so hard." And indeed, the team to run up to the mat, with Ryan and Chuck literally steps behind them, are Ron and Kelly. And they're in second-to-last place, and Ryan and Chuck are in last place, and are Philiminated. Phil congratulates them on how hard they ran the leg, and says he's sorry to see them go, which I'm sure he is. Because they are entertaining. And then the boys both cry in their interview, talking about how much they adore each other.

Dear Ryan and Chuck: We throw a good party. Singing is optional. Smooches, Miss A.

Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Debbie and Bianca are bitches, apparently. Which doesn't come as any major surprise to me. But Rob winks, and that makes it all okay. Lynn and Alex confront some locals, who are -- you guessed it -- "bitches." Cool beans. Oh, and the recap will not be a zillion pages long, during a time when my two other shows are also running. Speaking of BITCHES.